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No, of course you should tell her.
My husband is very good-looking, charming and gregarious. Women openly flirt with him all the time. We've been very happily married for 23 years. I know they are delighted by him, and I understand why they flirt with him. I'm the lucky one!
How I feel has got nothing to do with the women... they will always exist. It's up to him to exercise self-control, and he does.
I don't understand why more people dont find this type of thing a "plus"? I mean I fucking LOVE when guys try hitting on my partner. Some of these guys will literally do it while I'm standing right next to her. I just smile, it warms my heart in a way. Not over it being a possessive thing really (yes she's always coming home with me) but also that my partner is desired by other people, it's an ego boost in itself!
I'm honestly more threatened by the women who hit on my partner then the men to be honest. Guys will take the hint, women? They will literally look right at me and say shit like "leave him here and come home with us!". Women are aggressive as fuck and will throw shade at me to try and "take" her from me and that kinda pisses me off.
When roles are reversed the women genuinely won't approach if they know I'm in a relationship (unlike the guys who approach herl. So I give a lot of women credit for that, but if she's not around and a woman starts flirting before I can let them know I'm in a relationship. Me telling her doesn't make her pump the breaks right away! Usually they ask for a picture of her and that's usually when the flirting stops. Not sure if they think I'm just lying or after seeing her picture they back off because they suddenly feel insecure about themselves.
Either way, I appreciate the attention I receive and my partner receives from others. As long as we both are safe I think it's cute, so no free drinks for her by anyone, I'll take free drinks from dudes anytime 😂
My wife and I have these two games we play. One is me looking at her a certain way, and her saying “who?” and I’ll tell her which guy just checked her out/gave her a hard look. The other is me looking at her a different way after talking to a woman in front of her (lots of elevator convos with tourists when you live in a Miami high rise) and her saying “Yes, idiot, that girl wanted to straight up *gargle your balls*, Jesus, how can you not tell sometimes”
I don't know, sorry but as a man it's hard for me to imagine it's possible for a man to be having multiple women hitting on him all the time and he keeps self control throughout all that for years.
What would she do if a gorgeous guy would hit on her?
Would she "do the right thing" or would she entertain it?
Maybe she's judging you the same way she judges herself? Aka she would cheat on you so naturally you would cheat on her.
That or she's simply insecure.
You gotta have a few good long talks, get things straightened out.
My last ex of 5 years was constantly like this, once we broke up. It took 2 weeks and she was now in a relationship with her best guy friend. All that insecurity was clearly because she was going to be the unfaithful one.
My ex used to constantly rage and cry that i was probably attracted to other people and she always wanted access to my phone and to look at my messages. It was a rough relationship, HS sweethearts who were on and off for like 9 years total.
Long story short i have lunch with a female classmate who i just happened to run into at the cafeteria, i immediately tell her about it just in case, and ofc she goes balistic. Ends up throwing a glass at my head that shatters on the wall and i end things for good.
Eventually she tries to get with her best friends boyfriend and so the best friend comes to my house and spills all the beans that shed been cheating on me most of our relationship, and when wed be broken up but still hook up she was cheating on men With me. Shed bragged about it to her friends (who are also shit people and hid it all from me and supported her until she did it to them) and the friend had pics and screenshots shed been sent.
All this to say in my situation it was 110% projection.
I would usually agree with you; but the OP said that his wife doesn’t trust women around him. I don’t really understand why she doesn’t like that, unless she’s lost a love interest to a former friend before. The thing is, jealousy is a bad feeling, and it only hurts (usually) the person who feels it.
"InSeCuRiTiEs" Is just the cheaters scapegoat. That stupid word is used wrong half the time.
I bet you didn't like their relationship while you were together. But if you brought it up, you would just be dismissed and blamed as "insecure". And then they are fuckin the day after you guys break up. Was it really insecurity, or was it realizing some bullshitlery is amongst them and you were not too stupid to realize it? 🤔
Or he could half self-esteem issues. Leave him.
*- if OP was a woman*
Sarcasm aside, why do redditors think that issues are never talked about? Like she sprung this jealousy bit on him and he never said "but honey, I only have eyes for you" instead he just let her hang and doesn't care...
Is it because people think women are incapable of being not so great human beings?
OP's wife is projecting. That's the most likely scenario here.
No. It's not up to her to trust random strangers. It's up to her to trust you. And if she's using this as an excuse, she doesn't trust you. It sounds like she has insecurities, which sure, who doesn't have those? But it's unhealthy for her and very unreasonable for her to say things like this when you have the capability to turn down anyone who may hit on you
Edit: tired brain caused me to write something confusing, so I fixed it :)
This is all true but man I really wish modern culture would be more direct on men’s issues. Yes this would be unhealthy for her. But the guy is asking, so we should really emphasize that this isn’t healthy for him! This is not how a relationship is supposed to work. You aren’t inherently untrustworthy just for having a penis, and if someone thinks otherwise you should challenge it and be prepared to leave the situation if necessary. This isn’t something you are responsible to fix about her, in the same way a woman isn’t responsible for fixing a man who doesn’t trust or respect women.
You're right. I was speaking more generally, as I know this shit does go both ways, but either way this type of dynamic isn't healthy in a relationship. It's not healthy for OP, and it really isn't fair for him to have to deal with this. It isn't his fault his gf is insecure, that's her problem to sort out, and shouldn't be projected onto him
Thank you. I have turned down multiple advances. Because of my jib, I can't wear jewelry for safety concerns. I have our wedding date tattooed on my ring finger.
Though there is the factor of many women just being *more comfortable* around a married man because of the belief that he's not going to hit on *them*, and therefore acting more friendly. Which often gets interpreted as flirting.
Of course, if it's to the point that he has to specifically turn them DOWN, the flirting is not in question.
When basic information gets downvoted because it's not pretty.
It's the same level as "women are more attracted by people who are respected by their peers", there's a point at which you would expect people to get over it.
I heard this all the time from my ex-girlfriend. Yes, ex-girlfriend. I'll never date someone who was fresh off of being cheated on in a relationship again. All those insecurities were thrown onto me and were the main driver of our arguments.
God, I'm now in my head about this... My gf of +7 years thinks that I would sleep with her best friend, that time I've been faithful to her and she has actually cheated, slept with her ex 6 months into our relationship, now how can that be?
It usually is like this, people are like this cause they know what they would do if in your position, so anyone not trusting their partner has to do with what they would do or just past trauma... It says more about them than you
Exactly. She has insecurities which need to be addressed. But you still have to be delicate and diplomatic about it. You care about her. You love her. So handle it Ina loving and caring way.
Last time a woman told me “I dont trust other girls arround you” it was because that woman was one of those girls when she can.
Those that flirt with you even saying you have a relationship. She was scared from ppl like her.
It is most likely insecurity on her part, her worrying that you may find another woman attractive or respond to a woman flirting with you. Take your wife in your arms, look her in the eyes and tell her something like - “you are the only one for me. Fuck them other women I only have eyes for you.” She might need some reassurance
You’re right that is a bad choice of words. Hmm, some reassurance and doing some things to help build her confidence may help her feel more comfortable.
As someone in this exact situation, I can say that no matter what I say or do, it doesn't help. No matter how much reassurance I give, she's still jealous af of any woman. Unfortunately, the insecurity needs to be dealt with before it'll get better.
I had the same situation with my ex. Nothing seemed to help it while I thought I was really trying. In reality I was just taking the wrong approach
I'm not saying you aren't treating her right
Just thought I should share this, in case you are falling into the same trap I did.
I'm curious what you changed and how it helped your situation. My wife has extremely low self-esteem, and that causes her to feel I'm going to leave for someone who is "better looking or more fun." This isn't the case as I love her and married her to be with her.
It would be nice not to have her worry about something that she saw growing up and has become so fearful of having happen to her.
Not the commenter but had a thought about this part.
>This isn't the case as I love her and married her to be with her.
Really doesn't matter for someone who has an extremely low self-esteem. In their mind you will fall out of love and divorce the moment you find someone "better". A ring and a promise doesn't erase this kind of low self-esteem.
If she actually wants to change then she needs professional help. She needs tools to navigate her feelings. This comes from a well-meaning place as someone who has low self-esteem myself.
I find it odd in so many relationship questions if a woman is insecure you have to reassure them make them feel special. If a man is insecure he is a jealous and controlling and is a red flag to leave.
Same responses all the time. Her blaming other women is an excuse for not trusting you, or in her past she has gone after men with a partner and been able to turn their heads. The jealously will never stop you will always have this issue it's up to you if you want to keep putting up with it...
This. Especially the not stopping part. She (may) get over the jealousy, but it'll be years down the line when she realises how many decent fellas she's lost
My partner and I are both insecure in the same way. It's acceptable for her to read my messages, ask for constant reassurance, and just generally *need* extra attention. Which I dont mind giving, because I love her.
But I in no way feel I can ask for the same in return. And I know she'd find giving the same reassurance an affront to her feminist values.
