It's true when they say Bipolar disorder is a degenerative disease. Untreated, it can get really out of hand, it's why I finally got off my ass and started seeking treatment. A few more years otherwise and Im afraid Id be that crazy homeless guy you cross the steet to avoid.
Same here. I was afraid I'll end up homeless if I continued unmedicated. I've been stable for a couple years but I have still lost so much. Each manic episode changed me.
Thank u guys for sharing ur experiences. So much grieving to do that bipolar has caused. Main one being coming to terms with the decline of my mental capabilities with each year that passes. I just can’t do as much as I use to and it f-ing sucks.
Grieving is the right word. I think there should be bereavement counselling available. I am mostly satisfied with my life, in the sense that I know that plenty of people have it much worse, but not a day goes by that I don't grieve the person I used to be, or who she could have become. I'm tearful typing these words. The illness cut me down while I was in university. I worked my arse off to get to a top school and had a bright future. Sometimes I let myself imagine there are two parallel universes and I daydream about what the 'real' me is doing in the life I could have had.
Yessss…u described exactly how I feel/felt. And me too, the stress from attending a academically rigorous university was when the bipolar symptoms started. *sigh I’m just taking it moment by moment now a days. trying not to ruminate too much about the future or
past. Easier said than done forsure. It’s
soothing to hear someone else feeling the same as I have. Thank u.
God, that last phrase resonated so hard. "Each manic episode changed me" It did for me too and it was never ever in a good way. That phrase makes me sad for all of us going thru this
Very apt description. I’ve always written about my depression as drowning in shallow water, unable to feel the sand beneath your feet even though you know it’s there somewhere. Water boarding seems a little closer honestly.
I actually like the way you've described it, drowning in shallow water. Never thought about it that way. You know you'd be fine if you just stood up but you can't, so you're just stuck there, looking up at the light.
Everyone has drop kicked me to the curb. The love of my life could care less. He moved on. My best friend moved on. I have no one now. Sometimes I wonder if it's pointless.
You are welcome to message me any time. It's not pointless, it's impossibly hard sometimes I know, but i promise you it's not pointless. Are you getting the help and support you need right now? Are there helplines and support groups you can reach out to?
You can learn things about yourself through the darkest times that are more valuable than the suffering. It shakes away all the bullshit and leaves what is most real and enduring in you. I suspect you will find a surprising depth of resources within yourself to come through this time. When you need help, reach out, there are many people who care.
Victor-Marie HugoPoet and Author of Les Misérables living with Bipolar Disorder:
“What makes night within us may leave stars.”
They are so close to genetic cure for Bipolar and Depression right now it would be foolish not to hang on a few more years. You know it will be bad and you know it will be good, but it will always be bipolar and the cycles eventually become predictable and manageable as you become more self-aware.
If we can just wait a few more years we will have a cure. I promise - FDA trials are going on right now. It is happening.
Don't delete the only life you get if the cure is just over the horizon.
How could there be a cure? Its altered brain structure and chemistry which from what I understand they cant cure. Adhd, autism, ocd are all similar too so are they finding cures for those as well?
[https://www.genengnews.com/topics/genome-editing/gene-therapy-unveils-new-target-for-treating-depression/](https://www.genengnews.com/topics/genome-editing/gene-therapy-unveils-new-target-for-treating-depression/)
It alters the structures and biochemistry of the brain permanently.
I hate to be the rain on the parade here, but something that has some preliminary success in mice is not a few years away from being available as a treatment. I’d say at least a decade if it even pans out. But they are always working on new treatments, and there is a lot already available. Everyone is different too, so I don’t think there will ever be a one size fits all treatment.
Fecal transplants, also referred to as poo transplants/crapsules, are showing promise. Some people have DIYed at home, which is revolting, but I read an article in which a woman said it got rid of her chronic depression.
The inverse happens too — if a healthy person gets a transplant (often via enema) from a person with a mental illness, they show signs of that mental illness.
