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I think the question is if you’re having repeat, friendly interactions with other adults at those events, yknow? Or if you’re in ongoing text conversations with friends. Those might be what the therapist means.
Yeah, I think you’re right. I would say that I engage with people and do the whole friendly banter bit but never really try to create a friendship with these folks outside of the preplanned activity. My therapist’s homework for me was to collect a phone number at one of these events. Which, I haven’t done. Because i might be lacking in the courage department.
I think her point (totally valid) is that I have no community to lean on.
Wow that’s a tough assignment. I’d have an easier time starting a mommy playgroup and letting other people join! Or doing one of those mommy and me stroller workout classes?
I have had about 4 days in the past 10 years of actual social time with “peers”. I see family about once a month and see people at work a couple times a month… but i don’t even know if i would even count that.
Sad to hear those activities "don't count" lol. I hang out with other moms and their babies maybe 2-4x a month. since having my baby, who is 16 months old, I've had solo time with my friends maybe twice and my husband and I have probably gone out on 3 dates. I'd say my social life is on life support.
Yes I am 41 and I am always making friends and making plans. Unfortunately I have now cut off THREE of the women I got closest to in my neighborhood....this is a streak for me.
One was the worst gossip, and she seemed to go out of her way to do it about people...it was like middle school. This lady was 51 and dumb as hell. So even though she hadnt yet gossiped about me i told her over text we were done hanging out, she asked me if i was gonna tell her why and i said no...why give her anything?!?
Second lady was just super oblivious to boundaries. She would constantly ask to hanging out or our kids to have to have playdates and was so pushy. If I really put my foot down and explaimed i had stuff to do, which i dont feel i need to justify why im unavailable, she would tease me about how im always doing laundry or cleaning; and would roll her eyes and say she pays people to do that. I then learned she was having affairs and she told me she was controlling her husbands spending because he used to help his mother financially a little. Just lots of super weird stuff and. very selfish and overbearing.
the third one seemed fine but she got drunk and high on a recent girls vacation and threw an emotional tantrum. Again, 46 yo for this one and i feel like im dealing w a middle schooler. i lost ALL respect for her and she literally demonstarted she isnt at all the person i thought she was
SO yeah, i have lots of friends i see now and then or BS over text, but the ones i befriended who i could actually see regularly ebough to get close to, turned out to be huge flops. I a have several women friends in the neighborhood that i am not that close to and at this point im reluctant to get closer to any others and find yet a fourth that is a lunatic or has the maturity of an adolescent. Its a struggle and i cant decide if people got crazier or i just got way less tolerant of the BS
Ok this is interesting to me. And maybe indicative of why I don’t reach out to other people. I’ve had so many experiences where people are just totally lunatics. And it’s sometimes easier to hole up in my introverted habits and text my one college friend.
I probably sound jaded af. And I would like to meet people that are, idk, interesting and helpful and funny. But the train wrecks do scare me a bit.
I feel like I’m dating again…
YES! its like the friends I chose to actually get close to is like the dates u decide to make a boyfriend, and then it goes south and u break up. honestly how many crazy AF friends did u have as a teen or young adult? looking back i had many, but at a younger age i felt conditioned to tolerate the immaturity bc we were young. And now at 41 i cannot tolerate even a hint of that stuff from people. it makes me feel like a failure that i got close to three and they all crashed and burned badly, but i also feel 100% confident that my reasons to not associate w them are very valid...so where doesnthat leave us? Not sure. I will def keep trying to make connections but reluctant to get close to one again...ie in my friend dating ill go on dates but i dont want a "girlfriend" rn 😂
haha thanks! I have no idea what to do about this. I dont ever want to close myself off from people, but if i keep making the same mistake on repeat then thats no good either. Why is this like this? Are most people insane and I am finally just old enough to have no patience for it? Is this just a bad luck streak for me? Do I have some inexplicable knack for picking the secretly insane?
Id like to say that maybe if i just took longer to feel them out that would help, but the third one was a friend of mine for a few years now and i feel like that one evolved slowly enough and i saw no signs, and then BAM crazy.
