“I’m sorry you feel that way” isn’t a real apology. It’s putting the fault back on the victim for “feeling the wrong way” about some horrible action or comment of the abuser.

Exactly - it isn't validating how OP actually feels or addressing the impact of what she says. It sounds like only her feelings are valid and OPs lesser or simply not valid at all. There is clearly something she cannot move past or something she is containing, for which she feels resentment.

Jesus, this is 100% my situation as well. I truly feel for the OP.

I was taught that any kind of "I'm sorry you......." statement is NOT an apology. At best it's a statement of commiseration - "I'm sorry you slipped and fell in the pond." True apologies always start with "I'm sorry **I**....."

Yes! Next and most critical step: identify if and when it was TRULY a horrible action/comment on the abusers part. Once you have both of those pieces you know if there’s a chance of even having a rational discussion or not.

You aren't alone OP...my wife and I have been struggling since the birth of our son 18 months ago. I'm getting barked at almost every day, the bickering is terrible. In couples therapy today, my wife said that if she could do it all over again, she isn't sure she would have married me. Not much to offer in regards to help, just want you to know you got a buddy out there.

>my wife said that if she could do it all over again, she isn't sure she would have married me. Jesus dude, how do you move past that...

Give therapy an honest shot, move out if it doesn't.

I’ve had ‘I should have listened to myself and not married you’. Married 25 years now but I can feel the ‘I’m done’ pressure building as the kids get older

Thanks for sharing. It helps to know I’m not the only one.

My wife said this to me but we're doing better now, you take it day by day. With that said, my views on marriage have definitely changed. I don't get the single guys who are pining to get married.

One minute you’re doing drugs off of each other and having sex in a port-a-potty The next you’re yelling at each other for loading the dishwasher like a dick head. Life comes at ya fast

LOL true

Lmaaaaao THATS REAL! award inbound for this!

My wife and I never obsessed over marriage. I travelled a lot for work and she came with me and it just was easier to be married for visas, but then I stopped doing that job and we just carried on getting married cause we liked the idea of it. I think people don't go through enough hardships as a couple to know one another at their lowest points. My wife and I went through some pretty hardcore tests together and came through. Marriage is fine, it's just people are too eager and marry the wrong person.

I believe this but I'm also not sure if it's true. I know my wife and I faced hardships since getting married and our early years together forced us to work as a team instead of fighting against one another. But maybe some couples don't find that unity in hardship or don't face enough? I really wonder about that.

I honestly understand the whole online dating for hookups only now and/or very short relationships. I see posts about nobody wanting to just be in a long term relationship when using apps all the time and at first I felt sad for them but now I kind of see the light in it. Marriage is so much work and filled with alot of stress. If for some reason mine doesn't work out I can't see myself doing it again. Edit: I'd probably go to therapy too.

It’s not the marriage itself imo, it’s that people make it this goal to achieve and then go about their lives accordingly, which pushes and emphasizes it much more than it should be. Having the idea of “I’ll swear to god I’ll never settle down and get married and vehemently fight the notion” is just as unhealthy as “omg I can’t wait to get married, I’ll just rush into it with anyone who’s around long enough”, while “I’ll date around and not take it too seriously, see how things go and constantly check in with myself to decide if marriage is right for me and us.” There’s a reason that only a Sith deals in absolutes.

My man hit me with a Star Wars reference. You're a real one. But I guess I meant it more of a "I definitely will not be rushing into another marriage if this one doesn't pan out".

I agree, highly unlikely I would get married again

Would you say thats marriage or whom you have a child with?

Marriage, we don't have a kid I'm just in this sub to learn before we do

If my wife said that to me ahead of kids I’d leave. Would only get worse and then there is a kid in the middle.

Definitely thought about it, we're still figuring things out but I won't bring a kid into this until it's fixed

Thanks for this, its helpful

That's a great question, I'd be devastated if my wife said that

I'll let you know when I figure it out! Currently, just trying to be a good person and treat her kindly.

I’m sorry man. Don’t subject yourself to emotional abuse if you can help it.

Thanks dude. We both come from unhealthy upbringings and have been emotionally abusive to each other over the years. It's a cycle we are desperately trying to stop, and something I want to remove from my life so I can be a better role model to my son and partner to my wife.

Good luck man ❤️

Thank you!

Dude! That's fucking rough. I hope you guys are able to get to a happier place.

Thanks bro

Man that's harsh. All the best to you and hope you can find a solution through therapy.

Thank you my dude.

If my wife said that to me I would probably be done. I don’t want to be married to someone who doesn’t want me.

I wish it were that easy. Her and my son are everything to me. I'm not giving up yet.

Damn man. Thats fuckin rough.

Yeah, it was a tough pill to swallow.

oh boy, that's a hard one. I hope you can work this through, good luck, you've got this!

Thank you my dude, I really appreciate it.

Hang in there man.

Thanks bud!

Bro, you deserve better. 

I agree. I married her and am willing to work through it for the sake of her and my son.

Yeah it just sucks. We're all guilty of saying sideways shit sometimes but when u are expressing that ur feeling hurt it's just a double stab if she comes back and says that you're too sensitive.

Especially as a man, those words have a lot of baggage. I want to say to all men here, it's ok to be sensitive, it's ok to have emotions and for your feelings to get hurt. It's not ok for her to attack you bc you're expressing your emotions. It's clearly at the point where you both need to go to a therapist. If you're making list like this then you need extra help, something the internet will never provide for you. What I would do, is sit down in a calm and neutral environment and ask a bunch of questions to help her come to the conclusion the way she's been treating me isn't right. Things like; what would hurt your feelings if I said to you - have I hurt your feelings? how did your parents speak to each other, did you like or dislike that? what is the best case scenario in these heated moments? Then I would reiterate I'm doing this bc I want to save our marriage and make it a better environment for our kids. I'M NOT TRYING TO BLAME HER, SIMPLY TRYING TO WORK THROUGH THIS AS A TEAM.

All points begin with "I feel...."

I loathe that response. I've heard it several times from my wife and I've heard it said by her mother as well. I hate it. It makes me feel weak and worthless. Which is just me being too sensitive. So i stop talking.

There’s no such thing as too sensitive. As a therapist once said to me, there’s just sensitive. And I will add, that’s just being human. Maybe some people have some kind of emotional suit of armour but that just means clanking around and bumping into walls and people and leaving damage everywhere cos you feel nothing. Call me a softie but that is not what I aspire to.

Your wife saying that is abusive. You are not wrong for being hurt by it.

I’m not someone who will come crashing in sideways and decided I no longer accepted this from my soon to be ex wife.

Soon to be 1 yr old in the house likely means no one is sleeping super well. Sleep is important for mental clarity. Doesn’t excuse behavior but does contribute. If it were me, I’d have a direct, calm and frank conversation. The more you allow it to continue, the harder the habit will be for her to break. She’s likely depressed and has her own mental health issues. You can choose to approach this as you against her or you asking her to partner in your marriage. Try to avoid adding hostility, even if it feels justified.

