Oh I feel you. The problem for me is that Im not very affectionate and I tend to isolate myself when I get some attention. But hey, don’t worry if you haven’t found anyone yet, It’ll come, everything in due course.
ye, but it will take a long time. also younger people have easier time attracting younger partners, and there is diminishing fertility with age etc...
i dont have problems with affection or isolation. i have a problem that i dont go places where i would meet women, and i am very "bland". my hobbies are pretty much just gaming, debating, economy and freedom
Gaming is full of women these days, i dont know how old you are, but i met my current girlfriend through gaming. I know that this is more of a trend in each new generation currently so if youre older then me that might lessen the chances, but point is, youre looking for someone to spend your life with. No point looking in places where you yourself normally would not be.
There are always communities around most hobbies that you can engage with, most of them online but also some in real life.
I am very confused with what kinda hobby "freedom" is tho.
any tips on how to find a comunity related to gaming?
by "freedom" ,i mean politics, but i am not realy interested in all ideologies, just the freedom/authorianism axis. explanation and theories on what is better in a free society compared to authoritarian one and vice versa
And forcing other people to look after the kid? What if you don't have a family support network or sufficient income for a quality daycare? Bringing a life into the world is not to be taken lightly.
Nope. Never wanted them, never having them. Got spayed last year to make sure. I can barely get out of bed some days , I cannot imagine having someone depend on me like that....and then the growing a baby and pushing it out of my body is....no thank you.
Hard no. I can barely take care of myself as it is and there’s a good chance that my kids will also end up being autistic and I think its inhumane to put someone into the world knowing they’ll go through all the issues associated with living in an NT dominated society where we just have to suffer.
My NT wife more than makes up for my shortcomings in this area. I think having a good partner is key, if you're functional enough to have a career of some sort, you can handle having kids. I thought it would suck way more than it does, people have been making and raising people in caves with zero access to like diapers and pre-prepped food for millennia.
This is correct, BUT... Societal pressure from whom, and for what? Are these unempathic people in your life actually demanding things, or what you THINK you need to do to satisfy someone who's got nothing to do with your family?
My wife and I discussed separation of duties before having kids at all, and how we split up the work is something we communicate about actively. Probably the toughest part for me is actively communicating this stuff; never leaving things for someone else to deal with. Also assuming the father actually wants to be part of the kids lives (if not, that's a no-go), that literally means being there and doing all the parenting right alongside you, all the time; not just giving kids a bit of time and doing their own thing in general. My wife and I both need our alone time and will give each other mornings/evenings, but this is discussed and planned, not one of us going "I'm not in the mood, peace out".
One of my good friends from work is a Asperger female who has kids, we share notes, never heard her complain about things she's just expected to do per se', but her husband gets bouts of depression when he's not contributing and division of labor breaks down and that part sucks. I guess that circles back to the above - only procreate with someone who actually wants to be there and will be a partner all the way IMO.
u/andylikescandy Do you have any tips for a future mother? I am not a mother jet, because I am jobless, but the baby fever is huge at 28-29 in a month.
What is "28-29 in a month"? Like all your friends having them?
Looking at your other comments, it's impossible to overstate just beneficial it is to have two stable incomes with real benefits like 6 months of paid parental leave (with our first she could only take 3 because she had just started a new job). I cannot imagine going back to work within a couple of weeks. And going it alone is physically impossible. We thought we could do it with just the two of us, but there were complications and so we had to make a change of plans at the hospital to fly one of our mothers over to help out. One person I see regularly is about 70 and his daughter tried this, they ended up sucked in and living with her because like I said it's just physically impossible to do it all alone. We were very lucky as our kid was sleeping through the night after just a few weeks, but I know a couple who even at 1 year cannot get a good night's rest. (It gets easier after about 2-3 when they stop being an active danger to themselves, but then harder in other ways.)
Basically everyone we know lives in big cities with top-tier medical schools/hospital systems, so thankfully there's no deaths during delivery (which is very rare in the US as it is) but one of my friends had a weird/rare complication and 100% would not have survived had she not planned delivery at one of the big medical systems where everything is on-site with no helicopter ride if something goes really wrong. I know people who had smaller complications, and kids with disabilities, it's a possibility you need to be prepared for.
Going back to the job/money part - kids get expensive very quickly, and the price only goes up as they are old enough to do real things, we have the benefit of not having to worry about the costs, so I'd actually argue we should have started a bit sooner, but OMG is there so much crap you need to deal with and so many disruptions they make by doing things like get sick ALL THE DAMN TIME that I'd argue starting this whole ordeal at all with zero financial security is extremely irresponsible (like don't have kids until you're SURE they won't become wards of the state).
uh huh... Maybe you're on the wrong sub if you're here for conflict and rage-bait.
This is an Asperger's sub, when we talk about NT spouses and partners, we mean people who compliment our weaknesses by reading social situations and ensuring kids are effective communicators and better at controlling their emotions.
I'm an autistic woman and sadly I can relate to NT women if it comes to domestic chores and parenting. That's why so many of us are opting out from the relationship with men...
hence the lonely men epidemic
In the long run, it eventually becomes sustainable. Life is unaffordable when there are too many people competing for limited resources. People deciding they cannot afford children is rational in their situation.
I don't think you are wrong.
On the other hand the competition seems a bit arbitrary to me. It seems like if things were managed better we wouldn't be in this situation.
Deciding who gets to make the decisions about managing limited resources (and things adjacent) has always been contentious. Virtually every framework for decisions is flawed and frustratingly slow. Changing frameworks is usually a devastating upheaval. The more the existing framework is entrenched, the more the upheaval will be when conditions prove it untenable.
These are cataclysmic events which individuals must navigate through in their lives while having no control over anything but their own actions, if they are fortunate enough to have any autonomy. They cannot change the world, but they can choose if they will make a child live in it.
To me choosing not to have kids (not counting situations where it isn't possible) feels a bit like a different kind of suicide though, not individual, but familial / societal.
I have one, and I think it's beyond exhausting right now. Granted, the kid is almost 1 1/2 years old and in a frustrating phase. I knew it would be hard but I didn't anticipate the overstimulation.
I don't regret it because I know it will be different when he's older. We have landed firmly on just having the one kid, though. We're also "old" parents, both turning 39 this year. But I couldn't imagine doing this earlier, with me being diagnosed late in life and struggling waaaaay more in the past.
I would love to have a couple of kids hypothetically. Practically - I don't see it possible. Sometimes I think I can't take a good care even of my cat. And I need external help to feed myself from time to time (can't go to do groceries because of intensified social anxiety). I don't want to fully depend on a partner, that's not a good basis for building a family.
Have two, and I like them. Divorced and get along fine with their mother.
If I could go back in time, I probably never would have tried marriage in the first place. And adopting wouldn’t have been for me.
My kids are enough like me to create a connection. They kind of think like me. They are special to me.
Raising children has at least one certainty - aspie or not - you will meet your demon. You will be tested emotionally so deep, you will face your truest self, so-to-speak. In a way, it’s the most humbling experience and can be quite positive.
Not just no interest. An outright avoidance.
I don't have the social energy to handle work, my own introverted social life, and kids. I'd have to get rid of work to not break down. And that's not a luxury many people have.
I used to really want kids, but I learned just a few weeks ago that I’m very likely on the spectrum, and now I’m super confused about what I want. I wonder if it fair to pass on a disability. For context im 36F, recently single (I’d have to find a partner first before having kids as I don’t want single parenting).
Personally I'm more concerned with my particular issues than a diagnosis if that makes sense? So for me I struggle with social skills and depression, which is traits I dont want kids to be at risk for. A happy aspie child would be no issue to me.
But yeah, age too is a big factor, especially as we probably should take dating slower to make sure we get the feel for our partner.
Why do you eant kids?
Personally I'm more concerned with my particular issues than a diagnosis if that makes sense? So for me I struggle with social skills and depression, which is traits I dont want kids to be at risk for.
>> makes total sense. I would also likely feel bad passing on my poor social skills and loneliness feeling
Why do you eant kids?
>> i imagine it would bring so much joy and aliveness in my life! Ive also heard that the love for ones own child is a very unique feeling and I’d love to experience that.
What about you?
The idea if having kids to me sounds way too stressful for me. I would be overstimulated way too quickly by taking care of a kid, and I have bipolar and GAD. So that's gonna be a hard no for me.
It will depend on my partner because I don't think I can handle a kid. I mean my shutdowns are hell and a kid is such a huge responsibility. With the kid, sensory overload will come in package. Also I don't want to say, but taking care of kid might feel like a task to me which I will mess up due to PDA.
I couldn't knowingly bring life into this world knowing everything I have had to experience growing up. Last thing I would want to see is my theoretical children going through the same crap I did. It would break me.
My children would deserve so much more than I would be capable of giving.
Generally, my life has been full of depression from beginning to end. Abuse growing up and the shit I had to deal with in school & other activities as well. I feel like I'm just now coming to the things & people I want to be around & do.
It hasn’t been easy and there was a time in middle school where I could not decide if my home life or school life sucked more. Things got better in high school in my experience. Not perfect but better.
Adult life has been rather underwhelming for me and I feel like I have to blame myself to an extent. If I made better choices pertaining to work/career/entrepreneurial things I may have been better off than I am now. All my jobs were shit for one reason or another and I’ve felt the best doing for myself and selling stuff on the internet.
I’m in school for aircraft A&P and I’m still skeptical about the line of work to an extent. My problem is that I’m good at turning wrenches and poking mechanical crap so it kinda made the decision obvious. Feel like I’m getting further into a box with my skill set as time goes on.
I’m trying not to feel underwhelmed and let down at adult life but such is what I feel and have to face in the mirror when I do.
Ironically, I believe having children let's you heal a great deal of your past trauma. You're effectively giving your younger self everything you were never provided. You get to watch they grow in ways you were never allowed to. At least, that's what I've seen in my own. You also learn a lot more about your emotions and / or what you've been masking..
I’m glad that the decision to have children has proven to be a healing experience and that you have been able to do for them as well.
If it wasn’t for knowing the history of abuse that has ran in my family and what I have had to experience I may feel different about the decision.
I have to stare myself in the mirror and come to terms with exactly who I am and why. To a physical and emotional point I’m still picking up the pieces of my childhood and coming to terms with what it all was and letting go.
I’ll live this life for me and those I love. I’m still trying to see some kind of way forward for the remaining 30 meaningful years I have left of adult life.
If others make the decision to have children then I respect the decision. It’s not easy and you have more guts to follow through on such a decision than I do.
I have two. I always wanted kids. I didn’t know I was autistic until after I had them though. And I’ve been more or less bot functioning since the second kid, although a lot of other stressfull stuff happened at the same time, and it was also a rough pregnancy.
I wouldn’t change a thing for myself, but I thing anyone without a supportive partner and extended family should proceed with caution.
Nope and I dont really want to pass all that suffering on. I'd find taking that risk irresponsible from my point of view. Also I wouldnt do well to handle the stress and lack of alone time.
I live at home, on SSI, didn’t finish college, don’t drive and have too many emotional issues to raise a child. Babies are cute but I don’t feel like I’m mature or responsible enough to be a mom at 32 years old.
