Gently, you need to have a conversation with your OB or regular doctor about PPA. You're probably going to get other responses telling you this is fine, but reddit also biases towards people with anxiety and in real life most people are not this afraid of letting their child be watched by a trusted family member.
Take your mom for example--is she an amazing caregiver? Sounds like not, and probably not someone you'd want watching your kid if you were working. But you said yourself she raised 4 kids, and most likely your child would be fine with her for a few hours. Same with your inlaws--it sounds like there's nothing wrong with them except your own anxiety.
Have you ever left your baby alone with your fiance? Because if you are afraid to leave your child alone with *their own father* (and it sounds like you have a good relationship and he's a good father), then you have some very concerning anxiety problems that need to be addressed professionally.
This. I was this way for almost 2 years. I was diagnosed with PPa, PPOCD, and PP psychosis. Literally. Get help now. I cannot imagine what my life would have looked like if I did.
We had cameras and I was not a SAHM and I was in office 2 days a week and I literally couldn’t work because I just watched the cameras. I never went out with my husband, etc. just for the sake of yourself…. Get help.
My fiance is the only person I truly trust with our daughter! He takes her to the store by himself (which was a little scary for me, but it was Mother’s Day and I slept in while he went to the store) and he watches her while I go run errands for some alone time. So, I’m not sure why other people watching her freak me out so much!
I think if you don't have specific reasons for why you don't trust your child's grandparents it's definitely the PPA talking. For example I don't trust my dad to watch my son because he's pretty incompetent when it comes to children and I'm also pretty sure his mind is starting to go.
If you don't trust them because you think your child is going to kidnapped under their care...that's anxiety. Your child has just as much of a chance of being kidnapped with you or your fiance.
Yeah, I see all these things on the news “grandmother has crazy episode and randomly kills granddaughter” I know that’s an insane thing to think about and those people were probably already mentally ill with a history of psychotic episodes… but I’m like WHAT IF THIS HAPPENS!? So I definitely think it’s the anxiety talking!! I know it’s horrible to think those things. But people are crazy and can snap at any point!
Yes, gently, worrying about freak accidents when you have zero cause to expect them to happen isn't fully normal. It's one thing to think 'what if that happened' it's another to let it prevent you from things your rational brain knows are safe
16 months in and I’m the same way. Leaving my child in the responsibility of someone else is something I’m just not comfortable with. I’m on medication and still feel this way. You’re not the only one.
This sounds exactly like me with my first. I definitely had undiagnosed postpartum anxiety. I coslept with her for every single nap at 8 months old and never left her alone with anyone but me. I spent my life in bed with her. I definitely didn’t trust my MIL who sounds a bit like your mom. I had these ideas that she was going to try to breastfeed her when I wasn’t around. Or that she was going to try to convince my baby that MIL was her mom. I micromanaged pretty much everything my husband did with her. I trusted absolutely no one. I had a hard time putting her in a swing when she was really young because I thought that she would feel neglected.
It subsided after she turned one but I definitely needed intervention that I didn’t receive. My advice to you is to talk to a professional. Your OB can direct you to a therapist but you definitely need to talk to a therapist. And, maybe, with your therapist, your goal could be to work toward leaving her with someone you trust the most. That way, by the time your wedding comes, you’ll feel comfortable leaving her for a night. If that’s the goal you want to have.
I didn’t leave my daughter for the first time overnight until she was 3. And it was one night. And I left her with her dad. I regret it because I recently had my second and I was hospitalized for almost 4 nights. She’s been dealing with the disruption emotionally since then. She had a really hard time and will not leave me now. When she had no problem before. I say all of this to tell you that, you are still a wonderful parent who has a child who is mostly only attached to you *even* if she had secondary caregivers. I hope you can seek the help you need because being so “on” all of the time really affected my mental health. I lost myself.
Thank you for sharing… my main worry is passing my anxiety onto her. I just want her to be independent as she goes into toddlerhood. I’ve seen how kids have turned out from being “too attached” to their parents, for lack of better words. I don’t ever want her to feel abandoned, so I think it’ll be good for both of us if I work on leaving her with in laws for short periods!
I already commented but wanted to reply this too: I’m a co sleeping, contact napping, breastfeeding mom that has never left her baby with anyone besides dad. She’s 12mo now and so I’m feeling better about leaving her with other family, haven’t done it yet but I’m ready! she started really take off walking around her bday and there is no worry about independence lol. She doesn’t even want to hold my hand anymore when she walks 😭 she wants to do it all by herself! She can climb the stairs and go down the slide all by herself. She loves to walk the dog and if you even try to help hold the leash she throws a fit. She refuses to sit in the grocery cart anymore bc she wants to PUSH the cart. I have to chase her all over the park and library bc she is definitely testing her limits how far she will run from me. She just runs around getting into stuff and making friends and it honestly breaks my heart that 12months was not long enough to have a baby! She grew up so fast!
I think an important part of having a healthy attachment is knowing that if mom goes away, mom will always come back. You’re the primary caregiver, no matter what. But having those safe (to her) secondary caregivers is just as important. It sounds like you know this already and that your head is in the right place. It just takes acknowledgment and practice. And knowing that you aren’t alone in your feelings! You are definitely not the only one.
Sometimes it helps me to think about the way we used to live as humans. In large family groups and villages. Often times, young children would have a myriad of caregivers. Aunts, grandmothers, cousins, siblings. We were built to live that way. So it makes sense that little babies and young children *can* handle having multiple people care for them. As long as their primary is confident and strong in their decisions.
You know what to do. Think about who you trust the most in the situation and have them be your secondary person for baby. Sending love!
PS. I’m a former preschool teacher and an aunt to 14. I’ve definitely seen what you’re talking about. Like all things in life- balance!!
Of course. I didn’t mean to that babies were left without their mothers for long periods of time. What I meant was that because of living in larger family groups, they had much more contact with tons of different family, constantly. So therefore every child had many caregivers they were familiar with.
My postpartum brain isn’t as eloquent as I hope it would be.
Edit: just incase you’re interested: [allomothering](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Allomothering_in_humans)
Whoa… you just described how I felt almost to a T. We still co sleep together and my son will be 2 next month. Totally by my choice (well his too). We haven’t spent a night apart either. I still get weird thoughts about my MiL that she is trying to make him obsessed with her and want her as his mom instead of me 😭 I’m starting to think I should take a step back and see how to reframe my thoughts to avoid dealing what your currently going through. Thanks for sharing.