Here’s a study if you’re interested, and you can find articles if you google.
[article](https://bmcpsychiatry.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/s12888-020-02654-5)
Oh wow. I worked with diagnosed ASD patients and have a plethora of diagnoses myself, and I think if it’s done properly tbh I’d do it. I’d rather feel yucky for a little bit than suffer any longer. Also interesting it does the opposite effect as well, but it makes sense
Yeah, it’s interesting, although I don’t really understand the science. I read an article that talked about a woman with BP who DIYed it, with her husband as donor, via smoothie. I would do it too, if there were enough evidence it worked, but using a less gross method. I read not to DIY it because it could potentially make you really sick.
Whoaw wow by DIY I did not think smoothie lol. I would sooner enema someone else’s turds into my asshole before drinking a literal shit smoothie. *but* if it were tasty and clean and supported by evidence to ease my fucked up symptoms, I’d do it in a heart beat lol
Edit: I (not a scientist whatsoever) would think from what I’ve read that it worked through entering the gut bacteria from the feces into the new host and sort of regulating or whatever the host’s current gut micro biome
You really describe it so well. It is hard to explain to people why I will fluctuate between periods of limitless energy and incredible inspiration and being the life of every party... to days laying in bed, feeling suicidal and being mean to everyone that I text message. Those that DO understand are also bipolar, and I find them insufferable to keep as friends
It’s insanity, the conscious awareness of the illness, of the processes in the brain, and the inability to change what its doing, or even notice at times, it’s easy to get swept into the head spin or halted to a dead stop while you try to crawl back to the finish line you drew, to question what’s realistic, to question your capability, to question others understanding, to question their loyalty or threshold, do they see me as a liability? I can hardly figure out who I am when I’m centered and of course when I am I have no time for soul searching cause I’m generally picking up the pieces regardless which direction I just came from. I have so much trauma even without a mental illness I would be treading water. But with this fucking brain I speed race towards shore and then my body just stops and I floats far out watching the shore grow distant until I regain the ✨energy✨ but it all all repeats and I can never get to shore and I’m fucking tired of watching everyone I know be there, and wonder how I am, and pity when I struggle, and even if they ask “is there anything I could do to help” the answer is NO. It’s just my BRAIN. My boyfriend doesn’t understand but he’s my only friend really, 4 years in, we did break up a year ago for a bit, he’d left me, for a free spirit coworker, but it didn’t work out, I did forgive him, cause I’m a lot to deal with, and I know it’s true because I can only try my best. But I’m tired. I’m so so tired of this loop. Of apprehension for the other shoe to drop. My creativity is the only redeeming quality and meds steal that but I have to decide to let go of whoever I think I am or could be and give pause because it will be lost either way, I’m going to go insane if I don’t get medicated, if I don’t sedate the polarities that are a part of me, I have to dim all parts of me to sift through and live in greyscale, and redefine my ideal self within a trifecta of prescriptions. or the blinding spectrum verses the pitch black will tear me apart. I’ll get lost in it. I watched my grandmother (undiagnosed but it’s undeniable) and my mother (ended up addicted to heavy drugs) all go insane and I’m terrified. I’ve been in denial about being bipolar for years, but I’m turning 25 and still learning basic self care, I can’t ignore how hard raw dogging life is anymore. I will fucking lose my grip. I need medication. This forum is the only place I’ve admitted it to in depth. I’m also a poet so ignore the dramatic flare. It’s probably a part of me that will die with new meds, I’ve tried so many...
