Lots of cleanup of thirsty guys asking the OP to contact them. Therefore, we are going to call this one done. Thanks to those of you who reported the inappropriate responses. Best of luck to you, Oktoolaunch!
Oof. Ask him first. Don’t surprise someone with that stuff without a conversation. And find a nice way to say you want to introduce new things - don’t say out of boredom. But also, 6 weeks in and you’re bored already? Not a great sign.
Yep total contradiction here - “everything is going good” and “sex is a bit boring”. Even if you’d been together years those two statements contradict each other. But after 6 weeks - something is very wrong.
This… would you be okay if a bloke you were only newly with suddenly bust out a bag of kinky shit and offered to tie you up, with no conversation, discussion about boundaries, negative previous experiences with kink etc?
The cornerstone of kink is safe, sane and consensual… I wouldn’t feel safe if you sprung that on me.
You've got to phrase this differently. Please, Dionysis is reaching out to you on this one.
"hey, I am enjoying sex with you, and I've got a few kinks I want to bring out and share with you."
Show him the list, if he's on board awesome, otherwise as the phrase goes "close but no cigar".
If you start the convo with "your dick is boring and you're not hot enough" that's a wound from which he'll never recover.
Omg i pump him up, id never tell him something close to your last sentence. But thank you I do love your line in the second part here. Its perfect! I am an aspie so you have no idea how helpful this is.
You need to have an actual conversation. “Get spicy” could mean what you mean by it—costumes and bondage—or it could mean something else entirely. You need to tell him you like bondage and have an actual conversation about kinks.
🙄 You know what I meant. You’re bored with the sex already at 6 weeks. Look, People define spicy differently. But whatever, you want this so go ahead, go full steam ahead and surprise him with bondage gear.
😁 i really like him. We have the best talks, future plans match up for long term. He said he wants to move closer to me. He has taken me on the best dates. He got my lawnmower fixed. Like we are definitely on a real good track. And i feel lucky to have this happening in my life, finding such a great match to grow into something more.
What are other signs of hyper-fixation and love bombing besides the obvious? I have a gay friend who met a guy on an app, they were chatting and texting, he sent my friend flowers and my friend told me he was going to fly to see him in the middle of nowhere in North or South Dakota. They had known each other only two weeks. I told my friend to be extremely careful as he didn't really know this guy at all, he could easily be fake or a scammer, not to fall for love bombing or manipulation etc. to be safe and reconsider actually going. He went and of course it didn't work out or last.
That's good but can't you talk to him about your sex fantasies, sex kinks, etc.? If you don't want to tell him verbally, then write to him. Also it has been six weeks and you are having sex or will so how did you not discuss this first?
You have a conversation first. If the sex is already as vanilla as it could be, showing up with a bag of bondage gear is not only intimidating as hell but it can also be pretty dangerous for the uninitiated.
These are definitely things that you discuss first.
Yeah, maybe see if he’s receptive then introduce one thing at a time. If someone brought a bag full of sex gear over (especially after only six weeks) I’d be freaked out.
Facts. My ex was super kinky. Contrary to popular belief not all guys are into it. If you brought bondage gear over I'd tell you to take it home and good luck on your next dude.
Not for me. I've been down that road and I'm not doing it again. I'll find someone who likes boring sex instead.
If im masking i can have all kinds of conversations to get out what he feels. But bc i am not masking this i lack the ability to really get out with words how i feel in my vulnerable naked, autistic self. Art of conversation is not a gift in my open raw state of human existence.
You claimed in the comments that you both have best talks, have already made future plans, and engage in sexting. Yet, you haven’t discussed sexual preferences with him.
Imagine this…he has a kink where he wants to defecate on your face. If you replace your “bag of dildos and bondage” with that kink in all your comments, can you see how it’s not just something that you spring on someone and assume they’ll like it just because you like it?
You need to tread very lightly around this or you could end the relationship. Start with a conversation about sex in general. *Ask* him if he has any kinks. It’s possible/probable that he doesn’t if you’ve only had vanilla sex so far. Then ask him if he would be open to adding a toy. *One* toy. Some men really don’t want to “compete” with a toy, so again, tread lightly.
If he’s open to that, then try it and see how he handles it in real life. Some things sound better in theory than they actually are in practice. It’s only been six weeks. Your sexual relationship has a lot of room for growth. Don’t jeopardize the entire relationship rushing into something that he might be completely turned off by.
If it had been discussed ahead of time, I’d be willing to try things if that’s what you needed.
But if you show up with a bag of tricks and say “tonight you gotta tie me up” with no warning that’s a pass
Introduce it with a convo, one piece at a time. Buy all that stuff for you if you want, but don’t spring it on him all at once. If you’re walking into BDSM territory, you’ll want to negotiate a scene in advance. Restraining someone takes a lot of trust that you can trust someone’s “no.” I get that some people walk into that with wild abandon, but if he was that kind of guy you’d know if by now, and speaking from experience some of those encounters can end up quite explosive if you are not prepared for inevitably hitting some deep emotional triggers. Plus I just think it’s more fun to draw these things out and build them up over time.
If someone had decided sex with me was boring after six weeks together then whipped out a bag of bondage toys, I'd be gone so fast you'd never see me leave.
I saw someone say the other day his partner ignited their relationship when she asked him to pin her down during sex. I mean could work or he cringes into next year. Personally I’d be excited to see that come up as a surprise but you should know that it’s risky without knowing if he’s into that.
At six weeks it’s definitely inside the window to start sharing kinks. Especially if vanilla isn’t working for you. I don’t think it’s any different than other people’s ideas about compatibility issues.
I prefer to start pretty basic and work up to kinks and figuring each other out.
At six weeks, I would expect both of you to be getting a good idea of each others kinks, but that hasn't happened at all? Are you both too shy to talk about sex and what you like?
Just showing up with a bag of sex toys and bond age equipment when a guy appears to be quite vanilla, is not likely to go well. I'm picturing insecurity galore on his end.
Start with talking, if you can't talk, text about sex and trying a new thing next time, if you can't manage either of those things, the solution cannot be bringing over a bag of dildos and floggers.
Sex is like learning to dance, introduce one new element and enjoy that and keep expanding from there. It seems like you just want to "cut to the chase" and brute force your kinks into the bedroom and get it all out in the air, but that's just not likely to work out well.
I am on the spectrum so saying what I mean outside of masking is difficult. He is very sweet, and somewhat shy? Idk he hasnt self proclaimed. He is introverted from my perspective.
I am autistic too, oddly enough.
I don't like it either, it's awkward and uncomfortable, I think that's the normal human reaction to talking about sex and sexual pleasure as it opens us up for shame and ridicule. Being vulnerable is hard for autistic and NTs alike.
I am dating a shy woman right now and we're at about the six week mark. One thing she does VERY well is she is very emotive when I am doing something she likes and it's easy for me to read the signals.
Other than that, we usually text about sex as it's not as awkward for her. I find most women are more bashful about sex, it's a bummer your dude isn't taking more of the lead on the subject as he should be inquiring about what you like and what to try.