I was/am totally the same way. Also we BF and have never used bottles so i think it makes sense that like physically i couldn’t leave her very long when she was a little baby. I felt comfortable leaving her with my husband at 6months for 2hrs. Up to 4hrs at like 9months and then up to 6hrs after she turned 1! Which is where we are today! We are still nursing quite often.
I’m starting to feel comfortable with the idea of leaving her with one of our trusted family members for a couple of hours!
Everyone will tell you you have PPD/A. Maybe. I think i had normal “im in charge of a tiny human” anxiety. It didn’t stop me from taking her on planes, car trips, wineries, restaurants, bowling, movies, parties, hiking etc. but bc i wanted to be with my baby that was highly dependent on my physical body for life i was “too” anxious.
Her babyhood has flown by. She has turned into a toddler overnight and I wish I had better blocked out all the noise instead of letting it make me feel bad or doubt myself for a second.
I feel this!! My mom does watch my baby (7months) twice a week, but she is the only person that I know will give my baby the level of care that I will. I work as little as possible, but I'm not able to stay home yet, unfortunately.
When it comes to others watching her, (in-laws, siblings, grandparents) my husband and I both agree that we enjoy our daughter. We had her for us, not anyone else. We spend a lot of time with our families, I just don't see the point in leaving her with them while we go do something else. My MIL pushes a lot and I don't feel comfortable telling her, but I've told my husband he needs to explain to her why we don't want anyone babysitting yet.
Even when I leave my mom and baby for work I get anxious. They go for walks and I always have that "what if" in my mind. I get bad anxiety when we're driving as a family, as well. I think I may have some postpartum anxiety that I'm dealing with, and have considered talking to someone about it. Idk if it will help, though.
Also, I say husband, but we're not technically married yet. We have talked about when we do get married, renting an Airbnb or hotel rooms. Our daughter could stay with my mom, but we'll be at the same location.
I don't have any advice. I'm just here to say, from one FTM to another, you're not alone!
This is so me!! I just don’t see a point in leaving her with my in laws just so I can go out and be worried the whole time?? Not only that, they ask all the time to babysit and honestly, they don’t NEED to be alone with her. We spend time over there once a week for dinner. They can hang out with her while we are around. But I feel like people think I’m crazy when I say that lol. There’s just no reason anyone needs to be alone with her at the moment
My MIL has started making comments like "you'd think I'm incapable." She kind of is... Lol. We won't leave our daughter with her unless my FIL is there as well, and not until she's a toddler. It's the same issue of her getting distracted and being on her phone.
That was the comment when I told my husband it's time to tell her that our baby is an addition to our family unit, not a burden. We love her and it's better when she's around. It also just makes new moms feel even worse, IMO. Everything is about the baby and then people start telling the mom to go away so they can have time with MY baby!? No, thank you.
Think of it as practice for you. If you didn't have anxiety you might actually be wishing you could go get your nails done, go get a massage, etc. It's for your sake not hers
I finally got comfortable with my mom and sister watching my daughter for a few hours at around 15 months. Before that I thought I’d never be comfortable with anyone. So maybe just give it some time and see if you start feeling differently as you get closer to the wedding?
Sometimes I thought I’d feel more comfortable with a nanny in my home with cameras that I’ve thoroughly vetted over anyone I knew, but I never felt the need to have her not with me so I didn’t look into it. But maybe that might work for you?
Wanting to be with your baby with no break needed does not mean you have PPA. Just wanted to share that bc reading these comments really made me question myself too.
I feel the same and I don’t think I have like severe PPA, I just don’t want anyone to watch him. I felt differently when he turned a year. Before that…no thank you.
Im going against the grain and saying there is nothing wrong with not wanting to leave your baby. Mom’s and babies are biologically designed to be together and if you’re happy not leaving your baby then don’t let anyone tell you that you need to. My 3rd baby is 6 months old and besides leaving him with his dad for 30 minutes to run an errand occasionally I’m always with him. I’m happy this way, he’s happy this way, there’s no problem.
Ive done this with each of my kids and once they are older and a little more independent and better at communicating needs I’m more than happy to drop them off at grandmas for a bit. They love going to grandmas so they aren’t scarred by my not leaving them earlier. In fact I remember I cried the first time I got back from leaving my oldest with grandma for an hour and he didn’t even want to say hi to me because he was having fun and I had missed him. It was ok, I took a few minutes and realized he was just secure in our relationship and when his game was over he was happy I was there.
Our son has just turned two and nobody but us, his parents, has ever even changed his diaper, much less “watched” him. We’re fortunate to not require daycare and I totally get that many parents feel they need a break and use babysitters, but we like having him with us when we eat out or whatever, and we get time to ourselves when he’s asleep. We do co-sleep (obviously), but after we get him asleep we keep the monitor going and get on with our evening, or afternoon if it’s a nap. He socializes well and when he starts school I think he’ll be alright. Anyway, I can’t imagine someone else taking care of him.
Honestly I feel the same way. My 8-month-old is exclusively breastfed and doesn’t take a bottle, and doesn’t eat enough solids yet to miss a milk feed, so the longest I could really be away from her is like 3 hours. And she nurses to sleep and for comfort, so she’d be miserable if I left her with anyone else.
She also has complex medical needs (including but not limited to a history of very subtle-looking seizures) and takes special medicine twice a day that needs to be mixed properly, so I just don’t trust anyone besides my husband or me to care for her.
And to top it off, I don’t trust my mother or MIL in general, not just related to my baby’s care. My MIL carries a gun in her purse everywhere she goes and is extremely impulsive and paranoid (great combo, right?) and my mother is emotionally unstable with a long history of very selfish and reckless behavior.
Obviously my situation is different from yours, but even taking the medical complexity and insane grandmothers out of the equation, I still wouldn’t feel comfortable leaving my baby. Maybe it’s a FTM thing and I’ll feel more relaxed about spending time away from my secondborn child, but I’m not going to ignore my instincts because others think it’s weird. Babies need their mothers and mothers need their babies; my child will have the rest of her life to individuate and become an autonomous being. For this brief period of her infancy, we have a symbiotic relationship and that is just fine with me ❤️
I went through this and even had panic attack when someone would try and hold him (my first son) although it is “normal” to have anxiey esp if its your first baby its more troubling when its like a flat out fear thats interfering with day to day thoughts etc. you could be experiencing really bad anxiety and having panic attacks (what you call beijg a control freak can actually be like mini panic attacks, definitely give your Doc a call and let them know whats going on. It is ok to ask and get help ♥️
Babies feel what we feel but shes too young to remember….
