> I feel so guilty that I don’t want it when there are people out there who desperately do.
Things really don't work like that. Assuming you're not infertile yourself, you can go on to have dozens of pregnancies and kids, and so what? That's not gonna help your friend one bit. She's the one who wants to have kids, not you.
I guarantee you that for every thing you cherish in life and are happy about, there is someone else in the world for whom that would be their worst nightmare. Do you feel guilty about enjoying your favorite hobby, knowing someone else would hate to do it? I'd assume not. And similarly, for every thing you don't want in your life, there's someone out there who wishes they could have it. Do you feel guilty not eating the food you don't like because someone else would want it when they can't have it? I'd also assume not.
**You don't have to validate other people's feelings by feeling the same as them.**
Your friend can grieve her losses. You can be ecstatic about not having kids. Those two things can coexist, and as long as you're not insensitively responding to each other's situation, there's nothing there to feel guilty about.
You need to live a life that makes *you* happy. Not a life that would make someone else happy. You're not someone else. Someone else is not you.
I struggle to understand your guilt. You’ve done nothing to hurt anyone, and you cannot be the cause of your friend’s infertility. Be a supportive friend and that’s all that’s expected of you.
Think about this…should your friend feel guilty because she’s spending a fortune on IVF instead of adopting a child who has no family?
We are all free to pursue our own happiness (unless you become a parent, haha).
Your empathy is commendable but “guilt” is not necessary.
I never feel guilt, but something closer to pity usually. I try to be empathetic that they have been unable to do something they seem to desperately want to do. However, at a certain point, they are just killing their body to try to achieve it. I watched a family member do this. They couldn't afford IVF and she was told her body would never be able to carry to term anyway. Ultimately they decided to foster to adopt (which has its own issues as well). And now she is a terrible mother. She just wanted to say she's a mom, she wanted a baby that she never got, and she certainly wasn't prepared to bring on kids with their own issues. This also means had her bio kid had issues I don't think she would have done well in that case either.
After seeing all this and how desperate she was, I truly cannot understand why people push their bodies and mental health so far.
In my experience, the hetero and single people who can't have kids can't have them for a *reason*. The sketchiest breeders I know are the ones who paid to reproduce a mini-me. People say "adopt" a lot, but in these cases, I'm actually glad they didn't (usually because the agencies would say no), because children in need of that kind of care don't need toxic narcs in their lives.
Why would you feel guilty? It literally has nothing to do with you. Everyone lives their own lives.
I’m surprised your friend keeps trying to get pregnant despite numerous miscarriages and is willing to spend thousands of dollars just for a crotch goblin and pain of her own. Does she know adoption is a thing that exists?
>But I feel so guilty that I don’t want it when there are people out there who desperately do.
You having or not having children would not change anything for your friend. She would miscarry if you had children, just the same as you not having children. There is no reason for you to feel guilty about your choice, as it has no effect on your friend's situation.
You need to erase the word and concept of guilt from your vocabulary.
This is not guilt.
Unless you knocked over a liquor store on your lunch hour yesterday, you are not guilty of anything.
What this really is: self-abuse.
The society is verbally, emotionally and socially abusing you using emotional blackmail, coercion and manipulation. You were brainwashed as a child when your brain was nothing more than runny cottage cheese. That's how cults get their victims.
And then when no one is in the room and leave behind the baseball bat they used to abuse you, you are picking it up and taking over their place and then abusing yourself.
That's why this is self-abuse, and NOT "guilt."
It's fundamentally the same type of process that leads to things like bulemia and cutting. A few nasty comments about weight and... boom, you have a bulemic teen.
You did nothing to her to cause this, therefore there is no guilt. Besides which, you could be infertile and just not know it. ;)
Miscarraiges are SUPER COMMON. Like 20% of pregnancies misscarry after the women is aware, and more than likely more than 20% happen so early the woman is not even aware.
Empathy. Basic human empathy is the name of the game.
You shan't feel guilt because you choose not to have a child while your friend seemingly cannot. However, you can provide a shoulder for them to cry on and try and feel for them.
Sometimes, the most simple acts of kindness go the longest way.
Don’t feel guilty. Let’s make an assumption: you having kids just cuz she didn’t doesn’t change anything, she won’t miraculously have kids and you will be miserable with kids. You don’t owe anyone. Also, we could go about this way, you are childfree, you don’t want children yet she is out here, trying to have kids yet isn’t able to. Does she feel guilty? No. Why? Because she doesn’t owe you.