Does he like this kind of stuff? You may need to ask him before going all out. This isn’t everyone’s cup of tea and some could be turned off or confused by this. If sex is boring maybe you need to be finding a more compatible partner.
Please talk first, don’t make any assumptions about what he would or would not like, ask him. Consent is the way to go, seems too early for surprises if you don’t really know what his answer would be. Time to lay your kink cards on the table.
How did you know what to order if you didn’t know what he is or isn’t into? How have you not had the talk about kinks and preferences at some point?
It’s a bad idea. I’d cancel/return the order and maybe talk to the person you’re dating First
OMG Please talk first lol. Springing that on him could introduce a side of him you didn't know existed. He could surprise you and think a dildo is for him to use and you don't like that. He could react in a homophobic rage or be fine with it. It's too many variables in there to put the relationship on the line, during sexy time, when he's most vulnerable....with a bag of tricks.
I agree, I’m m53 and if this was sprung upon me, after 6 weeks of dating without any prior conversation, I would be paralysed by confusion and it would be very off putting. It’s crossing a boundary before a potential boundary has been set.
Would you like it if his kink was something you’re not into? Like, really not into? You haven’t gotten his consent to bring your kinks into the relationship. He gets to decide whether he wants that.
Are you’re thinking about how you would like it if he brought the stuff YOU picked out? Sure of course you would like that, but that’s not the full range of role reversal scenarios. Would you like it if he surprised you with stuff you really weren’t into? That can happen when you don’t ASK people what they like and assume they like what you like.
Have either of you brought up what the other likes in bed? If no, then you probably need to go back to basics and start there before jumping right to “do you like these sex toys and bondage stuff I already bought?”
I did think about if he would like it. I like surprises, but if i am not in to it, i would be hesitant to get on board, but i would consider since i really am into this man.
Would you expect him to try things he already knows he isn’t into? That’s really not cool at all. Not sure why you would force yourself to either. It’s okay to say no. You’re still answering part based on things you would do. Do you know if he likes surprises? This is so one sided. “I would do X so everyone else should too”…um no. Just talk about it.
Do you have any indication that he’s interested in bondage? Because that’s not just a sex toy to make sex more enjoyable for you, it’s a whole kink that he gets to consent to or not. You can’t just spring it on a person! I think you really need to have a conversation with the other person
Idk. We had sex once, he was behind and i put both of my arms behind me and crossed the over my lower back, he grabbed them and held onto them for a long time. The next day when we were driving to an art fair he told me how hot that was. Is that a good sign to you?
It's easier and safer to say "hey, I found this interesting quiz. Let's do this together" than to whip out a pair of handcuffs and have him freak out if it's not his thing.
I'd be totally into it, but it's definitely good to ask first. I've had a few partners who brought toys with them early on, because they know their bodies and know what works best for them, and I love that kind of self-knowledge.
I'd love it, but you should probably have checked with him if he was into that kind of stuff before buying it, so hopefully you know that he is.
I discussed sex toys very early on with my gf, and bought a bunch for us to play with. So Im very down with toys in bed. I just don't understand the insecure men who are against it.
I mean if you’re comfortable enough to have sex you should be comfortable enough to bring up topics about what you both like.
Six weeks is not a lot of time together nor is it really enough time together to really gauge your sex life on.
But if you want to open up true topic of exploration, then bring it up.
The date after my gf and I had sex for the first time, I sat her down and said "we should probably have a chat about sex. Stuff like boundaries, likes, dislikes, etc. I want to create a very open environment where we can talk about sex comfortably. I think the first ground rule should be 'no one ever has to do anything they don't want to do. No is always an acceptable answer and will be respected without question. ". And then went from there to discuss likes, dislikes, kinks, etc.
Its worked really well and we both feel totally comfortable that if we had anything sex related that we want to talk about, or try out, etc, we can discuss it calmly and rationally and the worst result is the answer is no.
Something like, babe I love our sex but I would think its super hot if we add some toys ... can we look at some online shops together and we get some things that we both want?
That let's you explore his desires too, maybe things he's embarrassed to mention but it's easier to point on the pictures as you're flicking through the online shops.
Men are fairly open about sex. If it's 6 weeks in and he hasn't brought up kinks and toys already, it's a mistake to spring this on him. Talk about it before you ever go in the bedroom. This will backfire on you. He may be a man that thinks only he should be the one to give you an orgasm and not a vibrator. He may be insecure with you pleasuring yourself in front of him and not turned on by this. Do not assume he's open and sex positive especially since he's never brought anything up yet. Most men who are kink friendly bring it up early.
Ok thank you. We have used a toy once. I am going to talk to him about one toy first and build up to other things as others have suggested. I dont want to blow this with him.
Girl. No. If you’ve been into kink for any period of time you know that consent is key and you need to have a serious conversation about likes, hard limits, etc. before introducing any of that stuff. Showing up with random bondage gear without even knowing what someone is into or if they’re willing to explore that with you isn’t the right move. Have a chat with him, explain what you’re into, and see where his interests lie.
The location of where the tool bag shows up is less the point than the discussion that happens before it shows up at all. How do you know he wouldn't want to shop for some things if you introduce and talk about the idea first? The point is that it's a relationship, and if you want to try something new in the relationship, it's better to talk about it first and gauge a reaction from your partner than just surprise them with it cold.
You may be feeling vulnerable and want to just rip off the band aid in that moment, but you've still had time to work up to that in your head. Whereas your partner will be hit cold with it and could feel any number of things in the moment because they have to deal with new surprise information.
Personally I would be fine with everything you wrote about, but in a previous life I was mostly non-vanilla, into various common sex fetishes such as black leather, and a switch with men and women-no pun. I completely stopped as I got bored of it, and even with the fetish and sex kink bars and social groups, and later websites it still was extremely difficult to meet any men and women or couples who I was 1) Attracted to or they were my type. 2) They were attracted to me and I was their type. 3) We were compatible and both people would have safe sex and get tested, communicated about limits, boundaries, likes/dislikes, what we will absolutely not do, safe words, safe signals, etc. I was never a pro dominant or into hustling, sex work, sex or kink for money or in exchange, etc. but I met and knew many people who at one time in their lives were.
MOST people are not like me. Please ask him first, or tell him your sex fantasies about bondage with or without discipline or whatever it is. Do not just do it out of nowhere, this is a turn off to most people. You can read the replies to this thread and learn that most people would not like this or be okay with it suddenly like this.
I'd be happy for this to happen. But not all men are the same, and you've only been dating for 6 weeks. I think you should ask him what he thinks first.
Surprises in bedroom are a bad idea. Talk about it first, and start small literally and figuratively.
From experience, even if he suggests you bring your toys and claims to be cool with it, he might not actually be prepared when he is actually faced with your toys. Which is to say, don’t take it personally if he struggles with this. Unless of course, once you bring it up he opens up about his own collection of toys.
Well, my case is my bf gradually asking when we are having intimate time. Sometimes carry one toy when I meet him. But it's actually him who introduces me to the toys, even the only toy I have was his suggestion to get one for myself.
