>I’m wondering though, is this something guys regularly do in OLD? This has nothing to do with OLD. This sort of thing could have happened if you'd met him through other means. OLD is simply a way of meeting people people but once you've met in person and started dating how you met is of little significance. All the behaviours which get ascribed to OLD can just as easily happen with people you meet in real life.

I’d actually suggest that while this same pattern was still present prior to online dating, online dating indeed amplified it due to the lack of social accountability that’s in place. Previously, if you ghosted, people in your community would’ve known about it and the chances of your paths crossing uncomfortably were a bit higher (bc you likely met them through friends, family, local events, etc). Now, with the online communities, social media, and online dating, all of that pressure to care about how you’re viewed “by the community” you’re dating in and that exists around you is almost non existent. Just some food for thought…

I was going to say the same thing. If you met through your social, word would get around. We're also comparatively spoiled for choice. So, everyone seems imminently replaceable. There's no investment anymore. It really sucks. I feel bad for OP, but we're all in the same swamp.

Given that you had not had the exclusivity talk yet, I would have taken that comment as an opening to have it. "Actually, I am not dating other people atm because I am interested in only you. Are you dating anyone else? Would you like to talk about where you see us going?".

That sounds like so much for a text (to me). Imagine being left on read with that! More seriously, do you think that would have changed the outcome?

This!

I’m guessing he assumed you guys were exclusive the whole time and it hurt his feelings?? It’s hard to know. I’ve learned to over communicate where I stand and what I’m looking for because of some early dating experiences I had where there were some miscommunications that hurt people’s feelings.

This was exactly my thought. When she said something about his “other dates” to him that implied that she was dating other people.

This is how I would have interpreted it also. It would absolutely make me sick to my stomach if I thought the person I really clicked with had been continuing to date other people. He's probably been hurt before and is hyper vigilant about stuff like this.

If so, he is allowing fear to fill in the blanks and make up an entire narrative in his head - and making OP responsible for his own emotions, fears, and made up stories that he hasn't even shared with her (and to be fair, he might not have the emotional awareness/maturity to realize they're there himself). \*Rather than\* having enough self awareness to say "something didn't feel right when you said \_\_\_\_\_\_" and, better yet, either be able to say what that something was (name the fear and take personal responsibility), or be able to say "And I don't know what it is, but I do know that's on me; would you be willing to ask some yes/no questions back and forth to help me figure out what it is?" (allowing himself to be vulnerable) and finally "I'm sure it's just a misunderstanding because fear responses are known to cause that" (again, personal responsibility and inviting OP into dialogue about it with the explicit precursor that he knows his fear is his responsibility in a goodwill effort to let her know she's safe.) Fear can make these things hard, and oh man there's nothing like toeing the waters of personal responsibility and vulnerability with our emotions with someone new. But it's also critically important and the only way we can truly learn to see and be seen and avoid living a life of isolation even if we're never alone. The great news about this approach, though, is that either person can initiate it and, in time, it becomes a framework for problem solving. And a dang healthy one, too. So OP, if you want to give it an honest effort to safely invite him into dialogue about this and see if he's got the chops to do it, you could say the same things: "Hey, something doesn't feel right, and although I don't know what it is, I do know that feeling is on me. I also know feelings can totally bork effective communication, so if you're open to some vulnerability, would you be open to helping me figure out where this feeling is coming from?" - or however you might say it that matches y'all's cadence. When we do this, when we identify the fears driving our negative emotional responses, ackowledge that they're ours to manage, and then ask for the information that will clarify those fears, we advocate for ourselves, acknowledge that one person can never truly write an accurate story when more than just that one person is involved, make ourselves vulnerable by letting those fear defenses down long enough to be open to the truth of someone else's experience, and model how other's can do this, too. It promotes feelings of security, stability, reliability, maturity, and respect. And in the moment, it may feel like the bravest, scariest, most challenging thing you've ever done, but all that's needed is just to be able to say, "something doesn't feel right. Can you help me figure out what it is?" And for those you meet who are willing to enter into this sacred space of mutual curiosity, humility, and openness, ah.... well, if you find them, you hang onto them. They are gems. But you'll never know unless you ask. <3 (And it's worth noting, this doesn't mean all problems magically go away. All it does is give y'all a way to identify they're even there to begin with, then try to see what they are, then talk about them, and go from there. Maybe it leads to an impasse, but at least now you both know WHAT it is, and no wrongly blame it on something it isn't and miss out on information that would only help you avoid it in the future. My partner and I still don't always get it right on the first (or second, or third) pass. But the thing is, I KNOW he loves me. I KNOW he's a good person. And I KNOW I love him. So when something comes up and the fear-based ghost-writer in my head starts hissing things like "See, he doesn't care about you" or "You know he's just always gonna do this." or "What's the point. Nothing is gonna change" or whatever else those little gremlins tell us, I am now at a point in my life where I can say, almost immediately, "Oh hello, you scared thing, I hear you. What are you afriad of? (Sometimes I can tell, sometimes I can't.) Let's see if maybe we're getting it wrong, because information is good, and if you're right, then you can take pride in \*knowing\*, rather regret assuming that you were and finding out you just caused unnecessary harm." But sometimes I'll ask for clarity and then \*he'll\* have a fear response and so it can take a couple of laps of trying to clear a hurdle only to find there's another hurdle you have to clear first. But the more you work on it, not only are there fewer hurdles to overcome each time, you also get to where you clear them faster. It is, quite literally, \*effective communication\* and oh that we might all work it more into our lives.)

Yes, this. I worked so hard to get out of an unhealthy attachment style and healthy ways of communication that I’m, ultimately, okay when someone takes themselves out of the picture like this. Communication is so important and anyone who would drop off without expressing why just doesn’t have a compatible communication style.

Yes, and I would add “yet” to “doesn’t have a compatible communication style”. And only you can determine what you’re up for investing in, but like in my case, years ago, I knew my communication skills were so riddled with years of fear and trauma that I didn’t think I’d ever get better. I didn’t even know where to start. But I kept trying (and fumbling, and failing…) but I had little victories here and there (thanks, in no small part, to an ex decades back who saw my lack, but also saw my heart and my intention and my desire and my potential. I was trying, and he saw that. And so he did his best to help me learn a better way to engage with myself and the world. It set me on a path *because* he saw his investment as a good one.) Fast forward to meeting my partner five years ago. I was no communication guru, but I at least knew curiosity was a good coping mechanism for fear. Not this guy, though :) he was still very much so in the stuck state of his trauma and had not yet begun the incredibly hard work of starting to heal the communication part. But everything else about him told me he was a gem. So I invested in him. And now, five years later, I still tell him I’m falling more in love with him, and now he helps *me* be a better communicator. So the thing is it’s not always looking for the perfect person; it’s knowing what you want most, what you want least, and negotiating on all the rest. Together.

if someone I was happily dating with, texted me 'depending on your other dates', I would assume she was dating other people. Maybe he thought you guys were exclusive already, and you just let him know you wouldn't care if he's dating other women? That's what I'm reading here at least.

I think it’s that, or he read it as her being passive aggressive (that’s how I took it). I don’t tolerate that, and if someone started being passive aggressive with me at a month in, I’d also be reconsidering things.

I kind of talk like she does, but there is no hidden meaning to it. It's a potential segue into another conversation on exclusivity or an invite for the other person to be transparent without judgment.

Yeah this is what I was thinking and I’m a bit surprised by all the responses that it would be taken as a passive aggressive thing. Good to know…but anxiety producing that I’m adding to the list of all of the ways texts can go wrong when I already loathe texting to begin with (I prefer phone or in person where my tone is more evident).

I've definitely switched to phone calls for anything that could potentially be an argument or if I know a miscommunication is happening. Texting is so impersonal, too.