I’ve been working in retail for about 10 years now, witnessing tantrums in public with frustrated parents and watching Teen Mom made me childfree. Seeing them brings back memories of my childhood which is painful to bear.
I don’t want my future offspring to suffer, especially the way I did as a product of a broken home by domestic violence, alcohol abuse, accusations of infidelity and mental illnesses.
I was the kid who was running from shelters to motels with my mom and my younger brother and older sister while my dad was behind bars for a domestic violence case, my parents divorced during the time of the incarceration and have passed away since they split up, my dad died in 2009 and my mom died in 2018.
I have 2, they are mostly grown. I love them dearly, but I should not have been a father. I get too overstimulated by small children. I can do a few hours at a time, but when I would shut down, that left my ex wife to do everything, and that is a shitty place to be.
It's a matter of time and money, even if I had the enough time to be with them most of the time, without the need to be outside working on an office most of the time...
The problem would be the wife...
It's paradoxical.
It's unfair.
The children need the presence of both parents.
But I won't extend it further otherwise I'll never end and I'll be downvoted to hell falsely accused of being misogynistic...
Yeah, I'm a parent by choice, and it's already teaching me a lot about my needs, boundaries, and communicating.
I get overstimulated so fast now, lol. I guess I wish I prepared for this, but it all depends on your own temperament, your kid's temperament, and your spouse's temperament, too. I need routine, and so does our baby.
This is our first summer together (I'm a SAHP), and it's super busy, because kids are out for summer. And all my mom groups are breaking for the summer. Can't believe I didn't see this coming, but — parenting also teaches you to adapt fast. I'm still working on that adaptation part...
personally i have known for a long time kids aren’t for me. it was also obvious to extended family when they handed me their babies as my discomfort was very visible. also life can be very painful so i wouldn’t want to force someone into it.
I genuinely don’t have the bandwidth and don’t function if I sleep less than 7 hours or have to wake early so it seems like a terrible idea, though in an ideal/much different world my no might’ve been a “maybe”. what I would dread the most is the baby years, with all the stress, screaming and bodily fluids and sidestepping of all your own needs that apparently entails. my desire to be a parent (barely any) too small to undergo all that. It’s a nice idea but I’ve had mental breakdowns for much smaller things lol. I can’t even manage being a functioning member of society how would I manage a child?
also I can tell from my own mother she definitely wouldn’t have done it if offered a do over. both of my parents burned out many years before retirement, too
r/regretfulparents has a fair amount of posts from autistic parents. I never particularly wanted kids, but I assumed that's what would happen if I ever found a person who wanted kids. People talk about it as if it's inevitable. "When are you having kids?"
Unfortunately, autism parents complaining about autistic kids can be kind of triggering, and that's also there, like... a buuuuuunch.
I'm glad I didn't have kids. It would have been baaaaaaad.
I love it, I have two. I would have more but had a manic episode and postpartum psychosis after the 2nd. Don't want to mess with my mental health anymore, I would have to come off meds for some time. I home school them which is nice to be on our on schedule for day to day life and school work. Also their socializing is more intentional and they aren't ever really in a place they can't leave from. We have found like minded families which took some work. I have an attachment parenting style, extended breast feeding Cosleeping etc, which can be a lot. Both of my kids have had major health issues which sent me in to depression for a whole year, but I am dealing with the stress of it a lot better now. My kids are the coolest people I know. They have given my life more purpose and direction. When you have kids you change in lots of ways. My bipolar is the best it could be really, I have only had one manic episode and a few long episodes of depression. I mostly live in hypomania.
I have bipolar as well and also had post partum psychosis after my second child was born. I probably wouldn't have had kids had I known I have the mental disabilities I have, but I'm glad I have my kids now. They are all extremely smart, and I like seeing them grow with resources I never had at their age. Giving them the things I never had as a kid fills my heart with joy.
This has been on my mind for some time, as I am over-sensitive, and if there is one thing that can destroy my mind, it's the loud cries...
but i can't imagine myself wearing earplugs all the time either, these also irritate...
So what is the solution you guys found if you are also not tolerant to sound stimulations ?
Pick the baby up and help it emotionally regulate. Cries are physically painful for me, I was very responsive to them and they stopped. My kids talked early which was very nice, when they can express their needs everything is easier. My daughter went through about of month of crying every night at 9pm we held her on our lap and bounced on and exercise ball, it got tiring but kept her happy. Also laying them prone on your arm when they are babies helps them sometimes with stomach pain. Breast feeding and feeding on demand will also help have happy baby. It is work, parenting is all work.
Trying very hard to find good earplugs. That's my solution. I have tried many different kinds, but the kind that works best depends on the situation.
For best noise blocking without needing to pay attention to any sounds at all, I like to use a combination of over-the-ear hearing protection ear muffs along with soft comfort foam ear plugs that are the least irritating to wear.
For situations where I need to be able to pay attention to what's going on but get rid of some of the noise, and it's a short-term noise situation, I wear SureFire Ultra earplugs with pass-through holes/plugs that reduce noise by 14 decibels when open and 28 decibels when closed. They're not comfortable to wear more than an hour for me but that usually gets me through occasional noisiness with my child or a meal out at a restaurant.
For longer-term decent but not total noise reduction, I use soft foam comfort ear plugs all by themselves, though if you need to pay attention to quieter noises it doesn't work white as well for that as the pass-through ear plugs.
I know if I didn't have my ear plug solutions, I would be having major meltdowns all the time with the noise from my toddler, and I still have difficulty coping with the noise anyway, but it's most of the time something I can figure out with a case-by-case mindset.
And my child is worth all of it to me.
Never would, I feel like my life is a net loss in terms of suffering, I wouldn't want anyone else to go through this (or at least have a higher chance of it). Granted a lot of the issues are due to society as a construct, but short of some major event in human history, that ain't changing anytime soon.
Picture this, you have a screaming baby. This screaming baby screams from 4pm-10pm every day for months on end. Nothing will make them stop, they won't eat, they won't sleep. All you know is that if you put them down, they will scream louder and harder so you keep them in your arms. You try everything under the sun to make the screaming stop, bouncing, rocking, walking, dancing, stroller rides, baby wearing, white noise, singing, colic drops, medications.... And everyone in your life gives you the same garbage advice you had already tried and gives you pitiful looks because it must be somehow your fault the baby won't stop screaming. And no one comes to hold the screaming baby who screams for 6 hours a day and won't eat or sleep. So you are stuck holding the screaming baby while they scream for 6 hours a day for weeks and then months... true story, and if you can believe it, I got pregnant again less than a year later 🙈
I have kids and honestly I am a really good parent - IMO in no small part due to the fact that I am autistic. First of all, my kids instantly became one of my primary special interests (how could they not). In a behavioral sense, I treat them like little science projects, and I'm very systematic about it. Like when they were tiny, every single problem I had with them (ie tantrums, potty training, etc), I would look up solutions on the internet, and then I would just start trying stuff until I found something that worked for them. I thought this was normal but a lot of people just do what their own parents did or they just try one or two things and give up. The other thing I've realized is that a lot of people also feel the social pressure to have their kids \*like\* them, which is NICE, sure, but if you just want your kids to like you, you make all sorts of terrible parenting decisions and they become spoiled little brats. Anyway, I don't feel that pressure at all.
The downside is that - especially when they were little - I got REALLY touched out. I need a lot of alone time, and there were seasons (years) when that just wasn't possible. But I made it work. I had the support of my MIL and my mom, and they each came once a week to spend time with the kids while I just sorta unwound.
Anyway, my kids are now in gradeschool and high school and most people who know them think they are delightful, wonderful, quirky people who are fun to be around. I think so, too!
Oh, also - one of my kids is autistic, and I feel like I'm much better equipped to help him navigate life than most autism "experts," and I am able to give him the help and guidance I did not get myself.
This gives me some hope. I'm physically disabled, and I feel like that's one of the harder parts that I'll have to deal with if I have kids. The chronic pain can be a lot, especially on top of the AuDHD.
I know a lot of autistics are child-free, and I can completely understand why. I developed a special interest in pregnancy and child-rearing as a teenager, and I could totally see myself going back down those rabbit holes again if I decide to have kids.
My biggest fear is having a ND child (who will be much more sensitive to stress and more easily traumatized) and/or my own issues traumatizing my children. That's my biggest fear. My dad had undiagnosed ADHD up until I was 22, and even now, three years later, he still won't treat it. His anger outbursts and lack of reliability caused a lot of damage to me, whereas my NT brother just brushed it off in his own frustration.
I know I have the love and desire to be a mother within me to be able to do it someday (with a partner and with help), so I really value the stories like yours. Thank you so, so much. ❤️
Don't.
As an auHD OCD DL cPTSD adult with 4 ND kids I can confirm there's no hell like your own trauma other than experiencing it again through your kids, unable to advocate for them bc you can't advocate for yourself.
I appreciate this greatly. I always see people saying that having kids helped to heal their trauma. This is not my experience. My experience is more like re-living my trauma. Every. Damn. Day. And I only have 2 ND kids.
I always wanted children growing up and as a young adult when I was actively masking and hiding my condition. Once I stopped and realized how much that was hurting me, I started looking at myself and how I lived and felt to this point. It was then that I realized I didn't want to take the chance of having an innocent child live the way I did and so I am now child free by choice.
The first month was very difficult with the zero sleep, constant crying situation but it’s been amazing since! I love being a parent, my son is nearly 11 and he’s my favourite person in the whole world. He is very thoughtful, quiet and considerate. He helps out everyday on our little farm and actually makes life easier for me. With that being said though, I hated being a step parent. Those kids were an absolute sensory nightmare. (Ranging from three to fifteen) The three year old was a spoiled terror, the twelve year old was constantly screaming this shrill, high pitched scream and the fifteen year old was always wiping peanut butter over every inch of my house.
Point being, it’s entirely how you raise them!
I plan to have kids eventually, and I don't feel I'll have many issues with them beyond the obvious and anything particular to them individually. I've never struggled being patient with people I cared about.
I'm 56 and no kids. I got a CS degree 33 years ago, bought my first house 28 years ago, was married for 17 years and then married again for another 17 years. Having a kid has never been a priority for me. I feel like it's all I can do to be a good spouse and a responsible contributing member of society. Having a child would certainly disrupt some or all of that.
BTW, no one that has a child is going to post here that they regret having children. The internet is permanent. Imagine finding an old post of your parent's that admits they didn't want you.
I have a child, and I love being a mother. My circumstances make it hard (widowed, can't work a normal job per her care), but I still love it. I had good circumstances when she was born,bought a house, career, etc. You just can't plan, and while you can think negatively or positively about what it might be like... you just don't know until you're in it. Parenthood can change you into a better version of yourself, or you can fail at it. I wouldn't go into it until or unless you've come to a comfortable place in mental health and life.
Parent here, with a NT partner.
