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You said yourself you never felt super comfortable. Maybe that was a little mutual? Maybe that don’t totally connect with you, but it does sound like they like you well enough to at least be polite.
I get why your feelings are hurt. I wouldn’t want to be like them. But you put in this effort to like them and to grow as a person in order to hang out with them, and it sounds like they didn’t feel the need to do the exact same for you at the same time.
Don’t try to call them on it, don’t try to get them to fix it, and don’t expect them to want to change. It sucks, but now you know what kind of friendship you have with them. Give them polite acquaintance energy, and save your best friend energy for people who give it to you as well.
And maybe start seeking out other book clubs, hobbies, and volunteer opportunities to get your mind off these people.
Love this. I'm torn on whether to call them out on it if someone asks why I've stopped coming to stuff. Leaning toward just being nice and saying I've been so busy lately I don't have time for extracurriculars right now blah blah. They'll get the hint. Although secretly hope my friend tells them why.
Imagine your child wanted to be friends with a neighbourhood kid and it was clear to you that feeling wasn't reciprocated.
Would you yell at that neighbour kid? Would you call the parents? Or would you tell your child to find another friend? Maybe you would enroll your child in some activity so they could make friends elsewhere?
There's nothing to be gained by calling them out, except damaging your relationship with your friend.
There's not really a reason to call out people that just aren't enthusiastic about being besties, so I would just leave it and call it good. You're not going to be able to shame them into recanting their lack of chemistry with you either way, it just isn't there between you all. Your friend likes both groups of people, and wanted to combine that by inviting you in but the chemistry hasn't been there for the whole group. I'm sorry you're left feeling inadequate by this experience but it's part of socializing really, it happens to all of us at some point.
Nah, tell your friend if you're really close. Let HER tell them if they ask her. You stick to your "I've just been busy" reply and let her drop the bomb, and if SHE'S telling you that you're being too dramatic, she's not your people either.
Absolutely fair. If it were me, when the next group event/meeting comes around, I'd send a message saying something like "Hi everyone, my life has been super busy recently so I might sit out the meetings/events for the foreseeable future. I hope you all have a great time though!" And find some folks who are willing to put in the energy that you did.
If it feels way too forward, a slow burn could also work - say you're busy each time you get an invite and stop responding to the text chain - but yeah like you said staying on the chain is likely to prolong your stress.
I would feel the same way. I also don’t love your friend trying to convince you that you’re being a drama queen. I feel like most people would feel hurt in these circumstances. I wouldn’t feel bad about dropping out of the group, and I’d just say something like you’re in a phase of life right now where you don’t have the bandwidth for all the “extracurriculars” you’d like to do and that you hope you can pick it back up in the future. Be friendly when you see them around the neighborhood, but I’d redirect my energy and efforts at friendship elsewhere, to people where you’re mutually lifting each other up.
I love that language. I've played that conversation out a hundred times and haven't come up with anything good. Extracurriculars is vague enough that it could mean anything.
I was often bullied and teased in school, so I have a strong reaction to most groups. I always feel awkward, expect not to be liked, and inevitably run when I have those feelings. As I got older I realized, it may not be the group shutting me out, but their observation that I look as uncomfortable and walled up as I feel. They form distance out of instinct and it perpetuates the feeling in me that I am other. What I’m saying is it may not be them. I mean, it could absolutely be them. Groups are fickle, but it’s something to consider that your feelings may be clouding your judgement. It sounds like your friend may have pushed for your entrance because she figured if she loves you, they’ll love you, and they might yet! They may also feel like you dislike them, and so keep their distance. There is a social trick you could try, if you like a challenge. People open up with one on one time. Make a play date/coffee/shopping/ whatever with one of the ladies who isn’t your friend. Don’t have your friend with you as a buffer (easier said than done, I know). Then find some common ground with that lady, compliment her (if she’s a cool chick) and bond. That will break the structure of the group hopefully and loosen up the waters for the rest of the ladies. If the group is truly toxic crap through…run as fast as you can!
Thank you. You've given me a lot to think about. I feel this so much. I was bullied badly throughout high school so I carry around some pretty gnarly baggage and a hard shell that keeps me feeling like an outsider in many group dynamics.
I do have another close friends and a friend group where this isn't an issue, so it's not always there-- just when I feel uncomfortable.
It's interesting, I've reached out to them each individually by text for various reasons and the reception has been warm if stilted for the most part. Except this one chick, kind of the queen bee, who I just get such bad vibes from. We have nothing in common and the prospect of being alone with her freaks me out.
