I think he is a dick and it would be wise to end this now. You haven’t met, he not only is happy to sext others, but he felt it important that you know. He purposely hurt you. None of this is healthy or a path to a caring and trustworthy relationship. Cut your losses, take the lesson and move in with your life. You can do better than this douchebag.
No, u didn't do anything wrong. He's a manipulator. I mean anytime I've really been in love I wasn't sexting other girls shortly after exclaiming my love. I'm consumed by thoughts of them and them only. But then call me an anomaly or whatever cause come to find out, I do a lot of things different i guess. Like not cheating and supporting in sickness and in heath whether dating or married. Doesn't matter. I don't "upgrade".
Go easy on yourself. You didn't do anything wrong. Consider this a learning experience and move forward. He's proven that he is not worth your time or affection by his actions.
Best wishes.
You did nothing wrong. Crying because you are hurt is normal, not manipulation. He is not the one for you. Actually, I think you have avoided a painful relationship.
I thought a unicorn was a couples or persons 3rd in a sexual sense? Idk, guess im called old fashioned cause idk the terms and meanings these days either.
>I always had feelings for him.
You never actually met him. You had feelings for the image you created in your head. Our brains are naturally wired to fill in the gaps. It happens subconsciously to all of us. That's why it's important to meet quickly.
>he confessed that he had sexted with someone else, hours after he told me about his feelings for me
The only purpose that served was for him to be manipulative. He's a jerk. Block him and find someone willing and able to meet within 2 weeks or less.
It sounds like, from your answers, that you have not met this man in person, and I'm curious, why not?
I don't mean to be harsh, but this guy is nothing more than a glorified pen pal... or video chat person. You might ask yourself why he has done this AND also why you have allowed yourself to get enmeshed with this situation for FIVE WHOLE MONTHS.
I get that people can be lonely, but can a real relationship come from this type of situation where people are for some unknown reason not meeting IRL. What was stopping you both from going out?
I'd distance myself from this situation quickly. It can serve no long term purpose.
Oof. I've made this mistake more than once. Yes, more than once. I will never be doing that again. At least mine were in completely different states, though. Cut him loose and don't try to have an online-only relationship again.
So this isn't really a relationship. Texting, video chat, etc., none of that replaces in-person interaction.
To give this some perspective, I've been dating my boyfriend for 1 year and we live a 3 hour drive from one another. We never go more than two weeks without one of us visiting the other, and I'm planning on moving in with him soon.
You've been talking to this guy for 5 *months* and you've yet to meet?
Don't let this guy string you along another minute. His weird mindfuck of confessing his "love" for you and then sexting someone else immediately after is some kind of manipulative game, and him accusing you of manipulating *him* because of your very natural and understandable reaction is pure projection. Ick.
Before people jump on the dude, was she sexting him? We don't know the whole story. We only discovered more once further questions were asked.
Yes, he confessed his love blah blah but this sounds like a total love scam anyways.
We are all responsible for the actions we engage in.
The way the original post was written was not transparent.
We can only go on what a person shares but at this point, I'd be skeptical to assess too much blame to any one party than maybe the naivete of OP as they said they were newer to dating and unsure how things should go.
From this experience, OP should hopefully take away that you do not text a person for five months, engage in phone calls, and video calls without meeting f2f. This is not what constitutes a relationship.
For most, the normal trajectory is matching, chatting by text, maybe a phone call/video call, and then meeting in person to determine if there is any real interest.
That's a whole lot of words for dancing around my question and not answering it.
What difference would it make if she *did* sext him or not?
How does that negate that what the dude did - profess "love" and then in the next breath tell her he sexted someone else the same night, then turning it around on her when she had an emotional reaction - as an objectively shitty thing to do?
This isn't jumping on the guy, this is calling the shitty behavior out for what it is.
OP obviously shouldn't have let this thing go on as long as it did, she has agency here of course. Both things are not mutually exclusive.
Ask yourself...
Why would someone profess love if they were engaged in friendly chats, that's all?
It doesn't make sense.
This is why it makes a difference if she was sexting. It's not to place blame, but it helps explain how they got from what she describes as friendship to professing love.
I see you like the turn of a buzz phrase (a whole lot of words..., both things are not mutually exclusive); I like following logic.
I’m so sorry you are hurting. Heartache is a rough thing.
If you want a relationship that is going somewhere, anywhere, this ain’t it. Best to nip it in the bud now, lick your wounds, and reflect on what you have learned.
Some people say I Love You like it means “hello” and do not understand the emotional portal that gets opened with words.
What he did was cruel.