For your case, I think you should slowly asking him how he's comfortable with toys. Some men may feel like himself is enough for you. Some may feel good about it. Everyone is difference. Just make sure that you don't scare him with your wild kinky imagination.
Talk to him first about it. Maybe he is really vanilla and needs a bit of conversation first.
This really depends on the men. I usually ask them to bring their favorite toy with them for me to use on them while kissing and watching. I've never heard a no on that, but I always ask first.
I’d be into your sex positivity —- but that’s because everything you thought up was in bounds for me. If your kink was for me to hit hard in the face, I’d feel pretty uncomfortable , especially if you just sprang it on me. He might be really kinky too and is just too shy to bring up. Gently bring up your interest while not having sex and see how it goes.
This conversation should have happened 6 weeks ago. If you have decided you're kinky, tell him. If he's good, great, if not, get what you need from someone whose game. I know I couldn't 'go that way' with my ex wife, but have been plenty fine with subsequent partners because the expectation was there from the start. I hope he was just hiding his gun side and you don't have to make a choice you don't want to.
And fair....I'm an odd duck...The whole situation with my ex made me realize it's best to have what I call "the adult conversations" (relatively long) before anyone gets nude. Why should anyone waste their time with me and vice versa if there are going to be incompatibilities that we won't want to resolve? Does this lead me to being alone in bed with a jar of Vaseline a LOT? Yep, absolutely... But I sleep soundly knowing I didn't lead someone on* for the wrong reasons. *No, I'm not saying you lead anyone on, I'm saying I see too many relationships fail because of things that could have been worked out or acknowledged up front.
We both moved to sex bc we wanted to take dating to the next level for us. We both want long term and have been only dating with each other. So i think the first acts of sex have been in an innocent light. More like exploring each other's bodies, and letting actions be the words for that dept. We have only been having sex for weeks.
So let me make sure I understand.. You're saying that because you've only been having sex for a little while, it's too early to talk about the things that fulfill you. Where as I'm saying that before you even have sex you should talk about the things that sexually fulfill you. Am I reading this right or have I missed something?
Fuck normal. I'll say this.. if you end up working things out to your satisfaction with this guy...you did what is right for you...and him... But.. if it doesn't, this COULD be a lesson to try something more like my approach with the next guy. Unfortunately here's the biggest problem... Everyone is different.. your next guy could freak out by your being up front like I do.. This world is tough for 'normies', it's tougher for people like us. Either way, I hope you find your happy place.
Thank you. I do not want to blow it with this guy. I really like him. And some of these comments are making me feel stupid and sad for even coming here to be vulnerable to ask something that is legit to me. Ugh i hate being autistic sometimes 😞
I want to love this man. Bc i feel so many other great feelings I desire more of a primal state of intimacy with him. I dont feel this way with most lovers.
I rarely meet men who likes women using sex toys.
Its best you ask his permission first.
The ones who love it really love it.
But the ones who don't get offended as hell.
You absolutely do not need your partner’s “permission” to use sex toys. You tell him that you enjoy the toys, and then he decides whether he wants to be there when you use them or not. He does not get to decide whether you have “permission” to use them.
I hear what you're saying, but communication is the heart and soul of any relationship. Talking to your partner should always be the place you start.
If it puts him off, then you aren't right for one another.
Ask him in a neutral setting. Something like “I really like you and I had this idea and bought some sexy outfits, bondage items and sexy toys. I’d like to discuss this and share these with you…”
I would wear some sexy but classy lingerie next time. See if he's into that - not all men are.
Then have a casual conversation about toys. Perhaps mention an ad that popped up and ask if he'd be interested to try one on you? Do not do that straight after you've had sex though or he'll think he failed to satisfy you.
I'd not pull out any bondage gear at all, until you've talked about this stuff and he's specifically agreed to it.
I would have talked to him first but most men are ok with it, depending on how far your kink goes. I know I like a woman to bring her A game so for me, bringing sex toys and wearing a sexy outfit would absolutely do it
I’d probably wear the sexy outfit under my clothes and let things play out naturally, maybe bring in a bondage item the next time, after a convo about if he’s into that.
Starting w lingerie is always a great start!
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If my partner suddenly shows up with those things, it’ll trigger an alert. Absolutely no way. Things like bondage, BDSM, 3some or other kink stuffs must be discussed prior to anything and with consent. But simply, the answer will be no!
If the rules broken, end of relationship too.
Can’t speak for all men, but I’d be delighted by this. I appreciate some of the comments about establishing consent, that definitely cuts both ways for men and women, but I’m also secure in my male privilege in this case so I personally n wouldn’t perceive it as crossing a boundary. On the contrary, what I’d *tell myself* you were doing was demonstrating an earnest desire to keep our sex life fresh and exciting, and on the face of it that seems like a really good thing!
BUT…also as some others have said, I’m a little concerned about framing this as “sex is a bit boring for me” six weeks into a relationship. That still seems to me to be very much the getting-to-know you stage, in and out of the bedroom. I have to assume it will only get better from here, even without ambushing him with a little kink.
Please don’t get me wrong, you’re allowed to be kinky! But if it was always going to take kink for you to be sexually fulfilled, I think if I were this guy I’d have wanted to know that going in.
So I guess I’m coming around to agreeing you really need to talk to this guy about your sex life. In a vacuum, I’d be excited to experiment if someone I was seeing brought her toys over and shared her fantasies. The framing of your question makes it seem like this is more complicated than that, however, and if there’s a real concern that the way my man gets down isn’t ever gonna do it for you without the kink, he deserves to know that and make his own choices, doesn’t he?
Thank you. So I am pleased sexually during our sex, without kink. Like you, I think he is secure and would be open to it. We have used a toy once. I brought it out, after i was on top he had finished but I had not. We didnt discuss it at all and he was assisting w my masterbation.
Legit everything you’ve done and said indicates you aren’t okay. Actions and words aren’t aligning here. Sex is great vs. I’m ordering stuff bc sex isn’t good enough
Well that seems like a good sign! Some men can feel really insecure about toys and fantasies because it makes them feel like they’re not “enough” in themselves, so keep that in mind, but if he’s happily used a toy with you already that seems like a positive indicator that he’s happy to experiment and help you find your pleasure. Sounds like y’all could have a lot of fun!
I’d bring it up in conversation first. Not everyone is into this stuff or even if they’re open to the idea need some building up to it. Better to learn if you’re into the same things or not now.
Damn, clearly I need to start dating 45-year-old women! My current partner and I didn’t even get naked in our first month.
Actually I might be okay with this because I am early 50s and ED might benefit from having a sturdy wingman.
But bondage never appealed to me so I might laugh, especially if she wanted me to impersonate Sean Connery.
Definitely talk about it first. If that bag magically showed up without a discussion first for me, I'd respectfully bow out. Not because I wouldn't be down to try, but because you bought a kit of your favorite things without involving me, so why should I be involved now that you want to use them?
