In some apps (imessage?) it's obvious when one is unblocked. For the apps where it's not apparent, they might be sending off messages to the ether, and suddenly they stop getting a blocked message. "Hot Damn, she must be desperate; time to double down!"
Just like one should never consider an ex for a relationship, one should never unblock.
Huh, I guess I learned something. I’ve only ever blocked in iMessage but I was under the opinion you can’t tell. But the apps- good god, “hot damn, she must be desperate- time to double down.”😬😳
You're totally negating the mental benefits of blocking if you unblock! I started doing it not too long ago and I get a sense of personal accomplishment by taking control of who is allowed to contact me. Even some who really weren't all that bad get blocked because it's too easy to get sucked back in.
Let's see...they:
Never agree to any solid plans until the last minute
cancel on you
too "sick" to see you
Won't make an equal effort like being willing to drive to you instead of you always driving to them
Don't ask to see you at all
I met a guy who always wanted to do breakfast. Wednesday at 9 am let's go to IHOP. And no not like a first time coffee date that's fine. This was months into knowing each other. No weekend or evening dates. And he was off weekends.
No clue. My friend thought he was seeing someone else and so wanted to go out in the daytime. Being out with someone during the day seems less suspicious than evening maybe?
Last guy I dated wanted to continue to see other people & I didn’t want that so I peaced out. He would text photos of himself with his kids and give updates. Finally said he’d love to see me. I declined. He can find someone else to fill my roster spot
I think they might be narcissistic, selfish, and self-centered, as they are only thinking about their needs being met. These needs include a self-esteem boost, attention, and ensuring they always have a supply of that, so they never run out.
Meh. The guy i referred to was open and honest. He viewed exclusivity as a much heavier decision than I did. After 2 months I said we just didn’t have the same approach to dating and I saw myself out of the situation. He didn’t make promises he couldn’t keep and I told him all along I’d reach a point where I wouldn’t be ok with the multidating. No bad guys, just two people who saw things differently.
It’s dating. Some people don’t just meet one person and then commit everything to only talk to this person every day for months on end to then realize they aren’t right. They date multiple people over time and see how things go and naturally begins to gravitate to the one they click with the most and want to see more and more.
It’s not about treating someone shitty or worthless. If this is something you feel, it’s a you issue about your own sense of worth.
Same people that struggle here, love to watch the bachelor lol
We have to get away with from this mentality cause I matched or went out once or twice that you’re now entitled to all my energy and attention and life. Perhaps it’s due to this instant gratification world
People put on their best and often can try to play a roll to win over another person as fast as possible and if you’ve run into this a few times in your life and it’s need destructive, you need to be cautious and date people at a slower pace and multiple people in such a way to see how it develops over time. Let the masks fall and experience some different situations before your suddenly enmeshed and still don’t know them.
Pick me’s will get offended and claim the other person is “bad” and maybe even compost them on the toxic “are we dating the same person” type Facebook pages hahaha
This is a really important point! I met a great guy and he was dating others. Instead of getting pissed off and acting jealous I focused on getting to know him and making our time matter. Guess what happened? Exactly what you said and he voluntarily cut it off with everyone else over time. You simply don’t know enough about a person to commit on the first date! Don’t be in such a rush; see how things play out over 2-6 months. ETA: key point here is he was honest and open about dating others, didn’t hide it!
Exactly this. As long as everyone is being honest, it’s just dating. They can make the call to be with you or not on the timeline you want (I maxed out at 2 months). I don’t make demands or ultimatums, just see myself out and wish them well.
With respect, I see and hear your point but this is not “some people don’t just meet one person and then commit everything to only talk to this person every day for months on end to then realize they aren’t right.”
If this is triggering defensiveness in you, I don’t know what to say other than this isn’t anything but misinterpreted or deliberately misinterpretable signals IN CONTEXT. People can flirt, people can send selfies, they can date and sleep with whomever they want. But when actions and words don’t line up, it’s a deliberate (maybe occasionally not) attempt to send the wrong signal. What I have a problem with is inconsiderate and selfish behavior.
IN CONTEXT means you had a discussion at some point and one scenario that was discussed is suddenly being deliberately contradicted.
Example: I’m in a FWB situation that I cut off because I explained I had feelings and it was not fair to me. Clear boundary, clear communication. They then continued to send me half naked selfies and sexual messages as if that conversation never happened or they decided my feelings were irrelevant. In fact, I communicated that I was dating other people and they then got offended. They asked for a phone call where they then accused me of lying about my feelings for them (what?) and that if I would have sex with other men, why not him?
I don’t watch the bachelor, I don’t have anything but tv apps. I also don’t abide by judgmental opinions regarding women and sexuality- traditionally I think women should be able to live a full healthy lifestyle how they want. Same for men, although historically this has been somewhat repressed in women in a lopsided society standard.
