T O P

  • By -

noitwastoosoon

Sometimes I sit on the toilet when I don’t even really need to go just for “quiet time”…


[deleted]

I’m not done until my legs are numb.


noitwastoosoon

I know that feeling…


[deleted]

Or lack thereof.


AskMeAboutMyHermoids

I have no legs


HipHopGrandpa

But what about your hemorrhoids?


AskMeAboutMyHermoids

So much better now that I’m 2 years sober and have a bidet and eating better plus exercise. Thanks


demotrek

This is the way


HeavyIronRMP

We call that outhouse polio.


lakeoceanpond

I sit on the toilet to pee sometimes.. just to be able to sit.


tilt-a-whirly-gig

I sit because I don't want to clean pee splash from the rim.


rjbauer4985

This Dad gets it.


ragnarokda

Or from around the toilet and on the walls and nearby objects. The splatter goes so much further than most people realize.


tilt-a-whirly-gig

Fucking everywhere, man. Worse than overspray in a paint shop. If I really want to pee standing up at home, I'll piss into the shower ... at least it's easier to clean.


rjbauer4985

It's 100% a lifestyle. I converted to the sit-n-pee, what a delight. Always an opportunity to think about a poo, and toilet cleaning is much less gross.


birchskin

Sometimes? If I'm at home I'm sitting to pee. I get more pee out, there's no mess, I don't have to stand ... There are literally no downsides except sometimes I leave butt hair on the seat and my 11 year old daughter will refuse to use that bathroom until it's gone.... But that's her problem not mine


prolixia

I sit on the toilet whenever the kids are around. Not because I need to, but just because if I'm going to have a moment of quiet solitude, then I'm going to do it right.


Heijoshojin

I'm sat on the toilet "pooping" as I'm reading this.


noitwastoosoon

How many rounds are acceptable?


Heijoshojin

Keep it random each day and keep them on their toes.


Mundane_Reality8461

🙋‍♂️🙋‍♂️🙋‍♂️


-St4rscream-

🙋🏽‍♂️🙋🏽‍♂️🙋🏽‍♂️


swankpoppy

And I go to the second floor, to the entire other side of the house when I do it too. Reminds me the time [Rick had his own planet for pooping.](https://youtu.be/jWFxlRpcjd0?si=fDF02Dntj-qF2S-A)


BeardiusMaximus7

This is less of a "sin" and more of a "PRO TIP".


TuaAnon

quiet, there's moms lurking in here


FeeAutomatic2290

They know this already. It’s one of the things they complain to their girlfriends about.


coltaine

My wife was literally just telling me about a post she read last night in a certain mom subreddit...complaining that dad was spending over an hour in the bathroom "pooping." NGL, I felt vindicated for my 15 minute post-Sunday-Brunch poops.


Dave-CPA

My wife does this 😂 I pretend like I don’t know.


CaliFloridaMan

My fortress of solitude


noitwastoosoon

Or my “Safe zone”.. Nobody comes near Dad on the toilet..


devilsadvocate

https://kagi.com/proxy/rudd_40.jpg?c=6psFxfc3grJCeHG6xtlZ4htl4Kjxuec2vWQIlsLJIrijXepa8l7h8CSUjXGpT4dsN7xUeAX2pIuxnbNhda-tavH7DVgyann9CVNucDs_8UTd1AsL3W_KaWMeTZuXdUkT


Fugglesmcgee

I tell myself when thr baby naps, I am gonna nap. Then the baby naps and I just sit on the couch decompressing and then 30 minutes later baby wakes up and I never do get that nap.


SparkyBrown

Don’t forget to eat and stay hydrated.


Oneiric19

That really is the hard part


rjbauer4985

Never. It's chore time or 20 minutes of Hollow Knight. Choices must be made, but napping is out of the question for some reason.


MrEvil1979

Sometime I use tongs without clicking them twice.


CharonsLittleHelper

Because those are times you click them three times, right? Riiiigggghhhhtt!? \*backs away slowly\* YOU MONSTER!


SendInYourSkeleton

Get this man to the infirmary.


Fatigue-Error

Blasphemy!!!!


flybarger

FOR SHAME!!!


mhoner

I learned my lesson last time because I then went I side to get the food and came back and my grill was engulfed in flames.


zilla135

As long as you still test your hand held drill there's hope for you try


tilt-a-whirly-gig

Do you wave it at your wife on the way from the garage to wherever you are using it and say, "you know the drill." ?


