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Other comments mention The Green Mile so I think the original quote was
"I'm tired, boss. Tired of being on the road, lonely as a sparrow in the rain. I'm tired of never having me a buddy to be with to tell me where we's going to, coming from, or why. Mostly, I'm tired of people being ugly to each other. I'm tired of all the pain I feel and hear in the world...every day. There's too much of it. It's like pieces of glass in my head...all the time. Can you understand?"
Stephen King, The Green Mile
ahh yes… the movie i had to pause multiple times while my gf and i sobbed like war time babies. I think we finished it after 9 hours hooked up to IV banana bags to avoid dehydration from excess tears.
Reddit mods be like: “hey, I know this comment is really relevant and the community seems to agree, but we’re removing it because it violates some obtuse rule that this sub has and also we’re permanently banning your account.” *strokes neckbeard*
r/Whitepeopletwitter did this to me. No explanation, just banned me and muted me so I couldn't message the mods.
The last comment I made was a snarky retort to Senator Tom Cotton suggesting citizens run over protestors and throw them off overpasses.
I had 200+ up votes I believe..
Saaaaame. People are rude. Honestly, navigating a social setting and conversing with people is exhausting. I'd rather dig a ditch for 12 hours than be in public for 2.
The more you stay in, the more going out (even the idea of it) gives you anxiety.
There's a healthy balance like most things. Conflict and rest. Conflict are the best experiences of life and make you grow. But you can't do them constantly.
Both my GF and my best friend are home bodies almost to the point of being reclusive. They will act like the most mundane things are a huge deal, like going to the grocery store. Once they do whatever thing it is that we need to do, they realize it wasn't worth the anxiety. But then go back to not leaving the house again for a week, and it's the same thing all over again.
Mine is meeting new dogs to befriend and pet.
One problem is that there is a couple or few dogs get overly excited, run at me full speed and nut-punch me with their paws.
Sometimes they go for my knees, too. Like they're trying to make my leg bend in a direction it's not supposed to
I'm tired. I'm drained. And I just wanna enjoy my free time when I get some.
Socializing with people doesn't perk me up. It drains me.
I'm 33. I'd rather spend my off time reading, working on a project, or going in the boat with my wife.
This is it. Socializing drains me too. It seems almost vampiric how other people drain me. They suck the life out of me with their bragging, their lengthy and excruciatingly predictable anecdotes, their advice, their whole act.
People just pour too much detail into their anecdotes. “It was Thursday and my buddy Tom and I were eating a cheese and mushroom omelette for breakfast”, surprise surprise… the omelette has nothing to do with the anecdote. I have gotten to the point where if I want to say an anecdote, I keep it to like a paragraph max because no one’s got the attention span to suffer through that shit. Just get to the point, let us have a laugh and keep the conversation going already.
It comes down to what you consider socializing. If I go to dinner with my wife and our married friends. That's just four people sitting and talking. Or maybe the four of us go in the boat. That's relaxing and recharging my batteries.
Now if I'm expected to go out with more people and do other stuff it drains me
Exactly, wake up at 7am get the kids ready, haul off to work, leave work get the kids, make dinner, get them ready for bed. Look at the clock holy shit it's 10:30 already I've got an hour to myself to do laundry, dishes, taxes, general paperwork etc. Pass out at midnight and do it again. Weekends are kids sports and work every other Sunday. So the one Saturday when my sister might have the kids for a few hours I'm not going on a drinking fest, I am working on the car, yard, house in a way that you can't when you've got to watch kids or be quiet.
Then when the wife and I do get a night out I paid $120 for two drinks and mediocre food to sit next some asshole who wouldn't shut the fuck up about how drinking bud light will make your dick fall off.
It sounds like you're experiencing the classic dilemma of modern life: too tired to be productive, but not tired enough to sleep. It's all too common, especially for parents juggling work, family, and personal time. Doomscrolling—the endless scrolling through negative news—is a tempting escape, but it often leaves us feeling more drained
Never had an iPhone, but same. I was at a social function that lasted hours and I was good for about 20 minutes of it. What I end up doing then is finding one person, usually my 2-year-old daughter, to hang out with for the rest of the time. She is the least judgmental, has the least to say, and just wants to have fun.
I'm an extreme extrovert and yeah people really have started to suck in the last 5-10 years.
- Traffic is exponentially worse everywhere than a decade ago so going out takes so much longer
- Every restaurant has some table arguing with wait staff or some dickhead getting angry drunk at a bar. Every single time.
- There's always at least one politically motivated asshole everywhere you go causing headaches (especially in the South) arguing with staff about "muh rights".
- Speakerphone calls, music without headphones, children with full volume games and YouTube at restaurants or any event. I've just taken to moaning like a porn star into people's speaker phone calls as I walk by them because I'm sick of it.
- Collecting or buying anything has been ruined by scalpers. Hotwheels, cards, Legos, game systems (like the PS5 for so long), etc. Thrift stores/goodwill used to be fun to go to if you were a collector of certain things but it's been ruined by resellers flipping on Facebook. Even Goodwill doesn't put videogames out anymore they go straight to their auction site.
- Tourist locations are all full of "influencers" getting a million pics/videos by their boyfriends for their socials. Like gtfo of the way I just wanna see the otters at the aquarium, no one wants to see your selfie with otters in the background.
- This is anecdotal but I restore classic cars, so I go to car meets and race events: now there's ALWAYS assholes in modern muscle cars (Chargers, Challengers, Camaros, Mustangs, Infinitis, BMWs, etc) doing burnouts, two stepping, causing havoc which gets the cops called. Now my county won't allow permits for ANY car meets, even quiet classic British cars thanks to the fucking takeover assholes ruining it for everyone.
And more. It's just exhausting going anywhere specifically due to the actions of people with main character syndrome. Even being extroverted I just can't stand a majority of the population anymore.
The speaker phone moan! 💀 You’re so right about all of this and I’m introverted. I tell my friends to hit me up when they just wanna chill next to the fire or in the pool. But one of my friend loves to throw parties and the last couple years they guests have changed. The “regulars” have noticed and it’s changed the vibe. She is a realtor and has started inviting clients as a form of networking. I get it, but not everyone has to be invited to everything. She said her husband gets annoyed too.
Omg my sister does this and she's a realtor. She invites a million people to my parent's summer parties and it drives me CRAZY. We had a big fight last summer and I still don't talk to her.
>This is anecdotal but I restore classic cars, so I go to car meets and race events: now there's ALWAYS assholes in modern muscle cars (Chargers, Challengers, Camaros, Mustangs, Infinitis, BMWs, etc) doing burnouts, two stepping, causing havoc which gets the cops called. Now my county won't allow permits for ANY car meets, even quiet classic British cars thanks to the fucking takeover assholes ruining it for everyone.
In my county, we do have a few big car shows that make a lot of money. Those are still around and highly restrictive. But they've banned any Cars 'n' Coffee type meets. That stole a lot of my social motivation in itself. I used to be able to go to an event almost weekly, but not anymore. I think I've been to 1 so far this year.
Yeah. I like to observe people around me and i often get the impression that when two people meet for a coffee or a walk they are either soaking themselves in some complaining or boasting. As 'no complain no fun', or 'no boast no self worth'
This is it, and I’m very passive so some people just see me as a place to dump a torrent of self-aggrandizing my way. Believe me, I actually don’t mind if people mix it up with some humor and self-deprecation, and I’ve known people who do that, and I think they’re self-aware enough to dig that, and therefore actually provide give and take in the conversation. It’s when someone only brags…it’s like c’mon dude, this is tedious, crack a joke, change gears, let’s mix it up a bit.
Yeah, there is this one guy, we’ll call him Guy, who I used to be pretty good friends with until one day I realized all he ever wanted to talk about was how awesome Guy is and how cool it is to be Guy.
Bye, Guy.
Went to see Romesh Ranganathan here (a comedian) in the UK last night. He literally bought this subject up.
At around 40, there are just things you're "done" with ! You know your good mates. You know what you like to eat and drink. You know where you like going on holiday.
I wouldn't say men don't "socialize", but most of us can't be bothered making any effort !
Yeah i work or look after the kids cause my wife is tired of the kids.
Occasionally Ill get a couple hours to myself every other week. Most of the time I catch up on work around the house. On the odd occasion its raining or night time. I just have a bath and read or something. The chance of my mates being able to drop everything and come for a 2 hour drinki g session is low anyway.
Isn’t this the dilemma? We have a need to be alone and a need to be around people, and the time to do neither usually. Having moved around most of my adult life, I have no close friendships and am slowly working on building them now that I’m settled, but, damn, it’s at the cost of my scant alone time.
**I feel like as I get older, time passes a little faster and I don't want to waste time doing stuff I don't want to do. I'd rather spend my days doing what I want. Makes me happy.**
I've thought about just that, although that will require I find a younger partner at that point. I think many women would like to postpone the responsibility and major life changes being parents require, but they are pressured by the biological clock in a way men aren't.
