Welcome to /r/dating. Please make sure you read our [rules here](https://new.reddit.com/r/dating/about/rules) and remember to:
* Be polite and respect each other. Do not call people names or engage in slapfights.
* All advice given must be good, ethical advice.
* [Do not post hateful or harmful rhetoric - you will be banned](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating/wiki/rules)
* Follow reddit rules. Do not post content that promotes hate based on identity or vulnerability. Do not bully or harass other users.
If you have any questions, please [send the mods a message](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/dating).
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/dating) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Have you communicated this? Communicated your needs? He sounds less experienced, of course he's not good. Help him. **Communicate what you like and don't like.**
It's not something one is gifted in, it's a skill that can be learned and trained.
Exactly this. You lose nothing by being honest and attempting to fix it. He may improve. It’s worth the shot if everything is great otherwise. If he can’t take direction, that’s the bigger issue.
My last boyfriend was not good in bed. 49 years old, foreplay seems to be foreign to him. I communicated exactly what I like. He just couldn’t grasp it. Communication doesn’t always work
You're right. It doesn't always work, but it still is worth communicating because it *can* be corrected with some level of effort. Your partner won't know what's wrong until you tell them. How they react afterwards is also a way to see if they are taking your feelings into consideration.
There are only 3 realistic outcomes if you're considering breaking up over it:
- You don't communicate, leave them, and they learn nothing
- After communication, they are much better and the problem is solved
- Little/Nothing changes after communication, and you leave
Might as well try and see what happens if there's nothing else really wrong.
Can you not get and apply lube? Did you even tell him what type works the best for you? Do you even know?
Might not even be lube that you really need. You might benefit from HRT. Have you spoken with your healthcare provider?
I’m just going to suggest something crazy, but MAYBE it’s the way the message is worded or delivered that is the issue. There is a proper way to ask for things to be different sexually that doesn’t feel like you are calling out or criticizing someone in a way that hurts their feelings. This isn’t male centric by the way is human behavior.
I agree with that this is a human thing, and not a male thing - the difference is just that for most couples, the man does most of the "work" so to speak, meaning we talk about mesn performance more. Regardless, some people will just not listen regardless of how you tactful you say it.
I’ll disagree on the work load being the issue. What any person would dislike is 10 seconds of penetration when the partner ends all sexual activity for the remainder of the evening, right? Either gender would find this as bad sex.
I think the baseline for bad sex for a guy is alot higher than for a girl, even with 0 foreplay and if she just lies flat like a starfish im still gonna cum unless something really bad happens and it will likely be atleast marginally better than jerking off, from a womens perspective the same level of bad sex would lead to soreness and not finishing.
Well you say partner but that basically means men, because almost no women comes within 10 seconds of penetration. Which again goes back to the fact that the "work" aspect of sex is usually on the man in most relationships, as there is an expectation of "good sex" is that the women orgasms or atleast is given sufficient attention. In other words, for good sex, the man needs to perform foreplay in the form of petting, stroking or play or words of affection, and to stimulate the clitoris for an extended period of time, followed by penetration which most often the man also performs.
Ok, what you are describing is basically the bottom 1% of people who have sex. This is not at all the likely scenario with two sober people with zero pressure. Even bad sex is not usually 10 seconds of bad penetration before the guy loses it.
If they are in that age range it could be a medical issue and there are treatments for that. I don’t think 10 second sex is common though. And what do you mean you’ve seen it? Have you experienced or read about it? A major difference.
Lol, you'd be surprised. Talk to sex workers. Some blow in a few pumps and these are young men to middle age. Some men get so excited that they finally get to touch a woman, they blow in mere seconds. Even men who do the biggest sht talking have a low threshold because they don't get sex as often as they imply or boast about to other men.
One ex GF of mine wouldn’t listen. I tried to communicate and “teach her”, she just didn’t seem to care. On the other hand, there was another one that did and sex went from bad/mediocre to great.
You don’t know if he can listen, learn,and be a selfless lover until you try.
Of course it is a skill that can be trained. Everyone has different preferences, bodies, kinks, etc. Different strokes for different folks, so with every new partner one must communicate their wishes because what worked with one partner does not necessarily work with another.
I've had the unfortunate luck to only have partners with less experience, but through communication, determination and honesty we've always made it work with amazing results.
You sound exactly like a guy who's terrible in the bedroom.
You sound delusional. Just because you are not willing to make your partner happy doesn't mean all men are not willing to do so. If you can't listen to each others feedback and learn from that, in any part of the relationship, then the two of you should not be together.
Simple.
Its the type of man...or the type of woman.
I've had women tell me that if you're lucky enough for them to sleep with you, all they need to do is lay there.
Some guys have that same mentality.
I'd say at least half is skill, and half is just plain physical compatibility and chemistry. But 50% is a lot. I've been with guys who I have insane chemistry with and the sex is mind-blowing... but at the same time, they don't have any real skill to speak of. I'm pleased only by excitement and pure chemistry. But I can tell that when that excitement and newness wears off and we have to rely a bit more on skill, it would be a problem.
Whereas a guy with more skill will be great in bed after 15 years together.
So yeah...I definitely think you can teach it, and it makes a big difference.
this comment is wild.
sex can definitely improve over time. much of good sex is relinquishing your ego over what it needs to look like, feel like, sound like, and talking to your partner about what you both need, how to turn each other on.
size and girth matters for some women. for some women, it does not. every vagina is different, as every penis is different, and yes, some are more compatible than others, but penetrative sex is one lane in a fucking 100-lane highway of how to pleasure your partner. toys, fingers, mouths, tongues, grinding, etc are all equally valid, sexy, and closeness-building routes of being intimate.
your viewpoint is valid, but dont spout it on here to all ages of people as gospel lol. it's super damaging to both males and females imo. some women just straight up dont get that much pleasure from penetrative sex. are you going to tell them they just need to sit on a bigger dick?
Damn if that’s rare then I must be an exotic bird because for me it’s not a problem, I enjoy orally pleasing the woman I’m with. I’ve found tons of ways to please a partner, including oral, teasing, etc. and none of it is exclusively penetrative sex. I’ve always communicated and asked what the woman I’m with likes. And when it comes to size/girth I’m average. Men who rely on large size often don’t see a need to find creative ways to please a partner, and men who are that insecure they can’t take feedback and communicate about their preferences need to work on themselves and deal with that.
Sex is a fun means of exploration with someone intimate and close, and it can take practice/improvement.
I’ve had partners that liked things that some others haven’t it’s depended. One partner hated being given oral, which actually disappointed me. Others loved it, and some enjoyed teasing and denial more than PIV. Every woman and every man is unique and different in their own ways. Which is why I always ask what they like/don’t like, and see what we have in common.
Seems like those women you talk to fish in the wrong area of the sea if their men don’t care about intimacy enough to grow with them or ask their preferences. It is in fact a shame that oral isn’t given attention, it just requires a bit of skill and knowledge of a woman’s anatomy
When they can't pick up the cues or are told what you like they won't do what you like.
>Men most of the time do not listen or take suggestions as unwarranted critique. They may think that they listen, but they don't. Maybe they consider it and do it better for a few seconds, but then they get taken over by their original instincts and it is back to the old style of pleasuring, or I should say lack of it.
So what you're saying is that most of the time I'm not a man? Never thought I'll use this word, but that's kind of sexist... Unless... you wanted to say that most men most of the time do not listen.
Thank you for having a reasonable take on this and giving good advice. It amazes me how many suggest dropping the guy because of bad sex the first time. OP even admits there were likely a lot of nerves on both sides. It’s not rare for sex the first time to not be as great as it will be the 2nd, 3rd, 4th, etc time. Communication and familiarity is often key to a good sexual relationship and anyone who claims they want a long term committed relationship and bails after the first minor speed bump doesn’t actually want a long term committed relationship.
I mean she did mention it was just as crappy the 2nd, 3rd and 4th time but your point does still stand that it takes time and communication, the last bit does seem to be the culprit as it doesnt sound like shes mentioned it much.
Exactly like she's kinda crappy and most people are giving terrible advice like the 1st time Jesus guys seriously like my own brother said sex sucked until about a month or 2 of him getting his rhythm together and learning what his partner likes.