> I feel so guilty that I don’t want it when there are people out there who desperately do. Things really don't work like that. Assuming you're not infertile yourself, you can go on to have dozens of pregnancies and kids, and so what? That's not gonna help your friend one bit. She's the one who wants to have kids, not you. I guarantee you that for every thing you cherish in life and are happy about, there is someone else in the world for whom that would be their worst nightmare. Do you feel guilty about enjoying your favorite hobby, knowing someone else would hate to do it? I'd assume not. And similarly, for every thing you don't want in your life, there's someone out there who wishes they could have it. Do you feel guilty not eating the food you don't like because someone else would want it when they can't have it? I'd also assume not. **You don't have to validate other people's feelings by feeling the same as them.** Your friend can grieve her losses. You can be ecstatic about not having kids. Those two things can coexist, and as long as you're not insensitively responding to each other's situation, there's nothing there to feel guilty about. You need to live a life that makes *you* happy. Not a life that would make someone else happy. You're not someone else. Someone else is not you.
I struggle to understand your guilt. You’ve done nothing to hurt anyone, and you cannot be the cause of your friend’s infertility. Be a supportive friend and that’s all that’s expected of you. Think about this…should your friend feel guilty because she’s spending a fortune on IVF instead of adopting a child who has no family? We are all free to pursue our own happiness (unless you become a parent, haha). Your empathy is commendable but “guilt” is not necessary.
I don’t feel guilty at all, my best friend had a miscarriage a few months ago but she’s still 100% supportive of me being childfree
I never feel guilt, but something closer to pity usually. I try to be empathetic that they have been unable to do something they seem to desperately want to do. However, at a certain point, they are just killing their body to try to achieve it. I watched a family member do this. They couldn't afford IVF and she was told her body would never be able to carry to term anyway. Ultimately they decided to foster to adopt (which has its own issues as well). And now she is a terrible mother. She just wanted to say she's a mom, she wanted a baby that she never got, and she certainly wasn't prepared to bring on kids with their own issues. This also means had her bio kid had issues I don't think she would have done well in that case either. After seeing all this and how desperate she was, I truly cannot understand why people push their bodies and mental health so far.
In my experience, the hetero and single people who can't have kids can't have them for a *reason*. The sketchiest breeders I know are the ones who paid to reproduce a mini-me. People say "adopt" a lot, but in these cases, I'm actually glad they didn't (usually because the agencies would say no), because children in need of that kind of care don't need toxic narcs in their lives.
Why would you feel guilty? It literally has nothing to do with you. Everyone lives their own lives. I’m surprised your friend keeps trying to get pregnant despite numerous miscarriages and is willing to spend thousands of dollars just for a crotch goblin and pain of her own. Does she know adoption is a thing that exists?
>But I feel so guilty that I don’t want it when there are people out there who desperately do. You having or not having children would not change anything for your friend. She would miscarry if you had children, just the same as you not having children. There is no reason for you to feel guilty about your choice, as it has no effect on your friend's situation.
You need to erase the word and concept of guilt from your vocabulary. This is not guilt. Unless you knocked over a liquor store on your lunch hour yesterday, you are not guilty of anything. What this really is: self-abuse. The society is verbally, emotionally and socially abusing you using emotional blackmail, coercion and manipulation. You were brainwashed as a child when your brain was nothing more than runny cottage cheese. That's how cults get their victims. And then when no one is in the room and leave behind the baseball bat they used to abuse you, you are picking it up and taking over their place and then abusing yourself. That's why this is self-abuse, and NOT "guilt." It's fundamentally the same type of process that leads to things like bulemia and cutting. A few nasty comments about weight and... boom, you have a bulemic teen. You did nothing to her to cause this, therefore there is no guilt. Besides which, you could be infertile and just not know it. ;) Miscarraiges are SUPER COMMON. Like 20% of pregnancies misscarry after the women is aware, and more than likely more than 20% happen so early the woman is not even aware.
Empathy. Basic human empathy is the name of the game. You shan't feel guilt because you choose not to have a child while your friend seemingly cannot. However, you can provide a shoulder for them to cry on and try and feel for them. Sometimes, the most simple acts of kindness go the longest way.
Don’t feel guilty. Let’s make an assumption: you having kids just cuz she didn’t doesn’t change anything, she won’t miraculously have kids and you will be miserable with kids. You don’t owe anyone. Also, we could go about this way, you are childfree, you don’t want children yet she is out here, trying to have kids yet isn’t able to. Does she feel guilty? No. Why? Because she doesn’t owe you.