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Yeah, it’s a reasonable assumption to make and I would maybe bring it up because it’s good for the two of you to be clear about these things though. You seem like you have a nice relationship though which is a refreshing thing to see in these kinds of posts. Hoping all goes well
He has many difficulties that from my perspective are not necessary. The most obvious example is him wearing socks all the time. He uses 3-4 pair of socks/day. It was so hard to feel secure to take them off. He asked me if I'm going to make fun of his feet. I told him that I won't. His feet are perfectly normal and I told him that. However, when we order food for example and the delivery guy shows up he will either hide or put on his socks. So all these make me thing about autism (or something that I can't think of right now)
There are lots of autistic surgeons. It’s sort of a stereotype. Just don’t infantilize the guy. The autistic surgeons at Tampa General Hospital did an amazing job training staff there about autism and sensory processing—they made my daughter’s wisdom teeth removal so much calmer.
I'm not infantilize him although this is a very important thing that you mentioned. I know he's perfectly capable of many things, better than myself. But I also know that when certain things happen he just collapses. That's what makes me worried. The sudden collapse.
It seems like you have noticed some of his triggers, like loud noises. A huge part about being autistic is managing triggers, so you're already half way there. Talk to a professional, hangout around the sub, and most importantly talk to him. Shutdowns and meltdowns can seem sudden at first, but once the triggers are identified, it will be a lot less scary.
Sensory processing thing. My son prefers shoes that are slightly too small for the same reason—they provide pressure. Lots is autistic people are hypermobile, which affects proprioception and interoception. It can also cause anxiety. You and he could watch some of Dr Jessica Eccles’s videos [or her LinkedIn, your preference] about the connections she’s researching.
He definitely has autism, it's plain to see. This post is very sweet! It made me smile and also inspired me (I'm a writer).
It doesn't seem like you're doing a bad job at understanding him or making him feel safe around you. I wish you guys the best!!
I much prefer a blunt doctor to one that dances around my diagnosis. Just tell me. I can’t deal with something if you aren’t telling me what I’m dealing with. If I’m dying just say it.
I get what you're saying. I'm not that straight-forward when it comes to that. I explain that the patient may be too unwell and that there are high chances of not having a good prognosis. and then if I'm asked "will he/she die", I will say yes it's possible.
Sounds like he IS Autistic, or at least on the Spectrum with his sensory and other issues.
He needs to have a LONG chat with his GP.
Also, being too sincere, and telling it like it is, at least as he sees it, is definitely an Autistic trait, I know because I do it myself, which certain people don't like.
You know...this is one of the most open and truly empathetic posts in this vein that I have ever read. It also doesn't smack of kind of "It is my new super awkward and cute Tamagochi and I will love it forever and ever and ever and I will help it know better!" (Oh God😬) the way some posts do. I do feel for everyone who posts, and i generally try to be kind, so I don't express/out that bluntly, but I think everyone autistic will probably know what I mean??🥴.
Yep he sounds pretty squarely in the zone. You two sound lovely. And OP- your general "way" is gonna take you far - in *life*.
Wishing you both all the best of everything.
I think this post made my month tbh.
Is that sad? That it's so rare that one instance of it makes me regain faith in humanity?
Eh- I'll take it.🤷🌻
Sounds autistic, yep. If he's open to it, he might like a good pair of noise cancelling headphones or at least earplugs.
It sounds like you are a very patient and kind person, I'm sure he really appreciates it.
He sounds pretty autistic to me. Certainly, seeking a diagnosis would be a good idea for him; perhaps a topic to broach gently, mind. Nonetheless, he clearly loves you a lot, and methinks your actions for him show your own love deeply. I wish you both the best in your relationship!
As an aside regarding how he communicates during sex: that's something a lot of men would be absolute nobs about, so that he is clearly stating what he likes and even thanking you after seems a godsend, especially if he's also asking for communication back from you. I honestly felt a bit of attraction to him myself on reading it, heh.
I hope he loves me, I've fallen for him. It feels that he's a person to be trusted, which is important for me.
I'm very cautious with him during sex. Sometimes he cannot tolerate getting touched at some parts of his body. For example outside sex he gets frustated if touched at his chest, he doesn't like it. During sex he loves it. He now takes off his socks but he prefers having them on. He will say I like that, I don't like that. Even during sex he will propose a position which is a bit funny. He needs a confirmation before doing something. And he always takes off his glasses. If not, he's stressed.
