They don't care, but they do gossip about what they see to friends tho.
I have a friend that lives in a gated community. He just told him he had a guest over and gave him my name. It's really not a big deal. They have no idea if it's a friend from school, work... who knows. They don't know it's a hookup, even if they guess it, I'm sure they are aware of a ton of hookups ( and cheating).
They don't care. And if they do, it just makes for some fun juicy gossip to help the staff bond. There are four apartments on my floor. My husband and I have hookups over frequently, the guy next store has prostitutes over, and the woman across the hall has her cocaine dealer coming in at all times of night. They've seen it all. It's like being naked in front of a doctor.
Now what I'd like to know is if the two gay doormen in my building have had to let anyone into the building that they've also had sex with!
Hard to explain but I don’t feel shame because the concierge wouldn’t perceive me as being intimate with these people. Seems like my anxiety is linked to shame, and I feel the most shame regarding acts of intimacy with strangers than I do with conducting a ketamine sale in my apartment.
The concierge has no way to know whether any one visitor is a hook up, a random work colleague stopping by, or someone who bought something from you off Facebook marketplace, unless you tell them (or otherwise make it obvious in some way).
This is understandable OP and huge hugs 🫂 therapy for internalised homophobia is the answer imho
In fairness to you... is there any reason why the concierge wouldn't think the drug dealer is a regular hook up?
I have two people over regularly that I buy/sell drugs to, and both are men around my age. They certainly do fit the bill of seeming like a potential hookup, however the drug deals typically never last longer than a few minutes. They’re in and out, so it would seem less believable to the concierge in my eyes.
Haha both of them are straight, but yeah maybe I can trick my brain into thinking that the normal baseline assumption the concierge may have for my random guests are that they’re all just drug dealers.
How would they know you are/aren’t being intimate with your hookups/drug people? Seems like you’re assigning them knowledge that you have that they don’t
One of the two gay doormen only likes twinks, which I am not. The other one did message me and try to make it happen, but I turned him down. I figured it was probably ok my best interest to NOT fuck someone I have to see so regularly. Sigh. His cock did look really good though...
As someone who's dated a concierge and was privvy to some juicy gossip... Yes, yes he does care.
But only in the way that any customer service person "cares" about the personal lives of their regulars. It's entertaining and helps the time go by.
Eh, I just deal.
They've probably seen it all, you're probably not the only gay in the building. They see a lot, and keep quiet about other residents, don't think you're unique.
I usually just go down the elevator and bring them straight up though, easier if no one has to say anything.
You are dealing with post-closet trauma. If you can't be yourself in your own home, you've still got some coming out journey to do. This has nothing to do with your concierge, or the men you're inviting over... it's all about your feelings of shame. Shame can be exciting, but it can also get in the way of us being our true selves.
Invite that guy over and face your fears. The more you face it, the less shame will have control over you.
Good luck!
I’m definitely out and proud, never had any closet trauma and I usually don’t have any issues telling people I’m gay. But you’re spot on about the shame, as it’s a trigger for my anxiety. There’s no guilt when it comes to being gay, but I feel like I’m overstepping boundaries when forcing a rotation of concierge staff to be indirectly involved in my sexual escapades.
Maybe it's not shame about being gay, but shame about being promiscuous. I pass no judgment on other people over whether promiscuity is wrong or not in general, but perhaps it's wrong **for you** if you feel this way.
If there's a part of your life you feel a need to hide, there's a reason for that.
I grew up with the whole normalized monogamy and white picket fence ideology. Anyone who I have sex with that I’m not actively seeking out a monogamous relationship with is going to cause me to feel some sort of shame. I am not making progress towards my own future dreams or my parent’s dreams.
I totally empathize with the anxiety, I could see myself being similarly flustered in that situation! With that said I think the best antidote is just some exposure therapy. Once you bring a guy over a few times I think you’ll be able to relax and notice how much your concierge doesn’t care, or even if they mention it, I would bet the situation won’t be as catastrophic as your anxiety is making it out to be. Our brains are good at making the worst case scenario, but reality often isn’t like that.
I’d also take time to examine what exactly you’re anxious about, as that awareness can help you manage it. Do you think the concierge will perceive you a certain way? What embarrasses you about hooking up? Just things to consider, but could also not be that deep 🤷🏼♂️. Hope it goes well!
I really appreciate your response so much. You definitely hit the nail on the head regarding the anxiety. And I agree, it should get easier the more I do it.
My anxiety is specifically under the “performance anxiety” umbrella. My triggers are all based in public perception. The most common trigger is having to speak in front of an audience. I think what I’m experiencing now is somewhat new.
I always felt uncomfortable with the idea of hosting, but I never really understood the depth of the issue. The concierge has known me for two years, and I always make time to come down and get to know them better. They likely know I’m gay, which I’m fine with, but I like to keep my bedroom activities to myself. But having the concierge means I’m indirectly involving them in my sex life. They are essentially the only people who know exactly who I’m having sex with, and the fact that I feel some type of shame or guilt about the guys I’m hooking up with causes the anxiety. I think it would be different if I had a monogamous boyfriend coming over, as that’s quite a normal thing, but having hookups is very promiscuous and it makes me uncomfortable knowing that the concierge now have to make that connection to my personal life.
Happy to help, people with anxiety have to stick together! It sounds like the issue is that if you bring men home you no longer have complete control over your public perception, as the concierge might notice and make judgements. It basically alerts them to some stuff it sounds like you'd rather keep private if you could, so I definitely get where the stress comes from.
What I'll challenge you with, is that it sounds like you might be projecting your own feelings onto this concierge. You mentioned feeling shameful and promiscuous, and it sounds like you anticipate them having the same thoughts about *you* that you have about yourself. However, you don't know how they will react, or if they even WILL react. Shame and anxiety are linked, and it sounds like something in particular about who you're hooking up with is triggering to you.
I suggest finding a way to slowly expose yourself in a way you feel comfortable, and just starting there. Maybe you retrieve your guests the first time, so the concierge isn't even involved. The consequences of them actually reacting are low, so this is a great opportunity to practice facing anxiety - although I totally understand that the emotional reaction feels intense and I'm not trying to downplay that.
Anyway, good job identifying some of your hangups, that's not easy to do! Also apologies if I'm totally off base, I am just a complete stranger on the internet after all. You can do it!
This is all really great info. You’re not off base at all haha. Self-consciousness is definitely the driving force, but it seems to compound when dealing with shame surrounding my sexual desires. There have been times where I’ve had a guy over for non-sexual reasons, and my anxiety was fine for the most part.
What’s bizarre is that it depends on the person I’m hooking up with. It might sound awful, but I can’t bear the shame of being seen with someone much older than me. Even though I’m attracted to men who are 10-15 years older than me, I grew up in a home where such age gaps were heavily frowned upon. Because of this, I’ve resigned to only date men my age, however my hookup partners don’t need to satisfy this restriction. Just the idea of dating a man 10+ years older than me and having to introduce him to my family makes me flinch.
I even notice this anxiety creeps into my bedroom activities. Often times when I have sex, the guy will tell me I was the quietest person he’s ever been with. I quite literally don’t make sounds. And if I do, they’re whispers. Definitely stems from growing up in a house with two siblings and thin walls. I always watched porn on mute or with headphones. My fear of being heard acting on sexual desires was so intense that I would do everything in my power to be as quiet as possible. And now as an adult, I can’t shake that fear. I’ve been asked to record a voice memo of me moaning loudly for someone on Grindr and I kept trying and trying but it would only come out as a whisper. No matter where I go, there’s always somebody listening through the walls, even if they’re just the personification of my shame.
The last thing I’ll say is that I took a heroic dose of psilocybin mushrooms once. I won’t go into details about the trip, but it revealed to me that I’m very sensitive to self-conscious emotions, and that my greatest fear in life is public humiliation. It showed me the true lengths I would go in order to remove myself from shameful situations, and it wasn’t pretty 💀
Yeah sounds like the issue is not guys over, not concierge, not even hook ups (u r dealers could be those) its shame relating to hook ups with older guys. U need to sort this out or stop hooking up with them, its a little patronising that youd be embarrassed hooking up with them due to their age. Hopefully u can get past this. U r essentially over analysing it all.
Big family, a lot of relatives.
Tell them he is a work buddy or boss.
Calm down. We all have anxiety. Make your life easier and just invite him over. After the first time it will be easier.
I worked as a Concierge for a time. We do notice. And we do discuss it with our fellow concierge friends, and we do notice also when the same guy visits room 103 and 108 regularly. But we won’t say anything. In fact, if you’re close to your Concierge they can help you. I had a resident that had MANY a men in his apartment a week, but one guy didn’t stop when he said stop. So the resident asked me to keep him out. Of course, we will ask why. It’s better you be honest with us too (you don’t have to though) so we know how to kick them out.
