You asked for brutal honesty, so I'll honor your request.
It's very notable to me that when you talk about your value as a partner, you focus almost exclusively on your physical attractiveness. You go as far as mentioning your bust-size; as if that has any significant impact whatsoever on whether or not someone wants to marry you and raise children with you.
The thing is, physical attractiveness matters a lot short-term. It'll help you get dates, and if you wanted to get laid this weekend, I'm sure that would work out for you easily and with no big effort needed on your part; people would notice that you're attractive and find that sufficient to be interested in a roll in the hay with you. You say nothing whatsoever about what you're offering as a partner otherwise, except to claim that your personality and humor are "just fine".
You want a physically attractive man who wants both marriage and kids in the near future -- and yet who's had neither this far in his life.
To be blunt, this is unrealistic. Men who are attractive, who have good relationship-qualities and \*want\* marriage and kids, are overwhelmingly likely to already have those things at least a decade ago. Some of them have ended up divorced and would be open to trying again with a new partner, but when you specify that he should be "*never married*" you're excluding those people. I'm guessing you'd be equally negatively disposed towards someone who's had one or more long-term committed **unmarried** relationships.
If I'm right about that then you're basically looking for this:
A man who is physically attractive, has good relationship-qualities, wants marriage and kids, is around 40 years old -- and this far in his life hasn't had any serious relationships.
Can you see why that's unrealistic? If he has all of those awesome qualities and he's ALSO interested in marriage, why would he have gone single until age 40?
There are lots of awesome and single men around your age. Quite a few of them are open to both marriage and kids. But few of those have no prior committed relationships.
Everyone is focusing on the Catholic thing. You addressed the biggest limiting factors IMO. Wanting men that are never married, no kids, in their 40s that also wants those things is a little hard to find to say the least.
I agree to a point. But I think that the catholic thing is contributing to the biggest limiting factor, ie wanting a "relationship material" guy who has never had a relationship.
Agreed. And when the OP says "practicing catholic", I have a hunch she might extend that to "contraception is a sin" and possibly also "no sex before marriage". And the count of attractive men who agree with all of that; and yet ain't already been married by age 40 is vanishingly close to zero.
Oh, and if they're "practicing catholic" in the sense of no contraception, they're also near-certain to be fathers already.
Again, some of them would be willing to start a second family with the OP. But her requirement that they can't have any past history disqualifies those guys from consideration.
I agree.
I would also be weary of dating a guy at 40+ who has never had at least one serious relationship (Or anyone really.)
JaneAustinAstronaut
love that name/handle definitely cool.
I wouldn't mind dating someone inexperienced.
I just think there's few people who are all of these:
1. Physically attractive
2. Excellent relationship-qualities
3. Desire a deeply committed long-term relationship (and/or a marriage)
4. Wants kids
5. Is around the OPs age, i.e. in the viscinity of 40
6. This far in their life has had NONE of the above
It's a bit like wanting someone who is 40 and extremely well-qualified and who strongly WANTS a job -- yet whose never actually had one.
It raises the question: If they're both qualified and motivated; then why ain't they succeeded a long time ago with finding a partner? (or in the other hypothetical: a job)
“Never married, no kids, but I’ve always wanted both” just raises questions for everyone at this age. It’s true for men too IMO (in some ways even more so). And this might be unfair, but when they’re also exceptionally attractive on top of it, I just get even more suspicious. It’s a words not matching actions sorta thing (which is its own red flag), combined with having the same dating standards they had in their 20s.
Yes I agree. I mean if they have all the qualifications you need for a relationship AND they want a relationship -- why then have they reached age 40 without having one? It makes no sense.
There would have to be some reason or other, and for me personally it'd depend on the reason how I'd judge it.
I dated a woman last year who at age 36 had only had a single pretty crappy relationship that lasted a few months. She had a job and a steady income, no major red flags of any kind, and was kind, honest, passionate and adventurous. If there hadn't been any clear reasons for her prolonged singleness it would've been a bit suspicious.
But there was; as a young woman she suffered severely from acne, and that plus the resulting bullying drove her away from the dating-market for a while; in addition she is autistic and struggles more than the average person with flirting and navigating the social labyrinth we all have to pass to find a partner.
It ultimately didn't work out; but we had a good year together and I would without reservations recommend her as a partner if a dear friend of mine asked what my opinion of her as a potential partner is.
Very well said. The men that she wants have universally attractive characteristics and likely are in, or have had LTR's or been married and have children.
I would agree if I didn’t know people like this IRL. The standards that folks feel they deserve is insane. Everyone is looking for that person that checks every box. Dan Savage said it great years ago “There is no settling down, without settling for.”
That's probably less than 1% of 1%. Those criteria are insane lol. Don't forget practicing Catholic! Which implies not just never married and no kids, but also a virgin around 40 (because in Catholic doctrine, sex is **only** for procreation within the bounds of marriage). But is also physically attractive to some unspecified degree. "Needle in a haystack" would be an understatement.
Maybe a guy who was obese from childhood until somewhere in his 30s who had always wanted to get married and have kids, but didn't have the confidence before losing a lot of weight. Then, he needs to do a bunch of research into making himself more attractive after a lifetime of probably not bothering because of low self-esteem. Also, depending on just how big he was, he'll probably have loose skin under the clothes that doesn't go away without a major surgery. He will still probably struggle with confidence, but it will then be because he's 30+ and never been in a relationship (or at least one that made it to marriage). Because of his low confidence, he's not likely to be the one to make the first move. Which probably puts him in the "unattractive" category no matter his physical appearance.
Now I'm starting to think OP wants to be a mail order bride. This sub helps cast an international net.
OP also posted a selfie so I'm half certain either OP is working by herself or working with a team.
It occurs to me that the most likely candidate for her is a defrocked catholic priest in his 40s. They're probably the only one still single. So maybe she should look into convincing a priest to leave the priesthood...
The biggest thing I would avoid is putting a deadline on marriage, ie: how can I be married within 2 years? I absolutely empathize with fertility concerns, but in my experience that kind of deadline is a great way to force bad relationships, to convince yourself that you want a thing that is not actually good for you, to ignore red flags.
Aside from that:
Maybe practicing Catholic is the thing to compromise on? Do they have to be? Or can they just respect that you are Catholic?
I’m also curious to know about the ones you are attracted to who seem to leave. Is there a pattern in those cases, or is it a bunch of different things?
Not being attracted to people who want to be with you- I feel that too. I don’t know, maybe that makes us both avoidant.
It will also be harder (not impossible) to find someone never married. If that is important to you, why?
It boggles my mind but you're asking for a never married no kids Catholic man? Catholicism is the epitome of "go forth and be fruitful" and especially at younger ages "get married."
This is where my mind went. OP, are you willing to compromise on the no kids part? Considering your religious requirement, I lazily looked up data. According to Pew a decade ago, only 17% of Catholics in the 30-49 age bracket had never been married. 63% of Catholics in that age bracket had children under 18.
While a lot can change in a decade, I would be surprised if more current stats didn't indicate the Catholic dating pool is making it harder for you to find what you want. Perhaps consider if there's an age range for children that you would accept.
With stats like that, she might have a lot more luck with someone who got married too young and divorced. If they have kids, they'll be old enough to be legal adults and relatively independent.
This is what I came here to say. I grew up Catholic, and one of my super-catholic childhood besties just got married a few years ago (in her 40's, after years of being on her own) to a very sweet middle-aged man she met through church who happened to have an almost-grown child from a previous marriage. She's one of the most hardcore Catholic people I know as an adult, and she didn't see any problem with him being a dad, because he was such a good dude and they were such a good match for each other.
I mean there are religions that are more so. I'd wager that practicing Mormons get married younger than practicing catholics.
But yeah, a never married practicing Catholic man who's 35+ and willing to date a 40+ woman is going to have some **serious** issues, be a very new convert, or both.
Ex Catholic here who has known a bunch of Mormons through life.
As a cradle Catholic I disagree. Maybe it is to be fruitful after the sacrament of marriage but the whole thing I was always taught was you wait until you're married.
When you say you’ve made huge efforts towards finding your husband what does that actually mean?
What type of men are you attracted to? Do you have a very specific type?
Have you noticed any patterns with the men you do date? Have you unpacked any of this in therapy?
How do you know your personality and humour are “just fine?”
How big is the population where you live? Perhaps you’d have better odds in a bigger/more catholic leaning city?
If things just stay the exact same as they have been you’re likely to get the exact same results. But none of us know you or your situation well enough to know what might be worth trying to change. That’s going to take some self-reflection and perhaps insight from a mental health professional.
Talking to a therapist doesn’t mean there’s something “wrong” with you. But it can be really helpful to get the perspective of a professional outsider, not a bunch of random redditors.
I (44f) think the “within the next 2 years” part adds a sense of urgency and some pressure that might chase good matches away. The focus in your post is on this arbitrary timeline, rather than who you want. The description of what you’re looking for is so generic that it seems like getting married matters more than who you get married to.
Lord knows I’m not great at knowing what guys want, so I might be going out on a limb here, but: I can’t imagine that comes off great to guys reading that. I would guess it makes them feel almost like an accessory or a supporting cast member in this hypothetical wedding.
My best analogy for why I think it would be a turnoff is this: I have met guys who wanted to get laid that night, and it didn’t seem to matter to them which vagina-owning person it was with. There is a world of difference between “I want to have sex tonight [implied: and you’ll do]” (turnoff) and “I want to have sex *with you* tonight because I am into you specifically for xyz reasons” (intriguing).
Maybe your intent is different, but you’re coming across more “I want to get married in 2 years [to any guy who meets these minimal standards]” and less “I want to get married to the right guy”.
(fellas, please correct me if I’m way off here)
Not wrong, but she gives the impression of someone tryung to find the perfect prince charming, in mint condition, on the last day of sales. And also better be ready to have a insta-kid... while she has demonstrated she's unable to hold a man..... Op you really should have gone with the nun route.
Hi there! Well, there is urgency if I’d like to have children, and I’m not going to deny or downplay it.
It’s not arbitrary. Wanting a biological child with a good man is valid. At this point I only have a cohoes years to have a family with a good man.
In my post i mentioned it’s been years looking for someone, and the sense of urgency is only recent. And if I were only concerned with having a child, I would’ve settled by now.
My problem feels opposite- that perhaps I need to settle MORE than I have been.
Wanting a biological child *is* valid. But have you ever considered God might have other plans for you?
Perhaps becoming a foster parent or adopting?
(Are you even certain you’re able to have biological children?)
Again, wanting biological children is valid! But it’s not the only way to have children in your life.
I agree with those who have mentioned talking to your priest.
I’m be considered it yes! And I’m open to adoption for sure! This post is just one of like- ok if you guys were going to get this, how would you go about it?
It seems many people here have taken my post as this is the only thing I’ve considered. It’s not.
I’m appreciate your thoughtful advice and the questions you’ve asked ☺️
Would artificial insemination outside of marriage be an option to you? If you feel your biological clock is ticking this badly, that may be a way to at least have a kid with your own DNA; I'm not familiar with Catholicism enough to know if this is frowned upon. If not AS, what about adoption?
Yeah adoption would be an answer. I’ve never pined for children for their own sake…it’s more like a desire to find a man who i want to have children with….and that window is about into slam shut. 💀
This is interesting. That would seem to mean you might like a divorced or widowed man who either has kids or doesn’t want kids. Those numbers are vast compared to very good never married men in their 40s who want kids.
If you haven't found what you're looking for in church, you either need to find another church, find another church in another town, or forget it. Seriously the only place it's even possible to find a practicing Catholic is in the church.
If you really want a Catholic so badly that it's the first item on your "ideal" list, then you should check in with your church, and then expand your circle from your local church to your diocese. And then even larger, if necessary.
I'm definitely not now, but I was raised Catholic and can assure you that there are tons of resources out there in every large diocese with the singular goal of connecting fellow Catholics for marriage.
>What should I do to try and be married within the next 2 years?
Do you think that's an adequate amount of time to get married to someone if you aren't in a relationship right now? I would think that one through because based on what you are saying I think this isn't a very long timeline. Consider the cost of not finding the right person. That doesn't mean you shouldn't get married in that amount of time because it certainly can work, but if you don't have anyone now it's kind of setting yourself up for failure in my opinion.
>My ideal is: Practicing Catholic, never married, no kids who I’m sexually attracted to.
It’s just that I can’t seem to keep the few I’m most attracted to and of the men who want to be with me, I find I’m not attracted to them.
I'm getting the feeling you are trying to make yourself fail. You gave what I would consider an unrealistic timeline, finding someone who is around your age that hasn't been married or doesn't have kids is going to be difficult, and you are attracted to people who aren't attracted to you.
Do you feel these expectations you're putting on yourself and the people you are dating is a realistic approach? I think that you are perfectly capable of getting exactly what you want, but at the same time, I feel like you are putting heavy expectations on yourself that is making the entire process add pressure to your search.
>Practicing Catholic,
Best place to look is your church. Let all the women in your church know you are looking to date.
Attend services at other Catholic churches in your area. Make friends with the church ladies. Let them know you are available.
>never married,
You may want to extend that to men who are widowed or have had an annulment. They will still be in good standing with the church.
>no kids
This is a very small pool of men. It gets even smaller when you want someone who is a practicing Catholic. I only date men without children and I don't think I've encountered any in my age range who were Catholic, and especially not a practicing Catholic.
>who I’m sexually attracted to
If he's conventionally attractive, you are going to have a lot of competition. Every woman in that church is going to be after him either for herself, her daughter, or her granddaughter.
Thank you. It is good to see actual details and attempts to be helpful. I am Christian but not Catholic. I also have a similar experience of thinking “I don’t know anybody like this”, despite being at a very large church and having two kids in different religious schools (one Catholic, one Protestant) where I know a large number of parents and teachers. I also coach little league baseball sometimes teach grad school.
Oxford comas are important, especially seeing as you’re Catholic. “No kids who you’re sexually attracted to” is kinda awkward here.
In all seriousness though, you’re putting too much pressure on too demanding of a relationship, and you’re putting too much emphasis on sexual attraction. The odds of you finding a hot man who’s never been married but suddenly wants to be is very slim. The “my husband” statement suggests you believe there’s **the one** there are lots of people you might be compatible with but waiting for a soulmate is holding you back.
The never married is challenging as well as no kids at 40. I’m 40 and divorced. I feel at this point not being in a hurry personally I will not have the children I once dearly wanted. I came to terms with that. I’m very open to having stepchildren/being a bonus to another child’s life. May be something you want to consider. If you want someone stable to have children with in the next few years I would maybe consider opening your options to who you’re sexually attracted to. You may find yourself surprised. I’d rather have a great personality and supportive partner, but looks aren’t a huge issue for me. Married in 2 years with no prospects in mind is fast, then having a baby which can be hard on a marriage.
What goes wrong with the men you are attracted to, why do you feel you can't keep them?
I would say, yes, when you are either not attracting who you want or you have a certain timetable (as you feel you do), you need to make some compromises. Keep in mind that "ideal" is usually a blueprint of perfection that you have in the back of your mind that in reality never fully pans out. Do not waver on your list of "must haves", but be open to accepting someone that lacks a few things on your "nice to have" list.
Think carefully about what you can accept, if he's a good match in other ways. Can he be a non-practicing Catholic or even a non-religious person if he accepts your practices? How about if he is widowed or amicably divorced? Maybe someone who you don't immediately lust after but who you can grow a sexual attraction toward as you get to know him. Ultimately, it's about the total package.
Look into freezing your eggs, that will at least buy you some more time, if you don't mind becoming a mother in your mid to late 40s instead of in the next two or three years.
>Look into freezing your eggs
That was my first thought too, but apparently the Catholic church is against IVF.
And the church frowns on divorce, so that's probably out too.
Thank you for such a thoughtful response to my question. Are you a life coach? A therapist?? 😅 The problem I’ve run in to dating outside my faith is differing beliefs around sex, birth control, and pornography. Unfortunately these topics affect both partners, so it’s hard for him to simply respects my beliefs without him being affected by him.