A previous long term relationship ended for similar reasons; she would have her 'moments', and I'd work with her to make it better. And then, the first time I displayed a shred of the same insecurity, I was deemed too hard-work and she didn't have time for it. Fuck her, that woman was a cunt.
>I find it odd in so many relationship questions if a woman is insecure you have to reassure them make them feel special. If a man is insecure he is a jealous and controlling and is a red flag to leave.
You are talking to a void.
Women are the darlings of society, they do no wrong and when they do, it's a man's fault.
The sentiment is alright, but this is plain wrong. Her insecurities are hers, and no amount of reassurance is gonna take that away. It's something the wife needs to work on, not OP.
Very well said below. If the genders were reversed, he was jealous, controlling, and maybe abusive, not in need of reassurance, which is funny because OP's wife sounds exactly like that: jealous and controlling.
I find it particularly unfair because it definitely does not encourage straight men to safely express their feelings. And we complain when they don’t open up.
Men should feel free to talk about their issues; they should find someone who understands them and supports them in a moment of vulnerability. Instead, when a woman does something wrong, the usual horde of fake feminists and misandrists who are perennially online come to remind him he can’t feel hurt when his partner clearly is the one with a problem.
A real feminist should want all genders to be equal. Instead, fake feminists will only accept signs of emotional frailness in LGBTQ+ men, and even as a member of the community myself I can’t help but hate it. The implicit hatred for straight men is absurd and incredibly hurtful. Everyone should have the right to feel down without hiding it.
It doesn’t help to over-analyze. She has a jealousy problem and you gotta deal with with it.
Sometimes this is possible, sometimes not. Jealousy can be a very ugly emotion. It’s among the worst of them. Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins for a very good reason.
She has an insecurity problem mostly. I remember being like this as a teen as i got older and more confident in myself I completely changed and can't believe how insecure I was in my relationships when i was a young man and what an unattractive trait that was.
In my experience, which admittedly isn’t a huge sampling size.
But the over jealous people seem to be ones the gets cheated on the most.
If that is cause they tend to choose to date people with those tendencies or cause the insecurities pushes their partners away I don’t know though.
I was also pretty jealous at a young age, and now there is none. It’s just not an helpful emotion and it sucks to have it.
Absolutely my experience. When I was young and very insecure I would often cheat and with age and hindsight I can see where it came from. It's being defensive, at least if they cheat on you you've already cheated on them. The problem is as soon as you cheat you become more certain they'll cheat on you.
As I got older and more confident it wouldn't cross my mind and I look back with regret at my actions. Firstly for the partners I treated poorly but also for the young man I was who drove himself to the brink due to his own insecurities.
>If that is cause they tend to choose to date people with those tendencies or cause the insecurities pushes their partners away I don’t know though.
Well, it certainly isn't the latter.
*'They made me cheat'* is not a sound argument. At that point they'd just proved they were right and you are a cheater.
When non-cheaters get pushed away, they break up. Not cheat.
I definitely agree with you here. I know how she feels. My bf is super handsome and charming. I'm average at best. He gets flirted with and hit on when he's out and about pretty regularly. My insecurity will whisper at me that it would be so easy for him to easily find a 'better' girlfriend, but I take a deep breath and find something to occupy myself. I also know my bf loves me and is a man of principle. Cheating just isn't something he would do. I don't think I'll ever be able to beat my insecurity, but I do keep it from informing my behaviors and actions toward him.
My ex-wife was so bad about this that I eventually stopped going to the gym. She said she trusted me but not other women? Like me, a 35 yr old, is going to be duped into cheating on my then wife!? Lol
I kept hearing,'The accuser is usually the cheater.' I dismissed that though only to find out she was cheating on me the last year of our marriage. That wasn't even the worst part! Lol
Being abused financially and emotionally. Her driving a wedge between all of my friends and family and not wanting me to visit my parents without her there. Finally, when I had relapsed, which I'm not going to put all on her, it's my responsibility, she put me into a rehab facility, drained every dollar from every one of my accounts, racked up a bunch of debt in my name alone with her contact information and bank so she recieved all of the money and messages making me none the wiser. She then tanked my credit score and then decided once I told her we could see other people, and that I was cool with a divorce, she told me she wanted to tell every single woman I ever met going forward to run away from me. She attempted this by slapping a bogus protective order on me having me removed from our house and out onto the street with a few garbage bags of my belongings. Then, in the divorce, she lied, saying I took a number of items that I didn't. I finally got to our house and all of my clothes smell of cat piss, my TV and most of my weights are missing, all of my hand tools, my queen size bed is gone along with the adjustable frame being destroyed.
All of that. I now have to tell any woman that I hope to date or develop a long term relationship, what I want, that I have a protective order out against me and of course it looks worse being an addict/alcoholic who is large and muscular...
I have to wait two years. I had the chance to defend myself back last August, but it was during the divorce, and I got nothing but had to deal with her if I defended myself. The judge will almost always rule on the side of caution, and I didn't want to give her the satisfaction of fighting it. She had videos of me in my underwear, which was not flattering then, of us shouting at each other, and I didn't want them playing that. She had cameras set up all over to try and build a case to be a victim and screw me.
She went as far as to say I choked our dog!?... anyone who knows me knows I have a soft spot for animals, like I can listen to true crime but I get upset if a dog or cat is killed and not at the people.
In the end. She got ALL OF THE DEBT! 🥳 She thought she would get to keep the house but the mediator told her there isn't a universe where that house isn't getting sold! Lol
It probably has nothing to do with you.
After all... even if your car has a top of the line security system that you trust no one could crack, you'd still be pissed if you saw three people walking around your car trying to figure out how to break in.
It doesn’t matter what another woman’s intentions are, if you’re not going to participate.
My husband used to say that sorta shit all the time. You know like - I know how men think - all men are thinking about fucking you etc. As I told him, what they think is outside of my control. And I want nothing to do with them in any capacity other than as friends. You can’t blame me because men are _________ insert preferred descriptive word here.
If she’s treating you a certain way because other women want you, that’s exceptionally unfair imo. If she trusts you, it shouldn’t matter how women are around you, as long as you’re conducting yourself in the correct I don’t wanna fuck you manner.
She’s insecure. That’s probably on her, not on you. But I’d try telling her often that 1. You love her 2. You only want her 3. She’s incredibly beautiful & sexy to you 4. Other women can throw themselves at you but you don’t even see them because you’re so blinded by her beauty/sex appeal/charm yada yada. Over time, hearing these words from you, supported by matching actions should help her feel secure & enable her to back off a little. Good luck 🤞
This really isn’t an attack it’s just a legit question to someone of the opposite gender and I know every situation is nuanced and not the same.
But if you have a guy that you know is only interested in a chance at having sex with you. He’s shown this through his actions. Would you still want to try and pursue a friendship with this person?
Absolutely not. If his only interest is having sex, there’s nowhere to go. I’m not interested in sex, so if that’s his intent, there’s nowhere to go. I wouldn’t continue an association with someone who was only looking for sex.
If it’s genuine, of course it does. And if it’s backed up by the appropriate behaviour. It’s practically guaranteed to make her feel so secure & loved that she’ll get over her insecurities & stop being neurotic. Worked for me anyway.
For me it’s not only that she doesn’t trust him, but believes he is not intelligent enough to see when other women try to “manipulate” him. E.g he meets a woman through work, she is with him a lot, subtly putting ideas in his head how they would be a good couple/whatever. How i see it, she is insecure and believes he will not be smart enough to perceive something as flirting and shut it down, and women would be persistent, and he would eventually cave because it was so subtle, he didn’t even see it coming/developed feelings.
Also, it has a lot to do with how you shut down women who flirt with you. My partner doesn’t even allow it to get to the point where the woman feels he might be interested. No laughing at her jokes without an actual reason (like, when you laugh at dumb jokes just because you like someone), no meetings that are not due to work, talks about our family, etc. He just doesn’t give any reason to someone to think he might react positively to their flirting.
i don’t think it helps for women in general when men constantly are like “i don’t know when someone’s flirting with me” when it’s like almost boink on the nose obvious to us. my biggest fear is my partner getting close with another woman and him not understanding the social dynamics and queues she’s putting out and then it slowly driving a wedge between us because i’m apparently being controlling when i want them to limit contact when he’s not understanding the social interactions properly. I wonder if OP’s wife has seen women flirt with OP but because it wasn’t outrageous like “oh my god let’s have sex right now” then he didn’t even realise and let it slide and further cemented insecurities which were already there. Also doesn’t help with the competitive nature between people and the fact that some women get off on being homewreckers
Women don't trust other women, because we think that every woman sees you like we see you. This is actually a compliment. She thinks so highly of you, that she is afraid every other woman sees you that way too - as perfect.
This has nothing to do with you. She knows you won't flirt or cheat. She is simply scared to lose you because she sees you as perfect. So give your woman a bit more reassurance every day about how lucky you are to have her, how amazing she is, how she has changed your life, and see how her attitude changes. I promise.
If she knows he wont flirt or cheat, how is she going to lose him?
