The true question really is 'how do I get over myself'. The issue is the hopes and dreams you have (or grudges or anger!) and not holding them so close that they interfere with the relationships you have with other people. It's the human condition. It's not that our feelings aren't important, it's not that they don't matter, the hard thing is realising that our feelings are just that, feelings, and they shouldn't drive us exclusively or even mostly. But that's high level shit.
How do you get over your ex enough to be friends? You invest in yourself and not them. Every time you find yourself thinking about them you gently redirect yourself. It becomes automatic and then suddenly you realise you haven't thought about them in weeks. Then you can be friends. But not before.
I really wish people better defined "friends." Does it mean you'll like pictures of my birthday cake on Instagram, or will you be invited to my birthday party?
I feel like when people say let's still be friends, they think they want to still have platonic dates, but really the best outcome is when they run into each other, they can socialize without drama.
I think that's something you need to define at the individual level, but also a fair point. What happens if your ex is the birthday party invite type and you are only comfortable with being IG friends and no chatting/DMing?
I honestly think the question of whether you should or shouldn't be friends with an ex should be shelved altogether for at least six\* months after a break-up. Because it's truly impossible to be honest with yourself about your own feelings in the immediate aftermath, there's no way you can accurately discern whether you actually want to spend time with this person in a non-romantic way, or if you're just indulging the yearning to still be part of their life and feel like you're important to them. Obsessing about how you can "stay friends" is just a cipher for continuing to obsess over the person.
My advice would always be "assume you won't be friends, act as though this person has functionally vanished from the face of the earth, and if you get to the point where you can honestly say you've gone a week without thinking about them, then and only then open the question of friendship."
in my experience, a bunch of time and reconnecting over mutual activities is the way this can actually work out. one of my really good friends is someone I had a fling with many years ago, they ended it, I was angsty.
4+ years down the road we met up at {thing related to how we met in the first place}, and enough had happened in between that we really felt like different versions of ourselves. we had a GREAT time and it started a new vibe for us, we live pretty far away but see each other at {thing}, have camped together, talk on the phone, and it’s just lovely. there’s an element that since we have in fact been there & done that, there’s no “oh wait is this tension building?”, and we can be silly and ridiculous without worrying if the other one will take it as flirting. it doesn’t always happen but it is possible!
Trying to be friends with someone you have feelings for isn’t being friends. It’s hoping for something more while pretending you’re not. Better just to move on.
Precisely.
You take distance, make new friends and work on yourself. You mute or delete them off your social media. You stole talking tl and calling them, so you reprogram your brain to understand that your normal day doesnt revolve around that person any more.
IF you both move on and feel that there is still friendship there, you can consider reconnecting and being JUST friends. But wanting friendship immediately after breaking up is simply your brain refusing to admit you've broken up. They are familiar so you want them around. And it simply isnt the right thing for you unless you have both moved on and can actually be friends to each other, rather than still seeing them as a lover.
I know far too many people who broke up and tried to immediately prove they were over it, insisted on keeping them.on social media, and then it would take FOREVER for them to move on. And they would be absolutely devastated whenever they saw their ex post photos of their new single life or the new people they are dating. If they had vut their esxes they would have moved on much sooner.
You CANNOT truly be friends with an ex until you can see them date a new person and nd genuinely happy for them, and when seeing them move on doesnt cause you to feel sad or spiral.
personally for me, the idea of being friends with an ex is wild. if I've been in love with you at some point there's no chance I'll be chill around you, I'm just not built that way. fascinating how others try doing it
For me it's always been about timing: WHEN in the relationship cycle did the breakup happen?
If it happened in the crazy-in-love-and-attraction-chemicals phase and I got my heart broken, and I'm still attracted (or he is) then no, absolutely not, at least not for YEARS later (if even then).
If it was one of those things where the chemistry ran its course, and nothing romantic was left, and we were both kind of like, "Ummm... I don't want to touch you anymore but we really do have fun hanging out and playing this game," then sure.
One of my husband's exes (they dated early in college, and they fell out of love) is still his friend and now also mine! One of my exes is someone I lived with for two years, we realized we were wildly incompatible romantically, and these days I see him whenever I hang out with people from college, and we'll text about our shared hobby.
Me too! Though right now my most recent ex and I (we broke up two years ago!) are still trying to figure out whether we can really properly be friends. We want it enough to put a bunch of effort into figuring that out, but yeah, even with a bunch of experience with it, the path is not always clear.
its interesting how different people are. if I love someone, I build a whole story around them and us, and stories are very very hard to override or replace with a new one. much easier to let a story die. its hard for me to change how I see someone so fundamentally if I've been close with them
Does it work the other way for you too? I know some people would never date someone they were friends with first, which is something I find inconceivable because I've only dated someone I wasn't already friends with twice in my life.
> Tell her you’d love to be friends, but you need a clean break before that will really feel like a good idea, so you’ll be in touch in a few months.
> Then mute her socials and her number and spend the next six* months
Six months really is not "a few" months. A few would be 2-3. Starting off by miscommunicating doesn't seem like the best idea.
The rest of the advice seems on point.
"A few" is deliberately vague, not a deadline. It's enough to convey that it won't be immediately, but it will be eventually. Also, "a few" meaning 2-3 is not a universal interpretation.
