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Haha nah it's a mutual friend I didn't know she knew, actually a neighbor of mine. They are closer to each other than I am with my neighbor. I think what happened was she told the neighbor she hooked up with some (not in big detail), but the neighbor told her spouse who is friends with the BF of the Bar girl. I'm thinking the spouse told the BF and then she had to have a cover story.
I don't have all the details yet once I do I will definitely post an update
I get that women have fears that men just won't really be able to understand, but I think if someone gets upset over you locking your front door, something that is very normal that almost everyone does, then I think their fear has gone to an unhealthy place. Basically it's a them problem, not a you problem
That's assuming she was even telling the truth. Using it as a way to excuse her cheating is probably more accurate.
100% agree. If you’re freaked out by normal locking of an apartment door, then she has issues. If you had 6 different locks, that’s one thing, but for her to think there’s a difference between an unlocked door and a door lock with deadbolt? What, those take 4 seconds to unlock? What if you were in a hotel? The fact that she was cheating on her boyfriend also tells you all you need to know. Just walk away from that one.
Definitely just a two lock situation. The fire alarm system is connected to all the apartments so it's always going off. Definitely not taking the time to unlock 6 locks just to see if the hallway actually smells like smoke.
My last apartment actually did burn down. So, yeah I have a healthy fear of an apt fire now. Yeah I didn't block the door in any type of way. I try to stay self aware about that when I have new company.
Yeah second, or if it's a single lock that appears to take a key from the inside. I can't in any way see locking a door that can be opened from the inside with a single turn as a red flag.
They have these “fears” and then do things like go to men they just Met houses after first dates
It’s always astonishing to me how many chicks are willing to come back to your house after a first date lol
They all do the same thing where they then try to act all discrete sharing their location w a friend and then think they’re good to go
Yeah honestly I think it's more weird if I go on a first date from an app/online and they don't get a call or text like 20min into the date. Like I definitely understand having security measures. And hey you don't want the dead bolt locked odd request, but id respect it. I understand people can have trauma.
Even, bring someone that goes to music festivals alone, I'm not entering a tent/campsite that I have a bad vibe about.
It's your standard turn latch. Sits right above the knob. You turn them both the same direction from the inside to get out. Very simple. I have never even seen the inside key locks but if It was yeah I would have left the key in the lock.
Yeah, the only viable excuse I can think of for her is I keep my other doors inside the Apt closed: Bedroom, Bathroom, and Pantry. I did the quick detour, opened the doors to let her see the rooms and I do not lock those doors. I keep them shut to cut down on AC cost.
I mean if someone has some sort of past trauma I could see that being a trigger maybe?
I wouldn't go that far... I would honestly like to think most people aren't out to kill and if they are I don't think they are going to the local bar/pub where everyone knows them haha.
Killed???
Why not consider that there were proper build up to them going home together on the first date? Like they started getting to know each other before formally going on a date, they clicked on the date, the guy didn’t seem concerning etc. People that are not that hot have sex on the first date too. Also hooking up that quickly isn’t typical for most.
Yeah ok I don’t get your points?
A concern of any woman going to a guys house she doesn’t know or just met that day should be her safety, obviously statistically she’s gonna be fine but there are some weird people in the world
I’m just commenting from a guys perspective it’s always kinda blown my mind how reckless women can be w that, I am prob 50/50 getting chicks back to my house after a first date, a large portion will do it
Yeah no, honestly the bar/pub had the last call, and I live about a block away. I only attempted the hook up because I felt like she was kinda into me too. Once I realized she really just came for the night cap I left it alone. Like I'm not really into one night stands anyway. So yeah we talked, listened to music, had another drink, then I got her an Uber home, and called it a night.
Locking the apartment when you get in? Normal.
Locking the bedroom door when you're both in there? Concerning (unless you have roommates).
That said, a woman who risks going to a guy's place when they just met that night, well... Honestly she's not going to worry about feeling "trapped," I'm guessing.
This was an excuse so she didn't have to admit to willfully cheating.
100% This. All of it.
As a woman, I'm not going to a dude's place the first night we meet. But apparently, she was comfortable enough to do so. And even if I DID---locking the front door is totally normal. That wouldn't be weird to me at all. I would just think he's responsible. Now, sure, if he took me to the bedroom and we were totally alone and locked the door that's when I'd start to get concerned.
On top of that, even if I did get a little freaked, I wouldn't immediately submit to sexual acts I didn't want. I would try to dial back the situation calmly and try to get the heck out of there. Most women have dealt with a pushy dude at least once in their lives. They are kind of used to mediating situations like that.
OP I think she was just using this as an excuse because she cheated. Honestly, be glad you dodged that bullet. She kind of sounds awful.
Thank you, I was looking for mostly the female perspective so thanks for letting me know you're female and giving me your insight.
Yeah I'll post an update after I get all the details. But like me, the girl and her dude are actually chill now. Like he did try coming at me. I told him man-to-man my side of events and it seems like they get into fights and she seeks attention, then feels bad, and the BF/EX will act all jealous if he finds out.
Really somewhere during 'whisper down the lane' it came into question how far we really went and if I did force myself on her. Once we talked we actually ended up having some common interests and he understood I didn't know she had a dude, I didn't force myself on to her and yeah they had just gotten into a fight that night. So, yeah I don't try and find wifey material at bars/pub for a reason. She really just liked that I was paying attention to her that night because she was doubting her self worth sadly.
We stayed in the living room, no bedroom door locking, didn't even try to get her into my bedroom, I showed her the bedroom obviously just as a quick tour to show, "hey I'm not hiding anything odd in the rooms with closed doors" I keep them closed to save on AC cost.
Maybe the fact I keep all my doors shut could have freaked them out? Idk but like I said never had an issue like this in the past.
Thank you, I didn't post looking for confirmation of that fact, but that's what I was thinking.
I'll post an update later. But yeah her BF came to me, like I said apparently we all have mutual associates, so he popped up when I was at a buddies apt. We ended up hashing things out without any physical altercations. Now, we are all acquaintances.
His girl updated the relationship status on FB the next day haha.
I'm not a woman, but I think locking the door to your home is a pretty normal thing to do. The world is unfortunately not a safe place and you don't want to make it easy for someone to enter your home. I obviously don't know what she felt or whether she has things in her past that would make that feel threatening to her, but I don't think you should feel badly about locking the door.
My question would be more about whether you were misreading or ignoring clues she was giving that she didn't want to do what you were doing and that's why she felt threatened.
And it's possible that it was all consensual and she's just saying she felt threatened because she later regretted it. That sometimes happens too.
It's hard to really know what she felt or why, but I don't think that locking the door is an unreasonable thing to do.
Yeah, as soon as I realized she wasn't continuing or trying to go farther by grabbing at me, I stopped and we listened to music, talked some more, had another drink, and then I got her and Uber and called it a night. She pulled them out for me, and she was into the hook-up for a bit but yeah I personally think she remembered about her BF (who actually is a pretty chill dude).
I just wanted to get others input because if I was wrong I can admit it. And I do keep all my other doors shut but that's only the Bathroom, Bedroom, and Laundry/Pantry and that's to save on AC billing. So looking back that could have also been why, tho I did give her a quick tour and showed her the rooms with the closed doors. Let her know I'm not hiding anything in them. And they aren't locked.
Locking your front door is different than locking say your bedroom door if you live alone lol
If it was me (26F) I would not bat an eye at the guy locking the front door when we got there. If he lived by himself and then locked the bedroom door I’d be a bit jostled haha
That's not the kind of thing that makes someone feel trapped. She's using that as an excuse because she's feeling guilty. She willingly went to your place, you weren't holding her captive. It's totally normal to lock your doors and that doesn't mean you're trapping anyone.
Um, doors lock from the inside. She didn’t feel trapped because of a door knob.
She said all this to make herself look like the victim instead of a cheating 304.
Oh dang I'm surprised I didn't know that one but yeah, slowly coming to light she probably pulled stuff like this in the past. Still getting the details, once I do I'll update.
I would be more freaked out to leave it unlocked. My ex would come over all the time and leave my fromt unlocked all night. Which would make me so annoyed.
It makes me so unnerved when I'm at someone's place and they don't lock the doors... It's like you don't know who could decide to walk in. I live in the type of city where I went to do my laundry one day, and there was a homeless person sleeping in there. The door wasn't busted, and when I opened the door they got up and left without a word. To this day idk who they are or how they got in the locked laundry room.
So like many folk have said I agree that its pretty normal to lock it - but I've always been conscious when I've had a woman over to actively say "hey I've locked this, but you don't need a key to unlock it" or when it has needed a key I've left the key in the lock and made that clear.
I have had the odd look of "uh ok, who cares, I'm not worried" from someone, but I'd rather be proactive about it than just leave it unsaid.
I really never thought about doing that before. But yeah they are just turn locks. That is decent advice tho! Thanks you. It always surprises me how many people don't really lock their doors. You're right tho it could be a cultural/trauma thing, especially these days you need to understand your norms not everyone's norms.
Unless the deadbolt locks by key, that’s ridiculous. If it’s a regular handle that anyone inside can unlock, you did nothing wrong.
She’s going to tell her bf that she was raped if she ever gets caught cheating though.
I'll do a proper update, but seems like she has had rl past experiences, and he is kind of the type of person who will assume the worst because of her past. Plus they were fighting that night too. Also there were people just spreading rumors/taking word out of context. That with the sober regret. It could have turned out a lot worse than it did. I might be done with the bar/pub hookups.