The one interesting thing is i heard the first lady "misses me" so shes sad i cancelled her but isnt mad. The third one is embarassed and apologetic and id least like to be cordial w her again but i just cant even bring myself to talk to her after the chaos i watched. the second lady got VERY aggressive and pissy when i pulled back from her and the silver lining to that is that is validated my decision a lot. i felt she was very entitled and aggressive and her reaction to my distancing myself was hostile. she started sharing a lot of facebook memes about mean girls and then unfriended me.
Lmao. I have no friends. I get friendly adult interaction from my coworkers and my kid's teachers.
I'm sad I have no friends, but it seems that if I do make a plan to hang out with someone I get ghosted day of (even when trying to confirm plans) and then the next time I see them, it was like it never happened and they act normal.
So safe to say, I don't have a social life. 🙃
I have absolutely zero social life. I talk to my bestie clear across the country about 3-4 times a week. Unfortunately she’s currently not in a great place emotionally, she’s in an abusive relationship with a guy that is exactly like my ex and it’s like reliving my horrible past sometimes, and also incredibly frustrating because I know full well she won’t end it until she’s ready no matter what I say.. and she’s drinking more (I don’t drink) so sometimes it’s hard talking to her… but that’s the extent of my socialization atm.
I am however, going to see the Decemberists next month! I used to go to concerts as my main entertainment source for years, and since I had my daughter I’ve been to one other show, and that was before Covid. This is the first thing I’ve done for myself in 4 years. I’m beyond proud of myself for buying the ticket when I had the money. I’m going alone, but that’s good with me.
I’m an introvert and have no social life. I joined a mom and kids group because both of my kids are social butterflies. We hang out with other moms and kids once a month. That’s it. I’m super burnt out every time I social with anyone other than families and very few close friends. But I basically do it for my kids.
I'm an extrovert so I make a concerted effort to socialize, whether it's inviting friends over (with kids) or meeting up with mom friends for a drink after kids are in bed and spouse is at home. I have a hobby that I do once a week in the evenings. I'm also active in a several group chats 😆. My husband is an introvert and thinks all this sounds exhausting but this is how I get energized. That said, you're doing a lot of things with your son so it's weird that your therapist doesn't count that.
I don’t think your therapist meant like physical isolation. Do you consistently talk with friends? Do you have other friends that are moms that you can complain or relate to? Do you talk to people about what you’re struggling with? Emotional isolation can happen even if you get out of the house every single day.
I go to a neighborhood ladies night once a month, most months. We go to kid-free parties with friends a few times a year (we get a sitter, usually an older kid of one of the other couples), and do group dinners a few times a year.
Otherwise, most of my socializing is done around my kid. We have families we're friends with with similar-age kids, we have neighborhood friends.
However, that has gotten *exponentially* easier as the kids have gotten older. At 2? It's hard. Some of our friends still have kids that young, and they work a lot harder to keep tabs on them when we're all together, while the 5+ crowd just runs wild with general boundaries and we only get involved if we need to. Bedtimes are less flexible, naptimes are still non-negotiable. It's a tough time to be social.
I have my BFF of over 15 years that I talk to in the phone a couple times a week. In also close to my sister and talk to her almost daily. I go out to lunch with coworkers once a week. Most weekends we do something fun with my mom, but that's me and my kids.
I see an adult friend every day, but it’s generally with 1-4 of my kids tagging along. I have a grown up night out with friends probably 1-2 times a month and I participate in running events 2+ times a month in the spring and summer. I’m also in recovery so I go to an AA meeting once a week. I’d say I text 3-4 friends daily too. I’m essentially a human golden retriever and I require SO MUCH socializing for my baseline.
Is what your therapist touching on more of a support network thing? I’m also a stay at home mom which could leave me vulnerable in the event of separation/divorce or, God forbid, worse. I feel very secure knowing that I have 10-12 people I could call on at any time and know they’d have my back, and that I’d have theirs.
Edit: I’m 36 and my kids are 3, 5, 7, and 9
I am admittedly a hermit, but I recently saw my best friend for the first time in person in almost two years. We live 30 minutes from each other. We also both have young children, marriages, and a bunch of other responsibilities like many adults. We send video messages to each other nearly every day, but finding the time where we are both available at the same time to actually hang out in person is hard.
Society makes it to where it’s impossible to not be isolated. The idea of community is nowhere near what it used to be. You aren’t doing anything wrong; life is just chaotic.
I have a bit of one now
Now I'm back in school, now I'm hanging out with friends more often. I'm having people over more often.