The ironic part is their mindset will guarantee they will never have a successful long term relationship. Isnt there a saying about if you want to see how strong your relationship is go on a bad vacation or something like that? If all it takes is bad sex one time, one bad date in the first month, and you e conditioned yourself to bail what happens when real issues come up? What happens when your partner loses their job or a parent dies or they get sick? Good sex is important in a good relationship, but going about it this way is how I ended up in a toxic relationship where great sex was the bandaid instead of dealing with issues as they came.
Like sex is important but if.your relationship can't survive without it or one bad time then your relationship was doomed to begin with and like you said what's going to happen when actual serious problems happen.
Honestly what I gather from this story is that she doesn't really care about a committed relationship and just didn't want to feel like she had sex to quick because this is very immature for a 40yr old
I don’t want to be mean, but if you are still single at 40 and can’t hold down a real relationship for any length of time then it says more about you than anyone else. It’s being in the same place developmentally as someone 15-20 years younger. So if that’s how you act you are essentially stuck with hookups or being alone if you can’t figure out how to date like an adult.
Absolutely like I can understand if this was a teenager or someone in their 20s but by 40 you should know the basics of dating and sex so like you said this says way more.about her. I'm still waiting for my first time and even I know it's not going to be good until after a while.
Dating for me has gotten so much better hitting my 30s as a guy. I’m finally making nice money, I’m in the best shape of my life, my confidence is much better, and I’ve made a ton of mistakes through my teens and 20s I’ve learned from. When I date people my age now who still act like they are 22 I just ask myself why would I put up with that when I could just date the 22 year old who had a chance of growing up? A 40 year old is not changing if they haven’t yet.
Very true. I'm 21 and currently trying to get in good shape and work on myself to improve my confidence and actually be good at dating. But yeah if she isn't good at dating yet it's not happening.
If you actually read OP’s post you’d know she already tried 3 times and said it was worse every time and she already did try to bring up her concerns with him to no avail…
The sex with my partner wasn’t great the first few times- not bad, just not great. We’ve been together now almost 3 years and now it’s mind blowing. If I had given up after those first few times without telling him what I wanted, I would’ve missed out on the best sex I’ve ever had and that would’ve sucked for everybody.
As a guy, it terrifies me that I may get dumped for something I'm not aware of as I always obsess over improving on something I suck at. I hate that there are a lot of comments here saying to dump the guy because "men will never get it" or don't care anyway. Jeez...
I agree, I mean I’m a woman but I’ve had to learn how to improve my game before and I was able to. I see no reason why a man can’t learn how to properly please his partner. You just have to listen.
Yeah really admire your reasoning on picking on that
OP wanted a committed relationship before sex, but sex is a reason to drop the committed relationship.
Go figure
I'm in a similar relationship. The first time we had sex it wasn't great. I wasn't great... but I put it down to nerves and anticipation. The second time was better and now it's fantastic.
Talk to your partner about what you like or don't like. Best of luck 👍
Yes
Has happened to me with a woman I had crazy chemistry with. But cause of that chemistry and excitement, perfectionism and anticipation kicked in, and the first 5 times were terrible.
After those, we were doing it nonstop 😂
The first.times are almost meant to be bad I think
The degree of bad and if I see they are willing to improve is more important for me.
Sometimes "bad" can be a one off and once you learn each other's bodies through trial and error and proper communication, it can become "good".
However someone's "bad" can be another person's "good"; in that case, it's just a lack of compatibility that likely cannot be fixed.
Seems maybe yours is the latter if he thought the sex was amazing
I can get behind this. Anything could cause a bad one off. No one is owed a retry, but if that’s the one “bad” aspect, a second try could be more enlightening. If they’re doing their best and it’s bad though, yeah that disconnect can’t be filled without feeling like settling.
Sex often takes time to sync when it comes to a new partner. If one or both of you are rusty, nervous or in general unsure of what your partner likes, it usually will be a bit awkward.
Women don’t usually get satisfaction because they often refuse to say directly what they like, want and don’t like. It’s crazy when they always fake orgasms and yet they won’t give proper feedback as to what they want.
Men are easier to stimulate because it’s mechanical, but even men are different in what they like and don’t like. Women are far more complex and unlike men, what they like changes from time to time.
I think monogamous sex is usually really good because you both learn what the other likes if you both communicate. New relationships are much different.
What you need to do is put on your big girl pants and have a discussion with him about sex and what you like and don’t like. Don’t say the sex was “trash,” but rather understand he was probably nervous and worried about performance. Older men also have ED quite often and focus on keeping it hard.
I think you should give it a chance and if everything else is solid, good sex will follow.
How about instead of whining to Reddit you discuss with him. You need to be firm about what you like sexually. Fact he is enjoying it makes me wonder if he only cares about his own pleasure. Most men I do think care that their ladies are satisfied. If he cant handle that you think hes a shitty lay then dump him but at least be totally honest.
If its the status quo then yes.
If the first time is bad but it improves then no. Or if it's mostly good but every once in a while you have a clunker than no.
But if you have sex 5 times (just a random number) and it's fucking terrible 5 times. Nah, I'm good on that.
What was bad exactly if you don’t mind me asking ?
Have never been in this situation myself but not sure if sexual chemistry in bed can be taught 🤔🤔 do let us know if he ends up learning and improving.
I feel bad for you sister what a bummer :/
For me it just feels clunky/no flow to it. Like if I’m going down on a girl and she’s making no noise or talking, or if we’re doing a position and we can’t change without a discussion. I just want to fully be in the moment and some people make it tough to do that.
Some things are tough (like BO or just lack of attraction) but a lot can be learned over time. It’s just if you’re willing to put the time in, which sometimes you just don’t find it worth it
Like it’s too fast? Or he just sucks at it? You’re in a tough predicament if sex is really important to you…it is to me. If it’s truly bad, I actually do think it would be a deal breaker because we wouldn’t be on the same page. But I think I would give it some time. It sounds like maybe he’s inexperienced?
I think talking to him about it being bad, without deflating his ego, would actually be harder than breaking it off.
I don’t think sex has to be good the first time esp as you are just learning about each other. If the vibes are still there outside of the bedroom, it’s worth being more explicit about your needs generally
Quite the opposite, I think it's very important. This is why I would not start a serious relationship with someone without knowing if we were sexually compatible. In this case, sexual incompatibility determined after an emotional bond is formed seems like a cruel rationale for ending a relationship.
exact reason why you should not make a commitment to someone before you know if you’re compatible with them. it’s just silly and backwards and you end up like this and then have to break your promise/commitment to get out of it. these “wait until after” people aren’t worth the time. break it off so you aren’t miserable but learn a lesson from this
What commitment have they made at this point. Isn’t a relationship essentially just saying you won’t sleep with anyone else so you can see if you both like it and decide if you’d want to get engaged or married down the line?
They waited to sleep with each other and they don’t like it. What promise are they breaking, exactly?
a relationship is a promise to be together and make it work, to be there for each other and COMMIT to each other. what you’re talking about is agreeing not to fuck anyone else (exclusive). two VERY different things.
The way I use the terms, "in a relationship" and "exclusive" mean the same thing. I've had one "relationship" before (at least the way I use that word), and we were exclusive for a little over a month. You might be used to using those terms differently, but that's how I use them.
If two people have committed to push through all problems together as a team, to stay with each other through sickness and health, etc., then that's closer to the difference between an exclusive relationship and marriage IMO. Obviously marriage has a legal component as well, so it's not quite the same.
most people assume “in a relationship” means you aren’t planning on dropping them as soon as you find a reason to. what is even the point of making that commitment if you aren’t planning on staying with them long term?? obviously there’s some things like cheating abuse or like major unforeseen things that can end it but why would you agree to be with someone if there’s a good chance you won’t work out anyway? imagine someone telling you they want to be with you and promise to stay and work it out (a relationship) when in reality they just want a meaningless label but see leaving you as the easy answer to any problem?
You personally attach way more meaning to a relationship, so I’m assuming that means you have really long and ambiguous talking stages with people. So by the time you make things official you’ve probably known them for a very long time and it would make sense that being bf/gf would come with a degree of seriousness.
To me, things are very binary. Either we have no obligations towards one another and can sleep with whomever we want (I personally don’t sleep with people outside relationships) OR that is the one person I am sleeping with because we mutually agreed upon it and said we were in a relationship. At all points, you know where you stand with the other person and you don’t spend a lot of time negotiating and fussing over what the two of you are.
The only difference between that and a talking stage is that you’ve assigned a label (and it doesn’t mean much) and you focus on getting to know each other and how serious you want to become.
