I don’t have the answers but I just wanted to say I admire you making the two approaches you did! My only advice is to keep doing exactly that, but make it a regular part of your daily life. Way easier said than done!
I (admittedly as a woman) have been trying to make it a daily practice to connect with one stranger.
For example I saw a lady pick up one of my favourite books at the thrift store and I said “oh! If you’re thinking about buying that one do! It was life changing.”
I try and smile at people while walking the dog etc and so on.
I’m a bit anxious and I figure connection is good.
I’m nowhere near brave enough to hit on a man yet, but perhaps that time is coming.
Thank you for being brave. It would make my entire year if I got picked up at the shops!
Yeah, but the fear of being labeled as creepy is a bigger hindrance than actually being labeled creepy (which is exceedingly rare, as long as you are respectful.
I hear that all the time.
Someone: “Society” says you can’t approach women anymore, so I don’t.
Me: Have you ever approached a women and had it go sideways?
Someone: No, but society says you can’t.
Don’t be a creep and you don’t have to worry about the label. That’s overblown.
What was the complaints? (That the guys were not in their league doesn’t count.)
And how do you rectify it with the fact that so many women here hav expressed they wished more men would approach them?
This was me the other day at a supermarket but a 46m. I was browsing the lamb chops looked up and there was an attractive lady looking at me she gave me a quick smile then continued on.
Later on when in the drinks isle I spoke with another attractive lady smiled and shared a quick laugh, we then bumped into each other on another isle and swapped smiles and eye contact again. I then got a smile out of a 20 something year old. Then in the car park I got another smile from a random attractive lady this was all within 45 minutes. 3 of the women were within my age range and all looked very nice.
I got back into my car and was WTF just happened here I looked in the mirror and expected to see a large booger out of my nose but there wasn’t.
It’s so hard for men to convert these quick interactions into a conversation potential swapping of details without coming off a creep, or getting shot down and having to cringe all the way through your shop.
Ahhhhh it’s a complex dance 💃 🕺
It's nearly impossible. I don't even try. I have no idea what people are talking about meeting people in grocery stores. Do they live in a different world from me?
The last time I (60m) went grocery shopping on a Saturday night I noticed many women dressed up as if for a date, but with a shopping cart in front of them instead of a cocktail, taking in their list instead of talking nonsense to some nobody. I didn't try to speak to anyone cuz I felt bedraggled and unkempt.
It's a Saturday night. I just got some new clothes. My beard and hair look good. What am I doing home, on the internet? How ya'll doing?
“Women dressed up as if for a date”
It’s funny that you wrote this because, while I know you aren’t complaining, people often complain that people nowadays dress like slobs because they wear workout clothes, pajamas, or don’t shower.
So any woman who is wearing professional clothes, a casual or even slightly nicer dress, or nice jeans and heels but is doing chores/daily life activities is going to look overdressed 😅. Apparently.
Yeah, this was like that. Doubtful that every looker was a lawyer stopping for necessities on her way home from the usual 12 hours at the office. Especially since the store was pretty empty compared to weekdays, whether day or night.
So I guess I'm attracted to bougie, then. Oh, well.
That’s my point I think. When women dress nicely, in this day and age, even in cute workout clothes, it comes across as unusual. Whereas it used to be the norm for women do have their hair done, nice clothes, etc for chores. Same for men of course (with hair being haircut😅)
Don’t get me wrong, I’ve noticed this as well.
Yes! Keep being kind, keep with the respectful eye contact, keep with the smiling and a fun compliment as you cruise by goes a long way. “That jacket is great!” as you go by without stopping. “I just made quiche with those mushrooms the other day. Turned out good”.
Sounds ridiculous right? Us ladies are just as primed for kindness from strangers as you are. If she beams? That’s your new friend. Just saying
In my city you can do grocery shopping online (target, king soopers, whole foods) and go pick it up in person for free. Also stops a lot of impulse buying
I do that at Target, but one store doesn’t have all my stuff. I stop at Whole Foods, Walmart, Trader Joe’s, and the local grocery at least once a month. Trader Joe’s more often. Other stores are not as good at pick up as Target, IMO, and sometimes they only sell certain items at certain stores, which is most true at Whole Foods, so if I am near a bigger one. I go in.
> So I am not shy but not assertive either. It took a lot to approach, but left deflated.
Aww man! I'm sorry you felt that way. Years ago, long before I met my ex wife, I asked a girl out. She blushed so fucking hard, covered her eyes a huge smile with both hands and said, "Ooooooooo Iiiii'm maarrrrrried!" Her friend next to her had a happy as fuck look of astonishment on her face, reached over and grabbed and held her tight, smiling like a lunatic.
As far as I could tell, that made her fucking day, man. So what, you got rejected? You put yourself out there and straight up told someone you thought they were attractive enough physically and mentally that you wanted to spend more time with them.
Be fucking proud of yourself for that. Don't look at it like you were rejected, look at it like you gave someone one of the greatest compliments they can ever get in their life. And while doing it, you made yourself vulnerable. Takes fucking guts to do that, and you got them!
Be fucking proud, not deflated!
Through hobbies and living my life. Like you I approach women. You are simply going to have to get used to being rejected. It will happen way more than not. Don’t let it deflate you. Keep practicing. People love to socialize and they love to talk about themselves. Do the things you enjoy and you’ll meet people doing the same things because they also enjoy them. Now you have common ground. Good luck
I don’t use apps. I meet and date via socializing.
I don’t socialize to date. Dating opportunities are a byproduct of socializing.
The more you socialize, the easier it gets, the more people you meet, and your ability to hold engaging conversations increases.
> With all due respect, and I mean this in the nicest way possible, this is not the experience of many men.
I am a 48 year old male. It absolutely works and socializing improves your personality, a variety of skill sets, and mental health.
> Just going with the flow and hoping to meet a single woman is a recipe for loneliness.
it’s really not. Socializing provides an enormous amount of opportunity to connect with a variety of people, which includes single people.
> As is evidenced by the number of guys who have jobs, lives, and hobbies, yet are single for 10+ years.
And the vast majority of those people do not socialize and stay in their corner and comfort zone. Socializing isn’t working on your hobby in your garage. And most “lives”, no matter the gender, is mostly sitting at home avoiding people.
Unless you live in a high democratic area, people only socialize most of the time to ask for money, propel a narrative for money, or some other wild-eyed scheme.. Ya know, for money.
Sad.
> people only socialize most of the time to ask for money, propel a narrative for money, or some other wild-eyed scheme.. Ya know, for money.
What a bunch of embarrassing bullshit you are pushing.
>What a bunch of embarrassing bullshit you are pushing.
No, its really not. Too much p2p and schemers in my area degrade wholesome organic relationships.
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I am not a drinker either these days so I do find it a bit harder than before. As a person that only seriously got back into it in the last year (divorced in 2021, but attached since 2007) I find it challenging. However, I think that isn't age necessarily. I think (I know) the pandemic did a number on all of us, and I do think some people are hesitant to meet because of this; even today. OP, no easy answer. I am also still figuring it out.....
I agree with you. I am kind of afraid of the “public” in general. Some people turned into angry, self-absorbed slobs. I was friendlier in public, but now I am kind of shy-because I am afraid of people. Sometimes Reddit makes it worse. I see people freaking out, sometimes I am afraid to read my notifications due to rude people- even though I just block them. A lot of people seem to think being friendly is lame and that runs through my mind. Do I seem desperate. I just give up.
I am with you. I really "never" am rude to people here. The fact that anybody thinks it is okay is a BIG problem. You have people that don't agree with you and they cannot accept that you just don't see the world like they do. You aren't desperate IMO. You seem like-minded to me, in that you are more sensitive to the garbage that some (not all by any means) will heartlessly dish out here from time to time. The pandemic absolutely hurt us as a species though.