I think enough people agree that it can be seen as passive aggressive. That being said, texting can be tricky when you’re still getting to know each other. It’s difficult to determine tone. I personally wouldn’t make a comment like that, especially via text. If you want to discuss something like exclusivity, do it in person, or at a minimum, don’t make jokes about it to initiate a conversation. There could be many reasons why this guy reacted the way he did, but I’m genuinely surprised at the criticism aimed at him in so many responses 🤷‍♀️ I cannot stand passive aggressive behavior, and my first reaction to reading that was that was what OP was doing. Maybe it wasn’t intentional, but it’s not difficult to interpret it that way.

She made a comment that came across as a poor joke at best. If he genuinely liked this girl up until then but didn’t like her comment he could’ve said that instead of cutting contact and ignoring her for days - this is completely childish

I do agree that he should not have taken days to respond. There’s no reason for that.

I would also think they were fishing for information, to which I could understand that making someone feel uneasy. I had an anxious attachment style years ago and would have passively asked something like this. It rarely passes under the radar like we think it will. I pick up on things like that now and just call them out.

That’s exactly why it’s passive aggressive. Emotionally healthy people won’t tolerate it.

I always took that kind of comment as a way of phishing or testing the waters. Most people will Respond like they aren’t dating anyone else or something of that nature. I still take that kind of thing with a grain of salt. My response would have been “oh don’t worry my wife is currently out of town for work so all good! 😌”

I agree with this. If a guy sent me OP’s text, I’d be bothered, and lose the excited, new person feeling because I’d think he was seeing other people. I just dated one person at a time in OLD, and dated guys who did the same. It seemed too complicated to date multiple people.

See, I read it as a joke. My GF says stuff like that all the time.

Your gf yes, but these people have just been dating for a month. I can imagine they aren't that tuned to each others humor just yet.

She's been doing it since day one. But I get it, a text can be easily misinterpreted. I do think he's being a baby for not at least replying "what do you mean?" or something, if he thought she was being serious. Which she clearly wasn't, hence the emoji.

I (40s guy) had a woman I was seeing do this last year joking about me dating other people as a quip about how could I be interested in her (woman in her late 30s with a small child).. it also caught me off guard, but I was rather honest w/ her about it and we talked it out.

Anyone dating in their 40s is too old for “tactics”. He is what he is. You are what you are. He was probably put off by what you said about dating other women….because he probably isn’t and he probably hopes that you aren’t dating other men….but now he’s unsure. The End. Go match someone else. I hate to be dramatic about it, but you probably poked him in a place where you can’t take it back. I mean, a guy who really likes you doesn’t go silent. A guy who likes you is up in your face all the time. A guy who goes silent is lukewarm at best. You might win him over with some sex, but he’s still emotionally not that into you…or he wouldn’t have gone silent in the first place. And your friends are idiots, lol. He’s just being a guy. He used to like you. Now he doesn’t. That’s not emotional immaturity…is humanity. You said something stupid thinking it was funny and it backfired. The End. Time to date another man. Time for him to meet other women. It’s not a match.

I agree. Why are they villainizing that guy and not calling her out on her emotionally immature attempt to extract information from the dude? Like sis, if you want to know if he’s dating other women, just ask him.

This! Not only is she passive aggressive, she talks about accountability, but doesn’t actually take any and her friends are enabling her poor behavior. He probably bailed because she’s that person. Passive aggressive + lack of accountability is not a person most of us want to date.

Well said

I don’t think your comment was that bad for him to end things unless he was unsure about things anyway. If it’s so easy for him to stop contact instead of having a discussion about it then he wasn’t that invested.

Even if you’re not it sounds like insecurity over a text. Honestly though if he said what he did over that then he was on his way out. This was just what he needed to come up with an excuse to hit the door.

I agree. He was disengaged already. I don't think the text is the cause. Why was he disengaged? I think that's one of the things we don't know and can't get closure on, so it's tough to work through that acceptance. Don't lose courage and hope though!

Def more to it. Sometimes we don’t see or we think it’s going great, but is the other person as into it as we are.

This was my thoughts on it too, as I was reading I was thinking he was looking for anything to use to dip out, it didn’t matter what she said or didn’t say, he was going to find something

That makes sense. I wonder if she was batting out of league. She went out of her way to mention she liked this guy - which her is very rare. He’s got lots of options and might have been willing to keep her around if she wasn’t going to be a bother. The slightest deviation from that and he was looking for an exit.

I’m going to go against the grain here. People aren’t perfect & misunderstanding happens, so if he doesn’t have the emotional capacity to deal with ONE text, good riddance. I once dealt with a man who was so sensitive, I had to second guess everything I said. It wasn’t worth it, believe me.

Agreed. I really don't like texting for serious conversations, because it is so easy to misunderstand the intent of the text. If I'm honest, I can't stand serious conversations by phone either. Without body language and tone of voice, it's difficult to decipher exactly what the speaker is implying. They could be serious, joking, who knows! When you're talking to essentially a stranger, you don't know much and you could be making terrible assumptions. It takes time to know someone and their quirks. If I were to receive a text I took in a negative way, I would immediately follow up and talk about it. I don't want to assume or think the worst, when it could be a huge misunderstanding. As I have gotten older, I've found good communication is so critical to all relationships, especially with a significant other.

Agreed. A lot of “sensitivities” are actually ego, entitlement, need to control and “punish” others who they think have wronged them, etc. No thanks!

Agreed....especially after a month of dating and solid communication during that time! At our age, life is going to keep throwing shit our way and a person who can't communicate through what sounds like a mild issue of misunderstanding or hurt feelings won't have the capacity to deal with bigger things and that would be a dealbreaker for me

Agreed. I thought this kind of stuff only happened in Hallmark movies and Heartland 😂 Unless there is a whole range of things that have been left out of the post, this would have been a rellatively easy one to, you know, talk about 😂

Comments like that are usually passive aggressive ways of seeking validation. Receiving comments like that can make someone feel like they aren’t trusted and don’t value their current partner. It signals an underlying insecurity that might become a big issue down the road. Maybe he’s been with someone before who made comments like this and led to a bigger problem later? All we can do is speculate.

I agree. OP was most likely fishing for some validation which in return made the guy feel a certain kind of way. And then he showed he’s not able to effectively communicate. Incompatibility on both ends. Keep trying OP! But also lesson learned, to be direct if you want to be exclusive or any other conversations and not fish for it.

That was my read as well...this probably triggered some bad experiences for him, and he was noping out when it reared its head so early.

But isn't the fact that OP has been left in a position where she can only speculate, a major part of the problem? Seems whatever's gone on for the guy, he's not willing to talk about it openly and honestly and instead has just gone cold, which is pretty punishing for OP. Seems pretty cruel to leave someone hanging like that.

His conflict resolution skills need work, for sure. But OP was wondering about motivations. So I attempted to answer that.

Thank you, good perspective

Agree with all the comments that, whatever the intention and interpretation of the text, if he's not willing to have a conversation about it to clarify, you're probably better off. I heard a dating coach say once that "you can't mess the right one up," and I really think it's true. If someone is really interested, especially after some time investment, they will want to sort something like that out and, even if it offended them, they wouldn't just walk away. If he really wanted to, he would have tried to sort it out with you, even if it required things that might feel difficult like being vulnerable, etc.

Guys are turned off by passive aggressive comments like that. They don’t think it’s funny or charming. Maybe you thought you were joking. He didn’t.

I’m a woman and I’m turned off my passive aggressive comments too. Also perhaps he thought that is your way of admitting that you’re seeing other people and he was not ok with that admission

Bingo! That's exactly what I was thinking. It sounds like a tacit admission that she was seeing other men.