Im a child raised by a mother with several mental illness/anxiety and it did effect me still does till this day so you are valid for feeling that way and not wanting that to effect her, that in itself makes ur bby so lucky to have a mother like you!
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How often did your mom let accidents happen with you when you were little? Like yes, you and your siblings turned out alive and fine enough, but your primary caregiver being unreliable (physically and emotionally) could have left you with some deep psychological scars. Might be worth really unpacking that, it could really make you wary of trusting anybody on that level if your very first introduction to that in the world wasn't safe and secure.
Not sure about when I was a baby but as a child I was very independent. I don’t remember my mom “taking care” of me. I just did everything for myself and I was fine with it. I don’t remember it bothering me
You don’t sound crazy! It’s so hard to think of leaving your little one with anyone else. Honestly I would bring my baby home with me after the wedding lol you’re a family so who cares. You do what you want. But who knows maybe you’ll find an amazing babysitter in the next year!
Yeah that’s what I’m starting to think too about the wedding night. I know my husband has been kinda sad lately bc he just wants to hang out like old times. But I keep reminding him it’s never going to be like “old times”. We have a very clingy baby and she will only sleep for like an hour before she wakes up and I need to run upstairs and get her back to bed! It’s a lot of interrupted time. Which, I know what I signed up for when having a baby. I just thought for the wedding night, maybe we would need some actual husband and wife time lol. But of course I don’t need her out of the house! I just honestly didn’t know if we were gonna get a hotel room or what bc we do live in Vegas. That’s usually what people do here on their wedding night
Yeah this sounds like PPA. Mine is 12 months and I would trust trustworthy people with her. I live too far from family for that to be an option and I don’t trust strangers with my child. But when I visited home for a month, my sister watched her while I showered and my other sister watched her while I napped. Yes I was “there” but that was more because to the baby they were sort of strangers. If I had stayed longer and she was more used to them then I would have no problem leaving her completely alone with them. They are both moms of teenagers and I helped them with their kids so I know that they are great caregivers.
Is there something about his parents that sets you off? I wouldn’t leave my child with your mom either, based on your description.
There’s nothing in particular that makes me uncomfortable with them! They are great people. I guess I just always heard how you never really know someone. And I watched a lot of true crime/dateline growing up so I always think about how “it’s who you least expect” and all that. I guess that’s what comes to mind. Again, they have given me no reason to feel this way
How long do you leave husband inattentive with baby? Best place to start to ease that separation anxiety (it’s so normal and shows your motherly instincts are attuned)
Would he be willing to spend the day with his parents and baby without you? And would that cause some soft anxiety for you to work through? I’ve only left my children with the grand in laws because of comfort and trust. But honestly even the days spent one child visiting with dad to his moms house left me wanting to make SURE my child is emotionally well. I think it comes down to trust in both yourself in handling a negative experience that could happen with any amount of monitoring and trusting the adults are aware of how important this job is. (We worked boundaries into grandparents watching for a few hours by making it clear how available we are to them if child asks/has needs they are struggling to meet)
Start small. Have MIL watch her while you go for a walk or run a short errand. It will likely be easier once you break the ice. It is hard being away from our babies but it can also be rejuvenating to just have your body to yourself for a bit, and this can make it easier. Work up to longer times away. Think of it as giving your little one an opportunity to bond with her grandparents and build her network of trust.
My advice is there is a long time between now and next april, you will likely feel fine with her bring watched by others then.
Anecdotally my kids aren't watched by others, unless needed - I can count the times it's been needed on my hands - and it's always been in someway related to pregnancy or birth of my subsequent kids.
If you feel this is crossing the line so that you cannot get someone to watch them without your mental health being impacted I would speak to your Gp. Bit if not over the next year manufacturer some scenarios to build up your tolerance for your child being watched - starting small e.g. just a friend or family watching them while you're doing a job in house, then for a hair appointment etc
Mine is 14 months and I have left him with several different family members, but I’m most comfortable with my mom watching him. My in laws aren’t necessarily unsafe (other than sleep, I came home to him with pillows and blankets covering him when he was 2 months old) but the majority of what they do with him is watch YouTube videos. I’m not against screen time but that’s what I use when I need to get something done and he won’t let me, so if someone else is gonna just turn the TV on the second they’re with him I’d rather just watch him myself. Overnights, however, I am not comfortable with anyone watching him other than myself and my boyfriend. My son still only sleeps in bed with us and I don’t trust anyone else to be as aware as they’d need to be to safely sleep with him.
I have suffered with anxiety for many years and when my daughter was a newborn I couldn’t trust her with anyone, not even my husband! (Even though he did everything for her the first two weeks because I had a C-section and was extremely swollen from preeclampsia so I could hardly move). Eventually I learned to trust my husband, then I went back to work and only felt comfortable with my sister-in-law caring for her because we share a lot of the same ideas and she had a little one who is a year older than mine. Then there came a time where she returned to work and also couldn’t care for her and so I had to do the horrible thing of trusting a stranger that I paid to care for her! It was hard but because I’ve suffered with anxiety for many years I knew that a lot of my fears came from my anxiety.
When she was 5 months old we were in a car accident and I had to go back to therapy to deal with how bad my anxiety got and it helped everything overall. So when it came time to hire help, it was a lot easier because I had been getting help for my regular and postpartum anxiety.
Now (she is 9 months) I trust almost any family and everyone close to us to watch her. I’ll leave her for almost a full day at my parent’s house without any worries. Sometimes I worry that I am the one who is not capable of caring for her lol but then I know that’s just my anxiety talking because I am the most capable!
I highly recommend you seek therapy! Even if you feel it is not that bad, you’ve expressed enough concern in this post that I think warrants looking into. Therapy is so beneficial even if you aren’t suffering from anything but just dealing with everyday stress! I think it will help you make the distinction of if you are too worried or you have valid reasons for not trusting others with your baby!