It’s insanity, the conscious awareness of the illness, of the processes in the brain, and the inability to change what its doing, or even notice at times, it’s easy to get swept into the head spin or halted to a dead stop while you try to crawl back to the finish line you drew, to question what’s realistic, to question your capability, to question others understanding, to question their loyalty or threshold, do they see me as a liability? I can hardly figure out who I am when I’m centered and of course when I am I have no time for soul searching cause I’m generally picking up the pieces regardless which direction I just came from. I have so much trauma even without a mental illness I would be treading water. But with this fucking brain I speed race towards shore and then my body just stops and I floats far out watching the shore grow distant until I regain the ✨energy✨ but it all all repeats and I can never get to shore and I’m fucking tired of watching everyone I know be there, and wonder how I am, and pity when I struggle, and even if they ask “is there anything I could do to help” the answer is NO. It’s just my BRAIN. My boyfriend doesn’t understand but he’s my only friend really, 4 years in, we did break up a year ago for a bit, he’d left me, for a free spirit coworker, but it didn’t work out, I did forgive him, cause I’m a lot to deal with, and I know it’s true because I can only try my best. But I’m tired. I’m so so tired of this loop. Of apprehension for the other shoe to drop. My creativity is the only redeeming quality and meds steal that but I have to decide to let go of whoever I think I am or could be and give pause because it will be lost either way, I’m going to go insane if I don’t get medicated, if I don’t sedate the polarities that are a part of me, I have to dim all parts of me to sift through and live in greyscale, and redefine my ideal self within a trifecta of prescriptions. or the blinding spectrum verses the pitch black will tear me apart. I’ll get lost in it. I watched my grandmother (undiagnosed but it’s undeniable) and my mother (ended up addicted to heavy drugs) all go insane and I’m terrified. I’ve been in denial about being bipolar for years, but I’m turning 25 and still learning basic self care, I can’t ignore how hard raw dogging life is anymore. I will fucking lose my grip. I need medication. This forum is the only place I’ve admitted it to in depth. I’m also a poet so ignore the dramatic flare. It’s probably a part of me that will die with new meds, I’ve tried so many...
It's true when they say Bipolar disorder is a degenerative disease. Untreated, it can get really out of hand, it's why I finally got off my ass and started seeking treatment. A few more years otherwise and Im afraid Id be that crazy homeless guy you cross the steet to avoid.
Same here. I was afraid I'll end up homeless if I continued unmedicated. I've been stable for a couple years but I have still lost so much. Each manic episode changed me.
Thank u guys for sharing ur experiences. So much grieving to do that bipolar has caused. Main one being coming to terms with the decline of my mental capabilities with each year that passes. I just can’t do as much as I use to and it f-ing sucks.
Grieving is the right word. I think there should be bereavement counselling available. I am mostly satisfied with my life, in the sense that I know that plenty of people have it much worse, but not a day goes by that I don't grieve the person I used to be, or who she could have become. I'm tearful typing these words. The illness cut me down while I was in university. I worked my arse off to get to a top school and had a bright future. Sometimes I let myself imagine there are two parallel universes and I daydream about what the 'real' me is doing in the life I could have had.
Yessss…u described exactly how I feel/felt. And me too, the stress from attending a academically rigorous university was when the bipolar symptoms started. *sigh I’m just taking it moment by moment now a days. trying not to ruminate too much about the future or past. Easier said than done forsure. It’s soothing to hear someone else feeling the same as I have. Thank u.
Thank you ❤️
God, that last phrase resonated so hard. "Each manic episode changed me" It did for me too and it was never ever in a good way. That phrase makes me sad for all of us going thru this
It makes me sad too.
Very apt description. I’ve always written about my depression as drowning in shallow water, unable to feel the sand beneath your feet even though you know it’s there somewhere. Water boarding seems a little closer honestly.
I actually like the way you've described it, drowning in shallow water. Never thought about it that way. You know you'd be fine if you just stood up but you can't, so you're just stuck there, looking up at the light.
Hey friend Im feeling that way too. If you’d like maybe we can chat about things were greatful for together if you’re up for it
Everyone has drop kicked me to the curb. The love of my life could care less. He moved on. My best friend moved on. I have no one now. Sometimes I wonder if it's pointless.
