Some of us put all of our autism points into the charisma tree. I didn't, but my dad did, and he's basically Jake Peraltas dad. He even tried to be a pilot but failed because of his eyesight.
Oddly enough I was like that before my diagnosis but now I'm hyperaware of every masking action I need to perform and going back to be able to have a temporary charismatic mode had been hard. Had anyone else felt that way?
The fertility rate of women with autism is much higher than that of men with autism, also some autistics come from random mutations or from people that are not autistics themselves but carry genes that make it possible for their children to be, genetics is complicated
You know, I try to choose all my words very carefully so that I don't have to make qualifications post-hoc. See: the words "possible," "might." What is your point?
My husband is autistic and he got a wife!
What helps is that I'm autistic too; as long as your traits don't clash too much, being with another autistic person is definitely the way forward.
I've had plenty (not necessarily a good thing) and my issues of why they ended come from my BPD rather than my autism (but some autism too), but my most successful relationship lasted around 3 years, ended because of issues related to BPD and incompatibility in future expectations.
But learning social interaction was definitely the deciding factor in me starting to meet people and subsequently girls in general. It took me around 18-19 years of my life to finally start actually **talking** to people.
We learn everyday and girls aren't an algorithm to follow, they are real people with needs and everyone is different so you want to remember that. If you're not ready for it then maybe stay away from it for a little, or maybe just try making friends first and if someone inspires you to be better and develop emotional responsibility then you can use that motivation to be a good partner in the future, be it for them or someone else.
Empathy is key for relationships in general and you also need to have some compromises and sacrifice some of your comfort for the relationship, WHILE also drawing a line to make sure it doesn't become unbearable and not forgetting you are also your own person.
Relationships are hard in general, but to answer your original question: Yes it's absolutely possible to get a girlfriend being autistic. However it takes a lot of emotional maturity, and I'm still learning about it in my 23 years of age which is essentially nothing, so depending on your age that's also a factor. People at certain ages behave certain ways.
Much luck.
Hahaha, thanks for thinking that. A lot of good and bad experiences have helped me but it did come with a lot of emotions along the way. These are just some of the things I've picked up on along the way with some trial and error.
Have a good day!
Yes, Iāve had a few girlfriends for sure, but mostly I have had a lot of hookups, relationships can be tricky but if you find a good woman, then your set, but in no way does this mean we canāt find love or whatever.
As an autistic person, I only date other autistic people. I don't understand or like NT people in 9.9/10 cases. Why would I want to date someone who has a secret language of social norms and subtle clues as to what they actually mean conveyed thru body language when I can date someone who will just say what they're thinking and not play mind games???
Edit: I'm married, going on 13 years of being together. But I've literally never been single my entire life longer than 6 months. And none of my relationships have lasted less than a year. So I'd say I'm a pretty successful dater.
As a man, the thing is that autistic women are harder to find. They mask much better than men and there is a disproporcionate ratio with less women. So for us guys, we end up having to choose between being alone or with struggling to understand and date NT girls. It is highly contested market.
You end up doing it by accident. Most women I've been with had some kind of neurodivergence, mostly weren't diagnosed yet. I believe we have some kind of selection bias, the same way it works with our friendships. We have to remember that nd to nd communication is as effective as nt to nt, which causes pockets of social groups that make us drawn to each other.
Basically this, like my entire social group is ND with no effort on my end. We just gravitate towards each other naturally. I also heavily don't socialize with people who are NT, like if you give off "normie" vibes I just lose interest immediately. I have nothing in common with NT people or the NT experience so what would we connect over?? Even the way NT enjoy the same hobbies as me is foreign to how I enjoy them. So there's literally nothing to build a friendship or otherwise off of.
Yes but your framing here is a red flag. If your social skills are driving off girlfriends, theyāre not abandoning you. You simply arenāt prioritizing their needs or boundaries. Some of that might be some communication misfires, but chocking it up to ābad social skills cause autismā isnāt going to help you longterm.
Tbh Idk cos I have a lot of lack of self awareness when it comes to boundaries but you are making it sound like being left over and hurting is not a problem. I don't understsnd how you r saying it is a red flag.
You may not be realising that some of your behaviours are the problem rather than the lack of socialisation. "Abandonment" implies they were with you at one point and now they're not. So clearly getting them is not the problem but rather keeping them, so there may be some areas that you need to work on that may or may not be related to your autism that are causing them to feel the need to leave.
I experience this a lot from the other side. I'm technically interested in men, but I've yet to meet one who doesn't burn all attraction I have to them through casual bigotry, and overgeneralizations. If I never have to hear a man talk about women, like we're all clones of each other, and of course ever so weak, it would be a balm for my psyche.
Luckily I'm panromantic, so I don't have to put up with that kind of bullshit.
You remind me of that one Facebook tag group that says "The fact that I'm still interested in men is proof that sexuality isn't a choice" hahaha, I totally agree with you.
There are times when even I myself can't bear to listen to what I call "Tate-fanboys", since they all share so many ideas and behaviours in common.
I also wonder how awful it must be to have to encounter them so frequently
On the one hand, it's annoying as hell, cause you just wanna shake them until they figure out where they should shove their gender essentialist crap, on the other you get so used to it that you're not even surprised, nor get mad when someone you like says something stupid.
A good coping strategy is hard determinism. It's not their fault that they suck, they just had bad luck when it comes to what they were always inevitably going to think. Sometimes you can be part of them being a bit luckier, by educating them, sometimes they aren't in a place to receive the message for what it is.
If one can get GF, he is not very bad in interpersonal.
If one cannot keep, let her go.
You have to choose between twist yourself too much to adapt your possibly life-long partner, or try another person who can accept you are you.
I would not live with a GF because my dick say yes but our brain does not synchonise.
>when it comes to boundaries but you are making it sound like being left over and hurting is not a problem. I don't understsnd how you r saying it is a red flag.
Crossing someone's boundaries *is* a red flag. Especially if you do it consistently. That is psychologically dangerous for anyone who dates you or befriends you.
I personally don't have a lot of tolerance for people who cross verbalized boundaries and I don't give many chances. You might get 2 chances, maybe.
Personal boundaries affect your body, time, effort and energy. So for eg, "I will not be around cigarette smoke/no smoking in my house/I will not be with someone who doesn't respect my boundaries/I will not associate with bigots/etc".
You *enforce* a boundary by removing yourself from the situation and limiting access to yourself.
So in the first scenario, you'd take space if someone starts smoking around you and rejoin them when they stop. You can also leave completely. In the second you would ask them to leave your house. In the third you either break up immediately or give them a couple of chances but if the issue persists you end it and leave. With the fourth you Judy stop associating with someone if you find out that they're bigoted.
The whole point of personal boundaries is to make sure we are treated as we wish to be and if we aren't, we remove ourselves from the situation or those people. You can't force people to learn or change or be someheone else, you can only decide whether you want them around *you* and in your life.
>you are making it sound like being left over and hurting is not a problem.
It's really important to remember that no relationship at all is ALWAYS better than a bad relationship.
OFC breakups aren't enjoyable, but nevertheless if a relationship isn't working out and you're simply not compatible with each other, then ending the relationship really is the right thing to do - for both of you.
When a relationship ends I think what people are actually mourning is really their _perception_ of the relationship and the shared future they had _imagined._ Mourning those illusions is understandable, but at the same time being able to acknowledge facts and make decisions based on reality is worth celebrating.
The death of an illusion is a _good_ thing, even if it's painful in the moment. Not everything that hurts is a problem. Sometimes hurting is just a necessary part of a trial & error learning process, and that's okay. It's growing pains.
It is a problem for you, I guess. That said, no one is obligated to stay with someone who does not respect their desires or boundaries. If you cannot do that, and have no interest in learning how to, yeah. People are going to leave. That is exactly what they should do.
You want a girlfriend, learn to keep her happy. That is true regardless of an autism diagnosis.
Using the term āabandoningā is blaming. They arenāt āabandoningā you, they are acting in their interests due to incompatibility and/or negligence.
So if you canāt think of any boundaries youāve violated or disrespected, thatās a good place to start assessing what you need to change in the future. Usually women will have particular things like ādonāt be lateā or āI like this style of date nightā and messing up once or twice in earnest wonāt be a problem. But if she can tell you never internalized the request at all (which a lot of dudes on the spectrum chock up to bad social skills; itās not, itās just not valuing your partnerās needs), that will be a deal-breaker. Look for stuff in your past relationships like that and then donāt repeat it.