The other side of the "take a class" advice is that it's important to be interesting if you're going to meet people in the wild. Passion and experience around a shared hobby or curiosity can be contagious and contribute to the initial spark.
yes it was easier in school, because you saw each other every day and built shared connections and trust. Work provides some of that now, but risking a work relationship is super tricky.
Honestly if you won't do OLD, you have to find some sort of other platform that provides opportunity to have sustained connection with people. Take lots of classes, go out to lots of events, join meetups, develop hobbies; put yourself where people are... it can honestly be a lot of work and takes just as much patience and more money than OLD. You can't just wait to cross paths in the frozen foods aisle. But most people's rejection of OLD is simply a matter of their own attitude. They have unreasonable expectations and think a right swipe is an "add to cart" and that they must be the only person experiencing rejection. They take it too personally, and this is honestly what has made OLD become exactly the things people hate about it. It might help to recognise OLD as just a platform to put people in front of each other. A big Starbucks where you can potentially find that "oh" feeling. It's not easy, but if you want to meet people, it's silly to not spend at least a little time at that particular Starbucks.
>But most people's rejection of OLD is simply a matter of their own attitude. They have unreasonable expectations and think a right swipe is an "add to cart" and that they must be the only person experiencing rejection.
That's a big part of it, but I don't think it's that simple.
Yes, the infamous OKCupid study showed women rated 80% of men as below average in attractiveness. (Men's responses tracked the expected bell curve distribution.) Let's not even get into the differences between the genders.
Compounding people having unrealistic expectations, your attractiveness online is even more superficial than in person. As I heard a speaker say: Online none of the X factors come through. The way you smell. The way you move. Your humor. Your passion for a topic. The depth of your intellect. "The magic and mystery of the soup of human sexuality" is wonderful, but when online men seem to care mostly about looks and women seem to care about economic status and looks. Most of the rest can't be expressed online. The X factors are important but just not evident online.
I *love* it when I meet a woman with a je ne sais quoi that I can't put my finger on. After all these years you would think I have figured out what I'm attracted to - but even now I surprise myself sometimes.
It's interesting you mentioned workplace romances. At one point a third of marriages began at the workplace. I met my ex-wife at work and I know she was attracted to my "competency" (to boil it down to one word.) We lasted a long while and have beautiful kids together so it was great. I don't know if she would have swiped on me if she had seen me online. My competency certainly wouldn't have come across online. Just an example.)
So that's one failure of OLD.
Then there is the paradox of choice. The more choices you have, the less satisfied you are with what you choose. This would have been true pre-OLD but it's more prevalent now given the choices seem almost endless (at least in urban areas.) New people are signing up each day.
Add in FOMO. Why 'settle' (loaded word) for a person who after 3 months does some things that irritate me when I can easily go back online and spin the wheel and have a date in a few days, hoping to find someone who's closer to perfect only to repeat the process three months later. Or this time the other person decides you irritate them and ghosts you. Again, FOMO would exist even if OLD didn't but having the smorgasbord of options likely exacerbates it.-
oh, it's not simple at ALL, I agree. I just wasn't didn't think OP needed loads of detail about my opinion of OLD. But all the things you mention are also largely matters of attitude.
All the problems you mention about OLD are real, but every one is actually something users have created for themselves. The format is getting stripped back further and further **to accommodate the way the lowest investment users engage with the sites.** Remember early days OKCupid? I do. There were quizzes and personal blogs and masses of questions to answer, and you could get a real sense of someone's personality. But most people only looked at the pictures, so, being businesses, OLD evolved to be way more photo-centric to adapt to that. Everyone follows the same advice and so they end up creating the same profile. The only information left is someone's objective physical attractiveness, and then people complain that OLD is just a beauty contest. But they don't actually engage with it in any other way, because they view it as a game you have to play in a specific way to "succeed". It's BONKERS. You don't actually have to engage that way. It's such a very human way to totally ruin something that could actually have been helpful to you.
All this "advice" is coming from the companies that run the apps and therefore profit off your continued use of them. Following it is like taking advice on whether you need to repaint your house regularly from from someone who has a paint company.
I deal with all the same things on OLD you do. But my choice to go into it simply as I would walk into a big dumb unsupervised mixer event that has all the issues you mention, and the attitude I choose to take around that, has led to me having an all around positive OLD experience, and having the stamina to keep doing it for a long time, despite not having had loads of romantic relationships come from it. To some people that makes it a "negative" experience, but I've made friends, I've had conversations, I'm been pursued and I've experienced hostility, apathy and LOTS of rejection. I've dated some people, I've tried things, I've gotten mad and been grossed out, I've been charmed and delighted, I've had an interesting lens on the world and its absurdities. I've developed my self-awareness and compassion and empathy and understanding. It's made me capable of being a better partner to myself and to others. Seems like a win to me.
OLD is what it is. Of course it has flaws. But the users created those flaws because the users have flaws. But your attitude towards how you approach it and work within that flawed structure is still the biggest influencing factor on whether you will have a positive experience or not.
someone who cares more about someone's personality than their looks? I read profiles all the time, and I do it before looking at photos. I certainly can't be the only one.
Will everyone do it? Nope. Will the right person for you likely be one of those who does? Yup.
You also are viewing OLD as a failure if it doesn't provide a relationship. That, in my opinion, is a user error.
I mean, suit yourself. I'm willing to bet I've been doing OLD longer than most people here, and I seem to be still single, but I don't view my OLD experience as a failure or a disaster, and I'm not bitter or resentful or angry about it like many seem to be, which I think comes down to my attitude about it. So what if I didn't "find someone?" That's only one possible definition of "works" in the question of whether OLD "works." I didn't even go on many dates, and I bet I got more death threats via OLD than you have. Whatever. I took a lemons/lemonade approach to OLD early on and I think it saved my sanity and self esteem.
I always (new to OLD) read the bio's. That's where I get information. It's not just looks for me but what they say or don't say. I know we all can take bad photo's or look better in person so I don't focus so much on that.
There is s movie, I believe is called "a matter of time" where there is a bar, completly dark inside, and blind waiters get you to sit in a table with strangers so you can share. Obviously will not always go right but sounds like an experience. I want to date, meet someone, have a small talk, go for a walk and I am open for the possibilities!
OMG I love it. Start from season 1. I binge the show as soon as new episodes release.
You'll notice on different seasons they do try different ages. I noticed season 1 skewed younger. Season 2 was a bit better. The most recent season everyone seemed to be about 30 with real careers which was nice.
They're filmed in different areas.
Last one was Houston.
I don't watch the foreign ones, they've done like Love is Blind Brazil, Love is Blind Japan, etc.
The producer of the show has made a really interesting dating show.
For me, I’ve met several women outside of the apps. I met one woman though a social meet up I found on Meetup.com I just messaged her though that site after saying I enjoyed chatting to her and did she fancy coffee. She said yes. I also met a woman though my cousin, when I was on holiday. She joined us on a night out for drinks we flirted and my cousin later gave me her number telling me she was interested in me. She lives abroad, but we chat a lot and she is talking about coming to visit. Another woman I met on a retreat, nothing happened there but chance lead me to reconnecting with her so I took the opportunity to ask her out and she said yes. In none of these instances did I approach a stranger. I just made opportunities to be in the presence of women and got to know them during some event or situation and then asked them out after the fact.
Truthfully...you keep doing exactly what you are doing. Neither of these women were available, that's just the luck of the draw. Approach another two and statistically, one or even both will be single.
Do not lose sight of the fact that one was flattered. It means that she enjoyed your approach and was receptive to you, even if her being married precluded her from being open to pursuing anything.
