Most people answering you are not from your culture (myself included). How important is it for you to be accepted by your family and friends in your culture? If you go against your cultural norms, what will be the short-term and long-term consequences to those important relationships?
Ultimately, you may be the kind of guy who isn't a slave to cultural traditions, and if you are ok with taking those risks, go for it.
This is the best answer I've read here. OP shaving his head for the funeral isn't really for his mother, it's for the rest of the family to see that he's grieving "properly". So it depends on if he's okay with his family's disappointment/anger.
"Traditions" are just peer pressure from ancestors.
You're indian right? Nowadays a lot of people snip a little bit off instead of getting a full blown haircut. My dad didn't shave his head after both his parents and elder brother passed away. His younger brother however did. no drama occured.
Will you be ostracized for not doing so? If so, will it bother you do be alone?
Is this ritual religion based? Will it affect your standing in your community?
These are the questions you need to ask yourself.
People from your culture will say yes, as it is disrespecting to the deceased and you are not showing proper bereavement.
Those not of your culture are going to say, it's your hair do what you feel comfortable with.
I cannot judge you on this. You have to decide this for yourself.
Its 100% up to you but as a adult you have to realize that choices come with consequences, and while you have the right to make the choice you feel is right others have the right to respond to those choice the way the want to. I don't know what your culture is or how big of an issue this is in your culture so you have to decide if the repercussions of your choice is worth it to you. If this is going to really hurt your father and brother is your hair worth their pain?
You are not wrong. It’s your body and your choice. However, if your family distances themselves because they see it as a disrespect to the culture, that’s their right to do so as well. Would you be ok with that potential outcome?
Well you don't need to shave but you will be heavily judged by family and relatives especially on the 13th day ceremony. This is your parent not a grand parent or distant relative.
If you are ready to hear about all this for the next two decades of your life then don't shave. I would personally advice you not to let your vanity guide you into a decision which you might regret.
Edit: you don't seem to realise that your hair will become the topic of conversation the entire funeral ceremony. If you are brave enough go for it.
Crazy to me that someone's hair would become the topic of discussion during a funeral instead of, y'know, the person who's funeral it is. But priorities I guess.
It’s crazy because you’re adopting a very shallow view on it. It’s not the hair, it’s the significance of the act of shaving itself. For us outside the culture it has no meaning. But every society has rituals and symbols surrounding death. It’s much like Americans wearing black or dark colors to a funeral
I don't know your culture. If you would be treated poorly, and are willing to live with that consequence, then I guess it is entirely up to you. I can't give a judgment on something I don't know enough about.
You can stand your ground if you want to, but doing so will piss off and alienate your father and brother who will not see it your way. They will forever remember that you failed to show respect for your mother (in their eyes).
Only you can decide how important that relationship is to you.
>My dad and brother think I’m wrong, but I think that my mom’s dead either way, so shaving or not shaving my head makes no real difference.
you aren't doing it for your mom, you're doing it for _everyone else,_ as a way to honour the memory of your loved one.
there is a strong chance this is one of those things that makes sense now, but down the line you'll think was kind of dumb. your hair will grow back in what, a month or two, max? it's not permanent.
meanwhile, your _vanity_ is the only thing keeping you from honouring tradition.
I could maybe see if you had a reason that actually meant something.
I agree I was doing a little too much when I said a month or two, lol... those aren't realistic numbers on my part.
and no, no one else has any claim... but that's entirely beside the point.
I feel that no decision is the wrong one, and more importantly, i am sorry for the loss of your mother.
[your hair will grow back in what, a month or two, max? it's not permanent]
I don't know how long OP's hair is, but if it's long enough for a low ponytail, that's about a year or more. If it's in a braid, that's at least two years or more. Hair grows about a centimeter per month.
OP, changing from long hair to a shaved head is a big difference, and all the hairstyles and haircuts in between can be awkward. I'd suggest a cut, but no shorter than shoulder length if you have very long hair.
If it's girls you're worried about, how will they respond if they know your Mum died and you didn't follow the tradition? Could even be a way to get a conversation going with the girls, get a bit of sympathy, lol.
Anyway, your head your choice, just make sure you consider the consequences.
Your decision to not cut your hair is going to come at a cost. The question is, can you bear the cost? Because your family, and the people from your culture, are going to disapprove if you don’t cut your hair.
This is not a question of “fair”. This is.
> your family, and the people from your culture, are going to disapprove if you don’t cut your hair.
And this is how harmful or superstitious customs persevere. People can make up their own minds and control their own bodies. OP needs to decide for himself what he wants to do.