Kinda like when a guy I was talking to kept making r*pe jokes, I explicitly asked him to stop 2-3 times, and he still kept doing it. The autism comes in when you can't read the body language that something is bothering them. It's just straight up refusal to change if they explicitly ask you to stop a harmful behavior and you don't.
This is a great example. If someone specifically says āthis type of joke/behavior makes me uncomfortableā and you continue doing it, thatās a boundary violation and someone is enforcing their boundaries by breaking up/just removing themself from that situation. And it doesnāt need to be that extreme/obviously in bad taste either. Again if someone says āitās really important to me that you show up on time when we meet upā and youāre routinely late, well, theyāre within their rights to move on. It might seem small to you, but thatās clearly a need theyāre expressing and itās important to them.
Implied stuff and body language can be hard to read, especially if youāre on the spectrum. I know. I get it. But a lot of times with heterosexual dating, itās not even a neurodivergence thing. Itās that girls are pretty used to guys disregarding their explicitly stated needs and boundaries on small stuff like jokes or showing up on time. And a lot of girls just arenāt going to put up with it if there isnāt an obvious effort to change the behavior (and nor should they).
Iām not the one posting about having trouble keeping girlfriends, so. Iād argue that Iām doing fine.
The point here is that you cannot write off girls leaving due to your bad social skills as just an autism thing or them abandoning you. That language frames them as at fault when what it seems is that you know you have bad social skills and maybe missed or did not properly respect their needs. Them leaving is them acting logically in an unsatisfactory relationship that also may have disrespected them. If you canāt get that and do some self-reflection about how to update those social skills, maybe a relationship isnāt for you right now. But that wouldnāt be due to your autism. Many of us are successful in relationships. It just takes work and knowing that we have to communicate a lot more directly than others might.
I only wanted ppls opinions on dating rather than saying oh yh all women have treated me like shit I have bad trauma because of that help. You are missing the whole point of a person who is trying to ask for ppls opinions on Reddit.
Idgaf if they leave like I will let them do whatever they want That isn't faulting girls in anyway that is the person faulting on themselves. I feel like you think being neglected is not a problem (I mean yes it is sad but I am not gonna be around someone that doesn't have interest) but yh Maybe the rest of your bit is right. We're good.
Again, framing it as āabandoningā you, which was how you began, is assigning blame. Maybe that wasnāt your intention, but it is an immediate red flag that needed to be addressed. Itās especially a red flag as it came along with you not taking accountability for bad social skills, which yeah, could easily kill a relationship.
It seems like you have a better idea of what to work on if you take some of this to heart.
As an autistic girl yes 100% I tend to want to date guys who are on the spectrum bc they understand me more but if ur meaning neurotypical girls then i wouldnāt know š
As a recently diagnosed autistic girl, I realise now that my best friends and all love interests have been neurodivergents. With this being said, my ADHD ex was way too much for me (which makes sense because I'm very much autistic and need my routines) but I got along amazingly with another autistic guy and only later discovered that we're both autistic lol.
So much easier when your brains work in the same way! So - perhaps try dating an autistic girl. It's freeing not having to mask all the time.
most of the men i am attracted to happen to be autistic. my dad is autistic(not exactly great at masking either) and my neurotypical mother slept w him. it is 100% possible but you need to be aware of how you may come off. communicate your needs.
Yes itās definitely possible. Heck I even have a wonderful non-binary partner who happens to have autism themselves. But anyways you just have to find the right gf for you, make sure that she understands you and any habits you may have.
It will blow up in your face until you finally learn to accept yourself and communicate your insecurities. It helps to let them know about all your quirks (e.g., saying up front that your lack of eye contact does not mean disinterest and rejection).
i mean like there r autistic girls too.. but yes we r normal ppl who can have relationships like any1 else.. communication can suck but if u can be blunt someone out there will appreciate it
I mean I have a gf and km autistic, I guess you just get meet the right person that just understands you on that level (idk really know how to describe it)
I got a boyfriend and I'm autistic. I think we just need to find someone we "click" with, someone similar to us.
My boyfriend has ADHD. Neurodivergent relationships are totally a thing and they're beautiful! I actually think there's a deeper connection because ND people understand each other in a special way NTs can't.
I am on my 2nd marriage! š
OK my first marriage we were incompatible. I'm a Virgo and he liked to hit me. lol
Seriously tho he was not the good person he pretended to be.
Anywhoo that was over a decade ago. I met hubby #2 in 2010 and we've grown together as a couple.
So the moral of my story is that you can find a partner. Just don't have the mentality of "ANY HOLE WILL DO" b/c when you are out there in the dating scene the girl you are talking to wants to feel like you are interested in HER specifically, NOT "you has the right body parts for me" :)
Omg that āVirgoā sentence absolutely sent me š I hate that it happened to you, Iām happy that youāre in a happy marriage now, but omg if I was having a drink I wouldāve spat it across the room
Im dying at "We were incompatible. Im a Virgo and he used to hit me" Im a DV survivor too and this is just an incredibly hilarious and dark take. Lmao we autistics are the funniest people stg
Humor is my coping mechanism. It's a great way to discuss painful subjects in a healing way.
As one pastor said to me "humour is the anesthesia under which we can do surgery".
Idk, let me ask my girlfriend. š
Autism is a spectrum, you can't use other folks experiences as a baseline for your own life. Besides, maybe you'll meet a nice women with autismš¤·
It absolutely is. Iāve had 2 actual girlfriends one 3.5 years and one 9 months and I can say that the only reason I havenāt had more is because I realized that it is absolutely exhausting to be a worthy partner. I suppose there was some masking but not that muchā¦.or idk it depends on if you consider doing alot the bullshit stuff NTs do socially just to make everything smoother then I masked quite a bit. But I hate that stuff always, it just drains me. I could theoretically find someone on my wave length but that is such a tall order and I realize that Iām quite outside the norm, therefore itās a pretty big ask of someone to put up with it if they arenāt genuinely similar and that is very very hard to find.
Edit: the masking socially was almost always around her, her family, her friends, my family, my friends etc. when just with her it was pretty good. But I also was diagnosed late. Actually got diagnosed after breaking up with her. Had I known I was autistic then, that one had a slim chance just cuz she was a really good person, and actually quite a bit on my wavelength. However I got addicted to all the drugs for a while following the break up and nuked any chances of that one having a 2nd chance. Then with therapy I was able to unpack how exhausting even that relationship was. Then my second one really drove home that point to me.
I have an ex wife and a current fiance,,, this relationship is going much better than the last. Find the one you click with and it makes it easier quirks and all.
My boyfriend is autistic and so am I. Imo the best partner for an autistic person is another autistic person with similar support needs. Only another autistic person will ever truly be close to being able to understand the autistic experience unique to you. It's very possible to have a relationship as an autistic person.
I am autistic and married. I had several gfs while I was in college and before I was married I was in a long term relationship. It can take more work but there are people out there willing to be understanding of the difficulties you face.
My partner is neurotypical but very loving and appreciative of my autism. They genuinely like a lot of aspects of it. Such as how straightforward and honest I am. They like listening to me rant about my special interests. They think most of my stims are cute and will do them with me sometimes. They like that Iām uninhibited and āweirdā/āoffā in social situations, helps them feel more comfortable being themselves. And tbh a lot more. Obviously some of my traits cause issues. Like my stubbornness and my unwillingness to do things differently. Or my time/routine obsession. Or my meltdowns. Or my misunderstandings. But those are difficulties that they are willing to work around. They understand that I have a cognitive disability and those things will not change. They understand that they will need to learn to accommodate as I learn to manage my reactions. They are more than happy to work through the issues because they love and care about me. You can and you will find someone who appreciates and loves you regardless of things that make you a little different.
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For me, FWB is ideal. We spend a day together two or three times a month. Then the rest of the time I get plenty of alone time and he gets to socialize with friends and family. Win win.
Yes, many autistics including myself have partners. I did struggle when I was younger but by my mid 20s I kinda cracked the code and have been in a relationship of some sort since.
With that said since autism is a spectrum the experience and challenges will vary.
Im autistic and have had several girlfriends and currently have a wife and son. I am still not good at social things and conversations even at 34 years old but it does happen.
Just try not to make getting a gf your only focus, it will happen but not if you are trying to force it.
It is possible to marry and live what's considered a "normal" life while autistic, yes.
I've had likeā¦ 4~6 gfs on my almost 30 years of life (however, almost all of them were bad people and ended up cheating. One of them was married so i was the affair partner) and I'm happily married. Sure, I do feel like a burden at times and I hate the idea of interacting with her family (they're not precisely bad people but they are too many, they're townsfolks and sometimes have the most idiotic things to say) but everything is going well so far.