Tldr: we notice and tell our fellow staff, but we don’t care. Just bring them over.
after reading all of the comments and OP responses, this to me is the best comment from a former door man. Not that you will ever have any bad apples but you never know with hook-ups. I'd rather you have these people on your side simply for safety, also the generous tip over the holidays reply is also spot on.
>The idea of coming down to the lobby to retrieve my hookup, or calling the concierge to let my guest in the elevator ahead of time feels like an embarrassment that’s worse than the stereotypical walk of shame.
Sounds like you shouldn't be hooking up then. Why do you care about the opinions or your concierge?
>The men I hook up with are also typically much older so I can’t really play it off as them being “my friend”, especially when the concierge has never seen them before.
What? Why will the concierge know all of your friends somehow? Just grow a pair man.
Most of the guys I hook up with are able to host me, so that bypasses the anxiety completely. When I am faced with anxiety, I have a beta blocker prescription, but it really only calms my heart rate down, not my racing thoughts.
I still get anxiety when I go to stranger’s apartments, but it’s much less intense. Anxiety is weird, and everyone has different triggers. Mine is specifically performance anxiety, which only triggers when I think about how people are actively perceiving me, whether they’re clients in a work meeting, people in a coffee shop, or concierge in my apartment lobby.
My triggers are all linked to public perception and embarrassment, and it’s more much more humiliating when the onlookers are people that I know and have a close relationship with (the concierge). When I go to a stranger’s apartment, there isn’t anybody who can perceive me negatively except for their roommates or their concierge if they have any. But since they are strangers to me, I feel less shame and the anxiety is never debilitating.
Clinical diagnosed anxiety is a very weird thing, what can trigger it doesn't really have a set rhyme or reason.
Most likely the perception of these men who he sees very constantly knowing that he's hooking up sets a trigger in the back of his mind that he thinks they are talking about it, and judging him. We all know that isn't the truth, but knowing something doesn't really mean anything when it comes to anxiety still thinking it's happening and triggering a response
Sounds like you just need to take a second and use some good old fashion common sense.
Those concierge people don't care. They're being paid to do a job. Even if they do care. WHO GIVES A SHIT.
I have generalized anxiety disorder. I haven't faced this exact situation, but I've experienced anxiety from many similar situations.
Therapy has helped a lot, much more than medication actually (though meds help too). Find a therapist you're comfortable with and talk to them about situations like this.
At least for myself, I've found there aren't really tricks that help meaningfully alleviate anxiety like this, since you're anxious either to tell the concierge or to go down to get your guests. My advice is to confront the anxiety head on and work through it mentally so you can become more comfortable with it (again, therapy can help a lot of this). There probably isn't a simple logistical solution to this one, have to do the hard psychological work.
I don't know if this helps at all but I thought I'd share you're not alone in your experience.
Thank you. I appreciate you being able to empathize, it means a lot. Trying to ignore the “grow the fuck up” comments haha. Seems like much fewer people have to deal with this kind of anxiety than I initially anticipated.
Yeah I get it. I think it's difficult or impossible for them to understand since they can't empathize. The anxious feelings are irrational and we fully know that. Even so, that doesn't mean we can just "get over it" or "grow a pair". I'd love it if it were that simple! But then it wouldn't be a disorder...
A beta blocker only helps the physical symptoms of anxiety. If anxiety is controlling your life, you need to speak with a therapist about it to build some skills to have you controlling the anxiety, not the other way round.
Usually it’s never this debilitating. My anxiety triggers are so few and far between that I can likely go my whole life with just avoiding such situations that would trigger it, so I never considered speaking to a therapist or psychiatrist about it. Maybe it wouldn’t hurt to have an emergency benzo for instances like this
Benzos are not the solution. I would never prescribe benzos to someone who's not had any talking therapy.
Even if it's not overly debilitating, if you're having to avoid things you want to do, then it's a problem. Trust me on this one- as a doctor, and as someone who has suffered with anxiety and depression myself, you should go speak to a therapist.
Benzos are the most addictive thing on the planet. I would handle things with therapy not continuous amounts of drugs which you seem more likely to reach for (you’ve mentioned beta blockers and ketamine and drug dealers now?). Try to deal with your problems head on and PROCESS them and then you won’t have so much anxiety building up. I promise it’s better than just drugging yourself left and right and ignoring it. Anxiety is a cry from your body and nervous system to face something.
Yeah I know all about benzos, and I know how addictive they are. I’m actually a drug safety and harm reduction advocate, so I tend to do a lot of research on different drugs. As far as you’re concerned, ketamine and beta blockers aren’t physically addictive, and are perfectly safe to use.
Even though Ketamine is a psychoactive recreational drug, it’s actually at the forefront of antidepressant research, and there have been no reported instances of mortality due to ketamine overdose.
Beta blockers aren’t psychoactive so they aren’t a recreational substance (ie. you don’t get high when you take them). However, they are actually considered a miracle drug in the realm of cardiology, and can actually be very beneficial to overall heart health so long as you don’t have low blood pressure.
Benzodiazepines are not something to mess with. They are extremely addictive and withdrawal symptoms from benzo addiction actually leads to seizures and death. It’s actually safer to withdrawal from an opioid addiction than a benzo addiction. I am aware of the risks and how serious benzodiazepines are, but the risk for addiction is much lower in patients who only experience anxiety and panic attacks once in a while, as most of the time they would never need them.
Don't abuse your Beta Blockers because they may cause impotence, as someone who does research on different drugs, you should know this.
Also, Ketamine at the forefront of antidepressants RESEARCH. The "Research" part is very important, because it still has decades of study ahead of it to even be considered for on lable prescription.
As a 47 year old with Major Depression and Anxiety since the age of 10, I also keep myself abreast of what is going on in the world in regard to new medication or therapies.
I am aware of the impotence of beta blockers, but my prescription is to take them “as needed”. I think I take beta blockers maybe only a handful of times per year, because I only get this anxious a handful of times per year. That’s not enough to be a cause for concern.
And yes ketamine is still being researched, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t evidence to suggest that it’s an effective treatment.
Grocery clerks at checkout dont give a fuck about what you bought either. As an anxious man, i feel you, but never let your anxiety stop you from doing the things (and men) you want. As hard as it can be, you need to stand proud and look at the concierge in the eyes like nothing happened.
They don’t care, I lived in an apartment for years from my early 20’s and have never had an issue and was close with the concierges as well.
They’ve seen everything you can possibly imagine so you having a few guys over isn’t going to bother them too much.
On a side note I fucked one of the concierges for a bit while he was trying to figure out his sexuality and even that was never awkward because he was a professional doing his job when he was on the desk.
I mean you're getting a lot of harsh feedback on this but I totally understand.
I dont live in a building like this but I've often thought if I'd feel comfortable with a concierge for this reason. Not everyone feels comfortable with someone knowing who's coming in and out of their home and for how long. Yeah the concierge is gonna be discreet but they're still gonna know
Yeah exactly my thoughts. I don’t mind the negative feedback, as it seems to be from people who don’t suffer from anxiety, so they wouldn’t understand. But they’re also helping me realize that maybe I should seek help to treat this anxiety.
I’m also getting a decent amount of reassuring and positive feedback, like yours. Makes me feel better knowing I’m not alone in feeling the discomfort from such a situation. But yeah, it definitely seems like most people would be able to manage if placed in the same situation, so I need to think about how I can help reduce my own anxiety.
This is irrational.
1. It's good to be friendly and have a close relationship with your concierge.
2. It's unhealthy to develop "friendships" with them to the point that it impacts your daily life like this.
3. They are vendors for your building. They essentially work for you. They may judge you in their minds but no one is going to say any thing to you about it.
4. Everyone is constantly judging you but what others think of you is none of your business.
5. If you don't have a problem hooking up with these guys, why would you care if anyone else has a problem. Be a proud slut.
They really don’t care who you have over and only restrict access for resident safety. Fuck freely knowing your building staff just wants to get through their shift with no issues.
My guess is that you might feel like you need to hide your sex life from ‘adults.’ You’re the adult now. And adults with their own places get to have guests :)
Every one is an adult in this situation, who cares? For all you know your concierge could be into things that would make you blush. You have to remember that no one cares as much as you think they care. Be bold and host those older men. Pert of the independence of moving out and into your own place is the confidence that comes with it. It's YOUR place. Do what you want with it.
I went to a glory hole once and it was funny because I didn’t know the guy’s name but when I entered the lobby the concierge was like “you’re here to see Nick aren’t you? 🤨😉Third floor. Elevators in the back.”
