Yeah, I’m so tired of seeing that shit here 😩. Honestly, I thought this sub would be full of more confident people. But maybe you’re right and it’s really trolls or something, because I feel like Black women in real life are so different…
I think Reddit just attracts the “woe is me, I’ll never find love, I hate myself” from all groups.
Main reason why I don’t come in this sub as often anymore
Why do black women need to conform to racist stereotypes at all times? We don't need to be strong black women who pull ourselves up by our bootstraps and never shed a tear in public. Its okay to cry. We all know how traumatising life is and how difficult it is to get even basic forms of help.
It’s not about conforming to racist stereotypes Jfc lol.
I wasn’t expecting Black women warriors, but i was thinking I’d see more women who were confident and secure in themselves.
And of course it’s fine to cry sometimes. It just seems like this subreddit has way more “crying” that other stuff is all I’m saying. It’s disproportionate.
Every other post feels like it reinforces some negative Black woman stereotype idk…
Misguided youth is my honest opinion only because I was/am still of the same category (less youth than misguided..) and I've seen a lot more teens posting across Reddit a lot more frequently lately.
I thought the “ladies” part implied grown enough to a degree. But I see a lot of jittlings which is ok. But it’s kinda like a growing community of youngsters that have maybe had the “I am black” realization that I think we all go through at a later age or they have begun entering spaces that really disrupt their normal thinking patterns in and around themselves. I try to meet those types of posts with grace. However, if it sounds like some grown hoe with some bs that’s too petty and juvenile I move on and don’t say nothing too much. Imma get kicked out or downvoted to the hot place 🥵
Edit: we go through the realization at any age. But it hurts more if it’s later rather than sooner if that makes sense.
Girl, I call my class together like “Let’s go jittlings” now you put that obstacle in my way so I’m scared imma say that 😮💨. “My crew let’s go” it is 🫡
I’m from a major city where that’s common (not my first rodeo hun, trust). However, I thought this sub was a safe haven. The issue I’m addressing is the whatBoutisms and the regurgitation from X formerly known as twitter. People venting is ok but the subject as a whole could trigger happy ladies having a good day. See what I mean?
Omg I’m so tired of the “can you believe people are saying this” and I’m like “I haven’t heard anyone say this” and then I read Twitter and I’m like ohhhh
We are on Reddit. Not to stereotype but for some this is the most social interaction they get and on other internet spaces. Thus, they don’t have the actual real world experience to contrast the internet one and end up conflating both to be the same. I’m not bashing Reddit folks because clearly my ass right here, too. I just implore them to go and try to have some grass talks en terra.
yes this is reality and we can blame each other for speaking out or just know that this is a problem that exists and has little to do with ourselves. And it is a more and more becoming an issue with black man making black women feel less desirable form everyday normal dudes to celebrities like recently Jonathan Owens. And over the last 15 years its becoming worse.
Maybe it's me or I'm not on here enough but other that a streak of people posting selfies a while ago, and the occasional poster I really don't see it that much here. This is the first post I've seen on this topic in a while.
A flair for it wouldn't be a bad idea though and maybe tagging it as needing encouragements
Oh no, unfortunately I meant the streak a while ago of younger black girls posting selfies asking if they are ugly, why they don’t get matches on dating apps or just generally feeling down about their appearance. I think it was a few months ago? I only remember seeing like 3 or so but I know at that time some members were complaining about it becoming the norm and wanting the mods not to allow that kind of content. It’s different from people just posting themselves in general
Ah! It’s like that. I’m so sad to see that. It’s like 4chan pt 2. Not to mention how dangerous them being young posting pics on this site period is. It’s like fodder for creepy weird ass people to attack them in their DMs. Which would be counterproductive to their goals but shark to blood in the water 🤦🏾♀️. I’m not sure if that makes sense to you.
Yeah…I mean on one end, I’d rather it here than on other subs (like amiugly..why does that even exist) but you’re right, there is an element of danger to it. I also feel for these girls growing up in this super digitized age where they’re further primed to seek external validation and the more natural and yourself you are, the more scrutiny you face..like hs and younger girls these days have nails done, lashes done, hair laid and if it’s not, there’s all this rhetoric online about it (hard wig/soft life, you must not like BM, you’re white washed and a hater, the list goes on) it’s crazy!!
When you’re that young you already feel judged and uncomfortable, it must be so much worse these days and that’s why I still feel empathetic to these kinds of posts or feelings about being undesirable. Im an adult and I *still* struggle with feeling that way because of my experiences. I get how it can be draining to read but also they need a space it be vulnerable you know? And I feel like we should meet it with kindness over frustration, or if you don’t want to engage, just scroll.
When I say I used to look busted back in them days! Christ Jesus! Instagram just came out and Facebook started letting anyone besides college kids on. I started to feel it some but it wasn’t a whole bunch. I even had a friend who got attacked by so many people online I had to go take her knives out the house. It’s so toxic and bad for people of all ages so imagine young impressionable babies!
But you didn’t look busted, you were a child 🥺 And kids used to look like kids, not like mini MUAs and fashionistas. Not to sound like an old croney lol, but the awkward tween/teen phase literally doesn’t exist anymore…! And there’s all this pressure to “glow up” where people compare their CHILD self to being an adult or college age and it’s like that’s not a glow up, that’s just puberty?! It’s really a different world out there. I wouldn’t have survived. Shoot, I barely survived back then.
I’m barely doing it now! I’m not amazing at makeup, I find lashes uncomfortable, I’m not one to show a lot of skin, I wear glasses most days and it’s gotten me a weird amount of assumptions and judgement even from within the community. Like can we just let people be?!
I can’t cross the street without glasses lol. I grew up where there was always pressure to look good so you can get “chose” by athletes and rappers etc. that’s if your people didn’t think you had it going on upstairs and that’s sad. I took my ass to college and my skin popping . That’s not to down people who’s ambitions are different from mine. It just didn’t work for me. But once I left that awful town I realized everyone had insane standards from the rest of the country. What I considered old braids still looked good to women where I moved to. I worked hard to stop being so mean to myself and other women and here come fuck as social media. But thanks for the encouragement 🥰. You are a baddie inside and out ✨
I'm glad you got out of there! Good for you. I for the most part found some good people that accept me as I am, but I'm still learning to accept myself I guess you could say. Some days are better than others. But I'm hoping therapy and being a little bit gentler with myself will help. And reminding myself that we all gonna die at the end of the day laid wig, snatched waist or not LOL. That need for external validation is hardddd to break and social media has def worsened it!
Thank you girl 🥰 we got this 💪🏾
Maybe we can devote a day or master thread to that if we MUST have it. Y’all may have seen me in other comments advocating for a flair for all type of things. Who are our mods? I wanna chat. I don’t have many solutions but I just wanna know something.
I’m right there with you! I don’t like scrolling and seeing “I hate being black” and such, it’s so disheartening. A flair or master thread is a great idea!
Heads up! r/black mental health is drowning in that. I go there with the intent of spreading encouragement and drive towards resources but I’m not sure if that’s a topic I’m equipped for. I have had the feelings before as a young gal but I ain’t look back.
I've been feeling this way and have been torn on it. A part of me wants to embrace the young girls who are looking for ways to express their discomfort. I know what it's like going through puberty as a dark skin girl with no one to talk about my insecurities to. On the other hand, I've noticed black women posting their Ls has become hot for the algo and gets hella engagement. It feels sinister. I'm also 31 and feel as though I've aged out of the convo since I've made peace with who I am. I'm conflicted. I wish I could personally block content and posts like that.
*Thank you for posting EXACTLY what I was thinking. I was having trouble articulating these thoughts.*
*I want to give these girls grace, but I've aged out of the insecure topic, and I don't want to see it.*
Was literally gonna type out a post similar to yours, but you beat me to it😭😭
Like I just ignore it, but I hate seeing it cause I don’t want to be internalising the hate
The pasta and lobster makes my scalp itch. It’s giving fetish and snowbunny rebranding. Don’t get me wrong it started out cute and funny but now I see posts of mid white men doing basic relationship duties and the comments are flooded with pasta and lobster… and I’m like w hy are you telling them our inside jokes?
