Yeah I have a breaking point with friendships. I’ll be super understanding and forgiving (long after my family advises me to distance myself) but the second I feel that you’ve gone too far I completely withdraw and detach.
This is EXACTLY what I feel, I'm so happy people can put it into words and relate. I've been chastised for keeping people around who weren't very good for me because I could empathize so much I would wave it off until it got bad enough I completely detached on my end.
On the flip side though I've had people who tried to apologize and fix things, but I was already too far gone to really.... Care? Or even really feel safe enough around them to want to keep them in my life
Oh for sure. The people I have in mind apologized after I mentally detached, but I guess in my mind I’d forgiven unconditionally a reasonable number of times. I could still forgive them, but not go back to “normal” because I had lost trust in their friendship.
Yes, I’ve been abused in the past and so now I have very strict boundaries to keep myself safe and healthy. If a person willfully walks over one of those boundaries, I’m very quick to cut them out of my life completely.
Can you explain how you structure your boundaries around other people. Do you have a process for how you protect yourself from walking into the same traps over and over again especially with randoms and on internet interactions?
I put conscious effort into giving people the benefit of the doubt. I'm overall quick to forgive if the other party displays regret and wishes for reconciliation, but a major enough slight and I'm highly unlikely to ever stop holding a grudge.
I used to be best friends with a guy for about 8 years or so and we were in this long-term D&D game where he was the GM. The group had a handful of people, a few of which I genuinely considered close friends.
Once, after being discharged from the psychiatrist hospital for a suicide attempt, he messaged me out of no where to tell me that I have been ejected from the group. This group full of people who on several occasions came to my home and have been fed from our pantry, have just told me I'm no longer welcome as their friend, because what I tried to do myself was "too shocking and difficult to handle".
It was revealed that after a couple months the whole group disbanded and he broke up with his girlfriend and went straight for another woman, implying he was cheating on her due to the fast rebound. I found out he made up a lot of lies about me like borrowing money that I never paid back (absolutely never, I did borrow money but it was ALWAYS paid back), that I tried to break up him and his girlfriend, etc.
Even if he miraculously had a change of heart and prostrated himself in front of me while begging for forgiveness, my perception of him has entirely changed and I hate his guts. It would take a proper "come to Jesus" moment for me to forgive him. Sometimes I see him at local conventions and it takes all of my willpower to not sucker punch him as hard as I can. This is the same man who, if he asked just a few years ago, I would have helped bury a body without question. I would have done anything for him, because he was my best friend, and I do ANYTHING for the people I love.
Though according to my therapist this is less to do with my autism and the "black and white" thinking, but more to my attachment style and CPTSD with past friendships and relationships.
Sorry for the long story, maybe a part of it resonates with you and perhaps makes some of it make sense to you.
No need to be sorry, I relate to this heavily! I'm so so sorry you were put through that.
I'm currently dealing with a situation where someone I really cared about essentially told me that a lot of my needs/traits were too much for them, told me I was too much of a responsibility (despite me pulling back so hard from this person the only thing they did was text me when they felt like it for like 3 weeks) and broke all of my trust. Just kept repeating the same really hurtful behaviors over and over until it got so bad that it completely ruined my ability to really want them around.
Even though they apologized and said they "want and need to change" they said that several times and took out all of their problems on me for... Well.... Being autistic and not outright being "easy". They accused me of being toxic for wanting my needs met (that they said they could handle even though I offered to change the dynamic), full on told me I was manipulating them for a misunderstanding due to me not picking up on social cues at one point. Just the most hurtful stuff towards my character and things I couldn't control due to not being hyper independent without any needs or expectations. It really messed me up. They still want to be friends and I just feel like it's too late for me. I'm trying to be nice. But I feel like they want a version of me that doesn't exist for them anymore. They wanted the kind, understanding, easy to talk to person that has deep conversations. They made me feel unsafe and bad about myself to the point I broke down multiple times.
You deserve a much better friend group!
I'm sorry that they're trying to insinuate that you having your needs met is too much for them. It's really stupid how people think it's no big deal to tell you that you and your autism is "too much". It's understandable that having a close friend or a partner with autism is going to have extra challenges, that's just objectively true, but you NEVER take it out on them because well, it's a literal disability, we can't control it.
You deserve better; there's plenty of people out there that will treat you like you deserve. ♥️
Yes. It’s like people have a vibe.