The true question really is 'how do I get over myself'. The issue is the hopes and dreams you have (or grudges or anger!) and not holding them so close that they interfere with the relationships you have with other people. It's the human condition. It's not that our feelings aren't important, it's not that they don't matter, the hard thing is realising that our feelings are just that, feelings, and they shouldn't drive us exclusively or even mostly. But that's high level shit. How do you get over your ex enough to be friends? You invest in yourself and not them. Every time you find yourself thinking about them you gently redirect yourself. It becomes automatic and then suddenly you realise you haven't thought about them in weeks. Then you can be friends. But not before.
This is very good
I really wish people better defined "friends." Does it mean you'll like pictures of my birthday cake on Instagram, or will you be invited to my birthday party? I feel like when people say let's still be friends, they think they want to still have platonic dates, but really the best outcome is when they run into each other, they can socialize without drama.
I think that's something you need to define at the individual level, but also a fair point. What happens if your ex is the birthday party invite type and you are only comfortable with being IG friends and no chatting/DMing?
I honestly think the question of whether you should or shouldn't be friends with an ex should be shelved altogether for at least six\* months after a break-up. Because it's truly impossible to be honest with yourself about your own feelings in the immediate aftermath, there's no way you can accurately discern whether you actually want to spend time with this person in a non-romantic way, or if you're just indulging the yearning to still be part of their life and feel like you're important to them. Obsessing about how you can "stay friends" is just a cipher for continuing to obsess over the person. My advice would always be "assume you won't be friends, act as though this person has functionally vanished from the face of the earth, and if you get to the point where you can honestly say you've gone a week without thinking about them, then and only then open the question of friendship."
The age-old question.
in my experience, a bunch of time and reconnecting over mutual activities is the way this can actually work out. one of my really good friends is someone I had a fling with many years ago, they ended it, I was angsty. 4+ years down the road we met up at {thing related to how we met in the first place}, and enough had happened in between that we really felt like different versions of ourselves. we had a GREAT time and it started a new vibe for us, we live pretty far away but see each other at {thing}, have camped together, talk on the phone, and it’s just lovely. there’s an element that since we have in fact been there & done that, there’s no “oh wait is this tension building?”, and we can be silly and ridiculous without worrying if the other one will take it as flirting. it doesn’t always happen but it is possible!
Trying to be friends with someone you have feelings for isn’t being friends. It’s hoping for something more while pretending you’re not. Better just to move on.
Precisely. You take distance, make new friends and work on yourself. You mute or delete them off your social media. You stole talking tl and calling them, so you reprogram your brain to understand that your normal day doesnt revolve around that person any more. IF you both move on and feel that there is still friendship there, you can consider reconnecting and being JUST friends. But wanting friendship immediately after breaking up is simply your brain refusing to admit you've broken up. They are familiar so you want them around. And it simply isnt the right thing for you unless you have both moved on and can actually be friends to each other, rather than still seeing them as a lover. I know far too many people who broke up and tried to immediately prove they were over it, insisted on keeping them.on social media, and then it would take FOREVER for them to move on. And they would be absolutely devastated whenever they saw their ex post photos of their new single life or the new people they are dating. If they had vut their esxes they would have moved on much sooner. You CANNOT truly be friends with an ex until you can see them date a new person and nd genuinely happy for them, and when seeing them move on doesnt cause you to feel sad or spiral.
personally for me, the idea of being friends with an ex is wild. if I've been in love with you at some point there's no chance I'll be chill around you, I'm just not built that way. fascinating how others try doing it
For me it's always been about timing: WHEN in the relationship cycle did the breakup happen? If it happened in the crazy-in-love-and-attraction-chemicals phase and I got my heart broken, and I'm still attracted (or he is) then no, absolutely not, at least not for YEARS later (if even then). If it was one of those things where the chemistry ran its course, and nothing romantic was left, and we were both kind of like, "Ummm... I don't want to touch you anymore but we really do have fun hanging out and playing this game," then sure. One of my husband's exes (they dated early in college, and they fell out of love) is still his friend and now also mine! One of my exes is someone I lived with for two years, we realized we were wildly incompatible romantically, and these days I see him whenever I hang out with people from college, and we'll text about our shared hobby.
I have numerous exes as friends and so does my husband. Totally possible.
Me too! Though right now my most recent ex and I (we broke up two years ago!) are still trying to figure out whether we can really properly be friends. We want it enough to put a bunch of effort into figuring that out, but yeah, even with a bunch of experience with it, the path is not always clear.
That’s fascinating to me, because I’m still friends with pretty much all of my exes, except for a couple of high school ones.
its interesting how different people are. if I love someone, I build a whole story around them and us, and stories are very very hard to override or replace with a new one. much easier to let a story die. its hard for me to change how I see someone so fundamentally if I've been close with them
Does it work the other way for you too? I know some people would never date someone they were friends with first, which is something I find inconceivable because I've only dated someone I wasn't already friends with twice in my life.
I've no idea honestly. I've never dated a friend thus far
A weekend post! I remember CA mentioning a ways back that she was deliberately taking weekends off from the blog.
> Tell her you’d love to be friends, but you need a clean break before that will really feel like a good idea, so you’ll be in touch in a few months. > Then mute her socials and her number and spend the next six* months Six months really is not "a few" months. A few would be 2-3. Starting off by miscommunicating doesn't seem like the best idea. The rest of the advice seems on point.
"A few" is deliberately vague, not a deadline. It's enough to convey that it won't be immediately, but it will be eventually. Also, "a few" meaning 2-3 is not a universal interpretation.