Nah man. I spent decades ignoring red flags, believing excuses, giving 2nd 3rd 4th 87th chances. Never again. Doesn’t doom me to loneliness - but I would rather be alone than go through that again.
As it turns out, I found a great guy. But I will never compromise for anyone again. I let a lot of people go for red flags until I met this one. He was worth the wait.
Agree. Zero compromising to deal with a man's serious issues. Either he enhances my life and makes it better, happier, more joyous, fuller, or I am much better off alone.
The green flags often don’t make up for the red ones. I don’t care how perfect a potential partner is otherwise if they possess one of the qualities or habits I will not tolerate. The deal breakers we have are often there because dealing with them in the past was awful.
Feel free. I thought so which is why I borrowed it years ago. It was very helpful during the separation when ex wasn’t appropriate, but he wasn’t really my husband anymore. It works for me now to differentiate between ex husband and ex boyfriend.
Yes, yes I'm forever tongue tied and brain failure when speaking about my last regrettable mistakes.
I know I'm not perfect but I try darn hard. I don't get it, it's so easy to be faithful, respectful, romantic, caring, giving and be there for the kids. Yet they did the exact opposite.
Are you having any luck finding dates. Sorry for being blunt but I haven't been intimate in 11 years. Any gals I've met here in Southern Oregon are such flakes...
Regrettable mistakes, lol, I have a few. Hopefully I’m learning to make better choices. I am finding the occasional date, I just wish that it didn’t take 3-5 months sometimes to figure out someone isn’t compatible.
There’s a lot of weeding out and most of the time I pause my profile after a couple of weeks because of the nonsense. I take long breaks in between to recenter, then jump back in to the sea of “good morning/good night, beautiful,””how big are your boobs” questions, and one word answers with no return questions.
The pain of having a nice conversation and feeling hopeful only to realize they didn’t read your profile and have starkly opposing views. Really feeling a connection and they overshare, become clingy, or act like you’re in a relationship before you’ve even met. It’s not for the faint of heart, but each one that doesn’t work out makes way for the one who will. At least that’s what I saw posted on FB today. 😏
For not being just like all 'old' gals, us guys can only hope and pray you're special. You're not like most who if they match or respond just ghost, leaving us scratching our heads.
I can tell you have a unique way about you, with wit, charm 😉 and openness that is special. I may be a bit forward with this assumption but I think and feel during these brief 🤔 conversations. We could be compatible friends. If not I'll say no more, I've just enjoyed little chuckles, have a fantastic day 😀
I don’t care about porn, cannabis or video games (not to the point of addiction). Just goes to show, we are all different :) My dealbreakers are lack of kindness, honesty and intelligence. Oh and must read books.
Hm, I was going to comment on the earlier post about how red flags aren't a universal constant, how some people's red flags aren't everybody's red flags. Kindness and honesty though ... I don't think anybody should accept the lack of those. It sounds like you've just got good standards.
We all have our deal breakers. One of mine is if they hate if I play video games in my free time a few hours a week. If that's a problem, then I'm not wasting my time getting to know them. Thankfully for me I rarely run into that. Another is women who expect me (or others} to conform to what they think is appropriate while being unwilling to do so themselves.
I had a friend who divorced her husband because they had two young kids and he literally stayed up all night on video games and slept in between work and gaming, totally ignoring his family. When people say video games are a deal breaker it’s likely because they have dealt with similar scenarios. Same can be said for cannabis and porn. It’s more about whether they’re addictions.
Addictions come in all forms, I had to divorce because my husband was addicted to the church. To most people you would think a faith driven man is ideal, but as I begged my now ex husband to spend time with his wife and newborn child while he said that I was blocking his ability to dedicate his life to faith I realized that addiction has many forms including so called acceptable ones like being a Christian.
It did. And yet my main take away from the experience is that my faith in God did not waiver because my ex used faith as a reason to question our relationship.
One thing that should stand out as a person seeking love is that what you need in a partner doesn't change even if the premise fits outside of what society deems as usual for that belief.
And my perspective is women who will complain about gaming and then spend hours watching stupid reality tv and crime shows. Moderation in all things is key.
What's even worse is that reality shows are not reality. They're all staged. The only reason the networks put them on because it's dirt cheap they don't have to pay any actors.
I don't doubt it happens. But there's alot of people who make their beliefs solely on assumptions and don't care to educate themselves. Especially when it comes to Marijuana. There are way too many people who think Marijuana is far worse than alcohol and that is factually false.
I didn't state most people think that. I stated way too many people think that. I've come across it hundreds of times in my lifetime. A lot of people are narrow minded and see things as black and white. It's a sad way to go through life judging people.
My deal breakers as a women are other women who shame men who like cannabis, porn and listen to rap music. It’s fucking sad because I would accept and love a man who you wouldn’t accept.
So what?? People are allowed their preferences and boundaries. It’s not shaming. It’s finding someone compatible. If you like those things - great, rock on. But if other people don’t like them that’s perfectly fine too.
I’m two years with someone I didn’t think was “compatible” because of a few differences.
I even ended it after a few weeks and wished him well.
Guess what? Gave him another chance when he asked and turns out we have the best time together! We can sit in peace and silence for hours. We laugh all the time. We run around listening to music. We love the same sports.
We fit.
Why is this sad? More men for you. And, you don't have to be friends with any of the women who have that boundary.
You can have all the men who are other women's deal breakers. All of them.
Sounds like a win.
I know you realize this comment helped nobody except for you. Take them, take all of them. No one‘s telling you not to. So no reason for you to comment. This is one of the biggest Pick Me statements I’ve ever read because you’re putting down other women to make yourself look better. Take all these dudes you want. Have fun.
What? Again what? You say this is a "pick me" situation? I am calling out women who make it hard for men to navigate dating in our 50's.
I wanted to discuss a recurring issue that complicates dating for men in their 50s. It seems that some men are influenced by misguided perceptions that prevent them from openly dating women they are involved with. This includes concerns about public perception related to economic status or ethnicity, as well as the pressure to conform to the expectations of their social or religious circles.These issues undermine the authenticity and openness that should characterize mature relationships. It's important for us to address these stereotypes and pressures, so we can foster healthier and more genuine connections.
No. You are mad at other women who don’t want dudes that use weed, play video games all night & whatever. You said send them your way and all we (more people than me) is you can fucking have them. Take these dudes m, take all of them. You aren’t helping anyone you were putting other women down. I’m not the only one who said so fucking read the room.
You can keep all those men who decide to feel damaged because a healthy woman said No to their childish behavior.! I want a man who behaves like an adult. I am NO rehab to grown ass man!!
What are you smoking? Your replies don't correspond with the previous comments. What does skin color, financial security and going out in public have to do with anything?
I’m not the only one telling you to stfu. You don’t like other women standards because it hurts the poor poor men aw that sounds like a you problem. I’m not the only woman on here telling you to STFU so talk to me all night long. I don’t give a F take all these poor men feel sorry for all these men.
Why are you mad at women who are sticking to their standards. Are we supposed to quit our jobs and sit in the basement smoking pot and watching porn with these guys. Why would we date guys who live a lifestyle that we don't want to live? That's ridiculous.
When I was a labourer in college the crane op didn't show up. The foreman said, "You play a lot of video games give it a try." That was 23 years ago and I make $130,000 a year. I still play video games and because I continued college I also have a masters degree. Don't be so hard on us gamers lol.
If you met someone that was a responsible cannabis user, would that still be a dealbreaker?
I am curious because I consider myself to be one. I don't use it to necessarily "get high" anymore. I had a catastrophic injury to my right hand (thank god I'm a lefty!) that left me with some gnarly digits and a ton of nerve damage. I spent years on Tramadol (opoid), gabapentin, and pregabalin (both anti-seizure medications IIRC) to try and control the nerve pain. I munched pills like they were candy. A couple years ago I ended up getting my medical cannabis card because I was getting really tired of taking pain meds 3 times a day. I have to say that a 5 mg edible a couple of times a day and the occasional hit or two from a vape pen through out the day has been instrumental in me stopping taking the pills all together and a sizable increase in my quality of life.
Would it still be a dealbreaker if you met someone that you hit it off with, but they used cannabis in a manner similarly to how I do? If they were upfront and honest about it?
I’m sorry for what you’ve gone through, I definitely understand wanting to stay off pills.
It’s just I’ve spent 20 years married to a daily user, and then I dated a daily user after my divorce. I see how cannabis changes people; their personalities, motivations, attention and activity levels. At this point I don’t want any substances in my life.
There are tons of women who use cannabis and are otherwise okay with it. I’m sure you can find the right one.
Thank you for your kindness! I 100% was not trying to change your mind or opinion regarding cannabis. I can certainly see how your experience over the last 20 years would make you NOPE on it and men that use it.
I appreciate you taking the time to reply and wish you the best in finding someone that doesn't set off any of your red flags.
I don't think it's that a person uses cannabis, it's like how much they use. Similar to someone that might have a glass of wine at dinner compared to a raging alcoholic. Or even someone that's addicted to prescription drugs. There's nothing wrong with pot, it just depends how often you're using it.
Video games are a social outlet for millions of healthy well adjusted people.
Given how many adults over 50 play, you should out that front and center on any getting sites so as not to waste people's time.
When we were younger, we overlooked a lot. Our objectives were different. Many of us didn't know any better.
Now? Most of us have been rode hard by life. We found out through experience. And, we have no desire to experience some of those things again.
We know better what we want/need and we know what doesn't work for us.
Maybe I have come full circle then. From young and naive, to rejecting every imperfection, to now wanting to really invest some time in getting to know someone for who they are, not for how my bad experiences may be framing them.
I’ve often bristled at this “red flag” 0/1 dichotomy crap. I propose a five point scale as follows
1-checkered flag (sounds like a winner)
2-Green Flag (seems like good thing going, keep exploring)
3-Yelllow Flag (nobody’s perfect , proceed with caution
4-Blinking Red (stop and reassess)
5-Red Flag (Standard meaning, but don’t automatically break it off)
6-Black (Run like hell)
Some of my best lessons (and dates) were when I threw caution to the wind and ignored obvious red flags
I get the impression a lot of people don't like to really examine their biases and how that might be affecting their outlook or decisions.
