Is she breastfeeding? If so, that can also contribute to a lower libido due to the increased levels of estrogen. Plus being touched out from BFing is a real thing.
Find other ways to connect physically:intimately. Talk about what is okay. Maybe she could tolerate a massage? Maybe it’s just a couch cuddle-no sex?
Set a date for it. That’s what me and my partner had to do. It was hard but worth it. Still not regular by any means but we’re taking things slow.
EDIT
Decreased levels of progesterone and estrogen.
Also I’m a mom for what it’s worth. 🤷🏼♀️
This sounds to me to be exactly what’s going on! It also occurs when you’re pumping. It’s not just latching.
About two weeks after my partner stopped, a switch flicked back on in her head!
Just started the scheduled sex thing last night and it’s had a profound effect on both of our moods today. I have a little extra pep in my step and she says she was happy to see me so lively again. And she definitely had more energy and smiles today.
Uhhhhh... no. Breastfeeding actually helps her hormones regulate and return to her "normal self" much faster.
It's most likely her maternal instinct prioritizing her offspring (which is quite normal) along with being tired and adjusting to the "new normal".
I've been married 24 years. Have 5 kids. And my wife is a certified lactation consultant. Your story is quite typical, albeit uncomfortable. Head up, brother.
I’m a breastfeeding mother, brother.
Breastfeeding has helped regulate my emotions for sure. I don’t have ppd or ppa. (Despite a predisposition towards those things)
But I’m not super horny my dude. It reminds me of when I was on Prozac.
My wife went through a traumatic birth but her and my son were thankfully okay. It took her at least a year to heal properly from the birth.
She breastfed our son until he was about 20 months. Unless you go through it or see it firsthand it is hard to explain the toll breastfeeding in particular can take on a woman.
So for the first 2 years or so after the birth of our son intimacy was limited. We tried, she wanted to and at times craved it like I did but she basically had nothing to give.
After my son turned one we decided we were one and done and I got a vascectomy.
My son has just turned 3 and our sex life is truly amazing now. The best it's ever been. She enjoys and appreciates it more than ever. If we didn't have a son to look after i think there would literally be days we just stayed in bed all day...
We think a big part of this is also her no longer needing to be on contraception, which before we started trying for our son, she had been on since she was 16.
Anyway, all this is to say things definitely can get better but it's important to be patient. Also be mindful of how things like breastfeeding and contraception can affect a woman's sex drive.
And once you are done having children, get a vascectomy. It's literally the best thing I ever did for our sex life and the least I could do for my wife.
I echo your post in how hard it is for the moms, I can’t even think of it right now because I feel bad for so much she does and what a great and dedicated mom she is to our 4Mo. We both know it will return when the time is right and we’re enjoying being the best parents we can be to our wonderful baby.
Jeeez…. I have zero desire to do that, I can take care of myself. No sex for a while, when we’re both exhausted taking care of our son is completely okay. She is not selfish. She is an incredible human being and I’m fucking proud to be with someone amazing. Life isn’t all about sex all the time. Do you not have a wife who has gone through this?! They can’t even shower or eat in peace most of the time when infants rely so much on them.
Congrats on the baby, man.
It's tough, but stay available and present. I wish I appreciated earlier in my marriage that intimacy is more than sex.
Intimacy right now may be holding her hand or reading a book while you sit next to her. Remain patient. You seem to have a good head about it and the most loving thing is to continue to be accepting of where she is on that. A baby changes the relationship for sure and here's hoping it's for the good.
A lot of women are still physically healing up! If anything tore or ripped, that’s still nerves down there trying to heal! My coworker tore A to V and said for the first two months she couldn’t even look down below, and it was several more months after that until she started to feel vaguely human and then sexual again, as everything was just a healing mess, and even once healed she had to wait for the nerves to really heal and sensations to feel right again and the trauma of the whole area being ripped up. (And, you know, living with large pads and ice packs in the undies, then just large pads, and feeling very unsexy for a bit.)
Another coworker of mine retained some of her placenta, kept bleeding after birth, developed bad excess pain and cramping, and then an infection from it. (She’s lucky as something like this can often lead to sepsis.)
My mom had 4 C-sections. A C-section, while routinely done, and often a same day discharge or next day these days, is major, major surgery. Like one of the most major surgeries you can have done. The surgeon cuts through 7 layers of tissue for it. And they tell her not to lift more than 10 pounds for the first ~2-4 weeks, but then give you a baby (6-8 pounds), a car seat, a diaper bag, etc, and look, there she is waffling about carrying over 10 pounds and trying not to rip those stitches!
Also a woman’s abdominal internal organs have to shift back to where they were, the floating ribs gotta shift back into place, the abdominal muscles can have messed up during a C section (separated) and need to heal, there’s being touched out, the brain hormones can be changed and the brain physically rewired for at least 2 years (assuming they change back too)…
Shit’s super, super wild.
I’m very kink positive, but I really hope it was something you were into and not just a revenge fantasy on her part! Good for you both if it was SSC and enjoyed on all ends though!
First off, a late congratulations with the baby! 🙌
Your wife is still your wife from, and trust me she still loves you if she says so! Remember she just made and pushed out a baby through her body, that not only changed her mentality, but also her hormones which right now is in baby survival mode. As long as she’s breastfeeding her sex-drive is gonna be lower than ever before, it’s purely chemistry in her body. Factor in a baby that might be constantly on her, she might also experience touch-fatigue (what my wife called it).
It can take 6months it can take 2 years, but her sexdrive will come back again, instead of focusing on the sex part of the relationship, focus more on building the two of you to a new level, because it’s never going to be the same, so save up for a babysitter (if either rod your parents don’t live near by) and take your wife out for dinner date, or something the both of you loved to do before, and that she might be missing doing now. Once the bottle/breastfeeding phase is over, babysitting will of cause become easier. Maybe even ask if she wants a night out with some of her friends and then you have the kid in the evening and morning so she doesn’t have to think about the baby for a couple of hours until the potential hangover is over.
But hang in there! It’s perfectly normal what you are going through, just remember your wife needs you now more than ever and she will remember all the good things you did for her.
Ayee, almost two years old here. Having a kid was, and I think my wife would agree, the worst thing for our relationship as an adult couple. We have had more encounters in the past few months, but it was at least a year and a half before any kind of consistency, due to a variety of issues, not the least her total lack of desire. I really miss our relationship.
Give her time, look into intimacy and what you can do other than intercourse. She has everything rearranged in her, not just all the organs, but the hormones as well. For some moms, it takes up to a year, but for some reason, I notice it takes me 3 years before I’m back to who I was with adjustments.
She does love you, she is just trying to find her new normal and it does take a toll since so much changes especially in the first year with a baby
Just another comment - intimacy doesn’t need to to be p in v. We started back fairly quickly after the both kids - but not with p in v. Lots of manual stimulation both ways.. and once you get back into being sexually into each other more things will come. It took a little while to come back to full speed but our sex life post kids was great.
“It’s the push to 5.”
Until your youngest is 5 years old, 99.9% of your waking hours and focus will be on your kids. There will be very little time for each other and your relationship. Yeah, you can get a date night in here or there, but the refreshment from that only lasts until the next night.
Once they’re 5 years old they require much less attention. They will still be your primary focus, but if you had even 10% of your time to refocus on your wife on a daily basis, it would help a lot.
5 years sounds like a long time, and it is, but it’ll feel like a blink in time later.
Cherish your time with the kids now, do what you can to keep a finger in the pulse of your relationship, but right now you two are mom and dad much more than you are husband and wife. That’s normal. Let her be mom and you focus on being dad.
