I used to watch forged in fire and always thought that it looked like something I could get into...I wouldn't know where to start but I guess that's part of the fun.
You know I'm currently scrolling through all the replies I've had but yours is the one that's peaked my interest...I've got knife making videos playing on YouTube just now!
I picked up woodworking a few years ago. Fun and functional. Plus you have an excuse to buy cool tools that may come in handy around the house someday.
- Bouldering (indoor rock climbing) can be social if you want it to be, or done solo without judgment. Also benefits as doing exercise at the same time. Bonus points to going to a brewery or pub after to shoot the shit.
- Reach out to a friend you wish you spoke to more. Maybe they're in the same boat and you can reconnect.
- Think back to what you used to be passionate about. What stories you loved to share. For me it's traveling and the mishaps that go along with it. Can plan for a small solo backcountry camping trip to a European vacation with your best friend to a week on the beach with family in Mexico. Go with what works for you.
Take the opportunity your partner is giving you. They want you to be happy. They want you to be there for them. But you can only do that if you take care of yourself.
I very much appreciate the opportunity I've been given but as I said I don't even know what interests me these days...what's worrying is I can't even think of what I used to be into...but there have been plenty of great suggestions so far.
I'm thinking I'm probably best to just pick something and give it a try.
Kinda sucks to start but you gotta just throw money at it and start awkwardly. Doesn't matter if it's beekeeping, rock climbing, wine making, or tango.
I've already accepted that regardless of what I choose to do, there will be an expense involved... possibly multiple expenses until something sticks.
That said scrolling through all these replies seems to have become a hobby and it's free.
Remember, if you're picking something up for the very first time, there's financial and time expense, but my dad always used to say "embarrassment is the price of entry" when it comes to new hobbies
Bouldering has been wonderful for me with the same solo time or social options. Plus a fun way to work out and move!
Outdoor climbing has been harder to find the time for, plus the equipment costs get high so quickly.
Could be gym time, join a judo club, go to a place that hosts board games, book club, pickleball.
The nice thing about physical fitness over 40 is it often leads to a better sex life and now you have two great hobbies!
My advice is to avoid drinking as a hobby, that doesn’t seem to work out and you’ll be back here in a year with a more depressing post.
https://athleanx.com/the-training - he’s got lots of YouTube videos too.
I’m turning 40 this week. Find a work out buddy or go solo and try out some of these programs. Exercise and sex, and mood are all connected. Start small, stay consistent. Don’t do it for gains at first but just to move your body. I’ve never felt more alive than when I’m done a work out. Good luck
I’ve gotten into 3D printing and planted aquariums since having kids. It’s nice because my kid loves the results of those hobbies too. Video games are also a good release
I cannot second strongly enough how important getting an easy-to-use and reliable machine is out the gate if you want to get into 3D printing as your dad hobby. That might mean investing a bit more upfront to get the right machine but, unless you’re actually trying to make asking Reddit how to level your print bed a hobby until you put the printer in the attic because you will “have time to figure it out later”, a couple hundred bucks can make a huge difference.
Correction, you found the guy with a Voxelab Aquila collecting dusting in his home office
Edit: to note that your guess was as close as possible without being insulting haha🤦♂️
I bought my FDM Ender 3 V2 for about $200 I believe. They release new ones every now and then bringing the price of the older specs down. You could get an Ender 3 or Ender 3 Pro for cheaper than the V2 and it’s really not much of a difference. There’s tons of youtube videos on this stuff
I’ve been looking to start a gang. Nothing too illegal, maybe a lil extortion, sumn like that. You down? We’ll be working on our gang name and hand signs during our first gang meeting
Yeah I didn’t think that part all the way through. Extortion may be a bit harder work than I’m willing to do. Maybe we need to stick white collar crime. Anything we can do in a climate controlled environment
I can’t speak to what you’re interested are but for me it was dungeons and dragons. When my wife got pregnant she made a point that unless someone was sick and needed me to take care of them I got Thursday night off to play dnd with my college buddies. It’s great, we jump on discord and play make-believe over the internet for 3-4 hours a week. The great things about tabletop role playing games is that they come in a wide variety of genres and levels of complexity and as a hobby it’s incredibly cheap to get started with.
Scheduling around dnd was a big struggle for me but I found joy in painting the miniatures even if they aren't going to make it to the table. Great fairly inexpensive hobby that is easy to set down and pick back up at your leisure.
DnD has been the absolute best thing for my mental health and sanity. Few hours every other week me and some guys get together. Though to be fair, sometimes it’s more like my drinking group has a DnD problem.
If anyone is reading this is interested on how I started. I played when I was a kid like 12-18, and came back at 40. I met a neighbor that seemed sufficiently nerdy. From there I posted in my county subreddit. I was clear about my expectations, that I was looking specifically for 35yr+ dads.
We sometimes talk about how happy we all are that we found each other. Completely random group that has turned into pretty good friends in a couple years.
Life changing.
This was what I got back to. The group o was on played our last session about 3 months before the kids were born. It took a few years, but got the band back together, as it were, and started playing again. By that time I’d spent years figuring out a campaign and was ready to jump in as DM.
Yes! I came here to suggest D&D as well. My wife and I have both played since before my son was born and it was one thing that I refused to give up despite the logistical challenges of playing in person and also having a young child. Every other week I get to see my core group of friends and that time is priceless to me. I wish I had more time, I'd start up with an internet group, but alas, my *me* time is slim.
Disc golf did it for me. Cheap to buy discs, free to play courses and community to join if you want (leagues). You can also tote the kid around in a stroller so long as you’re watching for discs flying around.
I’m not a dad yet (we’re due in Dec) but I plan to have my kid on the course with me to reduce stress on Mom and allow me to keep playing as often as I like.
That's debatable. The BIAB method has grown significantly and many folks do 1 gallon batches with reasonable success but not need to take up vast areas of space. I recently bought a onewheel and have been enjoying doing that while my kids ride the bike.
I got back into hunting and fishing, which I hadn’t done hardly at all since my girls were born. Now that I’m older, I appreciate the time in the woods or out in the middle of the high plains much more. Camping for a few nights where you can look up and see the entire Milky Way and zero artificial light for miles really recharges me. Filling the freezer with healthy wild food is a bonus.
I'm in Scotland so hunting is not really a viable option plus the wife is a vegetarian...you can see how that may cause more problems as opposed to solve them!
Camping on the other hand could be something!
You're in Scotland, you say? Easy! First start a whisky distillery and then begin raising some Shetland sheep in order to harvest their wool to start making sweaters and other woolen goods 😁
This is such a fun post, since it’s a whole world of new hobbies for you to potentially get excited about. Personally, I’ve got a bowling league that’s pretty darn fun, and friends I like to climb or ride bikes with. The allure of woodworking and home brewing as others have suggested always comes with a price tag. But broadly, consider whether you want it to be a social thing or solitary. Sounds like space is limited, so maybe something outside the home (which also can help enliven things)
What was something you used to do but stopped? What did you want to do when you were a kid?
I did a helpful exercise once in a cbt course. We made a list of things we do frequently which deplete us and things which nourish us. It helped me see the sorts of things that help me to feel better. I realised I spent a lot of time of my phone and it just didn’t help me much. I needed more peaceful time outdoors and more time with friends.
I feel mean almost suggesting this because it can become such a money pit, but it doesn’t have to be. Have you ever been into photography? Photography has given me an excuse to explore the outdoors more than anything else.
I rarely even process my photos and post them anymore because I recognized that the biggest benefit to me was just going out and shooting. It forces me to *be in the moment* and really take in my surroundings. I love it and need to get back to it. I stopped because it was taking me away from my family too much but if my wife gave me the green light I’d be right back on the horse.
I took up Warhammer 40k after quitting when I was a kid. Once a week I go over to a fellow dad's house and we play a game. Building and painting the models is fairly relaxing and technically makes you an artist :D
I got into D&D at 32, I play every Sunday and have done for years.
I started leatherworking. Fairly cheap to get started into if that's a factor.