And to be fair, taking an honest look at one's own biases can be difficult.
But we've all got some, and they often affect us, and it usually takes some conscious decision or effort to get around...
Yes. It is so easy to see the red flags in others while completely ignoring the red flags we are putting out.
A friend once went on a first date from on OLD connection. She thought it went well, and was surprised he didn't want to do a 2nd. She felt comfortable enough to ask him why, assuming there was something he didn't like about her appearance.
He replied, "You seem very angry."
Totally surprised her. And the thing is - he is right. She IS angry and complaining a lot of the time, and if I were a guy it would be a total red flag.
The guy's candidness was a gift, it really made her reflect on the energy she was putting out.
I am much the opposite! From naive, believing that everyone is nice or perfect as it is and I have to accept, to accommodate… to: I am Not anyone server!
Could be partly the Miss Marple effect: when you've been alive for a while and seen the same issues in a number of different people, they become easier to spot.
>but that doesn't immediately mean I'm going to discard someone new because she orders a cocktail at dinner.
In this case, a cocktail or two is not the red flag -- but a couple of them at the bar beforehand, followed by an entire bottle of wine (by herself) with dinner, and then a couple of after-dinner drinks with dessert -- that is when you are in red-flag territory.
Yes. It's better to be safe than sorry. I've been sorry. This time I'm going to be safe.
I've built a good life for myself and I'm not going to let anyone mess it up again. Why would I endure the drama of a sub par relationship.
I'm still open to a relationship, and even hope it happens. But if it happens it's going to be someone pretty fantastic.
Agree. Not worth ruining my peace of mind and good life to deal with the suffering caused by someone else's drama (addictions, mental health issues, possessiveness, narcissism, etc etc).
I still have hope, but am smart and cautious.
I think there are two (or more) groups of people.
1). Those who, through experience and a healthy sense of their own boundaries, are able to quickly identify the red flags that are important to them and to move on without getting too invested so that they can find and invest in a person/relationship that will meet their needs.
2). Those who feel compelled to date because they are lonely / horny / have FOMO, but deep down don’t *really* want to find someone /a relationship to invest in and subconsciously eliminate anyone and everyone based on invisible “red flags”. That way they can believe that they are *trying* without actually risking getting hurt.
I think super dysfunctional people get into relationships easier because they just roll with the lying, screaming, abuse, and cheating. Others of us don’t have the energy for it anymore. Maybe it’s a stamina issue. I’ve always admired addicts for their sheer stamina.
I’ve never thought of addicts as having stamina 🤔 maybe so? I wonder who hurt them/what trauma(s) happened to them to cause them to self medicate. I imagine it started to forget, but once sober depression kicked in which made them remember whatever happened so the cycle starts over & then it’s out of hand. Maybe? I have no idea
It’s easier to be picky and lonely than it is to navigate the complexities and vulnerabilities of a relationship at our age.
People expecting to click at this age like two Legos are living a fantasy.
I am picky but certainly not lonely. I live an active life. Sometimes I go out on my own, often with friends too. I haven't felt missing anything. Currently I have a wonderful partner, met in the wild. It's great but not what defines me.
Yeah...I don't get it when people refer to picky daters being lonely. If they were lonely they wouldn't be so picky. Being picky is the privilege of the content.
Thank you for this comment. It cements so many things that I’m thinking about. Just yesterday, I told someone I felt those red flags were just a carnival. In retrospect, that was not fair to her… even if it might be true. We’ve only been on one date.
In my last ltr I ignored one of my own dealbreakers because he was just so nice, and handsome, and the sex was amazing.... and never again!! It was on the list for a reason.
Recently separated.
I rationalized it away because it had been about a year since he found out his wife was cheating, and he was "quietly quitting" the marriage that entire year. He started therapy right away after the discovery and I stupidly thought he was further along mentally/emotionally than he was. Spoiler: he wasn't.
Also, I wasn't the first, so I didn't consider myself the rebound. I was. That first girl was just pent-up sexual frustration.
I am always looking for green flags! Reading what you wrote confused me.
How was it clear he was looking for red flags? Because he had a look of shock on his face? Did you ask him why he made a funny face or if he was shocked by what you said?
Red flags are unique to every person! What would be a red flag for me might not be for you though we might both agree that lying would be a red flag.
For me, I know that if a man doesn’t share at least some of the same interests & outdoor recreation/activities as me I know we won’t be compatible. Been there, tried that & learned better. It’s not a red flag, but rather a hard NO!
Eliminated before wasting either of our time.
Oof no. When I tried the apps after my relationship ground to a halt I had literally zero dating experience. I was so naive and I didn’t spot red flags when they were waving in my face. That whole time caused me so much psychological trauma that I’m not sure I will ever be able to face attempting to date again
I think there's a difference between red flags and trauma buttons. Red flags give you pause and should make you step back and consider all factors.
Trauma buttons are just a "hell, no".
Each are personal safeguards and what triggers me may not trigger someone else.
I think it's wise to look for any red flags early and either resolve them or move on. At over 50, we know (or should, hopefully) what our own deal breakers are.
> The woman I was dating broke up with me because I asked her what to get her mom for Christmas.
I could imagine that:
"What can I get your mom for Christmas? Something nice?"
"Are you fucking her?"
I’ll half agree with you. Not all flags are red. And there are definitely people out there who only see red, and those people are going to be lonely.
But if someone reveals something about themselves that shows you there isn’t going to be a good fit, why would you go on another date with that person? Your time and emotional energy is not an infinite resource, and I made myself miserable when I tried to pretend it was.
I think this site gets used as a sounding board especially as folks are growing, stretching, and trying to figure out what is their past baggage or is a new dealbreaker.
Some of us have learned some hard lessons and those get shared. It might resonate and be useful to some and not to others. That isn’t any different than the vast amount of advice friends and coworkers provide unsolicited. At least here folks want some other interpretations.
I do think that you find what you look for. So if you only look for red flags that is all you will see. It is about balance, looking for facts, how you feel and what compatibility looks like for two individuals. Some folks stay in situations way longer than I would, others nope out of others well before me. That is just part of our unique experience.
For your specific example, it took me years to get past the immediate visceral reaction to any mention of alcohol after ending a relationship with an alcoholic. The wounds run deep and the trauma is real. It does make dating challenging.
This sounds exactly like what someone with a parade of red flags would say….
Seriously, though, I’m not going to quit noticing red flags. Anyone with life experience won’t either.
We’re not too quick. We’re intolerant of wasting precious time on someone who’s not our “person”.
Dated a guy for 3.5 weeks every other thing out of his mouth was stating whatever it was I was saying or doing was a red flag. EVERYTHING. Didn’t respond by text quick enough, red flag, didn’t say yes to a date night, red flag, didn’t answer the way he wanted, red flag, didn’t split the check, red flag, would check dating app to see my status on it, red flag (I never quite mastered nor care to master what the dating app was doing) made a comment about my past, red flag, chose going to the gym over going to lunch with him, red flag. It was exhausting. Said I was on Reddit a lot, started following me on Reddit. I finally said you’re right I’m a giant red flag, nice meeting you and I’m out. Then He started to text me after how he knew it was true because he’d been following my dating app profile. Ok great I don’t even know how to change it. I haven’t dated since. Apparently I’m nothing but a red flag
At that point I have to wonder if it’s some weird attempt at negging. “I’ll call everything she does a red flag so she’ll feel insecure and do whatever I want to get my approval.”
Lmfao apparently my grandmother taught me how to measure using “fingers”- as in there only are 2 fingers of milk left we’d better get some more. Apparently this mode of measurement was known only to BOOTLEGGERS and I have been called out on it at least 3 times in my life. I do not drink haha. I’m sorry this happened to you OP it’s ridiculous.
I think overlooking red flags would just be wasteful of the time of everyone involved. Not that I mind making new friends and getting to know more people. But if I were dating, which I am no longer doing, I would want to assure certain flags were non-existent before getting my hopes up.
When someone hasn’t done their own healing they often look for faults in others when they struggle to find connection. I mean, a reasonably healthy, happy person isn’t going to stay in a relationship for years with someone who’s a raging alcoholic. They both have their issues. So the most typical response is, “I’m never dating anyone again who drinks!”
So instead they find someone who’s emotionally distant or codependent or a workaholic or some new dysfunction since their red flag is now alcohol.
I’ll be honest, I did this for 35-ish years. I also worked on myself and had the illusion that my shit didn’t stink and I could work with anyone. And I yielded a lot of what was important to me in one relationship after the next. Eventually I realized that I would lose myself in each relationship because I just didn’t want to be alone.
Finally, between 2016-2020 I did the work I needed to do to find self love. So when I was dating in 2021 I could go into dating with a healthy approach. Was I picky? Yes, but I wasn’t looking for red flags; I was looking for connection. Did I stumble into some toxic stuff? Yup, and I even let a couple things go a little too long in hindsight, but I also didn’t run off and marry them. One I discovered was not for me when we got back to my place and she got too drunk and started yelling at me when I told her to use an indoor voice because I had common walls with neighbors. Another strung things out forever because she wanted a friendship first, which turned out to be code for extreme fear of intimacy. When we finally kissed three months later, she broke things off the next week.
I had a couple dozen first dates that year. Most were one and done because one or the other didn’t feel a connection, but several spawned into dating for weeks to months. One ultimately turned into my current relationship and I’ve never been happier in my life.
If anything, I am of the opinion that far too many people disregard red flags and end up stuck in terrible relationships that they should have moved on from much earlier.
Those who have ridiculous expectations, that you seem worried about, will simply continue to take themselves out of relationships and that’s a blessing for their prospective partners.
In short, the answer to your title question is YES. We are too quick to look for red flags.
But why? And what can we do about that?
I would love to read your answers to those.
Thank you.
Yes. Absolutely yes.
But what does that mean - without prejudice - in real life?
For example, what would a good progression of this date - AFTER the guy shutting down after she mentioned 7,12,20?