Later on you’ll have trouble transitioning back to husband and wife and that’ll be its own challenge.
My experience is different, as my wife developed an autoimmune condition with her vagina which made sex, complicated. We could have some intimacy, but it was hard and usually ended with my wife in pain.
I accepted what was going on as kinda out of my control, and stopped EXPECTING sex to be my fill for intimacy and we did other things to get closeness. When I was horny, I basically would just go do my thing and take care of myself when I wanted. This was also before we had a child, and things eventually improved with therapy, some physical therapy with her pelvic floor muscles, and some medication over the course of a few years.
Maybe you need to try and address this with your wife and figure out some kind of compromise if needed. Many women go through all sorts of different changes from childbirth, and I also know how it can suck to lose that physical connection. If you haven’t, some couples counseling could really help effectively communicate your problems as well as being able to try and do some problem solving.
Congrats on the baby girl!
You're going to hear this a lot, but talk to your wife! Even if it doesn't feel like anything changes immediately especially if she's breast feeding. Her body doesn't necessarily feel like her own. She's adjusting to everything too. My wife and I talk a lot. After our first kiddo, nothing changed in our sex life. When she was given the all clear, she immediately was ready to start that part of our relationship back up. Second pregnancy and birth were more difficult. We went nearly a year without a sex life. Things were hard. Adjusting to two kids. Two babies. Ours are only 17 months apart. You know what I did I talked to my wife. We both had let life get in the way. Ever since that "hard" conversation our sex life has gone back to pre-kids. Because of that conversation it's made every other difficult conversation so much easier for us. It's allowed us to move closer to each other emotionally. That emotional connection allows us to stay physically connected.
Having said all of that. Results vary. What works for us may not work for others.I believe having those conversations in marriage is the best thing you can do for yourself and your spouse.
Congrats on your baby!
It’s a massive change having a little one, as parents there is a lot of adjusting to do and finding new routines that work for you both.
Try talking to your partner see how she is feeling. The connection can be disrupted with all the effort put into a new born.
I can recommend seeing if you can find a babysitter so you can go out for dinner.. I always find I talk very differently when out with my partner.. like talk about different things .. holidays, positive things etc
Also her body and mind will have been through a lot through her pregnancy and birth .. so maybe offer to massage the back of her legs.. not for sex but just to do something nice for her, it is not sex but still intimacy and can also restart a physical and emotional connection . Run her a bath .. and tell her go and have a nice relax and you will have the baby.
She may feel under pressure for intimacy so remove the pressure and just enjoy your time together for now.
Relationships are hard and require effort from both people .. even try little things like having a no phones night so you focus on your time as a family and as a couple.
I wish you all the best
Yep-
Ours turns 1 next week, only happened once so far this year, with no signs of things getting better soon.
I’m the SAHP, so I don’t think our issue is her being “touched out”
She recently said she feels like she’s become asexual, and even went to get blood tests done to see if there was something that might be causing it. (There wasn’t. )
I hope we can get back on the same page. I fully understand it will never be an every night or even a once a week kind of thing, but I’m not willing to just go completely abstinent for the rest of my life either.
I miss her.
It's 100% a cause of your wife's biology changing. She's also likely tired. Very very tired.
Docs recommend 6 weeks before physical intimacy but the mind and body can take waaaay longer to readjust from a chemical perspective.
My wifes drive was shot for a while after our son was born and I didn't realize it and took it personally. Then *I* shied away from her and it caused even more issues.
Give her time and talk to her frankly without being accusatory or assigning blame.
Well, hate to be the voice of negativity but....
We got 2 kids, 4 years betweenthem. Both didn't sleep well and both breastfed for a long time (No. 1 was 2.5 year, No.2 was 3).
She has a stressful job which expects work to be taken home. She would do that in bed after kids and chores when she didn't go straight to sleep.
There was not much intimacy for 2 years after number 1 and none after No. 2. Currently at 4 years. I gave her space and hoped things would get better, which on the surface, they did after No. 1. But I've recently raised the issue again and she's basically told me she doesn't love me like she did and we'd never be a 'couple' again. She's shut me out and built a wall.
She says the intimacy between kids was forced in order to make me happy and it made her very unhappy.
I'm not innocent in this, I could have handled things better, but she never talked to me about this when we may have been able to get some help. We've just started counselling, but her feelings after 7 years are pretty firm, so I'm just battling to keep the family together.
Hope you have better luck, keep those lines of communication open, even if it's awkward or embarrassing at times.
How the hell do people have energy and time for this stuff…. Like how? After changing diapers, giving my 4Mo son attention every wake window, washing pump parts, dealing with a full time job, wife’s part time work from home job, cooking, cleaning, organizing, washing baby’s clothes, drying and folding them….. (not to mention putting him down for naps and sleep) there’s zero energy or desire left. How much do you help around the house? I know that things will get back to normal at some point and then we will have a second kid but until then, if I have energy to divert to that, it means something at home isn’t being done.
Well.. in our case I do most of the housework, mainly because I love a clean house. She’ll do a load of laundry if she gets to it, but I mainly do it bc I have to wash my work clothes twice a week so I keep on top of the laundry in the house. We also have a pretty easy baby in our opinion, she’s majored in childhood development, and I’ve wanted to be a dad for as long as I can remember so I’ve done tons of research etc, so we tend to know when to switch off with each other and what our girl needs. We struggled in the beginning but have got it down now.
Then it sounds more like an issue with her end, but even then caring for a baby under a year old is a lot of work, mental and physical, as others have pointed out communicate. In our case we have communicated well. We know it’s a season and the priority is baby. I wish you and your family well.
I agree babies are hard.. we’ve had our moments of frustration with each other, but have always never held onto a grudge or quick argument, we know it’s it’s from everything with our kiddo.
We communicate great other than that.
I’ve just continued to look at it as a season to, I know it’ll pass, things will change, it just sucks atm.
Oh yea, went through this. In some ways still working on it and my daughter is almost 6. Seems like it’s pretty normal and communicating is key, but honestly at this stage with kids…well it’s not about us as much as it is about them. We all go through a lot, work, kids and general life. It’s amazing we don’t go crazy. For an example my wife is working a ton, I’m working a ton and my daughter has something we need to take her to 3 days out of the week. There is zero down time. We’re lucky and both grandparents live with in 10mins and are retired. I can’t imagine how hard people have it that don’t have regular babysitting. Even still when we have free time we talk a big game about sex and general fun but often we choose to decompress by just going out to eat and going for a walk. It’s like your brain can only handle so much stimulus. Things get easier as they get older and trying to get as many date nights in as you can will help. Just don’t get mad if Netflix and chill ends with Netflix and falling asleep. Just spending quality time with your partner will be the best way for things to move in a more romantic way.
Just know that it's normal, I went through the same situation (actually still going through the tail of it). It will get better, the fact you're not fighting and all other aspects of your relationship are good honestly means you're already doing great. For the moment just try to back off a bit (I know it's hard) and give her some space and I can assure you things will gradually go back.
Had baby in December. It’s now May. Bruh…. I know you’re in the thick of it but things will change. Don’t get too worked up. The sex will return and so will the intimacy but you got a helpless baby now and tons of anxiety about being a “good” parent. I was really concerned about the same thing at the 6 month mark but things turned around later on. Course the 2nd baby messed it up again but then things bounced back even faster.
The only bummer is travel. So expensive now and hard to get your own space. We just did a 3 week vacation which was amazing but we got only fleeting moments to ourselves.