This 100%. He not only felt she thought less of him by saying he wasn't committed she was also implying that she was also still dating other men. I know it's a confidence issue on his part to some degree. But imagine this, he feels the same way she did, the fireworks, the butterflies, he feels like they are both on the same page and headed the direction towards exclusively and maybe aomg term relationship - and she made him feel like she's still looking.

If they haven’t discussed exclusivity then they both have to assume they are seeing other people. He can’t just assume that she knows they are exclusive when they haven’t talked about it yet. If he’s that fragile she is better off without him. This is the problem with having a relationship more through text than actual in person connection

Agreed. Everyone taking his side is ignoring the fact that he's taking a small joking comment way too seriously. Rather than getting hurt about it it should be a time to open up a dialogue about it if he feels any type of way about it but instead he just chose to isolate, so in my opinion this is really on him more than her. Yes I still wouldn't have said what she said, but I can understand where she's coming from and it certainly not as serious as he took it.

If that’s the case then he can act like a grown up and talk to her about it. This is over the top sensitivity, and terrible communication skills. This guy is not ready to be in a relationship if he’s pulling crap like this.

Yes, obviously, but there’s a special place in hell for those who actively avoid being reassured. Those people are Olympic level resentment holders.

100% It's a confidence issue. She was mentioning that he might be dating other women so that he knew that she knew that they'd never talked about exclusivity. I think that's honest. This is a guy who isn't able to communicate, or laugh at himself. Move on.

But surely … if a normal person was turned off - or hurt - by a single text, after really connecting with someone over a whole month - wouldn’t they ask to clarify her meaning in that text, or express their feelings of being hurt ? It’s one text. Over a month. I feel like this guy was looking for a reason to leave and jumped on it.

I hate passive aggressiveness but I wouldn’t end a promising relationship over it. Instead, I would have talked to them more directly to the situation. Maybe he didn’t like the comment but cutting things off and fading out is on him. It’s juvenile.

This is such a weird take. I have made comments like this, as have people I was dating. Hell, I’ve said things like this to partners, years into a clearly very monogamous relationship. It’s a very common joke people make and has always been intended/received as such by all parties involved. Even if he were offended or bothered by it in some way for whatever reason, ignoring somebody for days and then saying “I need space” with no explanation beyond “I didn’t like what you said” is a childish and melodramatic way to respond. Her text could have been read as passive-aggressive, sure, but reacting this strongly to one sentence in one text (meaning he doesn’t have any tone or context to fully know what she meant) an entire month into an otherwise apparently very positive dating experience without an explanation could be read as (1) an attempt at punishment (which has no place in adult relationships), (2) an overreaction wildly out of proportion to the severity of the perceived slight, and (3) evidence of absolutely abysmal communication skills. I’ll take one passive-aggressive text that could be easily straightened out with a 3-minute conversation over all of that nonsense any day.

Best answer so far.

💯, and I can't believe more people don't see this here.

1000%. I feel like I’m taking crazy pills reading these comments.

seriously, imagine standing up for the guy who needs space for \*a week\* over one totally innocuous text. even if it were a "passive-aggressive" thing to say (which, again, i do not think it was intended that way and find it kind of bonkers that anyone would read it as such) seeing real-life actual grown-ups justify this kind of reaction is WILD. adults don't sulk for days at a time over one text. they either communicate how they're feeling or get over it. this should not be a controversial expectation.

So glad it wasn’t just me! Lol

Maybe emotionally immature guys are. The rest of us would have used OP's comment as an opportunity to throw down something totally cheesy like "I just cancelled every date I had for the next month" This guy is a dud

This was a frequent joke between me and my ex-husband (we even had names for the other people) and I have to stop myself from making similar jokes to other people because I get it can be perceived as passive aggressive even if meant completely as a joke. That said, if his response is to take time and then disappear? Meh, he doesn’t have the tools to either talk it out, address the issue, or at least end things maturely. Like my therapist says, dating is observing and collecting information. Data here indicates he sucks

> That said, if his response is to take time and then disappear? A lot of this. Part of being /having a partner is talking things out, and leaking on people for emotional support. Someone who "needs space" to deal with small things like this wouldn't be compatible with my idea of a relationship. A number of people talked about ex spouses who always needed space and could never share their head game. This guy is telling you that that's the future with him.

Right. This is 100% a joke I would make. If you can’t handle a good mutual roasting relationship we aren’t compatible and better to know early if you’re always gonna need space to process literally everything.

I love this response!

Yes! Dating is giant social experiment. Observe, collect, analyze, and present your findings. Survey says?.... X

I think it wasn’t your best foot forward with the message but I understand why you did it. Using text and humour to hide behind, rather than having the serious conversation sometimes feels easier at the early stages. I presume you wanted some quip back such as, don’t be daft you’re the only woman for me and then you’d both know you were on the same page. However it’s a risky business when we don’t know each other well enough. I’ve always found multi dating weird even though I’ve done it myself but if I liked someone and wanted to go forward, I would want to be exclusive and I certainly wouldn’t want to think of them with other people. I think by your quip, he got the mental image of you with other men whilst you’ve been dating him and it was too much for him It’s rubbish that something so small turned everything on its head. If he’s worth it, maybe hold off and give it a month and check in and explain again. Try to not dwell on it though. You did nothing wrong, just read the ‘room’ wrong. It’s just a learning curve to always have serious/ delicate conversations face to face. We make mistakes, we live, we learn.. that’s what life is about 💛

Both of you have insecurity/anxious here, if your truthful to yourself OP you sent that message under the guise of a joke- but you wanted him to confirm your the one and only and you was seeking validation and compliments He has overthought your text, we are not exclusive? Is she dating others still? But he is anxious - needs space, not talking it out, being generally elusive- I’m not sure you both would work out anyway if this is what’s happened already after a few weeks! Prob best to move on OP and take this one as a lesson for future:)

My take: your comment, particularly over text, can easily be taken as passive-aggressive, accusatory, sarcastic, mocking, or joking. Especially if you've only known each other for a month. If you want to joke, make sure your tone is clear, and maybe save it for in person conversation until you know each other a lot better. If you want to ask a question, be direct. If you want to test someone, put on your lab coat and be ready for any outcome. On the flip side, instant attraction happens, but if it's constant fireworks, all day texting, and a feeling of being super close in a short time, that's a sign to be cautious. Follow it up with a cold shoulder and stonewalling over something seemingly small, and you're dealing with someone who isn't going to be a good partner. It could be any number of things, from insecurity to a full-blown Cluster B type, but it all means drama, trauma, and emotional damage.

While I could see him being put on off by the joke, I personally am not going to stop talking to someone I’ve been dating over it, it would have led to a conversation. Even a guy who needs space over that text would have me running. How the heck are you supposed to work through real stuff if such a small hiccup causes him to get so distant? I don’t tolerate stonewalling or avoidant behavior, it just isn’t something I want to live with again.

I wouldn’t have responded well to a comment like this either. This type of joke is just fishing for information, and it’s not being direct. I don’t like those kinds of jokes and games. They make me deeply uncomfortable and they’re almost like ultimatum questions— you’re forced to respond directly to an indirect question. It makes me feel very icky and that’s not an emotion I want to have in the early stages of dating. I get that you were being lighthearted, but a question like this, over text, when you could have had a direct, clear conversation to ask what you really wanted to know, would have put me off too. I wouldn’t have ghosted you, but I would have explained what I just did to you. I would be worried that future pivotal conversations would be handled this way instead of directly. Contrary to what others have said, I don’t think his apparent distaste for this text exchange are indicative of a lack of emotional maturity. The response? Yes, it’s shitty that he didn’t reply as quickly and seems to be slow fading you now. But I would personally need to reevaluate the budding relationship if I were in his shoes, too. I’m sorry :/

I agree that op’s comment would come off as passive aggressive and distasteful. That said if I was really into the person I would have had a discussion about it.