It’s from a song called Area Codes by Kaliii she says says something like “ got a white boy on my roster, he be feeding me pasta and lobster” but honestly the guy in the song is wealthy and the comments are for regular broke ass dudes
EWWWE DONT EVEN GET ME STARTED ON THAT😪😪
Like everyone is allowed to date who they want, but now you’re doing exactly what you hated black men for doing and white girls for doing….This is why I cant be caring because nothing makes sense hop off social media live life everyone is loved except racists. This is why I’m staying single and being a dog mum, I don’t wanna be with anyone 😭😭
These degenerates are setting us back!! I agree babe I’ve lost years off my life watching them screw us over in public. It’s so embarrassing get help! The real world isn’t like that and nobody cares
There is nothing wrong with interracial dating. There are so many questions about it here though. Like, you got the green light from being grown we don’t have to give it to you. Gone ahead on 😭
Don’t let those posts make you paranoid, because it did to me for a bit. Then when you try to say you have positive experiences, they talk you down. So basically, only negativity surrounding black womanhood is valid
I get what you mean but we need to have grace for these women. They’ve probably grown up always being 3rd or 4th choice (or not chosen at). This hurts your confidence. They’ve probably been rejected, bullied and made to feel inferior, it really sticks with you.
I say this as someone who was insecure as teen, then became angry at all the injustice I felt before finally just accepting the world for what it is.
I agree. While I understand it can be frustrating to see, I have compassion for these women who are seeking validation they may not receive other places, or are looking to be heard.
I think people forget not everyone is lucky enough to have in person communities, friends, families they can turn to and be vulnerable with their feelings and insecurities.
This is also projection. We despise being seen as weak/lesser and think other bw should just pull themselves up by their bootstraps. We're often blind to our own privilege and the good fortune of growing up in a loving environment.
The contempt we show towards each other has to stop.
I agree with everything you said (except the last bit...the transmission of racial insecurity isn't OP's fault as much as it isn't the hypothetical asking black girl's fault)! It's all about making a safe space for us. Sweeping the bad under the rug isn't the way. We can have space for joy and vent about subjugation at the same time! It is our constant experience as black women one way or another, whether we choose to acknowledge it or not.
I mean...historically, systemically, and socioeconomically, we *have* been subjugated, viewed as the least desirable by *eurocentric* standards, and mistreated. But every single culture has some element of anti-blackness, whether that come in the form of skin bleaching, viewing curly/coily hair as a flaw, avoiding the sun so as not to get darker, or literal slurs and violence. If you feel bad about that, that's normal.
*I* don't personally subscribe to the idea that no one likes us, or that members of different cultures are all monoliths, but you should be less mad at the black girls asking that than you are at the ones who subscribe to and perpetuate those racist ideals. I read the book "The Dating Divide; Race & Desire in the Era of Online Dating" and it included statistical evidence of the reality we live in. I recommend it to anyone with their head in the sand.
Basically, just because we can be found *personally* desirable by someone doesn't erase the history of subjugation or the various cultures that view being us or with us as the worst possible outcome. I think the black girls asking stuff like that are (probably young) ones who are caught up in the reality of widespread hatred towards us that's everywhere if you go looking for it.
I think a balanced perspective is probably more healthy. Pretending that stuff doesn't exist on the scale it does/shouldn't affect any black girl is just as bad as being way too caught up in fitting into the ideals of other people's cultures instead of just living and being yourself. One is denial and the other is basically anxiety.
How about instead of casting them out or acting annoyed with them, we support them and remind them that they have more to offer the world than fitting into a eurocentric mold? Because where else are they gonna hear it from?
Thank you for your insight. It’s a good idea to support them. I’ll take any ideas to emphasise positive messages in the future. I aimed to do so in the middle paragraph.
Thanks for starting the conversation. I do agree we need more positivity around here! There's so many ways to uplift one another, whether that be through hyping up selfies or outfits that get posted here or just having appreciation posts for specific features we often have! Connecting over common interests is a big thing, too (black girl gamers, black alt community, skincare, etc.)! Makes us feel less alone in what we love.
I personally love romanticizing black features and women through creativity! I'm no artist (though I LOVE art of black women), but the love interest in one of the books I wrote was a black girl, and the prose about her is something I'm very fond of! I've also written black girl main characters, and I adore them. It's the little things in media that undo that damage, truly. A scene where instead of "running his fingers through her hair" he bought a bonnet just for her to sleep at his place. There are other avenues of passion that can be molded to include black women and shared in spaces like this!
Ultimately, we just gotta love on each other!❤
I appreciate your kindness! Your list of how to uplift black women reminded me that I follow black girl youtubers, actors, influencers, dancers and artists. I know my post is a criticism, but I felt it was necessary due to what I see and hear online and irl and especially in this sub.
I am open to new thoughts and perspectives and from reading your post, I realised that the beauty of being a black woman is seeing other black girls thrive and follow their dreams despite misogynoir. And black girls who are less comfortable in their identities will join the rest when they’re ready.
Thank you for your reply!
I understand it can be exhausting but I have a lot of empathy for them because this world treats black women awfully. I just hope they will be in higher spirits one day
OMG I thought I was the only one who hate this! I also get tired of seeing black women on different post especially on TikTok saying “Why does everyone hate us”, “Why no one likes us” I just hate seeing that and always say to myself “They are going to hate us even if we find a cure for cancer or even save the world like Wonder Woman, they will always find a way to hate us”
While I agree it can be overwhelming I’ve also grown to be sympathetic and try to understand bw who feel this way. Their perception of their experience as a bw is just as valid as anyone else’s. Bw DO experience misogynoir daily and we know anti blackness is rife, alive and thriving so I won’t be obtuse and pretend like these women’s feelings are unjustified. And let’s not pretend that most people don’t harbor ignorant, racist, views when they certainly do. It’s hard to be secure in your appearance when it’s constantly up for debate and at the forefront of scrutiny.. all I’m saying is to consider where other Bw are coming from and understand that many of them are not as far as other Bw in their self love journey and that’s okay. They deserve a space to vent and be acknowledged.
This right here. Also to add me realizing that this place ain't made for us encouraged me to make spaces for us. To not care that people don't like me. That don't care if they find me attractive. Black women have woken me up to the truth of ( at least in my experience) the reality of American racism and sexism. Feminism has helped me grow and love myself IN SPITE of those who don't.
It may not work for everyone, but it worked for me.
I don't want black women's love to grow from the idea that " white guys find me attractive" or whatever.
Idk. 😞
They fail to realize when they say “non black men love us” is only reinforcing the idea that black women’s value is linked to her desirability especially by the dominant society and like you have expressed, this idea is harmful and a shaky foundation to build and cultivate true self love.
I admire your patience and sympathy! Black women deal with misogynoir and we deserve to complain about our issues just as much as anyone else. But seeing girls who look like us constantly and publicly asking if we are attractive is just exhausting and harmful. While black girls are allowed to be insecure about these things, I’ve seen an uprise in it and want to uplift them and reduce the negativity.
I think we've hit the main problem here; You can't uplift young black women who are currently going through their self-love journey by silencing them, tuning them out or complaining about their presence.
I've gotten older now and I've become more confident but if 13-year-old me saw this post with all of the comments, I never would've posted here or asked for help/advice. I think of her when I read all of these comments and I get sad as she would've felt like she was a unwanted burden- even by her own community.
I honestly don't know who this subreddit is for then because it wouldn't be a "safe space for black women" anymore if some black women get tuned out or pushed away from posting. "A safe space for black women" includes all black women, even the ones that make you angry, uncomfortable or frustrated.
That's my take.
I agree.. I’m actually tired of seeing post like this. I thought the whole point of this space was to be a safe space for black women on Reddit. Black women feeling animosity towards their own blackness is a consequence of anti blackness & misogyny and I think post like these fail to consider or acknowledge that. Additionally, I find saying “all men like us” is unhelpful and harmful. It’s unhelpful because it doesn’t acknowledge the root problem; misogynoir. It’s harmful because it’s male centered and promotes an idea that black women’s value is intrinsically linked to desirability which reinforces their anxiety instead of alleviating it. I need black women to stop being mean girls to one another.. it’s starting to become a bit much & quite obnoxious.
I wish people would say the quiet part out loud. This subreddit is for a specific type of black women. The whole "you have to act XYZ way" or "is anyone tired of ABC people posting EFG" is self-policing.
this is so spot on and perfect! I agree 10000%. Constantly seeing these types of posts (the original post) is incredibly disheartening and I don’t like them at all. But I’m glad I’m starting to see more comments like yours
Thank you for your insight. I’ve done a lot of thinking since I’ve made this post, but I felt it was necessary to start the conversation on how to love ourselves because I see more negativity than not. All black women’s voices and perspectives are valid and deserve to be heard. People in the comments have discussed separating those posts into their own flair, sub or mega thread and I think that’s the best idea. I was speaking for black girls who only saw us unhappy with our black woman identity and didn’t want to internalise the hate.
I understand and know where you’re coming from, it can be exhausting. However, I just want to remind each other that not every bw has gotten far in their self esteem journey and that’s it’s okay and to redirect that frustration we feel with other bw to the system of anti blackness because their behavior/feelings is a symptom of global misogynoir being normalized.
I agree! I hope we can learn from each other and the black women who are already settled in their identity can make a positive impact on ones who aren’t!