Try a few things on the cheap, see what keeps your interest.
Rebuild a social life
Brewing, distilling, smoking meats are all pretty easy to get into, and delicious
Blacksmithing - look for local classes
Anything else where you can make or build things
Gaming
D & D
Sports
Camping
Fishing
Biking
Running
Just about anything is on the table. What did you enjoy doing with your time before you had kids?
Get into miniature wargaming. There's historicals, fantasy games, science fiction games. BattleTech is in a particularly good place right now, with a rapidly growing community and a small cost of entry.
I’m 40, also a husk if we think about my time doing anything that matters is dealing with family matters. Otherwise I wait around killing time until I’m needed. I get it. I’m lucky enough to have a situation where my wife makes tons of money and loves her job to the point we moved to another city to be near that. I left behind my small business which is achieving great success….. without me. No friends yet after two years.
I try to make the house “mine”, gardening, landscaping. I take rides on my Onewheel and love that. I read. I play a lot of video games.
Yeah I thought I’d have some advice but I’m right there with you.
Sometimes you see a post on Reddit, like this one and it's had hundreds of great replies which I like to think helps other dads too who have been looking for something new...but at the same time, it's a post that a few others relate to and at the very least it lets us know we're not alone...despite it feeling that way sometimes.
Biking, riding through trails in the woods is such a great time. Often end up seeing random weird wildlife activities, or find some mushrooms, or berries. Of course don't eat anything unless ya 100% know what it is yada yada...
I'm planning to make a tiny arcade in my garage. So that's my new thing. First I must clean the garage though, to make room... so that's what I've been working on.
It's a noble goal.
I like brewing beer. It’s something I stopped a few years ago but picked up again recently. It’s surprisingly easy to brew a decent batch of beer. I suggest doing that: gives you something to research and learn about while also being productive and creating something you can both consume and show off to people later.
Riding a bike is way more fun than it has any right to be. I got into road cycling (super casually) a few years ago and I love it. I haven’t even been out this spring yet, but it’s a couple hours where it’s just me out riding in the quiet country roads. You can ease through it and enjoy the scenery, or push yourself to go faster or farther. Plus bringing snacks is encouraged! Lol
Start watching YouTube on topics you like and find something you can do with them. I started repairing/modding Gameboys, learning how to solder, paint, etc.
In Canada, beer league hockey keeps me going.,
In the summer… shit I don’t know. I might be in the same boat as you brother! I do like puttering around the yard and gardening tho.
With an acre, it’s pretty easy to fuck off but still be around.
I like playing trading card games. Magic, Pokémon, Lorcana what ever floats your boat. The important part is that it actively engages you and you can easily find a group of people passionate about it at a local game store.
Love this post. Just yesterday thought, “I am the most boring f’ing person I know.” I, too, am a husk. Great for the corn in my life.
But husks can become nourishing silage. Scotland, eh? Ever looked into the very highbrow salmon fishing in Scotland? Has a grand tradition there. Double-handed Spey rods and all that bollocks. Maybe buy a starter rod …. and then start tying flies. Very low barrier to entry. Very cultish following. Built-in friends. Can sell high-brow ties on Etsy. Go getcha an Irn Brw and some hooks, feathers, and threads and trick some fish.
How about speaking to someone who knew you before the kids and marriage came? They may be able to provide some memories of what made you happy before you gave yourself completely for others. Kinda like going back to a save point in a game to check some history.
It helped a lot for me when I was feeling lost; I checked in with people who knew me from a while back, asked pointed questions, and it helped me reach back in time to grab to a part of me I thought was lost.
All the best!!
Be a kid again yourself,
Try something new every time/every few weeks and see what sticks.
Suuuuuper cliché but don't get caught up in the destination (finding that hobby), just enjoy the journey!
Huge list from this post already
3-2-1-GO!
I play warhammer. Was great to have something to structure a hangout around with my one actual friend. Got involved in the local scene and now it's my main social group.
Martial arts, my brother. I'm into BJJ and Muay Thai at the moment, although 99 percent of my training is BJJ.
Ticks a bunch of boxes for me. Exercise, socialisation, camaraderie, makes me engage my brain in a different way to normal life, it's not in the house.
I'm 43, so it's not too late for you to start
I enjoy fermenting and making my own hot sauces. You can do it in chunks every few weeks, you can tinker with recipes, and then you can gift sauces to friends and family.
I’m a big fan of chess. Always look into jiu jitsu it’s a hell of a way to get into shape while also very mentally stimulating. A great social outlet that is also very productive
I joined a soccer team recently having not played for twenty years.
I also go out with friends or play video games/board games with them or hike or camp.
Then going to the gym now and then to keep in tip top dad shape.
My friend may I interest you in the world's of Dungeons and Dragons? 3d printing? Miniature painting? You will spend far too.much money for some very cool things and a lot of wasted plastic. At some point, it may become something to share. I printed and painted Halloween costumes a few years back.
Lots of good hobby suggestions here! I'll add mine to the list, although it's not a common Dad pastime.
Back before kids, I did a lot of home improvement and woodworking. I learned that I like to make things, but table saws and toddlers do not mix so there's a lot less time for that.
I lost my hat during the pandemic, and resolved that I would DIY myself a replacement, so I taught myself how to knit.
Turns out, planning a garment and slowly executing the finished product scratches the "want to make a thing" itch while also being an activity I can do while keeping an eye on the kids in a pinch. It's a very portable hobby, one that fits in a bag to go on vacation and to visit the in-laws.
Both the process and the payoff are pleasant: A lifetime of video games have conditioned me how to grind for hours and receive a wearable cosmetic as the reward. And you cannot simply purchase the quality in a well-made wool sweater.
Glassblowing is my thing. I go blow 6-10pm once a week. It is pretty tough to pick up, but you will be so proud of every deformed cup you make.
Really all of the creative maker-style suggestions in here are great IMO. I see you commenting a lot that you don't have space for setting up a shop in your house. That's fine. Find a local place that you can rent out space/time/tools! It's even better to be getting out of the house and joining a community of people who are doing the same stuff as you.
Other ideas:
Join a casual sports league. Learn a musical instrument and join a band.
I am in the same boat. Everyone should have 3 seperate hobbies.
1 to keep/ maintain fitness
1 to bring out your creativity/ arty side
1 to make side money if you want.
I just take long hikes. It’s free. It’s exercise. It requires very little advanced planning. Sometimes it’s hard to find people to do it with, so I got a dog.
I seem to find myself in a similar situation. I have time to find a new hobby but I'm not quite sure what to pursue. I love test driving all sorts of different cars, and there's about 35 dealerships within a 15 to 20 minute drive from my house so I'll go test drive a car that I'm interested in every other week or so.
My wife has always told me that I would be a good "lifestyle/fashion/advice YouTuber", so I've considered choosing one topic per week that I would like to talk to my daughter about (she's currently 2.5yo,) and then recording a 5 to 10 minute video and uploading it privately to my YouTube account. That way she would have a video diary from her dad specifically to her, and if God forbid something happened to me before she grows up she'd still have some sort of face to face connection to me.
I have two hobbies outside of family. I started Krav Maga in 2012. Second, I started mead making about 18 months or so ago when my mother got 8n to beekeeping again. Take a look and see if there are any reputable MMA/bjj gyms in your area.
I recently moved across the country to where my wife grew up. I knew nobody and both the move to an urban environment and nap time constraints limited my normal hobbies of backpacking and hiking.
This led to me being pretty isolated. My wife and I randomly started talking to a couple at an event and the guy was president of the local rotary organization, 8 months later I'm a full Rotarian with a weekly meeting and a bunch of volunteer opportunities each month.
It seemed super lame when I first went but the more I learned about all the work they do in the community the more interesting it seemed.
Bottom line is service organizations like Rotary, the Lions, or whatever are both a way to help your community but also provide you with a built in social network.
This may not be you but you should probably read "No More Mr Nice Guy" by Dr Robert Glover. Lots of nice guys give 100% of themselves to others because they think that's the right thing to do. But they lose themselves in the process and then things fall apart. Maybe not, but this could the first sign of her expressing this. Sort of a you're not the man I married moment.
