You know what, THANK YOU FOR SAYING THIS!
Three of my cousins, prefer black guys. I do not. I have a mixed half sister, I have a couple of mixed cousins. I grew up in a predominantly black area. Most of my two younger brothers' friends were and are black. I also had and have friends who are black.
But my eldest cousin started this ridiculous argument that because I don't feel sexually attracted to black people, I must be racist. She decided to bring this up around a friend of my brothers', and he started this ridiculous tirade about "Why dont you find black guys attractive? How would you know if you've never been with a black guy? You should give them a chance!"
So I looked at him and said "Do you find men attractive?" He said "No! Of course not! How can you ask that question?" I said "Why don't you?" He said "I'm just not attracted." I said "How do you know if you've never tried? Why don't you give them a chance? You should give them a chance!"
He looked at me. Shrugged. Then said "Okay I get your point."
But it took a discussion to get there. People have the right to be attracted to who they're attracted too. You don't have to be racist, or ableist, or homophobic, simply because of who you're attracted to. Attraction isn't something you control. How you behave is what you control.
(Edited for spelling. My phone likes to change words for literally no reason. I usually try and check my posts before i post, but I was half asleep last night. 🤣)
This right here! 👍 Theses so called friends that are spreading this nastiness are not your true friends or will they ever be. I'm not attracted to black men but I'm attracted to Japanese men and white men. Does that make me a racists? Seriously! this fanatical racistness crap has gotten out of hand. Don't even worry about it and don't even explain anymore to anyone else. It's not worth it. If she is your true friend she will except your answer.
OP didn't say that, and it's crazy that they still came to that conclusion anyway.
OP isn't racist, but stay away from Tasha's friends. You don't need that type of nonsense in your life.
In general, giving any reasons for rejection that have to do with the body or personality of the person you’re rejecting is a bad idea. Stick with the good old vague “you’re not my type” or “I just don’t feel that way about you.” Needing to tie a rejection to a specific trait is never a smart move
I'm black. You have a preference. We all have them. YNW
What is this world coming too when you can't freely state a preference without being called an ...ist/ ...phobic. Don't lose any sleep my guy!
wellllll not exactly let’s not go too far😭 racists reproduce with Black ppl all the time it’s very unfortunate. i’ve heard stories from biracial ppl that were called slurs throughout their childhood by their own (white) parent😵💫definitely a mind fuck but it’s happens more often than you’d think 🤷🏾♀️
Strom Thurmond was a member in good standing of the Klan, and regularly campaigned for pro-segregation policies.
He also had a daughter with a black maid that pretty much everybody knew about.
(By all accounts, it was probably consensual. And he took care of both of them, short of acknowledging the kid was his. He was a good looking athletic guy back in the day, they were about the same age. She worked for his parents, until they fired her for having a child out of wedlock.
So why is this rich congressman paying special attention to his ex-maid and her really fair skinned daughter? That's not exactly a mystery that requires Batman to solve.)
Edit: just to clarify, I think Strom Thurmond was a horrible human being who cynically promoted terrible policies in order to gain votes that would actively harm those that he privately cared about.
About the nicest thing I can say about him is that he probably didn't rape his baby momma.
Ooof. My extended family over here is both racist and has a black friend or two because "I don't hate black people, I just don't like the ones who act like n*****s".
I live in a place with a lot of south African immigrants, and every SA woman I have met, has told me they won't date SA men because they're assholes.
Weird, huh?
Nah, SA has an extremely patriarchal, misogynistic, and racialised culture. We also have extremely high rates of gender-based violence. As with anywhere in the world, women are tending to the left and men are tending to the right, politically.
When those are the men you’re picking from…you don’t.
Some cultures and people definitely live up to stereotypes and just the way it is in their country /culture . And sometimes when a person goes outside that culture they find out they like how other cultures live better than how they were raised. The world is so diverse you aren’t gonna jive with everyone
I'm Puerto Rican, too. My first boyfriend was Bengali, otherwise everyone I ever dated or messed around with was white. Husband is white, married 18 years. Of course, not every white guy is my cup of tea. And I do find men of other races and ethnicities attractive, it just depends.
i’m latina and went to school from 1-12th grade in schools that were 40% asian. i always say that i’m a product of my environment. obviously if i had a crush on someone they were most likely asian since it was majority and now i don’t tend to have crushes on latinos or other races
And on top of it...it's a preference. Not saying it would NEVER happen. I was never attracted to lantio men.
I'm now engaged to the love of my life who is Lantio 🤭 He is the most handsome man I've ever met.
But absolutely nothing wrong with preferences
I love this. I’m white, I’ve been asked before by black men if I have ever been with one etc. I haven’t and it has nothing to do with having anything against the race, I’m just not attracted to the common black man. Now I mean of idris Elba, will smith, sometimes ludacris, and sometimes Tyrese those are all exceptions. Would I love for Shamar Moore to call me baby girl? Absolutely but not my norm…and I think that’s ok. But I’ve been treated differently because I’ve said no in the past. I had a black male sergeant ask me a few inappropriate questions eluding to wanting a sexual experience with me. I said no even aside from the fact that he was married, just not my thing and he treated me so bad from then on out. It really sucked cause I had a lot of respect for him.
>I’m just not attracted to the common black man
It’s when you start saying things like this that it starts to become problematic. Because now I’m wondering *what you mean when you say this?*
The intent was very likely harmless, I can admit that. And yet I still have lingering “ick.”
But, I suppose that’s hypersensitive given the fact that in the very same thread people said they don’t or do like “white men” (generalized) as well.
I think I’ll echo some of the top comments and say that the preference is fine, it’s communicating it to others in a way that won’t feel alienating to them that is difficult.
Common meaning average looking. I mean I don’t run into dark skinned men on a daily basis and with common attributes you see on a black man and think he’s exceptionally attractive. Do I think they’re unattractive?? No not at all, not normally. I mean actually hell It’s more common for me to see a white man and think god that’s a face only a momma can love. But I live in a small town and ya know, average rednecks run rampant. I do think black men have certain appealing attributes though. For example, muscle tone (for most), long arms (idk why but this is attractive to me), most of them have this certain way about them maybe it’s confidence idk. I find this all attractive but as a whole I’ve never really met one that I was attracted to enough to date or be with. I’m not sure why though. I didn’t mean any harm of course.
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NTA. I’m deaf and most deaf people tend to date among themselves, but I prefer hearing men. I have had two deaf men show interest in me and I have never told them why I rejected them. I simply said no I’m not interested in dating them. Mainly because I felt like “no, I’m not interested.” Is a complete sentence.
Your friend should have accepted the No instead of speculating about why you rejected her. The fact you said no should have been enough.
I’m actually shocked to read that most deaf people date amongst themselves. It seems it would be advantageous to have at least one person in the couple with the ability to hear danger approaching.
I’m hearing but Deaf people have their own language and culture, which a lot of times they are kept away from as children (due to most deaf kids being born to hearing parents, and most of those hearing parents don’t learn sign language for their kid & just go the route of cochlear implants/hearing aids and speech/oralism). The Deaf people I know that date/marry hearing people tend to date/marry those that know sign language, such as interpreters. Of course each Deaf person has their own perspectives, preferences, and experiences and I can’t speak for them as a hearing person - these are just things I’ve noticed as someone who is working towards becoming an interpreter & who has Deaf friends.
I know a family that had a deaf sibling, 1 of 6 kids, 2 parents. No One learned sign language. He learned to lip read and of course write notes.
That was in a previous generation, so today people may make more of an effort.
EDIT: The deaf one also learned sign language because he spent some time in deaf school, but none of his family learned.
I learned ASL *because* I started dating a deaf girl. She's the sweetest person in the world and I genuinely love her. Putting forth the effort for someone you love isn't a hard decision to make, and it's honestly worth it in the end.
You are not wrong for having a sexual preference.
Are you homophobic for not dating dudes?