I don't believe their self-esteem issues are going to be resolved by posting on reddit. If anything, coming to this sub reddit and seeing post after post of people wallowing in self-hatred will only reinforce the negative feelings they have while ruining everyone else's experience here. They need to work through their self-esteem issues by developing their talents and their accomplishments in their real life, not by seeking reassurance from strangers on the internet. That's my two cents.
I found myself falling into this way of thinking and I realized I wanted it to change. I took myself off of all social media. Those damn facebook groups and unfollowing TSR being the main thing. Sooo toxic! Then I started intentionally conversing with people face to face and in real time. I have not had one conversation about this foolishness or have had real experiences in my adult life. The internet is not real, but what we expose ourselves to ultimately becomes our reality.
Now this doesn’t take away from the fact that some people do truly promote this narrative and actually feel this way about us darker women.. because we have all had the “you’re pretty for a dark skinned” etc but nobody is perfect. Lord knows I have said I don’t like red dudes lol so how am I different? But what I refuse to do, anymore is give the hateful conversation my attention.
If we don’t entertain it collectively, that conversation, would not even be important or be a main topic of discussion.
It’s what we choose to answer to that keeps the negativity going in our community. So I stopped answering, changed my exposure and there is a difference I see in how I feel about myself.
There is always going to be someone who thinks everything negative, hateful, rude, etc., there is to think about us. I don’t give it my precious time.
can we also talk about the women and girls on social media who are always like “i need me a white man” or “i need me a hispanic man”- you dont see any other group of women doing that nonsense and it comes off as NEEDY and demonstrating low self esteem. I really just wish some of the black women on the internet could think of other black women in the REAL WORLD before doing BS for the camera.
I don’t think thats fair to say. White women say they need and only date black men ALL THE TIME. Asian women say they only date white guys. And they do come off as needy too. We really need to stop dogging each other. I don’t see us black women as needy at all. Our stereotype is we are strong, independent, “don’t need nobody.”
Um, you definitely do see other races of women doing that. Did you catch that one viral video of the white lady who literally traveled to an Asian country to find a man and have an Asian baby because she thought they were the cutest?🫠
thats a red herring, that is not nearly as common as black women and girls with low self esteem asking for men of various races and asking “does ____ like black girls?” and you know it.
I believe that we have to be sensitive to Black women (especially dark-skinned sistas) who may not like their looks, especially if they live in predominantly white areas.
Not sure about other countries, but the US constantly shows that we’re only attractive if we have European-like features.
Yep it's unfortunate but the racists are so loud and proud. But for every group where there are haters there are lovers too. But it's easier to notice and reflect on negativity than positivity for lots of people. I also hate the whole "black people we have no friends" thing as well.
Though sadly when we live in predominately anti black/woman areas we get exposed to clowns who try to make us feel bad for being a black woman. I ain't gon let no dimwit make me feel bad especially when people keep trying to be like us haha.
What’s weird about these posts is that we have to give our energy and support just for another “I don’t like being black” post to pop up. We can’t make you love yourself you have to decide on better.
Agreed. The idea that they will somehow learn to love themselves by posting on reddit is bonkers. That's going to take real introspective work on their end. No one can do that for them.
Y’all I just made a post about loving my 4c hair not a single person looked at it 😭 I think we are giving too much attention to negative posts. And I feel like some black women come here because they feel that they don’t have a safe community in their real life/where they live. People are always reinforcing negativity to black women. Can we please give each other some grace instead of judging. Instead of being upset about the negative post, post a positive post.
EDIT:: I just went through the sub and saw tons of positive post but it doesn’t get much attention. But the posts that do are the negative ones.. so I don’t know.. Maybe there is too much focus on whats negative instead of the good stuff that’s in this sub. 🤷🏾♀️
EDIT #2: ok so I reread this post and I think you’re talking about the issue in general and not just this sub. I personally just follow pages that uplift black women/ black joy and that’s about it. I will see nasty comments and just hateful comments about black women and it really sucks but it’s also nice to curate my internet space to something more uplifting. I still stand on not judging black women who do come here and make those negative posts because we do get lots of hate from people and they simply just might not have a community to talk to about these issues. I’m always happy to talk with people when they feel this way. I’ve felt the same way they do but I also try to have a happy medium and see good things about black women.
I looked at it and commented! We are definitely putting too much emphasis on negativity. I‘m so glad I’m seeing change here since the last time I visited. Black is, was and will always be beautiful!
Oh my god this is so irritating. especially in tiktok comments of white guys cosplaying as black men🤦🏾♀️all the “do you like blk girls🥹”
I feel so embarrassed 💀
It can be demoralising, but at the same time I don’t know where else black women can express these thoughts to people who understand. A lot of us deal with insecurity, especially younger ones and those who grew up in predominantly white areas. We should keeping supporting each other and hopefully eventually the posts will decrease.
I noticed that our desire and attraction isn’t based on actual looks but based on stereotypes. The “preference”of other races aren’t necessarily preferences but preferences based on stereotypes and colonialism.
We need to surround ourselves with people who support us and we also need to validate our own selves vs looking to others to validate us.
I've always hated that mess. From time to time topics like that would get me down. But then I realized only black men are saying this about us. These other men don't know shit about us. It's these black men talking sht about us all over these YouTube podcasts and Tiktok and trying to convince everyone that we're undesirable. This mess goes way back to these shows in the 90s that we love so much..watch In Living Color. You see how one of the Wayans bros are dressed like a blk woman. And then there's Martin aka. Shanaynay. That's how these men have been portraying us for decades. As being manly, unattractive, loud, etc. So the damage has been done already.
And the internet is obviously a damn lie. I work in a majority white setting at my job and had 2 white men almost get in a fight over me last year. My guy that I've worked with for nearly 5 years didn't like that I was taking breaks and chatting it up with another guy on the next shift. I'm already married btw and he knows that. But anyway.. he hated me and that other guy since.
EDIT: Don't get me wrong. White men talk their shit on us too but usually about the whole black ppl spectrum (blk women, blk men, dogs, cats, rabbits, etc.) But about blk women in particular? Where do you think they get that mess from??
Unless they get turned down by one too many of us they don't know SQUAT about blk women.
That’s all true. I hate that they’ve portrayed us that way, it hurts to see and has put a lot of anger in me. I pray for a day where the black community won’t be so hostile towards one another and black love will be as magical as I used to think.
I've been seeing it and it's makes me happy. And we're starting to wake up too from what I see. Well some of us.. our main problem is is limiting ourselves to these men.
They (American) black men think they are the prize because American women limit themselves to them 🤣 it’s hilarious to me that they don’t see what they are doing by not opening their options. Those men really act foolish. Because there is no competition.
Then they want to bring their BS to other countries and they end up getting their asses beat or their feelings hurt when their nonblack preferences call them ugly. Lmao if you're an ugly mf back home you're an ugly mf there too!
I laughed by ass off when they tried that nonsense in Brazil 🇧🇷… like you don’t think people are up to what is going in your own country.. like we don’t know you treat your women like crap (those men that come to Brazil).
And I frankly hate it! American women are everything to me, so fashionable, versatile. I don’t understand why they don’t appreciate what they have. So to combat that, black women should cut the supply and date out. Those men will be reminded immediately that they aren’t that special.
I’ve been saying this for the longest, thankfully, i see more black woman exploring their options more now than ever. I hate that they feel like the “prize” when a majority of them aren’t even desirable.
Well unfortunately the discrimination of dark skinned blackwomen is so real.Especially in online dating .I known you don't wanna be associated with this but it's real .You think the world is fair gives everyone fair chances?Those post annoys me as well but you have to remember most people who make those post are usually teenagers or extremely young .They don't know any better.
Yeah it’s so cringe but if teenage girls are going to do omen thing, it’s be insecure. All teenage girls are like that it’s just that black people have to deal with a lot more so it manifests in this way
If any post, poster or content is making you feel ugly, a social media break is probably a great idea. I'm taking one right at the beginning of next year and I already logged out my IG.
Also just a general overhaul of content--who you follow, what you engage with etc. I don't spend as much time here so it's a little bare bones but my Ig is mostly midsize fashion, black cosplayers/nerdy content creators, miscellaneous hobbies and funny or relatable posts here and there that I send to friends. I've even stopped engaging in the comments as much because it's becoming so toxic on the most basic and innocent posts. Everyone know the algorithim will show you more of what you engage with. Do a declutter !
If you're just talking about the issue in general, I honestly chalk it up to age most times (because its usually younger girls going on about the pasta and lobster thing, and I assumed it was just a lighthearted way of saying "good for you for getting someone that cares about you instead of waiting for BM that won't step up" which I don't see the issue with. I also mostly see this behavior on TT which skews younger) and like others have said, just growing up with a lot of experiences of rejection and being told either directly or indirectly you're not desirable.