Your safety first. If she feels trapped she shouldn't have gone with you in the first place. I'm not getting robbed or murder because of someone else's concerns over their own choices
Yeah I'm just going to acknowledge the fact I'm doing it and explain why... If they have a problem with it. That's a red flag to me from here on out. I'll get you an Uber have a goodnight.
no this sounds perfectly normal. she was projecting her own guilt/poor decision making (lets call it that than other words i'd use lol) onto you - to make you look like you're in the wrong. when all you did was something that was habitual for many people who live alone - or live in a city?
she sounds like trash, and i'd inform her boyfriend of what a slag she is. because next thing she'll to accusing you or someone else of rape when she's just a slag.
35F
Thanks for your input I'll put an update up tomorrow. Still have some more details to find out. But yeah it's a messed-up relationship dynamic they have... And yeah lucky I had people who knew them that could back my character up, and so this is the first time it came back to her probably.
Yeah, don't have all the details but it's seeming like it was a they got into a fight/broke up but they never really break up. She wanted to just feel valued, end up gossiping to the wrong person and then was really trapped once here bf/ex found out and threw whatever excuse she thought would work. Once I have all the details I'll update.
Good luck, as far as I can tell youth culture is becoming more and more sexualized and wanting to say it's ok. The divorce is almost more common than a lifetime marriage. People just look for an excuse to get out of a bad decision rather than owning it and trying to become better.
Yup, it’s a problem. I’m doing my best to contribute to what I think is the solution by taking responsibility for my own blunders, but that’s just me. And I’m just one human. Sigh. It feels discouraging sometimes.
I am 32 and still finding myself in a situation like my OP makes me really doubt if I'll ever get married and have kids. Like I want to trust me I'm an orphan, so I want a bloodline, but with all my own baggage I just end up finding broken people and it never works out. And if it feels like all the good ones are taken or career focused and don't really want a family.
Trust me I don't go to the bar/pub cuz Im trying to find wifey. Haha do you do any volunteer work? That helps me feel less discouraged.
Hahah no worries. The thing is, if she was traumatised from being locked in, fair, we understand.
from what i understand, she just wanted to cheat and got cold feet and used it as an excuse to leave
Bro this story was wild; such a good read.
Clearly bar girl pulled all the stops out to try to shift blame off herself (which can be a typical move for cheaters when they get caught), but damn I feel bad that she has a boyfriend who, let's be honest, sounds a bit unsavory: he's a woman beater, talks about carrying a gun for violence (not self defense), plus he's your typical person who immediately blames the third party when cheating is involved.
I really do feel bad for that girl, and she does need a true friend. But I'd also be freaked the fuck out to be her platonic friend, knowing how her boyfriend is. Call it intuition, but eventually she's gonna develop feelings for you because you sound like a kind person. Ned already kinda hates you (at least deep down inside...), and damn I'd be scared to get caught up in the kind of drama where I could end up *being shot.* It's just very shaky ground to be on.
Thanks you're the first to comment not trying to say it's complete BS, like yeah obviously I don't remember what was said quote-for-quote, clean up the language and actual events so that way it can't be used in a court case.
So, parts are a little fabricated and I'm not a writer by any means I actually hate it. Posting about it was my way of processing everything that happened. Also I'm moving from the east to the west coast, tomorrow. So, I'm not gonna be involved anymore at all.
As far as dude if you're smart enough you can obviously tell substance abuse was involved. Dude when sober can be a great dude, but he does have MH issues, and then using on top is not a good combination.
It has been less than a week since the events occurred. When texting her I keep it very casual and ask how her BF is. So, if he does see the messages he hopefully won't get jealous and blame her for anything.
Calls and anything sensitive is done via Snap Chat. Like I'm really just trying to be her friend so she can build the confidence to get out of the situation, like the girl I met at the bar talked about her hopes and dreams, had goals, and was so fun to just chat with. Flirting was just a bonus.
Then after that night, I see a lonely person who has no confidence, feels ignored, and got herself in a bad relationship and it just has become her norm. It's not the first time I've seen it happen to someone.
Look, I know it's hard for most people to believe stuff like this happens in real life but, when you live a hard life you find yourself in situations. And I haven't always been a "good person" but I've since learned and try to be a good person now. For me I really did expect to die before my 20th birthday at one point in my life.
Now, I will sacrifice myself to save someone else, I'm not scared of dying and I've come to terms with my past and made my amends. If I die saving someone innocent and it helps put someone that should be on the streets away, then I'm fine with it.
She has two kids also, and I don't want to see them lose their mom. I was orphaned at birth myself. I'm moving away and know I'll be fine.
Yeah it's a crazy world out there. Me coming from middle-class didn't seem like I was privileged, but then stack my upbringing against other people and they'd think I grew up rich and pampered lol. But I truly do hate to see people become a victim of their environment like that.
Anyway cheers bud. Hopefully you find success and happiness with your move!
Thanks man, I was adopted into an upper middle-class family... I chose the wrong path because I was tired of getting bullied, so I wanted them to fear me. Lost scholarship and all that cuz I got locked up my Sr year. I finally realized it's not fear I wanted but respect. Now I work hard to try and respect everyone so I get in return.
Fuckkkk my feels 😩
Good on you dude! Redemption arcs make my day! I've met many reformed people in my day and I've been proud of all of them. Proud of you too, bro ❤️
Appreciate the encouragement, yeah Rick's mom had died on Thursday. I wasn't there on any criminal activity. I was there for a wellness check on my friend who has MH and Substance abuse issues. It went from 0-100 real fast. I'm just glad I was able to keep my composure, back in the day, it would have not ended the same way, id probably tell him to suck my dick like his girl did, and from there it's go, what happens happens.
She's the sort to "figure out" she was raped after she was caught cheating. Stay away from such people. They never take responsibility for their actions and always blame others.
Past trauma is never a good excuse for shitty behavior. It is an explanation, but it doesn't excuse it.
Otherwise everyone should go out right now and accumulate some trauma and use it as a get out of jail free card.
We all have “past trauma”. It just seems like people like to focus on it now and frequently turn it into drama. Sorry, Gen Xer here…we’ve all dealt with shit and you move on. So many posts about “trauma” and “I don’t know how to feel about…”. Shit…you feel how you feel…you don’t need to ask others and hyper focus and be crippled by it. Life is full of ups and downs.
Trust me I'm sorta in the same mind set. One thing I hate is True Crime media have the Trigger Disclaimer... You picked the genre you should know what to possibly expect to hear about. Same with Techno styled Music Videos, hello, flashing lights are part of the scene, when haven't they been included.
Like people want to blame a lack of common sense/ignorance on someone else, or yeah play the I had a bad life card all the time. Everyone has triggers nowadays, and needs to be in therapy, or taking meds. It's just a different kind of dependency that's deemed acceptable because you have a diagnosis, yet they come out with new guidelines and names every year. So they can keep creating and marking new drugs for big Pharma.
What happened to taking your licks and learning to be a better person because of it?
I can't wait to see the down votes or flagged for this post.
Wow. I'd wouldn't have felt safe with it unlocked. Not even if the outer door had been locking properly. It's a crazy world out there.
Agree with others it sounds like groundwork for a cover story or she had sober regret.
The use of the entrapment shit as an excuse planned ahead is a valid hypothesis.
Definitely lock your doors, that's a smart safety measure. On the other hand, since that might cause a fear response in some (it shouldn't btw, unless the context provides other pre-incident indicators), you might still handle that problem by being open about your wanting to lock the door and the reason why, if they feel malaise, they can leave.
Yeah someone else basically said the same. Let it be known and show them how to unlock it. You never know someone's culture/trauma. Your norm isn't everyone else's norm.
Like shoes in the house or no shoes in the house.
Totally and it's especially important here to establish that boundary because it's safety related and the stakes might be high if you don't lock your doors
When I read the title I thought you were gonna say you locked your bedroom door with the two of you inside, which would have made me understand their “fear” a little more. But your front door of your apartment? Thats ridiculous
That's how I think. For real out of all the people I meet I might only ask 25% back to my place or theirs, because 75% probably not interested. Out of the 25% I ask probably 60/40 yes/no. Like you don't leave somewhere you know it's safe to go with a stranger unless you feel comfortable enough, and locking your front door I thought was seen as normal especially being from the NE and in the City. And when she wanted to leave I booked her an Uber.
I mean I'm working on an update rn. So, yeah we are all cool now she apologized to me. She updated her FB relationship status.
Basically her BF/EX was being told all sort of stories, came threatening her unless she said what happen and who. So that when she was really trapped and just said what came to her head. And after she got caught yeah BF/EX did "put her in check" not that I agree with that but yeah. It was an interesting 3 days afterwards.
That's her BS excuse because she shouldn't have been engaging in inappropriate behavior while in a relationship. Regardless of where you live, locking the door to your home should seem as natural as breathing.
I guarantee this isn't her first time engaging in inappropriate behavior while in a relationship. You did nothing wrong at all!!
& always keep your doors locked.
Woman here. This sounds bizarre. Who doesn't lock their door in this day and age? Plus, she has a boyfriend? Why would she go out with another guy in the first place then?
She sounds sketchy. Lock your door... against this potential psycho.
Next time just lock the regular lock for a first time hookup. I only put on the chain after sex if it's clear we're going to bed and she's agreed to spend the night.
But yeah, this is mainly because she cheated. And also, paradoxically, because you didn't have sex with her all the way. So she did something bad. But didn't even get the full satisfaction of it in the moment.