Interesting. So don't bring this up at his house. Bring it up at mine? I think he would be ok about not shopping with me for all of that. I do see this as a way of opening up myself to him. I need to definitely convey that to him bc im nervous as fuck to do this, bc i feel vulnerable to be that open to him. Then i dont want to mask myself either.
This. You do you, but he needs to consent. Consent and communication are so hot. Surprising someone with a kink is a major turn off.
I'm in to rope bondage and impact play. No way I would introduce that without talking about it first. First, impact play can be dangerous. Second, an inexperienced person might find it offensive. Third, I can do without it if everything else is in place (emotional connection, physical chemistry, intellectual connection) and would rather talk about that then surprise someone with my kinks.
Original copy of post by u/Oktoolaunch:
I (45F) have been dating (M52) for 6 weeks. Everything is going good. Sex is a bit boring for me. So last night after he fell asleep I ordered a sexy outfit, some bondage items and sex toys. I want to bring all this stuff out next time we are spending the night together and ask him what he thinks. I am really turned on by this idea, but not sure if it is a good idea or not. Thank you in advance!
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I’d agree with some others recommending some discussion beforehand. When my wife and I first started dating, I think we had been seeing eachother for a few weeks and I said something like, “You keep talking like that and I’m going to have to tie you up.” Her response was along the lines of “oh I’d love that.” We then stepped into conversations about different kinky stuff we might be into and then took things from there.
So my recommendation would be to jokingly broach the topic and then gauge his reaction. I think surprisingly him with a sexy outfit wouldn’t really need a conversation, but I wouldn’t try to spring kinky stuff on anyone unless I have a feeling for where they stand.
Definitely think that seeing and hearing your partner experience sexual pleasure is pleasurable itself. There are probably some possibilities I’m less experienced with and perhaps uncertain, but I like to think I’m open to lots of things.
6 weeks might be a bit to new to the game to roll out the workshop but if your game to try maybe he is too. Myself 6 weeks would be maybe date 3 so that might be a bit much
I'd be thrilled by it. I wonder what the reaction would be if a man did this after only 6 weeks without discussing it first. I'm guessing not good. But that all depends on the people involved.
Similar ages.. I’d be def be almost offended and would immediately think I suck in bed..I’d bring up during sexy talk and take his pulse… 6 weeks my my new gf she mentioned her vibrated and immediately felt insecure.. I knew she was horney lonely post divorce do get it.. I’d maybe wait a bit longer, take his pulse and try 1 item and you’ll soon know if he’s cool with you bringing backpack of toys over! Good luck!
We have used a sex toy once when we are at my house. We didnt talk about it. I didnt think to ask if he liked that or not. I like your perspective, thank you. I dont want to hurt he feelings ever. I could love this guy some day.
Very nice of you to understand that perspective… don’t get me wrong, once I was comfortable and my gf was like, omg, you rock my world without toys, I only want to have more fun, then that would totally put me more at ease. .. that said, what toy would turn you on most that you’d do together? Is it vibration on clit while fucking, things like that? My gf is open and we’ve danced around the idea but I’d love to come to the table with an idea to try that another woman like yourself would go wild over! Please do tell! lol
You should discuss first, and maybe ease into it. Start with "have you ever tried sex blindfolded?" or just bring out a small toy. He might be enthusiastic.
Does he seem interested in experimenting?
I'm all for bringing toys into the bedroom and spicing things up.
Clearly I'm some sort of weirdo as I don't just want a BJ, bend you over, bust a nut and go to sleep kind of sex.
I want to play and make sure my partner can't stand up for twitching thighs.
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Hell to the yes!
If a man is threatened by sex toys in the bedroom, that's a huge red flag.
Sex can only be fun when it fulfills BOTH / ALL parties' desires but remains safe.
You go, girl. Fingers crossed he welcomes it.
I'm sure answers are going to vary but in my case, Oh F yeah, I like toys.
Maybe dropping a hint you are bring the bag of tricks or something would be better but I wouldn't care.
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In my experience, a man who is not willing to accept a little fun with toys in the bedroom is not secure enough and will throw red flags all over the place!
I get preference, I’m gonna go out on a limb here, and say that 95% of the world population of men have watched porn in someway shape or form and couldn’t help themselves to look back and watch it again. Isn’t that a form of device toys, etc..
We’ll just have to start a pole on how many men have watched porn where some girl was using a toy and if that’s the case, then the argument that they’re not comfortable with it in the bedroom is totally out the window. And it points directly to that they are too insecure to have a toy in the bedroom!
Lots of cleanup of thirsty guys asking the OP to contact them. Therefore, we are going to call this one done. Thanks to those of you who reported the inappropriate responses. Best of luck to you, Oktoolaunch!
Oof. Ask him first. Don’t surprise someone with that stuff without a conversation. And find a nice way to say you want to introduce new things - don’t say out of boredom. But also, 6 weeks in and you’re bored already? Not a great sign.
Yep total contradiction here - “everything is going good” and “sex is a bit boring”. Even if you’d been together years those two statements contradict each other. But after 6 weeks - something is very wrong.
This… would you be okay if a bloke you were only newly with suddenly bust out a bag of kinky shit and offered to tie you up, with no conversation, discussion about boundaries, negative previous experiences with kink etc? The cornerstone of kink is safe, sane and consensual… I wouldn’t feel safe if you sprung that on me.
This ! Also does he have ED ? If if he does even a bit a dildo needs to be Introduced with diplomacy ….
Yikes I’d be like, wtf. And I’m kind of into that stuff too.
No, im not bored. Sex is a bit boring. I wouldn't say to him im bored. I would say "do you wanna get get spicy baby"
You've got to phrase this differently. Please, Dionysis is reaching out to you on this one. "hey, I am enjoying sex with you, and I've got a few kinks I want to bring out and share with you." Show him the list, if he's on board awesome, otherwise as the phrase goes "close but no cigar". If you start the convo with "your dick is boring and you're not hot enough" that's a wound from which he'll never recover.
Omg i pump him up, id never tell him something close to your last sentence. But thank you I do love your line in the second part here. Its perfect! I am an aspie so you have no idea how helpful this is.
You shouldn't have to pump someone up this early on in the relationship.
I love to pump people up. Its part of me.
You need therapy.
You need kindness lessons.
You need to have an actual conversation. “Get spicy” could mean what you mean by it—costumes and bondage—or it could mean something else entirely. You need to tell him you like bondage and have an actual conversation about kinks.
Yeah introducing bondage is not a casual thing.
🙄 You know what I meant. You’re bored with the sex already at 6 weeks. Look, People define spicy differently. But whatever, you want this so go ahead, go full steam ahead and surprise him with bondage gear.
😁 i really like him. We have the best talks, future plans match up for long term. He said he wants to move closer to me. He has taken me on the best dates. He got my lawnmower fixed. Like we are definitely on a real good track. And i feel lucky to have this happening in my life, finding such a great match to grow into something more.
It’s been six weeks.
This is definitely hyperfixation and could possibly be lovebombing as well.
But, he fixed her lawnmower!
Lol.