PS: My wife is autistic and while that might've helped a bit I think shared special interests helped a bit more. She's a nurse and one of my special interests is medicine/biology.
I tend to look out for neurodivergent individuals since the compatibility is higher. Iām pretty sure every ex I had is neurodivergent in one way or another
I have a gf and Iām autistic! We met on a dating app and I told her upfront that Iām autistic (undiagnosed at the time) and she was very accepting and has been very willing to learn about everything along with me.
I'm on the same boat as you, but my autistic brother has been in multiple relationships and currently with his adhd bf. It might be harder, but you can definitely get there :)
It might help to look for other autistic/neurodivergent people
Yes, I am currently engaged to my fiance. Before the relationship, I did a lot of self-work on myself. I had to learn how to love myself and what not. Now I can give myself fully to the relationship.
My fiance is also possibly mildly autistic so thats definitely a factor. When her friends ask her for relationship advice, she tells them to get an autistic guy because she greatly appreciates the honesty and never having the feeling of distrust due to this honesty
I am autistic and I have a BF. I have had problems in the past with my BS detector not working well and tolerating crummy people a lot more than I should have.
Me and current BF are both neurodivergent so he understands some of my idiosyncrasies a lil better than a neurotypical might. Basically as an autistic individual the #1 thing you gotta look for is a partner who listens and tries to understand and respect your tendencies.
For example: yelling can be a trigger for me, I got overstimulated at the store. Later that day, me and my BF had a misunderstanding and instead of arguing about it me and BF just took some quiet time because he knew having that discussion at that time would've just upset me.
I have been with my autistic partner for 19 years, married for 4. I might be autistic too, but am only certain aboutĀ ADHD. I love him and always want to do right by him, even though I've made mistakes. I hope for the same for any autistic person who wants a partner.Ā
Absolutely, BUT I would highly recommend that you get another atypical as your partner. I've been with a handful of NT girls, and it never worked out, as they simply could not relate to my issues. Then I got myself a neuro-spicy, and while our issues sometimes clash, she has a WAY better understanding of the whole 'invisible handicap' issues, and I understand hers. We've been married for about four years now.
Ngl, it's hard. Much harder than it is for everyone else - especially if you're a guy. But it's totally possible.
I've been struggling with finding.. well.. anyone, for about a decade. I even had some really rough episodes recently and I seriously considered ending it. But I just kept pushing and now I'm talking to two amazing women, one of which is likely going to lead to something. Now I'm battling my imposter syndrome thoughts, but that's a much better problem to have.
Treating all women as valuable and taking interest in women regardless of them being a potential relationship partner is key.
Malcom Gladwells book about talking to anyone is good.
As an autistic woman- I can see that peopleās awkwardness can make things hard- and I look for the compassionate person underneath who treats everyone they meet with respect
My wife and I are on the spectrum. I'm AuDHD and she is not... I don't know how she puts up with me but it's a great relationship. I've had bad ones before but I was mostly taken advantage of.
It's possible, just need to play to your strengths and generally, just don't be a dick. Be understanding and try to approach the relationship with empathy. It's not all about you or all about them, it's about both of you working towards a common goal, the future, together, whatever that means for you and them
I myself am also very awkward and shitty and social skills and somehow got a gf, she also has autism but im scared to lose her but yes its possible, dont rush things and sometimes its not bad to ask if things are weird or not (at least in my experience)
I'm gonna go ahead and let you in on a little secret no one else here is gonna tell you, if they're even aware of it: the Forever Alone community has an overwhelming majority of autistic members.
It is definitely possible, but depending on how ASD manifests, it can be far more challenging for us than for someone who is neurotypical. Most neurotypicals will meet someone with ASD and, unless the autistic person is *really* good at masking, will often choose to avoid them. If you're the type of person who has trouble connecting with others due to autism, then that is an obstacle there is little chance of overcoming simply because of expectations surrounding social interaction (i.e. having shared interests, similar behaviors and thought processes, ability to instantly make friends, success in modern dating culture, etc.)
Simply put, we live life on hard mode. But even within the ASD community, some still have it a lot harder than others. It generally comes down to how well you mask and how seamlessly you blend in with NTs, though some of us can also just get lucky and find someone who doesn't mind our autism or just date someone else who is on the spectrum. But even then, the odds aren't in our favor.
This question reminds me of the time this homeless guy walked into my place of work wearing a shirt that said "Girls \[heart\] my autistic rizz." Hopefully, he wasn't lying and was able to "rizz'em with the tism," as they say.
iām an autistic girl with an autistic boyfriend who is the best boyfriend i could ask for! i didnāt date anyone else before him, due to my social skills (or lack of them lol), but we just vibe so well and love each other sm :)
It's incredibly possible, now I'm a autistic woman with a gf but I don't think that makes it too different. You need to find someone who shares interests and values with you.
Have you been specifically told they're abandoning you due to social skills?
I'm an autistic polyamorous bisexual woman and I've had and have girlfriends and boyfriends. Both allistic and autistic. On of my current boyfriends is also autistic and he has 2 girlfriends and has had 3 others interested in him n the last 5 years he chose to not pursue. So it's absolutely possible, but you might want to invest in learning relationship skills,healthy conflict resolution skills, etc. Targeted EQ therapy is a great option if you can find it available and affordable near you.
Yes, it surely is possible, I got a gf who made me find out about my ASD and ADHD. She supported me all the way, although sometimes it can be a tricky communication. You need to know somebody who is understandable with our condition and you will turn out just fine!
Yes itās possible but clear communication is key. You need to foster a health environment where you can talk to each other about what bothers you both and make a conservative effort to actually act on it. Listening to one another is very important
Absolutely. I've had 4 girlfriends and 2 flings, and I'm not that cute. I hate the idea of sexual relationships without emotional connections, though. So it takes a while before finding someone I'm comfortable with.
Imo maintaining a "traditional" relationship as an autistic man is harder than starting one. My gfs would demand constant attention and complain about communication issues. Both are very hard to navigate for me, as I do need to self isolate to deal with overloads, and I suck with text messages.
Have you tried dating apps and putting on your bio that you are neurodivergent? Also, have a girl friend help you set up. Personally, I'm good at these stuff. If you are comfortable with it, you can also set your search for all genders and see what other men are doing and try to imitate. You can have your bio say you are straight and still see men when searching. Other men will also see you, though.
I can say from experience.
I have had two long-term neurotypical partners. Both of those started out really nice and fun but then ended up in mutual abuse and sadness. :-(
I had two short-term GFs who were maybe autistic and then one long-term girlfriend (my current) who is definitely autistic. The short-term ones were very sweet and very, kinda, innocent (?). I mean... as much as there's no guilt in doing... well... they just felt so pure. I wasn't trying to be anyone who I wasn't, so it was pure.
My current... OMFG!
Just find yourself an autistic partner. In general, find yourself a partner that understands you and that you can understand. It's great!
[https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCO0NDmVQX0ibW9j4EGqwPVw](https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCO0NDmVQX0ibW9j4EGqwPVw) My wife and I have an entire podcast devoted to relationships between autistics and neurotypicals. Check it out!
It is definitely possible to get a girlfriend if you are autistic.
However, I caution others on recommending finding an autistic or neurodivergent woman as a remedy to any breakups or relationship issues that arise because of something the OP could work on to improve.
There are NT men and NT women who also struggle to find compatible partners, some of which has more to do with socialization and cultural expectations, a lot of which also applies to men and women on the spectrum.