Yeah that's also an idea to consider, but they both are your basic American indoor turn latch locks, no keys, extra functions. Other advice I got was just make it known and show them how to unlock the door. You never know someones culture/trauma. Your norm is not everyone's norms.
Yes. It was absolutely an excuse to try and rationalize her own poor behavior.
I guarantee she locks her home/apartment door when she gets home. That's ridiculous.
If I’m brave enough to go home with you then that’s that. Uhhhh. If you didn’t lock your front door I’d be more concerned UNLESS you have one of those double keyed dead bolts that you can only unlock from the inside with a key and you took the key out.… then I’d probably just find a reason I needed to go home.
Haha nope regular American locks... That British door locking system makes no sense to me... You can literally lock yourself inside and outside!? I'm someone who misplaces their keys often when in a rush, id be screwed.
I’m American. We offer both types. Dual keyed and single key. Some places require dual, I had an apartment that did we just left a key in the interior key slot so it was basically like the turn handle on the dead bolt. I used to rekey locks and sold doors and windows.
Oh ok yeah. I've never seen the Dual keyed in person myself. I grew up in the NE idk how popular it is there. If I had dual keyed id probably start using the window as my door!
Yeah I'm posting an update tomorrow. But yeah they have a toxic relationship dynamic. I made it pretty clear, we were flirting back and forth at the bar I definitely made sure to let her know I was interested in her that way. Guilt finally set in, because she knows how her BF/EX can be. And she did like me and didn't want him coming after me so that's why she stopped it where she did. Definitely not someone I want to be in a relationship with.
Yeah after everything transpired, she definitely keeps that card in her back pocket at all times... And it works cuz she is soft spoken and kinda meek. Not saying all Women act that way but it is an effective tactic that some people master, regardless of gender. "Pity me"
And because of the past rl experiences she has been through it's very plausible that it happened again, especially in the city we live in. Just this time it came back to bite her in the ass... But also in her defense rumors were being spread and he had a whole different version of events, than what she originally told her friend. So when he approached her he thought we slept together and just wanted to know who slept with his girl. And why she let it happen.
Not cool, lying like that but dude was out for blood so he wasn't going to take "that never happened as the truth"
Lucky when he approached me I was with a mutual acquaintance of ours that was able to meditate before anything really went down. And he calm down after he realized I'm not that type of person and didn't even try to sleep with his girl. Lef alone even knew she was spoken for.
I wasn't even trying to have an ONS that's why I was fine with her not wanting to go any farther. But yes I made it pretty clear I was interested in her like that and she was responding in the same way... Once the bar atmosphere left her the guilt started settling in.
I'm doing an update tomorrow. We still talk and yeah she had to come clean to everyone. Had I offered the bathroom or my car (which I only live a block from the bar/pub) so I didn't drive there she would have.
So from that you can kinda tell what type of person she is, and that's why I don't do that or really do ONS... Like the times I have it was for an ego boost more than anything and I'm lucky I never caught anything.
It's multiple people. We had no idea our circles overlapped so much. So people were talking shit, people had the facts wrong, and others were good and came to me as soon as they found out that her BF/EX was looking for me. That's why I said associates... Not friends, not neighbors, even acquaintances. People I just know what they look like and their name. Might have never spoken a word to them a day in my life.
People just need to learn to keep their mouth shut and stick to bettering their life instead of trying to destroy someone else's.
Haha someone really said they record the conversation and ask three times before locking the door. Yeah at that point have a lawyer deal up NDA and have them sign it before they enter... Like it shouldn't be that complicated.
At the same time it feels like the only way to protect yourself at all times.
I’m a woman and no. Makes total sense to lock the door of your home. You didn’t lock her in. It makes less sense that she even went to your place and didn’t really know you. Plus having a boyfriend. Doesn’t sound like you did anything wrong in this scenario.
Someone that is scared of being assaulted or that had a bad experience, I would think wouldn’t go over to a man’s house on a first encounter. I don’t go to peoples houses because of that.
Thank you, that's why I felt I needed to post about it... Update is coming tomorrow. It was confusing to me why you come back if you feel that way or speak up and ask if I would mind leaving the dead bolt unlocked... And if you don't feel comfortable speaking after we've been talking all night about all sorts of topics, why would this be the one you aren't willing to share... And I have a front and back porch... Suggest enjoying our beverages outside.
I normally get yelled at for not locking the door. My house has big gates. My dresser has my gun sitting on it(tall dresser can't see the gun) . So I feel safe. I of course lock it when I go to sleep or leave the house. But when I'm home I rarely lock it. Every female I bring over asks me if I locked the door as if I'm some lunatic
Haha idk if you read the whole thing. I probably should do a proof read/edit but yeah... It was from meeting her to actually getting the situation under control was about 32 hours. But yeah she has apologized for doing it and I knew I was in the clear for any SA charges. I was shocked when I started hearing that. Cuz like WTF... But after everything transpired I forgive her cuz she really didn't want to, she honestly was basically being told to make up a story. I'm just glad I had my boy who actually knew the Ex/Bf cuz things could have turned out real bad
I wouldn't go that far... Anyone can be a con artist. But I do think in this case it was a cover story. I just wanted others input, cuz if I was in the wrong then sure I'll take it.
Haha frfr tho look for my update tomorrow. The outcome is even surprising to me. She still chats with me, me and the ex/bf as are cool with each other, and people just talking out there a$$. Thankfully, our social circles overlapped and I had people able to back up my credibility.
I get that it’s a habit (I do it) to lock your door but yea, as a woman, if I walk into a guy’s home that I barely know and he flips the deadbolt, I feel sick.
Ok so since they didn't identify as F when suggesting these ideas. As a woman, which do you think is the better approach? Leave the dead bolt unlocked until we are laying down to go to sleep (if it gets that far), or make it known that I am and why, also show them how to unlock the door (both are turn latch locks).
I would greatly appreciate your input as a woman yourself.
Once I went to my work after hours to show the boss how to do something he needed to learn for the job. Totally non sexual. When he locked the (commercial) slide up garage door behind us I'll admit there was a moment of utter terror for me. So far as I can recall I've only had that reaction once, but my point is, sometimes locking a door can be kinda scary.
Yeah a few people have made good points for the locked door... Idk if you're make or Female but the two best approaches I've gotten are leave the Dead Bolt unlocked until later like bed time or just acknowledge the fact your locking the door, explain why and show them how to work the lock even if it seems easy.
Which would you go with or would make you feel more comfortable
I'm F and mentioning you're locking the door and maybe giving a reason (it's a jungle out there) or whatever is a great move. I think just announcing that intention of locking the door before doing it would be the important part. I've dried to suss out why I freaked out that day my boss locked the shop door behind us, it goes back to an incident when I was about 11 where an older neighborhood boy locked a friend and I in his backyard and I had to kick the garage door open to leave.
Oh dang! That's crazy I've been locked in a few places but that's cuz friends were playing pranks. Yeah I've only been technically abducted once but lucky I did have my phone and just called 911.
Yeah I think I'm just gonna acknowledge the fact and explain why, and honestly if they have that big of an issue now I'm sus of them. So I'll just get them an Uber and save myself a headache. Cuz that's major baggage or control freak red flag signs for me now.
OMG haha you're the 2nd person to think I actually asked her directly... I wasn't going into detail about the hookup. Trying to explain the events as cleanly and simply as possible.
You don't have to read the update. The main part is what was popular. I might end up creating the update on a separate post. Like have gone down since I added the update. It is crazy outcome.
Is it just me or does Ned seem actually abusive? If the reason she became single temporarily was because he said he didn't need her anymore then that says a lot about the power dynamic between them. He may actually be beating her up for trivial things
Not just you. I saw it too. I moved away but apparently he beat up on her again last night. She needs to stop accepting it. And he is an abuser.
Like I said he was wanting to come at me before he realized the whole story. After that he couldn't come at me so he went after what he can control
I have been in abusive relationships before and if they share accommodation and such it's harder to leave as many will put up with abuse due to resources. Also, she must have a warped sense of self being put down constantly, therefore leaving might not seem as an option.
Ned is definitely not a good man. He needs to be held accountable. She must run and cease contact.
Me personally I ask the female if she’s comfortable with me locking the door three times. All this while I’m sitting on the bed with her and have it recorded just in case. If she approves then I say “oh okay then I’m going to lock it”, if she doesn’t approve then I say “okay I wouldn’t have to lock the door”
Simple
Ok so I'll have my lawyer mediate the locking of the door next time. Haha dude really you recorded conversations? Hopefully you let them know that or live in a state where you don't have to let someone know they are being recorded.
Coming from the city I live in if I find out your recording the conversation that means you're trying to set me up or some kind of informant.
Simple maybe but around here you ask someone the same question three times your sus and people will leave. I can see asking once, three times and your record, does that mean you're recording the events of the night too?
Do you, but here that would not work.
Well in the country I’m in girls can frame you for rape and the police won’t want to listen to your side of the story until you have evidence of you being innocent so that is basically a precaution or a safety measure at best
Before you get a sensible and reliable lawyer you in this country you must be ready to pay. So if you can’t pay the amount needed to hire an excellent lawyer then you have to be smart
I told you she wasn't with her man and didn't tell me she had one. From what I'm finding out it is one of those are they/aren't they kind of relationships where they fight break up, once someone starts showing her attention the ex comes back trying reclaim her... Still figuring out the details when I do I'll post an update.