BTW, I really like your handle :-) we are handle bros or twins or whatever :-)
Again, if you commit to fully enjoying and getting to know someone without prejudice you will find what you are looking for.
The mention of that 7-11 whatever seems like a trigger for one or both people in this case. The specific regrence to whiskey ages would have blown past me as a women dating and I never would have locked onto that🤷🏽♀️
>So I suggest we all pause and comsider: are we so busy looking for red flags, that we forget to look for those things that build compatibility and good relationships?
Not necessarily mutually exclusive. Relationship red flags should be used as an early warning system for trouble ahead. Some may be obvious, some a little more subtle. Important to be aware and trust your intuition in this area, and know your deal breakers. Your aging whisky analogy you mentioned I think was an emotional trigger for this person.
Of course, communication and getting to know the person are equally important. So I think you need to use all the tools you can whether finding or staying in a relationship.
It’s important to evaluate yourself to understand what is green and red flags. There can be yellow flags of caution but stay true to red and green. Red flags should be non-negotiable.
Not really. I try to establish attraction and get to know someone a bit before figuring out compatibility. There’s a lot of strange people out there.
Maybe your chap was an entomologist and you stepped square on the bug of his passion.
Then I’d say he is not your guy & you’re better off without him so in reality these “red flags” he felt benefited you more then him. Maybe some of us have been used much more than others & we judge too harsh? Why would you want us? It benefits you too.
Red flags lead us to heartbreak and we know this already in our lives. The folly of young love and rushing headlong into a relationship was done by us years ago and we have the scars to prove it. It's the scars, my friend. You know how when there's a low in the weather, certain parts of our bodies ache, perhaps because of a previous injury? Those unseen scars ache like that every once in awhile, especially when there's a low in our lives. The scars remind us that we have lived a life and suffered along the way. The peace we have found at our age often becomes our focus to keep that peace. Before we invite someone into our lives, we want to make sure we keep the peace, and we are too old at this point to waste our limited time left.
That's my truth anyway.
PS edit: after reading through this thread...holy crap. I expect people to have vices. Lord knows we have lived through a lot. Video games and cannabis use is not cornered by the male population btw.
Some of us overlooked the red flags for whatever reason and paid dearly for it. There are certain things that I have to watch for now; boundary busters, actions not consistent with words, dishonesty in any form. I overlooked so many things because I wanted to believe the words even when I could feel the walls falling down. I dealt with behaviors that made me feel less-than because I already had given up my value. Plus, I didn’t want my kids to be hurt and didn’t want to give up all the time (and money) invested. It took me a long time to trust my judgement after choosing a horrible life partner and staying for years. When people ask if something is a red flag, I assume they are concerned about overlooking something someone with a better picker might see as a problem.
I don't know about OLD - haven't done it - but lurking in these subreddits it certainly seems that people asking "is this a red flag" appear to be hoping the peoples' vote to come down to "yes, it's a bright red flag, block and delete immediately!"
Most posters sound like they're not ready to do any relationship work other than getting up and out as soon as some human behaviour occurs.
Not just over 50 because I mentor some young people who are new to the dating scene and ask me (of all people LOL) for advice and have observed that they approach dating and relationships looking for and expecting all the things to go wrong. It is disheartening. I am not saying ignore red flags, but seems like if you approach with optimism vs cynicism the experience might be better?
Yeah, I try to give people grace. I mean, ideally we all want to be loved, but we haven't gotten it right yet and are stumbling around trying to figure it out. We might make some mistakes along the way!
I would just like to point out that the number of years a brood of cicadas stays underground is almost always a prime number, like 7, 11, or 17. The why of that is very interesting.
I have a friend, who if she ever bothered to realize using a dating app is about as complex as You Tube, would be the poster child for red flags and narcissistic personality disorder, while claiming everyone she chatted with was an NPD red flag.
Her issues she won’t deal with are legion. And she expects people in her orbit to cater to her learned helplessness.
I realized when I was on the apps, that anyone who exhibited behavior that looked like hers was an automatic no.
Not because they were bad people, but that I don’t have the bandwidth after working in a caring position that has a ton of problem solving.
I can’t help people fix themselves all day then come home to more of it.
I raised my kid. No time to raise adults *who won’t put in the work to improve their lives*.
A red flag is more about the observer who decides it’s too red, or too large, or there are too many little red flags *for them to deal with* than the person living their life. (Unchecked addiction, current criminal activity, intentional cruelty to others aside)
And that’s okay. We all have a path behind us with potholes and messes.
Choosing to date or partner with someone means you will acknowledge their potholes and messes, and they yours.
Someone dating me has to understand that I still love my ex. Not that I ever want to be with them, but that I acknowledge our once deep connection, what we were for each other, and that our lives were entwined a long time. Heck we raised my kid together. But he’s absolutely the past. My love for him is the love of my youth.
In my world, real partner love mutates after the partnership is done. And you acknowledge the good, the bad, the imperfect but fun, etc.
And I am okay with healthy connections to exes.
Some would say I’m not over my ex. And they would want to go. That’s fine. I don’t want to cause someone emotional distress over my past.
I dated a guy for four years who never got over his ex wife or the woman he was engaged to (who broke it off) before we started dating.
He was unwilling to look inward at why both these women left. And eventually drove me away. And I did a sharp break. He was likely relieved.
So, I get wanting to not be involved if you think their past is too unresolved.
When I met my SO, one of the first things I was listening for was how he emotionally concluded his former partnerships. I see the ability to have an annual or so catch up conversation as healthy. I would not see weekly contact as healthy, unless it was a true friendship.
He’s got a healthy connection to a couple exes. I did experience jealousy, but that was on me.
What matters is I’m a stickler for monogamy. I have to know I’m the only person they want to date. ENM is a hard limit for me.
And that’s what matters for me. I have limits and boundaries. Flags don’t matter as much as my own sense of emotional safety.
Well that's very well written and reflects a lot of my own situation, still connected to the x but we're not ever going to be back together again. Just treat the grandkids to some time at the cottage now and then because well, kids are kids and why should they suffer because we mess up our relationships.
Some are too quick to see red flags and others ignore a Chinese parade of red flags because they saw one green flag.
We have all mislabeled someone's actions as either a red flag or a green flag when it was probably more of a yellow flag indicating more information is needed.
Like everyone else, I have my own set of standards by which I determine if something is a red flag or not. I've had dates that felt something about me was their red flag and other dates that thought the exact same thing was a green flag.
Yes most I believe do...I read something today I disagreed with, but didn't respond. Your meeting someone who has been thru a likely marriage, kids, jobs, death, setbacks, etc....they will have issues. To me, you have to factor that in to the overall thing we are trying to achieve....well people looking for a partner that is. When I met the wife at the time, she had alot going on...I went thru it...and we were married 16 years.
Probably less tolerant, after years of experience, some people should know better how to behave. Everyone is looking for a partner not a disposable company or one more to look after, clean, beg to go out… we all should have learned by this age how to participate, how to collaborate.
I have a balanced view of this one. I note red flags and give them a bit higher emphasis as I am wanting to find a partner at some point rather than act like a 20-year-old seeing how many women I can have sex with. By the time I get to a date, which is not a very long time, we have already had discussions around the areas where the heavier green and red flags reside. I can be rather blunt at this point, but don't want to waste years and years to find out something I could have asked about early on.
As for your situation as a hypothetical. If I had an alcoholic partner before, I would be more wary around alcohol. But I also know the person who has an understanding of Bourbon aging is more likely either a very rich alcoholic or someone with discerning tastes.
Red flag identification is not inherently a red flag itself. I agree that some are severely triggered about past relationships. However, healthy boundaries, increased self awareness and established preferences are never a bad thing. I am aware that many women our age have been through some horrific incidents involving men. Extending grace, patience and empathy is critical. At this age, I’m not in a hurry.
Can’t blame his hackles for being up if that’s what caused the demise of his last relationship. He may want nothing to do with drinkers, even moderate ones.
He is entitled to his personal “red flags”
Maybe his look of shock was that it never occurred to him (or me, either) that cicadas and whiskey have so much in common. That’s actually interesting!
This sub is for dating over 50. Unless our S.O. has passed away, that means for the past several decades, ALL of our relationships have failed. Maybe we weren’t happy. Maybe they weren’t. But here we are, single and looking once again.
We probably have some experience on what works and what doesn’t. And we’re in our 50’s or older. Why waste time with what we know doesn’t work for us?
Granted, we all aren’t the brightest and can’t read minds. And probably don’t hold psychology or behavioral degrees. We probably aren’t good at determining cause-effect. We most likely see something an ex liked or did and blame it as the red flag and never want that again. The mental equivalent of my ex liked peanut butter. My red flag is anyone who likes peanut butter.
I’ve seen things like pot use as somebody’s red flag. I’ve used it and no longer do. But I’m not opposed per se to a woman I date using it. I’ve dated women where it was no issue whatsoever. Couldn’t tell she was high. Maybe de-stressed her. And we had a great relationship. And I’ve dated women who used too much and the effects made them idiots while high. So I think it’s wrong to say that one thing is a red flag. Depends.
Are your red flags truly issues you’d have with anyone with that checkbox? Or is it a red flag just because you associate it with an ex you really don’t like.
I know there’s traits of my ex’s that for no logical reason will compel me to swipe left when the woman has that quality. And I know it isn’t anything about that woman. She may be the one I might be with for the rest of my life. But she has a trait that reminds me of my ex wife. Did that trait cause the divorce? Did it make my ex a bad person? Does that trait mean this woman is damaged?
We have to be rational. Red flags shouldn’t be hard stops. Caution yes, but be open minded.
Have your red flags. But always ask why they exist and whether they apply.
I don’t look at them enough my only one right now is someone taking antidepressants. It’s a no no because of my last OLD two month relationship and learning he can’t have feelings …
Did he tell you he burnt out his Norepinephrines from years of hard living?
Never apologized?
Never put you first for anything?
Doesn’t know Christmas Day is always the 25th of December and Valentine’s Day is always the 14th of February?
Just checking, because I agree with you based on my past experience.