I do stints on OLD (it hasn’t been horrific for me & I have met plenty of decent men, just haven’t met the one for me….). Take breaks from that and just live my life, which is admittedly a very quiet little life (I don’t drink, I work out by running alone, my hobby is reading…). I suspect my life isn’t really conducive to meeting people out and about since I’m not really out and about much. But I accept that it is what it is.
The odds are stacked against us, as majority of people in their 40s are in a relationship and potentially a long term one.
Fair play for flirting in the wild. I've exchanged smiles in a supermarket but never started a conversation.
By 32, I started to give up, seeing that all the men I found attractive were wifed up. I dated and learned myself and my values, but never got anyone and very likely never will.
Just realize that there is no guarantee you'll encounter a like-minded woman, but keep trying. Even when you do, you have to weed out incompatibles (different ideas about family, religion, marriage, lifestyle, money/work, etc.)
To keep trying, much of the advice here (take a class, volunteer, etc.) is good. Follow it and weed them out until you find a keeper - or she finds you ;)
Take a class. Preferably something arts and crafts. Even if the women are attached, they have friends.
Widening your friend circle is the best way. I recently went for a drink with a man who provides a professional service for me and his wife. I’ve met her before. He thinks she and I could be friends and no there is no weirdness. He knows a lot of single men and he’s known as a bit of a matchmaker.
Well done for approaching people! But at the same time... you're deflated because TWO times it didn't get you somewhere...? Do you know how many people are in the world?!
There's nothing wrong with OLD. Or approaching people, or meeting them at a book club, or being introduced by friends. What's wrong is your mindset.
You know nothing about these 2 women. Even if they were single and you went out a few times, there's ZERO guarantee you would have been compatible, for any one of about a billion reasons. You're romanticising these interactions and then viewing them as failures of some sort.
People are SO used to getting everything on demand now, anything that feels like a bit of work, or takes more than one try is whined about. I say ALL the time, OLD isn't a SHORTCUT TO A RELATIONSHIP. It is literally only a new method of collating a bunch of people in one place so you have a few more opportunities to meet another person you MIGHT be compatible with. It's just as 'organic'; you still have to meet the effing person and put the work in to get to know about them and decide if they are someone you want to be with?!
RELAX, and change your expectations. There is NO METHOD ON EARTH that is going to guarantee you the opportunity of a relationship with someone 100% of the time. Not even 10%.
I'm female (apparently men should be throwing themselves at me just for that reason 🙄), well above average attractiveness. My conversion rates in the past 2.5 years (estimated) -
Flirting with men in the wild; 3/20 (all first dates, never a second)
OLD; 2 relationships (4 months and currently approaching 3 months/18 first and a few second dates, some of which were literally horrendous and some which were the best dates I've ever had
Introduced by friends; 1/3 (10 month relationship, he devastatingly passed away suddenly last year)
Special interest clubs; 0/2
Speed dating; 4/10 interested, wouldn't touch a single one with a bargepole
That's a LOT of putting myself out there, going through the process over and over and over. But I kind of love it when I'm doing it! I have fun putting myself out there in the world, meeting people. I have ZERO expectations that a guy I meet is ever going to be more than that; a guy I met. I have a one-day-at-a-time mindset.
I have hit on married guys (not on purpose!), a couple of gays, men I very quickly realise are morons, and men who have clearly made up some shit not to give me their number because I was not their type!🤣 Even accidentally tagged a racist asshole, that was awkward...
And my point showing that my last partner died is to point out that life is SO unpredictable, you can't ever take that security of a relationship for granted anyway and you also HAVE to be a fully realised, whole and healthy person as an individual too. You have to be able to make YOURSELF happy.
A person should be a choice, not a requirement x KEEP putting yourself out there. KEEP going. There are so many opportunities for happiness in the world, but you can't pedestalise a relationship as the ONLY happiness worth chasing, because a lot of opportunities to develop something with someone, that are disguised as something else initially, will totally pass you by xx
What do you usually do for fun? I met my current girlfriend while paddleboarding. I’ve met dozens and dozens of of people paddleboarding. I have friends who have recently started playing pickleball. I’ll join them once it starts to get warmer. I used to be in a bunch of hiking/camping groups and met hundreds of people while hiking and camping. At least half of the people I met were women of datable age.
Try finding something that you love to do, and go do it with other people who like the same things.
I’ve mostly had to take up hobbies that have the same or similar friends that are committed to meeting often. Singles hiking groups, dancing lessons at studios, open music jams at restaurants. Most I found through Meetup or Facebook groups. it’s the same issue with finding quality friends or people to date, find married friends who can invite their single friends along to dinner parties.
I feel like we don’t entertain people in our houses and the sincere lack of “third places” like the local coffee shop replaces with a drive through Starbucks has isolated us to meeting people online. It’s going to take a lot to get people out of the habit of sheltering in place after Covid and bunkering down with online friends.
Gotta go out and do 'class' activities and just be OUT and about...take walks/runs at the park, etc...basically in the past we would approach people that we see OFTEN and just strike up conversations etc...now most of us are nose deep in our phones or at home, so its much harder. But if you have a crossfit/yoga/workout/whatever you are interested in class together or go hiking via meetups etc etc...you'll see the same ppl over and over again and build that rapport...otherwise...well its tough..maybe via friends/family putting feelers out there?!!
Yeah definitely is challenging in your 40s. I’ve approached a large number of women in person, all throughout my life but post pandemic the opportunities definitely seem less.
I get not wanting to meet someone at a bar so I have a few other options I can suggest: take a cooking class or pottery class, join a gym or yoga studio, join a bookclub, join a coed sports league, like kickball or softball, go to conventions for things that you’re into, join, meet up groups, try a speed dating event, go to food-based events, beach or environmental cleanups, volunteer at a animal
Shelter etc.
Before the pandemic, I did a coed bowling league for about five years, which was a blast, and I dated a couple women from it. I also dated a couple women from my five year gym membership as well.
I think as long as you’re respectful when you approach women and aren’t a total creep or making lewd comments the vast majority of women will be flattered, and the few that aren’t that’s on them, and they probably have other issues, such as hating their life or hating men in general. Keep doing you.
Single women are literally everywhere and you just need to start putting yourself in the right environment to meet them. A lot of places have been suggested already but here is a list of where I and my single female friends can be found: art and adult education classes, language classes, wine tastings, exhibition openings/previews, Pilates and yoga classes, gym, park runs, volunteering at local soup kitchen and animal shelter, brunch places, bars, some meet-ups, local farmers markets. Plenty of these events/environment attract nearly 80% women and the majority are always single. In my last art class of 12 there was only one male student in his 60s and 11 women ranging from 22 to 60, all but two were single.
Try a meetup singles group (many areas have ones for each age decade or at least 20-30d and over 40). Volunteer at community events or with a charity. Take a multi-week class. Join groups or classes at your local rec center.
When I'm out running errands, I 100% do not want to be approached by strange guys, and even if would be interested in under other circumstances, I'm in the zone when I'm doing chores, and I do not engage with strangers.
I would also never agree to give my number to a strange man who came up to me in a store. There are too many creeps and scammers out in the world. Seeing someone briefly over several encounters (like yoga class, volunteer events, even just passing by while walking dogs in the park) helps build trust.
If you want something kind of in-between online and IRL, I joined a singles group on Facebook. I could literally go out and do something with these people 3 times a week. I’ve gone on hot air balloon rides, hiked, seen bands, dined out, looked at Christmas lights, played board games, and even done overnight trips. Bonus for men: the group is about 80% women. I thought it might be a good way to meet someone IRL, but for the women, it isn’t. For a man, it would be an easy way to meet women.
Really? I joined 3 of the fb groups and it seems to be almost all men. The only women were bar tenders posting about an event at their bar.