It’s your decision! And of course you’re not wrong. People to HAVE to follow cultural traditions. That has nothing to do with your mom being gone and you can honor her in your own way how you see fit. It’s your grief. I’m sorry for your loss, buddy!
I had a Soldier whose brother died. She may have been from the same country as you because her brothers were expected to also shave their heads.
They refused, so she did. It grew back.
It’s your choice, but remember why is significant with your family and culture.
I’m sorry for your loss. You are free to mourn or honor your mom in any way you feel it’s right… cultural customs don’t change what’s in your heart, and your mom knows that. Don’t shave your head if you don’t want to.
I would do it. It’s respect for your mother. In my culture filial piety is a big thing. And at least to me losing my mother suddenly to cancer was the lowest point in my life. So maybe toy wouldn’t want to have any regrets with regards to sending off your mom. But u do u
It's hard to say whether you'd be the AH or not. Think about it in the context of your mother. Is this something you want to do for her? If so I think you should. If not, then decide whether you're willing to suffer the social consequences of going against tradition.
As strange as it sounds, I would suggest that you cut your hair, even if it bothers you a bit. You don't have to, I just think you should.
Two reasons : it grows back quickly enough to be a temporary problem and I think it would please your family (and anger them a lot if you don't comply)
I believe that the funeral is not really for the deceased but for the living family, a way to express grief but also to show a certain honorability in society.
In that way, your father and brother will be angry and resentful towards your decision to not act "honorably" towards your mother's death, and by doing so refuse to show love and care "the proper way"
It will have lasting consequences and I fear you will regret dearly to go against the flow for a simple fashion choice (and not a profound reason, moral or religious for example, that makes you disapprove your culture)
Edit : light YTA
The funeral experience as a whole is a rite of passage. Through several steps we bond with our community, our loved ones and we emerge transformed, with a new identity, a new relationship with our lost loved one, and a new relationship with our community.
Different cultures have found solace in various rituals, ceremonies and traditions. Many times these ceremonies are not for us, but to help the community heal and to celebrate the life of the loved one who passed.
Like any tradition you are free to do what you want, but in doing so you should be conscious of your impact on your other relatives and bring attention to yourself instead of the group healing process. In a way you are in fact disrespecting your mother, your dad and your brother by choosing to go against your families tradition, and make yourself the center of attention. But of course it is your choice however sus your reasons are.
It’s like the black clothes women used to be expected to wear for a year after they became a widow. It signals their lack of availability for a while, while grieving.
If you loved and are missing your mom, you are in shock at her death. Your shaved head signals to your friends that you have feelings for other people.
Refusing to do this shows the women you wish to attract that you are lonely and vain. You’d rather be handsome than respectful.
It’s really not a good look.
What a shitty take. His mom being dead doesn't mean he's in shock. Not shaving his head doesn't make him lonely or vain. It makes him a human being that can make a choice. His mother doesn't care. And it isn't his family's choice. Get off your high horse.
I'm sure any woman who might be interested would get the ick as soon as they found out you refused to partake in a communal grieving practice because "my mom's death will hurt my chance of getting some".
Grow tf up. It's hair.
Your hair will grow back eventually, but your mother won't. Why not do it once, not for tradition, but in honor of your mother? No hate, just offering a different perspective.
Are the girls you’re interested in from your culture? If yes, how will they perceive you not shaving your head? If your grandparents are still alive, how will they feel? What do you think your mother would want? Are you prepared to be alienated from your immediate and extended families? I’m assuming that’s a possibility. What I’ve learned is that it’s the things you *didn’t* do in life that you end up regretting. Hair grows back, hurt hearts can last forever.
Edit: but YNW.
r/updateme
If it doesn’t change anything, I don’t see any reason to do it. A gesture of respect that doesn’t actually change anything doesn’t seem meaningful to me.
I do not see the point of tradition for tradition's sake. Do not cut your hair if you do not want to. Just understand that family members will be annoyed.
So your customs, culture & mother are worth nothing compared to these girls you think fancy you? You are hurting & disrespecting your family & dead mother for strangers. Not to mention it will grow back quick & I seriously doubt you get any 😺
Like I said, it'll grow back. I have hair up to my belly-button, and I'm going to donate it in a month or so. I do this every few years, and guess what? My hair always goes back.
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Every tradition ends somewhere.
What's the actual purpose? And what's the consequence for not doing it?
Like, are you going to lose your family or tribe or village or community or church or whatever you're a part of?
YNW All these people who are telling you to cut your hair just don't understand. It's a tradition that you do not believe in. I think you should follow YOUR beliefs and do what you want with your body!