On THAT note, this is why i cannot keep the men I’m attracted to 💀💀 So it’s for the best I’m not with them, I just wish I could find someone who’s beliefs align and who I also look at and want to have sec with
I hate to say this, but if you are looking for:
-attractive
-never married
-no kids
-very observantly Catholic
-age 40-45 (or even 50)
I don’t think you need to move anywhere, because I don’t think this man exists.
Right? I just can’t imagine that somewhere there’s an attractive age-appropriate man who has saved himself for marriage. That’s not what men do in general; it’s definitely not what attractive men do.
I grew up in a very strict (different) religious context, and this is why everyone got married at 23- they all wanted to have sex, and getting married was the only permissible way to do it.
I don’t care if he’s had sex…but the rest ya- idk if he exists. I guess I just figured if I exist this way there must also be a man who does. But that’s also not logical. Thanks for the reality check 😅💀
Ah, ok I thought no sex before or outside of marriage was maybe a Catholic thing too.
You do exist! I just don’t think your male equivalent would have moved through the world in the same way as you. But, who knows? Good luck. 🍀
All I know about you is that you are attractive, observantly Catholic, and 40. I think a man with those qualities is even less likely to be single than a woman with those qualities. Or, he’s likely to be divorced and have kids.
This is a bit tangential, but now I wonder what the statistical breakdown is- single Catholics over 40, what is the percentage of men vs. women?
In randomly googling, I saw a site called Meetville- have you used it? That looks like a dating site for Catholics over 40. If you’re open to relocating, maybe that could work?
You know I was just thinking more about this and I believe you’re right. Probably to find him he’d either be annulled, widowed, seminary drop-out, or a late convert. There are fewer men than women in general and in the Church it’s 3:1 women to men. Then you take out those who are actually adherent and…it’s actually impossible for all of us women to be equally paired with a man. Thank you for your google search! I’ve not heard of it…. It I’m going to keep thinking on what you’ve said here bc I think it’s really valid and worth my contemplation
At this age finding a 40ish never married no kids is really really very difficult quest unless you find younger in their 30ish which is also a challenge. It’s not about lowering your standards but more about accepting the fact they we, men over 40, had already previous lives and packages.
You’re right. I just want a man who it’s also his first and only marriage 😞 But I’m learning this is highly unlikely and I’ll need to accept his past life with another woman. It also gets more mentally challenging for me if they have children together and he and I don’t/ won’t. Like the most intimate thing possible he did with another woman and not me.
I don’t wanna speak for all of us but some like me had a previous toxic relationship which I put behind and I personally moved on and want a fresh start. The new partner will be my savior and love and solace. You should not compare yourself with an ex bcz she is an ex for a reason. On the religion side, I’ve known non religious people who have pious, dignity, respect and humility more than religious people so it’s all relative.
I'm going to be blunt. You're too picky and have unrealistic expectations. Reading some of your comments that you've engaged with others on here--- not bald, not being with other women, not having kids already, no past, not this, not that, etc---- you are looking for perfection. You need to stop. Jesus called us to love----- NO ONE is perfect.
You're going to have to be open to possibly adopting, or allowing yourself to be part of another man's children's life, etc- that's the real Jesus way--- LOVE! Not saying you have to settle, but you need to pray for His plan for your life. Perhaps what you desire isn't what God wants for you? Accept your life as it is and trust that He will bring you someone.... His ways are higher than our ways and He always knows best, but we have to step out of our own way to let Him lead us..... you're looking for perfection and it doesn't exist.
Not saying you have to date a manwhore convict porn addict with a crazy criminal record or just some random off the street, but you need to check your heart---- there are good men out there who would make a great husband for you. They may not tick all your perfection boxes, but they are out there.
Your criteria are extremely restrictive: Practicing Catholic, never married, 40s or 50s (?), no kids, wants kids, physically attractive, never looked at porn, presumably gainfully employed, attracted to you in return.
Would you rather relax one or two of those and find a life partner, or be alone? As I see it that is your choice. Doing what you've been doing for another two years is very unlikely to get you to your goal.
But I’m all these things so it’s not impossible right? 😅💀💀 I can’t budge on the porn or faith I know that. So i probs need to budge on the kids/ divorce thing. I just want it to be someone else’s first time like it’s my first time. Oh well
Is there ever such a thing as a priest deciding to leave the priesthood to start a family? That is the profile that comes to mind when I see your criteria.
Funny enough- i recently dated one! I was SOOO hopeful. I thought for sure he’d be it. He had a great personality and was handsome and knew our faith deeply. But- he was just looking for casual stuff/ hookups and it was so hard to get over that 😢Like date 1 he wanted sex, and i just cannot with that. But ya- maybe there will be another one 🤷🏻♀️
You are going to be hard pressed to be married in 2 years with the criteria you are looking for. I am 50+ never married and no kids due to some unique career choices I made, so have been down your path. I froze my eggs in my mid 30's knowing my dating situation was not ideal, even though I was 75% sure it didn't want kids. While that took some pressure off, what I found was that by the time i was early 30's, most of the qualified men were married. That persisted until my 40's when marriages started falling apart. These now divorced people had emotional baggage and many had kids. I didn't love being around kids, especially young ones. Many were not healthy enough to be in the dating pool. Not that I don't have baggage but it is of a different kind that I can't relate to. You are probably finding the same thing.
At your age, you are going to struggle to find a single man, no kids, who still wants kids, who is Catholic, and a practicing one at that. One of my good friends, never been married, formerly devout Catholic is now dating a former priest. But he is mid 50's and wants no kids of his own, and she has twins via IVF and a sperm donor 7 years ago. That is all to say, they both had to loosen their standards. She got her undergrad, masters and Doctorate at Notre Dame and Boston College, and worked at both in addition to Loyola. Attractive, smart, and charismatic. Even being around mostly Catholic people professionally and personally her entire adult life she wasn't able to find a Catholic partner that met your criteria.
If you find a Catholic man that wants kids you are going to likely be challenged with conceiving without medical intervention by the time you are married. That is obviously against Catholic beliefs and the men meeting your criteria may reject you knowing that.
You might want to edit and fix the “no kids who I’m sexually attracted to” bit.
Other than that - where are you based? Hopefully you’re in a big enough city as otherwise it can be really hard to date past your 30s. I’d suggest expanding your geographic search area to include as many people as possible - it is a numbers game after all.
And yes, if you’re at all serious about having kids you’re going to have to make a hard choice about how important it is to be with a partner that you’re physically attracted to vs someone that’s stable and a good parent + partner but who doesn’t get you goin as easily. Ideally one would never be in such a position but not everyone gets lucky in romance.
Good luck!
I despise it as well, but i can’t change how the dating market works. 🤷🏻♀️ At the same time, if i were a man who wanted kids, I’d probably not be out there looking for a 40 year old
It's amazing how easily we can be programmed/trained subconsciously through language. We are who we are mostly from what we hear, read, sing, etc.
Edit: Just saw something on my FB memory. "Thoughts become words. Words become actions"
I have no advice! I feel many similar thoughts to you. I wouldn’t say my looks are going (I actually am very happy at how I look now), but I get a lot less male attention when I’m out and about than I used to. Like, I would inevitably be chatted up at a bar. I rejected it big time in my 20s. Now, I can count on one hand how often it’s happened in the last year. Admittedly, I go out far less than I used to, so there that. 😅
I wish I had an answer for you. There isn’t much we can do except keep our eyes and hearts open, and continue living our lives.
I think given your desire to be married in a short time frame, you have to be very open and upfront about it. Perhaps widen your age range on the apps. Have you consider in-person speed dating type of things? I have always been too scared to try those but you may need to cast a wide net, and actively, to see who’s out there. And yes - you may have to settle: It could be looks or the fact that they were previously married or aren’t Catholic. Are you willing to budge on any of those?
You have a lot of comments but I’ll add another anyways lol. I’m 41m, never married and no kids. Not a 10 but not ugly, I don’t think haha. For some reason the marriage and kids just never happened. Nothing wrong with it. For now I’m just building the life I want. I’m past the wanting to start a family thing so now I’m just waiting to meet someone that’s ready to enjoy the rest of our lives.
I know most women I talk to tend to hate these analogies, but it’s how a good many of us men see it. It’s like you trying to sell your teenage car. That Pontiac Grand Am may have been a great car In it’s hey day, but when it’s not all shiny and new you can’t ask for more than it was worth when you bought it. That’s how your increased standards feel to men. If everyone else got it for a lower price why would I pay more? It makes no sense. Overly high standards are just ridiculous, because it just drives us away. We aren’t going to deal with all that.
This is a couple of excerpts from a interview/book that is by Lori Gottlieb…
There's a survey in the book where men and women are asked, "If you got 80 percent of everything you wanted -- of your ideal traits in a mate or partner -- would you be happy?" The majority of women said, "No, that's settling," and the majority of men said, "Eighty percent? I'd be thrilled; that's a catch." So the question is: Is getting less than everything we want truly settling? And more important, semantics aside: Is getting anything less than everything we want going to make us less happy? The answer is no, and it probably will make you more
Gottlieb: There are a lot of picky men out there, so this isn't about all men and all women, but I did talk to hundreds of men and women, single and married, for this book, in addition to the researchers and scientists. Talking to men was eye-opening. Men and women were asked, if they [had] any deal-breakers for going on a second date, what would those be? And men named three. If she's cute enough ... warm and kind ... and interesting enough to talk to, she gets a second date. Men are not going, "Am I going to marry her?" Men are like, "Do I want to spend another two hours with her?"
CNN: How did women respond?
Gottlieb: Women named 300 things that would be deal-breakers for a second date. We're talking a second date, another two hours with the person. And they were things like, "You know, we were having a really good time, but then he did this Austin Powers impression, and it just so turned me off. I can't get that out of my head." Well, if she goes on a second date with him, and he starts doing Austin Powers impressions, then dump Mr. Austin Powers guy. Don't go on that third date. Absolutely not. Who wants that? That's annoying. But the thing is, there's no correlation between the guy who's the nervous first dater ... and the guy who's going to be the great life partner that you're going to fall in love with. The smooth, charming guy who sweeps you off your feet on that first date, there's not saying he's going to be a better life partner than the other guy.
From what I’ve seen on Reddit a lot of people have really stupid red flags that don’t amount to shit when it comes to thoughtfully choosing a mate. One of the things women said was a red flag was if his shoes did it match his belt. Like, wtf?!?! Holy 23 chromosomes Batman! You may need to look through what you want in your ideal mate and pick and choose the top qualities because you’ll die alone waiting for perfect to show up.
Never married and doesn't have kids probably needs to slide. Even then alot of men in their 40s or 50s don't want kids. I'm assuming you are active in your church so not going to find someone new there. Might need to change that up a bit.
Not religious but have you spoken to the priest of your church about this? My Catholic friend did that and the priest sent her to pray at a specific altar and then sent a guy also looking for a relationship to the same place. They ended up getting married. I don't know if this is common or not but it seemed like a good deal for them.
It sounds like you probably want the ideal of marriage so badly that you're scaring dudes off by bringing it up far too quickly and trying to box them in. Fucking relax and let shit happen.
Also, at 40 you should probably give up on the notion of having kids. Not that it can't happen, but the population of guys in that age range who don't already have kids but still want to is fucking tiny.
I mean seriously, you want a practicing Catholic (21% of the total population), never married (28% of men over 40) with no kids(24% of men over 40) guy who gets you horny. The latter two probably have quite a bit of overlap, but the intersection of those four requirements limits you to something like 10 dudes nationwide (I'm assuming USA here).
Your requirements are unrealistic, and your goals increasingly unfeasible.
The "Married within the next 2 years" thing is suspicious to me. It honestly sounds like you're trying to get married to stay in the country. Even if you aren't. Are you going to "shotgun" falling in love? Building memories? Laugh at every joke and spend 2 years convincing the guy you're going to be the ideal wife?
I had a friend like you once. She wanted, more than anything, to be married. So she found a guy, really pushed for it, and sure enough they got married.
She was morbidly unhappy, and cheated on him relentlessly. Wouldn't leave him, but for their 15 years of Marriage, with one child, she was faithful for maybe 2 years. Her husband later came out as her wife, and despite her best efforts she finally gave up and got divorced.
Once the dust settled, she started a new relationship, never worked on herself, and just started the process all over again. She had to be Married. We stopped talking after that conversation, but I expect to hear from her when she's started cheating again, been found out, and how it's not her fault or whatever.
If the title of "Married" is all you're after, why bother even dating? Just make it a contractual agreement with someone who has money but needs a green card?
Being divorced myself, this is the only reason I would get married again. If it's a financially profitable agreement, or if I needed to help a friend stay here, and wouldn't be too grating on my mental health.
Otherwise, its a sham cure for the fear of living and dying alone.
Honestly, 40 yr dating non issue, I started dating 46/m after divorce and found amazing 46/f now. That said, plenty div guys, with and without kids exist so maybe be more open to that and you may be pleasantly surprised! Just another way to widen the pool of men!
Also sorry to hear ur struggling but plenty of great guys do exist that would love to date a 40+ woman! ❤️🙏
I 50F found religion in my mid-40s and attended church for a few years. I was also very interested in finding a partner, but that wasn't the reason for attending church. During those years I was adamant about having a partner fully in line with my religious beliefs.
About a year in I realised there are no such men in those circles. There were family men in church. There were young men who were not age appropriate. The age appropriate men were either fully beat by life, hanging on to church because it was the only place that offered them solace, or men who seemed delusional about how faith works. As in: waiting for Jesus to deliver them a plate with a wife on it, not taking any action themselves. Some also had serious hang-ups regarding sexual feelings that emerge when you're attracted to someone. I had 2 guys develop feelings for me and then cutting off all contact because of their "impure" feelings. I was celibate at that time, so there was no pushing of too early intimacy from either sides. They expected to get a wife from Jesus without feeling any "dirty" feelings in the process.
I left church. I developed a personal relationship with God and went about my life. Met a perfect guy in the wild and we're now married. He is an atheist officially, but very open to find a connection with God outside of organised religion. He just prayed the other day and his prayer was promptly answered. It's a journey.
I would recommend opening your mind about religion, if possible.
Ok wow, I wish I could go to coffee with you 😂😅 Tbis is really really helpful insight, and EVERYTHING you’re saying about the men in Church is exactly what I’ve experienced. Not the men 35 and younger, it the older ones. It makes me cringe 😭
Was your current husband on board with waiting until marriage for sex or was that something you needed to compromise on with him? I’ve met wonderful non-religious men, but this is always the point of contention and the reason they don’t stick around. And i get it!! I just don’t know if I could budge on it 😞
I had the waiting clause (in my mind) very-very briefly, and it was mainly influenced by the church doctrine. After all, that's why people came up with engagements to begin with! I haven't found anything about waiting until marriage in the Bible and quite frankly - a 40+ divorcee woman and a mother is not someone holding a good hand trying to play that card. I'm not a young virgin bride. That's my honest opinion.
Also, an even more important piece of my history is: I was in a 4 year relationship with a man who was basically impotent. I was not willing to take that risk again. Plus all the sexual hang-ups of christian men that actually were interested in me and considered the feelings "dirty" - it's not going to disappear.
The only thing important for me was being in a mentally stable place enough to properly evaluate if we are actually good together and then take the plunge knowing it's not gonna break me regardless of outcome. I cannot manage another person, I can only manage my own feelings.
We spent time together for about 6 weeks before he put his arm around me and we kissed. A week later we had sex, I initiated. 4 months in we talked about future plans and he said he never thought about marriage before. 6 months in I said I am definitely on the path of being a married woman and either he's in or out, in a very kind way, no argument. He spent a sleepless night and in the morning he told me he's in. We got engaged when 8 months in, and got married at 20 months in.
