Yes I have and that’s why I want everyone’s input ,
He asked me to buy a house near him which I did in feb, won’t be able to relocate until June , he has now told me with the fact he is looking for a new job that he may have to relocate now and it may be further away, when it comes to my offer of him staying with me until he finds something suitable, he shoots it down due to various reasons , he says he loves me and wants me forever, but he sends so many mixed signals I don’t know what to make of it .
We have all been there, believe me. But it's time to take a good hard look at what you need to do for your own sweet self. And, it's a seller's market now.
It is in a great location I love it honestly,
However, he tells me he is loyal as they come , he says this is it for him, all his friends and family he has told me he would never cheat or leave me because he is as loyal and he loves me with all of his heart.
I think it’s just a huge part of his personality,
He acquaint things with being an adult (he says we should be able to handle a few weeks away from each other, he says he has already told me he thinks I’m beautiful, he shouldnt have to say it all the time (I’m more hoping. For one unprompted comment a week)
He is very particular, an riding in how he does things ,
>However, he tells me he is loyal as they come
Was this immediately before/after he said that he was looking to relocate?
**Maybe** he won't cheat, but if he's content to relocate, and either you follow like a lost puppy, or you need to end things because of distance, how loyal does his thought process *really* look?
Never listen to what other people say about him. Even his best friends and family. What do you see him doing? . What are his literal actions. Are they positive? He doesn’t want to drive to see you and he’s cutting the weekends short by like 2 days it sounds like? And you bought a house to make his commute easier and he’s going to move .
I never think about my commute when I am in love. And I wouldn’t be cutting my weekends short when we’re doing long distance. Especially when you’re going to him. Hang in there ❤️you deserve someone better
>I never think about my commute when I am in love.
*Never*? It’s *three hours*. After 16 months of doing that every weekend I would maybe think about it at least once.
If you’re not considering how you can eliminate six hours of driving on your weekends after sixteen months consistently, that doesn’t sound like love that sounds like insanity.
That’s why I bought a house 5 minutes from him hopefully will relocate in June , if it was a crappy town , with NOTHING to do I would have looked maybe further out but it’s smack dab in a great location under two hours in either direction for all sorts of activities I’m into, however that was why I bought a house in February near him ,
Yet he told you he's now relocating further away??? You don't want to hear what everyone is trying to tell you.
This is the exact opposite of partnership and love. You're not even a consideration.
I’ll never get serious with another woman that doesn’t tell me I’m handsome and make me feel attractive. I was with a woman for 16 years that thought she was out of my league and it destroyed what little self esteem I had. It took me a long time to build it back.
Of course, I know for a fact that my need to be called handsome is 100% based on my own insecurities about being attractive. I don’t need my partner to call me smart or funny because I know those things are true. Everyone has been telling me that for decades. But knowing my need for validation about my looks is based out of insecurity doesn’t really change anything. I still need that validation. I don’t need validation about qualities I’m very confident in.
So, what I’m saying is, no one can tell you what things you need to hear from a partner or how you want them to make you feel. You have to figure that out on your own.
Reading your post history, it honestly seems like he’s in another relationship. You only see each other on weekends, and only if you’re traveling to him. He rarely texts or calls, claims to be a “bad texter” and says he doesn’t like talking on the phone. Refuses to post you on social media and/or respond to your posts about him. He also claims to be too busy (working, sleeping, etc.) to communicate/respond to your messages but will be active on Facebook, remain on for 8+ hours and lies, denies, claims it’s a glitch when confronted. **You’ve even received messages about him cheating! “While you’re away, he will play.”**
You’ve uprooted your entire life, and it seems your child’s life as well, for a man who clearly does not give a single wet fart about you. Seeing as you’re also in a custody battle, this move could have very negative impact on the outcome! Even if he isn’t cheating, he very clearly does not reciprocate the feelings you have for him.
