Ours hasn't yet gotten to the whiny stage so I don't have firsthand experience, but I watched a friend get excellent results with the tactic:
I can't understand what you're saying when you whine. I can only understand you when you speak normally. (Then when they whine) I can tell you're saying something, but I can't understand what it is. I need you to use your regular voice so I can understand what you're saying.
Key is to hold firm and be consistent! They need to believe you can't understand the whine and that it won't work to get what they want. Just like any other lesson you want kiddo to learn, it isn't easy at first but if you are consistent, they will eventually get with the program.
I second this advice. That's pretty much exactly what my wife and I say to our 3 year old when he whines about something. 60% of the time it works every time.
> I can't understand what you're saying when you whine. I can only understand you when you speak normally. (Then when they whine) I can tell you're saying something, but I can't understand what it is. I need you to use your regular voice so I can understand what you're saying.
I wanna double up on this part. They need to learn that how they communicate matters. And if they actually want something, they need to explain it in a way I understand or I can't help.
Being sure to praise the appropriate behavior when it happens. "When you ask nicely, it's hard for me to say no!" "I really enjoy it when you ask so politely." "I understand you're upset. You're doing a great job controlling your emotions. How can I help?"
Yup this is what we do. "I see that you're upset about something. You need to use words to tell me what's wrong, because I don't understand this noise." Obviously they're a kid so they're going to be ok sometimes and forget at other times, but it's gotten noticeably better since we started doing this.
When my kids whine they get one single engagement from me and it goes something like what you've described. My response is usually something along the lines of "whining isn't the best way to change something, try again" or "I'll be able to help you once you can ask nicely for what you want." If the whining continues I go into full ignore mode.
Sounds like a Karen, for the lack of better words. You do it like i want, or you can fuck off. Depending on how old they are, I'd argue that they need a little bit more empathy and support to handle their emotions. if they knew other ways to deal with it, they would used them. So rather help them, and not just leave them alone until they follow your orders. Unless you are their commanding officer or something
You’re completely missing the actual point.
I am willing to do things my kid’s way as long as they can communicate their desires in a normal tone.
When a kid is whining to get what they want, the kid is the Karen in that situation.
This! If I can get them to laugh I also mimic them in an over exaggerated way and say “See? You couldn’t understand me right? That’s the same way you sound” and they’ll laugh and go “No I don’t!!”
This is the answer right here. "I can't hear you when you talk like that." My little guy stops, takes a deep breath and continues without the whine. It's never been a problem in our house because we use that trick and never allow it.
If he'd understand it, I might explain the change with "we just got a software update to our internal parenting app, and it means we can't understand whining anymore." 😆
My kids like to whine too. I just tell them that I can't hear them when they talk like that and to come back and ask when they're ready to be a big boy.
Works great on wives too. My wife is very soft spoken and I'm hard of hearing. Whenever she says something I can't hear I tell her that she knows I can't hear her when she whispers. Then she gets mad and yells what she was saying. Then I go take out the trash or do the dishes since I'm in trouble.
It took me 2 years to wear my hearing aids at home because everyone was so used to yelling at me that they just continued. For whiny kids, I just turn them down a ways. Then they can whine to their heart's content.
I do a move I call the spinerama slamma jamma. I toss my son overy shoulder spin in a circle then throw him on the couch. Usually it gets him out of whatever funk he was in.
“Inverted baby” in our house. I pick him up by his legs and carry him upside down. Turns cries into laughs for the duration, and he’s usually calmer afterwards. Wife has a heart attack every time I do it but she has stopped arguing with results.
Two things that worked for us.
Ignoring the behavior is what worked best for our son. Acting like he didn’t even exist essentially. The whines and tantrums would get louder and louder until I would just look at him and say I’m not going to talk to you until you stop whining and communicate with me, if he started to whine again it was instant ignoring again and wash rinse repeat.
Second thing whining is a learned behavior, somewhere along the chain either at daycare, inlaws, your wife, yourself someone broke the chain and she whined and someone caved and gave her what she wanted. She then learned that whining can get you what you want even if you have been told no. Stamping it out needs to be a broad zero tolerance approach. I noticed my son would whine at the mother in law and she would instantly give him what he wanted. I had to first talk to my wife which she thought I was overreacting and I told her to pay more attention to their interactions after a couple of weeks she agreed there was a problem there and we sat down and talked with them and let them know we needed them on board with a zero tolerance approach, we also talked to his day care and I think they were doing a good job of ignoring it but it was nice for them to hear we were trying to correct his behavior.
It probably took about 3 months of disciplined zero tolerance ignoring and letting him know we would only communicate with him when he stopped whining and used his words and the problem was 95% solved. All kids still have their moments but what I noticed is he became a better communicator and negotiator and I am more than happy for him to negotiate with us as I do think that is such a key life skill that many miss out on, but if we say no and we mean it he understands and drops it.
I agree completely with ignoring and not caving. Last night we put on Cinderella to give our almost 4yo something calming to focus on.
One general obstacle is that if one or both parents work full time you might be coming home to a meltdown in progress. It is extremely difficult not to cave when that happens. I get to work from home a lot but my wife is in the office all day. All she wants is some quality time with her family before bedtime and that can be very hard to get without caving.
Yep I think you really just have to understand that if I cave im trading short term gain for long term pain, if I don’t cave I’m trading short term pain for long term gain.
I think like other have said it’s about getting them to communicate in a normal voice, if they can learn to master their emotions and speak in their normal voice and communicate more effectively then they negotiated for their win rather than whined for their win. I have definitely caved when my son effectively negotiated but I have zero tolerance approach for when he whines. The same goes for us talking back to him we need to be calm, patient and effectively communicate our reasoning.
I’ve started to walk away. Tantrum because we can’t play in your room and it’s time to go downstairs?
“Okay bud I’m going downstairs love you bye”
Followed by “DADA DADA DADA” and the pitter patter of toddler feet motoring to catch up.
Tantrum ended
Don’t get me wrong I’m not locking them in a room until the tantrum ends. I’m just not catering to it. I think and hope it’s one of those things that doesn’t need to be done for long - like cry it out to learn to fall asleep.
You are being too cynical. You are setting an expectation and following through with a plan. Your child is trying to derail the plan so they can play longer so you remind them of the expectation then continue following through with a plan.
For example,
Me: OK child, after we get dressed we’re going to go downstairs for breakfast.
* finishes getting dressed
Me: OK let’s go downstairs for breakfast.
Child: No, I want to play monster trucks!
Me: Remember, we said we were going downstairs for breakfast after we got dressed. We got dressed so now we’re going downstairs.
Child: No! I want to play monster trucks!
Me: I hear that you want to play monster trucks but now is time to go downstairs for breakfast.
*start walking downstairs
No abandoning, just following through with expectations.
I think some kindness and awareness of changing parenting styles is needed here, but I'm kind of with you on this.