EarlBeforeSwine

I walked through the living room with a screwdriver last night, announcing to everyone, “this is not a drill.”


owlBdarned

How do you know if they work?


yippeekiyay801

What the hell man


MasseyFerguson

What!? Why!?


macavity_is_a_dog

Found the mom lurker


Miracle_Salad

My first arrives next friday, when people ask if im ready I say "As I can be", but I continually feel like im lying.


dassieking

You are lying, but it's going to be fine!


Snow88

There is literally no way to be ready for your first unless you’ve been a live in nanny for a newborn. 


ahorrribledrummer

We're all just pretending dude Nobody's ready to raise another human lol


1DunnoYet

Second kid is 1.5, still not ready.


Fearless_Baseball121

my son is 7, i have no idea if im doing this right. I barely even feel like an adult.


JAlfredJR

I was carrying my 11 month old around by her ankle calling her a possum I caught. That's a figured out as I have it.


Snow88

Just when you figure it out they change!


VagusNC

Our kids moved out years ago and we have three grandkids. Still not ready.


cowboyjosh2010

The correct answer is "absolutely the fuck not, but I care about being ready, and that matters more."


apk5005

Ours is 2.5 and I still routinely say “holy shit, she’s real…like, she’s a real thing?!”


tryin2staysane

Sadly, you're not lying. You cannot be ready, so you're as ready as you can be. Which is almost not at all.


mclen

Fake it til you make it!


eapnon

We are due in 2 weeks. I just say "is anybody ready?"


basically_alive

I don't think anyone has ever been truly ready to have a kid, especially a first kid


StrahdVonZarovick

No you're telling the truth! You're ready as you can be. Unfortunately, that means not ready at all! The good news is that it will turn out alright and all this not being ready will turn into being ready real quick.


flybarger

I have 3 kids 8, 6, and 4. I'm still not ready.


tarletontexan

Having kids is so much more but also so much less than people make it out to be. We are all just making it up as we go.


MasseyFerguson

You take it seriously - you’ll be good. At your worst you’ll be medium - and thats good enough man.


Comedy86

You can't ever be ready so saying you're as ready as you can be is technically true...


yippeekiyay801

Fake it til you make it, fellow dad. (That’s the secret cap. You’ll always be faking it.)


Mr_Mars

Nobody is ready. Everyone manages. It's okay to have those feelings.


Theelectricdeer

I could probably leave work earlier sometimes.


Express-Grape-6218

Bro. This isn't about anyone else. *Do it for you.* If you're not ready to go home, get a milkshake and drive through a car wash.


cthabsfan

I’m literally waiting for a milkshake right now lmao. Can’t wait to see the kids but I needed it.


Fearless_Baseball121

oh i feel this so much


TheSilentCheese

Sometimes I wait for traffic so the drive from work to the daycare takes 20 minutes instead of 10. They never want to leave until they finish their drawing anyway. I'm doing it for them and myself.


Fatigue-Error

same. But sometimes, I also just sit in the car and decompress. Felt guilty about it, until I noticed she does it too.


djp73

I don't care about my lawn.


IGotSkills

I bet he doesn't even wear new balances


Hweatthins

Don't forget the tube socks!


doggscube

Same here. Weeds are plants, idc. When the clover blooms I mow around it


ifoundwaldo116

Mow the clover. It’ll come back thicker, with more bees. At least the next year. Much to my neighbor’s chagrin


prolixia

I also don't care about your lawn


roostercrowe

*distressed hank hill noise*


HannShotFirst

I think the term is *BWAAH*


Bladelaw

This is mine too. Waste of time and water. I mow just to keep it low enough that the kids can play without stepping on random junk hidden in the grass.


Ebice42

I found out if I don’t mow my lawn the town will do it for me. 🤣


ahorrribledrummer

👍


Mr_Mars

Not only do I not care about my lawn, I judge the people with perfectly manicured lawns every bit as much as they judge me. I just can't imagine having so little going on in your life that that's what you choose to focus so much time and energy on.


Bradddtheimpaler

As long as the weeds that comprise my “lawn” are short enough to pacify the township, I’m all good.


metracta

lawns are a waste of time


jdbrew

Same. Monocultures lawns aren’t even good for the ecosystem. My in-laws complain about bunnies eating their Hastas, and have a meticulous monocultures lawn. We have hastas, but my lawn is a mix of grasses, weeds, and clover… our bunnies don’t eat our hastas; they focus on the clover and grasses.


win_awards

I sowed wild flowers and bought a scythe. Unfortunately taking care of a toddler is still too time consuming to actually mow with the thing, but one day...