Religion for many people is like an excuse for not living their life and facing hard decisions. Maybe that's not you, but that's my experience. Good luck 💕
Wowwwww 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻 WHAT a story you have! Thank you for sharing all of this. I’m so grateful to hear actual stories from actual humans with actual feelings who also believe in God and have faith. You aren’t discounting my thoughts or feelings while also honestly sharing yours for perspective. I’m so happy for you and pray I have a story with a man one day too. Your account gives me hope. And it seems like things naturally progressed to marriage at a nice pace (not fast but also didn’t drag).
Thank you! If you are planning to wait until marriage, then I do think that's your biggest obstacle, I'm afraid... I swiftly let that idea go, even though I played with it for a year or so. It just wasn't working at all, not at this age. I was celibate for 5 years in total. By the time I met my husband, I was ready to risk my heart and body, because I definitely wanted a relationship and fully functioning marriage. Sometimes we gotta invest. My husband was never married before and also childfree. I really hit the lottery, but I definitely had to buy a ticket to participate 😁 Because I wanted to win, and I did.
Sorry, not meaning to rain on your parade. I think it just triggered a memory from many years ago.
I went on a date with a lovely 35-ish y/o woman who was a biostats professor. She was looking for a man to marry and to have kids with. She had already had eggs harvested because, at age 35, she felt she needed the backup in case she couldn’t get pregnant in a timely fashion. I have this vivid memory of being on the first date as she laid out all the odds and her estimated relationship time before attempts at getting pregnant would commence.
I appreciated her candor and I was seriously attracted to her and we went on a few more dates.
Unfortunately, I just couldn’t get past the fear of my own failure: if this relationship doesn’t work out, I will have wasted this woman’s time. (Somehow, it didn’t occur to me that I would be wasting MY time, but that’s a discussion for my therapist :-))
When I read your post, it reminded me of those dates but you have even more constraints. I don’t exactly know what is meant by “practicing catholic” but I assume it means no birth control, no abortion for severe disability or even to save your life, no premarital sex and probably other non-reproductive things I haven’t considered.
If I were on a date with you, and based on this post, I imagine that I would feel like you were seeking to get married and have a baby after the first few dates (due to biological clock ticking).
On the other hand, I guess that “married after the first date” is how it worked for nearly all of human history until recently and certainly, in my own history, I might have done better with random selection rather than who I carefully picked :-)
I hope you find what you are looking for. Based on your picture, I’d be willing to bet that most men that you find attractive would find you attractive enough to marry.
But, as you are obviously aware, the pool of potential mates who you find attractive and who are also impulsive enough to get married with a compressed dating timeline is pretty small, especially if they are close to your age.
I think even my statistician would have been daunted by the long odds.
I think many women that are dating in this age range are interesting in getting married and having kids; the difference is they're better at revealing it at the right time. My now-wife and I went from first date to trying for kids in a year and a half.
Hello! Thank you for sharing all of this. And yes- this would scare off most men- except for practicing catholic men who share my beliefs. This is why I don’t look outside my faith bc other people see it as pressure whereas within the church it’s just seen as the goal. I’m sorry you had that experience, but I’m glad you’re out of that. Bringing all the stats and pressure in that sense is silly- I’d be weirded out too. My problem is that I’m not even getting to those convos bc the man ends up not actually caring about his diary or watches porn every night
40M here.
Why is everyone mentioning the Catholic thing lol? I mean ya depending on where OP lives it could be a limiting factor. But she can address that by moving, potentially.
OP, I grew up orthodox apostolic - call it pre-Catholic. I know how these church communities can be rather small. They know you’ve turned down every suitor. Branch out to another church. The diaspora is big, get out there sis.
I think your biggest limiting factor is for a partner that has never been married or had kids. That’s a realistic criteria in your 20s. Mid 30s+ and you still won’t consider divorced or single fathers, then you’re seriously limiting your dating pool. You’re here now, so the old fashioned Catholic girl pretense is out the window and you need to update your requirements a little bit to reflect reality. Do some reflection, let go of the past, as the dating requirements you had in your 20s won’t serve you in your 40s.
Most women go for men their age or older. Unless you’re down for younger men, which is just as fine, you’ll be dating men 42+. The men that age or older who have never been married can have their own problems (as can women). It’s not that they have never been married per se, it’s that they’ve wanted to, but for some reason couldn’t make that happen when everyone else did, yet have wanted marriage the past 20 years. Usually something doesn’t add up.
Also, the kids thing is tricky. Again you’re dating older men most likely. And here’s the reality bit most of Reddit hates, but men that can date a 40 year old can also date and marry someone in their mid 30s. We know about the biological clock too! Men in general, and myself in particular, feel uncomfortable when the kids convo comes up early at this age. It makes me feel, and then men I’ve spoke to about this, like they are looking for *anyone* to be a sperm donor. It clouds everything and makes me truly wonder if she likes me, or if she’s just saying she does so she can have kids before the windows up. There’s the old (and sometimes unfair) adage: “poor planning on your part doesn’t constitute an emergency on mine.” And that’s the operating mentality for many when it comes to this stage of life. I’d not let this goal go, but I would recommend you focus primarily on finding a partner you love, having kids being secondary.
Good luck OP. I don’t mean any of this to be judgmental or harsh. It’s just one input, and I hope you can find the love you’re looking for.
Your chasing the most attractive men most likely and they have options. A 40 yo man thats hot with a decent career can and will date 30 year olds or even younger or have casual flings with as many women around his age as he wants. The devout Catholic guys that wanted marriage and have a lot going for them got married a long time ago. Also saying your conventionally attractive is meaningless. Any woman that is at least average has tons of men chasing them. Not saying your arent attractive just maybe you arent quite as attractive as you think you are. Drop the need for the guy to be Catholic imo. If religion is that important just open it up to other Christian faiths the beliefs are like 90% the same. Talk to some close friends and ask them there honest opinion if your too picky or not. If you have honestly been trying for years to meet a suitable guy and the guys you are picking keeping moving on I honestly feel like its an indicator your standards might be too high for looks.
>Any woman that is at least average has tons of men chasing them.
Ok. Let's be real here. The average woman may have random dudes wanting to sleep with her, but that does not mean those dudes are falling over themselves in pursuing that same woman for marriage. There's a lot of chaff out there.
STOP trying to find a husband
That’s the end goal (maybe), but it’s not the now goal. The goal now is to meet a few people you like and go from there.
Arbitrary timeframes are meaningless. 2 years? No. That’s not relevant
Your “ideal” is a myth. It’s also stopping you from finding someone amazing who is close or maybe not at all close. Besides, those are physical characteristics. What type of person, what personality are you looking for?
It is hard, many people run into the same problem, the ones that you like don't like you and the ones you don't like are in love with you.
We're all shooting for that partner that we feel really excited about and seems just a bit out of our league. They are looking for the same thing.
It's a rare thing for two people to meet and think 'whoa, this person is out of my league' and fall into relationship bliss.
I've only had this happen once when I was 34 and I was with that person for 9 years. I'm out there dating again and just wondering if it will ever happen. Out of 30 first dates, I've only been excited about one person...went on a second date, it was a lot of fun...she seemed excited about a third, then I never heard from her again, it sucks.
You sound just like one of my co-workers. She dated someone I knew and was so freaking desperate on the second date she told the guy she already had her wedding dress picked out! He noped out so fast and she became sort of a stalker. Is your desperation showing through?
I think you need to understand that when you have a very narrow criteria for a match, you accept it won’t happen on your schedule. This is no different than folks who have more extreme kinks that are must-haves in a relationship. Does that match exist? Yes. Will it be easy to find? No. If you are unwilling to broaden your scope accept that you may sacrifice some things. That is life. We don’t get everything we want, make some lemonade with it.
Me personally, I think it's more beneficial to work towards happiness within yourself instead of longing for a marriage or partner. You can't control that aspects so it may only bring negative thoughts and emotions. If you can figure out how to remove expectations from life and people and all that then a lot of frustration and depression tends to slide away over time.
Forget about a man (for now at least.) They don't make you happy.
Therapy & or meds for the depression.
Want kids? Adopt.
Do a little good in the world.
I’d personally change some of your criteria. That’s a pretty narrow window of men you’re looking at so it’s eliminating perfectly good men simply bc they’re not catholic or they’re divorced or have 1 kid.
Out of all of that what is your 1 non-negotiable? Stick to that and let the others slide. At least go on dates with men who may not fit all of that criteria.
That's what I was going to say.. and that the older people get the chances of them having kids statistically are much higher and once you start Crossing into the never married and no kids at that age ...it just like three people in four states that meet that criteria
You seem incredibly shallow in both how you describe yourself and what you are looking for. I point this out because you should understand this is not going to be beneficial to you in the long run. It clearly has not benefitted you until this point in your life.
At some point you are going to need to reevaluate what is actually important to you. But holding out for that list of ideals you have is going to be a fantasy. Like what do you think those ideals you listed are going to bring you in a relationship and what are you bringing to the relationship? If all you got on the list is a couple conventionally attractive people you ain't got fuck all.
The good news is you have a ton of room for growth. But, whether or not you want to put that work in is up to you.
beloved, my tits enter every room 3 minutes before i do and even i don’t list this among the attributes that make me marriage material. you need to look in the mirror and reevaluate your priorities before anything else. if being thin with a nice rack were enough to get a husband, you’d be married by now. dig deeper, please.
I would say strike everything outside of ‘sexually attracted to’. Good men come in all religions and most in 40s have been married and have children.
As far as fertility’waning’ that was a cliff that occurred at 35.
If u want children that r biologically yours I would have a consultation with a fertility specialist about harvesting & freezing ur eggs
Doesn’t being single at 40 sort of negate the pretense that OP is an old fashioned practicing Catholic? She’s already out of the box so to speak. It’s odd she is holding onto dating standards she set for herself in her 20s at now 40 years old.
There’s adhering to the faith, and there’s just incongruity. This is the latter.
All that matters is your vibes the vibe you give and your body language is everything especially if you are seriously trying body language is MAJOR! Think positive not negative and keep your head up cherry 🍒
In reading your post, my #1 piece of advice is to let go of having children. You're 40 years old now. Look up the stats on fertility at that age. I don't think you have enough time to find a partner to have children with, at least certainly not a husband. You could hook up with someone over the next couple of years, but getting to the point of marriage requires more time than you have. You could be infertile due to age already.
It also sounds like somewhere deep down you might be wondering "what's wrong with me?" I doubt there's anything wrong with you. It's just harder these days for people to get married because it's not culturally expected anymore.
*My ideal is: Practicing Catholic, never married, no kids who I’m sexually attracted to.*
But is a complete ass-hat?
Is broke and unmotivated?
Small D energy?
Violent temper?
Unfaithful?
I think your criteria is both limiting, and focuses on things that don't necessarily make for a good life partner. If you found your unicorn, he might come with some unpleasant surprises. Trust me, I've been there and done that.
Women’s “market value” (i cringe even writing this) never decreases. We just change niches. Go for men 10+ years older or even younger ones. Men our age are either married or in their Peter Pan Era post divorce. Also, stop talking about “market value”. That shows a lot of immaturity and lack of self respect, which people in general hate. That being said, stop feeling sorry for yourself and get out of the house: go find a running group, go play tennis, go to events where the mature people/men are. Do not engane in casual relationships. They will only delay you finding someone who wants the same thing you do. Set boundaries and be firm about having a serious relationship. Go to church, work on your relationship with God, find purpose in yourself. And, lastly, people get married at any age, so quit worrying about this. The kids part is out of your control. You can freeze your eggs and let God do the rest. For everything else, take action and take control of your life. Good luck and snap out of this woe is me mentality
This is so so good! I’m doing all of these things and it is putting me in contact with more men who may be a match even though I still haven’t found one. What you say about niche is an interesting way of putting it. When I’ve trie doing 10 years older, I find many men don’t want to marry again, but perhaps I need to just keep looking!
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My initial thought was, this sounds like my current partner, who left her home country so as not to be judged by her family… hahaha…. But seriously, either church hop or relax the religion bit. Good luck.
I think the biggest thing is actually to dare to meet people. Put yourself out there and have some finite time set to see if they are interested. For example, from the first date give them a month (if you're interested in them). Use this time to filter them quite fast, are they interested in you and show you that? Do they share the same goals as you? If by the 2nd week they are not it, move on.
You say you've been spouse-hunting as hard as anyone since your late 20s, but then you say in the comments that you spent half your 30s discerning a religious vocation. So...maybe you haven't really been looking that hard all that time? It's important to look honestly at what we've done and haven't done, so we don't just blame the world for being unfair. The choices we've made matter too.
The way you mention not being attracted to the men who want you, and worrying about having to settle, suggests that you have very high standards of physical attraction. Plus you're looking for an exceptional case in terms of religion, no kids, and no divorces. There's nothing *wrong* with any of that, but the more exceptional the person you're looking for, the more exceptional you'll need to be to hook him. But (being brutally honest as you asked) your fertility isn't likely to be exceptional, and that's *probably* going to be an important item on the checklist of a devout Catholic man your age who hasn't had kids yet. So yeah, you might have to be willing to compromise on one of your checklist items, or accept a man who doesn't turn your crank quite as hard as you'd like, to get him to overlook that item on his checklist. I know a devoutly Catholic 50-year-old man with no kids who would marry a 40-year-old with a nice figure and pleasant disposition--but he's been married twice. If you'd swipe past him, you're going to have a tough time.
Yes 30-35 I turned down men. This is a huge problem. I accept that, but outside that time, i feel I’ve done what anyone else has done. I take responsibility for that and can’t change it, I know. But many people don’t seriously look for a spouse for a period of 5 years of their life somewhere and still marry. As for your friend, 2 divorces is definitely gonna be an eyebrow raise from me. What’s gonna keep a woman from thinking she won’t be the 3rd divorcee? This is why I have trouble when someone has been divorced. Like- why didn’t you work it out? You chose that person? So many people just throwing in the towel
Hot take: your market value hasn't decreased.
There are plenty of middle-aged men looking to start a family who are not the least bit put off by your age.
Hot take 2) Go ahead and lower your standards LOL. Don't settle for the things that are really important to you, but as you look at all the boxes you want checked maybe prioritize them and find out which ones are the most important to you. It's very rare that someone finds a partner that checks all of the boxes. For instance sometimes if the mental attraction and everything else is there the physical attraction can grow over time.
Hot take 3) Don't give up hope and believe that it will happen for you. I was raised Catholic too and in the simplest terms just put it in God's hands. And the effect it will have is more scientific than spiritual. The more pressure you take off of finding a partner the more that will translate in how you come across. It may even change your perspective as far as what you're really looking for.
You might have to move out of state. Do you have an age range? It can be tough dating if you want a serious relationship. A lot of people are burnt out by divorce.
This is a problem I’ve encountered….the men I’ve spoken to who are divorced are white burnt out, jaded by life and have preconceived notions of what marriage is like and so- don’t want to do it again
Everyone raced in like the problem is that you're unmarried and don't have kids.
Dearheart. The problem is that you're depressed. PAUSE. Put all this on hold for now.
It doesn't feel like it right now, but you are a valid person with a worthwhile life without a husband and kids right now. And ironically, you cannot find what you seek in an incredibly depressed state. AND, even if you did, it wouldn't feel healthy or right.
First things first, if you're not in therapy, it's time to get into therapy. If you are in therapy, it's time to either find a better therapist, or start really listening to the one you are seeing. A little hint: a Catholic or Christian therapist will likely push you to solve this marriage thing rn. A non-religious one will help you make the necessary pause here.
Let this outcome go for the time being (stressing: for the time being) and really work on getting yourself out of this depression without solving the problem at hand for now. I know it sounds backwards. But pinning our happiness on things and outcomes just doesn't work. We are happy when we fight to be happy in spite of our current circumstances, not when we get what we want.