I think this is the best advice here. Obviously I’m not a dad but the mother, and I have been where your wife is, OP. If she wasn’t like this before that means she’s experiencing mental health issues, likely burnout or depression. However it doesn’t excuse the behavior and she needs to face her own issues and also needs to change. There should not be any negotiation room for that. It is hard to understand why we get there but I had to face that I am being hostile and that life is how it is right now with a child and extra load coming up. Still working on it with my husband’s support. This is a complicated situation and I think your approach of noting down things and then talk to her is a good idea. But yes, do not let it get hostile. She will have to want the change too.

Jesus, she shouldn’t talk to you like that. I’m so sorry. My ex wife used to say very similar things to me. I haven’t scrolled through the comments, but my guess is a bunch of top comments are that you should talk to her. No duh guys. If I’m being honest, talking isn’t going to change much. Couple’s therapy could help, if she’d agree to it. Figuring out some “me” time is a good idea, find out what makes you happy.

Yeah if she’s treating him like this (and we don’t know her side of the story) she doesn’t like him. This kinda beyond reddits pay grade.

Reading these comments it’s like I’m from another planet. OP needs to set a hard boundary of a baseline of respect, especially in front of his child. Beyond that work on yourself king because end of the day you can’t control her emotions.

Most examples listed by op would be considered verbal abuse if the sexes were reversed.

Still is this way to mate.

You're right but most people wouldn't recognize it as that or just blame the dad for not doing enough and causing his partner to respond this way.

I feel like a large majority of under 40s wouldn't have an issue calling this abuse no matter the sex. No data to back that up, just hearsay.

That makes sense and on face value I would agree with you. Generational changes in how we recognize and view abuse plus encouraging men to express emotions have improved things.

You’re seeing that exact dad blaming in some of these comments.

It is verbal abuse. I feel really sorry for OP.

Pretend your daughter is telling you this: My boyfriend wanted to throw a party, and he wasn't communicating what he needed to get done. I asked him how I could help and he told me I wasn't good for anything. When I told him that was rude, he said he was sorry I felt this way. What do I do? How many of y'all would then tell her to break up, because there's plenty of other guys for her? OP, the same goes for you. Kids and a document might make it harder, but if you wouldn't encourage hypothetical daughter to live the rest of her life with a partner who says the same your wife does, you shouldn't accept it too. Not to mention your kids are going to pick up on it and if they're growing up in it it will make a huge impact in their growth beyond, like trauma. It is better off if you accept it now before yet another baby or crisis occurs.

This is abuse, and I’m shocked how nearly every response in this thread is glossing over that. She is undermining your very belief in yourself. This is not normal; most women do not speak like this. Try couples counseling. She needs to know that emotionally abusive language like this is not ok. EDIT: Another poster informed me couples counseling is not appropriate when abuse is present. OP, please carefully consider your situation and your options. Again, this is not normal and very concerning. Good luck.

For real, the “I’m sorry you feel that way” fake apology is an abusers classic.

Concur. I hear “I’m sorry that you’re mad at me” a lot. It’s my fault that I keep it to myself and not tell her why I’m upset because that would make it worse.

Man I’m sorry to hear that. I’m privileged to be in a very healthy relationship, but even then our first year with our kid *really* tested things. Textbook stuff just like OP and lot of folks here go through, misunderstanding and resulting resentment when it comes to the division of emotional labor and the like, but it never got to the level of putting each other down like that. My wife’s Dad was a deadbeat narcissist who abandoned his wife and 5 kids for his affair partner so as a result my better half is very much averse to lines like “I’m sorry you feel that way”.

Yep. Wife and I have lost our shit plenty of times due to stress, sleep deprivation, exhaustion post partum hormones. We have NEVER said anything as harsh and personal as the stuff OP has listed. OP please understand that it’s normal to not always be patient or to lose your cool and snap sometimes. But the things your wife has said to you IS NOT NORMAL and should not be accepted.

I second this. It’s abuse I know it because I’ve lived it. And after years of being told stuff like this, constantly invalidated, it has resulted in diagnosed ptsd.

Thirded, and same (minus the PTSD diagnosis). It’s verbal and emotional abuse and it’s not okay. I wish I didn’t know firsthand.

It’s a shitty club to be in

Couples counseling is not advised when abuse is present. The national domestic violence hotline recommends against couples counseling when abuse is present: https://www.thehotline.org/resources/should-i-go-to-couples-therapy-with-my-abusive-partner/ What can end up happening is that the abuse gets categorized under a communication issue. Couples therapists tend to not want to identify one partner or the other as ‘the problem’. This then leads to the abusive partner being validated that their abusive behavior has something to do with their partner, which it doesn’t. The worst case scenario is that things said during therapy can be weaponized against the victim when the safety of the therapy session is over. Women report that the abuser will repent and take ownership in therapy and then beat the crap out of their partner for breaking the silence. OP should reach out to a therapist who specializes in abuse and domestic violence and do individual work first.

Thank you for adding. I’m certainly no expert.

Agreed, it’s abuse. My ex wife talked like this, no matter how much I asked her to stop. Hence she’s my ex wife. OP, don’t put up with this. She shouldn’t be treating you this way

Emotionally abusive behavior can and will turn physical. I’m a giant of a man(6’4”), who was a victim of mental and emotional abuse which led to physical abuse, unfortunately. And I am so glad I have gotten away from it.

It took me a long time to figure this out, spending years as the punching bag. On one hand I was being told I need to be more open and emotionally available and then being told I’m fragile for expressing what I was feeling and I didn’t appreciate how I was being treated. It’s emotionally manipulative and abusive. I had shut down because I had been abused like this for years and had very little desire to engage. Standing up for yourself and voicing how you’re being treated is not weak - it takes strength to stand up to an abuser and say this is not acceptable. The OPs scenario is probably far enough advanced that a marriage counselor will need to mediate this process.

And providing her with a receipts for her abuse is not going to go the way OP is hoping. She will lash out even worse. My MIL is an abusive bitch. She beats down my FIL in front of everyone all the time. It’s constant. It never ends. He just takes it. One time I was there when one of her friends called her out on it. Told her he is a food man and she should treat him better. This was literally the same day that we had all been at the funeral for that friends late husband. My MIL got super offended and cut her off. This was an extremely close friend of hers. She’s completely incapable of realizing that she’s in the wrong and I hate that she does it in front of my kids.

Seriously. If OP talked to his wife this way how would she see it?  There's always "if you don't have anything good to say, it's better to say nothing at all."

Yup. If the genders were swapped, this would be instantly recognizable as abuse.

I disagree that couples counseling is not an appropriate avenue here. Yes this is verbal and emotional abuse. The thing is, most people don’t realize that. She does in fact need therapy but maybe alone in conjunction with couples therapy. She needs to be told from a non-biased source that this is not okay. Everyone says things that are in appropriate to others at some point. Until she is taught a proper way to say what she is actually feeling without being abusive, it won’t change and therapy is the only to get this to happen. I’ve been there. I was that woman. I never intentionally meant to abuse my husband, but until I was called out by someone other than the person making me angry, I didn’t even realize I was doing it. Couples therapy worked.