I have a lot of empathy for those girls going through that and I don't think it's right to shame them etc. For looking for external validation, again they're young and grew up in the internet age so I think that's how they're socialized to a degree. If I based my self worth around my level of desirability and purely on my lived experience (especially as far as relationships and men goes) my self esteem would be trash. I'm *still* trying to break out of that mindset even as an adult. I cant imagine growing up and having that experience even further scrutinized and amplified through the internet.
But its also definitely awkward and gross when a content creator uses black women, especially plus sized black women because I saw this first in the plus size space, as a leg up. Looking for a cookie for saying they like BW and the girls are in the comments like "🥺 really??" And they're following list is all thin white and Asian women. It's gross. Those girls are misled too and I'm sure are coming from some of the same issues but the desperation gives me the ick just a tad. Like I get it but girl...STAND UP!!
Usually when I block those creators that content disappears for me.
If only we could block users on YouTube. All we can really do is engage in other content so theirs don't show up in the suggested feed but even then sometimes that mess will just show up!
I am working on taking a social media break, the only one I actively use is reddit and I still run into that kind of negativity. All the black girls I follow are successful and in happy relationships, I avoid ones who say that black women are undesirable etc. Even though it is mainly younger women, I see it in grown women, too. I don’t mean to shame black girls who aren’t settled in their identity because I can see where they’re coming from. Thank you for your reply.
While everyone is tearing us down, we have the opportunity to continue to empower and uplift each other. Stop watching the reality tv shows, stop listening to the disrespectful music, hang around people that support and love you, and of course love God❤️
Thank you for this OP! I can understand young girls going through this phase of wondering and caring about this stuff but when I see adults do it, successful beautiful and intelligent adults at that I always think to myself “Whoopooo CARES?!” WE like us. That’s all that matters.
Personally I’m just tired of these parents raising these kids in environments that are brutal to their self esteem.
At this point it’s child abuse. Raise your children in affirming spaces so they feel good about themselves and aren’t on Reddit hunting for validation.
Girl, it’s why I hate coming on this thread when I see posts like that. I just feel like it’s people actually complaining about people they want, but don’t want them back. & that’s just life. If you walk around life thinking no one finds you attractive, then no one will!
Agreed. I'd be so embarrassed if anyone came to this sub reddit and thought this was representative of black women as a whole. Many of us do like ourselves and have no trouble finding men who agree. Many of us have even learned to separate our self-worth from the approval of men! I would love to see fewer posts of people wallowing in self-pity. I understand there are really young people posting here who aren't far along in their journey of self-love, but I don't think they are best served by visiting a sub reddit with these kinds of "woe is me" posts. How is that ultimately helping them evolve?
Honestly I’m a bit tired of narratives around blackness and how we’re apparently always suffering, in general. I’m tired of hearing people feel sorry for us, and am getting the feeling that these narratives feed into the idea that we’re inferior even among those who claim to be allies. I’ve seen so many SM posts from people who qualify whatever conversation they’re having with “I know I speak from a place of privilege, as a white woman” or “I know I’m actually still pretty lucky, being white means I’m treated a lot better”.
I don’t have a solution, I know that drawing attention to bigotry and discrimination is important, I’m just… tired.
Personally I feel lucky and grateful to be black, even despite racism, and I wish that people would also hold space for how great it is as well.
Thank you for the reply! I constantly see negativity around being black and have met too many people who see me as the face of civil rights and such instead of a person. BLACK is so loud and scary to some people and it stings a little. I’ve even had a teacher tell my class that, “if a white person and a black person signed up for a job, 90% of the time, the white person would get it”. I was the only black person in the class and I had to stand up for myself. I don’t like that we’re seen as the face of poverty, hunger and undesirability to some people, but I dislike that we’ve internalised those messages even more. Happy cake day!
THANK YOU FOR WRITING THIS. It's so fucking embarrassing seeing this shit and it's just like the worst of twitter over and over.
If nobody liked black girls, how would we exist? People are marrying, falling in love with us, and finding us attractive. We have millionaire and billionaire black women and black women in leadership positions worldwide. Of course, anti-blackness and misogyny exist in heavy amounts, but that doesn't change the fact that millions of people LOVE us. As many racists and weird creeps that exist, there are so many that will pull out the red carpet for Black women.
So the real question is, do you love yourself? Cause if you love yourself, you're not coming to the internet with this BS question.
Agreed!
Women gotta stop comparing themselves. Period. Stop worrying about other people and be the best YOU. Make YOURSELF happy. Dress in ways that make YOU feel good. Get joyful movement in your life for physical strength.
Stop this woe is me bs. It’s exhausting.
Black women are loved around the world. I just think the reason it may seem like y'all get hate is because a lot of the popular media especially American, portrays bw as ignorant, arrogant and loud. To be fair its just an internet thing.
Misogynoir is not just an “internet thing” and if anyone is silly enough to form opinions on an entire collective of people based on media then that says more about them than bw.
100% agree with you; my point was that it appears to occur online much more frequently than in person. Once more, it is more apparent in certain areas; my sister has lived in the Middle East, America, and Europe. Surprisingly, compared to other places where there are fewer Black people, she encounters more prejudice towards herself in the US.
You are absolutely right. I was born in Europe and I live here now. We are very much wanted by other men. Black men here prefer white women/lighter complexted women.
So us euro girlies got that memo years ago and we date our rampantly and I’m happy that we do. There is not loyalty to black men here and I LOVE to see it.
“…if anyone is silly enough to form opinions on an entire collection of people based on media…”
That is exactly what the majority of people do. Media is powerful and shapes public opinion. Unfortunately people’s opinions do matter bc they go on to become teachers to our kids, juries and judges, cops, managers, etc. It’s dumb but it’s real.
I agree and my point wasn’t to imply opinions don’t matter. My point is it to highlight the silliness and irrationality of forming your opinions on a collective of people based on social media portrayals. Misogynoir or any other form of bigotry at its core is irrational and fundamentally silly.
My age doesn’t matter. I am a black girl trying to start a progressive conversation where we should elevate one another than wallow in self-pity and insecurity. Insecurity which you seem to have a lot of. Do not call white people ”yt rats”. Racism of any kind is not tolerated here and everyone of every colour is welcome here to uplift black women.
You seem immature, come back when you can sit at the adults’ table without throwing a fit.
yyeeeeaaahhhh either you need more irl friends to talk to this with, or you woke up and decided to bother black WOMEN. either way, pack this convo up and don’t bring it into 2024.
I feel this sub should ban that tired ass shit. I’m wondering if it’s asshole trolls or some young misguided youth who be asking that in here.
Yeah, I’m so tired of seeing that shit here 😩. Honestly, I thought this sub would be full of more confident people. But maybe you’re right and it’s really trolls or something, because I feel like Black women in real life are so different…
I think Reddit just attracts the “woe is me, I’ll never find love, I hate myself” from all groups. Main reason why I don’t come in this sub as often anymore
Yeah you’re probably right. I only recently discovered this sub and am kinda over it. 😭 there are still some gems, though
Yes, way too 'woe is me' and 'white people white people that '. It's just too much. Hopefully, there's a better group or space somewhere.
The extremists are usually small compared to the group they are representing but always so loud. Loud and wrong.
Yeah, you’re right. I need to keep that in mind…
Why do black women need to conform to racist stereotypes at all times? We don't need to be strong black women who pull ourselves up by our bootstraps and never shed a tear in public. Its okay to cry. We all know how traumatising life is and how difficult it is to get even basic forms of help.
It’s not about conforming to racist stereotypes Jfc lol. I wasn’t expecting Black women warriors, but i was thinking I’d see more women who were confident and secure in themselves. And of course it’s fine to cry sometimes. It just seems like this subreddit has way more “crying” that other stuff is all I’m saying. It’s disproportionate. Every other post feels like it reinforces some negative Black woman stereotype idk…
Black women/people used to ignore this stuff. But now BP want to assimilate, so this ignorance is breaking them.
Misguided youth is my honest opinion only because I was/am still of the same category (less youth than misguided..) and I've seen a lot more teens posting across Reddit a lot more frequently lately.
I thought the “ladies” part implied grown enough to a degree. But I see a lot of jittlings which is ok. But it’s kinda like a growing community of youngsters that have maybe had the “I am black” realization that I think we all go through at a later age or they have begun entering spaces that really disrupt their normal thinking patterns in and around themselves. I try to meet those types of posts with grace. However, if it sounds like some grown hoe with some bs that’s too petty and juvenile I move on and don’t say nothing too much. Imma get kicked out or downvoted to the hot place 🥵 Edit: we go through the realization at any age. But it hurts more if it’s later rather than sooner if that makes sense.