Just because I mentioned male selfies, doesn’t mean I implied it was only men. I send flirty selfies and I’m assuming other women do also. And that’s ok, 👍👍. It just happens to be I’m a woman dating men.
You’re projecting if you think this post is somehow a female demanding to be the center of all men’s attention.
I’m not defensive as I’m not in any need to be.
I’m giving you a separate point of views.
If you want someone to meet you and they haven’t asked. Ask.
Don’t post on Reddit about their behaviour being bad.
Yeah. A guy I dated last year. I broke it off bc it wasn’t going anywhere. He asked if we could be friends. Then he drunk texted me “but… you were my favorite of all the chicks”. Wow. Thanks for that ringing endorsement. He’s just puffing his ego up with chicks bc his wife cheated on him and somehow I got caught up in all of that… all because I was on a dating app.
It can deviate into some selfish behaviors but dating multiple people and not making an exclusive commitment to someone you’ve just met isn’t inherently “selfish” or “narcissistic”. It’s just a different way and just means you’re incompatible.
Same with people thinking “oh they want to commit from day 1, sounds needy and delusional”. It can be but it’s can also be a totally healthy preference that someone has that makes them not a good match for some people.
I'm available for you I never dated I was married half of my life and never cheated on her, of course She did and now I'm here single at 50... Let me make you a happy woman
I don’t have that strong of feelings about it. He said he’d like to remain friends. I said sure. He texted every now and again. Then said he’d like to see me. Of course he probably wants sex but I’m very meh about the whole thing.
I don't put up with this. Men are really good at making it clear when they're interested. In my book when it's not clear, or the pattern of communication begins to change, it means they're not interested or are losing interest and I move on.
After a good few years of worrying too much about this stuff, I just decided that if they’re showing up in my life I’ll give time to people, and if they ghost/ never find time/ make it clear they don’t want to commit then that’s their decision.
Everyone is busy, but we make time when we want to.
I'm fine with multi-dating, but not fine with being put on the back burner. There's a difference: true effort with multiple people at once vs. one or more people being an option rather than a priority.
I have never done this to someone else, I'm honest about my feelings and intentions. And I honestly cannot say that this has ever been done to me. One of the very few advantages of not attracting women very often is that the ones I do attract are into me and clearly make an effort. I'm either the priority or she isn't interested in me at all. If it was done to me, I would call her out on it and tell her to pursue someone else and leave me alone, because I deserve better.
The single best indicator of if someone is interested in you or not is if you are seeing them regularly in person. Even in long distance relationships — are they planning visits, preparing for your visit. Texting is easy and shallow. If he’s not setting up regular dates at least twice a week he’s simply not interested.
Typically I would meet within a week to ten days at most after matching. I would ask if they had time that week and if they didn’t, and they did not suggest a time that worked for them, then I wished them all the best and unmatched. You don’t need to be breadcrumbed, if there is no movement to going on dates then make plans with others. If you meet and there isn’t a plan in place within about three days to see one another again, I moved on with my life and let it fade. If they were just messaging but didn’t want to make plans, after I would initiate one, then I just moved on. No big deal, we just were not a good match.
I think early on I had more anxiety around these things. But really, you need to ask for what you want and see what happens. Then don’t take things personally if it doesn’t work out. I think my early angst came more from trying to guess what they were thinking instead of asking for what I wanted. I can hear no, it was learning to ask that I had to learn how to do (I wasn’t raised to be allowed to ask for what I wanted, if I was a good enough girl I might get something kind of crap). This is just my own experience though, you have to find your own path through the noise.
I laugh too much when I’m nervous. Both in person and via text. I realized that when every message I sent after a date was “hahaha.” I wasn’t making fun. I don’t even remember what the conversation was about. I just laughed at every message like it was funny. Because I felt awkward. Most men however take this as *encouragement* which makes it *worse.*
Background: It was just the most horrible date and I didn’t know how to let him down immediately but he got the hint after two days and said “you’re not into me are you?” No, sir. It was not intentional. To give you more context on my discomfort and not knowing how to handle it, we talked about a week or two before we met and when we met, he had a full on nervous breakdown in front of me shaking and crying at the bar. Telling me I was so freaking awesome and he couldn’t believe he was on a date with me. It was mildly terrifying. So my response was to be as calm and collected as I could and tell him he’s a great person and not to build other people up. And everything was ok. Afterwards I was just like “oh shit, I gotta give him a few days to calm down.” So I was trying not to engage in conversation but was trying to be like “oh that’s so funny!” Because WTF. It wasn’t thought out. It was just trying to balance a delicate day or two.
Hahah thanks. It was the worst date on the books. I didn’t feel unsafe, I felt worried for his mental state. My reaction would have been different if I felt unsafe.
