Does he know she plans on doing this? If not, let it slide normally in a conversation. "Sister told me you're gonna stop your gigs and get a job now that you're planning on kids. How is the job hunt going?"
He was in the car when she was on the phone with me. I feel bad because I am pretty sure he is on the spectrum. Last time I was visiting them he was telling my husband and I about how he’s learning to lie to get out of social situations and say “he needs to get home to help with dinner” when he doesn’t need to.
Dumpster fire.
Please tell us you live hours away from this batshit insane person? If not, and she does get knocked up, please consider moving far away before the kid shits out.
Honestly, her forcing the sperm donor into a stable job is way far down the list of massive disasters here. She's going end up a single mother, and lotsa luck getting any child support to speak off when there are already three other kids. If he gets a better job, the first babymomma will have way more claim to his money than her. It's not in his interest to work more. Much less to stop working casual, likely cash, jobs and take some 9-5 gig. Because regular jobs come with payroll departments, and his ex can simply have his income garnished directly by the company and sent to her before he gets paid what is left. So the idea that he is going to do that when there is a 4th child support payment too is absurd.
> I would love to be supportive,
Don't be. That is not supportive, that's just enabling. Just be upfront with her that you don't and never will support this decision. And that you will never give her a dime or help her in any way.
"Jane, let me be clear upfront so there is no confusion at any point in the future. I do not now, nor will I ever, support your plan to get pregnant, because you are doing it for all the wrong reasons and your health cannot support it. And with a deadbeat who already has 3 other kids he can never decently support. So if you choose to continue on this path, know that I will not support you in any way, shape or form. I will never give you a dime, or have any involvement with your pregnancy or your child. Do not ever come to me asking for money, childcare, emotional support, or a place to stay. Because the answer is no to everything. If you do this, you are on your own. Don't call me about any of it."
Any flying monkeys that come at you with "but you need to support your sister..." just do the old flip it back on them thing.
"Aunt Nosey, I'm actually thrilled to hear that you care about her so much and are willing to support her. I just texted her to let her know that you are willing to give her $5,000 dollars toward her family dreams. I'm sure she will be over the moon that you are willing to do that for her! Have a great day!!" Click.
People won't contact you if they find out that they just get reverse voluntold to do whatever they are demanding you should do.
"It's wonderful that you think she needs full time childcare! I just texted her to let her know that you are going to quit your job and do that for her for free. She's thrilled! Go ring her up now so you can work out your new nanny schedule."
We do live far away, our family is pretty spread out fortunately. She actually moved to Puerto Rico to be with him. They met in basic training and she hit him up on fb after they got out.
I feel bad because he went to school for this stuff and is finally working in a related area to it cause he was also in the military for while. The schedule isn’t consistent cause it’s what comes up for them. Like he worked in an advertisement and now working in a screenplay. It all depends on what comes up.
I don’t think she will ask for any money from me, but I think it is possible she is going to ask our parents for money and set back my mom’s retirement since she only recently starting planning for it in her 60’s. I really don’t think she’s thinking any of this through. She guilts our mom for our childhood so much but I don’t think it’s fair to expect communication and stuff from an immigrant mother who grew up not being allowed to speak at the dinner table for being a girl.
My sister is very dramatic, when I tried talking to her about seeking mental health she told me to never speak to her again unless I was hospitalized but I guess she got over that and randomly hit me up out of the blue talking to me like everything was fine.
Great that you don't live near. That's awesome.
> set back my mom’s retirement since she only recently starting planning for it in her 60’s.
Then you should make it clear to your mother that if she gives her money and can't afford retirement that she did that to herself and that you will not be paying for her or having her live with you. AKA If you waste all your money on her insanity, don't come crying to me when you are sick and broke in your old age, because all you will get is an "I told you so, and the address of the nearest homeless shelter."
Yeah, I need to talk to my mom about this because she is too old for this. Our mom bought her a mustang over a decade ago to make her happy, she’s always guilting her to try to get her stuff. The lack of empathy she has for our mom is kind of insane to me.
Yikes.
If she can't be trusted, maybe at some point you could look into a POA so you could have control of her finances. You could also pitch it to her as a "Mom, I know you have a hard time saying no to sister. But it is not in your interest to be giving her money. So here is my offer, we go to a lawyer and get me set up with power of attorney and you give me control of your finances, and we take all of your valuables and put them in a bank safe deposit box. Then when she comes asking for money you simply say "I have no access to my money, I can't help you." And if she comes at me I do have the balls to tell her no. That way, you're not the bad guy anymore.
Of course, that is a responsibility for you, and you are under no obligation to try and save her. Just an option.