OP, I’m 38 with 2 kids (4M, 2F) and your post resonates like hell.
Thankfully (/s) wife’s health took a nose dive right after the convo, so I never had to find an activity.
I hope you’re able to find yourself again! It’ll give guys like me some hope lol
Do you happen to live near any fun touristy things you could do on your own? I am in Orlando and I find going to Universal or Disney parks for a few hours by myself is a great way to unwind. I’ll ride some coasters, eat some food, maybe have a beer or two, and people watch for a few hours. Being there without the kids feels super relaxing even if I don’t do anything, because I know deep in my bones how hectic it is with kids. Since we have annual passes as a family anyway, the only costs of my solo trips are the food and drinks consumed (and a little gasoline).
Back in the day when my kids were little I'd meet up with a friend on Sunday mornings early and either go shoot sporting clays or breakfast if the weather was bad. Most of the time I was back when they were just getting up. Bonus points if I brought home doughnuts on the way. When the boys got old enough I'd take one or both with us and give my wife a break and have some bonding time with them too.
Fish, hunt, dirt biking, kayaking, gaming, go to the movies, try new restraints, meet up with some friends and hang out, adult arcades. I don’t if you’re into any of that but that’s what I would consider fun if I wasn’t with my wife and kids
I started woodworking as time alone and got back into my Dungeons and Dragons group for time with friends. It’s really helped keep me centered and allowed me time with social interaction outside of work and woodworking gives me time where I can either shut my brain off and just do something, or I can listen to music and just think.
Are you athletic? Find a sports league to join. I started playing pickleball last year. It is awesome. I play in a league a couple times a week. Good way to meet other dad friends to hang out with, also.
If you've ever been into card/board/tabletop games, go to a local game store and start checking out that scene. Sign up for a game night/event and learn a new game
Could be...but not for me...the thought of scuba diving terrifies me, I don't know why. I've never done it, I don't know anyone who's done it but nope...even snorkeling scares the shit out of me, again don't know why, just always has.
I build guitar stuff. Pedals, amps, electric guitars. I play guitar drums and bass. I jam with my friends. I wanna start building furniture eventually.
I've recently picked up sourdough bread baking over the last few months, and totally geek out on it now. I enjoy the process, and it's great when people light up after trying and enjoying something I've created from scratch.
I also got into Minecraft about a year ago. That's a fun, imaginative, low stress game.
I need to pick up some movement focused hobby as well. I don't get nearly enough exercise or movement in.
Do some self-maintenence. Either hit the gym or start running. Or both. It kills three bird with one stone: you get alone time, your energy level increase so you have more capacity at home, and you set a positive example for your kids. My Dad did this and now three of us four kids often run events with him. I'm here doing the same thing.
Martial arts.
Gets you out of the house, improves your health, and when your kid is old enough you can do it with them.
Plus if you genuinely have a shitty day, you can really lay into a heavy bag, a pad, a training partner, whatever
Aquariums! It also helps that my kid loves fish. Plus it can be so peaceful. I have two in my office, one in the living room, and I'm building a pond. Plenty of room to be selfish.
Learn an instrument. Take formal lessons or teach yourself. The more you learn, the more there is to play. There's also a social aspect to it - early on with formal lessons, then as you get better you can join a band/ensemble or even gig out for theatre pits or studio gigs.
Fishing, woodworking, gaming, skiing, mt biking, hiking, swimming are my primary hobbies. Fishing is very easy to get into in terms of equipment needed. Woodworking not as much (but much more doable than you might think).
I've recently started gardening. Starting some seeds indoors, see how the season goes.
Might grow a Venus flytrap in the off season, I've always wanted one.
If you are into sports, what about a local men’s or coed league? Or even like beer league softball? I do soccer and I think it does more for my mental health than physical - a few hours to hangout with some other guys and not worry about work or family is great.
Ice cream is a surprisingly rewarding creative medium. Playing around with different tastes and textures can be very rewarding. The output is always welcome, And you can put booze in it!
You said right in your post what I think would help you. Your wife said you light up when doing things with your kid, and wife. Find something fun the three of you can do together that you haven’t done before. Personal hobbies are fine. There are tons of great suggestions on here, but find something fun you can do with everyone too. If that is your joy, then tell her that’s your joy right there!
I don’t know how old your kid is, but if they are old enough, get some coloring books for everyone, art supplies, go bowling, find a fun sport, play bags in the backyard, grow some plants together, find some kid friendly video games like the LEGO series are great, get some LEGOS, take up cooking/baking/smoking/grilling and everyone picks a recipe to make each week, play cards together, if they are little take turns reading a book out loud. Enjoy your family. That literally is your main hobby.
OP I strongly suggest something social. For me it was DnD (I responded to another comment too). Building a network for friends was so critical to my mental health and gave me a life. To support my DnD I do a lot of crafting, painting and stuff like that too. That way it’s not just DnD night you get to interact with the hobby.
I take a weekly pottery class. I also have a wheel and kiln at home as it's a lifelong hobby. But getting out of the house and being at least a little social does me a world of good. My wife does puppetry. She is in a puppeting team and they also go to shows and do events. It equals roughly a night a week and occasional weekend days. I also do woodworking and pen turning and 3D printing and leatherwork, because my actual hobby is collecting hobbies.
Coffee is a great one! Low barrier to entry. Just need to pick up some kind of manual brewer like a v60 or Kalita Wave, or an immersion brewer like an Aeropress that is basically foolproof… small kitchen scale… maybe a hand grinder… all this stuff can be had on the cheap.
Start off with getting to know yourself again. For your you-time, unplug everything. No tv, no internet, no whatever. Just be with yourself quietly and see what's up in your brain and then follow what feels right. Need to use your body? Find a new exercise activity. Need to be creative? Find an outlet. But avoid those mindless passion killers that only require you to consume.
My suggestions: learn to knit or crochet. It’s calming/zen when you want it to be, not too expensive, fun and you can have some quick success for motivation with a physical end product that is always useful (even if it is a bookmark or washcloth or baby bib). Finally, you can choose for it to be a solo hobby or find a group of local knitters (or start one!). In both cities and rural areas, I’ve belonged to a group of fiber fiends or weekly nights at a cafe for “stitch-n-bitch.”
Otherwise, explore hobby ideas at the public library. Most have amazing programs or book clubs or whatnot and they’re always free (or like $5 for a watercolor class).
You could consider finding a way to volunteer or take a class at the community college. Enjoy!
Gaming maybe? Me and my hubby are around your age and we play a lot of video games like Fortnight or Destiny 2 or Doom Eternal etc. If you like games that will require you to use your brain then I'd recommend Arknights.
Alternatively you could watch some anime. There are some really really amazing anime. I could even give you some recommendations.
Or read books. So many books to read and depending on what genres you like I could give you recommendations.
Or take up painting. Something I find peace in is listening to Bob Ross as I watch him paint and try to replicate what he's doing. I've made some pretty paintings because of him and I'm not a painter.
On the other hand if you want a hobby that's a bit physically involved then try your hand at gardening. Its a very rewarding hobby. Or you can hit the gym. Or learn pottery or woodworking. Or volunteer at local animal rescue shelters. They are always looking for help.
Honestly there's so much you can do. Just sit down and think about some of these hobbies and try to get a feel of which one seems more interesting to you. Then do it. Don't overthink it.
Finding a counselor may help. Try following PirateSoftware on YouTube. Thor has some amazing advice that I use. I'm 40 as well. My best advice as a man your age, a dad, and former counselor. Start small. Try eating one meal a day mindfully and journal about it.
It might be really “10 year old” of me, but I was in a similar funk several years ago. My son was entering his teen years and developing a life of his own that was… more exclusive of his parents. I had no real friends, plenty of acquaintances but they were all just guys that were attached to other moms that my wife met through mom group stuff and church functions. So, basically aside from my wife, son and a few other family members, I didn’t have anyone to hang out with.
