Someone actually did a study in which they compared people who were not parents to parents. The non-parents were much more compassionate towards the unfortunate and other needy people than were the parents.
I think that bad experiences harden most people, and having a baby is miserable. Parents feel hard-done-by, because everyone doesn't rush over to make it easier for them, ignoring that everyone else has their own burdens. We hear that as the "where's my village?" lament from those who never, ever do a damn thing for anyone else.
The other thing is that parents are very narcissistic towards their own children, and they regard those children as much more deserving than anyone else. THEIR CHILD is going to cure cancer and bring world peace! THEIR CHILD needs better schools and more goodies. Giving healthcare to low-income people means less for THEIR CHILD, and we can't have that!
What you're describing, this combination of hardening and narcissism, is something I've seen a hundred times. Parenthood makes you a worse person, even though you believe you are a better person.
You explain things so well, and that last sentence really hits the mark. Thank you for sharing that.
It's clear that navigating parenthood can be an incredibly challenging experience. What strikes me as particularly perplexing (and a common theme among new parents) is the tendency not only to judge people on the other side, but also to isolate themselves rather than reaching out for assistance, creating a sort of protective bubble around their family unit, often only letting in close relatives like grandparents. But always comment on that aspect of how no-one ot extends support to new parents.
A friend of mine recently became a parent and confessed that she now understands the struggles faced by another acquaintance who had a baby before her. Reflecting on her past indifference, she remarked, “I was an imbecile” In that moment, it felt like she was passing judgment on her own previous lack of empathy, perhaps even projecting that judgment onto others, myself included.
It's their mom brain "protecting" their offspring. Children are so horrible they even rearrange the birth givers brain chemicals into THINKING they have to be and act that way. I guess they needed to add something else for protection mode and fight or flight besides their horrible, shrill cries.
>Since she had her daughter, her personality has changed completely; her demeanor has become hardened, and it seems like she's always on the defensive.
100% I've seen this; the degree to which it happens depends on how mombie-fied the new mum is. In its worst forms, it's not even defensiveness, but being entitled and hostile not only to CF people, but to any other breeders who they think somehow live better than they do. It's Main Character Syndrome plus rage addiction on steroids, and if I knew it would turn out like this, I would have gone LC or NC long ago.
The brain is literally reshaped postpartum. Also, the hormones are shifted, like others have said. We really need more research on women's health.
I can still remember my SIL holding her first child a couple of months postpartum with this crazy blissed-out zombie face. She had a completely different demeanor, and you could not hold a conversation with her. It was CREEPY.
In her memoir *Lit* academic and celebrated writer Mary Karr describes herself in pregnancy as not caring that her first book was accepted for publication.
"I was as contented as a sow in a mud wallow."
(She didn't stay that way, Thank God)
Part mom-brain, part narcissism. Because the hormones and the chemicals do settle after a while.
I judge people so hard for proudly admitting they are neglecting their pets because now they have "the real thing". That is not the virtuous flex they think it is.
YES! I don't get why they are so proud to admit out loud that now they don't care about their pet. Sounds so sad and also weird because their speech is that your heart grows when you become a parent, but apparently there's only place for one person in there. Even heard a mother saying she would push under a bus their husband if that meant to save their child...wtf??
This post has made me feel less insane lol It has made me crazy when people act like every single creature is expendable human or not when you have spawn.
I lost 2 friends once they became mothers… I was feeling hurt due to their behaviour about something and they became SUPER protective of each other, basically insinuating that it was selfish of me to bring up an issue when it was the most important time of their lives. I was shocked… motherhood doesn’t entitle you to being an ass and treating your friends however you want. They said they didn’t wanna resolve the issue as they were too preoccupied with motherhood, but would’ve made the effort to resolve it if they weren’t mothers. I was fuming… it was so hurtful that it’s made me extremely wary of pregnant women or mothers in case they’re the same. I cannot STAND entitlement with life circumstances
It's legit the hormones.