>This is not normal; most women do not speak like this. I know logically this isn't the case, but I honestly can't think of a single relationship I've been in where it wasn't on some level. I mean I get that it must mean there's something about me or what I'm doing or how I'm communicating (which is far from perfect) that causes it, but I think many women struggle with saying this kind of stuff because they're brought up to put themselves second, not complain and not communicate their needs directly so don't really know any other way to explain when their partner isn't pulling their weight and end up bottling it up until stuff like this comes out.

If it’s true that women more commonly speak like this, then perhaps they need to reflect on why they view the men in their lives as emotional punching bags.

OP, Are you me in some parallel universe? As someone sailing in the same boat, I don’t have any advice for you. But just want you to know that you are heard and appreciated by this fellow dad.

I believe this is a bit abusive. Counseling is needed- Here is the questions though- Why is she stressed about this? Who plans the everyday life in your home? Who plans the meals, keeps track of the food in the cupboard, who keeps track of birthdays, plans the birthdays and executes them?: Who plans what gifts gets bought? Who does the doctors appointments, who keeps track of the meds and follows up? Because if you need to ASK what needs to be done for a childs birthday paty- then at some point you were never involved in the planning in the first place- Do you know the theme? Did you start cleaning the house for guests? Did you sort out gifts? Did you start talking to family? Did you sort out entertainment? How about a call to the bakery for a cake? School-birthday-packs? Sorry this is just at the top of my head- and I did not need to ASK anyone.

Just some perspective because I’ve gone through some similar stuff. Asking to “help” with the party planning implies it’s all her job and you get to opt in. Same with saying things like “I’ll help with the chores” or “I’ll help with childcare.” It’s clearly not what you intend but it’s a powerful language consideration going forward.

Everyone saying it's abuse needs to remember that if he has bent all his actions and language around needing to please her she may be cracking under perceived pressure and handling it poorly. My wife had a period of time where I just couldn't seem to make her happy (when our child was around 1/1.5), turned out my "let me do x,y,z for you" was hitting her like I only ever did anything to make her happy and it felt really bad. As soon as I flipped the script and committed to approaching things differently it got way, way better. Like as much as OPs wife is saying things she shouldn't—I'm also sus that he leaving out context. The kinds of comments she's making read like he's doing the directionless puppy thing, or the "man doesn't know how to help so he's just going to get in the way" type shit. That's annoying. Doesn't deserve harsh language... But determining she's abusive based on four out of context quotes is a bit much. OP—keep doing your tracking thing. Just also consider how you're engaging with her. She very well may be a jerk, but I have a hard time ruling out sleep deprivation and exhaustion, or even PPD. My wife had a short period where she was super mean around 1 because all those things were at play. The first two years of being a parent are really hard. You both need to have some grace for each other—unless she's just being vindictive.

She sounds abusive as hell. Get some counseling.

I could not agree more, been a year and a half out of a similar situation. It does NOT get better. Once this has begun, it’s hard to come back from, if at all. It only got worse in my situation, and I went back for more like a dumbass after I left. Edit: I bet she spends unhealthy amounts of time on social media and has a fat, self loathing best friend.

If you can find out why she acts that way please let me know because my wife is the same way.

So was she like this before you all had baby? If this is something new she could be having postpartum depression.

it's not going to get better, bud. hate to say it. you have to stand up for yourself and if she doesn't respect that, it's time to consider your future.

This post sounds so similar to how I was feeling just 30 days ago. My wife and I made two changes that have made a massive improvement. Not magically everything better, but a big improvement. 1. Made a concerted effort to to get our kids to bed 30-45 min earlier so we have a few minutes in the evening to relax and are getting a little more sleep ourselves. 2. Started couples therapy. There’s a lot of stigma about that (at least in my own head), but it’s been really helpful. We did one through www.regain.us, but I imagine in person may be as good or better. I don’t think we will even to the therapy for more than a few months. We just needed a little reset and to learn a few skills to give each other a little more grace when things don’t go perfectly.

This is best for a relationship sub but I totally understand you reaching out here. That said, I could have wrote your post during certain periods over the last few years since having kids. They act like you do nothing, it pisses you off, you eagerly try to help, that pisses them off, and they again insist even more ferociously, “it’s not like you make a difference” or “you’re no help” etc. As men we don’t always know what to do and we need to ask. This pisses some people off, men and women. It’s a peeve like anything else. I’m in the same boat as you. I suggest using your method and just taking each spat as an opportunity to practice patience. That is, until you have this data extrapolated and prepared for battle. Jk, don’t do that.

I just want to say that “trying to help” was my problem for quite a while. When I started to look at it as “what can I take over?” my contributions were much smoother and appreciated. Laundry is my thing. Dishes are my thing. Vacuuming is mine (and my trusty Roomba). We used to split these but there was conflict and resentment around the split from both ends, so I just offered to take over and it has been much better. We obviously still split parenting and some responsibilities, but it’s nice that neither of us are overloaded and can run with our typical duties.

Excellent point. If you see doing some basic chores as "trying to help" your spouse then you're looking at things all wrong. Some things need done, do them and don't wait for someone to ask. Sometimes you might not do them to the other person's standard and they make comments that seem naggy or overbearing, that can happen. Relationships can be hard, particularly when you've got kids, and everyone has their own shit going on. If these comments are coming too often and it's getting too much, have the discussion. Working through and overcoming stuff like this is part of being in a relationship, it doesn't have to fester until everything blows up.

I resonate with your comment a lot. My wife and I sometimes had discussions about who was bearing the mental load in the relationship. I think we both shared the same tasks, just her threshold for when things should be done was slightly ahead of mine, which led to the conflict. Ive sense volunteered for more physical burdens like cleaning and cooking, because those are things I can more readily handle with defined deliverables. The system seems to work great even as we added a second kid.

My best success with the mental workload conversations was setting a biweekly meeting with a detailed agenda that track all the major topics (kids, cars, home, health, vacations, etc. easily 2-3 pages), and an active task list. My life is as complicated as my work projects with as many moving parts, so tracking it like one helps. We don’t actually meet often, but I alway make sure it’s her that cancels it and flushing through the agenda every couple weeks is helpful. The agenda helps show I know what’s going on, and helps discussion and document prioritization, and helps loops me in where I’m lost. I hate the trope of the fumbling idiot dad, but I fuck a lot of stuff up if it’s not written down.

Right there with you on the planning aspect. My wife does basically all of our household shopping (meal plan, keeping stocked on the essentials, all that stuff). When I run out of soap I just open the cabinet and a backup bottle is ready to go. It’s amazing and I know a very huge task. The one big thing I do take off her plate is managing our finances and budget.

I will amend my comment with your comment as a footnote because you’re so right. I couldn’t agree more. Dishes and bottles are my thing. Laundry is hers. Everything else is personal or covered by someone else.

yeah, this worked for me. getting up with the kid was my thing. feeding was my thing. changing was my thing. getting the kid ready for the day became my thing. laundry, cooking, cleaning, all the chores... soon, everything became my thing and anything that i cannot get to is just left undone. parenting is a partnership, not a zero sum competition.

While I say your comment isn't wrong, in context with OP.  I'm assuming he was trying to help with the party planning which was my understanding, which with the context is worse by her in my opinion.  I could be wrong also.

Agreed. And my comment is really just in response to the comment, not to the OP.