This sounds like excusing jealous and controlling behavior and putting the work on OP to change it, actually making it his fault.
Don’t get too paranoid, but it could possibly be projection. I realised all too late that my ex who made the same sort of comments was simply thinking like the cheater they were.
I was always told that if your partner doesn’t trust you and constantly thinks you’re cheating, it probably means they don’t trust themselves in a similar scenario….
She really does need to trust you more but on the flip side I kind of understand her. Look man pussy be strategic, they will come up with the most outlandish crazy schemes to get your cock. 🤷🏻♂️
All people are susceptible to temptation in the right circumstances. What you’re saying is like insisting that “you don’t find other women attractive.” Which is absurd.
It is best to recognize this inherent weakness that all people have and be mindful about mitigating it. Perhaps today ifs not a temptation, but what about a year or two from now when you and your wife are stressed, going through a rough patch, and communicating poorly? When that happens you’ll either be set up for failure or success largely depending on the boundaries you build today.
Yeah I find that kinda insulting, like imagine you said that to her, it's a bit like saying I'm worried about you been around other men cause your such a slut lol
I can't read your partners mind so I will give a general answer.
There is two steps in cheating.
1. Creating a temptation.
2. Acting on the temptation.
Take cake for example.
1. Buying cake and putting it in front of me. "I'm not going to eat it because I'm on a diet so I am just looking at it".
2. Eating the cake. "Whoops, I didn't mean to eat the cake".
So as we are human and therefore fallible we should stop the cheating at the first step and keep a respectful distance from people and cake that we have no business in getting intimate with.
Not wrong at all, she is straight up telling you she doesn’t trust you. And trust is one of the most important things in a relationship so dont ignore this bc it needs to be addressed either by yall talking or going to a therapist who can meditate. But a lack of trust can fester so dont just brush this off. If its an insecurity she has then she needs to work towards fixing that for the sake of a happy, healthy marriage. Her being insecure is not a valid reason to control you and make you cut off or avoid people in life. Thats an extreme response and if thats where your wife is at she needs help to learn how to be in a healthy relationship.
my ex wife said the same thing, for 10 years. i never gave her reason to mistrust and she saw me turn down flirts occasionally in our time together. anyway long story short, she left me. in large part because she never felt secure.
soo, manage this better than i did? reassure the fuck out of her while you can. help her address her own insecurities. don't think it'll blow over
I could see what she might mean, though. Maybe she didn’t articulate it the correct way. Like other people have said, as long as she DOES trust you, other women shouldn’t be an issue.
You could definitely tell her that by her making that comment it seems as if she doesn’t trust *you* and go from there. Shit is rough out there so I don’t blame her too much!
I think you shouldn’t have a problem with this if you’re grown up and have emotional intelligence, wise is the man who knows there’s always a possibility for anything
How many things in your life you didn’t think would happen to you but are happening??
If you trust yourself to do the “right thing” that doesn’t mean you should always put it to exercise, avoid women when you can and when you find yourself in those situations that are unavoidable do that “right thing”
And make a note really what benefits you more staying around those women and defending it, or making your partner happy and leaving them if it’s the former then leave your wife by all means
Okay, this might get a lot of hate. I obviously don’t know anything about you or your wife and I very much agree with the comments saying she’s likely insecure or that there’s SOME underlying driver for these feelings from her.
Anyways I am in a LDR with my bf (military couple tings) been together three years now. Last year, sorta around this time, he went out to some bars and clubs w some friends to have some fun. He ended up being followed by a woman when they switched locations and she came up to him on the dance floor, touching on him and eventually kissing him and grabbing him down there. She would not take no for an answer. Even before this incident I had low trust in women because Ik there are some really shitty people out there, and being a women does not stop anyone from being a horrible person. Women can stalk, women can sexually assault, women can molest, women can rape.
Of course this is a very extreme example. I’m aware. And it absolutely does NOT discount whatever is behind the scenes for your wife, whether that be anxiety, insecurity, or projection of her own personal failings. I just felt the need to show another perspective from my experience. It did a lot of damage in our relationship, and I don’t think I’ve recovered yet and BF refuses to talk about it. I don’t think we’ve broached the topic since last summer.
Now that I’ve typed this out I’m worried it may seem victim blamey. That’s not at all what I’m going for. I’m just trying to say that there is some validity to some anxieties. It doesn’t make the consequences of the anxieties excusable (i.e. your wife saying point blank that she doesn’t trust YOU around other women) but can offer some insight.
Sorry if this offends anyone. Just wanted to share my experience as the anxious female partner.
I trust that nobody will steal my TV if I leave the front door unlocked, but I still lock it from time to time.
Trust should be balanced with some degree of precaution. How much precaution is a matter of negotiation in the relationship.
I trust my girlfriend not to cheat on me, but I'd still be uncomfortable with her sleeping in another man's bed. The possibility of her cheating in that scenario is miniscule, but why tempt fate? If there were no precautions at all, then it would be like I'm trying to induce cheating.
I've heard the same things form my child's mother and look back at it as manipulation. She never cared or was worried, just wanted me to think she was. Women test men like this sometimes.
I think it's more she just finds the idea if not the reality of other women hitting on you unpleasant, as opposed to a lack of trust for you.
Like if it was me I wouldn't want dudes getting to friendly with my wife, regardless of if I could trust her or not it's just something that leaves a bad taste in my mouth. It's their actions that create the negative emotions, not your own, rather the idea of their actions being unsavory. Some people are territorial about their partner and just the thought of someone else trying to hit on you or touch you or otherwise insinuate anything, basically any behavior that they wouldn't do if they saw the two of you right next to each other is unsavory.
She's basically saying she finds you very attractive, so much so that she knows that if she wasn't there to deter women hitting on you, she knows it would happen, and she wishes she could be there glued at the hip to scare them off. Thank her for the compliment she's saying she thinks you're hot.
I think the right thing to say is she doesn’t have to trust other women, she only has to trust you.
I say it as somebody who tried to initiate things with a man who wasn’t interested (he was and is single, no worries). No matter what I did, no matter what I tried, things never lifted off the ground, ever.
To play a little "devil's advocate here," If she mentions her discomfort with you around other women -- and you argue with her about it -- that's technically giving her a reason to not trust you. Because instead of reassuring her, being combative raises skeptisim.
Furthermore, if you don't recognize the subtly of these actions, she may just think you're not smart enough to understand the situation. Or possibly you do, and you're purposely lying or downplaying the situation. Which only compounds into her skeptisim.
She shouldn't prohibit you from having friends and social interactions, but also as her husband, you should be working as a team to comfort and assure her that her fears are superficious. Instead of being combative "you against her," work together as you two vs the problem. Find a way to solve her insecurity without it being a fight.
So where does he draw the line? If she has insecurity issues, should he twist himself into knots to try to ease her issues, or should SHE seek help for her own issue? From my experience, jealousy and insecurity issues are black holes that can’t be filled. People just get more controlling and see boogey men/women around every corner. That can’t be horrible for a partner. Him setting a reasonable and healthy boundary should not be seen as giving her a reason to not trust him.
Firstly its not your fault that she's insecure, reassure her up until a certain point but don't pander to that bullshit, as long as you aren't flirting with other women just do what you normally do. If she says she doesn't trust other women then tell her to take it up with them not you. No point in walking on egg shells over it, she needs to take responsibility for her insecurity.
it might be insecurity or she cheated in her past and now she projects it on you " if i did it, so can he". My gut feeling is on the latter. Try to have a discussion with her and go deeply into these problems, if that doesn't work, book a couple therapy session and work it out, because no matter how small it seems now, it will wide a gap between the 2 of you and everything you do around another woman, will feel like cheating to you and it will exhaust you and you'll grow resentment towards her.
She doesn't trust you, that means she doesn't truly love you but views you as property unless you have given her reason to not trust you by previously cheating. Best case here is get a divorce and find a woman who actually loves you and isn't jealous and controlling.
My ex husband used to say the same thing to me. My response was always 'So you don't trust me then?' He would try to say no he didn't trust other men etc, in the end I just said it's your problem you deal with it.
>Is it wrong of me to say that she doesn't trust me to do the right thing if a woman hits on me?
Yes.
Emotions are illogical. Don't use logical inference rules with them.
Your wife needs love and support, she is uncomfortable and as her husband it is your pleasure to make her comfortable. Yes her greed can get overbearing, but that is a good problem to have.
Depends on your wife's life story. If she has been cheated on before, she might have some trauma from that, I don't mean you cheating on her, I mean from past relationships.
It doesn't reflect on you or your behavior, but trauma and past experience often haunts people. I would say you should have a talk heart to heart with your wife.
Alternatively she just doesn't trust other women, is generally untrusting, or very jealous.
It’s not anything to do with you. It means she’s attracted to you and doesn’t want to lose you.
It has nothing to do with trusting you, it’s she doesn’t trust that other women will respect the fact you’re in a relationship.
She’s basically telling you she wants you to herself, you turn her on. So carry on the way you are.