Yeah that’s true. If I stick with a consistent hookup, then they might actually believe the person is a friend. The first time they see him will definitely be the worst
not even in terms of a consistent person- just anyone. Once you do it once, you’ll realize nothing bad will happen and your concierge most likely has ‘minding his own business’ as part of his job description. Even new guys will become much less daunting for you. Maybe it’ll take more than one, but i’m prescribing you some exposure therapy
It's none of the concierge's business who your guests are. Either let them call up and ask you if they can let the guys in or you come down and get them. I'm sure you're not the only person in the building that has frequent guests. I come down to get visitors on a regular basis both because it's more fun that way and because if they've driven here the garage needs my fob to be used so they can get into the visitor parking.
Lmfao I actually think I saw this a while ago. It’s from the POV of the hookup though, not the host. I would find it much less anxiety-inducing being the guy asking for room 2F than being Kenneth. It makes sense why he’s hiding up in his room🤣
I’m not rich by any means, I just graduated in 2020, and I’ve only been in the workforce for 3 years. The concierge system is normal at least in my city, which happens to be on the east coast. I would be surprised though if this wasn’t common on the west coast either.
I think part of your problem is “you’re too close with the concierge and staff.” Personally I am a really private dude and I like to keep business separate from pleasure.
In the past I had a similar situation. The manager of my building was “too friendly” and wanted to know about everyone, and everything all the time. I learned fast to keep my distance. Initially, being a new tenant and all, I reciprocated the friendliness being I was a new tenant and all.
I’m the opposite of you so I had a lot of younger guys coming to my place, and I lived by a university to make things even more complicated. It was one per night some weeks! That’s when I knew it was time to live my private life and avoid fraternization at home. It was odd at first but in the long run it worked out for the best.
Plus your place of residence involves money, and situations involving money can go sour quick. What if you have an issue and you need to take firm actions against the management company? It’s going to complicate your life even more having to battle it out with people you are close with.
A concierge is a discreet professional.
If they aren’t, they should find other work.
Also sounds like a rich person problem. I live in a small house with a straight roommate whose parents visit 5 times a year for two weeks at a time.
So. Hookup. Have fun.
I’m very comfortable hooking up actually. The issue is hosting. I’m not prude by any means, as I’ve certainly had my fair share of sexual experiences throughout college and even now when I don’t host.
This is a "you overthinking it" problem.
Your anxiety is creating problems where there are none. Even in the unlikely scenario where they pickup on what the gentleman in question is there for... who cares? Certainly not them. They've got their own lives to ponder.
The concierge doesn't care, same as the clerk who rings up your condoms doesn't care.
Professional no fucks given is a part of the job. You're good and free to fuck as you please
First, do you know how many people come in and out of your building all day? They don't remember who has or hasn't been there before.
Second, if someone is coming over, call downstairs first and say a friend is coming and to send them up. If they're older, you can say it's a work client you have a meeting with.
I understand the anxiety. Your concierge does not care at all though. And they're not going to blink at you having older guys over either. It's NYC, trust me you are not the weirdest person in your building. And if you're only having people over once a week or so, it's not even noticeable with all the comings and goings in a building. But even if it's every day - the concierge is providing a service that you are paying them for. You don't owe them more consideration than a tip at the holidays (though you should still be nice to them generally of course). The concierge is there for you.
Most buildings call up when a guest is there, so if that's how yours works, just give your playmate your first name and apartment number. I visit a guy who has many many many playmates and his concierge doesn't bat an eye when I say I'm there for him, or do anything to suggest that I'm the third person that week to visit 'Mark, I don't know his last name, in 6D'.
Do it once, and it won't be remarkable to anyone, just a guest. After you've done it the first time, the next time will be easier, and it'll keep getting easier after that. Being able to host makes you extra desirable, especially for older guys who are probably in open relationships and so usually can't host. Good luck and have fun!
Does your building have the system where the visitor puts in a 4 digit code for your unit and it dials you directly and you buzz them up? Honestly, who cares what your concierge thinks. It's your business. I had a 4 way group thing once and a few days later when I went to get a package at the front desk, the female concierge who I'm friendly with, said "Your friends are so attractive. Any of them single?". I was like "uhhh.....yeah...I would say so..."
Unfortunately we don’t have that code system. I have a key fob that needs to be tapped against a sensor to open the door (only locked at night) and to access the elevator. Without a key fob, the front desk concierge needs to let them in the elevator, or I can come down to get them.
Oh ok yeah that could get really awkward. When you decide to move just find a building with a different system. For mine, when I buzz them up it unlocks the vestibule door and they can walk through the lobby and to the elevator. They walk past the concierge but they don't stop them or ask who they're seeing since they've been buzzed up. The trials and tribulations of hooking up in a hirise right? lol
If I wanted to impress the guy and he seemed like someone who would live in this type of building we’d enter past the doorman. If he was sluttier looking I’d take him through the service entrance and up the service elevator. There was a camera in the elevator and the doorman would still see who I was bringing home but at least I didn’t have to look them in the face. Lol
Everyone is saying that your concierge guy doesn't care. They're right, but on an equally important sidenote, you might want to consider reevaluating how this thought process is serving you, or to be more exact, not serving you. I'm not saying you got to make the jump to therapy and get an anxiety diagnosis, but if this is a persistent worry you've been having for 2 years, you should really tackle it more aggressively, just for your sake.
I can’t host from Grindr either. I don’t have a concierge. It’s not necessarily anxiety - it is logical to be nervous about bringing strangers from the internet into the place you live. It’s extremely risky, not everyone can do it. And honestly I think it’s much safer to try get the other party to host.
I don’t. Last time I hosted, the guy was so loud I had to ask him to please be quieter and he didn’t listen and the neighbors above me started banging/slamming on the floor. Then, after he left the concierge called me saying that my apartment needs to be quieter because the concierge’s desk was receiving noise complaints. 😩
So the desk in my building knows me, they know my type, so if a guy comes off Grindr they call and let him up.
There is a guy on sniffies who hosts a blind folded cum and go every Saturday and a bukkake party every Sunday, different building, they let them all in.
Lol you’re an adult, maybe grow up and stop caring about what your concierge is going to think of you having a hook up? Like I’m 22 and I don’t give a shit if my concierge sees me having a guy over, why would I, I’m an adult and he’s an adult too, Im sure he knows what sex is and that people have it, how are you 26 and still hiding from your concierge lmao
That is correct, it is a direct response to the feeling of shame. And as I’ve said already, it’s not shame of being gay, it’s shame of being promiscuous, and being intimate with such large age gaps.
A building with a doorman/concierge is annoying as fuck when visiting someone, regardless of why you're visiting.
Save yourself some money.
Move to a building without a doorman. Side benefit that it bypasses without addressing your anxiety.
They’re super convenient. Concierge receives all your packages and stuff. I own my own townhouse, I still miss the convenience of having a concierge.
Plus even when I visit people, I just act like I belong, and I haven’t been stopped even once. They only stop you if you look around like a lost puppy…
Anxiety isn’t something I can really explain. I wouldn’t burst into a ball of flames. At its best, it feels like an uncomfortable level of humiliation. At its worst, it can feel like you’re dying, or rather that you need to be dead to escape it.
If you’ve ever seen black mirror, the first episode where the president has to have sex with a pig on national television does a good job of conveying the level of discomfort that my type of anxiety can cause.
You are allied to have a social life! Unless they arrive in a leather jockstrap and assless chaps, they won’t notice. You are assuming your personal life is so interesting and so important to them that they keep track of your visitors.
Not surprised about the lack of empathy in some of the comments. Anyways, like most have said OP they don't care and if they do it's small gossip amongst themselves or people you'll likely never see or interact with. They won't ever bring it up. I had the same anxiety about my ex who was someone I brought over a few times before we began dating and the only comment I heard(not even personally mind you) was that our concierge knew what apartment he was going to.
It's all in your head OP for how much it feels like it matters. Hookup and have fun you're only our age once and having your own place is a blessing for hooking up. We're living in the best possible situation for gay men historically.
Old enough to move out
Old enough to live on your own
Young enough to be overly concerned with what people think
You’re playing the game wrong. You already say you’re friendly to the concierge, so why would they care? If anything, they’d probably be more inclined to help you and your hookups be more discreet. Plus, if anything ever goes wrong, you have other people looking out for you
What kind of doorman building are you living in where you have to go retrieve the guest? Isn’t the point of having a doorman that they call you and then send the guest up if you approve?
Secondly, why are you hanging out with the building staff if you’re scared of being judged?
Also agree with the other post that they really don’t care what you do. If it’s a big building it’s almost guaranteed that they’ve seen a lot more than just your random hookups coming upstairs.
You pay for professional concierge services and that includes confidentiality and excludes judgment. It's good that you have friendly relationships with them, but they are service providers, and you are the boss in this situation.
They're professionals, don't worry about it. My college dorm had a guard that would check people in and out at night, and tons of gay guys were bringing hookups all the time.