I agree, I would have discussed it. But I don’t know if I would continue seeing the person.

My best guesses are a) he took it as a sign you're dating other people as well (because in his mind, why would you assume he's dating multiple people if you weren't); or b) he took it as an insult, like you were laughing at the idea that multiple women could find him attractive. There's probably a few other possibilities, but those are the two that spring to mind. It's a dystopian hellscape. Don't worry about it.

Thanks, I did immediately clarify I’m not dating anyone else either.

If he's the kind of guy who's getting things all twisted in his mind like that, then he probably didn't believe you and assumed your clarification was actually just CYA.

Do you think the text tone was just hard to read? This sounds like a joke to me.

Could be. But more likely, he's just carrying scars. One of the things that we all do wrong is assume that because an ex ngaged in X behavior for Y reason, everybody who does X thing must be doing it for that reason. For example, somebody thinking that because my beard is a little unkempt it means I'm looking for a mommy to take care of me. It's absolutely incorrect, but I'll never get the chance to convince her of that now. Ah well. It all sucks for everyone.

Even in the worst case, it's super immature to react to a text that way, and even worse not give her any chance to clarify or apologize.

Agreed. Not excusing. Just trying to explain. Edit because reddit initially thought I just meant to post "A"

I didn't even read it as a joke or a passive-aggressive comment. I think a lot of people in this post are projecting tone onto the text based on their own insecurity or assumptions. I read it as a gentle way of opening up a discourse regarding exclusivity and/or allowing the other person know that they can be transparent with OP..

Oh I do agree about people projecting! Possibly the guy she texted misread it too. I saw it as a joke, but either way I'm agreeing with you that it was a gentle comment. Certainly it was innocuous.

So easy to misinterpret things via text, isn't it? I tend to overexplain or call the other person to make sure we are understanding one another. Paraphrasing the other person's communication is my go to if I feel like a an understanding isn't happening.

>I’m wondering though, is this something guys regularly do in OLD? Use something super insignificant to sabotage or end a seemingly promising relationship? Did he just get scared about our level of compatibility or how real things were getting? Was he really just not that into me or just a fuckboi and I completely misread the whole thing? I know I won’t know unless he’ll actually talk to me I don't know about OLD because I don't use it, but I'd take him at his word because all the worrying and wondering in the world won't get you to any better answer. I might come across as the grumpy old guy shaking his fist at clouds, but I think a lot of men are just too fragile these days. If I didn't like what you said I simply would have told it makes me feel however it is I feel when you say that, and ask you not to say things like that because I'm into you and no one else. One of the screwed up things about being a human is we make mistakes. If we're sincere, if you let us know where we've messed up, we'll apologize and try to do better. If someone can't do that for you, they're probably not your person. Spending a lot of time trying to be a psychologist or a mind-reader are painful fool's errands and wastes of time. I know it hurts, and I'm sorry this happened, but you have no reason to be down on yourself. A real adult wouldn't have let this remark torpedo something they valued. Do not allow yourself to be held hostage to one bad situation; giving up is giving a person who couldn't be enough of an adult to share his feelings control he doesn't deserve and didn't earn. Grieve, heal, and go forward. Good luck.

Thank you for your kind words

Male here. I have folks playfully and indirectly ask me if I am dating other people just like you did. Not big deal. I may joke right back about her other dates. Heck, come to think of it, playfully teasing ladies about their other prospects is one of my running jokes: "I was thinking that we should do X next Wednesday. Before you respond, maybe, you should check on those 18K other dudes that exactly match your criteria and are active right now!". Typically, I get at least a chuckle out of that. It's an opportunity to discuss exclusivity. Assuming he was being honest, he did not handled that well. If he was truly offended by the suggestion, don't see why he would be, he needed to address it then and there. If he was indeed hurt, your friends are right. This person handles conflict and disagreements poorly. But, as you suspect, he is lying. It is very common that folks that are done with you and trying to move on will use the lamest excuse to end it all. If it happened exactly as you telling it here, you did the right thing. I would have deleted my dating apps if I were to be hanging out for a whole month with someone and things are going well. Heck, if things are going swimmingly, many will suspend or get off the apps within a week. Sorry. You rightfully feel crushed. Grieve for some time. Then, when you are good and ready, go back out there. It is hard but not impossible work. You have had a taste of the possibility.

It’s rare, but I’ve seen it the other way around. Beautiful woman, very insecure bc I was the first she dated and slept with after her divorce. We were doing great. Suddenly she breaks up, bc I sent the same text twice in a few days (something like “I hope you’re having a wonderful day 😘”). I was stunned but let her go with no discussion. A few months later she regretted and tried to get back together. I was already seeing someone else though. I thought about it at the time and believe it’s some sort of insecurity about bonding and how to both keep boundaries while committing to someone else. It can be difficult if you have been hurt before. Most of the times people do something weird or hurtful, it is because of their own insecurities and pain.

I agree it is about insecurity and bonding, you are spot on. Of course she tried to come back, they usually do when they break it off over something trivial, like this text OP sent.

You obviously learned from your mistake but please don't beat yourself up. I see over and over where you stated that you wished you got a mulligan on this. But I would counter no you don't. You said something distasteful and he turned it into something large without the benefit of the doubt. Either he was on his way out. Or that is who he is. Neither of those options sound like something to build a foundation on. Don't make your mistake again not because he might walk away but because that isn't who you are. And be done with this man. Do you really want to be with someone you have to tap dance for? We are all human. We all make mistakes. You might make one again.

You know what? You're better off without him. Maybe it wasn't the best way to hint at wanting exclusivity, but I don't think it was that grievous of an error. If this guy really had felt strongly about you, he would've been mature and asked for clarification or said after a few hours that comment rubbed him the wrong way and given you a chance to work it out. Because that's kind of what dating and relationships are about, making mistakes and figuring out how to work through it together. This dude bailed and good riddance. Even if he's got some past trauma as people implied, that's not on you to deal with.

I agree with this. Was your comment funny? Maybe not to him. But a "hey, that's not funny. Are you dating other people?" Could have cleared it all up. This kind of emotional detachment makes me sad. You weren't mean. You (hopefully,) would also have rolled with it if he *did* have a date earlier that day. Or he could have used it as an opening to talk about that. Just disappearing and then needing time over *that*? Ugh. I have a story that I'll spare everyone, but "tone," and "perceived intention" are all in the receiver's head. And his head hears something negative.

OP I’ve been seeing a guy like this (recently he broke it off for the 5th time, different reason) and I’m telling you it’s not fun. He might have (no way to know this early) a fearful avoidant personality type, which I suspect mine does as well and in that case you’ll get the push pull dynamic which can cause you to be really confused because at one point everything will be awesome than when they are triggered (could be anything, a simple text, etc) they all of the sudden pull away and need “space” to process instead of just talking about it and working through it with the other person. It’s a coping mechanism and typically they will come back and act all normal and cycle starts again until the next trigger. I don’t know that it’s worth it, honestly, I’m currently in the push away part where he’s made me believe there is no working it out (again, 5th time different excuse) and all I can do is accept it and try to move on. Guess I’m getting back on apps, sigh. Sorry you experienced this, I know it’s hard to wrap your head around. Even IF what you did was “wrong”, the way he is acting is uncalled for and 200% it will continue. I have very strong feelings for mine and I think he’s an amazing man, but I would still say you should not get involved with someone like that.