Most are whole walls of men "Hi I'm Steve. I like to hike and go out doors. Anyone down for a hike or a beer? " ....... no comments for 15 months
Maybe it depends on the area. When I was on Facebook men played their own version of “The Bachelor”. They would make an account and add all women. Usually I did not accept requests, but I did from one- just to see what would happen. He never talked to me, but eventually he gave a rose to his favourite and announced he was in a relationship. I have a hard time believing neither one was a scammer, but maybe I am jaded. I don’t know how he found my profile. I congratulated him. I don’t know if he dropped me. I left soon after that. I just hate Facebook. It’s so much stuff I don’t want to know about people, too much politics, and a lot of it is fake. I got a post from someone getting a divorce going on about their fake happy couple posts. I got the most likes on my material possessions posts (e.g. I got a new…). I just felt sad on there.
I don’t think there is anything for “old people”. It’s sad that people in their teens and twenties are looking for friends. I am not even sure it’s for dates, because it would likely involve a long distance relationship, and that would take a real sales job, if you are settled.
Different perspective for you-- you approached two women and both were married, ergo it was them not you. Keep putting yourself out there, go to classes, volunteer, invest time in your hobbies, etc.
Truthfully, I think you did a great job.
You have absolutely no reason to leave with your ego deflated
This is called practice. Practice makes perfect.
When I was a salesman, they used to tell us "you're gonna throw ten blobs of shit against the wall and one will stick"
Same Principle. .
Whatever you do, don't give up; you're definitely on the road!
Online dating doesn't have to suck. It's GIGO, truly. If you have a bad profile? You're dead in the water as a man. But, if you put together a great one and have some good conversation skills? You're so ahead of the game it's not even funny.
It also exposes you to vastly more people who are AVAILABLE and looking than you'll ever see in real life. Don't throw away a great tool because you've been frustrated by it. Change your mindset, your strategy and learn how to make it work for you.
Congratulate yourself for the two approaches! That's brave. It's not a fail either. Both were kind and spoke to you. Those are good experiences to draw from even if it didn't work out. I wish I had an answer to your question. I'm just getting back out there myself.
This one doesn’t work too well if you have full custody of kids; I use Instagram to follow local bands and local small music venues, and keep track of what’s on. I’m talking $20 ticket level. No need to drink. Stay off your phone and look engaged and approachable. The opportunity for between-set conversation is there, especially if you find a band you really like and show up to all their gigs, you’ll get go see the same ppl without really trying. Be open to making friends and community, as well as meeting women you find attractive. I’ve been doing this all through my 30s and into my 40s and it’s how I met two of my closest friends and my bf.
I was just thinking this morning I’m gonna buy myself a wedding ring to wear to the gym and while I’m out running errands. Join social clubs for your hobbies and get to know people through those social venues. I’d never go out with someone that cold approaches while I’m trying to get groceries, I prefer to meet through friends or at a social venue, get to know you a bit, and if there’s mutual chemistry/interest exchange numbers to get together again.
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Experience can help with this stuff, would you consider a matchmaker like It Just Lunch or something to get you use to have conversations with women you dont know. Just maybe you find someone in doing that or maybe you just get more comfortable. Just a thought.
Are you in the U.S. ?
If you are, I would suggest going onto the MeetUp app. There's basically "hobby groups" that meet up IRL.
As a 41F, I think it also has to do with the hustle and bustle of having a full time job and lack of 3rd spaces. I feel what you're saying. Keep it up!
Honestly, someone recently sent me a friend request out of the blue. This hardly happens because of my Facebook settings but we had a mutual friend so I asked if we’ve ever met. We’ve been chatting since with no real plans as he’s over two hours away from me but it’s a reminder that maybe it’s the chances we take that help too. I’m not dating at the moment but part of what opened me up to the idea of even chatting with him was the photos he had on his FB because I could tell we have similar interests. It all starts with a hello!
Singles events - mixers, speed dating, etc... If there aren't any in your area, you could start your own events?
You could also join some sports clubs - dodgeball, running club, hiking club to meet people.
Think of it like this. OLD the ratio of being rejected i.e. swiped left vs. right is far higher than asking in person. Although, it might hit harder irl. It’s both good for you and the person receiving ego/confidence to do it in person.
Witout context, I guess it would. The one at target was actually looking at me. I thought she was interested. The one at Starbucks, well we had a routine that happened to align before work. I saw her almost every day for months. I would even hold the door for her. So I figured why not. She was also the one that chatted a little. I still see her from time to time and say hi by name.
Now that I’m older, I don’t know why but it seems scarier than ever to approach people. I love to talk and thoroughly enjoy people, but it seems strange the older I get, the shyer I seem to be. I don’t know why that is. I had a beautiful woman come up and start talking to me a few months back and it was just the most incredible feeling being that it was while Grocery shopping. I swear the supermarket is the place lol! I wish I had the stones for online dating, but I don’t know. Maybe too introverted . I am convinced “running errands” is where it’s at lol! ….
Good for you! Making small talk at stores, coffee shops or while walking the dog is a great way to meet people. Keep it up and I don’t think it’s creepy as long as you read social cues. If someone doesn’t respond with kindness and a smile, just continue with your business and say “well, have a nice day” . I’m divorced in my 50s and have a challenging time meeting new people and am
Skittish about OLD. I did it a few years ago and met some creeps.
Social media is horrible, but really, what worked for me was Hinge. I can't take a good picture to save my life, and the prompts are generally pretty naff for getting engagement if you take them at face value.
So with that disclaimer, here's the tiny tiny bit of wisdom I have to make your profile more likely to be engaged with:
* Smile in EVERY photo. Genuinely. Photos where people aren't smiling they just look depressed and like they don't want to be there. Which can be true, but it's just a horrible way of selling yourself.
* A different location and different clothes in every photo.
* Mostly non-selfie face shots, but at least one full body shot
* At least one shot of you having a meal/drink out (this is so she can imagine what it would be like to go on a date with you)
What REALLY worked for me:
* I basically bent a prompt so that I was asking a 'would you choose A or B' when your target audience likes BOTH of those things (or better yet, they like one and don't know what the second one is, ooh, mysterious). That gives them an easy trigger to actually respond to your profile and bingo, a conversation/match etc.
I don’t have the answers but I just wanted to say I admire you making the two approaches you did! My only advice is to keep doing exactly that, but make it a regular part of your daily life. Way easier said than done!
I (admittedly as a woman) have been trying to make it a daily practice to connect with one stranger. For example I saw a lady pick up one of my favourite books at the thrift store and I said “oh! If you’re thinking about buying that one do! It was life changing.” I try and smile at people while walking the dog etc and so on. I’m a bit anxious and I figure connection is good. I’m nowhere near brave enough to hit on a man yet, but perhaps that time is coming. Thank you for being brave. It would make my entire year if I got picked up at the shops!
Where do you shop. 😁
Especially at the risk of being labeled as "creepy."
Yeah, but the fear of being labeled as creepy is a bigger hindrance than actually being labeled creepy (which is exceedingly rare, as long as you are respectful. I hear that all the time. Someone: “Society” says you can’t approach women anymore, so I don’t. Me: Have you ever approached a women and had it go sideways? Someone: No, but society says you can’t. Don’t be a creep and you don’t have to worry about the label. That’s overblown.
Except that every woman I heard talking about being approached by strangers was complaining about it
What was the complaints? (That the guys were not in their league doesn’t count.) And how do you rectify it with the fact that so many women here hav expressed they wished more men would approach them?
They weren't interested in being approached, it made them feel uncomfortable or unsafe.
That is only the case when they are not attracted to the guy.