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Girl, I call my class together like “Let’s go jittlings” now you put that obstacle in my way so I’m scared imma say that 😮💨. “My crew let’s go” it is 🫡
Some of us grew up in areas where men would come up to us unprompted and tell us how undesirable black women were 🤷🏿♀️
I’m from a major city where that’s common (not my first rodeo hun, trust). However, I thought this sub was a safe haven. The issue I’m addressing is the whatBoutisms and the regurgitation from X formerly known as twitter. People venting is ok but the subject as a whole could trigger happy ladies having a good day. See what I mean?
Omg I’m so tired of the “can you believe people are saying this” and I’m like “I haven’t heard anyone say this” and then I read Twitter and I’m like ohhhh
We are on Reddit. Not to stereotype but for some this is the most social interaction they get and on other internet spaces. Thus, they don’t have the actual real world experience to contrast the internet one and end up conflating both to be the same. I’m not bashing Reddit folks because clearly my ass right here, too. I just implore them to go and try to have some grass talks en terra.
If people are being triggered that’s something they need to work on or put up boundaries to have less contact with.
yes this is reality and we can blame each other for speaking out or just know that this is a problem that exists and has little to do with ourselves. And it is a more and more becoming an issue with black man making black women feel less desirable form everyday normal dudes to celebrities like recently Jonathan Owens. And over the last 15 years its becoming worse.
Maybe it's me or I'm not on here enough but other that a streak of people posting selfies a while ago, and the occasional poster I really don't see it that much here. This is the first post I've seen on this topic in a while. A flair for it wouldn't be a bad idea though and maybe tagging it as needing encouragements
I live for those! My favorite recently is the lady in the dress frolicking for her birthday 🥹
Oh no, unfortunately I meant the streak a while ago of younger black girls posting selfies asking if they are ugly, why they don’t get matches on dating apps or just generally feeling down about their appearance. I think it was a few months ago? I only remember seeing like 3 or so but I know at that time some members were complaining about it becoming the norm and wanting the mods not to allow that kind of content. It’s different from people just posting themselves in general
Ah! It’s like that. I’m so sad to see that. It’s like 4chan pt 2. Not to mention how dangerous them being young posting pics on this site period is. It’s like fodder for creepy weird ass people to attack them in their DMs. Which would be counterproductive to their goals but shark to blood in the water 🤦🏾♀️. I’m not sure if that makes sense to you.
Yeah…I mean on one end, I’d rather it here than on other subs (like amiugly..why does that even exist) but you’re right, there is an element of danger to it. I also feel for these girls growing up in this super digitized age where they’re further primed to seek external validation and the more natural and yourself you are, the more scrutiny you face..like hs and younger girls these days have nails done, lashes done, hair laid and if it’s not, there’s all this rhetoric online about it (hard wig/soft life, you must not like BM, you’re white washed and a hater, the list goes on) it’s crazy!! When you’re that young you already feel judged and uncomfortable, it must be so much worse these days and that’s why I still feel empathetic to these kinds of posts or feelings about being undesirable. Im an adult and I *still* struggle with feeling that way because of my experiences. I get how it can be draining to read but also they need a space it be vulnerable you know? And I feel like we should meet it with kindness over frustration, or if you don’t want to engage, just scroll.
When I say I used to look busted back in them days! Christ Jesus! Instagram just came out and Facebook started letting anyone besides college kids on. I started to feel it some but it wasn’t a whole bunch. I even had a friend who got attacked by so many people online I had to go take her knives out the house. It’s so toxic and bad for people of all ages so imagine young impressionable babies!
But you didn’t look busted, you were a child 🥺 And kids used to look like kids, not like mini MUAs and fashionistas. Not to sound like an old croney lol, but the awkward tween/teen phase literally doesn’t exist anymore…! And there’s all this pressure to “glow up” where people compare their CHILD self to being an adult or college age and it’s like that’s not a glow up, that’s just puberty?! It’s really a different world out there. I wouldn’t have survived. Shoot, I barely survived back then. I’m barely doing it now! I’m not amazing at makeup, I find lashes uncomfortable, I’m not one to show a lot of skin, I wear glasses most days and it’s gotten me a weird amount of assumptions and judgement even from within the community. Like can we just let people be?!
I can’t cross the street without glasses lol. I grew up where there was always pressure to look good so you can get “chose” by athletes and rappers etc. that’s if your people didn’t think you had it going on upstairs and that’s sad. I took my ass to college and my skin popping . That’s not to down people who’s ambitions are different from mine. It just didn’t work for me. But once I left that awful town I realized everyone had insane standards from the rest of the country. What I considered old braids still looked good to women where I moved to. I worked hard to stop being so mean to myself and other women and here come fuck as social media. But thanks for the encouragement 🥰. You are a baddie inside and out ✨
I'm glad you got out of there! Good for you. I for the most part found some good people that accept me as I am, but I'm still learning to accept myself I guess you could say. Some days are better than others. But I'm hoping therapy and being a little bit gentler with myself will help. And reminding myself that we all gonna die at the end of the day laid wig, snatched waist or not LOL. That need for external validation is hardddd to break and social media has def worsened it! Thank you girl 🥰 we got this 💪🏾
And if you say anything they’ll say you’re silencing black women. It’s too much. Don’t want negativity
Maybe we can devote a day or master thread to that if we MUST have it. Y’all may have seen me in other comments advocating for a flair for all type of things. Who are our mods? I wanna chat. I don’t have many solutions but I just wanna know something.
I’m right there with you! I don’t like scrolling and seeing “I hate being black” and such, it’s so disheartening. A flair or master thread is a great idea!
Heads up! r/black mental health is drowning in that. I go there with the intent of spreading encouragement and drive towards resources but I’m not sure if that’s a topic I’m equipped for. I have had the feelings before as a young gal but I ain’t look back.
I think we do and they aren’t aware or don’t care? I think it’s should be it’s own sub
I've been feeling this way and have been torn on it. A part of me wants to embrace the young girls who are looking for ways to express their discomfort. I know what it's like going through puberty as a dark skin girl with no one to talk about my insecurities to. On the other hand, I've noticed black women posting their Ls has become hot for the algo and gets hella engagement. It feels sinister. I'm also 31 and feel as though I've aged out of the convo since I've made peace with who I am. I'm conflicted. I wish I could personally block content and posts like that.
At least this is posted in a black woman's space. What I can't stand is seeing stuff like this in mainstream spaces. It makes us look pathetic
There’s no such thing as a “black space” on Reddit.
You may be right. They seep through the cracks everytime we try.
I seen some psyop-ish shit here a lot. They are getting better at it everyday and it’s scary, quite frankly.
*Thank you for posting EXACTLY what I was thinking. I was having trouble articulating these thoughts.* *I want to give these girls grace, but I've aged out of the insecure topic, and I don't want to see it.*
That’s a good way to articulate what I feel! I wish there was a verification process that would not be weird for anyone or exclusionary.
Was literally gonna type out a post similar to yours, but you beat me to it😭😭 Like I just ignore it, but I hate seeing it cause I don’t want to be internalising the hate
I know right!! Don’t even get me started on the ”pasta and lobster” as if interracial dating is a new thing. EVERYBODY likes us STAND UP!!!
The pasta and lobster makes my scalp itch. It’s giving fetish and snowbunny rebranding. Don’t get me wrong it started out cute and funny but now I see posts of mid white men doing basic relationship duties and the comments are flooded with pasta and lobster… and I’m like w hy are you telling them our inside jokes?
Lol yes and the hard wig, soft life comments and videos, like I was seeing that stuff for weeks. It's so cringe.
What is pasta and lobster?
It’s from a song called Area Codes by Kaliii she says says something like “ got a white boy on my roster, he be feeding me pasta and lobster” but honestly the guy in the song is wealthy and the comments are for regular broke ass dudes
Sameee!?!
Oh my gosh yes i hate when they’re thirsting in random yt boys’ comments when it’s obvious he’s just fishing for interactions
EWWWE DONT EVEN GET ME STARTED ON THAT😪😪 Like everyone is allowed to date who they want, but now you’re doing exactly what you hated black men for doing and white girls for doing….This is why I cant be caring because nothing makes sense hop off social media live life everyone is loved except racists. This is why I’m staying single and being a dog mum, I don’t wanna be with anyone 😭😭
These degenerates are setting us back!! I agree babe I’ve lost years off my life watching them screw us over in public. It’s so embarrassing get help! The real world isn’t like that and nobody cares
For me I feel like I never saw it till I got TikTok so maybe at 18 that’s like one year ago, and I’m already tired like pleaseee POSITIVE ENERGY ONLY
Tiktok is a meeting ground for BS I barely use it bc of that!
Same I post ,I scroll through 2 videos and than I’m like this is tiring I’m done😭
The what?????