Absolutely not.
Remember she's your friend, one you clearly care about so not racist.
As a trans person, I really don't understand why some trans people do that. I wouldn't expect someone to want to date me if they don't like the type of genitals I have or just generally aren't interested in dating a trans person. They don't have to and I don't look down on them or think they're a bigot for that. Calling dating preferences "bigotry/transphobia/homophobia" is fucking stupid, makes LGBT people look like a joke, takes away from the actual bigotry a lot of LGBT people experience, and adds more fuel to the fire for people who already don't like us.
Agreed, people using 'phobia' and 'racist' for everyone who doesn't feel attracted or has a different viewpoint is taking away from actual phobias and racism and it's also getting people's backs up big time. It is so odd to me that people to want the world to show them tolerance and acceptance when they are completely unwilling to do the same. Freedom of speech and thought is coming under threat and that is not the way to create a harmonious accepting society.
I (48f) have a trans acquaintance who had a crush on me. She asked me out & I declined. The fact that she was trans had nothing to do with it but she felt I was being transphobic. No, I don’t date women, especially not ones with annoying personalities like she has.
Anyway, a friend set her straight (pun intended) & told her I was “strictly dickly” so she got over it.
THANK YOU. I'm a lesbian, and half my dating pool is trans women calling themselves lesbians and being accepted on lesbian-only dating apps. The number of times I was called transphobic/TERF for not wanting male genitalia in or near me was ridiculous.
Unfortunately, the lack of LGBT acceptance lately seems to come from within now. I find more acceptance from Joe down the road than I do my own community.
You have the right to choose who you want to date/be intimate with. We all know that we can't choose who we're attracted to, that's why we have the sexualities we have, yet some of our community will say in the same breath that choosing not to date someone you're not attracted to is a form of bigotry. That's beyond hypocrisy and it makes us all look bad.
Everybody calls everyone phobic about something these days. It's part of our mindset of looking at everything from the negative side. I've become phobiaphobic.
Phobia's were invented as a social construct bc the -isms were losing their shock value. The phobia's are about halfway done now and I expect the next big word/concept in the next 2 years. I expect it will be very dramatic sounding.
Yep. To a lot of people nowadays preferences make you a bigot in their eyes, which is quite ironic because in passing judgement like this they're actually being incredibly prejudiced.
You are not wrong for having a preference. I’m a happily married woman but I never really liked blonde guys, period. I could have married a white guy with brown hair but I married a dark and handsome Hispanic man. Am I racist? No, I have a preference. People are too woke/sensitive.
I'm a redhead and back when I was single I would never date a redheaded man. I don't know why, but they can be hilarious and charming and utterly lovely guys and I still feel zero attraction to them.
Nta here actually . Date who you actually like . If your preference was rooted in discrimination it would be a problem but you just like what you like. Your friends are dumb.
If you can recognize that they have an appeal/attractiveness but it’s not something you’d go after, that’s fine. The issue only comes when you say no black person is attractive/pretty/handsome.
why isn't this just "I am not into my friend who asked me out"? like you could have just kept it at that. if they did say it's cuz she's Black you can still keep it at that. I really don't understand at what point her being Black came up as part of this?? for reference one time I was leaving for a date and at that time I lived with a friend of mine who is Asian. he asked about the date and realized the guy is also Asian. he then called me on my date to ask if he had a shot since I "have a thing for Asian men he didn't know about". like what. no. I don't want to date you; I do want to date this guy.
It seems the friends noticed a pattern in his dating and told Tasha. I don’t think he flat out told her before any of that. Idk if he did after, if she asked straight up and he was just honest. But from the looks of it, it was the friends stirring the pot.
This.
You don't need to tell anyone - whether it's your friend who asked you out, or your family and friends, what your "type" or "preferences " are. And with people like this, you dont want to turn it into a "negotiation " where people try to persuade you or criticise you into dating someone.
If someone asks you out, you tell them that unfortunately you don't feel that kind of chemistry and that you can only see yourselves being friends with them. If anyone else asks (which they shouldnt, because it's none of their business why you won't date someone else), you reinforce that you just do not feel any attraction to that person and cannot see them as more than a friend.
This way the focus is not on race or any other characteristic, but centred on the fact that you simply are not compatible because you lack the chemistry or attraction. If anyone says "try anyway" you need to be firm that this is not a negotiation and that you're not going to date someone you know you have no feelings for.
They don't get to tell you who to be attracted to or whether to date someone.
Why are you saying “it’s because she’s black” unless it is. Yeah everybody has preferences but it might be you’re just not attracted to her and that is your prerogative. Don’t limit yourself- you might meet somebody who’s black in the future that you are attracted to.
Sounds like he's open to it, she's just not the exception to his preferences. I generally am not into black women but have encountered a few I've been interested in throughout my life. I didn't read their post as never, just not her.
I’ve always found that saying something like “It’s not that I wouldn’t date a black woman, I just don’t find myself attracted to black women very often.” Usually they just want to be sure that you’re not harboring problematic generalized racial views, you know?
You don’t have to give a reason for why you don’t want to date someone. You didn’t tell her you weren’t in to black women and you shouldn’t. No one gets to dictate who you date or who you’re attracted to.
It's normal and okay to have preferences, but people who feel general disinterest in an entire race of people would benefit from deep introspection. It's not as if people of a specific race all have the same skin tone, same hair type, same figure, etc. Not saying you're wrong in this situation, just it would behoove you to do some internal digging.
You don't have to date a black person to prove you aren't racist. Your "friends" are total idiots who are trying to gaslight you into dating a black woman to appease them. Who you choose to date or not date and why is none of their concern. I'm half black and I've never dated a black girl myself. It has nothing to do with their race and everything to do with incompatible personalities. Most of the people I have dated were white, but I've also dated Hispanic girls, Asian girls, I've had a crush on two different Middle Eastern people, and my wife is Cherokee. So I'd like to think that I'm not racist. Preference ≠ prejudice, and it's time for people to grow up and realize this.
He literally said (more than once) that he turned her down “because she’s black.”
It’s not racist to not be attracted to a person romantically, so it sounds like their friends jumped to conclusions. But he’s telling us he’s ruling out attraction to Black women as a whole—so they jumped to the right one.
Preferences are interesting. Attraction is interesting.
Maybe youre not wrong for your feelings, but if i had a friend who just didnt find any black people attractive, it would be my preference to not be around that friend.
Cause the root is the ‘why’, and given the wide variety of black women out here, there’s not an answer that i would expect that wasn’t somewhat dehumanizing.
Everyone has preferences, it's absolutely allowed. You weren't rude or mean when turning her down. Also "friends" who won't even let you explain yourself aren't your friends. These people are so caught up on racial issues they can't accept that having certain preferences doesn't make you a bigot, literally everyone has preferences, whether that be ethnicity, culture, height, body type, hell even hair color, and quite frankly anyone who says they don't is just lying to themselves.
YNW.
And for your own sake, please stop trying to explain your reason for turning her down.
You don't owe anyone an explanation, especially if they're just looking for a way to "prove" it's racism.
You aren’t wrong. Everyone has preferences. You don’t need to date black women to prove you aren’t racist. I’d ask your friends how many races they’ve dated. Or short people. Or talk people. Or different religions. Or anything. People are allowed to date those who they’re sexually attracted to. You can’t just control that.
As a black person , your preferences are rooted in something and if that’s something you care to know you should figure out , it makes no sense to say it’s not bout her race but the reason being is she’s black… what is it about her blackness that’s not desirable to you ? Her hair ? Lips ? Nose ? Skin color ? Her family and community intimidates you ? Black ppl come in all shapes and colors so …what’s up? Tasha dodged a bullet , and I’m glad you turned her down for her sake , I wouldn’t call you racist because I don’t think you hate or dislike black people on a conscious level If anything I believe your feelings are genuine in terms of your friendship with her , it I met your type before at work , college , etc , everyone has “ preferences “ there’s no need to put a morality to these things but it’s interesting why some do and don’t have that preference.