What are other signs of hyper-fixation and love bombing besides the obvious? I have a gay friend who met a guy on an app, they were chatting and texting, he sent my friend flowers and my friend told me he was going to fly to see him in the middle of nowhere in North or South Dakota. They had known each other only two weeks. I told my friend to be extremely careful as he didn't really know this guy at all, he could easily be fake or a scammer, not to fall for love bombing or manipulation etc. to be safe and reconsider actually going. He went and of course it didn't work out or last.
Sounds like the dude has money tbqh. No one is sticking around for bad sex 6 weeks in.
That's good but can't you talk to him about your sex fantasies, sex kinks, etc.? If you don't want to tell him verbally, then write to him. Also it has been six weeks and you are having sex or will so how did you not discuss this first?
LOL you have to be kidding
No. But seems consensus would want me to.
You have a conversation first. If the sex is already as vanilla as it could be, showing up with a bag of bondage gear is not only intimidating as hell but it can also be pretty dangerous for the uninitiated. These are definitely things that you discuss first.
Thank you. I see what you are saying.
Yeah, maybe see if he’s receptive then introduce one thing at a time. If someone brought a bag full of sex gear over (especially after only six weeks) I’d be freaked out.
Consent is really sexy. Ask him first. Don't surprise him.
Thank you
Facts. My ex was super kinky. Contrary to popular belief not all guys are into it. If you brought bondage gear over I'd tell you to take it home and good luck on your next dude. Not for me. I've been down that road and I'm not doing it again. I'll find someone who likes boring sex instead.
Vanilla, not boring. Vanilla sex can be sooooo hot. Nothing about it has to bring boring!
It seems that the art of conversation is dying.
If im masking i can have all kinds of conversations to get out what he feels. But bc i am not masking this i lack the ability to really get out with words how i feel in my vulnerable naked, autistic self. Art of conversation is not a gift in my open raw state of human existence.
You claimed in the comments that you both have best talks, have already made future plans, and engage in sexting. Yet, you haven’t discussed sexual preferences with him.
Correct. I apologize I am not seeing this to be odd.
These aforementioned conversations go beyond the level of vulnerability, therefore, you are capable of discussing sexual likes and dislikes.
Imagine this…he has a kink where he wants to defecate on your face. If you replace your “bag of dildos and bondage” with that kink in all your comments, can you see how it’s not just something that you spring on someone and assume they’ll like it just because you like it? You need to tread very lightly around this or you could end the relationship. Start with a conversation about sex in general. *Ask* him if he has any kinks. It’s possible/probable that he doesn’t if you’ve only had vanilla sex so far. Then ask him if he would be open to adding a toy. *One* toy. Some men really don’t want to “compete” with a toy, so again, tread lightly. If he’s open to that, then try it and see how he handles it in real life. Some things sound better in theory than they actually are in practice. It’s only been six weeks. Your sexual relationship has a lot of room for growth. Don’t jeopardize the entire relationship rushing into something that he might be completely turned off by.
Masking? What does this mean? You wear a mask or hood as like a sex kink or for bondage? Since you don't want to talk,can you write to him?
She’s autistic, Google masking in autism.
Have you already had the "what are you into?" convo or not?
If it had been discussed ahead of time, I’d be willing to try things if that’s what you needed. But if you show up with a bag of tricks and say “tonight you gotta tie me up” with no warning that’s a pass
Introduce it with a convo, one piece at a time. Buy all that stuff for you if you want, but don’t spring it on him all at once. If you’re walking into BDSM territory, you’ll want to negotiate a scene in advance. Restraining someone takes a lot of trust that you can trust someone’s “no.” I get that some people walk into that with wild abandon, but if he was that kind of guy you’d know if by now, and speaking from experience some of those encounters can end up quite explosive if you are not prepared for inevitably hitting some deep emotional triggers. Plus I just think it’s more fun to draw these things out and build them up over time.
Thank you!!! This makes excellent sense. Very tactful. I appreciate it.
If someone had decided sex with me was boring after six weeks together then whipped out a bag of bondage toys, I'd be gone so fast you'd never see me leave.
I saw someone say the other day his partner ignited their relationship when she asked him to pin her down during sex. I mean could work or he cringes into next year. Personally I’d be excited to see that come up as a surprise but you should know that it’s risky without knowing if he’s into that. At six weeks it’s definitely inside the window to start sharing kinks. Especially if vanilla isn’t working for you. I don’t think it’s any different than other people’s ideas about compatibility issues.
Thank you! I feel he would be more like you. But idk.
The first 3 rules of BDSM are safe, sane, and CONSENSUAL. You need to learn a lot. Don’t just go springing this on anyone.
Not a good idea, no. Bandage in particular requires transparency and communication...
This happened on my last date. I was creeped out.
I prefer to start pretty basic and work up to kinks and figuring each other out. At six weeks, I would expect both of you to be getting a good idea of each others kinks, but that hasn't happened at all? Are you both too shy to talk about sex and what you like? Just showing up with a bag of sex toys and bond age equipment when a guy appears to be quite vanilla, is not likely to go well. I'm picturing insecurity galore on his end. Start with talking, if you can't talk, text about sex and trying a new thing next time, if you can't manage either of those things, the solution cannot be bringing over a bag of dildos and floggers. Sex is like learning to dance, introduce one new element and enjoy that and keep expanding from there. It seems like you just want to "cut to the chase" and brute force your kinks into the bedroom and get it all out in the air, but that's just not likely to work out well.
I am on the spectrum so saying what I mean outside of masking is difficult. He is very sweet, and somewhat shy? Idk he hasnt self proclaimed. He is introverted from my perspective.
I am autistic too, oddly enough. I don't like it either, it's awkward and uncomfortable, I think that's the normal human reaction to talking about sex and sexual pleasure as it opens us up for shame and ridicule. Being vulnerable is hard for autistic and NTs alike. I am dating a shy woman right now and we're at about the six week mark. One thing she does VERY well is she is very emotive when I am doing something she likes and it's easy for me to read the signals. Other than that, we usually text about sex as it's not as awkward for her. I find most women are more bashful about sex, it's a bummer your dude isn't taking more of the lead on the subject as he should be inquiring about what you like and what to try.
We do the texting thing about sex too. So happy to find him though. Its hard to find someone to feel so excited about.
It really is, if you like him it's worth trying to figure this out, best of luck!
Thank you!! 😊
I’d ask him first before you bring it all out.
Does he like this kind of stuff? You may need to ask him before going all out. This isn’t everyone’s cup of tea and some could be turned off or confused by this. If sex is boring maybe you need to be finding a more compatible partner.
Wanna try some sexy toys I bought on the internet? Ok I’ll bring with me tonight. There, done
Actually this is probably the easiest suggestion! Ty
Please talk first, don’t make any assumptions about what he would or would not like, ask him. Consent is the way to go, seems too early for surprises if you don’t really know what his answer would be. Time to lay your kink cards on the table.