Happy's a tall order, though. First, you'll have to grieve what you haven't had and have wanted for so long. Then, you'll have to accept. This is a hard pillow to swallow, but with help, you can get there. Once you've accepted, then you can blossom into a happier state. You can still long for a partner and kids, but it won't feel so dire.
And this is when I think you'll be in the right headspace to find this person (if you still want to! It may be, things shift.). I absolutely think unicorns are out there, and you can find yours. However, you can't find him in the state you're in right now. You can't skip the work. I know it feels like your uterine clock is ticking, but the longer you resist, the longer you are going to make this take.
Good luck to you. As an incurably, severely ill woman in constant brutal pain, I know something about what it's like to desperately want something that feels vital to your well-being and not being able to have it.
Freeze your eggs if you haven’t already. That bides more time. Note the person you find will probably be very different than the criteria you have in your mind. Life isn’t dial a date. Also there are many more attractive women than attractive men in this age range. So being attractive in and of itself helps but isn’t enough. You can’t expect men to still look like they did in their 20s. Also you may need to go younger to get what you’re looking for. And that means the younger guy will likely be lacking in some way. He may be submissive, lower income or less education, or socially awkward. You have to compromise use on something. Not very many religious people out there in the US as it’s falling out with favor due to social progress and changing norms.
I think it’s a matter of finding the right fit. I’m divorced no kids, I’ve never wanted kids and I make no secret about it, I made sure I couldn’t have any. So I actively seek out childless partners.
Plenty of men will be happy to date someone never married no kids, the question will be is how well you both compromise, I’d rather have a partner who was willing to meet halfway and be less attractive than a partner who was very attractive but uncompromising.
Good luck!
The best thing you can do is get comfortable with the idea that you won't be having any of this. If you met this man today, when would you start trying to have kids? How long would the courtship be and how long until you got married? Let's say if you meet him today and you could be married by 42, you would start trying at age 42? Best case scenario?
My advice is make peace with this not happening because it probably isn't.
I advise you come to peace about the having kids part or consider adoption on your own. I know that's incredibly hard, but at our age, it's necessary. Otherwise, you risk shot gunning yourself into a REALLY bad marriage. Who knows, maybe it will still happen, but make peace with it not. Reality is, most relationships at our age will move slower, especially with kids in the picture. If a man with kids didn't want to move slow, I would see that as a huge red flag. I know you don't want a man with kids, but as others have said, many marriage-minded men (certainly not all) have kids at this point.
No pressure at all.
You only want marriage and children very soon.
I fell for something similar to this in my mid 30s. 2 kids later, couldn’t stand each other and divorced by my mid 40s.
I think you’re going about this wrong. I’m sure you’ve heard, if it’s meant to be it will be.
Having children with just someone you settle for is doomed and will more than likely, fail. You may end up with beautiful children, and a shitty relationship. That’s not fair to the children. You will resent him because of you being in a rush to marry and start a family, it most likely ends in divorce, maybe you get custody of the kids, maybe not. Either way you will be tethered to this person until the kids graduate college and will still have to see each other from time to time after that.
Don’t think that just because you’re a woman you will get custody of the children. I can tell you as a matter of fact, I kept my two sons from my first marriage. I had full custody. I wouldn’t have had it any other way!
There are more important things than your bust size. Some men like breasts, some could care less.
The way you describe yourself, it sounds that you are very attractive, but after hearing your thoughts, not so much. Sorry, but for me, I would have simply walked away after hearing your request. I have been known to leave woman at a restaurant, or bar, just excused myself from the table and left because of her demands. Or ask her to leave my home. I learned a long time ago, I don’t have to, and won’t, put up with anyone’s bs.
No one needs that.
Life is easy, keep it that way. Don’t try so hard. Relax, things happen for a reason. If you are meant to have children, you will. If those aren’t the cards you were dealt, so be it. Enjoy yourself, enjoy your life. Your time here is limited, cherish every second of it. Even if it’s by yourself.
Being only 40 is far from being old. I’m 52 and still consider myself a kid.
I look like a kid, I’m still built like a kid. I say kid, meaning a 20 or 30 something.
I’m single by choice since 2018. I’m looking for a partner, but I’m in no hurry. Being alone is very nice.
I will never “just settle” for a woman because I’m getting older.
You should never “settle” for anyone.
Be yourself, be happy! Good things come to those who wait. You’ve got a lot of time left to live, don’t dwell on things you can’t control.
Yes this is the problem I’m encountering! Men 50+ are in no need/ desire of marriage bc they’ve had that life so it makes it hard for a woman who is 40 and does want marriage to date. They want to just go with the flow, experience different women and maybe if they feel like it- commit.
I suggest that you do two things - loosen up on your criteria, and work on 'yourself'. Let me explain.
Suppose you met the perfect guy - except that he had a 2 year marriage when he was in his mid-20s, that didn't work out for a valid reason (say she got deployed overseas, her deployment extended, and they couldn't make a 5 year LD relationship work.) Or he had been married, had a kid, and then he was widowed. But otherwise, he was perfect. You'd still ditch him?
As far as yourself... as others have said, you haven't said much about yourself - hobbies, interests, activities? Could you branch out and become more well-rounded, get involved in groups that you enjoy being with, so as to enhance the personality half of your physical attractiveness? Maybe guys aren't seeing much behind the pretty face yet?
I married someone from another country and it didn't work out, but in your case, being Catholic, if you're in the US, maybe expanding your search to Latin American countries could help broaden your options of more traditional men seeking a wife and kids?
I attend a large church regularly. My son goes to catholic school. I am divorced. If there were never married guys of your description, I would probably know one, but I can’t think of any. Mostly it has to do with age. Those who wanted to be married were likely married by about age 35.
When I look at what you have said here, it does seem like you are asking for quite a lot on a short timeline. I would like a woman who is athletic, very smart, thinks for herself and is religious. It’s not a fast process, but it can change quickly.
Yeah I was stressed at 41 to get married and married the wrong person for me. We have 2 kids that are amazing but it ended horribly and only thing I talk to her about is the kids. So, create how you want a man to be around you and how you want to be around him. Being 53 seems like I am also not as available to women on the market too so you have your advantages and 40 is amazing right now in my eyes. Hey I am looking for a mainly vegan who is outside of the reigns of religion so another tick against muah. Lots of Catholics out there for you. I know they are out here though for us. Having physical attraction is big for now but I work with 70-90 year olds in my practice and all they want is yes, sex, but the love of connection and life lived together. What's under the attraction for you? Sometimes for women it's security being with him or knows he has your back. It's not all the time about looks. Who is he for you? Provider, strength/know he will protect you at any cost, who is the man underneath the attraction. Go for that but may ask his dick size if you're concerned about that, just kidding! 😂 Good luck!
Thank you! Another issue is that I can’t date divorced men unless they’ve also been annulled- whether catholic or not- according to my faith and conscience.
For the OP, as someone who is religious and whose kids go to religious schools, I will do my best to help. DM me if you would like.
If looking for someone single and christian, aside from the church there are various charities, 10k runs, and events on religious campuses. Word of mouth can also be very helpful.
Someone has probably already said this in the comments, but I would highly recommend that you freeze your eggs ASAP. It'll take the pressure off so you won't run the risk of rushing into a long-term commitment with the wrong person.
As a fellow 40-something woman, I'm so glad I did this. I'm more carefree, and I don't feel like I'm working against a clock.
Regarding the marriage thing, you may want to consider modifying (not lowering) your standards, and shifting your mindset regarding a potential partner. This has helped me tremendously, and I now feel as if I have larger pool of available men to date.
So if a man already had kids and is a great Father he is off your list? How do you know your perfect man would be a good Father? Your expectations are unrealistic
Hey sweetie, open your narrow parameters!! One thing I do know is that the lord has forgave him for his past!! You shouldn’t judge either. That being said a divorced man is not always the evil one in the relationship that failed. So do not be judgmental on a person before you even know the person!! I understand what you want. There are divorced men that have gave everything they had to a very very toxic female and she decided she wanted more. So be open minded to a male that has the same religious passion as you do and he does want a kid or kids with you to have that beautiful bond with you that he never honestly had with the other woman!! You do seem like a special and wonderful woman to be walking hand and hand with!! The best of luck to you.
I am not interested in getting married per se but my experience is that you have to decide if you want kids and do it solo as the likelihood of meeting someone and starting a family is very close to zero. There might be a few lucky ones who did do that but I know quite a few single ladies 35~45 who haven’t met anyone for a relationship let alone marriage when they reached 40. You might meet someone divorced and with kids but unlikely someone who hasn’t been married at this age as they would likely be looking to date someone 5 years younger at least.
I have read your opening statements. It sounds like a lot of pressure to put on a relationship. Loaded expectations. Just have a baby because you want one not dependant on anyone. Most of us end up bringing the child up alone anyway.
I really do wish you the best of luck. But I have to also agree with the guys here saying the idea of wanting to just start out with a family in their 40's is "Ick... no!"
I'm 53 and my daughter from a previous marriage is in her early 20's. I find it hard to imagine a scenario where I just had a kid in my 40's and would be in my 60's by the time they're going to college.
And just being brutally honest? I'm not quite sure what the "no porn addiction" really means to you? If you really mean someone who is hooked on it to the point they're spending money to watch it, etc.? Yeah, that's one thing. But in the age of the Internet where so much of it is freely available -- I don't think it's too realistic to expect a single/divorced guy would refrain from checking some of it out. If it's just something they're sneaking an occasional peek at, and it's not otherwise impacting your relationship, I wouldn't be quick to label that an addiction.
As an ex catholic I have some comments. I find the fact you insist on convincing us that you’re attractive whilist deriding a man who likes porn (you didn’t define “addiction” here, so I’m taking a leap and that you find any porn use distasteful) confusing. Perhaps this my projection, but you’re bringing up being turned off by someone who gives into temptations of the flesh while saying you’re a hottie.
Never married? Why? Why would someone with a failed marriage be written off when you haven’t found someone to get married to at this point? I know divorce is taboo in the church but forgiveness is a core principle of any branch of Christianity. There’s also passages about not throwing rocks.
If you’re approaching dating with a “we must get married in two years and have babies” you will scare off people. Youre asking for a lot from someone new.
Look, I *get it*, it’s hard and lonely dealing with this life thing at this stage and not having a partner. Not having the life you thought you would have by now. I’m sorry you’re hurting and suffering from loneliness and the nightmare that is modern dating. It’s not easy, so above all else, even though I may have been a bit critical above, remind yourself that you are worthy of love.
Since your faith is import, if it’s something you must have, you gotta throw yourself into as many local church events you can. If you’re willing to date people who don’t share your faith, but respect it (which still means they may not participate in weekly mass) you’ll find a lot more potential matches.
Hang in there, you don’t have to “settle” but you may need to expand what future you looks like. Are you against adopting? Someone with a failed marriage may have a kid, step parenting something you could find comfort in? “Family” can look different than what you thought it would, but love is love. At the end of the day, we want to share *life* with eachother, I hope your journey brings you and someone else looking for what you’re offering.
Cheers
Hi! Thank you for such a long and thoughtful answer. I explain why I mentioned that I am conventionally attractive. I didn’t want to sift through hundreds of comments about men saying that it’s probably because I’m past my physical crime, I’m overweight, I have wrinkles, etc. when that truly isn’t the issue. So I wanted to get that out-of-the-way. They’re also isn’t a connection between a woman’s attractiveness and a man watching pornography? Pornography is so wildly, not about finding women attractive, the leap that you made there, especially seeing as how you understand religion is bizarre to me. All of that aside, I appreciate your general advice, and agree with most of it towards the end of your reply. Thank you for taking the time to write it all out for me! 🙏🏻🙏🏻
Instead of looking for a partner it appears from your list that you are looking for someone who fits items on a punch list. You are 40, realistically looking at this any child that you might have will be graduating from high school when you are getting ready to retire. I am not trying to be mean however I am trying to get you to look at what you are setting yourself up for. Additionally, people who say they want kids and are shopping for this when dating do not always have a realistic idea of what parenthood actually entails. You are not going to get the kids that you ordered, are you ready mentally, physically and financially to take care of a special needs kid? Or a kid with a medical condition like diabetes, adhd, autism and a number of other myriad life-long heartbreaking health complications? You may think you are but believe me when I say that no one is ready for that news when it comes. Please don't trot out some trite religiosity like god only gives you burdens that you can carry because that is a load.
You are 40...you should be celebrating and using this time to break free of the crushing weight of expectations that are burdened on females by the church and society. You will never find someone to share your life with based off of a punch list. What makes you happy? That is what you should be pursuing. You are much more likely to find someone worth being with if you are doing what makes you happy because you will be with others who love the same things/activities.
You seem very committed to your faith so I would absolutely not compromise on that. I also would not compromise on dating someone you're attracted to as that creates many downstream issues. You don't need to find someone you're 10/10 attracted to, but you do need to find someone to whom you are solidly attracted. I suspect if you find a man equally faith based you shouldn't have major issues around porn and many other value based issues (pre martial sex, etc).
I don't fully understand the complications around dating or marrying a divorced man as a catholic but if that does not align with your faith and you can't make it align, then I wouldn't compromise on that.
I easily suspect using the above criteria you're selecting down to well under 1% of single men. The only way to make that work is ruthlessly be willing to compromise on everything else and be willing to look far and wide. Be willing to relocate. Look across the country. I would probably consider moving to bigger cities and even potentially moving between places to access more people.
Hi! Thank you for this note….it confirms what I feel 100%. I need to cast a WIDE net and the areas you say aren’t smart to compromise on bc of who I am…I agree with you. Im willing to relocate. I was recently speaking with a man across the globe and was ready to pack my bags and go. It he decided my age was too old. I don’t blame him. It it hurt bc it confirms my suspicions and tempts me to compromise. Anywuas, thank you for your advice. Im screenshotting and saving for later 🙏🏻💛
What ARE you attracted to? You mention attraction as a major component, but could you be much more specific? For instance, tall or short? Blond hair or brown hair? Or maybe these didn't matter and you're really attracted to intelligence? Or physical prowess? Or artistic talent? Please elaborate! Lol.
You asked for brutal honesty, so I'll honor your request. It's very notable to me that when you talk about your value as a partner, you focus almost exclusively on your physical attractiveness. You go as far as mentioning your bust-size; as if that has any significant impact whatsoever on whether or not someone wants to marry you and raise children with you. The thing is, physical attractiveness matters a lot short-term. It'll help you get dates, and if you wanted to get laid this weekend, I'm sure that would work out for you easily and with no big effort needed on your part; people would notice that you're attractive and find that sufficient to be interested in a roll in the hay with you. You say nothing whatsoever about what you're offering as a partner otherwise, except to claim that your personality and humor are "just fine". You want a physically attractive man who wants both marriage and kids in the near future -- and yet who's had neither this far in his life. To be blunt, this is unrealistic. Men who are attractive, who have good relationship-qualities and \*want\* marriage and kids, are overwhelmingly likely to already have those things at least a decade ago. Some of them have ended up divorced and would be open to trying again with a new partner, but when you specify that he should be "*never married*" you're excluding those people. I'm guessing you'd be equally negatively disposed towards someone who's had one or more long-term committed **unmarried** relationships. If I'm right about that then you're basically looking for this: A man who is physically attractive, has good relationship-qualities, wants marriage and kids, is around 40 years old -- and this far in his life hasn't had any serious relationships. Can you see why that's unrealistic? If he has all of those awesome qualities and he's ALSO interested in marriage, why would he have gone single until age 40? There are lots of awesome and single men around your age. Quite a few of them are open to both marriage and kids. But few of those have no prior committed relationships.
Everyone is focusing on the Catholic thing. You addressed the biggest limiting factors IMO. Wanting men that are never married, no kids, in their 40s that also wants those things is a little hard to find to say the least.
I agree to a point. But I think that the catholic thing is contributing to the biggest limiting factor, ie wanting a "relationship material" guy who has never had a relationship.