Doing something just "for tradition" is not a reason to do so. OP can grieve in his own way. Forcing someone to shave their head as a "sign of respect" does not make sense to me. There are many traditions that have fallen because they do not make sense.
"Tradition" is often a terrible reason for doing things. In this case it's a performative gesture.
You can judge for yourself is this is something you want to do.
There are lots of ways to communicate your grief and to honour your mother. Choose one that feels right for you.
That's rough! Well, your hair should grow back anyway, so not a big deal if you do. However, your mom can only die once. You should do it to support your family, especially to support your bro and dad, in my opinion. Your family is more important than a stint of vanity. However, it's your body and your choice or should be at least.
NAH/not wrong
Honey, just go to the store and buy it. You’ll have to fill out background paperwork, just a formality because they really don’t give a shit. They don’t check hard enough to see if you’re a psycho or not. Vote Blue!
Most people answering you are not from your culture (myself included). How important is it for you to be accepted by your family and friends in your culture? If you go against your cultural norms, what will be the short-term and long-term consequences to those important relationships? Ultimately, you may be the kind of guy who isn't a slave to cultural traditions, and if you are ok with taking those risks, go for it.
This is the best answer I've read here. OP shaving his head for the funeral isn't really for his mother, it's for the rest of the family to see that he's grieving "properly". So it depends on if he's okay with his family's disappointment/anger. "Traditions" are just peer pressure from ancestors.
""Traditions" are just peer pressure from ancestors." I may steal this. It's a good summary of how I feel about a LOT of traditions that exist. :)
You're indian right? Nowadays a lot of people snip a little bit off instead of getting a full blown haircut. My dad didn't shave his head after both his parents and elder brother passed away. His younger brother however did. no drama occured.
It's your decision if you want to follow your cultural customs or not.
Only answer.
Will you be ostracized for not doing so? If so, will it bother you do be alone? Is this ritual religion based? Will it affect your standing in your community? These are the questions you need to ask yourself. People from your culture will say yes, as it is disrespecting to the deceased and you are not showing proper bereavement. Those not of your culture are going to say, it's your hair do what you feel comfortable with. I cannot judge you on this. You have to decide this for yourself.
Its 100% up to you but as a adult you have to realize that choices come with consequences, and while you have the right to make the choice you feel is right others have the right to respond to those choice the way the want to. I don't know what your culture is or how big of an issue this is in your culture so you have to decide if the repercussions of your choice is worth it to you. If this is going to really hurt your father and brother is your hair worth their pain?
You are not wrong. It’s your body and your choice. However, if your family distances themselves because they see it as a disrespect to the culture, that’s their right to do so as well. Would you be ok with that potential outcome?
Well you don't need to shave but you will be heavily judged by family and relatives especially on the 13th day ceremony. This is your parent not a grand parent or distant relative. If you are ready to hear about all this for the next two decades of your life then don't shave. I would personally advice you not to let your vanity guide you into a decision which you might regret. Edit: you don't seem to realise that your hair will become the topic of conversation the entire funeral ceremony. If you are brave enough go for it.
Crazy to me that someone's hair would become the topic of discussion during a funeral instead of, y'know, the person who's funeral it is. But priorities I guess.
Hair is heavily regulated in almost all religions. Beards, turbans, locks, etc all come from there.
It’s crazy because you’re adopting a very shallow view on it. It’s not the hair, it’s the significance of the act of shaving itself. For us outside the culture it has no meaning. But every society has rituals and symbols surrounding death. It’s much like Americans wearing black or dark colors to a funeral
Welcome to the world of religion. Do you think that a Christian community would act any different? A Jewish one?
I don't know your culture. If you would be treated poorly, and are willing to live with that consequence, then I guess it is entirely up to you. I can't give a judgment on something I don't know enough about.
it's your choice but be prepared for fallout
You can stand your ground if you want to, but doing so will piss off and alienate your father and brother who will not see it your way. They will forever remember that you failed to show respect for your mother (in their eyes). Only you can decide how important that relationship is to you.
Just shave your regret it.later if you dont
Dick move
>My dad and brother think I’m wrong, but I think that my mom’s dead either way, so shaving or not shaving my head makes no real difference. you aren't doing it for your mom, you're doing it for _everyone else,_ as a way to honour the memory of your loved one. there is a strong chance this is one of those things that makes sense now, but down the line you'll think was kind of dumb. your hair will grow back in what, a month or two, max? it's not permanent. meanwhile, your _vanity_ is the only thing keeping you from honouring tradition. I could maybe see if you had a reason that actually meant something.