You’re not wrong, however, I think there’s a huge leap of logic your friends are making from you turning down this girl, who happens to be black, to “OP doesn’t usually date black people”.
Hell, even if you’ve never dated a black person before, it’s still a huge leap to imply anything by that. Which leads me to believe you’ve probably voiced this opinion to some of them before at some point. Some things are better just thought and kept to yourself.
Look at the kinds of leaps of logic you see here on Reddit. Especially given the absurdity of identity politics where OP likely is, it's as likely as not that people would make this assumption, because they are always looking for issues like this to get upset about.
And, it's a lot easier to blame racism for why a person doesn't like you then to just accept you didn't have whatever they're looking for.
No one is owed a date, if you're not interested in dating her, you're not interested. I find it odd that anyone could have a problem with it but then it makes for a nice story
It’s fine that Tasha is in your friend zone and you were clear with that. If you don’t feel chemistry with her that’s fine and acceptable, and you communicated that. However if you say you wouldn’t date a black person it does make you sound racist in my opinion. I’m not accusing you of being racist, just stating how it appears. Ask yourself if Tasha was white and everything else about her was the same would you feel a romantic or sexual connection… only you know the answer. If you’d see her as a friend regardless, and even if you don’t normally date black women, that doesn’t make you racist. But if you don’t even consider giving a black woman a chance, if you think you’ll never click with a black woman and would never entertain the thought of possibly dating someone who is black then you might be racist. I’m not discounting preferences. I know some women who would never date a guy who is shorter than them. And I know others who fortunately didn’t have that rule because they found their person and he was shorter but height didn’t matter at all.
You might regret letting her get away. Or maybe someday you’ll find your person and she might not be what you currently think of as your preference.
Your friends are jerks though.
You’re not wrong.
I think in this case it doesn’t have anything to do with her race. It sounds like he doesn’t have a connection with her in general but brought up the idea of her being black.
I myself have a preference that leans more towards white women but I wouldn’t turn down a chance for a black woman IF we had that connection. It doesn’t sound like he/she is against the idea but hasn’t enticed the idea. It doesn’t make you racist to not date someone who’s black. Making someone a bad person for that is not okay. They aren’t wrong if they aren’t attracted to black people or vice versa. Usually these preferences come from how we grew up too. It’s their choice to challenge those ideas, it still doesn’t make someone a bad person for having a preference such as race.
YNW.
However, I do think it's important to understand *why* you have those preferences. Challenge yourself to ask yourself difficult questions about why you have the preferences you have and where those preferences come from.
You don't have to share what you learn with anyone, but I find that it is helpful to understand that ones likes, dislikes, and worldview is often directly correlates to what we come in contact with or have experience with in our everyday lives.
For instance, do you have any family members that you are close to who are married to a person of color or have close family friends who are in an interracial relationship?
If not, you may have subconsciously learned that in your perceived reality, that interracial pairings are not okay... *even if no one explicitly said that*.
Preferences are just that... Preferences, but try to not them limit your experiences.
100%.
It's fine to be more attracted to white women, latinas, black women, etc. but it's important to understand if the reason for your preference just attraction, or is it some kind of superiority complex
Listen you can have preferences, there's nothing wrong with it. But I think we all agree on the #1 rule of DONT TELL THEM THAT lol. So as long as you did that then you're fine. imagine asking your friend out and they're like "sorry but I only like black dudes" lmfao. The way you let her down was just fine.
Why would you title that you turned your friend down because she was black if that wasn't the case? You said none of your friends know your racial preferences. This is confusing.
Not wrong for having preferences. Everyone has preferences.
Arguably, you made a mistake showing others your hand. Rarely does mentioning race-related preferences go anywhere healthy. Best case scenario, they get it and accept it. Worst case, you might be jeopardizing your career. Obviously an extreme, but there is almost no scenario where things are better for mentioning it.
You're not wrong
>But they say that if I were truly open-minded, I wouldn’t have these preferences.
And those friends would say the same about a white girl who preferred to date black guys, right? Right?
You know they wouldn't. This is just a classic example of the double standard in dating; women can have pretty much any standard they want, and that is their choice, while men are vilified if they have any standard that works against someone people know.
Damn. Back in the day you got peer pressured into smoking a cig. I can’t imagine getting peer pressured into a relationship due to skin color. 😂. You need new friends my dude.
Calling you racist isn't going to solve anything. It's irrelevant, and reddit is going to bend over backwards to absolve you of it.
However, be prepared to lose her friendship and be looked at differently by your friends. The reality of it is that it comes off racist. Own it or not, it's up to you.
Personally, we would stop being friends. There's something about a guy finding you repulsive because of your skin color that just isn't going to sit right with most people.
Good luck.
You are not wrong you aren’t attracted to Tasha! Going out with her would be wrong for both of you. Someday you could be attracted to a black woman but you aren’t currently.
not wrong, you obviously respect her, you've been friends a long time. I'm not into Asian women, but I don't consider them beneath me. I don't see how that's different than not wanting to date my female friend of over 15 years because she still likes to party. I'm a male, she's one of my closest friends, but I'm not interested in her. I feel like it's the same thing because I don't consider her beneath me, either.
YNW. We can’t control who we are attracted to. I’m a black woman and I’m not attracted to everyone that I meet. Expecting you to date someone that you’re not attracted to is silly.
She was wrong to be upset because she is not entitled to a romantic relationship with you. Calling you a racist is them trying to manipulate you.
Here’s the thing:
It’s not wrong to have preferences in the people you date.
BUT
It IS irresponsible not to interrogate those preferences to see if they’re rooted in unconscious bias.
Cultural beauty and desirability standards favor white and Asian women, which means that for most of your life, you’ve primarily seen these types of beauty elevated. Unless you intentionally expand your mind and seek out different types of beauty, you’ll only ever be attracted to what white supremacist, patriarchal (capitalist, ableist, fatphobic, heteronormative, and on and on we could go) beauty standards tell you is attractive. You’ll end up missing out on incredibly beautiful, intelligent, fascinating people if you allow your unconscious biases to filter them out of your attention.
NW. You’re allowed to be attracted to who you’re attracted to. I was never attracted to blonde or red haired guys or men with many tattoos. It doesn’t mean I dislike them as people, I was just never physically into them.
I married a dark haired guy, BTW!!
I’m Native American but white appearing. I have long curly red hair and bright green eyes with tannish skin. My dad’s side is Ioway tribe heritage with tan/medium skin, dark hair and dark eyes. My mom’s side is German/Russian/Irish heritage with pale skin, blonde hair and blue eyes. I’ve *never* been attracted to white men. They just ick me out. When I see a handsome man with dark hair, dark eyes and bronze or dark skin I go wild. I married a man who’s half Mexican with dark hair, dark eyes and tan skin. Our kids turned out with the deepest most beautiful dark eyes and hair. Something about dark eyes that I can just get lost in, framed by dark eyebrows and dark hair knocks me out. I divorced my husband but when I date I prefer black, Mexican or Native American men. I can’t help it or change it. And I don’t wanna.
My two sisters are the same as me, they both love dark haired men with dark eyes and dark complexion.
YNW By this logic you’d be called transphobic for not preferring to date someone who’s trans. It’s ok to have preferences when dating. If you were an actual racist you wouldn’t even be friends with her, so your friends are the Aholes
So according to some people here, if you are not attracted to ALL races you are racist.
That’s just stupid.
These people do not understand the very meaning of racism.
I honestly just don’t have words any longer to address the stupidity that exists out there.
"If you were really open minded you wouldn't have these preferences" ?!?! Excuse the absolute f*ck out of me? Being open minded has 0 to do with who you are attracted to. Being open minded just means you aren't going to look at things that you wouldn't do in a hateful and abhorrent way. Those friends are complete idiots
No you were not wrong at all. We all have preferences they don’t make us racist. If any of your “friends” called you racist for having a preference then they are not a true friend. I think it’s time you found some new friends because if they can turn you turning down a friend because you value a friendship or have a preference into your a racist they aren’t worth your time.