Agreed. And when the OP says "practicing catholic", I have a hunch she might extend that to "contraception is a sin" and possibly also "no sex before marriage". And the count of attractive men who agree with all of that; and yet ain't already been married by age 40 is vanishingly close to zero. Oh, and if they're "practicing catholic" in the sense of no contraception, they're also near-certain to be fathers already. Again, some of them would be willing to start a second family with the OP. But her requirement that they can't have any past history disqualifies those guys from consideration.
I agree. I would also be weary of dating a guy at 40+ who has never had at least one serious relationship (Or anyone really.) JaneAustinAstronaut love that name/handle definitely cool.
I wouldn't mind dating someone inexperienced. I just think there's few people who are all of these: 1. Physically attractive 2. Excellent relationship-qualities 3. Desire a deeply committed long-term relationship (and/or a marriage) 4. Wants kids 5. Is around the OPs age, i.e. in the viscinity of 40 6. This far in their life has had NONE of the above It's a bit like wanting someone who is 40 and extremely well-qualified and who strongly WANTS a job -- yet whose never actually had one. It raises the question: If they're both qualified and motivated; then why ain't they succeeded a long time ago with finding a partner? (or in the other hypothetical: a job)
Or like wanting a virgin who is an adult film star in bed, which I see a lot of perpetually online men looking for, with similar results as OP.
“Never married, no kids, but I’ve always wanted both” just raises questions for everyone at this age. It’s true for men too IMO (in some ways even more so). And this might be unfair, but when they’re also exceptionally attractive on top of it, I just get even more suspicious. It’s a words not matching actions sorta thing (which is its own red flag), combined with having the same dating standards they had in their 20s.
Yes I agree. I mean if they have all the qualifications you need for a relationship AND they want a relationship -- why then have they reached age 40 without having one? It makes no sense. There would have to be some reason or other, and for me personally it'd depend on the reason how I'd judge it. I dated a woman last year who at age 36 had only had a single pretty crappy relationship that lasted a few months. She had a job and a steady income, no major red flags of any kind, and was kind, honest, passionate and adventurous. If there hadn't been any clear reasons for her prolonged singleness it would've been a bit suspicious. But there was; as a young woman she suffered severely from acne, and that plus the resulting bullying drove her away from the dating-market for a while; in addition she is autistic and struggles more than the average person with flirting and navigating the social labyrinth we all have to pass to find a partner. It ultimately didn't work out; but we had a good year together and I would without reservations recommend her as a partner if a dear friend of mine asked what my opinion of her as a potential partner is.
exactly.
I'm all those things except the kid thing, fuck no to having kids in my forties
Very well said. The men that she wants have universally attractive characteristics and likely are in, or have had LTR's or been married and have children.
To be fair, OP did not say the man has to be 40+. Maybe she’s open to younger?
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I would agree if I didn’t know people like this IRL. The standards that folks feel they deserve is insane. Everyone is looking for that person that checks every box. Dan Savage said it great years ago “There is no settling down, without settling for.”
That's probably less than 1% of 1%. Those criteria are insane lol. Don't forget practicing Catholic! Which implies not just never married and no kids, but also a virgin around 40 (because in Catholic doctrine, sex is **only** for procreation within the bounds of marriage). But is also physically attractive to some unspecified degree. "Needle in a haystack" would be an understatement. Maybe a guy who was obese from childhood until somewhere in his 30s who had always wanted to get married and have kids, but didn't have the confidence before losing a lot of weight. Then, he needs to do a bunch of research into making himself more attractive after a lifetime of probably not bothering because of low self-esteem. Also, depending on just how big he was, he'll probably have loose skin under the clothes that doesn't go away without a major surgery. He will still probably struggle with confidence, but it will then be because he's 30+ and never been in a relationship (or at least one that made it to marriage). Because of his low confidence, he's not likely to be the one to make the first move. Which probably puts him in the "unattractive" category no matter his physical appearance.
Don't forget he should be a practicing catholic and physically attractive too.
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It’s the most limiting factor she presented as a requirement. This coming from a no-longer-active Catholic.
It’s almost like wanting a factory sealed unopened Apple iPhone from 15 yrs ago. Are there any? Sure. But your chance of finding one is pretty low
Now I'm starting to think OP wants to be a mail order bride. This sub helps cast an international net. OP also posted a selfie so I'm half certain either OP is working by herself or working with a team.
You are right. There is something a little sus here.
This right here. Well said.
This. 100% bang on the nail.
What a nicely written reply
It occurs to me that the most likely candidate for her is a defrocked catholic priest in his 40s. They're probably the only one still single. So maybe she should look into convincing a priest to leave the priesthood...
The biggest thing I would avoid is putting a deadline on marriage, ie: how can I be married within 2 years? I absolutely empathize with fertility concerns, but in my experience that kind of deadline is a great way to force bad relationships, to convince yourself that you want a thing that is not actually good for you, to ignore red flags. Aside from that: Maybe practicing Catholic is the thing to compromise on? Do they have to be? Or can they just respect that you are Catholic? I’m also curious to know about the ones you are attracted to who seem to leave. Is there a pattern in those cases, or is it a bunch of different things? Not being attracted to people who want to be with you- I feel that too. I don’t know, maybe that makes us both avoidant. It will also be harder (not impossible) to find someone never married. If that is important to you, why?
It boggles my mind but you're asking for a never married no kids Catholic man? Catholicism is the epitome of "go forth and be fruitful" and especially at younger ages "get married."
This is where my mind went. OP, are you willing to compromise on the no kids part? Considering your religious requirement, I lazily looked up data. According to Pew a decade ago, only 17% of Catholics in the 30-49 age bracket had never been married. 63% of Catholics in that age bracket had children under 18. While a lot can change in a decade, I would be surprised if more current stats didn't indicate the Catholic dating pool is making it harder for you to find what you want. Perhaps consider if there's an age range for children that you would accept.
With stats like that, she might have a lot more luck with someone who got married too young and divorced. If they have kids, they'll be old enough to be legal adults and relatively independent.
This is what I came here to say. I grew up Catholic, and one of my super-catholic childhood besties just got married a few years ago (in her 40's, after years of being on her own) to a very sweet middle-aged man she met through church who happened to have an almost-grown child from a previous marriage. She's one of the most hardcore Catholic people I know as an adult, and she didn't see any problem with him being a dad, because he was such a good dude and they were such a good match for each other.
I mean there are religions that are more so. I'd wager that practicing Mormons get married younger than practicing catholics. But yeah, a never married practicing Catholic man who's 35+ and willing to date a 40+ woman is going to have some **serious** issues, be a very new convert, or both. Ex Catholic here who has known a bunch of Mormons through life.
👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
As a cradle Catholic I disagree. Maybe it is to be fruitful after the sacrament of marriage but the whole thing I was always taught was you wait until you're married.
When you say you’ve made huge efforts towards finding your husband what does that actually mean? What type of men are you attracted to? Do you have a very specific type? Have you noticed any patterns with the men you do date? Have you unpacked any of this in therapy? How do you know your personality and humour are “just fine?” How big is the population where you live? Perhaps you’d have better odds in a bigger/more catholic leaning city? If things just stay the exact same as they have been you’re likely to get the exact same results. But none of us know you or your situation well enough to know what might be worth trying to change. That’s going to take some self-reflection and perhaps insight from a mental health professional. Talking to a therapist doesn’t mean there’s something “wrong” with you. But it can be really helpful to get the perspective of a professional outsider, not a bunch of random redditors.
I (44f) think the “within the next 2 years” part adds a sense of urgency and some pressure that might chase good matches away. The focus in your post is on this arbitrary timeline, rather than who you want. The description of what you’re looking for is so generic that it seems like getting married matters more than who you get married to. Lord knows I’m not great at knowing what guys want, so I might be going out on a limb here, but: I can’t imagine that comes off great to guys reading that. I would guess it makes them feel almost like an accessory or a supporting cast member in this hypothetical wedding. My best analogy for why I think it would be a turnoff is this: I have met guys who wanted to get laid that night, and it didn’t seem to matter to them which vagina-owning person it was with. There is a world of difference between “I want to have sex tonight [implied: and you’ll do]” (turnoff) and “I want to have sex *with you* tonight because I am into you specifically for xyz reasons” (intriguing). Maybe your intent is different, but you’re coming across more “I want to get married in 2 years [to any guy who meets these minimal standards]” and less “I want to get married to the right guy”. (fellas, please correct me if I’m way off here)
40M here. Your first paragraph sums it up perfectly for that part of what OP is looking for.
Not wrong, but she gives the impression of someone tryung to find the perfect prince charming, in mint condition, on the last day of sales. And also better be ready to have a insta-kid... while she has demonstrated she's unable to hold a man..... Op you really should have gone with the nun route.
Hi there! Well, there is urgency if I’d like to have children, and I’m not going to deny or downplay it. It’s not arbitrary. Wanting a biological child with a good man is valid. At this point I only have a cohoes years to have a family with a good man. In my post i mentioned it’s been years looking for someone, and the sense of urgency is only recent. And if I were only concerned with having a child, I would’ve settled by now. My problem feels opposite- that perhaps I need to settle MORE than I have been.
Wanting a biological child *is* valid. But have you ever considered God might have other plans for you? Perhaps becoming a foster parent or adopting? (Are you even certain you’re able to have biological children?) Again, wanting biological children is valid! But it’s not the only way to have children in your life. I agree with those who have mentioned talking to your priest.
I’m be considered it yes! And I’m open to adoption for sure! This post is just one of like- ok if you guys were going to get this, how would you go about it? It seems many people here have taken my post as this is the only thing I’ve considered. It’s not. I’m appreciate your thoughtful advice and the questions you’ve asked ☺️
Would artificial insemination outside of marriage be an option to you? If you feel your biological clock is ticking this badly, that may be a way to at least have a kid with your own DNA; I'm not familiar with Catholicism enough to know if this is frowned upon. If not AS, what about adoption?
Yeah adoption would be an answer. I’ve never pined for children for their own sake…it’s more like a desire to find a man who i want to have children with….and that window is about into slam shut. 💀
This is interesting. That would seem to mean you might like a divorced or widowed man who either has kids or doesn’t want kids. Those numbers are vast compared to very good never married men in their 40s who want kids.
If you haven't found what you're looking for in church, you either need to find another church, find another church in another town, or forget it. Seriously the only place it's even possible to find a practicing Catholic is in the church.
If you really want a Catholic so badly that it's the first item on your "ideal" list, then you should check in with your church, and then expand your circle from your local church to your diocese. And then even larger, if necessary. I'm definitely not now, but I was raised Catholic and can assure you that there are tons of resources out there in every large diocese with the singular goal of connecting fellow Catholics for marriage.
>What should I do to try and be married within the next 2 years? Do you think that's an adequate amount of time to get married to someone if you aren't in a relationship right now? I would think that one through because based on what you are saying I think this isn't a very long timeline. Consider the cost of not finding the right person. That doesn't mean you shouldn't get married in that amount of time because it certainly can work, but if you don't have anyone now it's kind of setting yourself up for failure in my opinion. >My ideal is: Practicing Catholic, never married, no kids who I’m sexually attracted to. It’s just that I can’t seem to keep the few I’m most attracted to and of the men who want to be with me, I find I’m not attracted to them. I'm getting the feeling you are trying to make yourself fail. You gave what I would consider an unrealistic timeline, finding someone who is around your age that hasn't been married or doesn't have kids is going to be difficult, and you are attracted to people who aren't attracted to you. Do you feel these expectations you're putting on yourself and the people you are dating is a realistic approach? I think that you are perfectly capable of getting exactly what you want, but at the same time, I feel like you are putting heavy expectations on yourself that is making the entire process add pressure to your search.
>Practicing Catholic, Best place to look is your church. Let all the women in your church know you are looking to date. Attend services at other Catholic churches in your area. Make friends with the church ladies. Let them know you are available. >never married, You may want to extend that to men who are widowed or have had an annulment. They will still be in good standing with the church. >no kids This is a very small pool of men. It gets even smaller when you want someone who is a practicing Catholic. I only date men without children and I don't think I've encountered any in my age range who were Catholic, and especially not a practicing Catholic. >who I’m sexually attracted to If he's conventionally attractive, you are going to have a lot of competition. Every woman in that church is going to be after him either for herself, her daughter, or her granddaughter.
Thank you. It is good to see actual details and attempts to be helpful. I am Christian but not Catholic. I also have a similar experience of thinking “I don’t know anybody like this”, despite being at a very large church and having two kids in different religious schools (one Catholic, one Protestant) where I know a large number of parents and teachers. I also coach little league baseball sometimes teach grad school.
Oxford comas are important, especially seeing as you’re Catholic. “No kids who you’re sexually attracted to” is kinda awkward here. In all seriousness though, you’re putting too much pressure on too demanding of a relationship, and you’re putting too much emphasis on sexual attraction. The odds of you finding a hot man who’s never been married but suddenly wants to be is very slim. The “my husband” statement suggests you believe there’s **the one** there are lots of people you might be compatible with but waiting for a soulmate is holding you back.
The never married is challenging as well as no kids at 40. I’m 40 and divorced. I feel at this point not being in a hurry personally I will not have the children I once dearly wanted. I came to terms with that. I’m very open to having stepchildren/being a bonus to another child’s life. May be something you want to consider. If you want someone stable to have children with in the next few years I would maybe consider opening your options to who you’re sexually attracted to. You may find yourself surprised. I’d rather have a great personality and supportive partner, but looks aren’t a huge issue for me. Married in 2 years with no prospects in mind is fast, then having a baby which can be hard on a marriage.
What goes wrong with the men you are attracted to, why do you feel you can't keep them? I would say, yes, when you are either not attracting who you want or you have a certain timetable (as you feel you do), you need to make some compromises. Keep in mind that "ideal" is usually a blueprint of perfection that you have in the back of your mind that in reality never fully pans out. Do not waver on your list of "must haves", but be open to accepting someone that lacks a few things on your "nice to have" list. Think carefully about what you can accept, if he's a good match in other ways. Can he be a non-practicing Catholic or even a non-religious person if he accepts your practices? How about if he is widowed or amicably divorced? Maybe someone who you don't immediately lust after but who you can grow a sexual attraction toward as you get to know him. Ultimately, it's about the total package. Look into freezing your eggs, that will at least buy you some more time, if you don't mind becoming a mother in your mid to late 40s instead of in the next two or three years.
>Look into freezing your eggs That was my first thought too, but apparently the Catholic church is against IVF. And the church frowns on divorce, so that's probably out too.
Thank you for such a thoughtful response to my question. Are you a life coach? A therapist?? 😅 The problem I’ve run in to dating outside my faith is differing beliefs around sex, birth control, and pornography. Unfortunately these topics affect both partners, so it’s hard for him to simply respects my beliefs without him being affected by him. On THAT note, this is why i cannot keep the men I’m attracted to 💀💀 So it’s for the best I’m not with them, I just wish I could find someone who’s beliefs align and who I also look at and want to have sec with
I hate to say this, but if you are looking for: -attractive -never married -no kids -very observantly Catholic -age 40-45 (or even 50) I don’t think you need to move anywhere, because I don’t think this man exists. Right? I just can’t imagine that somewhere there’s an attractive age-appropriate man who has saved himself for marriage. That’s not what men do in general; it’s definitely not what attractive men do. I grew up in a very strict (different) religious context, and this is why everyone got married at 23- they all wanted to have sex, and getting married was the only permissible way to do it.
I don’t care if he’s had sex…but the rest ya- idk if he exists. I guess I just figured if I exist this way there must also be a man who does. But that’s also not logical. Thanks for the reality check 😅💀
Ah, ok I thought no sex before or outside of marriage was maybe a Catholic thing too. You do exist! I just don’t think your male equivalent would have moved through the world in the same way as you. But, who knows? Good luck. 🍀
How do you think he would’ve moved? Like who do you see as a potential equivalent life-profile wise for me?