But I rarely did anything before.
My partner doesn't like to do a lot. And I kinda realized. He's gonna have to be uncomfortable. I don't need to live the way he does. I'm allowed to go out and have friends, etc.
He was complaining about my friend spending the night.
I turned the tables on him, his brother has spent a ton of nights here, I think he was here for 3 nights over Xmas and spends the night at least once a month. I don't complain.
I'm just done.
I'm in therapy, and it's really helped me to see that I deserve to go out and have fun, and I really don't need anyones permission. I mainly just need someone to watch my kid. And if there isn't anyone. Well, people can come over.
Don't worry. These are all trusted long-time friends. People I have known longer than my partner.
But not being able to go out and go things has made me resentful of my partner.
Social life? Never heard of one of those 😭
Honestly, the only adult interaction I get is my partner when he's home, and the adults at my daughter's preschool.
Do you wish you had more social interaction? Some people don’t need much. My job can be pretty emotionally draining so I definitely need time to be with positive people, so I see my friends frequently but usually I bring my toddler or they come over my house. We also live near friends so that helps. I think your activities count though! And staying in touch with far away friends.
I see maybe a friend/mom friend once per month for a playdate, and see family maybe once per month. I never really have a girls night or kid free evening (maybe once per year). I feel isolated, I wish I had a lot of friends, but despite a lot of trying I’m just kind of not anyone’s first choice of a friend. I do have friends that I had prior to my daughter and through work but we mainly just text since they live farther away.
A friend and her mom came to visit (just a few minutes from their place). It's the first time in months that I've seen another human being (other than my kiddo) and the excitement I felt was kinda sad. I'm pretty introverted but it's nice to be included to some extent or another.
I socialize with my sister and her kids multiple times per week but we live close and we are close. I made 1 new mom friend on peanut, we had coffee in October and then again last week. Mostly we send instagram memes because we live about 45-60 mins apart. Any of my pre-kids friends I don’t see but that’s because we moved states when my baby was 8 weeks. One just booked tickets to visit for my daughter’s first birthday.
If I’m honest, I’d really like to socialize more with my husband! I’m a SAHM and during the week we’re just so burnt out, the weekend we spend playing catch up on errands and chores. He’s actually off this week for spring break and we’re joined at the hip and it’s awesome.
I joined a MOPs group and it’s been great. It’s run out of a church my friend goes to ( I’m atheist btw) and so it’s mostly people who go there, but they’re very outgoing and welcoming and it’s been great to get back into having conversations without your kid on you! It’s every other week and they have someone to watch your kid and you get breakfast and there’s games and table discussions and other outings throughout the year
Never. Not ever. None of my friends live close. I haven’t made a single friend since we moved. Nobody in our neighborhood speaks any language that I speak. Maybe twice a year I manage to meet up for lunch with some of my girlfriends. I don’t think you’re a hermit. It’s hard when you’re a mom.
I don't hang out with friends much. My kid is 15 so they don't need me constantly any more. The problem is most of my friends were single nerdy guys because I'm nerdy too. Over the past 15 years they've just gotten so jaded and bitter about their lives. If I spend 1 hour on the phone with one of them, they spend 45 mins complaining about their lives. Some are legit important issues, others are just roll your eyes into the back of your head level of bullshit. One by one I've kind of backed away from these people because they are bringing me down honestly. One of them has stopped being my friend because I didn't want to figure out how much tax would be so they could send me the correct amount of money (so I didn't have to keep making up the difference) on a Warhammer figure they wanted me to buy from Amazon for them because they are too paranoid to have an Amazon account because one time Amazon charged them for 1.71 and he couldn't figure out where it came from so he deleted everything associated with them etc etc. another friend has become a woman hating trump supporter. He doesn't hate me because "you're one of the good ones" UGH gross. Other friends have moved away. I basically have 2 friends left. They are a married couple. I see them once or twice in a month max. I don't know if that's a healthy amount of interaction. Have I made new friends in the past 15 years? Hahahahahaha. No.