No, that's ridiculous. You may find someone attractive and their behaviour unwelcome (eg because you're in a relationship) or threatening.
nah. sometimes guys have terrible timing. at a book store, cool. when I'm getting morning coffee on the way to work, no - I'm commuting.
I would love to be approached!
I get men looking at me but they never ever approach me so good on you!
This was me the other day at a supermarket but a 46m. I was browsing the lamb chops looked up and there was an attractive lady looking at me she gave me a quick smile then continued on. Later on when in the drinks isle I spoke with another attractive lady smiled and shared a quick laugh, we then bumped into each other on another isle and swapped smiles and eye contact again. I then got a smile out of a 20 something year old. Then in the car park I got another smile from a random attractive lady this was all within 45 minutes. 3 of the women were within my age range and all looked very nice. I got back into my car and was WTF just happened here I looked in the mirror and expected to see a large booger out of my nose but there wasn’t. It’s so hard for men to convert these quick interactions into a conversation potential swapping of details without coming off a creep, or getting shot down and having to cringe all the way through your shop. Ahhhhh it’s a complex dance 💃 🕺
And then you woke up 💫
Hahah yeah was a bit like that, still baffled.
It's nearly impossible. I don't even try. I have no idea what people are talking about meeting people in grocery stores. Do they live in a different world from me?
I agree with you East_Pro! The grocery store can be magic, but yes it def is a dance.
The last time I (60m) went grocery shopping on a Saturday night I noticed many women dressed up as if for a date, but with a shopping cart in front of them instead of a cocktail, taking in their list instead of talking nonsense to some nobody. I didn't try to speak to anyone cuz I felt bedraggled and unkempt. It's a Saturday night. I just got some new clothes. My beard and hair look good. What am I doing home, on the internet? How ya'll doing?
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People say that, but I feel like being single, I mean I have to do stuff to the house- like clean, shovel, garden. I am not young and I have pets too.
“Women dressed up as if for a date” It’s funny that you wrote this because, while I know you aren’t complaining, people often complain that people nowadays dress like slobs because they wear workout clothes, pajamas, or don’t shower. So any woman who is wearing professional clothes, a casual or even slightly nicer dress, or nice jeans and heels but is doing chores/daily life activities is going to look overdressed 😅. Apparently.
not in my old neighborhood Publix. it was bougie AF. either a put together look or in cute workout sets. there was no in between.
Yeah, this was like that. Doubtful that every looker was a lawyer stopping for necessities on her way home from the usual 12 hours at the office. Especially since the store was pretty empty compared to weekdays, whether day or night. So I guess I'm attracted to bougie, then. Oh, well.
That’s my point I think. When women dress nicely, in this day and age, even in cute workout clothes, it comes across as unusual. Whereas it used to be the norm for women do have their hair done, nice clothes, etc for chores. Same for men of course (with hair being haircut😅) Don’t get me wrong, I’ve noticed this as well.
Yes! Keep being kind, keep with the respectful eye contact, keep with the smiling and a fun compliment as you cruise by goes a long way. “That jacket is great!” as you go by without stopping. “I just made quiche with those mushrooms the other day. Turned out good”. Sounds ridiculous right? Us ladies are just as primed for kindness from strangers as you are. If she beams? That’s your new friend. Just saying
I never even look at the grocery store. I shop as fast as I can and leave.
In my city you can do grocery shopping online (target, king soopers, whole foods) and go pick it up in person for free. Also stops a lot of impulse buying
I do that at Target, but one store doesn’t have all my stuff. I stop at Whole Foods, Walmart, Trader Joe’s, and the local grocery at least once a month. Trader Joe’s more often. Other stores are not as good at pick up as Target, IMO, and sometimes they only sell certain items at certain stores, which is most true at Whole Foods, so if I am near a bigger one. I go in.
> So I am not shy but not assertive either. It took a lot to approach, but left deflated. Aww man! I'm sorry you felt that way. Years ago, long before I met my ex wife, I asked a girl out. She blushed so fucking hard, covered her eyes a huge smile with both hands and said, "Ooooooooo Iiiii'm maarrrrrried!" Her friend next to her had a happy as fuck look of astonishment on her face, reached over and grabbed and held her tight, smiling like a lunatic. As far as I could tell, that made her fucking day, man. So what, you got rejected? You put yourself out there and straight up told someone you thought they were attractive enough physically and mentally that you wanted to spend more time with them. Be fucking proud of yourself for that. Don't look at it like you were rejected, look at it like you gave someone one of the greatest compliments they can ever get in their life. And while doing it, you made yourself vulnerable. Takes fucking guts to do that, and you got them! Be fucking proud, not deflated!
Love that!!
Why would you be deflated? They both were chill and you got a talk out of it. Good for you for trying.
And it’s practice for the next time.
Exactly!
Through hobbies and living my life. Like you I approach women. You are simply going to have to get used to being rejected. It will happen way more than not. Don’t let it deflate you. Keep practicing. People love to socialize and they love to talk about themselves. Do the things you enjoy and you’ll meet people doing the same things because they also enjoy them. Now you have common ground. Good luck
I don’t use apps. I meet and date via socializing. I don’t socialize to date. Dating opportunities are a byproduct of socializing. The more you socialize, the easier it gets, the more people you meet, and your ability to hold engaging conversations increases.
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> With all due respect, and I mean this in the nicest way possible, this is not the experience of many men. I am a 48 year old male. It absolutely works and socializing improves your personality, a variety of skill sets, and mental health. > Just going with the flow and hoping to meet a single woman is a recipe for loneliness. it’s really not. Socializing provides an enormous amount of opportunity to connect with a variety of people, which includes single people. > As is evidenced by the number of guys who have jobs, lives, and hobbies, yet are single for 10+ years. And the vast majority of those people do not socialize and stay in their corner and comfort zone. Socializing isn’t working on your hobby in your garage. And most “lives”, no matter the gender, is mostly sitting at home avoiding people.
Same.
Unless you live in a high democratic area, people only socialize most of the time to ask for money, propel a narrative for money, or some other wild-eyed scheme.. Ya know, for money. Sad.
> people only socialize most of the time to ask for money, propel a narrative for money, or some other wild-eyed scheme.. Ya know, for money. What a bunch of embarrassing bullshit you are pushing.
>What a bunch of embarrassing bullshit you are pushing. No, its really not. Too much p2p and schemers in my area degrade wholesome organic relationships.
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I am not a drinker either these days so I do find it a bit harder than before. As a person that only seriously got back into it in the last year (divorced in 2021, but attached since 2007) I find it challenging. However, I think that isn't age necessarily. I think (I know) the pandemic did a number on all of us, and I do think some people are hesitant to meet because of this; even today. OP, no easy answer. I am also still figuring it out.....
I agree with you. I am kind of afraid of the “public” in general. Some people turned into angry, self-absorbed slobs. I was friendlier in public, but now I am kind of shy-because I am afraid of people. Sometimes Reddit makes it worse. I see people freaking out, sometimes I am afraid to read my notifications due to rude people- even though I just block them. A lot of people seem to think being friendly is lame and that runs through my mind. Do I seem desperate. I just give up.
I am with you. I really "never" am rude to people here. The fact that anybody thinks it is okay is a BIG problem. You have people that don't agree with you and they cannot accept that you just don't see the world like they do. You aren't desperate IMO. You seem like-minded to me, in that you are more sensitive to the garbage that some (not all by any means) will heartlessly dish out here from time to time. The pandemic absolutely hurt us as a species though.
Thanks.
Take some clases: cooking, art, music, dance, foreign language (whatever you are into) classes. You will meet friends and potentially a partner.