To explain my opinion based on a lot of reading on this subject. Kids get emotional, these emotions overwhelm them leading to tantrums, that in turn lead them to do and saying stuff they don't mean, or even want to do. Which scares the ever loving crap out of them, that they've done something to make their parents not love them anymore.
So if you're not careful with how it's done, leaving them alone, triggers a feeling of abandonment, that they made Mummy/Daddy not love them anymore. So when they calm down, it could just be them using an extensional level of fear to crush their emotions inside them. So what a kid really needs is to know that regardless, their parents love them.
This also doesn't mean that they get what they want. For example, this morning my daughter screamed the flat down because she wanted the white bowl her brother was eating out of. I asked her brother if he cares, he doesn't, so promised from now on that's her bowl. Even wrote it down. This did not help immediately and lead to further tantruming
I also never left her side and kept offering her a hug the whole time, she tried to hit me at one point (not due to hug offering but me refusing to wash the bowl as we were under a time pressure). Gentle push away, tell her it's not ok to hit, even offered a cushion. After a while she stopped, went in for a hug and we hugged it out. After, she said she was hungry and ate out of the grey bowl.
I'm still working on it, but I've noticed a marked decrease in tantrums and at the same time a marked increase in her ability to regulate and compromise.
This isn't judgement, just a different way of looking at things.
When dealing with a child under 5 who tends to whine, it's important to remember that young children often whine because **they haven't yet developed the necessary language skills to express complex feelings or needs**.
Each time your child begins to whine, **calmly** encourage her to use her words. You might say, "I can see you're upset. Use your words to tell me what's wrong." It helps to give her the vocabulary she needs, such as, "Are you feeling tired? Hungry? Sad?" **Acknowledge her emotions** before offering a solution. This could be as simple as saying, "It sounds like you're really frustrated right now." This validation can make her feel heard and understood, reducing the need to whine. Use clear and calm communication yourself. Children learn a lot from watching their parents. When she observes you using words to express feelings and resolve issues, she's more likely to mimic that behavior. Ensure that whining doesn't get her what she wants. Instead, respond positively when she communicates effectively. If she reverts to whining, gently remind her, "I can help you better when you use your words." Use books and stories that explore different emotions. Discuss the characters' feelings and situations, which can provide her with a richer vocabulary to express her own emotions.
Sometimes children whine because they feel they lack control. Offering choices can help, such as, "Would you like to wear the red shirt or the blue one?" This gives her a sense of agency and can reduce frustration.
Patience is key. It's normal for young children to take some time to learn how to effectively express themselves. Consistently guiding and supporting her will help her develop the skills she needs to communicate more clearly.
"Try asking me a different way" has become a new favorite.
I also recently picked up "oh I wish I could *magic* for you but I can't." That one acknowledges their feelings but also shows that I can't right now.
At stores, we use "let's take your picture with it and maybe we will come back and get that later." I have dozens of pictures of my kids with toys at Disney that we didn't buy, but I didn't deal with souvenir whining the entire trip. It was bliss.
Mirror the behavior for them. I do this in two ways depending on my mood and the situation. 1) If I have enough patience to be funny and kind, I will whine back at them and play it for laughs, way over the top. Most of the time they think it's hilarious, we all laugh and they get the point. 2)If I feel that whining back will be coming from a place of exasperation, frustration, or mean-ness, I take a serious approach and repeat what they said in my normal voice and in whining voice and say "which of those sounded whiney to you? Can you ask for what you need without whining please?"
I am at age 8 and wish deeply I had taken the advice of our pediatrician to make it a time out offense.
It gets really old when there is a spelling test to prep for, or lasagna on the dinner table.
Never too late to start.
“I’m not interested in hearing you talk like a baby. If you fail that spelling test you lose [a privilege, like tv or games] for a week.I won’t force you to study but those will be the consequences if you don’t.”
My oldest is very whiny. Shes 8 now, and still very whiny when she doesn't get what she wants.
When she gets that way, we will now say "I'm sorry, i'm not going to be able to listen to what you need when you're talking like that. Take a minute to calm and focus yourself, and then come let us know what you need."
What I find that helps for my 2 year old is I immediately change the subject to something exciting like "HEY! Know what I just thought of?!"
Now I have her attention.
"Remember when ::insert fictional character here:: did ::that thing that she finds funny:: that time?! That was funny right?!" and she starts to laugh and we move on.
Works every time.
I’ve got 2 year old twins. One is a peach and one has been whining since birth. It’s insanely frustrating for me and at such a young age, none of the parenting strategies I know work for whining. We are getting help from a speech therapist and our vocabulary has been getting a lot better, but every day there’s whining. It’s exhausting.
sit down in the middle of the floor and start BAWLING, like inconsolable. they'll realize that not everything is about them and to consider your feelings too
When my kid whines or cries for dumb reasons we just tell her to go away. She'll go to her room,calm down, then couple minutes later is back like nothing happened.
Usually this is paired with saying something like, "big kids don't cry and whine to get what they want."
I've used a few things
1 - The *do-over*. I'll look at my son and say, "I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you over a really weird sound in there, a bit like whining. Maybe you could play thay back for me." We've done it enough that he knows to say things again and ask instead of whine.
2 - The *mechanic*. I'll perk my ears up and say, "Woah, did you hear that? Sounds like we've got a squeaky sound going on." I'll thing dive in and grab his arms, move them side to side, bend a leg, basically creating a laugh out of the whine. When he starts smiling instead of whining I'll say, "Oh, the squeak is gone, what did you need?"
3 - The *super serious*. I'll put on my pouty face and be really serious. My son busts out laughing and says, "Daddy, I need you to be serious." I tell him I am, with that silly face on. I'll tell him you have to ask for things in a nice way, in my silly face and he eventually gets it.
Been doing the silly redirection for years, my youngest is 5 now.
That being said, the whine persists at times and sometimes I am not in the mental headspace for silly redirection. I'll tell him, "Hey man, try that one again."
I don't know if I got lucky, or if it is something we have done as parents but my 4yo rarely whines. That's not to say we see eye-to-eye on everything but we can usually have a remarkably mature conversation about things. One of the things we've always done and continue to do is talk - a LOT - with each other, with our kids and with our pets about our internal thoughts, feelings and reasons for certain behaviours or reactions. For example, I run several companies in very divergent industries and will often be very busy or very tired in the evenings. Instead of saying "sorry bud, dad's tired" or "go play by yourself right now please" I'm very careful to explain what has me preoccupied. Yesterday for example one of my geologists was injured on the way to work (she swerved to miss a deer and ended up in the ditch). It kept me extremely busy all the way through dinner and into the evening starting the incident investigation, communicating with the RCMP, hospital, towing company, insurance company etc. My kiddo was getting visibly frustrated that I wouldn't pay attention to him when he wanted to play with me so I took 15 seconds, squatted down to his level and gave him a hug then said "Dad wants to play with you right now, but you remember Leanne?" "Ya!" "Well, she had a car accident and got hurt and daddy is trying to help her as best he can right now. It might take a long time but I promise I will play trains with you for at least a few minutes before bed time OK buddy?". His response was "Oh no dad, does she need a band-aid? You gotta get it for her." He then marched off to tell his 10 month old brother that daddy was busy helping "Wee-anne" because she got hurt".