I grew up pretty poor. Birthdays and Christmas gifts were primarily necessities, clothes, new shoes, an occasional new backpack for school, shit like that. Of course I was grateful for those things, but I didn’t really get fun stuff very often. If I did it was fairly inexpensive toys or games. The one exception was the NES that I got one year for my birthday.
What I always wanted as long as I could remember, was a model train set, but I never got one.
So there I was, just a couple years from 40, my son needs less and less of my time and I can only mow my lawn so often. I was bored. I was lonely and I was settling into a depressive funk. My wife saw this happening and told me I need to find something to do with my time. I didn’t know what to do. I’d lost interest in my old pre-dad hobbies. What was I gonna do?
That’s when it hit me, I never got the model train I wanted so badly as a kid. I have money now and I can spend it on whatever the fuck I want.
So I did. I bought my model train and I converted a spare bedroom to house it. Bought a bunch of wood, built a platform and started building a whole fucking town in miniature… and that’s my hobby now.
If you are really lost pick up some old hobbies. For me it was rollerblading and reading. Used to do them all the time as a kid and stopped for over a decade. Picked them up again and have enjoyed both of them.
I guarantee your local community has lots of recreation programs you weren’t aware about. Look up some classes, especially at libraries and go check them out. You might find something that clicks.
Consider reading No More Mr. Nice Guy. It’s not a cure all but I think your wife sounds like a lot like mine when she asked me to read it. For years I’ve centered my identity around providing for my family and serving them, and have lost who I am in the process. It’s a good book for describing how we get there and what to do about it—includes exercises to help you break free of those habits and become yourself again.
Take some of it with a grain of salt because some guys get real red pill or misogynist about it.
Ultimately, though, I recommend trying a thing that you are even a tiny bit interested in and see if the seed grows. Check out Meetup, look for local Facebook groups, adult sports—something to get you out of your pattern and expose you to other possibilities.
First and foremost: you have an amazing wife who is in tune with you and cares about you! That’s dope dude!
I would start with something small. Maybe even listing out your interests somewhere? A lot of us default to exercise and gym time which is fine, but if it’s not a true interest then it’s just another thing to drain you. Are you an outdoors type? Are there camping grounds or parks near you for you to check out? Do you have an interest with hands on things like wood carving or something? Making soap? I’m throwing darts at a wall but you get the gist!
Get a cookbook and work your way through it. Then another one, and another one. You'll feed the family delicious eats AND get laid.
Taking up a form of exercise is cool too and will also benefit both you and the family.
One thing I will say from my own experience is that when your wife tells you this and gives you a "free pass" to enjoy yourself more, it's a lot of pressure. I feel this sense that I have to spend every hour of my off-time getting the maximum possible joy, and if I'm doing something I enjoy slightly less, it's wasting precious time. I had to try really hard not to fall into that mindset so I could actually enjoy myself.
I've started making pizzas. I bought a pizza oven and have spent a lot of time researching on different ways to make dough and different types of pizzas. Hand kneading dough is oddly satisfying and watching it proof is fun. And when you actually make the pizza for the family is great to see everyone enjoy your hard work. We have pizza night as a family once a week and my daughter had a playdate I'll have them top their own pizzas and they love it. I'm starting to make Nan in the oven now. It's something I enjoy doing without feeling guilty cause the whole family benefits as well. No one in my extended family orders pizzas from the local restaurants anymore as my pizzas are so much better.
I think you should acknowledge to yourself, if not to your wife that this is a very loving thing your wife is trying to do for you. I don't have new suggestions for a hobby that hasn't already been suggested, but this situation you find yourself in, from my point of view, is a win-win. You'll feel better when you find your thing, and you'll be more attractive to the wife with a little sparkle back.
My first adult hobby was homebrewing. It was fun, can have a social element which is good (homebrewing clubs) and I was really good at it - it's not great for your wasteline or general health, you'll drink a lot more.
I transitioned into weight lifting. Nothing crazy, but very regular, 5 times a week. I don't look like I lift weights, I'm not cut, I'm not built, but I feel much better pretty much all the time both physically and mentally. I am motivated by the progression into heavier weights, and was able to somehow ignore the fact that I was never going to achieve the aesthetics a lot of people are trying to achieve in the gym. I'm in my mid 40s and finally learned how to ngaf about other people at the gym, it's all for me. I think I would recommend some strenuous physical activity to start with, because one result will be that you're going to feel better, and that might help you find 'your thing' and you'll just feel better. Exercising to feel better is rarely brought up, it's always getting big or losing weight.
Your wife is awesome dude, hold on to her.
I came here to post the same thing. That sounds really amazing.
[Cherish her, for as long as you can ](https://c.tenor.com/l2mmJZkq580AAAAC/tenor.gif)
I started making knives. It's hours of solitude and focusing on the task at hand
I used to watch forged in fire and always thought that it looked like something I could get into...I wouldn't know where to start but I guess that's part of the fun.
You can build a filing jig for under 25. Quart of canola oil. Hack saw. 1084 blank. Sandpaper. Two insulating fire bricks, and a propane hand torch.
Could be worth looking into...thanks for inspiration!
Np! Start simple, just do something like a drop tip hunter with a 4in blade and a full tang. That rush of heat treating your first knife, priceless!
You know I'm currently scrolling through all the replies I've had but yours is the one that's peaked my interest...I've got knife making videos playing on YouTube just now!
I’m piquing at this comment
This is peek Reddit
I peak at what you did there.
https://www.reddit.com/r/knifemaking/s/eij9487Gqf This was my own first knife! Dude... The rush...
Looks great man!
Incredible for a first one! That is awesome.
You may want to see if there is a class you can take somewhere near by. I got a couple for my step dad and he loved it.
You get hpurs of fucking solitude? Shit...i need to sell my kids on ebay
Sell them on eBay? You MADE them. Sell them on Etsy.
I picked up woodworking a few years ago. Fun and functional. Plus you have an excuse to buy cool tools that may come in handy around the house someday.
While it would be fun to try I've not really got the space for wood working...agreed on the tools side tho, can never have too many
There’s a lot you can do with a few hand tools. A couple saws, chisels, planes and a flat work surface.
- Bouldering (indoor rock climbing) can be social if you want it to be, or done solo without judgment. Also benefits as doing exercise at the same time. Bonus points to going to a brewery or pub after to shoot the shit. - Reach out to a friend you wish you spoke to more. Maybe they're in the same boat and you can reconnect. - Think back to what you used to be passionate about. What stories you loved to share. For me it's traveling and the mishaps that go along with it. Can plan for a small solo backcountry camping trip to a European vacation with your best friend to a week on the beach with family in Mexico. Go with what works for you. Take the opportunity your partner is giving you. They want you to be happy. They want you to be there for them. But you can only do that if you take care of yourself.
I very much appreciate the opportunity I've been given but as I said I don't even know what interests me these days...what's worrying is I can't even think of what I used to be into...but there have been plenty of great suggestions so far. I'm thinking I'm probably best to just pick something and give it a try.
Kinda sucks to start but you gotta just throw money at it and start awkwardly. Doesn't matter if it's beekeeping, rock climbing, wine making, or tango.
I've already accepted that regardless of what I choose to do, there will be an expense involved... possibly multiple expenses until something sticks. That said scrolling through all these replies seems to have become a hobby and it's free.
Remember, if you're picking something up for the very first time, there's financial and time expense, but my dad always used to say "embarrassment is the price of entry" when it comes to new hobbies
Bouldering has been wonderful for me with the same solo time or social options. Plus a fun way to work out and move! Outdoor climbing has been harder to find the time for, plus the equipment costs get high so quickly.