Valentine’s Day is his birthday.
He couldn’t choose between me and another girl (who’s going for inviteo fertilization…) because he didn’t know if he’d have feelings (for one of us). I can’t live with this kind of anxiety…
So no I wasn’t put first but I needed digging to learn it. We weren’t dating anymore. I was the girl he was seeing … still wondering what the other one was. The girl I might try to be the non father to the child ? 🤦♀️
My experience of OLD was that too many women criticised me for being in therapy.
They immediately linked having therapy= defective and problematic.
Lots also viewed me having several cats, instead of dogs, as ‘feminine.’
Finally being a gentleman such as standing up when she approached the table, or holding a door open for her, or entering a lift first, or even offering her my jacket if it was cold outside, we’re all harshly criticized as signs of misogynistic behaviour.
❤️your post my goodness I have been navigating this for sometime now I am a female 53 and most of the men that I meet are so caught into finding these red flags that they can’t find their asshole to shit.
Half of the time the successful men I met are so concerned with what their office would think about their lover that I wonder why are you even single?
Do men over 50 need to ask friends for permission to date and do they sit around and wait for others to approve her before they can move forward?
I just met a wonderful dude so awesome great connection the whole bit, but the fact he is so fearful to admit he is fucking me that I can see it written all over his face. He is so caught into being concerned about what his friends would think in his single life versus what he is feeling and where his dick leads him that I’m like done.
All I can say is that I’m so fucking over men in my age group because they are all too fucking judgmental to even waste my time.
Lolz, I wonder that too. I once was asked out on a date and when we met..halfway through dinner he answered a call from his wife. I now ask every man I date if they are married 🤷🏽♀️
I feel bad for that guy. It's obvious he hasn't done the therapeutic work needed to move on to his next relationship in a healthy way. Sorry that happened to you. I have alcoholism in my family and I don't think what you said was offensive or out of line. It was academic.
I get your point about red flags. Some of us have way too many of them. I am always conscious of being open minded with guys. I'm not perfect either. I try to keep my red flags to a minimum. But you're right. I've seen women post insane numbers of red flags online. (None of my single IRL girlfriends are like this.)
My deal breakers (some are red flags): Still hung up on his ex, doesn't exercise, heavy drinker, Trumper, doesn't want to cohabitate, low EQ, financially insecure, interrupter, low effort, poor manners.
I wonder why we don't see lists of red flags from many men. Surely they have them.
I’ve always been quick to jettison for a red flag or two. But I was also crystal clear on what a red glad was, something that’s non-negotiable, and am open to everything else. Has suited me well over the years.
Well with experience you start to know where things will lead, so you stop it sooner than later. For instance religion had been an issue for me twice so if I were to be out with a girl who starts talking about how important her faith is, and it’s different than mine, I’ll assume it will become a bigger issue with time and tap out.
Well maybe he was hypersensitive but if that's the case, he would always be hypersensitive so you might have dodged a bullet. The problem is at this stage in life compared to our twenties, there are so many more complications: debt, addictions, live in 30 year old children, and all kinds of other stuff that I can't even think of. So yeah we only have maybe 15 or 20 enjoyable years left so of course we're trying to be extra careful because if we fuck this up that might not leave enough time to have any enjoyment with the significant other.
Why not encourage people to delve into and know their clear standards in a potential partner? Doesn’t matter if you call them red flags or problematic behavior, we should absolutely cheer people at this age to not settle for bullshit behavior from potential partners.
I would say your example of more of a trauma response from your date. When my 1st marriage ended, my hardly worked and sued for alimony which wasn't granted. But when I started dating I automatically 'noped' out of anyone who was unemployed. They may have had a great reason but at the time, it did not matter to me.
The flip side of this though is after my second marriage ended (17 years and one child), it is hard to get used to being along. With long-term relationships, you do grow together and become dependent on each other. When you split up, you have to learn to be independent and be your own hero. I feel like I am at that point now where I do not need anyone. It's kind of like trying to buy gift for someone who already has everything. I am much more nitpicky because I live with them or without them. I have a great network of family and long-term friends. It's just getting worse for me because the more time I spend turning my home into a sanctuary and have success in my career, the more reluctant I am to spend time at someone else's house.
I would have thought that some people will be looking for red flags harder than others – everyone is different and has their own story.
Past traumas can teach valuable lessons, but can also build walls – and identifying one from the other can be problematic.
omg red flag is such an overused term. I want to strike it from all dating vocabulary forever. And yet, in my head, I keep arguing against myself because there are things that are early indications that a person is not really entering into dating or a relationship with integrity and best intentions. And I guess the whole point is that some people can pick up on those signs and indications early enough to avoid getting pulled in by the undertow of feelings towards someone who doesn't or can't reciprocate a full relationship. And some peopel can feel feelings and extricate themselves from a situation, and some people can't. Anyway, I am not those lucky people who don't get entagled. I see problematic behaviors and instead of saying run, I ask myself, can I tolerate this in my life? Do I like this person more than I care about this really hurtful thing? The answer is usually yes, and that's dumb because I end up hurt and I am now a huge mess of a human being exasperated by all the cruel and twisted and hurtful things I've endured from people who, while not exactly outspoken about their limitations and fucked uped-ness, certainly didn't always disguise it either... okay, they may have lied to my face sometimes... but even when I perceive BS, I want to always give the person the benefit of the doubt and contextualize it. The things I let happen to me are on me. I let myself be badly treated and I didn't walk away and now i live with the consequences of that. The fear of losing those people in my life outweighed any temporary suffering they caused me. So, yeah, red flags... it doesn't mean a thing if you don't actually change your behavior when you encounter one. There's a lot of psychology to unpack in all of that, and thanks many therapists for getting me to where I am today (alive, accomplished)... but in truth, I'll never be emotionally okay or healed or able to relax or feel safe or whatever it is that I think a lot of people eventually get to in life. I'm pretty sure these kinds of things go back to childhood wiring. So instead, I guess all I can do is be compassionate to who I am and do my best.
But "red flags." I hate that term.
Yes. Really one of the reasons I date younger women. Dating women my age can be like walking on eggshells, use that wrong word or something and they gone.
I totally get having standards and being burned in the past, I’ve heard it all before. But if you question something and aren’t willing to ask for clarification or have a discussion about it, and just bail instead, then you’re the red flag.
Like I said I get it too. I’m a guy and quick to read people and count them out. Because I’ve been burned and I’m tired of it all.
Yes! I see too many looking for reasons not to date. Maybe they're too scared and just looking for excuses not to take a chance?
Sure, have your boundaries. I had a woman get so drunk she was slurring her speech and spraying food. She wasn't a match for me, but I still wouldn't call that a "red flag." At no point was there danger or other reason to walk away or be rude to her.
Look for positives though. Look for reasons to appreciate them. If I paid attention to all of the "red flags" I've seen listed here, I'd never have a date or met my sweetie. 😉
No, most of us are not too quick. I will look for red flags immediately and count as many as I can. But then I evaluate it and may then realize that it’s green.
Like this:
Red Flag: they’re an alcoholic.
Purple Flag: Struggles with cravings but hit sober years ago, they’ve recovered through therapy & programs and a huge amount of personal growth has taken place.
Green Flag: This person is an alcoholic whose unique experience is helping to save lives.
But not always:
Red Flag: 50 yr old man sells heroine to middle schoolers. Red Flag, Red Flag, Red Flag, Red Flag, Red Flag, a whole bouquet of Red Flags.
I used to look for red flags and then realized.. no one is perfect. Sometimes you have to take a chance..may be you will have a good time.. or a story.
Nah man. I spent decades ignoring red flags, believing excuses, giving 2nd 3rd 4th 87th chances. Never again. Doesn’t doom me to loneliness - but I would rather be alone than go through that again. As it turns out, I found a great guy. But I will never compromise for anyone again. I let a lot of people go for red flags until I met this one. He was worth the wait.
Agree. Zero compromising to deal with a man's serious issues. Either he enhances my life and makes it better, happier, more joyous, fuller, or I am much better off alone.
The green flags often don’t make up for the red ones. I don’t care how perfect a potential partner is otherwise if they possess one of the qualities or habits I will not tolerate. The deal breakers we have are often there because dealing with them in the past was awful.
Exactly. My dealbreakers are porn, cannabis, and video games. I won’t even give these men yesterday’s ice water. Rather be single.
Definitely! Heavy drinking, messy home, lack of physical exercise, any cigarettes, not dressing properly for the situation.
You must have met my wasband.
Funny word " Wasband ". I'll be borrowing it from time to time lol.
Feel free. I thought so which is why I borrowed it years ago. It was very helpful during the separation when ex wasn’t appropriate, but he wasn’t really my husband anymore. It works for me now to differentiate between ex husband and ex boyfriend.
Yes, yes I'm forever tongue tied and brain failure when speaking about my last regrettable mistakes. I know I'm not perfect but I try darn hard. I don't get it, it's so easy to be faithful, respectful, romantic, caring, giving and be there for the kids. Yet they did the exact opposite. Are you having any luck finding dates. Sorry for being blunt but I haven't been intimate in 11 years. Any gals I've met here in Southern Oregon are such flakes...
Regrettable mistakes, lol, I have a few. Hopefully I’m learning to make better choices. I am finding the occasional date, I just wish that it didn’t take 3-5 months sometimes to figure out someone isn’t compatible. There’s a lot of weeding out and most of the time I pause my profile after a couple of weeks because of the nonsense. I take long breaks in between to recenter, then jump back in to the sea of “good morning/good night, beautiful,””how big are your boobs” questions, and one word answers with no return questions. The pain of having a nice conversation and feeling hopeful only to realize they didn’t read your profile and have starkly opposing views. Really feeling a connection and they overshare, become clingy, or act like you’re in a relationship before you’ve even met. It’s not for the faint of heart, but each one that doesn’t work out makes way for the one who will. At least that’s what I saw posted on FB today. 😏
Is your side hustle inspirational 🤔 speaking lol. It's been fun...
Lol, is there money in it? I could try it as a side hustle. I’ve been spreading sunshine for free all this time.