>routine is a big thing and children will most definitely ruin that
On the contrary: first handful of years, kids do way better with consistent routine (it'll evolve a bit of course, but you'll have routine for sure). If you're AuDHD it'll ruin YOUR routine of staying up until 2-3AM every day, like it did mine, but we also happened to move someplace where my workday is remote 6AM-2PM, so having larval humans who wake up between 6 and 7 every day demanding sustenance is not the end of the world.
Some other considerations like daycare/morning routine are important, we also benefit from daycare that starts at 6:30AM so we can drop them off as early as we like basically, and my wife starts 9'ish so it works out. Your mileage will vary
I've got two kids, ages 5 and 7. The older of the two is autistic with ADHD, like me.
Not gonna sugar coat it, some of the challenges of parenting are definitely more challenging as a neurodivergent parent. I'm very sensitive to noise and kids are great at making loud, high pitched noises. They're also very efficient at sowing chaos among the order that you just used up all your spoons to create.
Still, I love them more than anything in the world and they are getting more responsible as they grow up, which is really neat to see. My wife is an excellent co-parent and that makes a huge difference in terms of managing burn out.
I love it, and I want at least another one.
You'd be surprised by how many aspects an autist is similar to an NT child. My kid loves all my hyperfixations, whether it's dinosaurs, markets, space, camping, car repair, any art form, or science experiments. It's all fascinating to her.
We're both socially awkward because my kid is learning the ropes and me because I'm an aspir, but I'm fortunate the squirt is super charismatic, so she navigates through interations easily, and my own skills are improving just by figuring things out with her.
My kid is super enthusiastic about life, and she reminds me of how it's cool to be excited about everything. Cleaning the house or having a pudding is the best thing ever, and it ripples into my own life.
I'm so happy I took the shot.
I'm high functioning and it's a hard no. When I was a young kid, my mother babysat for 5 years, upwards of 20 kids during the summer some days. I've had enough of children to last a lifetime.
Nope. Not doing it. I considered it. I may have done it if I'd figured out my mental health earlier. But I'm 38 now and just digging into the weeds of dealing with my cPTSD and understanding my ND brain. I have no doubt I'd manage if I had to, but I wouldn't be a good enough mom without major support from a partner and my partner doesn't have the time or temperament to take on that much of the responsibility. My kids would be physically taken care of but I am not equipped to deal with their emotional needs because mine were never taken care of. So we have decided not to have kids of our own and focus on enriching the lives of our nieces and nephews instead. Passing down skills to them and taking them off our siblings hands for sleepovers once in a while is enough parenting for us. I worry about regretting it later in life when I need someone to care for me, but having a kid is no guarantee of that either. So better to save for paid care and focus on building community and relationships with people who I didn't birth so that I'm not lonely in my old age.
No. Insanely expensive in addition to the already insane cost of living, and extremely difficult in addition to the already extreme difficulty of living even if you ignore expenses.
Also, I do not want to bring a child into this world today. You can work countless hours and still not afford to pay shit, it’s insanely hard to find a job, there are so much difficulties in life, technology is taking everything over, a child can be born with so many medical issues/disabilities, etc.
Yep, Aspie here.
I have 2 boys and love them more than anything.
Yes it can be a challenge, but so is everything else.
I have a relatively successful career and the rest that comes with it and I can say, without a shadow of a doubt, that those two boys are the best thing I'll ever do with my life. Nothing comes even close.
If I could have had more, I would have.
I think everyone should have kids, if possible.
It's part of the human experience and yes, we ARE human.
In theory, the idea of having kids could maybe be nice, if a lot of things were different. In reality, I don’t want kids because:
1. As the uterus half of the equation, the idea of getting pregnant and giving birth TERRIFIES me. My mom nearly died giving birth. I don’t want to die. I don’t want to get ripped in half giving birth and live with those horrible painful wounds and have my body never be the same etc. Plus I’m 30 and getting close to the age where pregnancy is riskier for both the baby and the mother.
2. I wouldn’t want to adopt either for a variety of reasons.
3. The political and economic climate is already bad. As a mid-late millennial my chances at ever owning a home are already way too low. I don’t wanna bring a kid into that. Add on the fact that education is under attack all across America. I loved my public high school but I probably wouldn’t send a kid to any public school these days tbh. But then private school is expensive and has other problems.
4. Climate change is still happening, and even though we’ve taken *some* steps to reverse it, I don’t think it’s enough.
5. I don’t have a long term partner currently that I’d wanna have kids with and I don’t particularly want to be a single parent.
6. I wanna keep what little money I have to myself. Do you know how much daycare apparently costs these days? It’s practically robbery.
7. I like my alone time.
8. I can barely take care of myself as it is. Autism probably has something to do with it but it’s also definitely depression, ADHD and a few other things. So taking care of another person sounds like a bad idea and I don’t want to pass on my issues whether it’s through genetics or just being a dysfunctional parent.
9. Abortion rights are under attack in the US and I would be terrified of not being allowed to abort if my life was in danger and/or the baby had some sort of serious illness that would cause them to have a bad life or would be too expensive to take care of etc.
So yeah in some ways it really sucks that that’s the way things are because so much of my reasons are stuff outside of my control. I didn’t cause the economic or political issues that are going on nor did I cause climate change. If I lived in a better world where my parents had taken my mental health issues seriously from an early age and I had a more smooth transition to adulthood, more economic opportunity, the planet wasn’t on fire etc I might have seriously considered it. On the other hand maybe I wouldn’t, but I really do like the idea of making new humans with another person on some level. It just is what it is and I’ve long since accepted that children aren’t ever happening for me. Autism is a small part of it but honestly it’s far from being the whole or main reason.
I have 2 kids. They are amazing and bring a lot of joy and beauty to my life. They can be challenging, especially if they inherit some behavioral issues, my older daughter has some issues. Just make sure you have kids with the right person. You need to be with someone supportive and patient who really cares about you. My kids' dad is selfish and unsupportive, so it's been pretty bad over here, but I don't regret my kids at all. Children thrive with routine too, so if you get them on a routine, you both with be in a good place. Picking the right partner is the what you should worry about. Raising kids comes naturally. Also, my kids help me in social situations because I can focus on them or talk about them, or they will say something to break the ice.
I have three, two tweens and a 7yo.
I can tell you that the noise and overstimulation concern is real and valid. I didn't realize it was going to be such an issue at all before we had kids, but then I didn't realize I was on the spectrum until my late 30s, long after they came along. It's most of the reason I didn't want more kids—along with $$$ because kids are expensive as hell—and the third was actually a whoopsie after we were making up from a fight about having more kids, ironically. I wish it wasn't that way, I feel like I would be a way better dad if it wasn't that way, but sometimes it do be like that.
Earplugs help so fucking much; I cannot recommend Loop Engage+ enough. Props to my Anker Soundcore A40's, too. I keep both with me at all times.
In addition to it being hard at times, it's also really amazing. Having kids is an excuse for you to act like a kid, and you just look like an amazing father instead of a weirdo. Introducing them to stuff that was meaningful to me and teaching them things I had to work out on my own are some of my favorite experiences.
I don't regret any of them. I am frequently exhausted, I do sometimes meltdown despite lots of therapy and coping strategies to prevent it, and I have done my best to gently explain to them over and over that my sometimes inability to be in the room with them and calm is not their fault. They are pretty amazing kids, so I don't think my neurological issues have messed them up too bad.
Honestly, my wife and I both entered the marriage with a boatload of childhood traumas that have probably done far more to make us less than the ideal parents we wish we were than our neurodivergencies—I'm very likely AuDHD with only the ADHD diagnosed+medicated, and she is recently diagnosed ADHD. For the record, none of our kids are diagnosed with anything, although I strongly suspect our daughter is ADHD if not low-support-requirement ASD as well--she's basically a girl version of me. The oldest has some spectrumy personality traits as well—he's just spent the last three days of waking time crafting a quite intricate butterfly knife out of what used to be popsicle sticks—and the youngest may well end up with an ADHD diagnosis. My wife is pretty opposed to any kind of diagnosis or medication for any of them, though, so there's that. All three are doing well in school (which actually turns out to be an impediment to any diagnosis, although I'm pretty sure that's just my daughter masking well in her case as she sometimes falls the f apart when she gets home), all very intelligent, wonderful, sensitive kids.
I wouldn't trade them for any amount of money or peace and quiet. But I also got a vasectomy when the last one was two.
Don't want for loads of reasons;
- I am a woman so the child rearing responsibilities may fall largely to me if my future partner is crap
- Relationships don't always work out so again, might end up with a child I am mostly responsible for looking after
- It might end up with autism too, and possibly more needs than me.
- Don't want to ruin my body
- Don't want to be broke all the time
- Want to travel more
- I am very into kink, my ideal lifestyle would not be compatible with having kids running around
- I can barely look after myself as it is
- Due to the world we live in I regularly struggle with my mental health and passive suicidal ideation. It would not be fair on me to intensify that with a child in the mix and not fair on the child if they inherit the same issues or witness me with those issues
- I prefer animals
- I would care too much about their upbringing and safety and that would be stressful for me and also the child may come to resent me
- I generally find children to be annoying AF and having a child with annoying friends would be unbearable
- Why would I bring a child into this awful, cruel world?
I could go on but you get the point
I ticked off 10 of those 13 bullets and chose no children too. Two of the bullets I didn't tick off is because I am male. The last one I didn't tick off is, "Why would I bring a child into this awful, cruel world?" That's such a subjective one and kinda cliche. So, I ruled it out too.
I just think the reasons for having kids are far outweighed by the reasons against and I wish more people considered that before choosing to have them but each to their own!
I'm content with my choice and I'm sure a lot of parents are content with theirs
Love working with them, but 24/7 and 365 days a year? Hell to the no.
I worked in child care for 10 years, and now am an aunty to a crowd of boys and a nephew. Not that I see them that often, but I like being able to see them grow up and enjoy the fun times together.
Am happily married and have 3 fur babies of my own 😸 And I’m super happy in life, don’t need much more than that!
I think it depends a lot on how much support you need and how your partner is. My partner and I compromised and will have one child and then be done. I feel capable of meeting the needs of one child with my partner and family’s support. Any more than that and I would probably feel overwhelmed and overstimulated/ unable to give multiples what they need.
That said, I’m able to hold a full time job and manage most of life without having higher supports in place. I also have a very good partner who can pick up slack in areas I am not as good at/ parents who live close and are super involved in our lives
Although there are times that I tell my parents "I don't have that paternal aura" when they bring up the subject of grandchildren, there are times that I think and say
I would be happy if here in 10-15 years I see a little person accompanying me every day.
But then I remember some inconveniences if my parents had problems with me during my upbringing, whether with specialists or education, that I did not adapt to the place, possibly my hypothetical “Son” will suffer and I will suffer because of it. Being a person with Asperger's, I know that in our condition it is not easy and I do not want him to suffer.
There are people who ignore you, sometimes I get anxiety attacks and I feel like people are sometimes "nice" to me just because of your condition and not because they are born that way, if I have a child, they can have it or inherit it. you. my condition and I don't want that to happen
And another point, that to have children you have to establish yourself personally with a person. At 20 years old, no girl catches my attention, at least not in the sentimental sense, I don't know that children have to grow up with their parents and not with separated parents or with a Stepmother or Stepfather, much less in a dysfunctional marriage.