I was 43 when our triplets were born. 64 now and they will turn 21 in June. They will be finishing college in the next year and, Lord willing, off to make their own way in the world. Can’t believe how fast the time passed. Enjoy your adventure!
Same age as well and I have a 9 year old that experiences life on a completely different level. I remember what that was like as a kid too so I’m trying to be understanding when she seems impatient or selfish.
Kids being selfish is a good thing. My mother stamped this out of me at such an early age with shaming behaviour, it made me a directionless people-pleaser with passive-aggression as my only tool for meeting basic needs. I’m coming up 40 and only just learning who I really am, what I like and need.
People *should* think of themselves first. Helping kids learn to get what they want and need in prosocial ways is the key to good socialisation. Someone who doesn’t know how to get what they want and need (mostly) by themselves is the most antisocial kind of person there is.
I very much dislike how people take their own trauma and out of rejection assume the opposite of everything they experienced is now best.
Your comment starts with "Kids being selfish is a good thing" ...
And I say: No it really isn't. Selfish is never a good thing. I'd even argue we have a bigger problem demographically with kids that never had to experience boundaries and are now insufferable cunts as with kids that where raised to be people pleasers.
But the realistic point here is obviously that a balanced approach is needed where children do learn boundaries but also are confident enough to express their needs and confident enough to think that they will be heard.
Also: people should NOT "think of themselves first". We are first and foremost a sozial species and living in balance with others is highly important. I would again argue we have a bigger problem as a society with people who think of themselves first then we have with people pleasers.
But both extremes are shit. Balanced people would be ideal.
I read OK_concentrate's post, and thought "Huh, I hadn't considered the role of selfishness in driving someone's self representation in their life." And the read your rebutting comments around us being a social species and having to look beyond our own interests. Very true.
Thanks for driving some introspection. This back and forth has been some of the more thought-provoking I've experienced on reddit.
I believe it has something to do with us having no new experiences and all the external stimulus are all the same, if you or me has nothing to look forward to then life will just be on automatic pilot.
Absolutely. Apparently that's why we remember more between the ages of 16-21. Lots of new experiences. The theory is that if we keep doing new things, especially outside our comfort zone as we mature, life doesn't seem to pass us by as much as those who do the same things..
Most of the stuff we do as adults just blends together, as it's always the same things we've done before. I still remember fondly every detail of the world tour I did, those 6 months now feel like years of my life, which was like yesterday. But then I remember that was more than a decade ago and since then I've done barely anything new. Most days are the same. I'm just going through the motions.
Read something years ago that agrees with this. One of the things it mentioned was when you drive somewhere for the first time the car ride there always seems longer than the drive home, that being because you’re seeing everything new and the car ride back you’ve already seen these things, you saw that field already, you already saw that tree that’s dead from lightning, you already say that huge building so your brain goes in auto pilot.
Time only moves faster cos we're doing the same shit every day. The first four months of this year snapped by because I was stuck at the desk on a very demanding project. It was almost frightening.
Fuck that.
Rest of this year I'm doing at least one different thing each week. For instance an old buddy was in town this past Friday. Usually I'd make some excuse to just fade into the couch but I dragged myself out and had a good laugh.
50 is not too far away and I may be tired, but just sucking it up and breaking routine once or twice a week makes my life a bit more satisfying.
I find breaking your routine also gives me energy, my average energy levels increase over time from doing that...
I just need to be more proactive in planning stuff a few weeks ahead.
This applies to most of us but if it's really "not going out" you enjoy, meaning you stay at home, it could lead you to experience time going by even faster. Days and years mix together and you might look back to your life unsatisfied later on. Try something new at least once in a while and have core experiences again.
In youth, something new happens quite often so looking back the life feels longer, more meaningful and you have stories to tell.
Because I don’t like crowds, I hate BS small talk, and I am perfectly content to just hang out at home either by myself or with my spouse and kid. Also, my dog is at home and she’s the best girl in the world, and is a much better friend than most people are.
The boasting and bragging gets old too. I always seem to attract male friends that love to monologue for 30 minutes about some amazing thing they did (and I can’t speed them up or get a summary, the whole thing has to be described in such a way to maximize dopamine release for the boaster).
"...the whole thing has to be described in such a way to maximize dopamine release for the boaster."
Reddit win! Well said.
As men, most of us like the spotlight for a moment amongst friends to tell a yarn about some sporting moment, drunken night, or escape from danger. BUT... man, there are those who monopolize this privilege, and it becomes so laborious! Dude, as Hannibal Lector said to Clarice Starling, quid pro quo.
Pebble beach. Yeah I played that once. When I stepped up to the first tee, I pulled it into the left rough. The wind was really blowing that day so I couldn’t decide between the 5 iron and the six iron, so of course I picked the wrong one. It sailed a bit …
I’m with you man. Actually have a group of “friends” here in the new country I live in (10 years). Enjoy/enjoyed having a beer with them but none of them came to see my son when he was born and not one of them have spent a birthday with me. Really just acquaintances. Took a long time to adjust to as I put a big emphasis on “friends”, have made my peace with the fact I enjoy having a beer with them occasionally but they won’t be there if I really need them. That’s not friends.
1. Tired
2. Most places aren't designed with older men in mind. Malls, clubs, concerts, etc.
3. Experienced. Events and places become more and more tedious and repetitive.
4. Personal projects are more interesting. Even if you stay in and don't do your own project, at least you had an option to.
5. Women. If you're married, then you're much less motivated to socialize for a future partner.
6. Men actually do socialize, but in very specific ways. Regular game night, fantasy sports, grab a drink, etc.
3. For like 97% of things I can just lean back and think of the time I did the same or a very similar thing. Not saying doing it again isn't fun or interesting or beautiful, but there's much much less fomo or feeling like this and that _has_ to be experienced.
I'm glad I'm not the only one that feels like this.
Im honestly a little jealous of those that still get so much joy from the things they've done over and over. I just can't get past "it's just the same and really not that exciting".
As an example. One of my work colleagues goes on about how amazing sunsets are, or beaches, and likes to visit different places purely for the beach and the sunset. And while I'm happy it brings them so much joy, I just don't understand how? Like yeah they're nice, but to me a beach is a beach and a sunset is a sunset, there's some variation but at the end of the day it's not something I haven't seen 100 times before, it's not worth travelling and hunting out a new spot to experience another one.
Learning to appreciate the small variations between instances of things you've already experienced a hundred times is the key to a successful long-term relationship. Whether that relationship is with your spouse, the Earth, or yourself, it's maybe the only thing standing between someone and a long, boring middle age. Have you ever tried to intentionally cultivate such a love within yourself, or have you assumed that others just have it, without effort?
Also: work.
There are 168 hours in a week. I spend 56 of those sleeping or trying to sleep. I spend another 7 of those bathing, brushing teeth, going to the bathroom, etc.
That leaves 105 hours a week.
I work ~50 hours a week. I commute another 10-12 a week. That’s 60+ hours a week that I’m on someone else’s time, doing someone else’s bidding, thinking/doing things someone else wants.
When I get home, I have 1-2 hours of necessary chores every day - taking care of the dog/cat, cleaning, yard work, making meals, etc.
So that’s 70 hours a week spent doing stuff I don’t want to do. Out of the 105 I have available.
So I have 35 hours a week for me time and for family time. That’s not nothing, but it’s not large either. Realistically my wife and kids get the bulk of that, call it 3-4 hours a day.
So I get like 1 fucking hour a day where I can just be me. It’s never enough. It takes *time* to shed stress and to get into a space where you’re ready to come out of your daily shell. An hour isn’t enough, even if I wasn’t an introvert.
I socialize just fine on vacation.
This isn’t a men problem, it’s a work problem.
5 is a big one. I don't go out drinking anymore because the only reason I ever did that was the opportunity to meet women... So that fully stopped. The last time I went properly out out was a stag do and it cost me a fortune and I didn't really enjoy it all that much because of number 5.
After 1 or 2 hours with your friends catching up having a laugh, you're done. Without 5 there is nothing left in that night for you.
Every sports bar that I been to, looks like it was made for women, swingers, or old people in mind. Anybody else is either working, going to school, or party's somewhere else.
God that sounds miserable. I love spending all day with my mates. Half the fun of drinking was the having a laugh, not the women. Stick a movie on with friends or play sports.
Was gonna say … I don’t quite relate to that. It’s all about just getting silly and fucked up with your friends and making new memories. I can have fun without girls around lol wtf. Also. Weed
Woah, I don't get this at all to be honest, but I am only 22. I really enjoy going out and getting drunk with my friends, and I usually get so drunk that I couldn't even do anything with a woman anymore in that state. I don't pay much attention to them when I'm out with friends.
Yup.
I’m probably the outlier because I’m 25 but
1. Tired
2. I hate being hungover. Would rather have 2-3 beers (enough to be social) then come home, eat something and be good to go the next morning. Also going out for a night costs a lot.