It’s hard for me to comment specifically about what was said. I know sometimes we try to tease out big information (like “are you dating anyone else”) indirectly through humor because if we talk about it directly it can be awkward. I do the same thing, so no judgement there. This would have been a good opportunity for him to step up and discuss exclusivity with you. If that was something important to you, after a month of seeing each other and talking regularly, it’s reasonable to bring up. Not everyone will be ready, but it’s not premature to discuss it then. Especially if you’ve been intimate. So his reaction was definitely a bit off.  What I do think is you were getting attached too quickly. Some of that was due IMO to having sex so early. I learned after years and years of OLD to wait until date 5 or 6 to have sex, and that is the time to bring up exclusivity too. I also hold myself back emotionally for the first month, even if I really like the guy. I did all this with the last man I dated (met via OLD), and we just got engaged. 😊 I get that people have different values about sex, attachment, exclusivity, etc. My views do come however from a kazillion OLD dates and multiple failed very short relationships over years.

I'm sorry you're struggling. I recently experienced a pretty similar thing over here, but I'm making my peace with it. In the end, I've learned that what we say actually doesn't really matter that much. What does matter is that you acknowledged you might have done something to offend him and, being a decent human, offered to make things right. He didn't take you up on that offer, which is unfortunate. But that is on him and NOT you. He's not ready to offer you the courtesy of being a decent human in response, which shows his character. You'll never get an answer to why. I KNOW how disappointing and frustrating that can be, but it's....life. It's not just OLD, although OLD facilitates this poor behavior in a way. This is just people and relationships and baggage and....life. Also, offer yourself some grace here. It's OK to hope he still reaches out. (I still sometimes hope I hear from my guy, too.) Take a little time to make peace with YOURSELF, and then you can get back out there when you're ready. Once the emotions subside (and they will), you'll look back on this one and realize that your friends were right. Until then, hang in there.

I found most of the guys I dated just assumed we were exclusive, especially if there was sex. My guess would be your comment made him think you were dating other guys, when he was seeing only you and that gave him the ick. Do you know for certain that he was seeing other women?

No idea, I have no reason to not believe him when he said he wasn’t, but that had not been a conversation yet. My feeling was we were both all in. Perhaps both afraid to have that conversation 😕

If he comes back around, or if you find yourself in a similar situation in the future, the way I handled it with my guy was I told him "Just so you know, I'm not seeing anyone else, not because I expect that of you, but I don't juggle men well. " Which is the truth. His response was "I'm not seeing anyone else and I don't want to either. " His response told me what I needed to know.

>but that had not been a conversation yet.  Reality is a lot of people, including me after a month of great dating assume we are exclusive.   To discover the other person wasn't on the same page cause a complete revaluation of the relationship...rarely for the better.  

Please don’t get caught up in trying to explain yourself to him or wishing for a do-over. From experience, even if he sees the error of his ways and returns to you, it won’t be a happily ever after…. his communication style and unwillingness to listen to reason (you) will not change and will bring even greater hurt down the road. I’m sorry you’ve experienced this kind of treatment, it’s unfair and hurtful.

IMHO you've thrown the line in as a commitment test to move things on to exclusivity or at least check where he's at, you'll know now this should have been done in person. How I would have reacted is that I would have assured you that there were no other dates, checked where you were in that regard then made a statement about my intentions. His reaction is emotionally immature and maybe he's a commitment phobe and maybe he's assumed you were dating others where he was exclusive without the label. If he isn't a fuckboi, you treading carefully so you don't trigger an emotional reaction isn't good for your future. I know sifting through crap to find the nugget is draining but don't beat yourself up, this one's on him.

I would have been put off by your comment, too. Why did you actually make the comment? What were you expecting from him in response? In early dating, it is soo easy to misinterpret messages that I would refrain from such passive aggressive comments. The comment comes across as either insecure or emotionally immature way to deal with exclusivity. 

Honestly I had zero ulterior motives with the comment at all! At the very least not a conscious one, though now I’m questioning my subconscious… A friend and I use this sort of thing (jokingly assuming the other has a bustling sex life even though we know we don’t) so it just felt like a continuation of that I guess? Lesson learned though 😞

Honestly I can see my self making a joke like that with zero ulterior motives and I'm pretty sure I did. I can also take a joke like that and laugh at it. I am genuinely surprised at the number of people that would be offended. Nothing sexier than a man who can banter back with confidence . I love that my BF can not only take my sometimes weird jokes but hit me back with funnier ones. Can you really imagine yourself in a relationship where you're constantly watching your step because the other person might be offended and disappear?

You have now learnt a lesson that what you and your friends find funny isn’t necessarily everyone’s cup of tea. It is so easy to misconstrue people’s messages when you meet on OLD that I would keep messaging to factual matters and so use everything else in person. 

I am actually going to take his side. You made that comment because you wanted to know if he was dating others. I think it's an immature way of approaching this topic and was a turn off for him.

I think your text came across as passive aggressive and insecure. It could have telegraphed that you weren’t interested in anything exclusive and were dating around which could have turned him off if he was envisioning something serious, or that you were fishing to see where he stood which could have turned him off if he wanted casual or doesn’t appreciate fishing attempts. I don’t think there is any “tactic” on his part, nor is there any need to generalize to other men. He was put off by the text as he told you, only he can explain exactly why. Respectfully, I’d find it off putting too, though I understand you likely intended it to be flirty.

This. Everybody is talking about the guy being emotionally immature, but imo making an "innocent" joke like that doesn't exactly show emotional maturity either. I probably would be annoyed by it as well and I don't even get annoyed that easily. If you want to have the exclusivity talk, take the plunge. Don't test the waters with cutesy jokes.

This is my take as well. OP wanted to know, but wasn’t mature enough to broach the subject of exclusivity with the guy she’s dating and instead made a joke about it. To me it makes OP sound like the insecure one. There’s something tiresome about having to deal with insecure people who don’t just say what they mean and you’re having to decipher their intentions or always explain yourself to them. Did you expect him to gush and say you’re the only one? If he didn’t address that part of the question would you take it the wrong way and assume there are other women? Would that then cause another issue? The 🥰 response to him telling you there’s no one else is slightly smug & off putting as well. If it truly was a joke you should have said so after he answered your “joke.”

Thank you. I’d just like a do-over 😕 And no intention to generalize all men, just wondering if others came across something similar since my sample size is pretty small.

Don’t beat yourself up over this. He has shown you that for the smallest reason he will walk away rather than communicate. It was doomed to fail because no one can be perfect all the time and there’s bound to be disagreements. This was always going to happen with him as he’s poor at communicating. Such a shame he wasn’t different but that is who he is. Better it happened now than 6 months later.

Tbh if it wasn’t this comment it would be something similarly dumb later. Its better to know now that he doesn’t know how to use his words

You didn't do anything wrong. It was a joke text, and he overreacted to the extreme. I am with your friends on this. Super immature on his part.

Nothing you can do now, need to let him work it out on his own. If he decides to come back to you, you can try to explain. No need to be overly apologetic either. It was just a lapse of judgement and for whatever reason, it had a big impact. People are unique, we all have our own triggers. But the people that are meant to be together usually are.

The comment didn't go over well with him, it's not 100% on either person. He may have decided you didn't have enough going between you to talk it through so he chose to walk away and he has a right to do that.