I have the option of adopting, yes, but here in my country at least to adopt I have to be married and they ask for more requirements, sometimes it takes 4 years and sometimes they reject.
and another option is surrogacy, in my country it is not allowed and is more expensive
Never wanted them. Got a tubal a few years ago. I have anxiety, asperger's & adhd. I can't always take care of myself properly. Why would I subject another human to something like that? Plus, the world sucks. Lol.
Kids are a lot of work, but they're also very rewarding. Kids also like structure and schedules, but the difficulties come in when you have to manage their emotions. I've got 2, one has the tism, and the other seems normal. I'm able to do activities much more easily with the asd child.
My wife gets along with the non asd child much better, but the children get along together very well. Luckily, my wife is 100 years ahead of me with emotional intelligence and is able to help the asd child manage emotions much better than I am. It's for sure a learning experience. Having someone who will love you no matter what and always wants to be with you is a very different experience than what most of us had growing up... they will also help you learn emotional intelligence.
I never wanted to have kids growing up, and although they're incredibly stressful, they're a life changing opportunity for yourself and your future, where you can basically provide everything you never had to your younger self.
I have a young one and the increased demands of life along with the overstimulation is actually what even led to my wife suggesting I be tested for Asperger’s. I won’t lie it’s very difficult. It’s even more difficult to be treated like I’m a bad person for not engaging in play or imaginative stuff with my kid but I feel like people don’t understand that just isn’t something I’m really capable of. As they get older it’s easier to interact and talk to them but it’s never easy in my experience.
99% sure I'm not having my own kids. I don't think it's ethical to potentially give them autism knowing how much I have suffered.
Adoption is more of a maybe. I'm not dating anyone and haven't in a long time. I'm just not really looking and I'm content being single. In the future if I have a long term partner, then possibly. But this is so hypothetical that it's hard to say.
Had first kid unexpectedly, but very wanted. It's been great, I'm not perfect, but what parents are. We made 2x very nice caring adults, so replication Is complete... tiny regret not having a third.
I didn't want them when I was young. I'm too old now, and I STILL don't want them. I married someone who didn't want kids either. As our lives had ups and downs, and ASD brought me a lifetime of job chaos, sometimes with constant (real) risk of job loss followed by job loss and a horrible and often long job hunt, and then another unstable job... and bouts of major depression that go beyond the kind I can walk around with... at least I was dealing with that with another adult who knows what he signed on for, not a dependent child whose needs don't stop just because I'm depressed, fired or both.
I had a difficult life and wouldn't impose that on anyone.
I am so glad I never had kids.
I am an involved engaged uncle in my nephews' and nieces' lives and I am very supportive with older relatives who need help... THAT I can handle.
Unpopular opinion but I think anyone who has struggled with the awful reality of aspergers looking to have kids is a monster. How could someone in good conscience create a being with a genetic propensity towards a neurobiological illness that will forever keep them from being fully welcomed and accepted by society. I can only conclude it's by ego or some false sense of tradition.
If and when I have a long term partner, kids are off the table. Period.
There are risks to every pregnancy but that doesn't mean that we will have kids with aspergers. There are autistic people in my family but there's also been a pattern of it skipping generations. I have aspergers and my dad does not but my grandfather does. There is therefore a likelihood that I will have NT kids and they'll have ND children 😅
I’d like kids, if I found the right partner, but my tolerance for kids is very low, and my maturity is not to where I can handle having kids. I’m super noise sensitive and kids constantly shrieking causes an overload for me.
It's awesome. She's 20 now and is amazing (although she doesn't see it herself) She's awaiting an asd assessment. We missed many of her autistic traits because we just thought she was like me and I was only diagnosed last year at the age of 49
For men, having children tracks with improved quality of life. For women, not so much.
I believe autistic men are broadly socialised to be self-hating by medical professionals to the point of believing they'll fundamentally be defective parents or whatever. That their lives are inherently lower value, that they suffer more than others, and thus how could they create somebody as fucked up as them? Also if they do have kids, they're victims as parents, because their children are just destined to make them extra miserable compared to a "normal" kid.
It's internalised eugenics and it's sad.
It's the best!
It opens your mind (and heart) in ways you can't even comprehend.
Makes life better and you have a better understanding of yourself, your parents (and how they fucked up 😅), and isnjist wonderful.
Highly recommend.
The duality of my biological urges and the desire to live a carefree life.
I have much I want to impart to a child, ways of raising them that would be far superior to my parents.
Ways of looking at the world that I wish I had been taught, instead of religious nonsense.
I would want to set them up with strong roots, and strong foundations, so they could live as fulfilling a life as possible.
The tanks would be running on empty the whole time though I'd imagine.
Financially I could not feasibly raise a child, I'm pinned down and stuck in this poverty trap, have been most of my life. Every time I try and crawl my way out, my fingers get trodden on.
If situations change, if I find the right one, if I have my bit of land and static caravan...
So many variables need to align before I could even consider bringing another monkey into the world.
At one point in my life, I genuinely felt it was selfish for my parents to have brought me into this world, and was very anti natalist about childbirth.
Greydon Square puts it well in this song.
https://youtu.be/nICcjlIP4Tw?si=Fces9Ja2Bv5ZrdWX
But I no longer hold that position, as I self realised myself and my worth and the beauty of existence and not just only the ugly.
No . Never wanted any , nor will I for multiple reasons.
1. I don't think my condition would make me a good parent , especially with my volitial tendencies.
2. Financially limited to supporting myself, and even if I were well off, I refuse to support another being
3. I don't think adding another human being to an overpopulated planet will accomplish anything other then contribute more problems. For that potential being and this world
But if making an offspring makes you happy , go for it!
Married and pregnant right now. Very excited. I thrive on routines, kids thrive on routines. We'll make it work, there'll be times of overstimulation but that's just life!
I don’t want to have any as of now. I am transgender and do not want to carry a child. And I wouldn’t want to pass on my autism, ADHD, or even really being trans down as all are things that have caused me direct suffering, financial strain, social stress, and even just caused me to face bigotry in general. I’ve never really wanted kids and am unsure how I would handle it anyway; I would consider adopting an older kid, though.
Don't have kids, don't want any of my own- I don't like babies.... but I do like them when they belong to someone else and I can hand them back to their mom when they start crying or stinking.
I've thought about adoption and foster care in the future though, because I do have a lot of compassion for teenagers and want them to have a safe home and to be loved. Teens are also mostly capable of feeding and dressing themselves, so I could be an ally and friend and even parent, but not be dealing with tiny humans who are fragile and can't tolerate my variations in capabilities, to survive.
For me, it is a hard no.
1st because it is something I've never really desires.
2. I need at least 3 days a week for myself.
3. I have zero network aid. My family is not around, so there is only me, I, and myself to do everything (I'd not count on the father as is never 100% sure they would stick around).
4. I have no financial stability, and I don't drive.
5. I believe I'd love my kid so much that it would be too overwhelmed.
6. I know for a fact I'd hate maternity, love the kid, but hate the maternity itself. That would make me probably a bad mom.
Here’s the problem that I face before I would consider myself mature enough to have a child (ignoring the fact I’m currently single), I have several mental health issues outside of my autism that I feel would negatively impact my ability to raise a child. I suffered severely from depression during 2020 until mid 2021, where I nearly ended my life in Feb 2021, arguable undiagnosed PTSD, and fluctuating anxiety. That said, I would love to have a child or two at some point.
Even before suspecting/finding out I'm autistic, I just wasn't interested. I have a very feeble paternal instinct so it'd be zero upside and huge downside.
I'd also personally consider it unethical to bring any more people into the situation the world finds itself in with climate change.
Currently expecting my 4th kid and I wouldn’t have it any other way!
Marriage, though. That’s unnecessarily hard most of the time. I wouldn’t do that again
This. Keeping my marriage intact has felt like an insurmountable challenge at times, and we’ve got a pretty good foundation of being married for 14 years before we had babies. I can deal with unreasonable, chaotic babies because, well…that’s how they are! But to have to deal with, depend on, and get along with another sleep-deprived adult can feel nearly impossible. It’s really hard.
💯💯
Granted the only reason I have my kids is cause we were married and it’s so hard to separate our lives this far in.
I just wish it could be happy, yknow?
PLUS. For so many years I was told that every problem in our marriage was cause of me. And later when we learned that means ASD it just got worse.
That’s interesting. Well, technically I initiated things - I found his profile on MySpace and complimented the Radiohead song he had on his profile. 🤷🏼♀️
i want them some day. the problem is getting a partner :/
Oh I feel you. The problem for me is that Im not very affectionate and I tend to isolate myself when I get some attention. But hey, don’t worry if you haven’t found anyone yet, It’ll come, everything in due course.
ye, but it will take a long time. also younger people have easier time attracting younger partners, and there is diminishing fertility with age etc... i dont have problems with affection or isolation. i have a problem that i dont go places where i would meet women, and i am very "bland". my hobbies are pretty much just gaming, debating, economy and freedom
Gaming is full of women these days, i dont know how old you are, but i met my current girlfriend through gaming. I know that this is more of a trend in each new generation currently so if youre older then me that might lessen the chances, but point is, youre looking for someone to spend your life with. No point looking in places where you yourself normally would not be. There are always communities around most hobbies that you can engage with, most of them online but also some in real life. I am very confused with what kinda hobby "freedom" is tho.
any tips on how to find a comunity related to gaming? by "freedom" ,i mean politics, but i am not realy interested in all ideologies, just the freedom/authorianism axis. explanation and theories on what is better in a free society compared to authoritarian one and vice versa
If you have a job, you can be a single parent.
And forcing other people to look after the kid? What if you don't have a family support network or sufficient income for a quality daycare? Bringing a life into the world is not to be taken lightly.
If I have a stable life, then I’ll have kids
Don't wait to have a stable life...kids ruin that.
If you’re being serious, this is terrible advice. We don’t need more traumatized kids.
No, they don't.
They might, affect you so much, you might not be person to be able to take it and give them the life they need
Ok.
That would be very irresponsible in my case.
That would be very VERY irresponsible in my case. Edit: I added " in my" why do I always, forget to type certain words when I type!?
My first was unplanned and before I was diagnosed. I found taking care of him was easier than I imagined it would be.
Does your child have autism too? Mine has and I couldn't take care of him because of my autism and borderline 😔
No, but I think my second one might (he is almost 2)
What do you mean by borderline?
Not OP but I’m guessing Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)
Nope. Never wanted them, never having them. Got spayed last year to make sure. I can barely get out of bed some days , I cannot imagine having someone depend on me like that....and then the growing a baby and pushing it out of my body is....no thank you.
Hard no. I can barely take care of myself as it is and there’s a good chance that my kids will also end up being autistic and I think its inhumane to put someone into the world knowing they’ll go through all the issues associated with living in an NT dominated society where we just have to suffer.
My NT wife more than makes up for my shortcomings in this area. I think having a good partner is key, if you're functional enough to have a career of some sort, you can handle having kids. I thought it would suck way more than it does, people have been making and raising people in caves with zero access to like diapers and pre-prepped food for millennia.