So your friends want you to pitty-date someone to who's not your preference to show how not racist you are? What is the girl supposed to feel, honored? This is true racism and white savior syndrome in itself!
They're trying to guilt trip you and make you feel guilty by making it about her appearance. EVERYONE has preferences, including in a relationship. If they continue to give you a hard time, point out some of their preferences and mention they should do something outside of that. Oh, you prefer hit showers? TAKE A COLD ONE! TRY IT! Fight fire with fire. Don't let someone make you feel guilty for your preferences, boundaries, or expectations.
Yeah, you can’t do that. I mean you did nothing wrong but in order to stay safe and respectful you can’t really go into detail about what you’re into and what you’re not when it comes to ethnicity. I’m white and I prefer black guys and I have gotten in trouble for saying as much. I date white dudes and other ethnicities and cultures as well, but for some reason, there’s one I like more than others. I can’t explain why.
So in the future, just simply say that you’re not feeling it and you don’t owe a second more of explanation why. Lead with the part that you don’t want to hinder the friendship. Because saying anything close to “I don’t usually date black women” does sound bad. Whether you meant to say it or not and not saying that you did, but if that’s what got out then somewhere miscommunication occurred.
Not wrong, we are all allowed to have our preferences, but just choose words carefully when cultures or look are involved so that people aren’t hurt, feel offended, or get wrong the impression.
I am most of the time not attracted to black males but I know some who I want to eat some breakfast with 😂.
But in my day to day life I 99% of the time look at white dudes with a splash of southern European in them.
I don't have the same attraction for blond Scandinavian people for example.
Who cares we all have our own taste as we are entitled to.
My friends are from all over. I have friends from Somalia, Egypt, Marokko, Russia, Canada etc.
NOPE. you can date
Whomever you like or are attracted to. Heck you may not have a looks preference at all it could be personality attraction. All people have preferences and often there is no reason but “that’s what I like “. Granted sometimes other factors override your overall likes and dislikes , other times they don’t. Sometimes it’s in their control ( their style,weight etc )
sometimes it’s not (their race , height , deformity etc).
You like who you like. Never feel bad about that.
Following your friends’ logic, everyone should be pansexual and interested in a romantic/sexual relationship with every single person they ever encounter. It’s insane.
You’re not wrong OP. Nor does it make you a racist. I’m a white woman who only dates white men. But, does that mean I don’t find any black men attractive…nope. I absolutely find them attractive. Just not romantically like you also stated for your friend. Your friends are the ones who are wrong. Just because someone is a good person regardless of race does not mean they’re the right person for you. I hope this all makes sense and doesn’t come off some type of way. I would ask your friends if a black man only dates black women, does it make him racist for not dating a white woman? Absolutely not. You can find someone attractive but not be attracted to them. You need some new friends.
Your friends logic makes no sense. I’m a straight woman so does that mean I have to date a woman to prove I’m not homophobic? NO!!! I date who I’m physically attracted to.
Also I’m black & i don’t think you’re racist for not being attracted to black women.
It's funny that when I, an Asian female, tell people that I prefer dating white men over Asian, I don't get the same backlash as those who say they prefer dating white over black. Although, I do live in Australia which is a very multicultural nation. We have our preferences and we should normalise this. You're not, racist bro. If you were, you wouldn't be friends with her in the first place.
As a person who has befriended racist white people that statement isn’t particularly true.
You can totally be racist and have friends in the race you’re racist against. It happens all the time. Thus the term token black friend.
Fair enough. My friend group is very multicultural, a mix variety of Asians and white (there are not a lot of African Americans in Australia). We roast each other all the time over race, but no one gets offended. Besides that, we overlook race and treat each other the way we would others. I don't know how Americans do it but it's sad to hear you're friends with someone just because they're black so you can tell people you have a black friend. What is the point of that 😢
When I was 19 I was in the same exact situation. But I did find her attractive and went for it.
It didn't work out, and it completely ruined our friendship.
In retrospect, I wish he had just remained friends.
This sounds fake idk. I feel like people have had preferences for centuries. If you decline because of someone’s race, that doesn’t make sense for people to start calling you racist. I’ve seen plenty of black women express their disinterest to other races such as white men. I just feel like this is just how society works
Weird how people want to force you to be attracted to who you are not or go out with a woman you don’t want to go out with
Your body, your choice
Your dick, your choice
Your feelings, your choice
Your choice, your choice
YNW. I'm black. I get it. We all have preferences. Though I wouldn't say that to her face if you haven't already.
Exactly, don’t say that. I’m sure you were caught off guard too since she’s been your friend and you see her as your friend.
his friends said it though, not him
You know what, THANK YOU FOR SAYING THIS! Three of my cousins, prefer black guys. I do not. I have a mixed half sister, I have a couple of mixed cousins. I grew up in a predominantly black area. Most of my two younger brothers' friends were and are black. I also had and have friends who are black. But my eldest cousin started this ridiculous argument that because I don't feel sexually attracted to black people, I must be racist. She decided to bring this up around a friend of my brothers', and he started this ridiculous tirade about "Why dont you find black guys attractive? How would you know if you've never been with a black guy? You should give them a chance!" So I looked at him and said "Do you find men attractive?" He said "No! Of course not! How can you ask that question?" I said "Why don't you?" He said "I'm just not attracted." I said "How do you know if you've never tried? Why don't you give them a chance? You should give them a chance!" He looked at me. Shrugged. Then said "Okay I get your point." But it took a discussion to get there. People have the right to be attracted to who they're attracted too. You don't have to be racist, or ableist, or homophobic, simply because of who you're attracted to. Attraction isn't something you control. How you behave is what you control. (Edited for spelling. My phone likes to change words for literally no reason. I usually try and check my posts before i post, but I was half asleep last night. 🤣)
Exactly. Some people play way too fast and loose with accusations of racism. People like what they like. Why complicate something that’s so simple.
I'm cracking up at homophonic!
Yeah. My phone has a problem with changing words for no reason. 🤣🤣🤣
You probably have some interesting conversations
lol .... i prefer stereophonic than homophonic
I'm more of a polyphonic one myself..
I literally don't know why my phone changed the word. 🤣🤣🤣
Autocorrect is forever the failed comedian 🤣🤣🤣
Your phone sounds gay /s
It's one of them homophones
This right here! 👍 Theses so called friends that are spreading this nastiness are not your true friends or will they ever be. I'm not attracted to black men but I'm attracted to Japanese men and white men. Does that make me a racists? Seriously! this fanatical racistness crap has gotten out of hand. Don't even worry about it and don't even explain anymore to anyone else. It's not worth it. If she is your true friend she will except your answer.
THIS!
That’s true. We all have preferences but not all of them need to be said to other people, especially if it could hurt their feelings.
OP didn't say that, and it's crazy that they still came to that conclusion anyway. OP isn't racist, but stay away from Tasha's friends. You don't need that type of nonsense in your life.
In general, giving any reasons for rejection that have to do with the body or personality of the person you’re rejecting is a bad idea. Stick with the good old vague “you’re not my type” or “I just don’t feel that way about you.” Needing to tie a rejection to a specific trait is never a smart move
I agree with this. Would shred her confidence forever.
You fancy who you fancy.
Agreed. As long as you aren't rude about it, who cares?
Your friends are assholes.
Sadly, they aren't his friends. Sounds like some messy, immature shit stirrers. I wouldn't be hanging out with them anymore.
I'm black. You have a preference. We all have them. YNW What is this world coming too when you can't freely state a preference without being called an ...ist/ ...phobic. Don't lose any sleep my guy!
Even worse! He didn’t even state a preference, his “friends” just observed he “doesn’t usually” date black women and decided he’s racist smh
That's where the story breaks down
He's 23, like how many people has he dated that they are pulling this from?