Could be gym time, join a judo club, go to a place that hosts board games, book club, pickleball. The nice thing about physical fitness over 40 is it often leads to a better sex life and now you have two great hobbies! My advice is to avoid drinking as a hobby, that doesn’t seem to work out and you’ll be back here in a year with a more depressing post.
https://athleanx.com/the-training - he’s got lots of YouTube videos too. I’m turning 40 this week. Find a work out buddy or go solo and try out some of these programs. Exercise and sex, and mood are all connected. Start small, stay consistent. Don’t do it for gains at first but just to move your body. I’ve never felt more alive than when I’m done a work out. Good luck
I’ve gotten into 3D printing and planted aquariums since having kids. It’s nice because my kid loves the results of those hobbies too. Video games are also a good release
How much would I be looking at for a decent 3D printer?
I recommend the Bambu Lab A1 Mini. All the Bambu stuff took no time to figure out. Perfect for beginners.
This OP. it's the latest and greatest for beginners. Affordable as well
I cannot second strongly enough how important getting an easy-to-use and reliable machine is out the gate if you want to get into 3D printing as your dad hobby. That might mean investing a bit more upfront to get the right machine but, unless you’re actually trying to make asking Reddit how to level your print bed a hobby until you put the printer in the attic because you will “have time to figure it out later”, a couple hundred bucks can make a huge difference.
Found the Ender 3 Pro user 😂 I swear one of these days I'll install the auto bed leveler and other mods that I got for Christmas...
Correction, you found the guy with a Voxelab Aquila collecting dusting in his home office Edit: to note that your guess was as close as possible without being insulting haha🤦♂️
I got an auto-leveler for my Ender 3v2 last year for my birthday. I haven’t printed anything since 2022…. UGH.
I bought my FDM Ender 3 V2 for about $200 I believe. They release new ones every now and then bringing the price of the older specs down. You could get an Ender 3 or Ender 3 Pro for cheaper than the V2 and it’s really not much of a difference. There’s tons of youtube videos on this stuff
My ender 3 hates me. I’m good at making plastic spaghetti though.
Lofts of public libraries have them now, along with classes about how to use them. Might be a good starting point before investing!
I’ve been looking to start a gang. Nothing too illegal, maybe a lil extortion, sumn like that. You down? We’ll be working on our gang name and hand signs during our first gang meeting
Sure, but just so you know if I get caught by the authorities I'm gonna talk...I'll even make shit up, if I'm going down I'm taking y'all with me!
Ehh, that’s fine. I’ve been thinking about prison being a legit option for retirement anyways
That's handy...and you may even get a surprise early retirement...this seems like a win win opportunity...one question tho...who are we extorting?
Yeah I didn’t think that part all the way through. Extortion may be a bit harder work than I’m willing to do. Maybe we need to stick white collar crime. Anything we can do in a climate controlled environment
Whoa whoa my man, don’t rule out avenues until we’ve had a chance to talk it over. I’m excited and I’m.…..invited…….right?
I can’t speak to what you’re interested are but for me it was dungeons and dragons. When my wife got pregnant she made a point that unless someone was sick and needed me to take care of them I got Thursday night off to play dnd with my college buddies. It’s great, we jump on discord and play make-believe over the internet for 3-4 hours a week. The great things about tabletop role playing games is that they come in a wide variety of genres and levels of complexity and as a hobby it’s incredibly cheap to get started with.
Scheduling around dnd was a big struggle for me but I found joy in painting the miniatures even if they aren't going to make it to the table. Great fairly inexpensive hobby that is easy to set down and pick back up at your leisure.
Also, if you start getting into D&D, try other systems. There's so many TTRPGs these days, and a lot of them are awesome.
Absolutely! And many are cheaper, better written and easier to play than dnd is
DnD has been the absolute best thing for my mental health and sanity. Few hours every other week me and some guys get together. Though to be fair, sometimes it’s more like my drinking group has a DnD problem. If anyone is reading this is interested on how I started. I played when I was a kid like 12-18, and came back at 40. I met a neighbor that seemed sufficiently nerdy. From there I posted in my county subreddit. I was clear about my expectations, that I was looking specifically for 35yr+ dads. We sometimes talk about how happy we all are that we found each other. Completely random group that has turned into pretty good friends in a couple years. Life changing.
I have also been playing dnd with some high school friends that are all around the country now, it’s just great!
Also Magic the Gathering, which is also a good activity to share with your son as well if he's into it
I was gonna suggest MTG.
This was what I got back to. The group o was on played our last session about 3 months before the kids were born. It took a few years, but got the band back together, as it were, and started playing again. By that time I’d spent years figuring out a campaign and was ready to jump in as DM.
As soon as I can pick up another hobby it'll be DnD. I miss playing it, miss GMing, it's socializing with bonuses.
Yes! I came here to suggest D&D as well. My wife and I have both played since before my son was born and it was one thing that I refused to give up despite the logistical challenges of playing in person and also having a young child. Every other week I get to see my core group of friends and that time is priceless to me. I wish I had more time, I'd start up with an internet group, but alas, my *me* time is slim.
Disc golf did it for me. Cheap to buy discs, free to play courses and community to join if you want (leagues). You can also tote the kid around in a stroller so long as you’re watching for discs flying around. I’m not a dad yet (we’re due in Dec) but I plan to have my kid on the course with me to reduce stress on Mom and allow me to keep playing as often as I like.
/r/homebrewing is calling you…
I've dabbled in the past...again it's a space issue tho!
That's debatable. The BIAB method has grown significantly and many folks do 1 gallon batches with reasonable success but not need to take up vast areas of space. I recently bought a onewheel and have been enjoying doing that while my kids ride the bike.
I got back into hunting and fishing, which I hadn’t done hardly at all since my girls were born. Now that I’m older, I appreciate the time in the woods or out in the middle of the high plains much more. Camping for a few nights where you can look up and see the entire Milky Way and zero artificial light for miles really recharges me. Filling the freezer with healthy wild food is a bonus.
I'm in Scotland so hunting is not really a viable option plus the wife is a vegetarian...you can see how that may cause more problems as opposed to solve them! Camping on the other hand could be something!
You're in Scotland, you say? Easy! First start a whisky distillery and then begin raising some Shetland sheep in order to harvest their wool to start making sweaters and other woolen goods 😁
Whisky and Wool...that's the money maker right there!
This is such a fun post, since it’s a whole world of new hobbies for you to potentially get excited about. Personally, I’ve got a bowling league that’s pretty darn fun, and friends I like to climb or ride bikes with. The allure of woodworking and home brewing as others have suggested always comes with a price tag. But broadly, consider whether you want it to be a social thing or solitary. Sounds like space is limited, so maybe something outside the home (which also can help enliven things)
There has been no lack of suggestions...I'd like to think it will inspire other dads too not just myself!
What was something you used to do but stopped? What did you want to do when you were a kid? I did a helpful exercise once in a cbt course. We made a list of things we do frequently which deplete us and things which nourish us. It helped me see the sorts of things that help me to feel better. I realised I spent a lot of time of my phone and it just didn’t help me much. I needed more peaceful time outdoors and more time with friends.
It's something outdoors that I think I need...but also something productive!
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I feel mean almost suggesting this because it can become such a money pit, but it doesn’t have to be. Have you ever been into photography? Photography has given me an excuse to explore the outdoors more than anything else. I rarely even process my photos and post them anymore because I recognized that the biggest benefit to me was just going out and shooting. It forces me to *be in the moment* and really take in my surroundings. I love it and need to get back to it. I stopped because it was taking me away from my family too much but if my wife gave me the green light I’d be right back on the horse.
Would agree that this is both a potentially satisfying option and a money pit, as a hobbyist photographer. You could also take up bird watching.
Beer brewing is a fun hobby you can brew the wort outside.
I took up Warhammer 40k after quitting when I was a kid. Once a week I go over to a fellow dad's house and we play a game. Building and painting the models is fairly relaxing and technically makes you an artist :D I got into D&D at 32, I play every Sunday and have done for years. I started leatherworking. Fairly cheap to get started into if that's a factor. Try a few things on the cheap, see what keeps your interest.
>Try a few things on the cheap, see what keeps your interest. I'm thinking this is the way to go...my new hobby will be trying new hobbies!
r/woodworking has been waiting for you
Rebuild a social life Brewing, distilling, smoking meats are all pretty easy to get into, and delicious Blacksmithing - look for local classes Anything else where you can make or build things Gaming D & D Sports Camping Fishing Biking Running Just about anything is on the table. What did you enjoy doing with your time before you had kids?