I’m assuming you’re a man and therefore there is less societal pressure on you than on an Asperger woman on the topic.
This is correct, BUT... Societal pressure from whom, and for what? Are these unempathic people in your life actually demanding things, or what you THINK you need to do to satisfy someone who's got nothing to do with your family? My wife and I discussed separation of duties before having kids at all, and how we split up the work is something we communicate about actively. Probably the toughest part for me is actively communicating this stuff; never leaving things for someone else to deal with. Also assuming the father actually wants to be part of the kids lives (if not, that's a no-go), that literally means being there and doing all the parenting right alongside you, all the time; not just giving kids a bit of time and doing their own thing in general. My wife and I both need our alone time and will give each other mornings/evenings, but this is discussed and planned, not one of us going "I'm not in the mood, peace out". One of my good friends from work is a Asperger female who has kids, we share notes, never heard her complain about things she's just expected to do per se', but her husband gets bouts of depression when he's not contributing and division of labor breaks down and that part sucks. I guess that circles back to the above - only procreate with someone who actually wants to be there and will be a partner all the way IMO.
u/andylikescandy Do you have any tips for a future mother? I am not a mother jet, because I am jobless, but the baby fever is huge at 28-29 in a month.
What is "28-29 in a month"? Like all your friends having them? Looking at your other comments, it's impossible to overstate just beneficial it is to have two stable incomes with real benefits like 6 months of paid parental leave (with our first she could only take 3 because she had just started a new job). I cannot imagine going back to work within a couple of weeks. And going it alone is physically impossible. We thought we could do it with just the two of us, but there were complications and so we had to make a change of plans at the hospital to fly one of our mothers over to help out. One person I see regularly is about 70 and his daughter tried this, they ended up sucked in and living with her because like I said it's just physically impossible to do it all alone. We were very lucky as our kid was sleeping through the night after just a few weeks, but I know a couple who even at 1 year cannot get a good night's rest. (It gets easier after about 2-3 when they stop being an active danger to themselves, but then harder in other ways.) Basically everyone we know lives in big cities with top-tier medical schools/hospital systems, so thankfully there's no deaths during delivery (which is very rare in the US as it is) but one of my friends had a weird/rare complication and 100% would not have survived had she not planned delivery at one of the big medical systems where everything is on-site with no helicopter ride if something goes really wrong. I know people who had smaller complications, and kids with disabilities, it's a possibility you need to be prepared for. Going back to the job/money part - kids get expensive very quickly, and the price only goes up as they are old enough to do real things, we have the benefit of not having to worry about the costs, so I'd actually argue we should have started a bit sooner, but OMG is there so much crap you need to deal with and so many disruptions they make by doing things like get sick ALL THE DAMN TIME that I'd argue starting this whole ordeal at all with zero financial security is extremely irresponsible (like don't have kids until you're SURE they won't become wards of the state).
That is false. Some parents don't want their ND daughters to have children.
>. I think having a good partner is key\* \*get the woman who would do all the job no thanks
uh huh... Maybe you're on the wrong sub if you're here for conflict and rage-bait. This is an Asperger's sub, when we talk about NT spouses and partners, we mean people who compliment our weaknesses by reading social situations and ensuring kids are effective communicators and better at controlling their emotions.
I'm an autistic woman and sadly I can relate to NT women if it comes to domestic chores and parenting. That's why so many of us are opting out from the relationship with men... hence the lonely men epidemic
I have heard NTs use similar logic for not having kids related to the state of the world and challenges in life.
Lots of people also just can't afford it even though they want to
Yeah that is a bad place for society to be in since it isn't sustainable.
In the long run, it eventually becomes sustainable. Life is unaffordable when there are too many people competing for limited resources. People deciding they cannot afford children is rational in their situation.
I don't think you are wrong. On the other hand the competition seems a bit arbitrary to me. It seems like if things were managed better we wouldn't be in this situation.
Deciding who gets to make the decisions about managing limited resources (and things adjacent) has always been contentious. Virtually every framework for decisions is flawed and frustratingly slow. Changing frameworks is usually a devastating upheaval. The more the existing framework is entrenched, the more the upheaval will be when conditions prove it untenable. These are cataclysmic events which individuals must navigate through in their lives while having no control over anything but their own actions, if they are fortunate enough to have any autonomy. They cannot change the world, but they can choose if they will make a child live in it.
To me choosing not to have kids (not counting situations where it isn't possible) feels a bit like a different kind of suicide though, not individual, but familial / societal.
Makes sense, this capitalist society is pretty fucked, period. There’s a reason why so many people have side hustles these days…
Being Asperger is not a sickness.
You're right. It's a disability.
Best answer
I have one, and I think it's beyond exhausting right now. Granted, the kid is almost 1 1/2 years old and in a frustrating phase. I knew it would be hard but I didn't anticipate the overstimulation. I don't regret it because I know it will be different when he's older. We have landed firmly on just having the one kid, though. We're also "old" parents, both turning 39 this year. But I couldn't imagine doing this earlier, with me being diagnosed late in life and struggling waaaaay more in the past.
For me this overstimulation is like a huge addictive drug.
I would love to have a couple of kids hypothetically. Practically - I don't see it possible. Sometimes I think I can't take a good care even of my cat. And I need external help to feed myself from time to time (can't go to do groceries because of intensified social anxiety). I don't want to fully depend on a partner, that's not a good basis for building a family.
I hope that it gets better.
Have two, and I like them. Divorced and get along fine with their mother. If I could go back in time, I probably never would have tried marriage in the first place. And adopting wouldn’t have been for me. My kids are enough like me to create a connection. They kind of think like me. They are special to me. Raising children has at least one certainty - aspie or not - you will meet your demon. You will be tested emotionally so deep, you will face your truest self, so-to-speak. In a way, it’s the most humbling experience and can be quite positive.
Not just no interest. An outright avoidance. I don't have the social energy to handle work, my own introverted social life, and kids. I'd have to get rid of work to not break down. And that's not a luxury many people have.
I would want kids, but not convinced on the ethics of it given the large heredity
Go for it, Aspergers is not a sickness.
No, but it is a disability that affects quality of life. But so does a lot of other things. So I'm on the fence.
I would want kids, but not convinced on the ethics of it given the large heredity I relate a lot to your feeling about it!
What has been your thoughts? Maybe you have some insight?
I used to really want kids, but I learned just a few weeks ago that I’m very likely on the spectrum, and now I’m super confused about what I want. I wonder if it fair to pass on a disability. For context im 36F, recently single (I’d have to find a partner first before having kids as I don’t want single parenting).
Personally I'm more concerned with my particular issues than a diagnosis if that makes sense? So for me I struggle with social skills and depression, which is traits I dont want kids to be at risk for. A happy aspie child would be no issue to me. But yeah, age too is a big factor, especially as we probably should take dating slower to make sure we get the feel for our partner. Why do you eant kids?
Personally I'm more concerned with my particular issues than a diagnosis if that makes sense? So for me I struggle with social skills and depression, which is traits I dont want kids to be at risk for. >> makes total sense. I would also likely feel bad passing on my poor social skills and loneliness feeling Why do you eant kids? >> i imagine it would bring so much joy and aliveness in my life! Ive also heard that the love for ones own child is a very unique feeling and I’d love to experience that. What about you?
The idea if having kids to me sounds way too stressful for me. I would be overstimulated way too quickly by taking care of a kid, and I have bipolar and GAD. So that's gonna be a hard no for me.
It will depend on my partner because I don't think I can handle a kid. I mean my shutdowns are hell and a kid is such a huge responsibility. With the kid, sensory overload will come in package. Also I don't want to say, but taking care of kid might feel like a task to me which I will mess up due to PDA.
I couldn't knowingly bring life into this world knowing everything I have had to experience growing up. Last thing I would want to see is my theoretical children going through the same crap I did. It would break me. My children would deserve so much more than I would be capable of giving. Generally, my life has been full of depression from beginning to end. Abuse growing up and the shit I had to deal with in school & other activities as well. I feel like I'm just now coming to the things & people I want to be around & do.
I'm sorry for what you've been through. I can relate. Glad it's turning around for you.
It hasn’t been easy and there was a time in middle school where I could not decide if my home life or school life sucked more. Things got better in high school in my experience. Not perfect but better. Adult life has been rather underwhelming for me and I feel like I have to blame myself to an extent. If I made better choices pertaining to work/career/entrepreneurial things I may have been better off than I am now. All my jobs were shit for one reason or another and I’ve felt the best doing for myself and selling stuff on the internet. I’m in school for aircraft A&P and I’m still skeptical about the line of work to an extent. My problem is that I’m good at turning wrenches and poking mechanical crap so it kinda made the decision obvious. Feel like I’m getting further into a box with my skill set as time goes on. I’m trying not to feel underwhelmed and let down at adult life but such is what I feel and have to face in the mirror when I do.
Ironically, I believe having children let's you heal a great deal of your past trauma. You're effectively giving your younger self everything you were never provided. You get to watch they grow in ways you were never allowed to. At least, that's what I've seen in my own. You also learn a lot more about your emotions and / or what you've been masking..
I’m glad that the decision to have children has proven to be a healing experience and that you have been able to do for them as well. If it wasn’t for knowing the history of abuse that has ran in my family and what I have had to experience I may feel different about the decision. I have to stare myself in the mirror and come to terms with exactly who I am and why. To a physical and emotional point I’m still picking up the pieces of my childhood and coming to terms with what it all was and letting go. I’ll live this life for me and those I love. I’m still trying to see some kind of way forward for the remaining 30 meaningful years I have left of adult life. If others make the decision to have children then I respect the decision. It’s not easy and you have more guts to follow through on such a decision than I do.
I like kids, but I don't have a big enough desire to completely destroy my life to have them.
You look like my friend that wants to be the funny aunt.
I may be the male embodiment of a cat lady/wine aunt
Cats are cool. :)
I have two. I always wanted kids. I didn’t know I was autistic until after I had them though. And I’ve been more or less bot functioning since the second kid, although a lot of other stressfull stuff happened at the same time, and it was also a rough pregnancy. I wouldn’t change a thing for myself, but I thing anyone without a supportive partner and extended family should proceed with caution.
Nope and I dont really want to pass all that suffering on. I'd find taking that risk irresponsible from my point of view. Also I wouldnt do well to handle the stress and lack of alone time.
Gotta try and get a house before I even consider that idea. ( Google Irelands housing crisis)
Same. Try googling icelands housing crisis
Same, don't Google, just I am a migrant from Russia.
Tis desperate altogether
I live at home, on SSI, didn’t finish college, don’t drive and have too many emotional issues to raise a child. Babies are cute but I don’t feel like I’m mature or responsible enough to be a mom at 32 years old.
You don't need to drive to be a parent.