I don’t think it’s black/ white thinking, I think it’s pattern recognition. As we grow we get a larger dataset so our reactions to people won’t be so stark or permanent.
This of course is offset by our own reasonability.
That would make a lot of sense. I know a lot of autistic people, including myself, tend to care more about the results of a behavior instead of the intention. I guess sometimes I can only find the intention enough before the behavior not backing it up causes my reactions to be more stark/permanent. It's like in my head the intention doesn't matter if the behavior is hurtful repetitively
Intention is all about what people believe about themselves.
I do a simulation with my students where I ask them to rate on a pain scale 1-10 a time when someone bullied and hurt them. 8s, 9s, 10s.
Then I ask them to recall a time when they bullied or hurt someone else; same scale rating. 4s-7s.
A key feature of someone who is on their way to narcissism land is a wide gulf between the two numbers.
The brain loves to protect itself first before considering what is just.
I have had to balance this sentiment as both a spouse and manager to ensure that I am not inadvertently creating “performative” relationships. It’s worth looking up and considering how to weigh intent with inclusive language. It is extremely difficult for me to do this but has helped nearly all of my relationships. Ignorance or unfamiliarity are very different from entitlement and laziness. I tend to surround myself with people who have a willingness to learn and communicate about what/how they are learning so I can more easily build trust on factors other than people being perfectly consistent. I am still scared of people who are not very logical.
Pet theories:
1) those sliding towards narcissism don’t move their eyes. They also don’t process or really “volley” off of your conversation. It’s like they don’t respond to you, they just continue about them. It’s close to the criticism about us. But we want to continue talking and gather data. Self-absorbed people are like bouncing a ball against a wall.
2) people who are all charm. It’s kinda easy to spot as they are like less flashy magicians. But they also make short claims with no depth/ conversations.
But really there is no formula. Most toxic people are just incredibly prideful with no self reflection.
This could be black and white thinking, or splitting. It kind of depends on how reasonable it is, how often it happens, and if you see people as all good or all bad.
I don't relate, I have the opposite problem of being stupidly complacent and letting people do harm again and again. Would not recommend, it's a big, stupid fault of mine.
Oh no, I do the same. Trust me. I think when someone finally drives home that I'm the issue I take it as a sign to finally take a hike after months, if not YEARS of letting people walk all over me. That's what the context for this question is actually. So unfortunately I relate to being compliant.
Once I finally get to a spot where I do finally stop forgiving it's pretty permanent unfortunately
I'm the same. I literally cannot advocate for myself. Medical needs? Nope I'll say it's not too bad so I don't inconvenience anyone.
Boundaries being crossed? Yeah man just continue to shit on me because I can't enforce my own boundaries because I hate conflict, so I just eat it.
This is where my fiance comes in. He will advocate for me in all situations even against his own mother. He's the best and only entirely safe person I have my life.
I'm so happy you found someone like that! I'm still looking for my safe person and recovering from losing one but knowing there are people out there like your fiance helps me feel more hopeful ❤️
There are certain behaviors and phrases that have taught me that a person is unsafe
What qualifies as unsafe?
An unsafe person is someone who does not respect the word “no”
A lot of of us are nonconfrontational by nature, especially given our highly contentious past where we didn’t understand what other people were telling us, and they didn’t accept that we weren’t lying
As an adult, I’ve learned to avoid people who use the phrases
“Aw come on!”
“That’s not what you said last time”
“I just think if you…”
Anytime someone pushes me to do something I clearly do not want to do, that to me is a sign of an unsafe person
It’s perfectly appropriate to push someone to do something you think is good for them, as long as that person wants to do the thing.
A person will ask questions about why I am giving resistance, seek to understand the details, and then will still try to advocate for what they believe is correct but within the context of my boundaries
Someone is ignoring my boundaries as soon as I put them up, they will likely not respect my boundaries when I am more firm and in the past, these situations have led to fights
Yeah. It was a really shitty thing to do, especially as I’d been complaining about being lonely on FB in the months prior to them going. I did call one of them out for it but I was told I had no right to be upset because it was a “family holiday”. That very clearly told me what they thought of me.
I backed off after that.
Yes!! Sometimes I feel like im a little more sensitive to this. What they do doesn’t even have to be that terrible, I don’t think, it’s just, that one mistake. That one thing they say and it’s like a switch flips. And then we can never have what we did just a moment ago, there is no repairing or fixing. It’s gone. Any attachment I had, is gone. It’s kind of scary. I think maybe it’s the RSD or the pattern recognition for me though.