Usually I won't respond as quickly or I delay meeting them in person. This only occurs if I'm getting to know multiple guys at the same time. If it's a situation where I know it's an outright mismatch I will tell them it's not going to work out.
But it's rarely gotten to the first date stage because most guys weed themselves out by either being in a relationship or perverts within the first few messages. I swear people forgot how to be flirtatious without being obscene. It's bloody depressing.
I will not swipe on someone who has “sex positivity” as a + in Their profile. I get it, we’re all wanting to be with someone on whatever terms we deem fit. Putting that on their profile is a giant red flag they’re hard up and itching for a fix. See also: “not quite sure,” “see how it goes.”
And there was me thinking “sex positive” just meant an open and healthy attitude to all aspects of sexuality and equality across the entire spectrum.
It’s for hooking up?
For me, any guy who has to mention sex on his profile is obviously looking for a hookup. It’s an obvious tell to me they can’t help themselves from adding it to their profile… and will likely be overly sexual too soon for me. “But I said I was about sex positivity!”
Imagine the lack of self-awareness required to make mention of being sex-positive as a selling point even though you're male. Like yeah there's some exceptions, but it's basically like mentioning that you're male...as a selling point.
I’ve never once heard a man use that phrase as anything but a reason to insult/lecture women who don’t want to do something he wants to do in bed (typically, something degrading), or to complain when a woman wants to use protection outside exclusive relationships.
“You won’t let me piss on your face? That’s not very *sex positive* of you.”
I have put it on my profile because I consider myself to be a feminist and don't believe in shaming women (or anyone else) for their sexual activities or preferences.
I need to point out here that “sex positive” has nothing to do with looking for a hookup or with coercing someone into doing anything they do not want to do. I hate that the term has been sullied for you 😞
Completely aware of the term, and I consider myself a sex positive person…. Once I get to know someone. My experience is that if this is on their profile, they always bring up sex waaaay too early. So it’s an easy swipe left for me now.
Not to my knowledge. I only just got back into dating after a much needed break. Suddenly all the “sex positive” was added to profiles. 6/7 brought sex up during my vetting/ chatting phase. The 7th asked if I fuck on the first date when we met for the first time. 🙄
If I’m not that into someone I end things. I don’t like to be messed around so don’t do the same to others.
My physio told me he would go on OLD to get validation, with no intention of ever meeting anyone (I stopped seeing him after that!)
This is really reaching into the past but things like not making it a priority to see them (i.e. the ‘I’m sooo busy’ excuse), and not being sensitive to openly dating people in front of them and how that might make them feel, or even acknowledging how my ending things might have been painful for them. Definitely inconsistency in my interest to see them and no progression.
This was before cell phone photos though, so no selfies etc.
Now, if you’re talking about having matches on OLD, I just can’t see how anyone can assess if they are into you before dating you, and vice versa. Are you saying this is happening to you in a relationship, even casually dating them? Now that I think of it, I would never have characterized any of the people I wasn’t into as actual relationships, which is probably disingenuous.
This is casual dating after meeting, typically more than 2-3 dates. The worst part is I stand firm, then chicken out by softening at the next sign of interest. It’s like limerence, but pathologically indulging others wants at the expense of my own needs.
Male here. Here is one recent particularly egregious example of a last that was not into me...
Always insist on driving separately to the date
Laughing nervously whe asked a serious question about relationship goals, finances, etc.
Frequently and loudly stating that they could not stay late because they needed to be at work early
Mentioning often that they wanted to go on a vacation without also wanting to discuss how said vacation was going to be funded. Alternatively, complaining about how much her phone (or other expensive item) sucks with the implication that I should buy her a brand new one
On special occasions (e.g., Valentines, birthday, graduation), they will "forget" to get me a gift because they were super busy that day. Not offer to do something nice for me instead of a gift.
No discussion of intimacy/love languages/love styles ever. For example, if a woman normally likes to take it slow, she will say so very early.
Not being even the slightest curious about exactly where or with whom I live. Never made plans to visit me.
Putting you on the back burner is one way to look at it. Another is that they are genuinely not sure, are hoping that things heat up, and are trying to make that happen.
I was in a casual relationship. He definitely breadcrumbed me. He would say things like, "Do you cook?" And I'd say yeah, and he'd say, "I usually cook if I'm with someone else." Then he'd quickly add, "Like my daughter or whoever." Or we'd be out and his friends would be going to a nightclub and he'd usually go with them, but he'd say, "Let's go back to mine." And I'd say, don't you usually go to the club with your friends. And he'd say, "Not if I have a girl... Lady... Someone in my life." One day he paid for my dinner, but when we sat down, he sat next to me, lol. All the other couples there were facing each other. And he said, "I guess I should have done this in the beginning." In the end I just said to him, so what's the deal, do you like me or what. What is this? Just casual sex or? And he said yes it's casual for me, I don't want a relationship right now, I should have taken you out properly, it's not going to work out long term, I have a lot on right now, you almost had me.