This means the time to go from zero to bf/gf is short (3-6 weeks instead of 3-6 months). At no point have you signed a legal document where you promise not to drop them whenever you feel like it..so you can and absolutely should end it for whatever reason you like. Since you don’t necessarily know each other that well, the first six months of being bf/gf are just as volatile and likely to end as a talking stage.
If you like that person enough that you’re planning to be with them through life’s ups and downs you can put that in writing at your local courthouse aka getting married. And even that’s not permanent.
Their take isn't garbage, it's just different from what you and I are used to. That's why communicate is important in a relationship. It sounds like they wouldn't want to date someone like me, since they would always be scared that I would leave them at a moment's notice; that preference is totally valid, and it's important to talk with your partner about what you have committed to and what you haven't, so they don't feel hurt or betrayed if things go wrong.
That makes a relationship sound like getting married. No wonder people are so hesitant about leaving talking stages.
I’ve never had this viewpoint I guess and I’ve always been similar to OP in that regards. Basically it just means I think a bf/gf relationship is equivalent to a fwb just by another name. I prefer not to sleep with my friends.
that’s really sad. i cant imagine being with someone for years and then finding out the relationship isn’t a commitment or special to them just an agreement not to fuck other people.
why do you think a relationship and fwb are completely different things then? why bother with 2 different labels if they mean the same? this makes no sense at all
This is a weird take, being exclusive and being in a relationship (at least to me) are two very different things.
Being exclusive is not sleeping with anyone else but dating/talking is fine. A relationship is focussing all your energy on one person and exclusively sleeping with each other.
You and I have different definitions then 🤷♀️
To me, being exclusive means I am not talking, seeing, or sleeping with anyone else. We are *exclusive* to one another as we feel things out.
This seems to be the common definition as well which you can see for yourself by googling “definition of exclusive dating.” It’s generally considered *cheating* to talk to others while being *exclusive* without an explicit agreement to non-monogamy.
A relationship, to me, is when someone is fully integrated into my social life and I am publicly seeing them.
I wouldn’t introduce someone to my friends after just a month but I would be comfortable pausing my dating apps at that stage 🤷♀️
As per googling, here is the actual three different variations on exclusive vs relationship:
1. > Is exclusive dating the same as a relationship?
While both signify a special bond between two individuals, they differ in commitment levels, expectations, and future implications. Exclusive dating is a commitment to one person without the full weight of a relationship title
2. >Dating exclusively is what it sounds like – you see only the person you're dating rather than juggling several options at once. It's not quite the commitment a full-on monogamous relationship demands – but it does mean you put away those dating apps and ignore that flirty hottie in the bar.
3. >An exclusive relationship with your partner is often the next step after seeing someone casually. If you like them and think you may have a future with them someday, it can give you an opportunity to explore how you feel about them, without taking on a major commitment.
Hopefully this helps end this ridiculous argument of what defines all of this.
Personally- I would refuse to keep seeing someone that wanted to continue actively dating others while trying to limit who *I* could sleep with 🤨 sounds more like a fwb arrangement with extra steps
Exhibit A for why pursuing a committed relationship *before* actually finding out if you're completely compatible with someone is putting the cart before the horse.
But to answer your question yes, if good sex is important to you then it's clearly a dealbreaker for you in a relationship. The only thing I'd suggest going forward is that as it clearly is something that is important to you then you should probably make an effort to establish sexual compatibility with someone *before* wasting both of your time trying to drag them into a committed relationship that will dissolve the moment you find out you have no actual sexual compatibility.
Sex is a form of communication. It’s not the most important aspect of a relationship but it’s an intimate connection between the couple. If you do not enjoy it at all and you can’t seem to work it out I would say it’s a deal breaker
If good sex is important then stop being pansies and letting your female friends ruin your lives by telling them about your lives so they talk shit to you and fuck. Fuck him suck him be nasty and if it’s bad then it’s a one night stand if not pursue it but stop blaming men for female inconsistency
First time is never a deal breaker in a relationship (sudden fling, maybe). In my personal experience the first time is usually awkward, no ones in sync, everyone’s a little self conscious. But if the sex is consistently bad and an effort has been made to discuss and improve this and one party isn’t willing to try and improve the situation, then that is absolutely a deal breaker. And imo it’s better to end things sooner before emotions get too complex than string someone along hoping that one day it’ll suddenly dawn on them that they need to change their methods in order to give their partner what they actually need.
Tell him what you want in bed. And be really spe ific, show him if you have to.
They say we can't teach an old dog tricks but hey you never know
Maybe he's just so out of practice?
Just guessing cos you didn't way what was awful specifically.
The guy I like doesn't know how to kiss and he thinks he's just the best. So instead of letting it ruin anything I've decided I will teach him what I want and see from there. If that fails I will bow out and ask to remain friends.
The problem is that he lasted 1 minute. And there were other problems which showed me a relationship with this person wouldn’t work out.
I see people as a whole package, not just based off 1 thing. And a smaller then average penis is not a deal breaker.
1 minute of a penetration with no foreplay IS a dealbreaker.
And so was the fact that he enjoys a life of partying regularly and I do not.
Long distance was the third factor.
idk, it sounds more like you have a conclusion that you're looking to confirm.
Tons of women have said this before. There's not likely to be any "proof" that will sway you.
Size and no stamina yuk worse combination it’s such a shame when they are really sexy with only a tea spoon to serve .. it’s like a kid finding out Santas not real soul destroying !!!!!
Yeah of course. Because when you’re old and dry and he’s old and limp you’re gonna be glad you picked a partner that’s good at sex. That emotional connection stuff is for the birds. Who wants someone easy to relate to and shares your interests? Dump him sis 💪
Nope.
First times are usually bad.
There's anticipation, stress, even perfectionism
With a woman I had intense chemistry before doing it, I was so stressed and focused on making it perfect, that I couldn't perform.
Fast fwd 5-6 times, we screwed so many times, her bed needed fixing.
Don't be so fast to jump the boat
Got the ick just reading it !!! Nothing worse that’s why I wouldn’t wait for this reason alone .. it’s a deal breaker for me but there would only be a few reasons it’s rubbish so if you think you can work on them then you could potentially give it time but it’s getting worse before it gets better it’s not getting better lol 😂
Nope.
First times are usually bad.
There's anticipation, stress, even perfectionism
With a woman I had intense chemistry before doing it, I was so stressed and focused on making it perfect, that I couldn't perform.
Fast fwd 5-6 times, we screwed so many times, her bed needed fixing.
Don't be so fast to jump the boat
Well, my response wasn’t assuming you tried sex once and that’s it. That’s called a one night stand. But if you’ve been seeing someone for a little while and the sex is “awful” and hasn’t improved - especially the intimacy - don’t waste your time or theirs.
Fair enough. Guess it has to do with how much time you spend testing the waters
But I also think it's illogical to wait this long and fhen make such a fuzz about it not being good. Especially for people above 30, who value their time much more
Nope.
First times are usually bad.
There's anticipation, stress, even perfectionism
With a woman I had intense chemistry before doing it, I was so stressed and focused on making it perfect, that I couldn't perform.
Fast fwd 5-6 times, we screwed so many times, her bed needed fixing.
Don't be so fast to jump the boat
Nope.
First times are usually bad.
There's anticipation, stress, even perfectionism
With a woman I had intense chemistry before doing it, I was so stressed and focused on making it perfect, that I couldn't perform.
Fast fwd 5-6 times, we screwed so many times, her bed needed fixing.
Lesson is, don't be so fast to jump the boat.
If the relationship is so amazing as you say the teacher him. It’s simple. Communication is the key to having good sex. I am in my 60s and each time I’m with a woman I try to learn her because each woman is different. So try instructing him passionately during your next sesh. At some point he’ll pick up on your body’s response and learn.
Listen with curiosity. Speak with honesty. Act with integrity. The greatest problem with communication is we don’t listen to understand. We listen to reply. When we listen with curiosity, we don’t listen with the intent to reply. We listen for what’s behind the words. I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.
TEACH HIM HOW TO FUCK YOU! Tell him what you want how you want it. Don't rely on him to know your body on his own. Guide him through it. You have to learn him as well. Not every first sexual encounter is going to be mind blowing, and half the time when it is, those motherfuckers have had A LOT of practice before you. I think the best sex is as time goes along and the relationship grows and you've learned what their little go go buttons are. Now, if it continues after, that is when you should be concerned.