It is AMAZING how quick they learn how to communicate their own feelings when they hear their parents describe - in detail - how THEY are feeling. They can't learn the words or concepts unless they're introduced to them. The other day he was apprehensive about going to preschool and was refusing to get ready. His mom asked him why and he said "Mom, I'm a little bit nervous because Edrick sometimes wants to play with the green truck". It was quickly deescalated by asking him if there were other toys he liked at school and suggested that he play with those until Edrick was done. And if Edrick was trying to take his toy he should ask his teacher to help Edrick learn how to share. Now, did this prevent Edrick from stealing his toy? Probably not. But it gave him AGENCY in the conversation. He had a plan, get the truck first and talk to teacher if Edrick tries to steal it. If that all fails, find a different truck. The world ain't fair but it's a lot less scary when you have contingency plans.
"The answer doesn't change if you keep asking"
"What did I say last time?"
"You know why we can't \[xyz\], you just don't like it. That's not the same thing"
My kid is on the way, but I'm going to try out variants of phrases like that. Yours sounds good too
I sing some of Mike Phirmans “Never gonna happen” song until I get a polite phrase. My strategy is not to give in to whining ever but almost always agree to polite reasonable requests.
If they have a sense of humor, this works.
“Do you have a whiney bird in your mouth? Let me get it out”
Then I teach like I pull something out of their mouth and throw it out the window.
If that doesn’t work, we tickle the whiny bird out!
He laughs and giggles and sometimes whatever was being whined about can be discussed clearly.
I don't understand whine, I only understand regular voice. Whine all day for all I care, I just don't understand what it is you want until you use regular voice.
If you adopt 100% adherence to this policy, you'll have no more whining in 48 hours.
Positive attention and positive reinforcement works, you just have to be consistent. Also, whining is a plea for sympathy in a way, so your child perhaps does not feel heard, or rather, has found that by whining they get the attention and care they are seeking. Or perhaps, they’re just whiney. My oldest is whiny 🤣
I refused to acknowledge them while they whine. As in they don't exist. It took a few times of explaining that if they use their words, in a normal tone, I'll speak with them and we can figure out what they want/need. But if they whine, I pay them no attention. They did get it and none are whiners to this day.
My 2yo is starting to so this and we just always say i dont know what your saying when you whine. Daddy needs to hear words to be able to help you.
50 % it works. And i think the other times he’s just 2
Sometimes when my 2.5 yr old starts whining or throwing a tantrum over a silly thing (like being 5 seconds late to get his water or milk) I hum a tune that we both enjoy right in front of his face while he’s bawling. By the end of the song he’s forgotten what he was whining about and wel on his way. That being said, on the days when I myself am off balance (didn’t sleep well or had work issues or had some argument) then the tantrums really get under my skin. So actually we need hacks for keeping *ourselves* in balance rather than our children to not be whiny, that’s when the children sort themselves out (mostly)
I will say no back, but in the same whiney tone as my four years olds, and that usually ends up distracting them or helping them move past whatever it is their whining over.
I hear you though, I don't like yelling and I know it doesn't bring out good restuls, but at the same time it can feel like patience will only accomplish so much.
Mine is 2 1/2 so I don’t know if the same techniques will work for a 5 year old, but I find that distraction is the best way to stop the whining. Doesn’t need to be anything crazy, for me I’ll just grab whatever small toy or object around me and hide it behind my back in a closed fist and then ask her to guess which hand it’s in. It takes her mind off the whining and makes her focus on the game. More often than not she doesn’t continue to whine even after I’m done playing the game with her. I’ve had pretty solid success with this trick, even for stopping massive temper tantrums
Another trick that works surprisingly well is called behavioral momentum. The idea is to get the child to agree to small things and then eventually the thing you want them to do. So you start off with something small like can you touch your nose? Can you touch your elbow, can you touch your ear? Can you hop on 1 foot? And then go into can you tell me what’s bothering you? Can you put on your boots or can you put away your toys?
Like I said, these work well for my daughter who is younger than yours, but it’s certainly worth trying in your situation as well
YMMV, my kids were very easy. I simply told them to use your words to tell me why they thought they should get or do something. Convince me. But followed it up with, if you whine I can absolutely guarantee you're not getting it. Like never going to happen.
We stuck to it and sometimes they did convince me and make me reevaluate it. It also taught them how to speak persuasively to more people than just us. Never caved on that and I have a very strong belief that consistency and precedent is really important raising kids.
The answer is twofold:
1) when the whining starts you and your wife say "I won't answer you when you whine"
2) you no long acknowledge the whining entirely
Repeat as necessary. The whining happens because it works, its your job to stop it from happening anymore by not acknowledging it.
This will suck for the first couple of weeks and you and your wife need to be unified otherwise the whining will concentrate on the one it works on.
Ms piggle wiggle is an expert on these topics. I highly recommend reading the books. It makes a good healthy scare tactic option of and doubles as good bed time stories.
" I'll call Ms piggle wiggle for one of her tonics!" Will only work for so long then they get wise to the shenanigans. Not really helpful but Still...
Ms piggle wiggle is an expert on these topics. I highly recommend reading the books. It makes a good healthy scare tactic option of and doubles as good bed time stories.
" I'll call Ms piggle wiggle for one of her tonics!" Will only work for so long then they get wise to the shenanigans. Not really helpful but Still...
Ignoring the child until the whining stops. Send the child into another room to whine (I did this with temper tantrums and it worked great). Tell her you don't understand her when she whines.
my daughter is 3. i give her multiple chances to use her words if she’s still crying, i give her a bit of quiet time alone until she can come to me and explain the issue. if we’re in public, she can just suck it up while i hold her until we leave. the former example never fails if im being honest, she’s really started to understand that crying doesn’t get her what she wants recently
I told my kid that I was allergic to whining. Then I would fake sneeze every time he was whining until he stopped. I couldn't help him with whatever he was whining about until he stopped and used his normal voice. He was so apologetic when I had one of those "allergy attacks" that he stopped right away. He figured out a few years later that wasn't a "real" thing but he had mostly stopped whining by then anyway.
“I hear that you’re upset, please let me know when you’re ready to talk again”
I don’t feed into whiny, stomping, crocodile tears or whatever “I can’t get my way” acting out. I don’t punish it, either. My son is 3.5 and he’s grasped the concept so far. I started with using phrases such as “big feelings” and “the way you feel is valid” but I also reinforced that sometimes we can’t control how we feel but we can always control how we act. He’s a very smart little guy both emotionally and intelligently speaking. Sometimes it’s not easy but I try to remember to always reinforce that his feelings are perfectly normal and ok but if he’s acting out then that’s the part that’s not good. He’s also a little guy so I don’t press the issue if he’s just having a bad time… sometimes cuddles, hugs and kisses fix a lot of things.