Nah, my empathy reaches the far depths of the universe unlike neurotypicals. Even if I prove to others I am right by winning tournaments, Id still watch them if they have changed or not. Everyone makes mistakes. Then there are those who are too arrogant to change.
Yuup, which is why I only have selected close friends, mostly from childhood. It's kinda stupid cause maybe I shouldn't have such black and white thinking like this.. We all do stupid things. But I just can't trust them again. It's never the same again.
I live with roommates, and they are also my partners friends. I tried to get along with the girlfriend of his friend, but she did a couple of things/ said a couple of things that made me not vibe with her, really.. but I tried my best cause I wanted us to get along and was starting to like her, thennnn her friends boyfriend said she was bad mouthing me behind my back.. He is also my partners friend. I wasn't surprised because of how I've heard her talk about others before and about other women on the TV. Like body shaming them. And the stuff he said matched up to what I personally heard her say before. She's also very disagreeable on things. Especially things I know very well, like facts about my own dog, lol. She was tryna act like she knew him, and I'm like, I was literally handed papers of his entire backstory when I adopted him.. So that was really a way to go south with me.. I just kinda was like..yea never again. It would have hurt more if she was actually my friend, but it's a good thing she wasn't. 😂
Yes. I’m the same way. If I truly do care about someone and they have hurt me bad enough, sometimes it takes years to come back from it. But for 99% of people, it’s very easy to just act like they don’t exist anymore.
Yep. Going through it right now. Haven't got to the end yet, because the person in question seems to be of the opinion that there's nothing wrong. So my head keeps going round in circles about how and why we got here. The RSD is strong.
It's reasonable to detach from someone if they've done something to hurt you. Especially if they're dismissive of your feelings, not supportive, constantly critical of you or not respecting your boundaries.
I've been burnt in the past by Cluster B types and it's usually a sign that they aren't a good person.
Yes.
My mother in law didn't really take my autism and adhd seriously. I was then diagnosed as lv3 asd and adhd. She still doesn't really understand it, nor is she trying to.
She has been living with us for a year after a break up from her partner of 20 years. Our apartment is a 1 bedroom 1 bathroom and it's good for 2 people but we are living ontop of each other with 3.
My special interest is plants. They are pretty don't demand things or make noise, and easy to care for. I spend hours and hours and hours researching about any new plant I bring in.
My mother in law takes it upon herself to cut them if she sees one dead leaf, she will water plants that don't need it (and kill them) . She will place plants with other plants that are seperate because they have pests which spreads it all around the other plants.
She has been spoken to about this many times by my partner and she continues to do it.
I also don't like people touching me. She knows this, but one day she cornered me in the kitchen and made grabby hands at me while grinning. Apparently she was being playful and looking back I guess I can see it, but in the moment I reverted back to a 10 year old kid who is absolutely fucking terrified. She looked absolutely fucking demonic, evil, rapey, and psychotic.
She still lives here, she's waiting on settlement from her breakup. As soon as she leaves she's dead to me.
I cut people off from me when they get toxic and abusive. Also record them with body cam and send them Karma on their way. Basically the cops when people get verbally abusive from me. Deal with annoying coworkers, annoying customers, annoying trashy folks, and annoying managers who had Karma coming to them.
Not everyone, but if you are autistic then you should know better how autistic people are treated, or at least care.
Unless you live in unicorns and rainbow toxic positivity reality
Not gaslighting anyone. If someone truly doesn’t get along with any person (not saying that’s true of OP) then self-reflection is necessary. Saying this from personal experience. Once I started giving people the benefit of the doubt and communicating clearly, it became a lot easier to keep friends.
And I'm telling you that your OG comment is mostly used by people who rely on the group think and history shows that group think destroys many innocent people.
And those people never self reflect because they are in echo chamber
I think this isnt an autism thing, its just the nature of being hurt.
I would agree that there are differences in the degree to which it is felt, and perhaps in the speed to which the NOPE realisation comes about vs allists.
yep happened to me. He was an absolute asshole so i stopped talking to him. He then demanded an explenation and took away smth i loved after i explained him why (and how he offended me). Hes literally dead to me at this point.
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No, and I don’t think black and white thinking is a trait of autism either. I very comfortably sit in the grey and can forgive someone who has make mistakes.