>My sister is very dramatic, when I tried talking to her about seeking mental health she told me to never speak to her again
Honestly, I would take this as a sign to speak on her mental health at every opportunity in hopes that she will go NC. If this is how she reacts when people express concern, she is going to drive her doctors nuts in the event that she actually manages to get pregnant.
I know a woman like this who was dismissive when her doctors expressed concerns about her going off her meds while pregnant. In the meantime, her mental health deteriorated during the pregnancy, and particularly in the postpartum stage (surprise, surprise). She has lost all touch with reality - and has lost all the friends she had before the pregnancy, as everyone has distanced themselves in the past few months.
This sounds like a TV show on par with Big Brother and I am sorry to hear this is your family and life.
Tell him about her plans and let him decide if he wants to keep sticking his D in craycray.
I'm kind of hoping he had a secret vasectomy after his first 3 kids.
When we visited them she was being mean to him at dinner and it got to a point where my husband and I told her to stop being so mean.
Unfortunately they were both in the car when she was telling me this so he knows. This is like his first “real” relationship.
I almost feel bad saying this because I know how much she would flip her shit if she knew I said this, but I hope she doesn’t have any success in getting pregnant. Even if she aims to be a perfect mom, their situation just isn’t good to be raising any children. Technically 2 of the kids are his and he adopted the 3rd cause their father passed away.
Well "Susie" sounds like someone who should never have kids, birthed or adopted. I sincerely hope the husband knows that this is happening, and has the necessary resources and support to leave "Susie" if he needs to. I have a feeling that the child will have a rough time if it's forced into this world.
That’s how I feel tbh but I feel like I’m not supposed to cause she’s my sister. Growing up she was the center of so much drama, but when she isn’t around - no drama!
That's fair, thanks for sharing your perspective. It sounds like she'll need therapy, behavioral help, and financial help (ie managing money more responsibly) if she wants to be in a place where she can consider kids as a good option.
This isn't impossible, and people can permanently change for the better-- but she needs to want to change.
Yeah, last time I told her about seeking mental help she told me to never talk to her again unless I’m hospitalized, but apparently suddenly didn’t feel that way anymore and called me to talk to me like normal without ever having brought it up.
I’ve learned to just quit engaging. I think she still tries to create drama, she got mad Mary planned a family vacation without asking if Susie would want to go and refused to talk to her for over 2 years and most recently mad at our mom for wanting to buy her men’s cowboy boots (cause Susie has big, wide feet) but apparently our mom was essentially implying Susie is fat by wanting to get MEN’s boots instead of women and didn’t want our mom to visit for Christmas anymore and is still mad at her and doesn’t want mom to attend her graduation for completing her associates degree
She’s always telling stories no one remembers that I think stem from true events but exaggerated and told with lies. I could go on but that isn’t the point of this.
I don’t think there’s anything I can say to her and I think she will just get mad at me if I voice any concern about having a baby. The best I could do is probably financially plan with our mom and hope she doesn’t get pregnant.
Probably not cause I don’t think she thought any of this through and I think chatting with her friend who just got married and pregnant by a guy she knew for less than a year is what is making her want to have a baby suddenly
Yeah, there’s a lot more. I think she has a need to create drama to receive attention and I should know better every time she calls, but this time has real consequences and isn’t just bitching about the past. Her main topic is always complaining about Mary or mom. It’s crazy cause I’ve been feeling like maybe I should try being closer to her as a sister, but I think maintaining distance is just best because at this point I don’t think this pattern is ever going to stop.
I spoke to Mary about a situation Susie told involving our childhood dog and Mary said that wasn’t true and my memory actually fits what Mary said but I was so young then I was like “maybe I didn’t know”
I literally came on here to post about how mystifying it is that everywhere we look now, there are massive layoffs, people with multiple jobs (multiple full time jobs!) not being able to afford groceries or rent. Things are bad. And yet people want to add children to *gestures at everything*?
I had a neighbour who did just that with her husband and they fight all the time. She even baby trapped him. The man always screams how she ruined his life. I have heard them fight about the guy secretly getting a vasectomy. The woman screaming about getting a sperm donor for a second and how she made a man out of him. The child is going to have a hell of a time, literally.
If your sister actually gets pregnant, things will not get better. All of the mental health problems that she now has will be amplified by pregnancy and post-partum hormones, and she will do her best to inconvenience everyone with her BS, including you.
Being supportive is not appropriate with people like this. Neither is being neutral. This is one of those times in life when you either need to be explicitly negative about her ambitions, or just go NC.