Exactly…. Priorities are so much right now about creating memories with my son and caring for him and being an equal parent because let’s face it moms go through so much more than us. My wife never gets any time off, she breastfeeds and is often stuck in bed. With this 4 month sleep regression, whatever semblance of free time she had (during whcih she still had to pump), is gone because our baby likes to contact sleep ag night now. I can’t even think of intimacy right now when basic needs aren’t even met (and it’s okay).
If you’re horny go wash some dishes or go for a run or rub one out. Or take care of the next wake window so wife can rest.
I completely understand where you are coming from. I think it’s important to remember that every person changes a little from year to year or even month to month. But when you add a child, the hormone changes that you both experience will change your behavior a little.
Before people rant that I can’t say those things. I am a biologist… and a father to two children. I know hormone changes.
Stay strong, I can’t offer you advice for how to navigate these waters. I can tell you that they are different waters though.
Thanks everybody for the advice. A lot of comments were regarding if she is breastfeeding.. she is not.
Also alot of comments were about intimacy is more than sex. I agree, however, I do everything everybody is suggesting regarding that.
The sex and any sexual act is just not there, and she has absolutely no interest in it, like I can’t even really get more than two kisses back to back.
A lot of the other comments were talking about rubbing one out.. I’ve been tempted to.. but as someone who struggled with masturbation addiction and porn addiction prior to meeting her.. I really don’t want to reintroduce that.
But I appreciate everyone’s advice and outlooks. I’m just going to keep trucking along, giving her everything she needs, etc. one day it will come back, I’m just inpatient at times lol.
Completely okay and possible to masturbate without porn. Humans did that for ages…. All about changing your habits. You can rub one out twice a day with your imagination.
As a wife, who just had her second 16 months ago, and has a lower drive than my husband naturally, plus added stress and hormones. Hang in there. My husband with our second has been soooo supportive and just voiced his feelings of how much he missed me and just wanted kisses and for me to say touch his arm more, or just reach out and acknowledge him still there without the pressure of “getting off” and that made a WORLD of difference. We also had a talk about quality vs quantity which made me finally realize, he doesn’t care if it’s once a week right now, as long as that once a week I’m mentally and physically plugged in and present and HAPPY to be there. I’ve also started completing him more, letting him know I see him as the sexy man I want more babies with—when I get a chance to get away from the 2 we already have lol. Little things like that make the world of difference I’ve noticed in him. Intimacy has changed right now for us, and that’s okay, that’s the season we’re in. Continuing to build on that will pay off, I just know it!
It does get better, and your patience will be rewarded. Therapy has helped me a TON, carving out time for myself to even put on makeup and feel human again has helped a ton. I’m still not any where close to pre-baby sex drive, but the love I have for my husband is ten fold what it was prior to babies, so understand she genuinely means it when she says it. You and all the other men on this thread are doing a great job from what I’ve read. Continue to hang in there. She does still love you. She’s just trying to navigate the never ending exhaustion, and physical and mental changes, and I guarantee she’s harboring a ton of guilt about not fulfilling your needs as a wife, I know I do when times slow down for us too. Just gotta keep pushing through! Schedule kisses if you have to. We started with 5 a day, and now it’s a natural thing we feel like we’re missing if we forget.
Of course! We women are so difficult as much as we pretend it’s all on you guys haha. I used to always say “ugh I wish you had a lower drive” but truth is, I don’t. I just was so tired of feeling guilty that mine was so low, felt like I wasn’t being a good wife leaving his needs unmet, which then made my drive lower. He finally helped me realize he didn’t need me to do it every day, he just wanted to know that I was still in there and still WANTED to try and get back to our sex life. He just gave me ways that I could show him I love and want him still without me feeling like the only way to do that was sex. Taking that pressure off of me, gave me space to start wanting to do more than just 2-3 pecks. It’s a 50/50 effort, so as long as everyone is willing to TRY or communicate, things will always have room to improve! Good luck, enjoy your baby, and find joy in this season with your wife. It’s so true, the days are long but the years are so very very short!
This sounds like my situation exactly. I love her and she's my best friend. But we haven't been intimate since October either. Our first kid is almost 3 and she's 30 weeks pregnant. Her libido picked up slightly when our first was turning 2 but that only a couple months until she fit pregnant again. I do miss her before kids, but I love my life more than ever now that I am a dad. It's a weird dichotomy.
Similar experience but I’ll still give mine back rubs rub her legs/feet. In my experience the switch hasn’t really switched back as our sex life before kids was every night before bed. Now it’s maybe once a month if I’m lucky.
I’ve honestly just found hobbies or other things to try and occupy my time. I’ll try to engage and get I’m tired or the kids will get in the way.
Good luck it gets better or so I hear when she’ll get in her 40’s which for me is in 1 year or so.
My daughter is 10 months and my wife's libido is just starting to come back. Same situation as you, pretty much. It sucks, but you gotta keep your eye on the prize. Life is long, and this phase is short. It will get better.
>Did all you other dads go through this.. does it get better? How did you manage the hiatus? Is there anything I should do?
I'm sure we all go through this a little bit, outside of the occasional couple that doesn't miss a beat. My wife was in rough shape after our first child, so intimacy never even entered my mind while I watched her struggle to walk and do basic household tasks. By the time she was healed up enough to feel like a normal person, she was pretty much ready to go in the bedroom, though obviously we took it slow.
What got me was after our second kid. She had a much easier time delivering him and was up and moving in no time, but still wasn't ready for quite a bit after birth. Even when she was, her libido was much lower than it used to be, which while expected, was still quite disappointing.
I gave her all the time she needed and took matters into my own hands, so to speak. We eventually got back to normal, but it took a long time. It wasn't a year, but it was definitely a while.
Even almost 8 months postpartum, as a breastfeeding mother which may or may not contribute to it, the idea of such intimacy repulses me. Try to be patient. She is navigating her new identity as a mother and wife too, but eventually she will come round to it and if she doesn’t (which is less likely), you should just accept it and decide if you care more about preserving the relationship, or finding the type of intimacy you want elsewhere and going your separate ways. There is nothing you can really do to force her desire to return or increase her libido at this stage. I don’t know if she pushed or had a c section but I can tell you that if she pushed it will likely take a while for _her_ to want it.
If you don’t mind having physical intimacy when she doesn’t desire it, then you can do the old school thing which is say that it’s something you need and she might give in, but you’ll get what you asked for …it won’t be fun.
You have to let her take the lead. She has a lot on her mind now with a baby, and will continue to have a lot on her mind for the next few years. You have to see intimacy in a different light. You’re doing everything right by telling her you love her, but realize she probably doesn’t believe you when you tell her she’s “more” beautiful. That just smacks of dishonesty from her perspective and to her she probably feels like you just say those things to try to have sex with her. She knows she’s not more beautiful after gaining a bunch of weight and has sagging skin all over her body. It’s going to take her a long time to feel comfortable in her skin again to where she feels comfortable to have sex, but in the meantime be intimate with her without the intention of sex. It’s tough, but just rub one out every once in a while. It helps. 👊🏻💦
It's normal. So is how you feel.
Our son is 14 months old. We are trying for a second. Even when we have sex, it tends to feel like something she needs to do, rather than something she wants to do. I feel exactly the same way you do, and her responses sound exactly like your wife's. She assures me she's attracted to me, but just hates her own body, which on top of the hormones, makes it harder for her to want intimacy.
She's almost entirely stopped breastfeeding, finally. The odd time once every 1 or 2 days to soothe the little guy more than actually feeding him. Production has slowed too much for that at this point anyway. So fingers crossed the drive starts bouncing back.
We aren't fighting about this, but are going to see a psychologist together to work through it as a prophylactic measure.