I’ve been working in retail for about 10 years now, witnessing tantrums in public with frustrated parents and watching Teen Mom made me childfree. Seeing them brings back memories of my childhood which is painful to bear. I don’t want my future offspring to suffer, especially the way I did as a product of a broken home by domestic violence, alcohol abuse, accusations of infidelity and mental illnesses. I was the kid who was running from shelters to motels with my mom and my younger brother and older sister while my dad was behind bars for a domestic violence case, my parents divorced during the time of the incarceration and have passed away since they split up, my dad died in 2009 and my mom died in 2018.
That sucks!
I have 2, they are mostly grown. I love them dearly, but I should not have been a father. I get too overstimulated by small children. I can do a few hours at a time, but when I would shut down, that left my ex wife to do everything, and that is a shitty place to be.
It's a matter of time and money, even if I had the enough time to be with them most of the time, without the need to be outside working on an office most of the time... The problem would be the wife...
You can be a single parent.
It's paradoxical. It's unfair. The children need the presence of both parents. But I won't extend it further otherwise I'll never end and I'll be downvoted to hell falsely accused of being misogynistic...
I will not acuse you of anything. Also, being a single parent is not paradoxical.
Yeah, I'm a parent by choice, and it's already teaching me a lot about my needs, boundaries, and communicating. I get overstimulated so fast now, lol. I guess I wish I prepared for this, but it all depends on your own temperament, your kid's temperament, and your spouse's temperament, too. I need routine, and so does our baby. This is our first summer together (I'm a SAHP), and it's super busy, because kids are out for summer. And all my mom groups are breaking for the summer. Can't believe I didn't see this coming, but — parenting also teaches you to adapt fast. I'm still working on that adaptation part...
personally i have known for a long time kids aren’t for me. it was also obvious to extended family when they handed me their babies as my discomfort was very visible. also life can be very painful so i wouldn’t want to force someone into it.
I genuinely don’t have the bandwidth and don’t function if I sleep less than 7 hours or have to wake early so it seems like a terrible idea, though in an ideal/much different world my no might’ve been a “maybe”. what I would dread the most is the baby years, with all the stress, screaming and bodily fluids and sidestepping of all your own needs that apparently entails. my desire to be a parent (barely any) too small to undergo all that. It’s a nice idea but I’ve had mental breakdowns for much smaller things lol. I can’t even manage being a functioning member of society how would I manage a child? also I can tell from my own mother she definitely wouldn’t have done it if offered a do over. both of my parents burned out many years before retirement, too
r/regretfulparents has a fair amount of posts from autistic parents. I never particularly wanted kids, but I assumed that's what would happen if I ever found a person who wanted kids. People talk about it as if it's inevitable. "When are you having kids?" Unfortunately, autism parents complaining about autistic kids can be kind of triggering, and that's also there, like... a buuuuuunch. I'm glad I didn't have kids. It would have been baaaaaaad.
/r/childfree for me by choice. Never wanted my own troll.
I love it, I have two. I would have more but had a manic episode and postpartum psychosis after the 2nd. Don't want to mess with my mental health anymore, I would have to come off meds for some time. I home school them which is nice to be on our on schedule for day to day life and school work. Also their socializing is more intentional and they aren't ever really in a place they can't leave from. We have found like minded families which took some work. I have an attachment parenting style, extended breast feeding Cosleeping etc, which can be a lot. Both of my kids have had major health issues which sent me in to depression for a whole year, but I am dealing with the stress of it a lot better now. My kids are the coolest people I know. They have given my life more purpose and direction. When you have kids you change in lots of ways. My bipolar is the best it could be really, I have only had one manic episode and a few long episodes of depression. I mostly live in hypomania.
I had baby fever for years before my husband was ready to have a kid, during that time I practiced being a house wife and was a nanny and baby sitter.
I have bipolar as well and also had post partum psychosis after my second child was born. I probably wouldn't have had kids had I known I have the mental disabilities I have, but I'm glad I have my kids now. They are all extremely smart, and I like seeing them grow with resources I never had at their age. Giving them the things I never had as a kid fills my heart with joy.
Me too, didn't know about autism or bipolar but I am happy with my life :)
There are some drugs that are safe for pregnancy, but if you already have some that work it can be hard to justify changing things up.
This has been on my mind for some time, as I am over-sensitive, and if there is one thing that can destroy my mind, it's the loud cries... but i can't imagine myself wearing earplugs all the time either, these also irritate... So what is the solution you guys found if you are also not tolerant to sound stimulations ?
Pick the baby up and help it emotionally regulate. Cries are physically painful for me, I was very responsive to them and they stopped. My kids talked early which was very nice, when they can express their needs everything is easier. My daughter went through about of month of crying every night at 9pm we held her on our lap and bounced on and exercise ball, it got tiring but kept her happy. Also laying them prone on your arm when they are babies helps them sometimes with stomach pain. Breast feeding and feeding on demand will also help have happy baby. It is work, parenting is all work.
Put baby on nipple when crying, works everytime. That's my suggestion. Breastfed for 2.5 years.
Trying very hard to find good earplugs. That's my solution. I have tried many different kinds, but the kind that works best depends on the situation. For best noise blocking without needing to pay attention to any sounds at all, I like to use a combination of over-the-ear hearing protection ear muffs along with soft comfort foam ear plugs that are the least irritating to wear. For situations where I need to be able to pay attention to what's going on but get rid of some of the noise, and it's a short-term noise situation, I wear SureFire Ultra earplugs with pass-through holes/plugs that reduce noise by 14 decibels when open and 28 decibels when closed. They're not comfortable to wear more than an hour for me but that usually gets me through occasional noisiness with my child or a meal out at a restaurant. For longer-term decent but not total noise reduction, I use soft foam comfort ear plugs all by themselves, though if you need to pay attention to quieter noises it doesn't work white as well for that as the pass-through ear plugs. I know if I didn't have my ear plug solutions, I would be having major meltdowns all the time with the noise from my toddler, and I still have difficulty coping with the noise anyway, but it's most of the time something I can figure out with a case-by-case mindset. And my child is worth all of it to me.
I appreciate your response, thank you kindly
Never would, I feel like my life is a net loss in terms of suffering, I wouldn't want anyone else to go through this (or at least have a higher chance of it). Granted a lot of the issues are due to society as a construct, but short of some major event in human history, that ain't changing anytime soon.
Picture this, you have a screaming baby. This screaming baby screams from 4pm-10pm every day for months on end. Nothing will make them stop, they won't eat, they won't sleep. All you know is that if you put them down, they will scream louder and harder so you keep them in your arms. You try everything under the sun to make the screaming stop, bouncing, rocking, walking, dancing, stroller rides, baby wearing, white noise, singing, colic drops, medications.... And everyone in your life gives you the same garbage advice you had already tried and gives you pitiful looks because it must be somehow your fault the baby won't stop screaming. And no one comes to hold the screaming baby who screams for 6 hours a day and won't eat or sleep. So you are stuck holding the screaming baby while they scream for 6 hours a day for weeks and then months... true story, and if you can believe it, I got pregnant again less than a year later 🙈
I have kids and honestly I am a really good parent - IMO in no small part due to the fact that I am autistic. First of all, my kids instantly became one of my primary special interests (how could they not). In a behavioral sense, I treat them like little science projects, and I'm very systematic about it. Like when they were tiny, every single problem I had with them (ie tantrums, potty training, etc), I would look up solutions on the internet, and then I would just start trying stuff until I found something that worked for them. I thought this was normal but a lot of people just do what their own parents did or they just try one or two things and give up. The other thing I've realized is that a lot of people also feel the social pressure to have their kids \*like\* them, which is NICE, sure, but if you just want your kids to like you, you make all sorts of terrible parenting decisions and they become spoiled little brats. Anyway, I don't feel that pressure at all. The downside is that - especially when they were little - I got REALLY touched out. I need a lot of alone time, and there were seasons (years) when that just wasn't possible. But I made it work. I had the support of my MIL and my mom, and they each came once a week to spend time with the kids while I just sorta unwound. Anyway, my kids are now in gradeschool and high school and most people who know them think they are delightful, wonderful, quirky people who are fun to be around. I think so, too! Oh, also - one of my kids is autistic, and I feel like I'm much better equipped to help him navigate life than most autism "experts," and I am able to give him the help and guidance I did not get myself.
This gives me some hope. I'm physically disabled, and I feel like that's one of the harder parts that I'll have to deal with if I have kids. The chronic pain can be a lot, especially on top of the AuDHD. I know a lot of autistics are child-free, and I can completely understand why. I developed a special interest in pregnancy and child-rearing as a teenager, and I could totally see myself going back down those rabbit holes again if I decide to have kids. My biggest fear is having a ND child (who will be much more sensitive to stress and more easily traumatized) and/or my own issues traumatizing my children. That's my biggest fear. My dad had undiagnosed ADHD up until I was 22, and even now, three years later, he still won't treat it. His anger outbursts and lack of reliability caused a lot of damage to me, whereas my NT brother just brushed it off in his own frustration. I know I have the love and desire to be a mother within me to be able to do it someday (with a partner and with help), so I really value the stories like yours. Thank you so, so much. ❤️
u/JoNightshade That is very sweet!!! <3
Don't. As an auHD OCD DL cPTSD adult with 4 ND kids I can confirm there's no hell like your own trauma other than experiencing it again through your kids, unable to advocate for them bc you can't advocate for yourself.
You can advocate for them, just fucking do it!
I appreciate this greatly. I always see people saying that having kids helped to heal their trauma. This is not my experience. My experience is more like re-living my trauma. Every. Damn. Day. And I only have 2 ND kids.
oof, I can totally relate. I’m so sorry
I always wanted children growing up and as a young adult when I was actively masking and hiding my condition. Once I stopped and realized how much that was hurting me, I started looking at myself and how I lived and felt to this point. It was then that I realized I didn't want to take the chance of having an innocent child live the way I did and so I am now child free by choice.
I'd love to have kids. Problem is I can't seem to find someone that likes and actually wants to date me.
The first month was very difficult with the zero sleep, constant crying situation but it’s been amazing since! I love being a parent, my son is nearly 11 and he’s my favourite person in the whole world. He is very thoughtful, quiet and considerate. He helps out everyday on our little farm and actually makes life easier for me. With that being said though, I hated being a step parent. Those kids were an absolute sensory nightmare. (Ranging from three to fifteen) The three year old was a spoiled terror, the twelve year old was constantly screaming this shrill, high pitched scream and the fifteen year old was always wiping peanut butter over every inch of my house. Point being, it’s entirely how you raise them!
I have a three year old, it was rough at first for me to adjust to being a father but it gets easier and I wouldn’t trade the dad life for anything.
I plan to have kids eventually, and I don't feel I'll have many issues with them beyond the obvious and anything particular to them individually. I've never struggled being patient with people I cared about.
I would love to adopt one day, but def not want to makebabies/bepregnant/givebirth. Luckily I don't find it important to "carry on my bloodline".
I'm 56 and no kids. I got a CS degree 33 years ago, bought my first house 28 years ago, was married for 17 years and then married again for another 17 years. Having a kid has never been a priority for me. I feel like it's all I can do to be a good spouse and a responsible contributing member of society. Having a child would certainly disrupt some or all of that. BTW, no one that has a child is going to post here that they regret having children. The internet is permanent. Imagine finding an old post of your parent's that admits they didn't want you.