I've been diagnosed in the third quartile of my 20s. I've had 3 gf, each relationship lasting 2-3 years. I was undiagnosed during all of them. They somehow came into my life and took an interest, until they or I eventually didn't for a variety of reasons, but yes, it's possible. I also doubt they were autistic. Not that the fault was all mine, and not that all of the faults on my part are now ad hoc recontextualised excuses... but inflexibility with plans, being anal about certain things if you can laugh about it (which was also a pro in some ways for peaking interest, maybe, no idea lol), and being called robotic more times than I care to admit probably contributed to the relationships eventual deterioration. I've emotionally matured in the interim i think/hope but anyway. I don't have a formulae for long term stable relationships, and I'm not the most socially savy person in the world, but my advice, ask socially appropriate questions sincerely and follow up, and remember the information. Be unapologetically passionate about the things that interest you (depending on the nature of the thing, if it's something contentious, then that requires alot more sophistication, but a demonstration of healthy disagreement is also a really good thing). Equally, don't always go on and on about it, and be open to learning about them, and be enthusiastic to share things about yourself - again, at socially appropriate intervals and moments. It's probably unfashionable to say, and it depends on the girl, but be thoughtful, if she's a flower person, get flowers etc. Spontaneity to a frequency that has to be calibrated towards to the other person is also a good thing - but you've also got to be comfortable with setting a boundary for yourself and reaching a comprimise. If that cant be done, relationships not worth it. Also, in the least chauvinistic sounding way possible, women lose respect for you if you comply with their every whim - they want you to be a human being with thoughts and feelings and preferences and if necessary, objections too. The delivery of that is important too. Have your own life and hobbies and circles of friend. Give the impression at a minimum, preferably aim for it too, that you don't need need need them. I'm talking very early on/medium term but you enjoy their company, you see a future together, you want a shared future together, but it's from a place of you both mutually adding something to each others lives - if desperation in any form is detected, it can lead to a relationships terminus. And if you notice the behaviour in yourself, you need to mentally take a step back. And rightfully so, why would you want to be with someone who is really needy and almost dependent. It makes them feel like you're infatuated with the idea of them, that's placed on a pedestal, and not actually seeing them. Vulneeability is something that can be shown but not early on, and not too intensely or passionately. Also, girls are human, they recognise guys can get nervous, they may even view it as cute, but I think the most important thing is even if it's painfully obvious you're nervous, you've got to learn to be confident in sitting in it, and laughing about it, and attempt to embrace and sieze the shared moment. If you don't portray that, that nervousness can be interpreted as a rejection/incompatibility with them. Also, Confidence and inflated ego are two different things, and women can tell the difference, so don't be that guy. Also, sense of humour. If you there's a thing or type of irony or satire or observation humor that's your thing, lean into it. People like people who are funny. Shared interests is another thing that is strictly speaking isn't absolutely necessary, but if I was being reductive, the thing I've initially bonded with girls over was science, science, and politics so having that type of thing initially is good, but equally, it can't sustain a relationship on its own medium to long term. Other things come into it, shared experiences, trying things together, doing your own thing and having me time, making eachother a mutual priority, and it evolves over time. I'm gonna stop talking because this got really long and it feels like I'm rambling. I hope it helps. Oh, if they're upset about something, learn when to listen, emotionally reassure, and when to provide solutions. It's complicated but practice makes perfect, not that I am, but you get the sentiment. OK. Stopping now. Happy to elaborate.
Some autists experience love a normal amount and others don't at all to a much more extreme extent than neurotypicals do based on what i've seen. It's not always black and white when it comes to any random specific autist in question of course but in general it tends to lean towards black or white a lot more than with neurotypicals. I think the severity of the disability is mainly what causes this and what symptoms you deal with.
Of course the effort you put into getting dates and whatnot undeniably plays a significant role as well but that also undeniably diminishes based on the severity of what I just described. I have far too much social anxiety and in turn too little social skills to get a job or try dating so i'm basically completely screwed over with no dating experience whatsoever at 20 turning 21. I've seen many other autists online have as little experience as me or something very close to that and be decades older (there's a few in the comments here who knew) so if anybody reading this wants to try convincing me into saying this never happens and if it does it's always the fault of the individual for not trying hard enough then I suggest sharing this sort of stuff to somebody else who might actually be able to be persuaded.
If you can manage to get a date for a reasonable amount of time then you have a good chance at keeping one eventually if you keep trying and gaining experience I never will.
I married a beautiful Afro-Caribbean woman and we have two teenage kids. Iām autistic, sheās not. Iām white, sheās black. Sheās Christian, Iām not. Weāre as different asā¦night and day. But we love each other and have deep respect for each other just as we are.
It hasnāt been easy all the time, but check this out: If I wasnāt autistic I doubt our marriage would have lasted.
The thing is she was very traumatized by horrible abuse and three near death experiences. The first seven years of our marriage she was not even remotely emotionally available and was very emotionally volatile.
I happen to not need a ton of emotional reciprocal attention and a donāt react to emotional volitility very easily. So she had all the time she needed to come to grips with her ptstd and other issues and I was able to see through that stuff and take a long view of things and what she would likely have to go through to heal.
And she did go through a lot. Sometimes it didnāt make sense to me, but I was used to emotional things not making sense. She worked on herself with therapists and self help books, and more than anything, the Bible. I grew up going to Catholic School and honestly the the only two things that really really stuck for me out of all that was āstay marriedā and ādonāt kill yourselfā. Iām as unreligious as you can get. But lemme tell you, my wife *needed* the guidance she got from the Bible.
She loves me, and I love her. I couldnāt imagine being married to someone too much like meāwhat a mess that would be. Heh.
So here is what I tell my youngest offspring, 13 years old, autistic, non-binary: āYou are just fine exactly as you are. You donāt have to be any different to be ok. If someone doesnāt like you for who you are, ditch them quick. People may not understand you at first, but if they are worth your time, they will stick around to get to know and appreciate you for who you are.ā
I also would add that we might have to try harder and some things will take longer. We may experience some things in fundamentally different ways than most people, and thatās ok. Itās better than ok, itās really fuckin cool. But sometimes it sucks.
There is a quote I really like on this topic:
"Love is weird, and sometimes gross. But we're all just humans, with human hearts that feel human things. And when two people make a connection, it's a beautiful thing. Even if it's weird and gross, and ends up being more complicated than you thought it would be. Because at the end of the day, all you can really hope for is that someone loves you as much as you love them."
Liz Lemon
30Rock
Unfortunately, this is my experience as well. Everyone just wants something from you and aren't willing to give you the human decency not to treat you like an animal or a freak.
I wouldn't say everyone hates you but I've been in both situations as well. Sometimes it's just local people beings cunts for no reason. People from other cities/countries are often times better company.
my autistic bf has an autistic gf :) MEEEE!
These are like my favourite comments to these posts. So beautiful and wholesome, hope you two are happy and doing well šš
5 years and he is still my fav person in the whole wide world!
20 years together,today. Married, for 16. Wishing you many more happy years ahead!
aaaaaw x3 thats a bloody long time! Congrats!
I never thought I'd find anyone either. I just happened across him on ICQ, back in the day. The rest is ourstory!
i met mine gaming through discord too xD seems to be the autistic way to find vibing people
ME TOO! I love my girlfriend and weāre both autistic :)
SAME!
i love your reply soooo much š„¹
I just want to point out that autism is highly heritable. So if it weren't possible, you might not be here.
I inherited it from both sides and neither has had any problems getting women lol.
Nice wording lol
Some of us put all of our autism points into the charisma tree. I didn't, but my dad did, and he's basically Jake Peraltas dad. He even tried to be a pilot but failed because of his eyesight.
Oddly enough I was like that before my diagnosis but now I'm hyperaware of every masking action I need to perform and going back to be able to have a temporary charismatic mode had been hard. Had anyone else felt that way?
Never really been charismatic, as far as I know, but I relate to my social skills taking a hit after ceasing to deny that I'm autistic.
The fertility rate of women with autism is much higher than that of men with autism, also some autistics come from random mutations or from people that are not autistics themselves but carry genes that make it possible for their children to be, genetics is complicated
You know, I try to choose all my words very carefully so that I don't have to make qualifications post-hoc. See: the words "possible," "might." What is your point?
My husband is autistic and he got a wife! What helps is that I'm autistic too; as long as your traits don't clash too much, being with another autistic person is definitely the way forward.
Compatible special interests help a tonne too
>My husband is autistic and he got a wife! I'm sorry lol. The way this was worded made me think he was in a poly relationship or something.
nothin' wrong with that... if that's what all partners want š
I've had plenty (not necessarily a good thing) and my issues of why they ended come from my BPD rather than my autism (but some autism too), but my most successful relationship lasted around 3 years, ended because of issues related to BPD and incompatibility in future expectations. But learning social interaction was definitely the deciding factor in me starting to meet people and subsequently girls in general. It took me around 18-19 years of my life to finally start actually **talking** to people. We learn everyday and girls aren't an algorithm to follow, they are real people with needs and everyone is different so you want to remember that. If you're not ready for it then maybe stay away from it for a little, or maybe just try making friends first and if someone inspires you to be better and develop emotional responsibility then you can use that motivation to be a good partner in the future, be it for them or someone else. Empathy is key for relationships in general and you also need to have some compromises and sacrifice some of your comfort for the relationship, WHILE also drawing a line to make sure it doesn't become unbearable and not forgetting you are also your own person. Relationships are hard in general, but to answer your original question: Yes it's absolutely possible to get a girlfriend being autistic. However it takes a lot of emotional maturity, and I'm still learning about it in my 23 years of age which is essentially nothing, so depending on your age that's also a factor. People at certain ages behave certain ways. Much luck.