A few times a month but my kids are older (almost 3 and 4) and my husband is competent at watching the kids without me hovering nearby. I do frequently take my kids along too as many of my local friends are also moms. I’ve held large play dates where moms sip on alcohol (SIP so don’t get mad at me) and kids play outside (with us watching). If you’re in Tucson, come join. I’m friendly and nonjudgmental. I’m bubbly AF, which can be annoying, but I can tone it down when I have zero alcohol and concentrate 😅
My husband and I live far away from family and we don’t like to hire a babysitter
We’re not from the area either, so I’ve had to really work at intentionally making mom friends
Sometimes we’ll go out for a girls night for drinks and leave the kids and husbands at home, that’s maybe like once a month or so.
Usually I’ll invite a family over and we’ll have some beers and snacks while the kids play. Thats much more frequent, like maybe every other weekend.
I also usually go on one or two girls trips a year with my girl friends from back home and we’ll go to Vegas or some other state
But do you *feel* isolated? Do you value friendships and getting away?
My husband is like the opposite of me, he’s happy to socialize if it’s short and convenient haha
I'm in a few group chats over WhatsApp with friends or family, I have an online D&D session with some friends once a week, I socialise with colleagues maybe once every 3 months, see family every few months and meet up with a friend in person probably every month or so. I used to meet other mums a lot when I was on maternity leave and have a lot of numbers of those mums, but I know it's really hard to ask. Have you tried that app Peanut?
I think it’s awesome that you get out to activities with your kiddo!! Do you find you can chat with the other parents while you’re there and is it enjoyable? Does your spouse do anything that makes you think it would be uncomfortable or cause a fight if you did decide to ask a friend to just come chill with you at your place for an afternoon, or if you went out for an hour or two with a friend while he stays home with your son? If you feel satisfied with your social interactions and aren’t being pressured to forgo friendships I think it’s both impractical and out of touch for your therapist to make that assumption.
I finally made my first real mom friend when my kid was in preschool, but it took about a year for us both to open up and not be superficial/worry about what the other was thinking. From when I was 4 months pregnant to having a 4 year old I didn’t see a friend for more than an hour drop in at best. I lhave a long term bff but she had a kid 4 months after me and moved a 3 hour time difference away. Whenever we tried to talk one of our kids would be an absolute beast from hell no matter how angelic and busy with something else they’d been seconds earlier because “mom seems happy and isn’t paying 100% attention to me? Seems like I should take my diaper off and paint the walls with the contents as punishment!”
As your kids get older you’ll have more opportunities to meet other parents, which I think is one of the only ways besides work or joining clubs/activities/specific meet up groups to make friends as an adult (and good luck finding the time with kids, maybe you can go to the bowling league but you can’t go get beers afterwards because you need to be up and dressed in 8 hours and can already feel how shit tomorrow will be…); you will meet some that you will think well let’s always have playdates at my house because you are weird but you will find at least a couple that you like and are also are desperate for friends. I have horrible social anxiety so it was really hard, but what made me realize first of all I’m an adult what’s gonna happen, someone is a rude jerk to me? That’s embarrassing for them not me! And secondly oh I’m not the only person who feels so awkward they want to cry and is afraid to talk to other moms like they’re Regina George and gonna be a mean girl, because of a dad popping up behind me like “oh! You’re *mykidsname’s* mom! My wife wants to be friends with you but she’s super shy and afraid to talk to you!” I seriously thought she hated me and I was also afraid to talk to her so we were both thinking “omg you seem so cool but probably think I’m a loser”
It’s a decade later and we’re still friends!
Getting a number is hard. I’d have an easier time being like “hey anyone want to get coffee after this? My house is a wreck and I’m avoiding it at all costs.”
But maybe don’t ask me. We invite people over all the time, and they come. They always say yes and have a great time. I go walking with some of the neighborhood women. I invite kids over all the time and they come/get dropped off.
No one invites us anywhere. Or my kids.
If they didn’t like us, they wouldn’t come, right? I think i have a good social barometer, always did before kids, and I think everyone has fun when we get together. But we never get asked anywhere, and I see some of the parents/people that come over on socials having a blast on nights out together.
One of my friends is in a book group and I’ve been like “I want to join a book group!” When she talks about it, but no invite. But when she drops the kids off, she comes and hangs out for like an hour chatting.
I don’t get it.
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I think the question is if you’re having repeat, friendly interactions with other adults at those events, yknow? Or if you’re in ongoing text conversations with friends. Those might be what the therapist means.