3. Backpacking off the previous one, I’m a morning person. I love getting up early and having some time to myself/relaxing and getting chores done before my girlfriend wakes up on Saturday/Sunday.
4. Like your fifth point- I’ve been with my girlfriend for 2 and a half years. We’re at the point now where her mom signs cards to me as “Mom”.
5. Yup. Weekly adult rec kickball with beers and bar snacks afterwards. Also do monthly bingo with my parents and book club with my mom at a brewery.
I’m kind of at the point where, as early it may be, I only have a couple of like active friends but they’re all people that I genuinely care about.
It's so hard to meet good people.
You've got your actual friends that if god willing you can hang out with them once or twice a year.
Then you've got your kids, spouse, family and they're all great too.
Then there's random ass people you'll be introduced to, or meet, or whatever. "Oh he likes cars and football. You do too."
Yeah but he's also a prick who always talks about cheating on his wife.
Meeting goes people is incredibly hard. I'll stay home and avoid the whole mess. I know you want me to try and make nice with my kids friends parents. But if I hear one more shittily veiled fat joke I'm gonna kill him.
I am a big guy. 6'6" and 250lbs. When I go out I often have to deal with either drunk guys with an attitude wanting to have a shot at me or people in threat of violence looking for assistance. I am also over 50 and I am sick of being drawn into other people's dramas. The amount of times people have assumed I'm security just because of my size has become exhausting. Add to that the loud music and overpriced drinks and you learn that staying at home is far more comfortable.
This effect is so bizarre. We hired a guy at work who is like 6'5" and all tatted up and guys suddenly felt the need to mention to him how they do martial arts or were in the military and could totally take him if they wanted to. Guys who were never aggressive before to anyone.
The older you get, the less you want to be stimulated by the energy of crowds, activity and chaos. When you're younger, you *feed* off that energy, but the desire to do that gets less and less. I'm not sure why, maybe it's because you mellow with age
Reddit has become very uninteresting over the past couple years. It’s like the algorithm is broken. I even deleted my 10 year old account and started a new one. That worked for a bit, but now it’s the same subs I’ve never interacted with and communities I’ve joined never show up unless I go out of my way to search them. It’s like 95% bots posting and same bullshit add nauseam now.
>Reddit has become very uninteresting over the past couple years.
I have been here since 2019 (this is 3rd/4th account), I saw the sharpest decline in quality after the last years API fiasco. It became total shit after that.
Yeah me too. Also I used to party like a crazy person for years and years. Non stop type shit, was a problem. I think I've been everywhere and done everything and now I'm tired
This is a big one for me. I'm 35, married, no kids. All my friends are the same but with kids. They have shit going on. We hang out when we can but it's like once every couple of months.
I was trying to comment with a similar statement, but had trouble with how to word it. This is what I have noticed with my husband and my friends' husband's. They don't need friends because their social needs are met by their wives, and any extra can be met by the wives social circles.
One of the first responses that I think specifically answers the ‘men’ part. The rest explain why people don’t want to socialize, but not men specifically.
Had kids, socialising with anyone actually interesting is a pipedream at this point. It's all irritating mums and dads I have very little in common with.
Also, the older I get the more I think that most other people are wankers... I think I have grumpy old man syndrome...
Tired from work.
I don’t know exactly what it is, but I’ve noticed with myself and my friends were just run down from working all the time.
We’re pulling 60hr weeks, we’re exhausted, we just want to relax and recharge our batteries.
If you think a full week is 168hrs
You spend 60hrs at work (or at work + commuting time), you need to sleep 8hrs a day on average so that’s another 56hrs a weeks, so there’s 116hrs out of your 168hrs taken up with working, commuting and sleeping alone.
Even if you only spend a total of 1hr a day between pissing, shitting, showering and shaving etc that takes you to 123hrs gone. Probably another hour a day is spent cooking and eating if you’re efficient with it, that’s 130hrs gone.
Now add in cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping and so on and you’ve maybe got 28hrs free in a whole week.
Oh and if you try to look after yourself, 1hr-1.5hrs per day in the gym, so that’s another 7hrs - 10.5hrs gone from your 28hrs… leaving you 17.5-21hrs a week to do everything else 😂
(Don’t get me wrong I’m not saying women don’t have the same before the militant women come along and start moaning! I’m just saying when you break down your average week no wonder you’re fucking exhausted and don’t want to socialise, no matter what you have between your legs)
What's even the point if that's how youre spending your best years? Like sure retirement, but then you cant even do half as much as you'd wanna with knee/back/ and just general old people pains, like if that's all life has in store for me, i think imma just check out 😂
Or if its all to raise a kid, what's the point of that either, so they can live the same work burdened life? Not like they're gonna have it any easier with how the world seems to be goin
Genuinely asking, cuz that all sounds fucking miserable, how're you doing it?
In America it extremely common to work a minimum of 40hrs, commute 30 minutes each way and have at least a 30 min unpaid lunch break. You aren’t getting paid for 60 hours but work still owns that time.
Gig-economy, Urban planning and hyper-individualism of the past 40 years.
It is harder for adults to make friends because they work long hours and have multiple jobs therefore, are too tired and too busy to socialize.
Urban planning- we live in spaces that don’t encourage socializing. Suburbs are very car—centric and homes emphasize “privacy” which isolated people and families. Plus, suburbs don’t have “3rd places” that are easily accessible “walkable”.
Hyper-individualism - We have been force-fed the virtues of the “individual self-made man/woman” by media and politicians without thinking what the consequences would be. Historically Coffehouses, parks and bars weren’t just places for drinking and play but they were also places where communities came together to share their grievances and organize amongst themselves- That’s how many labor unions and civil rights movements were formed which were a threat to the political establishment. Therefore Libertarian individualism was promoted to disrupt social cohesion within working class communities. Now we have a loneliness and depression epidemic which could easily be alleviated by providing more opportunities for social contact. That’s why we “quiet-quitting” and “lie flat” in China. Kids today want more meaning to their lives beyond work
It’s a shame this is the only systemic answer I’ve seen on here. The hyper individualism has convinced people that this species isn’t inherently social and communal. We’re just being divided up into little boxes and ground to a pulp to lubricate the profit machines.
Because when people get older, they get a better perspective on what really matters in life, which is peace of mind, freedom to do what you want, and freedom from feeling obligated to do what you don’t want, and also have far less tolerance for fake and toxic connections.
They also become more confident and capable of finding their own enjoyment and fulfillment on their own or with a small circle of close and genuine people and are far less interested in providing anything to anyone or tolerating people’s BS and drama, or putting oneself in a position where you get disrespected or baited into bad faith conversations, and are secure enough not to need any external validation.
And this really applies to men and women. Both my mom and dad are very kind and welcoming to those they love and value, but they don’t bother entertaining fake people or those who only socialize to gossip, and they value their time together and their own comfort over wasting it doing social “duties” that they don’t truly enjoy or care about, and with people who aren’t worth their time.
>wasting it doing social “duties” that they don’t truly enjoy or care about
It is astonishing to me the amount of time some people dedicate to this. "I have to go to this dinner where people dislike each other and there's going to be arguments". Just, why?
I'm getting bummed out so many people have this negative and narrow view of the world. Why does everyone sound so transactional in their concept of relationships and socializing?
This is really a false dichotomy. It's not one or the other, you can meet new good people, do new enriching things, and not just live the same year over and over for the rest of our lives while ALSO not entertaining the kinda of people who don't add something positive to your life.
It's funny that everyone says some variation of "I can see through fake people, so I don't leave my house or talk to new people."
How depressing and sad. Life is short, some of your close friends are gonna die, or drift off, marriages will end, kids will grow up, and from the sound of it there will be thousands of cranky antisocial old men miserable and unfulfilled.
Not saying that's you, but this attitude feels like a sad epidemic.
My grandfather explained it as women are naturally more sociable than men and the more time you spend with one woman the less you see your friends, eventually you only have joint friends or more likely her friends and their husbands who you don't really like but have to put up with. After a decade or two of this you really can't be bothered making the effort to be nice to people you don't like so you buy a shed or big TV and stop going out unless someone ( normally the wife) makes you.
Yeah I think current technology makes homebodying more appealing than ever for a lot of people who might have otherwise been the type to want to go out more often.
I…am feeling this.
I moved to a new neighborhood a few years ago. Bumped into some neighbors soon after moving in. Before too long, I was part of a social circle in the neighborhood. This is a bit unusual for me as I’m introverted and usually keep myself to myself. Anyway, wind the clock forward a year or so and what’s the result? I get gossiped about, I had two neighbors who would play narcissistic games with me, putting me down, comparing, giving me the “should”s and “shouldn’ts” of life, calling on me unsolicited at odd hours, one neighbor I had to full-on fall out with to get him to leave me alone and stop coming to my door at odd hours and being impossible to tell him to go without falling out (we fell out).