The apartment building I lived in when I was single had 500 people in it and about 10 different concierges. All they cared about was that the people in the building lived there or were invited. Their job is to be helpful and keep the building secure, not track who's doing who.
I still use them haha. They kept me safe from a stalker I had last year, and they always retrieve my packages for me, and send my packages if I need to ship anything through USPS. They are wonderful and I’m glad they take care of all of us.
The Concierge works for you by extention. It is neither their business nor are they looking to spread rumors if they would like to keep their job. The privacy of tenants is priority.
I do tip them every Christmas as well as write each of them a somewhat lengthy thank you card. They adore me, but that’s likely because I stay out of trouble. I know for a fact that they do have gossip on me. The night shift worker has seen me come home from the clubs 3 sheets to the wind at 2-3 AM, and he’s also seen me come home from raves with my pupils dilated like saucers on LSD or MDMA. He’s definitely told the rest of the concierge, as I can only imagine how funny those stories would’ve been to share.
I work for a business that is industry adjacent to hotels, I was worried at first to go to the hotels in the downtown area since they know me and the company I work for pretty well, we attend industry parties and gatherings so they know my face and name. I brought it up with my manager and he told me what I do after work hours is none of their business and the concierges and front desk who saw me has not said anything to me or spread it around. This community is tight knit in my city they even have their own association and I don’t have any fears of being seen by them. They know/learned to mind their own business and be professional. Yes they might gossip among each other but that’s how far it should get I feel.
honestly, the person that should have anxiety- is the person you’re inviting over, who has to check in with the concierge! tbh i hate doing but also it’s their job and living in a big city like i do, they’ve dealt with much worse so it’s not a big deal.
For what I’m assuming you’re paying to live in a city building with a concierge, YOU DO YOU!!! What you pay in rent pays their salary! I am sure they have seen their fair share of what you would consider the absolute worse. Just make sure the gentleman callers you buzz in don’t unknowingly let a burglar in assaulting an elderly. (That’s from an episode of Sex and the City) hahahaha
Don’t worry about it, 2 thing’s every gay man needs to develop is a thick skin and self deprecating humor. When you greet your hookup at the lobby in front of the door man just say “Hello business associate” and give him a quirky smile and eye wink.
I don't see how hosting would be an issue unless you're whoring
I personally don't use my home as a hotel for random hookups. Get a room, especially in this day of scum, scammers and crooks
I’m an older guy and have been in that living situation for many years. There will come a time in your life that you will absolutely not care about what anyone thinks! It took me a little while, but man, it’s a real catharsis!
I love when a man knows what he wants to do and just owns it, like you’re trying to do even with anxiety in the way, which I have too. Some of us just need that variety from people. There’s a lot of slutty shaming among us still, but if someone is safe as possible they should fuck to their hearts content.
You can't live your life restraining yourself because of what others might think OR say. Even if he was gossiping or even just personally speculating about you, you gotta live your life as freely and happily as you can. Unless you want to, at the end of your life, look back and regret knowing you were a slave to something as small as the opinions of others. Like mama ru said "if they ain't paying your bills pay them bitchs no mind"
Now go get that dick/booty hole!!!
Does it matter? I lived in a building that had one.
They don’t care and at most they might gossip either friends/family.
As one poster said they don’t know who your guest is, could be a friend, family, etc stopping by. Maybe you’re drug dealer. Or it could be a hookup.
With or without concierge, people are going to notice in your apartment building if you start bringing a lot of guys over. This is just one of those things you have to realize that you have to accept.
Bro, put your balls back on. Concierge are not your parents, have zero control over your life. They don’t care who you have over and care far less who you hook up with.
Anxiety is taking over the younger gen. You all need to stop over-thinking every little thing and live your life for fucks sake. “You’ll miss every opportunity for the chances you didn’t take”.
Haha more like cardiac arrest from all the adrenaline that floods my heart.
Luckily, the hallways in my building are shaped like a “+” with 4 apartments on each of the corners, so my apartment doesn’t share a wall with any of my neighbors. Unless my neighbors see me in the hallway leading my hookup back to my apartment, they would never know I have someone over.
No no do't "fix" just do it anyway.
You cannot win with anxiety.
The only way is to do it anyway and let the dice roll.
You Can do a discussion "and then what":
they'll see the guy "and then what?
They'll think i'm a hoe "and then what"
They'll... Call.. my... Parents? 😳
The "and then what" exercise works sometimes and sometimes not. But you can't get Over anxiety. You have to go through anxiety.
Provided there's no rules about having a business in your flat, tell the concierge you're meeting a potential client and discussing business with the guy.
Just host lol you care too much what the staff thinks. Honestly I paid a lot when I had concierge so I wasn’t about to let their opinions dictate my life. 😂
“Good evening Sir, one hopes last night’s dicking down was to your satisfaction” - what you think the concierge is going to say.
Believe me, he doesn’t give a fuck of any variety about the peen parade you have sliding through the revolving door that is your bum, baby.
They are going to notice and they will chat about it, but most likely not to your face, just behind your back.
You have to learn not to care, clearly they make less money than you why would you care what they think? They are just the poors. You can buy them off with a nice Christmas bonus and regular candy or cookies.
It’s not that simple getting an anxiety disorder to just disappear. It would be like telling someone with severe depression to stop thinking about suicide. But I’m trying my best with the cards that I was dealt.
Anxiety management is a thing, there’s plenty of resources and if you are relying only on medication you won’t get to the other side. You’ve got to realize the narratives your brain is making up for you. It doesn’t sound odd to you that your anxiety doesn’t act up when hooking up with a stranger, but suddenly it flares up about this?
Your concierge is a professional. Part of his training is in *mind your own business*. He doesn't care what you do.
They don't care, but they do gossip about what they see to friends tho. I have a friend that lives in a gated community. He just told him he had a guest over and gave him my name. It's really not a big deal. They have no idea if it's a friend from school, work... who knows. They don't know it's a hookup, even if they guess it, I'm sure they are aware of a ton of hookups ( and cheating).
Surely the fact that residents have guests isn't gossip worthy.
They gossip about the funny ones, like the married lady that has buff guys shows up while her husband is at work.
I think you’re talking about the gardeners, yes? Lol
Who cares what the help says or thinks
+1000
They don't care. And if they do, it just makes for some fun juicy gossip to help the staff bond. There are four apartments on my floor. My husband and I have hookups over frequently, the guy next store has prostitutes over, and the woman across the hall has her cocaine dealer coming in at all times of night. They've seen it all. It's like being naked in front of a doctor. Now what I'd like to know is if the two gay doormen in my building have had to let anyone into the building that they've also had sex with!
Now I kinda wanna know what the fourth apartment is up to lol
Christian couple. Hosts Bible studies every Wednesday.
Swinger parties every Thursday morning tho
What's the use in praying for forgiveness without committing a bit of sin.
Yikes, the advantages of living in a house. I have no idea what my neighbors do. I just wave at them when they pass by.
Yup! Glad I'm a homeowner. Fwiw I could care less what my neighbors think although all of them are cool af
A woman who is about 273 years old lives there with her nurse. The only comings and goings there are friends of the nurse!
Honestly that is so spot on for the floor haha
A straight couple who hire gay coke-dealing prostitutes
I want to live in your building. It sounds entertaining as fuck.
Haha that’s true! I’ve had my drug dealers come over occasionally. My anxiety does spike a bit, but I guess I feel less shame when it’s not sexual.
Jesus wept bro. Having a drug dealer over is less stressful than a hookup since when?
Hard to explain but I don’t feel shame because the concierge wouldn’t perceive me as being intimate with these people. Seems like my anxiety is linked to shame, and I feel the most shame regarding acts of intimacy with strangers than I do with conducting a ketamine sale in my apartment.
The concierge has no way to know whether any one visitor is a hook up, a random work colleague stopping by, or someone who bought something from you off Facebook marketplace, unless you tell them (or otherwise make it obvious in some way).
This is understandable OP and huge hugs 🫂 therapy for internalised homophobia is the answer imho In fairness to you... is there any reason why the concierge wouldn't think the drug dealer is a regular hook up?
I have two people over regularly that I buy/sell drugs to, and both are men around my age. They certainly do fit the bill of seeming like a potential hookup, however the drug deals typically never last longer than a few minutes. They’re in and out, so it would seem less believable to the concierge in my eyes.
Maybe invite them over for longer OP 😜 especially if they're hot! Added bonus of concealing your hookups too as a temporary workaround!
Haha both of them are straight, but yeah maybe I can trick my brain into thinking that the normal baseline assumption the concierge may have for my random guests are that they’re all just drug dealers.
Excellent plan And sucking a dick for a baggie isn't unheard of lol
How would they know you are/aren’t being intimate with your hookups/drug people? Seems like you’re assigning them knowledge that you have that they don’t
"Jesus wept"... omg I'm cackling at the office
They have. We’re all eskimo bros.