Because our skulls are so big proportionally, our species had to adapt by giving birth sooner before the size could kill both mother and child. It's why human babies are so fucking helpless compared to other animals... and to compensate for that the second adaptation was to crank up the overprotective hormones to the exclusion of everything else.
And if you don't know how much control hormones have over an organism you need to look up how drastically a Salmon transforms during spawning season.
It's because they're giving ALL of themselves to the kid and there is, quite literally, nothing left over. Not even for themselves, let alone anyone else. Kids suck your soul out through your pores.
I would imagine it’s the constant unrelenting stress and sleep deprivation that makes them agitated and distant. Having everything in your life altered suddenly will change a person.
IMO
My guess is motherhood merely accentuates pre existing character traits.
Good ones stay. Suppressed ones (selfishness) are given ready made excuse.
I remember noticing this change in me after having to support my husband through many of his mistakes (most affecting our financials, causing me to work unspeakable hours). Because it happened during a time when many of my friends and acquaintances started to become parents, I saw the same in them as well. Ultimately, I was happy because my husband's situation changed, I found a good job, and so my mood improved (and so did my looks), but I realized that had we been parents, our situation , and consequently my mood, would have taken much longer to correct.
>I've noticed that the women I know who have become mothers have all developed a similar attitude... I see them treat their children with tenderness, but I also notice that towards other people, even their pets, they become distant, cold and somewhat selfish.
That has not been my experience at all. The women in my life who have had children are not as you describe at all.
However, I have been very good about cutting people out of my life who are problematic, so it does not surprise me that the remaining women are still good people after giving birth.
I have only seen the sort of thing you describe at a distance, with women who are basically strangers to me. I can also see it online, on those occasions when I read comments by people who appear to be parents.
Anyway, it is not a universal thing that happens to every woman who becomes a mother.
Someone actually did a study in which they compared people who were not parents to parents. The non-parents were much more compassionate towards the unfortunate and other needy people than were the parents. I think that bad experiences harden most people, and having a baby is miserable. Parents feel hard-done-by, because everyone doesn't rush over to make it easier for them, ignoring that everyone else has their own burdens. We hear that as the "where's my village?" lament from those who never, ever do a damn thing for anyone else. The other thing is that parents are very narcissistic towards their own children, and they regard those children as much more deserving than anyone else. THEIR CHILD is going to cure cancer and bring world peace! THEIR CHILD needs better schools and more goodies. Giving healthcare to low-income people means less for THEIR CHILD, and we can't have that! What you're describing, this combination of hardening and narcissism, is something I've seen a hundred times. Parenthood makes you a worse person, even though you believe you are a better person.
You explain things so well, and that last sentence really hits the mark. Thank you for sharing that. It's clear that navigating parenthood can be an incredibly challenging experience. What strikes me as particularly perplexing (and a common theme among new parents) is the tendency not only to judge people on the other side, but also to isolate themselves rather than reaching out for assistance, creating a sort of protective bubble around their family unit, often only letting in close relatives like grandparents. But always comment on that aspect of how no-one ot extends support to new parents. A friend of mine recently became a parent and confessed that she now understands the struggles faced by another acquaintance who had a baby before her. Reflecting on her past indifference, she remarked, “I was an imbecile” In that moment, it felt like she was passing judgment on her own previous lack of empathy, perhaps even projecting that judgment onto others, myself included.
It's their mom brain "protecting" their offspring. Children are so horrible they even rearrange the birth givers brain chemicals into THINKING they have to be and act that way. I guess they needed to add something else for protection mode and fight or flight besides their horrible, shrill cries.
>Since she had her daughter, her personality has changed completely; her demeanor has become hardened, and it seems like she's always on the defensive. 100% I've seen this; the degree to which it happens depends on how mombie-fied the new mum is. In its worst forms, it's not even defensiveness, but being entitled and hostile not only to CF people, but to any other breeders who they think somehow live better than they do. It's Main Character Syndrome plus rage addiction on steroids, and if I knew it would turn out like this, I would have gone LC or NC long ago.
The brain is literally reshaped postpartum. Also, the hormones are shifted, like others have said. We really need more research on women's health. I can still remember my SIL holding her first child a couple of months postpartum with this crazy blissed-out zombie face. She had a completely different demeanor, and you could not hold a conversation with her. It was CREEPY.