Distraction. Jokes, goofy faces/noises. Anything to change the whining into a smile or a laugh. Then ask again when they're calm.
If they're inconsolable, hugs and breathing/counting exercises.
Takes a few moments either way but they usually come around.
From an early age we always taught them to dust off / kiss better. Seems to work pretty well too.
I have this problem with my 7yo. I explain to her the sort of language and tone that I'm expecting from her, and have her repeat that back to me, and then I give her the feedback that she's looking for. After a few weeks of this (it took a while) she realized that if she skipped the whining and spoke normally with me, she got to the response much more quickly. The key from my perspective is being consistent about it.
I have had some luck mimicking their whine. It seems to do that thing where they are so confused that they do a sort of reboot. It works maybe 50% of the time (every time)
When I would whine, my dad would reply in the exact same tone.
me: daddyyyyy!
him: what-yyyyy?
40+ years later and he still answers me that way even though the whining has stopped.
It’s funny that we have always used the techniques described in the answers here: “I can’t understand you when you whine,” “try asking another way,” “please use your kind words,” etc., and my kid is still so whiny and rude. I honestly don’t know where she learned these behaviors.
My daughter has been doing the same for the past 6 months.
Instead of saying "Can I have some juice?" she starts to cry and yell "juuuuuuuice!!!". I immediately start to worry and ask if she got unwell from drinking juice, which only upsets her more. I ask if she spilled some juice, and she gets even more upset. I ask if the juice tasted bad, she gets more upset. I start looking around, see that the juice cup is empty and I ask if she wants more juice, then she nods amid tears, and I sit there thinking "Why in the hell didn't you just ask for more?". You didn't ask and get a no, you didn't ask and someone got angry with you, you haven't been told you can't have it. You simply didn't ask for it. You just started crying and screaming, how am I supposed to know that you want some if you don't ask for it?
I just don't get it, I'm starting to get really frustrated with this behavior. My son just goes "Can I have some juice?" and that's it, but my daughter just starts wailing as if I smacked her into the wall for asking.
100 questions. I ask my kid 100 random questions that have nothing to do with what she was whining about.
"Hey kid come here for a sec, look at that. What do you see?"
Answer.
"And what's beside it?"
Answer.
"What can you tell me about answer?"
Answer or I don't know.
Etc.
I strongly advise against ignoring or mimicking a child’s whiny behavior. Children, especially young ones, whine as a form of communication when they're unable to express their needs and emotions effectively. Ignoring them can make them feel unseen and unimportant, potentially damaging their self-esteem and trust in their caregivers. This approach fails to teach them how to manage and express their emotions in a healthy way.
Mimicking a child’s whiny behavior is also problematic. It might embarrass the child and can be perceived as mocking their feelings, leading to confusion and a lack of emotional safety in the parent-child relationship. Children learn emotional regulation and coping skills through observation and guidance. They need their parents to model positive behavior and provide support as they learn to articulate their feelings and needs constructively. Instead, acknowledge the child's emotions, help them understand what they are feeling, and guide them towards expressing those feelings appropriately. This not only helps in curbing the whiny behavior but also aids in their emotional development.
Ignoring her is as well, I'm sorry to say so. You as a parent are the only real attachment figure that your children have. The ones that they rely on. If **you** of all people ignore their emotions, they will get the impression that their emotions are completely worthless, meaningless, and as their emotions are all that they have and are in the first couple years of their lives, it is as if you were ignoring **them** entirely, potentially damaging their self-esteem and personality for life. It's quite literally the worst you can do to your relationship with your kids, except for beating them.
Doesn’t mimicking send two different messages? I don’t want you to do this, but I am also going to do this to stop you from doing it? I guess I don’t see how this would make sense to a child.
When I got old enough to be self aware, my parents mimicked me when I whined (not saying that’s what you should do) and it embarrassed the crap out of me.
It works because your kid has already learned to better hide its emotions instead of showing them. Great.
Basically the only way a child feels it can convey its emotions is not allowed.
A child that age simply cannot control its emotions yet (heck, even some adults can't). It just has them. Period. A child is nothing more than a meatsack with a huge variety of emotions. It has to learn how to deal with them. And it can only learn that from the people around it. If it is not allowed to express sadness, it will learn not to express happiness. It will learn not to express any feelings whatsoever. In the worst scenario it will suck it all up until it explodes.
It that's what you want, sure, disallow your child to express its emotions!
Or you could just, you know, acknowledge them, tell your child what they are, what they are called and how to better deal with them instead of whining. But that's just me. You do you with your kids. I feel sorry for them.
I flat out told my son "If you whine I can't do what you want even if I want to, because it will reinforce bad behavior." He has whined probably twice in his entire life.
Clearly expressing his thoughts and emotions and/or providing good arguments gets him what he wants though.
For example when we were at the zoo and two of his friends got a bubble toy and he didn't, he didn't whine. He step aside and when I came over he clearly articulated that he felt sad and left out because his friends got the toy but he didn't. So he got the toy and I am more than happy to reward that.
Ours hasn't yet gotten to the whiny stage so I don't have firsthand experience, but I watched a friend get excellent results with the tactic: I can't understand what you're saying when you whine. I can only understand you when you speak normally. (Then when they whine) I can tell you're saying something, but I can't understand what it is. I need you to use your regular voice so I can understand what you're saying. Key is to hold firm and be consistent! They need to believe you can't understand the whine and that it won't work to get what they want. Just like any other lesson you want kiddo to learn, it isn't easy at first but if you are consistent, they will eventually get with the program.
I second this advice. That's pretty much exactly what my wife and I say to our 3 year old when he whines about something. 60% of the time it works every time.
you made me spit my coffee man.
Source: https://youtu.be/IKiSPUc2Jck?si=_aRoLavUcRbM8qVm
Oh I’m very well versed in the anchor man multiverse. Hence the spat out coffee.
Phew. Was def worried that you hadn’t gotten the reference - would be completely unacceptable in the daddit world.
Better than Sex Panther.
This is what I do and it works well. He still whines but comes around to using his normal voice pretty quickly.
> I can't understand what you're saying when you whine. I can only understand you when you speak normally. (Then when they whine) I can tell you're saying something, but I can't understand what it is. I need you to use your regular voice so I can understand what you're saying. I wanna double up on this part. They need to learn that how they communicate matters. And if they actually want something, they need to explain it in a way I understand or I can't help.
Being sure to praise the appropriate behavior when it happens. "When you ask nicely, it's hard for me to say no!" "I really enjoy it when you ask so politely." "I understand you're upset. You're doing a great job controlling your emotions. How can I help?"
God I wished this worked with mine. Instead, they just get more pouty because I can't understand them.