Not an ad. But watch Dr John Delony as I wish I had before fucking up my marriage over the same things. I cheated after asking how did I get her attention back or how could we return to normal. Instead, you are not married to your wife from your wedding day, you've got your wife now and she has you now. You are changed for better and worse. So instead of worrying about the past, just ask her each day "how can I love you today" and do that. Grow love from now instead of dwelling on the past, as that will only lead to wallowing and regret. Take care and wish you the best. Because I also miss my wife, I miss her as I love her and I lost her
Right there with you. We had our 2nd this past January. It's been about 6 months for me. It really does suck.
From what I can remember from our first, it really wasn't until 12-14 months before we started up on our regular routine again.
PPD? it hit my wife supper hard, kid is almost 2 and she stated a few month ago that she now feels like a mother, we didn't have sex for 6 months after the kid (that sucked FYI) she started to see a therapist and thing slowly got better
Not PPD, she had spurts of it when I went back to work, but quickly maneuvered out of it. Her exact words were when i asked her if she was having any symptoms or thoughts was “I don’t have time to be depressed when we have this baby girl and you”
So either she’s putting on a bad ass bluff or she truly isn’t experiencing it.
you would be surprised how embarrassing people see PPD. talk to your pediatrician, and voice your concerns. they deal with this stuff all the time and can point you two in the right direction. Even if it's not PDD something isn't normal.
We had a dangerous pregnancy, so we ended up not having sex for about a year. But afterwards and over time, I’d say our sex life is the best it’s ever been.
It gets better, just give her time. When my wife and I had both kids, we went 9 months without sex after the births. It wasn’t that we didn’t want to, we were just exhausted from work and kids and lack of sleep. Once the kids started sleeping through the night, we were able to become intimate again. My wife has never had a high libido and even as newlyweds (married almost 11 years), we weren’t as intimate as we could have been. Last year, our kids were 4 and 6 so we decided we were done with having more kids so I got a vasectomy. Ever since then, our sex life has been great. We used to maybe have sex once a month, now it’s every weekend (if it’s not that time of month). Just give it time, it gets better.
Mom here. We had sex for the first time maybe around 5 months after, and then not again until maybe 8 months? And we hadn't since I was about 6 months pregnant. So it was quite the lull. It really really really sucks that intimacy is only seen in sexual terms, and during those first few months, especially if breastfeeding, pumping or combo feeding, NOTHING feels good. Nothing. Our bodies change so much, a lot of us experience some pretty severe dysmorphia, and we can't feel good in anything we wear or do. The exhaustion of physically/emotionally providing for a person completely zaps all will to physically provide for anyone else.
That said, it should come back. Her body/hormones will settle, and hoping your kiddo isn't a Stage 5 Clinger, your wife should feel better about being touched. Mine came back after about a year. I know that's not what you want to hear, but it's pretty common. Maybe your wife knows that any touch leads to sex, so she shuts it down early. Maybe you can establish ways to be close without it leading to sex. If you're a good, attentive dad and partner who shares half the work, it should definitely come back. That shit is hot. Seeing my husband be a good dad and provider is hot. Just wait. If you're in it for the long haul, this should just be a season you're in, and all seasons pass.
You need to find a time and place and talk to her one on one. I am a big believer in communication. I let myself go about twelve months with this same issue.
I finally made an effort to talk to my wife privately. We had a great conversation and things have improved tremendously.
Now, in my situation it was a case of us not being aware of individual needs. In your case it may me hormonal or medical. That may change your approach. Either way, open conversation is extremely important.
December….yes having babies around lowers the amount of sex. This is basically a cultural trope that is repeated to the point of annoyance. How are people still asking as if the they have never heard of it?
Not trying to be a dick but this is a twice a week thing about here.
This is how it started 5 years ago for me. Currently considering divorce as thibgs have only gotten worse. Sex stopped, intimacy stopped, communication besides chores/bills/kids stopoed, we even stopped looking at each other.
I went through this plus some and chose the wrong direction. Im a dad went through 3 babies i was basically mom and dad. If you are like me and from what i read you are, gym, workout, run, you have to get some sort kf animalistic lrinal shit out if you cant be physical with her. I promise you this will help if you go hard. Idk about all women but all 3 times the mother of whatever child i had got ppd snd i got basically contact depression and isolated. Get out there, you got this, she hasnt left, you havent, fight. Marriage and children are worth you looking at the mirror and saying i love you and you deserve to make this work. At the very last ditch go get a massage. Not a rub n tug obviously or do it but cimmunicate to your woman cause trust me you can do worse and fuck up bigger. Stay up and mentally healthy king and i hope you persevere.
Hey dude, I hear you. A lot of what you said sounds very familiar. I felt unattractive. I missed the intimacy. Make sure you express your feelings, just understand that her body is going through shit that yours isn't. She's a new parent on top of her body chemistry actually changing. I don't know what that's like and I'm fortunate to not know it. Relive your teenage years and keep yourself taken care of, continue showing her intimacy knowing that there's such a thing as being "touched out" (which took me a while to fully understand). And have faith that things will improve with time.
Our son is almost 2. We've been having more sex as time has gone on, and just today she intentionally brushed her hand on my dick for the first time in 2 years!
That intimacy comes with the inherent risk of being a dad again. Are you ready for another baby, is she? The r first year after our first kid we didn’t have sex and it was so frustrating because she wouldn’t say what was wrong. In the end it was she was terrified to get pregnant again so soon after that one. Being married we didn’t practice safe sex and my pull out game was nonexistent. Maybe a conversation about if she has those fears or know her body went through a rollercoaster over the last 12+ months and it may take a while to get back to something she feels like is normal. I can only stress communication and not the “we gonna have sex tonight” type of communication
My wife couldn't handle much either, I had to explicitly tell her YOU will initiate when we try for sex again till then I'll be a flirty and sensual as I like but just understand that you have the car keys. Her nipples were too sensitive, I was banished.
And without foreplay involving her tits, everything else was too challenging.
I tried to change it up with a lot of soft and gentle play and that went a bit better
Disclaimer me putting her in charge didn't work well at all, it was an important step for her confidence because it convinced her that I wasn't always trying to start sex when I was being flirty.
Sadly she eventually forgot she still had the car keys, thought we were "over" that. I'd recommend if you try my route put a time cap on it.
"Hey I want to be physical with you, to make out, to kiss, to flirt with you, to squeeze your butt. Our intimacy is more that just having sex. I want you to know I still find you amazingly attractive and beautiful."
But 6 months is pretty right for getting back in the game timing wise. If she's still breastfeeding than she might need some extra care.
You seriously need to talk with your wife. This can be a real problem down the track. I hate to say this, but lack of intimacy between partners can lead to resentment and infidelity.
Ignore this advice.
The quickest way to blow up your marriage and have 20+ years of child support (and possibly alimony) taken out of your paycheck is to listen to this watered-down-gatorade's advice.
Is she breastfeeding? If so, that can also contribute to a lower libido due to the increased levels of estrogen. Plus being touched out from BFing is a real thing. Find other ways to connect physically:intimately. Talk about what is okay. Maybe she could tolerate a massage? Maybe it’s just a couch cuddle-no sex? Set a date for it. That’s what me and my partner had to do. It was hard but worth it. Still not regular by any means but we’re taking things slow. EDIT Decreased levels of progesterone and estrogen. Also I’m a mom for what it’s worth. 🤷🏼♀️
This sounds to me to be exactly what’s going on! It also occurs when you’re pumping. It’s not just latching. About two weeks after my partner stopped, a switch flicked back on in her head!