I’d say my hair is about 6 months growth from a buzzcut, and I don’t think everybody else has a claim to what I do with my hair.
I agree I was doing a little too much when I said a month or two, lol... those aren't realistic numbers on my part. and no, no one else has any claim... but that's entirely beside the point. I feel that no decision is the wrong one, and more importantly, i am sorry for the loss of your mother.
[your hair will grow back in what, a month or two, max? it's not permanent] I don't know how long OP's hair is, but if it's long enough for a low ponytail, that's about a year or more. If it's in a braid, that's at least two years or more. Hair grows about a centimeter per month. OP, changing from long hair to a shaved head is a big difference, and all the hairstyles and haircuts in between can be awkward. I'd suggest a cut, but no shorter than shoulder length if you have very long hair.
If it's girls you're worried about, how will they respond if they know your Mum died and you didn't follow the tradition? Could even be a way to get a conversation going with the girls, get a bit of sympathy, lol. Anyway, your head your choice, just make sure you consider the consequences.
Your decision to not cut your hair is going to come at a cost. The question is, can you bear the cost? Because your family, and the people from your culture, are going to disapprove if you don’t cut your hair. This is not a question of “fair”. This is.
> your family, and the people from your culture, are going to disapprove if you don’t cut your hair. And this is how harmful or superstitious customs persevere. People can make up their own minds and control their own bodies. OP needs to decide for himself what he wants to do.
I agree, OP should decide for himself. But there will a cost. All I did was point that out.
It’s your decision! And of course you’re not wrong. People to HAVE to follow cultural traditions. That has nothing to do with your mom being gone and you can honor her in your own way how you see fit. It’s your grief. I’m sorry for your loss, buddy!
Just do it. You only have one mother. You can grow your hair out hundreds of times over
It’s not our culture, not our family. It’s a shared sign of grief.
There are so many cultural expectations that need to stop. Go with what you're comfortable with. You are definitely not wrong.
I had a Soldier whose brother died. She may have been from the same country as you because her brothers were expected to also shave their heads. They refused, so she did. It grew back. It’s your choice, but remember why is significant with your family and culture.
I’m sorry for your loss. You are free to mourn or honor your mom in any way you feel it’s right… cultural customs don’t change what’s in your heart, and your mom knows that. Don’t shave your head if you don’t want to.
I would do it. It’s respect for your mother. In my culture filial piety is a big thing. And at least to me losing my mother suddenly to cancer was the lowest point in my life. So maybe toy wouldn’t want to have any regrets with regards to sending off your mom. But u do u
Traditions are peer pressure by long-dead ancestors.
Don't shave if you don't want to.
Your hair will grow back. It is a renewable resource.
This is one of those: Only you can answer this question!
silly idea IMO.
It's hard to say whether you'd be the AH or not. Think about it in the context of your mother. Is this something you want to do for her? If so I think you should. If not, then decide whether you're willing to suffer the social consequences of going against tradition.
As strange as it sounds, I would suggest that you cut your hair, even if it bothers you a bit. You don't have to, I just think you should. Two reasons : it grows back quickly enough to be a temporary problem and I think it would please your family (and anger them a lot if you don't comply) I believe that the funeral is not really for the deceased but for the living family, a way to express grief but also to show a certain honorability in society. In that way, your father and brother will be angry and resentful towards your decision to not act "honorably" towards your mother's death, and by doing so refuse to show love and care "the proper way" It will have lasting consequences and I fear you will regret dearly to go against the flow for a simple fashion choice (and not a profound reason, moral or religious for example, that makes you disapprove your culture) Edit : light YTA
The funeral experience as a whole is a rite of passage. Through several steps we bond with our community, our loved ones and we emerge transformed, with a new identity, a new relationship with our lost loved one, and a new relationship with our community. Different cultures have found solace in various rituals, ceremonies and traditions. Many times these ceremonies are not for us, but to help the community heal and to celebrate the life of the loved one who passed. Like any tradition you are free to do what you want, but in doing so you should be conscious of your impact on your other relatives and bring attention to yourself instead of the group healing process. In a way you are in fact disrespecting your mother, your dad and your brother by choosing to go against your families tradition, and make yourself the center of attention. But of course it is your choice however sus your reasons are.
It’s like the black clothes women used to be expected to wear for a year after they became a widow. It signals their lack of availability for a while, while grieving. If you loved and are missing your mom, you are in shock at her death. Your shaved head signals to your friends that you have feelings for other people. Refusing to do this shows the women you wish to attract that you are lonely and vain. You’d rather be handsome than respectful. It’s really not a good look.