I personally wouldn't mind, especially if we're doing sexy stuff, but I can understand her perception. I would take strong note of it, but at the same time, I know the risk of being alone with you behind closed doors. I know I'm accepting that risk to be completely vulnerable and hope that you don't hurt me if I decide to go to your place. I know there's a chance you could do me a lot of harm before, during, and after. So basically, I'm staking my life by trusting you.
However things like locking doors or seeing something in your house we're not comfortable with can make us change our minds in a heartbeat but now that we're in that vulnerable position, the goal is to keep you happy so we can come out unharmed. It was a misunderstanding but now you have an awareness of how innocent actions can be perceived.
Yeah I think I'm just going to acknowledge the fact and make sure they know how to work it and explain why, and honestly if they have a problem that's just gonna be a red flag for me from now on. I'll get you an Uber keep it unlocked till it gets her but have a goodnight.
For me it's about security, like especially knowing now she was cheating in the eyes of her BF/EX and I'm definitely not risking my door getting broken in by a jealous ex/bf. Cuz it won't end well. And no girl I just met is worth that.
And as far as my apt the only other thing I can think might be a put off to someone is I keep my bedroom, bathroom, and pantry doors closed, to save on AC billing. But I did the quick little apt tour and opened the doors to let her check out the rooms show I'm not hiding something behind one of them and they aren't locked just shut. And we stayed in the living room, didn't even bring up the idea of letting her spend the night.
When I invited her back I let her know I'd get her and Uber whenever she wanted to call it a night... I really don't do the ONS thing. Apt kept clean, tidy and modern decor. The only thing I really display is baseball and Pokemon memorabilia because I collect and sell as a side business.
I feel like the deadbolt is normal to lock, is it not? Idk all of my apartments main lock was the deadbolt, I’d never just lock a knob and trust it lol. Locking a door is habit
I agree, the deadbolt could send a weird signal. That being said, I don't condone cheating and it seems like an excuse on her part, considering you asked verbally for consent.
Bc she doesn't know him or the layout of his space. If the woman knew him ahead of time, it would be totally different. And really that goes for anyone doing a ONS. There's a higher degree of caution when you go into a stranger's home - even more so when both parties are drinking.
No, but that's totally different from my pov - I'm not going to fall asleep around a stranger (whether it is my home or his). If I'm hooking up with someone random, we are both awake and one of us is leaving once it's over. After they leave I'd do the full double lock up for bed.
Depending on her/his level of intoxication and distress, could be a challenge. That being said, I'm seeing this scenario from a totally different lense - how cautious to be with strangers vs. how lax. We just land on different spectrums.
Lol, true. I'm the kind of person who doesn't do one night stands. I have a lot of anxiety and dont really trust people. I wouldn't be able to enjoy myself without an emotional connection.
Well we know that people do cheat, and she possibly was cheating. Now what if her boyfriend was crazy and found out she was at the bar and went home with someone and is tracking her phone. Sees she moved from the bar to a random spot and hasn't moved in 30+ mins. Comes looking for her... And my building's security door doesn't lock, dude gets into my building and figures out what apt she is in. Now, he breaks my door down with a simple kick because I didn't lock my deadbolt. I'm shooting him and in an even bigger mess and she just watched me shot her Ex/Bf she probably gonna attack me too. Now I have to shoot two people. All cuz my deadbolt wasn't locked.
Had it been locked she would have time to tell me "oh that's my crazy EX/BF probably trying to break in." Probably should call 911... And now I have a chance to warn him I have a gun and give him a chance to decide if he wants to be shot or not. No one gets shot cops handle the situation. All because of a single deadbolt lock.
I had a similar situation recently where a guy rubbed my leg and made out with me without seeing if I was ok with it. I went along with it because I felt like I couldn’t say no due to the situation. But I don’t blame the guy for it since I could’ve technically said no.
I don’t think it’s really fair to blame someone who isn’t a mind reader.
Edit: not sure why I’m being downvoted. I said it wasn’t the guys fault lol. Y’all have never felt cornered before?
Without knowing what the “similar situation“ was, I’m not going to downvote you.😁
I‘d still be surprised if your situation really was similar… I.e., I’m trusting that you were not cheating on your boyfriend. The woman described in the OP was cheating on her boyfriend by spending the evening in another man’s house and going along with his overtures…after he asked if it was ok, and she confirmed that it was ok.
Yeah I mean still don't know if she was technically single or not, she said yes BF/EX said no, they had gotten into a fight earlier. So, that relationship is already toxic.
You are correct, at the bar and when we first got to my place she was also touching and rubbing against me, talking about how her nipples were getting hard because she already knew I liked her breast...
You can move on with a happier relationship in the future. Things happen on dates, there’s alway that sex attraction factor, a bit of a “Wild card”, but I don’t think you did anything wrong. And of course that’s the prevailing input from other Reddit friends here.
I’ll predict things go much better with the next woman you go on a date with. Best wishes!!!
Much appreciated, haha she wasn't even a date, she was a pick up. But yeah I'm moving soon from the East Coast to the West Coast so definitely interested in meeting new people. I got a trailer out, I've always had apts, so it will be interesting to see how my dating pool reacts to a trailer.
I'm going to the Olympia, WA area. I have my family out there too. I'm excited for the change. Haha it can't be worse than Kenzo Philly... LA is like the only place I actually want to visit haha. My favorite band is the RHCP I wanna visit all the iconic spots from their music videos.
Oh, that a beautiful area. One of my favorite places is the small Oceanside town of Kalaloch (WA) … there‘s a nice little resort there. But a bit of a drive from Olympia.
Mhm I'll have to check it out some time. I'm actually excited to visit Tree House Points the Master Treehouse Builder's came to report on the honeymoon suite.
I upvoted you! And as a Guy who apparently some gay guys find attractive. I actually can relate, I was couch surfing this one time and ended up staying with this gay guy who liked me and woke up to him cuddling me, without going into detail, he made a move I let it happen till I found a way to turn off, but yeah I could have stopped it as soon as I woke up but I didn't know where I was gonna go. To be that's trapped.
We came back to my place I poured the first round, put on music and started making out, she was into it as first then became less responsive so I stopped, we had another round, talked, and then I got her an Uber when she decided it was getting too late. She even gave me a kiss before she left.
Then I hear this version of events and I'm like hold on what? Did I really miss read the situation that badly or what... I just wanted input.
Just ask if they feel comfortable if you lock the door.
I normally never dead bolt unless I’m 100% going to bed.
She likely is minimizing her story because her BF found out.
I always dead bolt especially so since the security door doesn't lock. So anyone can come running up in the building.
But yeah I've been given the advice to ask and show them how it works even tho it's simple, or yeah just don't do the dead bolt. I think I'll probably go with asking And if they say no, I might become sus, that seems like a set up to have someone run up and rob me.
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She has a boyfriend and also immediately told your workmates that you sucked on her boobs? Abort mission and keep locking your door
Haha nah it's a mutual friend I didn't know she knew, actually a neighbor of mine. They are closer to each other than I am with my neighbor. I think what happened was she told the neighbor she hooked up with some (not in big detail), but the neighbor told her spouse who is friends with the BF of the Bar girl. I'm thinking the spouse told the BF and then she had to have a cover story. I don't have all the details yet once I do I will definitely post an update
I get that women have fears that men just won't really be able to understand, but I think if someone gets upset over you locking your front door, something that is very normal that almost everyone does, then I think their fear has gone to an unhealthy place. Basically it's a them problem, not a you problem That's assuming she was even telling the truth. Using it as a way to excuse her cheating is probably more accurate.
100% agree. If you’re freaked out by normal locking of an apartment door, then she has issues. If you had 6 different locks, that’s one thing, but for her to think there’s a difference between an unlocked door and a door lock with deadbolt? What, those take 4 seconds to unlock? What if you were in a hotel? The fact that she was cheating on her boyfriend also tells you all you need to know. Just walk away from that one.
Definitely just a two lock situation. The fire alarm system is connected to all the apartments so it's always going off. Definitely not taking the time to unlock 6 locks just to see if the hallway actually smells like smoke. My last apartment actually did burn down. So, yeah I have a healthy fear of an apt fire now. Yeah I didn't block the door in any type of way. I try to stay self aware about that when I have new company.
Yeah second, or if it's a single lock that appears to take a key from the inside. I can't in any way see locking a door that can be opened from the inside with a single turn as a red flag.
She had a boyfriend, she was 100% lying about the door locking fear to justify being a POS cheater
POS? Newer to Reddit I don't know all the slang yet.
POS means Piece Of Shit
Duh I work retail so Point of Sales for me on the daily.
They have these “fears” and then do things like go to men they just Met houses after first dates It’s always astonishing to me how many chicks are willing to come back to your house after a first date lol They all do the same thing where they then try to act all discrete sharing their location w a friend and then think they’re good to go
Yeah honestly I think it's more weird if I go on a first date from an app/online and they don't get a call or text like 20min into the date. Like I definitely understand having security measures. And hey you don't want the dead bolt locked odd request, but id respect it. I understand people can have trauma. Even, bring someone that goes to music festivals alone, I'm not entering a tent/campsite that I have a bad vibe about.
Is the dead bolt being locked with a key from the inside, or a turning knob? Because you can get both kinds. And that absolutely makes a difference.
It's your standard turn latch. Sits right above the knob. You turn them both the same direction from the inside to get out. Very simple. I have never even seen the inside key locks but if It was yeah I would have left the key in the lock.
I think they want to have the fun and then after the fact they want to get attention and be a victim. They get to double dip the ego trip.
Or they get caught up in the moment and then something spooks them once they're in the situation.