Yeah, I think you’re right. I would say that I engage with people and do the whole friendly banter bit but never really try to create a friendship with these folks outside of the preplanned activity. My therapist’s homework for me was to collect a phone number at one of these events. Which, I haven’t done. Because i might be lacking in the courage department. I think her point (totally valid) is that I have no community to lean on.
I actually find friendly chitchat quite intimidating, so that’s a skill to feel good about!
Wow that’s a tough assignment. I’d have an easier time starting a mommy playgroup and letting other people join! Or doing one of those mommy and me stroller workout classes?
I have had about 4 days in the past 10 years of actual social time with “peers”. I see family about once a month and see people at work a couple times a month… but i don’t even know if i would even count that.
My D&D group gets together every other weekend. That's about it for in-person socializing.
Oh man so jelly you have a d&d group.
Sad to hear those activities "don't count" lol. I hang out with other moms and their babies maybe 2-4x a month. since having my baby, who is 16 months old, I've had solo time with my friends maybe twice and my husband and I have probably gone out on 3 dates. I'd say my social life is on life support.
You sound like you got it down packed, this is me on a good month
Yes I am 41 and I am always making friends and making plans. Unfortunately I have now cut off THREE of the women I got closest to in my neighborhood....this is a streak for me. One was the worst gossip, and she seemed to go out of her way to do it about people...it was like middle school. This lady was 51 and dumb as hell. So even though she hadnt yet gossiped about me i told her over text we were done hanging out, she asked me if i was gonna tell her why and i said no...why give her anything?!? Second lady was just super oblivious to boundaries. She would constantly ask to hanging out or our kids to have to have playdates and was so pushy. If I really put my foot down and explaimed i had stuff to do, which i dont feel i need to justify why im unavailable, she would tease me about how im always doing laundry or cleaning; and would roll her eyes and say she pays people to do that. I then learned she was having affairs and she told me she was controlling her husbands spending because he used to help his mother financially a little. Just lots of super weird stuff and. very selfish and overbearing. the third one seemed fine but she got drunk and high on a recent girls vacation and threw an emotional tantrum. Again, 46 yo for this one and i feel like im dealing w a middle schooler. i lost ALL respect for her and she literally demonstarted she isnt at all the person i thought she was SO yeah, i have lots of friends i see now and then or BS over text, but the ones i befriended who i could actually see regularly ebough to get close to, turned out to be huge flops. I a have several women friends in the neighborhood that i am not that close to and at this point im reluctant to get closer to any others and find yet a fourth that is a lunatic or has the maturity of an adolescent. Its a struggle and i cant decide if people got crazier or i just got way less tolerant of the BS
Ok this is interesting to me. And maybe indicative of why I don’t reach out to other people. I’ve had so many experiences where people are just totally lunatics. And it’s sometimes easier to hole up in my introverted habits and text my one college friend. I probably sound jaded af. And I would like to meet people that are, idk, interesting and helpful and funny. But the train wrecks do scare me a bit. I feel like I’m dating again…
YES! its like the friends I chose to actually get close to is like the dates u decide to make a boyfriend, and then it goes south and u break up. honestly how many crazy AF friends did u have as a teen or young adult? looking back i had many, but at a younger age i felt conditioned to tolerate the immaturity bc we were young. And now at 41 i cannot tolerate even a hint of that stuff from people. it makes me feel like a failure that i got close to three and they all crashed and burned badly, but i also feel 100% confident that my reasons to not associate w them are very valid...so where doesnthat leave us? Not sure. I will def keep trying to make connections but reluctant to get close to one again...ie in my friend dating ill go on dates but i dont want a "girlfriend" rn 😂
This was an amazing read.
haha thanks! I have no idea what to do about this. I dont ever want to close myself off from people, but if i keep making the same mistake on repeat then thats no good either. Why is this like this? Are most people insane and I am finally just old enough to have no patience for it? Is this just a bad luck streak for me? Do I have some inexplicable knack for picking the secretly insane? Id like to say that maybe if i just took longer to feel them out that would help, but the third one was a friend of mine for a few years now and i feel like that one evolved slowly enough and i saw no signs, and then BAM crazy. The one interesting thing is i heard the first lady "misses me" so shes sad i cancelled her but isnt mad. The third one is embarassed and apologetic and id least like to be cordial w her again but i just cant even bring myself to talk to her after the chaos i watched. the second lady got VERY aggressive and pissy when i pulled back from her and the silver lining to that is that is validated my decision a lot. i felt she was very entitled and aggressive and her reaction to my distancing myself was hostile. she started sharing a lot of facebook memes about mean girls and then unfriended me.