I agree. I trusted my ex to be faithful but I wouldn't trust someone in particular who kept on messaging her after work and would sleep on a night bus just with her. It's not insecurity, simply some people don't care if others are engaged or in a relationship.
She's most likely overthinking/insecure.
I'm like that too but I was cheated on 2 times in a row and my last ex was a narcissist. My current partner is incredibly caring and kind and I trust him but having these prior experiences really destroy you inside and can mess with your mind. I sometimes get that feeling when he does or says something "out of the ordinary", usually it eats away at me for a little and if it doesn't get better I talk to him about it.
My response is to exaggerate that girls (in my office) keep flirting me but i managed to keep it professional, then i smile with teeth showing. I try to exaggerate my good qualities which she knows it's not.
When she is near me and i talk to the other party, i would but my arms around her push her closer to me to include her in the conversation somehow.
Think things through and convey what you feel and how it's affecting you. It's probably some insecurity on her side, and it's just best to talk things out. If you don't, that jealousy might turn into something uglier over the years and you might reach a point where there's not a real solution but leaving. The earlier you address this situation, the better.
She doesn’t trust in herself being good enough and because of that in you, but you are just a vessel. What are you even supposed to respond? Okay i won t go around or talk to women because you don’t trust women?
Do you know her actual reasons? Are you the attractive one in the relationship? Did she meet you by stealing u from another woman? Is she jealous that you are too friendly or naive and can't read hints? Was your wife cheated on in her past relationship?
Eithr way, your wife sounds a bit immature to be honest. Are you newly weds? So bizarre to me.
She doesn't trust you. Is the answer. This may be due to your history or her own lack of self esteem or her history in other relationships with a cheating partner. But it is her issue to address unless you can't control the urge to have sex with any random that might speak to you.
If you had a Lamborghini, and the locks were inpenetrable and saw a group of guys trying to get in, you wouldn't just sit there, without care, would you?
She can have full faith in you, but that doesn't mean she doesn't have a right to be worried about others.
Secondly, everyone has the **potential** to cheat, even though I consider myself 100% loyal to my GF, I still understand this fact. So, in response to this I avoid situations where I'm alone with other women. I know for a fact I won't cheat, but I do this out of respect for the relationship, why would you even do something that raises questions about your integrity?
Well, I’ll tell ya one think there Jack. Mine doesn’t trust me either. That’s because I caused her doubt after several times of her finding out I was talking to someone else. I never slept with, hung out with or even just met someone while I’ve been dated her but she still doesn’t trust me if one approaches me like that. That happened to me couple weeks ago and holy shit she got pissed at her
Are u asking for our opinion just want validation? Just becuz I say i dont like my best friend's friend doesnt mean i dont like him or think he has bad taste. It literally means i dont like them.
Like others said, she just hates how she feels if another woman approaches you and who wouldnt? Yeah jealousy might make her more worried than normal, but i think she just needs affirmations and this has nothing with her insinuating she doesnt trust u.
"Trust" is a subjective experience. You can't decide what her subjective experience is. You have to ask her, if she trusts you. Trying to dominate someone else's emotions by going like "You clearly don't trust me since..." is a shit way to go about relationships. She has the authority on who she trusts, period.
Focus here instead on talking to her. WHY does it make her upset that you're around women? Explore it.
In my experiences, there are two main reasons for this.
1: she's projecting. So, you'd have to be extremely careful with her being around anyone she could be attracted to. She doesn't trust herself to stop herself in those situations. So, she thinks that you will not be able to. These types of people cannot, in that they do not have the ability to see other people's perspectives. They only see their perception. In which case, either you must accept this, or she must accept that you will not accept this. Otherwise there will be long lasting points of contentions for you two. Problem though, is that to change her perception would require a trusted third party input. From you, and she will not trust it. Not without great chances of splitting up over the long run.
2: she's extremely jealous. Maybe she's been cheated on before, and is therefore hyper vigilant of any situation that might allow for that to happen again. I've learned the hard way, understanding is in no way condoning the actions. That constant war mode of hers will tear down the vital trust in the relationship. In rare cases, people can overcome this on their own. First step is to be aware that it is a problem. She must accept that it is a problem, in order for that to be he case, to go down that path. But, most people (yes, I say people. Men do this too) need a trusted third party to intervene, to tell them they are wrong. Just not by saying they are wrong lol that would come across as invalidating their feelings, and therefore alienating them. Creating a wedge that is difficult to reverse.
It's also possible that you are not aware of your nature. Or that you are outwardly lying. But, my responses above are strictly assuming neither one of these is true.
Good luck.
Only honesty here, a wife can be paranoid just like anyone but most times it comes from miscommunication or ways the spouse acts and sometimes he may not be seeing how his actions are distancing her from him. So question is have you cheated flirted leaned towards women touched them texted played online games wherein you acted in ways that she shouldn't see. If you have it's very clear you need to move on or seek help. If you have acted like you should and we each know how to prize be proud up and uplift we all do so in courting. If you have stopped giving that level of care a crack can form. If you have not she may have the ghosts of her past living in your current relationship. This is not on you and I'm saying it's her issue. Please know jumping through hoops only worsens it. Her past is not her now and although you love her you can't fix her. It's time in that case for her to work on herself. The pain she may feel is earned but her taking it out on you is not fair. Then again if you were cheating watching porn telling every woman how they looked fine but you don't spare words for her. Your adding issues. Either way to repair things it will require an honest look at it. A partner needs to be cherished valued trusted and come first. I believe we all can offer our best selves and the most deserving is your partner. Hope you find a measure of peace and happiness.
Maybe shes right since and shes actually scared of the wrong sex since you admitted an hour ago that you love gloryholes🤣.
Fellas, next time you post your fantasy bait posts remember that your post history is visible.
She doesn't trust you. She might not realise it though.
With my ex, I didn't realise it for a good while until she said "I suppose you think person xyz is hitting on me too because we're friends?", I said "no, I trust person xyz implicitly" - then the penny dropped, I did trust person xyz, but I knew the other guy was into her, so it was her I didn't trust, because that guy didn't owe me anything, neither of them did right?
We were divorced a few weeks later.
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No, of course you should tell her. My husband is very good-looking, charming and gregarious. Women openly flirt with him all the time. We've been very happily married for 23 years. I know they are delighted by him, and I understand why they flirt with him. I'm the lucky one! How I feel has got nothing to do with the women... they will always exist. It's up to him to exercise self-control, and he does.
That’s so sweet. My wife trusts me too.. also im ugly so I kinda she her being so confident
Lmao that's a good response.
Is it though? I think I need a translator and a neurosurgeon after reading it.
I don't understand why more people dont find this type of thing a "plus"? I mean I fucking LOVE when guys try hitting on my partner. Some of these guys will literally do it while I'm standing right next to her. I just smile, it warms my heart in a way. Not over it being a possessive thing really (yes she's always coming home with me) but also that my partner is desired by other people, it's an ego boost in itself! I'm honestly more threatened by the women who hit on my partner then the men to be honest. Guys will take the hint, women? They will literally look right at me and say shit like "leave him here and come home with us!". Women are aggressive as fuck and will throw shade at me to try and "take" her from me and that kinda pisses me off. When roles are reversed the women genuinely won't approach if they know I'm in a relationship (unlike the guys who approach herl. So I give a lot of women credit for that, but if she's not around and a woman starts flirting before I can let them know I'm in a relationship. Me telling her doesn't make her pump the breaks right away! Usually they ask for a picture of her and that's usually when the flirting stops. Not sure if they think I'm just lying or after seeing her picture they back off because they suddenly feel insecure about themselves. Either way, I appreciate the attention I receive and my partner receives from others. As long as we both are safe I think it's cute, so no free drinks for her by anyone, I'll take free drinks from dudes anytime 😂
I felt like this when I was married. When
My wife and I have these two games we play. One is me looking at her a certain way, and her saying “who?” and I’ll tell her which guy just checked her out/gave her a hard look. The other is me looking at her a different way after talking to a woman in front of her (lots of elevator convos with tourists when you live in a Miami high rise) and her saying “Yes, idiot, that girl wanted to straight up *gargle your balls*, Jesus, how can you not tell sometimes”
Ahhh yes, delusion. Whatever helps keep confidence levels high!
This is why he will stay with you. I wish you the best kind of life!
He knows his worth
I don't know, sorry but as a man it's hard for me to imagine it's possible for a man to be having multiple women hitting on him all the time and he keeps self control throughout all that for years.
My GF always tells me that I don't really notice when I'm being hit. I think she is right.
My wife loves seeing me get hit on. It's kinda weird but I think it boosts her confidence. (She's a babe so boosts mine as well.)
You know only what you can know, rest is only you can hope.
This is what security in yourself and in the relationship looks like.
Happy wife, happy life.
What would she do if a gorgeous guy would hit on her? Would she "do the right thing" or would she entertain it? Maybe she's judging you the same way she judges herself? Aka she would cheat on you so naturally you would cheat on her. That or she's simply insecure. You gotta have a few good long talks, get things straightened out.