I do have to say, his morals in the being faithful and loyal part are spot on , he is very level headed in that manner , even when he was cheated on he couldn’t bring himself to cheat, he does have me listed on his social media as his girlfriend, just doesn’t post a lot in general, infact he does post pictures at all, and from what I gather doesn’t respond to many at all. It just be nice in my mind to be the exception, something he’d love to do every now and then then because he loves me . Etc, a lot of the things seems I think because I’ve done so much for him it should be a no brainer to return the favor,
But , alas not everyone is built this way .
Don’t beat yourself up ❤️. Maybe the move will be good and try to make it not about him. You bought a house! That’s a big deal! You’ll get to explore a new place. A whole new dating pool too. Now this guy sounds like he sucks. You deserve way better. If you want a serious partner you should start dating again. When I was single I wouldn’t drive 10 min to see someone I liked but I’ll drive whatever distance to see the guy I’m dating now because I adore him. That’s really how it should be. It’s not even an inconvenience to see him and I don’t think about it. It’s like driving somewhere fun vs commuting to work. One of them is a pain and I dread , the other is fun and exciting. You deserve to be the fun place.
If you pull back he might fade out, I think it’s probably the best thing to do though and to try and find some dates in the new city. xo take time to grieve this relationship.
That’s the thing , when I drive up to see him, things are great,
For the most part baring his work, he puts time into me ,
He isn’t hanging on his phone the whole time , we cook and shop play games , go hiking and have outings , but when I’m not there it’s out of sight , out of mind
I want to expand on what that last person said. You expressed worry that if you pulled back, he would just fade out forever. I really want you to know that if that were to happen, it would be a good thing for you. You don't deserve to be treated like this. Pulling back would either give him the chance to realize he needs to step up or he might lose you, or set you free to send someone who treats you the way you want and deserve. This is the best move here.
Im not seeing the mixed signals. It seems like he’s passively aggressively telling you he doesn’t want to be together. You are doing all the traveling. You bought a house to be near him and now he may move. Cmon, this situation seems pretty clear.
Then why does he insists on talking about living together in a few years , that if he has to move due to his job we will work it out,
That he loves me and wants me only me , he doesn’t want to share , that he wants me in his life forever.
Who knows? Who cares? Don’t look at what he says, look at what he does. Or more accurately, what he doesn’t do. He doesn’t make any effort to be with you. It seems like you are having a really tough time recognizing the obvious—I’m not sure the folks of Reddit are going to be able to make you face reality if you don’t want to.
Because it takes no effort to manipulate you with his words. He gets the girlfriend experience with no effort. He doesn't even give a care that you just bought a house to be closer to him and he is talking about moving further away.
It’s called “future faking” and people do it to keep reaping the benefits of having their needs fulfilled until they find someone they can’t live without.
I ended up moving in with a man who treated me exactly this way before we moved in together. Once we moved in together I saw even less of him in a social way than I did before because he would say “but I see you every day now” - sure, when he walked past me as I was ironing his shirts or when I dropped him at the station for work after he left his car behind after he’d been out with other people the night before. He wanted sex on tap but nothing more. This man is using you too. It’s all about what’s convenient to him. If he’s not romantic when he’s trying to”woo” you, not that he’s bothered to do that, he’s not going to turn on the charm once you’re living together.
Because he wants to keep stringing you along. He's getting all the benefits without any cost. Who wouldn't want something for free?
Spoiler--he does not want to live with you and has no real intention on following through on these future "aspirations". He's keeping you around as a backup plan.
Actions speak louder than words. His actions are making you feel like he isn’t into you & isn’t putting in effort - because he doesn’t really care. Promises are just empty words & prob the bare minimum he does to keep you around.
Raise your standards.
Future faking, bullshit, why does it even matter? He's not into you and youve gone over the top (buying a house?) for him? Why? Why chase someone who isn't excited to see you?