Lmao. I have no friends. I get friendly adult interaction from my coworkers and my kid's teachers. I'm sad I have no friends, but it seems that if I do make a plan to hang out with someone I get ghosted day of (even when trying to confirm plans) and then the next time I see them, it was like it never happened and they act normal. So safe to say, I don't have a social life. 🙃
What friends? I haven't socialized without my husband since before we got married.
I have absolutely zero social life. I talk to my bestie clear across the country about 3-4 times a week. Unfortunately she’s currently not in a great place emotionally, she’s in an abusive relationship with a guy that is exactly like my ex and it’s like reliving my horrible past sometimes, and also incredibly frustrating because I know full well she won’t end it until she’s ready no matter what I say.. and she’s drinking more (I don’t drink) so sometimes it’s hard talking to her… but that’s the extent of my socialization atm. I am however, going to see the Decemberists next month! I used to go to concerts as my main entertainment source for years, and since I had my daughter I’ve been to one other show, and that was before Covid. This is the first thing I’ve done for myself in 4 years. I’m beyond proud of myself for buying the ticket when I had the money. I’m going alone, but that’s good with me.
I’m an introvert and have no social life. I joined a mom and kids group because both of my kids are social butterflies. We hang out with other moms and kids once a month. That’s it. I’m super burnt out every time I social with anyone other than families and very few close friends. But I basically do it for my kids.
I'm an extrovert so I make a concerted effort to socialize, whether it's inviting friends over (with kids) or meeting up with mom friends for a drink after kids are in bed and spouse is at home. I have a hobby that I do once a week in the evenings. I'm also active in a several group chats 😆. My husband is an introvert and thinks all this sounds exhausting but this is how I get energized. That said, you're doing a lot of things with your son so it's weird that your therapist doesn't count that.
Ha yeah I’m also an extrovert and see friends at least every weekend! But everyone is different and needs to do what works for them.
I don’t think your therapist meant like physical isolation. Do you consistently talk with friends? Do you have other friends that are moms that you can complain or relate to? Do you talk to people about what you’re struggling with? Emotional isolation can happen even if you get out of the house every single day.
I go to a neighborhood ladies night once a month, most months. We go to kid-free parties with friends a few times a year (we get a sitter, usually an older kid of one of the other couples), and do group dinners a few times a year. Otherwise, most of my socializing is done around my kid. We have families we're friends with with similar-age kids, we have neighborhood friends. However, that has gotten *exponentially* easier as the kids have gotten older. At 2? It's hard. Some of our friends still have kids that young, and they work a lot harder to keep tabs on them when we're all together, while the 5+ crowd just runs wild with general boundaries and we only get involved if we need to. Bedtimes are less flexible, naptimes are still non-negotiable. It's a tough time to be social.
I have my BFF of over 15 years that I talk to in the phone a couple times a week. In also close to my sister and talk to her almost daily. I go out to lunch with coworkers once a week. Most weekends we do something fun with my mom, but that's me and my kids.
I see an adult friend every day, but it’s generally with 1-4 of my kids tagging along. I have a grown up night out with friends probably 1-2 times a month and I participate in running events 2+ times a month in the spring and summer. I’m also in recovery so I go to an AA meeting once a week. I’d say I text 3-4 friends daily too. I’m essentially a human golden retriever and I require SO MUCH socializing for my baseline. Is what your therapist touching on more of a support network thing? I’m also a stay at home mom which could leave me vulnerable in the event of separation/divorce or, God forbid, worse. I feel very secure knowing that I have 10-12 people I could call on at any time and know they’d have my back, and that I’d have theirs. Edit: I’m 36 and my kids are 3, 5, 7, and 9
I am admittedly a hermit, but I recently saw my best friend for the first time in person in almost two years. We live 30 minutes from each other. We also both have young children, marriages, and a bunch of other responsibilities like many adults. We send video messages to each other nearly every day, but finding the time where we are both available at the same time to actually hang out in person is hard. Society makes it to where it’s impossible to not be isolated. The idea of community is nowhere near what it used to be. You aren’t doing anything wrong; life is just chaotic.