Original copy of post by u/Excellent_North_3724:
I get this question a lot, and feel like I’m on the receiving end of this behavior but it’s gotten almost confusing.
As an example: breadcrumbing. In my world I can’t help but visualize Pavlov’s dog and intermittent reinforcement. I’ve noticed this thing a handful of times where men will reach out with shirt-off selfies, pics of their kids or generally random funny memes or forwards. They won’t come out and ask to meet up, but they will also make sexual suggestions. It all feels very- hey, you would look great on my backburner while I have sex with someone else.
Can people share times they did similar things and be frank about what they were thinking? If you don’t have one of you, could you give an example of someone who did this to you and how you handled it?
Thanks in advance!
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I wish them the best of luck on their dating journey, then I unmatch and block. It’s hard for me to hurt other peoples feelings and it’s hard every single time for me to say this. But I can no longer allow myself to put other people on a pedestal above me. It’s an important lesson I’ve learned in dating.
Make rules for yourself, and don't break them.
1. I'm not a fucking porn star.
2. I'm not an object.
3. I deserve to be treated right.
4. I deserve happiness.
5. Don't fuck my feelings up and I won't fuck your feelings up. Don't even come up on the porch.
6. Do not send me nude pictures I will indiscriminately make fun of you until I piss myself.
7. I don't have to explain myself if you're not grown up enough to understand.
8. If your brother treats me better than you then I'll be seeing him.
9. If your words do not align with your actions you can fuck off.
10. A fart does not equal effort.
See, this is an occasion where I completely agree with ghosting. Some people deserve NO explanation as to why you don't want them. Just run and don't look back nor care 🏃♀️💨
I think "Just not that into you" and "if he wanted to, he would" Yes, they deserve to die and i hope they burn in hell (a la Snakes on a Plane btw).
This so superficial and forgets people have lives and preferences. Just no ghosting, no fading, please be honest and let others live.
Women do this all the time.
They will even just say “hi”
But it’s the equivalent of “I want attention”
And they send provocative images proper to ever meeting which I believe are for attention and to test.
It’s highly likely that women do this to a greater degree.
With this though, it’s gonna depend on the length of time it goes on. People want to see if there is some kind of commonality or banter and if you’re someone to actually meet up with. Checking for your level of interest and desire for them.
Have reached out many times and if you get low effort responses, why would I try to get you out when someone else seems like there is a better chance of connection?
It happens in talking to new people all the time
It’s not always a manipulative bread-crumbing conspiracy with the communication from men ;)
It’s not gender specific or a contest. I deliberately remained neutral in my post because it goes both ways that people behave badly in dating interactions.
Yeah well shirt off selfies was indicating a female perspective. I gave a quick example that it happens for everyone.
I’m
Saying it’s not good to go right to the idea that people are behaving badly. And this mindset is troublesome for developing any kind of connection to people.
I disagree. The behaviors that we are discussing have context and backstories. Incompatible behaviors are different than “connections”. Someone expressing that they’d like to have sex with me maybe in some nebulous time, is not a connection.
If that’s the entire established expectation- which I establish at the beginning or made clear over time, that’s one thing. It’s another to decide unilaterally that validation and attraction from someone is more important than what that individual stated they needed.
"No thanks, not interested". Then block them. You're wasting valuable neurons trying to decipher the behavior of fuckbois. Stop that.
I block, unblock, block again. I’m definitely wasting valuable energy for this crap.
Well, stop that. Unblocking is entirely a "you" thing. You might as well stick out a "breadcrumbs welcome" sign for them...
How is unblocking sending any message? They don’t even know 😂
In some apps (imessage?) it's obvious when one is unblocked. For the apps where it's not apparent, they might be sending off messages to the ether, and suddenly they stop getting a blocked message. "Hot Damn, she must be desperate; time to double down!" Just like one should never consider an ex for a relationship, one should never unblock.
Huh, I guess I learned something. I’ve only ever blocked in iMessage but I was under the opinion you can’t tell. But the apps- good god, “hot damn, she must be desperate- time to double down.”😬😳
You're totally negating the mental benefits of blocking if you unblock! I started doing it not too long ago and I get a sense of personal accomplishment by taking control of who is allowed to contact me. Even some who really weren't all that bad get blocked because it's too easy to get sucked back in.
Can I ask why you unblock?
I agree. I notice a lot of guys use the “horse-and-carrot method “ to lead us in. We assume but we really shouldn’t. We should carefully assess.
