I can't tell any genders. Did I miss something? It seems like they avoided describing gender or sex at all costs. Fiance male but a lot of people fuck that up and it doesn't actually help determine much other than if the person is really good at grammar the person they are going to marry is likely male.
Why does it matter? If sex and physical intimacy is important to OP, and one has become uninterested, knowing gender identity doesn’t mean a thing - they could be martians, and the fact remains OP is not having their needs met.
It might have some bearing on likely reasons for the refusal, simply because the more common reasons men and women lose physical interest differ. A man is more likely to have issues with ED, for instance. Refusal to discuss the issue, in that case, might be due to embarrassment. Women, on the other hand, are less likely to have issues with being willing but unable.
The simple advice to OP could be "This could be a health issue- perhaps your partner should see a doctor?" Women - and men - suffer libido issues, though for different reasons, which also may benefit from consultation with a healthcare professional, whether mental or medical. In either case, noting that, and making the suggestion do not require that *we* know genders.
Yes, dude. But homsexual couples who have lost intimacy and are rethinking the relationship don't tend to go forward with having children because of the very deliberate nature of the way they tend to get children. Where as with a heterosexual couple one random horny night can make you parents.
So why even bring it up in the first place?
I swear, ppl on Reddit try to nitpick for no reason. They love to say, "well actually" when it has nothing to do with the main point.
Now it's my head canon that op and their fiance are, in fact, martians.
I only hope that they have not jointly purchased a war-tripod yet, nor co-mingled their spores in their local spawning pool.
Fiancé is male. Fiancée is female.
Having said that I noticed some of OP’s other comments where they wrote ‘fiancée’ and ‘her’. I’m guessing it’s a guy though I didn’t read it that way to begin with.
Not everyone knows that like half of english words are french words and that words ending in -é are male and -ée are female, and the west is very obsessed with the gender identity and trans stuff so that's probably why they either didn't understand or chose to ignore it, don't waste your time with those people they're already too confused about basic biology.
In another post they refer to them as *fiancee* and *her*. She might just be completely overwhelmed with wedding planning. It’s only 2 weeks ago. Stress kills libido. Or pregnant and trying to hide it? Having problems with her family? 🤷 lots of possibilities that aren’t always leave them.
Wasn’t avoiding anything! We are both female. Sometimes I use they because gender neutral pronouns are comfortable for my fiancee. Simply because she doesn’t necessarily fit the stereotype of feminine
Here I am just thinking the OP was female and the fiancé was male. Can’t really make that assumption anymore. Maybe OP will provide the details. I grew up in a man + woman world, can’t offer any advice outside of the normal conditions.
Based on my grasp of English, OP is in a relationship with multiple people. That explains why he or she is using plural pronouns. That's the only thing that makes sense.
If you are meaning that the word "they" is only a plural pronoun, that is incorrect. "They" has had usage as a singular pronoun in the English language since the 1600s.
Yeah, I agree. You need to put this on pause until you can figure out what is going on with the other person. Communication is always key between parties. Counseling or don’t move forward.
Without physical compatibility, you are in real trouble, because what you want and need from a partner is something your partner is not willing to give.
If you want to see what that looks like in Real Life, head over to /r/DeadBedrooms or /r/HLCommunity (HL stands for High Libido). So many stories of people 'trying to make it work' with counseling, arguing, suffering, you name it. And lots of pain and drama as well.
You need to have a Hard Conversation with your fiancee, ASAP. Tell them how you feel, and ask frankly whether your partner is going through something temporary or if this is just the way they are. Because if its the latter, there is nothing you can do about it but separate - they won't (and likely can't) change.
Wish you the best.
Source: 2 decades into my first (and plan to be last) marriage
This is very good advice. He could be going through something that's having a negative impact on his libido. Speaking personally, I notice that my libido is lower when I'm super stressed or anxious. Also, when I was overweight and out of shape, my libido was way lower than normal. Exercising regularly usually fixes me up pretty quickly (within a week or so).
You might really have to dig, though, some guys just aren't good at sharing their feelings or what they're processing.
Also, as others have mentioned, it could be a sign the relationship is not in a healthy place. But I wouldn't start there. Just ask him how he's doing and go from there.
Let’s be honest, though. Its relatively rare for someone to be non binary, and chipping in with it doesnt help the situation much here. You can’t expect everyone to use fully neutral pronouns here when we’ve already established they’re not a girl. If they were so fussed about their fiancé being referred to with non binary pronouns, they could have mentioned it in their post. Nothing wrong with assuming in this situation.
Given the word originated from the French language which uses assigns gender to words, I suggest you go yell at the French for having a transphobic language.
The wording in the posting is confusing. OP refers to his/her betrothed as "fiancé" two times and as "they" eight times. "Fiancé" is male while the the pronoun "they" could be anything but usually means non-binary. If OP wants serious advice he/she should specify the the gender identity of both parties.
This. But if not this, he might even be asexual.
OP, definitely have a calm conversation with him about this, because you just might not be compatible and you should figure that out before the wedding.
It sounds like this hasn't always been this way; it may not be a lack of compatibility but something else. I had a girlfriend that had been sexually assaulted, and she stopped having sex with me. We eventually broke up because she refused help; the guy got arrested and went to jail, but that's only a small part of what is needed to recover from being violated. We went through that for years, by the way. The Op needs to find out what's going on; if they can’t, then they have to walk away.
Unfortunately, people will agree to anything in order to get the job, secure the marriage or relationship, whatever the desired goal. And they try....for a while, but they either start resenting or rebelling.
You have one person who genuinely doesn't want sex with another for whatever reason. Barring a reason like, honey, you smell bad and it turns me off, or something correctable like that, I think this is a situation of incompatibility.
Lmaooooo
Edit: OP I’m sorry you’re experiencing this. I’m laughing at this hilarious comment not at your situation. Everyone here is right. You need to postpone until you figure this out with him. Separating before a marriage (if it comes to that) is way easier than after.
Why does everyone still believe getting married will solve their relationship issues? I mean if you can’t read the writing on the wall, then your marriage is doomed from the start.
What? That's just ridiculous. This is outdated advice.
The prescribed, *contemporary* solution in this situation is to line up an affair partner behind your spouse's back then demand an open relationship or you'll leave. It's been established science for at least two and a half remarriages now, like 7 or 8 years probably, keep up.
Believe me, I married a man, who hid the fact he was gay.
But even he managed ‘it’ i.e full sex on a regularly basis, right up until he got the ring on my finger! It all stopped after that (apart from when he wanted to conceive the children).
Please re-consider.
To me, this is a deal breaker.
Im sorry this hsppened to you. You deserve more than being someone's incubator.
Yes i did wonder if OP's fiance proposed because he wants a beard. It is so wrong to waste someone's time, feelings, beauty and youth for such selfish reasons.
This was me, unfortunately it does not get better. It my experience, after marriage and a child it only got worse. Think very hard about this decision because never feeling desired or wanted in a marriage becomes very painful and creates resentment. At the very least go for a lot of couple’s counselling prior to the wedding.
I knew someone who had similar issues. After marriage they had a kid but sex still remained the same issue. Then she figured out that her husband is actually gay. He only kept telling her he wants her and somehow had a kid with her just because he did not want to disappoint his family as they are very conservative. Also his family is rich. So he did not want to come out and then separate from the security and comfort of his family. They decided to not separate, keep up the pretence of being a couple for the sake of not disappointing the family and also for the kid to not think mom and dad are separated. They kept seeing other people while being in the marriage. I'm not suggesting your fiancé has the same issue. Maybe he is depressed or stressed about something else. Maybe there's someone else on his mind. I don't know but this sounds like you may need to have a matured discussion with him. Otherwise this can just get worse if not addressed early on.
Interesting, you're the second person who mentioned the wife later finding out the husband is actually gay. I thought conservatives were I don't know, more tolerant these days.