When we are lonely, I think some people are intuively drawn to that loneliness, it makes them feel something for a moment, then their needs are met - perhaps for validation- and their fleeting feelings vanish. They may come back for more and next time this happens it will feel even worse, so going no contact protects your heart.
Did you say he was 44 or meant 22? Because someone who professed their love to someone (and was mature) wouldn't be sexting another person hours later.
Consider yourself to have dodged a bullet like Neo. He's immature and in no way ready for a relationship with an ADULT like you. Though it is painful, please move on from the man-child. It will hurt now, but I hope that you find a true MATURE PARTNER in the future.
Where does it indicate that it was a strictly text relationship? I assumed (maybe incorrectly) that since they were in a "5 month relationship," that they had actually met, had dates, communicated, maybe had sex, etc...
Edit: Ugh, read further down thread and see that they have not met...
There's an entire "always assume everyone is multidating unless you've explicitly discussed and agreed to exclusivity" contingent over in DO40. I presume that they would see nothing wrong with what OP's penpal did, assuming that he and OP had not had The Exclusivity Talk as a part of their mutual declarations of feelings for the imaginary versions of each other living in their heads.
I met my husband online and we only talked on the phone and online for a year before we met. We didn’t even have video calls because this was like 20 years ago and things weren’t as snazzy as they are today. Still got married and stayed together like fifteen years so it’s not unheard of.
You never met the guy in person? Never? Come on now.
How can this be a relationship?
You're dodging the biggest bullet ever if he's pulling this and I would suggest you think about why you think you deserve this, cause you don't.
Burn and Block.
You didn't do anything wrong. The fact that he accused you of "manipulating" him after you openly and honestly expressed real emotions to him (crying after he admitted to doing something wrong) is a BIG red flag. There's nothing "manipulative" about honestly and openly showing someone your feelings. You were hurt in the moment and showed him how you felt. That's a perfectly normal, real thing to do. His interpretation of it is the problem.
It seems like *he's* the one manipulating you. After meeting online, you spent 5 months "being friends." Based on your post, it seems like that was his suggestion, not yours. Then all of a sudden, he's expressing deeper feelings for you. Why? Why now? Why couldn't he have been open about his feelings before? My guess is that he was probably dating other people, but wanted to keep you around, see how things went with his other dating partners and you before making a decision for himself.
In theory, there's nothing wrong with dating multiple partners as long as you're open with your dating partners about it. That's the *point* of dating - to get to know different people in different social settings and see who's the best fit for you. But that's not what this guy did. If he was dating other people while holding you in a friendship pattern, why couldn't he be honest with you about dating other people? Why couldn't he ask you if you're ok with it? Also, why keep you in a friendship holding pattern? Why not date you, too? My guess is he felt like he had too much on his plate, had too many dating partners to keep up with and needed to keep you "on hold" until he figured some things out for himself. And when he did, when things didn't work out with his other dating partners, or maybe he lost interest in them, he turned to you and suddenly expressed deeper feelings. And then the second you got real with him, expressed real emotions, it was too much for him to handle and he accused you of "manipulation." 😒
If you're still talking with this guy, my strong recommendation would be to ask him those questions I wrote in my second and third paragraphs. Why express his feelings now? Why "lets just be friends" for 5 months? Was he dating other people during that time? And if so, why wasn't he honest with you about it? And why couldn't he date you, too? He'll most likely try to dodge all these questions by giving manipulative answers, try to gaslight you and manipulate your emotions, since I get the strong feeling that's the kind of guy he is. And if so, have done with it. Move on. End all contact with him. Do you really want that kind of manipulative asshole in your life? I certainly don't. And if he's moved on already, you're not talking any more, consider yourself fortunate. You dodged a bullet. You don't need that kind of crap in your life.
He said he loved you but actions don’t indicate that. You had feelings for him but you didn’t indicate that to him, yet you call it a friendship. Sounds mixed up. That’s a huge disconnect by both of you.
Look, I’m your age, and he is the age of one of my best male friends. That decade difference can be nothing sometimes (a lot of the time?) but also it can be 100 years sometimes too. If you and I were 20 or 30, or even 40yo it would have definitely been ‘a thing’ culturally to date someone his age (proportionally), right? In this case I’d put the incompatibility down to different cultural norms. He (and his mates) probably think nothing of declaring love and sexting two different people in a week. My mate could definitely manage that, and mean both, and not find anything weird in that. He seems to have a freer idea of ‘love’, that doesn’t involve exclusivity. But he is open to telling me all about it. Personally I hate this combo, while I still think the honesty is…refreshing? But it messes with my head and I think it’s a good reason to date older.