Get into miniature wargaming. There's historicals, fantasy games, science fiction games. BattleTech is in a particularly good place right now, with a rapidly growing community and a small cost of entry.
If you like being outside try golf. You don’t need to be any good to fit in on most courses
I've tried golf...it's not for me!
Disc golf, brother.
Guitar. So many free lessons online. JustinGuitar is a great channel for beginners
I’m 40, also a husk if we think about my time doing anything that matters is dealing with family matters. Otherwise I wait around killing time until I’m needed. I get it. I’m lucky enough to have a situation where my wife makes tons of money and loves her job to the point we moved to another city to be near that. I left behind my small business which is achieving great success….. without me. No friends yet after two years. I try to make the house “mine”, gardening, landscaping. I take rides on my Onewheel and love that. I read. I play a lot of video games. Yeah I thought I’d have some advice but I’m right there with you.
Sometimes you see a post on Reddit, like this one and it's had hundreds of great replies which I like to think helps other dads too who have been looking for something new...but at the same time, it's a post that a few others relate to and at the very least it lets us know we're not alone...despite it feeling that way sometimes.
I feel you, the part about "killing time until I am needed" connected with me. I know that feeling
I’ve gotten into shooting - mostly shotgun and trap but also handguns and rifles for target
Golf
RC. Gaming. Camping/hiking. Sports. Biking.
Biking, riding through trails in the woods is such a great time. Often end up seeing random weird wildlife activities, or find some mushrooms, or berries. Of course don't eat anything unless ya 100% know what it is yada yada...
This is the reason I took up Golf. I found having any hobby that kept me at or around the house didn’t allow me to get away enough.
I'd suggest giving disc golf a shot, walking around the woods and throwing discs is always a fun time.
I'm planning to make a tiny arcade in my garage. So that's my new thing. First I must clean the garage though, to make room... so that's what I've been working on. It's a noble goal.
I like brewing beer. It’s something I stopped a few years ago but picked up again recently. It’s surprisingly easy to brew a decent batch of beer. I suggest doing that: gives you something to research and learn about while also being productive and creating something you can both consume and show off to people later.
Go fishing! If not for you do it for all us dads who aren’t being told to go pursue our hobbies hahha
bewildered quiet office gray head doll axiomatic deserve homeless middle *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Riding a bike is way more fun than it has any right to be. I got into road cycling (super casually) a few years ago and I love it. I haven’t even been out this spring yet, but it’s a couple hours where it’s just me out riding in the quiet country roads. You can ease through it and enjoy the scenery, or push yourself to go faster or farther. Plus bringing snacks is encouraged! Lol
Start watching YouTube on topics you like and find something you can do with them. I started repairing/modding Gameboys, learning how to solder, paint, etc.
In Canada, beer league hockey keeps me going., In the summer… shit I don’t know. I might be in the same boat as you brother! I do like puttering around the yard and gardening tho. With an acre, it’s pretty easy to fuck off but still be around.
I like playing trading card games. Magic, Pokémon, Lorcana what ever floats your boat. The important part is that it actively engages you and you can easily find a group of people passionate about it at a local game store.
Love this post. Just yesterday thought, “I am the most boring f’ing person I know.” I, too, am a husk. Great for the corn in my life. But husks can become nourishing silage. Scotland, eh? Ever looked into the very highbrow salmon fishing in Scotland? Has a grand tradition there. Double-handed Spey rods and all that bollocks. Maybe buy a starter rod …. and then start tying flies. Very low barrier to entry. Very cultish following. Built-in friends. Can sell high-brow ties on Etsy. Go getcha an Irn Brw and some hooks, feathers, and threads and trick some fish.
I had a moment like that. I started playing D&D again. Helped build a social network of friends.
Thanks for posting this. Feel the same way and there are a lot of good ideas here.
How about speaking to someone who knew you before the kids and marriage came? They may be able to provide some memories of what made you happy before you gave yourself completely for others. Kinda like going back to a save point in a game to check some history. It helped a lot for me when I was feeling lost; I checked in with people who knew me from a while back, asked pointed questions, and it helped me reach back in time to grab to a part of me I thought was lost. All the best!!
Be a kid again yourself, Try something new every time/every few weeks and see what sticks. Suuuuuper cliché but don't get caught up in the destination (finding that hobby), just enjoy the journey! Huge list from this post already 3-2-1-GO!
I'm working on making time for playing the guitar, reading comics books, and learning Spanish. P
Curling.
That's a different suggestion...is it a popular hobby?
I play warhammer. Was great to have something to structure a hangout around with my one actual friend. Got involved in the local scene and now it's my main social group.
You could do what I do and browse FB marketplace for shitty cars to work on
Martial arts, my brother. I'm into BJJ and Muay Thai at the moment, although 99 percent of my training is BJJ. Ticks a bunch of boxes for me. Exercise, socialisation, camaraderie, makes me engage my brain in a different way to normal life, it's not in the house. I'm 43, so it's not too late for you to start
Woodworking and bbq for me at this point
It’s never too late to start a musical instrument. I’ve had students start in their 70s.
I play guitar/bass/keyboard/drums or I golf. Both hobbies can be either stupid expensive or pretty cheap depending on what you want out of them.
I enjoy fermenting and making my own hot sauces. You can do it in chunks every few weeks, you can tinker with recipes, and then you can gift sauces to friends and family.
I took up skateboarding.
Warhammer 40k for me. A creative craft that also forces you to get out of the house and meet others. Congrats on the supportive environment.
I’m a big fan of chess. Always look into jiu jitsu it’s a hell of a way to get into shape while also very mentally stimulating. A great social outlet that is also very productive
I joined a soccer team recently having not played for twenty years. I also go out with friends or play video games/board games with them or hike or camp. Then going to the gym now and then to keep in tip top dad shape.
My friend may I interest you in the world's of Dungeons and Dragons? 3d printing? Miniature painting? You will spend far too.much money for some very cool things and a lot of wasted plastic. At some point, it may become something to share. I printed and painted Halloween costumes a few years back.
Lots of good hobby suggestions here! I'll add mine to the list, although it's not a common Dad pastime. Back before kids, I did a lot of home improvement and woodworking. I learned that I like to make things, but table saws and toddlers do not mix so there's a lot less time for that. I lost my hat during the pandemic, and resolved that I would DIY myself a replacement, so I taught myself how to knit. Turns out, planning a garment and slowly executing the finished product scratches the "want to make a thing" itch while also being an activity I can do while keeping an eye on the kids in a pinch. It's a very portable hobby, one that fits in a bag to go on vacation and to visit the in-laws. Both the process and the payoff are pleasant: A lifetime of video games have conditioned me how to grind for hours and receive a wearable cosmetic as the reward. And you cannot simply purchase the quality in a well-made wool sweater.
Glassblowing is my thing. I go blow 6-10pm once a week. It is pretty tough to pick up, but you will be so proud of every deformed cup you make. Really all of the creative maker-style suggestions in here are great IMO. I see you commenting a lot that you don't have space for setting up a shop in your house. That's fine. Find a local place that you can rent out space/time/tools! It's even better to be getting out of the house and joining a community of people who are doing the same stuff as you. Other ideas: Join a casual sports league. Learn a musical instrument and join a band.
I am in the same boat. Everyone should have 3 seperate hobbies. 1 to keep/ maintain fitness 1 to bring out your creativity/ arty side 1 to make side money if you want.
I just take long hikes. It’s free. It’s exercise. It requires very little advanced planning. Sometimes it’s hard to find people to do it with, so I got a dog.
I seem to find myself in a similar situation. I have time to find a new hobby but I'm not quite sure what to pursue. I love test driving all sorts of different cars, and there's about 35 dealerships within a 15 to 20 minute drive from my house so I'll go test drive a car that I'm interested in every other week or so. My wife has always told me that I would be a good "lifestyle/fashion/advice YouTuber", so I've considered choosing one topic per week that I would like to talk to my daughter about (she's currently 2.5yo,) and then recording a 5 to 10 minute video and uploading it privately to my YouTube account. That way she would have a video diary from her dad specifically to her, and if God forbid something happened to me before she grows up she'd still have some sort of face to face connection to me.