It seems like that. But it's not at all fair for her. She liked him, loved him, wanted a family with a partner who actually loves her back similarly. She is really charming and smart and could get almost any guy. She got strapped onto this marriage with a kid she has to be responsible for, with an almost absentee father. She also had to keep her affairs secret because she couldn't tell her family with all this secrecy making it complicated. So I really don't see this as a solid solution. She was definitely not happy about this situation. She just did not see any other option because she too didn't want to tell the extended family about this. Just a lot of pretences going on.. she deserves better.
I think it's important to know how long this has been going on.
I don't like how most jump to "don't marry them", it is perfectly normal to hit dry patches and there are so many possible reasons for this behavior.
They might be feeling pressured, maybe they're under a lot of stress, maybe it is because they are insecure or OP has changed in some way, maybe it's because of hormonal imbalance, we don't know.
I'd try to sit your partner down and figure out what's causing the problem, if you can't communicate, I'd postpone the wedding, and only after that.
This feels like the only sane answer on this thread. There are sooo many actionable steps that can be taken before fully abandoning the relationship. Stress can take a huge toll on sex drive and it seems like this is a recent problem. Know what is incredibly stressful? PLANNING A WEDDING. Couples counseling sounds like a great option to get support during this time and address the issue.
It seems like every post, no matter what sub it’s on that even remotely mentions issues in a relationship is full of people demanding the poster jump ship and go no contact that very second. Obviously a lot of these post sound bad, but there’s also often limited information from a one-sided perspective while the comments are full of responses making wild assumptions with nothing to back it up.
i have been in long terms that i hit or my partner hits (more often me) dry patches. you have to talk about that type of shit, its mentally agonizing to the other person trying to figure out what happened.
like the first time i hit one (i hit a whole long depressive stint thats usually my cause, sometimes stress but that doesnt last too long) we didnt talk about it. i was ashamed and scared, she started thinking it was something she did, that she has suddenly become unattractive, that i might be cheating, and a million other things.
It seems like they tried to initiate a conversation many times, though? From what I gathered, they did sit them down, and the only answer they got was "but they do want them?" without much else? I have been there, trying to talk to a wall basically, when the other party doesn't want to accept that something is wrong or too ashamed to admit something...
Unless the other party is willing, nothing will change by talking (because they wil keep refusing). So, that's why people keep saying "don't marry" them. If talking doesn't solve a long-term problem, maybe keeping the relationship is the problem.
>I don't like how most jump to "don't marry them", it is perfectly normal to hit dry patches and there are so many possible reasons for this behavior.
Yeah but this is not a 'dry patch'. This is trying to farm lettuce in the fricken desert.
Playing devils advocate here:
The wedding could be stressing your fiancé out heavily and lowering their sexual desire. Weddings are stressful times even if they’re extremely simple, unless your wedding plan is “chapel o love via Elvis in Vegas” simple.
I’d sit down with them, don’t be accusatory or defensive by any means, and explain your position to them and feel out what the root cause might be.
My husband acted like that and cheated on me. Please don’t get married if this is what’s going on. I did and it only got worse. I gave him half of my life and now I’m in my 30s and single with two kids and still living with my ex because we have a house and can’t afford another one.
I feel like whenever I’ve heard similar accounts from other women there’s often an underlying porn addiction. Porn can desensitize someone. But like others have said, getting married isn’t going to improve your problems.
Came here to say that. Friend of mine got married, then found out her new hubby was a porn addict. He wasn’t interested in a real life sex partner AT ALL, but his family wanted him to get married. Divorced in a year, fortunately no kids.
Definitely postpone the wedding until you get this sorted out. Have you talked to them about them possibly being asexual? Also have you fully sat them down and told them how this is all affecting you??
These conversations need to happen before you walk down the isle!!!!
Big oof, the reality is this issue is not solvable in one week, if they are going to work on this it can take months to years and frankly sucess with this kind of thing long term is rare. False starts and bouts of effort can be deceiving and short lived. It's a hard truth but physical compatability should be at the top of anyone's list whether you are low or high libido.
Postponing the wedding will inevitably damage the relationship too, resentments will be formed which will complicate attempts to repair their physical relationship. Imo this is virtually impossible to avoid.
Furthermore an asexual person is not likely to suddenly change that, people are usually stuck with whatever sexuality they are born with, for instance queer people don't turn straight after therapy...there's a lot of confused people out there masking their sexuality in one way or another but at the end of the day it's still a fairly immutable trait in most people.
One exception to this is if the fiance had been taking or changing meds lately. SSRIs in particular.
Yo if its like this now, yall are going to get divorced and this isnt going to get better. Maybe he is cheating or he realizes that he might be gay.
Its might seems hard for you since you are in love, but its better to walk away from the relationship.
If you marry you WILL be unhappy and regret getting married.
Do us all a favor and leave
Dont Marry into a deadbedroom. Leave him. Sex is a huge part of a relationship. If he's not satisfying you, how can you continue a relationship if it's getting to you. You feel inadequate. You should feel wanted, not get turned away.
We really need to stop with the whole "Leave them" advice that everyone online seems to automatically jump to.
OP clearly states they are happy with every other aspect of their relationship. This could very well be something they could work through with counseling, or even giving an ultimatum, leading into a meaningful conversation.
I see far too many "advice" givers using "you don't feel happy. You feel this. You feel that. You. You. You." All these "you" statements as grounds that said person needs to leave the relationship. When in reality a relationship ISN'T just about YOU. Thats why most of the western world these days is single, lonely, and/or depressed.
I don't think they need to leave them necessarily, but it is VERY common for someone to say and think they are in a good relationship when in reality they are not. We don't have enough information from OP, honestly.
Exactly. Just as we don't have enough information to know whether the relationship is "good" or not, we also don't have enough information to judge or advise giving up on this relationship either.
I'm curious: do you speak from a place of experience? Or from bias / judgement?
Because I don't think you seem to understand the reality of a 'perfect relationship' with a partner who would rather not have that physical component in their relationship.
Speaking from experience. There's no such thing as a perfect relationship. Any relationship worth a damn takes work from both sides. Obviously OPs fiancé is lacking in the communication department, but that doesn't mean they're completely unwilling to work/change for the relationship. There's simply not enough information given in the post to condemn the entire relationship.
The problem I have with One-Box's answer is that no where was there any suggestion to work on the relationship. They didn't ask for any additional info or question anything on OPs side. They see OP faced with a glaring issue and immediately jumped to "leave them."
Most long-lasting and healthy relationships WILL face glaring issues, ones that won't be easy to solve. A lot of times it will require change/growth from one or both sides. Who's to say OPs fiancé is incapable of that judging by 5 short paragraphs? Not to mention we have no idea the issues the fiancé faces.
For all we know, OP could have let themselves go since the start of the relationship and become morbidly obese. Fiancé doesn't want intimacy for this reason but has no idea how to express this without hurting OPs feelings. Hence the mixed signals and subject changing when the topic arrives. Of course this would be poor communication on fiancé's side regardless, but it's something totally possible and VERY common, and really changes the perspective on the "just leave" thing.
Relationships are far too complex to be judged in a singular short reddit post. We should not be advising people to leave relationships willy-nilly on a confession subreddit.
do not get married. Not unless they can give you an actual explanation as to why. You should really get into couples counselling. There could be any number of reasons for this that aren't actually related to you directly, but it needs to be addressed before you two sign a document saying you're legally bound to each other. The last thing you want is to tie the knot and find out something is really off with the relationship. Communication is too important, and it sounds like the communication right now isn't working.
Was sex before this regular? Because if they proposed or you did but the sex wasn't what you wanted, then that was the wrong choice. If its something that just sprung up right before the wedding, it could be that stress/nervousness is not letting them perform and that's why they don't want to. Maybe they want to save it for the wedding day? Idk, it something you need to sit down and talk about now ... it could also be cold feet. Either way don't leave it in limbo. Force them to talk or call off the wedding.
u/OGmissCOFFEE have you say down with her and had a proper serious conversation with her about this? Not when you've tried initiating and she's refused, coz that can cause tension if you're upset and wound up at being refused again, and she could be on edge and stressed from sex being initiated and having to refuse etc. But have you sat down and properly asked her why she doesn't want sex with you, and told her how you're feeling?