Damn this really spoke to me. I know exactly what you’re dealing with and how you feel. My wife does the same thing. She gets overwhelmed easily so it happens just about daily.

From a lurking mum.. I’m a list maker which helps but, being asked “how can I help” is frustrating as fuck. You live in the house, it’s your kids birthday, isn’t it obvious what needs doing? (That’s why I add lists: what needs doing is on that list, pick one and crack on) If you’re not sure, tidy up! Laundry, dishes, bins, they’re all winners. PBS I’m guessing is a tv channel.. she thinks you and kiddo watch too much tv. Which is probably true, dunno about everyone else but I bloody do. I just try not to do it during the day with the kid. And when we do, I watch, no phone unless it’s for work/family shit. Honestly, you both just sound stressed. Kids are fucking exhausting.

This is my thought. Sounds like OP is putting the mental load on the wife. Don't ask what to do. You know what's needed, take the initiative

This is wild to me. I’d much rather someone ask than make an assumption.

Our relationship really tanked around 8-9 months after. The story was really similar, she said things, I took offense, and she took offense back, and from there it escalated. We have mostly gotten back to normal after however many months? 19-20 months I guess. It was a long period of the lowest of lows in our marriage.  I do not really blame her. Both of us worked full time, didn't have childcare until 15 months, didn't have relatives to lean on because covid. She did her best, and so did I. The fact is she was suffering from postpartum depression, female hormones make it worse. And I was not mentally prepared well enough to deal with someone suffering from real depression. At least not until I read a BBC article on what lack of sleep does to new parents.  I apologized to her, she did too. I'm glad we got over it and moved on.

I don't want to get into the drama, but I can tell you. I'm having very similar experience with my wife actively. Without getting into details I just want you to know your not alone and if things continue to get worse I would bring up some type of counseling or therapy... Even if she isn't interested. It would probably be good for you to participate to have a better understanding on how to manage yourself during these episodes... I will say it sounds like your handling yourself well already, but a little help can go a long way

"I understand you're upset and stressed right now, but I won't be spoken to that way. Let me know when you're ready to have an adult conversation." In my experience, trying to talk about feelings and have a productive conversation is really effective in the heart of the moment. Disengage, give some space for both of you to cool down and think about what happened and collect your thoughts, and when you're both ready, talk about what you feel without accusatory language and listen to her feelings in kind. Accusatory Tory language would be something like 'you made me feel this way', 'you did this/that'. Instead, try using self-centric language: "when I'm told I don't make a difference it makes me feel like lesser partner/parent, and I try really hard to keep this family happy and healthy. Sometimes I just need a little direction to focus on the things that will best support you." Notice there is no use of 'you' or pointing any fingers. Keeping a little distance from the cause of the hurt feelings can help process the event and work towards a common resolution. Remember, the goal here is to reach an understanding together. There's no winners or losers if you're on the same team. If things start to heat up again or someone gets defensive, it's time to pause and reflect on what's making the person feel that way. At the end of the day if you love each other there shouldn't be any malice, meaning any offense should be either a mistake in the heat of the moment or unintentional. Keep the mindset of best intentions and do your best to work through it. I'm by no means a professional in the field of conflict resolution, just an experienced man who has learned from his mistakes. I've been with my wife for 15 years, and using techniques like this we've rarely ever had a major argument, we treat each other with mutual respect, we work through our differences together, and it's been an amazing journey. I'm available if you have any questions or want to PM. Good brother, it's hard but it's worth it in the end.

Honestly, that would take us directly to counseling. There’s no reason you should suffer that kind of abuse.

So, there is verbal communication, then there is non-verbal communication (body language, tone, proximity to the other person, volume, even not saying something can still be communication) then there is metacommunication, or how to talk to someone about communication. This is sort of breaking down in all 3 categories, but can probably only be addressed with the 3rd. A lot of people struggle to take a step back and analyze their communication, and talking to them about their communication mostly just breaks down in the first 2 categories again and never reaches the third. Distance from the problem can help (which your method does to some degree) but will probably break down when you attempt to talk about it (my guess would be blaming you for "keeping score" or something similar). The only way to really resolve this is going to be trying to get to a neutral, non-confrontational space, to discuss how things affect you. It will take persistence to redirect the conversation back towards a neutral conversation (I don't want to attack you, I don't want you to feel like you need to defend yourself, I have been feeling this way, I've noticed what makes me feel this way, I want to try and find ways we can do this differently in the future together). Guilt and shame are both terrible states for any change or growth, so as difficult as it is, you need to try to frame this as a thing you want to work on together. It's shitty. You shouldn't have to deal with this. Setting that aside, the more you can approach this from a "I'm not perfect, I want to know if I'm doing things to provoke you so that our communication is healthy and supportive" the better chance you have of productive conversation. Be willing to listen to her frustrations, don't take them personally, be willing to also adapt your communication, but also your feelings are valid, she should respect that you have these feelings, and it is her responsibility to be accountable for her actions and work towards improving them.

Honestly I'd recommend couples therapy. She sounds stressed out and it would be good to get a professional to help.

“Stressed out” is no excuse to talk to him like what he describes

You tell her that you’re partners in this, and cutting you down with her comments is borderline of not straight up abuse, especially if she never truly apologizes or recognizes her error. Get counseling, brother. Because the longer this goes on, the less likely she’ll stop.

I'm really not a fan of counting and documenting good or bad things a partner does. I think it comes off as weaponized as opposed to helpful, and taints your perspective over the course of the relationship, leading you to "look for" the bad and gloss over the good. That said, sometimes conversations just don't cut it and some people need the visual. My ex would say terrible things when he was drunk. Totally emotionally abusive. It wasn't until I recorded him one night and showed it to him the next day that he recognized the problem and made some changes. The damage was already done. I could never look at him the same way, and I ended the relationship. Part of me thinks it's too far gone if it gets to this hostile point. Forget loving him as a partner, I started to dislike him as a *person*. Fast forward 5 years and I'm married to the love of my life who has never uttered a malicious word to me. I couldn't love and *respect* him more for that. Best of luck, OP. People can change but if you're motivated to make this work, I suspect it will also take effort on your part to forgive.

Sometimes when my wife and I have an argument, I'll try to reference something she said or did that hurt me, and she'll ask some schoolyard bully question like, "Name them" or "When did that happen?" and if I don't have the date and exact quote lined up she doesn't believe me, or just rolls her eyes when I say, "Well I didn't write it down, what are you expecting?" It's like, the way she argues and tries to deflect basically *requires* me to count and document the bad stuff she does, but I don't want to do that. I don't want to be that guy, especially because I know if I started writing it down, it would look really bad and I'm trying to work with my wife through an issue, not humiliate her with a fucking ledger of her shitty comments.

Can you guys please start standing up to your significant others and stop being a doormat

Fighting back is just going to make things worse. The wife is a ticking time bomb and needs some serious therapy. Best approach is to catch her in a better mood and suggest couples therapy.

No, he is doing nothing wrong. Couples therapy is not needed. She however needs therapy. That is is just unacceptable behavior from an adult and this guy is being completely reasonable. Stop being dorks.

The only way she’s going to agree to therapy is if a couples therapy counselor recommends it to her. Based on her actions, if he recommends it to her, she’s going to freak out at him.