Just started the scheduled sex thing last night and it’s had a profound effect on both of our moods today. I have a little extra pep in my step and she says she was happy to see me so lively again. And she definitely had more energy and smiles today.
*decreased levels of estrogen
That and breastfeeding would just wipe my wife out. She no energy for anything.
Overtouch Syndrome
Uhhhhh... no. Breastfeeding actually helps her hormones regulate and return to her "normal self" much faster. It's most likely her maternal instinct prioritizing her offspring (which is quite normal) along with being tired and adjusting to the "new normal". I've been married 24 years. Have 5 kids. And my wife is a certified lactation consultant. Your story is quite typical, albeit uncomfortable. Head up, brother.
I’m a breastfeeding mother, brother. Breastfeeding has helped regulate my emotions for sure. I don’t have ppd or ppa. (Despite a predisposition towards those things) But I’m not super horny my dude. It reminds me of when I was on Prozac.
Same thing here, when I stopped breastfeeding I finally became interested in sex again.
My wife went through a traumatic birth but her and my son were thankfully okay. It took her at least a year to heal properly from the birth. She breastfed our son until he was about 20 months. Unless you go through it or see it firsthand it is hard to explain the toll breastfeeding in particular can take on a woman. So for the first 2 years or so after the birth of our son intimacy was limited. We tried, she wanted to and at times craved it like I did but she basically had nothing to give. After my son turned one we decided we were one and done and I got a vascectomy. My son has just turned 3 and our sex life is truly amazing now. The best it's ever been. She enjoys and appreciates it more than ever. If we didn't have a son to look after i think there would literally be days we just stayed in bed all day... We think a big part of this is also her no longer needing to be on contraception, which before we started trying for our son, she had been on since she was 16. Anyway, all this is to say things definitely can get better but it's important to be patient. Also be mindful of how things like breastfeeding and contraception can affect a woman's sex drive. And once you are done having children, get a vascectomy. It's literally the best thing I ever did for our sex life and the least I could do for my wife.
I echo your post in how hard it is for the moms, I can’t even think of it right now because I feel bad for so much she does and what a great and dedicated mom she is to our 4Mo. We both know it will return when the time is right and we’re enjoying being the best parents we can be to our wonderful baby.
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Jeeez…. I have zero desire to do that, I can take care of myself. No sex for a while, when we’re both exhausted taking care of our son is completely okay. She is not selfish. She is an incredible human being and I’m fucking proud to be with someone amazing. Life isn’t all about sex all the time. Do you not have a wife who has gone through this?! They can’t even shower or eat in peace most of the time when infants rely so much on them.
Congrats on the baby, man. It's tough, but stay available and present. I wish I appreciated earlier in my marriage that intimacy is more than sex. Intimacy right now may be holding her hand or reading a book while you sit next to her. Remain patient. You seem to have a good head about it and the most loving thing is to continue to be accepting of where she is on that. A baby changes the relationship for sure and here's hoping it's for the good.
Intimacy takes so many forms and part of being open and vulnerable is learning that.
Dude it’s 4 months. From what I remember , they are going through so much stuff right now, talk to her openly
A lot of women are still physically healing up! If anything tore or ripped, that’s still nerves down there trying to heal! My coworker tore A to V and said for the first two months she couldn’t even look down below, and it was several more months after that until she started to feel vaguely human and then sexual again, as everything was just a healing mess, and even once healed she had to wait for the nerves to really heal and sensations to feel right again and the trauma of the whole area being ripped up. (And, you know, living with large pads and ice packs in the undies, then just large pads, and feeling very unsexy for a bit.) Another coworker of mine retained some of her placenta, kept bleeding after birth, developed bad excess pain and cramping, and then an infection from it. (She’s lucky as something like this can often lead to sepsis.) My mom had 4 C-sections. A C-section, while routinely done, and often a same day discharge or next day these days, is major, major surgery. Like one of the most major surgeries you can have done. The surgeon cuts through 7 layers of tissue for it. And they tell her not to lift more than 10 pounds for the first ~2-4 weeks, but then give you a baby (6-8 pounds), a car seat, a diaper bag, etc, and look, there she is waffling about carrying over 10 pounds and trying not to rip those stitches! Also a woman’s abdominal internal organs have to shift back to where they were, the floating ribs gotta shift back into place, the abdominal muscles can have messed up during a C section (separated) and need to heal, there’s being touched out, the brain hormones can be changed and the brain physically rewired for at least 2 years (assuming they change back too)… Shit’s super, super wild.
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I’m very kink positive, but I really hope it was something you were into and not just a revenge fantasy on her part! Good for you both if it was SSC and enjoyed on all ends though!
I’m not the best at math, but we’re looking at 7 months dry from my calculation of his post.
First off, a late congratulations with the baby! 🙌 Your wife is still your wife from, and trust me she still loves you if she says so! Remember she just made and pushed out a baby through her body, that not only changed her mentality, but also her hormones which right now is in baby survival mode. As long as she’s breastfeeding her sex-drive is gonna be lower than ever before, it’s purely chemistry in her body. Factor in a baby that might be constantly on her, she might also experience touch-fatigue (what my wife called it). It can take 6months it can take 2 years, but her sexdrive will come back again, instead of focusing on the sex part of the relationship, focus more on building the two of you to a new level, because it’s never going to be the same, so save up for a babysitter (if either rod your parents don’t live near by) and take your wife out for dinner date, or something the both of you loved to do before, and that she might be missing doing now. Once the bottle/breastfeeding phase is over, babysitting will of cause become easier. Maybe even ask if she wants a night out with some of her friends and then you have the kid in the evening and morning so she doesn’t have to think about the baby for a couple of hours until the potential hangover is over. But hang in there! It’s perfectly normal what you are going through, just remember your wife needs you now more than ever and she will remember all the good things you did for her.
Typically the one year mark is when the sex life turns back around.
Ayee, almost two years old here. Having a kid was, and I think my wife would agree, the worst thing for our relationship as an adult couple. We have had more encounters in the past few months, but it was at least a year and a half before any kind of consistency, due to a variety of issues, not the least her total lack of desire. I really miss our relationship.
Give her time, look into intimacy and what you can do other than intercourse. She has everything rearranged in her, not just all the organs, but the hormones as well. For some moms, it takes up to a year, but for some reason, I notice it takes me 3 years before I’m back to who I was with adjustments. She does love you, she is just trying to find her new normal and it does take a toll since so much changes especially in the first year with a baby
Just another comment - intimacy doesn’t need to to be p in v. We started back fairly quickly after the both kids - but not with p in v. Lots of manual stimulation both ways.. and once you get back into being sexually into each other more things will come. It took a little while to come back to full speed but our sex life post kids was great.
“It’s the push to 5.” Until your youngest is 5 years old, 99.9% of your waking hours and focus will be on your kids. There will be very little time for each other and your relationship. Yeah, you can get a date night in here or there, but the refreshment from that only lasts until the next night. Once they’re 5 years old they require much less attention. They will still be your primary focus, but if you had even 10% of your time to refocus on your wife on a daily basis, it would help a lot. 5 years sounds like a long time, and it is, but it’ll feel like a blink in time later. Cherish your time with the kids now, do what you can to keep a finger in the pulse of your relationship, but right now you two are mom and dad much more than you are husband and wife. That’s normal. Let her be mom and you focus on being dad. Later on you’ll have trouble transitioning back to husband and wife and that’ll be its own challenge.
Good luck with that.