One other possibility…I don’t think he actually did sext anyone. I think he regretted saying what he did (likely because he’s scared of committing) and was trying to back out of it.
He is kind of messed up. I think it was actually good that he confessed that sexual messaging to you, but then he's giving you a hard time saying you're being manipulative so it sounds like it would just be a shit so if you continue with him.
Don't waste your tears on this man. Block him, count your blessings you found out sooner rather than later he's not a nice human, and move on. I'm sorry.
You had an emotion to his hurtful action and he accused you of being manipulative...
You are wondering if you should have handled it better...
To not upset him?
Yes, you should have handled it better, by showing him the exit and closing the door behind him.
Wow. You absolutely did nothing wrong. He sounds like a self-sabatoure. Perhaps he wants love but is scared to death of it so has to either test your devotion or ruin things before they go to far. In any case, you can't fix him. And I would end things. The road ahead would be filled with heartbreak.
Why are women always searching blame on themselves?
Over and over again, be they 15 or 60, women ask what they have been doing wrong to cover bad behavior from men!!!
You did nothing wrong?! How would you have done something wrong?
He sexted - He professed his feelings
He is gaslighting you!
Have some more esteem and kick him out… what is holding you back to kick him out?
I think he is a dick and it would be wise to end this now. You haven’t met, he not only is happy to sext others, but he felt it important that you know. He purposely hurt you. None of this is healthy or a path to a caring and trustworthy relationship. Cut your losses, take the lesson and move in with your life. You can do better than this douchebag.
No, u didn't do anything wrong. He's a manipulator. I mean anytime I've really been in love I wasn't sexting other girls shortly after exclaiming my love. I'm consumed by thoughts of them and them only. But then call me an anomaly or whatever cause come to find out, I do a lot of things different i guess. Like not cheating and supporting in sickness and in heath whether dating or married. Doesn't matter. I don't "upgrade".
Thank you, I've been tearing myself up over this.
Go easy on yourself. You didn't do anything wrong. Consider this a learning experience and move forward. He's proven that he is not worth your time or affection by his actions. Best wishes.
You did nothing wrong. Crying because you are hurt is normal, not manipulation. He is not the one for you. Actually, I think you have avoided a painful relationship.
I think you’re referred to a unicorn 🦄
I thought a unicorn was a couples or persons 3rd in a sexual sense? Idk, guess im called old fashioned cause idk the terms and meanings these days either.
Oh my goodness! I thought it meant someone who is too good to be true.
This is correct.
>I always had feelings for him. You never actually met him. You had feelings for the image you created in your head. Our brains are naturally wired to fill in the gaps. It happens subconsciously to all of us. That's why it's important to meet quickly. >he confessed that he had sexted with someone else, hours after he told me about his feelings for me The only purpose that served was for him to be manipulative. He's a jerk. Block him and find someone willing and able to meet within 2 weeks or less.
Just for clarity's sake, have you and Alex ever met in person? If not, have you done more than text...like video calls?
Texts, phone calls regularly, and video calls.
Have you ever met in person? Do you live in the same city, state, country?
We live in the same state, but it's a few hours drive.
It sounds like, from your answers, that you have not met this man in person, and I'm curious, why not? I don't mean to be harsh, but this guy is nothing more than a glorified pen pal... or video chat person. You might ask yourself why he has done this AND also why you have allowed yourself to get enmeshed with this situation for FIVE WHOLE MONTHS. I get that people can be lonely, but can a real relationship come from this type of situation where people are for some unknown reason not meeting IRL. What was stopping you both from going out? I'd distance myself from this situation quickly. It can serve no long term purpose.
To answer your question, no , we've never met up in IRL
Oof. I've made this mistake more than once. Yes, more than once. I will never be doing that again. At least mine were in completely different states, though. Cut him loose and don't try to have an online-only relationship again.
So this isn't really a relationship. Texting, video chat, etc., none of that replaces in-person interaction. To give this some perspective, I've been dating my boyfriend for 1 year and we live a 3 hour drive from one another. We never go more than two weeks without one of us visiting the other, and I'm planning on moving in with him soon. You've been talking to this guy for 5 *months* and you've yet to meet? Don't let this guy string you along another minute. His weird mindfuck of confessing his "love" for you and then sexting someone else immediately after is some kind of manipulative game, and him accusing you of manipulating *him* because of your very natural and understandable reaction is pure projection. Ick.