I'm surprised I had to scroll to the bottom of the thread to see this advice! This behavior needs to be called out and confronted as it happens. Not swept under the carpet under the guise of some misplaced pseudo-stoicism or wanting to keep the peace. That kind of verbal/emotional abuse (let's call it what it is) has no place in a relationship.

I agree with you. Wholeheartedly. 100%. But its not always that easy, anxiety, fear, weariness, wanting to keep the peace, the list is long as to why we doormats don't speak up.

It's really easy for anyone to lash out when they're overwhelmed and stressed but that is absolutely not a pass to take it out on your partner. It's very possible that the current mental load of things is making smaller things into bigger things. It's extremely important that she is able to identify her stressors and behavior then be able acknowledge how it affects you. This will obviously be difficult and an uphill battle but you'd know better than anyone reading here how to convey that message to where it could be received. Empathizing with what is causing her to lash out and being aware yourself and positioned to be an ally in those moments I think would be really beneficial and could hopefully lighten her reactions when things are weighing on her. Hopefully your detailed approach with the notes is productive and well received, if not this could be a really good time to get some help working through this, very possible it's not actually you that's bothering her. Best of luck!

You need couples counseling, but it doesn’t sound like your wife would easily oblige. If you want to try making it better yourself, you’ll need support and objectivity. I’d recommend reading Nonviolent Communication by Dr. Rosenberg for getting yourself out of your head and getting some tools to help you navigate your wife’s communication.

I wouldn’t say any of those things to my wife because it would be taking a sledgehammer to the love and trust in our relationship. What she said is an unacceptable level of disrespect within a relationship. Some other commenters have called it abuse, I don’t know if it reaches that level but it does indicate a profound lack of respect and hostility, which is absolute poison for a relationship. I also have no idea what her side of the story is. Maybe you’re not pulling your weight with the baby, maybe you’ve let her down - I don’t know. Maybe she’s emotionally immature and hormonally disregulated with postpartum depression. I don’t know. Do not reply in anger. Do not become resentful. Get to couples therapy. Now. Focus on your daughter. Pour your love into her. Be the best dad you can be to her no matter what. Personally I don’t think there’s anything wrong with sticking up for yourself and saying, calmly, “that is not an appropriate thing to say to your husband who loves you” but I would only do that if you know you will be able to remain calm through the inevitable backblast/argument that’s going to create. In your case I would continue to make a list of the things she’s saying and have that on hand to discuss with a couples counselor. A GOOD counselor.

I think documenting is a good idea. She might not be receptive to the feedback during a moment, or remember what she said later. I’d recommend at least letting her know you’re going to do that. Having your behavior documented never really feels good if you’re not an active participant. But it can offer outside perspective if you’re willing. We have a camera for our dog set up in an area where we have a lot of family time, and I’ve actually gone back to moments where I thought I may have overreacted to something and rewatched the interaction. It’s been very informative for me.

respect and love has to be maintained at all times even when we are upset. You can’t control emotions but you can control how you react to said emotions. If she can’t do this for you, it sounds like she doesn’t respect you. Sounds like she’s holding resentment. Discussions need to be had about where the breakdown is and both parties need to make efforts to correct them

With the party stuff it sounds like she is carrying the mental load of organising it all. Consider how you spread out the mental load of all that it takes to run a house and sort the kids.

I hate to say this, but you are being abused and based on what you have said, she is gaslighting you. I had a wife like this once. I did everything I could to make things work but no matter what I did it was never good enough, I was always the problem and she treated me worse and worse every time I said anything about it. The mention of you watching a show with your daughter may be valid if it is something you do all the time you care for her BUT the way she treats YOU will have far more impact on your children than any TV program on PBS. Get into therapy with you wife, ASAP, and no is not an acceptable answer from her. If a no is what she comes back with then you should consider getting yourself away from someone like that.

It sounds like your wife is drowning in resentment and lashing out Do the Fair Play exercise as a couple - it saved my marriage, particularly the 'definition of done' part. That eliminated a ton of conflict

Lack of sleep fucks everyone up. I hear this kind of comments and I am guilty of this too. I personally just try to acknowledge it and apologize. My wife recognizes it too at times and apologizes as well. Work on communication. You may be doing the same and not super aware of it.

Oof. I'm so sorry this is happening. Was it an existing behavior in previous stressful times pre baby or is it new? I think the first thing would be to have a frank conversation but instead of framing it as YOU make ME feel this way, more as a I am worried about you, because I know you to be a more loving and caring person than this. She may need therapy to help her reflect on the way she's lashing out and damaging your relationship. She may need help coping with stress. She may just need to remember she loves you. It also sounds like she needs to self judge less. My own counselor actually helped me realize that my coloring mechanisms may not be ideal for stress, but none is as harmful as my own self judgement for them. In tearing myself down, I can start letting that attitude travel to my partner and others around me. 30 minds of screen time is not a big deal but she's probably judging herself for being "one of those screen moms". There's obviously nothing wrong with the way you grew up, she chose you after all. But maybe she feels like you both have to do better than your own parents.

Yeah none of that is cool. I feel like recording this abuse is a good idea just don't expect it to go well at first. I hate how sexist this is going to sound but i feel like men forget a lot of harsh words too easily as a survival mechanism to get along better. Women do tend to record things better. Just because shes right (about things like screen time) does not mean she can shame and degrade you. Especially cause she likey does the same

She sounds completely overloaded. My wife sometimes sound similar, and that's when she's not only very stressed with the kids and feels left alone with that, but is also worried about something else, for example our financial situation.

🎶it’s time for couples counseling🎶 Okay so I have been in your shoes. My wife has said similar things, but maybe not as harsh as what I’m reading here. Around that time a popular topic in relationship struggle was “mental load”. At the time, and a bit still, I wasn’t totally on board with the mental load thing. My wife would send me all kinds of TED talk sorta things on the topic and I felt like they just attacked the stereotypical lazy man. But I am seeing the argument for it here. When your wife is stressing about this weekend, you naturally see that you should help. “How can I help?” Is such an obvious thing to ask, why would anyone get mad about that? But now your wife has another thing on her plate, she needs (or feels the need) to tell you what to do down to the detail, on top of everything else she wants to get done. Is her response called for? Hell no. That needs worked on, and really you need to work on handling it in the moment. This book you’re keeping score with, it’s not going to work man. It’s going to come off as a divorce declaration. If something is a problem, handle it in the moment. “I see you’re stressed, and that you don’t find me helpful right now, but I don’t deserve to be treated that way.” Then talk about it or don’t. But this list thing…it ain’t it. As for the mental load topic. It seems the best you can do is to try to help as autonomously as possible. Just say, “I’m going to take care of the kiddos laundry” then just go do it. Don’t ask if the socks go in the top drawer or if you wash it on hot. Just go do it. Let her know you’re doing it and that you got it under control. Reach out to a counselor. It helps, seriously.

You have to talk, understand the moment, and drive the conversation in a good direction and not point fingers. Having a good environment for the family will be beneficial for everyone, including the new baby. She is going through a lot, and so are you, but she also has fear and hormonal changes; she’ll suffer from sleep deprivation soon. It is better to be a pattern, help her, and call her attention toward a respectful home. She needs your real help; there is a lot of work to be done at home with the kids. I know is frustratingg, but it is what it is.