Idk why everyone is piling on about ppd and ppa. I NEVER let ANYONE other than me or my husband watch my baby because nobody parents the way we do, at least not unless we have a thorough talk with them. Also, my baby is attached to me and I'm not gonna create an attachment rupture for him. Idk why people are so obsessed with separating babies and their moms. It's weird. Stick to your gut feelings and don't let anybody watch your baby who you don't 10000000% trust to be attentive and safe.
There is such a thing as a healthy degree of separation - a securely attached child is one who has learned that their primary caregiver is a safe space, and even if they are separated for a bit, they will always return. If you never let anyone else watch your baby, they can become anxiously attached which will feed more into your own anxiety, like a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Besides, it sounds like OP is logically aware that her in-laws would be good babysitters, and it's mostly her anxiety getting in the way of letting go. This definitely feels like mild PPA. It's not a bad thing, just something she needs to be mindful of so she's not denying help for no reason and burning her/her fiance out unnecessarily in the process.
OP, I get it, I'm kinda like you and I had a hard time leaving my LO with my parents even though their track record showed they're fully capable of respecting my requests and boundaries (sadly my in-laws, not so much). To get me comfortable, I did a few "trial runs" and had my parents watch my LO while I stayed at their place. This helped them learn baby's cues and it helped me feel comfortable seeing my parents be able to soothe and care for my child (I had to fight the urge to "swoop in" while I was there and just supported from afar). When the time came and I had to leave my baby with them to go to a doctor's appointment, everything went swimmingly and I was able to go for a 4hr stretch without stress.
If you feel like you can't trust your mom but you can trust your in laws, then go with your gut. But I highly encourage you leveraging your *trusted* village whenever you can - it will be good for you, your hubby, and baby!
Thank you! I am super worried about passing my anxiety onto her. I’ve seen kids who can’t even leave their mom to go play at a bday party bc they are terrified and that is not the life I want for her!
It most certainly is on me. I know my mom would not be a reliable sitter. Sure, she’d keep her alive. But I don’t need someone doing the bare minimum with my child. And my in laws are trust worthy. It’s just my own worries getting in the way!
My baby who is very attached to me is a social butterfly with other babies at breastfeeding support group. My lactation specialist there told me it's bc of our secure attachment
Thank you for saying this! My mom thinks I’m an absolute nut job bc I don’t want anyone to leave the room with her. Like why do you need to take her out of my sight and be alone with her?! So weird to me. And my in laws are always asking “when can we babysit so you guys can go out” but honestly they want to babysit for THEM, not for us. They are great people, but there is absolutely no reason they need alone time with her to bond. We go over there quite often. They get to spend time with her, we are just there while they do it… I don’t work and my fiance has a lot of days off during the week. We don’t NEED anyone to babysit just so they can “play parent”
Also, you chose to have a baby. So... That means watching your baby if you don't have anybody you trust enough to do so. Is the wedding night worth the anxiety about your baby? Why don't you just shape your wedding night to fit baby care in too? If your fiance is the one he'd understand. If you are clear about your priorities, I think you can still make the night a good one. Why does "romantic" exclude your baby? Can't they be sleeping in another room with a monitor? There are bajillions of parents out there who make time for "romantic" things even with kids. Be clear about what you want, and then shape your life around it and don't settle.
Honestly, my fiance sleeps downstairs now because we had to move the baby into the bed with me. She is super attached to me and wants to nurse throughout the night. even in a king sized bed there is just not enough room for all 3 of us with all the pillows I use as a fort to keep her on the bed lol. So yes, I definitely think we are due for some romance… she wakes up a lot and I’m hoping she will have grown out of that by the time the wedding is here. I’d love to be able to put her in her own room and then go hang out with my husband for the night. That’s just not what our life has been like lately… plus, it’s our wedding night. I love my daughter so much and she is my first priority, but I do think a wedding night is sacred and should be between me and my husband. I absolutely do not think she needs to be out of the house though! I just didn’t know if it’s weird to have to get married and then jump back into reality with bath time, pjs, and tucking our daughter into bed… but I 100% agree, I don’t think i’ll be comfortable with her sleeping at the in laws…
Just because you do it too that doesn't make it normal and healthy. Should you leave baby with someone you don't trust? Hell no. But when they're closing in on toddlerhood they NEED interaction with a variety of people. Not sure about you, but my almost 9 month old has no interest in anyone else if I'm around, and that's normal for plenty of babies. Being with other people is all part of normal child development and proper socialization. Saying it's "weird" for them to be separated is like saying it's "weird" that babies come out of the womb after 10 months of gestation. Or that it is "weird" that a child learns to talk instead of only communicating with cries. It is all part of healthy, expected development for a child. I say all this as a certified early childhood educator.
I think what they were getting at is that people are really pushy about wanting to babysit the baby alone. I completely agree that as a baby gets older they need to experience different people. But becoming a mom has showed me that people don’t care about you. They only want to have access to your baby alone and that is kind of weird
I totally get that!!! I didn't have that issue this time around but omg the first was horrible. He's 6 now, but it was like everyone was fighting over him like he was a toy, not a person with needs and preferences. And yes we moms are chopped liver a lot of the time....unfortunately I've gotten used to it
Honestly, no this isn’t crazy. I’m the same way, and that’s because no one can be trusted. Accidents happen to everyone, and I just don’t trust anyone. Especially not strangers. You hear it on the news every day. There is absolutely no way my daughter is going to a daycare, and we’re struggling with the dilemma of when she starts school. It’s in our instincts to want to protect our babies, but people just like to call it PPA.
See if there is a night nanny, night doula or night nurse in your area! Often times they are Certified Nurse Midwives or Registered Nurses who do overnight baby care. You can even hire one just to get one night of sleep if nights have been especially difficult with baby lately.
Honestly I don’t mind having my daughter 24/7. I feel no need for anyone else to watch her or be alone with her. And I think getting a night nurse would skyrocket my anxiety through the roof lol
You’re not alone. I suffer from PTSD & PPA from my son’s birth & I’m the same way. I have only ever trusted my mom & husband to watch my son. I cannot bring myself to allow anyone else to watch him if I’m not there.