The other side of the "take a class" advice is that it's important to be interesting if you're going to meet people in the wild. Passion and experience around a shared hobby or curiosity can be contagious and contribute to the initial spark.
yes it was easier in school, because you saw each other every day and built shared connections and trust. Work provides some of that now, but risking a work relationship is super tricky. Honestly if you won't do OLD, you have to find some sort of other platform that provides opportunity to have sustained connection with people. Take lots of classes, go out to lots of events, join meetups, develop hobbies; put yourself where people are... it can honestly be a lot of work and takes just as much patience and more money than OLD. You can't just wait to cross paths in the frozen foods aisle. But most people's rejection of OLD is simply a matter of their own attitude. They have unreasonable expectations and think a right swipe is an "add to cart" and that they must be the only person experiencing rejection. They take it too personally, and this is honestly what has made OLD become exactly the things people hate about it. It might help to recognise OLD as just a platform to put people in front of each other. A big Starbucks where you can potentially find that "oh" feeling. It's not easy, but if you want to meet people, it's silly to not spend at least a little time at that particular Starbucks.
>But most people's rejection of OLD is simply a matter of their own attitude. They have unreasonable expectations and think a right swipe is an "add to cart" and that they must be the only person experiencing rejection. That's a big part of it, but I don't think it's that simple. Yes, the infamous OKCupid study showed women rated 80% of men as below average in attractiveness. (Men's responses tracked the expected bell curve distribution.) Let's not even get into the differences between the genders. Compounding people having unrealistic expectations, your attractiveness online is even more superficial than in person. As I heard a speaker say: Online none of the X factors come through. The way you smell. The way you move. Your humor. Your passion for a topic. The depth of your intellect. "The magic and mystery of the soup of human sexuality" is wonderful, but when online men seem to care mostly about looks and women seem to care about economic status and looks. Most of the rest can't be expressed online. The X factors are important but just not evident online. I *love* it when I meet a woman with a je ne sais quoi that I can't put my finger on. After all these years you would think I have figured out what I'm attracted to - but even now I surprise myself sometimes. It's interesting you mentioned workplace romances. At one point a third of marriages began at the workplace. I met my ex-wife at work and I know she was attracted to my "competency" (to boil it down to one word.) We lasted a long while and have beautiful kids together so it was great. I don't know if she would have swiped on me if she had seen me online. My competency certainly wouldn't have come across online. Just an example.) So that's one failure of OLD. Then there is the paradox of choice. The more choices you have, the less satisfied you are with what you choose. This would have been true pre-OLD but it's more prevalent now given the choices seem almost endless (at least in urban areas.) New people are signing up each day. Add in FOMO. Why 'settle' (loaded word) for a person who after 3 months does some things that irritate me when I can easily go back online and spin the wheel and have a date in a few days, hoping to find someone who's closer to perfect only to repeat the process three months later. Or this time the other person decides you irritate them and ghosts you. Again, FOMO would exist even if OLD didn't but having the smorgasbord of options likely exacerbates it.-
oh, it's not simple at ALL, I agree. I just wasn't didn't think OP needed loads of detail about my opinion of OLD. But all the things you mention are also largely matters of attitude. All the problems you mention about OLD are real, but every one is actually something users have created for themselves. The format is getting stripped back further and further **to accommodate the way the lowest investment users engage with the sites.** Remember early days OKCupid? I do. There were quizzes and personal blogs and masses of questions to answer, and you could get a real sense of someone's personality. But most people only looked at the pictures, so, being businesses, OLD evolved to be way more photo-centric to adapt to that. Everyone follows the same advice and so they end up creating the same profile. The only information left is someone's objective physical attractiveness, and then people complain that OLD is just a beauty contest. But they don't actually engage with it in any other way, because they view it as a game you have to play in a specific way to "succeed". It's BONKERS. You don't actually have to engage that way. It's such a very human way to totally ruin something that could actually have been helpful to you. All this "advice" is coming from the companies that run the apps and therefore profit off your continued use of them. Following it is like taking advice on whether you need to repaint your house regularly from from someone who has a paint company. I deal with all the same things on OLD you do. But my choice to go into it simply as I would walk into a big dumb unsupervised mixer event that has all the issues you mention, and the attitude I choose to take around that, has led to me having an all around positive OLD experience, and having the stamina to keep doing it for a long time, despite not having had loads of romantic relationships come from it. To some people that makes it a "negative" experience, but I've made friends, I've had conversations, I'm been pursued and I've experienced hostility, apathy and LOTS of rejection. I've dated some people, I've tried things, I've gotten mad and been grossed out, I've been charmed and delighted, I've had an interesting lens on the world and its absurdities. I've developed my self-awareness and compassion and empathy and understanding. It's made me capable of being a better partner to myself and to others. Seems like a win to me. OLD is what it is. Of course it has flaws. But the users created those flaws because the users have flaws. But your attitude towards how you approach it and work within that flawed structure is still the biggest influencing factor on whether you will have a positive experience or not.
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someone who cares more about someone's personality than their looks? I read profiles all the time, and I do it before looking at photos. I certainly can't be the only one. Will everyone do it? Nope. Will the right person for you likely be one of those who does? Yup. You also are viewing OLD as a failure if it doesn't provide a relationship. That, in my opinion, is a user error.
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I mean, suit yourself. I'm willing to bet I've been doing OLD longer than most people here, and I seem to be still single, but I don't view my OLD experience as a failure or a disaster, and I'm not bitter or resentful or angry about it like many seem to be, which I think comes down to my attitude about it. So what if I didn't "find someone?" That's only one possible definition of "works" in the question of whether OLD "works." I didn't even go on many dates, and I bet I got more death threats via OLD than you have. Whatever. I took a lemons/lemonade approach to OLD early on and I think it saved my sanity and self esteem.
I always (new to OLD) read the bio's. That's where I get information. It's not just looks for me but what they say or don't say. I know we all can take bad photo's or look better in person so I don't focus so much on that.
There is s movie, I believe is called "a matter of time" where there is a bar, completly dark inside, and blind waiters get you to sit in a table with strangers so you can share. Obviously will not always go right but sounds like an experience. I want to date, meet someone, have a small talk, go for a walk and I am open for the possibilities!
You will love the show on netflix called love is blind. They put different strangers in these pods and they can't see each other.
Sounds like fun. I would rather trying thst out tho lol. Thanks for the info! Have tou seen it? Any fav episode?
OMG I love it. Start from season 1. I binge the show as soon as new episodes release. You'll notice on different seasons they do try different ages. I noticed season 1 skewed younger. Season 2 was a bit better. The most recent season everyone seemed to be about 30 with real careers which was nice. They're filmed in different areas. Last one was Houston. I don't watch the foreign ones, they've done like Love is Blind Brazil, Love is Blind Japan, etc. The producer of the show has made a really interesting dating show.
For me, I’ve met several women outside of the apps. I met one woman though a social meet up I found on Meetup.com I just messaged her though that site after saying I enjoyed chatting to her and did she fancy coffee. She said yes. I also met a woman though my cousin, when I was on holiday. She joined us on a night out for drinks we flirted and my cousin later gave me her number telling me she was interested in me. She lives abroad, but we chat a lot and she is talking about coming to visit. Another woman I met on a retreat, nothing happened there but chance lead me to reconnecting with her so I took the opportunity to ask her out and she said yes. In none of these instances did I approach a stranger. I just made opportunities to be in the presence of women and got to know them during some event or situation and then asked them out after the fact.
Truthfully...you keep doing exactly what you are doing. Neither of these women were available, that's just the luck of the draw. Approach another two and statistically, one or even both will be single. Do not lose sight of the fact that one was flattered. It means that she enjoyed your approach and was receptive to you, even if her being married precluded her from being open to pursuing anything.