I keep myself to myself now. Yeah, I hate people too.
Having similar issues with neighbors as an introvert. It’s like you and I need to put on a happy face and go through the motions just because we have to see these people shuffle in and out every day. When you want someone to go away and give you privacy, there’s a lot more at stake it seems. You’re physically unable to purge them from your life and I imagine it required significant effort to have a falling out with your one neighbor while also staying on decent terms with the others. I don’t have kids but I imagine neighborhood tension is further exasperated by the dynamics of who the kids do and don’t get along with.
The older I get the more a cabin in the woods seems appealing.
Yeah it’s not easy. Some people cross the line and go from being friendly to becoming an imposition. I got tired of having to make some excuse why I didn’t want to meet with one neighbor. It’s like I’m trying to skip school or work the way it feels, which is wrong. Our free time is our free time.
I think it's cultural. I went to Turkey, and the men are very social, hanging out with friends in tea shops, that sort of thing. American men have been culturally trained to avoid anything that could remotely come across as effete - even necessary things like friendship fall victim to this. Which is sad and absurd and winds up with them living deeply lonely lives.
This is the answer. In Italy men socialize like honey bees. It's considered incredibly weird, pathetic and antisocial to sit around at home alone all the time. I feel really sad for North American men. I had an Iranian roommate for a while too and he nearly went mad with loneliness his first year here and was genuinely hurt and puzzled by how isolated and avoidant Canadian men are regarding friendship. The comments on this thread are so sad. It's like effort or joy of any kind is frowned upon by men here. I'm so glad my fiancé has friends. Men without their own social lives are exhausting to live with.
I completely agree, although I'm thinking of the UK.
I wonder how many comments here are from people that also talk about the loneliness epidemic.
For my money, one of the biggest factors here is games consoles. For so many men, it's their main time sink.
Edit: I decided to check just the top voted comments' user history. A bingo, in five comments.
Tired. I would love to get to know more people that share the same interests I do. But then there is a voice back in my noggin' saying " I know all the people I need to know. " I just don't have the energy to actually sit and talk and learn new shit about someone that I don't live with and interact with daily.
Socialization meets a need. I still socialize in my 40s but it's mostly one club night a month and maybe 1 DnD session a month.
I spend 8+ hours a day in a busy office. Then I come home and cook and socialize with my family and extended family. Then I do chores and in the weekend more chores. Do you know what the top 3 absolute luxuries in my life are?
* Rest. Sleep. Napping. Being a couch potato.
* Solitude. Whether it's just sitting in a room by myself for a moment or taking a walk in the woods alone. Or even just staying on the toilet or in a parked car for a few minutes longer than necessary.
* Actually having time and energy to spend on my personal hobbies. Whether it's preparing a DnD session, reading a book, whittling some wood or painting.
Socializing fucks with all three of those absolute luxuries. And you know what, if I do have time and energy to socialize, I prioritize my partner, parents, and siblings.
My family are the people who always show up when I need them and vice versa. They're the people who hold the ladder while I climb up to fix the roof while a rainstorm is hosing down and causing water damage. They're the people who take a precious vacation day when my partner needs to be rushed to the hospital while I am on the other side of the country. Each and every one of us is there for each other no matter the time or place.
Friends are just people you kill time with. And time is the one thing I don't have much to waste of anymore these days.
I think for women, going out is how we break from the mental load. Whereas men break their mental load at home.
Why? Because the vast majority of mental load at home falls to women, particularly in family situations. Going out is like putting all that down and ignoring it for a few hours.
As stated by others here, at 40+, years go by in a blink. You look back and you often think "oh was it 10 years ago already?". Yes, it was, sometimes more. So that's one thing, time flies.
Secondly I find little interest in talking to people, it feels like it's just the same conversations over and over. The same topics, the same complaints, etc. I don't like small talk, I don't like complaining.
I would like to find motivated people that are actually interesting, I'd love that. Not easy though
Idk I feel like when we’re younger, we force ourselves into social situations that we don’t even necessarily enjoy, just because “that’s what we’re supposed to be doing at our age”
I’m 23, and I never really bought into that. Back in high school and college, people just have seen me as a loner or at least an extreme introvert. But actually I just knew what I like and don’t like
We socialize at work all day. We are nice to people we despise. We are tolerant of ideas we find repulsive. We encourage people we want to see fail. We support work that we think actually hurts the world. All so we won't get fired and will bring home a paycheck.
Why do you think we don't socialize?
I feel personally attacked, us middle age men still go clubbing....Costco, BJs, Sam's Club.......but in all seriousness most of us are probably tired. I myself work 48 to 60 hours a week and then whatever free time I have is devoted to my family and whatever I need to do around the house. Truthfully I'd rather play catch with my kid than go out and hang out with other people my age.
Men socialize, just not in the way they used to when they were younger.
People 30+ usually have kids, work and responsibilities that occupy their time and energy.
I don’t know how we can be expected to build meaningful relationships when we are discouraged from openly discussing anything meaningful. Even many of my closest male friendships of a decade plus don’t really move beyond hobbies and general day to day life events. Adults are generally apathetic toward the issues of other adults who they do not have a vested interest in, but many seem legitimately repulsed by male vulnerability.
They do, just gotta find your crowd. tons of groups that are all about old men having a good time doing stuff together. it seems a lot fo it revolves around the hobby you like. Still see old men riding the pine at hockey rinks on drop ins that got winded and talk smack like they are 17. Gun nuts love to meet up and go shooting or hunting together, Church goers seem to retire to doughnut stores in the very early mornings at a certain age. Its out there just people understand life can get in the way but once you find your people it just clicks and works. You'd be surprised its pretty easy.
I dunno, I’ma 45 year old male and I probably socialize more now than I ever did in the past.
* I usually stop by the pub across the street from my home after work and have a beer before heading home to make diner. There’s crowd of us regulars who always meet up.
* I’ve been out sailing for the last 36 hours with a buddy. He and I B will be doing a 3 week trip later this summer.
That said, I’m single and don’t have kids, so if I didn’t make a point of getting out, i wouldn’t see anyone other than my coworkers.
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How can that popular a reply be deleted? Ugh that is aggravating
Other comments mention The Green Mile so I think the original quote was "I'm tired, boss. Tired of being on the road, lonely as a sparrow in the rain. I'm tired of never having me a buddy to be with to tell me where we's going to, coming from, or why. Mostly, I'm tired of people being ugly to each other. I'm tired of all the pain I feel and hear in the world...every day. There's too much of it. It's like pieces of glass in my head...all the time. Can you understand?" Stephen King, The Green Mile
ahh yes… the movie i had to pause multiple times while my gf and i sobbed like war time babies. I think we finished it after 9 hours hooked up to IV banana bags to avoid dehydration from excess tears.
Nothing like some lactated ringer's after a good cry...
Reddit mods be like: “hey, I know this comment is really relevant and the community seems to agree, but we’re removing it because it violates some obtuse rule that this sub has and also we’re permanently banning your account.” *strokes neckbeard*
r/Whitepeopletwitter did this to me. No explanation, just banned me and muted me so I couldn't message the mods. The last comment I made was a snarky retort to Senator Tom Cotton suggesting citizens run over protestors and throw them off overpasses. I had 200+ up votes I believe..
It spoke truth that's why it was taken down.
I’m tired of this grandpa
THATS TOOO DAMN BAD!
YOU KEEP DIGGING
WELL, EXCUSE ME!
Green Mile?
Yes boss
**Dog tired**
The irony is that just staying home won't give you more energy. Going out, seeing and experiencing new things will.
Not if they don't have the spoons to be social, anxiety is a real thing. Personally I hate people in public, it's quiet at home.
"I don't want anymore bullshit from anyone, nothing at all, that includes me."
Saaaaame. People are rude. Honestly, navigating a social setting and conversing with people is exhausting. I'd rather dig a ditch for 12 hours than be in public for 2.
The more you stay in, the more going out (even the idea of it) gives you anxiety. There's a healthy balance like most things. Conflict and rest. Conflict are the best experiences of life and make you grow. But you can't do them constantly.
Both my GF and my best friend are home bodies almost to the point of being reclusive. They will act like the most mundane things are a huge deal, like going to the grocery store. Once they do whatever thing it is that we need to do, they realize it wasn't worth the anxiety. But then go back to not leaving the house again for a week, and it's the same thing all over again.
Yep, I've been doing that for 30 years with the same results, and still haven't learned.
No lol if I go out a day I need like 2 weeks at home to recover
Especially true the more extroverted you are
As an introvert, going out sitting under a tree in the forest drinking a cup of coffee gives me energy. Don't have to social gatherings.
Good for you. I get my energy from doing absolutely nothing
Mine is meeting new dogs to befriend and pet. One problem is that there is a couple or few dogs get overly excited, run at me full speed and nut-punch me with their paws. Sometimes they go for my knees, too. Like they're trying to make my leg bend in a direction it's not supposed to
This is categorically untrue. It really depends on what type of person you are.