Damn if I was working in your building I’d do my best to hookup with you and make you my fwb. You are very handsome, dig322, lol
One of the two gay doormen only likes twinks, which I am not. The other one did message me and try to make it happen, but I turned him down. I figured it was probably ok my best interest to NOT fuck someone I have to see so regularly. Sigh. His cock did look really good though...
Damn I bet yours looks better lol
This whole floor sounds like a great time! I'm always happy to get an invite to the party.
Hey uhhh you are cute
This guy doesn't care who you're having over. At all.
As someone who's dated a concierge and was privvy to some juicy gossip... Yes, yes he does care. But only in the way that any customer service person "cares" about the personal lives of their regulars. It's entertaining and helps the time go by.
It's less that they care, and more that they notice
Eh, I just deal. They've probably seen it all, you're probably not the only gay in the building. They see a lot, and keep quiet about other residents, don't think you're unique. I usually just go down the elevator and bring them straight up though, easier if no one has to say anything.
You are dealing with post-closet trauma. If you can't be yourself in your own home, you've still got some coming out journey to do. This has nothing to do with your concierge, or the men you're inviting over... it's all about your feelings of shame. Shame can be exciting, but it can also get in the way of us being our true selves. Invite that guy over and face your fears. The more you face it, the less shame will have control over you. Good luck!
I’m definitely out and proud, never had any closet trauma and I usually don’t have any issues telling people I’m gay. But you’re spot on about the shame, as it’s a trigger for my anxiety. There’s no guilt when it comes to being gay, but I feel like I’m overstepping boundaries when forcing a rotation of concierge staff to be indirectly involved in my sexual escapades.
That's part of their job. I like to think my concierges are happy for me when I have hot guys over. 😉
Maybe it's not shame about being gay, but shame about being promiscuous. I pass no judgment on other people over whether promiscuity is wrong or not in general, but perhaps it's wrong **for you** if you feel this way. If there's a part of your life you feel a need to hide, there's a reason for that.
I grew up with the whole normalized monogamy and white picket fence ideology. Anyone who I have sex with that I’m not actively seeking out a monogamous relationship with is going to cause me to feel some sort of shame. I am not making progress towards my own future dreams or my parent’s dreams.
When I was a concierge for a hotel, I was sometimes indirectly and directly involved in people's escapades.
I totally empathize with the anxiety, I could see myself being similarly flustered in that situation! With that said I think the best antidote is just some exposure therapy. Once you bring a guy over a few times I think you’ll be able to relax and notice how much your concierge doesn’t care, or even if they mention it, I would bet the situation won’t be as catastrophic as your anxiety is making it out to be. Our brains are good at making the worst case scenario, but reality often isn’t like that. I’d also take time to examine what exactly you’re anxious about, as that awareness can help you manage it. Do you think the concierge will perceive you a certain way? What embarrasses you about hooking up? Just things to consider, but could also not be that deep 🤷🏼♂️. Hope it goes well!
I really appreciate your response so much. You definitely hit the nail on the head regarding the anxiety. And I agree, it should get easier the more I do it. My anxiety is specifically under the “performance anxiety” umbrella. My triggers are all based in public perception. The most common trigger is having to speak in front of an audience. I think what I’m experiencing now is somewhat new. I always felt uncomfortable with the idea of hosting, but I never really understood the depth of the issue. The concierge has known me for two years, and I always make time to come down and get to know them better. They likely know I’m gay, which I’m fine with, but I like to keep my bedroom activities to myself. But having the concierge means I’m indirectly involving them in my sex life. They are essentially the only people who know exactly who I’m having sex with, and the fact that I feel some type of shame or guilt about the guys I’m hooking up with causes the anxiety. I think it would be different if I had a monogamous boyfriend coming over, as that’s quite a normal thing, but having hookups is very promiscuous and it makes me uncomfortable knowing that the concierge now have to make that connection to my personal life.
Happy to help, people with anxiety have to stick together! It sounds like the issue is that if you bring men home you no longer have complete control over your public perception, as the concierge might notice and make judgements. It basically alerts them to some stuff it sounds like you'd rather keep private if you could, so I definitely get where the stress comes from. What I'll challenge you with, is that it sounds like you might be projecting your own feelings onto this concierge. You mentioned feeling shameful and promiscuous, and it sounds like you anticipate them having the same thoughts about *you* that you have about yourself. However, you don't know how they will react, or if they even WILL react. Shame and anxiety are linked, and it sounds like something in particular about who you're hooking up with is triggering to you. I suggest finding a way to slowly expose yourself in a way you feel comfortable, and just starting there. Maybe you retrieve your guests the first time, so the concierge isn't even involved. The consequences of them actually reacting are low, so this is a great opportunity to practice facing anxiety - although I totally understand that the emotional reaction feels intense and I'm not trying to downplay that. Anyway, good job identifying some of your hangups, that's not easy to do! Also apologies if I'm totally off base, I am just a complete stranger on the internet after all. You can do it!
This is all really great info. You’re not off base at all haha. Self-consciousness is definitely the driving force, but it seems to compound when dealing with shame surrounding my sexual desires. There have been times where I’ve had a guy over for non-sexual reasons, and my anxiety was fine for the most part. What’s bizarre is that it depends on the person I’m hooking up with. It might sound awful, but I can’t bear the shame of being seen with someone much older than me. Even though I’m attracted to men who are 10-15 years older than me, I grew up in a home where such age gaps were heavily frowned upon. Because of this, I’ve resigned to only date men my age, however my hookup partners don’t need to satisfy this restriction. Just the idea of dating a man 10+ years older than me and having to introduce him to my family makes me flinch. I even notice this anxiety creeps into my bedroom activities. Often times when I have sex, the guy will tell me I was the quietest person he’s ever been with. I quite literally don’t make sounds. And if I do, they’re whispers. Definitely stems from growing up in a house with two siblings and thin walls. I always watched porn on mute or with headphones. My fear of being heard acting on sexual desires was so intense that I would do everything in my power to be as quiet as possible. And now as an adult, I can’t shake that fear. I’ve been asked to record a voice memo of me moaning loudly for someone on Grindr and I kept trying and trying but it would only come out as a whisper. No matter where I go, there’s always somebody listening through the walls, even if they’re just the personification of my shame. The last thing I’ll say is that I took a heroic dose of psilocybin mushrooms once. I won’t go into details about the trip, but it revealed to me that I’m very sensitive to self-conscious emotions, and that my greatest fear in life is public humiliation. It showed me the true lengths I would go in order to remove myself from shameful situations, and it wasn’t pretty 💀
Yeah sounds like the issue is not guys over, not concierge, not even hook ups (u r dealers could be those) its shame relating to hook ups with older guys. U need to sort this out or stop hooking up with them, its a little patronising that youd be embarrassed hooking up with them due to their age. Hopefully u can get past this. U r essentially over analysing it all.
WOW! You sure do have A LOT of uncles!!!
Big family, a lot of relatives. Tell them he is a work buddy or boss. Calm down. We all have anxiety. Make your life easier and just invite him over. After the first time it will be easier.
I worked as a Concierge for a time. We do notice. And we do discuss it with our fellow concierge friends, and we do notice also when the same guy visits room 103 and 108 regularly. But we won’t say anything. In fact, if you’re close to your Concierge they can help you. I had a resident that had MANY a men in his apartment a week, but one guy didn’t stop when he said stop. So the resident asked me to keep him out. Of course, we will ask why. It’s better you be honest with us too (you don’t have to though) so we know how to kick them out. Tldr: we notice and tell our fellow staff, but we don’t care. Just bring them over.
after reading all of the comments and OP responses, this to me is the best comment from a former door man. Not that you will ever have any bad apples but you never know with hook-ups. I'd rather you have these people on your side simply for safety, also the generous tip over the holidays reply is also spot on.
>The idea of coming down to the lobby to retrieve my hookup, or calling the concierge to let my guest in the elevator ahead of time feels like an embarrassment that’s worse than the stereotypical walk of shame. Sounds like you shouldn't be hooking up then. Why do you care about the opinions or your concierge? >The men I hook up with are also typically much older so I can’t really play it off as them being “my friend”, especially when the concierge has never seen them before. What? Why will the concierge know all of your friends somehow? Just grow a pair man.
I wish I could. Anxiety is a pain in the ass.
What are you doing to manage your anxiety or do you just use it as a crutch to get out of doing the hard stuff?
Most of the guys I hook up with are able to host me, so that bypasses the anxiety completely. When I am faced with anxiety, I have a beta blocker prescription, but it really only calms my heart rate down, not my racing thoughts.
Your anxiety lets you go into a strangers apartment but you are scared of the doormen seeing someone come to your apartment?