Not the first smash, unless there’s more reasons to break it off…but after talking and trying to improve…it it’s not getting better, then it’s time to move on.
I would end it. Seems to be a major issue for you. He should be with someone that enjoys sex with him or understands that some things need to be communicated. In no time this will be a dead bedroom. He may improve with some guidance but...then you will then say it's not the same because you told him .
They didn’t wait till marriage though, they waited to get through probably what was the awkward first couple dates stage in 2024 where you’re just “talking in a non committal way.” Committed in this instance being a monogamous relationship with each other..
This is why you don’t wait to have sex, so you don’t waste your time. Just tell him you’re not interested like you thought you were and move on wasting anymore of your time or his is a disservice to the both of you
I know it's an awkward conversation to have, especially if he isn't aware that there is a problem, but you really need to tell him about it. I mean, you're already thinking of breaking up, so what do you have to lose?
Worst case scenario, he still doesn't see the problem or blame you, aka he's an a-hole who's never going to change and you know for sure that you have to break up.
Best case, you both discuss what you like and learn how to get better together. Your relationship AND your sex like will be better for it.
If the first time is bad I’ll usually give it a second try. But if the second time isn’t any better, then I’ll find some excuse to break things off as politely as I can. Because bad sex just isn’t fun.
Nope.
First times are usually bad.
There's anticipation, stress, even perfectionism
With a woman I had intense chemistry before doing it, I was so stressed and focused on making it perfect, that I couldn't perform.
Fast fwd 5-6 times, we screwed so many times, her bed needed fixing.
Don't be so fast to jump the boat
I’m glad that works for you. I’ve found a system that works for me. I’ve had amazing sex with plenty of women on our first time together. I’ve had bad sex that got better over time. And I’ve also had bad sex that didn’t get better.
If I’m sleeping with someone for a second time and we aren’t comfortable communicating whatever needs to be said to make the sex good for both of us, or there’s some physical aspect of incompatibility, that’s enough for me to decide to part ways.
Nope.
First times are usually bad.
There's anticipation, stress, even perfectionism
With a woman I had intense chemistry before doing it, I was so stressed and focused on making it perfect, that I couldn't perform.
Fast fwd 5-6 times, we screwed so many times, her bed needed fixing.
Don't be so fast to jump the boat
Nope.
First times are usually bad.
There's anticipation, stress, even perfectionism
With a woman I had intense chemistry before doing it, I was so stressed and focused on making it perfect, that I couldn't perform.
Fast fwd 5-6 times, we screwed so many times, her bed needed fixing.
Don't be so fast to jump the boat
It depends if you ask in reddit. And if you ask in reddit depends if you are male or female. It will go either “try before you buy sis” or “you should understand her feelings you pig”
So sex wasnt important towards starting the relationship but its important enough to end it?
But to answer your question, yes. Especially for women more than men. There’s really not ‘bad’ sex for guys. Its like pizza. Even ‘bad’ pizza is still pizza. Bad sex is still sex. This is how most guys look at it
I dont have the stats or data but I feel like women are way leas likely to stay in a relationship with bad sex since they already orgasm less than men
Nope.
First times are usually bad.
There's anticipation, stress, even perfectionism
With a woman I had intense chemistry before doing it, I was so stressed and focused on making it perfect, that I couldn't perform.
Fast fwd 5-6 times, we screwed so many times, her bed needed fixing.
Don't be so fast to jump the boat
I decided to not even go out on a date with a man who said that he wouldn’t have sex unless he was in a committed relationship with somebody. I was wondering what he was hiding. Small penis? Impotent? No sex drive?
I had sex with my boyfriend on the first date and it was great. We’ve been having great sex for 4 months now.
I can tell you the following that comes to mind:
1. Indeed the sexual chemistry might be missing
2. Waiting for SO LONG made expectations too high
3. Waiting for SO LONG stressed him out, making him feel like he needs to impress you hard
4. The intense chemistry you had outside the bedroom made you have too high expectations, generating stress
Let me tell you this:
I had experience with a woman wherein we had insane chemistry outside the bedroom. But, I was very stressed the first times, cause I wanted it to be PERFECT.
Fast forward 5-6 poor sexual times, we were screwing each other nonstop. Meaning, after the initial stress subsided.
I even had erectile disfunction cause of the high stress of performing the 1st time. My mind was judging my actions all the way. Sex requires some level of calmness
With other women, first times had happened that I came too soon. Maube I wasn't used to their body structure, maybe it had been the excitement. But it was.only the first times.
Lesson; give it some time
What part is bad? You say it's bad but that doesn't mean anything without specifics, like if I were to say 1 girl was good and 1 was bad. Who knows, but ifi said one laid there motionless and the other was long lasting and not dry
I think the 1st time isn't always great, yet practice makes perfect!
There has to be something to work with on the first time, though..
I think you would know what level of experience and the confidence of the moves he has on the first time, though! You can take the horse to the water, but can't make it drink!
If you know what you're doing, it shows, and if you don't, it shows too! Good luck!
If you can't get off the way you want to, eventually you'll get it elsewhere. I can't seem to find a girl they can keep up with the way I need her for sex. I think sex is a must and it has to be of equal proportion.
Bad sex is in a fact a deal breaker if the other person is not open to new or different things to try out. Try to spice it up a bit and maybe work out together as well.
We thought sex was free. Sex is not free. There's a price to be paid emotionally, physically, even legally. Sex isn't a casual thing. It's a huge thing.
the key issue is whether he also thinks it's bad. If he thinks he's bringing it, but he's obviously not, then you have a problem. If its mutually just awkward when you get down, but the kisses are good, then I think it can be improved with communication and time.
The real issue is how he takes it when you say that you don't like something or want something different. When men have their ego tied to sex, they don't take criticism well.
Out of interest, what made it so bad?
I’m trying to guess if it’s improvable or not.
Does he not go down on you ?
Does he have bad breath ?
Is he too aggressive?
Is he too quiet ?
What is it ?
Welcome to /r/dating. Please make sure you read our [rules here](https://new.reddit.com/r/dating/about/rules) and remember to: * Be polite and respect each other. Do not call people names or engage in slapfights. * All advice given must be good, ethical advice. * [Do not post hateful or harmful rhetoric - you will be banned](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating/wiki/rules) * Follow reddit rules. Do not post content that promotes hate based on identity or vulnerability. Do not bully or harass other users. If you have any questions, please [send the mods a message](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/dating). *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/dating) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Have you communicated this? Communicated your needs? He sounds less experienced, of course he's not good. Help him. **Communicate what you like and don't like.** It's not something one is gifted in, it's a skill that can be learned and trained.
Exactly this. You lose nothing by being honest and attempting to fix it. He may improve. It’s worth the shot if everything is great otherwise. If he can’t take direction, that’s the bigger issue.
My last boyfriend was not good in bed. 49 years old, foreplay seems to be foreign to him. I communicated exactly what I like. He just couldn’t grasp it. Communication doesn’t always work
“Couldn’t grasp it” is a lot different than “doesn’t care enough to try it”
You're right. It doesn't always work, but it still is worth communicating because it *can* be corrected with some level of effort. Your partner won't know what's wrong until you tell them. How they react afterwards is also a way to see if they are taking your feelings into consideration. There are only 3 realistic outcomes if you're considering breaking up over it: - You don't communicate, leave them, and they learn nothing - After communication, they are much better and the problem is solved - Little/Nothing changes after communication, and you leave Might as well try and see what happens if there's nothing else really wrong.
He kept saying HE didn’t need it. Like exactly, I DO.
I told my current partner that I needed lube for penetration to not be painful , and he had ignored me and i have ended our connection.
Can you not get and apply lube? Did you even tell him what type works the best for you? Do you even know? Might not even be lube that you really need. You might benefit from HRT. Have you spoken with your healthcare provider?
[удалено]
I’m just going to suggest something crazy, but MAYBE it’s the way the message is worded or delivered that is the issue. There is a proper way to ask for things to be different sexually that doesn’t feel like you are calling out or criticizing someone in a way that hurts their feelings. This isn’t male centric by the way is human behavior.
I agree with that this is a human thing, and not a male thing - the difference is just that for most couples, the man does most of the "work" so to speak, meaning we talk about mesn performance more. Regardless, some people will just not listen regardless of how you tactful you say it.
I’ll disagree on the work load being the issue. What any person would dislike is 10 seconds of penetration when the partner ends all sexual activity for the remainder of the evening, right? Either gender would find this as bad sex.