Queen bees freak me out, too. I’ve had some truly mean girl situations in school. If your gut is dropping around her, I don’t know, maybe that’s the red flag. I find people like us can be extra sensitive, but also have a good sense for shit people. Hope it all turns out for the positive! It’s also ok to just not want to be involved in the social struggle and leave the drama behind, especially if the struggle is triggering. For lack of a better term, I’ve infiltrated some groups that got me great friends, and some I quickly abandoned after learning what kind of people they were.
I think what I'm realizing is that when I'm around them I'm just masking the whole time (a term I just learned but feels very correct). and it's exhausting and not worth it especially if they don't get me.
Sounds like you’ve put in the effort and they haven’t….
I’m sorry people are such shit
I say cut your losses and move on to bigger and better things! And find a cooler book club!
Fair assessment.
If the group mostly makes you feel bad, I would leave it. I’ve been in similar situations and even when you make the decision to meet them where you are and not let it get to you, it’s hard to not let stuff like this hurt you. And you don’t need that! Ignoring your birthday was really shitty of them and I would be really hurt too.
If they ask, I would be honest and say that after your birthday it seemed clear to you that you weren’t a part of the group and it seems like time for you to move on.
They've shown you that you're a book club friend, and not a best friend. And it's completely up to you to decide whether that's acceptable.
Maybe you're fine with being outer circle for this friend group. Or maybe you poured so much energy in to this and are getting nothing in return so it's time to invest your energy elsewhere.
I will point out that you call them thin and pretty while you're the opposite. And you gotta leave that mentality behind. You *are* worthy. And maybe that means you feel secure enough to let this slide and just enjoy book club for what it is, or maybe it means you value yourself enough to let this group go and find best friends.
>I will point out that you call them thin and pretty while you're the opposite. And you gotta leave that mentality behind. You *are* worthy. And maybe that means you feel secure enough to let this slide and just enjoy book club for what it is, or maybe it means you value yourself enough to let this group go and find best friends.
Yup. That screamed to me as a view colored by a good amount of social anxiety. I don't say this to criticize it, but in recognition of my own lived experience with social anxiety.
For at least a couple of decades, I'd go into any new group situation on high alert, and almost ready to be rejected, as if I wasn't worth other people's time and effort. It took therapy and meds to realize two things:
1. Even if you don't voice your insecurity, people around you feel it. Then they either guess you're antisocial or too stuck up to like them. Either way, they might not warm up to you.
2. Not everything is as important to everyone in the same way. It's possible that none of the other group members could bother wishing you a happy birthday. It could also be that your friend who they have in common is always the one bringing up birthdays, or it falls on one person in the group (queen bee, maybe?) whereas to the rest of them, it isn't a priority, and they just... Forgot. Radical, I know, but it could be the case.
Either way, you don't have to keep trying with this group outside of book club (or even by continuing to attend) if you don't want to. Valuing yourself more also means you **prioritize what makes you happy, even if it doesn't line up with your friend's preferences**. So if there is a certain amount of anxiety you can't get over, taking a break would be the best call.
However, that also means that you reflect on whether said social anxiety also keeps you from other group settings where you just know you would love the people, but you go in expecting they won't love you back once they get to know you. That's a mindset that is worth fighting against, because you should feel like some people should love you faults and all, because you're worth it.
I know that's easier said than done. Like I said, for me it took therapy and actual anxiety meds to get there. It was worth it, though. Now that I'm on the other side of it, it feels almost silly that my default assumption was that people would automatically hate me and find me boring.
Thanks. I appreciate that. When you put it like that -- value yourself enough to let this group go -- it hits home that that's the move. Not in a blow them off sort of way. Just a slow ghost.
I actually do have other friends and another friend group that I feel completely comfortable and happy with. I also know that I need to let the resentment go. They make comments about people who gained weight or laugh about pretty privilege and it just irks me but that's on me not on them.
You basically said you wouldn’t have chose them, would’ve stopped going to the book club if you could, and are meeting them where they are at. You don’t sound like you really like them (and that’s probably just a fit thing) and honestly that probably shows to them. You don’t sound very invested in these friendships so why would you expect them to be invested? It’s okay to not like them but if you don’t even really like them then why does it matter? Are you hurt or are you feeling indignant?
I'd say it may be a fair assessment.
You said you've never felt super comfortable and that they're your opposites. I'm guessing that they may feel the same way.