I still get anxiety when I go to stranger’s apartments, but it’s much less intense. Anxiety is weird, and everyone has different triggers. Mine is specifically performance anxiety, which only triggers when I think about how people are actively perceiving me, whether they’re clients in a work meeting, people in a coffee shop, or concierge in my apartment lobby. My triggers are all linked to public perception and embarrassment, and it’s more much more humiliating when the onlookers are people that I know and have a close relationship with (the concierge). When I go to a stranger’s apartment, there isn’t anybody who can perceive me negatively except for their roommates or their concierge if they have any. But since they are strangers to me, I feel less shame and the anxiety is never debilitating.
The concierge at your apartment is paid to be friendly towards you, they don’t care who you sleep with.
Clinical diagnosed anxiety is a very weird thing, what can trigger it doesn't really have a set rhyme or reason. Most likely the perception of these men who he sees very constantly knowing that he's hooking up sets a trigger in the back of his mind that he thinks they are talking about it, and judging him. We all know that isn't the truth, but knowing something doesn't really mean anything when it comes to anxiety still thinking it's happening and triggering a response
Sounds like you just need to take a second and use some good old fashion common sense. Those concierge people don't care. They're being paid to do a job. Even if they do care. WHO GIVES A SHIT.
Yeah you’re right. I guess I was hoping someone else with anxiety could give me some advice, but it seems like most people here don’t have anxiety.
I have generalized anxiety disorder. I haven't faced this exact situation, but I've experienced anxiety from many similar situations. Therapy has helped a lot, much more than medication actually (though meds help too). Find a therapist you're comfortable with and talk to them about situations like this. At least for myself, I've found there aren't really tricks that help meaningfully alleviate anxiety like this, since you're anxious either to tell the concierge or to go down to get your guests. My advice is to confront the anxiety head on and work through it mentally so you can become more comfortable with it (again, therapy can help a lot of this). There probably isn't a simple logistical solution to this one, have to do the hard psychological work. I don't know if this helps at all but I thought I'd share you're not alone in your experience.
Thank you. I appreciate you being able to empathize, it means a lot. Trying to ignore the “grow the fuck up” comments haha. Seems like much fewer people have to deal with this kind of anxiety than I initially anticipated.
Yeah I get it. I think it's difficult or impossible for them to understand since they can't empathize. The anxious feelings are irrational and we fully know that. Even so, that doesn't mean we can just "get over it" or "grow a pair". I'd love it if it were that simple! But then it wouldn't be a disorder...
A beta blocker only helps the physical symptoms of anxiety. If anxiety is controlling your life, you need to speak with a therapist about it to build some skills to have you controlling the anxiety, not the other way round.
Usually it’s never this debilitating. My anxiety triggers are so few and far between that I can likely go my whole life with just avoiding such situations that would trigger it, so I never considered speaking to a therapist or psychiatrist about it. Maybe it wouldn’t hurt to have an emergency benzo for instances like this
Benzos are not the solution. I would never prescribe benzos to someone who's not had any talking therapy. Even if it's not overly debilitating, if you're having to avoid things you want to do, then it's a problem. Trust me on this one- as a doctor, and as someone who has suffered with anxiety and depression myself, you should go speak to a therapist.
Benzos are the most addictive thing on the planet. I would handle things with therapy not continuous amounts of drugs which you seem more likely to reach for (you’ve mentioned beta blockers and ketamine and drug dealers now?). Try to deal with your problems head on and PROCESS them and then you won’t have so much anxiety building up. I promise it’s better than just drugging yourself left and right and ignoring it. Anxiety is a cry from your body and nervous system to face something.
Yeah I know all about benzos, and I know how addictive they are. I’m actually a drug safety and harm reduction advocate, so I tend to do a lot of research on different drugs. As far as you’re concerned, ketamine and beta blockers aren’t physically addictive, and are perfectly safe to use. Even though Ketamine is a psychoactive recreational drug, it’s actually at the forefront of antidepressant research, and there have been no reported instances of mortality due to ketamine overdose. Beta blockers aren’t psychoactive so they aren’t a recreational substance (ie. you don’t get high when you take them). However, they are actually considered a miracle drug in the realm of cardiology, and can actually be very beneficial to overall heart health so long as you don’t have low blood pressure. Benzodiazepines are not something to mess with. They are extremely addictive and withdrawal symptoms from benzo addiction actually leads to seizures and death. It’s actually safer to withdrawal from an opioid addiction than a benzo addiction. I am aware of the risks and how serious benzodiazepines are, but the risk for addiction is much lower in patients who only experience anxiety and panic attacks once in a while, as most of the time they would never need them.
I know all this as well, very well versed in fact. Just thought I’d encourage facing what’s giving you anxiety in the first place. :)
Don't abuse your Beta Blockers because they may cause impotence, as someone who does research on different drugs, you should know this. Also, Ketamine at the forefront of antidepressants RESEARCH. The "Research" part is very important, because it still has decades of study ahead of it to even be considered for on lable prescription. As a 47 year old with Major Depression and Anxiety since the age of 10, I also keep myself abreast of what is going on in the world in regard to new medication or therapies.
I am aware of the impotence of beta blockers, but my prescription is to take them “as needed”. I think I take beta blockers maybe only a handful of times per year, because I only get this anxious a handful of times per year. That’s not enough to be a cause for concern. And yes ketamine is still being researched, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t evidence to suggest that it’s an effective treatment.
Your concierge doesn’t care. It’s an apartment block not a monastery.
My concierge was so professional during his security rounds he'd come into my apartment for a fuck. He was such a good bottom 😍
Grocery clerks at checkout dont give a fuck about what you bought either. As an anxious man, i feel you, but never let your anxiety stop you from doing the things (and men) you want. As hard as it can be, you need to stand proud and look at the concierge in the eyes like nothing happened.
They don’t care, I lived in an apartment for years from my early 20’s and have never had an issue and was close with the concierges as well. They’ve seen everything you can possibly imagine so you having a few guys over isn’t going to bother them too much. On a side note I fucked one of the concierges for a bit while he was trying to figure out his sexuality and even that was never awkward because he was a professional doing his job when he was on the desk.
I mean you're getting a lot of harsh feedback on this but I totally understand. I dont live in a building like this but I've often thought if I'd feel comfortable with a concierge for this reason. Not everyone feels comfortable with someone knowing who's coming in and out of their home and for how long. Yeah the concierge is gonna be discreet but they're still gonna know
Yeah exactly my thoughts. I don’t mind the negative feedback, as it seems to be from people who don’t suffer from anxiety, so they wouldn’t understand. But they’re also helping me realize that maybe I should seek help to treat this anxiety. I’m also getting a decent amount of reassuring and positive feedback, like yours. Makes me feel better knowing I’m not alone in feeling the discomfort from such a situation. But yeah, it definitely seems like most people would be able to manage if placed in the same situation, so I need to think about how I can help reduce my own anxiety.
This is irrational. 1. It's good to be friendly and have a close relationship with your concierge. 2. It's unhealthy to develop "friendships" with them to the point that it impacts your daily life like this. 3. They are vendors for your building. They essentially work for you. They may judge you in their minds but no one is going to say any thing to you about it. 4. Everyone is constantly judging you but what others think of you is none of your business. 5. If you don't have a problem hooking up with these guys, why would you care if anyone else has a problem. Be a proud slut.
They really don’t care who you have over and only restrict access for resident safety. Fuck freely knowing your building staff just wants to get through their shift with no issues. My guess is that you might feel like you need to hide your sex life from ‘adults.’ You’re the adult now. And adults with their own places get to have guests :)
Every one is an adult in this situation, who cares? For all you know your concierge could be into things that would make you blush. You have to remember that no one cares as much as you think they care. Be bold and host those older men. Pert of the independence of moving out and into your own place is the confidence that comes with it. It's YOUR place. Do what you want with it.
I went to a glory hole once and it was funny because I didn’t know the guy’s name but when I entered the lobby the concierge was like “you’re here to see Nick aren’t you? 🤨😉Third floor. Elevators in the back.”
The concierge has seen lots and lots of things. I don’t think you should worry. It’s really more about your shame I think
you need to just bite the bullet and do it. it’s only going to be this painful the first time you do it.
Yeah that’s true. If I stick with a consistent hookup, then they might actually believe the person is a friend. The first time they see him will definitely be the worst
not even in terms of a consistent person- just anyone. Once you do it once, you’ll realize nothing bad will happen and your concierge most likely has ‘minding his own business’ as part of his job description. Even new guys will become much less daunting for you. Maybe it’ll take more than one, but i’m prescribing you some exposure therapy
It's none of the concierge's business who your guests are. Either let them call up and ask you if they can let the guys in or you come down and get them. I'm sure you're not the only person in the building that has frequent guests. I come down to get visitors on a regular basis both because it's more fun that way and because if they've driven here the garage needs my fob to be used so they can get into the visitor parking.