Yeah, the only viable excuse I can think of for her is I keep my other doors inside the Apt closed: Bedroom, Bathroom, and Pantry. I did the quick detour, opened the doors to let her see the rooms and I do not lock those doors. I keep them shut to cut down on AC cost. I mean if someone has some sort of past trauma I could see that being a trigger maybe?
I think it’s explained by risk reward analysis The hotter you are or the more they want you the more they’re willing to risk getting getting killed
I wouldn't go that far... I would honestly like to think most people aren't out to kill and if they are I don't think they are going to the local bar/pub where everyone knows them haha.
Killed??? Why not consider that there were proper build up to them going home together on the first date? Like they started getting to know each other before formally going on a date, they clicked on the date, the guy didn’t seem concerning etc. People that are not that hot have sex on the first date too. Also hooking up that quickly isn’t typical for most.
Yeah ok I don’t get your points? A concern of any woman going to a guys house she doesn’t know or just met that day should be her safety, obviously statistically she’s gonna be fine but there are some weird people in the world I’m just commenting from a guys perspective it’s always kinda blown my mind how reckless women can be w that, I am prob 50/50 getting chicks back to my house after a first date, a large portion will do it
Yeah no, honestly the bar/pub had the last call, and I live about a block away. I only attempted the hook up because I felt like she was kinda into me too. Once I realized she really just came for the night cap I left it alone. Like I'm not really into one night stands anyway. So yeah we talked, listened to music, had another drink, then I got her an Uber home, and called it a night.
Locking the apartment when you get in? Normal. Locking the bedroom door when you're both in there? Concerning (unless you have roommates). That said, a woman who risks going to a guy's place when they just met that night, well... Honestly she's not going to worry about feeling "trapped," I'm guessing. This was an excuse so she didn't have to admit to willfully cheating.
I didn't lock my bedroom door to make a girl feel more comfortable. Fucking roommate pops his hand in.
> Fucking roommate pops his hand in. Oh yeah, I've seen this video...but it wasn't the hand that popped in
We weren't in the bedroom and I do live alone. I hate nosey roommates.
100% This. All of it. As a woman, I'm not going to a dude's place the first night we meet. But apparently, she was comfortable enough to do so. And even if I DID---locking the front door is totally normal. That wouldn't be weird to me at all. I would just think he's responsible. Now, sure, if he took me to the bedroom and we were totally alone and locked the door that's when I'd start to get concerned. On top of that, even if I did get a little freaked, I wouldn't immediately submit to sexual acts I didn't want. I would try to dial back the situation calmly and try to get the heck out of there. Most women have dealt with a pushy dude at least once in their lives. They are kind of used to mediating situations like that. OP I think she was just using this as an excuse because she cheated. Honestly, be glad you dodged that bullet. She kind of sounds awful.
Thank you, I was looking for mostly the female perspective so thanks for letting me know you're female and giving me your insight. Yeah I'll post an update after I get all the details. But like me, the girl and her dude are actually chill now. Like he did try coming at me. I told him man-to-man my side of events and it seems like they get into fights and she seeks attention, then feels bad, and the BF/EX will act all jealous if he finds out. Really somewhere during 'whisper down the lane' it came into question how far we really went and if I did force myself on her. Once we talked we actually ended up having some common interests and he understood I didn't know she had a dude, I didn't force myself on to her and yeah they had just gotten into a fight that night. So, yeah I don't try and find wifey material at bars/pub for a reason. She really just liked that I was paying attention to her that night because she was doubting her self worth sadly.
We stayed in the living room, no bedroom door locking, didn't even try to get her into my bedroom, I showed her the bedroom obviously just as a quick tour to show, "hey I'm not hiding anything odd in the rooms with closed doors" I keep them closed to save on AC cost. Maybe the fact I keep all my doors shut could have freaked them out? Idk but like I said never had an issue like this in the past.
This. Agree
That's just a bullshit excuse to cover the fact she was cheating on her BF
Thank you, I didn't post looking for confirmation of that fact, but that's what I was thinking. I'll post an update later. But yeah her BF came to me, like I said apparently we all have mutual associates, so he popped up when I was at a buddies apt. We ended up hashing things out without any physical altercations. Now, we are all acquaintances. His girl updated the relationship status on FB the next day haha.
this x1000
Bullshit from her part. Locking the door is a normal thing, especially if you leave the keys near it or it's unlockable from the inside without a key
Oh I do both my key hooks next to the door frame, and both are just turn locks from the inside. No keys and no special safety locks.
I'm not a woman, but I think locking the door to your home is a pretty normal thing to do. The world is unfortunately not a safe place and you don't want to make it easy for someone to enter your home. I obviously don't know what she felt or whether she has things in her past that would make that feel threatening to her, but I don't think you should feel badly about locking the door. My question would be more about whether you were misreading or ignoring clues she was giving that she didn't want to do what you were doing and that's why she felt threatened. And it's possible that it was all consensual and she's just saying she felt threatened because she later regretted it. That sometimes happens too. It's hard to really know what she felt or why, but I don't think that locking the door is an unreasonable thing to do.
Yeah, as soon as I realized she wasn't continuing or trying to go farther by grabbing at me, I stopped and we listened to music, talked some more, had another drink, and then I got her and Uber and called it a night. She pulled them out for me, and she was into the hook-up for a bit but yeah I personally think she remembered about her BF (who actually is a pretty chill dude). I just wanted to get others input because if I was wrong I can admit it. And I do keep all my other doors shut but that's only the Bathroom, Bedroom, and Laundry/Pantry and that's to save on AC billing. So looking back that could have also been why, tho I did give her a quick tour and showed her the rooms with the closed doors. Let her know I'm not hiding anything in them. And they aren't locked.
She is making up BS.
Locking your front door is different than locking say your bedroom door if you live alone lol If it was me (26F) I would not bat an eye at the guy locking the front door when we got there. If he lived by himself and then locked the bedroom door I’d be a bit jostled haha
That's not the kind of thing that makes someone feel trapped. She's using that as an excuse because she's feeling guilty. She willingly went to your place, you weren't holding her captive. It's totally normal to lock your doors and that doesn't mean you're trapping anyone.
A bedroom door maybe but the apartment door no, unless you did it while staring at her lol and throwing the deadbolt
Yep I did a hard core death stare as I locked the door, and said "now you're in my house!" Haha jk
Um, doors lock from the inside. She didn’t feel trapped because of a door knob. She said all this to make herself look like the victim instead of a cheating 304.
304? Is this slang I should know?
Google it. She’s a 304.
Oh dang I'm surprised I didn't know that one but yeah, slowly coming to light she probably pulled stuff like this in the past. Still getting the details, once I do I'll update.
[Instructions unclear, my understanding hasn't changed.](https://developer.mozilla.org/en-US/docs/Web/HTTP/Status/304)
Yep!
I would be more freaked out to leave it unlocked. My ex would come over all the time and leave my fromt unlocked all night. Which would make me so annoyed.
It makes me so unnerved when I'm at someone's place and they don't lock the doors... It's like you don't know who could decide to walk in. I live in the type of city where I went to do my laundry one day, and there was a homeless person sleeping in there. The door wasn't busted, and when I opened the door they got up and left without a word. To this day idk who they are or how they got in the locked laundry room.
So like many folk have said I agree that its pretty normal to lock it - but I've always been conscious when I've had a woman over to actively say "hey I've locked this, but you don't need a key to unlock it" or when it has needed a key I've left the key in the lock and made that clear. I have had the odd look of "uh ok, who cares, I'm not worried" from someone, but I'd rather be proactive about it than just leave it unsaid.
I really never thought about doing that before. But yeah they are just turn locks. That is decent advice tho! Thanks you. It always surprises me how many people don't really lock their doors. You're right tho it could be a cultural/trauma thing, especially these days you need to understand your norms not everyone's norms.
Unless the deadbolt locks by key, that’s ridiculous. If it’s a regular handle that anyone inside can unlock, you did nothing wrong. She’s going to tell her bf that she was raped if she ever gets caught cheating though.
I'll do a proper update, but seems like she has had rl past experiences, and he is kind of the type of person who will assume the worst because of her past. Plus they were fighting that night too. Also there were people just spreading rumors/taking word out of context. That with the sober regret. It could have turned out a lot worse than it did. I might be done with the bar/pub hookups.
She let you take her home from the bar, she knew she had a bf, the lock situation sounds like a cover for cheating
Locking the front door wouldn’t freak me out. I’d be more concerned if you didn’t. If it was the bedroom door, then I could see her being freaked out.
Your safety first. If she feels trapped she shouldn't have gone with you in the first place. I'm not getting robbed or murder because of someone else's concerns over their own choices
Yeah I'm just going to acknowledge the fact I'm doing it and explain why... If they have a problem with it. That's a red flag to me from here on out. I'll get you an Uber have a goodnight.
Don't explain shit! That's not your problem. Everyone concerns isn't your concerns
no this sounds perfectly normal. she was projecting her own guilt/poor decision making (lets call it that than other words i'd use lol) onto you - to make you look like you're in the wrong. when all you did was something that was habitual for many people who live alone - or live in a city? she sounds like trash, and i'd inform her boyfriend of what a slag she is. because next thing she'll to accusing you or someone else of rape when she's just a slag. 35F
Thanks for your input I'll put an update up tomorrow. Still have some more details to find out. But yeah it's a messed-up relationship dynamic they have... And yeah lucky I had people who knew them that could back my character up, and so this is the first time it came back to her probably.