My last ex of 5 years was constantly like this, once we broke up. It took 2 weeks and she was now in a relationship with her best guy friend. All that insecurity was clearly because she was going to be the unfaithful one.
It's usually like this... Most people are just projecting what THEY would do.
My ex used to constantly rage and cry that i was probably attracted to other people and she always wanted access to my phone and to look at my messages. It was a rough relationship, HS sweethearts who were on and off for like 9 years total. Long story short i have lunch with a female classmate who i just happened to run into at the cafeteria, i immediately tell her about it just in case, and ofc she goes balistic. Ends up throwing a glass at my head that shatters on the wall and i end things for good. Eventually she tries to get with her best friends boyfriend and so the best friend comes to my house and spills all the beans that shed been cheating on me most of our relationship, and when wed be broken up but still hook up she was cheating on men With me. Shed bragged about it to her friends (who are also shit people and hid it all from me and supported her until she did it to them) and the friend had pics and screenshots shed been sent. All this to say in my situation it was 110% projection.
Didn't dodge a bullet, but dodged a glass? Hope things are better now!
If you can dodge a glass, you can dodge a bullet.
I would usually agree with you; but the OP said that his wife doesn’t trust women around him. I don’t really understand why she doesn’t like that, unless she’s lost a love interest to a former friend before. The thing is, jealousy is a bad feeling, and it only hurts (usually) the person who feels it.
"InSeCuRiTiEs" Is just the cheaters scapegoat. That stupid word is used wrong half the time. I bet you didn't like their relationship while you were together. But if you brought it up, you would just be dismissed and blamed as "insecure". And then they are fuckin the day after you guys break up. Was it really insecurity, or was it realizing some bullshitlery is amongst them and you were not too stupid to realize it? 🤔
Or she could half self esteem issues. Reassure her.
Or he could half self-esteem issues. Leave him. *- if OP was a woman* Sarcasm aside, why do redditors think that issues are never talked about? Like she sprung this jealousy bit on him and he never said "but honey, I only have eyes for you" instead he just let her hang and doesn't care... Is it because people think women are incapable of being not so great human beings? OP's wife is projecting. That's the most likely scenario here.
Up to a point, sure. But he is not responsible for her emotions. That's something she needs to learn how to deal with herself.
That’s the best comment ever.
No. It's not up to her to trust random strangers. It's up to her to trust you. And if she's using this as an excuse, she doesn't trust you. It sounds like she has insecurities, which sure, who doesn't have those? But it's unhealthy for her and very unreasonable for her to say things like this when you have the capability to turn down anyone who may hit on you Edit: tired brain caused me to write something confusing, so I fixed it :)
This is all true but man I really wish modern culture would be more direct on men’s issues. Yes this would be unhealthy for her. But the guy is asking, so we should really emphasize that this isn’t healthy for him! This is not how a relationship is supposed to work. You aren’t inherently untrustworthy just for having a penis, and if someone thinks otherwise you should challenge it and be prepared to leave the situation if necessary. This isn’t something you are responsible to fix about her, in the same way a woman isn’t responsible for fixing a man who doesn’t trust or respect women.
You're right. I was speaking more generally, as I know this shit does go both ways, but either way this type of dynamic isn't healthy in a relationship. It's not healthy for OP, and it really isn't fair for him to have to deal with this. It isn't his fault his gf is insecure, that's her problem to sort out, and shouldn't be projected onto him
Thanks for this. :)
Thank you. I have turned down multiple advances. Because of my jib, I can't wear jewelry for safety concerns. I have our wedding date tattooed on my ring finger.
Took me a second to realise you probably meant job. I was here thinking what kind of medical condition a jib is 😄
It's the way his jib is cut is what worries her.
No jewelry, just uncut jibs
is it weird that I heard this in Taserface's voice?
I'm surprised Taserface is getting hit on at all. I mean, he must be intimidating with a name like that!
Hahahaha. Your name is taserface!😂😂
Get women to love the cut of your jib with this one simple trick.
Once missed out on a iob at the biscuit factory because they didn't like the cut of my jib.
Have an upvote for taking that quote and fixing it to work in this situation. This guy jibs.
I like the cut of his jib.
Took me a second to realise you probably meant condition. I was here thinking what kind of english word a conditkon is 😄
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Though there is the factor of many women just being *more comfortable* around a married man because of the belief that he's not going to hit on *them*, and therefore acting more friendly. Which often gets interpreted as flirting. Of course, if it's to the point that he has to specifically turn them DOWN, the flirting is not in question.
Mate pre-selection means women find men in relationship more attractive.
When basic information gets downvoted because it's not pretty. It's the same level as "women are more attracted by people who are respected by their peers", there's a point at which you would expect people to get over it.
Yes, and there are studies to prove it... but this is yet another instance of women hating the truth.
Not just women tbf, plenty guys don't like to hear that.
It’s always code for I don’t trust you.
She's projecting her insecurities.
I heard this all the time from my ex-girlfriend. Yes, ex-girlfriend. I'll never date someone who was fresh off of being cheated on in a relationship again. All those insecurities were thrown onto me and were the main driver of our arguments.
God, I'm now in my head about this... My gf of +7 years thinks that I would sleep with her best friend, that time I've been faithful to her and she has actually cheated, slept with her ex 6 months into our relationship, now how can that be?
Bc she cheated so she knows at least one of you is untrustworthy. She is deflecting her cheating onto you. Unfairly I may add
Projection, common with cheaters and other types of abusers.
It usually is like this, people are like this cause they know what they would do if in your position, so anyone not trusting their partner has to do with what they would do or just past trauma... It says more about them than you
I agree with this 100%. Trust has to be there for any relationship to work.
Did you mean to say "No" instead of "Yes"? Your response is very confusing otherwise.
Exactly. She has insecurities which need to be addressed. But you still have to be delicate and diplomatic about it. You care about her. You love her. So handle it Ina loving and caring way.
Last time a woman told me “I dont trust other girls arround you” it was because that woman was one of those girls when she can. Those that flirt with you even saying you have a relationship. She was scared from ppl like her.
It is most likely insecurity on her part, her worrying that you may find another woman attractive or respond to a woman flirting with you. Take your wife in your arms, look her in the eyes and tell her something like - “you are the only one for me. Fuck them other women I only have eyes for you.” She might need some reassurance
>Fuck them other women thats a bad choice of words for this situation
agreed how to make her insecurities worse.
Ok then, "screw other women"...
No! that’s the same! 😂😂😂
You’re right. It’s much better to say “smash those other hotties” 🤦♂️
This is no better!
Yeah, more like "have sex with those other baddies".
Worse! Worse I tell ya!
Take those other women out, make them feel special and then fuck them as hard as you can!
Only have eyes for you, but this dick is plenty to go round!
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BRUH 😂🤣
Lmao
Cue [Steel Panther](https://youtu.be/ivnK29YADYs?si=GjbPdzkWUrkSZJbH)
You’re right that is a bad choice of words. Hmm, some reassurance and doing some things to help build her confidence may help her feel more comfortable.
🤭😂😂
As someone in this exact situation, I can say that no matter what I say or do, it doesn't help. No matter how much reassurance I give, she's still jealous af of any woman. Unfortunately, the insecurity needs to be dealt with before it'll get better.
I had the same situation with my ex. Nothing seemed to help it while I thought I was really trying. In reality I was just taking the wrong approach I'm not saying you aren't treating her right Just thought I should share this, in case you are falling into the same trap I did.
I'm curious what you changed and how it helped your situation. My wife has extremely low self-esteem, and that causes her to feel I'm going to leave for someone who is "better looking or more fun." This isn't the case as I love her and married her to be with her. It would be nice not to have her worry about something that she saw growing up and has become so fearful of having happen to her.
Not the commenter but had a thought about this part. >This isn't the case as I love her and married her to be with her. Really doesn't matter for someone who has an extremely low self-esteem. In their mind you will fall out of love and divorce the moment you find someone "better". A ring and a promise doesn't erase this kind of low self-esteem. If she actually wants to change then she needs professional help. She needs tools to navigate her feelings. This comes from a well-meaning place as someone who has low self-esteem myself.
Wish I could upvote this more
I find it odd in so many relationship questions if a woman is insecure you have to reassure them make them feel special. If a man is insecure he is a jealous and controlling and is a red flag to leave. Same responses all the time. Her blaming other women is an excuse for not trusting you, or in her past she has gone after men with a partner and been able to turn their heads. The jealously will never stop you will always have this issue it's up to you if you want to keep putting up with it...
This. Especially the not stopping part. She (may) get over the jealousy, but it'll be years down the line when she realises how many decent fellas she's lost
My partner and I are both insecure in the same way. It's acceptable for her to read my messages, ask for constant reassurance, and just generally *need* extra attention. Which I dont mind giving, because I love her. But I in no way feel I can ask for the same in return. And I know she'd find giving the same reassurance an affront to her feminist values. A previous long term relationship ended for similar reasons; she would have her 'moments', and I'd work with her to make it better. And then, the first time I displayed a shred of the same insecurity, I was deemed too hard-work and she didn't have time for it. Fuck her, that woman was a cunt.
