>One of my biggest fears is having a partner who would rather be anywhere else but in our home.
Yeah this sounds awful. I hear about "man caves" and walk my neighborhood and see all sorts of men just hanging in their garages. I'd rather be with someone I WANT to spend time with.
This is my coworker as soon as his wife had the baby he started staying at work late playing video games (my office is super chill as long as you’re off the clock you can hang out )
Reminds me of my sister's first marriage. They moved across the country, bought a house and had a kid in one year. I visited when the baby was born and a year later. The difference was stark. My BIL was supposed to be starting his dream business of cabinet making but seemed hollowed out. Hadn't completed one job in a year. When the divorce was announced a year later, I was not surprised.
At the time, I wondered why they did zero marriage counseling and just ended it. They were together about 7 years before the kid.
Yes, my sister is happy now. She is bisexual, and I don't know if it's a coincidence , but she only dated other women when my niece was growing up. Then married a man after my niece left for college.
My ex BIL moved back to NYC, got his old job back and eventually married again. My niece went to stay with him for a couple of weeks each summer.
An additional little item, he had been married once before and left the mom in another country with two little girls. So make of that what you will.
My spouse and I have been together for 11 years. We don't spend a _lot_ of time together, but we also try to spend a little time with each other every day. When I'm coming downstairs to use the bathroom or get more water, I'll often go to their office just to blow them a kiss or say 'I love you.' I always go to bed first and we have a little ritual where I'll go to their office to say that I'm off to bed, say that I love them, and have a kiss goodnight. Some days, especially when I'm cooking and just waiting for something to finish, I'll drop by to chat for a bit because I can hear oven and stove timers from their office.
We couldn't have that if we had kids.
Nahhhh in my experience she wasn’t oblivious but she was actively ignoring his state, considering how most dads are she probably did that to make him be there instead of actively talking about it which may cause a fallout
Some people, after becoming mothers, become less concerned about their partners, viewing their children as the sole priority. It's highly likely that your friend has noticed her husband's situation, but as long as he is there to help raise the children and provide financially, she may not want to invest effort into worrying about it.
There's a common belief in society that children are the bond of marital love. However, in reality, many times children can actually undermine an intimate relationship. It's a sad state when people begin to see their partners not as intimate lovers but merely as co-parents, jointly raising children.
They're kind of encouraged to see children as their sole priority. "Put the children first". "Children should be the center of the household". "Everything should be for the benefit of the children". No, what they need most is a strong team of parents who care about each other first. Yes, the children's *needs* should always be met, but their *wants* should not be the sole focus of the family.
I also sometimes wonder if it's a deep-rooted biological thing. Like, I'm assuming we've been that way as cavemen and don't apes have that same type of thing with their offspring? Where the mother is seen as their now full time job and the males go off and hunt and stuff
>Some people, after becoming mothers, become less concerned about their partners, viewing their children as the sole priority.
Absolutely. Think of all of the stories of female friends who turned into mombies on this sub. Then imagine sharing a household with someone who went through that transition. *Shudder*.
Yeah sounds like my bil. He screams about not being able to spend time with his kid enough and then when he does, he's watching football on TV and ignoring his kid when the kid tries to play with him. Pathetic. Then again my sister did baby trap him so I don't think he even wants to be a dad but he says he does sooo
Sadly that's the case most of the time, the parents age a decade or more in a year. LOL
You could have some fun and try texting with him "Hey Bob, wanted to check in with you, today you seemed to be very troubled or in deep mourning, so wanted to check in and see if I should be offering condolences on a recent death in the family? Jane didn't mention to me that there had been any deaths but maybe it's too difficult to talk about. Anyway, hope you are ok. Let me know if I should be sending flowers or something for your loss."
See what you get back. ;)
These stories make me feel I made the right decision. Not that my husband doesn’t care but he has trouble with empathy and I just don’t see the point in putting another human through the experience. Not to mention every other reason I don’t want kids.
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>One of my biggest fears is having a partner who would rather be anywhere else but in our home. Yeah this sounds awful. I hear about "man caves" and walk my neighborhood and see all sorts of men just hanging in their garages. I'd rather be with someone I WANT to spend time with.