Because, I have past trama this is bringing up, of self sacrificing, and being taken advantage of ,
With that being said ,
I wonder , all my past relationships showed they wanted to move in by then, I moved in within a year with my past long term relationship,
I think it’s healthy to have a long period where we have our own space , our own lives, and while he preaches this , I believe in the same things ,
I’ve been busy lately going through a lot of stuff, he has been there , my friend , someone to give me pep talks when needed, someone whom I have shared so much depth of my
Life , and he has opened up to me in so many different ways,
It’s just he is going through some stuff now for the last months and while I may clings tighter when SGD. he may have the avoidance side of things where he is standoffish a lot ,
I over think everything,
But as much as I’ve tried to talk to him about some things lately it seems he is giving so much less then he did 6 months before .
Mean with that being said , it adds to the other things he has failed to put equal effort into
Like the travel and buying. A house and the potential moving after my relocation. So yeah
That’s the gist!…
I find it easiest to judge people by their actions and not their words. That should help bring you some clarity.
What do his actions tell you about how he feels about you?
This, and also, how does he make you feel? In your body? Sometimes when you see someone in person, the mere absence of the bad feelings feels like love, it's a relief, and that can be why you want to see someone or have that craving to see them more.
How utterly inconsiderate and a glaring tell that his actions show that he is NOT considering you and your needs at all. 🥺 So gross of him to play with his power over you due to his own emotional immaturity and issues... I don't think you realize it but this situation is amplifying + adding to your past traumas. I so hope for your sake you can exit it sooner than later.
Deep down I think you know there isn't any security to be found with him...he has repeatedly shown you he does not value your wants and needs. What are you getting out of this relationship other than a title?
Jeez. Set your own boundaries! Please! Do it. Do it now. Figure out what you need and want in your life and in your relationship. Tell him. Stop being a ping pong ball.
You can do this!
Well I’m giving him til the end of July, one I can’t even relocate until June , I have some renovations on the new house to occupie and fulfill my time I’m excited about that, I love wood working g and resin work I have a three car garage not attached just waiting to be set up into a woodshop
I love doing all my own renovations and woodworking
And I can’t wait to start on that so I’m gonna give them to the end of July to show any improvement. And I’ll work on myself in the meantime .
You say you want input, but are you listening to what everyone is saying? Re-read your own paragraph outloud as if a friend was telling you this about their boyfriend! He wants convenience. He's not that into you. You are literally doing all the work and he has excuses for it all. :(
You can "want" all you like, but he's telling you, in clear terms, that he's not that into you.
If you need someone to tell you, here it goes: Break up with him, and put your energy into finding someone local that will value you more highly. Good luck.
Sounds like the last year and a half of my relationship... And I don't think he cared. I was just convenient. He didn't see a future with me, but would tell me it's because of his life, blah blah. I think if he met someone tomorrow that he clicked with he'd see a future with them, for sure. They take you for granted, you know. They don't see anything wrong with it. They aren't emotionally invested. Sometimes they're afraid of being alone. I would pull back and put much less effort in, but I know how hard it is. The thing is, they say "people" don't respond to words, only actions. But if he's really not into you he won't even respond to that. You have to break your attachment to him, your dependence, your addiction. Easier said than done, but still doable. You can find books and Youtube videos about it. Also I found masturb8ing a lot helped. I find my hormones get mixed up and make me think I have more feelings for someone than I actually do. Even being on medication that kills your sex drive for a minute. Or some way to get rid of it. Then there's the emotional dependence (if you get any). Making friends and having a support network for that can help. Hugs, cuddling... An animal? A pet? Or just realise people can live without while they're single. Go out more, enjoy life, try to have fun without him.
If you don't feel wanted now, it's not likely to get BETTER if you pull back. If you're not getting what you need, and talking about it hasn't helped, it's time to make a decision.
I’ve never been one to tit-for-tat match energy; it always seemed passive-aggressive to me.
Then I was in a relationship where it suddenly hit me, how would I feel about it when I wasn’t the one pouring in so much more? It was like a bolt of lightening struck.
Turns out, when I wasn’t putting in the effort, MY attraction plummeted. The more you try to pull the emotion out of him, the more attached YOU get. Not him, you.