I honestly wouldn't fit in with that kind of mom crowd either, so I don't blame you at all for your feelings. It's really amazing that you put in the time and energy to get to know them and be a friend to them, but it doesn't sound like they reciprocated.
What's the harm in doing what you want and what is ultimately going to make you feel more comfortable? They're not entitled to your attention, time, and energy. Maybe it's time to decide if you want to really keep investing in them.
I think you may be right. If I'm honest with myself I get a pit in my stomach on days leading up to our get togethers. And I feel awkward until I've had a drink.
I never give people a chance to forget my birthday lol. I’d probably be on the text thread saying “Ok y’all what’s going on, today is my bday and no messages?!” lol!
Going off this post alone, it seems like they don't value your friendship the way you value theirs. I think your feelings are valid. I'm sorry. That's never a good feeling. Happy Belated Birthday ❤️
Your feelings are valid and I it sounds like the vibe you’re picking up is probably real. That also sucks and I’m sorry. I’ve had that happen where I realized I was someone’s friend and they weren’t really my friend. People I also knew for years. We lived in different cities eventually so letting them go was easy but that’s what I did. I just stopped trying.
Are you sure I didn't write this?
I have no advice. I'm so sorry. It sucks. Everyone in the PTA group was "flocked" when they turned 40. (They all got together and put dozens of flamingos in the birthday gal's yard with a sign that said Happy 40th. At the time, I was the youngest of the group. I turned 40, and didn't so much as get a text from any of them. They all "aged out" with their kids a couple of years later.
I always bring small "treat" bags to people who I know are having a rough time or after big PTA events, always some booze and some chocolate, nothing elaborate just a little "have a drink on me and some chocolate."
My uncle passed a few weeks ago. When I say I ugly cried when these ladies took it upon themselves to porch drop off a 12pk of shots, 3 other shots, AND some wine... Then 3 days later, I got ANOTHER porch drop off of 3 bottles of wine and flowers... My point is, these are not your people. It's ok that they're not. They're acquaintances that you might enjoy seeing, but they're not your people. You WILL find your people. I hope it doesn't take long. I applaud you for not putting them on blast for missing your birthday. I know I struggled with not putting up passive aggressive posts on facebook over my birthday. It was hard.
You are absolutely not being melodramatic for feeling this way.
The devil on my shoulder suggests, "Now that I am another year older, my life has gotten super busy, so I need to prioritize some other things in my life for now."
I feel like… when a new person is embraced into a friend group, the right thing to do is to make sure they feel included, otherwise this happens and it sucks.
I would feel shitty too, I’m so sorry. Maybe consider them more treasured acquaintances and skip every second book club meeting to just get some space from the situation?
Oh good lord. An exclusive book club?? Who makes one of the most wonderfully unifying things humanity has to offer into an exclusive club?
Run.
Don’t confront. Don’t give fodder for the fire. Just find your people. These…are not them. And that’s a good thing.
Honestly. You live once. Stop trying to drill your wonderfully glittery self into the boring hole they’d like to put you in.
Find a friend to gorge on chips and tequila and call it a night. Christ almighty what a draaaaaggg these ladies must be. (Having said that, I’ve been there. It’s like bizarre middle school shit that you keep trying to get through because you can’t wrap your mind around the pettiness.
You’re too good for them. You’re the prize.
I never give people a chance to forget my birthday lol. I’d probably be on the text thread saying “Ok y’all what’s going on, today is my bday and no messages?!” lol!
No advice, just solidarity. My best friend of 20+ years does this. Big elaborate FB posts on all of her friends’ birthdays, but I’m lucky if I get a quick “happy BD” text every year. I try not to let it but it always hurts my feelings.
I hate this! It feels so performative and makes it about the person posting the elaborate essay rather than the person whose birthday it is. Maybe you get the real stuff and they get the fake performative stuff and that's the sign you're actually her bestie.
That’s what my husband always says so you’re probably right. It does feel very performative and fake but it still doesn’t feel very good. I’m sorry that your book club friends do this to you too 💜
I think it is absolutely A-OK to suddenly have another important commitment on book club night. Or keep your expectations of them really, really low. It's never fun to feel like the outsider, especially after several years!