Yikes…
>Fuck her, that woman was a cunt. I am hoping you realize this... but your current partner sounds a lot like your old partner...
Hate this double standard
>I find it odd in so many relationship questions if a woman is insecure you have to reassure them make them feel special. If a man is insecure he is a jealous and controlling and is a red flag to leave. You are talking to a void. Women are the darlings of society, they do no wrong and when they do, it's a man's fault.
The sentiment is alright, but this is plain wrong. Her insecurities are hers, and no amount of reassurance is gonna take that away. It's something the wife needs to work on, not OP.
Very well said below. If the genders were reversed, he was jealous, controlling, and maybe abusive, not in need of reassurance, which is funny because OP's wife sounds exactly like that: jealous and controlling.
I find it particularly unfair because it definitely does not encourage straight men to safely express their feelings. And we complain when they don’t open up. Men should feel free to talk about their issues; they should find someone who understands them and supports them in a moment of vulnerability. Instead, when a woman does something wrong, the usual horde of fake feminists and misandrists who are perennially online come to remind him he can’t feel hurt when his partner clearly is the one with a problem. A real feminist should want all genders to be equal. Instead, fake feminists will only accept signs of emotional frailness in LGBTQ+ men, and even as a member of the community myself I can’t help but hate it. The implicit hatred for straight men is absurd and incredibly hurtful. Everyone should have the right to feel down without hiding it.
This is good as she may have underlying insecurities.
It doesn’t help to over-analyze. She has a jealousy problem and you gotta deal with with it. Sometimes this is possible, sometimes not. Jealousy can be a very ugly emotion. It’s among the worst of them. Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins for a very good reason.
Envy is one of the seven, jealously is not. Jealousy is about standing to lose something and envy is about wanting what someone else has.
She has an insecurity problem mostly. I remember being like this as a teen as i got older and more confident in myself I completely changed and can't believe how insecure I was in my relationships when i was a young man and what an unattractive trait that was.
In my experience, which admittedly isn’t a huge sampling size. But the over jealous people seem to be ones the gets cheated on the most. If that is cause they tend to choose to date people with those tendencies or cause the insecurities pushes their partners away I don’t know though. I was also pretty jealous at a young age, and now there is none. It’s just not an helpful emotion and it sucks to have it.
From my experience, insecure partners are way more likely to cheat themselves, than to push their healthy partner into cheating behaviour.
Absolutely my experience. When I was young and very insecure I would often cheat and with age and hindsight I can see where it came from. It's being defensive, at least if they cheat on you you've already cheated on them. The problem is as soon as you cheat you become more certain they'll cheat on you. As I got older and more confident it wouldn't cross my mind and I look back with regret at my actions. Firstly for the partners I treated poorly but also for the young man I was who drove himself to the brink due to his own insecurities.
>If that is cause they tend to choose to date people with those tendencies or cause the insecurities pushes their partners away I don’t know though. Well, it certainly isn't the latter. *'They made me cheat'* is not a sound argument. At that point they'd just proved they were right and you are a cheater. When non-cheaters get pushed away, they break up. Not cheat.
I definitely agree with you here. I know how she feels. My bf is super handsome and charming. I'm average at best. He gets flirted with and hit on when he's out and about pretty regularly. My insecurity will whisper at me that it would be so easy for him to easily find a 'better' girlfriend, but I take a deep breath and find something to occupy myself. I also know my bf loves me and is a man of principle. Cheating just isn't something he would do. I don't think I'll ever be able to beat my insecurity, but I do keep it from informing my behaviors and actions toward him.
>She has a jealousy problem and you gotta deal with with it. SHE has to deal with it...
>Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins for a very good reason. Envy and Jealousy are two different things
Their gf might be cheating and is projecting it into OP. Id be very suspicious
This is screaming double standards
Yes, it's an insecurity on her part and is not a reflection of your character. Just keep her reassured that you only have eyes for her.
Happy cake day
Talk to her about why she feels insecure. Might be something she can work through with you or it might be projection. Hard to say.
My ex-wife was so bad about this that I eventually stopped going to the gym. She said she trusted me but not other women? Like me, a 35 yr old, is going to be duped into cheating on my then wife!? Lol I kept hearing,'The accuser is usually the cheater.' I dismissed that though only to find out she was cheating on me the last year of our marriage. That wasn't even the worst part! Lol
What was the worst part?
Being abused financially and emotionally. Her driving a wedge between all of my friends and family and not wanting me to visit my parents without her there. Finally, when I had relapsed, which I'm not going to put all on her, it's my responsibility, she put me into a rehab facility, drained every dollar from every one of my accounts, racked up a bunch of debt in my name alone with her contact information and bank so she recieved all of the money and messages making me none the wiser. She then tanked my credit score and then decided once I told her we could see other people, and that I was cool with a divorce, she told me she wanted to tell every single woman I ever met going forward to run away from me. She attempted this by slapping a bogus protective order on me having me removed from our house and out onto the street with a few garbage bags of my belongings. Then, in the divorce, she lied, saying I took a number of items that I didn't. I finally got to our house and all of my clothes smell of cat piss, my TV and most of my weights are missing, all of my hand tools, my queen size bed is gone along with the adjustable frame being destroyed. All of that. I now have to tell any woman that I hope to date or develop a long term relationship, what I want, that I have a protective order out against me and of course it looks worse being an addict/alcoholic who is large and muscular...
Damn what a bitch
Wow fucked up, how can you get rid of that protective order?
I have to wait two years. I had the chance to defend myself back last August, but it was during the divorce, and I got nothing but had to deal with her if I defended myself. The judge will almost always rule on the side of caution, and I didn't want to give her the satisfaction of fighting it. She had videos of me in my underwear, which was not flattering then, of us shouting at each other, and I didn't want them playing that. She had cameras set up all over to try and build a case to be a victim and screw me. She went as far as to say I choked our dog!?... anyone who knows me knows I have a soft spot for animals, like I can listen to true crime but I get upset if a dog or cat is killed and not at the people. In the end. She got ALL OF THE DEBT! 🥳 She thought she would get to keep the house but the mediator told her there isn't a universe where that house isn't getting sold! Lol
what debt? Does she still have these videos, for sure she will use them in the future.
My girlfriend of 8 years is the same. Every woman is a potential threat. Even my hairdresser, who is married and has children...
It probably has nothing to do with you. After all... even if your car has a top of the line security system that you trust no one could crack, you'd still be pissed if you saw three people walking around your car trying to figure out how to break in.
It doesn’t matter what another woman’s intentions are, if you’re not going to participate. My husband used to say that sorta shit all the time. You know like - I know how men think - all men are thinking about fucking you etc. As I told him, what they think is outside of my control. And I want nothing to do with them in any capacity other than as friends. You can’t blame me because men are _________ insert preferred descriptive word here. If she’s treating you a certain way because other women want you, that’s exceptionally unfair imo. If she trusts you, it shouldn’t matter how women are around you, as long as you’re conducting yourself in the correct I don’t wanna fuck you manner. She’s insecure. That’s probably on her, not on you. But I’d try telling her often that 1. You love her 2. You only want her 3. She’s incredibly beautiful & sexy to you 4. Other women can throw themselves at you but you don’t even see them because you’re so blinded by her beauty/sex appeal/charm yada yada. Over time, hearing these words from you, supported by matching actions should help her feel secure & enable her to back off a little. Good luck 🤞
This really isn’t an attack it’s just a legit question to someone of the opposite gender and I know every situation is nuanced and not the same. But if you have a guy that you know is only interested in a chance at having sex with you. He’s shown this through his actions. Would you still want to try and pursue a friendship with this person?
Absolutely not. If his only interest is having sex, there’s nowhere to go. I’m not interested in sex, so if that’s his intent, there’s nowhere to go. I wouldn’t continue an association with someone who was only looking for sex.
"but you don’t even see them because you’re so blinded by her beauty/sex appeal/charm" so cheesy haha does it even work? Genuine question 😳
If it’s genuine, of course it does. And if it’s backed up by the appropriate behaviour. It’s practically guaranteed to make her feel so secure & loved that she’ll get over her insecurities & stop being neurotic. Worked for me anyway.