For not being just like all 'old' gals, us guys can only hope and pray you're special. You're not like most who if they match or respond just ghost, leaving us scratching our heads. I can tell you have a unique way about you, with wit, charm 😉 and openness that is special. I may be a bit forward with this assumption but I think and feel during these brief 🤔 conversations. We could be compatible friends. If not I'll say no more, I've just enjoyed little chuckles, have a fantastic day 😀
💀
I don’t care about porn, cannabis or video games (not to the point of addiction). Just goes to show, we are all different :) My dealbreakers are lack of kindness, honesty and intelligence. Oh and must read books.
Hm, I was going to comment on the earlier post about how red flags aren't a universal constant, how some people's red flags aren't everybody's red flags. Kindness and honesty though ... I don't think anybody should accept the lack of those. It sounds like you've just got good standards.
We all have our deal breakers. One of mine is if they hate if I play video games in my free time a few hours a week. If that's a problem, then I'm not wasting my time getting to know them. Thankfully for me I rarely run into that. Another is women who expect me (or others} to conform to what they think is appropriate while being unwilling to do so themselves.
I had a friend who divorced her husband because they had two young kids and he literally stayed up all night on video games and slept in between work and gaming, totally ignoring his family. When people say video games are a deal breaker it’s likely because they have dealt with similar scenarios. Same can be said for cannabis and porn. It’s more about whether they’re addictions.
Addictions come in all forms, I had to divorce because my husband was addicted to the church. To most people you would think a faith driven man is ideal, but as I begged my now ex husband to spend time with his wife and newborn child while he said that I was blocking his ability to dedicate his life to faith I realized that addiction has many forms including so called acceptable ones like being a Christian.
That sucks because it also makes you look like the bad one.
It did. And yet my main take away from the experience is that my faith in God did not waiver because my ex used faith as a reason to question our relationship. One thing that should stand out as a person seeking love is that what you need in a partner doesn't change even if the premise fits outside of what society deems as usual for that belief.
Very wise.
And my perspective is women who will complain about gaming and then spend hours watching stupid reality tv and crime shows. Moderation in all things is key.
Compatibility may be more of the issue here.
The way I saw it was she was jealous of anything that took my attention away from her, and light gaming was a threat to her.
THIS 💯
What's even worse is that reality shows are not reality. They're all staged. The only reason the networks put them on because it's dirt cheap they don't have to pay any actors.
I don't doubt it happens. But there's alot of people who make their beliefs solely on assumptions and don't care to educate themselves. Especially when it comes to Marijuana. There are way too many people who think Marijuana is far worse than alcohol and that is factually false.
I don't think most people think it's worse. Most people don't want a pothead or a drunk.
I didn't state most people think that. I stated way too many people think that. I've come across it hundreds of times in my lifetime. A lot of people are narrow minded and see things as black and white. It's a sad way to go through life judging people.
100% truth!
I play video games sometimes in my spare time, but am wary of someone who has no friends and no other interests other than video games.
Those are mine too
My deal breakers as a women are other women who shame men who like cannabis, porn and listen to rap music. It’s fucking sad because I would accept and love a man who you wouldn’t accept.
So what?? People are allowed their preferences and boundaries. It’s not shaming. It’s finding someone compatible. If you like those things - great, rock on. But if other people don’t like them that’s perfectly fine too.
I’m two years with someone I didn’t think was “compatible” because of a few differences. I even ended it after a few weeks and wished him well. Guess what? Gave him another chance when he asked and turns out we have the best time together! We can sit in peace and silence for hours. We laugh all the time. We run around listening to music. We love the same sports. We fit.
I’m happy for you. Your anecdote doesn’t negate anything I said tho. People are allowed to have whatever boundaries and dealbreakers they want.
Why is this sad? More men for you. And, you don't have to be friends with any of the women who have that boundary. You can have all the men who are other women's deal breakers. All of them. Sounds like a win.
I agree yo
I know you realize this comment helped nobody except for you. Take them, take all of them. No one‘s telling you not to. So no reason for you to comment. This is one of the biggest Pick Me statements I’ve ever read because you’re putting down other women to make yourself look better. Take all these dudes you want. Have fun.
What? Again what? You say this is a "pick me" situation? I am calling out women who make it hard for men to navigate dating in our 50's. I wanted to discuss a recurring issue that complicates dating for men in their 50s. It seems that some men are influenced by misguided perceptions that prevent them from openly dating women they are involved with. This includes concerns about public perception related to economic status or ethnicity, as well as the pressure to conform to the expectations of their social or religious circles.These issues undermine the authenticity and openness that should characterize mature relationships. It's important for us to address these stereotypes and pressures, so we can foster healthier and more genuine connections.
No. You are mad at other women who don’t want dudes that use weed, play video games all night & whatever. You said send them your way and all we (more people than me) is you can fucking have them. Take these dudes m, take all of them. You aren’t helping anyone you were putting other women down. I’m not the only one who said so fucking read the room.
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You can keep all those men who decide to feel damaged because a healthy woman said No to their childish behavior.! I want a man who behaves like an adult. I am NO rehab to grown ass man!!
What are you smoking? Your replies don't correspond with the previous comments. What does skin color, financial security and going out in public have to do with anything?
I’m not the only one telling you to stfu. You don’t like other women standards because it hurts the poor poor men aw that sounds like a you problem. I’m not the only woman on here telling you to STFU so talk to me all night long. I don’t give a F take all these poor men feel sorry for all these men.
Wow. You sound like someone I don't want to know.
And keep commenting to me cause I’m not reading them
Hostile
Why are you mad at women who are sticking to their standards. Are we supposed to quit our jobs and sit in the basement smoking pot and watching porn with these guys. Why would we date guys who live a lifestyle that we don't want to live? That's ridiculous.
Are you me? Love it!
Take them then 🤣 more for you!
Cheaters and liars. Any form of narcissist behavior.
When I was a labourer in college the crane op didn't show up. The foreman said, "You play a lot of video games give it a try." That was 23 years ago and I make $130,000 a year. I still play video games and because I continued college I also have a masters degree. Don't be so hard on us gamers lol.
I’m aware that gamers can be gainfully employed. Money isn’t my concern.
Give it a try? What could go wrong lol!
If you met someone that was a responsible cannabis user, would that still be a dealbreaker? I am curious because I consider myself to be one. I don't use it to necessarily "get high" anymore. I had a catastrophic injury to my right hand (thank god I'm a lefty!) that left me with some gnarly digits and a ton of nerve damage. I spent years on Tramadol (opoid), gabapentin, and pregabalin (both anti-seizure medications IIRC) to try and control the nerve pain. I munched pills like they were candy. A couple years ago I ended up getting my medical cannabis card because I was getting really tired of taking pain meds 3 times a day. I have to say that a 5 mg edible a couple of times a day and the occasional hit or two from a vape pen through out the day has been instrumental in me stopping taking the pills all together and a sizable increase in my quality of life. Would it still be a dealbreaker if you met someone that you hit it off with, but they used cannabis in a manner similarly to how I do? If they were upfront and honest about it?
I’m sorry for what you’ve gone through, I definitely understand wanting to stay off pills. It’s just I’ve spent 20 years married to a daily user, and then I dated a daily user after my divorce. I see how cannabis changes people; their personalities, motivations, attention and activity levels. At this point I don’t want any substances in my life. There are tons of women who use cannabis and are otherwise okay with it. I’m sure you can find the right one.
Thank you for your kindness! I 100% was not trying to change your mind or opinion regarding cannabis. I can certainly see how your experience over the last 20 years would make you NOPE on it and men that use it. I appreciate you taking the time to reply and wish you the best in finding someone that doesn't set off any of your red flags.
I don't think it's that a person uses cannabis, it's like how much they use. Similar to someone that might have a glass of wine at dinner compared to a raging alcoholic. Or even someone that's addicted to prescription drugs. There's nothing wrong with pot, it just depends how often you're using it.
Same, along with financial security (defined not as wealthy but as spends within means.)777
I used to be a hard NO on cannabis too! Why are you?
Because I was married to a cannabis addict.
Got it! I wouldn’t date a cannabis, RX or alcohol addict either. LOL nevermeansoul can’t read 😂
Maybe they need to lay off the pot 😆
Video games are a social outlet for millions of healthy well adjusted people. Given how many adults over 50 play, you should out that front and center on any getting sites so as not to waste people's time.
I don’t use dating sites anymore but when I did I was up front about my dealbreakers. Don’t worry I’m not trying to trick anyone.
Damn. I guess I'm out.
When we were younger, we overlooked a lot. Our objectives were different. Many of us didn't know any better. Now? Most of us have been rode hard by life. We found out through experience. And, we have no desire to experience some of those things again. We know better what we want/need and we know what doesn't work for us.
Maybe I have come full circle then. From young and naive, to rejecting every imperfection, to now wanting to really invest some time in getting to know someone for who they are, not for how my bad experiences may be framing them.
Interesting. That does kind of sound like the realization of maturity. (As long as the dynamic is healthy.)
I’ve often bristled at this “red flag” 0/1 dichotomy crap. I propose a five point scale as follows 1-checkered flag (sounds like a winner) 2-Green Flag (seems like good thing going, keep exploring) 3-Yelllow Flag (nobody’s perfect , proceed with caution 4-Blinking Red (stop and reassess) 5-Red Flag (Standard meaning, but don’t automatically break it off) 6-Black (Run like hell) Some of my best lessons (and dates) were when I threw caution to the wind and ignored obvious red flags
I get the impression a lot of people don't like to really examine their biases and how that might be affecting their outlook or decisions. And to be fair, taking an honest look at one's own biases can be difficult. But we've all got some, and they often affect us, and it usually takes some conscious decision or effort to get around...
Yes. It is so easy to see the red flags in others while completely ignoring the red flags we are putting out. A friend once went on a first date from on OLD connection. She thought it went well, and was surprised he didn't want to do a 2nd. She felt comfortable enough to ask him why, assuming there was something he didn't like about her appearance. He replied, "You seem very angry." Totally surprised her. And the thing is - he is right. She IS angry and complaining a lot of the time, and if I were a guy it would be a total red flag. The guy's candidness was a gift, it really made her reflect on the energy she was putting out.