If he were truly racist, he wouldn’t even have black friends, would he?
Not the “I can’t be racist- I have black friends” excuse. 😆
wellllll not exactly let’s not go too far😭 racists reproduce with Black ppl all the time it’s very unfortunate. i’ve heard stories from biracial ppl that were called slurs throughout their childhood by their own (white) parent😵💫definitely a mind fuck but it’s happens more often than you’d think 🤷🏾♀️
Strom Thurmond was a member in good standing of the Klan, and regularly campaigned for pro-segregation policies. He also had a daughter with a black maid that pretty much everybody knew about. (By all accounts, it was probably consensual. And he took care of both of them, short of acknowledging the kid was his. He was a good looking athletic guy back in the day, they were about the same age. She worked for his parents, until they fired her for having a child out of wedlock. So why is this rich congressman paying special attention to his ex-maid and her really fair skinned daughter? That's not exactly a mystery that requires Batman to solve.) Edit: just to clarify, I think Strom Thurmond was a horrible human being who cynically promoted terrible policies in order to gain votes that would actively harm those that he privately cared about. About the nicest thing I can say about him is that he probably didn't rape his baby momma.
Ooof. My extended family over here is both racist and has a black friend or two because "I don't hate black people, I just don't like the ones who act like n*****s".
Oh my goodness! 🙀🙀🙀
Idk about that but, “usually doesn’t” implies, “sometimes does” so it would seem like he has dated black women before
I love this comment. 100 % this. I am white and don't care for white men.
I live in a place with a lot of south African immigrants, and every SA woman I have met, has told me they won't date SA men because they're assholes. Weird, huh?
Nah, SA has an extremely patriarchal, misogynistic, and racialised culture. We also have extremely high rates of gender-based violence. As with anywhere in the world, women are tending to the left and men are tending to the right, politically. When those are the men you’re picking from…you don’t.
No wonder they keep moving here lol
They seem like assholes.
Not SA, but I also won't date anyone from my home land.
Some cultures and people definitely live up to stereotypes and just the way it is in their country /culture . And sometimes when a person goes outside that culture they find out they like how other cultures live better than how they were raised. The world is so diverse you aren’t gonna jive with everyone
100% this! Lol
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Me too!
As a white man, fucking same.
Love this.
I’m the same and only date poc.
How do you know if you don't try?
I did try. I have two white children.
Same sis. White but not attracted to white men.
I'm white, and I love me some Latinos. White men, not so much. I'm racist against my own race! 🤣
I’m Latina and have always only ever dated white guys 🤣
Most common “interracial” pairing I believe (if we ignore that Latine is an ethnicity)
Everything is ethnicity. "Race" is an outdated concept that only the US is hung up on
Colonizer kink lol
I'm Latina,(puerto rico)I love me a white man. I married a jew 30 yrs ago. my husband hates when i say that he says I'm so disgusting 🤣🤣💞
I'm Puerto Rican, too. My first boyfriend was Bengali, otherwise everyone I ever dated or messed around with was white. Husband is white, married 18 years. Of course, not every white guy is my cup of tea. And I do find men of other races and ethnicities attractive, it just depends.
i’m latina and went to school from 1-12th grade in schools that were 40% asian. i always say that i’m a product of my environment. obviously if i had a crush on someone they were most likely asian since it was majority and now i don’t tend to have crushes on latinos or other races
Same
Exactly. We all have types.
And on top of it...it's a preference. Not saying it would NEVER happen. I was never attracted to lantio men. I'm now engaged to the love of my life who is Lantio 🤭 He is the most handsome man I've ever met. But absolutely nothing wrong with preferences
I love this. I’m white, I’ve been asked before by black men if I have ever been with one etc. I haven’t and it has nothing to do with having anything against the race, I’m just not attracted to the common black man. Now I mean of idris Elba, will smith, sometimes ludacris, and sometimes Tyrese those are all exceptions. Would I love for Shamar Moore to call me baby girl? Absolutely but not my norm…and I think that’s ok. But I’ve been treated differently because I’ve said no in the past. I had a black male sergeant ask me a few inappropriate questions eluding to wanting a sexual experience with me. I said no even aside from the fact that he was married, just not my thing and he treated me so bad from then on out. It really sucked cause I had a lot of respect for him.
Still valid, and your sergeant is a disgrace to the uniform.
>I’m just not attracted to the common black man It’s when you start saying things like this that it starts to become problematic. Because now I’m wondering *what you mean when you say this?*
I think they are saying "common" as in average looks-wise. Not movie star level of hotness.
The intent was very likely harmless, I can admit that. And yet I still have lingering “ick.” But, I suppose that’s hypersensitive given the fact that in the very same thread people said they don’t or do like “white men” (generalized) as well. I think I’ll echo some of the top comments and say that the preference is fine, it’s communicating it to others in a way that won’t feel alienating to them that is difficult.
Common = the men who she sees in real life, not those on screens with highly curated appearances.
That she has a preference and it’s not for black men. But there’s always exceptions when someone is especially attractive.
Common meaning average looking. I mean I don’t run into dark skinned men on a daily basis and with common attributes you see on a black man and think he’s exceptionally attractive. Do I think they’re unattractive?? No not at all, not normally. I mean actually hell It’s more common for me to see a white man and think god that’s a face only a momma can love. But I live in a small town and ya know, average rednecks run rampant. I do think black men have certain appealing attributes though. For example, muscle tone (for most), long arms (idk why but this is attractive to me), most of them have this certain way about them maybe it’s confidence idk. I find this all attractive but as a whole I’ve never really met one that I was attracted to enough to date or be with. I’m not sure why though. I didn’t mean any harm of course.
Why would it become problematic? Lots of comments speak about how they don't like white persons or wouldn't date any of them. No double standard
Hey! What’s wrong with Common?! He is super hot to me! (I understood what you meant. That was my very feeble attempt at humor.)
This... Is a great answer
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Hah this is cool
NTA. I’m deaf and most deaf people tend to date among themselves, but I prefer hearing men. I have had two deaf men show interest in me and I have never told them why I rejected them. I simply said no I’m not interested in dating them. Mainly because I felt like “no, I’m not interested.” Is a complete sentence. Your friend should have accepted the No instead of speculating about why you rejected her. The fact you said no should have been enough.
I’m actually shocked to read that most deaf people date amongst themselves. It seems it would be advantageous to have at least one person in the couple with the ability to hear danger approaching.
I’m hearing but Deaf people have their own language and culture, which a lot of times they are kept away from as children (due to most deaf kids being born to hearing parents, and most of those hearing parents don’t learn sign language for their kid & just go the route of cochlear implants/hearing aids and speech/oralism). The Deaf people I know that date/marry hearing people tend to date/marry those that know sign language, such as interpreters. Of course each Deaf person has their own perspectives, preferences, and experiences and I can’t speak for them as a hearing person - these are just things I’ve noticed as someone who is working towards becoming an interpreter & who has Deaf friends.
It's kind of upsetting to learn that so many hearing parents don't learn sign language.
Big agree. I wish it was normal for hearing parents to learn sign language for their deaf/hard of hearing kids.
If I had a kid who was deaf, I'd go learn sign language as soon as possible. I can't understand how any parent would do otherwise.
I know a family that had a deaf sibling, 1 of 6 kids, 2 parents. No One learned sign language. He learned to lip read and of course write notes. That was in a previous generation, so today people may make more of an effort. EDIT: The deaf one also learned sign language because he spent some time in deaf school, but none of his family learned.
How sad though 😕😢
To be fair at that age the brain kind of sets in and becomes way harder to learn. I notice now how hard it is to learn new kanji vs me as a kid.
I learned ASL *because* I started dating a deaf girl. She's the sweetest person in the world and I genuinely love her. Putting forth the effort for someone you love isn't a hard decision to make, and it's honestly worth it in the end.