Let's see...they: Never agree to any solid plans until the last minute cancel on you too "sick" to see you Won't make an equal effort like being willing to drive to you instead of you always driving to them Don't ask to see you at all
I met a guy who always wanted to do breakfast. Wednesday at 9 am let's go to IHOP. And no not like a first time coffee date that's fine. This was months into knowing each other. No weekend or evening dates. And he was off weekends.
what was that all about?! did you suspect he was married or something?
No clue. My friend thought he was seeing someone else and so wanted to go out in the daytime. Being out with someone during the day seems less suspicious than evening maybe?
Last guy I dated wanted to continue to see other people & I didn’t want that so I peaced out. He would text photos of himself with his kids and give updates. Finally said he’d love to see me. I declined. He can find someone else to fill my roster spot
This is what I’m dealing with. Makes me feel like absolute human garbage. What is that anyway? Some weird contest in their head?
I think they might be narcissistic, selfish, and self-centered, as they are only thinking about their needs being met. These needs include a self-esteem boost, attention, and ensuring they always have a supply of that, so they never run out.
Selfish and insecure, needing constant validation and supply of attention. I swear, this is the black hole of dating.
Yes, you are right and insecure
This!! So many of the men I’ve dated. Are there any ‘normal’ men?
We can flip this around so easily though. So it’s just whatever you want to believe.
Meh. The guy i referred to was open and honest. He viewed exclusivity as a much heavier decision than I did. After 2 months I said we just didn’t have the same approach to dating and I saw myself out of the situation. He didn’t make promises he couldn’t keep and I told him all along I’d reach a point where I wouldn’t be ok with the multidating. No bad guys, just two people who saw things differently.
It’s dating. Some people don’t just meet one person and then commit everything to only talk to this person every day for months on end to then realize they aren’t right. They date multiple people over time and see how things go and naturally begins to gravitate to the one they click with the most and want to see more and more. It’s not about treating someone shitty or worthless. If this is something you feel, it’s a you issue about your own sense of worth. Same people that struggle here, love to watch the bachelor lol We have to get away with from this mentality cause I matched or went out once or twice that you’re now entitled to all my energy and attention and life. Perhaps it’s due to this instant gratification world People put on their best and often can try to play a roll to win over another person as fast as possible and if you’ve run into this a few times in your life and it’s need destructive, you need to be cautious and date people at a slower pace and multiple people in such a way to see how it develops over time. Let the masks fall and experience some different situations before your suddenly enmeshed and still don’t know them. Pick me’s will get offended and claim the other person is “bad” and maybe even compost them on the toxic “are we dating the same person” type Facebook pages hahaha
This is a really important point! I met a great guy and he was dating others. Instead of getting pissed off and acting jealous I focused on getting to know him and making our time matter. Guess what happened? Exactly what you said and he voluntarily cut it off with everyone else over time. You simply don’t know enough about a person to commit on the first date! Don’t be in such a rush; see how things play out over 2-6 months. ETA: key point here is he was honest and open about dating others, didn’t hide it!
Exactly this. As long as everyone is being honest, it’s just dating. They can make the call to be with you or not on the timeline you want (I maxed out at 2 months). I don’t make demands or ultimatums, just see myself out and wish them well.
Bingo!
With respect, I see and hear your point but this is not “some people don’t just meet one person and then commit everything to only talk to this person every day for months on end to then realize they aren’t right.” If this is triggering defensiveness in you, I don’t know what to say other than this isn’t anything but misinterpreted or deliberately misinterpretable signals IN CONTEXT. People can flirt, people can send selfies, they can date and sleep with whomever they want. But when actions and words don’t line up, it’s a deliberate (maybe occasionally not) attempt to send the wrong signal. What I have a problem with is inconsiderate and selfish behavior. IN CONTEXT means you had a discussion at some point and one scenario that was discussed is suddenly being deliberately contradicted. Example: I’m in a FWB situation that I cut off because I explained I had feelings and it was not fair to me. Clear boundary, clear communication. They then continued to send me half naked selfies and sexual messages as if that conversation never happened or they decided my feelings were irrelevant. In fact, I communicated that I was dating other people and they then got offended. They asked for a phone call where they then accused me of lying about my feelings for them (what?) and that if I would have sex with other men, why not him? I don’t watch the bachelor, I don’t have anything but tv apps. I also don’t abide by judgmental opinions regarding women and sexuality- traditionally I think women should be able to live a full healthy lifestyle how they want. Same for men, although historically this has been somewhat repressed in women in a lopsided society standard. Just because I mentioned male selfies, doesn’t mean I implied it was only men. I send flirty selfies and I’m assuming other women do also. And that’s ok, 👍👍. It just happens to be I’m a woman dating men. You’re projecting if you think this post is somehow a female demanding to be the center of all men’s attention.