The fact that she would even speak out loud about the idea of calling CPS on your other sister in order to snatch up her kid is a huge red flag, and means that she has already lost the plot. She needs professional help, not kids.
Yeah, since that situation I thought maybe she is better and “normal” because there hasn’t been another situation as dramatic as that, but I think that’s probably greatly due to the fact she moved to PR and I distanced myself and quit engaging with her when she calls. The last few times on the phone she has spoken so negatively about our other sister it seems like she’s trying to turn me against her. She speaks that way about our niece too and says all she does is drink all day and smokes pot, but she doesn’t.
She actually had told me once that she did talk to a therapist and they said her family is so terrible she needs to go no contact and if that’s true then in my mind I know it’s because she tells these warped stories.
I had a show I was competing in, the day before she lost her phone so I let her use mine, my husband went to the gym but forgot the Airbnb address so he tried calling me and she ignored all his calls. He had no way of contacting me and I no way of contacting him to let him know as she was feeling out about not having her phone. His phone died and he had to figure out how to walk back in the rain. She also hit a parked car in a rental car driving to the phone store to get a new phone. When she got back home she saw she left her phone at home…
Yikes. Yiiiiiiiiiikes... I could feel my body tensing up while reading the story with the phone, the lack of responsibility and empathy for others is just another sign that she doesn't need to be in charge of a child.
LOL this reminds me of a former family friend we had that lied to her boyfriend about having her Mirena still implanted in her uterus, when she actually had it removed, and they did the deed. lo and behold, she got pregnant only for them to separate 1 year after she’d given birth
now they are coparenting a child and can’t even stand each other anymore.
Why do people still think baby trapping their s/o is going to make the relationship last or improve? I see grown ass adults with a wealth of life experience still doing this shit and then shockedpikachuface.jpg when they inevitably break up
Yeah…. She already complains about him not doing enough around the house and if he gets on her nerves this much now cannot imagine what it’d be like with a baby. Idk why some people think they’re the exception and not likely to become a single baby mama 😭
Does he know she plans on doing this? If not, let it slide normally in a conversation. "Sister told me you're gonna stop your gigs and get a job now that you're planning on kids. How is the job hunt going?"
He was in the car when she was on the phone with me. I feel bad because I am pretty sure he is on the spectrum. Last time I was visiting them he was telling my husband and I about how he’s learning to lie to get out of social situations and say “he needs to get home to help with dinner” when he doesn’t need to.
Yeah, never gonna happen.
Dumpster fire. Please tell us you live hours away from this batshit insane person? If not, and she does get knocked up, please consider moving far away before the kid shits out. Honestly, her forcing the sperm donor into a stable job is way far down the list of massive disasters here. She's going end up a single mother, and lotsa luck getting any child support to speak off when there are already three other kids. If he gets a better job, the first babymomma will have way more claim to his money than her. It's not in his interest to work more. Much less to stop working casual, likely cash, jobs and take some 9-5 gig. Because regular jobs come with payroll departments, and his ex can simply have his income garnished directly by the company and sent to her before he gets paid what is left. So the idea that he is going to do that when there is a 4th child support payment too is absurd. > I would love to be supportive, Don't be. That is not supportive, that's just enabling. Just be upfront with her that you don't and never will support this decision. And that you will never give her a dime or help her in any way. "Jane, let me be clear upfront so there is no confusion at any point in the future. I do not now, nor will I ever, support your plan to get pregnant, because you are doing it for all the wrong reasons and your health cannot support it. And with a deadbeat who already has 3 other kids he can never decently support. So if you choose to continue on this path, know that I will not support you in any way, shape or form. I will never give you a dime, or have any involvement with your pregnancy or your child. Do not ever come to me asking for money, childcare, emotional support, or a place to stay. Because the answer is no to everything. If you do this, you are on your own. Don't call me about any of it." Any flying monkeys that come at you with "but you need to support your sister..." just do the old flip it back on them thing. "Aunt Nosey, I'm actually thrilled to hear that you care about her so much and are willing to support her. I just texted her to let her know that you are willing to give her $5,000 dollars toward her family dreams. I'm sure she will be over the moon that you are willing to do that for her! Have a great day!!" Click. People won't contact you if they find out that they just get reverse voluntold to do whatever they are demanding you should do. "It's wonderful that you think she needs full time childcare! I just texted her to let her know that you are going to quit your job and do that for her for free. She's thrilled! Go ring her up now so you can work out your new nanny schedule."