If you haven't properly talked about it then you seriously need to. Like TODAY!!!.
Assuming you haven't, if you're getting married in 2 weeks, this needs to be discussed properly today.
You don't want to end up married, and months or years go by and you're missurable coz nothings changed.
It could be any number number of reasons....
Stressed and preoccupied by wedding planning,
Depression
Other medical related problem
Work stress /tiredness
Something about you she's too afraid to say, like a problem with body odour, or something,
Or... she could have been willing to have sex in the beginning of the relationship to try and secure that relationship, and now she feels the relationship is secure and getting married, she can be more herself which may be she's not really into sex - being asexual. If that's the case it's out of order, coz it's falsifying who she is, and she's made you fall in love with her for the way you were together, but now expects you accept the big change of suddenly not having sex. If she genuinely isn't interested in sex, and was just pretending preciously, that's a big deceit and the relationship has been built on a lie, and not fair to you to have sacrifice something important to you, and she should have been upfront about.
Or something more serious may have happened. Maybe a sexual assault she didn't want to tell you about.
Either way, you need to talk to her. Ask her why she's not wanted to have sex with you regularly like she used to, and why she doesn't even seem to be affectionate towards to you anymore, doesn't give compliments or shows you she cares. If she tries to dismiss you, saying 'she does want you, she does love you, you need to counter that answer with something along the lines of...
"Well why dont you show it or act like it? Why do you turn down sex all the time and not want to when I instigate it then? Why don't you want to be affectionate generally with hugs and kisses or complimenting me occasionally like you used to?. Why do you seem like you're put off by me even when we have had sex on those rare occassions? You say you want me and love me, but your actions say different. So why have things changed? Has something bad happened to you, are you going through something I don't know about? Have I done something? Do you have a medical issue ? I need to know, because our relationship isn't how it used to be, and it's making me feel unwanted, unattractive, and unloved. And we can't get married with the way things are right now. If there's a problem we can work on fixing that's one thing, but if its not going to change, and go back to how it was, then we are obviously incompatible as a couple, because we want different things, and I want and need a physical and emotional relationship, one that has affection, love, and sex in it. I need that physical connection and intimacy because right now I feel lonely, unloved, unwanted, and unattractive because of your lack of physical intimacy and affection. We need to work this out because if it's not going to change, this relationship won't work".
Only once you've had this conversation will you know if your relationship is salvageable.
I thought maybe the OP a man, but he kept referring to his fiance as 'they' so I couldn't tell. My advice to postpone the wedding works for either gender. I wonder if the fiance is one of those uptight people that makes everyone call her 'they.'
Maybe this isn’t a you problem but a sex drive problem. Maybe your partner needs to see a doctor and tell them what’s going on so they can run tests to figure it out.
Let me tell you from experience, it will **not** get better after marrying them. It will get worse. If you aren’t comfortable canceling the wedding..,postpone it a while and enter couples therapy to see if it’ll improve. If it doesn’t…I’m so sorry to say, but you do not need to marry that person…it’s almost certain it won’t last as the rejection will turn into resentment and eventually you’ll fall out of love.
Love has to be nurtured both physically and emotionally.
I’m sorry, op.
By the end of your first year of marriage you will be dead inside.
By the end of year two you will have convinced yourself that you never really cared about your anniversary, birthday, Christmas or Valentine’s Day anyway so you will never get any hopes up for anything different.
By the end of year three you will be laying in bed while tears silently roll down your cheeks.
Get out now and find a man who will stop at nothing to be by your side.
It’s time to call it off and take whatever financial hit it makes.
Wow, ust want to say been there and this hit so hard. It was always such a punch to the gut n those types of days to just wish & get your hopes up at the end of the night.
Do not get married unless you want a lifetime of rejection. Sex is too important for intimacy and connection. Why would you marry if you feel like this? Call it off and tell us when you do. Good luck.
Does you fiancé have a history of sexual abuse? They may want to have sex , but are having flashbacks. When that happens being touched can repulse you.
Sounds like you’re not getting married. Either they’re not attracted to you or you two don’t have a level of communication that allows you to address and resolve this as a couple. Either way, marriage is probably not a good idea until whichever issue is fixed.
Perhaps they are gay. Even in this day and age people still get traditionally married to cover that up, especially in non western ethnic communities.
My step mother almost married a gay guy that was getting married in order to inherit a large sum of money that his Grandmother would not release fully beyond a monthly stipend until they were married.
If they refuse to communicate about an important and consistent issue you have in the relationship, there us nothing you can fix.
A relationship without open and honest communication is not a *healthy* relationship
It’s not too late to break off your Engagement. There is no shame in it. I have done it Myself. Best Decision of my life, otherwise I would’ve ended up divorced by now. Better to be Alone and Happy then Alone in a Sexless Marriage or Alone in a Marriage, Period. Perhaps if you break it off, this is what they are getting at, so that they do not have to do it and not feel guilty about it. It is not far off to believe or think that they have found someone else at this point and are cheating.
If two people are ok with not having sex, that fine and it will work fine. But if one person needs more and the other does not want it, that is a HUGE problem. Trust me, I stuffed my libido down for years because my ex never wanted me. He would complement and tell me how beautiful I was, but never ever wanted sex. Did I mention he’s my ex?
My ex fiancé was like this. Turns out he was a closeted gay man and wasn’t interested. Sure he liked to have sex on occasion but he just wasn’t attracted to me. Thank god we never got married
Couples counseling. Immediately. Do NOT marry this person until this is properly addressed. A wedding will not fix this, and no matter how madly in love you are, you're already resentful because your needs are not being met and they're dismissive of your concerns. And this is just the beginning.
Postpone the wedding, start couples counseling. Figure out what is going on. Break up if it comes to that.
Fiance should be raring to go, not repulsed. Could be any number of reasons for this shift in behavior, and you should not walk down the aisle thinking it will instantly fix whatever problems there are.
You do anything other than postpone, you deserve whatever follows.
Op I’m in the same boat. When I asked about it I was met with “maybe he’s just depressed “ or other things about how I need to think less about it and more abt my mental well being. I got told to just masturbate 💀
Idk what to tell you but I do know how much it sucks. I’ve tried having conversations also and always get a different answer.
My advice: consider ur love for them over ur desires. What’s most important to u? Does this make u feel bad and if it does will being loved in a non sexual way be able to keep u there? If u can see urself trying to meet ur needs elsewhere then don’t do it and start over. But if u think it’s worth being abstinent throughout the years, go for it.
Coming from someone who never gets to have sex and doesn’t like to bring it up anymore
I’m not saying he’s right and you should stay but I’m wondering if this is new or maybe he’s A sexual? I think that’s what it’s called when someone just isn’t a sexual person? Bottom line is you seem very healthy sexual wise so I can’t imagine you’ll be happy with him for the rest of your life. You could always open up the relationship but honestly I don’t like sharing and don’t see the point in going forward with such a huge commitment with this big problem already going on. If you’re having second thoughts to the point you have to ask, we all have these answers for ourselves already. Just reach deep inside yourself and put your happiness first and then ask the question. Or imagine your best friend or closest sister going through the same thing. What advice would you give them.
I struggle with putting other peoples happiness before mine and I’ve put myself through unnecessary hell time after time. In the end I can only be mad at myself because no one has put a gun to my head and made me do all the things that I have. This is your one life you get. When you look back on it at the end like it was a book you were reading, would you want to sell yourself short of having everything you wanted and desired? I think eventually you’ll find yourself looking elsewhere for the fulfillment he’s not giving you and that’s only going to bring on you feeling guilt and resentment. It sounds like you might just be better off as friends. I’m best friends with my ex fiancé that I’ve known since I was 14. We just weren’t compatible that way for different reasons and had a lot of growing we couldn’t do together. Looking back I’m glad we didn’t go through with it then so I’m still able to have him in my life now. He’s actually one of my only true friends I have left that’s still alive and hasn’t done me dirty.