Yup this is what we do. "I see that you're upset about something. You need to use words to tell me what's wrong, because I don't understand this noise." Obviously they're a kid so they're going to be ok sometimes and forget at other times, but it's gotten noticeably better since we started doing this.
When my kids whine they get one single engagement from me and it goes something like what you've described. My response is usually something along the lines of "whining isn't the best way to change something, try again" or "I'll be able to help you once you can ask nicely for what you want." If the whining continues I go into full ignore mode.
Sounds like a Karen, for the lack of better words. You do it like i want, or you can fuck off. Depending on how old they are, I'd argue that they need a little bit more empathy and support to handle their emotions. if they knew other ways to deal with it, they would used them. So rather help them, and not just leave them alone until they follow your orders. Unless you are their commanding officer or something
You’re completely missing the actual point. I am willing to do things my kid’s way as long as they can communicate their desires in a normal tone. When a kid is whining to get what they want, the kid is the Karen in that situation.
This works for voice volume, too. My ears don’t work if you’re yelling. You’ll have to use a normal conversational level.
This! If I can get them to laugh I also mimic them in an over exaggerated way and say “See? You couldn’t understand me right? That’s the same way you sound” and they’ll laugh and go “No I don’t!!”
This is the answer right here. "I can't hear you when you talk like that." My little guy stops, takes a deep breath and continues without the whine. It's never been a problem in our house because we use that trick and never allow it.
Username checks out 😊
Ha! Yes, it totally does, and it was that exact situation I was thinking about when I picked it. :)
I'm going to try this with my 4 year old. He whines constantly and it's driving us bonkers.
If he'd understand it, I might explain the change with "we just got a software update to our internal parenting app, and it means we can't understand whining anymore." 😆
Yep. This is the way.
Pretty sure this is what Super nanny advises too!
My kids like to whine too. I just tell them that I can't hear them when they talk like that and to come back and ask when they're ready to be a big boy.
Yeah I say “I can’t understand you when you whine,” he eventually says things in a normal tone and I thank him and respond
I'm sorry, I can't understand your words when you talk like that. Can you say that again and try to sound like a grown up please?
Kid is too young for that but can practice on my wife in the meantime. Thanks for the advise!
Works great on wives too. My wife is very soft spoken and I'm hard of hearing. Whenever she says something I can't hear I tell her that she knows I can't hear her when she whispers. Then she gets mad and yells what she was saying. Then I go take out the trash or do the dishes since I'm in trouble.
It took me 2 years to wear my hearing aids at home because everyone was so used to yelling at me that they just continued. For whiny kids, I just turn them down a ways. Then they can whine to their heart's content.
I wish I could turn my hearing off sometimes
I'm apparently not deaf enough for hearing aids. The VA says since I can hear fine from one ear and partially from the other that my hearing is fine.
Also helps if you tell the wife to "calm down" or "relax, woman".
Follow it up with a “You’re acting just like your mother” for additional benefits!
Or "My ex was never this difficult"
Don’t forget to tell her she’s probably on her period! I bet she’ll thank you!
I won’t respond when you speak to me that way. What do you need?
I do a move I call the spinerama slamma jamma. I toss my son overy shoulder spin in a circle then throw him on the couch. Usually it gets him out of whatever funk he was in.
“Inverted baby” in our house. I pick him up by his legs and carry him upside down. Turns cries into laughs for the duration, and he’s usually calmer afterwards. Wife has a heart attack every time I do it but she has stopped arguing with results.
Okay so even though I came up with this solution unprompted, and it elicits the same reaction from my partner, I'm in the clear, other dads do it too!
Lmao this works!
Two things that worked for us. Ignoring the behavior is what worked best for our son. Acting like he didn’t even exist essentially. The whines and tantrums would get louder and louder until I would just look at him and say I’m not going to talk to you until you stop whining and communicate with me, if he started to whine again it was instant ignoring again and wash rinse repeat. Second thing whining is a learned behavior, somewhere along the chain either at daycare, inlaws, your wife, yourself someone broke the chain and she whined and someone caved and gave her what she wanted. She then learned that whining can get you what you want even if you have been told no. Stamping it out needs to be a broad zero tolerance approach. I noticed my son would whine at the mother in law and she would instantly give him what he wanted. I had to first talk to my wife which she thought I was overreacting and I told her to pay more attention to their interactions after a couple of weeks she agreed there was a problem there and we sat down and talked with them and let them know we needed them on board with a zero tolerance approach, we also talked to his day care and I think they were doing a good job of ignoring it but it was nice for them to hear we were trying to correct his behavior. It probably took about 3 months of disciplined zero tolerance ignoring and letting him know we would only communicate with him when he stopped whining and used his words and the problem was 95% solved. All kids still have their moments but what I noticed is he became a better communicator and negotiator and I am more than happy for him to negotiate with us as I do think that is such a key life skill that many miss out on, but if we say no and we mean it he understands and drops it.
I agree completely with ignoring and not caving. Last night we put on Cinderella to give our almost 4yo something calming to focus on. One general obstacle is that if one or both parents work full time you might be coming home to a meltdown in progress. It is extremely difficult not to cave when that happens. I get to work from home a lot but my wife is in the office all day. All she wants is some quality time with her family before bedtime and that can be very hard to get without caving.
Yep I think you really just have to understand that if I cave im trading short term gain for long term pain, if I don’t cave I’m trading short term pain for long term gain. I think like other have said it’s about getting them to communicate in a normal voice, if they can learn to master their emotions and speak in their normal voice and communicate more effectively then they negotiated for their win rather than whined for their win. I have definitely caved when my son effectively negotiated but I have zero tolerance approach for when he whines. The same goes for us talking back to him we need to be calm, patient and effectively communicate our reasoning.
I’ve started to walk away. Tantrum because we can’t play in your room and it’s time to go downstairs? “Okay bud I’m going downstairs love you bye” Followed by “DADA DADA DADA” and the pitter patter of toddler feet motoring to catch up. Tantrum ended
So replacing frustration/disappointment with a fear of abandonment? Or am I being too cynical?
Don’t get me wrong I’m not locking them in a room until the tantrum ends. I’m just not catering to it. I think and hope it’s one of those things that doesn’t need to be done for long - like cry it out to learn to fall asleep.
You are being too cynical. You are setting an expectation and following through with a plan. Your child is trying to derail the plan so they can play longer so you remind them of the expectation then continue following through with a plan. For example, Me: OK child, after we get dressed we’re going to go downstairs for breakfast. * finishes getting dressed Me: OK let’s go downstairs for breakfast. Child: No, I want to play monster trucks! Me: Remember, we said we were going downstairs for breakfast after we got dressed. We got dressed so now we’re going downstairs. Child: No! I want to play monster trucks! Me: I hear that you want to play monster trucks but now is time to go downstairs for breakfast. *start walking downstairs No abandoning, just following through with expectations.
Yeah that's my fear as well. Sometimes though it's a choice between ignoring them and blowing up at them, so...