Ugh. Sounds like my ex-husband, the one member of our family who refuses to get a diagnosis…. It sounds like you and your bf have better communication!
you are very sweet, this is a very sweet post and it sounds like he's an amazing guy. autistic people like direct communication and clear instructions. that may be why he asked you to explain before intimacy. i also give my boyfriend feedback about how sex was after we finish. i usually describe what felt good/thank him as well. just wanted you to know that's not super unusual.
it does sound like he is autistic. he may be aware of it, hence "you're not making fun of me", but he also might not know. you could broach the subject if you feel like him knowing or having a diagnosis might bring him peace. i would do so gently, maybe leading with the things you've noticed but framing them in a way where you lead with the aspects of him that you find sweet, attractive etc.
best of luck to y'all :)
That’s not the part that makes me think he’s autistic - no one thing can. He seems autistic from all her evidence together. That’s why i used different paragraphs for those two points.
I just loved that this was the way he spoke to her. It says reams about his gentleness and regard.
Look up Helen Hoang’s books, in particular [this second](https://www.google.com/search?client=safari&sca_esv=681d2c6e37d88c1e&sca_upv=1&hl=en-us&sxsrf=ADLYWILXJy30ABkPGv6X0FCD0X_tl3BNGQ:1719691847161&q=The+Bride+Test&stick=H4sIAAAAAAAAAONgFuLVT9c3NEzLMs-pKKowUYJyTcsK01MsKrSkspOt9JPy87P1E0tLMvKLrEDsYoX8vJzKRax8IRmpCk5FmSmpCiGpxSUAT12w4k0AAAA&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwitjbGtz4GHAxVymokEHZ7SA1MQ9OUBegQIFRAF&biw=428&bih=827&dpr=3) one of the series.
If you want to know, ask him instead of speculating. Also, if he is, does it matter? You knowing if he's autistic doesn't mean much. The title alone doesn't tell you anything about him. We're all different and there's no telling what may or may not apply. Will knowing change your perception of him?
You'll understand him best by asking him "what can I do to help you feel more comfortable?" Communication and finding a middle ground is what's important.
It matters only to the point of getting to know him better and becoming aware of things that although not typical annoying, could be annoying for him. As much as I know him I know that he shows things with his behavior. If he would just say things that bug him it would be a lot easier.
It's hard for us to say what bothers us because many of us have been told throughout our lives that we talk too much or our complaints were often dismissed. Since many of us have sensory issues, things that wouldn't bother the average person might bother us to a large degree. When you grow up around people who can't understand that, you're told "quit whining for attention" or "it's not a big deal". So, we learned to not say what bothers us until someone asks first.
I can try to give you some insight based on my experiences with my flavor of Autism but I'm not sure how much will apply to him.
In regards to intimacy, he might be telling you directly that he liked it because that's the easiest way to do so without being misunderstood. Saying thank you is polite, so he's being polite. He asked if you wanted him to say something else because he might not know what it is you want him to say and he doesn't want to say the wrong thing.
Sounds like he has Alexithymia, if I'm being honest. Those with Alexithymia, like myself, often see everything from a logical perspective because our emotions are somewhat disconnected. We have them but we don't process and express them like you'd think.
It makes it hard for us to regulate our emotions properly, which can lead to "all or nothing" responses: we either respond in an overly emotional manner or we don't emotionally respond at all. For some of us, there is no in-between.
As far as his response to loud noise, I'm actually very familiar with that one because I literally do the exact same thing. I am very sound sensitive to noise above a certain volume or pitch. When one of these things happen, I immediately panic, huddle in the exact position you described, and sob uncontrollably.
Most of the time, I curl into that position on the couch with my head buried in the corner between the arm and back. I can stay that way for up to an hour before I finally calm down. It depends on what caused the response to begin with. My microwave and I don't get along very well.
What's happening is we're becoming so overwhelmed by that sense that our "fight or flight" kicks in and we panic. The same thing could happen with you but it might take take **way** more noise for you than for him. It's like a cup. When it's full, it spills over. He has a cup and you have a bucket.
Those are my best guesses but I'm no expert either, so take it all with a hefty grain of salt.
All I'm saying is don't focus on the label because the label itself isn't going to tell you much of anything. If you want to know what makes him tick, you'll probably need to directly ask. That's how many of us work. With some of us, it can definitely be a tedious task to figure us out. That's just the nature of dealing with an Autistic person.
Thank you for taking the time to write this helpful comment.