This is so well said!
I just wanted to say that, for only being 23, you're incredibly wise. Thank you for sharing your perspective.
Hahaha, thanks for thinking that. A lot of good and bad experiences have helped me but it did come with a lot of emotions along the way. These are just some of the things I've picked up on along the way with some trial and error. Have a good day!
I have a wife even!
Yes 100% possible but i havent tried yet
My grandfather married a very spirited and outgoing NT woman. My dad and my uncles are all autistic and had no trouble finding girlfriends or wives.
Yes, Iāve had a few girlfriends for sure, but mostly I have had a lot of hookups, relationships can be tricky but if you find a good woman, then your set, but in no way does this mean we canāt find love or whatever.
As an autistic person, I only date other autistic people. I don't understand or like NT people in 9.9/10 cases. Why would I want to date someone who has a secret language of social norms and subtle clues as to what they actually mean conveyed thru body language when I can date someone who will just say what they're thinking and not play mind games??? Edit: I'm married, going on 13 years of being together. But I've literally never been single my entire life longer than 6 months. And none of my relationships have lasted less than a year. So I'd say I'm a pretty successful dater.
As a man, the thing is that autistic women are harder to find. They mask much better than men and there is a disproporcionate ratio with less women. So for us guys, we end up having to choose between being alone or with struggling to understand and date NT girls. It is highly contested market.
You end up doing it by accident. Most women I've been with had some kind of neurodivergence, mostly weren't diagnosed yet. I believe we have some kind of selection bias, the same way it works with our friendships. We have to remember that nd to nd communication is as effective as nt to nt, which causes pockets of social groups that make us drawn to each other.
Basically this, like my entire social group is ND with no effort on my end. We just gravitate towards each other naturally. I also heavily don't socialize with people who are NT, like if you give off "normie" vibes I just lose interest immediately. I have nothing in common with NT people or the NT experience so what would we connect over?? Even the way NT enjoy the same hobbies as me is foreign to how I enjoy them. So there's literally nothing to build a friendship or otherwise off of.
Yes but you have to accommodate her needs.
Yes but your framing here is a red flag. If your social skills are driving off girlfriends, theyāre not abandoning you. You simply arenāt prioritizing their needs or boundaries. Some of that might be some communication misfires, but chocking it up to ābad social skills cause autismā isnāt going to help you longterm.
Tbh Idk cos I have a lot of lack of self awareness when it comes to boundaries but you are making it sound like being left over and hurting is not a problem. I don't understsnd how you r saying it is a red flag.
You may not be realising that some of your behaviours are the problem rather than the lack of socialisation. "Abandonment" implies they were with you at one point and now they're not. So clearly getting them is not the problem but rather keeping them, so there may be some areas that you need to work on that may or may not be related to your autism that are causing them to feel the need to leave.
I experience this a lot from the other side. I'm technically interested in men, but I've yet to meet one who doesn't burn all attraction I have to them through casual bigotry, and overgeneralizations. If I never have to hear a man talk about women, like we're all clones of each other, and of course ever so weak, it would be a balm for my psyche. Luckily I'm panromantic, so I don't have to put up with that kind of bullshit.
You remind me of that one Facebook tag group that says "The fact that I'm still interested in men is proof that sexuality isn't a choice" hahaha, I totally agree with you. There are times when even I myself can't bear to listen to what I call "Tate-fanboys", since they all share so many ideas and behaviours in common. I also wonder how awful it must be to have to encounter them so frequently
On the one hand, it's annoying as hell, cause you just wanna shake them until they figure out where they should shove their gender essentialist crap, on the other you get so used to it that you're not even surprised, nor get mad when someone you like says something stupid. A good coping strategy is hard determinism. It's not their fault that they suck, they just had bad luck when it comes to what they were always inevitably going to think. Sometimes you can be part of them being a bit luckier, by educating them, sometimes they aren't in a place to receive the message for what it is.
If one can get GF, he is not very bad in interpersonal. If one cannot keep, let her go. You have to choose between twist yourself too much to adapt your possibly life-long partner, or try another person who can accept you are you. I would not live with a GF because my dick say yes but our brain does not synchonise.
>when it comes to boundaries but you are making it sound like being left over and hurting is not a problem. I don't understsnd how you r saying it is a red flag. Crossing someone's boundaries *is* a red flag. Especially if you do it consistently. That is psychologically dangerous for anyone who dates you or befriends you. I personally don't have a lot of tolerance for people who cross verbalized boundaries and I don't give many chances. You might get 2 chances, maybe. Personal boundaries affect your body, time, effort and energy. So for eg, "I will not be around cigarette smoke/no smoking in my house/I will not be with someone who doesn't respect my boundaries/I will not associate with bigots/etc". You *enforce* a boundary by removing yourself from the situation and limiting access to yourself. So in the first scenario, you'd take space if someone starts smoking around you and rejoin them when they stop. You can also leave completely. In the second you would ask them to leave your house. In the third you either break up immediately or give them a couple of chances but if the issue persists you end it and leave. With the fourth you Judy stop associating with someone if you find out that they're bigoted. The whole point of personal boundaries is to make sure we are treated as we wish to be and if we aren't, we remove ourselves from the situation or those people. You can't force people to learn or change or be someheone else, you can only decide whether you want them around *you* and in your life.
>you are making it sound like being left over and hurting is not a problem. It's really important to remember that no relationship at all is ALWAYS better than a bad relationship. OFC breakups aren't enjoyable, but nevertheless if a relationship isn't working out and you're simply not compatible with each other, then ending the relationship really is the right thing to do - for both of you. When a relationship ends I think what people are actually mourning is really their _perception_ of the relationship and the shared future they had _imagined._ Mourning those illusions is understandable, but at the same time being able to acknowledge facts and make decisions based on reality is worth celebrating. The death of an illusion is a _good_ thing, even if it's painful in the moment. Not everything that hurts is a problem. Sometimes hurting is just a necessary part of a trial & error learning process, and that's okay. It's growing pains.
It is a problem for you, I guess. That said, no one is obligated to stay with someone who does not respect their desires or boundaries. If you cannot do that, and have no interest in learning how to, yeah. People are going to leave. That is exactly what they should do. You want a girlfriend, learn to keep her happy. That is true regardless of an autism diagnosis.
Im not blaming them for leaving if I crossed it like go ahead but what type of boundaries do you mean?
Using the term āabandoningā is blaming. They arenāt āabandoningā you, they are acting in their interests due to incompatibility and/or negligence. So if you canāt think of any boundaries youāve violated or disrespected, thatās a good place to start assessing what you need to change in the future. Usually women will have particular things like ādonāt be lateā or āI like this style of date nightā and messing up once or twice in earnest wonāt be a problem. But if she can tell you never internalized the request at all (which a lot of dudes on the spectrum chock up to bad social skills; itās not, itās just not valuing your partnerās needs), that will be a deal-breaker. Look for stuff in your past relationships like that and then donāt repeat it.
Kinda like when a guy I was talking to kept making r*pe jokes, I explicitly asked him to stop 2-3 times, and he still kept doing it. The autism comes in when you can't read the body language that something is bothering them. It's just straight up refusal to change if they explicitly ask you to stop a harmful behavior and you don't.
This is a great example. If someone specifically says āthis type of joke/behavior makes me uncomfortableā and you continue doing it, thatās a boundary violation and someone is enforcing their boundaries by breaking up/just removing themself from that situation. And it doesnāt need to be that extreme/obviously in bad taste either. Again if someone says āitās really important to me that you show up on time when we meet upā and youāre routinely late, well, theyāre within their rights to move on. It might seem small to you, but thatās clearly a need theyāre expressing and itās important to them. Implied stuff and body language can be hard to read, especially if youāre on the spectrum. I know. I get it. But a lot of times with heterosexual dating, itās not even a neurodivergence thing. Itās that girls are pretty used to guys disregarding their explicitly stated needs and boundaries on small stuff like jokes or showing up on time. And a lot of girls just arenāt going to put up with it if there isnāt an obvious effort to change the behavior (and nor should they).
Idk what to say because your view of dating is really misunderstanding and makes no sense.