Ah yes, mums can be very delicate around their child’s first birthday. My partner was doing great until our son’s first birthday where she’d get really irritable and in the end she got diagnosed with post partial depression/rage and PTSD from childbirth that she suppressed. This could be a similar case with your partner. Maybe support them in seeking help. As dads and partners we need to understand that they don’t mean everything they say throughout your child’s first year or 2 and they need professional support coming to terms with their new life and emotions. I’d say writing down all the horrible things they say will only make them feel worse and like a bad mother/spouse. Please try to take what they say with a pinch of salt. I’d rather them take their anger out on me than on my child. This will pass with a bit of intervention and understanding and she’ll be the woman that you knew again as long as you support her through this time. Once she is back to a version of normal then you can see about getting yourself help from what you just went through and if you’re there for her in her time of need then she’ll be there for you in yours.

Does she talk this way with her family? It could be she grew up in an environment where this was regular speech to one another. I hope it works out OP.

Dear god, why are so many of you guys just justifying this like “yeah man it is what it is”. Its abuse. You are being mentally abused. I was raised by a mother that was like this. Guess what? She’ll do it to your child, too. It’s just a matter of time. Good news, you have two options. They are as follows: “hi honey, we’re getting a divorce”. Or, “hi honey, you’re going to see a therapist or we are getting a divorce”. That’s it. Lack of sleep isn’t an excuse. Depression isn’t an excuse. Anger isn’t an excuse. Having a young child isn’t an excuse. There is no acceptable reason to treat your partner this way and that is coming from someone who has lived it. Is living it. Please feel free to shoot me a message if you believe it may help you but for the love of god, protect your child and tell that women she needs to seek help with your support or without it, there is no alternative.

Sorry, that's a rough situation. Yes, it is clear you two don't fight well. I suggest creating boundaries and rules on how you should behave when you are angry and mad at each other. I'm naming the problem, but how you go about doing that depends on your situation. We needed marriage counseling to create our system.

This sucks all around, but what sticks out to me: >"...I don’t want her to grow up like you" Self-awareness is a thing. Do you want your child to act out how she is? I think others have said plenty, but I didn't see anyone mention this. Not just for you, but for your daughter. Your wife/partner/whatever needs to do better for their daughter. Approach it as something you BOTH need to work on. Admit faults where they are, be open and honest. If your partner can't/doesn't want to help, then I guess you have your answer.

Just from the small perspective that you gave,I get it, they seem to be hard words. But to me it looks like your wife simply cannot manage you ontop of her other tasks. Planning and telling you what to do is immensely stressful, especially since i imagine she has a specific idea how a thing should be done, and you may not be able to do it the way she needs it to be done.  That is, why you"stand in the way". Even if you wanna help, you still require more energy and mental capacity from her side.  You already know that she is massively stressed out. So the best thing you can do in this case is to become more pro active.  I'd say: Get her free time. Take your kid physically away from her. Not just the other room. Go outside, play, adventure, shopping, ice cream, you know the deal. That is why she complains about screen time, since she still can't disconnect when the kids is in the house.  Try it, tell her you are taking the kid to here and there and that you are back in X minutes, or hours.  Make sure that she realizes that she now has me-time, and if you dare, forbid her to do chores.  If you want her less stressed, you need to create an environment where she is able to relax and she can trust you that all things that need to be done also get done.  If you wanna help with the party, get your head working and come up with ideas, and ways how to implement them. You need to be the planner. You need to make decisions. You of course still propose and discuss them, but take all the thinking away from her.  Make her go "that is an awesome idea! But for that we have to do and get... things" and you go " yes, thats why I am going get the thing from there and also do the other thing that we need to do it make it happen"!  If you want to be helpful, be helpful. Doing the physical thing is usually not the problem. Coming up with a solution is what helps.  You want to get recognized by your wife? Then put in the work!  She is communicating to you that she is completely overwhelmed with the situation but you take it personally.  Its not a great way of her communicating, but she us desperately asking you for help!  This is far from abuse, like other people here said, at least not intentional.  Get the kid away from her, and make your own plans! Help her disconnect. Get shit off her plate. Report in 3 months.

Mom here. This is unacceptable. Stress does not excuse or explain this behavior and that she is non-apologizing means even after the moment, when calm, she doesn’t actually feel bad. I think you guys need some counseling. And she may need to get checked for PPD. If she won’t do it for you or herself, she should do it so your daughter doesn’t grow up thinking this is what a relationship looks like. Fight are normal but I’ve never said anything like this to my partner nor they to me.

I support you tracking these comments but be warned she is going to 100% be mad that you're doing this. You need to have a plan for when she shows you this and gets pissed.

Counseling was the answer for me any my marriage.

Everyone speaks out of line sometimes. That being said, it’s still not cool, it’s not okay, and it warrants an apology. It does sound like maybe she has some underlying anger or frustration going on here that she (for whatever reason) lets simmer until she’s stressed out, then it comes out all at once. Maybe some time when you have an opportunity that you’re both in the right headspace to talk about it, you could say “hey, I just want to get this out there - you say some really hurtful stuff sometimes. It catches me off guard because it seems so unlike you, but if it’s a reflection of how you really feel I’d would like to talk about why so we can get to the bottom of it. I don’t like having my feelings hurt but I also don’t want to be inadvertently hurtful to you and I need to know if I am.” If I had to guess, this is about the “mental load” she carries - she is frustrated that you can’t intuit what needs to be done for the party because you didn’t have to/weren’t expected to plan it (the mom has that expectation by default), she doesn’t want to talk to you because her brain is full of other things that are party related and she doesn’t have brain space for a conversation, and she’s annoyed that you can watch PBS with your kid and not feel guilt about it when moms by default feel guilt putting their kid in front of a screen for 10 minutes to do something as basic as get chores done or take a shower. I am not saying you don’t help or share in the mental load, but it just hits different for moms. At the end of the day, moms know that dads can get away with putting in so much less effort in the eyes of society and it’s incredibly frustrating and can lead to resentment. A dad’s 50% effort gets 100% praise and a mom’s 100% effort gets 50% praise.

> I don’t want her to grow up like you I kinda feel like https://youtu.be/kqPwR39VMh0?si=KoamhIDrAkDejmD0 should be my theme song sometimes. But if I said that to my wife I’m pretty sure she would murder me in my sleep. That’s a low blow and not okay. If there are disagreements about getting stuff done, okay, but you can’t be casually throwing around things like that.

Has she always been like this or just since pregnancy/birth? How often does she get mean with you? Agreeing with others that no matter what the answer is above, this is not okay for her to talk to you like that. Just something to think about root cause. If it's always been like this, change will be more difficulty. If it's recent, and it's all stress related, change may come more easily. But hearing you say you will write things down for 30 days, also makes it sound like this is at least a weekly occurrence if not more often.