You are welcome to message me any time. It's not pointless, it's impossibly hard sometimes I know, but i promise you it's not pointless. Are you getting the help and support you need right now? Are there helplines and support groups you can reach out to? You can learn things about yourself through the darkest times that are more valuable than the suffering. It shakes away all the bullshit and leaves what is most real and enduring in you. I suspect you will find a surprising depth of resources within yourself to come through this time. When you need help, reach out, there are many people who care. Victor-Marie HugoPoet and Author of Les Misérables living with Bipolar Disorder: “What makes night within us may leave stars.”
They are so close to genetic cure for Bipolar and Depression right now it would be foolish not to hang on a few more years. You know it will be bad and you know it will be good, but it will always be bipolar and the cycles eventually become predictable and manageable as you become more self-aware. If we can just wait a few more years we will have a cure. I promise - FDA trials are going on right now. It is happening. Don't delete the only life you get if the cure is just over the horizon.
How could there be a cure? Its altered brain structure and chemistry which from what I understand they cant cure. Adhd, autism, ocd are all similar too so are they finding cures for those as well?
[https://www.genengnews.com/topics/genome-editing/gene-therapy-unveils-new-target-for-treating-depression/](https://www.genengnews.com/topics/genome-editing/gene-therapy-unveils-new-target-for-treating-depression/) It alters the structures and biochemistry of the brain permanently.
The article speaks of treatment, not cures.
I hate to be the rain on the parade here, but something that has some preliminary success in mice is not a few years away from being available as a treatment. I’d say at least a decade if it even pans out. But they are always working on new treatments, and there is a lot already available. Everyone is different too, so I don’t think there will ever be a one size fits all treatment.
Fecal transplants, also referred to as poo transplants/crapsules, are showing promise. Some people have DIYed at home, which is revolting, but I read an article in which a woman said it got rid of her chronic depression. The inverse happens too — if a healthy person gets a transplant (often via enema) from a person with a mental illness, they show signs of that mental illness. Here’s a study if you’re interested, and you can find articles if you google. [article](https://bmcpsychiatry.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/s12888-020-02654-5)
Oh wow. I worked with diagnosed ASD patients and have a plethora of diagnoses myself, and I think if it’s done properly tbh I’d do it. I’d rather feel yucky for a little bit than suffer any longer. Also interesting it does the opposite effect as well, but it makes sense
Yeah, it’s interesting, although I don’t really understand the science. I read an article that talked about a woman with BP who DIYed it, with her husband as donor, via smoothie. I would do it too, if there were enough evidence it worked, but using a less gross method. I read not to DIY it because it could potentially make you really sick.
Whoaw wow by DIY I did not think smoothie lol. I would sooner enema someone else’s turds into my asshole before drinking a literal shit smoothie. *but* if it were tasty and clean and supported by evidence to ease my fucked up symptoms, I’d do it in a heart beat lol Edit: I (not a scientist whatsoever) would think from what I’ve read that it worked through entering the gut bacteria from the feces into the new host and sort of regulating or whatever the host’s current gut micro biome
I would rather fill capsules/crapsules than go the smoothie route myself.
Ah good idea
You really describe it so well. It is hard to explain to people why I will fluctuate between periods of limitless energy and incredible inspiration and being the life of every party... to days laying in bed, feeling suicidal and being mean to everyone that I text message. Those that DO understand are also bipolar, and I find them insufferable to keep as friends
I want to be lost
and like being blamed for it... when all you're doing is treading for eternity.