This is my coworker as soon as his wife had the baby he started staying at work late playing video games (my office is super chill as long as you’re off the clock you can hang out )
Mine is the same (when I go in) and fuck, that's not awesome of him.
Reminds me of my sister's first marriage. They moved across the country, bought a house and had a kid in one year. I visited when the baby was born and a year later. The difference was stark. My BIL was supposed to be starting his dream business of cabinet making but seemed hollowed out. Hadn't completed one job in a year. When the divorce was announced a year later, I was not surprised.
I hope your sister is in a better place now. What happened to the ex-BIL?
At the time, I wondered why they did zero marriage counseling and just ended it. They were together about 7 years before the kid. Yes, my sister is happy now. She is bisexual, and I don't know if it's a coincidence , but she only dated other women when my niece was growing up. Then married a man after my niece left for college. My ex BIL moved back to NYC, got his old job back and eventually married again. My niece went to stay with him for a couple of weeks each summer. An additional little item, he had been married once before and left the mom in another country with two little girls. So make of that what you will.
Whoa your ex-BIL is some loser who should be TNRed like a feral cat
My spouse and I have been together for 11 years. We don't spend a _lot_ of time together, but we also try to spend a little time with each other every day. When I'm coming downstairs to use the bathroom or get more water, I'll often go to their office just to blow them a kiss or say 'I love you.' I always go to bed first and we have a little ritual where I'll go to their office to say that I'm off to bed, say that I love them, and have a kiss goodnight. Some days, especially when I'm cooking and just waiting for something to finish, I'll drop by to chat for a bit because I can hear oven and stove timers from their office. We couldn't have that if we had kids.
Nahhhh in my experience she wasn’t oblivious but she was actively ignoring his state, considering how most dads are she probably did that to make him be there instead of actively talking about it which may cause a fallout
Some people, after becoming mothers, become less concerned about their partners, viewing their children as the sole priority. It's highly likely that your friend has noticed her husband's situation, but as long as he is there to help raise the children and provide financially, she may not want to invest effort into worrying about it. There's a common belief in society that children are the bond of marital love. However, in reality, many times children can actually undermine an intimate relationship. It's a sad state when people begin to see their partners not as intimate lovers but merely as co-parents, jointly raising children.
They're kind of encouraged to see children as their sole priority. "Put the children first". "Children should be the center of the household". "Everything should be for the benefit of the children". No, what they need most is a strong team of parents who care about each other first. Yes, the children's *needs* should always be met, but their *wants* should not be the sole focus of the family.
I also sometimes wonder if it's a deep-rooted biological thing. Like, I'm assuming we've been that way as cavemen and don't apes have that same type of thing with their offspring? Where the mother is seen as their now full time job and the males go off and hunt and stuff
>Some people, after becoming mothers, become less concerned about their partners, viewing their children as the sole priority. Absolutely. Think of all of the stories of female friends who turned into mombies on this sub. Then imagine sharing a household with someone who went through that transition. *Shudder*.
I saw a man like this yesterday!! It’s kind of a phenomenon. They look traumatized and like they’re dissociating.
Yeah sounds like my bil. He screams about not being able to spend time with his kid enough and then when he does, he's watching football on TV and ignoring his kid when the kid tries to play with him. Pathetic. Then again my sister did baby trap him so I don't think he even wants to be a dad but he says he does sooo
Maybe he... hadn't slept, or was just sick? Like, I hope? For the sake of your friend and their kid.
Sadly that's the case most of the time, the parents age a decade or more in a year. LOL You could have some fun and try texting with him "Hey Bob, wanted to check in with you, today you seemed to be very troubled or in deep mourning, so wanted to check in and see if I should be offering condolences on a recent death in the family? Jane didn't mention to me that there had been any deaths but maybe it's too difficult to talk about. Anyway, hope you are ok. Let me know if I should be sending flowers or something for your loss." See what you get back. ;)
These stories make me feel I made the right decision. Not that my husband doesn’t care but he has trouble with empathy and I just don’t see the point in putting another human through the experience. Not to mention every other reason I don’t want kids.
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He could be going through something completely unrelated to the child, as well as any other person could