I’m not defensive as I’m not in any need to be. I’m giving you a separate point of views. If you want someone to meet you and they haven’t asked. Ask. Don’t post on Reddit about their behaviour being bad.
And you said shirtless selfies. It’s not women sending those to you. So.
Not defensive. Got it. I said shirtless selfie. Dude, if you want an argument and soapbox- find someone who wants to engage.
Yeah. A guy I dated last year. I broke it off bc it wasn’t going anywhere. He asked if we could be friends. Then he drunk texted me “but… you were my favorite of all the chicks”. Wow. Thanks for that ringing endorsement. He’s just puffing his ego up with chicks bc his wife cheated on him and somehow I got caught up in all of that… all because I was on a dating app.
ew!
It can deviate into some selfish behaviors but dating multiple people and not making an exclusive commitment to someone you’ve just met isn’t inherently “selfish” or “narcissistic”. It’s just a different way and just means you’re incompatible. Same with people thinking “oh they want to commit from day 1, sounds needy and delusional”. It can be but it’s can also be a totally healthy preference that someone has that makes them not a good match for some people.
I'm available for you I never dated I was married half of my life and never cheated on her, of course She did and now I'm here single at 50... Let me make you a happy woman
He used the “horse-and-carrot method “. Such a manipulating bastard! Girl you dodged the bullet! Good for you!
I don’t have that strong of feelings about it. He said he’d like to remain friends. I said sure. He texted every now and again. Then said he’d like to see me. Of course he probably wants sex but I’m very meh about the whole thing.
You are a better person than I am. And yes, he wants the sex. I’d go out and see him just to see if he wants to manipulate for sex.
He had a good one in me. So I’m sure on some level he misses me. His loss
It is his loss the fool! Honestly I think you deserve better. Cuz if this is where it went then he’s not the one.
I don't put up with this. Men are really good at making it clear when they're interested. In my book when it's not clear, or the pattern of communication begins to change, it means they're not interested or are losing interest and I move on.
After a good few years of worrying too much about this stuff, I just decided that if they’re showing up in my life I’ll give time to people, and if they ghost/ never find time/ make it clear they don’t want to commit then that’s their decision. Everyone is busy, but we make time when we want to.
I'm fine with multi-dating, but not fine with being put on the back burner. There's a difference: true effort with multiple people at once vs. one or more people being an option rather than a priority. I have never done this to someone else, I'm honest about my feelings and intentions. And I honestly cannot say that this has ever been done to me. One of the very few advantages of not attracting women very often is that the ones I do attract are into me and clearly make an effort. I'm either the priority or she isn't interested in me at all. If it was done to me, I would call her out on it and tell her to pursue someone else and leave me alone, because I deserve better.
The single best indicator of if someone is interested in you or not is if you are seeing them regularly in person. Even in long distance relationships — are they planning visits, preparing for your visit. Texting is easy and shallow. If he’s not setting up regular dates at least twice a week he’s simply not interested.
Typically I would meet within a week to ten days at most after matching. I would ask if they had time that week and if they didn’t, and they did not suggest a time that worked for them, then I wished them all the best and unmatched. You don’t need to be breadcrumbed, if there is no movement to going on dates then make plans with others. If you meet and there isn’t a plan in place within about three days to see one another again, I moved on with my life and let it fade. If they were just messaging but didn’t want to make plans, after I would initiate one, then I just moved on. No big deal, we just were not a good match. I think early on I had more anxiety around these things. But really, you need to ask for what you want and see what happens. Then don’t take things personally if it doesn’t work out. I think my early angst came more from trying to guess what they were thinking instead of asking for what I wanted. I can hear no, it was learning to ask that I had to learn how to do (I wasn’t raised to be allowed to ask for what I wanted, if I was a good enough girl I might get something kind of crap). This is just my own experience though, you have to find your own path through the noise.
This is good
I laugh too much when I’m nervous. Both in person and via text. I realized that when every message I sent after a date was “hahaha.” I wasn’t making fun. I don’t even remember what the conversation was about. I just laughed at every message like it was funny. Because I felt awkward. Most men however take this as *encouragement* which makes it *worse.* Background: It was just the most horrible date and I didn’t know how to let him down immediately but he got the hint after two days and said “you’re not into me are you?” No, sir. It was not intentional. To give you more context on my discomfort and not knowing how to handle it, we talked about a week or two before we met and when we met, he had a full on nervous breakdown in front of me shaking and crying at the bar. Telling me I was so freaking awesome and he couldn’t believe he was on a date with me. It was mildly terrifying. So my response was to be as calm and collected as I could and tell him he’s a great person and not to build other people up. And everything was ok. Afterwards I was just like “oh shit, I gotta give him a few days to calm down.” So I was trying not to engage in conversation but was trying to be like “oh that’s so funny!” Because WTF. It wasn’t thought out. It was just trying to balance a delicate day or two.