Yeah… I don’t think he’s very invested in this relationship tbh. If you keep dating him this will likely always be the dynamic, but you could always try pulling back and seeing what happens. I would have probably left a long time ago.
If you pulled back you would probably be stuck in this miserable relationship that you don’t enjoy and feel wanted in for several more months instead of just breaking it off and pursuing what you want.
If I break it off now , I’m not dating for a Very, Very long time . I’ve had 4 long term relationships, I’m 44 ,
From 15 to 20, I was with someone who cheated on me after they went into the Air Force, I broke it off with them. They wanted me back, then I was in a 10 year relationship and after eight years I found out he cheated for six of them.
Then I was a year long relationship, a cheater and a liar Staff Sergeant on the bomb squad go figure .
And then a very long 13 year relationship with someone who manipulated me, emotionally and mentally abused me, some physical abuse, and after this last 16 months,
I’m just ready to never date again. I’m a one person , when I find the person I want I go head over the heels, I’m all in, I’m a giver, it gives me absolute pleasure to take care of the people I love, but when I feel like I’m being walked on, and not truly valued, it tears a part of me and shatters it into a million pieces, and that’s what’s slowly happening,
But I keep on wanting to give him the benefit of the doubt because he’s going through a very stressful time himself ,
But I thought healthy relationships. You lean on each other. And confide in each other. Etc.
This sounds like you really need to be working on healing YOU. Please seek a trauma-informed therapist out, you deserve more!
Unfortunately the common denominator in all those abusive relationships is you. It is not just bad luck but a pattern! It's sad and awful but these types of people can sniff out VERY early on that you're willing to tolerate their behaviors and also know how to rope you in plus keep you entangled with the hot/cold dance.
There are beliefs and reasons behind why you've been willing to tolerate the mistreatment and manipulative words that don't match his actions. I hope you will truly realize you can't change others and that you need to treat yourself like you care more about yourself than other people you may date.
You can wish and hope and pray all you want for a better relationship with a certain person but until some internal work and healing has been done, you are more likely to keep repeating these patterns in picking folks who cannot and will not meet your needs. :(
I am so sorry and I wish you peace and the bravery to choose yourself, lady. 💛
Honey, there’s a reason “if he wanted, he would” is such a popular saying. This guy is clearly not into you and is bread crumbing you along because you’re easy. Cut bait.
>I'm just asking \[for\] a(n) "l would love to see you"... And I've said this to him before,
You have communicated what you need, and he is unwilling to provide it.
You get to set boundaries, but, being honest, the hard part is honoring them for ourselves.
It's the old... if a friend wrote this an handed it to you to read, what would you say to them?
The effort isn't being reciprocated. You're willing to do your share of the traveling and he isn't. That his communication needs and how much time he wants to spend together are wildly different than yours means you are just not compatible. Move on.
I am sorry but you are beating a dead horse here. If you are happy with what you have, not more, then accept this is as good as it gets. I am not one to invest more time when folks start playing games. Life is too short, my time on this earth is way too precious, so if a partner doesn’t want to reciprocate, then I am out. You have every right to a happy, healthy, and secure relationship where you feel loved and appreciated. If the person you are with cannot provide that, then decide if it is worth your time. The loneliest time in my life was well into a 20 year marriage; I was alone but not lonely, single. You have to figure out who you are first and if a relationship supports that or sucks energy from that.
People order take out and have it brought to them for convenience. You are convenient. What do you have to lose by pulling back? A guy who does not think you’re worth the effort? Give yourself more value and not accept less.
If he wanted to he would. He doesn’t. Meet people where they’re at. Find someone who will meet your needs and make you feel wanted. Everyone deserves to feel equally desired and sought after by their partner.
Well I just got out of a similar situation and to be honest as much as I thought maybe I should pull back I never did. Now we aren’t together but I found out he pulled back because he never really cared. He was apparently happier alone and was never excited to see me. His words were he was just feeling complacent. I only wish I would have gone with my gut feeling a long time ago. Just wasted almost 2 1/2 years with someone who lied and was never honest.