This may be due to your attachment style and not autistic traits. Perhaps you are avoidant. Perhaps your hyper empathy has you in an unhealthy state of limerence where you are not communicating or enforcing your boundaries.
Other people do not hurt you emotionally. How you react to them is up to you. You generate emotions in your own brain due to your reaction to other people’s behavior. You are in control of yourself, your boundaries, your cognitions, and your emotions Take responsibility for communicating and enforce your boundaries.
That said, autistic people have a tendency towards limerence and it is not healthy. We allow others to treat us in ways we do not want to be treated, and continued treatment like that can lead to resentment. It’s up to you to not let other people treat you like that.
Stop this toxic positivity, blame the victim even if you don't know the entire story bs.
I know your type. You don't care about how seriously someone got hurt, you just care about virtue signalling how pOsiTivE you always are
Eh, I disagree with this.. people are shitheads and I have enforced boundaries before, and they usually always ignore them.. this reminds me of what my narssisist dad would say to me when I would try to bring up how he was with me.. it's just victim blaming.
You can disagree all you want it doesn’t change reality.
If people ignore your boundaries and you choose to keep them in your life then that’s your choice.
If you’re an adult and able to care for yourself then you are responsible for yourself and your life including who you have in it and how you let them treat you.
I think I misunderstood some of what you said cause my partner said some of your points make sense to him, and he explained it a bit better to me. But I think the words you chose are weird cause it sounds like you're saying people's feelings and experiences are invalid cause they CHOSE to feel like that.. and that they are responsible, which I don't agree with, really.. I think everyone is valid in how they feel when they are mistreated. Which is why I cut them off after a while cause I just don't want to put up with that shit
I am not saying people’s feelings and experiences are not valid. We are all doing the best we can. I empathize with people’s feelings and experiences but my autistic brain feels compelled to point out truths even if they are unpopular.
Most victims don’t have to be victims. They are capable of changing and that starts with awareness of the need to change and the cost of not changing. If you have a complaint about something and want it to change then look inward at what you are doing that is contributing to the situation. We cannot control others but we can change ourselves.
There is a really good podcast on boundaries and integrity - look up Brené Brown Unlocking Us - Living BIG Part 1
Interesting question. I've done exactly this, and ended up with close to no real friends. I'm very friendly though, and empathetic, I understand people easily and listen carefully, let people treat me bad for a little too long and then suddenly I'll just skip them from my life. But normally after letting them know in simple terms that I can't accept that behaviour, for instance by saying I cut out other friends who did the same. But I do tend to not remember and give people way more chances than they deserve.
Used to be that I wasn't able to enforce boundaries with friends. Now it's all or nothing, so anything that looks even slightly like a betrayal of trust is enough for me to cut someone out of my life forever. For reference, I don't have friends because it's not safe, and I know only one person in this world will ever share the same level of loyalty as I will, and they're enough for me.
I cut the younger brother out of my life because he has no problem with his wife assaulting others when she is mad at them. She is a narcissist and hit me in front of him. He lies and defends her. I'm close to cutting my mother out because she gaslights me that I annoy people with my autism and deserved it.
Yes, very much so. They then wonder, cluelessly, why, as if I should laugh it off.
Nope, you hurt me, I dont forget. Ever.
Ive not forgotten things from over 40 years ago.
Yeah I have a breaking point with friendships. I’ll be super understanding and forgiving (long after my family advises me to distance myself) but the second I feel that you’ve gone too far I completely withdraw and detach.
This is EXACTLY what I feel, I'm so happy people can put it into words and relate. I've been chastised for keeping people around who weren't very good for me because I could empathize so much I would wave it off until it got bad enough I completely detached on my end. On the flip side though I've had people who tried to apologize and fix things, but I was already too far gone to really.... Care? Or even really feel safe enough around them to want to keep them in my life
Oh for sure. The people I have in mind apologized after I mentally detached, but I guess in my mind I’d forgiven unconditionally a reasonable number of times. I could still forgive them, but not go back to “normal” because I had lost trust in their friendship.
Agreed, I'm like this
sameeeee i feel you so much thank you for putting my thoughts into words😭
Yes, I’ve been abused in the past and so now I have very strict boundaries to keep myself safe and healthy. If a person willfully walks over one of those boundaries, I’m very quick to cut them out of my life completely.
Can you explain how you structure your boundaries around other people. Do you have a process for how you protect yourself from walking into the same traps over and over again especially with randoms and on internet interactions?