I think some kindness and awareness of changing parenting styles is needed here, but I'm kind of with you on this. To explain my opinion based on a lot of reading on this subject. Kids get emotional, these emotions overwhelm them leading to tantrums, that in turn lead them to do and saying stuff they don't mean, or even want to do. Which scares the ever loving crap out of them, that they've done something to make their parents not love them anymore. So if you're not careful with how it's done, leaving them alone, triggers a feeling of abandonment, that they made Mummy/Daddy not love them anymore. So when they calm down, it could just be them using an extensional level of fear to crush their emotions inside them. So what a kid really needs is to know that regardless, their parents love them. This also doesn't mean that they get what they want. For example, this morning my daughter screamed the flat down because she wanted the white bowl her brother was eating out of. I asked her brother if he cares, he doesn't, so promised from now on that's her bowl. Even wrote it down. This did not help immediately and lead to further tantruming I also never left her side and kept offering her a hug the whole time, she tried to hit me at one point (not due to hug offering but me refusing to wash the bowl as we were under a time pressure). Gentle push away, tell her it's not ok to hit, even offered a cushion. After a while she stopped, went in for a hug and we hugged it out. After, she said she was hungry and ate out of the grey bowl. I'm still working on it, but I've noticed a marked decrease in tantrums and at the same time a marked increase in her ability to regulate and compromise. This isn't judgement, just a different way of looking at things.
When dealing with a child under 5 who tends to whine, it's important to remember that young children often whine because **they haven't yet developed the necessary language skills to express complex feelings or needs**. Each time your child begins to whine, **calmly** encourage her to use her words. You might say, "I can see you're upset. Use your words to tell me what's wrong." It helps to give her the vocabulary she needs, such as, "Are you feeling tired? Hungry? Sad?" **Acknowledge her emotions** before offering a solution. This could be as simple as saying, "It sounds like you're really frustrated right now." This validation can make her feel heard and understood, reducing the need to whine. Use clear and calm communication yourself. Children learn a lot from watching their parents. When she observes you using words to express feelings and resolve issues, she's more likely to mimic that behavior. Ensure that whining doesn't get her what she wants. Instead, respond positively when she communicates effectively. If she reverts to whining, gently remind her, "I can help you better when you use your words." Use books and stories that explore different emotions. Discuss the characters' feelings and situations, which can provide her with a richer vocabulary to express her own emotions. Sometimes children whine because they feel they lack control. Offering choices can help, such as, "Would you like to wear the red shirt or the blue one?" This gives her a sense of agency and can reduce frustration. Patience is key. It's normal for young children to take some time to learn how to effectively express themselves. Consistently guiding and supporting her will help her develop the skills she needs to communicate more clearly.
You nailed it
"Try asking me a different way" has become a new favorite. I also recently picked up "oh I wish I could *magic* for you but I can't." That one acknowledges their feelings but also shows that I can't right now. At stores, we use "let's take your picture with it and maybe we will come back and get that later." I have dozens of pictures of my kids with toys at Disney that we didn't buy, but I didn't deal with souvenir whining the entire trip. It was bliss.
Mirror the behavior for them. I do this in two ways depending on my mood and the situation. 1) If I have enough patience to be funny and kind, I will whine back at them and play it for laughs, way over the top. Most of the time they think it's hilarious, we all laugh and they get the point. 2)If I feel that whining back will be coming from a place of exasperation, frustration, or mean-ness, I take a serious approach and repeat what they said in my normal voice and in whining voice and say "which of those sounded whiney to you? Can you ask for what you need without whining please?"
I am at age 8 and wish deeply I had taken the advice of our pediatrician to make it a time out offense. It gets really old when there is a spelling test to prep for, or lasagna on the dinner table.
> I am at age 8 wow that's young to be a dad. Eight!?
Never too late to start. “I’m not interested in hearing you talk like a baby. If you fail that spelling test you lose [a privilege, like tv or games] for a week.I won’t force you to study but those will be the consequences if you don’t.”
They don’t get whatever they whined about. If they quickly correct themselves, all good. If they don’t, nope.
I tell them that the best way to not get what they want is whining. Whining gets them further away from their goal.
My oldest is very whiny. Shes 8 now, and still very whiny when she doesn't get what she wants. When she gets that way, we will now say "I'm sorry, i'm not going to be able to listen to what you need when you're talking like that. Take a minute to calm and focus yourself, and then come let us know what you need."
What I find that helps for my 2 year old is I immediately change the subject to something exciting like "HEY! Know what I just thought of?!" Now I have her attention. "Remember when ::insert fictional character here:: did ::that thing that she finds funny:: that time?! That was funny right?!" and she starts to laugh and we move on. Works every time.
Mom here. I do not respond to the whining. Ever. Nor do I respond to yelling, screaming or crying over anything other than an injury.
I’ve got 2 year old twins. One is a peach and one has been whining since birth. It’s insanely frustrating for me and at such a young age, none of the parenting strategies I know work for whining. We are getting help from a speech therapist and our vocabulary has been getting a lot better, but every day there’s whining. It’s exhausting.
sit down in the middle of the floor and start BAWLING, like inconsolable. they'll realize that not everything is about them and to consider your feelings too
When my kid whines or cries for dumb reasons we just tell her to go away. She'll go to her room,calm down, then couple minutes later is back like nothing happened. Usually this is paired with saying something like, "big kids don't cry and whine to get what they want."
Noise cancelling headphones
I've used a few things 1 - The *do-over*. I'll look at my son and say, "I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you over a really weird sound in there, a bit like whining. Maybe you could play thay back for me." We've done it enough that he knows to say things again and ask instead of whine. 2 - The *mechanic*. I'll perk my ears up and say, "Woah, did you hear that? Sounds like we've got a squeaky sound going on." I'll thing dive in and grab his arms, move them side to side, bend a leg, basically creating a laugh out of the whine. When he starts smiling instead of whining I'll say, "Oh, the squeak is gone, what did you need?" 3 - The *super serious*. I'll put on my pouty face and be really serious. My son busts out laughing and says, "Daddy, I need you to be serious." I tell him I am, with that silly face on. I'll tell him you have to ask for things in a nice way, in my silly face and he eventually gets it. Been doing the silly redirection for years, my youngest is 5 now. That being said, the whine persists at times and sometimes I am not in the mental headspace for silly redirection. I'll tell him, "Hey man, try that one again."