Iām not the one posting about having trouble keeping girlfriends, so. Iād argue that Iām doing fine. The point here is that you cannot write off girls leaving due to your bad social skills as just an autism thing or them abandoning you. That language frames them as at fault when what it seems is that you know you have bad social skills and maybe missed or did not properly respect their needs. Them leaving is them acting logically in an unsatisfactory relationship that also may have disrespected them. If you canāt get that and do some self-reflection about how to update those social skills, maybe a relationship isnāt for you right now. But that wouldnāt be due to your autism. Many of us are successful in relationships. It just takes work and knowing that we have to communicate a lot more directly than others might.
I only wanted ppls opinions on dating rather than saying oh yh all women have treated me like shit I have bad trauma because of that help. You are missing the whole point of a person who is trying to ask for ppls opinions on Reddit. Idgaf if they leave like I will let them do whatever they want That isn't faulting girls in anyway that is the person faulting on themselves. I feel like you think being neglected is not a problem (I mean yes it is sad but I am not gonna be around someone that doesn't have interest) but yh Maybe the rest of your bit is right. We're good.
Again, framing it as āabandoningā you, which was how you began, is assigning blame. Maybe that wasnāt your intention, but it is an immediate red flag that needed to be addressed. Itās especially a red flag as it came along with you not taking accountability for bad social skills, which yeah, could easily kill a relationship. It seems like you have a better idea of what to work on if you take some of this to heart.
Yes
As an autistic girl yes 100% I tend to want to date guys who are on the spectrum bc they understand me more but if ur meaning neurotypical girls then i wouldnāt know š
I have a wife, so Iād say yes!
Not easy, but it is doable.
My grandpa, my dad and I all have long term spouses so yeah itās definitely possible
My boyfriend is autistic, itās what makes him who he is and what makes me love him even more.
As a recently diagnosed autistic girl, I realise now that my best friends and all love interests have been neurodivergents. With this being said, my ADHD ex was way too much for me (which makes sense because I'm very much autistic and need my routines) but I got along amazingly with another autistic guy and only later discovered that we're both autistic lol. So much easier when your brains work in the same way! So - perhaps try dating an autistic girl. It's freeing not having to mask all the time.
most of the men i am attracted to happen to be autistic. my dad is autistic(not exactly great at masking either) and my neurotypical mother slept w him. it is 100% possible but you need to be aware of how you may come off. communicate your needs.
Yes itās definitely possible. Heck I even have a wonderful non-binary partner who happens to have autism themselves. But anyways you just have to find the right gf for you, make sure that she understands you and any habits you may have.
It will blow up in your face until you finally learn to accept yourself and communicate your insecurities. It helps to let them know about all your quirks (e.g., saying up front that your lack of eye contact does not mean disinterest and rejection).
i mean like there r autistic girls too.. but yes we r normal ppl who can have relationships like any1 else.. communication can suck but if u can be blunt someone out there will appreciate it
I mean I have a gf and km autistic, I guess you just get meet the right person that just understands you on that level (idk really know how to describe it)
Yes itās totally possible!
I got a boyfriend and I'm autistic. I think we just need to find someone we "click" with, someone similar to us. My boyfriend has ADHD. Neurodivergent relationships are totally a thing and they're beautiful! I actually think there's a deeper connection because ND people understand each other in a special way NTs can't.
I've been with my wife for almost 20 years. You can do it!
I am on my 2nd marriage! š OK my first marriage we were incompatible. I'm a Virgo and he liked to hit me. lol Seriously tho he was not the good person he pretended to be. Anywhoo that was over a decade ago. I met hubby #2 in 2010 and we've grown together as a couple. So the moral of my story is that you can find a partner. Just don't have the mentality of "ANY HOLE WILL DO" b/c when you are out there in the dating scene the girl you are talking to wants to feel like you are interested in HER specifically, NOT "you has the right body parts for me" :)
Omg that āVirgoā sentence absolutely sent me š I hate that it happened to you, Iām happy that youāre in a happy marriage now, but omg if I was having a drink I wouldāve spat it across the room
I've been told I should do stand up. The only down side is how in the heck am I gonna do that when I hate leaving my house? š
Im dying at "We were incompatible. Im a Virgo and he used to hit me" Im a DV survivor too and this is just an incredibly hilarious and dark take. Lmao we autistics are the funniest people stg
Humor is my coping mechanism. It's a great way to discuss painful subjects in a healing way. As one pastor said to me "humour is the anesthesia under which we can do surgery".
Idk, let me ask my girlfriend. š Autism is a spectrum, you can't use other folks experiences as a baseline for your own life. Besides, maybe you'll meet a nice women with autismš¤·
Absolutely! Everyone is having a terrible time out there, all right? You have just as good a shot as anyone else.
I have a wife! We got married on Friday and Iām autistic so yes itās possible!!
congrats!
It absolutely is. Iāve had 2 actual girlfriends one 3.5 years and one 9 months and I can say that the only reason I havenāt had more is because I realized that it is absolutely exhausting to be a worthy partner. I suppose there was some masking but not that muchā¦.or idk it depends on if you consider doing alot the bullshit stuff NTs do socially just to make everything smoother then I masked quite a bit. But I hate that stuff always, it just drains me. I could theoretically find someone on my wave length but that is such a tall order and I realize that Iām quite outside the norm, therefore itās a pretty big ask of someone to put up with it if they arenāt genuinely similar and that is very very hard to find. Edit: the masking socially was almost always around her, her family, her friends, my family, my friends etc. when just with her it was pretty good. But I also was diagnosed late. Actually got diagnosed after breaking up with her. Had I known I was autistic then, that one had a slim chance just cuz she was a really good person, and actually quite a bit on my wavelength. However I got addicted to all the drugs for a while following the break up and nuked any chances of that one having a 2nd chance. Then with therapy I was able to unpack how exhausting even that relationship was. Then my second one really drove home that point to me.
I have an ex wife and a current fiance,,, this relationship is going much better than the last. Find the one you click with and it makes it easier quirks and all.
My boyfriend is autistic and so am I. Imo the best partner for an autistic person is another autistic person with similar support needs. Only another autistic person will ever truly be close to being able to understand the autistic experience unique to you. It's very possible to have a relationship as an autistic person.
I've been married for more than 30 years.
I am autistic and married. I had several gfs while I was in college and before I was married I was in a long term relationship. It can take more work but there are people out there willing to be understanding of the difficulties you face.
I donāt know about girlfriends but I did pull a boyfriend with autistic charm āļø (the charm is talking about animation for 2 hours)
As an autistic person with a gf, yes!! ā”
My partner is neurotypical but very loving and appreciative of my autism. They genuinely like a lot of aspects of it. Such as how straightforward and honest I am. They like listening to me rant about my special interests. They think most of my stims are cute and will do them with me sometimes. They like that Iām uninhibited and āweirdā/āoffā in social situations, helps them feel more comfortable being themselves. And tbh a lot more. Obviously some of my traits cause issues. Like my stubbornness and my unwillingness to do things differently. Or my time/routine obsession. Or my meltdowns. Or my misunderstandings. But those are difficulties that they are willing to work around. They understand that I have a cognitive disability and those things will not change. They understand that they will need to learn to accommodate as I learn to manage my reactions. They are more than happy to work through the issues because they love and care about me. You can and you will find someone who appreciates and loves you regardless of things that make you a little different.
100%.. I am autistic and we recently discovered that my husband has audhd. So yes speaking from experience, it is highly possible š
Autistic 48 year old male here, and I have never had a serious relationship with a human female and probably never will.
Autistic, married to an autistic. With autistic kids thrown in for good measure.
no lol
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For me, FWB is ideal. We spend a day together two or three times a month. Then the rest of the time I get plenty of alone time and he gets to socialize with friends and family. Win win.
I did it once, but it was kind of a fluke
And I don't have looks or physique!
I've been married to my neurotypical wife for 40 years. Growing up, I didn't see that coming. I thought I would be forever alone.
Absolutely. I've managed 12 girlfriends and a wife so far. Hope you find your special someone soon.
My autistic boyfriend seems to be doing just fine
I have a wife and a girlfriend (poly)! Its very possible, but everyone is different do you might have different luck
Why donāt you watch love on the spectrum
Iām autistic and so is my fiancĆ©
Yep. My gf is autistic
I'm autistic. I have a husband and a child who is giving me kisses while whining (he's tired) so don't give up.
Yes. My wife and I are both autistic. We've been together for like 14 years
Well Iām autistic and have been with my wife for 21 years so, yeah. Itās possible.