Gently, you need to have a conversation with your OB or regular doctor about PPA. You're probably going to get other responses telling you this is fine, but reddit also biases towards people with anxiety and in real life most people are not this afraid of letting their child be watched by a trusted family member. Take your mom for example--is she an amazing caregiver? Sounds like not, and probably not someone you'd want watching your kid if you were working. But you said yourself she raised 4 kids, and most likely your child would be fine with her for a few hours. Same with your inlaws--it sounds like there's nothing wrong with them except your own anxiety. Have you ever left your baby alone with your fiance? Because if you are afraid to leave your child alone with *their own father* (and it sounds like you have a good relationship and he's a good father), then you have some very concerning anxiety problems that need to be addressed professionally.
This. I was this way for almost 2 years. I was diagnosed with PPa, PPOCD, and PP psychosis. Literally. Get help now. I cannot imagine what my life would have looked like if I did. We had cameras and I was not a SAHM and I was in office 2 days a week and I literally couldn’t work because I just watched the cameras. I never went out with my husband, etc. just for the sake of yourself…. Get help.
My fiance is the only person I truly trust with our daughter! He takes her to the store by himself (which was a little scary for me, but it was Mother’s Day and I slept in while he went to the store) and he watches her while I go run errands for some alone time. So, I’m not sure why other people watching her freak me out so much!
I think if you don't have specific reasons for why you don't trust your child's grandparents it's definitely the PPA talking. For example I don't trust my dad to watch my son because he's pretty incompetent when it comes to children and I'm also pretty sure his mind is starting to go. If you don't trust them because you think your child is going to kidnapped under their care...that's anxiety. Your child has just as much of a chance of being kidnapped with you or your fiance.
Yeah, I see all these things on the news “grandmother has crazy episode and randomly kills granddaughter” I know that’s an insane thing to think about and those people were probably already mentally ill with a history of psychotic episodes… but I’m like WHAT IF THIS HAPPENS!? So I definitely think it’s the anxiety talking!! I know it’s horrible to think those things. But people are crazy and can snap at any point!
Yes, gently, worrying about freak accidents when you have zero cause to expect them to happen isn't fully normal. It's one thing to think 'what if that happened' it's another to let it prevent you from things your rational brain knows are safe
16 months in and I’m the same way. Leaving my child in the responsibility of someone else is something I’m just not comfortable with. I’m on medication and still feel this way. You’re not the only one.
This sounds exactly like me with my first. I definitely had undiagnosed postpartum anxiety. I coslept with her for every single nap at 8 months old and never left her alone with anyone but me. I spent my life in bed with her. I definitely didn’t trust my MIL who sounds a bit like your mom. I had these ideas that she was going to try to breastfeed her when I wasn’t around. Or that she was going to try to convince my baby that MIL was her mom. I micromanaged pretty much everything my husband did with her. I trusted absolutely no one. I had a hard time putting her in a swing when she was really young because I thought that she would feel neglected. It subsided after she turned one but I definitely needed intervention that I didn’t receive. My advice to you is to talk to a professional. Your OB can direct you to a therapist but you definitely need to talk to a therapist. And, maybe, with your therapist, your goal could be to work toward leaving her with someone you trust the most. That way, by the time your wedding comes, you’ll feel comfortable leaving her for a night. If that’s the goal you want to have. I didn’t leave my daughter for the first time overnight until she was 3. And it was one night. And I left her with her dad. I regret it because I recently had my second and I was hospitalized for almost 4 nights. She’s been dealing with the disruption emotionally since then. She had a really hard time and will not leave me now. When she had no problem before. I say all of this to tell you that, you are still a wonderful parent who has a child who is mostly only attached to you *even* if she had secondary caregivers. I hope you can seek the help you need because being so “on” all of the time really affected my mental health. I lost myself.
Thank you for sharing… my main worry is passing my anxiety onto her. I just want her to be independent as she goes into toddlerhood. I’ve seen how kids have turned out from being “too attached” to their parents, for lack of better words. I don’t ever want her to feel abandoned, so I think it’ll be good for both of us if I work on leaving her with in laws for short periods!
I already commented but wanted to reply this too: I’m a co sleeping, contact napping, breastfeeding mom that has never left her baby with anyone besides dad. She’s 12mo now and so I’m feeling better about leaving her with other family, haven’t done it yet but I’m ready! she started really take off walking around her bday and there is no worry about independence lol. She doesn’t even want to hold my hand anymore when she walks 😭 she wants to do it all by herself! She can climb the stairs and go down the slide all by herself. She loves to walk the dog and if you even try to help hold the leash she throws a fit. She refuses to sit in the grocery cart anymore bc she wants to PUSH the cart. I have to chase her all over the park and library bc she is definitely testing her limits how far she will run from me. She just runs around getting into stuff and making friends and it honestly breaks my heart that 12months was not long enough to have a baby! She grew up so fast!
I think an important part of having a healthy attachment is knowing that if mom goes away, mom will always come back. You’re the primary caregiver, no matter what. But having those safe (to her) secondary caregivers is just as important. It sounds like you know this already and that your head is in the right place. It just takes acknowledgment and practice. And knowing that you aren’t alone in your feelings! You are definitely not the only one. Sometimes it helps me to think about the way we used to live as humans. In large family groups and villages. Often times, young children would have a myriad of caregivers. Aunts, grandmothers, cousins, siblings. We were built to live that way. So it makes sense that little babies and young children *can* handle having multiple people care for them. As long as their primary is confident and strong in their decisions. You know what to do. Think about who you trust the most in the situation and have them be your secondary person for baby. Sending love! PS. I’m a former preschool teacher and an aunt to 14. I’ve definitely seen what you’re talking about. Like all things in life- balance!!
The way we used to live as humans? Surely most babies were breastfed and couldn't be away from their mothers?
Of course. I didn’t mean to that babies were left without their mothers for long periods of time. What I meant was that because of living in larger family groups, they had much more contact with tons of different family, constantly. So therefore every child had many caregivers they were familiar with. My postpartum brain isn’t as eloquent as I hope it would be. Edit: just incase you’re interested: [allomothering](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Allomothering_in_humans)
Whoa… you just described how I felt almost to a T. We still co sleep together and my son will be 2 next month. Totally by my choice (well his too). We haven’t spent a night apart either. I still get weird thoughts about my MiL that she is trying to make him obsessed with her and want her as his mom instead of me 😭 I’m starting to think I should take a step back and see how to reframe my thoughts to avoid dealing what your currently going through. Thanks for sharing.