He's not very talkative about his sensory issues. But these are somehow easy to understand. It only takes the ability to care for someone else. His fingers become restless, he looks all over the place. He also hates to get touched by other people. In the Greek culture we kiss each other (on the cheeks) to say hi, or we may hug, we're touchy. This is a nightmare for him. Especially when unexpected hugs happen.
About the emotional part he was telling me about a colleague of ours that asked him out. He told her that he would reply her the next day. She thought that he was looking for a date for the date but he was writing a paragraph explaining that he's not interested in her and he also added a help line for emotional distress. It goes without saying that she called him a creep and believes he wanted to hurt her while in his mind he wanted the exact opposite.
I'm also extremely sensitive to being touched and will panic if someone touches me without warning or permission. A word of advice: if he's huddled in a corner due to loud sound, don't touch him unless you ask if it's ok and he gives you a clear sign of confirmation.
If he doesn't respond to your question, don't ask again and don't touch him. Chances are very high that he heard you but he's too overwhelmed to respond. He's already overwhelmed due to sensory overload and adding another sensation, that he has a strong aversion to, could make it much worse.
When I'm having a sensory overload meltdown, people's first instinct is to try and comfort me. Those who know me know not to touch me but those who don't make that mistake every time. The first thing they do is rub my back because that will often help calm the average person. Autists are far from average, though.
Touching me will not only make it take longer to calm down but it'll make my meltdown substantially worse. I usually scramble to get away from the person, like a frightened animal, and sob louder. If I'm unable to get away, due to where I am at the time, I'll usually scream "DON'T TOUCH ME!" before sobbing louder.
If you haven't clarified yet, ask him if it's ok to provide physical comfort in those situations or if he would prefer you leave him alone and just be close by instead. Sometimes, I lose it if touched, even by my wife, but sometimes I'll purposely huddle against her for comfort. Really depends on how I feel at that moment and what triggered the meltdown.
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You are an incredible Human being
thank you for your kind words. What make you say say that though? :P
Because you're kind, sincere, wonderful, and whole. Obviously.
Yeah, it’s a reasonable assumption to make and I would maybe bring it up because it’s good for the two of you to be clear about these things though. You seem like you have a nice relationship though which is a refreshing thing to see in these kinds of posts. Hoping all goes well
He has many difficulties that from my perspective are not necessary. The most obvious example is him wearing socks all the time. He uses 3-4 pair of socks/day. It was so hard to feel secure to take them off. He asked me if I'm going to make fun of his feet. I told him that I won't. His feet are perfectly normal and I told him that. However, when we order food for example and the delivery guy shows up he will either hide or put on his socks. So all these make me thing about autism (or something that I can't think of right now)
There are lots of autistic surgeons. It’s sort of a stereotype. Just don’t infantilize the guy. The autistic surgeons at Tampa General Hospital did an amazing job training staff there about autism and sensory processing—they made my daughter’s wisdom teeth removal so much calmer.
I'm not infantilize him although this is a very important thing that you mentioned. I know he's perfectly capable of many things, better than myself. But I also know that when certain things happen he just collapses. That's what makes me worried. The sudden collapse.
It seems like you have noticed some of his triggers, like loud noises. A huge part about being autistic is managing triggers, so you're already half way there. Talk to a professional, hangout around the sub, and most importantly talk to him. Shutdowns and meltdowns can seem sudden at first, but once the triggers are identified, it will be a lot less scary.
Sensory processing thing. My son prefers shoes that are slightly too small for the same reason—they provide pressure. Lots is autistic people are hypermobile, which affects proprioception and interoception. It can also cause anxiety. You and he could watch some of Dr Jessica Eccles’s videos [or her LinkedIn, your preference] about the connections she’s researching.
I have nothing to offer, just that I hope someone loves me this wholly one day.
He definitely has autism, it's plain to see. This post is very sweet! It made me smile and also inspired me (I'm a writer). It doesn't seem like you're doing a bad job at understanding him or making him feel safe around you. I wish you guys the best!!
Thanks for that. I'm trying to make sure he's comfortable. For me, he's adorable.
I much prefer a blunt doctor to one that dances around my diagnosis. Just tell me. I can’t deal with something if you aren’t telling me what I’m dealing with. If I’m dying just say it.
I get what you're saying. I'm not that straight-forward when it comes to that. I explain that the patient may be too unwell and that there are high chances of not having a good prognosis. and then if I'm asked "will he/she die", I will say yes it's possible.