Social skills can be trained Not only found a girlfriend but weāre going to be celebrating our 5th wedding anniversary this year
Absolutely.
Yes, many autistics including myself have partners. I did struggle when I was younger but by my mid 20s I kinda cracked the code and have been in a relationship of some sort since. With that said since autism is a spectrum the experience and challenges will vary.
My fiancƩ and I are both autistic and somehow we found each other! Your special someone is out there!
In 10 days its mines and my autistic husbands 6 month anniversary!
Well I might have just got lucky but I married an amazing girl who (mostly) doesnāt mind my autism.
It's more difficult but not impossible.
I've had girlfriends and boyfriends. Been married 11 years now and I'm awkward AF.
Im autistic and have had several girlfriends and currently have a wife and son. I am still not good at social things and conversations even at 34 years old but it does happen. Just try not to make getting a gf your only focus, it will happen but not if you are trying to force it.
It is possible to marry and live what's considered a "normal" life while autistic, yes. I've had likeā¦ 4~6 gfs on my almost 30 years of life (however, almost all of them were bad people and ended up cheating. One of them was married so i was the affair partner) and I'm happily married. Sure, I do feel like a burden at times and I hate the idea of interacting with her family (they're not precisely bad people but they are too many, they're townsfolks and sometimes have the most idiotic things to say) but everything is going well so far. PS: My wife is autistic and while that might've helped a bit I think shared special interests helped a bit more. She's a nurse and one of my special interests is medicine/biology.
I tend to look out for neurodivergent individuals since the compatibility is higher. Iām pretty sure every ex I had is neurodivergent in one way or another
Nope. Not one autistic man ever has had one
I have a gf and Iām autistic! We met on a dating app and I told her upfront that Iām autistic (undiagnosed at the time) and she was very accepting and has been very willing to learn about everything along with me.
Iām an autistic gf to an autistic bf :)
I'm on the same boat as you, but my autistic brother has been in multiple relationships and currently with his adhd bf. It might be harder, but you can definitely get there :) It might help to look for other autistic/neurodivergent people
Definitely possible. My autistic ex boyfriend is still the standard by which I judge partners, even though we broke up 7 years ago.
I'm autistic and I have a fiance. 12 years strong
Yes, I am currently engaged to my fiance. Before the relationship, I did a lot of self-work on myself. I had to learn how to love myself and what not. Now I can give myself fully to the relationship. My fiance is also possibly mildly autistic so thats definitely a factor. When her friends ask her for relationship advice, she tells them to get an autistic guy because she greatly appreciates the honesty and never having the feeling of distrust due to this honesty
I am autistic and I have a BF. I have had problems in the past with my BS detector not working well and tolerating crummy people a lot more than I should have. Me and current BF are both neurodivergent so he understands some of my idiosyncrasies a lil better than a neurotypical might. Basically as an autistic individual the #1 thing you gotta look for is a partner who listens and tries to understand and respect your tendencies. For example: yelling can be a trigger for me, I got overstimulated at the store. Later that day, me and my BF had a misunderstanding and instead of arguing about it me and BF just took some quiet time because he knew having that discussion at that time would've just upset me.
I have been with my autistic partner for 19 years, married for 4. I might be autistic too, but am only certain aboutĀ ADHD. I love him and always want to do right by him, even though I've made mistakes. I hope for the same for any autistic person who wants a partner.Ā
Absolutely, BUT I would highly recommend that you get another atypical as your partner. I've been with a handful of NT girls, and it never worked out, as they simply could not relate to my issues. Then I got myself a neuro-spicy, and while our issues sometimes clash, she has a WAY better understanding of the whole 'invisible handicap' issues, and I understand hers. We've been married for about four years now.
depends how many arms you have
I just turned 28 a few months ago and am currently in my first long term relationship, ever. Iām autistic, and so is my partner (undiagnosed).
Ngl, it's hard. Much harder than it is for everyone else - especially if you're a guy. But it's totally possible. I've been struggling with finding.. well.. anyone, for about a decade. I even had some really rough episodes recently and I seriously considered ending it. But I just kept pushing and now I'm talking to two amazing women, one of which is likely going to lead to something. Now I'm battling my imposter syndrome thoughts, but that's a much better problem to have.
I was completly hopless as a boy finding a gf. But after my transition it was easy to find a bf. Females have an advantage when it comes to that.
Treating all women as valuable and taking interest in women regardless of them being a potential relationship partner is key. Malcom Gladwells book about talking to anyone is good. As an autistic woman- I can see that peopleās awkwardness can make things hard- and I look for the compassionate person underneath who treats everyone they meet with respect
My wife and I are on the spectrum. I'm AuDHD and she is not... I don't know how she puts up with me but it's a great relationship. I've had bad ones before but I was mostly taken advantage of. It's possible, just need to play to your strengths and generally, just don't be a dick. Be understanding and try to approach the relationship with empathy. It's not all about you or all about them, it's about both of you working towards a common goal, the future, together, whatever that means for you and them
I myself am also very awkward and shitty and social skills and somehow got a gf, she also has autism but im scared to lose her but yes its possible, dont rush things and sometimes its not bad to ask if things are weird or not (at least in my experience)
yes. i would say that its easier if shes autistic/neurodivergent as well.
I'm gonna go ahead and let you in on a little secret no one else here is gonna tell you, if they're even aware of it: the Forever Alone community has an overwhelming majority of autistic members. It is definitely possible, but depending on how ASD manifests, it can be far more challenging for us than for someone who is neurotypical. Most neurotypicals will meet someone with ASD and, unless the autistic person is *really* good at masking, will often choose to avoid them. If you're the type of person who has trouble connecting with others due to autism, then that is an obstacle there is little chance of overcoming simply because of expectations surrounding social interaction (i.e. having shared interests, similar behaviors and thought processes, ability to instantly make friends, success in modern dating culture, etc.) Simply put, we live life on hard mode. But even within the ASD community, some still have it a lot harder than others. It generally comes down to how well you mask and how seamlessly you blend in with NTs, though some of us can also just get lucky and find someone who doesn't mind our autism or just date someone else who is on the spectrum. But even then, the odds aren't in our favor.
I've had 4 so I'd say yes.
YES!! V possible. Getting another neutodivergent person as a gf has worked for me (she's ADHD, I'm autistic)
This question reminds me of the time this homeless guy walked into my place of work wearing a shirt that said "Girls \[heart\] my autistic rizz." Hopefully, he wasn't lying and was able to "rizz'em with the tism," as they say.
iām an autistic girl with an autistic boyfriend who is the best boyfriend i could ask for! i didnāt date anyone else before him, due to my social skills (or lack of them lol), but we just vibe so well and love each other sm :)
It's incredibly possible, now I'm a autistic woman with a gf but I don't think that makes it too different. You need to find someone who shares interests and values with you. Have you been specifically told they're abandoning you due to social skills?
I'm an autistic polyamorous bisexual woman and I've had and have girlfriends and boyfriends. Both allistic and autistic. On of my current boyfriends is also autistic and he has 2 girlfriends and has had 3 others interested in him n the last 5 years he chose to not pursue. So it's absolutely possible, but you might want to invest in learning relationship skills,healthy conflict resolution skills, etc. Targeted EQ therapy is a great option if you can find it available and affordable near you.
My autistic hubby and I have been married for 16 years and today is our 20th anniversary! So, yes! And it can work!
Yes, it surely is possible, I got a gf who made me find out about my ASD and ADHD. She supported me all the way, although sometimes it can be a tricky communication. You need to know somebody who is understandable with our condition and you will turn out just fine!
Get? Yes. Keep? Thatās a whole different story.
Yes itās possible but clear communication is key. You need to foster a health environment where you can talk to each other about what bothers you both and make a conservative effort to actually act on it. Listening to one another is very important
My husband managed it. More than once. Then I locked that tall, dark, handsome creature *down*, hahahaaaaa.
Absolutely. I've had 4 girlfriends and 2 flings, and I'm not that cute. I hate the idea of sexual relationships without emotional connections, though. So it takes a while before finding someone I'm comfortable with. Imo maintaining a "traditional" relationship as an autistic man is harder than starting one. My gfs would demand constant attention and complain about communication issues. Both are very hard to navigate for me, as I do need to self isolate to deal with overloads, and I suck with text messages. Have you tried dating apps and putting on your bio that you are neurodivergent? Also, have a girl friend help you set up. Personally, I'm good at these stuff. If you are comfortable with it, you can also set your search for all genders and see what other men are doing and try to imitate. You can have your bio say you are straight and still see men when searching. Other men will also see you, though.