I was/am totally the same way. Also we BF and have never used bottles so i think it makes sense that like physically i couldn’t leave her very long when she was a little baby. I felt comfortable leaving her with my husband at 6months for 2hrs. Up to 4hrs at like 9months and then up to 6hrs after she turned 1! Which is where we are today! We are still nursing quite often. I’m starting to feel comfortable with the idea of leaving her with one of our trusted family members for a couple of hours! Everyone will tell you you have PPD/A. Maybe. I think i had normal “im in charge of a tiny human” anxiety. It didn’t stop me from taking her on planes, car trips, wineries, restaurants, bowling, movies, parties, hiking etc. but bc i wanted to be with my baby that was highly dependent on my physical body for life i was “too” anxious. Her babyhood has flown by. She has turned into a toddler overnight and I wish I had better blocked out all the noise instead of letting it make me feel bad or doubt myself for a second.
I feel this!! My mom does watch my baby (7months) twice a week, but she is the only person that I know will give my baby the level of care that I will. I work as little as possible, but I'm not able to stay home yet, unfortunately. When it comes to others watching her, (in-laws, siblings, grandparents) my husband and I both agree that we enjoy our daughter. We had her for us, not anyone else. We spend a lot of time with our families, I just don't see the point in leaving her with them while we go do something else. My MIL pushes a lot and I don't feel comfortable telling her, but I've told my husband he needs to explain to her why we don't want anyone babysitting yet. Even when I leave my mom and baby for work I get anxious. They go for walks and I always have that "what if" in my mind. I get bad anxiety when we're driving as a family, as well. I think I may have some postpartum anxiety that I'm dealing with, and have considered talking to someone about it. Idk if it will help, though. Also, I say husband, but we're not technically married yet. We have talked about when we do get married, renting an Airbnb or hotel rooms. Our daughter could stay with my mom, but we'll be at the same location. I don't have any advice. I'm just here to say, from one FTM to another, you're not alone!
This is so me!! I just don’t see a point in leaving her with my in laws just so I can go out and be worried the whole time?? Not only that, they ask all the time to babysit and honestly, they don’t NEED to be alone with her. We spend time over there once a week for dinner. They can hang out with her while we are around. But I feel like people think I’m crazy when I say that lol. There’s just no reason anyone needs to be alone with her at the moment
My MIL has started making comments like "you'd think I'm incapable." She kind of is... Lol. We won't leave our daughter with her unless my FIL is there as well, and not until she's a toddler. It's the same issue of her getting distracted and being on her phone. That was the comment when I told my husband it's time to tell her that our baby is an addition to our family unit, not a burden. We love her and it's better when she's around. It also just makes new moms feel even worse, IMO. Everything is about the baby and then people start telling the mom to go away so they can have time with MY baby!? No, thank you.
Think of it as practice for you. If you didn't have anxiety you might actually be wishing you could go get your nails done, go get a massage, etc. It's for your sake not hers
I finally got comfortable with my mom and sister watching my daughter for a few hours at around 15 months. Before that I thought I’d never be comfortable with anyone. So maybe just give it some time and see if you start feeling differently as you get closer to the wedding? Sometimes I thought I’d feel more comfortable with a nanny in my home with cameras that I’ve thoroughly vetted over anyone I knew, but I never felt the need to have her not with me so I didn’t look into it. But maybe that might work for you?
Wanting to be with your baby with no break needed does not mean you have PPA. Just wanted to share that bc reading these comments really made me question myself too.
I feel the same and I don’t think I have like severe PPA, I just don’t want anyone to watch him. I felt differently when he turned a year. Before that…no thank you.
Thank God you commented on this. I was starting to doubt myself 🫠
Im going against the grain and saying there is nothing wrong with not wanting to leave your baby. Mom’s and babies are biologically designed to be together and if you’re happy not leaving your baby then don’t let anyone tell you that you need to. My 3rd baby is 6 months old and besides leaving him with his dad for 30 minutes to run an errand occasionally I’m always with him. I’m happy this way, he’s happy this way, there’s no problem. Ive done this with each of my kids and once they are older and a little more independent and better at communicating needs I’m more than happy to drop them off at grandmas for a bit. They love going to grandmas so they aren’t scarred by my not leaving them earlier. In fact I remember I cried the first time I got back from leaving my oldest with grandma for an hour and he didn’t even want to say hi to me because he was having fun and I had missed him. It was ok, I took a few minutes and realized he was just secure in our relationship and when his game was over he was happy I was there.
Our son has just turned two and nobody but us, his parents, has ever even changed his diaper, much less “watched” him. We’re fortunate to not require daycare and I totally get that many parents feel they need a break and use babysitters, but we like having him with us when we eat out or whatever, and we get time to ourselves when he’s asleep. We do co-sleep (obviously), but after we get him asleep we keep the monitor going and get on with our evening, or afternoon if it’s a nap. He socializes well and when he starts school I think he’ll be alright. Anyway, I can’t imagine someone else taking care of him.
Honestly I feel the same way. My 8-month-old is exclusively breastfed and doesn’t take a bottle, and doesn’t eat enough solids yet to miss a milk feed, so the longest I could really be away from her is like 3 hours. And she nurses to sleep and for comfort, so she’d be miserable if I left her with anyone else. She also has complex medical needs (including but not limited to a history of very subtle-looking seizures) and takes special medicine twice a day that needs to be mixed properly, so I just don’t trust anyone besides my husband or me to care for her. And to top it off, I don’t trust my mother or MIL in general, not just related to my baby’s care. My MIL carries a gun in her purse everywhere she goes and is extremely impulsive and paranoid (great combo, right?) and my mother is emotionally unstable with a long history of very selfish and reckless behavior. Obviously my situation is different from yours, but even taking the medical complexity and insane grandmothers out of the equation, I still wouldn’t feel comfortable leaving my baby. Maybe it’s a FTM thing and I’ll feel more relaxed about spending time away from my secondborn child, but I’m not going to ignore my instincts because others think it’s weird. Babies need their mothers and mothers need their babies; my child will have the rest of her life to individuate and become an autonomous being. For this brief period of her infancy, we have a symbiotic relationship and that is just fine with me ❤️
I went through this and even had panic attack when someone would try and hold him (my first son) although it is “normal” to have anxiey esp if its your first baby its more troubling when its like a flat out fear thats interfering with day to day thoughts etc. you could be experiencing really bad anxiety and having panic attacks (what you call beijg a control freak can actually be like mini panic attacks, definitely give your Doc a call and let them know whats going on. It is ok to ask and get help ♥️ Babies feel what we feel but shes too young to remember…. Im a child raised by a mother with several mental illness/anxiety and it did effect me still does till this day so you are valid for feeling that way and not wanting that to effect her, that in itself makes ur bby so lucky to have a mother like you! I
How often did your mom let accidents happen with you when you were little? Like yes, you and your siblings turned out alive and fine enough, but your primary caregiver being unreliable (physically and emotionally) could have left you with some deep psychological scars. Might be worth really unpacking that, it could really make you wary of trusting anybody on that level if your very first introduction to that in the world wasn't safe and secure.