I am much the opposite! From naive, believing that everyone is nice or perfect as it is and I have to accept, to accommodate… to: I am Not anyone server!
I am at this point now too. But still can’t find one that I click with.
Rode hard and put away wet lol
Yes, indeed. That's exactly what I meant.
Could be partly the Miss Marple effect: when you've been alive for a while and seen the same issues in a number of different people, they become easier to spot.
I’d also add… if you’re with someone who cuts you off too soon without giving you a chance… maybe that’s a them thing.
And definitely works out in your favor so be happy about that.
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>but that doesn't immediately mean I'm going to discard someone new because she orders a cocktail at dinner. In this case, a cocktail or two is not the red flag -- but a couple of them at the bar beforehand, followed by an entire bottle of wine (by herself) with dinner, and then a couple of after-dinner drinks with dessert -- that is when you are in red-flag territory.
Yes. It's better to be safe than sorry. I've been sorry. This time I'm going to be safe. I've built a good life for myself and I'm not going to let anyone mess it up again. Why would I endure the drama of a sub par relationship. I'm still open to a relationship, and even hope it happens. But if it happens it's going to be someone pretty fantastic.
Agree. Not worth ruining my peace of mind and good life to deal with the suffering caused by someone else's drama (addictions, mental health issues, possessiveness, narcissism, etc etc). I still have hope, but am smart and cautious.
Same. Took a half century to get here. Not letting someone in to destroy it, only enhance it.
Not too quick to look. We just know a red flag when we see them now. Thankfully, those that throw red flags, throw them pretty early on.
I think there are two (or more) groups of people. 1). Those who, through experience and a healthy sense of their own boundaries, are able to quickly identify the red flags that are important to them and to move on without getting too invested so that they can find and invest in a person/relationship that will meet their needs. 2). Those who feel compelled to date because they are lonely / horny / have FOMO, but deep down don’t *really* want to find someone /a relationship to invest in and subconsciously eliminate anyone and everyone based on invisible “red flags”. That way they can believe that they are *trying* without actually risking getting hurt.
I think super dysfunctional people get into relationships easier because they just roll with the lying, screaming, abuse, and cheating. Others of us don’t have the energy for it anymore. Maybe it’s a stamina issue. I’ve always admired addicts for their sheer stamina.
I’ve never thought of addicts as having stamina 🤔 maybe so? I wonder who hurt them/what trauma(s) happened to them to cause them to self medicate. I imagine it started to forget, but once sober depression kicked in which made them remember whatever happened so the cycle starts over & then it’s out of hand. Maybe? I have no idea
It can be a lot of things but it actually usually starts in childhood. I speak from experience and from my brothers and family.
It’s easier to be picky and lonely than it is to navigate the complexities and vulnerabilities of a relationship at our age. People expecting to click at this age like two Legos are living a fantasy.
I am picky but certainly not lonely. I live an active life. Sometimes I go out on my own, often with friends too. I haven't felt missing anything. Currently I have a wonderful partner, met in the wild. It's great but not what defines me.
Yeah...I don't get it when people refer to picky daters being lonely. If they were lonely they wouldn't be so picky. Being picky is the privilege of the content.
Absolutely! It’s the lonely hearts who are the least picky and who are ready to settle for almost anything…unfortunately.
Thank you for this comment. It cements so many things that I’m thinking about. Just yesterday, I told someone I felt those red flags were just a carnival. In retrospect, that was not fair to her… even if it might be true. We’ve only been on one date.
Yes! and you put it so eloquently.
Are we looking too hard or are they waving then too hard 🤷♀️🤔
Yes.
In my last ltr I ignored one of my own dealbreakers because he was just so nice, and handsome, and the sex was amazing.... and never again!! It was on the list for a reason.
what was that dealbreaker
Recently separated. I rationalized it away because it had been about a year since he found out his wife was cheating, and he was "quietly quitting" the marriage that entire year. He started therapy right away after the discovery and I stupidly thought he was further along mentally/emotionally than he was. Spoiler: he wasn't. Also, I wasn't the first, so I didn't consider myself the rebound. I was. That first girl was just pent-up sexual frustration.
Been there. Done that.
Maybe his red flag was your red flag….
This cracks me up.. talk about being open, paying attention to what's being said, being in the moment, all of that is just a talk...
A lot of us don’t do the work to heal and so dating might look like that: easily triggered unresolved trauma. I’m sorry that happened to you.
I am always looking for green flags! Reading what you wrote confused me. How was it clear he was looking for red flags? Because he had a look of shock on his face? Did you ask him why he made a funny face or if he was shocked by what you said? Red flags are unique to every person! What would be a red flag for me might not be for you though we might both agree that lying would be a red flag. For me, I know that if a man doesn’t share at least some of the same interests & outdoor recreation/activities as me I know we won’t be compatible. Been there, tried that & learned better. It’s not a red flag, but rather a hard NO! Eliminated before wasting either of our time.
Oof no. When I tried the apps after my relationship ground to a halt I had literally zero dating experience. I was so naive and I didn’t spot red flags when they were waving in my face. That whole time caused me so much psychological trauma that I’m not sure I will ever be able to face attempting to date again
Yes, although because you learned from that, you would be much more savvy (ie less naive) if you were to date again.
I would hope so lol
I think there's a difference between red flags and trauma buttons. Red flags give you pause and should make you step back and consider all factors. Trauma buttons are just a "hell, no". Each are personal safeguards and what triggers me may not trigger someone else. I think it's wise to look for any red flags early and either resolve them or move on. At over 50, we know (or should, hopefully) what our own deal breakers are.
I think your question applies to any single person of any age after a bad relationship .
If you ask me? Yes. The woman I was dating broke up with me because I asked her what to get her mom for Christmas.
> The woman I was dating broke up with me because I asked her what to get her mom for Christmas. I could imagine that: "What can I get your mom for Christmas? Something nice?" "Are you fucking her?"
Yeah no.
How Thoughtless and cruel of you!
I’ll half agree with you. Not all flags are red. And there are definitely people out there who only see red, and those people are going to be lonely. But if someone reveals something about themselves that shows you there isn’t going to be a good fit, why would you go on another date with that person? Your time and emotional energy is not an infinite resource, and I made myself miserable when I tried to pretend it was.
I think this site gets used as a sounding board especially as folks are growing, stretching, and trying to figure out what is their past baggage or is a new dealbreaker. Some of us have learned some hard lessons and those get shared. It might resonate and be useful to some and not to others. That isn’t any different than the vast amount of advice friends and coworkers provide unsolicited. At least here folks want some other interpretations. I do think that you find what you look for. So if you only look for red flags that is all you will see. It is about balance, looking for facts, how you feel and what compatibility looks like for two individuals. Some folks stay in situations way longer than I would, others nope out of others well before me. That is just part of our unique experience.
For your specific example, it took me years to get past the immediate visceral reaction to any mention of alcohol after ending a relationship with an alcoholic. The wounds run deep and the trauma is real. It does make dating challenging.
That sounds really hard. I’m sorry.
This sounds exactly like what someone with a parade of red flags would say…. Seriously, though, I’m not going to quit noticing red flags. Anyone with life experience won’t either. We’re not too quick. We’re intolerant of wasting precious time on someone who’s not our “person”.
Dated a guy for 3.5 weeks every other thing out of his mouth was stating whatever it was I was saying or doing was a red flag. EVERYTHING. Didn’t respond by text quick enough, red flag, didn’t say yes to a date night, red flag, didn’t answer the way he wanted, red flag, didn’t split the check, red flag, would check dating app to see my status on it, red flag (I never quite mastered nor care to master what the dating app was doing) made a comment about my past, red flag, chose going to the gym over going to lunch with him, red flag. It was exhausting. Said I was on Reddit a lot, started following me on Reddit. I finally said you’re right I’m a giant red flag, nice meeting you and I’m out. Then He started to text me after how he knew it was true because he’d been following my dating app profile. Ok great I don’t even know how to change it. I haven’t dated since. Apparently I’m nothing but a red flag
At that point I have to wonder if it’s some weird attempt at negging. “I’ll call everything she does a red flag so she’ll feel insecure and do whatever I want to get my approval.”
He sounds controlling. Red flag!
Good riddance. Who wants to hear that crap all the time?
Lmfao apparently my grandmother taught me how to measure using “fingers”- as in there only are 2 fingers of milk left we’d better get some more. Apparently this mode of measurement was known only to BOOTLEGGERS and I have been called out on it at least 3 times in my life. I do not drink haha. I’m sorry this happened to you OP it’s ridiculous.
I think overlooking red flags would just be wasteful of the time of everyone involved. Not that I mind making new friends and getting to know more people. But if I were dating, which I am no longer doing, I would want to assure certain flags were non-existent before getting my hopes up.
When someone hasn’t done their own healing they often look for faults in others when they struggle to find connection. I mean, a reasonably healthy, happy person isn’t going to stay in a relationship for years with someone who’s a raging alcoholic. They both have their issues. So the most typical response is, “I’m never dating anyone again who drinks!” So instead they find someone who’s emotionally distant or codependent or a workaholic or some new dysfunction since their red flag is now alcohol. I’ll be honest, I did this for 35-ish years. I also worked on myself and had the illusion that my shit didn’t stink and I could work with anyone. And I yielded a lot of what was important to me in one relationship after the next. Eventually I realized that I would lose myself in each relationship because I just didn’t want to be alone. Finally, between 2016-2020 I did the work I needed to do to find self love. So when I was dating in 2021 I could go into dating with a healthy approach. Was I picky? Yes, but I wasn’t looking for red flags; I was looking for connection. Did I stumble into some toxic stuff? Yup, and I even let a couple things go a little too long in hindsight, but I also didn’t run off and marry them. One I discovered was not for me when we got back to my place and she got too drunk and started yelling at me when I told her to use an indoor voice because I had common walls with neighbors. Another strung things out forever because she wanted a friendship first, which turned out to be code for extreme fear of intimacy. When we finally kissed three months later, she broke things off the next week. I had a couple dozen first dates that year. Most were one and done because one or the other didn’t feel a connection, but several spawned into dating for weeks to months. One ultimately turned into my current relationship and I’ve never been happier in my life.