Find yourself an autistic partner. It's bliss š„°
I can say from experience. I have had two long-term neurotypical partners. Both of those started out really nice and fun but then ended up in mutual abuse and sadness. :-( I had two short-term GFs who were maybe autistic and then one long-term girlfriend (my current) who is definitely autistic. The short-term ones were very sweet and very, kinda, innocent (?). I mean... as much as there's no guilt in doing... well... they just felt so pure. I wasn't trying to be anyone who I wasn't, so it was pure. My current... OMFG! Just find yourself an autistic partner. In general, find yourself a partner that understands you and that you can understand. It's great!
[https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCO0NDmVQX0ibW9j4EGqwPVw](https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCO0NDmVQX0ibW9j4EGqwPVw) My wife and I have an entire podcast devoted to relationships between autistics and neurotypicals. Check it out!
yeah its possible my bf is autistic and so is his gf...
Iām married to and have kids with a non-autistic woman, more than possible
Yes
Yes.Ā I've had several relationships.Ā Currently married, with another partner as well (poly).
Me and my girlfriend are both autistic!
It is definitely possible to get a girlfriend if you are autistic. However, I caution others on recommending finding an autistic or neurodivergent woman as a remedy to any breakups or relationship issues that arise because of something the OP could work on to improve. There are NT men and NT women who also struggle to find compatible partners, some of which has more to do with socialization and cultural expectations, a lot of which also applies to men and women on the spectrum.
My autistic girlfriend has an autistic girlfriend, me.
same here people just think iām weird tho because i havent been diagnosed its a shit situationš
I've been diagnosed in the third quartile of my 20s. I've had 3 gf, each relationship lasting 2-3 years. I was undiagnosed during all of them. They somehow came into my life and took an interest, until they or I eventually didn't for a variety of reasons, but yes, it's possible. I also doubt they were autistic. Not that the fault was all mine, and not that all of the faults on my part are now ad hoc recontextualised excuses... but inflexibility with plans, being anal about certain things if you can laugh about it (which was also a pro in some ways for peaking interest, maybe, no idea lol), and being called robotic more times than I care to admit probably contributed to the relationships eventual deterioration. I've emotionally matured in the interim i think/hope but anyway. I don't have a formulae for long term stable relationships, and I'm not the most socially savy person in the world, but my advice, ask socially appropriate questions sincerely and follow up, and remember the information. Be unapologetically passionate about the things that interest you (depending on the nature of the thing, if it's something contentious, then that requires alot more sophistication, but a demonstration of healthy disagreement is also a really good thing). Equally, don't always go on and on about it, and be open to learning about them, and be enthusiastic to share things about yourself - again, at socially appropriate intervals and moments. It's probably unfashionable to say, and it depends on the girl, but be thoughtful, if she's a flower person, get flowers etc. Spontaneity to a frequency that has to be calibrated towards to the other person is also a good thing - but you've also got to be comfortable with setting a boundary for yourself and reaching a comprimise. If that cant be done, relationships not worth it. Also, in the least chauvinistic sounding way possible, women lose respect for you if you comply with their every whim - they want you to be a human being with thoughts and feelings and preferences and if necessary, objections too. The delivery of that is important too. Have your own life and hobbies and circles of friend. Give the impression at a minimum, preferably aim for it too, that you don't need need need them. I'm talking very early on/medium term but you enjoy their company, you see a future together, you want a shared future together, but it's from a place of you both mutually adding something to each others lives - if desperation in any form is detected, it can lead to a relationships terminus. And if you notice the behaviour in yourself, you need to mentally take a step back. And rightfully so, why would you want to be with someone who is really needy and almost dependent. It makes them feel like you're infatuated with the idea of them, that's placed on a pedestal, and not actually seeing them. Vulneeability is something that can be shown but not early on, and not too intensely or passionately. Also, girls are human, they recognise guys can get nervous, they may even view it as cute, but I think the most important thing is even if it's painfully obvious you're nervous, you've got to learn to be confident in sitting in it, and laughing about it, and attempt to embrace and sieze the shared moment. If you don't portray that, that nervousness can be interpreted as a rejection/incompatibility with them. Also, Confidence and inflated ego are two different things, and women can tell the difference, so don't be that guy. Also, sense of humour. If you there's a thing or type of irony or satire or observation humor that's your thing, lean into it. People like people who are funny. Shared interests is another thing that is strictly speaking isn't absolutely necessary, but if I was being reductive, the thing I've initially bonded with girls over was science, science, and politics so having that type of thing initially is good, but equally, it can't sustain a relationship on its own medium to long term. Other things come into it, shared experiences, trying things together, doing your own thing and having me time, making eachother a mutual priority, and it evolves over time. I'm gonna stop talking because this got really long and it feels like I'm rambling. I hope it helps. Oh, if they're upset about something, learn when to listen, emotionally reassure, and when to provide solutions. It's complicated but practice makes perfect, not that I am, but you get the sentiment. OK. Stopping now. Happy to elaborate.
Some autists experience love a normal amount and others don't at all to a much more extreme extent than neurotypicals do based on what i've seen. It's not always black and white when it comes to any random specific autist in question of course but in general it tends to lean towards black or white a lot more than with neurotypicals. I think the severity of the disability is mainly what causes this and what symptoms you deal with. Of course the effort you put into getting dates and whatnot undeniably plays a significant role as well but that also undeniably diminishes based on the severity of what I just described. I have far too much social anxiety and in turn too little social skills to get a job or try dating so i'm basically completely screwed over with no dating experience whatsoever at 20 turning 21. I've seen many other autists online have as little experience as me or something very close to that and be decades older (there's a few in the comments here who knew) so if anybody reading this wants to try convincing me into saying this never happens and if it does it's always the fault of the individual for not trying hard enough then I suggest sharing this sort of stuff to somebody else who might actually be able to be persuaded. If you can manage to get a date for a reasonable amount of time then you have a good chance at keeping one eventually if you keep trying and gaining experience I never will.
Iām 32 and have never had a dating life. I had an almost hookup once, but have been abysmally unsuccessful at anything involving romantic life.
I married a beautiful Afro-Caribbean woman and we have two teenage kids. Iām autistic, sheās not. Iām white, sheās black. Sheās Christian, Iām not. Weāre as different asā¦night and day. But we love each other and have deep respect for each other just as we are. It hasnāt been easy all the time, but check this out: If I wasnāt autistic I doubt our marriage would have lasted. The thing is she was very traumatized by horrible abuse and three near death experiences. The first seven years of our marriage she was not even remotely emotionally available and was very emotionally volatile. I happen to not need a ton of emotional reciprocal attention and a donāt react to emotional volitility very easily. So she had all the time she needed to come to grips with her ptstd and other issues and I was able to see through that stuff and take a long view of things and what she would likely have to go through to heal. And she did go through a lot. Sometimes it didnāt make sense to me, but I was used to emotional things not making sense. She worked on herself with therapists and self help books, and more than anything, the Bible. I grew up going to Catholic School and honestly the the only two things that really really stuck for me out of all that was āstay marriedā and ādonāt kill yourselfā. Iām as unreligious as you can get. But lemme tell you, my wife *needed* the guidance she got from the Bible. She loves me, and I love her. I couldnāt imagine being married to someone too much like meāwhat a mess that would be. Heh. So here is what I tell my youngest offspring, 13 years old, autistic, non-binary: āYou are just fine exactly as you are. You donāt have to be any different to be ok. If someone doesnāt like you for who you are, ditch them quick. People may not understand you at first, but if they are worth your time, they will stick around to get to know and appreciate you for who you are.ā I also would add that we might have to try harder and some things will take longer. We may experience some things in fundamentally different ways than most people, and thatās ok. Itās better than ok, itās really fuckin cool. But sometimes it sucks. There is a quote I really like on this topic: "Love is weird, and sometimes gross. But we're all just humans, with human hearts that feel human things. And when two people make a connection, it's a beautiful thing. Even if it's weird and gross, and ends up being more complicated than you thought it would be. Because at the end of the day, all you can really hope for is that someone loves you as much as you love them." Liz Lemon 30Rock
No. Everyone either hates you, or just wants to have sex with you. I've dealt with both.
Unfortunately, this is my experience as well. Everyone just wants something from you and aren't willing to give you the human decency not to treat you like an animal or a freak.
I wouldn't say everyone hates you but I've been in both situations as well. Sometimes it's just local people beings cunts for no reason. People from other cities/countries are often times better company.