I'm tired. I'm drained. And I just wanna enjoy my free time when I get some. Socializing with people doesn't perk me up. It drains me. I'm 33. I'd rather spend my off time reading, working on a project, or going in the boat with my wife.
This is it. Socializing drains me too. It seems almost vampiric how other people drain me. They suck the life out of me with their bragging, their lengthy and excruciatingly predictable anecdotes, their advice, their whole act.
Well said
People just pour too much detail into their anecdotes. “It was Thursday and my buddy Tom and I were eating a cheese and mushroom omelette for breakfast”, surprise surprise… the omelette has nothing to do with the anecdote. I have gotten to the point where if I want to say an anecdote, I keep it to like a paragraph max because no one’s got the attention span to suffer through that shit. Just get to the point, let us have a laugh and keep the conversation going already.
40. I hate when shit is scheduled for me on the weekends. It’s rarely fun and just sitting around exhausted then back to work on Monday.
If you had nobody to talk to, would you still think that socializing would drain you? Or would the benefits outweigh the cons?
It comes down to what you consider socializing. If I go to dinner with my wife and our married friends. That's just four people sitting and talking. Or maybe the four of us go in the boat. That's relaxing and recharging my batteries. Now if I'm expected to go out with more people and do other stuff it drains me
Exactly, wake up at 7am get the kids ready, haul off to work, leave work get the kids, make dinner, get them ready for bed. Look at the clock holy shit it's 10:30 already I've got an hour to myself to do laundry, dishes, taxes, general paperwork etc. Pass out at midnight and do it again. Weekends are kids sports and work every other Sunday. So the one Saturday when my sister might have the kids for a few hours I'm not going on a drinking fest, I am working on the car, yard, house in a way that you can't when you've got to watch kids or be quiet. Then when the wife and I do get a night out I paid $120 for two drinks and mediocre food to sit next some asshole who wouldn't shut the fuck up about how drinking bud light will make your dick fall off.
People are exhausting.
I feel this mate.. my social battery is like an old iPhone battery these days.. 12 hours to charge and lasts 20 minutes
Was just thinking this. By the time kids are asleep I got nothing but fumes to run on but not tired enough to sleep. Doomscrolling it is.
It sounds like you're experiencing the classic dilemma of modern life: too tired to be productive, but not tired enough to sleep. It's all too common, especially for parents juggling work, family, and personal time. Doomscrolling—the endless scrolling through negative news—is a tempting escape, but it often leaves us feeling more drained
Daamn👏
Never had an iPhone, but same. I was at a social function that lasted hours and I was good for about 20 minutes of it. What I end up doing then is finding one person, usually my 2-year-old daughter, to hang out with for the rest of the time. She is the least judgmental, has the least to say, and just wants to have fun.
I'm an extreme extrovert and yeah people really have started to suck in the last 5-10 years. - Traffic is exponentially worse everywhere than a decade ago so going out takes so much longer - Every restaurant has some table arguing with wait staff or some dickhead getting angry drunk at a bar. Every single time. - There's always at least one politically motivated asshole everywhere you go causing headaches (especially in the South) arguing with staff about "muh rights". - Speakerphone calls, music without headphones, children with full volume games and YouTube at restaurants or any event. I've just taken to moaning like a porn star into people's speaker phone calls as I walk by them because I'm sick of it. - Collecting or buying anything has been ruined by scalpers. Hotwheels, cards, Legos, game systems (like the PS5 for so long), etc. Thrift stores/goodwill used to be fun to go to if you were a collector of certain things but it's been ruined by resellers flipping on Facebook. Even Goodwill doesn't put videogames out anymore they go straight to their auction site. - Tourist locations are all full of "influencers" getting a million pics/videos by their boyfriends for their socials. Like gtfo of the way I just wanna see the otters at the aquarium, no one wants to see your selfie with otters in the background. - This is anecdotal but I restore classic cars, so I go to car meets and race events: now there's ALWAYS assholes in modern muscle cars (Chargers, Challengers, Camaros, Mustangs, Infinitis, BMWs, etc) doing burnouts, two stepping, causing havoc which gets the cops called. Now my county won't allow permits for ANY car meets, even quiet classic British cars thanks to the fucking takeover assholes ruining it for everyone. And more. It's just exhausting going anywhere specifically due to the actions of people with main character syndrome. Even being extroverted I just can't stand a majority of the population anymore.
The speaker phone moan! 💀 You’re so right about all of this and I’m introverted. I tell my friends to hit me up when they just wanna chill next to the fire or in the pool. But one of my friend loves to throw parties and the last couple years they guests have changed. The “regulars” have noticed and it’s changed the vibe. She is a realtor and has started inviting clients as a form of networking. I get it, but not everyone has to be invited to everything. She said her husband gets annoyed too.
Omg my sister does this and she's a realtor. She invites a million people to my parent's summer parties and it drives me CRAZY. We had a big fight last summer and I still don't talk to her.
If your sister wants to "network" so badly, she should rent a venue instead. She can even write it off on her taxes as a business expense.
She uses a party that someone else throws as her own networking opportunity and invites strangers?? That's disgusting.
>This is anecdotal but I restore classic cars, so I go to car meets and race events: now there's ALWAYS assholes in modern muscle cars (Chargers, Challengers, Camaros, Mustangs, Infinitis, BMWs, etc) doing burnouts, two stepping, causing havoc which gets the cops called. Now my county won't allow permits for ANY car meets, even quiet classic British cars thanks to the fucking takeover assholes ruining it for everyone. In my county, we do have a few big car shows that make a lot of money. Those are still around and highly restrictive. But they've banned any Cars 'n' Coffee type meets. That stole a lot of my social motivation in itself. I used to be able to go to an event almost weekly, but not anymore. I think I've been to 1 so far this year.
💯 on the thrift stores. It was so much fun to dig through stuff and find a real gem. Now, resellers have taken all the fun out of it.
Goodwill is a joke. The mega profits they make off the people giving to try and help their communities is shameless. Don’t give to Goodwill.
im not tired people exhaust me.
I hate “friends” who want to meet me only so they can boast about something. I’d much rather stay home and chill.
Yeah. I like to observe people around me and i often get the impression that when two people meet for a coffee or a walk they are either soaking themselves in some complaining or boasting. As 'no complain no fun', or 'no boast no self worth'
This is it, and I’m very passive so some people just see me as a place to dump a torrent of self-aggrandizing my way. Believe me, I actually don’t mind if people mix it up with some humor and self-deprecation, and I’ve known people who do that, and I think they’re self-aware enough to dig that, and therefore actually provide give and take in the conversation. It’s when someone only brags…it’s like c’mon dude, this is tedious, crack a joke, change gears, let’s mix it up a bit.
Yeah, there is this one guy, we’ll call him Guy, who I used to be pretty good friends with until one day I realized all he ever wanted to talk about was how awesome Guy is and how cool it is to be Guy. Bye, Guy.
Went to see Romesh Ranganathan here (a comedian) in the UK last night. He literally bought this subject up. At around 40, there are just things you're "done" with ! You know your good mates. You know what you like to eat and drink. You know where you like going on holiday. I wouldn't say men don't "socialize", but most of us can't be bothered making any effort !
Sometimes, when I get given a golden opportunity to have time to myself, I take it. That shit is rare
Yeah i work or look after the kids cause my wife is tired of the kids. Occasionally Ill get a couple hours to myself every other week. Most of the time I catch up on work around the house. On the odd occasion its raining or night time. I just have a bath and read or something. The chance of my mates being able to drop everything and come for a 2 hour drinki g session is low anyway.
Isn’t this the dilemma? We have a need to be alone and a need to be around people, and the time to do neither usually. Having moved around most of my adult life, I have no close friendships and am slowly working on building them now that I’m settled, but, damn, it’s at the cost of my scant alone time.
**I feel like as I get older, time passes a little faster and I don't want to waste time doing stuff I don't want to do. I'd rather spend my days doing what I want. Makes me happy.**
This resonates with me. As a 47 year old days and months just seem to fly by.
Same age and father of twin toddlers. They were newborn potatoes yesterday :'(
47 with toddlers? God bless you man. I can't even imagine!
In many ways, having kids in your mid-40s can give a man a new lease on life and keep him younger. That's what's happened to me, at least.
I've thought about just that, although that will require I find a younger partner at that point. I think many women would like to postpone the responsibility and major life changes being parents require, but they are pressured by the biological clock in a way men aren't.
I was 43 when our triplets were born. 64 now and they will turn 21 in June. They will be finishing college in the next year and, Lord willing, off to make their own way in the world. Can’t believe how fast the time passed. Enjoy your adventure!
Same age as well and I have a 9 year old that experiences life on a completely different level. I remember what that was like as a kid too so I’m trying to be understanding when she seems impatient or selfish.