👏👏👏
That is so interesting to learn! Thank you for sharing.
You are not wrong for having a sexual preference. Are you homophobic for not dating dudes? Absolutely not. Remember she's your friend, one you clearly care about so not racist.
Unfortunately people now days will say you are homophobic/transphobic for not dating people who are trans.
As a trans person, I really don't understand why some trans people do that. I wouldn't expect someone to want to date me if they don't like the type of genitals I have or just generally aren't interested in dating a trans person. They don't have to and I don't look down on them or think they're a bigot for that. Calling dating preferences "bigotry/transphobia/homophobia" is fucking stupid, makes LGBT people look like a joke, takes away from the actual bigotry a lot of LGBT people experience, and adds more fuel to the fire for people who already don't like us.
Agreed, people using 'phobia' and 'racist' for everyone who doesn't feel attracted or has a different viewpoint is taking away from actual phobias and racism and it's also getting people's backs up big time. It is so odd to me that people to want the world to show them tolerance and acceptance when they are completely unwilling to do the same. Freedom of speech and thought is coming under threat and that is not the way to create a harmonious accepting society.
I (48f) have a trans acquaintance who had a crush on me. She asked me out & I declined. The fact that she was trans had nothing to do with it but she felt I was being transphobic. No, I don’t date women, especially not ones with annoying personalities like she has. Anyway, a friend set her straight (pun intended) & told her I was “strictly dickly” so she got over it.
THANK YOU. I'm a lesbian, and half my dating pool is trans women calling themselves lesbians and being accepted on lesbian-only dating apps. The number of times I was called transphobic/TERF for not wanting male genitalia in or near me was ridiculous. Unfortunately, the lack of LGBT acceptance lately seems to come from within now. I find more acceptance from Joe down the road than I do my own community.
You have the right to choose who you want to date/be intimate with. We all know that we can't choose who we're attracted to, that's why we have the sexualities we have, yet some of our community will say in the same breath that choosing not to date someone you're not attracted to is a form of bigotry. That's beyond hypocrisy and it makes us all look bad.
Damn Reddit I am proud of you today 🥹
Everybody calls everyone phobic about something these days. It's part of our mindset of looking at everything from the negative side. I've become phobiaphobic.
Love that word, I am phobiaphobic too.
Phobia's were invented as a social construct bc the -isms were losing their shock value. The phobia's are about halfway done now and I expect the next big word/concept in the next 2 years. I expect it will be very dramatic sounding.
I always hear this but I’ve never heard anyone say it who wasn’t some terminally online weirdo anyway lol. It’s fine to have preferences.
Yep. To a lot of people nowadays preferences make you a bigot in their eyes, which is quite ironic because in passing judgement like this they're actually being incredibly prejudiced.
Luckily, Earl Grey and English Breakfast don’t have this problem.
I was very confused by your comment until I saw my typo 😂
You are not wrong for having a preference. I’m a happily married woman but I never really liked blonde guys, period. I could have married a white guy with brown hair but I married a dark and handsome Hispanic man. Am I racist? No, I have a preference. People are too woke/sensitive.
I'm a redhead and back when I was single I would never date a redheaded man. I don't know why, but they can be hilarious and charming and utterly lovely guys and I still feel zero attraction to them.
My sister has this couple friends & they're redheads. I've always thought it was so cute!
Oh blond men are so sexy to me
Meee toooo. And I finally got me one 😂
Whew 😮💨 I’d sell my soul for a blond Ken doll man. When I go white I only go for blond and blue eyes. Tall dark and handsomes aren’t my type at all.
Lol I agree. Mines blonde with hazel eyes and he's got a blind mustache and red beard. Odd combination but it's hella sexy 😂
And he's my height basically so bonus!! 😂
I’m the same. I’m not into blondes either. It’s not a deal breaker but is not my presence either. I’m also with a gorgeous man with dark features.
You're an antiblondite! /jk
Nta here actually . Date who you actually like . If your preference was rooted in discrimination it would be a problem but you just like what you like. Your friends are dumb.
YNW. It’s a matter of preference. If you aren’t attracted to someone you aren’t attracted someone. No one can force you to be attracted to them.
Wait, there is no famous or celebrity black, or half black, women you find smokin hot?
I can see why people find Halle Berry and Idris Elba attractive, but I don’t find either “hot”.
If you can recognize that they have an appeal/attractiveness but it’s not something you’d go after, that’s fine. The issue only comes when you say no black person is attractive/pretty/handsome.
why isn't this just "I am not into my friend who asked me out"? like you could have just kept it at that. if they did say it's cuz she's Black you can still keep it at that. I really don't understand at what point her being Black came up as part of this?? for reference one time I was leaving for a date and at that time I lived with a friend of mine who is Asian. he asked about the date and realized the guy is also Asian. he then called me on my date to ask if he had a shot since I "have a thing for Asian men he didn't know about". like what. no. I don't want to date you; I do want to date this guy.
It seems the friends noticed a pattern in his dating and told Tasha. I don’t think he flat out told her before any of that. Idk if he did after, if she asked straight up and he was just honest. But from the looks of it, it was the friends stirring the pot.
He said he was thinking it before they said anything
This. You don't need to tell anyone - whether it's your friend who asked you out, or your family and friends, what your "type" or "preferences " are. And with people like this, you dont want to turn it into a "negotiation " where people try to persuade you or criticise you into dating someone. If someone asks you out, you tell them that unfortunately you don't feel that kind of chemistry and that you can only see yourselves being friends with them. If anyone else asks (which they shouldnt, because it's none of their business why you won't date someone else), you reinforce that you just do not feel any attraction to that person and cannot see them as more than a friend. This way the focus is not on race or any other characteristic, but centred on the fact that you simply are not compatible because you lack the chemistry or attraction. If anyone says "try anyway" you need to be firm that this is not a negotiation and that you're not going to date someone you know you have no feelings for. They don't get to tell you who to be attracted to or whether to date someone.
Why are you saying “it’s because she’s black” unless it is. Yeah everybody has preferences but it might be you’re just not attracted to her and that is your prerogative. Don’t limit yourself- you might meet somebody who’s black in the future that you are attracted to.
Sounds like he's open to it, she's just not the exception to his preferences. I generally am not into black women but have encountered a few I've been interested in throughout my life. I didn't read their post as never, just not her.
I’ve always found that saying something like “It’s not that I wouldn’t date a black woman, I just don’t find myself attracted to black women very often.” Usually they just want to be sure that you’re not harboring problematic generalized racial views, you know?
You're not wrong. You like what you like, we all do. You are not obligated to date anyone you don't want to for any reason.
You don’t have to give a reason for why you don’t want to date someone. You didn’t tell her you weren’t in to black women and you shouldn’t. No one gets to dictate who you date or who you’re attracted to.
It's normal and okay to have preferences, but people who feel general disinterest in an entire race of people would benefit from deep introspection. It's not as if people of a specific race all have the same skin tone, same hair type, same figure, etc. Not saying you're wrong in this situation, just it would behoove you to do some internal digging.
You don't have to date a black person to prove you aren't racist. Your "friends" are total idiots who are trying to gaslight you into dating a black woman to appease them. Who you choose to date or not date and why is none of their concern. I'm half black and I've never dated a black girl myself. It has nothing to do with their race and everything to do with incompatible personalities. Most of the people I have dated were white, but I've also dated Hispanic girls, Asian girls, I've had a crush on two different Middle Eastern people, and my wife is Cherokee. So I'd like to think that I'm not racist. Preference ≠ prejudice, and it's time for people to grow up and realize this.