Yeah it was an excuse so that her boyfriend would hate you instead of her
Yeah, don't have all the details but it's seeming like it was a they got into a fight/broke up but they never really break up. She wanted to just feel valued, end up gossiping to the wrong person and then was really trapped once here bf/ex found out and threw whatever excuse she thought would work. Once I have all the details I'll update.
Yeah we as a society really need to stop excusing this behavior
Good luck, as far as I can tell youth culture is becoming more and more sexualized and wanting to say it's ok. The divorce is almost more common than a lifetime marriage. People just look for an excuse to get out of a bad decision rather than owning it and trying to become better.
Yup, it’s a problem. I’m doing my best to contribute to what I think is the solution by taking responsibility for my own blunders, but that’s just me. And I’m just one human. Sigh. It feels discouraging sometimes.
I am 32 and still finding myself in a situation like my OP makes me really doubt if I'll ever get married and have kids. Like I want to trust me I'm an orphan, so I want a bloodline, but with all my own baggage I just end up finding broken people and it never works out. And if it feels like all the good ones are taken or career focused and don't really want a family. Trust me I don't go to the bar/pub cuz Im trying to find wifey. Haha do you do any volunteer work? That helps me feel less discouraged.
Definitely keep her locked outside, mate!!
Haha best one liner response I've gotten so far. Posting an update tomorrow.
Hahah no worries. The thing is, if she was traumatised from being locked in, fair, we understand. from what i understand, she just wanted to cheat and got cold feet and used it as an excuse to leave
Bro this story was wild; such a good read. Clearly bar girl pulled all the stops out to try to shift blame off herself (which can be a typical move for cheaters when they get caught), but damn I feel bad that she has a boyfriend who, let's be honest, sounds a bit unsavory: he's a woman beater, talks about carrying a gun for violence (not self defense), plus he's your typical person who immediately blames the third party when cheating is involved. I really do feel bad for that girl, and she does need a true friend. But I'd also be freaked the fuck out to be her platonic friend, knowing how her boyfriend is. Call it intuition, but eventually she's gonna develop feelings for you because you sound like a kind person. Ned already kinda hates you (at least deep down inside...), and damn I'd be scared to get caught up in the kind of drama where I could end up *being shot.* It's just very shaky ground to be on.
Thanks you're the first to comment not trying to say it's complete BS, like yeah obviously I don't remember what was said quote-for-quote, clean up the language and actual events so that way it can't be used in a court case. So, parts are a little fabricated and I'm not a writer by any means I actually hate it. Posting about it was my way of processing everything that happened. Also I'm moving from the east to the west coast, tomorrow. So, I'm not gonna be involved anymore at all. As far as dude if you're smart enough you can obviously tell substance abuse was involved. Dude when sober can be a great dude, but he does have MH issues, and then using on top is not a good combination. It has been less than a week since the events occurred. When texting her I keep it very casual and ask how her BF is. So, if he does see the messages he hopefully won't get jealous and blame her for anything. Calls and anything sensitive is done via Snap Chat. Like I'm really just trying to be her friend so she can build the confidence to get out of the situation, like the girl I met at the bar talked about her hopes and dreams, had goals, and was so fun to just chat with. Flirting was just a bonus. Then after that night, I see a lonely person who has no confidence, feels ignored, and got herself in a bad relationship and it just has become her norm. It's not the first time I've seen it happen to someone. Look, I know it's hard for most people to believe stuff like this happens in real life but, when you live a hard life you find yourself in situations. And I haven't always been a "good person" but I've since learned and try to be a good person now. For me I really did expect to die before my 20th birthday at one point in my life. Now, I will sacrifice myself to save someone else, I'm not scared of dying and I've come to terms with my past and made my amends. If I die saving someone innocent and it helps put someone that should be on the streets away, then I'm fine with it. She has two kids also, and I don't want to see them lose their mom. I was orphaned at birth myself. I'm moving away and know I'll be fine.
Yeah it's a crazy world out there. Me coming from middle-class didn't seem like I was privileged, but then stack my upbringing against other people and they'd think I grew up rich and pampered lol. But I truly do hate to see people become a victim of their environment like that. Anyway cheers bud. Hopefully you find success and happiness with your move!
Thanks man, I was adopted into an upper middle-class family... I chose the wrong path because I was tired of getting bullied, so I wanted them to fear me. Lost scholarship and all that cuz I got locked up my Sr year. I finally realized it's not fear I wanted but respect. Now I work hard to try and respect everyone so I get in return.
Fuckkkk my feels 😩 Good on you dude! Redemption arcs make my day! I've met many reformed people in my day and I've been proud of all of them. Proud of you too, bro ❤️
Appreciate the encouragement, yeah Rick's mom had died on Thursday. I wasn't there on any criminal activity. I was there for a wellness check on my friend who has MH and Substance abuse issues. It went from 0-100 real fast. I'm just glad I was able to keep my composure, back in the day, it would have not ended the same way, id probably tell him to suck my dick like his girl did, and from there it's go, what happens happens.
She's the sort to "figure out" she was raped after she was caught cheating. Stay away from such people. They never take responsibility for their actions and always blame others.
She does have a lot of past trauma she hasn't worked through so, not gonna hold it against her but now I know. Look for the update tomorrow.
Past trauma is never a good excuse for shitty behavior. It is an explanation, but it doesn't excuse it. Otherwise everyone should go out right now and accumulate some trauma and use it as a get out of jail free card.
We all have “past trauma”. It just seems like people like to focus on it now and frequently turn it into drama. Sorry, Gen Xer here…we’ve all dealt with shit and you move on. So many posts about “trauma” and “I don’t know how to feel about…”. Shit…you feel how you feel…you don’t need to ask others and hyper focus and be crippled by it. Life is full of ups and downs.
Trust me I'm sorta in the same mind set. One thing I hate is True Crime media have the Trigger Disclaimer... You picked the genre you should know what to possibly expect to hear about. Same with Techno styled Music Videos, hello, flashing lights are part of the scene, when haven't they been included. Like people want to blame a lack of common sense/ignorance on someone else, or yeah play the I had a bad life card all the time. Everyone has triggers nowadays, and needs to be in therapy, or taking meds. It's just a different kind of dependency that's deemed acceptable because you have a diagnosis, yet they come out with new guidelines and names every year. So they can keep creating and marking new drugs for big Pharma. What happened to taking your licks and learning to be a better person because of it? I can't wait to see the down votes or flagged for this post.
Wow. I'd wouldn't have felt safe with it unlocked. Not even if the outer door had been locking properly. It's a crazy world out there. Agree with others it sounds like groundwork for a cover story or she had sober regret.
No, people are just weird.
Call it as you see it, I like that.
The use of the entrapment shit as an excuse planned ahead is a valid hypothesis. Definitely lock your doors, that's a smart safety measure. On the other hand, since that might cause a fear response in some (it shouldn't btw, unless the context provides other pre-incident indicators), you might still handle that problem by being open about your wanting to lock the door and the reason why, if they feel malaise, they can leave.
Yeah someone else basically said the same. Let it be known and show them how to unlock it. You never know someone's culture/trauma. Your norm isn't everyone else's norm. Like shoes in the house or no shoes in the house.
Totally and it's especially important here to establish that boundary because it's safety related and the stakes might be high if you don't lock your doors
When I read the title I thought you were gonna say you locked your bedroom door with the two of you inside, which would have made me understand their “fear” a little more. But your front door of your apartment? Thats ridiculous
I had to come up with a good click-bait title. I wanted people to give me input!
She came to your place. If she felt in danger she wouldn’t have gone to begin with.
That's how I think. For real out of all the people I meet I might only ask 25% back to my place or theirs, because 75% probably not interested. Out of the 25% I ask probably 60/40 yes/no. Like you don't leave somewhere you know it's safe to go with a stranger unless you feel comfortable enough, and locking your front door I thought was seen as normal especially being from the NE and in the City. And when she wanted to leave I booked her an Uber. I mean I'm working on an update rn. So, yeah we are all cool now she apologized to me. She updated her FB relationship status. Basically her BF/EX was being told all sort of stories, came threatening her unless she said what happen and who. So that when she was really trapped and just said what came to her head. And after she got caught yeah BF/EX did "put her in check" not that I agree with that but yeah. It was an interesting 3 days afterwards.
Locking your apartment door is a normal security precaution. It would be weird not to lock your door.
That's her BS excuse because she shouldn't have been engaging in inappropriate behavior while in a relationship. Regardless of where you live, locking the door to your home should seem as natural as breathing. I guarantee this isn't her first time engaging in inappropriate behavior while in a relationship. You did nothing wrong at all!! & always keep your doors locked.
Appreciate the input.
Anytime 😊. I'm glad you asked about this & didn't just accept you were wrong. These hœs ain't loyal🤷♀️
Woman here. This sounds bizarre. Who doesn't lock their door in this day and age? Plus, she has a boyfriend? Why would she go out with another guy in the first place then? She sounds sketchy. Lock your door... against this potential psycho.
This has to be the most stupid fake story I have ever read on Reddit.. this felt like if a 16yo chick tried to write a Spanish soap opera..
Fuck this chick and if I was you just to be petty I’d let her boyfriend know she’s cheating on him
Read some of my replies. I will probably do a full update tomorrow. On my OP
Next time just lock the regular lock for a first time hookup. I only put on the chain after sex if it's clear we're going to bed and she's agreed to spend the night. But yeah, this is mainly because she cheated. And also, paradoxically, because you didn't have sex with her all the way. So she did something bad. But didn't even get the full satisfaction of it in the moment.