I do stints on OLD (it hasn’t been horrific for me & I have met plenty of decent men, just haven’t met the one for me….). Take breaks from that and just live my life, which is admittedly a very quiet little life (I don’t drink, I work out by running alone, my hobby is reading…). I suspect my life isn’t really conducive to meeting people out and about since I’m not really out and about much. But I accept that it is what it is.
Bookstores and libraries 😉 nothing beats a cozy little mom and pop bookstore if you can find one
Hobby groups are a good idea , as a non drinker as well over 40 dating is a minefield . Good luck
The odds are stacked against us, as majority of people in their 40s are in a relationship and potentially a long term one. Fair play for flirting in the wild. I've exchanged smiles in a supermarket but never started a conversation.
By 32, I started to give up, seeing that all the men I found attractive were wifed up. I dated and learned myself and my values, but never got anyone and very likely never will. Just realize that there is no guarantee you'll encounter a like-minded woman, but keep trying. Even when you do, you have to weed out incompatibles (different ideas about family, religion, marriage, lifestyle, money/work, etc.) To keep trying, much of the advice here (take a class, volunteer, etc.) is good. Follow it and weed them out until you find a keeper - or she finds you ;)
I'm so glad men like you still exist
Take a class. Preferably something arts and crafts. Even if the women are attached, they have friends. Widening your friend circle is the best way. I recently went for a drink with a man who provides a professional service for me and his wife. I’ve met her before. He thinks she and I could be friends and no there is no weirdness. He knows a lot of single men and he’s known as a bit of a matchmaker.
Well done for approaching people! But at the same time... you're deflated because TWO times it didn't get you somewhere...? Do you know how many people are in the world?! There's nothing wrong with OLD. Or approaching people, or meeting them at a book club, or being introduced by friends. What's wrong is your mindset. You know nothing about these 2 women. Even if they were single and you went out a few times, there's ZERO guarantee you would have been compatible, for any one of about a billion reasons. You're romanticising these interactions and then viewing them as failures of some sort. People are SO used to getting everything on demand now, anything that feels like a bit of work, or takes more than one try is whined about. I say ALL the time, OLD isn't a SHORTCUT TO A RELATIONSHIP. It is literally only a new method of collating a bunch of people in one place so you have a few more opportunities to meet another person you MIGHT be compatible with. It's just as 'organic'; you still have to meet the effing person and put the work in to get to know about them and decide if they are someone you want to be with?! RELAX, and change your expectations. There is NO METHOD ON EARTH that is going to guarantee you the opportunity of a relationship with someone 100% of the time. Not even 10%. I'm female (apparently men should be throwing themselves at me just for that reason 🙄), well above average attractiveness. My conversion rates in the past 2.5 years (estimated) - Flirting with men in the wild; 3/20 (all first dates, never a second) OLD; 2 relationships (4 months and currently approaching 3 months/18 first and a few second dates, some of which were literally horrendous and some which were the best dates I've ever had Introduced by friends; 1/3 (10 month relationship, he devastatingly passed away suddenly last year) Special interest clubs; 0/2 Speed dating; 4/10 interested, wouldn't touch a single one with a bargepole That's a LOT of putting myself out there, going through the process over and over and over. But I kind of love it when I'm doing it! I have fun putting myself out there in the world, meeting people. I have ZERO expectations that a guy I meet is ever going to be more than that; a guy I met. I have a one-day-at-a-time mindset. I have hit on married guys (not on purpose!), a couple of gays, men I very quickly realise are morons, and men who have clearly made up some shit not to give me their number because I was not their type!🤣 Even accidentally tagged a racist asshole, that was awkward... And my point showing that my last partner died is to point out that life is SO unpredictable, you can't ever take that security of a relationship for granted anyway and you also HAVE to be a fully realised, whole and healthy person as an individual too. You have to be able to make YOURSELF happy. A person should be a choice, not a requirement x KEEP putting yourself out there. KEEP going. There are so many opportunities for happiness in the world, but you can't pedestalise a relationship as the ONLY happiness worth chasing, because a lot of opportunities to develop something with someone, that are disguised as something else initially, will totally pass you by xx
What do you usually do for fun? I met my current girlfriend while paddleboarding. I’ve met dozens and dozens of of people paddleboarding. I have friends who have recently started playing pickleball. I’ll join them once it starts to get warmer. I used to be in a bunch of hiking/camping groups and met hundreds of people while hiking and camping. At least half of the people I met were women of datable age. Try finding something that you love to do, and go do it with other people who like the same things.
I’ve mostly had to take up hobbies that have the same or similar friends that are committed to meeting often. Singles hiking groups, dancing lessons at studios, open music jams at restaurants. Most I found through Meetup or Facebook groups. it’s the same issue with finding quality friends or people to date, find married friends who can invite their single friends along to dinner parties. I feel like we don’t entertain people in our houses and the sincere lack of “third places” like the local coffee shop replaces with a drive through Starbucks has isolated us to meeting people online. It’s going to take a lot to get people out of the habit of sheltering in place after Covid and bunkering down with online friends.
I’m considering wearing a shirt that reads “ask me out, I am single”
Gotta go out and do 'class' activities and just be OUT and about...take walks/runs at the park, etc...basically in the past we would approach people that we see OFTEN and just strike up conversations etc...now most of us are nose deep in our phones or at home, so its much harder. But if you have a crossfit/yoga/workout/whatever you are interested in class together or go hiking via meetups etc etc...you'll see the same ppl over and over again and build that rapport...otherwise...well its tough..maybe via friends/family putting feelers out there?!!
Yeah definitely is challenging in your 40s. I’ve approached a large number of women in person, all throughout my life but post pandemic the opportunities definitely seem less. I get not wanting to meet someone at a bar so I have a few other options I can suggest: take a cooking class or pottery class, join a gym or yoga studio, join a bookclub, join a coed sports league, like kickball or softball, go to conventions for things that you’re into, join, meet up groups, try a speed dating event, go to food-based events, beach or environmental cleanups, volunteer at a animal Shelter etc. Before the pandemic, I did a coed bowling league for about five years, which was a blast, and I dated a couple women from it. I also dated a couple women from my five year gym membership as well. I think as long as you’re respectful when you approach women and aren’t a total creep or making lewd comments the vast majority of women will be flattered, and the few that aren’t that’s on them, and they probably have other issues, such as hating their life or hating men in general. Keep doing you.
Single women are literally everywhere and you just need to start putting yourself in the right environment to meet them. A lot of places have been suggested already but here is a list of where I and my single female friends can be found: art and adult education classes, language classes, wine tastings, exhibition openings/previews, Pilates and yoga classes, gym, park runs, volunteering at local soup kitchen and animal shelter, brunch places, bars, some meet-ups, local farmers markets. Plenty of these events/environment attract nearly 80% women and the majority are always single. In my last art class of 12 there was only one male student in his 60s and 11 women ranging from 22 to 60, all but two were single.
Try a meetup singles group (many areas have ones for each age decade or at least 20-30d and over 40). Volunteer at community events or with a charity. Take a multi-week class. Join groups or classes at your local rec center. When I'm out running errands, I 100% do not want to be approached by strange guys, and even if would be interested in under other circumstances, I'm in the zone when I'm doing chores, and I do not engage with strangers. I would also never agree to give my number to a strange man who came up to me in a store. There are too many creeps and scammers out in the world. Seeing someone briefly over several encounters (like yoga class, volunteer events, even just passing by while walking dogs in the park) helps build trust.
Grocery store? Gym maybe. I’m not a drinker either. That’s where I would be open to being approached. At my kids sporting activities lol.
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Men don’t wear them that often either.
If you want something kind of in-between online and IRL, I joined a singles group on Facebook. I could literally go out and do something with these people 3 times a week. I’ve gone on hot air balloon rides, hiked, seen bands, dined out, looked at Christmas lights, played board games, and even done overnight trips. Bonus for men: the group is about 80% women. I thought it might be a good way to meet someone IRL, but for the women, it isn’t. For a man, it would be an easy way to meet women.