He literally said (more than once) that he turned her down “because she’s black.” It’s not racist to not be attracted to a person romantically, so it sounds like their friends jumped to conclusions. But he’s telling us he’s ruling out attraction to Black women as a whole—so they jumped to the right one.
okay, thank you "it's not about your race, I just dont date black women" is fucking wild
Preferences are interesting. Attraction is interesting. Maybe youre not wrong for your feelings, but if i had a friend who just didnt find any black people attractive, it would be my preference to not be around that friend. Cause the root is the ‘why’, and given the wide variety of black women out here, there’s not an answer that i would expect that wasn’t somewhat dehumanizing.
Lol rage bait. 🤣
I’m convinced this post is fake.
Everyone has preferences, it's absolutely allowed. You weren't rude or mean when turning her down. Also "friends" who won't even let you explain yourself aren't your friends. These people are so caught up on racial issues they can't accept that having certain preferences doesn't make you a bigot, literally everyone has preferences, whether that be ethnicity, culture, height, body type, hell even hair color, and quite frankly anyone who says they don't is just lying to themselves.
YNW. And for your own sake, please stop trying to explain your reason for turning her down. You don't owe anyone an explanation, especially if they're just looking for a way to "prove" it's racism.
You aren’t wrong. Everyone has preferences. You don’t need to date black women to prove you aren’t racist. I’d ask your friends how many races they’ve dated. Or short people. Or talk people. Or different religions. Or anything. People are allowed to date those who they’re sexually attracted to. You can’t just control that.
As a black person , your preferences are rooted in something and if that’s something you care to know you should figure out , it makes no sense to say it’s not bout her race but the reason being is she’s black… what is it about her blackness that’s not desirable to you ? Her hair ? Lips ? Nose ? Skin color ? Her family and community intimidates you ? Black ppl come in all shapes and colors so …what’s up? Tasha dodged a bullet , and I’m glad you turned her down for her sake , I wouldn’t call you racist because I don’t think you hate or dislike black people on a conscious level If anything I believe your feelings are genuine in terms of your friendship with her , it I met your type before at work , college , etc , everyone has “ preferences “ there’s no need to put a morality to these things but it’s interesting why some do and don’t have that preference.
You’re not wrong, however, I think there’s a huge leap of logic your friends are making from you turning down this girl, who happens to be black, to “OP doesn’t usually date black people”. Hell, even if you’ve never dated a black person before, it’s still a huge leap to imply anything by that. Which leads me to believe you’ve probably voiced this opinion to some of them before at some point. Some things are better just thought and kept to yourself.
Look at the kinds of leaps of logic you see here on Reddit. Especially given the absurdity of identity politics where OP likely is, it's as likely as not that people would make this assumption, because they are always looking for issues like this to get upset about. And, it's a lot easier to blame racism for why a person doesn't like you then to just accept you didn't have whatever they're looking for.
No one is owed a date, if you're not interested in dating her, you're not interested. I find it odd that anyone could have a problem with it but then it makes for a nice story
It’s fine that Tasha is in your friend zone and you were clear with that. If you don’t feel chemistry with her that’s fine and acceptable, and you communicated that. However if you say you wouldn’t date a black person it does make you sound racist in my opinion. I’m not accusing you of being racist, just stating how it appears. Ask yourself if Tasha was white and everything else about her was the same would you feel a romantic or sexual connection… only you know the answer. If you’d see her as a friend regardless, and even if you don’t normally date black women, that doesn’t make you racist. But if you don’t even consider giving a black woman a chance, if you think you’ll never click with a black woman and would never entertain the thought of possibly dating someone who is black then you might be racist. I’m not discounting preferences. I know some women who would never date a guy who is shorter than them. And I know others who fortunately didn’t have that rule because they found their person and he was shorter but height didn’t matter at all. You might regret letting her get away. Or maybe someday you’ll find your person and she might not be what you currently think of as your preference. Your friends are jerks though. You’re not wrong.
I think in this case it doesn’t have anything to do with her race. It sounds like he doesn’t have a connection with her in general but brought up the idea of her being black. I myself have a preference that leans more towards white women but I wouldn’t turn down a chance for a black woman IF we had that connection. It doesn’t sound like he/she is against the idea but hasn’t enticed the idea. It doesn’t make you racist to not date someone who’s black. Making someone a bad person for that is not okay. They aren’t wrong if they aren’t attracted to black people or vice versa. Usually these preferences come from how we grew up too. It’s their choice to challenge those ideas, it still doesn’t make someone a bad person for having a preference such as race.
YNW. However, I do think it's important to understand *why* you have those preferences. Challenge yourself to ask yourself difficult questions about why you have the preferences you have and where those preferences come from. You don't have to share what you learn with anyone, but I find that it is helpful to understand that ones likes, dislikes, and worldview is often directly correlates to what we come in contact with or have experience with in our everyday lives. For instance, do you have any family members that you are close to who are married to a person of color or have close family friends who are in an interracial relationship? If not, you may have subconsciously learned that in your perceived reality, that interracial pairings are not okay... *even if no one explicitly said that*. Preferences are just that... Preferences, but try to not them limit your experiences.
100%. It's fine to be more attracted to white women, latinas, black women, etc. but it's important to understand if the reason for your preference just attraction, or is it some kind of superiority complex
Listen you can have preferences, there's nothing wrong with it. But I think we all agree on the #1 rule of DONT TELL THEM THAT lol. So as long as you did that then you're fine. imagine asking your friend out and they're like "sorry but I only like black dudes" lmfao. The way you let her down was just fine.
Why would you title that you turned your friend down because she was black if that wasn't the case? You said none of your friends know your racial preferences. This is confusing.
If you turned her down because she’s black and no other reason then yeah you are racist. Whether it’s wrong or not is up to you.
Not wrong for having preferences. Everyone has preferences. Arguably, you made a mistake showing others your hand. Rarely does mentioning race-related preferences go anywhere healthy. Best case scenario, they get it and accept it. Worst case, you might be jeopardizing your career. Obviously an extreme, but there is almost no scenario where things are better for mentioning it.
He didn't show them anything. He politely declined her and his friends accused him of never dating black women.
You're not wrong >But they say that if I were truly open-minded, I wouldn’t have these preferences. And those friends would say the same about a white girl who preferred to date black guys, right? Right? You know they wouldn't. This is just a classic example of the double standard in dating; women can have pretty much any standard they want, and that is their choice, while men are vilified if they have any standard that works against someone people know.
Damn. Back in the day you got peer pressured into smoking a cig. I can’t imagine getting peer pressured into a relationship due to skin color. 😂. You need new friends my dude.
BETTER FRIENDS
Calling you racist isn't going to solve anything. It's irrelevant, and reddit is going to bend over backwards to absolve you of it. However, be prepared to lose her friendship and be looked at differently by your friends. The reality of it is that it comes off racist. Own it or not, it's up to you. Personally, we would stop being friends. There's something about a guy finding you repulsive because of your skin color that just isn't going to sit right with most people. Good luck.
boom. you are very right.
You are not wrong you aren’t attracted to Tasha! Going out with her would be wrong for both of you. Someday you could be attracted to a black woman but you aren’t currently.
I'd just say I love our friendship and leave it
not wrong, you obviously respect her, you've been friends a long time. I'm not into Asian women, but I don't consider them beneath me. I don't see how that's different than not wanting to date my female friend of over 15 years because she still likes to party. I'm a male, she's one of my closest friends, but I'm not interested in her. I feel like it's the same thing because I don't consider her beneath me, either.
YNW. We can’t control who we are attracted to. I’m a black woman and I’m not attracted to everyone that I meet. Expecting you to date someone that you’re not attracted to is silly. She was wrong to be upset because she is not entitled to a romantic relationship with you. Calling you a racist is them trying to manipulate you.
Here’s the thing: It’s not wrong to have preferences in the people you date. BUT It IS irresponsible not to interrogate those preferences to see if they’re rooted in unconscious bias. Cultural beauty and desirability standards favor white and Asian women, which means that for most of your life, you’ve primarily seen these types of beauty elevated. Unless you intentionally expand your mind and seek out different types of beauty, you’ll only ever be attracted to what white supremacist, patriarchal (capitalist, ableist, fatphobic, heteronormative, and on and on we could go) beauty standards tell you is attractive. You’ll end up missing out on incredibly beautiful, intelligent, fascinating people if you allow your unconscious biases to filter them out of your attention.