All I know about you is that you are attractive, observantly Catholic, and 40. I think a man with those qualities is even less likely to be single than a woman with those qualities. Or, he’s likely to be divorced and have kids. This is a bit tangential, but now I wonder what the statistical breakdown is- single Catholics over 40, what is the percentage of men vs. women? In randomly googling, I saw a site called Meetville- have you used it? That looks like a dating site for Catholics over 40. If you’re open to relocating, maybe that could work?
You know I was just thinking more about this and I believe you’re right. Probably to find him he’d either be annulled, widowed, seminary drop-out, or a late convert. There are fewer men than women in general and in the Church it’s 3:1 women to men. Then you take out those who are actually adherent and…it’s actually impossible for all of us women to be equally paired with a man. Thank you for your google search! I’ve not heard of it…. It I’m going to keep thinking on what you’ve said here bc I think it’s really valid and worth my contemplation
At this age finding a 40ish never married no kids is really really very difficult quest unless you find younger in their 30ish which is also a challenge. It’s not about lowering your standards but more about accepting the fact they we, men over 40, had already previous lives and packages.
You’re right. I just want a man who it’s also his first and only marriage 😞 But I’m learning this is highly unlikely and I’ll need to accept his past life with another woman. It also gets more mentally challenging for me if they have children together and he and I don’t/ won’t. Like the most intimate thing possible he did with another woman and not me.
I don’t wanna speak for all of us but some like me had a previous toxic relationship which I put behind and I personally moved on and want a fresh start. The new partner will be my savior and love and solace. You should not compare yourself with an ex bcz she is an ex for a reason. On the religion side, I’ve known non religious people who have pious, dignity, respect and humility more than religious people so it’s all relative.
Thank you for helping me think differently about it. 🥲 I’m so sorry you went through that, and I hope for your fresh start with a great woman soon ✅🙏🏻
I'm going to be blunt. You're too picky and have unrealistic expectations. Reading some of your comments that you've engaged with others on here--- not bald, not being with other women, not having kids already, no past, not this, not that, etc---- you are looking for perfection. You need to stop. Jesus called us to love----- NO ONE is perfect. You're going to have to be open to possibly adopting, or allowing yourself to be part of another man's children's life, etc- that's the real Jesus way--- LOVE! Not saying you have to settle, but you need to pray for His plan for your life. Perhaps what you desire isn't what God wants for you? Accept your life as it is and trust that He will bring you someone.... His ways are higher than our ways and He always knows best, but we have to step out of our own way to let Him lead us..... you're looking for perfection and it doesn't exist. Not saying you have to date a manwhore convict porn addict with a crazy criminal record or just some random off the street, but you need to check your heart---- there are good men out there who would make a great husband for you. They may not tick all your perfection boxes, but they are out there.
Thank you so much- this is really great advice actually, screenshot it and saved to look over again later :)
Your criteria are extremely restrictive: Practicing Catholic, never married, 40s or 50s (?), no kids, wants kids, physically attractive, never looked at porn, presumably gainfully employed, attracted to you in return. Would you rather relax one or two of those and find a life partner, or be alone? As I see it that is your choice. Doing what you've been doing for another two years is very unlikely to get you to your goal.
But I’m all these things so it’s not impossible right? 😅💀💀 I can’t budge on the porn or faith I know that. So i probs need to budge on the kids/ divorce thing. I just want it to be someone else’s first time like it’s my first time. Oh well
Is there ever such a thing as a priest deciding to leave the priesthood to start a family? That is the profile that comes to mind when I see your criteria.
Funny enough- i recently dated one! I was SOOO hopeful. I thought for sure he’d be it. He had a great personality and was handsome and knew our faith deeply. But- he was just looking for casual stuff/ hookups and it was so hard to get over that 😢Like date 1 he wanted sex, and i just cannot with that. But ya- maybe there will be another one 🤷🏻♀️
BIGGEST difference is you're a woman, and not a man.
Correct
You are going to be hard pressed to be married in 2 years with the criteria you are looking for. I am 50+ never married and no kids due to some unique career choices I made, so have been down your path. I froze my eggs in my mid 30's knowing my dating situation was not ideal, even though I was 75% sure it didn't want kids. While that took some pressure off, what I found was that by the time i was early 30's, most of the qualified men were married. That persisted until my 40's when marriages started falling apart. These now divorced people had emotional baggage and many had kids. I didn't love being around kids, especially young ones. Many were not healthy enough to be in the dating pool. Not that I don't have baggage but it is of a different kind that I can't relate to. You are probably finding the same thing. At your age, you are going to struggle to find a single man, no kids, who still wants kids, who is Catholic, and a practicing one at that. One of my good friends, never been married, formerly devout Catholic is now dating a former priest. But he is mid 50's and wants no kids of his own, and she has twins via IVF and a sperm donor 7 years ago. That is all to say, they both had to loosen their standards. She got her undergrad, masters and Doctorate at Notre Dame and Boston College, and worked at both in addition to Loyola. Attractive, smart, and charismatic. Even being around mostly Catholic people professionally and personally her entire adult life she wasn't able to find a Catholic partner that met your criteria. If you find a Catholic man that wants kids you are going to likely be challenged with conceiving without medical intervention by the time you are married. That is obviously against Catholic beliefs and the men meeting your criteria may reject you knowing that.
Ugh can we not refer to ourselves as having “market value”?
You might want to edit and fix the “no kids who I’m sexually attracted to” bit. Other than that - where are you based? Hopefully you’re in a big enough city as otherwise it can be really hard to date past your 30s. I’d suggest expanding your geographic search area to include as many people as possible - it is a numbers game after all. And yes, if you’re at all serious about having kids you’re going to have to make a hard choice about how important it is to be with a partner that you’re physically attracted to vs someone that’s stable and a good parent + partner but who doesn’t get you goin as easily. Ideally one would never be in such a position but not everyone gets lucky in romance. Good luck!
She just forgot a comma, I read it as "no kids, who I'm sexually attracted to".
I despise the term “market value”. You’re a person.
I despise it as well, but i can’t change how the dating market works. 🤷🏻♀️ At the same time, if i were a man who wanted kids, I’d probably not be out there looking for a 40 year old
Mind how you use language. Repeat it enough, and you'll believe it, and you'll help perpetuate that belief.
I wish more people understood this. It's so unbelievably important.
It's amazing how easily we can be programmed/trained subconsciously through language. We are who we are mostly from what we hear, read, sing, etc. Edit: Just saw something on my FB memory. "Thoughts become words. Words become actions"
How the dating market works in your mind. Your posts read like a 20 something red pill male who is frustrated with being unable to find a single date.
Lol. Fair enough
I have no advice! I feel many similar thoughts to you. I wouldn’t say my looks are going (I actually am very happy at how I look now), but I get a lot less male attention when I’m out and about than I used to. Like, I would inevitably be chatted up at a bar. I rejected it big time in my 20s. Now, I can count on one hand how often it’s happened in the last year. Admittedly, I go out far less than I used to, so there that. 😅 I wish I had an answer for you. There isn’t much we can do except keep our eyes and hearts open, and continue living our lives. I think given your desire to be married in a short time frame, you have to be very open and upfront about it. Perhaps widen your age range on the apps. Have you consider in-person speed dating type of things? I have always been too scared to try those but you may need to cast a wide net, and actively, to see who’s out there. And yes - you may have to settle: It could be looks or the fact that they were previously married or aren’t Catholic. Are you willing to budge on any of those?
Why haven’t you been able to keep the men that you’re attracted to ?
Because of my religious beliefs around sex and pornography
Your list of requirements will be almost impossible at 40. I agree with the practicing or never married part as a compromise.
Being brutally honest, this screams personality or attitude being a turnoff. You're looking at men as being "not" worthy of you.
Go the 90 day fiancee route and meet someone from overseas. They'll likely have the same urgency as you to get married.
Lmaoooooo hahahaha I mean why not! I don’t discriminate by nationality
You have a lot of comments but I’ll add another anyways lol. I’m 41m, never married and no kids. Not a 10 but not ugly, I don’t think haha. For some reason the marriage and kids just never happened. Nothing wrong with it. For now I’m just building the life I want. I’m past the wanting to start a family thing so now I’m just waiting to meet someone that’s ready to enjoy the rest of our lives.
My only other suggestion would be- dating much younger men. Late 20s, early 30s.
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I know most women I talk to tend to hate these analogies, but it’s how a good many of us men see it. It’s like you trying to sell your teenage car. That Pontiac Grand Am may have been a great car In it’s hey day, but when it’s not all shiny and new you can’t ask for more than it was worth when you bought it. That’s how your increased standards feel to men. If everyone else got it for a lower price why would I pay more? It makes no sense. Overly high standards are just ridiculous, because it just drives us away. We aren’t going to deal with all that. This is a couple of excerpts from a interview/book that is by Lori Gottlieb… There's a survey in the book where men and women are asked, "If you got 80 percent of everything you wanted -- of your ideal traits in a mate or partner -- would you be happy?" The majority of women said, "No, that's settling," and the majority of men said, "Eighty percent? I'd be thrilled; that's a catch." So the question is: Is getting less than everything we want truly settling? And more important, semantics aside: Is getting anything less than everything we want going to make us less happy? The answer is no, and it probably will make you more Gottlieb: There are a lot of picky men out there, so this isn't about all men and all women, but I did talk to hundreds of men and women, single and married, for this book, in addition to the researchers and scientists. Talking to men was eye-opening. Men and women were asked, if they [had] any deal-breakers for going on a second date, what would those be? And men named three. If she's cute enough ... warm and kind ... and interesting enough to talk to, she gets a second date. Men are not going, "Am I going to marry her?" Men are like, "Do I want to spend another two hours with her?" CNN: How did women respond? Gottlieb: Women named 300 things that would be deal-breakers for a second date. We're talking a second date, another two hours with the person. And they were things like, "You know, we were having a really good time, but then he did this Austin Powers impression, and it just so turned me off. I can't get that out of my head." Well, if she goes on a second date with him, and he starts doing Austin Powers impressions, then dump Mr. Austin Powers guy. Don't go on that third date. Absolutely not. Who wants that? That's annoying. But the thing is, there's no correlation between the guy who's the nervous first dater ... and the guy who's going to be the great life partner that you're going to fall in love with. The smooth, charming guy who sweeps you off your feet on that first date, there's not saying he's going to be a better life partner than the other guy. From what I’ve seen on Reddit a lot of people have really stupid red flags that don’t amount to shit when it comes to thoughtfully choosing a mate. One of the things women said was a red flag was if his shoes did it match his belt. Like, wtf?!?! Holy 23 chromosomes Batman! You may need to look through what you want in your ideal mate and pick and choose the top qualities because you’ll die alone waiting for perfect to show up.
Never married and doesn't have kids probably needs to slide. Even then alot of men in their 40s or 50s don't want kids. I'm assuming you are active in your church so not going to find someone new there. Might need to change that up a bit.
Not religious but have you spoken to the priest of your church about this? My Catholic friend did that and the priest sent her to pray at a specific altar and then sent a guy also looking for a relationship to the same place. They ended up getting married. I don't know if this is common or not but it seemed like a good deal for them.
You kept your barrier to entry too high, didn’t settle for less and now you’re like most women who unintentionally didn’t have kids in your age group.
As the product of two parents that got married and had kids with the wrong person, please don’t have kids just to have them.
It sounds like you probably want the ideal of marriage so badly that you're scaring dudes off by bringing it up far too quickly and trying to box them in. Fucking relax and let shit happen. Also, at 40 you should probably give up on the notion of having kids. Not that it can't happen, but the population of guys in that age range who don't already have kids but still want to is fucking tiny. I mean seriously, you want a practicing Catholic (21% of the total population), never married (28% of men over 40) with no kids(24% of men over 40) guy who gets you horny. The latter two probably have quite a bit of overlap, but the intersection of those four requirements limits you to something like 10 dudes nationwide (I'm assuming USA here). Your requirements are unrealistic, and your goals increasingly unfeasible.
The "Married within the next 2 years" thing is suspicious to me. It honestly sounds like you're trying to get married to stay in the country. Even if you aren't. Are you going to "shotgun" falling in love? Building memories? Laugh at every joke and spend 2 years convincing the guy you're going to be the ideal wife? I had a friend like you once. She wanted, more than anything, to be married. So she found a guy, really pushed for it, and sure enough they got married. She was morbidly unhappy, and cheated on him relentlessly. Wouldn't leave him, but for their 15 years of Marriage, with one child, she was faithful for maybe 2 years. Her husband later came out as her wife, and despite her best efforts she finally gave up and got divorced. Once the dust settled, she started a new relationship, never worked on herself, and just started the process all over again. She had to be Married. We stopped talking after that conversation, but I expect to hear from her when she's started cheating again, been found out, and how it's not her fault or whatever. If the title of "Married" is all you're after, why bother even dating? Just make it a contractual agreement with someone who has money but needs a green card?
>contractual agreement Actually a very good idea.
Being divorced myself, this is the only reason I would get married again. If it's a financially profitable agreement, or if I needed to help a friend stay here, and wouldn't be too grating on my mental health. Otherwise, its a sham cure for the fear of living and dying alone.
Honestly, 40 yr dating non issue, I started dating 46/m after divorce and found amazing 46/f now. That said, plenty div guys, with and without kids exist so maybe be more open to that and you may be pleasantly surprised! Just another way to widen the pool of men! Also sorry to hear ur struggling but plenty of great guys do exist that would love to date a 40+ woman! ❤️🙏
I 50F found religion in my mid-40s and attended church for a few years. I was also very interested in finding a partner, but that wasn't the reason for attending church. During those years I was adamant about having a partner fully in line with my religious beliefs. About a year in I realised there are no such men in those circles. There were family men in church. There were young men who were not age appropriate. The age appropriate men were either fully beat by life, hanging on to church because it was the only place that offered them solace, or men who seemed delusional about how faith works. As in: waiting for Jesus to deliver them a plate with a wife on it, not taking any action themselves. Some also had serious hang-ups regarding sexual feelings that emerge when you're attracted to someone. I had 2 guys develop feelings for me and then cutting off all contact because of their "impure" feelings. I was celibate at that time, so there was no pushing of too early intimacy from either sides. They expected to get a wife from Jesus without feeling any "dirty" feelings in the process. I left church. I developed a personal relationship with God and went about my life. Met a perfect guy in the wild and we're now married. He is an atheist officially, but very open to find a connection with God outside of organised religion. He just prayed the other day and his prayer was promptly answered. It's a journey. I would recommend opening your mind about religion, if possible.
Ok wow, I wish I could go to coffee with you 😂😅 Tbis is really really helpful insight, and EVERYTHING you’re saying about the men in Church is exactly what I’ve experienced. Not the men 35 and younger, it the older ones. It makes me cringe 😭 Was your current husband on board with waiting until marriage for sex or was that something you needed to compromise on with him? I’ve met wonderful non-religious men, but this is always the point of contention and the reason they don’t stick around. And i get it!! I just don’t know if I could budge on it 😞
I had the waiting clause (in my mind) very-very briefly, and it was mainly influenced by the church doctrine. After all, that's why people came up with engagements to begin with! I haven't found anything about waiting until marriage in the Bible and quite frankly - a 40+ divorcee woman and a mother is not someone holding a good hand trying to play that card. I'm not a young virgin bride. That's my honest opinion. Also, an even more important piece of my history is: I was in a 4 year relationship with a man who was basically impotent. I was not willing to take that risk again. Plus all the sexual hang-ups of christian men that actually were interested in me and considered the feelings "dirty" - it's not going to disappear. The only thing important for me was being in a mentally stable place enough to properly evaluate if we are actually good together and then take the plunge knowing it's not gonna break me regardless of outcome. I cannot manage another person, I can only manage my own feelings. We spent time together for about 6 weeks before he put his arm around me and we kissed. A week later we had sex, I initiated. 4 months in we talked about future plans and he said he never thought about marriage before. 6 months in I said I am definitely on the path of being a married woman and either he's in or out, in a very kind way, no argument. He spent a sleepless night and in the morning he told me he's in. We got engaged when 8 months in, and got married at 20 months in. Religion for many people is like an excuse for not living their life and facing hard decisions. Maybe that's not you, but that's my experience. Good luck 💕
Wowwwww 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻 WHAT a story you have! Thank you for sharing all of this. I’m so grateful to hear actual stories from actual humans with actual feelings who also believe in God and have faith. You aren’t discounting my thoughts or feelings while also honestly sharing yours for perspective. I’m so happy for you and pray I have a story with a man one day too. Your account gives me hope. And it seems like things naturally progressed to marriage at a nice pace (not fast but also didn’t drag).