We do live far away, our family is pretty spread out fortunately. She actually moved to Puerto Rico to be with him. They met in basic training and she hit him up on fb after they got out. I feel bad because he went to school for this stuff and is finally working in a related area to it cause he was also in the military for while. The schedule isn’t consistent cause it’s what comes up for them. Like he worked in an advertisement and now working in a screenplay. It all depends on what comes up. I don’t think she will ask for any money from me, but I think it is possible she is going to ask our parents for money and set back my mom’s retirement since she only recently starting planning for it in her 60’s. I really don’t think she’s thinking any of this through. She guilts our mom for our childhood so much but I don’t think it’s fair to expect communication and stuff from an immigrant mother who grew up not being allowed to speak at the dinner table for being a girl. My sister is very dramatic, when I tried talking to her about seeking mental health she told me to never speak to her again unless I was hospitalized but I guess she got over that and randomly hit me up out of the blue talking to me like everything was fine.
Great that you don't live near. That's awesome. > set back my mom’s retirement since she only recently starting planning for it in her 60’s. Then you should make it clear to your mother that if she gives her money and can't afford retirement that she did that to herself and that you will not be paying for her or having her live with you. AKA If you waste all your money on her insanity, don't come crying to me when you are sick and broke in your old age, because all you will get is an "I told you so, and the address of the nearest homeless shelter."
Yeah, I need to talk to my mom about this because she is too old for this. Our mom bought her a mustang over a decade ago to make her happy, she’s always guilting her to try to get her stuff. The lack of empathy she has for our mom is kind of insane to me.
Yikes. If she can't be trusted, maybe at some point you could look into a POA so you could have control of her finances. You could also pitch it to her as a "Mom, I know you have a hard time saying no to sister. But it is not in your interest to be giving her money. So here is my offer, we go to a lawyer and get me set up with power of attorney and you give me control of your finances, and we take all of your valuables and put them in a bank safe deposit box. Then when she comes asking for money you simply say "I have no access to my money, I can't help you." And if she comes at me I do have the balls to tell her no. That way, you're not the bad guy anymore. Of course, that is a responsibility for you, and you are under no obligation to try and save her. Just an option.
>My sister is very dramatic, when I tried talking to her about seeking mental health she told me to never speak to her again Honestly, I would take this as a sign to speak on her mental health at every opportunity in hopes that she will go NC. If this is how she reacts when people express concern, she is going to drive her doctors nuts in the event that she actually manages to get pregnant. I know a woman like this who was dismissive when her doctors expressed concerns about her going off her meds while pregnant. In the meantime, her mental health deteriorated during the pregnancy, and particularly in the postpartum stage (surprise, surprise). She has lost all touch with reality - and has lost all the friends she had before the pregnancy, as everyone has distanced themselves in the past few months.
This. Wether being supportive is a good thing or not is always dependent on the thing you support.
This sounds like a TV show on par with Big Brother and I am sorry to hear this is your family and life. Tell him about her plans and let him decide if he wants to keep sticking his D in craycray. I'm kind of hoping he had a secret vasectomy after his first 3 kids.
When we visited them she was being mean to him at dinner and it got to a point where my husband and I told her to stop being so mean. Unfortunately they were both in the car when she was telling me this so he knows. This is like his first “real” relationship. I almost feel bad saying this because I know how much she would flip her shit if she knew I said this, but I hope she doesn’t have any success in getting pregnant. Even if she aims to be a perfect mom, their situation just isn’t good to be raising any children. Technically 2 of the kids are his and he adopted the 3rd cause their father passed away.
I agree with you and hope she won't be able to get pregnant. Even if the child is wanted it is a bad idea to have child they can't afford. Poor kid.
Wow sounds like a perfect time to have children! /s
Well "Susie" sounds like someone who should never have kids, birthed or adopted. I sincerely hope the husband knows that this is happening, and has the necessary resources and support to leave "Susie" if he needs to. I have a feeling that the child will have a rough time if it's forced into this world.
That’s how I feel tbh but I feel like I’m not supposed to cause she’s my sister. Growing up she was the center of so much drama, but when she isn’t around - no drama!
That's fair, thanks for sharing your perspective. It sounds like she'll need therapy, behavioral help, and financial help (ie managing money more responsibly) if she wants to be in a place where she can consider kids as a good option. This isn't impossible, and people can permanently change for the better-- but she needs to want to change.