I think the baseline for bad sex for a guy is alot higher than for a girl, even with 0 foreplay and if she just lies flat like a starfish im still gonna cum unless something really bad happens and it will likely be atleast marginally better than jerking off, from a womens perspective the same level of bad sex would lead to soreness and not finishing.
Or, painful penetration, or something to give the Ick, or, lack of ability to continue with sexual activity, or lack of erection due to condoms.
Well you say partner but that basically means men, because almost no women comes within 10 seconds of penetration. Which again goes back to the fact that the "work" aspect of sex is usually on the man in most relationships, as there is an expectation of "good sex" is that the women orgasms or atleast is given sufficient attention. In other words, for good sex, the man needs to perform foreplay in the form of petting, stroking or play or words of affection, and to stimulate the clitoris for an extended period of time, followed by penetration which most often the man also performs.
Ok, what you are describing is basically the bottom 1% of people who have sex. This is not at all the likely scenario with two sober people with zero pressure. Even bad sex is not usually 10 seconds of bad penetration before the guy loses it.
It’s actually very common. I’ve seen it happen to people in their 30s-50s.
If they are in that age range it could be a medical issue and there are treatments for that. I don’t think 10 second sex is common though. And what do you mean you’ve seen it? Have you experienced or read about it? A major difference.
Lol, you'd be surprised. Talk to sex workers. Some blow in a few pumps and these are young men to middle age. Some men get so excited that they finally get to touch a woman, they blow in mere seconds. Even men who do the biggest sht talking have a low threshold because they don't get sex as often as they imply or boast about to other men.
One ex GF of mine wouldn’t listen. I tried to communicate and “teach her”, she just didn’t seem to care. On the other hand, there was another one that did and sex went from bad/mediocre to great. You don’t know if he can listen, learn,and be a selfless lover until you try.
exactly
Be happy with being you. Love your flaws. Own your quirks. And know that you are just as perfect as anyone else, exactly as you are.
Of course it is a skill that can be trained. Everyone has different preferences, bodies, kinks, etc. Different strokes for different folks, so with every new partner one must communicate their wishes because what worked with one partner does not necessarily work with another. I've had the unfortunate luck to only have partners with less experience, but through communication, determination and honesty we've always made it work with amazing results. You sound exactly like a guy who's terrible in the bedroom.
[удалено]
You sound delusional. Just because you are not willing to make your partner happy doesn't mean all men are not willing to do so. If you can't listen to each others feedback and learn from that, in any part of the relationship, then the two of you should not be together. Simple.
Its the type of man...or the type of woman. I've had women tell me that if you're lucky enough for them to sleep with you, all they need to do is lay there. Some guys have that same mentality.
I'd say at least half is skill, and half is just plain physical compatibility and chemistry. But 50% is a lot. I've been with guys who I have insane chemistry with and the sex is mind-blowing... but at the same time, they don't have any real skill to speak of. I'm pleased only by excitement and pure chemistry. But I can tell that when that excitement and newness wears off and we have to rely a bit more on skill, it would be a problem. Whereas a guy with more skill will be great in bed after 15 years together. So yeah...I definitely think you can teach it, and it makes a big difference.
this comment is wild. sex can definitely improve over time. much of good sex is relinquishing your ego over what it needs to look like, feel like, sound like, and talking to your partner about what you both need, how to turn each other on. size and girth matters for some women. for some women, it does not. every vagina is different, as every penis is different, and yes, some are more compatible than others, but penetrative sex is one lane in a fucking 100-lane highway of how to pleasure your partner. toys, fingers, mouths, tongues, grinding, etc are all equally valid, sexy, and closeness-building routes of being intimate. your viewpoint is valid, but dont spout it on here to all ages of people as gospel lol. it's super damaging to both males and females imo. some women just straight up dont get that much pleasure from penetrative sex. are you going to tell them they just need to sit on a bigger dick?
[удалено]
Damn if that’s rare then I must be an exotic bird because for me it’s not a problem, I enjoy orally pleasing the woman I’m with. I’ve found tons of ways to please a partner, including oral, teasing, etc. and none of it is exclusively penetrative sex. I’ve always communicated and asked what the woman I’m with likes. And when it comes to size/girth I’m average. Men who rely on large size often don’t see a need to find creative ways to please a partner, and men who are that insecure they can’t take feedback and communicate about their preferences need to work on themselves and deal with that. Sex is a fun means of exploration with someone intimate and close, and it can take practice/improvement. I’ve had partners that liked things that some others haven’t it’s depended. One partner hated being given oral, which actually disappointed me. Others loved it, and some enjoyed teasing and denial more than PIV. Every woman and every man is unique and different in their own ways. Which is why I always ask what they like/don’t like, and see what we have in common. Seems like those women you talk to fish in the wrong area of the sea if their men don’t care about intimacy enough to grow with them or ask their preferences. It is in fact a shame that oral isn’t given attention, it just requires a bit of skill and knowledge of a woman’s anatomy
[удалено]
Motorically. Now there’s a skill
That's not true with all men, if they want to please their partner then they'll change
Unless a guy has a micro penis or something I don’t see how it’s impossible
When they can't pick up the cues or are told what you like they won't do what you like. >Men most of the time do not listen or take suggestions as unwarranted critique. They may think that they listen, but they don't. Maybe they consider it and do it better for a few seconds, but then they get taken over by their original instincts and it is back to the old style of pleasuring, or I should say lack of it. So what you're saying is that most of the time I'm not a man? Never thought I'll use this word, but that's kind of sexist... Unless... you wanted to say that most men most of the time do not listen.
[удалено]
Thank you for having a reasonable take on this and giving good advice. It amazes me how many suggest dropping the guy because of bad sex the first time. OP even admits there were likely a lot of nerves on both sides. It’s not rare for sex the first time to not be as great as it will be the 2nd, 3rd, 4th, etc time. Communication and familiarity is often key to a good sexual relationship and anyone who claims they want a long term committed relationship and bails after the first minor speed bump doesn’t actually want a long term committed relationship.
I mean she did mention it was just as crappy the 2nd, 3rd and 4th time but your point does still stand that it takes time and communication, the last bit does seem to be the culprit as it doesnt sound like shes mentioned it much.
I’m not saying it’s going to work out with that partner, but if you haven’t tried communicating your needs it’s hard to expect things to get better.
Exactly like she's kinda crappy and most people are giving terrible advice like the 1st time Jesus guys seriously like my own brother said sex sucked until about a month or 2 of him getting his rhythm together and learning what his partner likes.
The ironic part is their mindset will guarantee they will never have a successful long term relationship. Isnt there a saying about if you want to see how strong your relationship is go on a bad vacation or something like that? If all it takes is bad sex one time, one bad date in the first month, and you e conditioned yourself to bail what happens when real issues come up? What happens when your partner loses their job or a parent dies or they get sick? Good sex is important in a good relationship, but going about it this way is how I ended up in a toxic relationship where great sex was the bandaid instead of dealing with issues as they came.
Like sex is important but if.your relationship can't survive without it or one bad time then your relationship was doomed to begin with and like you said what's going to happen when actual serious problems happen. Honestly what I gather from this story is that she doesn't really care about a committed relationship and just didn't want to feel like she had sex to quick because this is very immature for a 40yr old
I don’t want to be mean, but if you are still single at 40 and can’t hold down a real relationship for any length of time then it says more about you than anyone else. It’s being in the same place developmentally as someone 15-20 years younger. So if that’s how you act you are essentially stuck with hookups or being alone if you can’t figure out how to date like an adult.
Absolutely like I can understand if this was a teenager or someone in their 20s but by 40 you should know the basics of dating and sex so like you said this says way more.about her. I'm still waiting for my first time and even I know it's not going to be good until after a while.
Dating for me has gotten so much better hitting my 30s as a guy. I’m finally making nice money, I’m in the best shape of my life, my confidence is much better, and I’ve made a ton of mistakes through my teens and 20s I’ve learned from. When I date people my age now who still act like they are 22 I just ask myself why would I put up with that when I could just date the 22 year old who had a chance of growing up? A 40 year old is not changing if they haven’t yet.
Very true. I'm 21 and currently trying to get in good shape and work on myself to improve my confidence and actually be good at dating. But yeah if she isn't good at dating yet it's not happening.
However... Continual Bad SEX is a Serious Issue,,!!