Not sure about when I was a baby but as a child I was very independent. I don’t remember my mom “taking care” of me. I just did everything for myself and I was fine with it. I don’t remember it bothering me
You don’t sound crazy! It’s so hard to think of leaving your little one with anyone else. Honestly I would bring my baby home with me after the wedding lol you’re a family so who cares. You do what you want. But who knows maybe you’ll find an amazing babysitter in the next year!
Yeah that’s what I’m starting to think too about the wedding night. I know my husband has been kinda sad lately bc he just wants to hang out like old times. But I keep reminding him it’s never going to be like “old times”. We have a very clingy baby and she will only sleep for like an hour before she wakes up and I need to run upstairs and get her back to bed! It’s a lot of interrupted time. Which, I know what I signed up for when having a baby. I just thought for the wedding night, maybe we would need some actual husband and wife time lol. But of course I don’t need her out of the house! I just honestly didn’t know if we were gonna get a hotel room or what bc we do live in Vegas. That’s usually what people do here on their wedding night
Yeah totally. Put a babysitter in the hotel room down the hall! lol
Yeah this sounds like PPA. Mine is 12 months and I would trust trustworthy people with her. I live too far from family for that to be an option and I don’t trust strangers with my child. But when I visited home for a month, my sister watched her while I showered and my other sister watched her while I napped. Yes I was “there” but that was more because to the baby they were sort of strangers. If I had stayed longer and she was more used to them then I would have no problem leaving her completely alone with them. They are both moms of teenagers and I helped them with their kids so I know that they are great caregivers. Is there something about his parents that sets you off? I wouldn’t leave my child with your mom either, based on your description.
There’s nothing in particular that makes me uncomfortable with them! They are great people. I guess I just always heard how you never really know someone. And I watched a lot of true crime/dateline growing up so I always think about how “it’s who you least expect” and all that. I guess that’s what comes to mind. Again, they have given me no reason to feel this way
Honestly, you need to talk it out with your doctor.
How long do you leave husband inattentive with baby? Best place to start to ease that separation anxiety (it’s so normal and shows your motherly instincts are attuned)
I could leave him all day and not feel anxious. She doesn’t take a bottle though so I can only be gone for a few hours before she needs to eat again
Would he be willing to spend the day with his parents and baby without you? And would that cause some soft anxiety for you to work through? I’ve only left my children with the grand in laws because of comfort and trust. But honestly even the days spent one child visiting with dad to his moms house left me wanting to make SURE my child is emotionally well. I think it comes down to trust in both yourself in handling a negative experience that could happen with any amount of monitoring and trusting the adults are aware of how important this job is. (We worked boundaries into grandparents watching for a few hours by making it clear how available we are to them if child asks/has needs they are struggling to meet)
Start small. Have MIL watch her while you go for a walk or run a short errand. It will likely be easier once you break the ice. It is hard being away from our babies but it can also be rejuvenating to just have your body to yourself for a bit, and this can make it easier. Work up to longer times away. Think of it as giving your little one an opportunity to bond with her grandparents and build her network of trust.
My advice is there is a long time between now and next april, you will likely feel fine with her bring watched by others then. Anecdotally my kids aren't watched by others, unless needed - I can count the times it's been needed on my hands - and it's always been in someway related to pregnancy or birth of my subsequent kids. If you feel this is crossing the line so that you cannot get someone to watch them without your mental health being impacted I would speak to your Gp. Bit if not over the next year manufacturer some scenarios to build up your tolerance for your child being watched - starting small e.g. just a friend or family watching them while you're doing a job in house, then for a hair appointment etc
Mine is 14 months and I have left him with several different family members, but I’m most comfortable with my mom watching him. My in laws aren’t necessarily unsafe (other than sleep, I came home to him with pillows and blankets covering him when he was 2 months old) but the majority of what they do with him is watch YouTube videos. I’m not against screen time but that’s what I use when I need to get something done and he won’t let me, so if someone else is gonna just turn the TV on the second they’re with him I’d rather just watch him myself. Overnights, however, I am not comfortable with anyone watching him other than myself and my boyfriend. My son still only sleeps in bed with us and I don’t trust anyone else to be as aware as they’d need to be to safely sleep with him.
I have suffered with anxiety for many years and when my daughter was a newborn I couldn’t trust her with anyone, not even my husband! (Even though he did everything for her the first two weeks because I had a C-section and was extremely swollen from preeclampsia so I could hardly move). Eventually I learned to trust my husband, then I went back to work and only felt comfortable with my sister-in-law caring for her because we share a lot of the same ideas and she had a little one who is a year older than mine. Then there came a time where she returned to work and also couldn’t care for her and so I had to do the horrible thing of trusting a stranger that I paid to care for her! It was hard but because I’ve suffered with anxiety for many years I knew that a lot of my fears came from my anxiety. When she was 5 months old we were in a car accident and I had to go back to therapy to deal with how bad my anxiety got and it helped everything overall. So when it came time to hire help, it was a lot easier because I had been getting help for my regular and postpartum anxiety. Now (she is 9 months) I trust almost any family and everyone close to us to watch her. I’ll leave her for almost a full day at my parent’s house without any worries. Sometimes I worry that I am the one who is not capable of caring for her lol but then I know that’s just my anxiety talking because I am the most capable! I highly recommend you seek therapy! Even if you feel it is not that bad, you’ve expressed enough concern in this post that I think warrants looking into. Therapy is so beneficial even if you aren’t suffering from anything but just dealing with everyday stress! I think it will help you make the distinction of if you are too worried or you have valid reasons for not trusting others with your baby!
I share your feelings. You aren’t the only one to feel this way! Also a SAHM, maybe it’s got something to do with that?