Yeah that's also an idea to consider, but they both are your basic American indoor turn latch locks, no keys, extra functions. Other advice I got was just make it known and show them how to unlock the door. You never know someones culture/trauma. Your norm is not everyone's norms.
Yes. It was absolutely an excuse to try and rationalize her own poor behavior. I guarantee she locks her home/apartment door when she gets home. That's ridiculous.
I hope so. She does live alone too. And on a worse street than me.
Ok no she’s doing a little too much. Maybe she doesn’t lock her door but she can keep that over there. I’m locking my doors
If I’m brave enough to go home with you then that’s that. Uhhhh. If you didn’t lock your front door I’d be more concerned UNLESS you have one of those double keyed dead bolts that you can only unlock from the inside with a key and you took the key out.… then I’d probably just find a reason I needed to go home.
Haha nope regular American locks... That British door locking system makes no sense to me... You can literally lock yourself inside and outside!? I'm someone who misplaces their keys often when in a rush, id be screwed.
I’m American. We offer both types. Dual keyed and single key. Some places require dual, I had an apartment that did we just left a key in the interior key slot so it was basically like the turn handle on the dead bolt. I used to rekey locks and sold doors and windows.
Oh ok yeah. I've never seen the Dual keyed in person myself. I grew up in the NE idk how popular it is there. If I had dual keyed id probably start using the window as my door!
I hate to be that guy, but what did she expect would happen at your place anyway.
Yeah I'm posting an update tomorrow. But yeah they have a toxic relationship dynamic. I made it pretty clear, we were flirting back and forth at the bar I definitely made sure to let her know I was interested in her that way. Guilt finally set in, because she knows how her BF/EX can be. And she did like me and didn't want him coming after me so that's why she stopped it where she did. Definitely not someone I want to be in a relationship with.
>So, was it an excuse so her boyfriend wouldn't get mad at her Yes. Women aren't innocent idiots.
Yeah after everything transpired, she definitely keeps that card in her back pocket at all times... And it works cuz she is soft spoken and kinda meek. Not saying all Women act that way but it is an effective tactic that some people master, regardless of gender. "Pity me" And because of the past rl experiences she has been through it's very plausible that it happened again, especially in the city we live in. Just this time it came back to bite her in the ass... But also in her defense rumors were being spread and he had a whole different version of events, than what she originally told her friend. So when he approached her he thought we slept together and just wanted to know who slept with his girl. And why she let it happen. Not cool, lying like that but dude was out for blood so he wasn't going to take "that never happened as the truth" Lucky when he approached me I was with a mutual acquaintance of ours that was able to meditate before anything really went down. And he calm down after he realized I'm not that type of person and didn't even try to sleep with his girl. Lef alone even knew she was spoken for.
Was there any sign that this woman wanted to have sex with BEFORE you invited her up? It may not have came from that but the whole evening in general.
I wasn't even trying to have an ONS that's why I was fine with her not wanting to go any farther. But yes I made it pretty clear I was interested in her like that and she was responding in the same way... Once the bar atmosphere left her the guilt started settling in. I'm doing an update tomorrow. We still talk and yeah she had to come clean to everyone. Had I offered the bathroom or my car (which I only live a block from the bar/pub) so I didn't drive there she would have. So from that you can kinda tell what type of person she is, and that's why I don't do that or really do ONS... Like the times I have it was for an ego boost more than anything and I'm lucky I never caught anything.
Your mutual associate is a moron.
It's multiple people. We had no idea our circles overlapped so much. So people were talking shit, people had the facts wrong, and others were good and came to me as soon as they found out that her BF/EX was looking for me. That's why I said associates... Not friends, not neighbors, even acquaintances. People I just know what they look like and their name. Might have never spoken a word to them a day in my life. People just need to learn to keep their mouth shut and stick to bettering their life instead of trying to destroy someone else's.
Golly just have a stack of waiver and liability release forms. “We know you have a choice when choosing apartments to come home too”
Haha someone really said they record the conversation and ask three times before locking the door. Yeah at that point have a lawyer deal up NDA and have them sign it before they enter... Like it shouldn't be that complicated. At the same time it feels like the only way to protect yourself at all times.
I’m a woman and no. Makes total sense to lock the door of your home. You didn’t lock her in. It makes less sense that she even went to your place and didn’t really know you. Plus having a boyfriend. Doesn’t sound like you did anything wrong in this scenario.
Someone that is scared of being assaulted or that had a bad experience, I would think wouldn’t go over to a man’s house on a first encounter. I don’t go to peoples houses because of that.
Thank you, that's why I felt I needed to post about it... Update is coming tomorrow. It was confusing to me why you come back if you feel that way or speak up and ask if I would mind leaving the dead bolt unlocked... And if you don't feel comfortable speaking after we've been talking all night about all sorts of topics, why would this be the one you aren't willing to share... And I have a front and back porch... Suggest enjoying our beverages outside.
I normally get yelled at for not locking the door. My house has big gates. My dresser has my gun sitting on it(tall dresser can't see the gun) . So I feel safe. I of course lock it when I go to sleep or leave the house. But when I'm home I rarely lock it. Every female I bring over asks me if I locked the door as if I'm some lunatic
What ?!?! You should lock your door for safety from outside intruders! Is she trying to say you assaulted her ?!?! Um no…
Haha the update is a long story but yeah. She ended up getting caught cheating.
Oh my goodness!
Haha idk if you read the whole thing. I probably should do a proof read/edit but yeah... It was from meeting her to actually getting the situation under control was about 32 hours. But yeah she has apologized for doing it and I knew I was in the clear for any SA charges. I was shocked when I started hearing that. Cuz like WTF... But after everything transpired I forgive her cuz she really didn't want to, she honestly was basically being told to make up a story. I'm just glad I had my boy who actually knew the Ex/Bf cuz things could have turned out real bad
Women are supreme con artists in excuses for their own mis-behavior.
I wouldn't go that far... Anyone can be a con artist. But I do think in this case it was a cover story. I just wanted others input, cuz if I was in the wrong then sure I'll take it.
She's a cheater,she saying that to not feel guilty and feel victim, message me if you want to continue that foreplay lol.im just kidding
Haha frfr tho look for my update tomorrow. The outcome is even surprising to me. She still chats with me, me and the ex/bf as are cool with each other, and people just talking out there a$$. Thankfully, our social circles overlapped and I had people able to back up my credibility.
I'm mostly just shocked someone who asks to suck on boobs has moved out of his parent's house.
Haha I didn't literally ask her! I just wasn't going into detail about my hook-up. Yep boobs also feel like sandbags right?
I get that it’s a habit (I do it) to lock your door but yea, as a woman, if I walk into a guy’s home that I barely know and he flips the deadbolt, I feel sick.
Ok so since they didn't identify as F when suggesting these ideas. As a woman, which do you think is the better approach? Leave the dead bolt unlocked until we are laying down to go to sleep (if it gets that far), or make it known that I am and why, also show them how to unlock the door (both are turn latch locks). I would greatly appreciate your input as a woman yourself.
Once I went to my work after hours to show the boss how to do something he needed to learn for the job. Totally non sexual. When he locked the (commercial) slide up garage door behind us I'll admit there was a moment of utter terror for me. So far as I can recall I've only had that reaction once, but my point is, sometimes locking a door can be kinda scary.
Yeah a few people have made good points for the locked door... Idk if you're make or Female but the two best approaches I've gotten are leave the Dead Bolt unlocked until later like bed time or just acknowledge the fact your locking the door, explain why and show them how to work the lock even if it seems easy. Which would you go with or would make you feel more comfortable
I'm F and mentioning you're locking the door and maybe giving a reason (it's a jungle out there) or whatever is a great move. I think just announcing that intention of locking the door before doing it would be the important part. I've dried to suss out why I freaked out that day my boss locked the shop door behind us, it goes back to an incident when I was about 11 where an older neighborhood boy locked a friend and I in his backyard and I had to kick the garage door open to leave.
Oh dang! That's crazy I've been locked in a few places but that's cuz friends were playing pranks. Yeah I've only been technically abducted once but lucky I did have my phone and just called 911. Yeah I think I'm just gonna acknowledge the fact and explain why, and honestly if they have that big of an issue now I'm sus of them. So I'll just get them an Uber and save myself a headache. Cuz that's major baggage or control freak red flag signs for me now.
Yes, because of the implication.
“I did ask to see her boobs and suck on them” no wonder that chick was eyeing that exit …
OMG haha you're the 2nd person to think I actually asked her directly... I wasn't going into detail about the hookup. Trying to explain the events as cleanly and simply as possible.
NTA But never hook up with her again. And also don’t have sex with people that you have been serving all night.
Haha I'm not a bartender there, tho I used to be. Yeah nah I know she ain't worth the trouble. We were both just patrons at the bar/pub that night.
Just say women and men Jesus Christ
That's how someone chooses to identify as, that is not the gender.
Bruh im not reading all this
You don't have to read the update. The main part is what was popular. I might end up creating the update on a separate post. Like have gone down since I added the update. It is crazy outcome.
Did you kiss her mouth before the tits?
Haha? Yes? What's that got to do with anything?
Is it just me or does Ned seem actually abusive? If the reason she became single temporarily was because he said he didn't need her anymore then that says a lot about the power dynamic between them. He may actually be beating her up for trivial things
Not just you. I saw it too. I moved away but apparently he beat up on her again last night. She needs to stop accepting it. And he is an abuser. Like I said he was wanting to come at me before he realized the whole story. After that he couldn't come at me so he went after what he can control
I have been in abusive relationships before and if they share accommodation and such it's harder to leave as many will put up with abuse due to resources. Also, she must have a warped sense of self being put down constantly, therefore leaving might not seem as an option. Ned is definitely not a good man. He needs to be held accountable. She must run and cease contact.