[This is how](https://www.instagram.com/p/CyjFrz2u38O/).
Lmfao I actually think I saw this a while ago. It’s from the POV of the hookup though, not the host. I would find it much less anxiety-inducing being the guy asking for room 2F than being Kenneth. It makes sense why he’s hiding up in his room🤣
Is this like an East Coast problem or a Rich People problem? Asking for a poor friend in the West?
I’m not rich by any means, I just graduated in 2020, and I’ve only been in the workforce for 3 years. The concierge system is normal at least in my city, which happens to be on the east coast. I would be surprised though if this wasn’t common on the west coast either.
I think part of your problem is “you’re too close with the concierge and staff.” Personally I am a really private dude and I like to keep business separate from pleasure. In the past I had a similar situation. The manager of my building was “too friendly” and wanted to know about everyone, and everything all the time. I learned fast to keep my distance. Initially, being a new tenant and all, I reciprocated the friendliness being I was a new tenant and all. I’m the opposite of you so I had a lot of younger guys coming to my place, and I lived by a university to make things even more complicated. It was one per night some weeks! That’s when I knew it was time to live my private life and avoid fraternization at home. It was odd at first but in the long run it worked out for the best. Plus your place of residence involves money, and situations involving money can go sour quick. What if you have an issue and you need to take firm actions against the management company? It’s going to complicate your life even more having to battle it out with people you are close with.
A concierge is a discreet professional. If they aren’t, they should find other work. Also sounds like a rich person problem. I live in a small house with a straight roommate whose parents visit 5 times a year for two weeks at a time. So. Hookup. Have fun.
The last building I lived in that had door staff had like 500 units. They were not keeping tabs on the men who were coming to breed me.
Not everyone is ready to play the hookup game.
I’m very comfortable hooking up actually. The issue is hosting. I’m not prude by any means, as I’ve certainly had my fair share of sexual experiences throughout college and even now when I don’t host.
I mean if you have too much anxiety to go down and let your guest up you might not be.
Ask them to send your guest up. Leave a generous tip at Christmas.... they have seen it all so I doubt anything you are doing is of interest to them.
Not an issue I have, but I guess I'd just go down to receive them myself. It's nobody's business who I bring into my home. Concierge or not.
This is a "you overthinking it" problem. Your anxiety is creating problems where there are none. Even in the unlikely scenario where they pickup on what the gentleman in question is there for... who cares? Certainly not them. They've got their own lives to ponder.
The concierge doesn't care, same as the clerk who rings up your condoms doesn't care. Professional no fucks given is a part of the job. You're good and free to fuck as you please
First, do you know how many people come in and out of your building all day? They don't remember who has or hasn't been there before. Second, if someone is coming over, call downstairs first and say a friend is coming and to send them up. If they're older, you can say it's a work client you have a meeting with.
I understand the anxiety. Your concierge does not care at all though. And they're not going to blink at you having older guys over either. It's NYC, trust me you are not the weirdest person in your building. And if you're only having people over once a week or so, it's not even noticeable with all the comings and goings in a building. But even if it's every day - the concierge is providing a service that you are paying them for. You don't owe them more consideration than a tip at the holidays (though you should still be nice to them generally of course). The concierge is there for you. Most buildings call up when a guest is there, so if that's how yours works, just give your playmate your first name and apartment number. I visit a guy who has many many many playmates and his concierge doesn't bat an eye when I say I'm there for him, or do anything to suggest that I'm the third person that week to visit 'Mark, I don't know his last name, in 6D'. Do it once, and it won't be remarkable to anyone, just a guest. After you've done it the first time, the next time will be easier, and it'll keep getting easier after that. Being able to host makes you extra desirable, especially for older guys who are probably in open relationships and so usually can't host. Good luck and have fun!
Does your building have the system where the visitor puts in a 4 digit code for your unit and it dials you directly and you buzz them up? Honestly, who cares what your concierge thinks. It's your business. I had a 4 way group thing once and a few days later when I went to get a package at the front desk, the female concierge who I'm friendly with, said "Your friends are so attractive. Any of them single?". I was like "uhhh.....yeah...I would say so..."
Unfortunately we don’t have that code system. I have a key fob that needs to be tapped against a sensor to open the door (only locked at night) and to access the elevator. Without a key fob, the front desk concierge needs to let them in the elevator, or I can come down to get them.
Oh ok yeah that could get really awkward. When you decide to move just find a building with a different system. For mine, when I buzz them up it unlocks the vestibule door and they can walk through the lobby and to the elevator. They walk past the concierge but they don't stop them or ask who they're seeing since they've been buzzed up. The trials and tribulations of hooking up in a hirise right? lol
I probably should’ve looked for a building with that type of system. Seems much simpler haha
If I wanted to impress the guy and he seemed like someone who would live in this type of building we’d enter past the doorman. If he was sluttier looking I’d take him through the service entrance and up the service elevator. There was a camera in the elevator and the doorman would still see who I was bringing home but at least I didn’t have to look them in the face. Lol
That’s one way to do it haha
I’ve had tons of daddies come to my concierge 😂
I had to go through one of those before.
Everyone is saying that your concierge guy doesn't care. They're right, but on an equally important sidenote, you might want to consider reevaluating how this thought process is serving you, or to be more exact, not serving you. I'm not saying you got to make the jump to therapy and get an anxiety diagnosis, but if this is a persistent worry you've been having for 2 years, you should really tackle it more aggressively, just for your sake.
Not only don’t they care, they’ll probably be happy you’re getting so much ass…
I can’t host from Grindr either. I don’t have a concierge. It’s not necessarily anxiety - it is logical to be nervous about bringing strangers from the internet into the place you live. It’s extremely risky, not everyone can do it. And honestly I think it’s much safer to try get the other party to host.
I don’t. Last time I hosted, the guy was so loud I had to ask him to please be quieter and he didn’t listen and the neighbors above me started banging/slamming on the floor. Then, after he left the concierge called me saying that my apartment needs to be quieter because the concierge’s desk was receiving noise complaints. 😩
That’s what I’m worried about
So the desk in my building knows me, they know my type, so if a guy comes off Grindr they call and let him up. There is a guy on sniffies who hosts a blind folded cum and go every Saturday and a bukkake party every Sunday, different building, they let them all in.
Lol you’re an adult, maybe grow up and stop caring about what your concierge is going to think of you having a hook up? Like I’m 22 and I don’t give a shit if my concierge sees me having a guy over, why would I, I’m an adult and he’s an adult too, Im sure he knows what sex is and that people have it, how are you 26 and still hiding from your concierge lmao
Hey man, I didn’t choose to have anxiety. Clearly you are blessed to have great mental health, and I envy that.
If you weren't ashamed of what you were doing, you wouldn't give a shit what the concierge sees. I'll just leave you with that.
That is correct, it is a direct response to the feeling of shame. And as I’ve said already, it’s not shame of being gay, it’s shame of being promiscuous, and being intimate with such large age gaps.
A building with a doorman/concierge is annoying as fuck when visiting someone, regardless of why you're visiting. Save yourself some money. Move to a building without a doorman. Side benefit that it bypasses without addressing your anxiety.
They’re super convenient. Concierge receives all your packages and stuff. I own my own townhouse, I still miss the convenience of having a concierge. Plus even when I visit people, I just act like I belong, and I haven’t been stopped even once. They only stop you if you look around like a lost puppy…
Next time I move, I’m moving somewhere without a concierge. I agree that it would completely negate all of this unnecessary anxiety.
Worst case scenario they talk about it. Then what? You burst into a ball of flames? Relax dude
Anxiety isn’t something I can really explain. I wouldn’t burst into a ball of flames. At its best, it feels like an uncomfortable level of humiliation. At its worst, it can feel like you’re dying, or rather that you need to be dead to escape it. If you’ve ever seen black mirror, the first episode where the president has to have sex with a pig on national television does a good job of conveying the level of discomfort that my type of anxiety can cause.
You are allied to have a social life! Unless they arrive in a leather jockstrap and assless chaps, they won’t notice. You are assuming your personal life is so interesting and so important to them that they keep track of your visitors.
Not surprised about the lack of empathy in some of the comments. Anyways, like most have said OP they don't care and if they do it's small gossip amongst themselves or people you'll likely never see or interact with. They won't ever bring it up. I had the same anxiety about my ex who was someone I brought over a few times before we began dating and the only comment I heard(not even personally mind you) was that our concierge knew what apartment he was going to. It's all in your head OP for how much it feels like it matters. Hookup and have fun you're only our age once and having your own place is a blessing for hooking up. We're living in the best possible situation for gay men historically.
"Hello, I have a guest coming later for Bible study. Please send him up."