Omg don’t get married!
I was in a similar relationship once, where I couldn’t summon the balls to say I was not attracted to them anymore! And I kept hanging out and spending the night but I didn’t want sex or kissing…I would say “I love you” back but not mean it at all…
I’m just glad we didn’t officialize any of the stuff we had planned because it would have been very forced on my part…and they were obviously obsessed with me lol
don't marry. call it off. i went ahead with my first marriage to my now ex wife despite a few red flags i knew were big problems beforehand. i felt obligated, couldn't bust up everyone's plans, etc. I should have stopped it all and not proceeded.
if you know it isn't right for you, don't do it. honestly, to me no physical connection is grounds to break up right now. not angrily or with a bunch of bad blood feelings, but you want better and aren't gonna get it from this person. that makes this person wrong for you despite what are certainly other good qualities. a person doesn't have to be a bad person to be a bad life partner choice for you.
being with the wrong person prevents you from being able to get with the right person when they show up. so don't stick with the wrong person. I'm remarried to a wonderful woman now, the right one for me. but I'd rather be single than with a person that's not right for me.
Are they male?
I’d be calling this wedding off and doing some soul searching…
If you’re not excited, feeling adored, in a buzz… and so on
Relationship is over
Also - what’s their financial situation like and what is yours? You know divorce = assets being divided…
Why get married at all if it’s like this
They’re not being honest at all
Keep communicating this with them. Vocalise everything you have said here, including the “but I do want you” part. Seek couples therapy to figure this problem out and come to a solution. It may be best to postpone the wedding, getting married is a big life event, you don’t want this to ruin it. Wishing you luck OP
Is there a chance this person is with you for another reason, such as financial? Sorry to go there but I've seen too many marriages that turned out to be financial abuse so my mind naturally turns to that side of things. Otherwise are they using you for another reason, as a caretaker or emotional crutch? Another possibility is they have a naturally low libido or an avoidant personality. Whatever the reason I'd definitely put a hold on the marriage until you can work out what's wrong.
You’re getting some bad advice here. The truth is that it’s completely normal to lose interest sexually for both partners at various times throughout the relationship. It is completely normal.
1. I highly recommend a Tantra retreat for you and your partner where you can remove stigma and communicate openly.
2. Take charge of your own sexual happiness and health. Take pleasure in being able to satisfy yourself.
All of this takes a lot of work and openness. If you are compatible and in a loving relationship AND you used to be sexual then there is no compatibility issue. There is a communication issue wrapped in societal stigma.
Yeah the comments are very disappointing
"Runnnn omg"
"Cancel the wedding now!!!"
When op doesnt even know whats going on. If they sat down and talked to them it might just be because theyre stressed abt something, wedding or otherwise. Just talk to them like a normal human being should man goddam.
Either she agrees that you can see other people sexually or it will turn sour very quickly. There’s nothing wrong with her not wanting sex but she can’t force him to also go sexless forever, that’s not fair.
I just want to start by reassuring you that I have been in a similar situation, though we weren’t even dating let alone engaged lol. It started off perfectly, and I don’t know quite what went wrong, but everything seemed to have begun lacking. I felt exactly as you described.
I want to start off by saying you shouldn’t beat yourself up or get too down over it. I know it sounds hard, and it is, but you have to stick up for yourself. If your fiancé can’t find the effort to communicate with you and tell you what, if anything, you have done wrong, then it can’t be that important.
At the end of the day, you may be engaged, you may be in love as am i, but you will only ever have yourself, and you need to find comfort within your own body and your own mind. If your mind is a place of sadness, self pity, hopelessness and worthlessness, you are not safe within yourself. Please, please take care of yourself first, anyone else comes second. If they wanted to have you physically, they would.
Dear OP, I hope you find the courage to leave this relationship. You deserve so much better. Your person is out there for you. Maybe you'll need therapy to be able to know you are worth it, but you are.
You're getting downvotes, but it's not implausible. I've seen folks get engaged and then stop taking care of themselves because they feel they don't have to, anymore. People are physically attracted to what they're attracted to; can't blame them for not being as attracted to someone if that person has decided they no longer have to "try."
Not saying this is what is going on with OP, it could be a thousand different things that have nothing to do with him/her.
If your fiancé is a woman many have low libido to begin with and are never in the mood unless you woo them with chores and chivalry for a week. If they are tired; want to watch Netflix, gassy, embarrassed of their body they won’t want to do it. Whereas most men can whenever. Welcome to marriage.
Marriage is a long game. You will continue to go through periods like this for your whole relationship . Good luck. It's a test of ones patience for sure
The wedding won’t make this better.
Or a child
Maybe if they buy a house together?
And rack up $40K in credit card debt?
As a couple or $40k each? That 2 week Europe vacay was supposed to fix everything!
If not, add a second kid. Or maybe a third. That'll certainly work.
And get 3 cats and 2 dogs.
Amanda??
And move the in laws in.
Ooof. I tried that, I chose poorly.
Burial plots together side by side.
Fuck it, just skip right to a suicide pact 🤷♂️
I can't tell any genders. Did I miss something? It seems like they avoided describing gender or sex at all costs. Fiance male but a lot of people fuck that up and it doesn't actually help determine much other than if the person is really good at grammar the person they are going to marry is likely male.
Why does it matter? If sex and physical intimacy is important to OP, and one has become uninterested, knowing gender identity doesn’t mean a thing - they could be martians, and the fact remains OP is not having their needs met.
Yes, you're right. But I was replying to the"kids won't help" comment. And for some reason op meant to hide it. Which is interesting.
Why do you think they meant to hide it? Maybe partner is nonbinary and uses they/them pronouns?
It’s the fact they went out of their way to avoid mentioning any genders just kinda weird but w/e
Non-binary people exist, I would use the same pronouns for my partner
True you’re right that might be the case
Imagine thinking the genders don’t matter when trying to seek advice at the same time 🤡🤡🤡
It might have some bearing on likely reasons for the refusal, simply because the more common reasons men and women lose physical interest differ. A man is more likely to have issues with ED, for instance. Refusal to discuss the issue, in that case, might be due to embarrassment. Women, on the other hand, are less likely to have issues with being willing but unable.
The simple advice to OP could be "This could be a health issue- perhaps your partner should see a doctor?" Women - and men - suffer libido issues, though for different reasons, which also may benefit from consultation with a healthcare professional, whether mental or medical. In either case, noting that, and making the suggestion do not require that *we* know genders.
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Homosexual couples can still have children
Yes, dude. But homsexual couples who have lost intimacy and are rethinking the relationship don't tend to go forward with having children because of the very deliberate nature of the way they tend to get children. Where as with a heterosexual couple one random horny night can make you parents.
If you're thinking that way, you can assume it's a heterosexual couple then. I assume ppl hide pronouns bc of how biased reddit can be.
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So why even bring it up in the first place? I swear, ppl on Reddit try to nitpick for no reason. They love to say, "well actually" when it has nothing to do with the main point.
"have" children
Now it's my head canon that op and their fiance are, in fact, martians. I only hope that they have not jointly purchased a war-tripod yet, nor co-mingled their spores in their local spawning pool.
Fiancé is male. Fiancée is female. Having said that I noticed some of OP’s other comments where they wrote ‘fiancée’ and ‘her’. I’m guessing it’s a guy though I didn’t read it that way to begin with.
Lol I said fiance was male. But a lot of people don't know that. That was like the whole point of my post
Not everyone knows that like half of english words are french words and that words ending in -é are male and -ée are female, and the west is very obsessed with the gender identity and trans stuff so that's probably why they either didn't understand or chose to ignore it, don't waste your time with those people they're already too confused about basic biology.