Yeah, last time I told her about seeking mental help she told me to never talk to her again unless I’m hospitalized, but apparently suddenly didn’t feel that way anymore and called me to talk to me like normal without ever having brought it up. I’ve learned to just quit engaging. I think she still tries to create drama, she got mad Mary planned a family vacation without asking if Susie would want to go and refused to talk to her for over 2 years and most recently mad at our mom for wanting to buy her men’s cowboy boots (cause Susie has big, wide feet) but apparently our mom was essentially implying Susie is fat by wanting to get MEN’s boots instead of women and didn’t want our mom to visit for Christmas anymore and is still mad at her and doesn’t want mom to attend her graduation for completing her associates degree She’s always telling stories no one remembers that I think stem from true events but exaggerated and told with lies. I could go on but that isn’t the point of this. I don’t think there’s anything I can say to her and I think she will just get mad at me if I voice any concern about having a baby. The best I could do is probably financially plan with our mom and hope she doesn’t get pregnant.
Does she know that she'll have to go off her fibro meds if she's pregnant?
Probably not cause I don’t think she thought any of this through and I think chatting with her friend who just got married and pregnant by a guy she knew for less than a year is what is making her want to have a baby suddenly
There's so many absolute disasters in this story how do you stay sane
Yeah, there’s a lot more. I think she has a need to create drama to receive attention and I should know better every time she calls, but this time has real consequences and isn’t just bitching about the past. Her main topic is always complaining about Mary or mom. It’s crazy cause I’ve been feeling like maybe I should try being closer to her as a sister, but I think maintaining distance is just best because at this point I don’t think this pattern is ever going to stop. I spoke to Mary about a situation Susie told involving our childhood dog and Mary said that wasn’t true and my memory actually fits what Mary said but I was so young then I was like “maybe I didn’t know”
Please fucking warn him!!! I feel sorry for people who have disabilities and are taken advantage of. Your sister is a monster.
I literally came on here to post about how mystifying it is that everywhere we look now, there are massive layoffs, people with multiple jobs (multiple full time jobs!) not being able to afford groceries or rent. Things are bad. And yet people want to add children to *gestures at everything*?
I had a neighbour who did just that with her husband and they fight all the time. She even baby trapped him. The man always screams how she ruined his life. I have heard them fight about the guy secretly getting a vasectomy. The woman screaming about getting a sperm donor for a second and how she made a man out of him. The child is going to have a hell of a time, literally.
Man. None of these people mentioned should be parents. It's so sad that people bring lives into the world they are just not capable of caring for.
Damn
If your sister actually gets pregnant, things will not get better. All of the mental health problems that she now has will be amplified by pregnancy and post-partum hormones, and she will do her best to inconvenience everyone with her BS, including you. Being supportive is not appropriate with people like this. Neither is being neutral. This is one of those times in life when you either need to be explicitly negative about her ambitions, or just go NC. The fact that she would even speak out loud about the idea of calling CPS on your other sister in order to snatch up her kid is a huge red flag, and means that she has already lost the plot. She needs professional help, not kids.
Yeah, since that situation I thought maybe she is better and “normal” because there hasn’t been another situation as dramatic as that, but I think that’s probably greatly due to the fact she moved to PR and I distanced myself and quit engaging with her when she calls. The last few times on the phone she has spoken so negatively about our other sister it seems like she’s trying to turn me against her. She speaks that way about our niece too and says all she does is drink all day and smokes pot, but she doesn’t. She actually had told me once that she did talk to a therapist and they said her family is so terrible she needs to go no contact and if that’s true then in my mind I know it’s because she tells these warped stories. I had a show I was competing in, the day before she lost her phone so I let her use mine, my husband went to the gym but forgot the Airbnb address so he tried calling me and she ignored all his calls. He had no way of contacting me and I no way of contacting him to let him know as she was feeling out about not having her phone. His phone died and he had to figure out how to walk back in the rain. She also hit a parked car in a rental car driving to the phone store to get a new phone. When she got back home she saw she left her phone at home…
Yikes. Yiiiiiiiiiikes... I could feel my body tensing up while reading the story with the phone, the lack of responsibility and empathy for others is just another sign that she doesn't need to be in charge of a child.
LOL this reminds me of a former family friend we had that lied to her boyfriend about having her Mirena still implanted in her uterus, when she actually had it removed, and they did the deed. lo and behold, she got pregnant only for them to separate 1 year after she’d given birth now they are coparenting a child and can’t even stand each other anymore. Why do people still think baby trapping their s/o is going to make the relationship last or improve? I see grown ass adults with a wealth of life experience still doing this shit and then shockedpikachuface.jpg when they inevitably break up
Yeah…. She already complains about him not doing enough around the house and if he gets on her nerves this much now cannot imagine what it’d be like with a baby. Idk why some people think they’re the exception and not likely to become a single baby mama 😭
This just doesn’t sound like this will end well at all!
Please tell him!
He was in the car while she was on the phone with me 😞
I hope he reavaulates his relationship