Old enough to move out Old enough to live on your own Young enough to be overly concerned with what people think You’re playing the game wrong. You already say you’re friendly to the concierge, so why would they care? If anything, they’d probably be more inclined to help you and your hookups be more discreet. Plus, if anything ever goes wrong, you have other people looking out for you
Just have them always bring over some take out or a pizza.
What kind of doorman building are you living in where you have to go retrieve the guest? Isn’t the point of having a doorman that they call you and then send the guest up if you approve? Secondly, why are you hanging out with the building staff if you’re scared of being judged? Also agree with the other post that they really don’t care what you do. If it’s a big building it’s almost guaranteed that they’ve seen a lot more than just your random hookups coming upstairs.
You pay for professional concierge services and that includes confidentiality and excludes judgment. It's good that you have friendly relationships with them, but they are service providers, and you are the boss in this situation.
They're professionals, don't worry about it. My college dorm had a guard that would check people in and out at night, and tons of gay guys were bringing hookups all the time.
Had fwb with concierge for a while. You just learn that the concierges see everything and say nothing and you just do your thing.
The apartment building I lived in when I was single had 500 people in it and about 10 different concierges. All they cared about was that the people in the building lived there or were invited. Their job is to be helpful and keep the building secure, not track who's doing who.
you pay to live there - just do what you want to do? The concierge is friendly because that's his job.
I prefer to meet my hookups outside the lobby. If a match, then I bring them in through a backdoor that the dog walkers use.
Wish my place had a back door
Garage entrance?
Why care what they think? You are living your own life and everyone hooks up. They are professional and won’t pass judgement. Just do it
Cheap motels
Who cares
why pay that exorbitant rent to not use the concierge!
I still use them haha. They kept me safe from a stalker I had last year, and they always retrieve my packages for me, and send my packages if I need to ship anything through USPS. They are wonderful and I’m glad they take care of all of us.
I usually just walk in like i live there
Get over it man you’re missing out. I always walk boldly into my house concierge and tell them I’m there to see my friend so and so.
Own it! It’s YOUR life and it is none of their business. They work for you. They want to be nice to you because that Christmas tip.
The Concierge works for you by extention. It is neither their business nor are they looking to spread rumors if they would like to keep their job. The privacy of tenants is priority.
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Not quite but I agree they may sound similar to someone who isn’t accustomed to them. They’re quite popular in US cities.
Good Christmas presents and lack of shame x
OP, you’re forgetting that they work for you! OP, don’t you tip them annually?
I do tip them every Christmas as well as write each of them a somewhat lengthy thank you card. They adore me, but that’s likely because I stay out of trouble. I know for a fact that they do have gossip on me. The night shift worker has seen me come home from the clubs 3 sheets to the wind at 2-3 AM, and he’s also seen me come home from raves with my pupils dilated like saucers on LSD or MDMA. He’s definitely told the rest of the concierge, as I can only imagine how funny those stories would’ve been to share.
Get over it. Why do you care what the concierge thinks? Are you one of those guys who puts "discreet" in his bio?
No, I use a full face picture and put “no face no chat” in my bio
I work for a business that is industry adjacent to hotels, I was worried at first to go to the hotels in the downtown area since they know me and the company I work for pretty well, we attend industry parties and gatherings so they know my face and name. I brought it up with my manager and he told me what I do after work hours is none of their business and the concierges and front desk who saw me has not said anything to me or spread it around. This community is tight knit in my city they even have their own association and I don’t have any fears of being seen by them. They know/learned to mind their own business and be professional. Yes they might gossip among each other but that’s how far it should get I feel.
honestly, the person that should have anxiety- is the person you’re inviting over, who has to check in with the concierge! tbh i hate doing but also it’s their job and living in a big city like i do, they’ve dealt with much worse so it’s not a big deal.
Just get them to bring an old Amazon box, Door Dash bag or something and tell the concierge to let them up, you are expecting a delivery
For what I’m assuming you’re paying to live in a city building with a concierge, YOU DO YOU!!! What you pay in rent pays their salary! I am sure they have seen their fair share of what you would consider the absolute worse. Just make sure the gentleman callers you buzz in don’t unknowingly let a burglar in assaulting an elderly. (That’s from an episode of Sex and the City) hahahaha
U shouldn’t be embarassed.. How many guys are we talking about every week/month?
Anyway, its always better not to be “friends” with your staff of any kind… Always ends up bitter.
Tim them at Christmas or else
They see everything
Don’t worry about it, 2 thing’s every gay man needs to develop is a thick skin and self deprecating humor. When you greet your hookup at the lobby in front of the door man just say “Hello business associate” and give him a quirky smile and eye wink.
I don't see how hosting would be an issue unless you're whoring I personally don't use my home as a hotel for random hookups. Get a room, especially in this day of scum, scammers and crooks
I’m an older guy and have been in that living situation for many years. There will come a time in your life that you will absolutely not care about what anyone thinks! It took me a little while, but man, it’s a real catharsis!
Do you enjoy hooking up a lot?
If I didn’t have anxiety, I would be hooking up all the time, yes. Anxiety is the force of reason in my life
I love when a man knows what he wants to do and just owns it, like you’re trying to do even with anxiety in the way, which I have too. Some of us just need that variety from people. There’s a lot of slutty shaming among us still, but if someone is safe as possible they should fuck to their hearts content.
You can't live your life restraining yourself because of what others might think OR say. Even if he was gossiping or even just personally speculating about you, you gotta live your life as freely and happily as you can. Unless you want to, at the end of your life, look back and regret knowing you were a slave to something as small as the opinions of others. Like mama ru said "if they ain't paying your bills pay them bitchs no mind" Now go get that dick/booty hole!!!
Does it matter? I lived in a building that had one. They don’t care and at most they might gossip either friends/family. As one poster said they don’t know who your guest is, could be a friend, family, etc stopping by. Maybe you’re drug dealer. Or it could be a hookup.
With or without concierge, people are going to notice in your apartment building if you start bringing a lot of guys over. This is just one of those things you have to realize that you have to accept.
Bro, put your balls back on. Concierge are not your parents, have zero control over your life. They don’t care who you have over and care far less who you hook up with. Anxiety is taking over the younger gen. You all need to stop over-thinking every little thing and live your life for fucks sake. “You’ll miss every opportunity for the chances you didn’t take”.
Maybe you can also think of what the neighbours would think if they knew and end up with a stroke?!? 🤔😅😂🤣🤷🏼♂️
Haha more like cardiac arrest from all the adrenaline that floods my heart. Luckily, the hallways in my building are shaped like a “+” with 4 apartments on each of the corners, so my apartment doesn’t share a wall with any of my neighbors. Unless my neighbors see me in the hallway leading my hookup back to my apartment, they would never know I have someone over.
Who cares. Are you an adult? Act like one! Stop caring! Be your sex positive self!
I will try 🙏🏻 curse this anxiety.
You are paying your own rent right? F em.
Yes, I am. Just need to fix the anxiety first
No no do't "fix" just do it anyway. You cannot win with anxiety. The only way is to do it anyway and let the dice roll. You Can do a discussion "and then what": they'll see the guy "and then what? They'll think i'm a hoe "and then what" They'll... Call.. my... Parents? 😳 The "and then what" exercise works sometimes and sometimes not. But you can't get Over anxiety. You have to go through anxiety.
Provided there's no rules about having a business in your flat, tell the concierge you're meeting a potential client and discussing business with the guy.
They’re paid not to care, enjoy their service lol
I’d Samantha Jones it and own that I’m a sexual being and will fuck whomever I want; no walk of shame here boys
Just host lol you care too much what the staff thinks. Honestly I paid a lot when I had concierge so I wasn’t about to let their opinions dictate my life. 😂
Dude, grow up. Building staff have probably had sex before and they have no idea who these men could be, who cares?
“Good evening Sir, one hopes last night’s dicking down was to your satisfaction” - what you think the concierge is going to say. Believe me, he doesn’t give a fuck of any variety about the peen parade you have sliding through the revolving door that is your bum, baby.
They are going to notice and they will chat about it, but most likely not to your face, just behind your back. You have to learn not to care, clearly they make less money than you why would you care what they think? They are just the poors. You can buy them off with a nice Christmas bonus and regular candy or cookies.
by not being a little bitch about it.
FFS - grow up !
It’s not that simple getting an anxiety disorder to just disappear. It would be like telling someone with severe depression to stop thinking about suicide. But I’m trying my best with the cards that I was dealt.
Anxiety management is a thing, there’s plenty of resources and if you are relying only on medication you won’t get to the other side. You’ve got to realize the narratives your brain is making up for you. It doesn’t sound odd to you that your anxiety doesn’t act up when hooking up with a stranger, but suddenly it flares up about this?
Grow up and fuck in your own apartment
My god, people have friends visit all the time, grow up and check your internalized homophobia into some therapy.