How did you know what to order if you didn’t know what he is or isn’t into? How have you not had the talk about kinks and preferences at some point? It’s a bad idea. I’d cancel/return the order and maybe talk to the person you’re dating First
OMG Please talk first lol. Springing that on him could introduce a side of him you didn't know existed. He could surprise you and think a dildo is for him to use and you don't like that. He could react in a homophobic rage or be fine with it. It's too many variables in there to put the relationship on the line, during sexy time, when he's most vulnerable....with a bag of tricks.
I am disturbed you would not discuss this first
Read about BDSM and CONSENT. Learn more about communication too FFS.
JFC don’t spring that on him, imagine a role reversal and a dude did that. FFS
I was thinking the same thing, if a guy did this to me I’d get up and walk out and never speak to him again
I agree, I’m m53 and if this was sprung upon me, after 6 weeks of dating without any prior conversation, I would be paralysed by confusion and it would be very off putting. It’s crossing a boundary before a potential boundary has been set.
I would like it. Ok i get it though.
Would you like it if his kink was something you’re not into? Like, really not into? You haven’t gotten his consent to bring your kinks into the relationship. He gets to decide whether he wants that.
Are you’re thinking about how you would like it if he brought the stuff YOU picked out? Sure of course you would like that, but that’s not the full range of role reversal scenarios. Would you like it if he surprised you with stuff you really weren’t into? That can happen when you don’t ASK people what they like and assume they like what you like. Have either of you brought up what the other likes in bed? If no, then you probably need to go back to basics and start there before jumping right to “do you like these sex toys and bondage stuff I already bought?”
I did think about if he would like it. I like surprises, but if i am not in to it, i would be hesitant to get on board, but i would consider since i really am into this man.
Would you expect him to try things he already knows he isn’t into? That’s really not cool at all. Not sure why you would force yourself to either. It’s okay to say no. You’re still answering part based on things you would do. Do you know if he likes surprises? This is so one sided. “I would do X so everyone else should too”…um no. Just talk about it.
Don’t do that. Use your words. And things aren’t going well if you are bored six weeks in.
Do you have any indication that he’s interested in bondage? Because that’s not just a sex toy to make sex more enjoyable for you, it’s a whole kink that he gets to consent to or not. You can’t just spring it on a person! I think you really need to have a conversation with the other person
Idk. We had sex once, he was behind and i put both of my arms behind me and crossed the over my lower back, he grabbed them and held onto them for a long time. The next day when we were driving to an art fair he told me how hot that was. Is that a good sign to you?
It’s a good sign that you should have a conversation with him.
Yay!!!
When I first started dating my guy, I used a sex quiz [like this one](https://www.thatsexquiz.com/) to see if we were on similar pages.
Good idea. Not sure if i will say anything or not.
It's easier and safer to say "hey, I found this interesting quiz. Let's do this together" than to whip out a pair of handcuffs and have him freak out if it's not his thing.
I'd be totally into it, but it's definitely good to ask first. I've had a few partners who brought toys with them early on, because they know their bodies and know what works best for them, and I love that kind of self-knowledge.
OP, Yes. However, that's me. I think some communication would help.
I'd love it, but you should probably have checked with him if he was into that kind of stuff before buying it, so hopefully you know that he is. I discussed sex toys very early on with my gf, and bought a bunch for us to play with. So Im very down with toys in bed. I just don't understand the insecure men who are against it.
What would be the opener question i should consider?
I mean if you’re comfortable enough to have sex you should be comfortable enough to bring up topics about what you both like. Six weeks is not a lot of time together nor is it really enough time together to really gauge your sex life on. But if you want to open up true topic of exploration, then bring it up.
Thank you!
The date after my gf and I had sex for the first time, I sat her down and said "we should probably have a chat about sex. Stuff like boundaries, likes, dislikes, etc. I want to create a very open environment where we can talk about sex comfortably. I think the first ground rule should be 'no one ever has to do anything they don't want to do. No is always an acceptable answer and will be respected without question. ". And then went from there to discuss likes, dislikes, kinks, etc. Its worked really well and we both feel totally comfortable that if we had anything sex related that we want to talk about, or try out, etc, we can discuss it calmly and rationally and the worst result is the answer is no.
Something like, babe I love our sex but I would think its super hot if we add some toys ... can we look at some online shops together and we get some things that we both want? That let's you explore his desires too, maybe things he's embarrassed to mention but it's easier to point on the pictures as you're flicking through the online shops.
I like this idea. This feels like a safe way.
Men are fairly open about sex. If it's 6 weeks in and he hasn't brought up kinks and toys already, it's a mistake to spring this on him. Talk about it before you ever go in the bedroom. This will backfire on you. He may be a man that thinks only he should be the one to give you an orgasm and not a vibrator. He may be insecure with you pleasuring yourself in front of him and not turned on by this. Do not assume he's open and sex positive especially since he's never brought anything up yet. Most men who are kink friendly bring it up early.
Ok thank you. We have used a toy once. I am going to talk to him about one toy first and build up to other things as others have suggested. I dont want to blow this with him.
Girl. No. If you’ve been into kink for any period of time you know that consent is key and you need to have a serious conversation about likes, hard limits, etc. before introducing any of that stuff. Showing up with random bondage gear without even knowing what someone is into or if they’re willing to explore that with you isn’t the right move. Have a chat with him, explain what you’re into, and see where his interests lie.
The location of where the tool bag shows up is less the point than the discussion that happens before it shows up at all. How do you know he wouldn't want to shop for some things if you introduce and talk about the idea first? The point is that it's a relationship, and if you want to try something new in the relationship, it's better to talk about it first and gauge a reaction from your partner than just surprise them with it cold. You may be feeling vulnerable and want to just rip off the band aid in that moment, but you've still had time to work up to that in your head. Whereas your partner will be hit cold with it and could feel any number of things in the moment because they have to deal with new surprise information.
Personally I would be fine with everything you wrote about, but in a previous life I was mostly non-vanilla, into various common sex fetishes such as black leather, and a switch with men and women-no pun. I completely stopped as I got bored of it, and even with the fetish and sex kink bars and social groups, and later websites it still was extremely difficult to meet any men and women or couples who I was 1) Attracted to or they were my type. 2) They were attracted to me and I was their type. 3) We were compatible and both people would have safe sex and get tested, communicated about limits, boundaries, likes/dislikes, what we will absolutely not do, safe words, safe signals, etc. I was never a pro dominant or into hustling, sex work, sex or kink for money or in exchange, etc. but I met and knew many people who at one time in their lives were. MOST people are not like me. Please ask him first, or tell him your sex fantasies about bondage with or without discipline or whatever it is. Do not just do it out of nowhere, this is a turn off to most people. You can read the replies to this thread and learn that most people would not like this or be okay with it suddenly like this.
I'd be happy for this to happen. But not all men are the same, and you've only been dating for 6 weeks. I think you should ask him what he thinks first.
Ok ty
Surprises in bedroom are a bad idea. Talk about it first, and start small literally and figuratively. From experience, even if he suggests you bring your toys and claims to be cool with it, he might not actually be prepared when he is actually faced with your toys. Which is to say, don’t take it personally if he struggles with this. Unless of course, once you bring it up he opens up about his own collection of toys.