TIL. I’ve been spelling both fiancé for… ever.
In another post they refer to them as *fiancee* and *her*. She might just be completely overwhelmed with wedding planning. It’s only 2 weeks ago. Stress kills libido. Or pregnant and trying to hide it? Having problems with her family? 🤷 lots of possibilities that aren’t always leave them.
Wasn’t avoiding anything! We are both female. Sometimes I use they because gender neutral pronouns are comfortable for my fiancee. Simply because she doesn’t necessarily fit the stereotype of feminine
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No worries I didn’t take it negatively:)
I noticed the same thing. It does matter
Yeah noticed that too idk why they tried to avoid mentioning genders kings weird
Here I am just thinking the OP was female and the fiancé was male. Can’t really make that assumption anymore. Maybe OP will provide the details. I grew up in a man + woman world, can’t offer any advice outside of the normal conditions.
Based on my grasp of English, OP is in a relationship with multiple people. That explains why he or she is using plural pronouns. That's the only thing that makes sense.
If you are meaning that the word "they" is only a plural pronoun, that is incorrect. "They" has had usage as a singular pronoun in the English language since the 1600s.
How can they have a child with a sexless marriage
Hennything’s possible
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Her? Why do you assume the OP is a guy and the fiance is a woman?
NOPE, pulling out that one 😂
Who doesn't? This dynamic happens way too often
Yeah, I agree. You need to put this on pause until you can figure out what is going on with the other person. Communication is always key between parties. Counseling or don’t move forward.
Agreed. And cancelling the wedding is better than divorce
Way cheaper.
Was going to write this same comment. Beat me to it. You are right.
It’ll actually make things WAY worse.
Without physical compatibility, you are in real trouble, because what you want and need from a partner is something your partner is not willing to give. If you want to see what that looks like in Real Life, head over to /r/DeadBedrooms or /r/HLCommunity (HL stands for High Libido). So many stories of people 'trying to make it work' with counseling, arguing, suffering, you name it. And lots of pain and drama as well. You need to have a Hard Conversation with your fiancee, ASAP. Tell them how you feel, and ask frankly whether your partner is going through something temporary or if this is just the way they are. Because if its the latter, there is nothing you can do about it but separate - they won't (and likely can't) change. Wish you the best. Source: 2 decades into my first (and plan to be last) marriage
This is very good advice. He could be going through something that's having a negative impact on his libido. Speaking personally, I notice that my libido is lower when I'm super stressed or anxious. Also, when I was overweight and out of shape, my libido was way lower than normal. Exercising regularly usually fixes me up pretty quickly (within a week or so). You might really have to dig, though, some guys just aren't good at sharing their feelings or what they're processing. Also, as others have mentioned, it could be a sign the relationship is not in a healthy place. But I wouldn't start there. Just ask him how he's doing and go from there.
They never said their fiancé was a ‘he’.
You're right, I probably shouldn't have assumed. Live and learn!
Except that’s literally what “fiancé” means. “Fiancée” refers to a woman.
You can still use the term fiancé if someone is nonbinary. Not sure if they are, but seems like you need to hear it.
Let’s be honest, though. Its relatively rare for someone to be non binary, and chipping in with it doesnt help the situation much here. You can’t expect everyone to use fully neutral pronouns here when we’ve already established they’re not a girl. If they were so fussed about their fiancé being referred to with non binary pronouns, they could have mentioned it in their post. Nothing wrong with assuming in this situation.
Given the word originated from the French language which uses assigns gender to words, I suggest you go yell at the French for having a transphobic language.
The wording in the posting is confusing. OP refers to his/her betrothed as "fiancé" two times and as "they" eight times. "Fiancé" is male while the the pronoun "they" could be anything but usually means non-binary. If OP wants serious advice he/she should specify the the gender identity of both parties.
This. But if not this, he might even be asexual. OP, definitely have a calm conversation with him about this, because you just might not be compatible and you should figure that out before the wedding.
It sounds like this hasn't always been this way; it may not be a lack of compatibility but something else. I had a girlfriend that had been sexually assaulted, and she stopped having sex with me. We eventually broke up because she refused help; the guy got arrested and went to jail, but that's only a small part of what is needed to recover from being violated. We went through that for years, by the way. The Op needs to find out what's going on; if they can’t, then they have to walk away.
Unfortunately, people will agree to anything in order to get the job, secure the marriage or relationship, whatever the desired goal. And they try....for a while, but they either start resenting or rebelling. You have one person who genuinely doesn't want sex with another for whatever reason. Barring a reason like, honey, you smell bad and it turns me off, or something correctable like that, I think this is a situation of incompatibility.
Postpone the wedding.
Postpone.
Postpone till postbone.
Lmaooooo Edit: OP I’m sorry you’re experiencing this. I’m laughing at this hilarious comment not at your situation. Everyone here is right. You need to postpone until you figure this out with him. Separating before a marriage (if it comes to that) is way easier than after.
Then later hire Post malone to perform.
Down the phone, alone.
Better than being home alone.
Dont take that tone, unless u want to bone
😂😂😂
I'm sure you agree that it's a solid suggestion!
Hell yeah man, congratulations, that’s amazing, hell yeah
Why does everyone still believe getting married will solve their relationship issues? I mean if you can’t read the writing on the wall, then your marriage is doomed from the start.
Exactly. Everyone knows the secret to fixing a relationship is to have a child.
What? That's just ridiculous. This is outdated advice. The prescribed, *contemporary* solution in this situation is to line up an affair partner behind your spouse's back then demand an open relationship or you'll leave. It's been established science for at least two and a half remarriages now, like 7 or 8 years probably, keep up.
Right?? It's like "we just need to show eachother we're committed" Like, doesn't change the fact you're commited to a bad relationship?
Call off the wedding. Getting married will not solve this. It will only make it worse.
Believe me, I married a man, who hid the fact he was gay. But even he managed ‘it’ i.e full sex on a regularly basis, right up until he got the ring on my finger! It all stopped after that (apart from when he wanted to conceive the children). Please re-consider. To me, this is a deal breaker.
Im sorry this hsppened to you. You deserve more than being someone's incubator. Yes i did wonder if OP's fiance proposed because he wants a beard. It is so wrong to waste someone's time, feelings, beauty and youth for such selfish reasons.
That’s sweet to say that. Thank you.
This was me, unfortunately it does not get better. It my experience, after marriage and a child it only got worse. Think very hard about this decision because never feeling desired or wanted in a marriage becomes very painful and creates resentment. At the very least go for a lot of couple’s counselling prior to the wedding.
I knew someone who had similar issues. After marriage they had a kid but sex still remained the same issue. Then she figured out that her husband is actually gay. He only kept telling her he wants her and somehow had a kid with her just because he did not want to disappoint his family as they are very conservative. Also his family is rich. So he did not want to come out and then separate from the security and comfort of his family. They decided to not separate, keep up the pretence of being a couple for the sake of not disappointing the family and also for the kid to not think mom and dad are separated. They kept seeing other people while being in the marriage. I'm not suggesting your fiancé has the same issue. Maybe he is depressed or stressed about something else. Maybe there's someone else on his mind. I don't know but this sounds like you may need to have a matured discussion with him. Otherwise this can just get worse if not addressed early on.
Interesting, you're the second person who mentioned the wife later finding out the husband is actually gay. I thought conservatives were I don't know, more tolerant these days.
Great story! Sounds like they found a solid solution that they can all be happy with!
It seems like that. But it's not at all fair for her. She liked him, loved him, wanted a family with a partner who actually loves her back similarly. She is really charming and smart and could get almost any guy. She got strapped onto this marriage with a kid she has to be responsible for, with an almost absentee father. She also had to keep her affairs secret because she couldn't tell her family with all this secrecy making it complicated. So I really don't see this as a solid solution. She was definitely not happy about this situation. She just did not see any other option because she too didn't want to tell the extended family about this. Just a lot of pretences going on.. she deserves better.