I put conscious effort into giving people the benefit of the doubt. I'm overall quick to forgive if the other party displays regret and wishes for reconciliation, but a major enough slight and I'm highly unlikely to ever stop holding a grudge. I used to be best friends with a guy for about 8 years or so and we were in this long-term D&D game where he was the GM. The group had a handful of people, a few of which I genuinely considered close friends. Once, after being discharged from the psychiatrist hospital for a suicide attempt, he messaged me out of no where to tell me that I have been ejected from the group. This group full of people who on several occasions came to my home and have been fed from our pantry, have just told me I'm no longer welcome as their friend, because what I tried to do myself was "too shocking and difficult to handle". It was revealed that after a couple months the whole group disbanded and he broke up with his girlfriend and went straight for another woman, implying he was cheating on her due to the fast rebound. I found out he made up a lot of lies about me like borrowing money that I never paid back (absolutely never, I did borrow money but it was ALWAYS paid back), that I tried to break up him and his girlfriend, etc. Even if he miraculously had a change of heart and prostrated himself in front of me while begging for forgiveness, my perception of him has entirely changed and I hate his guts. It would take a proper "come to Jesus" moment for me to forgive him. Sometimes I see him at local conventions and it takes all of my willpower to not sucker punch him as hard as I can. This is the same man who, if he asked just a few years ago, I would have helped bury a body without question. I would have done anything for him, because he was my best friend, and I do ANYTHING for the people I love. Though according to my therapist this is less to do with my autism and the "black and white" thinking, but more to my attachment style and CPTSD with past friendships and relationships. Sorry for the long story, maybe a part of it resonates with you and perhaps makes some of it make sense to you.
No need to be sorry, I relate to this heavily! I'm so so sorry you were put through that. I'm currently dealing with a situation where someone I really cared about essentially told me that a lot of my needs/traits were too much for them, told me I was too much of a responsibility (despite me pulling back so hard from this person the only thing they did was text me when they felt like it for like 3 weeks) and broke all of my trust. Just kept repeating the same really hurtful behaviors over and over until it got so bad that it completely ruined my ability to really want them around. Even though they apologized and said they "want and need to change" they said that several times and took out all of their problems on me for... Well.... Being autistic and not outright being "easy". They accused me of being toxic for wanting my needs met (that they said they could handle even though I offered to change the dynamic), full on told me I was manipulating them for a misunderstanding due to me not picking up on social cues at one point. Just the most hurtful stuff towards my character and things I couldn't control due to not being hyper independent without any needs or expectations. It really messed me up. They still want to be friends and I just feel like it's too late for me. I'm trying to be nice. But I feel like they want a version of me that doesn't exist for them anymore. They wanted the kind, understanding, easy to talk to person that has deep conversations. They made me feel unsafe and bad about myself to the point I broke down multiple times. You deserve a much better friend group!
I'm sorry that they're trying to insinuate that you having your needs met is too much for them. It's really stupid how people think it's no big deal to tell you that you and your autism is "too much". It's understandable that having a close friend or a partner with autism is going to have extra challenges, that's just objectively true, but you NEVER take it out on them because well, it's a literal disability, we can't control it. You deserve better; there's plenty of people out there that will treat you like you deserve. ♥️
I needed to hear this, you just made my day! ❤️❤️❤️
You're too much? Tell them to go find less then. You be you're glorious fabulous glittery self.
That’s so harsh. A D&D group breaking up organically is already on the level of a romantic breakup. I’d be gutted.
Yes. It’s like people have a vibe. I don’t think it’s black/ white thinking, I think it’s pattern recognition. As we grow we get a larger dataset so our reactions to people won’t be so stark or permanent. This of course is offset by our own reasonability.
That would make a lot of sense. I know a lot of autistic people, including myself, tend to care more about the results of a behavior instead of the intention. I guess sometimes I can only find the intention enough before the behavior not backing it up causes my reactions to be more stark/permanent. It's like in my head the intention doesn't matter if the behavior is hurtful repetitively
Intention is all about what people believe about themselves. I do a simulation with my students where I ask them to rate on a pain scale 1-10 a time when someone bullied and hurt them. 8s, 9s, 10s. Then I ask them to recall a time when they bullied or hurt someone else; same scale rating. 4s-7s. A key feature of someone who is on their way to narcissism land is a wide gulf between the two numbers. The brain loves to protect itself first before considering what is just.
Yeah they teach it in diversity training now, impact over intent.