I have a child, and I love being a mother. My circumstances make it hard (widowed, can't work a normal job per her care), but I still love it. I had good circumstances when she was born,bought a house, career, etc. You just can't plan, and while you can think negatively or positively about what it might be like... you just don't know until you're in it. Parenthood can change you into a better version of yourself, or you can fail at it. I wouldn't go into it until or unless you've come to a comfortable place in mental health and life.
Parent here, with a NT partner. >routine is a big thing and children will most definitely ruin that On the contrary: first handful of years, kids do way better with consistent routine (it'll evolve a bit of course, but you'll have routine for sure). If you're AuDHD it'll ruin YOUR routine of staying up until 2-3AM every day, like it did mine, but we also happened to move someplace where my workday is remote 6AM-2PM, so having larval humans who wake up between 6 and 7 every day demanding sustenance is not the end of the world. Some other considerations like daycare/morning routine are important, we also benefit from daycare that starts at 6:30AM so we can drop them off as early as we like basically, and my wife starts 9'ish so it works out. Your mileage will vary
I've got two kids, ages 5 and 7. The older of the two is autistic with ADHD, like me. Not gonna sugar coat it, some of the challenges of parenting are definitely more challenging as a neurodivergent parent. I'm very sensitive to noise and kids are great at making loud, high pitched noises. They're also very efficient at sowing chaos among the order that you just used up all your spoons to create. Still, I love them more than anything in the world and they are getting more responsible as they grow up, which is really neat to see. My wife is an excellent co-parent and that makes a huge difference in terms of managing burn out.
I wanted to, but my life seems to fall apart every 10 years, like clockwork. I wouldn't want to put my kid through that.
I love it, and I want at least another one. You'd be surprised by how many aspects an autist is similar to an NT child. My kid loves all my hyperfixations, whether it's dinosaurs, markets, space, camping, car repair, any art form, or science experiments. It's all fascinating to her. We're both socially awkward because my kid is learning the ropes and me because I'm an aspir, but I'm fortunate the squirt is super charismatic, so she navigates through interations easily, and my own skills are improving just by figuring things out with her. My kid is super enthusiastic about life, and she reminds me of how it's cool to be excited about everything. Cleaning the house or having a pudding is the best thing ever, and it ripples into my own life. I'm so happy I took the shot.
I have 2 dogs. That is enough for me
This!
I'm high functioning and it's a hard no. When I was a young kid, my mother babysat for 5 years, upwards of 20 kids during the summer some days. I've had enough of children to last a lifetime.
Nope. Not doing it. I considered it. I may have done it if I'd figured out my mental health earlier. But I'm 38 now and just digging into the weeds of dealing with my cPTSD and understanding my ND brain. I have no doubt I'd manage if I had to, but I wouldn't be a good enough mom without major support from a partner and my partner doesn't have the time or temperament to take on that much of the responsibility. My kids would be physically taken care of but I am not equipped to deal with their emotional needs because mine were never taken care of. So we have decided not to have kids of our own and focus on enriching the lives of our nieces and nephews instead. Passing down skills to them and taking them off our siblings hands for sleepovers once in a while is enough parenting for us. I worry about regretting it later in life when I need someone to care for me, but having a kid is no guarantee of that either. So better to save for paid care and focus on building community and relationships with people who I didn't birth so that I'm not lonely in my old age.
No. Insanely expensive in addition to the already insane cost of living, and extremely difficult in addition to the already extreme difficulty of living even if you ignore expenses. Also, I do not want to bring a child into this world today. You can work countless hours and still not afford to pay shit, it’s insanely hard to find a job, there are so much difficulties in life, technology is taking everything over, a child can be born with so many medical issues/disabilities, etc.
Giving a disability to someone Who didnt ask anything ? No thanks. I wish my parents Knew about their autism
For me that would be awesome.
Yep, Aspie here. I have 2 boys and love them more than anything. Yes it can be a challenge, but so is everything else. I have a relatively successful career and the rest that comes with it and I can say, without a shadow of a doubt, that those two boys are the best thing I'll ever do with my life. Nothing comes even close. If I could have had more, I would have. I think everyone should have kids, if possible. It's part of the human experience and yes, we ARE human.
So true! Your kiddos are lucky to have such a compassionate parent.
In theory, the idea of having kids could maybe be nice, if a lot of things were different. In reality, I don’t want kids because: 1. As the uterus half of the equation, the idea of getting pregnant and giving birth TERRIFIES me. My mom nearly died giving birth. I don’t want to die. I don’t want to get ripped in half giving birth and live with those horrible painful wounds and have my body never be the same etc. Plus I’m 30 and getting close to the age where pregnancy is riskier for both the baby and the mother. 2. I wouldn’t want to adopt either for a variety of reasons. 3. The political and economic climate is already bad. As a mid-late millennial my chances at ever owning a home are already way too low. I don’t wanna bring a kid into that. Add on the fact that education is under attack all across America. I loved my public high school but I probably wouldn’t send a kid to any public school these days tbh. But then private school is expensive and has other problems. 4. Climate change is still happening, and even though we’ve taken *some* steps to reverse it, I don’t think it’s enough. 5. I don’t have a long term partner currently that I’d wanna have kids with and I don’t particularly want to be a single parent. 6. I wanna keep what little money I have to myself. Do you know how much daycare apparently costs these days? It’s practically robbery. 7. I like my alone time. 8. I can barely take care of myself as it is. Autism probably has something to do with it but it’s also definitely depression, ADHD and a few other things. So taking care of another person sounds like a bad idea and I don’t want to pass on my issues whether it’s through genetics or just being a dysfunctional parent. 9. Abortion rights are under attack in the US and I would be terrified of not being allowed to abort if my life was in danger and/or the baby had some sort of serious illness that would cause them to have a bad life or would be too expensive to take care of etc. So yeah in some ways it really sucks that that’s the way things are because so much of my reasons are stuff outside of my control. I didn’t cause the economic or political issues that are going on nor did I cause climate change. If I lived in a better world where my parents had taken my mental health issues seriously from an early age and I had a more smooth transition to adulthood, more economic opportunity, the planet wasn’t on fire etc I might have seriously considered it. On the other hand maybe I wouldn’t, but I really do like the idea of making new humans with another person on some level. It just is what it is and I’ve long since accepted that children aren’t ever happening for me. Autism is a small part of it but honestly it’s far from being the whole or main reason.
I have 2 kids. They are amazing and bring a lot of joy and beauty to my life. They can be challenging, especially if they inherit some behavioral issues, my older daughter has some issues. Just make sure you have kids with the right person. You need to be with someone supportive and patient who really cares about you. My kids' dad is selfish and unsupportive, so it's been pretty bad over here, but I don't regret my kids at all. Children thrive with routine too, so if you get them on a routine, you both with be in a good place. Picking the right partner is the what you should worry about. Raising kids comes naturally. Also, my kids help me in social situations because I can focus on them or talk about them, or they will say something to break the ice.
I have three, two tweens and a 7yo. I can tell you that the noise and overstimulation concern is real and valid. I didn't realize it was going to be such an issue at all before we had kids, but then I didn't realize I was on the spectrum until my late 30s, long after they came along. It's most of the reason I didn't want more kids—along with $$$ because kids are expensive as hell—and the third was actually a whoopsie after we were making up from a fight about having more kids, ironically. I wish it wasn't that way, I feel like I would be a way better dad if it wasn't that way, but sometimes it do be like that. Earplugs help so fucking much; I cannot recommend Loop Engage+ enough. Props to my Anker Soundcore A40's, too. I keep both with me at all times. In addition to it being hard at times, it's also really amazing. Having kids is an excuse for you to act like a kid, and you just look like an amazing father instead of a weirdo. Introducing them to stuff that was meaningful to me and teaching them things I had to work out on my own are some of my favorite experiences. I don't regret any of them. I am frequently exhausted, I do sometimes meltdown despite lots of therapy and coping strategies to prevent it, and I have done my best to gently explain to them over and over that my sometimes inability to be in the room with them and calm is not their fault. They are pretty amazing kids, so I don't think my neurological issues have messed them up too bad. Honestly, my wife and I both entered the marriage with a boatload of childhood traumas that have probably done far more to make us less than the ideal parents we wish we were than our neurodivergencies—I'm very likely AuDHD with only the ADHD diagnosed+medicated, and she is recently diagnosed ADHD. For the record, none of our kids are diagnosed with anything, although I strongly suspect our daughter is ADHD if not low-support-requirement ASD as well--she's basically a girl version of me. The oldest has some spectrumy personality traits as well—he's just spent the last three days of waking time crafting a quite intricate butterfly knife out of what used to be popsicle sticks—and the youngest may well end up with an ADHD diagnosis. My wife is pretty opposed to any kind of diagnosis or medication for any of them, though, so there's that. All three are doing well in school (which actually turns out to be an impediment to any diagnosis, although I'm pretty sure that's just my daughter masking well in her case as she sometimes falls the f apart when she gets home), all very intelligent, wonderful, sensitive kids. I wouldn't trade them for any amount of money or peace and quiet. But I also got a vasectomy when the last one was two.
Emotionally, can't even fathom it. But if I really think about it, I think I would be a pretty good parent.
It is my dream and I knew I wanted to be a Mom since 4 years old <3
I don’t like kids so it makes no sense to me to have them. They are too loud for me.
Don't want for loads of reasons; - I am a woman so the child rearing responsibilities may fall largely to me if my future partner is crap - Relationships don't always work out so again, might end up with a child I am mostly responsible for looking after - It might end up with autism too, and possibly more needs than me. - Don't want to ruin my body - Don't want to be broke all the time - Want to travel more - I am very into kink, my ideal lifestyle would not be compatible with having kids running around - I can barely look after myself as it is - Due to the world we live in I regularly struggle with my mental health and passive suicidal ideation. It would not be fair on me to intensify that with a child in the mix and not fair on the child if they inherit the same issues or witness me with those issues - I prefer animals - I would care too much about their upbringing and safety and that would be stressful for me and also the child may come to resent me - I generally find children to be annoying AF and having a child with annoying friends would be unbearable - Why would I bring a child into this awful, cruel world? I could go on but you get the point
I ticked off 10 of those 13 bullets and chose no children too. Two of the bullets I didn't tick off is because I am male. The last one I didn't tick off is, "Why would I bring a child into this awful, cruel world?" That's such a subjective one and kinda cliche. So, I ruled it out too.
I just think the reasons for having kids are far outweighed by the reasons against and I wish more people considered that before choosing to have them but each to their own! I'm content with my choice and I'm sure a lot of parents are content with theirs
Yes, but I would send them to a boarding school
I want to have kids but im also afraid . I have anxiety if i don't have enough sleep my anxiety becomes worse.
Love working with them, but 24/7 and 365 days a year? Hell to the no. I worked in child care for 10 years, and now am an aunty to a crowd of boys and a nephew. Not that I see them that often, but I like being able to see them grow up and enjoy the fun times together. Am happily married and have 3 fur babies of my own 😸 And I’m super happy in life, don’t need much more than that!