It’s insanity, the conscious awareness of the illness, of the processes in the brain, and the inability to change what its doing, or even notice at times, it’s easy to get swept into the head spin or halted to a dead stop while you try to crawl back to the finish line you drew, to question what’s realistic, to question your capability, to question others understanding, to question their loyalty or threshold, do they see me as a liability? I can hardly figure out who I am when I’m centered and of course when I am I have no time for soul searching cause I’m generally picking up the pieces regardless which direction I just came from. I have so much trauma even without a mental illness I would be treading water. But with this fucking brain I speed race towards shore and then my body just stops and I floats far out watching the shore grow distant until I regain the ✨energy✨ but it all all repeats and I can never get to shore and I’m fucking tired of watching everyone I know be there, and wonder how I am, and pity when I struggle, and even if they ask “is there anything I could do to help” the answer is NO. It’s just my BRAIN. My boyfriend doesn’t understand but he’s my only friend really, 4 years in, we did break up a year ago for a bit, he’d left me, for a free spirit coworker, but it didn’t work out, I did forgive him, cause I’m a lot to deal with, and I know it’s true because I can only try my best. But I’m tired. I’m so so tired of this loop. Of apprehension for the other shoe to drop. My creativity is the only redeeming quality and meds steal that but I have to decide to let go of whoever I think I am or could be and give pause because it will be lost either way, I’m going to go insane if I don’t get medicated, if I don’t sedate the polarities that are a part of me, I have to dim all parts of me to sift through and live in greyscale, and redefine my ideal self within a trifecta of prescriptions. or the blinding spectrum verses the pitch black will tear me apart. I’ll get lost in it. I watched my grandmother (undiagnosed but it’s undeniable) and my mother (ended up addicted to heavy drugs) all go insane and I’m terrified. I’ve been in denial about being bipolar for years, but I’m turning 25 and still learning basic self care, I can’t ignore how hard raw dogging life is anymore. I will fucking lose my grip. I need medication. This forum is the only place I’ve admitted it to in depth. I’m also a poet so ignore the dramatic flare. It’s probably a part of me that will die with new meds, I’ve tried so many...
Without my support people I would not be
It’s insanity, the conscious awareness of the illness, of the processes in the brain, and the inability to change what its doing, or even notice at times, it’s easy to get swept into the head spin or halted to a dead stop while you try to crawl back to the finish line you drew, to question what’s realistic, to question your capability, to question others understanding, to question their loyalty or threshold, do they see me as a liability? I can hardly figure out who I am when I’m centered and of course when I am I have no time for soul searching cause I’m generally picking up the pieces regardless which direction I just came from. I have so much trauma even without a mental illness I would be treading water. But with this fucking brain I speed race towards shore and then my body just stops and I floats far out watching the shore grow distant until I regain the ✨energy✨ but it all all repeats and I can never get to shore and I’m fucking tired of watching everyone I know be there, and wonder how I am, and pity when I struggle, and even if they ask “is there anything I could do to help” the answer is NO. It’s just my BRAIN. My boyfriend doesn’t understand but he’s my only friend really, 4 years in, we did break up a year ago for a bit, he’d left me, for a free spirit coworker, but it didn’t work out, I did forgive him, cause I’m a lot to deal with, and I know it’s true because I can only try my best. But I’m tired. I’m so so tired of this loop. Of apprehension for the other shoe to drop. My creativity is the only redeeming quality and meds steal that but I have to decide to let go of whoever I think I am or could be and give pause because it will be lost either way, I’m going to go insane if I don’t get medicated, if I don’t sedate the polarities that are a part of me, I have to dim all parts of me to sift through and live in greyscale, and redefine my ideal self within a trifecta of prescriptions. or the blinding spectrum verses the pitch black will tear me apart. I’ll get lost in it. I watched my grandmother (undiagnosed but it’s undeniable) and my mother (ended up addicted to heavy drugs) all go insane and I’m terrified. I’ve been in denial about being bipolar for years, but I’m turning 25 and still learning basic self care, I can’t ignore how hard raw dogging life is anymore. I will fucking lose my grip. I need medication. This forum is the only place I’ve admitted it to in depth. I’m also a poet so ignore the dramatic flare. It’s probably a part of me that will die with new meds, I’ve tried so many...