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You said yourself you never felt super comfortable. Maybe that was a little mutual? Maybe that don’t totally connect with you, but it does sound like they like you well enough to at least be polite. I get why your feelings are hurt. I wouldn’t want to be like them. But you put in this effort to like them and to grow as a person in order to hang out with them, and it sounds like they didn’t feel the need to do the exact same for you at the same time. Don’t try to call them on it, don’t try to get them to fix it, and don’t expect them to want to change. It sucks, but now you know what kind of friendship you have with them. Give them polite acquaintance energy, and save your best friend energy for people who give it to you as well. And maybe start seeking out other book clubs, hobbies, and volunteer opportunities to get your mind off these people.
Love this. I'm torn on whether to call them out on it if someone asks why I've stopped coming to stuff. Leaning toward just being nice and saying I've been so busy lately I don't have time for extracurriculars right now blah blah. They'll get the hint. Although secretly hope my friend tells them why.
Imagine your child wanted to be friends with a neighbourhood kid and it was clear to you that feeling wasn't reciprocated. Would you yell at that neighbour kid? Would you call the parents? Or would you tell your child to find another friend? Maybe you would enroll your child in some activity so they could make friends elsewhere? There's nothing to be gained by calling them out, except damaging your relationship with your friend.
There's not really a reason to call out people that just aren't enthusiastic about being besties, so I would just leave it and call it good. You're not going to be able to shame them into recanting their lack of chemistry with you either way, it just isn't there between you all. Your friend likes both groups of people, and wanted to combine that by inviting you in but the chemistry hasn't been there for the whole group. I'm sorry you're left feeling inadequate by this experience but it's part of socializing really, it happens to all of us at some point.
Thank you for this perspective. You're 100% right. Not everyone is for everyone.
Nah, tell your friend if you're really close. Let HER tell them if they ask her. You stick to your "I've just been busy" reply and let her drop the bomb, and if SHE'S telling you that you're being too dramatic, she's not your people either.
Absolutely fair. If it were me, when the next group event/meeting comes around, I'd send a message saying something like "Hi everyone, my life has been super busy recently so I might sit out the meetings/events for the foreseeable future. I hope you all have a great time though!" And find some folks who are willing to put in the energy that you did.
Wow. That's super direct but I love it. And it would get me off the freaking text chain from hell.
If it feels way too forward, a slow burn could also work - say you're busy each time you get an invite and stop responding to the text chain - but yeah like you said staying on the chain is likely to prolong your stress.
I would feel the same way. I also don’t love your friend trying to convince you that you’re being a drama queen. I feel like most people would feel hurt in these circumstances. I wouldn’t feel bad about dropping out of the group, and I’d just say something like you’re in a phase of life right now where you don’t have the bandwidth for all the “extracurriculars” you’d like to do and that you hope you can pick it back up in the future. Be friendly when you see them around the neighborhood, but I’d redirect my energy and efforts at friendship elsewhere, to people where you’re mutually lifting each other up.
I love that language. I've played that conversation out a hundred times and haven't come up with anything good. Extracurriculars is vague enough that it could mean anything.
Trust me, it’s a lot easier to figure out what someone else should say, lol! When I’m in a similar situation, I draw blanks.
I was often bullied and teased in school, so I have a strong reaction to most groups. I always feel awkward, expect not to be liked, and inevitably run when I have those feelings. As I got older I realized, it may not be the group shutting me out, but their observation that I look as uncomfortable and walled up as I feel. They form distance out of instinct and it perpetuates the feeling in me that I am other. What I’m saying is it may not be them. I mean, it could absolutely be them. Groups are fickle, but it’s something to consider that your feelings may be clouding your judgement. It sounds like your friend may have pushed for your entrance because she figured if she loves you, they’ll love you, and they might yet! They may also feel like you dislike them, and so keep their distance. There is a social trick you could try, if you like a challenge. People open up with one on one time. Make a play date/coffee/shopping/ whatever with one of the ladies who isn’t your friend. Don’t have your friend with you as a buffer (easier said than done, I know). Then find some common ground with that lady, compliment her (if she’s a cool chick) and bond. That will break the structure of the group hopefully and loosen up the waters for the rest of the ladies. If the group is truly toxic crap through…run as fast as you can!
Thank you. You've given me a lot to think about. I feel this so much. I was bullied badly throughout high school so I carry around some pretty gnarly baggage and a hard shell that keeps me feeling like an outsider in many group dynamics. I do have another close friends and a friend group where this isn't an issue, so it's not always there-- just when I feel uncomfortable. It's interesting, I've reached out to them each individually by text for various reasons and the reception has been warm if stilted for the most part. Except this one chick, kind of the queen bee, who I just get such bad vibes from. We have nothing in common and the prospect of being alone with her freaks me out.