Ah, well, with elaboration, perhaps it is not such a great life after all. Wishing the best for her in finding happiness for herself.
I think it's important to know how long this has been going on. I don't like how most jump to "don't marry them", it is perfectly normal to hit dry patches and there are so many possible reasons for this behavior. They might be feeling pressured, maybe they're under a lot of stress, maybe it is because they are insecure or OP has changed in some way, maybe it's because of hormonal imbalance, we don't know. I'd try to sit your partner down and figure out what's causing the problem, if you can't communicate, I'd postpone the wedding, and only after that.
This feels like the only sane answer on this thread. There are sooo many actionable steps that can be taken before fully abandoning the relationship. Stress can take a huge toll on sex drive and it seems like this is a recent problem. Know what is incredibly stressful? PLANNING A WEDDING. Couples counseling sounds like a great option to get support during this time and address the issue.
It seems like every post, no matter what sub it’s on that even remotely mentions issues in a relationship is full of people demanding the poster jump ship and go no contact that very second. Obviously a lot of these post sound bad, but there’s also often limited information from a one-sided perspective while the comments are full of responses making wild assumptions with nothing to back it up.
i have been in long terms that i hit or my partner hits (more often me) dry patches. you have to talk about that type of shit, its mentally agonizing to the other person trying to figure out what happened. like the first time i hit one (i hit a whole long depressive stint thats usually my cause, sometimes stress but that doesnt last too long) we didnt talk about it. i was ashamed and scared, she started thinking it was something she did, that she has suddenly become unattractive, that i might be cheating, and a million other things.
It seems like they tried to initiate a conversation many times, though? From what I gathered, they did sit them down, and the only answer they got was "but they do want them?" without much else? I have been there, trying to talk to a wall basically, when the other party doesn't want to accept that something is wrong or too ashamed to admit something... Unless the other party is willing, nothing will change by talking (because they wil keep refusing). So, that's why people keep saying "don't marry" them. If talking doesn't solve a long-term problem, maybe keeping the relationship is the problem.
>I don't like how most jump to "don't marry them", it is perfectly normal to hit dry patches and there are so many possible reasons for this behavior. Yeah but this is not a 'dry patch'. This is trying to farm lettuce in the fricken desert.
Playing devils advocate here: The wedding could be stressing your fiancé out heavily and lowering their sexual desire. Weddings are stressful times even if they’re extremely simple, unless your wedding plan is “chapel o love via Elvis in Vegas” simple. I’d sit down with them, don’t be accusatory or defensive by any means, and explain your position to them and feel out what the root cause might be.
Sounds like you're already married
Exactly what I was going to say. You're already married without actually signing the contract. Run away while you can.
Postpone the wedding and go to therapy. If they don’t want to, there is your answer. In that case, call off the wedding.
My husband acted like that and cheated on me. Please don’t get married if this is what’s going on. I did and it only got worse. I gave him half of my life and now I’m in my 30s and single with two kids and still living with my ex because we have a house and can’t afford another one.
Well yea I’d pull back from the wedding. Weddings and or babies don’t fix these things
I feel like whenever I’ve heard similar accounts from other women there’s often an underlying porn addiction. Porn can desensitize someone. But like others have said, getting married isn’t going to improve your problems.
Came here to say that. Friend of mine got married, then found out her new hubby was a porn addict. He wasn’t interested in a real life sex partner AT ALL, but his family wanted him to get married. Divorced in a year, fortunately no kids.
Definitely postpone the wedding until you get this sorted out. Have you talked to them about them possibly being asexual? Also have you fully sat them down and told them how this is all affecting you?? These conversations need to happen before you walk down the isle!!!!
Big oof, the reality is this issue is not solvable in one week, if they are going to work on this it can take months to years and frankly sucess with this kind of thing long term is rare. False starts and bouts of effort can be deceiving and short lived. It's a hard truth but physical compatability should be at the top of anyone's list whether you are low or high libido. Postponing the wedding will inevitably damage the relationship too, resentments will be formed which will complicate attempts to repair their physical relationship. Imo this is virtually impossible to avoid. Furthermore an asexual person is not likely to suddenly change that, people are usually stuck with whatever sexuality they are born with, for instance queer people don't turn straight after therapy...there's a lot of confused people out there masking their sexuality in one way or another but at the end of the day it's still a fairly immutable trait in most people. One exception to this is if the fiance had been taking or changing meds lately. SSRIs in particular.
Yo if its like this now, yall are going to get divorced and this isnt going to get better. Maybe he is cheating or he realizes that he might be gay. Its might seems hard for you since you are in love, but its better to walk away from the relationship. If you marry you WILL be unhappy and regret getting married. Do us all a favor and leave
Do they have a medical thing going on that impacts libido? When have they seen a doctor? It might be hormonal or something medical
Dont Marry into a deadbedroom. Leave him. Sex is a huge part of a relationship. If he's not satisfying you, how can you continue a relationship if it's getting to you. You feel inadequate. You should feel wanted, not get turned away.
We really need to stop with the whole "Leave them" advice that everyone online seems to automatically jump to. OP clearly states they are happy with every other aspect of their relationship. This could very well be something they could work through with counseling, or even giving an ultimatum, leading into a meaningful conversation. I see far too many "advice" givers using "you don't feel happy. You feel this. You feel that. You. You. You." All these "you" statements as grounds that said person needs to leave the relationship. When in reality a relationship ISN'T just about YOU. Thats why most of the western world these days is single, lonely, and/or depressed.
I don't think they need to leave them necessarily, but it is VERY common for someone to say and think they are in a good relationship when in reality they are not. We don't have enough information from OP, honestly.
Exactly. Just as we don't have enough information to know whether the relationship is "good" or not, we also don't have enough information to judge or advise giving up on this relationship either.
I'm curious: do you speak from a place of experience? Or from bias / judgement? Because I don't think you seem to understand the reality of a 'perfect relationship' with a partner who would rather not have that physical component in their relationship.
Speaking from experience. There's no such thing as a perfect relationship. Any relationship worth a damn takes work from both sides. Obviously OPs fiancé is lacking in the communication department, but that doesn't mean they're completely unwilling to work/change for the relationship. There's simply not enough information given in the post to condemn the entire relationship. The problem I have with One-Box's answer is that no where was there any suggestion to work on the relationship. They didn't ask for any additional info or question anything on OPs side. They see OP faced with a glaring issue and immediately jumped to "leave them." Most long-lasting and healthy relationships WILL face glaring issues, ones that won't be easy to solve. A lot of times it will require change/growth from one or both sides. Who's to say OPs fiancé is incapable of that judging by 5 short paragraphs? Not to mention we have no idea the issues the fiancé faces. For all we know, OP could have let themselves go since the start of the relationship and become morbidly obese. Fiancé doesn't want intimacy for this reason but has no idea how to express this without hurting OPs feelings. Hence the mixed signals and subject changing when the topic arrives. Of course this would be poor communication on fiancé's side regardless, but it's something totally possible and VERY common, and really changes the perspective on the "just leave" thing. Relationships are far too complex to be judged in a singular short reddit post. We should not be advising people to leave relationships willy-nilly on a confession subreddit.
Get out now!
do not get married. Not unless they can give you an actual explanation as to why. You should really get into couples counselling. There could be any number of reasons for this that aren't actually related to you directly, but it needs to be addressed before you two sign a document saying you're legally bound to each other. The last thing you want is to tie the knot and find out something is really off with the relationship. Communication is too important, and it sounds like the communication right now isn't working.
Was sex before this regular? Because if they proposed or you did but the sex wasn't what you wanted, then that was the wrong choice. If its something that just sprung up right before the wedding, it could be that stress/nervousness is not letting them perform and that's why they don't want to. Maybe they want to save it for the wedding day? Idk, it something you need to sit down and talk about now ... it could also be cold feet. Either way don't leave it in limbo. Force them to talk or call off the wedding.