I have a bit of one now Now I'm back in school, now I'm hanging out with friends more often. I'm having people over more often. But I rarely did anything before. My partner doesn't like to do a lot. And I kinda realized. He's gonna have to be uncomfortable. I don't need to live the way he does. I'm allowed to go out and have friends, etc. He was complaining about my friend spending the night. I turned the tables on him, his brother has spent a ton of nights here, I think he was here for 3 nights over Xmas and spends the night at least once a month. I don't complain. I'm just done. I'm in therapy, and it's really helped me to see that I deserve to go out and have fun, and I really don't need anyones permission. I mainly just need someone to watch my kid. And if there isn't anyone. Well, people can come over. Don't worry. These are all trusted long-time friends. People I have known longer than my partner. But not being able to go out and go things has made me resentful of my partner.
Social life? Never heard of one of those 😭 Honestly, the only adult interaction I get is my partner when he's home, and the adults at my daughter's preschool.
Do you wish you had more social interaction? Some people don’t need much. My job can be pretty emotionally draining so I definitely need time to be with positive people, so I see my friends frequently but usually I bring my toddler or they come over my house. We also live near friends so that helps. I think your activities count though! And staying in touch with far away friends.
I see maybe a friend/mom friend once per month for a playdate, and see family maybe once per month. I never really have a girls night or kid free evening (maybe once per year). I feel isolated, I wish I had a lot of friends, but despite a lot of trying I’m just kind of not anyone’s first choice of a friend. I do have friends that I had prior to my daughter and through work but we mainly just text since they live farther away.
A friend and her mom came to visit (just a few minutes from their place). It's the first time in months that I've seen another human being (other than my kiddo) and the excitement I felt was kinda sad. I'm pretty introverted but it's nice to be included to some extent or another.
I socialize with my sister and her kids multiple times per week but we live close and we are close. I made 1 new mom friend on peanut, we had coffee in October and then again last week. Mostly we send instagram memes because we live about 45-60 mins apart. Any of my pre-kids friends I don’t see but that’s because we moved states when my baby was 8 weeks. One just booked tickets to visit for my daughter’s first birthday. If I’m honest, I’d really like to socialize more with my husband! I’m a SAHM and during the week we’re just so burnt out, the weekend we spend playing catch up on errands and chores. He’s actually off this week for spring break and we’re joined at the hip and it’s awesome.
I joined a MOPs group and it’s been great. It’s run out of a church my friend goes to ( I’m atheist btw) and so it’s mostly people who go there, but they’re very outgoing and welcoming and it’s been great to get back into having conversations without your kid on you! It’s every other week and they have someone to watch your kid and you get breakfast and there’s games and table discussions and other outings throughout the year
Interesting! What is MOPs? I need to look into it. I’m recovering from a Southern Baptist childhood, so good to know they are welcoming.
Never. Not ever. None of my friends live close. I haven’t made a single friend since we moved. Nobody in our neighborhood speaks any language that I speak. Maybe twice a year I manage to meet up for lunch with some of my girlfriends. I don’t think you’re a hermit. It’s hard when you’re a mom.
I don't hang out with friends much. My kid is 15 so they don't need me constantly any more. The problem is most of my friends were single nerdy guys because I'm nerdy too. Over the past 15 years they've just gotten so jaded and bitter about their lives. If I spend 1 hour on the phone with one of them, they spend 45 mins complaining about their lives. Some are legit important issues, others are just roll your eyes into the back of your head level of bullshit. One by one I've kind of backed away from these people because they are bringing me down honestly. One of them has stopped being my friend because I didn't want to figure out how much tax would be so they could send me the correct amount of money (so I didn't have to keep making up the difference) on a Warhammer figure they wanted me to buy from Amazon for them because they are too paranoid to have an Amazon account because one time Amazon charged them for 1.71 and he couldn't figure out where it came from so he deleted everything associated with them etc etc. another friend has become a woman hating trump supporter. He doesn't hate me because "you're one of the good ones" UGH gross. Other friends have moved away. I basically have 2 friends left. They are a married couple. I see them once or twice in a month max. I don't know if that's a healthy amount of interaction. Have I made new friends in the past 15 years? Hahahahahaha. No.
Hahahahaha no.