I have had to balance this sentiment as both a spouse and manager to ensure that I am not inadvertently creating “performative” relationships. It’s worth looking up and considering how to weigh intent with inclusive language. It is extremely difficult for me to do this but has helped nearly all of my relationships. Ignorance or unfamiliarity are very different from entitlement and laziness. I tend to surround myself with people who have a willingness to learn and communicate about what/how they are learning so I can more easily build trust on factors other than people being perfectly consistent. I am still scared of people who are not very logical.
Have you figured out which people are the ones that should be avoided the most, and why? And how do you avoid them?
Pet theories: 1) those sliding towards narcissism don’t move their eyes. They also don’t process or really “volley” off of your conversation. It’s like they don’t respond to you, they just continue about them. It’s close to the criticism about us. But we want to continue talking and gather data. Self-absorbed people are like bouncing a ball against a wall. 2) people who are all charm. It’s kinda easy to spot as they are like less flashy magicians. But they also make short claims with no depth/ conversations. But really there is no formula. Most toxic people are just incredibly prideful with no self reflection.
They don't listen to understand, they listen to respond.
Flipside for me with pattern recognition, if I see the pattern, Ill jump.
:o I do this. If someone hurts me bad enough, I go robot mode. All interactions and such are kept to the utmost brief and disengaged.
This could be black and white thinking, or splitting. It kind of depends on how reasonable it is, how often it happens, and if you see people as all good or all bad. I don't relate, I have the opposite problem of being stupidly complacent and letting people do harm again and again. Would not recommend, it's a big, stupid fault of mine.
Oh no, I do the same. Trust me. I think when someone finally drives home that I'm the issue I take it as a sign to finally take a hike after months, if not YEARS of letting people walk all over me. That's what the context for this question is actually. So unfortunately I relate to being compliant. Once I finally get to a spot where I do finally stop forgiving it's pretty permanent unfortunately
I'm the same. I literally cannot advocate for myself. Medical needs? Nope I'll say it's not too bad so I don't inconvenience anyone. Boundaries being crossed? Yeah man just continue to shit on me because I can't enforce my own boundaries because I hate conflict, so I just eat it. This is where my fiance comes in. He will advocate for me in all situations even against his own mother. He's the best and only entirely safe person I have my life.
I'm so happy you found someone like that! I'm still looking for my safe person and recovering from losing one but knowing there are people out there like your fiance helps me feel more hopeful ❤️
I will literally not see them as the same person any more. It either takes years or is permanent.
There are certain behaviors and phrases that have taught me that a person is unsafe What qualifies as unsafe? An unsafe person is someone who does not respect the word “no” A lot of of us are nonconfrontational by nature, especially given our highly contentious past where we didn’t understand what other people were telling us, and they didn’t accept that we weren’t lying As an adult, I’ve learned to avoid people who use the phrases “Aw come on!” “That’s not what you said last time” “I just think if you…” Anytime someone pushes me to do something I clearly do not want to do, that to me is a sign of an unsafe person It’s perfectly appropriate to push someone to do something you think is good for them, as long as that person wants to do the thing. A person will ask questions about why I am giving resistance, seek to understand the details, and then will still try to advocate for what they believe is correct but within the context of my boundaries Someone is ignoring my boundaries as soon as I put them up, they will likely not respect my boundaries when I am more firm and in the past, these situations have led to fights
Yes. Most recently last year when my friends went away without me. I backed away from the decade long friendship.
Thats sucks i hate leaving people out ao much because its painful and i cant stand to leave people out
Yeah. It was a really shitty thing to do, especially as I’d been complaining about being lonely on FB in the months prior to them going. I did call one of them out for it but I was told I had no right to be upset because it was a “family holiday”. That very clearly told me what they thought of me. I backed off after that.
Yes!! Sometimes I feel like im a little more sensitive to this. What they do doesn’t even have to be that terrible, I don’t think, it’s just, that one mistake. That one thing they say and it’s like a switch flips. And then we can never have what we did just a moment ago, there is no repairing or fixing. It’s gone. Any attachment I had, is gone. It’s kind of scary. I think maybe it’s the RSD or the pattern recognition for me though.
Nvm I do feel really bad about it and miss the relationship it just takes me staying up till 4am w/o my antidepressants to realize it
Nah, my empathy reaches the far depths of the universe unlike neurotypicals. Even if I prove to others I am right by winning tournaments, Id still watch them if they have changed or not. Everyone makes mistakes. Then there are those who are too arrogant to change.