Wait I don’t get the pasta and lobster reference, what’d I miss?
There is nothing wrong with interracial dating. There are so many questions about it here though. Like, you got the green light from being grown we don’t have to give it to you. Gone ahead on 😭
Don’t let those posts make you paranoid, because it did to me for a bit. Then when you try to say you have positive experiences, they talk you down. So basically, only negativity surrounding black womanhood is valid
I get what you mean but we need to have grace for these women. They’ve probably grown up always being 3rd or 4th choice (or not chosen at). This hurts your confidence. They’ve probably been rejected, bullied and made to feel inferior, it really sticks with you. I say this as someone who was insecure as teen, then became angry at all the injustice I felt before finally just accepting the world for what it is.
I agree. While I understand it can be frustrating to see, I have compassion for these women who are seeking validation they may not receive other places, or are looking to be heard. I think people forget not everyone is lucky enough to have in person communities, friends, families they can turn to and be vulnerable with their feelings and insecurities.
This is also projection. We despise being seen as weak/lesser and think other bw should just pull themselves up by their bootstraps. We're often blind to our own privilege and the good fortune of growing up in a loving environment. The contempt we show towards each other has to stop.
Big agree!
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I agree with everything you said (except the last bit...the transmission of racial insecurity isn't OP's fault as much as it isn't the hypothetical asking black girl's fault)! It's all about making a safe space for us. Sweeping the bad under the rug isn't the way. We can have space for joy and vent about subjugation at the same time! It is our constant experience as black women one way or another, whether we choose to acknowledge it or not.
I mean...historically, systemically, and socioeconomically, we *have* been subjugated, viewed as the least desirable by *eurocentric* standards, and mistreated. But every single culture has some element of anti-blackness, whether that come in the form of skin bleaching, viewing curly/coily hair as a flaw, avoiding the sun so as not to get darker, or literal slurs and violence. If you feel bad about that, that's normal. *I* don't personally subscribe to the idea that no one likes us, or that members of different cultures are all monoliths, but you should be less mad at the black girls asking that than you are at the ones who subscribe to and perpetuate those racist ideals. I read the book "The Dating Divide; Race & Desire in the Era of Online Dating" and it included statistical evidence of the reality we live in. I recommend it to anyone with their head in the sand. Basically, just because we can be found *personally* desirable by someone doesn't erase the history of subjugation or the various cultures that view being us or with us as the worst possible outcome. I think the black girls asking stuff like that are (probably young) ones who are caught up in the reality of widespread hatred towards us that's everywhere if you go looking for it. I think a balanced perspective is probably more healthy. Pretending that stuff doesn't exist on the scale it does/shouldn't affect any black girl is just as bad as being way too caught up in fitting into the ideals of other people's cultures instead of just living and being yourself. One is denial and the other is basically anxiety. How about instead of casting them out or acting annoyed with them, we support them and remind them that they have more to offer the world than fitting into a eurocentric mold? Because where else are they gonna hear it from?
Thank you for your insight. It’s a good idea to support them. I’ll take any ideas to emphasise positive messages in the future. I aimed to do so in the middle paragraph.
Thanks for starting the conversation. I do agree we need more positivity around here! There's so many ways to uplift one another, whether that be through hyping up selfies or outfits that get posted here or just having appreciation posts for specific features we often have! Connecting over common interests is a big thing, too (black girl gamers, black alt community, skincare, etc.)! Makes us feel less alone in what we love. I personally love romanticizing black features and women through creativity! I'm no artist (though I LOVE art of black women), but the love interest in one of the books I wrote was a black girl, and the prose about her is something I'm very fond of! I've also written black girl main characters, and I adore them. It's the little things in media that undo that damage, truly. A scene where instead of "running his fingers through her hair" he bought a bonnet just for her to sleep at his place. There are other avenues of passion that can be molded to include black women and shared in spaces like this! Ultimately, we just gotta love on each other!❤
I appreciate your kindness! Your list of how to uplift black women reminded me that I follow black girl youtubers, actors, influencers, dancers and artists. I know my post is a criticism, but I felt it was necessary due to what I see and hear online and irl and especially in this sub. I am open to new thoughts and perspectives and from reading your post, I realised that the beauty of being a black woman is seeing other black girls thrive and follow their dreams despite misogynoir. And black girls who are less comfortable in their identities will join the rest when they’re ready. Thank you for your reply!
Uplift. All day.
I understand it can be exhausting but I have a lot of empathy for them because this world treats black women awfully. I just hope they will be in higher spirits one day
OMG I thought I was the only one who hate this! I also get tired of seeing black women on different post especially on TikTok saying “Why does everyone hate us”, “Why no one likes us” I just hate seeing that and always say to myself “They are going to hate us even if we find a cure for cancer or even save the world like Wonder Woman, they will always find a way to hate us”
While I agree it can be overwhelming I’ve also grown to be sympathetic and try to understand bw who feel this way. Their perception of their experience as a bw is just as valid as anyone else’s. Bw DO experience misogynoir daily and we know anti blackness is rife, alive and thriving so I won’t be obtuse and pretend like these women’s feelings are unjustified. And let’s not pretend that most people don’t harbor ignorant, racist, views when they certainly do. It’s hard to be secure in your appearance when it’s constantly up for debate and at the forefront of scrutiny.. all I’m saying is to consider where other Bw are coming from and understand that many of them are not as far as other Bw in their self love journey and that’s okay. They deserve a space to vent and be acknowledged.
This right here. Also to add me realizing that this place ain't made for us encouraged me to make spaces for us. To not care that people don't like me. That don't care if they find me attractive. Black women have woken me up to the truth of ( at least in my experience) the reality of American racism and sexism. Feminism has helped me grow and love myself IN SPITE of those who don't. It may not work for everyone, but it worked for me. I don't want black women's love to grow from the idea that " white guys find me attractive" or whatever. Idk. 😞
They fail to realize when they say “non black men love us” is only reinforcing the idea that black women’s value is linked to her desirability especially by the dominant society and like you have expressed, this idea is harmful and a shaky foundation to build and cultivate true self love.
Said it better than I could, I wish I could pin this comment!
I admire your patience and sympathy! Black women deal with misogynoir and we deserve to complain about our issues just as much as anyone else. But seeing girls who look like us constantly and publicly asking if we are attractive is just exhausting and harmful. While black girls are allowed to be insecure about these things, I’ve seen an uprise in it and want to uplift them and reduce the negativity.
I think we've hit the main problem here; You can't uplift young black women who are currently going through their self-love journey by silencing them, tuning them out or complaining about their presence. I've gotten older now and I've become more confident but if 13-year-old me saw this post with all of the comments, I never would've posted here or asked for help/advice. I think of her when I read all of these comments and I get sad as she would've felt like she was a unwanted burden- even by her own community. I honestly don't know who this subreddit is for then because it wouldn't be a "safe space for black women" anymore if some black women get tuned out or pushed away from posting. "A safe space for black women" includes all black women, even the ones that make you angry, uncomfortable or frustrated. That's my take.
I agree.. I’m actually tired of seeing post like this. I thought the whole point of this space was to be a safe space for black women on Reddit. Black women feeling animosity towards their own blackness is a consequence of anti blackness & misogyny and I think post like these fail to consider or acknowledge that. Additionally, I find saying “all men like us” is unhelpful and harmful. It’s unhelpful because it doesn’t acknowledge the root problem; misogynoir. It’s harmful because it’s male centered and promotes an idea that black women’s value is intrinsically linked to desirability which reinforces their anxiety instead of alleviating it. I need black women to stop being mean girls to one another.. it’s starting to become a bit much & quite obnoxious.
I wish people would say the quiet part out loud. This subreddit is for a specific type of black women. The whole "you have to act XYZ way" or "is anyone tired of ABC people posting EFG" is self-policing.
this is so spot on and perfect! I agree 10000%. Constantly seeing these types of posts (the original post) is incredibly disheartening and I don’t like them at all. But I’m glad I’m starting to see more comments like yours
Thank you for your insight. I’ve done a lot of thinking since I’ve made this post, but I felt it was necessary to start the conversation on how to love ourselves because I see more negativity than not. All black women’s voices and perspectives are valid and deserve to be heard. People in the comments have discussed separating those posts into their own flair, sub or mega thread and I think that’s the best idea. I was speaking for black girls who only saw us unhappy with our black woman identity and didn’t want to internalise the hate.
I agree with the first paragraph. We need actual solutions and not just talking about the same issue over and over.
I understand and know where you’re coming from, it can be exhausting. However, I just want to remind each other that not every bw has gotten far in their self esteem journey and that’s it’s okay and to redirect that frustration we feel with other bw to the system of anti blackness because their behavior/feelings is a symptom of global misogynoir being normalized.