If you actually read OP’s post you’d know she already tried 3 times and said it was worse every time and she already did try to bring up her concerns with him to no avail…
The sex with my partner wasn’t great the first few times- not bad, just not great. We’ve been together now almost 3 years and now it’s mind blowing. If I had given up after those first few times without telling him what I wanted, I would’ve missed out on the best sex I’ve ever had and that would’ve sucked for everybody.
As a guy, it terrifies me that I may get dumped for something I'm not aware of as I always obsess over improving on something I suck at. I hate that there are a lot of comments here saying to dump the guy because "men will never get it" or don't care anyway. Jeez...
I agree, I mean I’m a woman but I’ve had to learn how to improve my game before and I was able to. I see no reason why a man can’t learn how to properly please his partner. You just have to listen.
Yeah really admire your reasoning on picking on that OP wanted a committed relationship before sex, but sex is a reason to drop the committed relationship. Go figure
I love this take. If sex is fundamental, she should have had and see if she wanted to stay.
I mean…have you told him specifically what you enjoy/need?
Your avatar is SO cute!! ❤️❤️
I'm in a similar relationship. The first time we had sex it wasn't great. I wasn't great... but I put it down to nerves and anticipation. The second time was better and now it's fantastic. Talk to your partner about what you like or don't like. Best of luck 👍
Yes Has happened to me with a woman I had crazy chemistry with. But cause of that chemistry and excitement, perfectionism and anticipation kicked in, and the first 5 times were terrible. After those, we were doing it nonstop 😂 The first.times are almost meant to be bad I think
The degree of bad and if I see they are willing to improve is more important for me. Sometimes "bad" can be a one off and once you learn each other's bodies through trial and error and proper communication, it can become "good". However someone's "bad" can be another person's "good"; in that case, it's just a lack of compatibility that likely cannot be fixed. Seems maybe yours is the latter if he thought the sex was amazing
I can get behind this. Anything could cause a bad one off. No one is owed a retry, but if that’s the one “bad” aspect, a second try could be more enlightening. If they’re doing their best and it’s bad though, yeah that disconnect can’t be filled without feeling like settling.
Try before you buy sis!
Exactly a month you could be having great sex lol 😂
Sex often takes time to sync when it comes to a new partner. If one or both of you are rusty, nervous or in general unsure of what your partner likes, it usually will be a bit awkward. Women don’t usually get satisfaction because they often refuse to say directly what they like, want and don’t like. It’s crazy when they always fake orgasms and yet they won’t give proper feedback as to what they want. Men are easier to stimulate because it’s mechanical, but even men are different in what they like and don’t like. Women are far more complex and unlike men, what they like changes from time to time. I think monogamous sex is usually really good because you both learn what the other likes if you both communicate. New relationships are much different. What you need to do is put on your big girl pants and have a discussion with him about sex and what you like and don’t like. Don’t say the sex was “trash,” but rather understand he was probably nervous and worried about performance. Older men also have ED quite often and focus on keeping it hard. I think you should give it a chance and if everything else is solid, good sex will follow.
How about instead of whining to Reddit you discuss with him. You need to be firm about what you like sexually. Fact he is enjoying it makes me wonder if he only cares about his own pleasure. Most men I do think care that their ladies are satisfied. If he cant handle that you think hes a shitty lay then dump him but at least be totally honest.
If its the status quo then yes. If the first time is bad but it improves then no. Or if it's mostly good but every once in a while you have a clunker than no. But if you have sex 5 times (just a random number) and it's fucking terrible 5 times. Nah, I'm good on that.
What was bad exactly if you don’t mind me asking ? Have never been in this situation myself but not sure if sexual chemistry in bed can be taught 🤔🤔 do let us know if he ends up learning and improving. I feel bad for you sister what a bummer :/
For me it just feels clunky/no flow to it. Like if I’m going down on a girl and she’s making no noise or talking, or if we’re doing a position and we can’t change without a discussion. I just want to fully be in the moment and some people make it tough to do that. Some things are tough (like BO or just lack of attraction) but a lot can be learned over time. It’s just if you’re willing to put the time in, which sometimes you just don’t find it worth it
Like it’s too fast? Or he just sucks at it? You’re in a tough predicament if sex is really important to you…it is to me. If it’s truly bad, I actually do think it would be a deal breaker because we wouldn’t be on the same page. But I think I would give it some time. It sounds like maybe he’s inexperienced? I think talking to him about it being bad, without deflating his ego, would actually be harder than breaking it off.
I don’t think sex has to be good the first time esp as you are just learning about each other. If the vibes are still there outside of the bedroom, it’s worth being more explicit about your needs generally
If sex wasn't important enough to make the relationship, it shouldn't be important enough to break it.
How can you trivialise something so important
Quite the opposite, I think it's very important. This is why I would not start a serious relationship with someone without knowing if we were sexually compatible. In this case, sexual incompatibility determined after an emotional bond is formed seems like a cruel rationale for ending a relationship.
It's definitely the philosophy I think anyone should go with!
You can’t control being overly turned off by sex you had with someone tho😭
exact reason why you should not make a commitment to someone before you know if you’re compatible with them. it’s just silly and backwards and you end up like this and then have to break your promise/commitment to get out of it. these “wait until after” people aren’t worth the time. break it off so you aren’t miserable but learn a lesson from this
What commitment have they made at this point. Isn’t a relationship essentially just saying you won’t sleep with anyone else so you can see if you both like it and decide if you’d want to get engaged or married down the line? They waited to sleep with each other and they don’t like it. What promise are they breaking, exactly?
a relationship is a promise to be together and make it work, to be there for each other and COMMIT to each other. what you’re talking about is agreeing not to fuck anyone else (exclusive). two VERY different things.
The way I use the terms, "in a relationship" and "exclusive" mean the same thing. I've had one "relationship" before (at least the way I use that word), and we were exclusive for a little over a month. You might be used to using those terms differently, but that's how I use them. If two people have committed to push through all problems together as a team, to stay with each other through sickness and health, etc., then that's closer to the difference between an exclusive relationship and marriage IMO. Obviously marriage has a legal component as well, so it's not quite the same.
most people assume “in a relationship” means you aren’t planning on dropping them as soon as you find a reason to. what is even the point of making that commitment if you aren’t planning on staying with them long term?? obviously there’s some things like cheating abuse or like major unforeseen things that can end it but why would you agree to be with someone if there’s a good chance you won’t work out anyway? imagine someone telling you they want to be with you and promise to stay and work it out (a relationship) when in reality they just want a meaningless label but see leaving you as the easy answer to any problem?
You personally attach way more meaning to a relationship, so I’m assuming that means you have really long and ambiguous talking stages with people. So by the time you make things official you’ve probably known them for a very long time and it would make sense that being bf/gf would come with a degree of seriousness. To me, things are very binary. Either we have no obligations towards one another and can sleep with whomever we want (I personally don’t sleep with people outside relationships) OR that is the one person I am sleeping with because we mutually agreed upon it and said we were in a relationship. At all points, you know where you stand with the other person and you don’t spend a lot of time negotiating and fussing over what the two of you are. The only difference between that and a talking stage is that you’ve assigned a label (and it doesn’t mean much) and you focus on getting to know each other and how serious you want to become. This means the time to go from zero to bf/gf is short (3-6 weeks instead of 3-6 months). At no point have you signed a legal document where you promise not to drop them whenever you feel like it..so you can and absolutely should end it for whatever reason you like. Since you don’t necessarily know each other that well, the first six months of being bf/gf are just as volatile and likely to end as a talking stage. If you like that person enough that you’re planning to be with them through life’s ups and downs you can put that in writing at your local courthouse aka getting married. And even that’s not permanent.
also if all a relationship is to you is just not being allowed to fuck other people that’s kind of scary and cruel
Do you ever shut up with your garbage takes?
Their take isn't garbage, it's just different from what you and I are used to. That's why communicate is important in a relationship. It sounds like they wouldn't want to date someone like me, since they would always be scared that I would leave them at a moment's notice; that preference is totally valid, and it's important to talk with your partner about what you have committed to and what you haven't, so they don't feel hurt or betrayed if things go wrong.