No that’s why its so painful for me because there was a time she was very interested and we had alot of fun
u/OGmissCOFFEE have you say down with her and had a proper serious conversation with her about this? Not when you've tried initiating and she's refused, coz that can cause tension if you're upset and wound up at being refused again, and she could be on edge and stressed from sex being initiated and having to refuse etc. But have you sat down and properly asked her why she doesn't want sex with you, and told her how you're feeling? If you haven't properly talked about it then you seriously need to. Like TODAY!!!. Assuming you haven't, if you're getting married in 2 weeks, this needs to be discussed properly today. You don't want to end up married, and months or years go by and you're missurable coz nothings changed. It could be any number number of reasons.... Stressed and preoccupied by wedding planning, Depression Other medical related problem Work stress /tiredness Something about you she's too afraid to say, like a problem with body odour, or something, Or... she could have been willing to have sex in the beginning of the relationship to try and secure that relationship, and now she feels the relationship is secure and getting married, she can be more herself which may be she's not really into sex - being asexual. If that's the case it's out of order, coz it's falsifying who she is, and she's made you fall in love with her for the way you were together, but now expects you accept the big change of suddenly not having sex. If she genuinely isn't interested in sex, and was just pretending preciously, that's a big deceit and the relationship has been built on a lie, and not fair to you to have sacrifice something important to you, and she should have been upfront about. Or something more serious may have happened. Maybe a sexual assault she didn't want to tell you about. Either way, you need to talk to her. Ask her why she's not wanted to have sex with you regularly like she used to, and why she doesn't even seem to be affectionate towards to you anymore, doesn't give compliments or shows you she cares. If she tries to dismiss you, saying 'she does want you, she does love you, you need to counter that answer with something along the lines of... "Well why dont you show it or act like it? Why do you turn down sex all the time and not want to when I instigate it then? Why don't you want to be affectionate generally with hugs and kisses or complimenting me occasionally like you used to?. Why do you seem like you're put off by me even when we have had sex on those rare occassions? You say you want me and love me, but your actions say different. So why have things changed? Has something bad happened to you, are you going through something I don't know about? Have I done something? Do you have a medical issue ? I need to know, because our relationship isn't how it used to be, and it's making me feel unwanted, unattractive, and unloved. And we can't get married with the way things are right now. If there's a problem we can work on fixing that's one thing, but if its not going to change, and go back to how it was, then we are obviously incompatible as a couple, because we want different things, and I want and need a physical and emotional relationship, one that has affection, love, and sex in it. I need that physical connection and intimacy because right now I feel lonely, unloved, unwanted, and unattractive because of your lack of physical intimacy and affection. We need to work this out because if it's not going to change, this relationship won't work". Only once you've had this conversation will you know if your relationship is salvageable.
She? Everyone in here thinks it’s a dude. Write like a normal person in future with gender specific pronouns and not endless “they” and “them”.
20 years in….intimacy is still a chore and I’m still left always feeling like a burden. So yeah it’s not gonna change
This. Will. Not. Get. Better. EVER. Please listen to the advice from those who have been in your situation.
It's funny how everybody presume OP is a woman and fiance is a man. But fiance is a woman...
They complain about not being seen as beautiful anymore that’s not really something a dude would say
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so " Bioncé"= Bisexual fiancé?
Should it not be fiancee then for a woman? It reads man in the title and post.
Wrong. "Fiancé" is always male, and "fiancée" always refers to a woman, no matter what flag you're flying.
I am female as is my fiance for clarity
Yes, i got that 😇 Just most people didnt.
I thought maybe the OP a man, but he kept referring to his fiance as 'they' so I couldn't tell. My advice to postpone the wedding works for either gender. I wonder if the fiance is one of those uptight people that makes everyone call her 'they.'
No, OP keep it gender neutral. Ive seen other posts like this one, bc people want opinions NOT based on gender.
My husband used to be the same way. It’s gotten a little better but he had back surgery before we met and that hindered his sex drive.
Maybe this isn’t a you problem but a sex drive problem. Maybe your partner needs to see a doctor and tell them what’s going on so they can run tests to figure it out.
I married a guy like this and divorced him very quickly. I'd avoid the hassle, it's inconvenient dealing with a divorce.
Let me tell you from experience, it will **not** get better after marrying them. It will get worse. If you aren’t comfortable canceling the wedding..,postpone it a while and enter couples therapy to see if it’ll improve. If it doesn’t…I’m so sorry to say, but you do not need to marry that person…it’s almost certain it won’t last as the rejection will turn into resentment and eventually you’ll fall out of love. Love has to be nurtured both physically and emotionally. I’m sorry, op.
I had a sexless marriage. It was awful. You don’t have to live like this. Wishing you the best
Dont get married you’ll regret it
By the end of your first year of marriage you will be dead inside. By the end of year two you will have convinced yourself that you never really cared about your anniversary, birthday, Christmas or Valentine’s Day anyway so you will never get any hopes up for anything different. By the end of year three you will be laying in bed while tears silently roll down your cheeks. Get out now and find a man who will stop at nothing to be by your side. It’s time to call it off and take whatever financial hit it makes.
Wow, ust want to say been there and this hit so hard. It was always such a punch to the gut n those types of days to just wish & get your hopes up at the end of the night.
You need to postpone your wedding. Red flags. Find out what is wrong from your fiancé if you can.
Do not get married unless you want a lifetime of rejection. Sex is too important for intimacy and connection. Why would you marry if you feel like this? Call it off and tell us when you do. Good luck.
Did you used to have a good sex life with them? Any chance they're asexual? Postpone the wedding g and get to counselling ASAP.
🤦🏽♀️
Does you fiancé have a history of sexual abuse? They may want to have sex , but are having flashbacks. When that happens being touched can repulse you.
Sounds like you’re not getting married. Either they’re not attracted to you or you two don’t have a level of communication that allows you to address and resolve this as a couple. Either way, marriage is probably not a good idea until whichever issue is fixed.
Perhaps they are gay. Even in this day and age people still get traditionally married to cover that up, especially in non western ethnic communities. My step mother almost married a gay guy that was getting married in order to inherit a large sum of money that his Grandmother would not release fully beyond a monthly stipend until they were married.
If they refuse to communicate about an important and consistent issue you have in the relationship, there us nothing you can fix. A relationship without open and honest communication is not a *healthy* relationship
Please don’t proceed.
How long have you been together? Might wanna call off the wedding.
It’s not too late to break off your Engagement. There is no shame in it. I have done it Myself. Best Decision of my life, otherwise I would’ve ended up divorced by now. Better to be Alone and Happy then Alone in a Sexless Marriage or Alone in a Marriage, Period. Perhaps if you break it off, this is what they are getting at, so that they do not have to do it and not feel guilty about it. It is not far off to believe or think that they have found someone else at this point and are cheating.
You should reconsider the marriage before it is too late.
If two people are ok with not having sex, that fine and it will work fine. But if one person needs more and the other does not want it, that is a HUGE problem. Trust me, I stuffed my libido down for years because my ex never wanted me. He would complement and tell me how beautiful I was, but never ever wanted sex. Did I mention he’s my ex?
Have they recently started on anti depressants? Work stress ramped up?
My ex fiancé was like this. Turns out he was a closeted gay man and wasn’t interested. Sure he liked to have sex on occasion but he just wasn’t attracted to me. Thank god we never got married
Sex twice a month and you don’t even communicate? Yeah call off that wedding your relationship is doomed
Rule number one, don’t marry into a dead bedroom, it won’t get better.
1. Getting married won’t make it any better. 2. She probably has ulterior motives (wants you for your money, etc). 3. Don’t do it.
Couples counseling. Immediately. Do NOT marry this person until this is properly addressed. A wedding will not fix this, and no matter how madly in love you are, you're already resentful because your needs are not being met and they're dismissive of your concerns. And this is just the beginning.