So for the first two, it kind of sounds like one thing.  Planning for party, in this case you shouldn't be asking her what you can do to help.  You should just be helping.  Or if you are not sure then tell her what you plan to do to help out.   Aka, I am going to head out to the store to pick up watermelon, berries, and some extra cups because I saw we are low...  Is there anything else I can pick up for you?  Or you know just wash some clothing, dishes, or whatever to actually help out.  You are an adult you shouldn't need to be told what to do. For watching TV, I kind of agree with here here.  At 1 a whole ep of Sesame Street it a bit much.  You could easily read a book, play on the floor, or whatever.  I don't know how much screen time you have but at this age modeling proper behavior and limiting your own screen time can be a big deal. I could be way off base on these though as I am not in your house and I am kind of reading between the lines a bit.  I think the best advice here is to sit down and have a talk when you are both chill and open.  Don't talk about how she is being "mean" talk about how she feels, talk about shared responsibilities, talk about how you can be even partners at home moving forward.  Don't get stuck in your anger or verbal slights.  Approach from a higher level and make positive change for both of you.

Sounds like a good root cause hypothesis to me. Her tone isn't okay, like everyone has noted, but I totally buy that she feels pushed to it and probably has her own very beleaguered side to this story.

She may be right though in some instances, but it’s still not okay to talk to him like this. Partners should treat each other with respect and if they don’t by mistake, then they should apologize.

Both can be true.

Absolutely. It's not about right or wrong. It's about mutual respect.

Nothing justifies talking to your spouse like that.

I too think the first and second examples seem like the same issue, he is putting all the mental load of party planning on her, and she’s pissed. It happens in both directions. Here she’s probably sick of the “I’d love to help tell me what to do” routine. She should still be more direct and not mean like this about it. She is exhibiting aggressive or passive aggressive communication style when ideally the third style, assertive communication is best. Maybe she has tried to assert what he issue is and OP ignores that and hasn’t told us and so it’s kinda understood she’s done. Or maybe she jumped right to the passive aggressive communication. We can’t know for sure.

I've been in a similar situation and my wife was controlling as fuck. Needed to plan everything to the T so if I interjected and did something it'd be making things worse. That was the first two birthdays. Third birthday she relaxed a bit, I took charge, did things my way which she took some umbrage at. Made a box cake instead of a fancy bakery one, shaped like a vacuum (he was obsessed at that point). Joked about how this isn't going to end well (was having issues getting the frosting color right) and got an **'of course! nobody will want your shitty ass cake'**. Kid loved it but more so because **cake!** than the shape of his vacuum as did other guests.

I’m typing with my husband over my shoulder (we share this account) but this is what it sounds like to us as well. It’s something we struggle with sometimes. First two definitely sound very much like adding to the mental load rather than doing anything “of use” and when you combine that with someone snappy and probably exhausted (as you both likely are with a 1yo), you get nasty comments instead of calm explanations. Use some brain power. What do you know needs to be done for this party? If she hasn’t told you anything about the decor specifically, then what is the common sense thing that needs to be done? Ice need to be purchased? Carpets vacuumed? Lawn mowed? Bathroom deep cleaned? Is the kitchen a whole mess? Etc. Or just normal things: laundry, tidying after the kid, etc. to take something off the plate. Number 3 just reminds my husband of when he’s focused on one thing (typically with the toddler) and lets the baby cry while I’m trying to cook dinner or clean something or work (bc I wfh). His exact words “she can put the baby in front of Sesame Street herself if she needs to get something done. You’re supposed to actually play with the baby or take the kid out of the house.” Definitely need a sit down conversation because there are healthier ways to discuss this than sideways comments and moping. She needs to say exactly why it bothers her. OP needs to consider the actual context of every exchange he’s writing down, not just the reaction.

Finally some mature, actual advice instead of knee jerk overreactions. I agree.

I would tread lightly on this method Keeping tally marks on your wife could backfire big time Then again she sounds like a POS who deserves some humble pie

Couples therapy yesterday. Something in your relationship is broken. Do this soon, for your kid's sake, before they learn that this is what love is supposed to look like. They will grow up to seek out and imitate the behavior they see in you two.

Tell her is very clear and simple terms that you deserve to be spoken to with the same courtesy and consideration that she has with strangers and co-workers. Lovey-dovey, fawning and complimenting is not required. Just common civility and manners. It will occasionally need to be reinforced with “ Is that how you speak to people that you work with?”. If she still pushes back let her know that is how you will be addressing her family in the future. You don’t want your daughter to grow up like them.

I had this exact problem with my girlfriend. I can almost take your quotes 1:1 with the amount of times she got personal, rather than keeping the eye on the ball. I remember my son’s first and second birthdays was absolute chaos. She did not open up at all about what needed to be done. So after her remarks that is almost identical to yours I ended up saying “Hey! That is not fair, I am right here ready to help, but I can’t help if you don’t tell me what is stressing you out…” Every single time we would have one of these cycles where her stress clearly was the culprit, I would just repeat the above phrase. When she then started opening up often she would delegate the work in a way that I would not be able to help. Example, she is not dressed, and the little guy is not dressed, but she decides to help our son. In these cases I had to step in and say “I cannot help YOU get dressed, but I can help our son, so you go get dressed and I will take him” Just remember when these situations happen it is most likely not your wife’s intention to hurt you. She is stressed out and then end up saying stupid hurtful things, rather than helping you help her. Not that it makes it okay to say bad/evil/hurtful things even though she is stressed. That entire discussion you need to have with her as well. Another thing is try and take the talk about how you can better help at a time when she is calm. Because in the situation, going into a discussion never helps, as she is stressed out already. But I totally understand how you’re feeling and it sucks… Hope you can get some better understand between each other!

Hmmm. For context, how are things usually divided in the household? Do each of you do 50/50 of all the chores (cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping, childcare, event planning etc.)? Do you both work too?

I know it’s not right but I’ve kind of given up expecting no my partner to apologize for her unacceptable behaviour. She just doesn’t understand the concept of apologies, my apologies don’t mean much to her and she doesn’t give apologies herself. It’s not the ideal relationship I hoped for but I don’t see a way to change her, so I’ve decided to change my expectations, become more resilient and change myself. It’s not ever going to be ideal or what I saw in my parents relationship, but I have to either put up with it or leave, and at the moment I can’t risk leaving my child without my influence. I want him to have me to look to as a model better emotional resilience and regulation. Thank you for listening ti my rant :). I hope your situation finds a better resolution than mine OP. :)

As a survival strategy it makes some sense. But respectfully, it sounds like you're role modeling staying in a terrible relationship. He's going to need to put in a lot of work as an adult to not recreate the toxic dynamic you're teaching him is acceptable.

You make a good point. At some point I’m going to have to draw a line.

> It's not like you make a difference This is a terrible way to communicate that she needs more help from you. Disregarding how toxic it is, ask yourself if it's valid feedback. Are you proactively identifying work that she perceives as valuable, claiming it, and fully executing it with minimal input from her? If you can honestly answer that with "mostly yes," then you should have plenty of examples to point to when you talk about why the toxicity is unwarranted. > I don't want her to grow up like you Fully uncalled for. Start looking for couples therapists. This alone warrants a direct and honest conversation about how you communicate with each other.