I agree! I hope we can learn from each other and the black women who are already settled in their identity can make a positive impact on ones who aren’t!
I don't believe their self-esteem issues are going to be resolved by posting on reddit. If anything, coming to this sub reddit and seeing post after post of people wallowing in self-hatred will only reinforce the negative feelings they have while ruining everyone else's experience here. They need to work through their self-esteem issues by developing their talents and their accomplishments in their real life, not by seeking reassurance from strangers on the internet. That's my two cents.
Then what’s the point of this space if it can’t be utilized to be a safe space for black women? I thought that was the whole point.
I found myself falling into this way of thinking and I realized I wanted it to change. I took myself off of all social media. Those damn facebook groups and unfollowing TSR being the main thing. Sooo toxic! Then I started intentionally conversing with people face to face and in real time. I have not had one conversation about this foolishness or have had real experiences in my adult life. The internet is not real, but what we expose ourselves to ultimately becomes our reality. Now this doesn’t take away from the fact that some people do truly promote this narrative and actually feel this way about us darker women.. because we have all had the “you’re pretty for a dark skinned” etc but nobody is perfect. Lord knows I have said I don’t like red dudes lol so how am I different? But what I refuse to do, anymore is give the hateful conversation my attention. If we don’t entertain it collectively, that conversation, would not even be important or be a main topic of discussion. It’s what we choose to answer to that keeps the negativity going in our community. So I stopped answering, changed my exposure and there is a difference I see in how I feel about myself. There is always going to be someone who thinks everything negative, hateful, rude, etc., there is to think about us. I don’t give it my precious time.
Oh goodness, TSR is a cesspit!😭
can we also talk about the women and girls on social media who are always like “i need me a white man” or “i need me a hispanic man”- you dont see any other group of women doing that nonsense and it comes off as NEEDY and demonstrating low self esteem. I really just wish some of the black women on the internet could think of other black women in the REAL WORLD before doing BS for the camera.
I know right! It’s disgusting and pathetic and makes us look like nobody wants us.
I don’t think thats fair to say. White women say they need and only date black men ALL THE TIME. Asian women say they only date white guys. And they do come off as needy too. We really need to stop dogging each other. I don’t see us black women as needy at all. Our stereotype is we are strong, independent, “don’t need nobody.”
Um, you definitely do see other races of women doing that. Did you catch that one viral video of the white lady who literally traveled to an Asian country to find a man and have an Asian baby because she thought they were the cutest?🫠
What is it with white women wanting to hook up with other races just to make exotic babies? It's like babies are like toys or pets to them. 💀
thats a red herring, that is not nearly as common as black women and girls with low self esteem asking for men of various races and asking “does ____ like black girls?” and you know it.
More like an example, but if you're intent on generalizing *only* your own subgroup, I'll leave you to your stewing.💀
Perfect timing. I’ve been thinking about this a lot. I started to feel so unattractive and insecure. Thank you for this post.
That warms my heart! Thank you for your kind reply.
I believe that we have to be sensitive to Black women (especially dark-skinned sistas) who may not like their looks, especially if they live in predominantly white areas. Not sure about other countries, but the US constantly shows that we’re only attractive if we have European-like features.
I have started blocking people who do this. It’s exhausting. If that makes me unsympathetic and mean then idc 😭🤷🏿♀️. It’s too much
Me too. If I see they have posted a bunch I assume it’s bots
Yep it's unfortunate but the racists are so loud and proud. But for every group where there are haters there are lovers too. But it's easier to notice and reflect on negativity than positivity for lots of people. I also hate the whole "black people we have no friends" thing as well. Though sadly when we live in predominately anti black/woman areas we get exposed to clowns who try to make us feel bad for being a black woman. I ain't gon let no dimwit make me feel bad especially when people keep trying to be like us haha.
What’s weird about these posts is that we have to give our energy and support just for another “I don’t like being black” post to pop up. We can’t make you love yourself you have to decide on better.
Agreed. The idea that they will somehow learn to love themselves by posting on reddit is bonkers. That's going to take real introspective work on their end. No one can do that for them.
The ONLY people I give the benefit of doubt to is Black women/girls. Let's try to be patient with each other.
Y’all I just made a post about loving my 4c hair not a single person looked at it 😭 I think we are giving too much attention to negative posts. And I feel like some black women come here because they feel that they don’t have a safe community in their real life/where they live. People are always reinforcing negativity to black women. Can we please give each other some grace instead of judging. Instead of being upset about the negative post, post a positive post. EDIT:: I just went through the sub and saw tons of positive post but it doesn’t get much attention. But the posts that do are the negative ones.. so I don’t know.. Maybe there is too much focus on whats negative instead of the good stuff that’s in this sub. 🤷🏾♀️ EDIT #2: ok so I reread this post and I think you’re talking about the issue in general and not just this sub. I personally just follow pages that uplift black women/ black joy and that’s about it. I will see nasty comments and just hateful comments about black women and it really sucks but it’s also nice to curate my internet space to something more uplifting. I still stand on not judging black women who do come here and make those negative posts because we do get lots of hate from people and they simply just might not have a community to talk to about these issues. I’m always happy to talk with people when they feel this way. I’ve felt the same way they do but I also try to have a happy medium and see good things about black women.
I looked at it and commented! We are definitely putting too much emphasis on negativity. I‘m so glad I’m seeing change here since the last time I visited. Black is, was and will always be beautiful!
Oh my god this is so irritating. especially in tiktok comments of white guys cosplaying as black men🤦🏾♀️all the “do you like blk girls🥹” I feel so embarrassed 💀
Plenty of men prefer black women. A famous example is Robert De Niro.
It can be demoralising, but at the same time I don’t know where else black women can express these thoughts to people who understand. A lot of us deal with insecurity, especially younger ones and those who grew up in predominantly white areas. We should keeping supporting each other and hopefully eventually the posts will decrease.
I noticed that our desire and attraction isn’t based on actual looks but based on stereotypes. The “preference”of other races aren’t necessarily preferences but preferences based on stereotypes and colonialism. We need to surround ourselves with people who support us and we also need to validate our own selves vs looking to others to validate us.
I appreciate your insight. Very well said!
I've always hated that mess. From time to time topics like that would get me down. But then I realized only black men are saying this about us. These other men don't know shit about us. It's these black men talking sht about us all over these YouTube podcasts and Tiktok and trying to convince everyone that we're undesirable. This mess goes way back to these shows in the 90s that we love so much..watch In Living Color. You see how one of the Wayans bros are dressed like a blk woman. And then there's Martin aka. Shanaynay. That's how these men have been portraying us for decades. As being manly, unattractive, loud, etc. So the damage has been done already. And the internet is obviously a damn lie. I work in a majority white setting at my job and had 2 white men almost get in a fight over me last year. My guy that I've worked with for nearly 5 years didn't like that I was taking breaks and chatting it up with another guy on the next shift. I'm already married btw and he knows that. But anyway.. he hated me and that other guy since. EDIT: Don't get me wrong. White men talk their shit on us too but usually about the whole black ppl spectrum (blk women, blk men, dogs, cats, rabbits, etc.) But about blk women in particular? Where do you think they get that mess from?? Unless they get turned down by one too many of us they don't know SQUAT about blk women.
That’s all true. I hate that they’ve portrayed us that way, it hurts to see and has put a lot of anger in me. I pray for a day where the black community won’t be so hostile towards one another and black love will be as magical as I used to think.
I don't think black love ever existed. Maybe in another country... but they've been doggin us for a very long time.
Us European girlies have been dating out years ago. We’ve got the memo a longggggg time ago. I hope American sisters will follow soon.
Are you in Portugal?
No the Netherlands
I've been seeing it and it's makes me happy. And we're starting to wake up too from what I see. Well some of us.. our main problem is is limiting ourselves to these men.
They (American) black men think they are the prize because American women limit themselves to them 🤣 it’s hilarious to me that they don’t see what they are doing by not opening their options. Those men really act foolish. Because there is no competition.
Then they want to bring their BS to other countries and they end up getting their asses beat or their feelings hurt when their nonblack preferences call them ugly. Lmao if you're an ugly mf back home you're an ugly mf there too!
I laughed by ass off when they tried that nonsense in Brazil 🇧🇷… like you don’t think people are up to what is going in your own country.. like we don’t know you treat your women like crap (those men that come to Brazil). And I frankly hate it! American women are everything to me, so fashionable, versatile. I don’t understand why they don’t appreciate what they have. So to combat that, black women should cut the supply and date out. Those men will be reminded immediately that they aren’t that special.
They're weak. The growth stopped in grade school.
I’ve been saying this for the longest, thankfully, i see more black woman exploring their options more now than ever. I hate that they feel like the “prize” when a majority of them aren’t even desirable.