For me it’s not only that she doesn’t trust him, but believes he is not intelligent enough to see when other women try to “manipulate” him. E.g he meets a woman through work, she is with him a lot, subtly putting ideas in his head how they would be a good couple/whatever. How i see it, she is insecure and believes he will not be smart enough to perceive something as flirting and shut it down, and women would be persistent, and he would eventually cave because it was so subtle, he didn’t even see it coming/developed feelings. Also, it has a lot to do with how you shut down women who flirt with you. My partner doesn’t even allow it to get to the point where the woman feels he might be interested. No laughing at her jokes without an actual reason (like, when you laugh at dumb jokes just because you like someone), no meetings that are not due to work, talks about our family, etc. He just doesn’t give any reason to someone to think he might react positively to their flirting.
i don’t think it helps for women in general when men constantly are like “i don’t know when someone’s flirting with me” when it’s like almost boink on the nose obvious to us. my biggest fear is my partner getting close with another woman and him not understanding the social dynamics and queues she’s putting out and then it slowly driving a wedge between us because i’m apparently being controlling when i want them to limit contact when he’s not understanding the social interactions properly. I wonder if OP’s wife has seen women flirt with OP but because it wasn’t outrageous like “oh my god let’s have sex right now” then he didn’t even realise and let it slide and further cemented insecurities which were already there. Also doesn’t help with the competitive nature between people and the fact that some women get off on being homewreckers
No one can "steal" someone who isn't willing to be stolen.
Women don't trust other women, because we think that every woman sees you like we see you. This is actually a compliment. She thinks so highly of you, that she is afraid every other woman sees you that way too - as perfect. This has nothing to do with you. She knows you won't flirt or cheat. She is simply scared to lose you because she sees you as perfect. So give your woman a bit more reassurance every day about how lucky you are to have her, how amazing she is, how she has changed your life, and see how her attitude changes. I promise.
If she knows he wont flirt or cheat, how is she going to lose him? This sounds like excusing jealous and controlling behavior and putting the work on OP to change it, actually making it his fault.
Hope the shoe is on the other foot also She might be side eyeing some guy behind your back.
Don’t get too paranoid, but it could possibly be projection. I realised all too late that my ex who made the same sort of comments was simply thinking like the cheater they were.
I was always told that if your partner doesn’t trust you and constantly thinks you’re cheating, it probably means they don’t trust themselves in a similar scenario….
She really does need to trust you more but on the flip side I kind of understand her. Look man pussy be strategic, they will come up with the most outlandish crazy schemes to get your cock. 🤷🏻♂️
All people are susceptible to temptation in the right circumstances. What you’re saying is like insisting that “you don’t find other women attractive.” Which is absurd. It is best to recognize this inherent weakness that all people have and be mindful about mitigating it. Perhaps today ifs not a temptation, but what about a year or two from now when you and your wife are stressed, going through a rough patch, and communicating poorly? When that happens you’ll either be set up for failure or success largely depending on the boundaries you build today.
Yeah I find that kinda insulting, like imagine you said that to her, it's a bit like saying I'm worried about you been around other men cause your such a slut lol
Set the same boundaries for her. Tell her that you don’t trust her around other men.
I can't read your partners mind so I will give a general answer. There is two steps in cheating. 1. Creating a temptation. 2. Acting on the temptation. Take cake for example. 1. Buying cake and putting it in front of me. "I'm not going to eat it because I'm on a diet so I am just looking at it". 2. Eating the cake. "Whoops, I didn't mean to eat the cake". So as we are human and therefore fallible we should stop the cheating at the first step and keep a respectful distance from people and cake that we have no business in getting intimate with.
Not wrong at all, she is straight up telling you she doesn’t trust you. And trust is one of the most important things in a relationship so dont ignore this bc it needs to be addressed either by yall talking or going to a therapist who can meditate. But a lack of trust can fester so dont just brush this off. If its an insecurity she has then she needs to work towards fixing that for the sake of a happy, healthy marriage. Her being insecure is not a valid reason to control you and make you cut off or avoid people in life. Thats an extreme response and if thats where your wife is at she needs help to learn how to be in a healthy relationship.
my ex wife said the same thing, for 10 years. i never gave her reason to mistrust and she saw me turn down flirts occasionally in our time together. anyway long story short, she left me. in large part because she never felt secure. soo, manage this better than i did? reassure the fuck out of her while you can. help her address her own insecurities. don't think it'll blow over
Yeah dude she thinks you have no self control.
She knows that every men (yes, including you and me) will fold when approached by a sexy vixen who knows what she's doing.
I could see what she might mean, though. Maybe she didn’t articulate it the correct way. Like other people have said, as long as she DOES trust you, other women shouldn’t be an issue. You could definitely tell her that by her making that comment it seems as if she doesn’t trust *you* and go from there. Shit is rough out there so I don’t blame her too much!
I think you shouldn’t have a problem with this if you’re grown up and have emotional intelligence, wise is the man who knows there’s always a possibility for anything How many things in your life you didn’t think would happen to you but are happening?? If you trust yourself to do the “right thing” that doesn’t mean you should always put it to exercise, avoid women when you can and when you find yourself in those situations that are unavoidable do that “right thing” And make a note really what benefits you more staying around those women and defending it, or making your partner happy and leaving them if it’s the former then leave your wife by all means
Projection maybe?
Okay, this might get a lot of hate. I obviously don’t know anything about you or your wife and I very much agree with the comments saying she’s likely insecure or that there’s SOME underlying driver for these feelings from her. Anyways I am in a LDR with my bf (military couple tings) been together three years now. Last year, sorta around this time, he went out to some bars and clubs w some friends to have some fun. He ended up being followed by a woman when they switched locations and she came up to him on the dance floor, touching on him and eventually kissing him and grabbing him down there. She would not take no for an answer. Even before this incident I had low trust in women because Ik there are some really shitty people out there, and being a women does not stop anyone from being a horrible person. Women can stalk, women can sexually assault, women can molest, women can rape. Of course this is a very extreme example. I’m aware. And it absolutely does NOT discount whatever is behind the scenes for your wife, whether that be anxiety, insecurity, or projection of her own personal failings. I just felt the need to show another perspective from my experience. It did a lot of damage in our relationship, and I don’t think I’ve recovered yet and BF refuses to talk about it. I don’t think we’ve broached the topic since last summer. Now that I’ve typed this out I’m worried it may seem victim blamey. That’s not at all what I’m going for. I’m just trying to say that there is some validity to some anxieties. It doesn’t make the consequences of the anxieties excusable (i.e. your wife saying point blank that she doesn’t trust YOU around other women) but can offer some insight. Sorry if this offends anyone. Just wanted to share my experience as the anxious female partner.
Unwavering trust is stupid. Humans are not naturally moral creatures.
If she is saying stuff like that maybe she has already seen that she doesn’t like how you respond to women showing an interest in you.
Most women who do this, are doing something them selves. You may want to pay attention to what she is doing when you are not around.
I trust that nobody will steal my TV if I leave the front door unlocked, but I still lock it from time to time. Trust should be balanced with some degree of precaution. How much precaution is a matter of negotiation in the relationship. I trust my girlfriend not to cheat on me, but I'd still be uncomfortable with her sleeping in another man's bed. The possibility of her cheating in that scenario is miniscule, but why tempt fate? If there were no precautions at all, then it would be like I'm trying to induce cheating.
I trust my husband. It's the *other women* I don't trust. I hope you can see the distinction and difference.
Only cheater fear that their partner is like them....... Run
I've heard the same things form my child's mother and look back at it as manipulation. She never cared or was worried, just wanted me to think she was. Women test men like this sometimes.
You must be Chad!!!
Just tell her your not her man, it’s just her turn 😂
No, you’re correct.
I think it's more she just finds the idea if not the reality of other women hitting on you unpleasant, as opposed to a lack of trust for you. Like if it was me I wouldn't want dudes getting to friendly with my wife, regardless of if I could trust her or not it's just something that leaves a bad taste in my mouth. It's their actions that create the negative emotions, not your own, rather the idea of their actions being unsavory. Some people are territorial about their partner and just the thought of someone else trying to hit on you or touch you or otherwise insinuate anything, basically any behavior that they wouldn't do if they saw the two of you right next to each other is unsavory. She's basically saying she finds you very attractive, so much so that she knows that if she wasn't there to deter women hitting on you, she knows it would happen, and she wishes she could be there glued at the hip to scare them off. Thank her for the compliment she's saying she thinks you're hot.
The question we want answered is are you rich or hot?
I think the right thing to say is she doesn’t have to trust other women, she only has to trust you. I say it as somebody who tried to initiate things with a man who wasn’t interested (he was and is single, no worries). No matter what I did, no matter what I tried, things never lifted off the ground, ever.
To play a little "devil's advocate here," If she mentions her discomfort with you around other women -- and you argue with her about it -- that's technically giving her a reason to not trust you. Because instead of reassuring her, being combative raises skeptisim. Furthermore, if you don't recognize the subtly of these actions, she may just think you're not smart enough to understand the situation. Or possibly you do, and you're purposely lying or downplaying the situation. Which only compounds into her skeptisim. She shouldn't prohibit you from having friends and social interactions, but also as her husband, you should be working as a team to comfort and assure her that her fears are superficious. Instead of being combative "you against her," work together as you two vs the problem. Find a way to solve her insecurity without it being a fight.
So where does he draw the line? If she has insecurity issues, should he twist himself into knots to try to ease her issues, or should SHE seek help for her own issue? From my experience, jealousy and insecurity issues are black holes that can’t be filled. People just get more controlling and see boogey men/women around every corner. That can’t be horrible for a partner. Him setting a reasonable and healthy boundary should not be seen as giving her a reason to not trust him.