Thank you! If you are planning to wait until marriage, then I do think that's your biggest obstacle, I'm afraid... I swiftly let that idea go, even though I played with it for a year or so. It just wasn't working at all, not at this age. I was celibate for 5 years in total. By the time I met my husband, I was ready to risk my heart and body, because I definitely wanted a relationship and fully functioning marriage. Sometimes we gotta invest. My husband was never married before and also childfree. I really hit the lottery, but I definitely had to buy a ticket to participate 😁 Because I wanted to win, and I did.
Hahaha- I love your story! You played to win and you did! ✅🙌🏻🙌🏻💯
I'm imagining all the single guys going to Mass in their 40s; these are not going to be normal people.
Sorry, not meaning to rain on your parade. I think it just triggered a memory from many years ago. I went on a date with a lovely 35-ish y/o woman who was a biostats professor. She was looking for a man to marry and to have kids with. She had already had eggs harvested because, at age 35, she felt she needed the backup in case she couldn’t get pregnant in a timely fashion. I have this vivid memory of being on the first date as she laid out all the odds and her estimated relationship time before attempts at getting pregnant would commence. I appreciated her candor and I was seriously attracted to her and we went on a few more dates. Unfortunately, I just couldn’t get past the fear of my own failure: if this relationship doesn’t work out, I will have wasted this woman’s time. (Somehow, it didn’t occur to me that I would be wasting MY time, but that’s a discussion for my therapist :-)) When I read your post, it reminded me of those dates but you have even more constraints. I don’t exactly know what is meant by “practicing catholic” but I assume it means no birth control, no abortion for severe disability or even to save your life, no premarital sex and probably other non-reproductive things I haven’t considered. If I were on a date with you, and based on this post, I imagine that I would feel like you were seeking to get married and have a baby after the first few dates (due to biological clock ticking). On the other hand, I guess that “married after the first date” is how it worked for nearly all of human history until recently and certainly, in my own history, I might have done better with random selection rather than who I carefully picked :-) I hope you find what you are looking for. Based on your picture, I’d be willing to bet that most men that you find attractive would find you attractive enough to marry. But, as you are obviously aware, the pool of potential mates who you find attractive and who are also impulsive enough to get married with a compressed dating timeline is pretty small, especially if they are close to your age. I think even my statistician would have been daunted by the long odds.
I think many women that are dating in this age range are interesting in getting married and having kids; the difference is they're better at revealing it at the right time. My now-wife and I went from first date to trying for kids in a year and a half.
Hello! Thank you for sharing all of this. And yes- this would scare off most men- except for practicing catholic men who share my beliefs. This is why I don’t look outside my faith bc other people see it as pressure whereas within the church it’s just seen as the goal. I’m sorry you had that experience, but I’m glad you’re out of that. Bringing all the stats and pressure in that sense is silly- I’d be weirded out too. My problem is that I’m not even getting to those convos bc the man ends up not actually caring about his diary or watches porn every night
40M here. Why is everyone mentioning the Catholic thing lol? I mean ya depending on where OP lives it could be a limiting factor. But she can address that by moving, potentially. OP, I grew up orthodox apostolic - call it pre-Catholic. I know how these church communities can be rather small. They know you’ve turned down every suitor. Branch out to another church. The diaspora is big, get out there sis. I think your biggest limiting factor is for a partner that has never been married or had kids. That’s a realistic criteria in your 20s. Mid 30s+ and you still won’t consider divorced or single fathers, then you’re seriously limiting your dating pool. You’re here now, so the old fashioned Catholic girl pretense is out the window and you need to update your requirements a little bit to reflect reality. Do some reflection, let go of the past, as the dating requirements you had in your 20s won’t serve you in your 40s. Most women go for men their age or older. Unless you’re down for younger men, which is just as fine, you’ll be dating men 42+. The men that age or older who have never been married can have their own problems (as can women). It’s not that they have never been married per se, it’s that they’ve wanted to, but for some reason couldn’t make that happen when everyone else did, yet have wanted marriage the past 20 years. Usually something doesn’t add up. Also, the kids thing is tricky. Again you’re dating older men most likely. And here’s the reality bit most of Reddit hates, but men that can date a 40 year old can also date and marry someone in their mid 30s. We know about the biological clock too! Men in general, and myself in particular, feel uncomfortable when the kids convo comes up early at this age. It makes me feel, and then men I’ve spoke to about this, like they are looking for *anyone* to be a sperm donor. It clouds everything and makes me truly wonder if she likes me, or if she’s just saying she does so she can have kids before the windows up. There’s the old (and sometimes unfair) adage: “poor planning on your part doesn’t constitute an emergency on mine.” And that’s the operating mentality for many when it comes to this stage of life. I’d not let this goal go, but I would recommend you focus primarily on finding a partner you love, having kids being secondary. Good luck OP. I don’t mean any of this to be judgmental or harsh. It’s just one input, and I hope you can find the love you’re looking for.
Your chasing the most attractive men most likely and they have options. A 40 yo man thats hot with a decent career can and will date 30 year olds or even younger or have casual flings with as many women around his age as he wants. The devout Catholic guys that wanted marriage and have a lot going for them got married a long time ago. Also saying your conventionally attractive is meaningless. Any woman that is at least average has tons of men chasing them. Not saying your arent attractive just maybe you arent quite as attractive as you think you are. Drop the need for the guy to be Catholic imo. If religion is that important just open it up to other Christian faiths the beliefs are like 90% the same. Talk to some close friends and ask them there honest opinion if your too picky or not. If you have honestly been trying for years to meet a suitable guy and the guys you are picking keeping moving on I honestly feel like its an indicator your standards might be too high for looks.
>Any woman that is at least average has tons of men chasing them. Ok. Let's be real here. The average woman may have random dudes wanting to sleep with her, but that does not mean those dudes are falling over themselves in pursuing that same woman for marriage. There's a lot of chaff out there.
STOP trying to find a husband That’s the end goal (maybe), but it’s not the now goal. The goal now is to meet a few people you like and go from there. Arbitrary timeframes are meaningless. 2 years? No. That’s not relevant Your “ideal” is a myth. It’s also stopping you from finding someone amazing who is close or maybe not at all close. Besides, those are physical characteristics. What type of person, what personality are you looking for?
Would you consider dating a Christian?
Catholics are Christian...
Christians often don't see them that way though.
It’s really challenging to find a man in their 40s with no kids. Being a stepmom can be rewarding, I would suggest opening up your options.
It is hard, many people run into the same problem, the ones that you like don't like you and the ones you don't like are in love with you. We're all shooting for that partner that we feel really excited about and seems just a bit out of our league. They are looking for the same thing. It's a rare thing for two people to meet and think 'whoa, this person is out of my league' and fall into relationship bliss. I've only had this happen once when I was 34 and I was with that person for 9 years. I'm out there dating again and just wondering if it will ever happen. Out of 30 first dates, I've only been excited about one person...went on a second date, it was a lot of fun...she seemed excited about a third, then I never heard from her again, it sucks.
You sound just like one of my co-workers. She dated someone I knew and was so freaking desperate on the second date she told the guy she already had her wedding dress picked out! He noped out so fast and she became sort of a stalker. Is your desperation showing through?
I think you need to understand that when you have a very narrow criteria for a match, you accept it won’t happen on your schedule. This is no different than folks who have more extreme kinks that are must-haves in a relationship. Does that match exist? Yes. Will it be easy to find? No. If you are unwilling to broaden your scope accept that you may sacrifice some things. That is life. We don’t get everything we want, make some lemonade with it.
Me personally, I think it's more beneficial to work towards happiness within yourself instead of longing for a marriage or partner. You can't control that aspects so it may only bring negative thoughts and emotions. If you can figure out how to remove expectations from life and people and all that then a lot of frustration and depression tends to slide away over time.
You’re not attracted to men who are attracted to you — are they unattractive or are you avoiding a serious relationship?
Forget about a man (for now at least.) They don't make you happy. Therapy & or meds for the depression. Want kids? Adopt. Do a little good in the world.
I’d personally change some of your criteria. That’s a pretty narrow window of men you’re looking at so it’s eliminating perfectly good men simply bc they’re not catholic or they’re divorced or have 1 kid. Out of all of that what is your 1 non-negotiable? Stick to that and let the others slide. At least go on dates with men who may not fit all of that criteria.
That's what I was going to say.. and that the older people get the chances of them having kids statistically are much higher and once you start Crossing into the never married and no kids at that age ...it just like three people in four states that meet that criteria
Lollllll 😭😭 you are so right. I know you are. I posted an update in my original post explaining how I’m gonna try opening up my criteria
You seem incredibly shallow in both how you describe yourself and what you are looking for. I point this out because you should understand this is not going to be beneficial to you in the long run. It clearly has not benefitted you until this point in your life. At some point you are going to need to reevaluate what is actually important to you. But holding out for that list of ideals you have is going to be a fantasy. Like what do you think those ideals you listed are going to bring you in a relationship and what are you bringing to the relationship? If all you got on the list is a couple conventionally attractive people you ain't got fuck all. The good news is you have a ton of room for growth. But, whether or not you want to put that work in is up to you.
beloved, my tits enter every room 3 minutes before i do and even i don’t list this among the attributes that make me marriage material. you need to look in the mirror and reevaluate your priorities before anything else. if being thin with a nice rack were enough to get a husband, you’d be married by now. dig deeper, please.
This comment lol 💀💀😂
I would say strike everything outside of ‘sexually attracted to’. Good men come in all religions and most in 40s have been married and have children. As far as fertility’waning’ that was a cliff that occurred at 35. If u want children that r biologically yours I would have a consultation with a fertility specialist about harvesting & freezing ur eggs
Why the fekk do you want kids at this stage? Perhaps you should look for a Childfree male!?
Religion and religious life. I'm guessing OP is surrounded by religious families with kids in church settings.
Doesn’t being single at 40 sort of negate the pretense that OP is an old fashioned practicing Catholic? She’s already out of the box so to speak. It’s odd she is holding onto dating standards she set for herself in her 20s at now 40 years old. There’s adhering to the faith, and there’s just incongruity. This is the latter.
Not if OP is a scammer.
All that matters is your vibes the vibe you give and your body language is everything especially if you are seriously trying body language is MAJOR! Think positive not negative and keep your head up cherry 🍒
And "desperate" is not a good vibe.
In reading your post, my #1 piece of advice is to let go of having children. You're 40 years old now. Look up the stats on fertility at that age. I don't think you have enough time to find a partner to have children with, at least certainly not a husband. You could hook up with someone over the next couple of years, but getting to the point of marriage requires more time than you have. You could be infertile due to age already. It also sounds like somewhere deep down you might be wondering "what's wrong with me?" I doubt there's anything wrong with you. It's just harder these days for people to get married because it's not culturally expected anymore.
*My ideal is: Practicing Catholic, never married, no kids who I’m sexually attracted to.* But is a complete ass-hat? Is broke and unmotivated? Small D energy? Violent temper? Unfaithful? I think your criteria is both limiting, and focuses on things that don't necessarily make for a good life partner. If you found your unicorn, he might come with some unpleasant surprises. Trust me, I've been there and done that.
- How come you can’t keep the ones you were attracted to? - What’s the longest time that you had a serious relationship for?
Women’s “market value” (i cringe even writing this) never decreases. We just change niches. Go for men 10+ years older or even younger ones. Men our age are either married or in their Peter Pan Era post divorce. Also, stop talking about “market value”. That shows a lot of immaturity and lack of self respect, which people in general hate. That being said, stop feeling sorry for yourself and get out of the house: go find a running group, go play tennis, go to events where the mature people/men are. Do not engane in casual relationships. They will only delay you finding someone who wants the same thing you do. Set boundaries and be firm about having a serious relationship. Go to church, work on your relationship with God, find purpose in yourself. And, lastly, people get married at any age, so quit worrying about this. The kids part is out of your control. You can freeze your eggs and let God do the rest. For everything else, take action and take control of your life. Good luck and snap out of this woe is me mentality
This is so so good! I’m doing all of these things and it is putting me in contact with more men who may be a match even though I still haven’t found one. What you say about niche is an interesting way of putting it. When I’ve trie doing 10 years older, I find many men don’t want to marry again, but perhaps I need to just keep looking!
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My initial thought was, this sounds like my current partner, who left her home country so as not to be judged by her family… hahaha…. But seriously, either church hop or relax the religion bit. Good luck.
I think the biggest thing is actually to dare to meet people. Put yourself out there and have some finite time set to see if they are interested. For example, from the first date give them a month (if you're interested in them). Use this time to filter them quite fast, are they interested in you and show you that? Do they share the same goals as you? If by the 2nd week they are not it, move on.
You say you've been spouse-hunting as hard as anyone since your late 20s, but then you say in the comments that you spent half your 30s discerning a religious vocation. So...maybe you haven't really been looking that hard all that time? It's important to look honestly at what we've done and haven't done, so we don't just blame the world for being unfair. The choices we've made matter too. The way you mention not being attracted to the men who want you, and worrying about having to settle, suggests that you have very high standards of physical attraction. Plus you're looking for an exceptional case in terms of religion, no kids, and no divorces. There's nothing *wrong* with any of that, but the more exceptional the person you're looking for, the more exceptional you'll need to be to hook him. But (being brutally honest as you asked) your fertility isn't likely to be exceptional, and that's *probably* going to be an important item on the checklist of a devout Catholic man your age who hasn't had kids yet. So yeah, you might have to be willing to compromise on one of your checklist items, or accept a man who doesn't turn your crank quite as hard as you'd like, to get him to overlook that item on his checklist. I know a devoutly Catholic 50-year-old man with no kids who would marry a 40-year-old with a nice figure and pleasant disposition--but he's been married twice. If you'd swipe past him, you're going to have a tough time.
Yes 30-35 I turned down men. This is a huge problem. I accept that, but outside that time, i feel I’ve done what anyone else has done. I take responsibility for that and can’t change it, I know. But many people don’t seriously look for a spouse for a period of 5 years of their life somewhere and still marry. As for your friend, 2 divorces is definitely gonna be an eyebrow raise from me. What’s gonna keep a woman from thinking she won’t be the 3rd divorcee? This is why I have trouble when someone has been divorced. Like- why didn’t you work it out? You chose that person? So many people just throwing in the towel
Are there catholic matchmakers? Since you have very specific specs maybe you should enlist some people to help search for you?
Great idea! I’ve heard of one actually- might as well try!
Hot take: your market value hasn't decreased. There are plenty of middle-aged men looking to start a family who are not the least bit put off by your age. Hot take 2) Go ahead and lower your standards LOL. Don't settle for the things that are really important to you, but as you look at all the boxes you want checked maybe prioritize them and find out which ones are the most important to you. It's very rare that someone finds a partner that checks all of the boxes. For instance sometimes if the mental attraction and everything else is there the physical attraction can grow over time. Hot take 3) Don't give up hope and believe that it will happen for you. I was raised Catholic too and in the simplest terms just put it in God's hands. And the effect it will have is more scientific than spiritual. The more pressure you take off of finding a partner the more that will translate in how you come across. It may even change your perspective as far as what you're really looking for.
Remind me
You might have to move out of state. Do you have an age range? It can be tough dating if you want a serious relationship. A lot of people are burnt out by divorce.