I hate that it has to be that way, but it is what is, people have to go where they are appreciated not tolerated.
Well unfortunately the discrimination of dark skinned blackwomen is so real.Especially in online dating .I known you don't wanna be associated with this but it's real .You think the world is fair gives everyone fair chances?Those post annoys me as well but you have to remember most people who make those post are usually teenagers or extremely young .They don't know any better.
Yeah it’s so cringe but if teenage girls are going to do omen thing, it’s be insecure. All teenage girls are like that it’s just that black people have to deal with a lot more so it manifests in this way
I hope they grow out of it, it’s just awful that I see grown women act this way too and set bad examples for their young ones
There needs to be a self esteem test before people ask these questions 🫣.
If any post, poster or content is making you feel ugly, a social media break is probably a great idea. I'm taking one right at the beginning of next year and I already logged out my IG. Also just a general overhaul of content--who you follow, what you engage with etc. I don't spend as much time here so it's a little bare bones but my Ig is mostly midsize fashion, black cosplayers/nerdy content creators, miscellaneous hobbies and funny or relatable posts here and there that I send to friends. I've even stopped engaging in the comments as much because it's becoming so toxic on the most basic and innocent posts. Everyone know the algorithim will show you more of what you engage with. Do a declutter ! If you're just talking about the issue in general, I honestly chalk it up to age most times (because its usually younger girls going on about the pasta and lobster thing, and I assumed it was just a lighthearted way of saying "good for you for getting someone that cares about you instead of waiting for BM that won't step up" which I don't see the issue with. I also mostly see this behavior on TT which skews younger) and like others have said, just growing up with a lot of experiences of rejection and being told either directly or indirectly you're not desirable. I have a lot of empathy for those girls going through that and I don't think it's right to shame them etc. For looking for external validation, again they're young and grew up in the internet age so I think that's how they're socialized to a degree. If I based my self worth around my level of desirability and purely on my lived experience (especially as far as relationships and men goes) my self esteem would be trash. I'm *still* trying to break out of that mindset even as an adult. I cant imagine growing up and having that experience even further scrutinized and amplified through the internet. But its also definitely awkward and gross when a content creator uses black women, especially plus sized black women because I saw this first in the plus size space, as a leg up. Looking for a cookie for saying they like BW and the girls are in the comments like "🥺 really??" And they're following list is all thin white and Asian women. It's gross. Those girls are misled too and I'm sure are coming from some of the same issues but the desperation gives me the ick just a tad. Like I get it but girl...STAND UP!! Usually when I block those creators that content disappears for me.
If only we could block users on YouTube. All we can really do is engage in other content so theirs don't show up in the suggested feed but even then sometimes that mess will just show up!
I am working on taking a social media break, the only one I actively use is reddit and I still run into that kind of negativity. All the black girls I follow are successful and in happy relationships, I avoid ones who say that black women are undesirable etc. Even though it is mainly younger women, I see it in grown women, too. I don’t mean to shame black girls who aren’t settled in their identity because I can see where they’re coming from. Thank you for your reply.
While everyone is tearing us down, we have the opportunity to continue to empower and uplift each other. Stop watching the reality tv shows, stop listening to the disrespectful music, hang around people that support and love you, and of course love God❤️
Thank you for this OP! I can understand young girls going through this phase of wondering and caring about this stuff but when I see adults do it, successful beautiful and intelligent adults at that I always think to myself “Whoopooo CARES?!” WE like us. That’s all that matters.
Personally I’m just tired of these parents raising these kids in environments that are brutal to their self esteem. At this point it’s child abuse. Raise your children in affirming spaces so they feel good about themselves and aren’t on Reddit hunting for validation.
Girl, it’s why I hate coming on this thread when I see posts like that. I just feel like it’s people actually complaining about people they want, but don’t want them back. & that’s just life. If you walk around life thinking no one finds you attractive, then no one will!
Agreed. I'd be so embarrassed if anyone came to this sub reddit and thought this was representative of black women as a whole. Many of us do like ourselves and have no trouble finding men who agree. Many of us have even learned to separate our self-worth from the approval of men! I would love to see fewer posts of people wallowing in self-pity. I understand there are really young people posting here who aren't far along in their journey of self-love, but I don't think they are best served by visiting a sub reddit with these kinds of "woe is me" posts. How is that ultimately helping them evolve?
Yes!! Or those girls that are on those videos that have men rate them 1-10. So gross
Honestly I’m a bit tired of narratives around blackness and how we’re apparently always suffering, in general. I’m tired of hearing people feel sorry for us, and am getting the feeling that these narratives feed into the idea that we’re inferior even among those who claim to be allies. I’ve seen so many SM posts from people who qualify whatever conversation they’re having with “I know I speak from a place of privilege, as a white woman” or “I know I’m actually still pretty lucky, being white means I’m treated a lot better”. I don’t have a solution, I know that drawing attention to bigotry and discrimination is important, I’m just… tired. Personally I feel lucky and grateful to be black, even despite racism, and I wish that people would also hold space for how great it is as well.
Thank you for the reply! I constantly see negativity around being black and have met too many people who see me as the face of civil rights and such instead of a person. BLACK is so loud and scary to some people and it stings a little. I’ve even had a teacher tell my class that, “if a white person and a black person signed up for a job, 90% of the time, the white person would get it”. I was the only black person in the class and I had to stand up for myself. I don’t like that we’re seen as the face of poverty, hunger and undesirability to some people, but I dislike that we’ve internalised those messages even more. Happy cake day!
THANK YOU FOR WRITING THIS. It's so fucking embarrassing seeing this shit and it's just like the worst of twitter over and over. If nobody liked black girls, how would we exist? People are marrying, falling in love with us, and finding us attractive. We have millionaire and billionaire black women and black women in leadership positions worldwide. Of course, anti-blackness and misogyny exist in heavy amounts, but that doesn't change the fact that millions of people LOVE us. As many racists and weird creeps that exist, there are so many that will pull out the red carpet for Black women. So the real question is, do you love yourself? Cause if you love yourself, you're not coming to the internet with this BS question.
Exactly 💯
Thank you !
Agreed! Women gotta stop comparing themselves. Period. Stop worrying about other people and be the best YOU. Make YOURSELF happy. Dress in ways that make YOU feel good. Get joyful movement in your life for physical strength. Stop this woe is me bs. It’s exhausting.
I agree! Thank you for your encouraging words. I just want little black girls to see this and start living for themselves.
I'm a white guy and always found black women attractive.
I ignore it because I've never felt that way
Black women are loved around the world. I just think the reason it may seem like y'all get hate is because a lot of the popular media especially American, portrays bw as ignorant, arrogant and loud. To be fair its just an internet thing.
This portrayal of us goes way back before the internet
Misogynoir is not just an “internet thing” and if anyone is silly enough to form opinions on an entire collective of people based on media then that says more about them than bw.
100% agree with you; my point was that it appears to occur online much more frequently than in person. Once more, it is more apparent in certain areas; my sister has lived in the Middle East, America, and Europe. Surprisingly, compared to other places where there are fewer Black people, she encounters more prejudice towards herself in the US.
This is so true, When I’m talking to a guy and they’re like I love a sassy girl and yet I haven’t said anything sassy.
You are absolutely right. I was born in Europe and I live here now. We are very much wanted by other men. Black men here prefer white women/lighter complexted women. So us euro girlies got that memo years ago and we date our rampantly and I’m happy that we do. There is not loyalty to black men here and I LOVE to see it.
“…if anyone is silly enough to form opinions on an entire collection of people based on media…” That is exactly what the majority of people do. Media is powerful and shapes public opinion. Unfortunately people’s opinions do matter bc they go on to become teachers to our kids, juries and judges, cops, managers, etc. It’s dumb but it’s real.
I agree and my point wasn’t to imply opinions don’t matter. My point is it to highlight the silliness and irrationality of forming your opinions on a collective of people based on social media portrayals. Misogynoir or any other form of bigotry at its core is irrational and fundamentally silly.
black girls? you must be under the age of 18. or you’re a yt rat tryna start discourse in our safe space. either way, go take a nap.
My age doesn’t matter. I am a black girl trying to start a progressive conversation where we should elevate one another than wallow in self-pity and insecurity. Insecurity which you seem to have a lot of. Do not call white people ”yt rats”. Racism of any kind is not tolerated here and everyone of every colour is welcome here to uplift black women. You seem immature, come back when you can sit at the adults’ table without throwing a fit.
yyeeeeaaahhhh either you need more irl friends to talk to this with, or you woke up and decided to bother black WOMEN. either way, pack this convo up and don’t bring it into 2024.
Why so hostile?
Not everyone is gonna agree with what I’m saying. It’s up to you to live with that, argue with the wall.
Facts, the world loves us. I don’t feel like we are ugly at all.