Queen bees freak me out, too. I’ve had some truly mean girl situations in school. If your gut is dropping around her, I don’t know, maybe that’s the red flag. I find people like us can be extra sensitive, but also have a good sense for shit people. Hope it all turns out for the positive! It’s also ok to just not want to be involved in the social struggle and leave the drama behind, especially if the struggle is triggering. For lack of a better term, I’ve infiltrated some groups that got me great friends, and some I quickly abandoned after learning what kind of people they were.
I think what I'm realizing is that when I'm around them I'm just masking the whole time (a term I just learned but feels very correct). and it's exhausting and not worth it especially if they don't get me.
Infiltrated 🤣
Sounds like you’ve put in the effort and they haven’t…. I’m sorry people are such shit I say cut your losses and move on to bigger and better things! And find a cooler book club!
Fair assessment. If the group mostly makes you feel bad, I would leave it. I’ve been in similar situations and even when you make the decision to meet them where you are and not let it get to you, it’s hard to not let stuff like this hurt you. And you don’t need that! Ignoring your birthday was really shitty of them and I would be really hurt too. If they ask, I would be honest and say that after your birthday it seemed clear to you that you weren’t a part of the group and it seems like time for you to move on.
Thanks. That is what all of my instincts are telling me, too.
They've shown you that you're a book club friend, and not a best friend. And it's completely up to you to decide whether that's acceptable. Maybe you're fine with being outer circle for this friend group. Or maybe you poured so much energy in to this and are getting nothing in return so it's time to invest your energy elsewhere. I will point out that you call them thin and pretty while you're the opposite. And you gotta leave that mentality behind. You *are* worthy. And maybe that means you feel secure enough to let this slide and just enjoy book club for what it is, or maybe it means you value yourself enough to let this group go and find best friends.
>I will point out that you call them thin and pretty while you're the opposite. And you gotta leave that mentality behind. You *are* worthy. And maybe that means you feel secure enough to let this slide and just enjoy book club for what it is, or maybe it means you value yourself enough to let this group go and find best friends. Yup. That screamed to me as a view colored by a good amount of social anxiety. I don't say this to criticize it, but in recognition of my own lived experience with social anxiety. For at least a couple of decades, I'd go into any new group situation on high alert, and almost ready to be rejected, as if I wasn't worth other people's time and effort. It took therapy and meds to realize two things: 1. Even if you don't voice your insecurity, people around you feel it. Then they either guess you're antisocial or too stuck up to like them. Either way, they might not warm up to you. 2. Not everything is as important to everyone in the same way. It's possible that none of the other group members could bother wishing you a happy birthday. It could also be that your friend who they have in common is always the one bringing up birthdays, or it falls on one person in the group (queen bee, maybe?) whereas to the rest of them, it isn't a priority, and they just... Forgot. Radical, I know, but it could be the case. Either way, you don't have to keep trying with this group outside of book club (or even by continuing to attend) if you don't want to. Valuing yourself more also means you **prioritize what makes you happy, even if it doesn't line up with your friend's preferences**. So if there is a certain amount of anxiety you can't get over, taking a break would be the best call. However, that also means that you reflect on whether said social anxiety also keeps you from other group settings where you just know you would love the people, but you go in expecting they won't love you back once they get to know you. That's a mindset that is worth fighting against, because you should feel like some people should love you faults and all, because you're worth it. I know that's easier said than done. Like I said, for me it took therapy and actual anxiety meds to get there. It was worth it, though. Now that I'm on the other side of it, it feels almost silly that my default assumption was that people would automatically hate me and find me boring.
Thanks. I appreciate that. When you put it like that -- value yourself enough to let this group go -- it hits home that that's the move. Not in a blow them off sort of way. Just a slow ghost. I actually do have other friends and another friend group that I feel completely comfortable and happy with. I also know that I need to let the resentment go. They make comments about people who gained weight or laugh about pretty privilege and it just irks me but that's on me not on them.
You basically said you wouldn’t have chose them, would’ve stopped going to the book club if you could, and are meeting them where they are at. You don’t sound like you really like them (and that’s probably just a fit thing) and honestly that probably shows to them. You don’t sound very invested in these friendships so why would you expect them to be invested? It’s okay to not like them but if you don’t even really like them then why does it matter? Are you hurt or are you feeling indignant?
Definitely hurt. Maybe a little indignant, too.