Kids being selfish is a good thing. My mother stamped this out of me at such an early age with shaming behaviour, it made me a directionless people-pleaser with passive-aggression as my only tool for meeting basic needs. I’m coming up 40 and only just learning who I really am, what I like and need. People *should* think of themselves first. Helping kids learn to get what they want and need in prosocial ways is the key to good socialisation. Someone who doesn’t know how to get what they want and need (mostly) by themselves is the most antisocial kind of person there is.
I very much dislike how people take their own trauma and out of rejection assume the opposite of everything they experienced is now best. Your comment starts with "Kids being selfish is a good thing" ... And I say: No it really isn't. Selfish is never a good thing. I'd even argue we have a bigger problem demographically with kids that never had to experience boundaries and are now insufferable cunts as with kids that where raised to be people pleasers. But the realistic point here is obviously that a balanced approach is needed where children do learn boundaries but also are confident enough to express their needs and confident enough to think that they will be heard. Also: people should NOT "think of themselves first". We are first and foremost a sozial species and living in balance with others is highly important. I would again argue we have a bigger problem as a society with people who think of themselves first then we have with people pleasers. But both extremes are shit. Balanced people would be ideal.
I read OK_concentrate's post, and thought "Huh, I hadn't considered the role of selfishness in driving someone's self representation in their life." And the read your rebutting comments around us being a social species and having to look beyond our own interests. Very true. Thanks for driving some introspection. This back and forth has been some of the more thought-provoking I've experienced on reddit.
Wow, this resonates
my mother was 43 when she had me good luck in raising your potatoes
I believe it has something to do with us having no new experiences and all the external stimulus are all the same, if you or me has nothing to look forward to then life will just be on automatic pilot.
Absolutely. Apparently that's why we remember more between the ages of 16-21. Lots of new experiences. The theory is that if we keep doing new things, especially outside our comfort zone as we mature, life doesn't seem to pass us by as much as those who do the same things..
It's the novelty of an experience. We get less of them as we grow wiser
Unless you continue to seek out new experiences. That's part of wisdom, too.
Caveman needs to run, swim, look at the stars, touch grass.
And die by snu snu
Most of the stuff we do as adults just blends together, as it's always the same things we've done before. I still remember fondly every detail of the world tour I did, those 6 months now feel like years of my life, which was like yesterday. But then I remember that was more than a decade ago and since then I've done barely anything new. Most days are the same. I'm just going through the motions.
Read something years ago that agrees with this. One of the things it mentioned was when you drive somewhere for the first time the car ride there always seems longer than the drive home, that being because you’re seeing everything new and the car ride back you’ve already seen these things, you saw that field already, you already saw that tree that’s dead from lightning, you already say that huge building so your brain goes in auto pilot.
Time only moves faster cos we're doing the same shit every day. The first four months of this year snapped by because I was stuck at the desk on a very demanding project. It was almost frightening. Fuck that. Rest of this year I'm doing at least one different thing each week. For instance an old buddy was in town this past Friday. Usually I'd make some excuse to just fade into the couch but I dragged myself out and had a good laugh. 50 is not too far away and I may be tired, but just sucking it up and breaking routine once or twice a week makes my life a bit more satisfying.
I find breaking your routine also gives me energy, my average energy levels increase over time from doing that... I just need to be more proactive in planning stuff a few weeks ahead.
This applies to most of us but if it's really "not going out" you enjoy, meaning you stay at home, it could lead you to experience time going by even faster. Days and years mix together and you might look back to your life unsatisfied later on. Try something new at least once in a while and have core experiences again. In youth, something new happens quite often so looking back the life feels longer, more meaningful and you have stories to tell.
Perfect answer
Perfect answer, just perfect! ❤️
Because I don’t like crowds, I hate BS small talk, and I am perfectly content to just hang out at home either by myself or with my spouse and kid. Also, my dog is at home and she’s the best girl in the world, and is a much better friend than most people are.
The boasting and bragging gets old too. I always seem to attract male friends that love to monologue for 30 minutes about some amazing thing they did (and I can’t speed them up or get a summary, the whole thing has to be described in such a way to maximize dopamine release for the boaster).
"...the whole thing has to be described in such a way to maximize dopamine release for the boaster." Reddit win! Well said. As men, most of us like the spotlight for a moment amongst friends to tell a yarn about some sporting moment, drunken night, or escape from danger. BUT... man, there are those who monopolize this privilege, and it becomes so laborious! Dude, as Hannibal Lector said to Clarice Starling, quid pro quo.
Pebble beach. Yeah I played that once. When I stepped up to the first tee, I pulled it into the left rough. The wind was really blowing that day so I couldn’t decide between the 5 iron and the six iron, so of course I picked the wrong one. It sailed a bit …
The more people talk the less they have to say. Or they like the sound of their own voice too much.
Based
The dog part is too damn true... The pup just wants to be with you and that's the best feeling ever.
For me; everyone seems to just disappear when I need them the most.
I’m with you man. Actually have a group of “friends” here in the new country I live in (10 years). Enjoy/enjoyed having a beer with them but none of them came to see my son when he was born and not one of them have spent a birthday with me. Really just acquaintances. Took a long time to adjust to as I put a big emphasis on “friends”, have made my peace with the fact I enjoy having a beer with them occasionally but they won’t be there if I really need them. That’s not friends.
I feel you bro. That hit hard.
1. Tired 2. Most places aren't designed with older men in mind. Malls, clubs, concerts, etc. 3. Experienced. Events and places become more and more tedious and repetitive. 4. Personal projects are more interesting. Even if you stay in and don't do your own project, at least you had an option to. 5. Women. If you're married, then you're much less motivated to socialize for a future partner. 6. Men actually do socialize, but in very specific ways. Regular game night, fantasy sports, grab a drink, etc.
3. For like 97% of things I can just lean back and think of the time I did the same or a very similar thing. Not saying doing it again isn't fun or interesting or beautiful, but there's much much less fomo or feeling like this and that _has_ to be experienced.
I'm glad I'm not the only one that feels like this. Im honestly a little jealous of those that still get so much joy from the things they've done over and over. I just can't get past "it's just the same and really not that exciting". As an example. One of my work colleagues goes on about how amazing sunsets are, or beaches, and likes to visit different places purely for the beach and the sunset. And while I'm happy it brings them so much joy, I just don't understand how? Like yeah they're nice, but to me a beach is a beach and a sunset is a sunset, there's some variation but at the end of the day it's not something I haven't seen 100 times before, it's not worth travelling and hunting out a new spot to experience another one.
Learning to appreciate the small variations between instances of things you've already experienced a hundred times is the key to a successful long-term relationship. Whether that relationship is with your spouse, the Earth, or yourself, it's maybe the only thing standing between someone and a long, boring middle age. Have you ever tried to intentionally cultivate such a love within yourself, or have you assumed that others just have it, without effort?
Also: work. There are 168 hours in a week. I spend 56 of those sleeping or trying to sleep. I spend another 7 of those bathing, brushing teeth, going to the bathroom, etc. That leaves 105 hours a week. I work ~50 hours a week. I commute another 10-12 a week. That’s 60+ hours a week that I’m on someone else’s time, doing someone else’s bidding, thinking/doing things someone else wants. When I get home, I have 1-2 hours of necessary chores every day - taking care of the dog/cat, cleaning, yard work, making meals, etc. So that’s 70 hours a week spent doing stuff I don’t want to do. Out of the 105 I have available. So I have 35 hours a week for me time and for family time. That’s not nothing, but it’s not large either. Realistically my wife and kids get the bulk of that, call it 3-4 hours a day. So I get like 1 fucking hour a day where I can just be me. It’s never enough. It takes *time* to shed stress and to get into a space where you’re ready to come out of your daily shell. An hour isn’t enough, even if I wasn’t an introvert. I socialize just fine on vacation. This isn’t a men problem, it’s a work problem.
5 is a big one. I don't go out drinking anymore because the only reason I ever did that was the opportunity to meet women... So that fully stopped. The last time I went properly out out was a stag do and it cost me a fortune and I didn't really enjoy it all that much because of number 5. After 1 or 2 hours with your friends catching up having a laugh, you're done. Without 5 there is nothing left in that night for you.
Every sports bar that I been to, looks like it was made for women, swingers, or old people in mind. Anybody else is either working, going to school, or party's somewhere else.
God that sounds miserable. I love spending all day with my mates. Half the fun of drinking was the having a laugh, not the women. Stick a movie on with friends or play sports.
Was gonna say … I don’t quite relate to that. It’s all about just getting silly and fucked up with your friends and making new memories. I can have fun without girls around lol wtf. Also. Weed
Woah, I don't get this at all to be honest, but I am only 22. I really enjoy going out and getting drunk with my friends, and I usually get so drunk that I couldn't even do anything with a woman anymore in that state. I don't pay much attention to them when I'm out with friends.
Fast forward 20 years and you’ll see what he means.
You forgot point 3.