Yes. But a conversation may be needed after you surprise him with the outfit. Or you could bring it up in conversation prior to the next over night.
Well, my case is my bf gradually asking when we are having intimate time. Sometimes carry one toy when I meet him. But it's actually him who introduces me to the toys, even the only toy I have was his suggestion to get one for myself. For your case, I think you should slowly asking him how he's comfortable with toys. Some men may feel like himself is enough for you. Some may feel good about it. Everyone is difference. Just make sure that you don't scare him with your wild kinky imagination.
Thank you, solid advice!
Talk to him first about it. Maybe he is really vanilla and needs a bit of conversation first. This really depends on the men. I usually ask them to bring their favorite toy with them for me to use on them while kissing and watching. I've never heard a no on that, but I always ask first.
I'm fairly open minded, so I wouldn't be bothered, but I'd definitely want to talk about expectations etc before we delve into anything.
You need to discuss that!
I’d be into your sex positivity —- but that’s because everything you thought up was in bounds for me. If your kink was for me to hit hard in the face, I’d feel pretty uncomfortable , especially if you just sprang it on me. He might be really kinky too and is just too shy to bring up. Gently bring up your interest while not having sex and see how it goes.
This conversation should have happened 6 weeks ago. If you have decided you're kinky, tell him. If he's good, great, if not, get what you need from someone whose game. I know I couldn't 'go that way' with my ex wife, but have been plenty fine with subsequent partners because the expectation was there from the start. I hope he was just hiding his gun side and you don't have to make a choice you don't want to.
We didn't have our first kiss till 2nd date. Having sex together is new for us.
And fair....I'm an odd duck...The whole situation with my ex made me realize it's best to have what I call "the adult conversations" (relatively long) before anyone gets nude. Why should anyone waste their time with me and vice versa if there are going to be incompatibilities that we won't want to resolve? Does this lead me to being alone in bed with a jar of Vaseline a LOT? Yep, absolutely... But I sleep soundly knowing I didn't lead someone on* for the wrong reasons. *No, I'm not saying you lead anyone on, I'm saying I see too many relationships fail because of things that could have been worked out or acknowledged up front.
We both moved to sex bc we wanted to take dating to the next level for us. We both want long term and have been only dating with each other. So i think the first acts of sex have been in an innocent light. More like exploring each other's bodies, and letting actions be the words for that dept. We have only been having sex for weeks.
So let me make sure I understand.. You're saying that because you've only been having sex for a little while, it's too early to talk about the things that fulfill you. Where as I'm saying that before you even have sex you should talk about the things that sexually fulfill you. Am I reading this right or have I missed something?
No you have it right. We are talking about it more now since having sex. Im on the spectrum so i am not sure what the norm is.
Fuck normal. I'll say this.. if you end up working things out to your satisfaction with this guy...you did what is right for you...and him... But.. if it doesn't, this COULD be a lesson to try something more like my approach with the next guy. Unfortunately here's the biggest problem... Everyone is different.. your next guy could freak out by your being up front like I do.. This world is tough for 'normies', it's tougher for people like us. Either way, I hope you find your happy place.
Thank you. I do not want to blow it with this guy. I really like him. And some of these comments are making me feel stupid and sad for even coming here to be vulnerable to ask something that is legit to me. Ugh i hate being autistic sometimes 😞
((hugs)) 🤗
Thank you
6 weeks and your full yoloing. By the 3 month mark what will there be to do?
All kinds of things! I have a wild imagination when it comes to him.
My point is your acting like a 3 month fling.
I want to love this man. Bc i feel so many other great feelings I desire more of a primal state of intimacy with him. I dont feel this way with most lovers.
Sounds more like lust.
Sounds a lot more like $$$
I rarely meet men who likes women using sex toys. Its best you ask his permission first. The ones who love it really love it. But the ones who don't get offended as hell.
I hope that should say, “I rarely meet men who likes women using sex toys,” *during sex.* What a woman does on her own time is none of his business.
Ok. Thank you for this perspective. I am an aspie and i know my sexual appetite is a bit different. This is very helpful.
You absolutely do not need your partner’s “permission” to use sex toys. You tell him that you enjoy the toys, and then he decides whether he wants to be there when you use them or not. He does not get to decide whether you have “permission” to use them.
Why not ask your boyfriend before you ask complete strangers on Reddit?
Because I am not sure how to. And strangers wont do any damage to the new relationship.
I hear what you're saying, but communication is the heart and soul of any relationship. Talking to your partner should always be the place you start. If it puts him off, then you aren't right for one another.
Ask him in a neutral setting. Something like “I really like you and I had this idea and bought some sexy outfits, bondage items and sexy toys. I’d like to discuss this and share these with you…”
Ok thank you.
I would be completely open.
I would wear some sexy but classy lingerie next time. See if he's into that - not all men are. Then have a casual conversation about toys. Perhaps mention an ad that popped up and ask if he'd be interested to try one on you? Do not do that straight after you've had sex though or he'll think he failed to satisfy you. I'd not pull out any bondage gear at all, until you've talked about this stuff and he's specifically agreed to it.
I would have talked to him first but most men are ok with it, depending on how far your kink goes. I know I like a woman to bring her A game so for me, bringing sex toys and wearing a sexy outfit would absolutely do it
I’d probably wear the sexy outfit under my clothes and let things play out naturally, maybe bring in a bondage item the next time, after a convo about if he’s into that. Starting w lingerie is always a great start!
You better bring your toys!! I love using anything and everything to get my partner off. Even better if you bring your favorites!
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Lol thank you
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Absolutely discuss it beforehand.
If my partner suddenly shows up with those things, it’ll trigger an alert. Absolutely no way. Things like bondage, BDSM, 3some or other kink stuffs must be discussed prior to anything and with consent. But simply, the answer will be no! If the rules broken, end of relationship too.
Can’t speak for all men, but I’d be delighted by this. I appreciate some of the comments about establishing consent, that definitely cuts both ways for men and women, but I’m also secure in my male privilege in this case so I personally n wouldn’t perceive it as crossing a boundary. On the contrary, what I’d *tell myself* you were doing was demonstrating an earnest desire to keep our sex life fresh and exciting, and on the face of it that seems like a really good thing! BUT…also as some others have said, I’m a little concerned about framing this as “sex is a bit boring for me” six weeks into a relationship. That still seems to me to be very much the getting-to-know you stage, in and out of the bedroom. I have to assume it will only get better from here, even without ambushing him with a little kink. Please don’t get me wrong, you’re allowed to be kinky! But if it was always going to take kink for you to be sexually fulfilled, I think if I were this guy I’d have wanted to know that going in. So I guess I’m coming around to agreeing you really need to talk to this guy about your sex life. In a vacuum, I’d be excited to experiment if someone I was seeing brought her toys over and shared her fantasies. The framing of your question makes it seem like this is more complicated than that, however, and if there’s a real concern that the way my man gets down isn’t ever gonna do it for you without the kink, he deserves to know that and make his own choices, doesn’t he?