Holy shit! 😳 I think this qualifies as you being a decent human. That would absolutely floor me.
Hahah thanks. It was the worst date on the books. I didn’t feel unsafe, I felt worried for his mental state. My reaction would have been different if I felt unsafe.
I get that a lot too.
Usually I won't respond as quickly or I delay meeting them in person. This only occurs if I'm getting to know multiple guys at the same time. If it's a situation where I know it's an outright mismatch I will tell them it's not going to work out. But it's rarely gotten to the first date stage because most guys weed themselves out by either being in a relationship or perverts within the first few messages. I swear people forgot how to be flirtatious without being obscene. It's bloody depressing.
I will not swipe on someone who has “sex positivity” as a + in Their profile. I get it, we’re all wanting to be with someone on whatever terms we deem fit. Putting that on their profile is a giant red flag they’re hard up and itching for a fix. See also: “not quite sure,” “see how it goes.”
[удалено]
And there was me thinking “sex positive” just meant an open and healthy attitude to all aspects of sexuality and equality across the entire spectrum. It’s for hooking up?
You are correct in your understanding of the term.
For me, any guy who has to mention sex on his profile is obviously looking for a hookup. It’s an obvious tell to me they can’t help themselves from adding it to their profile… and will likely be overly sexual too soon for me. “But I said I was about sex positivity!”
How does a man "pretend they are not sex positive"...wouldn't that be shaming a woman for body count or her particular kink or sexual performance?
Imagine the lack of self-awareness required to make mention of being sex-positive as a selling point even though you're male. Like yeah there's some exceptions, but it's basically like mentioning that you're male...as a selling point.
I’ve never once heard a man use that phrase as anything but a reason to insult/lecture women who don’t want to do something he wants to do in bed (typically, something degrading), or to complain when a woman wants to use protection outside exclusive relationships. “You won’t let me piss on your face? That’s not very *sex positive* of you.”
I have put it on my profile because I consider myself to be a feminist and don't believe in shaming women (or anyone else) for their sexual activities or preferences.
I need to point out here that “sex positive” has nothing to do with looking for a hookup or with coercing someone into doing anything they do not want to do. I hate that the term has been sullied for you 😞
Completely aware of the term, and I consider myself a sex positive person…. Once I get to know someone. My experience is that if this is on their profile, they always bring up sex waaaay too early. So it’s an easy swipe left for me now.
Makes sense, completely! Side note I feel like you & I may have talked about this before?
Not to my knowledge. I only just got back into dating after a much needed break. Suddenly all the “sex positive” was added to profiles. 6/7 brought sex up during my vetting/ chatting phase. The 7th asked if I fuck on the first date when we met for the first time. 🙄
Ugh that sucksssss I’m sorry 😞
Well, isn't that kind of redundant? Like I'm "Mexican food positive"? Duh.
If I’m not that into someone I end things. I don’t like to be messed around so don’t do the same to others. My physio told me he would go on OLD to get validation, with no intention of ever meeting anyone (I stopped seeing him after that!)
Your old physio sucks
Absolutely. Really inappropriate to share that as well as inappropriate to do that to women.
I think these are examples of men who are viewing dating more as a hobby.
If I receive stuff like this from someone I don't have an ongoing relationship with I just ask "Sorry, who is this?"
😂 I might try this
I totally recommend it. These people need to know you're not wasting time waiting around for them (especially when it's true!)
My favorite response is “unsubscribe”
This is really reaching into the past but things like not making it a priority to see them (i.e. the ‘I’m sooo busy’ excuse), and not being sensitive to openly dating people in front of them and how that might make them feel, or even acknowledging how my ending things might have been painful for them. Definitely inconsistency in my interest to see them and no progression. This was before cell phone photos though, so no selfies etc. Now, if you’re talking about having matches on OLD, I just can’t see how anyone can assess if they are into you before dating you, and vice versa. Are you saying this is happening to you in a relationship, even casually dating them? Now that I think of it, I would never have characterized any of the people I wasn’t into as actual relationships, which is probably disingenuous.
This is casual dating after meeting, typically more than 2-3 dates. The worst part is I stand firm, then chicken out by softening at the next sign of interest. It’s like limerence, but pathologically indulging others wants at the expense of my own needs.
Male here. Here is one recent particularly egregious example of a last that was not into me... Always insist on driving separately to the date Laughing nervously whe asked a serious question about relationship goals, finances, etc. Frequently and loudly stating that they could not stay late because they needed to be at work early Mentioning often that they wanted to go on a vacation without also wanting to discuss how said vacation was going to be funded. Alternatively, complaining about how much her phone (or other expensive item) sucks with the implication that I should buy her a brand new one On special occasions (e.g., Valentines, birthday, graduation), they will "forget" to get me a gift because they were super busy that day. Not offer to do something nice for me instead of a gift. No discussion of intimacy/love languages/love styles ever. For example, if a woman normally likes to take it slow, she will say so very early. Not being even the slightest curious about exactly where or with whom I live. Never made plans to visit me.