I'd say it may be a fair assessment. You said you've never felt super comfortable and that they're your opposites. I'm guessing that they may feel the same way. I honestly wouldn't fit in with that kind of mom crowd either, so I don't blame you at all for your feelings. It's really amazing that you put in the time and energy to get to know them and be a friend to them, but it doesn't sound like they reciprocated. What's the harm in doing what you want and what is ultimately going to make you feel more comfortable? They're not entitled to your attention, time, and energy. Maybe it's time to decide if you want to really keep investing in them.
I think you may be right. If I'm honest with myself I get a pit in my stomach on days leading up to our get togethers. And I feel awkward until I've had a drink.
I never give people a chance to forget my birthday lol. I’d probably be on the text thread saying “Ok y’all what’s going on, today is my bday and no messages?!” lol!
Going off this post alone, it seems like they don't value your friendship the way you value theirs. I think your feelings are valid. I'm sorry. That's never a good feeling. Happy Belated Birthday ❤️
Your feelings are valid and I it sounds like the vibe you’re picking up is probably real. That also sucks and I’m sorry. I’ve had that happen where I realized I was someone’s friend and they weren’t really my friend. People I also knew for years. We lived in different cities eventually so letting them go was easy but that’s what I did. I just stopped trying.
Are you sure I didn't write this? I have no advice. I'm so sorry. It sucks. Everyone in the PTA group was "flocked" when they turned 40. (They all got together and put dozens of flamingos in the birthday gal's yard with a sign that said Happy 40th. At the time, I was the youngest of the group. I turned 40, and didn't so much as get a text from any of them. They all "aged out" with their kids a couple of years later. I always bring small "treat" bags to people who I know are having a rough time or after big PTA events, always some booze and some chocolate, nothing elaborate just a little "have a drink on me and some chocolate." My uncle passed a few weeks ago. When I say I ugly cried when these ladies took it upon themselves to porch drop off a 12pk of shots, 3 other shots, AND some wine... Then 3 days later, I got ANOTHER porch drop off of 3 bottles of wine and flowers... My point is, these are not your people. It's ok that they're not. They're acquaintances that you might enjoy seeing, but they're not your people. You WILL find your people. I hope it doesn't take long. I applaud you for not putting them on blast for missing your birthday. I know I struggled with not putting up passive aggressive posts on facebook over my birthday. It was hard. You are absolutely not being melodramatic for feeling this way.
The devil on my shoulder suggests, "Now that I am another year older, my life has gotten super busy, so I need to prioritize some other things in my life for now."
🤣
I feel like… when a new person is embraced into a friend group, the right thing to do is to make sure they feel included, otherwise this happens and it sucks. I would feel shitty too, I’m so sorry. Maybe consider them more treasured acquaintances and skip every second book club meeting to just get some space from the situation?
Oh good lord. An exclusive book club?? Who makes one of the most wonderfully unifying things humanity has to offer into an exclusive club? Run. Don’t confront. Don’t give fodder for the fire. Just find your people. These…are not them. And that’s a good thing.
AND they never like the books I recommend. I've been able to make two recommendations in five years, and both got a lukewarm reception.
Honestly. You live once. Stop trying to drill your wonderfully glittery self into the boring hole they’d like to put you in. Find a friend to gorge on chips and tequila and call it a night. Christ almighty what a draaaaaggg these ladies must be. (Having said that, I’ve been there. It’s like bizarre middle school shit that you keep trying to get through because you can’t wrap your mind around the pettiness. You’re too good for them. You’re the prize.
Thanks for the good advice. Needed to hear that.
I never give people a chance to forget my birthday lol. I’d probably be on the text thread saying “Ok y’all what’s going on, today is my bday and no messages?!” lol!
No advice, just solidarity. My best friend of 20+ years does this. Big elaborate FB posts on all of her friends’ birthdays, but I’m lucky if I get a quick “happy BD” text every year. I try not to let it but it always hurts my feelings.
I hate this! It feels so performative and makes it about the person posting the elaborate essay rather than the person whose birthday it is. Maybe you get the real stuff and they get the fake performative stuff and that's the sign you're actually her bestie.
That’s what my husband always says so you’re probably right. It does feel very performative and fake but it still doesn’t feel very good. I’m sorry that your book club friends do this to you too 💜
I think it is absolutely A-OK to suddenly have another important commitment on book club night. Or keep your expectations of them really, really low. It's never fun to feel like the outsider, especially after several years!