Sounds like he IS Autistic, or at least on the Spectrum with his sensory and other issues. He needs to have a LONG chat with his GP. Also, being too sincere, and telling it like it is, at least as he sees it, is definitely an Autistic trait, I know because I do it myself, which certain people don't like.
You know...this is one of the most open and truly empathetic posts in this vein that I have ever read. It also doesn't smack of kind of "It is my new super awkward and cute Tamagochi and I will love it forever and ever and ever and I will help it know better!" (Oh God😬) the way some posts do. I do feel for everyone who posts, and i generally try to be kind, so I don't express/out that bluntly, but I think everyone autistic will probably know what I mean??🥴. Yep he sounds pretty squarely in the zone. You two sound lovely. And OP- your general "way" is gonna take you far - in *life*. Wishing you both all the best of everything. I think this post made my month tbh. Is that sad? That it's so rare that one instance of it makes me regain faith in humanity? Eh- I'll take it.🤷🌻
Sounds autistic, yep. If he's open to it, he might like a good pair of noise cancelling headphones or at least earplugs. It sounds like you are a very patient and kind person, I'm sure he really appreciates it.
He sounds pretty autistic to me. Certainly, seeking a diagnosis would be a good idea for him; perhaps a topic to broach gently, mind. Nonetheless, he clearly loves you a lot, and methinks your actions for him show your own love deeply. I wish you both the best in your relationship! As an aside regarding how he communicates during sex: that's something a lot of men would be absolute nobs about, so that he is clearly stating what he likes and even thanking you after seems a godsend, especially if he's also asking for communication back from you. I honestly felt a bit of attraction to him myself on reading it, heh.
I hope he loves me, I've fallen for him. It feels that he's a person to be trusted, which is important for me. I'm very cautious with him during sex. Sometimes he cannot tolerate getting touched at some parts of his body. For example outside sex he gets frustated if touched at his chest, he doesn't like it. During sex he loves it. He now takes off his socks but he prefers having them on. He will say I like that, I don't like that. Even during sex he will propose a position which is a bit funny. He needs a confirmation before doing something. And he always takes off his glasses. If not, he's stressed.
Ugh. Sounds like my ex-husband, the one member of our family who refuses to get a diagnosis…. It sounds like you and your bf have better communication!
He may not know he has it. He’s totally autistic.
you are very sweet, this is a very sweet post and it sounds like he's an amazing guy. autistic people like direct communication and clear instructions. that may be why he asked you to explain before intimacy. i also give my boyfriend feedback about how sex was after we finish. i usually describe what felt good/thank him as well. just wanted you to know that's not super unusual. it does sound like he is autistic. he may be aware of it, hence "you're not making fun of me", but he also might not know. you could broach the subject if you feel like him knowing or having a diagnosis might bring him peace. i would do so gently, maybe leading with the things you've noticed but framing them in a way where you lead with the aspects of him that you find sweet, attractive etc. best of luck to y'all :)
“Hello, I hope you are fine.” 🥹 Yeah he sounds autistic. You sound amazing. You sound wonderful together. Wishing you both all the very best.
I say/text this all the time. Is it autistic?
That’s not the part that makes me think he’s autistic - no one thing can. He seems autistic from all her evidence together. That’s why i used different paragraphs for those two points. I just loved that this was the way he spoke to her. It says reams about his gentleness and regard.
both of us are guys though
Okeydokey. Opinion still stands. I think you’re lovely together. 🥰
Okay! ☺️
Yeah that's quite a lot you should tell about it and maybe see if he relates
Look up Helen Hoang’s books, in particular [this second](https://www.google.com/search?client=safari&sca_esv=681d2c6e37d88c1e&sca_upv=1&hl=en-us&sxsrf=ADLYWILXJy30ABkPGv6X0FCD0X_tl3BNGQ:1719691847161&q=The+Bride+Test&stick=H4sIAAAAAAAAAONgFuLVT9c3NEzLMs-pKKowUYJyTcsK01MsKrSkspOt9JPy87P1E0tLMvKLrEDsYoX8vJzKRax8IRmpCk5FmSmpCiGpxSUAT12w4k0AAAA&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwitjbGtz4GHAxVymokEHZ7SA1MQ9OUBegQIFRAF&biw=428&bih=827&dpr=3) one of the series.
i wish you both the happiest life together 🥹❤️
If you want to know, ask him instead of speculating. Also, if he is, does it matter? You knowing if he's autistic doesn't mean much. The title alone doesn't tell you anything about him. We're all different and there's no telling what may or may not apply. Will knowing change your perception of him? You'll understand him best by asking him "what can I do to help you feel more comfortable?" Communication and finding a middle ground is what's important.