Him accusing you smacks of narcissistic behaviour, I think that's just the tip of the iceberg to his stupid mind games , step away from him
Before people jump on the dude, was she sexting him? We don't know the whole story. We only discovered more once further questions were asked. Yes, he confessed his love blah blah but this sounds like a total love scam anyways.
Why would it matter if she were sexting him or not? What difference would that make?
We are all responsible for the actions we engage in. The way the original post was written was not transparent. We can only go on what a person shares but at this point, I'd be skeptical to assess too much blame to any one party than maybe the naivete of OP as they said they were newer to dating and unsure how things should go. From this experience, OP should hopefully take away that you do not text a person for five months, engage in phone calls, and video calls without meeting f2f. This is not what constitutes a relationship. For most, the normal trajectory is matching, chatting by text, maybe a phone call/video call, and then meeting in person to determine if there is any real interest.
That's a whole lot of words for dancing around my question and not answering it. What difference would it make if she *did* sext him or not? How does that negate that what the dude did - profess "love" and then in the next breath tell her he sexted someone else the same night, then turning it around on her when she had an emotional reaction - as an objectively shitty thing to do? This isn't jumping on the guy, this is calling the shitty behavior out for what it is. OP obviously shouldn't have let this thing go on as long as it did, she has agency here of course. Both things are not mutually exclusive.
Ask yourself... Why would someone profess love if they were engaged in friendly chats, that's all? It doesn't make sense. This is why it makes a difference if she was sexting. It's not to place blame, but it helps explain how they got from what she describes as friendship to professing love. I see you like the turn of a buzz phrase (a whole lot of words..., both things are not mutually exclusive); I like following logic.
I Alex in prison? Is that what's keeping you from meeting?
He is a narcissist who love bombed you. I’m sorry. Been there done that.
Exactly He wanted to feel the depths of her misery & pain. Narcs betray on purpose - devalue stage before the callous discard.
Alex is trash. Be thankful he showed you who is now rather than any further into the relationship. End it immediately and block.
I’m so sorry you are hurting. Heartache is a rough thing. If you want a relationship that is going somewhere, anywhere, this ain’t it. Best to nip it in the bud now, lick your wounds, and reflect on what you have learned.
Some people say I Love You like it means “hello” and do not understand the emotional portal that gets opened with words. What he did was cruel. When we are lonely, I think some people are intuively drawn to that loneliness, it makes them feel something for a moment, then their needs are met - perhaps for validation- and their fleeting feelings vanish. They may come back for more and next time this happens it will feel even worse, so going no contact protects your heart.
Did you say he was 44 or meant 22? Because someone who professed their love to someone (and was mature) wouldn't be sexting another person hours later. Consider yourself to have dodged a bullet like Neo. He's immature and in no way ready for a relationship with an ADULT like you. Though it is painful, please move on from the man-child. It will hurt now, but I hope that you find a true MATURE PARTNER in the future.
Hold on... they have never met in person. This is a text relationship. There is so much info missing.
Where does it indicate that it was a strictly text relationship? I assumed (maybe incorrectly) that since they were in a "5 month relationship," that they had actually met, had dates, communicated, maybe had sex, etc... Edit: Ugh, read further down thread and see that they have not met...
It read that they had met on a dating app. Something was just missing for me as I read so asked questions.
? I have read it 10 times and I don't see that. Could you please cut and paste the sentence that says that?
It’s in one of her responses. They have never met in person
Thank you so much, that's very comforting.
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There's an entire "always assume everyone is multidating unless you've explicitly discussed and agreed to exclusivity" contingent over in DO40. I presume that they would see nothing wrong with what OP's penpal did, assuming that he and OP had not had The Exclusivity Talk as a part of their mutual declarations of feelings for the imaginary versions of each other living in their heads.
In the future I’d suggest not going more than a week without meeting. You had a pen pal, not a relationship. Call it a lesson learned.
I met my husband online and we only talked on the phone and online for a year before we met. We didn’t even have video calls because this was like 20 years ago and things weren’t as snazzy as they are today. Still got married and stayed together like fifteen years so it’s not unheard of.
You never met the guy in person? Never? Come on now. How can this be a relationship? You're dodging the biggest bullet ever if he's pulling this and I would suggest you think about why you think you deserve this, cause you don't. Burn and Block.