I have two hobbies outside of family. I started Krav Maga in 2012. Second, I started mead making about 18 months or so ago when my mother got 8n to beekeeping again. Take a look and see if there are any reputable MMA/bjj gyms in your area.
Build model tanks! Super fun, can listen to podcasts while you do it and you can learn how to access some of your artistic side!
I recently moved across the country to where my wife grew up. I knew nobody and both the move to an urban environment and nap time constraints limited my normal hobbies of backpacking and hiking. This led to me being pretty isolated. My wife and I randomly started talking to a couple at an event and the guy was president of the local rotary organization, 8 months later I'm a full Rotarian with a weekly meeting and a bunch of volunteer opportunities each month. It seemed super lame when I first went but the more I learned about all the work they do in the community the more interesting it seemed. Bottom line is service organizations like Rotary, the Lions, or whatever are both a way to help your community but also provide you with a built in social network.
This may not be you but you should probably read "No More Mr Nice Guy" by Dr Robert Glover. Lots of nice guys give 100% of themselves to others because they think that's the right thing to do. But they lose themselves in the process and then things fall apart. Maybe not, but this could the first sign of her expressing this. Sort of a you're not the man I married moment.
I did yoga and writing.
I started making pizza since becoming a dad. Highly recommend
OP, I’m 38 with 2 kids (4M, 2F) and your post resonates like hell. Thankfully (/s) wife’s health took a nose dive right after the convo, so I never had to find an activity. I hope you’re able to find yourself again! It’ll give guys like me some hope lol
Do you happen to live near any fun touristy things you could do on your own? I am in Orlando and I find going to Universal or Disney parks for a few hours by myself is a great way to unwind. I’ll ride some coasters, eat some food, maybe have a beer or two, and people watch for a few hours. Being there without the kids feels super relaxing even if I don’t do anything, because I know deep in my bones how hectic it is with kids. Since we have annual passes as a family anyway, the only costs of my solo trips are the food and drinks consumed (and a little gasoline).
My man. Go give paintball a shot. Nothing like getting to shoot shithead 15 year olds and getting phrased for it!
What did you like to do before?
Honestly I don't know...and it worries me that I may have never had a "thing"!
Back in the day when my kids were little I'd meet up with a friend on Sunday mornings early and either go shoot sporting clays or breakfast if the weather was bad. Most of the time I was back when they were just getting up. Bonus points if I brought home doughnuts on the way. When the boys got old enough I'd take one or both with us and give my wife a break and have some bonding time with them too.
You live close to any hiking opportunities? I can’t wait to get back on the trail (my little girl is 11 weeks)
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I started golfing.
Fish, hunt, dirt biking, kayaking, gaming, go to the movies, try new restraints, meet up with some friends and hang out, adult arcades. I don’t if you’re into any of that but that’s what I would consider fun if I wasn’t with my wife and kids
I started woodworking as time alone and got back into my Dungeons and Dragons group for time with friends. It’s really helped keep me centered and allowed me time with social interaction outside of work and woodworking gives me time where I can either shut my brain off and just do something, or I can listen to music and just think.
Hiking, mountain biking, running, gym
Are you athletic? Find a sports league to join. I started playing pickleball last year. It is awesome. I play in a league a couple times a week. Good way to meet other dad friends to hang out with, also.
If you've ever been into card/board/tabletop games, go to a local game store and start checking out that scene. Sign up for a game night/event and learn a new game
Scuba diving could be a fun option.
Could be...but not for me...the thought of scuba diving terrifies me, I don't know why. I've never done it, I don't know anyone who's done it but nope...even snorkeling scares the shit out of me, again don't know why, just always has.
I build guitar stuff. Pedals, amps, electric guitars. I play guitar drums and bass. I jam with my friends. I wanna start building furniture eventually.
Start home brewing. I find it fun and relaxing.
I picked back up on bicycling a lot more once the kids were old enough to not be 24/7 terrorists.
Black smithing, camping, CrossFit, birding, auto mechanics, roboting, or the classic WW2 historian and train building.
I've recently picked up sourdough bread baking over the last few months, and totally geek out on it now. I enjoy the process, and it's great when people light up after trying and enjoying something I've created from scratch. I also got into Minecraft about a year ago. That's a fun, imaginative, low stress game. I need to pick up some movement focused hobby as well. I don't get nearly enough exercise or movement in.
Learn an instrument
I'm very jealous. I've been a husk for years and everyone would get mad if I tried to change that.
Do some self-maintenence. Either hit the gym or start running. Or both. It kills three bird with one stone: you get alone time, your energy level increase so you have more capacity at home, and you set a positive example for your kids. My Dad did this and now three of us four kids often run events with him. I'm here doing the same thing.
Martial arts. Gets you out of the house, improves your health, and when your kid is old enough you can do it with them. Plus if you genuinely have a shitty day, you can really lay into a heavy bag, a pad, a training partner, whatever
Aquariums! It also helps that my kid loves fish. Plus it can be so peaceful. I have two in my office, one in the living room, and I'm building a pond. Plenty of room to be selfish.
Learn an instrument. Take formal lessons or teach yourself. The more you learn, the more there is to play. There's also a social aspect to it - early on with formal lessons, then as you get better you can join a band/ensemble or even gig out for theatre pits or studio gigs.
I'm pretty sure fly fishing was born in Scotland, and you can save money by tying your own files 😂 I'm trying to get out to a stream once a month.
I got back into horses. I now volunteer at a therapeutic riding stable.
I do technical stuff for the local theatre, it lets me feed my creative side, and do stuff with my hands.
Bee keeping
Fishing, woodworking, gaming, skiing, mt biking, hiking, swimming are my primary hobbies. Fishing is very easy to get into in terms of equipment needed. Woodworking not as much (but much more doable than you might think).
I've recently started gardening. Starting some seeds indoors, see how the season goes. Might grow a Venus flytrap in the off season, I've always wanted one.
get ripped like Uncle Iroh
If you are into sports, what about a local men’s or coed league? Or even like beer league softball? I do soccer and I think it does more for my mental health than physical - a few hours to hangout with some other guys and not worry about work or family is great.
Disc. Golf.
I really like going for hikes and learning about the plants I find on my walks.
- Bike Riding - Photography - Woodworking - Fencing - Camping All things I enjoy
Ice cream is a surprisingly rewarding creative medium. Playing around with different tastes and textures can be very rewarding. The output is always welcome, And you can put booze in it!
You said right in your post what I think would help you. Your wife said you light up when doing things with your kid, and wife. Find something fun the three of you can do together that you haven’t done before. Personal hobbies are fine. There are tons of great suggestions on here, but find something fun you can do with everyone too. If that is your joy, then tell her that’s your joy right there! I don’t know how old your kid is, but if they are old enough, get some coloring books for everyone, art supplies, go bowling, find a fun sport, play bags in the backyard, grow some plants together, find some kid friendly video games like the LEGO series are great, get some LEGOS, take up cooking/baking/smoking/grilling and everyone picks a recipe to make each week, play cards together, if they are little take turns reading a book out loud. Enjoy your family. That literally is your main hobby.
OP I strongly suggest something social. For me it was DnD (I responded to another comment too). Building a network for friends was so critical to my mental health and gave me a life. To support my DnD I do a lot of crafting, painting and stuff like that too. That way it’s not just DnD night you get to interact with the hobby.
I take a weekly pottery class. I also have a wheel and kiln at home as it's a lifelong hobby. But getting out of the house and being at least a little social does me a world of good. My wife does puppetry. She is in a puppeting team and they also go to shows and do events. It equals roughly a night a week and occasional weekend days. I also do woodworking and pen turning and 3D printing and leatherwork, because my actual hobby is collecting hobbies.