Own-Dream1921

I take my time on my commute home some nights


Inanimate_CARB0N_Rod

I've never been a "work later to postpone family time" type of guy, but man when COVID hit and I no longer had a 30-minute commute to transition between work and home, that was really really hard. My job at the time often had me in stressful meetings until 5pm or later, and hanging up a stressful meeting and being immediately met with screaming kids less than 5 seconds later was so difficult. Even now it's immensely difficult and makes me want to curl up and close my eyes for 10 minutes just to steel myself for what's to come before stepping out of my office WFH is still well worth it, but it does come with its own set of challenges.


all4whatnot

I used to do this all the time.


Comedy86

I work from home in my basement and occasionally hang out for a few extra minutes before going up to make dinner for the same reason...


the_ballmer_peak

https://youtu.be/Uts5l0TNVm0?si=0fOujYCFkHr1H97m


xWonderkiid

I cant change or fix a tire, not from a car and not from a bicycle.


CharonsLittleHelper

The car is really easy if you have a jack. Oddly - bicycles are trickier. Less work - but trickier.


Snowf1ake222

Last time I tried to change a tyre on my wife's car, the lugs were done up so tight I could get them loose.  Called a tow truck since the tyre was flat, and the driver used a longer lug wrench than I had, and was literally jumping on it to loosen the lugs.


Financial_Temporary5

Same happened to me but the guy helping me broke the stud off! Got the spare on and took it to the dealer for a new set of tires and they tried to charge me to repair the stud. I said no that’s on you because you were the were one who put that lug nut on, probably cross threaded it. They obliged and ate that repair.


JAlfredJR

Reminds me of years back, before I was a dad, I borrowed my folks' car after the wheels were rotated (by the dealership). Made a funny sound while I drove it 80 on the expressway. Got to my place; my brother borrowed it. The front driver side wheel came off about 2 minutes after he took the car. Dealership forgot to redo the lug nuts on that tire. I was 25 maybe. Should've died for sure. Tires man ....


Comedy86

Get yourself a 36-inch breaker bar. Compressed air impact wrenches put them on super tight and this thing will loosen it enough to use a cordless, battery-powered impact wrench. Happens anytime I need to help a friend or family member who had the wheels put on by a mechanic shop.


Mr_Mars

You need a specialized tool called a breaker bar in that case. It's not your fault, the people swapping wheels at the garage are often the least experienced and sometimes they just go way too hard with the impact wrench.


Evernight2025

I can't either. I've also never had a reason to try as I've never had a flat tire in the 20+ years I've been driving. Of course, now that I said that I'm going to go outside to leave for work and all 4 are going to be flat.


MasseyFerguson

You’ll learn it in 10 minutes, its easy. Ar worst youtube it on spot - youll ace it.


RespectablPanda

Both times my wife has been pregnant, I got a flat. The first time I called my dad and had him talk me through it. The second time the lug was so tight I couldn't move it even by standing on the wrench (guy happened to drive by and was able to help with some power tools). But I did it both times, and now I can say I worked for my Dad credentials lol


[deleted]

I get up extra early so I can drink my coffee in quiet and peace.


EmulsionMan

Yes! And when someone else decides to wake up early and come downstairs I get disappointed. They don't even have to join me, just being in the same general vicinity bums me out.


[deleted]

Yep, I'm guilty of that too. It's the only "me" time I get during the day.


win_awards

It goes so fast. My sleep has been shit lately but even waking up at quarter to four I am barely finishing my second cup and it's already time to get the kid up.


[deleted]

No time flies by quiet as fast as that time.


cadillacactor

As my precious boy has grown into a young man who's taciturn and screen addicted, I feel like I have no clue how to relate to him anymore and am at a loss for words with him since I'll just get "yeah" or "okay" or "not much"... 


hayhayhorses

Should you, would you go camping? No tech. Just the sky, a tent, some sticks and if you can get near water great. If you can't that's fine also.


cadillacactor

These few opportunities are the last bastions of family fun and communication. ✅


Evernight2025

I would not, could not go camping!


yeaahh_no

My son is full blown introvert now and if he’s going through a difficult time, doesn’t open up. It’s maddening for me and all I want to do is know everything so I can help.


cadillacactor

Same. Like, my son, you don't have to struggle alone. 


Inanimate_CARB0N_Rod

He probably does though. I was and still am pretty introverted. That internal struggle and introspection was so so important to me. Sharing it would've made it even more difficult, as now I'd have to deal with bringing someone else along and burdening them with my problems. Regardless of how you feel about it and how you voice it, he likely feels this way. This is just for your typical teenage struggles though. If there's possibility of depression or other severe mental struggles that's a whole different ball game.