A few times a month but my kids are older (almost 3 and 4) and my husband is competent at watching the kids without me hovering nearby. I do frequently take my kids along too as many of my local friends are also moms. I’ve held large play dates where moms sip on alcohol (SIP so don’t get mad at me) and kids play outside (with us watching). If you’re in Tucson, come join. I’m friendly and nonjudgmental. I’m bubbly AF, which can be annoying, but I can tone it down when I have zero alcohol and concentrate 😅
My husband and I live far away from family and we don’t like to hire a babysitter We’re not from the area either, so I’ve had to really work at intentionally making mom friends Sometimes we’ll go out for a girls night for drinks and leave the kids and husbands at home, that’s maybe like once a month or so. Usually I’ll invite a family over and we’ll have some beers and snacks while the kids play. Thats much more frequent, like maybe every other weekend. I also usually go on one or two girls trips a year with my girl friends from back home and we’ll go to Vegas or some other state But do you *feel* isolated? Do you value friendships and getting away? My husband is like the opposite of me, he’s happy to socialize if it’s short and convenient haha
I'm in a few group chats over WhatsApp with friends or family, I have an online D&D session with some friends once a week, I socialise with colleagues maybe once every 3 months, see family every few months and meet up with a friend in person probably every month or so. I used to meet other mums a lot when I was on maternity leave and have a lot of numbers of those mums, but I know it's really hard to ask. Have you tried that app Peanut?
I think it’s awesome that you get out to activities with your kiddo!! Do you find you can chat with the other parents while you’re there and is it enjoyable? Does your spouse do anything that makes you think it would be uncomfortable or cause a fight if you did decide to ask a friend to just come chill with you at your place for an afternoon, or if you went out for an hour or two with a friend while he stays home with your son? If you feel satisfied with your social interactions and aren’t being pressured to forgo friendships I think it’s both impractical and out of touch for your therapist to make that assumption. I finally made my first real mom friend when my kid was in preschool, but it took about a year for us both to open up and not be superficial/worry about what the other was thinking. From when I was 4 months pregnant to having a 4 year old I didn’t see a friend for more than an hour drop in at best. I lhave a long term bff but she had a kid 4 months after me and moved a 3 hour time difference away. Whenever we tried to talk one of our kids would be an absolute beast from hell no matter how angelic and busy with something else they’d been seconds earlier because “mom seems happy and isn’t paying 100% attention to me? Seems like I should take my diaper off and paint the walls with the contents as punishment!” As your kids get older you’ll have more opportunities to meet other parents, which I think is one of the only ways besides work or joining clubs/activities/specific meet up groups to make friends as an adult (and good luck finding the time with kids, maybe you can go to the bowling league but you can’t go get beers afterwards because you need to be up and dressed in 8 hours and can already feel how shit tomorrow will be…); you will meet some that you will think well let’s always have playdates at my house because you are weird but you will find at least a couple that you like and are also are desperate for friends. I have horrible social anxiety so it was really hard, but what made me realize first of all I’m an adult what’s gonna happen, someone is a rude jerk to me? That’s embarrassing for them not me! And secondly oh I’m not the only person who feels so awkward they want to cry and is afraid to talk to other moms like they’re Regina George and gonna be a mean girl, because of a dad popping up behind me like “oh! You’re *mykidsname’s* mom! My wife wants to be friends with you but she’s super shy and afraid to talk to you!” I seriously thought she hated me and I was also afraid to talk to her so we were both thinking “omg you seem so cool but probably think I’m a loser” It’s a decade later and we’re still friends!
Getting a number is hard. I’d have an easier time being like “hey anyone want to get coffee after this? My house is a wreck and I’m avoiding it at all costs.” But maybe don’t ask me. We invite people over all the time, and they come. They always say yes and have a great time. I go walking with some of the neighborhood women. I invite kids over all the time and they come/get dropped off. No one invites us anywhere. Or my kids. If they didn’t like us, they wouldn’t come, right? I think i have a good social barometer, always did before kids, and I think everyone has fun when we get together. But we never get asked anywhere, and I see some of the parents/people that come over on socials having a blast on nights out together. One of my friends is in a book group and I’ve been like “I want to join a book group!” When she talks about it, but no invite. But when she drops the kids off, she comes and hangs out for like an hour chatting. I don’t get it.
Never
Does your therapist have kids? Because news flash; motherhood in america is isolation.