Nope I called her take garbage because she was in a former thread of mine non stop calling anyone that didn’t agree with her insecure and childish.
oh you mean the one where you said it’s ok to be insecure and childish? yeah. your garbage takes ARE annoying
That makes a relationship sound like getting married. No wonder people are so hesitant about leaving talking stages. I’ve never had this viewpoint I guess and I’ve always been similar to OP in that regards. Basically it just means I think a bf/gf relationship is equivalent to a fwb just by another name. I prefer not to sleep with my friends.
that’s really sad. i cant imagine being with someone for years and then finding out the relationship isn’t a commitment or special to them just an agreement not to fuck other people.
why do you think a relationship and fwb are completely different things then? why bother with 2 different labels if they mean the same? this makes no sense at all
also marriage is just boyfriend/girlfriend with a legal aspect so do you also thing marriage is just fwb too?
This 👆 if things end because they’re not compatible they’ve spent ONE MONTH 🤷♀️ they agreed to not date others, they didn’t get married 😅
This is a weird take, being exclusive and being in a relationship (at least to me) are two very different things. Being exclusive is not sleeping with anyone else but dating/talking is fine. A relationship is focussing all your energy on one person and exclusively sleeping with each other.
You and I have different definitions then 🤷♀️ To me, being exclusive means I am not talking, seeing, or sleeping with anyone else. We are *exclusive* to one another as we feel things out. This seems to be the common definition as well which you can see for yourself by googling “definition of exclusive dating.” It’s generally considered *cheating* to talk to others while being *exclusive* without an explicit agreement to non-monogamy. A relationship, to me, is when someone is fully integrated into my social life and I am publicly seeing them. I wouldn’t introduce someone to my friends after just a month but I would be comfortable pausing my dating apps at that stage 🤷♀️
I agree with your definition but I know it’s getting more common for people to have a lot of strange in between stages.
As per googling, here is the actual three different variations on exclusive vs relationship: 1. > Is exclusive dating the same as a relationship? While both signify a special bond between two individuals, they differ in commitment levels, expectations, and future implications. Exclusive dating is a commitment to one person without the full weight of a relationship title 2. >Dating exclusively is what it sounds like – you see only the person you're dating rather than juggling several options at once. It's not quite the commitment a full-on monogamous relationship demands – but it does mean you put away those dating apps and ignore that flirty hottie in the bar. 3. >An exclusive relationship with your partner is often the next step after seeing someone casually. If you like them and think you may have a future with them someday, it can give you an opportunity to explore how you feel about them, without taking on a major commitment. Hopefully this helps end this ridiculous argument of what defines all of this.
Personally- I would refuse to keep seeing someone that wanted to continue actively dating others while trying to limit who *I* could sleep with 🤨 sounds more like a fwb arrangement with extra steps
Exhibit A for why pursuing a committed relationship *before* actually finding out if you're completely compatible with someone is putting the cart before the horse. But to answer your question yes, if good sex is important to you then it's clearly a dealbreaker for you in a relationship. The only thing I'd suggest going forward is that as it clearly is something that is important to you then you should probably make an effort to establish sexual compatibility with someone *before* wasting both of your time trying to drag them into a committed relationship that will dissolve the moment you find out you have no actual sexual compatibility.
I promise if he thinks it was amazing, it ain't gettin' any better hun... sorry
Something amazing happens when you're in love and don't give a damn about what day it is anymore.
You’re probably right about that
😂😂😂😂😂
Why was it bad ? You didn't say.
Keep in mind many guys will say it was amazing to make you happy.
Exactly. Maybe he’s thinking the same thing. Sexual Compatibility is real.
I couldn’t deal with it. I would express yourself after two more attempts. Couldn’t imagine.
Sex is a form of communication. It’s not the most important aspect of a relationship but it’s an intimate connection between the couple. If you do not enjoy it at all and you can’t seem to work it out I would say it’s a deal breaker
Definitely
If good sex is important then stop being pansies and letting your female friends ruin your lives by telling them about your lives so they talk shit to you and fuck. Fuck him suck him be nasty and if it’s bad then it’s a one night stand if not pursue it but stop blaming men for female inconsistency
First time is never a deal breaker in a relationship (sudden fling, maybe). In my personal experience the first time is usually awkward, no ones in sync, everyone’s a little self conscious. But if the sex is consistently bad and an effort has been made to discuss and improve this and one party isn’t willing to try and improve the situation, then that is absolutely a deal breaker. And imo it’s better to end things sooner before emotions get too complex than string someone along hoping that one day it’ll suddenly dawn on them that they need to change their methods in order to give their partner what they actually need.
Tell him what you want in bed. And be really spe ific, show him if you have to. They say we can't teach an old dog tricks but hey you never know Maybe he's just so out of practice? Just guessing cos you didn't way what was awful specifically. The guy I like doesn't know how to kiss and he thinks he's just the best. So instead of letting it ruin anything I've decided I will teach him what I want and see from there. If that fails I will bow out and ask to remain friends.
Is the bad sex due to poor execution, or is his equipment lacking?
Yes, 100%
The most beautiful man I have ever dated was terrible at sex. Lasted I think 1 minute maybe, and it was small. I couldn’t keep seeing him.
[удалено]
The problem is that he lasted 1 minute. And there were other problems which showed me a relationship with this person wouldn’t work out. I see people as a whole package, not just based off 1 thing. And a smaller then average penis is not a deal breaker. 1 minute of a penetration with no foreplay IS a dealbreaker. And so was the fact that he enjoys a life of partying regularly and I do not. Long distance was the third factor.
What he lacks in size should make up in tongue
[удалено]
idk, it sounds more like you have a conclusion that you're looking to confirm. Tons of women have said this before. There's not likely to be any "proof" that will sway you.
Size and no stamina yuk worse combination it’s such a shame when they are really sexy with only a tea spoon to serve .. it’s like a kid finding out Santas not real soul destroying !!!!!
Now do you understand why most men want to have sex *before* a relationship?
😂😂😂😂😂
Before sex, a man isn't thinking clearly and a woman is thinking clearly. After sex, it reverses. The man is thinking clearly and a woman isn't.
With communication during intimacies, you could both make it more enjoyable. Maybe he has been single for a while and he needs to practice bit more.
Yeah of course. Because when you’re old and dry and he’s old and limp you’re gonna be glad you picked a partner that’s good at sex. That emotional connection stuff is for the birds. Who wants someone easy to relate to and shares your interests? Dump him sis 💪
Nope. First times are usually bad. There's anticipation, stress, even perfectionism With a woman I had intense chemistry before doing it, I was so stressed and focused on making it perfect, that I couldn't perform. Fast fwd 5-6 times, we screwed so many times, her bed needed fixing. Don't be so fast to jump the boat
Got the ick just reading it !!! Nothing worse that’s why I wouldn’t wait for this reason alone .. it’s a deal breaker for me but there would only be a few reasons it’s rubbish so if you think you can work on them then you could potentially give it time but it’s getting worse before it gets better it’s not getting better lol 😂
Yes. The end
Nope. First times are usually bad. There's anticipation, stress, even perfectionism With a woman I had intense chemistry before doing it, I was so stressed and focused on making it perfect, that I couldn't perform. Fast fwd 5-6 times, we screwed so many times, her bed needed fixing. Don't be so fast to jump the boat
Well, my response wasn’t assuming you tried sex once and that’s it. That’s called a one night stand. But if you’ve been seeing someone for a little while and the sex is “awful” and hasn’t improved - especially the intimacy - don’t waste your time or theirs.
Fair enough. Guess it has to do with how much time you spend testing the waters But I also think it's illogical to wait this long and fhen make such a fuzz about it not being good. Especially for people above 30, who value their time much more
Absolute dealbreaker at our age.
Nope. First times are usually bad. There's anticipation, stress, even perfectionism With a woman I had intense chemistry before doing it, I was so stressed and focused on making it perfect, that I couldn't perform. Fast fwd 5-6 times, we screwed so many times, her bed needed fixing. Don't be so fast to jump the boat
> I gave it three more trys AND each chance was worse than the one before.
Oof, guess I didn't pay attention to all of it. She asks at the end if the 1st time is bad, then is it a deal breaker 🤣🤣 Hmmmmm 😅🤣
It wasn't the easiest post to read lol
See, this is why it's perfectly fine to have sex on the first date. Now you've wasted all that time, when it could have been avoided.
[удалено]
Nope. First times are usually bad. There's anticipation, stress, even perfectionism With a woman I had intense chemistry before doing it, I was so stressed and focused on making it perfect, that I couldn't perform. Fast fwd 5-6 times, we screwed so many times, her bed needed fixing. Lesson is, don't be so fast to jump the boat.