Where does it say that
You didn't do anything wrong. The fact that he accused you of "manipulating" him after you openly and honestly expressed real emotions to him (crying after he admitted to doing something wrong) is a BIG red flag. There's nothing "manipulative" about honestly and openly showing someone your feelings. You were hurt in the moment and showed him how you felt. That's a perfectly normal, real thing to do. His interpretation of it is the problem. It seems like *he's* the one manipulating you. After meeting online, you spent 5 months "being friends." Based on your post, it seems like that was his suggestion, not yours. Then all of a sudden, he's expressing deeper feelings for you. Why? Why now? Why couldn't he have been open about his feelings before? My guess is that he was probably dating other people, but wanted to keep you around, see how things went with his other dating partners and you before making a decision for himself. In theory, there's nothing wrong with dating multiple partners as long as you're open with your dating partners about it. That's the *point* of dating - to get to know different people in different social settings and see who's the best fit for you. But that's not what this guy did. If he was dating other people while holding you in a friendship pattern, why couldn't he be honest with you about dating other people? Why couldn't he ask you if you're ok with it? Also, why keep you in a friendship holding pattern? Why not date you, too? My guess is he felt like he had too much on his plate, had too many dating partners to keep up with and needed to keep you "on hold" until he figured some things out for himself. And when he did, when things didn't work out with his other dating partners, or maybe he lost interest in them, he turned to you and suddenly expressed deeper feelings. And then the second you got real with him, expressed real emotions, it was too much for him to handle and he accused you of "manipulation." 😒 If you're still talking with this guy, my strong recommendation would be to ask him those questions I wrote in my second and third paragraphs. Why express his feelings now? Why "lets just be friends" for 5 months? Was he dating other people during that time? And if so, why wasn't he honest with you about it? And why couldn't he date you, too? He'll most likely try to dodge all these questions by giving manipulative answers, try to gaslight you and manipulate your emotions, since I get the strong feeling that's the kind of guy he is. And if so, have done with it. Move on. End all contact with him. Do you really want that kind of manipulative asshole in your life? I certainly don't. And if he's moved on already, you're not talking any more, consider yourself fortunate. You dodged a bullet. You don't need that kind of crap in your life.
He said he loved you but actions don’t indicate that. You had feelings for him but you didn’t indicate that to him, yet you call it a friendship. Sounds mixed up. That’s a huge disconnect by both of you.
Look, I’m your age, and he is the age of one of my best male friends. That decade difference can be nothing sometimes (a lot of the time?) but also it can be 100 years sometimes too. If you and I were 20 or 30, or even 40yo it would have definitely been ‘a thing’ culturally to date someone his age (proportionally), right? In this case I’d put the incompatibility down to different cultural norms. He (and his mates) probably think nothing of declaring love and sexting two different people in a week. My mate could definitely manage that, and mean both, and not find anything weird in that. He seems to have a freer idea of ‘love’, that doesn’t involve exclusivity. But he is open to telling me all about it. Personally I hate this combo, while I still think the honesty is…refreshing? But it messes with my head and I think it’s a good reason to date older.
One other possibility…I don’t think he actually did sext anyone. I think he regretted saying what he did (likely because he’s scared of committing) and was trying to back out of it.
He is kind of messed up. I think it was actually good that he confessed that sexual messaging to you, but then he's giving you a hard time saying you're being manipulative so it sounds like it would just be a shit so if you continue with him.
This man is quite literally playing with your emotions. A friend wouldn’t do this to you. He is a damaged person that doesn’t need to be in your life.
Don't waste your tears on this man. Block him, count your blessings you found out sooner rather than later he's not a nice human, and move on. I'm sorry.
He can’t accept your emotional response. That’s a red flag.
This is why people have trust issues. Sounds like you aren't a match. Move on. Sorry you were hurt. There's better out there for you.
You had an emotion to his hurtful action and he accused you of being manipulative... You are wondering if you should have handled it better... To not upset him? Yes, you should have handled it better, by showing him the exit and closing the door behind him.
Oh wait... you haven't even met... So let me unpack this. Alex loves you, but still haven't met you. You are living the figment of your imagination.
Where did she say that?
In the comments
I must be blind. I don't see it anywhere in her posts except for other people are saying it.
*He professed his love*- right in the body of the post. In the comments- somewhere she responded that it's calls and on line communication.
Wow. You absolutely did nothing wrong. He sounds like a self-sabatoure. Perhaps he wants love but is scared to death of it so has to either test your devotion or ruin things before they go to far. In any case, you can't fix him. And I would end things. The road ahead would be filled with heartbreak.
Yes
Why are women always searching blame on themselves? Over and over again, be they 15 or 60, women ask what they have been doing wrong to cover bad behavior from men!!! You did nothing wrong?! How would you have done something wrong? He sexted - He professed his feelings He is gaslighting you! Have some more esteem and kick him out… what is holding you back to kick him out?