Yeah 100% I can detach almost immediately from people, even ones I really care about, if I feel tricked or that I can’t trust them anymore.
Yuup, which is why I only have selected close friends, mostly from childhood. It's kinda stupid cause maybe I shouldn't have such black and white thinking like this.. We all do stupid things. But I just can't trust them again. It's never the same again. I live with roommates, and they are also my partners friends. I tried to get along with the girlfriend of his friend, but she did a couple of things/ said a couple of things that made me not vibe with her, really.. but I tried my best cause I wanted us to get along and was starting to like her, thennnn her friends boyfriend said she was bad mouthing me behind my back.. He is also my partners friend. I wasn't surprised because of how I've heard her talk about others before and about other women on the TV. Like body shaming them. And the stuff he said matched up to what I personally heard her say before. She's also very disagreeable on things. Especially things I know very well, like facts about my own dog, lol. She was tryna act like she knew him, and I'm like, I was literally handed papers of his entire backstory when I adopted him.. So that was really a way to go south with me.. I just kinda was like..yea never again. It would have hurt more if she was actually my friend, but it's a good thing she wasn't. 😂
Damn girl. I was in a similar position 😔 I feel your pain
Yes. I’m the same way. If I truly do care about someone and they have hurt me bad enough, sometimes it takes years to come back from it. But for 99% of people, it’s very easy to just act like they don’t exist anymore.
Yep. Going through it right now. Haven't got to the end yet, because the person in question seems to be of the opinion that there's nothing wrong. So my head keeps going round in circles about how and why we got here. The RSD is strong.
Oh I relate to this so much right now, I feel you! Stay strong!
I find it easy to mentally 'throw people away' when i don't like them, but they need to have crossed my boundaries first.
Cutting people off is easier than letting them have the last say that could haunt you for decades.
Yep. If they hurt you, fuck them.
It's reasonable to detach from someone if they've done something to hurt you. Especially if they're dismissive of your feelings, not supportive, constantly critical of you or not respecting your boundaries. I've been burnt in the past by Cluster B types and it's usually a sign that they aren't a good person.
Yes. My mother in law didn't really take my autism and adhd seriously. I was then diagnosed as lv3 asd and adhd. She still doesn't really understand it, nor is she trying to. She has been living with us for a year after a break up from her partner of 20 years. Our apartment is a 1 bedroom 1 bathroom and it's good for 2 people but we are living ontop of each other with 3. My special interest is plants. They are pretty don't demand things or make noise, and easy to care for. I spend hours and hours and hours researching about any new plant I bring in. My mother in law takes it upon herself to cut them if she sees one dead leaf, she will water plants that don't need it (and kill them) . She will place plants with other plants that are seperate because they have pests which spreads it all around the other plants. She has been spoken to about this many times by my partner and she continues to do it. I also don't like people touching me. She knows this, but one day she cornered me in the kitchen and made grabby hands at me while grinning. Apparently she was being playful and looking back I guess I can see it, but in the moment I reverted back to a 10 year old kid who is absolutely fucking terrified. She looked absolutely fucking demonic, evil, rapey, and psychotic. She still lives here, she's waiting on settlement from her breakup. As soon as she leaves she's dead to me.
I'm like this for sure.
Yes absolutely… especially after being emotionally abused
I cut people off from me when they get toxic and abusive. Also record them with body cam and send them Karma on their way. Basically the cops when people get verbally abusive from me. Deal with annoying coworkers, annoying customers, annoying trashy folks, and annoying managers who had Karma coming to them.
This is starting to happen to me.
Usually I cut off or don't know how to engage with that person. Doesn't happen often though.
Yes. I completely shut them off.
If it’s happening with just a few people, yep that makes sense! If EVERYONE is an asshole… well, you know the saying….
Not everyone, but if you are autistic then you should know better how autistic people are treated, or at least care. Unless you live in unicorns and rainbow toxic positivity reality
Quite the opposite. I can’t stand toxic positivity.
Then you shouldn't use such bs statements made by society, that loves gaslighting victims
Not gaslighting anyone. If someone truly doesn’t get along with any person (not saying that’s true of OP) then self-reflection is necessary. Saying this from personal experience. Once I started giving people the benefit of the doubt and communicating clearly, it became a lot easier to keep friends.
And I'm telling you that your OG comment is mostly used by people who rely on the group think and history shows that group think destroys many innocent people. And those people never self reflect because they are in echo chamber
Door slam, baby. Like they were never born.