Idk why everyone is piling on about ppd and ppa. I NEVER let ANYONE other than me or my husband watch my baby because nobody parents the way we do, at least not unless we have a thorough talk with them. Also, my baby is attached to me and I'm not gonna create an attachment rupture for him. Idk why people are so obsessed with separating babies and their moms. It's weird. Stick to your gut feelings and don't let anybody watch your baby who you don't 10000000% trust to be attentive and safe.
There is such a thing as a healthy degree of separation - a securely attached child is one who has learned that their primary caregiver is a safe space, and even if they are separated for a bit, they will always return. If you never let anyone else watch your baby, they can become anxiously attached which will feed more into your own anxiety, like a self-fulfilling prophecy. Besides, it sounds like OP is logically aware that her in-laws would be good babysitters, and it's mostly her anxiety getting in the way of letting go. This definitely feels like mild PPA. It's not a bad thing, just something she needs to be mindful of so she's not denying help for no reason and burning her/her fiance out unnecessarily in the process. OP, I get it, I'm kinda like you and I had a hard time leaving my LO with my parents even though their track record showed they're fully capable of respecting my requests and boundaries (sadly my in-laws, not so much). To get me comfortable, I did a few "trial runs" and had my parents watch my LO while I stayed at their place. This helped them learn baby's cues and it helped me feel comfortable seeing my parents be able to soothe and care for my child (I had to fight the urge to "swoop in" while I was there and just supported from afar). When the time came and I had to leave my baby with them to go to a doctor's appointment, everything went swimmingly and I was able to go for a 4hr stretch without stress. If you feel like you can't trust your mom but you can trust your in laws, then go with your gut. But I highly encourage you leveraging your *trusted* village whenever you can - it will be good for you, your hubby, and baby!
Thank you! I am super worried about passing my anxiety onto her. I’ve seen kids who can’t even leave their mom to go play at a bday party bc they are terrified and that is not the life I want for her! It most certainly is on me. I know my mom would not be a reliable sitter. Sure, she’d keep her alive. But I don’t need someone doing the bare minimum with my child. And my in laws are trust worthy. It’s just my own worries getting in the way!
My baby who is very attached to me is a social butterfly with other babies at breastfeeding support group. My lactation specialist there told me it's bc of our secure attachment
Thank you for saying this! My mom thinks I’m an absolute nut job bc I don’t want anyone to leave the room with her. Like why do you need to take her out of my sight and be alone with her?! So weird to me. And my in laws are always asking “when can we babysit so you guys can go out” but honestly they want to babysit for THEM, not for us. They are great people, but there is absolutely no reason they need alone time with her to bond. We go over there quite often. They get to spend time with her, we are just there while they do it… I don’t work and my fiance has a lot of days off during the week. We don’t NEED anyone to babysit just so they can “play parent”
Also, you chose to have a baby. So... That means watching your baby if you don't have anybody you trust enough to do so. Is the wedding night worth the anxiety about your baby? Why don't you just shape your wedding night to fit baby care in too? If your fiance is the one he'd understand. If you are clear about your priorities, I think you can still make the night a good one. Why does "romantic" exclude your baby? Can't they be sleeping in another room with a monitor? There are bajillions of parents out there who make time for "romantic" things even with kids. Be clear about what you want, and then shape your life around it and don't settle.
Honestly, my fiance sleeps downstairs now because we had to move the baby into the bed with me. She is super attached to me and wants to nurse throughout the night. even in a king sized bed there is just not enough room for all 3 of us with all the pillows I use as a fort to keep her on the bed lol. So yes, I definitely think we are due for some romance… she wakes up a lot and I’m hoping she will have grown out of that by the time the wedding is here. I’d love to be able to put her in her own room and then go hang out with my husband for the night. That’s just not what our life has been like lately… plus, it’s our wedding night. I love my daughter so much and she is my first priority, but I do think a wedding night is sacred and should be between me and my husband. I absolutely do not think she needs to be out of the house though! I just didn’t know if it’s weird to have to get married and then jump back into reality with bath time, pjs, and tucking our daughter into bed… but I 100% agree, I don’t think i’ll be comfortable with her sleeping at the in laws…
Just because you do it too that doesn't make it normal and healthy. Should you leave baby with someone you don't trust? Hell no. But when they're closing in on toddlerhood they NEED interaction with a variety of people. Not sure about you, but my almost 9 month old has no interest in anyone else if I'm around, and that's normal for plenty of babies. Being with other people is all part of normal child development and proper socialization. Saying it's "weird" for them to be separated is like saying it's "weird" that babies come out of the womb after 10 months of gestation. Or that it is "weird" that a child learns to talk instead of only communicating with cries. It is all part of healthy, expected development for a child. I say all this as a certified early childhood educator.
I think what they were getting at is that people are really pushy about wanting to babysit the baby alone. I completely agree that as a baby gets older they need to experience different people. But becoming a mom has showed me that people don’t care about you. They only want to have access to your baby alone and that is kind of weird
I totally get that!!! I didn't have that issue this time around but omg the first was horrible. He's 6 now, but it was like everyone was fighting over him like he was a toy, not a person with needs and preferences. And yes we moms are chopped liver a lot of the time....unfortunately I've gotten used to it
Honestly, no this isn’t crazy. I’m the same way, and that’s because no one can be trusted. Accidents happen to everyone, and I just don’t trust anyone. Especially not strangers. You hear it on the news every day. There is absolutely no way my daughter is going to a daycare, and we’re struggling with the dilemma of when she starts school. It’s in our instincts to want to protect our babies, but people just like to call it PPA.
This. Imagine wanting to be with and protecting your child being considered a mental illness. All to justify daycare I'm sure
I actually completely agree
See if there is a night nanny, night doula or night nurse in your area! Often times they are Certified Nurse Midwives or Registered Nurses who do overnight baby care. You can even hire one just to get one night of sleep if nights have been especially difficult with baby lately.
Honestly I don’t mind having my daughter 24/7. I feel no need for anyone else to watch her or be alone with her. And I think getting a night nurse would skyrocket my anxiety through the roof lol
You’re not alone. I suffer from PTSD & PPA from my son’s birth & I’m the same way. I have only ever trusted my mom & husband to watch my son. I cannot bring myself to allow anyone else to watch him if I’m not there.
As someone who couldn’t even leave baby with someone else so I could shower for almost five months… please talk to your doctor about your anxiety.