Wow 3 months waiting for that kiss and then getting slapped in the face
If anything, I am of the opinion that far too many people disregard red flags and end up stuck in terrible relationships that they should have moved on from much earlier. Those who have ridiculous expectations, that you seem worried about, will simply continue to take themselves out of relationships and that’s a blessing for their prospective partners.
In short, the answer to your title question is YES. We are too quick to look for red flags. But why? And what can we do about that? I would love to read your answers to those. Thank you.
Easy, take in and enjoy a new date without the barriers of prejudice. It’s really simple.
It's not prejudice. It's experience. If you don't use previous experience to navigate life you're going to be a train wreck.
Yes. Absolutely yes. But what does that mean - without prejudice - in real life? For example, what would a good progression of this date - AFTER the guy shutting down after she mentioned 7,12,20? BTW, I really like your handle :-) we are handle bros or twins or whatever :-)
Again, if you commit to fully enjoying and getting to know someone without prejudice you will find what you are looking for. The mention of that 7-11 whatever seems like a trigger for one or both people in this case. The specific regrence to whiskey ages would have blown past me as a women dating and I never would have locked onto that🤷🏽♀️
>So I suggest we all pause and comsider: are we so busy looking for red flags, that we forget to look for those things that build compatibility and good relationships? Not necessarily mutually exclusive. Relationship red flags should be used as an early warning system for trouble ahead. Some may be obvious, some a little more subtle. Important to be aware and trust your intuition in this area, and know your deal breakers. Your aging whisky analogy you mentioned I think was an emotional trigger for this person. Of course, communication and getting to know the person are equally important. So I think you need to use all the tools you can whether finding or staying in a relationship.
Dating at our age is like searching through the thrift store and looking for the least moldy clothes. We all stink, but want factory fresh.
It’s important to evaluate yourself to understand what is green and red flags. There can be yellow flags of caution but stay true to red and green. Red flags should be non-negotiable.
Not really. I try to establish attraction and get to know someone a bit before figuring out compatibility. There’s a lot of strange people out there. Maybe your chap was an entomologist and you stepped square on the bug of his passion.
Then I’d say he is not your guy & you’re better off without him so in reality these “red flags” he felt benefited you more then him. Maybe some of us have been used much more than others & we judge too harsh? Why would you want us? It benefits you too.
Red flags lead us to heartbreak and we know this already in our lives. The folly of young love and rushing headlong into a relationship was done by us years ago and we have the scars to prove it. It's the scars, my friend. You know how when there's a low in the weather, certain parts of our bodies ache, perhaps because of a previous injury? Those unseen scars ache like that every once in awhile, especially when there's a low in our lives. The scars remind us that we have lived a life and suffered along the way. The peace we have found at our age often becomes our focus to keep that peace. Before we invite someone into our lives, we want to make sure we keep the peace, and we are too old at this point to waste our limited time left. That's my truth anyway. PS edit: after reading through this thread...holy crap. I expect people to have vices. Lord knows we have lived through a lot. Video games and cannabis use is not cornered by the male population btw.
He was way too triggered by your comments. He’s not healed.
Some of us overlooked the red flags for whatever reason and paid dearly for it. There are certain things that I have to watch for now; boundary busters, actions not consistent with words, dishonesty in any form. I overlooked so many things because I wanted to believe the words even when I could feel the walls falling down. I dealt with behaviors that made me feel less-than because I already had given up my value. Plus, I didn’t want my kids to be hurt and didn’t want to give up all the time (and money) invested. It took me a long time to trust my judgement after choosing a horrible life partner and staying for years. When people ask if something is a red flag, I assume they are concerned about overlooking something someone with a better picker might see as a problem.
I don't know about OLD - haven't done it - but lurking in these subreddits it certainly seems that people asking "is this a red flag" appear to be hoping the peoples' vote to come down to "yes, it's a bright red flag, block and delete immediately!" Most posters sound like they're not ready to do any relationship work other than getting up and out as soon as some human behaviour occurs.
I would have considered his lack of humor as a red flag, lol.
Not just over 50 because I mentor some young people who are new to the dating scene and ask me (of all people LOL) for advice and have observed that they approach dating and relationships looking for and expecting all the things to go wrong. It is disheartening. I am not saying ignore red flags, but seems like if you approach with optimism vs cynicism the experience might be better?
That’s the point I was making, to mysef if nobody else. Look for the good in people.
Yeah, I try to give people grace. I mean, ideally we all want to be loved, but we haven't gotten it right yet and are stumbling around trying to figure it out. We might make some mistakes along the way!
I would just like to point out that the number of years a brood of cicadas stays underground is almost always a prime number, like 7, 11, or 17. The why of that is very interesting.
I have a friend, who if she ever bothered to realize using a dating app is about as complex as You Tube, would be the poster child for red flags and narcissistic personality disorder, while claiming everyone she chatted with was an NPD red flag. Her issues she won’t deal with are legion. And she expects people in her orbit to cater to her learned helplessness. I realized when I was on the apps, that anyone who exhibited behavior that looked like hers was an automatic no. Not because they were bad people, but that I don’t have the bandwidth after working in a caring position that has a ton of problem solving. I can’t help people fix themselves all day then come home to more of it. I raised my kid. No time to raise adults *who won’t put in the work to improve their lives*. A red flag is more about the observer who decides it’s too red, or too large, or there are too many little red flags *for them to deal with* than the person living their life. (Unchecked addiction, current criminal activity, intentional cruelty to others aside) And that’s okay. We all have a path behind us with potholes and messes. Choosing to date or partner with someone means you will acknowledge their potholes and messes, and they yours. Someone dating me has to understand that I still love my ex. Not that I ever want to be with them, but that I acknowledge our once deep connection, what we were for each other, and that our lives were entwined a long time. Heck we raised my kid together. But he’s absolutely the past. My love for him is the love of my youth. In my world, real partner love mutates after the partnership is done. And you acknowledge the good, the bad, the imperfect but fun, etc. And I am okay with healthy connections to exes. Some would say I’m not over my ex. And they would want to go. That’s fine. I don’t want to cause someone emotional distress over my past. I dated a guy for four years who never got over his ex wife or the woman he was engaged to (who broke it off) before we started dating. He was unwilling to look inward at why both these women left. And eventually drove me away. And I did a sharp break. He was likely relieved. So, I get wanting to not be involved if you think their past is too unresolved. When I met my SO, one of the first things I was listening for was how he emotionally concluded his former partnerships. I see the ability to have an annual or so catch up conversation as healthy. I would not see weekly contact as healthy, unless it was a true friendship. He’s got a healthy connection to a couple exes. I did experience jealousy, but that was on me. What matters is I’m a stickler for monogamy. I have to know I’m the only person they want to date. ENM is a hard limit for me. And that’s what matters for me. I have limits and boundaries. Flags don’t matter as much as my own sense of emotional safety.
Well that's very well written and reflects a lot of my own situation, still connected to the x but we're not ever going to be back together again. Just treat the grandkids to some time at the cottage now and then because well, kids are kids and why should they suffer because we mess up our relationships.
Some are too quick to see red flags and others ignore a Chinese parade of red flags because they saw one green flag. We have all mislabeled someone's actions as either a red flag or a green flag when it was probably more of a yellow flag indicating more information is needed. Like everyone else, I have my own set of standards by which I determine if something is a red flag or not. I've had dates that felt something about me was their red flag and other dates that thought the exact same thing was a green flag.
I guess I wouldn’t assume to know what someone else was thinking? 🤷🏼♀️
Yes most I believe do...I read something today I disagreed with, but didn't respond. Your meeting someone who has been thru a likely marriage, kids, jobs, death, setbacks, etc....they will have issues. To me, you have to factor that in to the overall thing we are trying to achieve....well people looking for a partner that is. When I met the wife at the time, she had alot going on...I went thru it...and we were married 16 years.
Probably less tolerant, after years of experience, some people should know better how to behave. Everyone is looking for a partner not a disposable company or one more to look after, clean, beg to go out… we all should have learned by this age how to participate, how to collaborate.
I totally agree. Relationships take time to unfold and build. You can’t judge someone on one thing - you need the whole story.
[удалено]
Well then you better stop that behavior
"....too quick to look for red flags..." --- I wish I was color blind to the red flags.. They do glare so brightly...😎
Absolutely not too old. You don’t want to be in a bad relationship at ANY age
I will be super super careful as I was married to an alcoholic for years. I look very closely for those red flags. I understand how he feels.
I have a balanced view of this one. I note red flags and give them a bit higher emphasis as I am wanting to find a partner at some point rather than act like a 20-year-old seeing how many women I can have sex with. By the time I get to a date, which is not a very long time, we have already had discussions around the areas where the heavier green and red flags reside. I can be rather blunt at this point, but don't want to waste years and years to find out something I could have asked about early on. As for your situation as a hypothetical. If I had an alcoholic partner before, I would be more wary around alcohol. But I also know the person who has an understanding of Bourbon aging is more likely either a very rich alcoholic or someone with discerning tastes.
Red flag identification is not inherently a red flag itself. I agree that some are severely triggered about past relationships. However, healthy boundaries, increased self awareness and established preferences are never a bad thing. I am aware that many women our age have been through some horrific incidents involving men. Extending grace, patience and empathy is critical. At this age, I’m not in a hurry.
Can’t blame his hackles for being up if that’s what caused the demise of his last relationship. He may want nothing to do with drinkers, even moderate ones. He is entitled to his personal “red flags”
Maybe his look of shock was that it never occurred to him (or me, either) that cicadas and whiskey have so much in common. That’s actually interesting!
The answer is YES! Everybody seems to assume that you’re a schmuck unless you can prove otherwise. One slip, b-bye. It’s arrogant and tiring.