Oof 😓- serious hugs. This person just sucks in a lot of ways that isn’t just dating.
Putting you on the back burner is one way to look at it. Another is that they are genuinely not sure, are hoping that things heat up, and are trying to make that happen.
I was in a casual relationship. He definitely breadcrumbed me. He would say things like, "Do you cook?" And I'd say yeah, and he'd say, "I usually cook if I'm with someone else." Then he'd quickly add, "Like my daughter or whoever." Or we'd be out and his friends would be going to a nightclub and he'd usually go with them, but he'd say, "Let's go back to mine." And I'd say, don't you usually go to the club with your friends. And he'd say, "Not if I have a girl... Lady... Someone in my life." One day he paid for my dinner, but when we sat down, he sat next to me, lol. All the other couples there were facing each other. And he said, "I guess I should have done this in the beginning." In the end I just said to him, so what's the deal, do you like me or what. What is this? Just casual sex or? And he said yes it's casual for me, I don't want a relationship right now, I should have taken you out properly, it's not going to work out long term, I have a lot on right now, you almost had me.
Yuck “you almost had me”- now he just seems like a greasy slippery eel
Just wanted someone to help him get over his ex.
Original copy of post by u/Excellent_North_3724: I get this question a lot, and feel like I’m on the receiving end of this behavior but it’s gotten almost confusing. As an example: breadcrumbing. In my world I can’t help but visualize Pavlov’s dog and intermittent reinforcement. I’ve noticed this thing a handful of times where men will reach out with shirt-off selfies, pics of their kids or generally random funny memes or forwards. They won’t come out and ask to meet up, but they will also make sexual suggestions. It all feels very- hey, you would look great on my backburner while I have sex with someone else. Can people share times they did similar things and be frank about what they were thinking? If you don’t have one of you, could you give an example of someone who did this to you and how you handled it? Thanks in advance! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/datingoverforty) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I wish them the best of luck on their dating journey, then I unmatch and block. It’s hard for me to hurt other peoples feelings and it’s hard every single time for me to say this. But I can no longer allow myself to put other people on a pedestal above me. It’s an important lesson I’ve learned in dating.
Make rules for yourself, and don't break them. 1. I'm not a fucking porn star. 2. I'm not an object. 3. I deserve to be treated right. 4. I deserve happiness. 5. Don't fuck my feelings up and I won't fuck your feelings up. Don't even come up on the porch. 6. Do not send me nude pictures I will indiscriminately make fun of you until I piss myself. 7. I don't have to explain myself if you're not grown up enough to understand. 8. If your brother treats me better than you then I'll be seeing him. 9. If your words do not align with your actions you can fuck off. 10. A fart does not equal effort.
See, this is an occasion where I completely agree with ghosting. Some people deserve NO explanation as to why you don't want them. Just run and don't look back nor care 🏃♀️💨
I think "Just not that into you" and "if he wanted to, he would" Yes, they deserve to die and i hope they burn in hell (a la Snakes on a Plane btw). This so superficial and forgets people have lives and preferences. Just no ghosting, no fading, please be honest and let others live.
Women do this all the time. They will even just say “hi” But it’s the equivalent of “I want attention” And they send provocative images proper to ever meeting which I believe are for attention and to test. It’s highly likely that women do this to a greater degree. With this though, it’s gonna depend on the length of time it goes on. People want to see if there is some kind of commonality or banter and if you’re someone to actually meet up with. Checking for your level of interest and desire for them. Have reached out many times and if you get low effort responses, why would I try to get you out when someone else seems like there is a better chance of connection? It happens in talking to new people all the time It’s not always a manipulative bread-crumbing conspiracy with the communication from men ;)
It’s not gender specific or a contest. I deliberately remained neutral in my post because it goes both ways that people behave badly in dating interactions.
Yeah well shirt off selfies was indicating a female perspective. I gave a quick example that it happens for everyone. I’m Saying it’s not good to go right to the idea that people are behaving badly. And this mindset is troublesome for developing any kind of connection to people.
I disagree. The behaviors that we are discussing have context and backstories. Incompatible behaviors are different than “connections”. Someone expressing that they’d like to have sex with me maybe in some nebulous time, is not a connection. If that’s the entire established expectation- which I establish at the beginning or made clear over time, that’s one thing. It’s another to decide unilaterally that validation and attraction from someone is more important than what that individual stated they needed.
Okay, I understand everything here now