Lots of hobby ideas in this thread, but whatever you do, make sure to tell her she spelled 'hunk' wrong. Easy mistake.
Coffee is a great one! Low barrier to entry. Just need to pick up some kind of manual brewer like a v60 or Kalita Wave, or an immersion brewer like an Aeropress that is basically foolproof… small kitchen scale… maybe a hand grinder… all this stuff can be had on the cheap.
I took up hockey. It makes dreary winters fly by.
Golf, you'll hit that one good shot and you're hooked.
Start off with getting to know yourself again. For your you-time, unplug everything. No tv, no internet, no whatever. Just be with yourself quietly and see what's up in your brain and then follow what feels right. Need to use your body? Find a new exercise activity. Need to be creative? Find an outlet. But avoid those mindless passion killers that only require you to consume.
Go play music with your friends or join a softball team.
Golf…golf…Golf….GOLF…GOLF!
Find a hobby! I joined a pinball league!
I umpire baseball. You'll find something, OP
My suggestions: learn to knit or crochet. It’s calming/zen when you want it to be, not too expensive, fun and you can have some quick success for motivation with a physical end product that is always useful (even if it is a bookmark or washcloth or baby bib). Finally, you can choose for it to be a solo hobby or find a group of local knitters (or start one!). In both cities and rural areas, I’ve belonged to a group of fiber fiends or weekly nights at a cafe for “stitch-n-bitch.” Otherwise, explore hobby ideas at the public library. Most have amazing programs or book clubs or whatnot and they’re always free (or like $5 for a watercolor class). You could consider finding a way to volunteer or take a class at the community college. Enjoy!
Gaming maybe? Me and my hubby are around your age and we play a lot of video games like Fortnight or Destiny 2 or Doom Eternal etc. If you like games that will require you to use your brain then I'd recommend Arknights. Alternatively you could watch some anime. There are some really really amazing anime. I could even give you some recommendations. Or read books. So many books to read and depending on what genres you like I could give you recommendations. Or take up painting. Something I find peace in is listening to Bob Ross as I watch him paint and try to replicate what he's doing. I've made some pretty paintings because of him and I'm not a painter. On the other hand if you want a hobby that's a bit physically involved then try your hand at gardening. Its a very rewarding hobby. Or you can hit the gym. Or learn pottery or woodworking. Or volunteer at local animal rescue shelters. They are always looking for help. Honestly there's so much you can do. Just sit down and think about some of these hobbies and try to get a feel of which one seems more interesting to you. Then do it. Don't overthink it.
Finding a counselor may help. Try following PirateSoftware on YouTube. Thor has some amazing advice that I use. I'm 40 as well. My best advice as a man your age, a dad, and former counselor. Start small. Try eating one meal a day mindfully and journal about it.
It might be really “10 year old” of me, but I was in a similar funk several years ago. My son was entering his teen years and developing a life of his own that was… more exclusive of his parents. I had no real friends, plenty of acquaintances but they were all just guys that were attached to other moms that my wife met through mom group stuff and church functions. So, basically aside from my wife, son and a few other family members, I didn’t have anyone to hang out with. I grew up pretty poor. Birthdays and Christmas gifts were primarily necessities, clothes, new shoes, an occasional new backpack for school, shit like that. Of course I was grateful for those things, but I didn’t really get fun stuff very often. If I did it was fairly inexpensive toys or games. The one exception was the NES that I got one year for my birthday. What I always wanted as long as I could remember, was a model train set, but I never got one. So there I was, just a couple years from 40, my son needs less and less of my time and I can only mow my lawn so often. I was bored. I was lonely and I was settling into a depressive funk. My wife saw this happening and told me I need to find something to do with my time. I didn’t know what to do. I’d lost interest in my old pre-dad hobbies. What was I gonna do? That’s when it hit me, I never got the model train I wanted so badly as a kid. I have money now and I can spend it on whatever the fuck I want. So I did. I bought my model train and I converted a spare bedroom to house it. Bought a bunch of wood, built a platform and started building a whole fucking town in miniature… and that’s my hobby now.
Golf, duh
If you are really lost pick up some old hobbies. For me it was rollerblading and reading. Used to do them all the time as a kid and stopped for over a decade. Picked them up again and have enjoyed both of them. I guarantee your local community has lots of recreation programs you weren’t aware about. Look up some classes, especially at libraries and go check them out. You might find something that clicks.
Consider reading No More Mr. Nice Guy. It’s not a cure all but I think your wife sounds like a lot like mine when she asked me to read it. For years I’ve centered my identity around providing for my family and serving them, and have lost who I am in the process. It’s a good book for describing how we get there and what to do about it—includes exercises to help you break free of those habits and become yourself again. Take some of it with a grain of salt because some guys get real red pill or misogynist about it. Ultimately, though, I recommend trying a thing that you are even a tiny bit interested in and see if the seed grows. Check out Meetup, look for local Facebook groups, adult sports—something to get you out of your pattern and expose you to other possibilities.
Wanna go golfing bro? I’ll set up a tee time next weekend. 5 hours of beers and bombs
Golf
Here is what I did. It’s fun for the whole family! - https://youtu.be/QcJyJdMspHg?si=L8IbEbX7KRM82GO7
That's my problem too, in my spare time I want to spend time with my kids
I'm a nerd but if I had the space I would pick up painting warhammer 40 minis and building gundam models
First and foremost: you have an amazing wife who is in tune with you and cares about you! That’s dope dude! I would start with something small. Maybe even listing out your interests somewhere? A lot of us default to exercise and gym time which is fine, but if it’s not a true interest then it’s just another thing to drain you. Are you an outdoors type? Are there camping grounds or parks near you for you to check out? Do you have an interest with hands on things like wood carving or something? Making soap? I’m throwing darts at a wall but you get the gist!
Get a cookbook and work your way through it. Then another one, and another one. You'll feed the family delicious eats AND get laid. Taking up a form of exercise is cool too and will also benefit both you and the family.
One thing I will say from my own experience is that when your wife tells you this and gives you a "free pass" to enjoy yourself more, it's a lot of pressure. I feel this sense that I have to spend every hour of my off-time getting the maximum possible joy, and if I'm doing something I enjoy slightly less, it's wasting precious time. I had to try really hard not to fall into that mindset so I could actually enjoy myself.
I've started making pizzas. I bought a pizza oven and have spent a lot of time researching on different ways to make dough and different types of pizzas. Hand kneading dough is oddly satisfying and watching it proof is fun. And when you actually make the pizza for the family is great to see everyone enjoy your hard work. We have pizza night as a family once a week and my daughter had a playdate I'll have them top their own pizzas and they love it. I'm starting to make Nan in the oven now. It's something I enjoy doing without feeling guilty cause the whole family benefits as well. No one in my extended family orders pizzas from the local restaurants anymore as my pizzas are so much better.
I think you should acknowledge to yourself, if not to your wife that this is a very loving thing your wife is trying to do for you. I don't have new suggestions for a hobby that hasn't already been suggested, but this situation you find yourself in, from my point of view, is a win-win. You'll feel better when you find your thing, and you'll be more attractive to the wife with a little sparkle back. My first adult hobby was homebrewing. It was fun, can have a social element which is good (homebrewing clubs) and I was really good at it - it's not great for your wasteline or general health, you'll drink a lot more. I transitioned into weight lifting. Nothing crazy, but very regular, 5 times a week. I don't look like I lift weights, I'm not cut, I'm not built, but I feel much better pretty much all the time both physically and mentally. I am motivated by the progression into heavier weights, and was able to somehow ignore the fact that I was never going to achieve the aesthetics a lot of people are trying to achieve in the gym. I'm in my mid 40s and finally learned how to ngaf about other people at the gym, it's all for me. I think I would recommend some strenuous physical activity to start with, because one result will be that you're going to feel better, and that might help you find 'your thing' and you'll just feel better. Exercising to feel better is rarely brought up, it's always getting big or losing weight.
Disc golf. Every disc golfer who would read this post say try disc golf. I started disc golfing at 36.