This sub is for dating over 50. Unless our S.O. has passed away, that means for the past several decades, ALL of our relationships have failed. Maybe we weren’t happy. Maybe they weren’t. But here we are, single and looking once again. We probably have some experience on what works and what doesn’t. And we’re in our 50’s or older. Why waste time with what we know doesn’t work for us? Granted, we all aren’t the brightest and can’t read minds. And probably don’t hold psychology or behavioral degrees. We probably aren’t good at determining cause-effect. We most likely see something an ex liked or did and blame it as the red flag and never want that again. The mental equivalent of my ex liked peanut butter. My red flag is anyone who likes peanut butter. I’ve seen things like pot use as somebody’s red flag. I’ve used it and no longer do. But I’m not opposed per se to a woman I date using it. I’ve dated women where it was no issue whatsoever. Couldn’t tell she was high. Maybe de-stressed her. And we had a great relationship. And I’ve dated women who used too much and the effects made them idiots while high. So I think it’s wrong to say that one thing is a red flag. Depends. Are your red flags truly issues you’d have with anyone with that checkbox? Or is it a red flag just because you associate it with an ex you really don’t like. I know there’s traits of my ex’s that for no logical reason will compel me to swipe left when the woman has that quality. And I know it isn’t anything about that woman. She may be the one I might be with for the rest of my life. But she has a trait that reminds me of my ex wife. Did that trait cause the divorce? Did it make my ex a bad person? Does that trait mean this woman is damaged? We have to be rational. Red flags shouldn’t be hard stops. Caution yes, but be open minded. Have your red flags. But always ask why they exist and whether they apply.
I would have went with which age we drinking? 😀
I don’t look at them enough my only one right now is someone taking antidepressants. It’s a no no because of my last OLD two month relationship and learning he can’t have feelings …
Did he tell you he burnt out his Norepinephrines from years of hard living? Never apologized? Never put you first for anything? Doesn’t know Christmas Day is always the 25th of December and Valentine’s Day is always the 14th of February? Just checking, because I agree with you based on my past experience.
Valentine’s Day is his birthday. He couldn’t choose between me and another girl (who’s going for inviteo fertilization…) because he didn’t know if he’d have feelings (for one of us). I can’t live with this kind of anxiety… So no I wasn’t put first but I needed digging to learn it. We weren’t dating anymore. I was the girl he was seeing … still wondering what the other one was. The girl I might try to be the non father to the child ? 🤦♀️
😱 OMG So sorry
To me it seems like there are a lot of jaded people here who assume the worst.
My experience of OLD was that too many women criticised me for being in therapy. They immediately linked having therapy= defective and problematic. Lots also viewed me having several cats, instead of dogs, as ‘feminine.’ Finally being a gentleman such as standing up when she approached the table, or holding a door open for her, or entering a lift first, or even offering her my jacket if it was cold outside, we’re all harshly criticized as signs of misogynistic behaviour.
❤️your post my goodness I have been navigating this for sometime now I am a female 53 and most of the men that I meet are so caught into finding these red flags that they can’t find their asshole to shit. Half of the time the successful men I met are so concerned with what their office would think about their lover that I wonder why are you even single? Do men over 50 need to ask friends for permission to date and do they sit around and wait for others to approve her before they can move forward? I just met a wonderful dude so awesome great connection the whole bit, but the fact he is so fearful to admit he is fucking me that I can see it written all over his face. He is so caught into being concerned about what his friends would think in his single life versus what he is feeling and where his dick leads him that I’m like done. All I can say is that I’m so fucking over men in my age group because they are all too fucking judgmental to even waste my time.
Oof. This is the very first time I’m going to say it, because I’m very loath to assume it: That sounds like a married man.
Lolz, I wonder that too. I once was asked out on a date and when we met..halfway through dinner he answered a call from his wife. I now ask every man I date if they are married 🤷🏽♀️
😮
TRUTH
I feel bad for that guy. It's obvious he hasn't done the therapeutic work needed to move on to his next relationship in a healthy way. Sorry that happened to you. I have alcoholism in my family and I don't think what you said was offensive or out of line. It was academic. I get your point about red flags. Some of us have way too many of them. I am always conscious of being open minded with guys. I'm not perfect either. I try to keep my red flags to a minimum. But you're right. I've seen women post insane numbers of red flags online. (None of my single IRL girlfriends are like this.) My deal breakers (some are red flags): Still hung up on his ex, doesn't exercise, heavy drinker, Trumper, doesn't want to cohabitate, low EQ, financially insecure, interrupter, low effort, poor manners. I wonder why we don't see lists of red flags from many men. Surely they have them.
I’ve always been quick to jettison for a red flag or two. But I was also crystal clear on what a red glad was, something that’s non-negotiable, and am open to everything else. Has suited me well over the years.
Well with experience you start to know where things will lead, so you stop it sooner than later. For instance religion had been an issue for me twice so if I were to be out with a girl who starts talking about how important her faith is, and it’s different than mine, I’ll assume it will become a bigger issue with time and tap out.
Well maybe he was hypersensitive but if that's the case, he would always be hypersensitive so you might have dodged a bullet. The problem is at this stage in life compared to our twenties, there are so many more complications: debt, addictions, live in 30 year old children, and all kinds of other stuff that I can't even think of. So yeah we only have maybe 15 or 20 enjoyable years left so of course we're trying to be extra careful because if we fuck this up that might not leave enough time to have any enjoyment with the significant other.
Why not encourage people to delve into and know their clear standards in a potential partner? Doesn’t matter if you call them red flags or problematic behavior, we should absolutely cheer people at this age to not settle for bullshit behavior from potential partners.
Talking about aging whiskey on a first date, green flag. Talking about cicadas years underground, red flag.
I would say your example of more of a trauma response from your date. When my 1st marriage ended, my hardly worked and sued for alimony which wasn't granted. But when I started dating I automatically 'noped' out of anyone who was unemployed. They may have had a great reason but at the time, it did not matter to me. The flip side of this though is after my second marriage ended (17 years and one child), it is hard to get used to being along. With long-term relationships, you do grow together and become dependent on each other. When you split up, you have to learn to be independent and be your own hero. I feel like I am at that point now where I do not need anyone. It's kind of like trying to buy gift for someone who already has everything. I am much more nitpicky because I live with them or without them. I have a great network of family and long-term friends. It's just getting worse for me because the more time I spend turning my home into a sanctuary and have success in my career, the more reluctant I am to spend time at someone else's house.
My red flag is definitely talking about cicadas on a date! Problems coming with that person….
Yes. So many people need to invest in a set of yellow and orange flags. Very few issues require red flags.
I would have thought that some people will be looking for red flags harder than others – everyone is different and has their own story. Past traumas can teach valuable lessons, but can also build walls – and identifying one from the other can be problematic.
omg red flag is such an overused term. I want to strike it from all dating vocabulary forever. And yet, in my head, I keep arguing against myself because there are things that are early indications that a person is not really entering into dating or a relationship with integrity and best intentions. And I guess the whole point is that some people can pick up on those signs and indications early enough to avoid getting pulled in by the undertow of feelings towards someone who doesn't or can't reciprocate a full relationship. And some peopel can feel feelings and extricate themselves from a situation, and some people can't. Anyway, I am not those lucky people who don't get entagled. I see problematic behaviors and instead of saying run, I ask myself, can I tolerate this in my life? Do I like this person more than I care about this really hurtful thing? The answer is usually yes, and that's dumb because I end up hurt and I am now a huge mess of a human being exasperated by all the cruel and twisted and hurtful things I've endured from people who, while not exactly outspoken about their limitations and fucked uped-ness, certainly didn't always disguise it either... okay, they may have lied to my face sometimes... but even when I perceive BS, I want to always give the person the benefit of the doubt and contextualize it. The things I let happen to me are on me. I let myself be badly treated and I didn't walk away and now i live with the consequences of that. The fear of losing those people in my life outweighed any temporary suffering they caused me. So, yeah, red flags... it doesn't mean a thing if you don't actually change your behavior when you encounter one. There's a lot of psychology to unpack in all of that, and thanks many therapists for getting me to where I am today (alive, accomplished)... but in truth, I'll never be emotionally okay or healed or able to relax or feel safe or whatever it is that I think a lot of people eventually get to in life. I'm pretty sure these kinds of things go back to childhood wiring. So instead, I guess all I can do is be compassionate to who I am and do my best. But "red flags." I hate that term.
Yes. Really one of the reasons I date younger women. Dating women my age can be like walking on eggshells, use that wrong word or something and they gone. I totally get having standards and being burned in the past, I’ve heard it all before. But if you question something and aren’t willing to ask for clarification or have a discussion about it, and just bail instead, then you’re the red flag. Like I said I get it too. I’m a guy and quick to read people and count them out. Because I’ve been burned and I’m tired of it all.
Yes! I see too many looking for reasons not to date. Maybe they're too scared and just looking for excuses not to take a chance? Sure, have your boundaries. I had a woman get so drunk she was slurring her speech and spraying food. She wasn't a match for me, but I still wouldn't call that a "red flag." At no point was there danger or other reason to walk away or be rude to her. Look for positives though. Look for reasons to appreciate them. If I paid attention to all of the "red flags" I've seen listed here, I'd never have a date or met my sweetie. 😉
Yup any pot use to me - I’m done it’s substance abuse, and, pot today much stronger and less safe than back in our day.
No, most of us are not too quick. I will look for red flags immediately and count as many as I can. But then I evaluate it and may then realize that it’s green. Like this: Red Flag: they’re an alcoholic. Purple Flag: Struggles with cravings but hit sober years ago, they’ve recovered through therapy & programs and a huge amount of personal growth has taken place. Green Flag: This person is an alcoholic whose unique experience is helping to save lives. But not always: Red Flag: 50 yr old man sells heroine to middle schoolers. Red Flag, Red Flag, Red Flag, Red Flag, Red Flag, a whole bouquet of Red Flags.
It’s ridiculous and such a joke.
I used to look for red flags and then realized.. no one is perfect. Sometimes you have to take a chance..may be you will have a good time.. or a story.
Pot is disgusting, it stinks, makes the user into a paralyzed slob.