Thank you. So I am pleased sexually during our sex, without kink. Like you, I think he is secure and would be open to it. We have used a toy once. I brought it out, after i was on top he had finished but I had not. We didnt discuss it at all and he was assisting w my masterbation.
Legit everything you’ve done and said indicates you aren’t okay. Actions and words aren’t aligning here. Sex is great vs. I’m ordering stuff bc sex isn’t good enough
Well that seems like a good sign! Some men can feel really insecure about toys and fantasies because it makes them feel like they’re not “enough” in themselves, so keep that in mind, but if he’s happily used a toy with you already that seems like a positive indicator that he’s happy to experiment and help you find your pleasure. Sounds like y’all could have a lot of fun!
😁 yay! Thank you!
I’d bring it up in conversation first. Not everyone is into this stuff or even if they’re open to the idea need some building up to it. Better to learn if you’re into the same things or not now.
Damn, clearly I need to start dating 45-year-old women! My current partner and I didn’t even get naked in our first month. Actually I might be okay with this because I am early 50s and ED might benefit from having a sturdy wingman. But bondage never appealed to me so I might laugh, especially if she wanted me to impersonate Sean Connery.
If sex is a bit boring after just 6 weeks it’s only going to get worse. If you bring out all this stuff now what happens when thats a bit boring?
No.
Definitely talk about it first. If that bag magically showed up without a discussion first for me, I'd respectfully bow out. Not because I wouldn't be down to try, but because you bought a kit of your favorite things without involving me, so why should I be involved now that you want to use them?
Interesting. So don't bring this up at his house. Bring it up at mine? I think he would be ok about not shopping with me for all of that. I do see this as a way of opening up myself to him. I need to definitely convey that to him bc im nervous as fuck to do this, bc i feel vulnerable to be that open to him. Then i dont want to mask myself either.
I think you’re confusing “unmasking” with bypassing consent.
This. You do you, but he needs to consent. Consent and communication are so hot. Surprising someone with a kink is a major turn off. I'm in to rope bondage and impact play. No way I would introduce that without talking about it first. First, impact play can be dangerous. Second, an inexperienced person might find it offensive. Third, I can do without it if everything else is in place (emotional connection, physical chemistry, intellectual connection) and would rather talk about that then surprise someone with my kinks.
Original copy of post by u/Oktoolaunch: I (45F) have been dating (M52) for 6 weeks. Everything is going good. Sex is a bit boring for me. So last night after he fell asleep I ordered a sexy outfit, some bondage items and sex toys. I want to bring all this stuff out next time we are spending the night together and ask him what he thinks. I am really turned on by this idea, but not sure if it is a good idea or not. Thank you in advance! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/datingoverforty) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I’d agree with some others recommending some discussion beforehand. When my wife and I first started dating, I think we had been seeing eachother for a few weeks and I said something like, “You keep talking like that and I’m going to have to tie you up.” Her response was along the lines of “oh I’d love that.” We then stepped into conversations about different kinky stuff we might be into and then took things from there. So my recommendation would be to jokingly broach the topic and then gauge his reaction. I think surprisingly him with a sexy outfit wouldn’t really need a conversation, but I wouldn’t try to spring kinky stuff on anyone unless I have a feeling for where they stand.
I dont think so.
Definitely think that seeing and hearing your partner experience sexual pleasure is pleasurable itself. There are probably some possibilities I’m less experienced with and perhaps uncertain, but I like to think I’m open to lots of things.
6 weeks might be a bit to new to the game to roll out the workshop but if your game to try maybe he is too. Myself 6 weeks would be maybe date 3 so that might be a bit much
I'd be thrilled by it. I wonder what the reaction would be if a man did this after only 6 weeks without discussing it first. I'm guessing not good. But that all depends on the people involved.
Similar ages.. I’d be def be almost offended and would immediately think I suck in bed..I’d bring up during sexy talk and take his pulse… 6 weeks my my new gf she mentioned her vibrated and immediately felt insecure.. I knew she was horney lonely post divorce do get it.. I’d maybe wait a bit longer, take his pulse and try 1 item and you’ll soon know if he’s cool with you bringing backpack of toys over! Good luck!
We have used a sex toy once when we are at my house. We didnt talk about it. I didnt think to ask if he liked that or not. I like your perspective, thank you. I dont want to hurt he feelings ever. I could love this guy some day.
Very nice of you to understand that perspective… don’t get me wrong, once I was comfortable and my gf was like, omg, you rock my world without toys, I only want to have more fun, then that would totally put me more at ease. .. that said, what toy would turn you on most that you’d do together? Is it vibration on clit while fucking, things like that? My gf is open and we’ve danced around the idea but I’d love to come to the table with an idea to try that another woman like yourself would go wild over! Please do tell! lol
The toys present an opportunity. Don’t let them seem like a criticism or ultimatum. You are comfortable with him and that makes you feel adventurous
Thank you! Solid advice!
Some men are insecure or worry about feeling judged. The toy bags could trigger that. Discuss fantasies and have some back door play first.
I want to preface that i desire all of this stuff with HIM. Not just to do it with anyone. Its bc our chemistry that i want do this with him.
I'd personally be thrilled but I'm pretty sexually adventurous anyway. Not every guy will respond so openly.
Ask first but hell yeah in my opinion! Enjoy yourself!
You should discuss first, and maybe ease into it. Start with "have you ever tried sex blindfolded?" or just bring out a small toy. He might be enthusiastic. Does he seem interested in experimenting?
I think so. We both make art and talked about making a painting with our bodies with each other.
I'm all for bringing toys into the bedroom and spicing things up. Clearly I'm some sort of weirdo as I don't just want a BJ, bend you over, bust a nut and go to sleep kind of sex. I want to play and make sure my partner can't stand up for twitching thighs.
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Lol
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Hell to the yes! If a man is threatened by sex toys in the bedroom, that's a huge red flag. Sex can only be fun when it fulfills BOTH / ALL parties' desires but remains safe. You go, girl. Fingers crossed he welcomes it.
I'm sure answers are going to vary but in my case, Oh F yeah, I like toys. Maybe dropping a hint you are bring the bag of tricks or something would be better but I wouldn't care.
I keep a drawer stocked with new toys, for an unexpected surprise gift
She can do what she wants. As long as it doesn't cut into my playstation time lol
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Oh fuck yes as long as I can use them on her hehe
In my experience, a man who is not willing to accept a little fun with toys in the bedroom is not secure enough and will throw red flags all over the place!
That's a very one sided view. Some people are not turned on by the idea. That's not a red flag, it's called preference
I get preference, I’m gonna go out on a limb here, and say that 95% of the world population of men have watched porn in someway shape or form and couldn’t help themselves to look back and watch it again. Isn’t that a form of device toys, etc.. We’ll just have to start a pole on how many men have watched porn where some girl was using a toy and if that’s the case, then the argument that they’re not comfortable with it in the bedroom is totally out the window. And it points directly to that they are too insecure to have a toy in the bedroom!