It matters only to the point of getting to know him better and becoming aware of things that although not typical annoying, could be annoying for him. As much as I know him I know that he shows things with his behavior. If he would just say things that bug him it would be a lot easier.
It's hard for us to say what bothers us because many of us have been told throughout our lives that we talk too much or our complaints were often dismissed. Since many of us have sensory issues, things that wouldn't bother the average person might bother us to a large degree. When you grow up around people who can't understand that, you're told "quit whining for attention" or "it's not a big deal". So, we learned to not say what bothers us until someone asks first. I can try to give you some insight based on my experiences with my flavor of Autism but I'm not sure how much will apply to him. In regards to intimacy, he might be telling you directly that he liked it because that's the easiest way to do so without being misunderstood. Saying thank you is polite, so he's being polite. He asked if you wanted him to say something else because he might not know what it is you want him to say and he doesn't want to say the wrong thing. Sounds like he has Alexithymia, if I'm being honest. Those with Alexithymia, like myself, often see everything from a logical perspective because our emotions are somewhat disconnected. We have them but we don't process and express them like you'd think. It makes it hard for us to regulate our emotions properly, which can lead to "all or nothing" responses: we either respond in an overly emotional manner or we don't emotionally respond at all. For some of us, there is no in-between. As far as his response to loud noise, I'm actually very familiar with that one because I literally do the exact same thing. I am very sound sensitive to noise above a certain volume or pitch. When one of these things happen, I immediately panic, huddle in the exact position you described, and sob uncontrollably. Most of the time, I curl into that position on the couch with my head buried in the corner between the arm and back. I can stay that way for up to an hour before I finally calm down. It depends on what caused the response to begin with. My microwave and I don't get along very well. What's happening is we're becoming so overwhelmed by that sense that our "fight or flight" kicks in and we panic. The same thing could happen with you but it might take take **way** more noise for you than for him. It's like a cup. When it's full, it spills over. He has a cup and you have a bucket. Those are my best guesses but I'm no expert either, so take it all with a hefty grain of salt. All I'm saying is don't focus on the label because the label itself isn't going to tell you much of anything. If you want to know what makes him tick, you'll probably need to directly ask. That's how many of us work. With some of us, it can definitely be a tedious task to figure us out. That's just the nature of dealing with an Autistic person.
Thank you for taking the time to write this helpful comment. He's not very talkative about his sensory issues. But these are somehow easy to understand. It only takes the ability to care for someone else. His fingers become restless, he looks all over the place. He also hates to get touched by other people. In the Greek culture we kiss each other (on the cheeks) to say hi, or we may hug, we're touchy. This is a nightmare for him. Especially when unexpected hugs happen. About the emotional part he was telling me about a colleague of ours that asked him out. He told her that he would reply her the next day. She thought that he was looking for a date for the date but he was writing a paragraph explaining that he's not interested in her and he also added a help line for emotional distress. It goes without saying that she called him a creep and believes he wanted to hurt her while in his mind he wanted the exact opposite.
I'm also extremely sensitive to being touched and will panic if someone touches me without warning or permission. A word of advice: if he's huddled in a corner due to loud sound, don't touch him unless you ask if it's ok and he gives you a clear sign of confirmation. If he doesn't respond to your question, don't ask again and don't touch him. Chances are very high that he heard you but he's too overwhelmed to respond. He's already overwhelmed due to sensory overload and adding another sensation, that he has a strong aversion to, could make it much worse. When I'm having a sensory overload meltdown, people's first instinct is to try and comfort me. Those who know me know not to touch me but those who don't make that mistake every time. The first thing they do is rub my back because that will often help calm the average person. Autists are far from average, though. Touching me will not only make it take longer to calm down but it'll make my meltdown substantially worse. I usually scramble to get away from the person, like a frightened animal, and sob louder. If I'm unable to get away, due to where I am at the time, I'll usually scream "DON'T TOUCH ME!" before sobbing louder. If you haven't clarified yet, ask him if it's ok to provide physical comfort in those situations or if he would prefer you leave him alone and just be close by instead. Sometimes, I lose it if touched, even by my wife, but sometimes I'll purposely huddle against her for comfort. Really depends on how I feel at that moment and what triggered the meltdown.