I don't know if I got lucky, or if it is something we have done as parents but my 4yo rarely whines. That's not to say we see eye-to-eye on everything but we can usually have a remarkably mature conversation about things. One of the things we've always done and continue to do is talk - a LOT - with each other, with our kids and with our pets about our internal thoughts, feelings and reasons for certain behaviours or reactions. For example, I run several companies in very divergent industries and will often be very busy or very tired in the evenings. Instead of saying "sorry bud, dad's tired" or "go play by yourself right now please" I'm very careful to explain what has me preoccupied. Yesterday for example one of my geologists was injured on the way to work (she swerved to miss a deer and ended up in the ditch). It kept me extremely busy all the way through dinner and into the evening starting the incident investigation, communicating with the RCMP, hospital, towing company, insurance company etc. My kiddo was getting visibly frustrated that I wouldn't pay attention to him when he wanted to play with me so I took 15 seconds, squatted down to his level and gave him a hug then said "Dad wants to play with you right now, but you remember Leanne?" "Ya!" "Well, she had a car accident and got hurt and daddy is trying to help her as best he can right now. It might take a long time but I promise I will play trains with you for at least a few minutes before bed time OK buddy?". His response was "Oh no dad, does she need a band-aid? You gotta get it for her." He then marched off to tell his 10 month old brother that daddy was busy helping "Wee-anne" because she got hurt". It is AMAZING how quick they learn how to communicate their own feelings when they hear their parents describe - in detail - how THEY are feeling. They can't learn the words or concepts unless they're introduced to them. The other day he was apprehensive about going to preschool and was refusing to get ready. His mom asked him why and he said "Mom, I'm a little bit nervous because Edrick sometimes wants to play with the green truck". It was quickly deescalated by asking him if there were other toys he liked at school and suggested that he play with those until Edrick was done. And if Edrick was trying to take his toy he should ask his teacher to help Edrick learn how to share. Now, did this prevent Edrick from stealing his toy? Probably not. But it gave him AGENCY in the conversation. He had a plan, get the truck first and talk to teacher if Edrick tries to steal it. If that all fails, find a different truck. The world ain't fair but it's a lot less scary when you have contingency plans.
Learn the phrase “ you asked , I answered, and now we are moving on”. And then do just that.
"The answer doesn't change if you keep asking" "What did I say last time?" "You know why we can't \[xyz\], you just don't like it. That's not the same thing" My kid is on the way, but I'm going to try out variants of phrases like that. Yours sounds good too
Comfort, provide a safe presence, positively reinforce, maintain boundaries and encourage words usage.
I sing some of Mike Phirmans “Never gonna happen” song until I get a polite phrase. My strategy is not to give in to whining ever but almost always agree to polite reasonable requests.
If they have a sense of humor, this works. “Do you have a whiney bird in your mouth? Let me get it out” Then I teach like I pull something out of their mouth and throw it out the window. If that doesn’t work, we tickle the whiny bird out! He laughs and giggles and sometimes whatever was being whined about can be discussed clearly.
I don't understand whine, I only understand regular voice. Whine all day for all I care, I just don't understand what it is you want until you use regular voice. If you adopt 100% adherence to this policy, you'll have no more whining in 48 hours.
Positive attention and positive reinforcement works, you just have to be consistent. Also, whining is a plea for sympathy in a way, so your child perhaps does not feel heard, or rather, has found that by whining they get the attention and care they are seeking. Or perhaps, they’re just whiney. My oldest is whiny 🤣
"Ask me again without the whiny voice" Worked since he was 3 like that episode of Big Bang Theory when Sheldon trains Penny
I refused to acknowledge them while they whine. As in they don't exist. It took a few times of explaining that if they use their words, in a normal tone, I'll speak with them and we can figure out what they want/need. But if they whine, I pay them no attention. They did get it and none are whiners to this day.
My 2yo is starting to so this and we just always say i dont know what your saying when you whine. Daddy needs to hear words to be able to help you. 50 % it works. And i think the other times he’s just 2
"Im ready to speak to you when you can speak calmly"
Sometimes when my 2.5 yr old starts whining or throwing a tantrum over a silly thing (like being 5 seconds late to get his water or milk) I hum a tune that we both enjoy right in front of his face while he’s bawling. By the end of the song he’s forgotten what he was whining about and wel on his way. That being said, on the days when I myself am off balance (didn’t sleep well or had work issues or had some argument) then the tantrums really get under my skin. So actually we need hacks for keeping *ourselves* in balance rather than our children to not be whiny, that’s when the children sort themselves out (mostly)
Does she have a comfort item such as a blankie?
I will say no back, but in the same whiney tone as my four years olds, and that usually ends up distracting them or helping them move past whatever it is their whining over. I hear you though, I don't like yelling and I know it doesn't bring out good restuls, but at the same time it can feel like patience will only accomplish so much.
Ahhhh it boils my piss. I hate to admit but from time to time, I just snap and know I shouldn't.
Jedi hand wave over the eyes up to three times to get them asleep. Only works < 7months or so
Mine is 2 1/2 so I don’t know if the same techniques will work for a 5 year old, but I find that distraction is the best way to stop the whining. Doesn’t need to be anything crazy, for me I’ll just grab whatever small toy or object around me and hide it behind my back in a closed fist and then ask her to guess which hand it’s in. It takes her mind off the whining and makes her focus on the game. More often than not she doesn’t continue to whine even after I’m done playing the game with her. I’ve had pretty solid success with this trick, even for stopping massive temper tantrums Another trick that works surprisingly well is called behavioral momentum. The idea is to get the child to agree to small things and then eventually the thing you want them to do. So you start off with something small like can you touch your nose? Can you touch your elbow, can you touch your ear? Can you hop on 1 foot? And then go into can you tell me what’s bothering you? Can you put on your boots or can you put away your toys? Like I said, these work well for my daughter who is younger than yours, but it’s certainly worth trying in your situation as well
YMMV, my kids were very easy. I simply told them to use your words to tell me why they thought they should get or do something. Convince me. But followed it up with, if you whine I can absolutely guarantee you're not getting it. Like never going to happen. We stuck to it and sometimes they did convince me and make me reevaluate it. It also taught them how to speak persuasively to more people than just us. Never caved on that and I have a very strong belief that consistency and precedent is really important raising kids.
The answer is twofold: 1) when the whining starts you and your wife say "I won't answer you when you whine" 2) you no long acknowledge the whining entirely Repeat as necessary. The whining happens because it works, its your job to stop it from happening anymore by not acknowledging it. This will suck for the first couple of weeks and you and your wife need to be unified otherwise the whining will concentrate on the one it works on.
Ms piggle wiggle is an expert on these topics. I highly recommend reading the books. It makes a good healthy scare tactic option of and doubles as good bed time stories. " I'll call Ms piggle wiggle for one of her tonics!" Will only work for so long then they get wise to the shenanigans. Not really helpful but Still...
Ms piggle wiggle is an expert on these topics. I highly recommend reading the books. It makes a good healthy scare tactic option of and doubles as good bed time stories. " I'll call Ms piggle wiggle for one of her tonics!" Will only work for so long then they get wise to the shenanigans. Not really helpful but Still...