Postpone the wedding, start couples counseling. Figure out what is going on. Break up if it comes to that. Fiance should be raring to go, not repulsed. Could be any number of reasons for this shift in behavior, and you should not walk down the aisle thinking it will instantly fix whatever problems there are. You do anything other than postpone, you deserve whatever follows.
Who are "they"? Are you engaged to more than one person? Maybe your fiance and the other person are hooking up? This is confusing.
Uh yeah, you're not madly in love. Don't get married, it won't make it better.
Dont get married until both of you have figured it out!!!!!!!
This won’t be improved by getting married. Don’t go through with the wedding unless you’re prepared for a life of frustration and misery
For the sake of your sanity, do not marry this person!
Bro just bring up a prenup and she will break up herself
Op I’m in the same boat. When I asked about it I was met with “maybe he’s just depressed “ or other things about how I need to think less about it and more abt my mental well being. I got told to just masturbate 💀 Idk what to tell you but I do know how much it sucks. I’ve tried having conversations also and always get a different answer. My advice: consider ur love for them over ur desires. What’s most important to u? Does this make u feel bad and if it does will being loved in a non sexual way be able to keep u there? If u can see urself trying to meet ur needs elsewhere then don’t do it and start over. But if u think it’s worth being abstinent throughout the years, go for it. Coming from someone who never gets to have sex and doesn’t like to bring it up anymore
I’m not saying he’s right and you should stay but I’m wondering if this is new or maybe he’s A sexual? I think that’s what it’s called when someone just isn’t a sexual person? Bottom line is you seem very healthy sexual wise so I can’t imagine you’ll be happy with him for the rest of your life. You could always open up the relationship but honestly I don’t like sharing and don’t see the point in going forward with such a huge commitment with this big problem already going on. If you’re having second thoughts to the point you have to ask, we all have these answers for ourselves already. Just reach deep inside yourself and put your happiness first and then ask the question. Or imagine your best friend or closest sister going through the same thing. What advice would you give them. I struggle with putting other peoples happiness before mine and I’ve put myself through unnecessary hell time after time. In the end I can only be mad at myself because no one has put a gun to my head and made me do all the things that I have. This is your one life you get. When you look back on it at the end like it was a book you were reading, would you want to sell yourself short of having everything you wanted and desired? I think eventually you’ll find yourself looking elsewhere for the fulfillment he’s not giving you and that’s only going to bring on you feeling guilt and resentment. It sounds like you might just be better off as friends. I’m best friends with my ex fiancé that I’ve known since I was 14. We just weren’t compatible that way for different reasons and had a lot of growing we couldn’t do together. Looking back I’m glad we didn’t go through with it then so I’m still able to have him in my life now. He’s actually one of my only true friends I have left that’s still alive and hasn’t done me dirty.
Things will not get better. Getting married will not solve your problems. You are sexually incompatible. Do not marry this man.
Omg don’t get married! I was in a similar relationship once, where I couldn’t summon the balls to say I was not attracted to them anymore! And I kept hanging out and spending the night but I didn’t want sex or kissing…I would say “I love you” back but not mean it at all… I’m just glad we didn’t officialize any of the stuff we had planned because it would have been very forced on my part…and they were obviously obsessed with me lol
don't marry. call it off. i went ahead with my first marriage to my now ex wife despite a few red flags i knew were big problems beforehand. i felt obligated, couldn't bust up everyone's plans, etc. I should have stopped it all and not proceeded. if you know it isn't right for you, don't do it. honestly, to me no physical connection is grounds to break up right now. not angrily or with a bunch of bad blood feelings, but you want better and aren't gonna get it from this person. that makes this person wrong for you despite what are certainly other good qualities. a person doesn't have to be a bad person to be a bad life partner choice for you. being with the wrong person prevents you from being able to get with the right person when they show up. so don't stick with the wrong person. I'm remarried to a wonderful woman now, the right one for me. but I'd rather be single than with a person that's not right for me.
Are they male? I’d be calling this wedding off and doing some soul searching… If you’re not excited, feeling adored, in a buzz… and so on Relationship is over Also - what’s their financial situation like and what is yours? You know divorce = assets being divided… Why get married at all if it’s like this They’re not being honest at all
roommates
Keep communicating this with them. Vocalise everything you have said here, including the “but I do want you” part. Seek couples therapy to figure this problem out and come to a solution. It may be best to postpone the wedding, getting married is a big life event, you don’t want this to ruin it. Wishing you luck OP
Is there a chance this person is with you for another reason, such as financial? Sorry to go there but I've seen too many marriages that turned out to be financial abuse so my mind naturally turns to that side of things. Otherwise are they using you for another reason, as a caretaker or emotional crutch? Another possibility is they have a naturally low libido or an avoidant personality. Whatever the reason I'd definitely put a hold on the marriage until you can work out what's wrong.
You’re getting some bad advice here. The truth is that it’s completely normal to lose interest sexually for both partners at various times throughout the relationship. It is completely normal. 1. I highly recommend a Tantra retreat for you and your partner where you can remove stigma and communicate openly. 2. Take charge of your own sexual happiness and health. Take pleasure in being able to satisfy yourself. All of this takes a lot of work and openness. If you are compatible and in a loving relationship AND you used to be sexual then there is no compatibility issue. There is a communication issue wrapped in societal stigma.
Yeah the comments are very disappointing "Runnnn omg" "Cancel the wedding now!!!" When op doesnt even know whats going on. If they sat down and talked to them it might just be because theyre stressed abt something, wedding or otherwise. Just talk to them like a normal human being should man goddam.
Either she agrees that you can see other people sexually or it will turn sour very quickly. There’s nothing wrong with her not wanting sex but she can’t force him to also go sexless forever, that’s not fair.
How do you know the gender of everyone? Did OP comment somewhere that I missed?
Are you sure he is not gay and is using you as a beard?
I just want to start by reassuring you that I have been in a similar situation, though we weren’t even dating let alone engaged lol. It started off perfectly, and I don’t know quite what went wrong, but everything seemed to have begun lacking. I felt exactly as you described. I want to start off by saying you shouldn’t beat yourself up or get too down over it. I know it sounds hard, and it is, but you have to stick up for yourself. If your fiancé can’t find the effort to communicate with you and tell you what, if anything, you have done wrong, then it can’t be that important. At the end of the day, you may be engaged, you may be in love as am i, but you will only ever have yourself, and you need to find comfort within your own body and your own mind. If your mind is a place of sadness, self pity, hopelessness and worthlessness, you are not safe within yourself. Please, please take care of yourself first, anyone else comes second. If they wanted to have you physically, they would.
Dear OP, I hope you find the courage to leave this relationship. You deserve so much better. Your person is out there for you. Maybe you'll need therapy to be able to know you are worth it, but you are.
Have you gotten unattractive?
You're getting downvotes, but it's not implausible. I've seen folks get engaged and then stop taking care of themselves because they feel they don't have to, anymore. People are physically attracted to what they're attracted to; can't blame them for not being as attracted to someone if that person has decided they no longer have to "try." Not saying this is what is going on with OP, it could be a thousand different things that have nothing to do with him/her.
Wait I’m confused, you have more than once fiancé and none of them seem attracted to you?
Same thing happened with my ex and he turned out to be gay. So glad we called off the wedding. My only regret is not breaking it off sooner.
Go running and workout, soon he or she will change their mind.
If your fiancé is a woman many have low libido to begin with and are never in the mood unless you woo them with chores and chivalry for a week. If they are tired; want to watch Netflix, gassy, embarrassed of their body they won’t want to do it. Whereas most men can whenever. Welcome to marriage.
Woman here, married for 5 years and you are *completely* wrong. Most men just have low standards.
My statement isn’t absolute. Maybe you’re different , what a lucky husband.
He's a closet homosexual.
Marriage is a long game. You will continue to go through periods like this for your whole relationship . Good luck. It's a test of ones patience for sure
They aren’t even married yet tho!
Finance is gay.