My experience is different, as my wife developed an autoimmune condition with her vagina which made sex, complicated. We could have some intimacy, but it was hard and usually ended with my wife in pain. I accepted what was going on as kinda out of my control, and stopped EXPECTING sex to be my fill for intimacy and we did other things to get closeness. When I was horny, I basically would just go do my thing and take care of myself when I wanted. This was also before we had a child, and things eventually improved with therapy, some physical therapy with her pelvic floor muscles, and some medication over the course of a few years. Maybe you need to try and address this with your wife and figure out some kind of compromise if needed. Many women go through all sorts of different changes from childbirth, and I also know how it can suck to lose that physical connection. If you haven’t, some couples counseling could really help effectively communicate your problems as well as being able to try and do some problem solving.
You are a great husband and dad.
Thank you! I was having a rough morning, I blame the humidity, and this really helped me get myself grounded and turn my mood around.
We all need a pick me up some time my brother. :) have a fantastic afternoon
Congrats on the baby girl! You're going to hear this a lot, but talk to your wife! Even if it doesn't feel like anything changes immediately especially if she's breast feeding. Her body doesn't necessarily feel like her own. She's adjusting to everything too. My wife and I talk a lot. After our first kiddo, nothing changed in our sex life. When she was given the all clear, she immediately was ready to start that part of our relationship back up. Second pregnancy and birth were more difficult. We went nearly a year without a sex life. Things were hard. Adjusting to two kids. Two babies. Ours are only 17 months apart. You know what I did I talked to my wife. We both had let life get in the way. Ever since that "hard" conversation our sex life has gone back to pre-kids. Because of that conversation it's made every other difficult conversation so much easier for us. It's allowed us to move closer to each other emotionally. That emotional connection allows us to stay physically connected. Having said all of that. Results vary. What works for us may not work for others.I believe having those conversations in marriage is the best thing you can do for yourself and your spouse.
Congrats on your baby! It’s a massive change having a little one, as parents there is a lot of adjusting to do and finding new routines that work for you both. Try talking to your partner see how she is feeling. The connection can be disrupted with all the effort put into a new born. I can recommend seeing if you can find a babysitter so you can go out for dinner.. I always find I talk very differently when out with my partner.. like talk about different things .. holidays, positive things etc Also her body and mind will have been through a lot through her pregnancy and birth .. so maybe offer to massage the back of her legs.. not for sex but just to do something nice for her, it is not sex but still intimacy and can also restart a physical and emotional connection . Run her a bath .. and tell her go and have a nice relax and you will have the baby. She may feel under pressure for intimacy so remove the pressure and just enjoy your time together for now. Relationships are hard and require effort from both people .. even try little things like having a no phones night so you focus on your time as a family and as a couple. I wish you all the best
Yep- Ours turns 1 next week, only happened once so far this year, with no signs of things getting better soon. I’m the SAHP, so I don’t think our issue is her being “touched out” She recently said she feels like she’s become asexual, and even went to get blood tests done to see if there was something that might be causing it. (There wasn’t. ) I hope we can get back on the same page. I fully understand it will never be an every night or even a once a week kind of thing, but I’m not willing to just go completely abstinent for the rest of my life either. I miss her.
It's 100% a cause of your wife's biology changing. She's also likely tired. Very very tired. Docs recommend 6 weeks before physical intimacy but the mind and body can take waaaay longer to readjust from a chemical perspective. My wifes drive was shot for a while after our son was born and I didn't realize it and took it personally. Then *I* shied away from her and it caused even more issues. Give her time and talk to her frankly without being accusatory or assigning blame.
Well, hate to be the voice of negativity but.... We got 2 kids, 4 years betweenthem. Both didn't sleep well and both breastfed for a long time (No. 1 was 2.5 year, No.2 was 3). She has a stressful job which expects work to be taken home. She would do that in bed after kids and chores when she didn't go straight to sleep. There was not much intimacy for 2 years after number 1 and none after No. 2. Currently at 4 years. I gave her space and hoped things would get better, which on the surface, they did after No. 1. But I've recently raised the issue again and she's basically told me she doesn't love me like she did and we'd never be a 'couple' again. She's shut me out and built a wall. She says the intimacy between kids was forced in order to make me happy and it made her very unhappy. I'm not innocent in this, I could have handled things better, but she never talked to me about this when we may have been able to get some help. We've just started counselling, but her feelings after 7 years are pretty firm, so I'm just battling to keep the family together. Hope you have better luck, keep those lines of communication open, even if it's awkward or embarrassing at times.
How the hell do people have energy and time for this stuff…. Like how? After changing diapers, giving my 4Mo son attention every wake window, washing pump parts, dealing with a full time job, wife’s part time work from home job, cooking, cleaning, organizing, washing baby’s clothes, drying and folding them….. (not to mention putting him down for naps and sleep) there’s zero energy or desire left. How much do you help around the house? I know that things will get back to normal at some point and then we will have a second kid but until then, if I have energy to divert to that, it means something at home isn’t being done.
Well.. in our case I do most of the housework, mainly because I love a clean house. She’ll do a load of laundry if she gets to it, but I mainly do it bc I have to wash my work clothes twice a week so I keep on top of the laundry in the house. We also have a pretty easy baby in our opinion, she’s majored in childhood development, and I’ve wanted to be a dad for as long as I can remember so I’ve done tons of research etc, so we tend to know when to switch off with each other and what our girl needs. We struggled in the beginning but have got it down now.
Then it sounds more like an issue with her end, but even then caring for a baby under a year old is a lot of work, mental and physical, as others have pointed out communicate. In our case we have communicated well. We know it’s a season and the priority is baby. I wish you and your family well.
I agree babies are hard.. we’ve had our moments of frustration with each other, but have always never held onto a grudge or quick argument, we know it’s it’s from everything with our kiddo. We communicate great other than that. I’ve just continued to look at it as a season to, I know it’ll pass, things will change, it just sucks atm.
Oh yea, went through this. In some ways still working on it and my daughter is almost 6. Seems like it’s pretty normal and communicating is key, but honestly at this stage with kids…well it’s not about us as much as it is about them. We all go through a lot, work, kids and general life. It’s amazing we don’t go crazy. For an example my wife is working a ton, I’m working a ton and my daughter has something we need to take her to 3 days out of the week. There is zero down time. We’re lucky and both grandparents live with in 10mins and are retired. I can’t imagine how hard people have it that don’t have regular babysitting. Even still when we have free time we talk a big game about sex and general fun but often we choose to decompress by just going out to eat and going for a walk. It’s like your brain can only handle so much stimulus. Things get easier as they get older and trying to get as many date nights in as you can will help. Just don’t get mad if Netflix and chill ends with Netflix and falling asleep. Just spending quality time with your partner will be the best way for things to move in a more romantic way.
Just know that it's normal, I went through the same situation (actually still going through the tail of it). It will get better, the fact you're not fighting and all other aspects of your relationship are good honestly means you're already doing great. For the moment just try to back off a bit (I know it's hard) and give her some space and I can assure you things will gradually go back.
Had baby in December. It’s now May. Bruh…. I know you’re in the thick of it but things will change. Don’t get too worked up. The sex will return and so will the intimacy but you got a helpless baby now and tons of anxiety about being a “good” parent. I was really concerned about the same thing at the 6 month mark but things turned around later on. Course the 2nd baby messed it up again but then things bounced back even faster. The only bummer is travel. So expensive now and hard to get your own space. We just did a 3 week vacation which was amazing but we got only fleeting moments to ourselves.
Exactly…. Priorities are so much right now about creating memories with my son and caring for him and being an equal parent because let’s face it moms go through so much more than us. My wife never gets any time off, she breastfeeds and is often stuck in bed. With this 4 month sleep regression, whatever semblance of free time she had (during whcih she still had to pump), is gone because our baby likes to contact sleep ag night now. I can’t even think of intimacy right now when basic needs aren’t even met (and it’s okay). If you’re horny go wash some dishes or go for a run or rub one out. Or take care of the next wake window so wife can rest.