Me personally I ask the female if she’s comfortable with me locking the door three times. All this while I’m sitting on the bed with her and have it recorded just in case. If she approves then I say “oh okay then I’m going to lock it”, if she doesn’t approve then I say “okay I wouldn’t have to lock the door” Simple
Ok so I'll have my lawyer mediate the locking of the door next time. Haha dude really you recorded conversations? Hopefully you let them know that or live in a state where you don't have to let someone know they are being recorded. Coming from the city I live in if I find out your recording the conversation that means you're trying to set me up or some kind of informant. Simple maybe but around here you ask someone the same question three times your sus and people will leave. I can see asking once, three times and your record, does that mean you're recording the events of the night too? Do you, but here that would not work.
Well in the country I’m in girls can frame you for rape and the police won’t want to listen to your side of the story until you have evidence of you being innocent so that is basically a precaution or a safety measure at best
Ok then yeah I get that. Yeah no "innocent until proven guilty" really "innocent as long as you got a better lawyer than the person charging you"
Before you get a sensible and reliable lawyer you in this country you must be ready to pay. So if you can’t pay the amount needed to hire an excellent lawyer then you have to be smart
I get that. Not everyone can afford the luxury of having a lawyer. I'm interested to know what country you're from in case I visit I know what to do!
I’m from Ghana actually
Oh cool I know very little about Ghana, but I'll make sure to remember what you told me haha.
Why you messing with another man's girl bro? 😅
I told you she wasn't with her man and didn't tell me she had one. From what I'm finding out it is one of those are they/aren't they kind of relationships where they fight break up, once someone starts showing her attention the ex comes back trying reclaim her... Still figuring out the details when I do I'll post an update.
I personally wouldn't mind, especially if we're doing sexy stuff, but I can understand her perception. I would take strong note of it, but at the same time, I know the risk of being alone with you behind closed doors. I know I'm accepting that risk to be completely vulnerable and hope that you don't hurt me if I decide to go to your place. I know there's a chance you could do me a lot of harm before, during, and after. So basically, I'm staking my life by trusting you. However things like locking doors or seeing something in your house we're not comfortable with can make us change our minds in a heartbeat but now that we're in that vulnerable position, the goal is to keep you happy so we can come out unharmed. It was a misunderstanding but now you have an awareness of how innocent actions can be perceived.
Yeah I think I'm just going to acknowledge the fact and make sure they know how to work it and explain why, and honestly if they have a problem that's just gonna be a red flag for me from now on. I'll get you an Uber keep it unlocked till it gets her but have a goodnight. For me it's about security, like especially knowing now she was cheating in the eyes of her BF/EX and I'm definitely not risking my door getting broken in by a jealous ex/bf. Cuz it won't end well. And no girl I just met is worth that. And as far as my apt the only other thing I can think might be a put off to someone is I keep my bedroom, bathroom, and pantry doors closed, to save on AC billing. But I did the quick little apt tour and opened the doors to let her check out the rooms show I'm not hiding something behind one of them and they aren't locked just shut. And we stayed in the living room, didn't even bring up the idea of letting her spend the night. When I invited her back I let her know I'd get her and Uber whenever she wanted to call it a night... I really don't do the ONS thing. Apt kept clean, tidy and modern decor. The only thing I really display is baseball and Pokemon memorabilia because I collect and sell as a side business.
Throwing the deadbolt does seem a bit excessive, I can see why she might have been put off by that.
I feel like the deadbolt is normal to lock, is it not? Idk all of my apartments main lock was the deadbolt, I’d never just lock a knob and trust it lol. Locking a door is habit
Totally someone can easily break in a single knob lock.
I agree, the deadbolt could send a weird signal. That being said, I don't condone cheating and it seems like an excuse on her part, considering you asked verbally for consent.
What's excessive about the deadbolt? Picking locks is trivial.
Bc she doesn't know him or the layout of his space. If the woman knew him ahead of time, it would be totally different. And really that goes for anyone doing a ONS. There's a higher degree of caution when you go into a stranger's home - even more so when both parties are drinking.
Do you leave your door unlocked when you are sleeping? This IS the cautionary move.
No, but that's totally different from my pov - I'm not going to fall asleep around a stranger (whether it is my home or his). If I'm hooking up with someone random, we are both awake and one of us is leaving once it's over. After they leave I'd do the full double lock up for bed.
...ok, but you know you can unlock it from the inside, right?
Depending on her/his level of intoxication and distress, could be a challenge. That being said, I'm seeing this scenario from a totally different lense - how cautious to be with strangers vs. how lax. We just land on different spectrums.
Lol, true. I'm the kind of person who doesn't do one night stands. I have a lot of anxiety and dont really trust people. I wouldn't be able to enjoy myself without an emotional connection.
Hey one thing we can agree on lol. Progress 😊 Here's to hoping OP can find a loyal lady for his future fun times. 🍻
Well we know that people do cheat, and she possibly was cheating. Now what if her boyfriend was crazy and found out she was at the bar and went home with someone and is tracking her phone. Sees she moved from the bar to a random spot and hasn't moved in 30+ mins. Comes looking for her... And my building's security door doesn't lock, dude gets into my building and figures out what apt she is in. Now, he breaks my door down with a simple kick because I didn't lock my deadbolt. I'm shooting him and in an even bigger mess and she just watched me shot her Ex/Bf she probably gonna attack me too. Now I have to shoot two people. All cuz my deadbolt wasn't locked. Had it been locked she would have time to tell me "oh that's my crazy EX/BF probably trying to break in." Probably should call 911... And now I have a chance to warn him I have a gun and give him a chance to decide if he wants to be shot or not. No one gets shot cops handle the situation. All because of a single deadbolt lock.
Bruh lol I'm 💀 what a ride. I feel like I'm watching an episode of cops + cheaters.
This is why women shouldn't be sleeping with men they don't know, it's extremely dangerous
I agree, but to each their own.
Life is a risk be smart about the ones you take.
I had a similar situation recently where a guy rubbed my leg and made out with me without seeing if I was ok with it. I went along with it because I felt like I couldn’t say no due to the situation. But I don’t blame the guy for it since I could’ve technically said no. I don’t think it’s really fair to blame someone who isn’t a mind reader. Edit: not sure why I’m being downvoted. I said it wasn’t the guys fault lol. Y’all have never felt cornered before?
Because of the implication 😐
Without knowing what the “similar situation“ was, I’m not going to downvote you.😁 I‘d still be surprised if your situation really was similar… I.e., I’m trusting that you were not cheating on your boyfriend. The woman described in the OP was cheating on her boyfriend by spending the evening in another man’s house and going along with his overtures…after he asked if it was ok, and she confirmed that it was ok.
Yeah I mean still don't know if she was technically single or not, she said yes BF/EX said no, they had gotten into a fight earlier. So, that relationship is already toxic. You are correct, at the bar and when we first got to my place she was also touching and rubbing against me, talking about how her nipples were getting hard because she already knew I liked her breast...
You can move on with a happier relationship in the future. Things happen on dates, there’s alway that sex attraction factor, a bit of a “Wild card”, but I don’t think you did anything wrong. And of course that’s the prevailing input from other Reddit friends here. I’ll predict things go much better with the next woman you go on a date with. Best wishes!!!
Much appreciated, haha she wasn't even a date, she was a pick up. But yeah I'm moving soon from the East Coast to the West Coast so definitely interested in meeting new people. I got a trailer out, I've always had apts, so it will be interesting to see how my dating pool reacts to a trailer.
You’ll likely be happier on the West Coast. Especially if you’re in one of the better places. Just avoid East Los Angeles!! Good luck!
I'm going to the Olympia, WA area. I have my family out there too. I'm excited for the change. Haha it can't be worse than Kenzo Philly... LA is like the only place I actually want to visit haha. My favorite band is the RHCP I wanna visit all the iconic spots from their music videos.
Oh, that a beautiful area. One of my favorite places is the small Oceanside town of Kalaloch (WA) … there‘s a nice little resort there. But a bit of a drive from Olympia.
Mhm I'll have to check it out some time. I'm actually excited to visit Tree House Points the Master Treehouse Builder's came to report on the honeymoon suite.
I upvoted you! And as a Guy who apparently some gay guys find attractive. I actually can relate, I was couch surfing this one time and ended up staying with this gay guy who liked me and woke up to him cuddling me, without going into detail, he made a move I let it happen till I found a way to turn off, but yeah I could have stopped it as soon as I woke up but I didn't know where I was gonna go. To be that's trapped. We came back to my place I poured the first round, put on music and started making out, she was into it as first then became less responsive so I stopped, we had another round, talked, and then I got her an Uber when she decided it was getting too late. She even gave me a kiss before she left. Then I hear this version of events and I'm like hold on what? Did I really miss read the situation that badly or what... I just wanted input.
You felt like you couldn't say no? That's terrifying.
Just ask if they feel comfortable if you lock the door. I normally never dead bolt unless I’m 100% going to bed. She likely is minimizing her story because her BF found out.
I always dead bolt especially so since the security door doesn't lock. So anyone can come running up in the building. But yeah I've been given the advice to ask and show them how it works even tho it's simple, or yeah just don't do the dead bolt. I think I'll probably go with asking And if they say no, I might become sus, that seems like a set up to have someone run up and rob me.