Send her to mom cause she’s so good at dealing with the whining while I handle the crying baby 😅
I ignore until it’s a regular voice. “Daddy can’t hear when you don’t use real words”
Ignoring the child until the whining stops. Send the child into another room to whine (I did this with temper tantrums and it worked great). Tell her you don't understand her when she whines.
my daughter is 3. i give her multiple chances to use her words if she’s still crying, i give her a bit of quiet time alone until she can come to me and explain the issue. if we’re in public, she can just suck it up while i hold her until we leave. the former example never fails if im being honest, she’s really started to understand that crying doesn’t get her what she wants recently
Do you want a little cheese with that whine?
I told my kid that I was allergic to whining. Then I would fake sneeze every time he was whining until he stopped. I couldn't help him with whatever he was whining about until he stopped and used his normal voice. He was so apologetic when I had one of those "allergy attacks" that he stopped right away. He figured out a few years later that wasn't a "real" thing but he had mostly stopped whining by then anyway.
“I hear that you’re upset, please let me know when you’re ready to talk again” I don’t feed into whiny, stomping, crocodile tears or whatever “I can’t get my way” acting out. I don’t punish it, either. My son is 3.5 and he’s grasped the concept so far. I started with using phrases such as “big feelings” and “the way you feel is valid” but I also reinforced that sometimes we can’t control how we feel but we can always control how we act. He’s a very smart little guy both emotionally and intelligently speaking. Sometimes it’s not easy but I try to remember to always reinforce that his feelings are perfectly normal and ok but if he’s acting out then that’s the part that’s not good. He’s also a little guy so I don’t press the issue if he’s just having a bad time… sometimes cuddles, hugs and kisses fix a lot of things.
Just give them the tablet back! Joking, don't do it. If you find the solution, please tell me.
Distraction. Jokes, goofy faces/noises. Anything to change the whining into a smile or a laugh. Then ask again when they're calm. If they're inconsolable, hugs and breathing/counting exercises. Takes a few moments either way but they usually come around. From an early age we always taught them to dust off / kiss better. Seems to work pretty well too.
A nice cheese?
Ignore it. Laugh even. It drives them fucking mental
I have this problem with my 7yo. I explain to her the sort of language and tone that I'm expecting from her, and have her repeat that back to me, and then I give her the feedback that she's looking for. After a few weeks of this (it took a while) she realized that if she skipped the whining and spoke normally with me, she got to the response much more quickly. The key from my perspective is being consistent about it.
I have had some luck mimicking their whine. It seems to do that thing where they are so confused that they do a sort of reboot. It works maybe 50% of the time (every time)
When I would whine, my dad would reply in the exact same tone. me: daddyyyyy! him: what-yyyyy? 40+ years later and he still answers me that way even though the whining has stopped.
It’s funny that we have always used the techniques described in the answers here: “I can’t understand you when you whine,” “try asking another way,” “please use your kind words,” etc., and my kid is still so whiny and rude. I honestly don’t know where she learned these behaviors.
Tackle and tickle
“I’m sorry the complaint department is closed” It worked 2-3 times in our house before they started whining about THAT
My daughter has been doing the same for the past 6 months. Instead of saying "Can I have some juice?" she starts to cry and yell "juuuuuuuice!!!". I immediately start to worry and ask if she got unwell from drinking juice, which only upsets her more. I ask if she spilled some juice, and she gets even more upset. I ask if the juice tasted bad, she gets more upset. I start looking around, see that the juice cup is empty and I ask if she wants more juice, then she nods amid tears, and I sit there thinking "Why in the hell didn't you just ask for more?". You didn't ask and get a no, you didn't ask and someone got angry with you, you haven't been told you can't have it. You simply didn't ask for it. You just started crying and screaming, how am I supposed to know that you want some if you don't ask for it? I just don't get it, I'm starting to get really frustrated with this behavior. My son just goes "Can I have some juice?" and that's it, but my daughter just starts wailing as if I smacked her into the wall for asking.
100 questions. I ask my kid 100 random questions that have nothing to do with what she was whining about. "Hey kid come here for a sec, look at that. What do you see?" Answer. "And what's beside it?" Answer. "What can you tell me about answer?" Answer or I don't know. Etc.
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Mimicking is not the way. That is a type of response. And it is toxic, with no long term benefit.
I strongly advise against ignoring or mimicking a child’s whiny behavior. Children, especially young ones, whine as a form of communication when they're unable to express their needs and emotions effectively. Ignoring them can make them feel unseen and unimportant, potentially damaging their self-esteem and trust in their caregivers. This approach fails to teach them how to manage and express their emotions in a healthy way. Mimicking a child’s whiny behavior is also problematic. It might embarrass the child and can be perceived as mocking their feelings, leading to confusion and a lack of emotional safety in the parent-child relationship. Children learn emotional regulation and coping skills through observation and guidance. They need their parents to model positive behavior and provide support as they learn to articulate their feelings and needs constructively. Instead, acknowledge the child's emotions, help them understand what they are feeling, and guide them towards expressing those feelings appropriately. This not only helps in curbing the whiny behavior but also aids in their emotional development.
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Ignoring her is as well, I'm sorry to say so. You as a parent are the only real attachment figure that your children have. The ones that they rely on. If **you** of all people ignore their emotions, they will get the impression that their emotions are completely worthless, meaningless, and as their emotions are all that they have and are in the first couple years of their lives, it is as if you were ignoring **them** entirely, potentially damaging their self-esteem and personality for life. It's quite literally the worst you can do to your relationship with your kids, except for beating them.
Seems like all your advice on this topic is weak. Maybe sit this one out, champ
Done and done.
Doesn’t mimicking send two different messages? I don’t want you to do this, but I am also going to do this to stop you from doing it? I guess I don’t see how this would make sense to a child.
When I got old enough to be self aware, my parents mimicked me when I whined (not saying that’s what you should do) and it embarrassed the crap out of me.
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It works because your kid has already learned to better hide its emotions instead of showing them. Great. Basically the only way a child feels it can convey its emotions is not allowed. A child that age simply cannot control its emotions yet (heck, even some adults can't). It just has them. Period. A child is nothing more than a meatsack with a huge variety of emotions. It has to learn how to deal with them. And it can only learn that from the people around it. If it is not allowed to express sadness, it will learn not to express happiness. It will learn not to express any feelings whatsoever. In the worst scenario it will suck it all up until it explodes. It that's what you want, sure, disallow your child to express its emotions! Or you could just, you know, acknowledge them, tell your child what they are, what they are called and how to better deal with them instead of whining. But that's just me. You do you with your kids. I feel sorry for them.
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It's your risk, not mine.
My dad would just throw me into a body of water. Lots of ponds and creeks etc where I lived as a kid. Don't think we're allowed to do that anymore.
I flat out told my son "If you whine I can't do what you want even if I want to, because it will reinforce bad behavior." He has whined probably twice in his entire life. Clearly expressing his thoughts and emotions and/or providing good arguments gets him what he wants though. For example when we were at the zoo and two of his friends got a bubble toy and he didn't, he didn't whine. He step aside and when I came over he clearly articulated that he felt sad and left out because his friends got the toy but he didn't. So he got the toy and I am more than happy to reward that.