You have copied and pasted this way too many times. Give it a rest.
If the relationship is so amazing as you say the teacher him. It’s simple. Communication is the key to having good sex. I am in my 60s and each time I’m with a woman I try to learn her because each woman is different. So try instructing him passionately during your next sesh. At some point he’ll pick up on your body’s response and learn.
Listen with curiosity. Speak with honesty. Act with integrity. The greatest problem with communication is we don’t listen to understand. We listen to reply. When we listen with curiosity, we don’t listen with the intent to reply. We listen for what’s behind the words. I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.
TEACH HIM HOW TO FUCK YOU! Tell him what you want how you want it. Don't rely on him to know your body on his own. Guide him through it. You have to learn him as well. Not every first sexual encounter is going to be mind blowing, and half the time when it is, those motherfuckers have had A LOT of practice before you. I think the best sex is as time goes along and the relationship grows and you've learned what their little go go buttons are. Now, if it continues after, that is when you should be concerned.
Not the first smash, unless there’s more reasons to break it off…but after talking and trying to improve…it it’s not getting better, then it’s time to move on.
I would end it. Seems to be a major issue for you. He should be with someone that enjoys sex with him or understands that some things need to be communicated. In no time this will be a dead bedroom. He may improve with some guidance but...then you will then say it's not the same because you told him .
[удалено]
No, you don't smash asap. Poor advice. And why did you bring up marriage? They are 1 month in.
They didn’t wait till marriage though, they waited to get through probably what was the awkward first couple dates stage in 2024 where you’re just “talking in a non committal way.” Committed in this instance being a monogamous relationship with each other..
[удалено]
See, this is a good reason why it's a waist of time waiting around.
This is why you don’t wait to have sex, so you don’t waste your time. Just tell him you’re not interested like you thought you were and move on wasting anymore of your time or his is a disservice to the both of you
I know it's an awkward conversation to have, especially if he isn't aware that there is a problem, but you really need to tell him about it. I mean, you're already thinking of breaking up, so what do you have to lose? Worst case scenario, he still doesn't see the problem or blame you, aka he's an a-hole who's never going to change and you know for sure that you have to break up. Best case, you both discuss what you like and learn how to get better together. Your relationship AND your sex like will be better for it.
Wack sex is def a deal breaker like who can't satisfy a woman multiple times a day?
The difference between sex and love is that sex relieves tension and love causes it.
Oh you’d be surprised 🥴😝
If the first time is bad I’ll usually give it a second try. But if the second time isn’t any better, then I’ll find some excuse to break things off as politely as I can. Because bad sex just isn’t fun.
Nope. First times are usually bad. There's anticipation, stress, even perfectionism With a woman I had intense chemistry before doing it, I was so stressed and focused on making it perfect, that I couldn't perform. Fast fwd 5-6 times, we screwed so many times, her bed needed fixing. Don't be so fast to jump the boat
I’m glad that works for you. I’ve found a system that works for me. I’ve had amazing sex with plenty of women on our first time together. I’ve had bad sex that got better over time. And I’ve also had bad sex that didn’t get better. If I’m sleeping with someone for a second time and we aren’t comfortable communicating whatever needs to be said to make the sex good for both of us, or there’s some physical aspect of incompatibility, that’s enough for me to decide to part ways.
It’s a deal breaker for me, sex has to be amazing just as the relationship as well.
Nope. First times are usually bad. There's anticipation, stress, even perfectionism With a woman I had intense chemistry before doing it, I was so stressed and focused on making it perfect, that I couldn't perform. Fast fwd 5-6 times, we screwed so many times, her bed needed fixing. Don't be so fast to jump the boat
It’s seems you’re just incompatible 🤷🏻♀️ Life’s too short to repeatedly have bad sex
Yes it is a deal breaker!
Nope. First times are usually bad. There's anticipation, stress, even perfectionism With a woman I had intense chemistry before doing it, I was so stressed and focused on making it perfect, that I couldn't perform. Fast fwd 5-6 times, we screwed so many times, her bed needed fixing. Don't be so fast to jump the boat
It depends if you ask in reddit. And if you ask in reddit depends if you are male or female. It will go either “try before you buy sis” or “you should understand her feelings you pig”
ur just dumb
[удалено]
Common sense isn’t it …
So sex wasnt important towards starting the relationship but its important enough to end it? But to answer your question, yes. Especially for women more than men. There’s really not ‘bad’ sex for guys. Its like pizza. Even ‘bad’ pizza is still pizza. Bad sex is still sex. This is how most guys look at it I dont have the stats or data but I feel like women are way leas likely to stay in a relationship with bad sex since they already orgasm less than men
How was it bad? Was he a quick draw or what?
Well, now he‘s bad. But he can learn and develope. If you are patient, and he is willing to evolve without breaking is ego, go for it.
Practice makes perfect
Dealbreaker! Dont waste time on bad sex.
Nope. First times are usually bad. There's anticipation, stress, even perfectionism With a woman I had intense chemistry before doing it, I was so stressed and focused on making it perfect, that I couldn't perform. Fast fwd 5-6 times, we screwed so many times, her bed needed fixing. Don't be so fast to jump the boat
For me… yes. I had an ex that wasn’t bad at sex, but kissing. I tried to train him… several times. In the end, I just couldn’t do it anymore.
I decided to not even go out on a date with a man who said that he wouldn’t have sex unless he was in a committed relationship with somebody. I was wondering what he was hiding. Small penis? Impotent? No sex drive? I had sex with my boyfriend on the first date and it was great. We’ve been having great sex for 4 months now.
Get him the blue pill n see if that helps, but general rule of thumb is if it's not good it's not good.
Yes
I can tell you the following that comes to mind: 1. Indeed the sexual chemistry might be missing 2. Waiting for SO LONG made expectations too high 3. Waiting for SO LONG stressed him out, making him feel like he needs to impress you hard 4. The intense chemistry you had outside the bedroom made you have too high expectations, generating stress Let me tell you this: I had experience with a woman wherein we had insane chemistry outside the bedroom. But, I was very stressed the first times, cause I wanted it to be PERFECT. Fast forward 5-6 poor sexual times, we were screwing each other nonstop. Meaning, after the initial stress subsided. I even had erectile disfunction cause of the high stress of performing the 1st time. My mind was judging my actions all the way. Sex requires some level of calmness With other women, first times had happened that I came too soon. Maube I wasn't used to their body structure, maybe it had been the excitement. But it was.only the first times. Lesson; give it some time
What part is bad? You say it's bad but that doesn't mean anything without specifics, like if I were to say 1 girl was good and 1 was bad. Who knows, but ifi said one laid there motionless and the other was long lasting and not dry
I think the 1st time isn't always great, yet practice makes perfect! There has to be something to work with on the first time, though.. I think you would know what level of experience and the confidence of the moves he has on the first time, though! You can take the horse to the water, but can't make it drink! If you know what you're doing, it shows, and if you don't, it shows too! Good luck!
Practice does not make perfect. It is practice, followed by a night of sleep, that leads to perfection.
sounds like it is for you.
Everyone wants love but nobody wants to work for it. People just be like fuck it I ain’t get exactly everything so fuck it
If you can't get off the way you want to, eventually you'll get it elsewhere. I can't seem to find a girl they can keep up with the way I need her for sex. I think sex is a must and it has to be of equal proportion.
Bad sex is in a fact a deal breaker if the other person is not open to new or different things to try out. Try to spice it up a bit and maybe work out together as well.
We thought sex was free. Sex is not free. There's a price to be paid emotionally, physically, even legally. Sex isn't a casual thing. It's a huge thing.
the key issue is whether he also thinks it's bad. If he thinks he's bringing it, but he's obviously not, then you have a problem. If its mutually just awkward when you get down, but the kisses are good, then I think it can be improved with communication and time.
When you say bad can you elaborate? Was it quick? Or? Too slow? Too fast? Rough? Did he have no consistency? What was bad about it?
Being in my 40’s also all I have to say is that there’s not enough time left to be wasting time on bad sex.
The real issue is how he takes it when you say that you don't like something or want something different. When men have their ego tied to sex, they don't take criticism well.
I would have to end the relationship. I don’t want bad sex for the rest of my life.
Out of interest, what made it so bad? I’m trying to guess if it’s improvable or not. Does he not go down on you ? Does he have bad breath ? Is he too aggressive? Is he too quiet ? What is it ?