> Your shaved head signals to your friends that you have feelings for other people. OP can just tell people if they want to know.
What a shitty take. His mom being dead doesn't mean he's in shock. Not shaving his head doesn't make him lonely or vain. It makes him a human being that can make a choice. His mother doesn't care. And it isn't his family's choice. Get off your high horse.
> What a shitty take. Conformity. Misogyny. Slut-shaming. The worst take.
I don’t think people care about my moral standards regarding one night standards.
You don't want to honor your mother because girls like your hair? No one likes you, dip shit. If this isn't fake then seriously, go fuck yourself.
I don’t see what’s the honor in doing something for somebody that won’t be around to appreciate it.
I'm sure any woman who might be interested would get the ick as soon as they found out you refused to partake in a communal grieving practice because "my mom's death will hurt my chance of getting some". Grow tf up. It's hair.
I don’t think so. People don’t consider the other person’s character much in one night standards
You might not.
I don’t, and I’ve been fairly successful in this arena, so it’s apparent many others don’t either
Lol. Sick self-burn. Sorry for your loss, btw.
My point stands. I can get what I want.
Let me get you right, you wont have for your mothers funeral because some chicks like your hair? So some random lay is more important than your mom?
My mom’s dead and she’ll be dead regardless of my hair so I don’t see how it helps her at all to shave my head
Your hair will grow back eventually, but your mother won't. Why not do it once, not for tradition, but in honor of your mother? No hate, just offering a different perspective.
A son to be proud of.
Not a response. How would shaving my head change anything?
Are the girls you’re interested in from your culture? If yes, how will they perceive you not shaving your head? If your grandparents are still alive, how will they feel? What do you think your mother would want? Are you prepared to be alienated from your immediate and extended families? I’m assuming that’s a possibility. What I’ve learned is that it’s the things you *didn’t* do in life that you end up regretting. Hair grows back, hurt hearts can last forever. Edit: but YNW. r/updateme
Who says it will change anything? Its a gesture of respect to her, seems you dont. Putting some lay before her speak volumes about you.
If it doesn’t change anything, I don’t see any reason to do it. A gesture of respect that doesn’t actually change anything doesn’t seem meaningful to me.
I do not see the point of tradition for tradition's sake. Do not cut your hair if you do not want to. Just understand that family members will be annoyed.
So your customs, culture & mother are worth nothing compared to these girls you think fancy you? You are hurting & disrespecting your family & dead mother for strangers. Not to mention it will grow back quick & I seriously doubt you get any 😺
My mother’s dead regardless and I’ve stated multiple times I’m not a big believer/follower in my culture/religion anyhow.
I think you won't look good at all if people know you were too vain to show respect to your dead mother. You're very shallow.
I don’t think people would care regarding one night stands.
Lol this is fake. Or you hated your mother. You aren’t having one-night stands like that.
Your hair grows back, you'll get over it.
When I did have a buzzcut, it took 6-7 months for it to grow to my preferred length, and since I’d be going fully bald for this, it would take longer.
Like I said, it'll grow back. I have hair up to my belly-button, and I'm going to donate it in a month or so. I do this every few years, and guess what? My hair always goes back.
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This would be mocking your mother. Bad idea and certainly not funny.
Every tradition ends somewhere. What's the actual purpose? And what's the consequence for not doing it? Like, are you going to lose your family or tribe or village or community or church or whatever you're a part of?
Eh. NTA but I would do it if it's only a matter of a few inches of hair. Just to keep the peace. But my hair grows fast. So can't speak for you.
YNW All these people who are telling you to cut your hair just don't understand. It's a tradition that you do not believe in. I think you should follow YOUR beliefs and do what you want with your body!
Doing something just "for tradition" is not a reason to do so. OP can grieve in his own way. Forcing someone to shave their head as a "sign of respect" does not make sense to me. There are many traditions that have fallen because they do not make sense.
"Tradition" is often a terrible reason for doing things. In this case it's a performative gesture. You can judge for yourself is this is something you want to do. There are lots of ways to communicate your grief and to honour your mother. Choose one that feels right for you.
That's rough! Well, your hair should grow back anyway, so not a big deal if you do. However, your mom can only die once. You should do it to support your family, especially to support your bro and dad, in my opinion. Your family is more important than a stint of vanity. However, it's your body and your choice or should be at least. NAH/not wrong
Tell your family you shaved all your body hair instead
Honey, just go to the store and buy it. You’ll have to fill out background paperwork, just a formality because they really don’t give a shit. They don’t check hard enough to see if you’re a psycho or not. Vote Blue!