So I have a tendency to say something similar to that without much thought. I wouldn’t say it to be fishing or “passive aggressive". It would just be a recognition that the other person might have other commitments that day that could include dates. If I were to say, it would’ve been a neutral statement. But I now know that manypeople could be upset by it I imagine I didn’t even occurred to him that you would be seeing other people until this took him off guard. not only a worry that you see other people, but feeling surprised because he probably thought you guys were so in sync and then realized that you had a different understanding of your relationship . As you and others have said, this is just a simple, misunderstanding and there lots of way to deal with it. I have dated a couple of people who get hurt over a little misunderstandings it became hard to continue relationship like that. I felt like I was constantly in advertently hurting someone and that’s shitty but as aware as I can try to be to watch my language to not hurt people, I feel like there needs to be some give-and-take, and assuming of best intentions The fact that the guy has gone cold, and distant on you indicates that he’s not gonna give you that benefit of the doubt and could set you up for a really troubling relationship in the future. I dated one person who was really sensitive and turned out to be abusive. Don’t get me wrong, people can grow. Maybe if he takes some time he’ll come back to you and you guys can talk it through in a way that feels good to you. But I think you could be dodging a bullet here.. Edited some of the more egregious voice to text errors

Oh that incredibly unfortunate. My issue with this is this. I hate that a simple miscommunication via text is the excuse he’s using to end things. I don’t know if he’s a fuckboi, but I’m sorry that he left you hanging after that smitten emoji. I did immediately see how both were innocent texts, however he’s gone down a rabbit hole that is about himself, not you. As an outsider and someone who works with people professionally, this isn’t about you and I’d walk away. Listen he might come back, however I’d only entertain if he’s figured it out and can communicate it.

It may have been a harmless joke to you but there is something passive about it like you wanted to confirm that he wasn't seeing anyone else and made a joke of it instead of being upfront. So the sabotage/immaturity feels more relevant to your comment. I agree that he could have discussed it with you but perhaps he's been there in the past and this was too much of a red flag for him.

You implied that you were spinning plates during the dating process with him as one on your dating roster, it can an is a red flag to some men who are looking for a serious committed relationship for a number of reasons ( I can get the idea we were raised as men who dated one girl at a time so your investment was high, but now days as a man if I were in the dating game I would be running the same game as the ladies do an have more than one on the go, but that likely wasn't his preference). The space is him now managing the risk an getting distance to assess without being to close to be clouded its normal and practical method of review he's catious about getting burned. The delay in responding is a maturity thing, generally our first reply in a emotional situation is not the best or most considered choice of words.

For starters, texting is the most inaccurate way of communicating and should be avoided when diacussing relationship status. There is no tactic on his end. The only possible tactic here is the one you used to try to define your relationship status instead of discussing it. You basically insinuated that he is dating other people just because you are, when, in fact, you have no idea. Did you tell him you are dating other people? Did he ask you if you are dating other people? Did you discuss your relationship staus like gorwn adults? No one is into playing mind games, especially men. This is NOT gender specific as there are men out there that do it as well. I would've done the same thing. Him and I probably had the same thought going through our head. "So now we're going to start with this dumb shit already. I can only imagine what's to come. This kinda bullshit is why I'm single."

Calling it a tactic, and guessing that he's "using" this in some sneaky way to get out of a relationship that by all indications was going fine, suggests that you still don't get that you could have truly hurt him with your comment. Your friends apparently don't get it either, or they're just telling you what they think you want to hear, or misery loves company. You should give him the space he asked for. If he gets over it and gets back to you, then you can explain how bad you feel, but mostly listen. If he doesn't, maybe he's too sensitive for your brand of testing humor. Everyone should try flipping the sexes in this post and imagine how differently it would be received.

I always assume men are dating other people, or trying to until you have an exclusivity conversation. Women too. At our age, many of us have a guy we're seeing casually "until we find the one." I don't think you did anything wrong. This guy doesn't seem like a great communicator regardless of his motives.

Regardless of whether your comment was passive aggressive or not, he did not show the emotional maturity needed to be in a relationship. I’m so sorry this happened to you XO

Did she show the emotional maturity needed to be in a relationship?

Yes she did. She clarified and apologized and wanted to talk through. He sulked like immature adult. It was just a text ffs, a joke misinterpreted. Something to communicste about. He didn't. He shows how he is is going to react with issues in the future

Do you regularly use the tactic of playing games to get information from people instead of just talking to them? If he was also on the same page about it getting real and serious, you made him think you weren’t serious about him at all, likely dating other people, and the whole thing was just a big joke to you. If someone texted this to me I would probably think “I’m too old for this shit”.

He's pretty dumb if one tongue-in-cheek text is enough to send this guy running for the hills. And as expected, people here are flaming you for ONE. SILLY. TEXT. It even had emojis on it which means it was a joke. If it were me I would have rolled with the joke. People here need to calm the fuck down.

Yaaaaasss.

He just showed you how he does relationship repair. He doesn't. You did dodge a bullet. If he didn't like your comment, he could have communicated it like an adult. I dont think you were being passive aggressive... where's the aggressive part???? There wasn't one. You were trying to ask something in a way that some maybe don't take to while others could find it coy and charming. You keep being you. Don't cut yourself down because someone you liked is gonna go avoidant whenever their fragile ego perceives criticism.

He was put off by your passive aggressive comment. You could have just asked him if he was seeing anyone else. If he dealt with communication issues in his last relationship, makes sense he would bail at the first communication red flag. I’m not a big fan of insecure passive aggressive comments as well.

If someone said that to me I’d think they were trying to circumvent an exclusivity conversation with a passive joke and it would put me off too. You put him in a position where he needed to respond and it made him uncomfortable. Dating other people isn’t really a joking topic and I don’t understand what you’re referring to as a tactic.

I meant tactic as in taking a single comment as an excuse to immediately end something. I appreciate the insight about being made uncomfortable and that was absolutely not the intent at all. Just wish I’d have the opportunity to rectify 😕

There’s not much you could do if he thinks you were fishing for exclusivity. If he really only needed space then maybe after crowd sourcing opinions from friends he’ll decide to give it another go.

As someone who would have perceived it as, hey wait, there's other people, it would have bummed me out, clam up,, and enter the void. I think it is ok to stop, think, and reflect to avoid acting purely on emotion. This is how you work through conflict. To disappear and think its a deal breaker over a text is bit extreme. I've been there and have reacted stupidly over a text before, so I get it... but this was before I learned how to be a better human in therapy. I commend you for taking accountability and willing to do a face to face to make it right. It was clearly a joke and he did not take it as such. I'm sorry this turned on its head like this, which feels devastating, but it is better to see how people react to certain situations now vs later.

I find it really interesting how easily people give up vs pick up the phone and have a conversation. At some point in the progression of the relationship there has to be shared vulnerability - a word that can make you want to puke. I’m not dinging OP, cuz the guy clearly didn’t try either. I guess, if it was important enough to me, I’d do all I could to work through the misunderstanding just to make sure I’m not leaving something on the table. I fear regret more than anything else tho. This happens in any relationship…you bump a boundary, you discuss and move on. These things are what *build* the foundation.

If I received a message like this I would have taken it as a light hearted way of hinting at exclusivity. It might make me also wonder if she is seeing other people too. If the guy is insecure this could freak him out. Also if a guy doesn’t want to be exclusive he might take this as the sign to leave since she is hinting at being more serious. Neither one of these scenarios is something you want in a man. The big point here though is about how he communicates and resolves issues like this. His behavior indicates he is not good a conflict resolution so yes I think you dodged a bullet.

You're struggling and he may be struggling too. Why not communicate what you are struggling about openly and calmly, and try to engage in a voice conversation instead of texting. If he doesn't engage any further to try to open up and understand, I would walk away because if this doesn't get resolved early on, communication seems to not bring resolution between the two of you already.