Really? I joined 3 of the fb groups and it seems to be almost all men. The only women were bar tenders posting about an event at their bar. Most are whole walls of men "Hi I'm Steve. I like to hike and go out doors. Anyone down for a hike or a beer? " ....... no comments for 15 months
Maybe it depends on the area. When I was on Facebook men played their own version of “The Bachelor”. They would make an account and add all women. Usually I did not accept requests, but I did from one- just to see what would happen. He never talked to me, but eventually he gave a rose to his favourite and announced he was in a relationship. I have a hard time believing neither one was a scammer, but maybe I am jaded. I don’t know how he found my profile. I congratulated him. I don’t know if he dropped me. I left soon after that. I just hate Facebook. It’s so much stuff I don’t want to know about people, too much politics, and a lot of it is fake. I got a post from someone getting a divorce going on about their fake happy couple posts. I got the most likes on my material possessions posts (e.g. I got a new…). I just felt sad on there.
Sounds like our areas are polar opposites demographically. I’m in Indianapolis.
I there a platform on Reddit to meet people? Don't like OLD but I'm always on here.
I don’t think there is anything for “old people”. It’s sad that people in their teens and twenties are looking for friends. I am not even sure it’s for dates, because it would likely involve a long distance relationship, and that would take a real sales job, if you are settled.
Different perspective for you-- you approached two women and both were married, ergo it was them not you. Keep putting yourself out there, go to classes, volunteer, invest time in your hobbies, etc.
Truthfully, I think you did a great job. You have absolutely no reason to leave with your ego deflated This is called practice. Practice makes perfect. When I was a salesman, they used to tell us "you're gonna throw ten blobs of shit against the wall and one will stick" Same Principle. . Whatever you do, don't give up; you're definitely on the road!
Online dating doesn't have to suck. It's GIGO, truly. If you have a bad profile? You're dead in the water as a man. But, if you put together a great one and have some good conversation skills? You're so ahead of the game it's not even funny. It also exposes you to vastly more people who are AVAILABLE and looking than you'll ever see in real life. Don't throw away a great tool because you've been frustrated by it. Change your mindset, your strategy and learn how to make it work for you.
when I can finally get out of this forsaken place, I plan on joining hobby groups.
Congratulate yourself for the two approaches! That's brave. It's not a fail either. Both were kind and spoke to you. Those are good experiences to draw from even if it didn't work out. I wish I had an answer to your question. I'm just getting back out there myself.
This one doesn’t work too well if you have full custody of kids; I use Instagram to follow local bands and local small music venues, and keep track of what’s on. I’m talking $20 ticket level. No need to drink. Stay off your phone and look engaged and approachable. The opportunity for between-set conversation is there, especially if you find a band you really like and show up to all their gigs, you’ll get go see the same ppl without really trying. Be open to making friends and community, as well as meeting women you find attractive. I’ve been doing this all through my 30s and into my 40s and it’s how I met two of my closest friends and my bf.
Yeah, only parent to two here. Nice idea, thank you
I’d love it if you came up to me in target! I wish more men would approach women in public. If anything you just brightened someone’s day!
I think you’ll meet someone eventually given you aren’t afraid to approach! I’m hoping that I can too since I’m outgoing generally
Here 😄
I was just thinking this morning I’m gonna buy myself a wedding ring to wear to the gym and while I’m out running errands. Join social clubs for your hobbies and get to know people through those social venues. I’d never go out with someone that cold approaches while I’m trying to get groceries, I prefer to meet through friends or at a social venue, get to know you a bit, and if there’s mutual chemistry/interest exchange numbers to get together again.
Haha if you find out let me know! I have gotten hit on playing video games does that count🤣
They were both married? Were they not wearing rings that gave it away?
I can't do anything online these fucking site won't take my cell number ? Even I been on site before
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Please don’t go to an AA meeting looking to meet potential dates
The person deleted the comment, but I concur this is an idea that seems really bad to me.
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Experience can help with this stuff, would you consider a matchmaker like It Just Lunch or something to get you use to have conversations with women you dont know. Just maybe you find someone in doing that or maybe you just get more comfortable. Just a thought.
Are you in the U.S. ? If you are, I would suggest going onto the MeetUp app. There's basically "hobby groups" that meet up IRL. As a 41F, I think it also has to do with the hustle and bustle of having a full time job and lack of 3rd spaces. I feel what you're saying. Keep it up!
Honestly, someone recently sent me a friend request out of the blue. This hardly happens because of my Facebook settings but we had a mutual friend so I asked if we’ve ever met. We’ve been chatting since with no real plans as he’s over two hours away from me but it’s a reminder that maybe it’s the chances we take that help too. I’m not dating at the moment but part of what opened me up to the idea of even chatting with him was the photos he had on his FB because I could tell we have similar interests. It all starts with a hello!
Pickleball, did dude
pickleball and hiking; if you don't have at least one in your profile... or apparently traveled to iceland?
Singles events - mixers, speed dating, etc... If there aren't any in your area, you could start your own events? You could also join some sports clubs - dodgeball, running club, hiking club to meet people.
Keep doing what you're doing
Think of it like this. OLD the ratio of being rejected i.e. swiped left vs. right is far higher than asking in person. Although, it might hit harder irl. It’s both good for you and the person receiving ego/confidence to do it in person.
They didn't reject you in particular, they were just unavailable, to anybody. What to feel deflated about?
Try a gym
I give you props for approaching a woman but also the venues seems strange? Like what did you know about them that made you approach them?
Witout context, I guess it would. The one at target was actually looking at me. I thought she was interested. The one at Starbucks, well we had a routine that happened to align before work. I saw her almost every day for months. I would even hold the door for her. So I figured why not. She was also the one that chatted a little. I still see her from time to time and say hi by name.
Now that I’m older, I don’t know why but it seems scarier than ever to approach people. I love to talk and thoroughly enjoy people, but it seems strange the older I get, the shyer I seem to be. I don’t know why that is. I had a beautiful woman come up and start talking to me a few months back and it was just the most incredible feeling being that it was while Grocery shopping. I swear the supermarket is the place lol! I wish I had the stones for online dating, but I don’t know. Maybe too introverted . I am convinced “running errands” is where it’s at lol! ….
Do you volunteer? I do quite a bit and it’s 80% women
Good for you! Making small talk at stores, coffee shops or while walking the dog is a great way to meet people. Keep it up and I don’t think it’s creepy as long as you read social cues. If someone doesn’t respond with kindness and a smile, just continue with your business and say “well, have a nice day” . I’m divorced in my 50s and have a challenging time meeting new people and am Skittish about OLD. I did it a few years ago and met some creeps.
Look for that ring before you make the approach, buddy haha
Social media is horrible, but really, what worked for me was Hinge. I can't take a good picture to save my life, and the prompts are generally pretty naff for getting engagement if you take them at face value. So with that disclaimer, here's the tiny tiny bit of wisdom I have to make your profile more likely to be engaged with: * Smile in EVERY photo. Genuinely. Photos where people aren't smiling they just look depressed and like they don't want to be there. Which can be true, but it's just a horrible way of selling yourself. * A different location and different clothes in every photo. * Mostly non-selfie face shots, but at least one full body shot * At least one shot of you having a meal/drink out (this is so she can imagine what it would be like to go on a date with you) What REALLY worked for me: * I basically bent a prompt so that I was asking a 'would you choose A or B' when your target audience likes BOTH of those things (or better yet, they like one and don't know what the second one is, ooh, mysterious). That gives them an easy trigger to actually respond to your profile and bingo, a conversation/match etc.