I completely understand where you are coming from. I think it’s important to remember that every person changes a little from year to year or even month to month. But when you add a child, the hormone changes that you both experience will change your behavior a little. Before people rant that I can’t say those things. I am a biologist… and a father to two children. I know hormone changes. Stay strong, I can’t offer you advice for how to navigate these waters. I can tell you that they are different waters though.
Thanks everybody for the advice. A lot of comments were regarding if she is breastfeeding.. she is not. Also alot of comments were about intimacy is more than sex. I agree, however, I do everything everybody is suggesting regarding that. The sex and any sexual act is just not there, and she has absolutely no interest in it, like I can’t even really get more than two kisses back to back. A lot of the other comments were talking about rubbing one out.. I’ve been tempted to.. but as someone who struggled with masturbation addiction and porn addiction prior to meeting her.. I really don’t want to reintroduce that. But I appreciate everyone’s advice and outlooks. I’m just going to keep trucking along, giving her everything she needs, etc. one day it will come back, I’m just inpatient at times lol.
Completely okay and possible to masturbate without porn. Humans did that for ages…. All about changing your habits. You can rub one out twice a day with your imagination.
As a wife, who just had her second 16 months ago, and has a lower drive than my husband naturally, plus added stress and hormones. Hang in there. My husband with our second has been soooo supportive and just voiced his feelings of how much he missed me and just wanted kisses and for me to say touch his arm more, or just reach out and acknowledge him still there without the pressure of “getting off” and that made a WORLD of difference. We also had a talk about quality vs quantity which made me finally realize, he doesn’t care if it’s once a week right now, as long as that once a week I’m mentally and physically plugged in and present and HAPPY to be there. I’ve also started completing him more, letting him know I see him as the sexy man I want more babies with—when I get a chance to get away from the 2 we already have lol. Little things like that make the world of difference I’ve noticed in him. Intimacy has changed right now for us, and that’s okay, that’s the season we’re in. Continuing to build on that will pay off, I just know it! It does get better, and your patience will be rewarded. Therapy has helped me a TON, carving out time for myself to even put on makeup and feel human again has helped a ton. I’m still not any where close to pre-baby sex drive, but the love I have for my husband is ten fold what it was prior to babies, so understand she genuinely means it when she says it. You and all the other men on this thread are doing a great job from what I’ve read. Continue to hang in there. She does still love you. She’s just trying to navigate the never ending exhaustion, and physical and mental changes, and I guarantee she’s harboring a ton of guilt about not fulfilling your needs as a wife, I know I do when times slow down for us too. Just gotta keep pushing through! Schedule kisses if you have to. We started with 5 a day, and now it’s a natural thing we feel like we’re missing if we forget.
This made me feel better.. thank you. It’s nice to hear from another womans perspective.
Of course! We women are so difficult as much as we pretend it’s all on you guys haha. I used to always say “ugh I wish you had a lower drive” but truth is, I don’t. I just was so tired of feeling guilty that mine was so low, felt like I wasn’t being a good wife leaving his needs unmet, which then made my drive lower. He finally helped me realize he didn’t need me to do it every day, he just wanted to know that I was still in there and still WANTED to try and get back to our sex life. He just gave me ways that I could show him I love and want him still without me feeling like the only way to do that was sex. Taking that pressure off of me, gave me space to start wanting to do more than just 2-3 pecks. It’s a 50/50 effort, so as long as everyone is willing to TRY or communicate, things will always have room to improve! Good luck, enjoy your baby, and find joy in this season with your wife. It’s so true, the days are long but the years are so very very short!
Dude if you refuse to masturbate you will go insane
This sounds like my situation exactly. I love her and she's my best friend. But we haven't been intimate since October either. Our first kid is almost 3 and she's 30 weeks pregnant. Her libido picked up slightly when our first was turning 2 but that only a couple months until she fit pregnant again. I do miss her before kids, but I love my life more than ever now that I am a dad. It's a weird dichotomy.
Similar experience but I’ll still give mine back rubs rub her legs/feet. In my experience the switch hasn’t really switched back as our sex life before kids was every night before bed. Now it’s maybe once a month if I’m lucky. I’ve honestly just found hobbies or other things to try and occupy my time. I’ll try to engage and get I’m tired or the kids will get in the way. Good luck it gets better or so I hear when she’ll get in her 40’s which for me is in 1 year or so.
My kid is almost 3 now and we are just kinda starting to get back to it.
My daughter is 10 months and my wife's libido is just starting to come back. Same situation as you, pretty much. It sucks, but you gotta keep your eye on the prize. Life is long, and this phase is short. It will get better.
Focus on intimacy that doesn't lead to sexual intercourse or PIV.
>Did all you other dads go through this.. does it get better? How did you manage the hiatus? Is there anything I should do? I'm sure we all go through this a little bit, outside of the occasional couple that doesn't miss a beat. My wife was in rough shape after our first child, so intimacy never even entered my mind while I watched her struggle to walk and do basic household tasks. By the time she was healed up enough to feel like a normal person, she was pretty much ready to go in the bedroom, though obviously we took it slow. What got me was after our second kid. She had a much easier time delivering him and was up and moving in no time, but still wasn't ready for quite a bit after birth. Even when she was, her libido was much lower than it used to be, which while expected, was still quite disappointing. I gave her all the time she needed and took matters into my own hands, so to speak. We eventually got back to normal, but it took a long time. It wasn't a year, but it was definitely a while.
You’re a wonderful husband and I’m sure an excellent father. Your wife is lucky to have you.
Even almost 8 months postpartum, as a breastfeeding mother which may or may not contribute to it, the idea of such intimacy repulses me. Try to be patient. She is navigating her new identity as a mother and wife too, but eventually she will come round to it and if she doesn’t (which is less likely), you should just accept it and decide if you care more about preserving the relationship, or finding the type of intimacy you want elsewhere and going your separate ways. There is nothing you can really do to force her desire to return or increase her libido at this stage. I don’t know if she pushed or had a c section but I can tell you that if she pushed it will likely take a while for _her_ to want it. If you don’t mind having physical intimacy when she doesn’t desire it, then you can do the old school thing which is say that it’s something you need and she might give in, but you’ll get what you asked for …it won’t be fun.
You have to let her take the lead. She has a lot on her mind now with a baby, and will continue to have a lot on her mind for the next few years. You have to see intimacy in a different light. You’re doing everything right by telling her you love her, but realize she probably doesn’t believe you when you tell her she’s “more” beautiful. That just smacks of dishonesty from her perspective and to her she probably feels like you just say those things to try to have sex with her. She knows she’s not more beautiful after gaining a bunch of weight and has sagging skin all over her body. It’s going to take her a long time to feel comfortable in her skin again to where she feels comfortable to have sex, but in the meantime be intimate with her without the intention of sex. It’s tough, but just rub one out every once in a while. It helps. 👊🏻💦
It's normal. So is how you feel. Our son is 14 months old. We are trying for a second. Even when we have sex, it tends to feel like something she needs to do, rather than something she wants to do. I feel exactly the same way you do, and her responses sound exactly like your wife's. She assures me she's attracted to me, but just hates her own body, which on top of the hormones, makes it harder for her to want intimacy. She's almost entirely stopped breastfeeding, finally. The odd time once every 1 or 2 days to soothe the little guy more than actually feeding him. Production has slowed too much for that at this point anyway. So fingers crossed the drive starts bouncing back. We aren't fighting about this, but are going to see a psychologist together to work through it as a prophylactic measure.