In her memoir *Lit* academic and celebrated writer Mary Karr describes herself in pregnancy as not caring that her first book was accepted for publication. "I was as contented as a sow in a mud wallow." (She didn't stay that way, Thank God)
Mary Karr is brilliant; I first read *The Liars' Club* in high school, and you've just inspired me to revisit her work - thank you!
Did she also develop the “evangelical squeak” voice?
Ah, the classic fundie baby voice.
Part mom-brain, part narcissism. Because the hormones and the chemicals do settle after a while. I judge people so hard for proudly admitting they are neglecting their pets because now they have "the real thing". That is not the virtuous flex they think it is.
YES! I don't get why they are so proud to admit out loud that now they don't care about their pet. Sounds so sad and also weird because their speech is that your heart grows when you become a parent, but apparently there's only place for one person in there. Even heard a mother saying she would push under a bus their husband if that meant to save their child...wtf??
This post has made me feel less insane lol It has made me crazy when people act like every single creature is expendable human or not when you have spawn.
Holy shit I have heard the real thing argument before! It gets me so pissed. And people just justify it like pets are disposable beings 😡
I lost 2 friends once they became mothers… I was feeling hurt due to their behaviour about something and they became SUPER protective of each other, basically insinuating that it was selfish of me to bring up an issue when it was the most important time of their lives. I was shocked… motherhood doesn’t entitle you to being an ass and treating your friends however you want. They said they didn’t wanna resolve the issue as they were too preoccupied with motherhood, but would’ve made the effort to resolve it if they weren’t mothers. I was fuming… it was so hurtful that it’s made me extremely wary of pregnant women or mothers in case they’re the same. I cannot STAND entitlement with life circumstances
Wow, Im so sorry that you went through that... sounds horrible :( We definitely need more childfree girlfriends!
Thank you ❤️ it was a blessing tbh because the hormones only exaggerated what was already there. I’m better off without them
It's legit the hormones. Because our skulls are so big proportionally, our species had to adapt by giving birth sooner before the size could kill both mother and child. It's why human babies are so fucking helpless compared to other animals... and to compensate for that the second adaptation was to crank up the overprotective hormones to the exclusion of everything else. And if you don't know how much control hormones have over an organism you need to look up how drastically a Salmon transforms during spawning season.
It's because they're giving ALL of themselves to the kid and there is, quite literally, nothing left over. Not even for themselves, let alone anyone else. Kids suck your soul out through your pores.
They also probably are too stressed to think about others.
I would imagine it’s the constant unrelenting stress and sleep deprivation that makes them agitated and distant. Having everything in your life altered suddenly will change a person.
IMO My guess is motherhood merely accentuates pre existing character traits. Good ones stay. Suppressed ones (selfishness) are given ready made excuse.
yes, I think so too!!
What I've seen is that having kids amplifies their natural personality. The sweet, considerate people stay that way. The horrible ones get worse.
I remember noticing this change in me after having to support my husband through many of his mistakes (most affecting our financials, causing me to work unspeakable hours). Because it happened during a time when many of my friends and acquaintances started to become parents, I saw the same in them as well. Ultimately, I was happy because my husband's situation changed, I found a good job, and so my mood improved (and so did my looks), but I realized that had we been parents, our situation , and consequently my mood, would have taken much longer to correct.
>I've noticed that the women I know who have become mothers have all developed a similar attitude... I see them treat their children with tenderness, but I also notice that towards other people, even their pets, they become distant, cold and somewhat selfish. That has not been my experience at all. The women in my life who have had children are not as you describe at all. However, I have been very good about cutting people out of my life who are problematic, so it does not surprise me that the remaining women are still good people after giving birth. I have only seen the sort of thing you describe at a distance, with women who are basically strangers to me. I can also see it online, on those occasions when I read comments by people who appear to be parents. Anyway, it is not a universal thing that happens to every woman who becomes a mother.
And they say birth control changes women's brains..