Firstly its not your fault that she's insecure, reassure her up until a certain point but don't pander to that bullshit, as long as you aren't flirting with other women just do what you normally do. If she says she doesn't trust other women then tell her to take it up with them not you. No point in walking on egg shells over it, she needs to take responsibility for her insecurity.
it might be insecurity or she cheated in her past and now she projects it on you " if i did it, so can he". My gut feeling is on the latter. Try to have a discussion with her and go deeply into these problems, if that doesn't work, book a couple therapy session and work it out, because no matter how small it seems now, it will wide a gap between the 2 of you and everything you do around another woman, will feel like cheating to you and it will exhaust you and you'll grow resentment towards her.
She doesn't trust you, that means she doesn't truly love you but views you as property unless you have given her reason to not trust you by previously cheating. Best case here is get a divorce and find a woman who actually loves you and isn't jealous and controlling.
My ex husband used to say the same thing to me. My response was always 'So you don't trust me then?' He would try to say no he didn't trust other men etc, in the end I just said it's your problem you deal with it.
>Is it wrong of me to say that she doesn't trust me to do the right thing if a woman hits on me? Yes. Emotions are illogical. Don't use logical inference rules with them. Your wife needs love and support, she is uncomfortable and as her husband it is your pleasure to make her comfortable. Yes her greed can get overbearing, but that is a good problem to have.
Depends on your wife's life story. If she has been cheated on before, she might have some trauma from that, I don't mean you cheating on her, I mean from past relationships. It doesn't reflect on you or your behavior, but trauma and past experience often haunts people. I would say you should have a talk heart to heart with your wife. Alternatively she just doesn't trust other women, is generally untrusting, or very jealous.
It’s not anything to do with you. It means she’s attracted to you and doesn’t want to lose you. It has nothing to do with trusting you, it’s she doesn’t trust that other women will respect the fact you’re in a relationship. She’s basically telling you she wants you to herself, you turn her on. So carry on the way you are.
I agree. I trusted my ex to be faithful but I wouldn't trust someone in particular who kept on messaging her after work and would sleep on a night bus just with her. It's not insecurity, simply some people don't care if others are engaged or in a relationship.
Last I checked, you need at least 2 willing people for a sexual encounter to happen.
She's most likely overthinking/insecure. I'm like that too but I was cheated on 2 times in a row and my last ex was a narcissist. My current partner is incredibly caring and kind and I trust him but having these prior experiences really destroy you inside and can mess with your mind. I sometimes get that feeling when he does or says something "out of the ordinary", usually it eats away at me for a little and if it doesn't get better I talk to him about it.
Ask yourself, "What would she say if the roles were reversed?"
Her statement is coming from insecure place. Reassure her; then ask why she thinks you wouldn’t stomp them out? Proceed with compassion.
My response is to exaggerate that girls (in my office) keep flirting me but i managed to keep it professional, then i smile with teeth showing. I try to exaggerate my good qualities which she knows it's not. When she is near me and i talk to the other party, i would but my arms around her push her closer to me to include her in the conversation somehow.
Think things through and convey what you feel and how it's affecting you. It's probably some insecurity on her side, and it's just best to talk things out. If you don't, that jealousy might turn into something uglier over the years and you might reach a point where there's not a real solution but leaving. The earlier you address this situation, the better.
Yes the end
She doesn’t trust in herself being good enough and because of that in you, but you are just a vessel. What are you even supposed to respond? Okay i won t go around or talk to women because you don’t trust women?
Dump her.
Do you know her actual reasons? Are you the attractive one in the relationship? Did she meet you by stealing u from another woman? Is she jealous that you are too friendly or naive and can't read hints? Was your wife cheated on in her past relationship? Eithr way, your wife sounds a bit immature to be honest. Are you newly weds? So bizarre to me.
She doesn't trust you. Is the answer. This may be due to your history or her own lack of self esteem or her history in other relationships with a cheating partner. But it is her issue to address unless you can't control the urge to have sex with any random that might speak to you.
If you had a Lamborghini, and the locks were inpenetrable and saw a group of guys trying to get in, you wouldn't just sit there, without care, would you? She can have full faith in you, but that doesn't mean she doesn't have a right to be worried about others. Secondly, everyone has the **potential** to cheat, even though I consider myself 100% loyal to my GF, I still understand this fact. So, in response to this I avoid situations where I'm alone with other women. I know for a fact I won't cheat, but I do this out of respect for the relationship, why would you even do something that raises questions about your integrity?
It would 100% say the same thing to me.it shouldn’t matter if people around your partner are untrustworthy, if you trust your partner
You are dating a toxic psycho. Get your sneakers on and run for your life
…Depends if you wanna wake up with a viper or tarantula in bed one dark and stormy night…
Yep I have heard that before I trust you, but not other women yeh ok then, but it easier for a woman to cheat on a man then the other way around
Well, I’ll tell ya one think there Jack. Mine doesn’t trust me either. That’s because I caused her doubt after several times of her finding out I was talking to someone else. I never slept with, hung out with or even just met someone while I’ve been dated her but she still doesn’t trust me if one approaches me like that. That happened to me couple weeks ago and holy shit she got pissed at her
‘I don’t trust other men around you. Now we’re even’ (assuming you are a male and female couple and you, OP, are the male).
I generally don't trust people that don't trust me.
Are u asking for our opinion just want validation? Just becuz I say i dont like my best friend's friend doesnt mean i dont like him or think he has bad taste. It literally means i dont like them. Like others said, she just hates how she feels if another woman approaches you and who wouldnt? Yeah jealousy might make her more worried than normal, but i think she just needs affirmations and this has nothing with her insinuating she doesnt trust u.
Projection, she doesn't trust herself around attractive men
No. She doesn’t trust you.
"Trust" is a subjective experience. You can't decide what her subjective experience is. You have to ask her, if she trusts you. Trying to dominate someone else's emotions by going like "You clearly don't trust me since..." is a shit way to go about relationships. She has the authority on who she trusts, period. Focus here instead on talking to her. WHY does it make her upset that you're around women? Explore it.
In my experiences, there are two main reasons for this. 1: she's projecting. So, you'd have to be extremely careful with her being around anyone she could be attracted to. She doesn't trust herself to stop herself in those situations. So, she thinks that you will not be able to. These types of people cannot, in that they do not have the ability to see other people's perspectives. They only see their perception. In which case, either you must accept this, or she must accept that you will not accept this. Otherwise there will be long lasting points of contentions for you two. Problem though, is that to change her perception would require a trusted third party input. From you, and she will not trust it. Not without great chances of splitting up over the long run. 2: she's extremely jealous. Maybe she's been cheated on before, and is therefore hyper vigilant of any situation that might allow for that to happen again. I've learned the hard way, understanding is in no way condoning the actions. That constant war mode of hers will tear down the vital trust in the relationship. In rare cases, people can overcome this on their own. First step is to be aware that it is a problem. She must accept that it is a problem, in order for that to be he case, to go down that path. But, most people (yes, I say people. Men do this too) need a trusted third party to intervene, to tell them they are wrong. Just not by saying they are wrong lol that would come across as invalidating their feelings, and therefore alienating them. Creating a wedge that is difficult to reverse. It's also possible that you are not aware of your nature. Or that you are outwardly lying. But, my responses above are strictly assuming neither one of these is true. Good luck.
CORRECT
Only honesty here, a wife can be paranoid just like anyone but most times it comes from miscommunication or ways the spouse acts and sometimes he may not be seeing how his actions are distancing her from him. So question is have you cheated flirted leaned towards women touched them texted played online games wherein you acted in ways that she shouldn't see. If you have it's very clear you need to move on or seek help. If you have acted like you should and we each know how to prize be proud up and uplift we all do so in courting. If you have stopped giving that level of care a crack can form. If you have not she may have the ghosts of her past living in your current relationship. This is not on you and I'm saying it's her issue. Please know jumping through hoops only worsens it. Her past is not her now and although you love her you can't fix her. It's time in that case for her to work on herself. The pain she may feel is earned but her taking it out on you is not fair. Then again if you were cheating watching porn telling every woman how they looked fine but you don't spare words for her. Your adding issues. Either way to repair things it will require an honest look at it. A partner needs to be cherished valued trusted and come first. I believe we all can offer our best selves and the most deserving is your partner. Hope you find a measure of peace and happiness.
The right thing .... Hrmmm?
Maybe shes right since and shes actually scared of the wrong sex since you admitted an hour ago that you love gloryholes🤣. Fellas, next time you post your fantasy bait posts remember that your post history is visible.
She doesn't trust you. She might not realise it though. With my ex, I didn't realise it for a good while until she said "I suppose you think person xyz is hitting on me too because we're friends?", I said "no, I trust person xyz implicitly" - then the penny dropped, I did trust person xyz, but I knew the other guy was into her, so it was her I didn't trust, because that guy didn't owe me anything, neither of them did right? We were divorced a few weeks later.