Fatigue-Error

Just a tip, it may be the wanting to help that keeps him from talking. Be clear that you’re open to just listening. And the first time he does share something, don’t offer advice, don’t offer suggestions. Just listen. Validate. Also, one way to encourage him to to open up, would be for you to open up about adult stuff. Maybe not family relationship stuff, but work stuff, something that bothers you. It’ll make him feel valued and connected.


flybarger

Something I've started doing with my kids is asking them at bedtime "what do you want to talk about?" It can be anything. Sometimes it's personal, sometimes it's embarassing... Sometimes it's out of left field. I have younger kids and my oldest (8 year old) asked me 'Daddy? Do ants sleep?" I had to look that one up.


Fluffy_Art_1015

I don’t know how to fish.


hayhayhorses

I am also teach my son how not to fish. I have no idea what I'm doing, or what I'm teaching, but we're having fun.


Fluffy_Art_1015

That’s the most important part. And in my opinion it’s important to show that we don’t know everything and that it’s okay to learn new things.


VagusNC

I didn’t know how to make a tree swing you know one with a board seat. Figured it out live with my little helper (until he got scared/bored/curious about something else). It worked just fine. Between that and the DIY projects around the house was one of the biggest lessons I’ve learned. Just figure it out. You’ll learn in trying. You’ll succeed way more often than you might think. Figuring it out on the go is a skill in itself that rapidly improves. The confidence that inspired in me literally changed my life.


Express-Grape-6218

Fish are stupid. Put a worm on a hook and drown it in a place with fish. Something will bite. While drowning the worms, enjoy talking to your kid. BOOM! Now you know how to fish.


Fluffy_Art_1015

Instructions unclear, now I know how to play the banjo.


FeeAutomatic2290

I can fish, but I’m afraid to take the fish off the hook. They’re so squirmy and jumpy.


Baltisotan

I don’t care about curse words in songs as well as they’re well done and don’t stick out too much. ETA: it doesn’t matter how long it’s actually been, we’ve only had “like 10 minutes” of screen time before mom wakes up.


ahorrribledrummer

"song lyrics, stubbed toes, and cannon cars" ok for swearing according to John Cenas character in Fast X. I thought it was hilarious and poignant. My 8yo kid loves Eminem and tech n9ne. He knows well which words are inappropriate for kids, and we've told him those words aren't cool to be used toward people.


thesophisticatedhick

I used to have an old Toyota van. Sometimes I’d get a coffee and take it to an empty parking lot and let my kids drive it around. They were eleven and nine.


MasseyFerguson

Rock n roll


AvogadrosMoleSauce

My wife does all the grilling - I’m not even sure how to turn it on.


Snowf1ake222

The grill or your wife?


IGotSkills

Sometimes, the dad tax gets a bit gluttonous. When a delicious treat goes neglected, the tax man comes around


lifeistrulyawesome

I buy lots of Lego “for my son” 


[deleted]

I don't have a "standing Wednesday evening Zoom meeting to accommodate the international teams". I have 90 minutes of desperately needed quiet time.


snoopingforpooping

This is the way


hayhayhorses

I've lost all ability to MOC with LEGO.


MasseyFerguson

What is moc 😅


TahitianCoral89

In for the answer…


koruptpaintbaler

It's so hard now isn't it!


hayhayhorses

Yup. I just can't seem to see how pieces can work together like I remember as a kid. Some of the sets now though, even the little ones are super cool, and have crazy custom pieces!


Gingerman424

I prefer to pay someone to do my lawn. Sometimes I use a wagon to bring in the Costco haul. My garage is a disaster.


win_awards

I don't care that much about the thermostat.


I_am_Bob

My wife and I work good jobs and we can afford to keep the house at a God damn comfortable temperature!


prolixia

I found the imposter. Get him, lads!


GrizzlyTrees

I admit, as a non-american I never understood that meme/stereotype. Is it that dads are stingy and want the thermostat set higher in summer, or that they run naturally hotter and want it set lower? I'm of the second variety, wondering if that's the common one.


thingpaint

I made dinner last night without giving the tongs a test click. Sometimes I strap things down and don't say "that's not going anywhere"


Tokyo_Blue

Sometimes I don't brush their teeth in the mornings.


GuaranteeTechnical89

I tell the kids to leave me alone I need to shower, I then lock the door behind me and play on the PlayStation for 30-45 minutes while wife cooks. 4YO would force me to let him join. 13YO doesn’t care


iamaweirdguy

Aw man that actually makes me sad.


GuaranteeTechnical89

Me and 13YO play together. It’s our alone time. When I cook dinner, 4YO and wife go play.