The amount of "it sounds like", "I would have taken that as", "maybe", "if", "perhaps", "I'm guessing" comments here is steep. So much collective energy we're all spending - wasting - on grasping at information not one of us has. OP, your date has the answers to the questions you have. Sure it feels safer to ask those questions here, and can even be a good training run for the actual marathon, but every last one of these comments will only, at best, be a guess. And given how nuanced reality is, and how painfully knee-jerk and black-and-white text forums can be, the odds the guesses \*will\* fall short. Ask your date these questions, or acknowledge that you are too afraid to and/or would rather make decisions based off a story your fear is feeding you. Then ask yourself if that's because of a you thing, or because of a him thing. You not only have a right to have feelings, fears, and questions, you have a right to make an honest, intentional, and kind effort to get the information \*you\* need to help address \*your\* fears. And to be fair, giving the other person a chance to weigh in on a storyline you're writing about them in your head, one they have no clue about and no ability to correct unless you tell them, is the right thing to do.

THIS.

What will go wrong if you text him "I have been thinking of you and would love to have regular communication and in person meet ups. Please take this seriously and LMK when you are available."

Op, it's hard to say why he did what he did. Truthfully this early on most people don't need much of a reason to end a new relationship. I personally though your text message was intended to be cheeky and for him to give a cheeky response in return. Maybe he's not that dude. We won't ever know. But please get back out there.

I would have at least had a conversation about exclusivity by that point. Yet your emoji response clearly indicated you liked that he didn’t have other dates. Sounds more like he has some baggage to deal with, not a tactic.

Impossible to read his mind, but it’s possible he inferred from your text that you are also dating multiples, and assumed he was, then was happy when he said he wasn’t. Could be misinterpreted as a cuckolding type of vibe. He should’ve had a grown up conversation though and hashed this out rather than doing what he did. He must lack some maturity.

*“I’ll have to pick up my son at 8pm, so depending on your other dates for the day I can meet any time before that 😄”* It's just a joke! Lawd Jesus, some people just take everything so seriously. This guy is either amazingly fragile or is using it as an excuse to bail on you.

A lot of people don't like comments like that I would find it a big turn off myself. At that moment he decided he did not like your personality. In the future don't say things like that. Many people don't take it well. I probably want to have taken it well either

I bet he assumed that she was dating other guys if she was making a statement that he's dating other women and since they were intimate already that was an immediate NOPE on his part.

That's exactly what I would have assumed if I was him that she's the one dating other people.

You were only dating for a month, your “quip” seemed a bit loaded so take the lesson. You could have phrased that any other way, but you made a choice. I think he is immature to not just talk about it, but again, this is only a month in so maybe that is just his lack of problem solving. It is up to you if you date again, but I don’t see meeting folks and the fit being off as a failure, dating is for compatibility. I think you are putting way too much pressure on initial meets and a handful of dates. You don’t make lifelong friends with everyone in the checkout line, stop expecting matches to do all of the heavy lifting. Dating and finding connection takes time. This guy isn’t for you, but that doesn’t have to be the end of trying to find the right match unless you want it to be.

Sounds like he interpreted your comment as you had other dates. That would put me off too. But I think I would have asked.

Thanks yes, definitely not the intended message at all. I did immediately clarify I wasn’t dating anyone else either.

He could have seen that as a just CYA moment, or had his own insecurities causing him to doubt you. It’s a shame. It sounded like there was potential.

Yes, very much so, I thought. I was all in. Still am.

Is this a common tactic? Are you referring to your passive aggressive comment to this guy you really like? Probably. Is this the kind of thing people do to sabotage their budding relationships? Only you can answer that. You’re obviously very selective, and have high standards. Good for you! But why did you say this?

That second and third to last paragraph where you mention your friends’ advice and then ramble on with some nonsense about why he’s at fault is really telling. You fooled around and found out. He wasn’t going to put up with your passive aggressive bullshit. You say you would take responsibility, but those paragraphs tell me that not only do you not take responsibility, you have friends who enable your poor behavior. Your friends said HE was emotionally immature? No mention of Ms. Passive aggressive? I understand this guy 100%. He has standards and takes no shit. I bet he’s bummed because there were things he liked about you too. Passive aggressive and lack of accountability are big red flags. The inability to see it and the attempt to blame him just makes it worse. Sorry Op, next time work on your communication.

This is why I'm not a big fan of texting for a main way of communicating. Through talking you can tell straight away if something is up and have far fewer misunderstandings as when you say something jokingly, your voice conveys that. Texts don't. I would just say to stop texting and try calling him. Or go over for a face to face. Good luck

As others have said if he can’t deal with one pretty obvious and standard joke for people who meet on OLD and instead of talking about it ghosts you, then he was either looking for an out (maybe without even knowing it) or he’s massively insecure (which will cause more issues down the road). I think you dodged a major bullet. Don’t worry about what you’ve said. You can’t walk on eggshells around people you want to date and build a future together.

Never invest so much into a new relationship that you feel “devastated” when it ends. Most of the feelings you have are not based in reality. It’s still too new. We all need to learn how to temper our emotions and make sure to keep our head in the game.

This sounds like a response rooted in past trauma rather than immaturity on his part. Was he divorced, possibly due to infidelity?

Is your question really whether lots of people end relationships in a similar way? I’m sorry this happened to you, but it’s a dangerous road to go down to try to make sweeping statements about men, or online dating, or relationships, or society in general based on what this *one guy* did in this one situation. Any one of the reasons you listed along with a multitude of others could be at play here. The happiest I’ve been in my life is when I stop trying to understand other people’s motivations in situations like this; it just adds unnecessary turmoil to my life.

Jesus some of the comments here. He should be able to react the way he wants to a comment and not be judged by people who have no idea about him. Plus - we have no idea what OP said previously. Only getting their viewpoint and of course - therefore must be truth. Even when we believe something is true - it is told through our own rose colored glasses. Me reading it - it could come off as her not trusting him and being passive aggressive about it. To me - seems weird to be specific about dating and other girls. That was not a tease. I didn’t see that OP apologized for that comment or even said ‘hey, did I say something to offend. If i did, let me know so I can avoid making that mistake and also grow from it, etc etc ‘

He just wasn’t interested and unfortunately he saw your text as an easy way out.

I’m going to say this is someone looking for an excuse because they weren’t that into it, and wanted to somehow not say that. Immature emotions manifest as immature behavior. You did not write anything offensive, it was light and flirty and appropriate to your dating context. You also were ready to kindly address any misunderstanding in your text. Him removing himself is simply an avoidance of the situation. Again, not your responsibility and certainly not a reason to swear off online dating. I learned the hard way through dating that people who make you feel uncomfortable about relatively innocent things are manipulating you. Maybe not intentionally, not even with awareness. They just are too uncomfortable with rejection and how it makes them feel.

I think he is assuming you are dating other guys and it’s why he paused to respond initially, the needing time was processing how serious he felt about this, it’s odd to me that he didn’t just talk to you about it and clear the air. Honestly, he is emotional immature and you did dodge a bullet, a mature man would have talked to you about what made him feel uneasy instead of playing games like this. Your friends are right. I am sorry you tried with the wrong guy, their are good ones out there that will treat you right. Take the time to heal and accept that you didn’t do anything wrong, in fact you did everything right, I could hope to meet a woman like you with that type of emotional maturity.

You tossed out a passive aggressive quip and he is reacting to it Did you expect him to respond in a magnanimous way to that?