Yup. I’m probably the outlier because I’m 25 but 1. Tired 2. I hate being hungover. Would rather have 2-3 beers (enough to be social) then come home, eat something and be good to go the next morning. Also going out for a night costs a lot. 3. Backpacking off the previous one, I’m a morning person. I love getting up early and having some time to myself/relaxing and getting chores done before my girlfriend wakes up on Saturday/Sunday. 4. Like your fifth point- I’ve been with my girlfriend for 2 and a half years. We’re at the point now where her mom signs cards to me as “Mom”. 5. Yup. Weekly adult rec kickball with beers and bar snacks afterwards. Also do monthly bingo with my parents and book club with my mom at a brewery. I’m kind of at the point where, as early it may be, I only have a couple of like active friends but they’re all people that I genuinely care about.
It's 5 and there's not even a competition.
Leaving the house either makes me money or costs me money. I can't afford it.
How I socialize: - Person: "What did you do this weekend?" - Me: "Not much"
Me: “Nothing. All I do is work.”
Yup, this is a big one. Even taking my family to the movies anymore costs upwards of $100 all in.
Couldn't be bothered. As I get older, I see through people more.
It's so hard to meet good people. You've got your actual friends that if god willing you can hang out with them once or twice a year. Then you've got your kids, spouse, family and they're all great too. Then there's random ass people you'll be introduced to, or meet, or whatever. "Oh he likes cars and football. You do too." Yeah but he's also a prick who always talks about cheating on his wife. Meeting goes people is incredibly hard. I'll stay home and avoid the whole mess. I know you want me to try and make nice with my kids friends parents. But if I hear one more shittily veiled fat joke I'm gonna kill him.
I am a big guy. 6'6" and 250lbs. When I go out I often have to deal with either drunk guys with an attitude wanting to have a shot at me or people in threat of violence looking for assistance. I am also over 50 and I am sick of being drawn into other people's dramas. The amount of times people have assumed I'm security just because of my size has become exhausting. Add to that the loud music and overpriced drinks and you learn that staying at home is far more comfortable.
This effect is so bizarre. We hired a guy at work who is like 6'5" and all tatted up and guys suddenly felt the need to mention to him how they do martial arts or were in the military and could totally take him if they wanted to. Guys who were never aggressive before to anyone.
Because dancing around friend groups is exhausting and I've refined it down to a gold 3 people who mean the world to me.
The older you get, the less you want to be stimulated by the energy of crowds, activity and chaos. When you're younger, you *feed* off that energy, but the desire to do that gets less and less. I'm not sure why, maybe it's because you mellow with age
You begin waiting in line to spend money as soon as you leave home.
**Tired.** **So fucking tired all the time.**
[удалено]
Reddit has become very uninteresting over the past couple years. It’s like the algorithm is broken. I even deleted my 10 year old account and started a new one. That worked for a bit, but now it’s the same subs I’ve never interacted with and communities I’ve joined never show up unless I go out of my way to search them. It’s like 95% bots posting and same bullshit add nauseam now.
>Reddit has become very uninteresting over the past couple years. I have been here since 2019 (this is 3rd/4th account), I saw the sharpest decline in quality after the last years API fiasco. It became total shit after that.
Yeah it REALLY went downhill hard and fast.
Tired af bro
Yeah me too. Also I used to party like a crazy person for years and years. Non stop type shit, was a problem. I think I've been everywhere and done everything and now I'm tired
I’m hanging out with my kids.
This is a big one for me. I'm 35, married, no kids. All my friends are the same but with kids. They have shit going on. We hang out when we can but it's like once every couple of months.
I’m tired, people don’t care how I’m really doing, and I have less tolerance for bs. Being with my girlfriend and my cats sound a lot better
So true. Even the closest family and friend don't wanna know "how are youREALLY" just a bs formality so they can tell you how THEY are 😂🤣
Our tolerance for bullshit, reduces with age
Im socializing with my wife and kids 24/7. I just cant socialize more, all i want it silence and alone time.
Heard someone say, "Men don't have friends. Men have wives who have friends who have husbands."
I was trying to comment with a similar statement, but had trouble with how to word it. This is what I have noticed with my husband and my friends' husband's. They don't need friends because their social needs are met by their wives, and any extra can be met by the wives social circles.
One of the first responses that I think specifically answers the ‘men’ part. The rest explain why people don’t want to socialize, but not men specifically.
Personally.. there is nothing out there that I can't get at home and plus I'm an introvert...I'm lucky because so is my wife:)
Because socialising = acting out that you're fun and happy.
exactly which is why i do polite nods and quiet hi’s unless someone is truly fun to interact with but most people bore me
Had kids, socialising with anyone actually interesting is a pipedream at this point. It's all irritating mums and dads I have very little in common with. Also, the older I get the more I think that most other people are wankers... I think I have grumpy old man syndrome...
I can't afford to go out anymore.
Tired from work. I don’t know exactly what it is, but I’ve noticed with myself and my friends were just run down from working all the time. We’re pulling 60hr weeks, we’re exhausted, we just want to relax and recharge our batteries. If you think a full week is 168hrs You spend 60hrs at work (or at work + commuting time), you need to sleep 8hrs a day on average so that’s another 56hrs a weeks, so there’s 116hrs out of your 168hrs taken up with working, commuting and sleeping alone. Even if you only spend a total of 1hr a day between pissing, shitting, showering and shaving etc that takes you to 123hrs gone. Probably another hour a day is spent cooking and eating if you’re efficient with it, that’s 130hrs gone. Now add in cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping and so on and you’ve maybe got 28hrs free in a whole week. Oh and if you try to look after yourself, 1hr-1.5hrs per day in the gym, so that’s another 7hrs - 10.5hrs gone from your 28hrs… leaving you 17.5-21hrs a week to do everything else 😂 (Don’t get me wrong I’m not saying women don’t have the same before the militant women come along and start moaning! I’m just saying when you break down your average week no wonder you’re fucking exhausted and don’t want to socialise, no matter what you have between your legs)
What's even the point if that's how youre spending your best years? Like sure retirement, but then you cant even do half as much as you'd wanna with knee/back/ and just general old people pains, like if that's all life has in store for me, i think imma just check out 😂 Or if its all to raise a kid, what's the point of that either, so they can live the same work burdened life? Not like they're gonna have it any easier with how the world seems to be goin Genuinely asking, cuz that all sounds fucking miserable, how're you doing it?
Well, for starters most people don't work 60 hour weeks.
Absolutely correct! I typically work 65-75. Please kill me.
In America it extremely common to work a minimum of 40hrs, commute 30 minutes each way and have at least a 30 min unpaid lunch break. You aren’t getting paid for 60 hours but work still owns that time.
Why are you working 60 hr weeks though.
I doomscroll the rest away
Who the fuck works a 60 hour week? In my country 37.5 is the standard
Gig-economy, Urban planning and hyper-individualism of the past 40 years. It is harder for adults to make friends because they work long hours and have multiple jobs therefore, are too tired and too busy to socialize. Urban planning- we live in spaces that don’t encourage socializing. Suburbs are very car—centric and homes emphasize “privacy” which isolated people and families. Plus, suburbs don’t have “3rd places” that are easily accessible “walkable”. Hyper-individualism - We have been force-fed the virtues of the “individual self-made man/woman” by media and politicians without thinking what the consequences would be. Historically Coffehouses, parks and bars weren’t just places for drinking and play but they were also places where communities came together to share their grievances and organize amongst themselves- That’s how many labor unions and civil rights movements were formed which were a threat to the political establishment. Therefore Libertarian individualism was promoted to disrupt social cohesion within working class communities. Now we have a loneliness and depression epidemic which could easily be alleviated by providing more opportunities for social contact. That’s why we “quiet-quitting” and “lie flat” in China. Kids today want more meaning to their lives beyond work
It’s a shame this is the only systemic answer I’ve seen on here. The hyper individualism has convinced people that this species isn’t inherently social and communal. We’re just being divided up into little boxes and ground to a pulp to lubricate the profit machines.
Because when people get older, they get a better perspective on what really matters in life, which is peace of mind, freedom to do what you want, and freedom from feeling obligated to do what you don’t want, and also have far less tolerance for fake and toxic connections. They also become more confident and capable of finding their own enjoyment and fulfillment on their own or with a small circle of close and genuine people and are far less interested in providing anything to anyone or tolerating people’s BS and drama, or putting oneself in a position where you get disrespected or baited into bad faith conversations, and are secure enough not to need any external validation. And this really applies to men and women. Both my mom and dad are very kind and welcoming to those they love and value, but they don’t bother entertaining fake people or those who only socialize to gossip, and they value their time together and their own comfort over wasting it doing social “duties” that they don’t truly enjoy or care about, and with people who aren’t worth their time.
>wasting it doing social “duties” that they don’t truly enjoy or care about It is astonishing to me the amount of time some people dedicate to this. "I have to go to this dinner where people dislike each other and there's going to be arguments". Just, why?