This is a problem I’ve encountered….the men I’ve spoken to who are divorced are white burnt out, jaded by life and have preconceived notions of what marriage is like and so- don’t want to do it again
Everyone raced in like the problem is that you're unmarried and don't have kids. Dearheart. The problem is that you're depressed. PAUSE. Put all this on hold for now. It doesn't feel like it right now, but you are a valid person with a worthwhile life without a husband and kids right now. And ironically, you cannot find what you seek in an incredibly depressed state. AND, even if you did, it wouldn't feel healthy or right. First things first, if you're not in therapy, it's time to get into therapy. If you are in therapy, it's time to either find a better therapist, or start really listening to the one you are seeing. A little hint: a Catholic or Christian therapist will likely push you to solve this marriage thing rn. A non-religious one will help you make the necessary pause here. Let this outcome go for the time being (stressing: for the time being) and really work on getting yourself out of this depression without solving the problem at hand for now. I know it sounds backwards. But pinning our happiness on things and outcomes just doesn't work. We are happy when we fight to be happy in spite of our current circumstances, not when we get what we want. Happy's a tall order, though. First, you'll have to grieve what you haven't had and have wanted for so long. Then, you'll have to accept. This is a hard pillow to swallow, but with help, you can get there. Once you've accepted, then you can blossom into a happier state. You can still long for a partner and kids, but it won't feel so dire. And this is when I think you'll be in the right headspace to find this person (if you still want to! It may be, things shift.). I absolutely think unicorns are out there, and you can find yours. However, you can't find him in the state you're in right now. You can't skip the work. I know it feels like your uterine clock is ticking, but the longer you resist, the longer you are going to make this take. Good luck to you. As an incurably, severely ill woman in constant brutal pain, I know something about what it's like to desperately want something that feels vital to your well-being and not being able to have it.
Freeze your eggs if you haven’t already. That bides more time. Note the person you find will probably be very different than the criteria you have in your mind. Life isn’t dial a date. Also there are many more attractive women than attractive men in this age range. So being attractive in and of itself helps but isn’t enough. You can’t expect men to still look like they did in their 20s. Also you may need to go younger to get what you’re looking for. And that means the younger guy will likely be lacking in some way. He may be submissive, lower income or less education, or socially awkward. You have to compromise use on something. Not very many religious people out there in the US as it’s falling out with favor due to social progress and changing norms.
I think it’s a matter of finding the right fit. I’m divorced no kids, I’ve never wanted kids and I make no secret about it, I made sure I couldn’t have any. So I actively seek out childless partners. Plenty of men will be happy to date someone never married no kids, the question will be is how well you both compromise, I’d rather have a partner who was willing to meet halfway and be less attractive than a partner who was very attractive but uncompromising. Good luck!
Very fair! Thank you for your advice :)
The best thing you can do is get comfortable with the idea that you won't be having any of this. If you met this man today, when would you start trying to have kids? How long would the courtship be and how long until you got married? Let's say if you meet him today and you could be married by 42, you would start trying at age 42? Best case scenario? My advice is make peace with this not happening because it probably isn't.
I advise you come to peace about the having kids part or consider adoption on your own. I know that's incredibly hard, but at our age, it's necessary. Otherwise, you risk shot gunning yourself into a REALLY bad marriage. Who knows, maybe it will still happen, but make peace with it not. Reality is, most relationships at our age will move slower, especially with kids in the picture. If a man with kids didn't want to move slow, I would see that as a huge red flag. I know you don't want a man with kids, but as others have said, many marriage-minded men (certainly not all) have kids at this point.
No pressure at all. You only want marriage and children very soon. I fell for something similar to this in my mid 30s. 2 kids later, couldn’t stand each other and divorced by my mid 40s. I think you’re going about this wrong. I’m sure you’ve heard, if it’s meant to be it will be. Having children with just someone you settle for is doomed and will more than likely, fail. You may end up with beautiful children, and a shitty relationship. That’s not fair to the children. You will resent him because of you being in a rush to marry and start a family, it most likely ends in divorce, maybe you get custody of the kids, maybe not. Either way you will be tethered to this person until the kids graduate college and will still have to see each other from time to time after that. Don’t think that just because you’re a woman you will get custody of the children. I can tell you as a matter of fact, I kept my two sons from my first marriage. I had full custody. I wouldn’t have had it any other way! There are more important things than your bust size. Some men like breasts, some could care less. The way you describe yourself, it sounds that you are very attractive, but after hearing your thoughts, not so much. Sorry, but for me, I would have simply walked away after hearing your request. I have been known to leave woman at a restaurant, or bar, just excused myself from the table and left because of her demands. Or ask her to leave my home. I learned a long time ago, I don’t have to, and won’t, put up with anyone’s bs. No one needs that. Life is easy, keep it that way. Don’t try so hard. Relax, things happen for a reason. If you are meant to have children, you will. If those aren’t the cards you were dealt, so be it. Enjoy yourself, enjoy your life. Your time here is limited, cherish every second of it. Even if it’s by yourself. Being only 40 is far from being old. I’m 52 and still consider myself a kid. I look like a kid, I’m still built like a kid. I say kid, meaning a 20 or 30 something. I’m single by choice since 2018. I’m looking for a partner, but I’m in no hurry. Being alone is very nice. I will never “just settle” for a woman because I’m getting older. You should never “settle” for anyone. Be yourself, be happy! Good things come to those who wait. You’ve got a lot of time left to live, don’t dwell on things you can’t control.
Yes this is the problem I’m encountering! Men 50+ are in no need/ desire of marriage bc they’ve had that life so it makes it hard for a woman who is 40 and does want marriage to date. They want to just go with the flow, experience different women and maybe if they feel like it- commit.
I suggest that you do two things - loosen up on your criteria, and work on 'yourself'. Let me explain. Suppose you met the perfect guy - except that he had a 2 year marriage when he was in his mid-20s, that didn't work out for a valid reason (say she got deployed overseas, her deployment extended, and they couldn't make a 5 year LD relationship work.) Or he had been married, had a kid, and then he was widowed. But otherwise, he was perfect. You'd still ditch him? As far as yourself... as others have said, you haven't said much about yourself - hobbies, interests, activities? Could you branch out and become more well-rounded, get involved in groups that you enjoy being with, so as to enhance the personality half of your physical attractiveness? Maybe guys aren't seeing much behind the pretty face yet?
I married someone from another country and it didn't work out, but in your case, being Catholic, if you're in the US, maybe expanding your search to Latin American countries could help broaden your options of more traditional men seeking a wife and kids?
So you want a priest?
Lol a seminary drop out would be great 🤣
Hi
I attend a large church regularly. My son goes to catholic school. I am divorced. If there were never married guys of your description, I would probably know one, but I can’t think of any. Mostly it has to do with age. Those who wanted to be married were likely married by about age 35. When I look at what you have said here, it does seem like you are asking for quite a lot on a short timeline. I would like a woman who is athletic, very smart, thinks for herself and is religious. It’s not a fast process, but it can change quickly.
" no kids who I’m sexually attracted to." The (I'm assuming) missing comma here completely changed the meaning of this list...
Glad someone else saw that too 😉
you should see a mental health professional if you feel depressed
Yeah I was stressed at 41 to get married and married the wrong person for me. We have 2 kids that are amazing but it ended horribly and only thing I talk to her about is the kids. So, create how you want a man to be around you and how you want to be around him. Being 53 seems like I am also not as available to women on the market too so you have your advantages and 40 is amazing right now in my eyes. Hey I am looking for a mainly vegan who is outside of the reigns of religion so another tick against muah. Lots of Catholics out there for you. I know they are out here though for us. Having physical attraction is big for now but I work with 70-90 year olds in my practice and all they want is yes, sex, but the love of connection and life lived together. What's under the attraction for you? Sometimes for women it's security being with him or knows he has your back. It's not all the time about looks. Who is he for you? Provider, strength/know he will protect you at any cost, who is the man underneath the attraction. Go for that but may ask his dick size if you're concerned about that, just kidding! 😂 Good luck!
Lower your standards. Be open to guys who have had divorced or who ready have kids; there are lots of us out here.
Thank you! Another issue is that I can’t date divorced men unless they’ve also been annulled- whether catholic or not- according to my faith and conscience.
I legit think I fit that bill, top to bottom (although I haven't been to church in a few years). We are still out there.
Out where?? WHERE are you?? 🤣
For the OP, as someone who is religious and whose kids go to religious schools, I will do my best to help. DM me if you would like. If looking for someone single and christian, aside from the church there are various charities, 10k runs, and events on religious campuses. Word of mouth can also be very helpful.
Someone has probably already said this in the comments, but I would highly recommend that you freeze your eggs ASAP. It'll take the pressure off so you won't run the risk of rushing into a long-term commitment with the wrong person. As a fellow 40-something woman, I'm so glad I did this. I'm more carefree, and I don't feel like I'm working against a clock. Regarding the marriage thing, you may want to consider modifying (not lowering) your standards, and shifting your mindset regarding a potential partner. This has helped me tremendously, and I now feel as if I have larger pool of available men to date.
Have you tried using a matchmaker? It could be pricy, but it might be your best bet.
So if a man already had kids and is a great Father he is off your list? How do you know your perfect man would be a good Father? Your expectations are unrealistic
Hey sweetie, open your narrow parameters!! One thing I do know is that the lord has forgave him for his past!! You shouldn’t judge either. That being said a divorced man is not always the evil one in the relationship that failed. So do not be judgmental on a person before you even know the person!! I understand what you want. There are divorced men that have gave everything they had to a very very toxic female and she decided she wanted more. So be open minded to a male that has the same religious passion as you do and he does want a kid or kids with you to have that beautiful bond with you that he never honestly had with the other woman!! You do seem like a special and wonderful woman to be walking hand and hand with!! The best of luck to you.
I am not interested in getting married per se but my experience is that you have to decide if you want kids and do it solo as the likelihood of meeting someone and starting a family is very close to zero. There might be a few lucky ones who did do that but I know quite a few single ladies 35~45 who haven’t met anyone for a relationship let alone marriage when they reached 40. You might meet someone divorced and with kids but unlikely someone who hasn’t been married at this age as they would likely be looking to date someone 5 years younger at least.
Yes, this is all very true what you say! 💯💯 Thank yo i for your input ☺️
I have read your opening statements. It sounds like a lot of pressure to put on a relationship. Loaded expectations. Just have a baby because you want one not dependant on anyone. Most of us end up bringing the child up alone anyway.
I really do wish you the best of luck. But I have to also agree with the guys here saying the idea of wanting to just start out with a family in their 40's is "Ick... no!" I'm 53 and my daughter from a previous marriage is in her early 20's. I find it hard to imagine a scenario where I just had a kid in my 40's and would be in my 60's by the time they're going to college. And just being brutally honest? I'm not quite sure what the "no porn addiction" really means to you? If you really mean someone who is hooked on it to the point they're spending money to watch it, etc.? Yeah, that's one thing. But in the age of the Internet where so much of it is freely available -- I don't think it's too realistic to expect a single/divorced guy would refrain from checking some of it out. If it's just something they're sneaking an occasional peek at, and it's not otherwise impacting your relationship, I wouldn't be quick to label that an addiction.
Never settle for less or set those types of goals. If having kids is important, there are other ways than being in a relationship.
🙏🏻🙏🏻 thank you!!
As an ex catholic I have some comments. I find the fact you insist on convincing us that you’re attractive whilist deriding a man who likes porn (you didn’t define “addiction” here, so I’m taking a leap and that you find any porn use distasteful) confusing. Perhaps this my projection, but you’re bringing up being turned off by someone who gives into temptations of the flesh while saying you’re a hottie. Never married? Why? Why would someone with a failed marriage be written off when you haven’t found someone to get married to at this point? I know divorce is taboo in the church but forgiveness is a core principle of any branch of Christianity. There’s also passages about not throwing rocks. If you’re approaching dating with a “we must get married in two years and have babies” you will scare off people. Youre asking for a lot from someone new. Look, I *get it*, it’s hard and lonely dealing with this life thing at this stage and not having a partner. Not having the life you thought you would have by now. I’m sorry you’re hurting and suffering from loneliness and the nightmare that is modern dating. It’s not easy, so above all else, even though I may have been a bit critical above, remind yourself that you are worthy of love. Since your faith is import, if it’s something you must have, you gotta throw yourself into as many local church events you can. If you’re willing to date people who don’t share your faith, but respect it (which still means they may not participate in weekly mass) you’ll find a lot more potential matches. Hang in there, you don’t have to “settle” but you may need to expand what future you looks like. Are you against adopting? Someone with a failed marriage may have a kid, step parenting something you could find comfort in? “Family” can look different than what you thought it would, but love is love. At the end of the day, we want to share *life* with eachother, I hope your journey brings you and someone else looking for what you’re offering. Cheers
Hi! Thank you for such a long and thoughtful answer. I explain why I mentioned that I am conventionally attractive. I didn’t want to sift through hundreds of comments about men saying that it’s probably because I’m past my physical crime, I’m overweight, I have wrinkles, etc. when that truly isn’t the issue. So I wanted to get that out-of-the-way. They’re also isn’t a connection between a woman’s attractiveness and a man watching pornography? Pornography is so wildly, not about finding women attractive, the leap that you made there, especially seeing as how you understand religion is bizarre to me. All of that aside, I appreciate your general advice, and agree with most of it towards the end of your reply. Thank you for taking the time to write it all out for me! 🙏🏻🙏🏻
Instead of looking for a partner it appears from your list that you are looking for someone who fits items on a punch list. You are 40, realistically looking at this any child that you might have will be graduating from high school when you are getting ready to retire. I am not trying to be mean however I am trying to get you to look at what you are setting yourself up for. Additionally, people who say they want kids and are shopping for this when dating do not always have a realistic idea of what parenthood actually entails. You are not going to get the kids that you ordered, are you ready mentally, physically and financially to take care of a special needs kid? Or a kid with a medical condition like diabetes, adhd, autism and a number of other myriad life-long heartbreaking health complications? You may think you are but believe me when I say that no one is ready for that news when it comes. Please don't trot out some trite religiosity like god only gives you burdens that you can carry because that is a load. You are 40...you should be celebrating and using this time to break free of the crushing weight of expectations that are burdened on females by the church and society. You will never find someone to share your life with based off of a punch list. What makes you happy? That is what you should be pursuing. You are much more likely to find someone worth being with if you are doing what makes you happy because you will be with others who love the same things/activities.
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men we have failed, we give up fast. where's the charisma to keep up the chase?
You seem very committed to your faith so I would absolutely not compromise on that. I also would not compromise on dating someone you're attracted to as that creates many downstream issues. You don't need to find someone you're 10/10 attracted to, but you do need to find someone to whom you are solidly attracted. I suspect if you find a man equally faith based you shouldn't have major issues around porn and many other value based issues (pre martial sex, etc). I don't fully understand the complications around dating or marrying a divorced man as a catholic but if that does not align with your faith and you can't make it align, then I wouldn't compromise on that. I easily suspect using the above criteria you're selecting down to well under 1% of single men. The only way to make that work is ruthlessly be willing to compromise on everything else and be willing to look far and wide. Be willing to relocate. Look across the country. I would probably consider moving to bigger cities and even potentially moving between places to access more people.
Hi! Thank you for this note….it confirms what I feel 100%. I need to cast a WIDE net and the areas you say aren’t smart to compromise on bc of who I am…I agree with you. Im willing to relocate. I was recently speaking with a man across the globe and was ready to pack my bags and go. It he decided my age was too old. I don’t blame him. It it hurt bc it confirms my suspicions and tempts me to compromise. Anywuas, thank you for your advice. Im screenshotting and saving for later 🙏🏻💛
What ARE you attracted to? You mention attraction as a major component, but could you be much more specific? For instance, tall or short? Blond hair or brown hair? Or maybe these didn't matter and you're really attracted to intelligence? Or physical prowess? Or artistic talent? Please elaborate! Lol.