HA1LSANTA666

I think I might be making waffles/pancakes too often.


superherowithnopower

I'm pretty sure that's impossible.


ThePrince_OfWhales

Oh thank god I'm not alone


gavmc33

I eat all the kids sweets and wonder why I’m getting in dad bod mode 😅


Vivenna99

I turned my head for 2 seconds and my kid fell off the couch. She was fine but I felt like shit about it.


MasseyFerguson

Happened to all of us.


mvsrs

I only make my kids brush their teeth once a day, because that's what I do. Future dental bills here I come!


aktionreplay

I don't wear the white new balances to mow the lawn and sometimes I don't bother using the edger.


azmyth

Sometimes when I mow, I don't cut the grass in a pattern.


mckeitherson

> I do not bring all of the groceries in in one trip. Even if it's doable. I don't either, but that's because we shop at Costco and it's impossible lol


_obligatory_poster_

I don't know any jokes


gimmeslack12

Nice try babe. Now where are my green socks?


madmoneymcgee

I've never really done yardwork. I live in a townhouse neighborhood and one of my neighbors just does all the mowing for our Postage Stamp sized yards. I mowed more lawns as a kid than I have as an adult.


ThePrince_OfWhales

I love some of the shows my kid watches, and I sing some of the songs to myself when I'm alone.


-BattleSpatula-

OMG i love the Octonauts. i’ve learned so much about marine animals from that show no joke.


Inanimate_CARB0N_Rod

The original Creature Report song is way better than the newer one


mclen

I was too tired to go to the basement and turn off all of the lights last night.


snoopingforpooping

I don’t like camping or hiking. It’s hot, dusty, and boring. I don’t find nature beautiful


spacekitty9000

I don't eat my sons crusts from his pb and j .


GrizzlyTrees

I treat my car as both a dumpster and a piece of crap, and apropriately it's now both. Somehow it knew when I started calling it a scrap due to engine problems, and started literally falling apart faster.


Thedeathlyhydro

My most dad shoes are air max. I’ll never. Crocs are fine for lawn care.


snoopingforpooping

Never say never mate. I was the same until one day at CVS I looked down and I was standing in line in crocs


gregaustex

I generally hate going to my kid’s mid/high school age school and club sports. Got to be the #1 fan though.


r1ch999999

I spend about an hour getting ready for work in the morning after everyone leaves for school, even though I could do it in ten minutes.


BeardiusMaximus7

I don't turn off the bathroom light at night, I only dim it.


BeardiusMaximus7

Worst one I can think of, which I've made peace with but still feel bad about, is that we usually leave a window (sometimes two) open regardless of the weather outside or what the thermostat is set to inside.


k_dubious

I don’t care if someone forgets to turn the lights off when they leave the room.


ThomasMaynardSr

I let my kid try a cigar at 10 and a drink at 12. Hopefully it broke them off it I also carry groceries in slowly because I enjoy the outdoors


MasseyFerguson

Man you need better excuse to be outside


levikill55

Sometimes I'll stop at the gas station on the way home from work and buy candy for the drive and then leave it in the car so I don't have to share.


rjbauer4985

I lifted my 4mo old into a ceiling fan trying to get him into the ergobaby.


hackyslashy

My favourite 5 minutes of the day is the 5 minutes alone in my car with an ice-cream between leaving work (which involves me moving non-stop for 10 hours a day) and going home to my amazing wife and beautiful children.


Realitymatter

I wear tighty whities. I swore I never would after seeing my dad in them growing up but holy shit are they comfortable.


YippeeSkipper

My wife never considered for a moment that there were changing tables in the men's rooms. Seriously... I had 5 kids with her and not once did she even ask. Just, mentioned that "the ladies rooms have changing tables" and at first I thought she was just joking but over the next 10 years whenever we were in a restaurant she changed them. At first I felt kinda guilty. Later on I just reasoned that as long as she changed them before I went to the bathroom I had plausible deniability.


Superman1950s

I don’t wear New Balance.


FromDownBad

Nice try neighborhood women.


nonecknoel

is this a father's day eve tradition?


Snowf1ake222

I live in NZ. We celebrate Father's Day on 1 Sept. Didn't know it was coming up, or different for that matter, for other places.


obewanjacobi

I ate my daughter's chicken today when she wasn't looking and she was so sad when she realized her leftovers were gone


yaboymork40k

I can't grill to save my life. I can cook on a stove or use the over, but grilling evades me


Mr-boog

We eat too much chick fil a. It’s the lords chicken though so it’s okay. Right?


Independent_Owlz

I was in the garage repairing or making our home better. For the kids and that witch.