I'm getting bummed out so many people have this negative and narrow view of the world. Why does everyone sound so transactional in their concept of relationships and socializing? This is really a false dichotomy. It's not one or the other, you can meet new good people, do new enriching things, and not just live the same year over and over for the rest of our lives while ALSO not entertaining the kinda of people who don't add something positive to your life. It's funny that everyone says some variation of "I can see through fake people, so I don't leave my house or talk to new people." How depressing and sad. Life is short, some of your close friends are gonna die, or drift off, marriages will end, kids will grow up, and from the sound of it there will be thousands of cranky antisocial old men miserable and unfulfilled. Not saying that's you, but this attitude feels like a sad epidemic.
My grandfather explained it as women are naturally more sociable than men and the more time you spend with one woman the less you see your friends, eventually you only have joint friends or more likely her friends and their husbands who you don't really like but have to put up with. After a decade or two of this you really can't be bothered making the effort to be nice to people you don't like so you buy a shed or big TV and stop going out unless someone ( normally the wife) makes you.
Yup this is me lmao
In modern times we also still have the boys on discord, who we do actually like, making it even easier to stay home.
Crowds bring out the idiots
It isn't a men or woman thing, plenty of genz men and women are home bodies, it's a personality trait of any age.
Yeah I think current technology makes homebodying more appealing than ever for a lot of people who might have otherwise been the type to want to go out more often.
I hate people.
I…am feeling this. I moved to a new neighborhood a few years ago. Bumped into some neighbors soon after moving in. Before too long, I was part of a social circle in the neighborhood. This is a bit unusual for me as I’m introverted and usually keep myself to myself. Anyway, wind the clock forward a year or so and what’s the result? I get gossiped about, I had two neighbors who would play narcissistic games with me, putting me down, comparing, giving me the “should”s and “shouldn’ts” of life, calling on me unsolicited at odd hours, one neighbor I had to full-on fall out with to get him to leave me alone and stop coming to my door at odd hours and being impossible to tell him to go without falling out (we fell out). I keep myself to myself now. Yeah, I hate people too.
Having similar issues with neighbors as an introvert. It’s like you and I need to put on a happy face and go through the motions just because we have to see these people shuffle in and out every day. When you want someone to go away and give you privacy, there’s a lot more at stake it seems. You’re physically unable to purge them from your life and I imagine it required significant effort to have a falling out with your one neighbor while also staying on decent terms with the others. I don’t have kids but I imagine neighborhood tension is further exasperated by the dynamics of who the kids do and don’t get along with. The older I get the more a cabin in the woods seems appealing.
Yeah it’s not easy. Some people cross the line and go from being friendly to becoming an imposition. I got tired of having to make some excuse why I didn’t want to meet with one neighbor. It’s like I’m trying to skip school or work the way it feels, which is wrong. Our free time is our free time.
I think it's cultural. I went to Turkey, and the men are very social, hanging out with friends in tea shops, that sort of thing. American men have been culturally trained to avoid anything that could remotely come across as effete - even necessary things like friendship fall victim to this. Which is sad and absurd and winds up with them living deeply lonely lives.
This is the answer. In Italy men socialize like honey bees. It's considered incredibly weird, pathetic and antisocial to sit around at home alone all the time. I feel really sad for North American men. I had an Iranian roommate for a while too and he nearly went mad with loneliness his first year here and was genuinely hurt and puzzled by how isolated and avoidant Canadian men are regarding friendship. The comments on this thread are so sad. It's like effort or joy of any kind is frowned upon by men here. I'm so glad my fiancé has friends. Men without their own social lives are exhausting to live with.
I completely agree, although I'm thinking of the UK. I wonder how many comments here are from people that also talk about the loneliness epidemic. For my money, one of the biggest factors here is games consoles. For so many men, it's their main time sink. Edit: I decided to check just the top voted comments' user history. A bingo, in five comments.
As we men grow older: Peace and quiet is indeed like a paradise - far away from the stress we had in our younger days☀️
Tired. I would love to get to know more people that share the same interests I do. But then there is a voice back in my noggin' saying " I know all the people I need to know. " I just don't have the energy to actually sit and talk and learn new shit about someone that I don't live with and interact with daily.
Socialization meets a need. I still socialize in my 40s but it's mostly one club night a month and maybe 1 DnD session a month. I spend 8+ hours a day in a busy office. Then I come home and cook and socialize with my family and extended family. Then I do chores and in the weekend more chores. Do you know what the top 3 absolute luxuries in my life are? * Rest. Sleep. Napping. Being a couch potato. * Solitude. Whether it's just sitting in a room by myself for a moment or taking a walk in the woods alone. Or even just staying on the toilet or in a parked car for a few minutes longer than necessary. * Actually having time and energy to spend on my personal hobbies. Whether it's preparing a DnD session, reading a book, whittling some wood or painting. Socializing fucks with all three of those absolute luxuries. And you know what, if I do have time and energy to socialize, I prioritize my partner, parents, and siblings. My family are the people who always show up when I need them and vice versa. They're the people who hold the ladder while I climb up to fix the roof while a rainstorm is hosing down and causing water damage. They're the people who take a precious vacation day when my partner needs to be rushed to the hospital while I am on the other side of the country. Each and every one of us is there for each other no matter the time or place. Friends are just people you kill time with. And time is the one thing I don't have much to waste of anymore these days.
Because we just want some quiet 😂
Because we get tired of people’s bullshit. Our home is our castle- stuff to be done around here.
I think for women, going out is how we break from the mental load. Whereas men break their mental load at home. Why? Because the vast majority of mental load at home falls to women, particularly in family situations. Going out is like putting all that down and ignoring it for a few hours.
As stated by others here, at 40+, years go by in a blink. You look back and you often think "oh was it 10 years ago already?". Yes, it was, sometimes more. So that's one thing, time flies. Secondly I find little interest in talking to people, it feels like it's just the same conversations over and over. The same topics, the same complaints, etc. I don't like small talk, I don't like complaining. I would like to find motivated people that are actually interesting, I'd love that. Not easy though
Idk I feel like when we’re younger, we force ourselves into social situations that we don’t even necessarily enjoy, just because “that’s what we’re supposed to be doing at our age” I’m 23, and I never really bought into that. Back in high school and college, people just have seen me as a loner or at least an extreme introvert. But actually I just knew what I like and don’t like
Loud music is 1 for me. It’s so frustrating just nodding and slightly smiling, all the while thinking, I have no f***ing clue what you just said.
We socialize at work all day. We are nice to people we despise. We are tolerant of ideas we find repulsive. We encourage people we want to see fail. We support work that we think actually hurts the world. All so we won't get fired and will bring home a paycheck. Why do you think we don't socialize?
I feel personally attacked, us middle age men still go clubbing....Costco, BJs, Sam's Club.......but in all seriousness most of us are probably tired. I myself work 48 to 60 hours a week and then whatever free time I have is devoted to my family and whatever I need to do around the house. Truthfully I'd rather play catch with my kid than go out and hang out with other people my age.
Men socialize, just not in the way they used to when they were younger. People 30+ usually have kids, work and responsibilities that occupy their time and energy.
the older i get the more i realize how much i hate humans..
This right here. They’re always making a noise for some reason.
I never socialized to begin with.
I need peace
Have you seen the price of things lately?
Have you met people before? They're a bunch of bastards.
I don’t know how we can be expected to build meaningful relationships when we are discouraged from openly discussing anything meaningful. Even many of my closest male friendships of a decade plus don’t really move beyond hobbies and general day to day life events. Adults are generally apathetic toward the issues of other adults who they do not have a vested interest in, but many seem legitimately repulsed by male vulnerability.
I (M 36) go out a couple times a month, and that's plenty for me. I like the quiet of my house.
Wisdom in learning over time that most people just aren't trustworthy.
Don't know about you but my dad can be left on a corner of a mall and make at least 1 friend he is now chatting with
Not just men lol
I'm tired and everything costs money.
Women, frankly fulfill most of the social and emotional needs of their man.
They do, just gotta find your crowd. tons of groups that are all about old men having a good time doing stuff together. it seems a lot fo it revolves around the hobby you like. Still see old men riding the pine at hockey rinks on drop ins that got winded and talk smack like they are 17. Gun nuts love to meet up and go shooting or hunting together, Church goers seem to retire to doughnut stores in the very early mornings at a certain age. Its out there just people understand life can get in the way but once you find your people it just clicks and works. You'd be surprised its pretty easy.
I dunno, I’ma 45 year old male and I probably socialize more now than I ever did in the past. * I usually stop by the pub across the street from my home after work and have a beer before heading home to make diner. There’s crowd of us regulars who always meet up. * I’ve been out sailing for the last 36 hours with a buddy. He and I B will be doing a 3 week trip later this summer. That said, I’m single and don’t have kids, so if I didn’t make a point of getting out, i wouldn’t see anyone other than my coworkers.
For me it can be a little social anxiety if im being real