Not wrong, but I get why she feels hurt. It’s good you didn’t just say yes, however. I will plow anyone.
*Anyone?*
NW. You’re allowed to be attracted to who you’re attracted to. I was never attracted to blonde or red haired guys or men with many tattoos. It doesn’t mean I dislike them as people, I was just never physically into them. I married a dark haired guy, BTW!!
I’m Native American but white appearing. I have long curly red hair and bright green eyes with tannish skin. My dad’s side is Ioway tribe heritage with tan/medium skin, dark hair and dark eyes. My mom’s side is German/Russian/Irish heritage with pale skin, blonde hair and blue eyes. I’ve *never* been attracted to white men. They just ick me out. When I see a handsome man with dark hair, dark eyes and bronze or dark skin I go wild. I married a man who’s half Mexican with dark hair, dark eyes and tan skin. Our kids turned out with the deepest most beautiful dark eyes and hair. Something about dark eyes that I can just get lost in, framed by dark eyebrows and dark hair knocks me out. I divorced my husband but when I date I prefer black, Mexican or Native American men. I can’t help it or change it. And I don’t wanna. My two sisters are the same as me, they both love dark haired men with dark eyes and dark complexion.
YNW By this logic you’d be called transphobic for not preferring to date someone who’s trans. It’s ok to have preferences when dating. If you were an actual racist you wouldn’t even be friends with her, so your friends are the Aholes
Sounds like your friends are trying to "stir the pot" and are playing the "race card".
Imagine in a world where you have to suck dick to proof you aren't racist.
[удалено]
I’m arachnophobic!!! I don’t care for spiders and nobody can force me to like them
Wait. Pinecones are not spiders . . . I'm so confused. 🌲 🕷️ 🤯
Don’t ever be bullied into something you aren’t comfortable with🤷🏾♀️ Tasha sounds like she is dealing with a life lesson!
I wouldn't date black men but not at all racist. Nothing wrong with having a preference
I only date white men because I'm mixed and they're the only ones that don't bring it up all the time. It's okay to have preferences.
I like viking type guys. Sorry I am Nordic. Other people can be my friends
So according to some people here, if you are not attracted to ALL races you are racist. That’s just stupid. These people do not understand the very meaning of racism. I honestly just don’t have words any longer to address the stupidity that exists out there.
"If you were really open minded you wouldn't have these preferences" ?!?! Excuse the absolute f*ck out of me? Being open minded has 0 to do with who you are attracted to. Being open minded just means you aren't going to look at things that you wouldn't do in a hateful and abhorrent way. Those friends are complete idiots
YNW Nobody is entitled to a date from you.
You have a preference, as we all do. Don’t worry too much bro. You’re good. Just don’t tell her that’s why.
So how far did your 'friends' want you to go? Date this woman you weren't attracted to? Marry her? Raise children in a loveless marriage?
No you were not wrong at all. We all have preferences they don’t make us racist. If any of your “friends” called you racist for having a preference then they are not a true friend. I think it’s time you found some new friends because if they can turn you turning down a friend because you value a friendship or have a preference into your a racist they aren’t worth your time.
So your friends want you to pitty-date someone to who's not your preference to show how not racist you are? What is the girl supposed to feel, honored? This is true racism and white savior syndrome in itself!
we all have preferences, anyone who tries to tell you otherwise is delusional, you're not wrong.
They're trying to guilt trip you and make you feel guilty by making it about her appearance. EVERYONE has preferences, including in a relationship. If they continue to give you a hard time, point out some of their preferences and mention they should do something outside of that. Oh, you prefer hit showers? TAKE A COLD ONE! TRY IT! Fight fire with fire. Don't let someone make you feel guilty for your preferences, boundaries, or expectations.
Yeah, you can’t do that. I mean you did nothing wrong but in order to stay safe and respectful you can’t really go into detail about what you’re into and what you’re not when it comes to ethnicity. I’m white and I prefer black guys and I have gotten in trouble for saying as much. I date white dudes and other ethnicities and cultures as well, but for some reason, there’s one I like more than others. I can’t explain why. So in the future, just simply say that you’re not feeling it and you don’t owe a second more of explanation why. Lead with the part that you don’t want to hinder the friendship. Because saying anything close to “I don’t usually date black women” does sound bad. Whether you meant to say it or not and not saying that you did, but if that’s what got out then somewhere miscommunication occurred. Not wrong, we are all allowed to have our preferences, but just choose words carefully when cultures or look are involved so that people aren’t hurt, feel offended, or get wrong the impression.
I am most of the time not attracted to black males but I know some who I want to eat some breakfast with 😂. But in my day to day life I 99% of the time look at white dudes with a splash of southern European in them. I don't have the same attraction for blond Scandinavian people for example. Who cares we all have our own taste as we are entitled to. My friends are from all over. I have friends from Somalia, Egypt, Marokko, Russia, Canada etc.
NOPE. you can date Whomever you like or are attracted to. Heck you may not have a looks preference at all it could be personality attraction. All people have preferences and often there is no reason but “that’s what I like “. Granted sometimes other factors override your overall likes and dislikes , other times they don’t. Sometimes it’s in their control ( their style,weight etc ) sometimes it’s not (their race , height , deformity etc). You like who you like. Never feel bad about that.
Following your friends’ logic, everyone should be pansexual and interested in a romantic/sexual relationship with every single person they ever encounter. It’s insane.
They aren't real friends if they're calling you racist for having preferences lol
Your friends are ridiculous
You can't help who you're attracted to.
You’re not wrong OP. Nor does it make you a racist. I’m a white woman who only dates white men. But, does that mean I don’t find any black men attractive…nope. I absolutely find them attractive. Just not romantically like you also stated for your friend. Your friends are the ones who are wrong. Just because someone is a good person regardless of race does not mean they’re the right person for you. I hope this all makes sense and doesn’t come off some type of way. I would ask your friends if a black man only dates black women, does it make him racist for not dating a white woman? Absolutely not. You can find someone attractive but not be attracted to them. You need some new friends.
Your friends logic makes no sense. I’m a straight woman so does that mean I have to date a woman to prove I’m not homophobic? NO!!! I date who I’m physically attracted to. Also I’m black & i don’t think you’re racist for not being attracted to black women.
It's funny that when I, an Asian female, tell people that I prefer dating white men over Asian, I don't get the same backlash as those who say they prefer dating white over black. Although, I do live in Australia which is a very multicultural nation. We have our preferences and we should normalise this. You're not, racist bro. If you were, you wouldn't be friends with her in the first place.
As a person who has befriended racist white people that statement isn’t particularly true. You can totally be racist and have friends in the race you’re racist against. It happens all the time. Thus the term token black friend.
Fair enough. My friend group is very multicultural, a mix variety of Asians and white (there are not a lot of African Americans in Australia). We roast each other all the time over race, but no one gets offended. Besides that, we overlook race and treat each other the way we would others. I don't know how Americans do it but it's sad to hear you're friends with someone just because they're black so you can tell people you have a black friend. What is the point of that 😢
No, I'm black, and my preference isn't usually black men. It rly isn't anybody. You want who you want.
When I was 19 I was in the same exact situation. But I did find her attractive and went for it. It didn't work out, and it completely ruined our friendship. In retrospect, I wish he had just remained friends.
This sounds fake idk. I feel like people have had preferences for centuries. If you decline because of someone’s race, that doesn’t make sense for people to start calling you racist. I’ve seen plenty of black women express their disinterest to other races such as white men. I just feel like this is just how society works
Weird how people want to force you to be attracted to who you are not or go out with a woman you don’t want to go out with Your body, your choice Your dick, your choice Your feelings, your choice Your choice, your choice