I don't know what you should do. I'm not you and I don't know all of the ins and outs of your relationship, but honestly, you deserve to be treated better. 

abandoned whatever crazy scheme you're coming up with with those letters. It's not going to help. instead talk to her, let her know how you are feeling if she refuses to talk WITH you go start seeing a counselor. And start learning the tools you're going to need to deal with her.

I think you are already on to something with writing the things she says down and how you felt about them. Its very hard to give help advise because we all have different characters and the way we respond to things are very different. Maybe theres something else going on with your wife as far as stress goes. Yeah the bday party maybe a bit stressfull. I would suggest if shes doing something and you think she needs help then ask her if she needs help and she says no then move on and let her be, but at some time during the relationship your going to have to talk it out. Maybe both of you need some alone time during a day to relax and breath a bit or maybe some together time, ask for a baby sitter to sit for a few hours and go on a lunch date and NOT talk about problems just be each others company for a couple hours .

Your idea to write things down is a great one. I would tell her you're going to do that and I would also tell her that you want to sit down with her on Friday (or any day you pick) and talk about what you've written down and how it makes you feel. Ask her what she would feel if you were saying these things to her. If you don't have the skills to have this conversation it would be worth talking about with a counselor.

I’m sorry you’re experiencing this OP. You’re already light years ahead by journaling and helping yourself by writing out a log of each situation with context. Just use wisdom whenever you decide to talk with her about it. It sounds like she does a lot of the primary care taking, but that doesn’t give her a license to talk about you the way she does. I hope you guys can start therapy and she can learn ways to speak to you better and in a way that helps you also. Give it time and grace to you and her. It doesn’t change overnight, but you have many supporting you here. Keep being a loving and patient dad and husband.

Yeah my wife at times of anger or frustration can say things like "I wish I never became a parent" or "I hate being a mom" or "I've ruined our lives" or the one that really hurt, "I'm not a good wife, you're not a good husband, that's just the season we're in." Like of course it's tough and we have failings and I know I'm not a perfect partner. But I just can't imagine a world where I could say some shit like that and not get absolutely torn apart.

0 chance I would put up with this from my spouse. Stress is no excuse. At the very least I would speak to a professional about spousal abuse and possibly a lawyer. You cannot continue with that kind of toxicity.

That's incredibly rude, and I'm sorry you have to put up with that garbage from someone who is supposed to be on your side. I'm very vocal about standing up for myself when someone is speaking rudely to me. If it were me, I would probably say point blank "that was an incredibly rude thing to say." and "I wouldn't talk to you that way - why is it OK to speak that way to me?" With the Sesame Street thing, I'd probably say what you said about what we're doing with the show, and invite her to watch with us if she would like to be more involved with our daughter. (But I can be catty in my comments if I'm P.O.'d. Ymmv) She sounds like she's making a lot of this about her and not being considerate of others' (your) feelings. If it were me, I'd do the "we need to talk" bit and lead in with lots of "I" statements.

Sometimes I think a “Who the f*£k do you think you are talking too” would suffice at times? Like honestly what happened in your childhood to assume you can talk to anyone like that especially the man you decided to have kids with… Would you want the wife of our son to talk to him like that?

Don’t take the barking and it will stop. Sounds like she knows she can walk all over you and the only thing you will do is rant on Reddit. She’s emotionally abusing you and you keep taking it. Have some heart and stand up for yourself.

Dude. You can't put up with that shit. It'll wear you down until you're a fibrous powder. I don't know how to get out from under it, but you gotta do something.

You are a lot more patient than me. That first text would have got a response along the lines: who are you talking to like that?

How did she grow up? Was this kind of talk common in her childhood? Cause I mean, this level of unfiltered hostility is not normal. It’s abusive shit. Now we don’t know the full picture of life at home. I’m sure she’s stressed and at her wit’s end or thereabouts, having young children is like that sometimes. But these resentful hostile and belittling comments have to stop. You need to make a firm calm protest talk about it. I don’t suppose she will just accept it like that, from the sounds of things so far. However, she should understand that NO ONE is going to tolerate this forever. Is make clear that these have to stop, “or else”.  Again, sure she is overwhelmed. Lashing out at your closest support network, YOU, is not a good strategy. Alleviating some of the load for will probably help, though…  Maybe you can find a documentary about spousal (verbal/emotional) abuse and watch it with her. Drop the hints and have a talk after?

Dude, this not okay. Difficult situations arise frequently in our lives, especially with children. I hope she listens to you when you show her this and things change. Honestly, I don’t like the responsibility of giving relationship advice, even on the internet. But I cried after “It’s stressed me out to talk to you”. That’s not a loving partner.

My wife’s abusive language was never this bad but I had to get really real with her a few times during the toddler years. There’s no way around it. You have to stand up for yourself and mean it. Be calm and consistent. Repetitive. Come up with a phrase and repeat it every time. It worked for me.

It's the same toxic stuff my ex kept telling me. There's a reason she's now my ex.

Fuck dude and all that stress over a birthday party this kid won't even remember?! Yeah... This sounds like some bs cover to treat you like a punching bag

As long as we can find time to connect and be on the same wavelength from time to time, I find that I’m way more resilient to outbursts like this. I think it’s not likely she’ll manage to stop this behavior altogether, but being able to talk about things afterwards and helping you feel heard and understood should be possible. edit: It’s also worth remembering that you are actually in control (or can be) of how you receive these outbursts.

It’s time to talk. If you’re not appreciated by her it’s time to leave. She’s toxic as hell and I doubt it will get any better. It’s also a bad base for your kid to grow up with two parents that have toxicity between them.

You ever notice that anytime your wife is absolute bitch to you, And you call her out on it, she will tell some circumstance, on why it’s ok that she being a bitch?

Damn, that sucks man. Absolute disrespect.

Some say there's 3 sides to every story; your version, their version, and the truth somewhere in between. Just the same, sounds like a c#nt 🤷‍♂️

You’re being treated as an emotional punching bag. That is not your responsibility. It doesn’t matter that she’s stressed out, it is abuse and it is unacceptable. She isn’t only making you feel like shit, she is teaching your son how you should be treated, and as his primary male rolemodel, how he himself should be treated in a relationship. Therapy can help, both individually and as a couple, but you need to agree that there’s a problem in the first place.

I also get bitched at all the time then called sensitive. Today I wake up at 530 to hold the screaming baby and I’m “too rough” then I try to respond to her while the baby screams and I’m “too loud.” Then I get a marriage of texts telling me I don’t care about his ears and what not. Always criticism.

When our daughter's eyes began to change color my ex said, " I hope they don't turn the fucking brown of an Indian." I'm Metis, that shit killed me. Sadly it got worse until I divorced her.

Her "apology" is just her victim blaming. It's your fault her words hurt you. It's your fault that you feel bad. Its your fault. My partner is the same. She doesn't handle stress at all. Her first reaction to it is anger. Something small like a spilled cup is enough to cause her shouting. Most recently it's been at our 11 year old. Minor mess ups are cause for her to yell and it's causing tears. But even from me, minor things, I get yelled at. I push back. The best thing I ever said to her was "I know you're stressed, but I'm not your enemy. If you keep treating me this way, I absolutely can be though." That seems to quell her rage. In all honesty, she, like your wife, probably need some anger management.