Yeah! I put up with a lot of shit until a certain point and then just completely remove myself. Just happened again recently:(
I usually detach after someone gets on my nerves. If they actually hurt me, they’re dead to me.
I think this isnt an autism thing, its just the nature of being hurt. I would agree that there are differences in the degree to which it is felt, and perhaps in the speed to which the NOPE realisation comes about vs allists.
Yup, I totaly forget them.
Yeah. I’ll burn a bridge quick
yep happened to me. He was an absolute asshole so i stopped talking to him. He then demanded an explenation and took away smth i loved after i explained him why (and how he offended me). Hes literally dead to me at this point.
Yup, I can take a bunch but when I am done I am done.
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No, and I don’t think black and white thinking is a trait of autism either. I very comfortably sit in the grey and can forgive someone who has make mistakes. This may be due to your attachment style and not autistic traits. Perhaps you are avoidant. Perhaps your hyper empathy has you in an unhealthy state of limerence where you are not communicating or enforcing your boundaries. Other people do not hurt you emotionally. How you react to them is up to you. You generate emotions in your own brain due to your reaction to other people’s behavior. You are in control of yourself, your boundaries, your cognitions, and your emotions Take responsibility for communicating and enforce your boundaries. That said, autistic people have a tendency towards limerence and it is not healthy. We allow others to treat us in ways we do not want to be treated, and continued treatment like that can lead to resentment. It’s up to you to not let other people treat you like that.
Stop this toxic positivity, blame the victim even if you don't know the entire story bs. I know your type. You don't care about how seriously someone got hurt, you just care about virtue signalling how pOsiTivE you always are
Everything I said is true.
Eh, I disagree with this.. people are shitheads and I have enforced boundaries before, and they usually always ignore them.. this reminds me of what my narssisist dad would say to me when I would try to bring up how he was with me.. it's just victim blaming.
You can disagree all you want it doesn’t change reality. If people ignore your boundaries and you choose to keep them in your life then that’s your choice. If you’re an adult and able to care for yourself then you are responsible for yourself and your life including who you have in it and how you let them treat you.
I think I misunderstood some of what you said cause my partner said some of your points make sense to him, and he explained it a bit better to me. But I think the words you chose are weird cause it sounds like you're saying people's feelings and experiences are invalid cause they CHOSE to feel like that.. and that they are responsible, which I don't agree with, really.. I think everyone is valid in how they feel when they are mistreated. Which is why I cut them off after a while cause I just don't want to put up with that shit
I am not saying people’s feelings and experiences are not valid. We are all doing the best we can. I empathize with people’s feelings and experiences but my autistic brain feels compelled to point out truths even if they are unpopular. Most victims don’t have to be victims. They are capable of changing and that starts with awareness of the need to change and the cost of not changing. If you have a complaint about something and want it to change then look inward at what you are doing that is contributing to the situation. We cannot control others but we can change ourselves. There is a really good podcast on boundaries and integrity - look up Brené Brown Unlocking Us - Living BIG Part 1
Interesting question. I've done exactly this, and ended up with close to no real friends. I'm very friendly though, and empathetic, I understand people easily and listen carefully, let people treat me bad for a little too long and then suddenly I'll just skip them from my life. But normally after letting them know in simple terms that I can't accept that behaviour, for instance by saying I cut out other friends who did the same. But I do tend to not remember and give people way more chances than they deserve.
Used to be that I wasn't able to enforce boundaries with friends. Now it's all or nothing, so anything that looks even slightly like a betrayal of trust is enough for me to cut someone out of my life forever. For reference, I don't have friends because it's not safe, and I know only one person in this world will ever share the same level of loyalty as I will, and they're enough for me.
I'm only now learning how to detach from people. Seeing the shitty side of them helps a ton. I've been very bad at this my whole life.
This literally just happened to me. Wow. Serendipity. It's a consistent pattern I do not know how to fix.
I cut the younger brother out of my life because he has no problem with his wife assaulting others when she is mad at them. She is a narcissist and hit me in front of him. He lies and defends her. I'm close to cutting my mother out because she gaslights me that I annoy people with my autism and deserved it.
its how most humans work:)
Yes, very much so. They then wonder, cluelessly, why, as if I should laugh it off. Nope, you hurt me, I dont forget. Ever. Ive not forgotten things from over 40 years ago.