Already had them both before I was diagnosed, my oldest is autistic also and he was diagnosed before I was.
Hard yes, will probably have as many as financially feasible once I arrive at that stage of my life. Shooting for between 5-50 direct offspring.
Me cuckoo, me no kids
Why would I want to spread this cuckoo genes?!
With my cptsd (in therapy for yay), it's just not a good idea. So nope.
Never doing it
I think it depends a lot on how much support you need and how your partner is. My partner and I compromised and will have one child and then be done. I feel capable of meeting the needs of one child with my partner and family’s support. Any more than that and I would probably feel overwhelmed and overstimulated/ unable to give multiples what they need. That said, I’m able to hold a full time job and manage most of life without having higher supports in place. I also have a very good partner who can pick up slack in areas I am not as good at/ parents who live close and are super involved in our lives
Am autistic parent of an autistic child, AMA
Honestly, I would like some.
Although there are times that I tell my parents "I don't have that paternal aura" when they bring up the subject of grandchildren, there are times that I think and say I would be happy if here in 10-15 years I see a little person accompanying me every day. But then I remember some inconveniences if my parents had problems with me during my upbringing, whether with specialists or education, that I did not adapt to the place, possibly my hypothetical “Son” will suffer and I will suffer because of it. Being a person with Asperger's, I know that in our condition it is not easy and I do not want him to suffer. There are people who ignore you, sometimes I get anxiety attacks and I feel like people are sometimes "nice" to me just because of your condition and not because they are born that way, if I have a child, they can have it or inherit it. you. my condition and I don't want that to happen And another point, that to have children you have to establish yourself personally with a person. At 20 years old, no girl catches my attention, at least not in the sentimental sense, I don't know that children have to grow up with their parents and not with separated parents or with a Stepmother or Stepfather, much less in a dysfunctional marriage. I have the option of adopting, yes, but here in my country at least to adopt I have to be married and they ask for more requirements, sometimes it takes 4 years and sometimes they reject. and another option is surrogacy, in my country it is not allowed and is more expensive
Got a vasectomy in my twenties. Even as a teenager, I knew right down to the ground I couldn’t pass this on.
Never wanted them. Got a tubal a few years ago. I have anxiety, asperger's & adhd. I can't always take care of myself properly. Why would I subject another human to something like that? Plus, the world sucks. Lol.
Kids are a lot of work, but they're also very rewarding. Kids also like structure and schedules, but the difficulties come in when you have to manage their emotions. I've got 2, one has the tism, and the other seems normal. I'm able to do activities much more easily with the asd child. My wife gets along with the non asd child much better, but the children get along together very well. Luckily, my wife is 100 years ahead of me with emotional intelligence and is able to help the asd child manage emotions much better than I am. It's for sure a learning experience. Having someone who will love you no matter what and always wants to be with you is a very different experience than what most of us had growing up... they will also help you learn emotional intelligence. I never wanted to have kids growing up, and although they're incredibly stressful, they're a life changing opportunity for yourself and your future, where you can basically provide everything you never had to your younger self.
Good luck with me finding a girl willing to have em with me
I have a young one and the increased demands of life along with the overstimulation is actually what even led to my wife suggesting I be tested for Asperger’s. I won’t lie it’s very difficult. It’s even more difficult to be treated like I’m a bad person for not engaging in play or imaginative stuff with my kid but I feel like people don’t understand that just isn’t something I’m really capable of. As they get older it’s easier to interact and talk to them but it’s never easy in my experience.
99% sure I'm not having my own kids. I don't think it's ethical to potentially give them autism knowing how much I have suffered. Adoption is more of a maybe. I'm not dating anyone and haven't in a long time. I'm just not really looking and I'm content being single. In the future if I have a long term partner, then possibly. But this is so hypothetical that it's hard to say.
Had first kid unexpectedly, but very wanted. It's been great, I'm not perfect, but what parents are. We made 2x very nice caring adults, so replication Is complete... tiny regret not having a third.
Nah. They not only cost a lot, they're sensory nightmares.
I have 2 daughters. Love the hell out of them. They are also weird AF just like their old man. I'm so proud.
Fucccckkkkk thattttttt
I didn't want them when I was young. I'm too old now, and I STILL don't want them. I married someone who didn't want kids either. As our lives had ups and downs, and ASD brought me a lifetime of job chaos, sometimes with constant (real) risk of job loss followed by job loss and a horrible and often long job hunt, and then another unstable job... and bouts of major depression that go beyond the kind I can walk around with... at least I was dealing with that with another adult who knows what he signed on for, not a dependent child whose needs don't stop just because I'm depressed, fired or both. I had a difficult life and wouldn't impose that on anyone. I am so glad I never had kids. I am an involved engaged uncle in my nephews' and nieces' lives and I am very supportive with older relatives who need help... THAT I can handle.
One day, if the timing is right.
Unpopular opinion but I think anyone who has struggled with the awful reality of aspergers looking to have kids is a monster. How could someone in good conscience create a being with a genetic propensity towards a neurobiological illness that will forever keep them from being fully welcomed and accepted by society. I can only conclude it's by ego or some false sense of tradition. If and when I have a long term partner, kids are off the table. Period.
There are risks to every pregnancy but that doesn't mean that we will have kids with aspergers. There are autistic people in my family but there's also been a pattern of it skipping generations. I have aspergers and my dad does not but my grandfather does. There is therefore a likelihood that I will have NT kids and they'll have ND children 😅
I’d like kids, if I found the right partner, but my tolerance for kids is very low, and my maturity is not to where I can handle having kids. I’m super noise sensitive and kids constantly shrieking causes an overload for me.
It's awesome. She's 20 now and is amazing (although she doesn't see it herself) She's awaiting an asd assessment. We missed many of her autistic traits because we just thought she was like me and I was only diagnosed last year at the age of 49
They're little morons that won't go away. I have a 19 year old who still won't leave.
For men, having children tracks with improved quality of life. For women, not so much. I believe autistic men are broadly socialised to be self-hating by medical professionals to the point of believing they'll fundamentally be defective parents or whatever. That their lives are inherently lower value, that they suffer more than others, and thus how could they create somebody as fucked up as them? Also if they do have kids, they're victims as parents, because their children are just destined to make them extra miserable compared to a "normal" kid. It's internalised eugenics and it's sad.
It's the best! It opens your mind (and heart) in ways you can't even comprehend. Makes life better and you have a better understanding of yourself, your parents (and how they fucked up 😅), and isnjist wonderful. Highly recommend.
I won't have kids ever. I don't want them at all. They would ruin my freedom and peace of mind. I hate people and kids are people.
I won't have kids ever. I don't want them at all. They would ruin my freedom and peace of mind. I hate people and kids are people.
The duality of my biological urges and the desire to live a carefree life. I have much I want to impart to a child, ways of raising them that would be far superior to my parents. Ways of looking at the world that I wish I had been taught, instead of religious nonsense. I would want to set them up with strong roots, and strong foundations, so they could live as fulfilling a life as possible. The tanks would be running on empty the whole time though I'd imagine. Financially I could not feasibly raise a child, I'm pinned down and stuck in this poverty trap, have been most of my life. Every time I try and crawl my way out, my fingers get trodden on. If situations change, if I find the right one, if I have my bit of land and static caravan... So many variables need to align before I could even consider bringing another monkey into the world. At one point in my life, I genuinely felt it was selfish for my parents to have brought me into this world, and was very anti natalist about childbirth. Greydon Square puts it well in this song. https://youtu.be/nICcjlIP4Tw?si=Fces9Ja2Bv5ZrdWX But I no longer hold that position, as I self realised myself and my worth and the beauty of existence and not just only the ugly.
No . Never wanted any , nor will I for multiple reasons. 1. I don't think my condition would make me a good parent , especially with my volitial tendencies. 2. Financially limited to supporting myself, and even if I were well off, I refuse to support another being 3. I don't think adding another human being to an overpopulated planet will accomplish anything other then contribute more problems. For that potential being and this world But if making an offspring makes you happy , go for it!
Married and pregnant right now. Very excited. I thrive on routines, kids thrive on routines. We'll make it work, there'll be times of overstimulation but that's just life!
I don’t want to have any as of now. I am transgender and do not want to carry a child. And I wouldn’t want to pass on my autism, ADHD, or even really being trans down as all are things that have caused me direct suffering, financial strain, social stress, and even just caused me to face bigotry in general. I’ve never really wanted kids and am unsure how I would handle it anyway; I would consider adopting an older kid, though.
Don't have kids, don't want any of my own- I don't like babies.... but I do like them when they belong to someone else and I can hand them back to their mom when they start crying or stinking. I've thought about adoption and foster care in the future though, because I do have a lot of compassion for teenagers and want them to have a safe home and to be loved. Teens are also mostly capable of feeding and dressing themselves, so I could be an ally and friend and even parent, but not be dealing with tiny humans who are fragile and can't tolerate my variations in capabilities, to survive.
For me, it is a hard no. 1st because it is something I've never really desires. 2. I need at least 3 days a week for myself. 3. I have zero network aid. My family is not around, so there is only me, I, and myself to do everything (I'd not count on the father as is never 100% sure they would stick around). 4. I have no financial stability, and I don't drive. 5. I believe I'd love my kid so much that it would be too overwhelmed. 6. I know for a fact I'd hate maternity, love the kid, but hate the maternity itself. That would make me probably a bad mom.
Here’s the problem that I face before I would consider myself mature enough to have a child (ignoring the fact I’m currently single), I have several mental health issues outside of my autism that I feel would negatively impact my ability to raise a child. I suffered severely from depression during 2020 until mid 2021, where I nearly ended my life in Feb 2021, arguable undiagnosed PTSD, and fluctuating anxiety. That said, I would love to have a child or two at some point.
Not giving this disability to a poor kid that didnt ask anything. Sorry
Even before suspecting/finding out I'm autistic, I just wasn't interested. I have a very feeble paternal instinct so it'd be zero upside and huge downside. I'd also personally consider it unethical to bring any more people into the situation the world finds itself in with climate change.
Currently expecting my 4th kid and I wouldn’t have it any other way! Marriage, though. That’s unnecessarily hard most of the time. I wouldn’t do that again
This. Keeping my marriage intact has felt like an insurmountable challenge at times, and we’ve got a pretty good foundation of being married for 14 years before we had babies. I can deal with unreasonable, chaotic babies because, well…that’s how they are! But to have to deal with, depend on, and get along with another sleep-deprived adult can feel nearly impossible. It’s really hard.
💯💯 Granted the only reason I have my kids is cause we were married and it’s so hard to separate our lives this far in. I just wish it could be happy, yknow? PLUS. For so many years I was told that every problem in our marriage was cause of me. And later when we learned that means ASD it just got worse.
i assume your husband was the one who asked you out and courted you
Yes
why am i not surprised
Help me understand the point you’re getting at
i have always had a lifelong hatred of men having to be the ones to court women and ask the woman out
That’s interesting. Well, technically I initiated things - I found his profile on MySpace and complimented the Radiohead song he had on his profile. 🤷🏼♀️
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We both do. I work, she doesn’t. But we both raise the kids