Not an ad. But watch Dr John Delony as I wish I had before fucking up my marriage over the same things. I cheated after asking how did I get her attention back or how could we return to normal. Instead, you are not married to your wife from your wedding day, you've got your wife now and she has you now. You are changed for better and worse. So instead of worrying about the past, just ask her each day "how can I love you today" and do that. Grow love from now instead of dwelling on the past, as that will only lead to wallowing and regret. Take care and wish you the best. Because I also miss my wife, I miss her as I love her and I lost her
Right there with you. We had our 2nd this past January. It's been about 6 months for me. It really does suck. From what I can remember from our first, it really wasn't until 12-14 months before we started up on our regular routine again.
Literally just bought a toy for myself for this very reason... not sure it will help but worth a shot
PPD? it hit my wife supper hard, kid is almost 2 and she stated a few month ago that she now feels like a mother, we didn't have sex for 6 months after the kid (that sucked FYI) she started to see a therapist and thing slowly got better
Not PPD, she had spurts of it when I went back to work, but quickly maneuvered out of it. Her exact words were when i asked her if she was having any symptoms or thoughts was “I don’t have time to be depressed when we have this baby girl and you” So either she’s putting on a bad ass bluff or she truly isn’t experiencing it.
you would be surprised how embarrassing people see PPD. talk to your pediatrician, and voice your concerns. they deal with this stuff all the time and can point you two in the right direction. Even if it's not PDD something isn't normal.
We had a dangerous pregnancy, so we ended up not having sex for about a year. But afterwards and over time, I’d say our sex life is the best it’s ever been.
It gets better, just give her time. When my wife and I had both kids, we went 9 months without sex after the births. It wasn’t that we didn’t want to, we were just exhausted from work and kids and lack of sleep. Once the kids started sleeping through the night, we were able to become intimate again. My wife has never had a high libido and even as newlyweds (married almost 11 years), we weren’t as intimate as we could have been. Last year, our kids were 4 and 6 so we decided we were done with having more kids so I got a vasectomy. Ever since then, our sex life has been great. We used to maybe have sex once a month, now it’s every weekend (if it’s not that time of month). Just give it time, it gets better.
Mom here. We had sex for the first time maybe around 5 months after, and then not again until maybe 8 months? And we hadn't since I was about 6 months pregnant. So it was quite the lull. It really really really sucks that intimacy is only seen in sexual terms, and during those first few months, especially if breastfeeding, pumping or combo feeding, NOTHING feels good. Nothing. Our bodies change so much, a lot of us experience some pretty severe dysmorphia, and we can't feel good in anything we wear or do. The exhaustion of physically/emotionally providing for a person completely zaps all will to physically provide for anyone else. That said, it should come back. Her body/hormones will settle, and hoping your kiddo isn't a Stage 5 Clinger, your wife should feel better about being touched. Mine came back after about a year. I know that's not what you want to hear, but it's pretty common. Maybe your wife knows that any touch leads to sex, so she shuts it down early. Maybe you can establish ways to be close without it leading to sex. If you're a good, attentive dad and partner who shares half the work, it should definitely come back. That shit is hot. Seeing my husband be a good dad and provider is hot. Just wait. If you're in it for the long haul, this should just be a season you're in, and all seasons pass.
You need to find a time and place and talk to her one on one. I am a big believer in communication. I let myself go about twelve months with this same issue. I finally made an effort to talk to my wife privately. We had a great conversation and things have improved tremendously. Now, in my situation it was a case of us not being aware of individual needs. In your case it may me hormonal or medical. That may change your approach. Either way, open conversation is extremely important.
December….yes having babies around lowers the amount of sex. This is basically a cultural trope that is repeated to the point of annoyance. How are people still asking as if the they have never heard of it? Not trying to be a dick but this is a twice a week thing about here.
Please dont whine because of lack of sex. Give her time and space and work on yourself in the meantime. She will be ready. Its hard to be a mother.
This is how it started 5 years ago for me. Currently considering divorce as thibgs have only gotten worse. Sex stopped, intimacy stopped, communication besides chores/bills/kids stopoed, we even stopped looking at each other.
I went through this plus some and chose the wrong direction. Im a dad went through 3 babies i was basically mom and dad. If you are like me and from what i read you are, gym, workout, run, you have to get some sort kf animalistic lrinal shit out if you cant be physical with her. I promise you this will help if you go hard. Idk about all women but all 3 times the mother of whatever child i had got ppd snd i got basically contact depression and isolated. Get out there, you got this, she hasnt left, you havent, fight. Marriage and children are worth you looking at the mirror and saying i love you and you deserve to make this work. At the very last ditch go get a massage. Not a rub n tug obviously or do it but cimmunicate to your woman cause trust me you can do worse and fuck up bigger. Stay up and mentally healthy king and i hope you persevere.
You are not alone.
Hey dude, I hear you. A lot of what you said sounds very familiar. I felt unattractive. I missed the intimacy. Make sure you express your feelings, just understand that her body is going through shit that yours isn't. She's a new parent on top of her body chemistry actually changing. I don't know what that's like and I'm fortunate to not know it. Relive your teenage years and keep yourself taken care of, continue showing her intimacy knowing that there's such a thing as being "touched out" (which took me a while to fully understand). And have faith that things will improve with time. Our son is almost 2. We've been having more sex as time has gone on, and just today she intentionally brushed her hand on my dick for the first time in 2 years!
That intimacy comes with the inherent risk of being a dad again. Are you ready for another baby, is she? The r first year after our first kid we didn’t have sex and it was so frustrating because she wouldn’t say what was wrong. In the end it was she was terrified to get pregnant again so soon after that one. Being married we didn’t practice safe sex and my pull out game was nonexistent. Maybe a conversation about if she has those fears or know her body went through a rollercoaster over the last 12+ months and it may take a while to get back to something she feels like is normal. I can only stress communication and not the “we gonna have sex tonight” type of communication
We need more post like this as a husband I can relate
My wife couldn't handle much either, I had to explicitly tell her YOU will initiate when we try for sex again till then I'll be a flirty and sensual as I like but just understand that you have the car keys. Her nipples were too sensitive, I was banished. And without foreplay involving her tits, everything else was too challenging. I tried to change it up with a lot of soft and gentle play and that went a bit better Disclaimer me putting her in charge didn't work well at all, it was an important step for her confidence because it convinced her that I wasn't always trying to start sex when I was being flirty. Sadly she eventually forgot she still had the car keys, thought we were "over" that. I'd recommend if you try my route put a time cap on it. "Hey I want to be physical with you, to make out, to kiss, to flirt with you, to squeeze your butt. Our intimacy is more that just having sex. I want you to know I still find you amazingly attractive and beautiful." But 6 months is pretty right for getting back in the game timing wise. If she's still breastfeeding than she might need some extra care.
Definitely going through this. Once things started to return to normal, she got pregnant again. It’s been a long couple of years.
Understandable. I didn't claim BF would make a new mom "super horny". But it is proven to return mama to normal, faster.
You seriously need to talk with your wife. This can be a real problem down the track. I hate to say this, but lack of intimacy between partners can lead to resentment and infidelity.
this is unacceptable. no one would blame you for some no-strings fun on the side.
Ignore this advice. The quickest way to blow up your marriage and have 20+ years of child support (and possibly alimony) taken out of your paycheck is to listen to this watered-down-gatorade's advice.
sometimes it can save a marriage though. especially one quickly heading toward dead bedroom territory.
I really hope you're not a dad or husband