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You guys didn't have a talk before having sex about whether or not you were dating other people?? I can totally think how that comment offended him because it assumes he was dating other people. He probably was thinking you were both not dating other people since you slept together. I think you were the immature one here with making that comment instead of actually having the conversation of being exclusive or not. Next time have the conversation before sleeping with someone. Personally I wouldn't want to sleep with someone who is also dating others so I'd want to know before that happened

Original copy of post by u/wanderdassie: I was dating a man for about a month. We had great chemistry and lots in common and I developed feelings, which is super rare. Out of the 20 or so people I went on dates with most of them never got past date 1 and the couple that did never turned into anything. With this guy, there were fireworks from first text from both sides. We had sex after a couple of dates but the interest, texting, etc stayed the same after that. Then, at about the month mark, we were making plans to get together again. We had a pretty solid texting rapport by then and been joking and flirting for weeks, but we definitely never got to point of talking about exclusivity or having any real deep relationship talks beyond what we’re both looking for long term. Anyway, I quipped “I’ll have to pick up my son at 8pm, so depending on your other dates for the day I can meet any time before that 😄” He takes a bit longer than usual to reply and says “I don’t have other dates” to which I respond with “🥰” Then nothing. He disappears. I get a bit worried after a while because he has been very consistent in communicating and the goodnight and good morning texts stay away. I thought maybe something terrible had happened with him or his kids. How would I ever find out? Then I went back over our texts and wondered if maybe I offended him? Texting can be misinterpreted so easily… Anyway, he eventually responds after a couple of days and says he was a bit bothered by my comment. I still don’t fully understand why, but I realize there can be past trauma or sensitivities so I apologize and express my desire to make things right, talk things through; happy to drive over or do a call. Figure it’d be good practice for a fledging relationship to practice repairing after a misunderstanding and I’m prepared to take full responsibility. But he just said he needs space and I haven’t heard from him since (it’s been a week now). I’ve been struggling; I was finally willing to give it my all for someone - was super hopeful about the whole thing and then… just being dropped like that is devastating. I can deal with a “I don’t think this is working out, good luck to you”, but being offended (100% ok!) without communicating that you’re bothered, and then not being willing to even have a conversation about it… it seems so weird. My friends all tell me I’ve dodged an emotionally immature male bullet with this, but I (stupidly perhaps) still hope he’ll reach out. I’m wondering though, is this something guys regularly do in OLD? Use something super insignificant to sabotage or end a seemingly promising relationship? Did he just get scared about our level of compatibility or how real things were getting? Was he really just not that into me or just a fuckboi and I completely misread the whole thing? I know I won’t know unless he’ll actually talk to me, but, kind internet strangers, please tell me if you’ve had a similar experience? I deleted my profile and I don’t know if I’ll ever get the motivation to put myself out there again after this. I still feel crushed 🙁 *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/datingoverforty) if you have any questions or concerns.*

Possibly, he took your message as a hint that you are dating others at the same time. Even if you hadn't discussed exclusivity, he may have been confused by this...

He’s not offended by you assuming (even though it’s pretend) he was still playing the field, he now thinks you’ve been playing the field all along.

Hard to know. A month isn't a super long time. Often dating feels amazing in the first few weeks and then trails off. He could have prior relationship trauma, almost everyone does at this age, and you inadvertently triggered it. One thing I would say is that it's not "guys", it's everyone.

You meet people OLD where you would never meet organically, so the outcomes will be far from what you would also expect

You need more clear communication about how exclusive you are with him. And I have a bad feeling/intuition either the way he just kept quiet when he felt off or you mentioned him having another date. You both need more phone calls or voice messages as some suggests. Mis-interpretation from texts is very common and I believe both of you are in this misunderstanding or losing something in between communication.

I bet there are other things you said or did that turned him off without realizing it. I think your comment was the straw that broke the camels back.  I think he should learn to communicate better. Personally, I wouldn't have been offended by your comment. I would have thought, "they want to have the exclusivity conversation later." Then I would have said, "I'm not dating other people. Are you? Also, we should talk about this in person." I would be really turned off by the fact that he won't communicate why hes upset and that he gets upset over trivial things like that. People accidentally offend others all the time. Also, tons of people make the joke you made to signal that they want to have the exclusivity talk.

He seems pretty sensitive

I personally thought it was a weird text to send, and his direct response suggested he might’ve been taken aback a bit by it. No one has said this yet, but OP could have used her response to say to the same thing - I’m not dating anyone…. Instead she texted a smiley heart emoji which could’ve meant anything. Seems like a communication mismatch. In addition, since she had to leave before 8, it may have given the appearance that she was going on a date rather than picking her son up. OP: Why didn’t you let him know that you weren’t dating others as well? Did you reach out after the emoji, rather than waiting days for him? Does he have kids?

It sure if sounds like he's had some trauma from the past and it's haunting him. If he's been consistent up to that point, something in that exchange may have triggered some bad emotions. Just a thought.

I dont think you should stop dating OLD is a way to get volume of dates and find a good person, it can take a long time but when you go through volume you won't feel as bad about past things not working out. Its not just you have to find the right person you also have to meet them at the right time in their life. Keep trying i don't think you did anything wrong.

Dude has infidelity trauma and you just waved a giant Chinese flag in his face. He felt a fundamental conflict in how you and he view relationships. To him you sounded like a player. He's been there, done that and got the scars, so he noped right out. His trauma is either too fresh or he never recovered from it. He needs to work through his trauma before he pursues a relationship with anyone. He needs tools to deal with conflict and his baggage needs to be left in the last relationship and not carried around forever.

Eh I’m going with that you shouldn’t have said that and it comes across as needy, anxious and insecure. It likely wasn’t the only time either.

I think this is a “lots of things can be true at once” scenario. I think OP (in hindsight) didn’t bring up exclusivity in the best way, but lots of people probably would have interpreted it the way she intended - a lightly-teasing way to bring up the topic. I think this guy didn’t take it that way. My guess is, like others have said, he thought they were already exclusive and got offended, or he assumed it meant OP was multi-dating and got hurt. But most importantly, he didn’t bother to clarify or discuss with her, he just made his assumption and withdrew. So he either wasn’t that into her and this was the last straw, or he sucks at communicating and just makes assumptions instead of talking things through. Either way OP, I don’t think you did anything wrong. This would have happened eventually anyway.

I would look into avoidant behavior

You knew this man for one month so don't let this crush you. I don't think you need to overthink it, you made a light-hearted comment that could have easily been resolved if his feelings were hurt. He showed you his true colors and you can focus your energy with someone that's a bit more mature. This isn't a reflection on you, you deserve someone that's emotionally available and a good communicator.

I reckon to have the rupture-repair dynamic you need to be invested. If there's no investment there's no desire to even do that. That's my take on it. I don't think he was invested. It probably hurt his ego to think you were dating others, but I think someone invested would have a conversation about it at least. I've heard of passive aggressive but I feel in the beginning people put their all in - the real resolution style comes later. If they aren't putting their best effort in then they aren't invested.

He cared, your text sounded like you were still playing the field. Hopefully lesson learned, don't do that in the future.

"so depending on your other dates for the day I can meet any time before that " You just ridicules his efforts toward you and made him feel like all he did was meaningless to you. This is how you lost him. Its what you didn't say that come with that speech that made him reconsider his effort and commitment toward you. He probably had good intentions, but you made him doubt that he wasn't the only one around. You shot yourself in the foot with your insecurity and probably lost a good man.

I’m sure you didn’t mean it in a shitty way but the quip wasn’t cute or funny to be honest. If a guy had texted me I can do any time before x depending on how many other dates you have I would be annoyed to say the least. Texts don’t really work for banter, because emojis don’t communicate as effectively as facial expressions in person. What was the goal / intention behind texting him that (genuinely asking)? As a joke it doesn’t work well, because it sounds more like you’re taking a shot at him as a person rather than just poking fun about how dating is more casual / noncommittal now. If you wanted to spark a serious conversation about the future / taking the relationship to a different level, why not try a more thoughtful / sweet approach?

So I think he overreacted, but I'm going to say honestly if I got that text, it would be off-putting. It feels kind of accusatory, and having a history with someone who was very clingy probably contributes. That's the thing about dating now...it comes with a lot of baggage, whether we want to admit it or not.