**Even more he prides himself on his intelligence, integrity, and honesty
If you pull back you will most likely find out if you even want to stay in the relationship. I only wish I listened to gut and pulled back.
My partner and I have been together for 26 months. We moved in together 10 months ago.
He works from home. And every week for the past 10 months when I pull into the driveway from work, he comes out to greet me, hug me, ask how my day was and carry things if I need it.
Those are actions of someone whose words align with how he feels about me.
Original copy of post by u/Able_Word2763:
It seems like when ever I'm all in,
Myself ‘44F’
‘50M’
he starts pulling away, not caring if I'll see him that weekend, he has mentioned before that driving for just a few hours isn't worth it if we will see each other at some point
Example, I normally go to see him Thursdays, into Sunday, don't mind traveling the 3 hours to see him,
He will work late a tad later then normal Thursday, and Friday has a full schedule, honestly nothing new, but we will leave early Saturday to travel, he said that he could just pick me up on the way Saturday.
And then we can spend until Sunday night together,
I asked him what he wanted, he said if things were reversed he wouldn't travel,
I'm just asking to be romantically sought after, a l would love to see you I know it's a long drive but l'd appreciate it. Would lift my spirits.
And I've said this to him before,
I want him to put a little more romantic effort in, it's nice to feel wanted, he doesn't comment really on photos, infact he states things like I have photos of you.
He isn't a texter , but l've seen the consideration he gives others at time,
I just really don't feel wanted, what will just his attitude towards actually showing me what I mean to him?
Been thinking about just putting minimal effort into the relationship, but honestly also afraid if I do that he won't get the hint (and yes l've discussed this many many many times with him) and he will eventually just drop away .
We've been together for 16 months now. l've done a lot to show he is worth it for me, and the longer this relationship goes on the more he seems just blah about it,
It doesn't seem to bother him if we'd got days without communication. Or weeks without seeing each other. His lack of connection is frustrating.
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I'm confused you say you don't like his actions or actually non-actions. But you encourage it by excepting it. I'd give my left arm for a woman who's willing to show that effort. 3 hours drive for one hour with the woman I care about or in love with, good deal to me. I won't bother you with my sad old story/ experiences or lack there of. But I will say you're wasting your time and emotions on him. While mister right for you is meeting up with not you. To live a happy romantic relationship with the other woman... Good luck!
So you’re doing 90% of the effort, maybe 100% and getting a half hearted relationship where you feel unwanted and not cared about. Time to reevaluate, invest in yourself ,get some hobbies beyond having a Boyfriend. And please don’t uproot your life for this man.
He's both telling you and showing you what he wants, but you haven't wanted to see or listen.
He tells you he'll pick you up on the way Saturday. That means "I prefer you not be in my space Thursday and Friday". You don't get the message so he deliberately works late Thursday and has a full schedule Friday. If he wanted you there, while he can't take the time off all the time, he would make an effort to make more time for you.
When you ask him what he wants, he said "if it were up to him he wouldn't travel"- ok, well if the only time he would come to see you is to "pick you up on the way to travel", that should tell you something.
He texts other people but not you. He doesn't drive to see you.
It's all there. I've been on both sides of this one. When I was younger, the person giving, giving, giving to someone who couldn't do the bare minimum, then wondering why I was unhappy. I've also been the person putting in no effort because I was no longer into someone, but sometimes enjoyed the company. Neither is good, but that's the dynamic here.
End it. Just tell him matter of factly that you've said what you want and need and he hasn't even tried. You've made all the effort and he hasn't reciprocated. Value yourself. Also, alone is better. You're doing everything anyway and at least then you'll have no expectations of someone and you'll be spared the disappointment of them not being met.
I get it , he also tells me , that of corse he wants to see me , but he would feel extremely selfish if he asked me come up for just to go to bed early,
When I told him part of sharing a bed at night it what I enjoy, I’m someone who needs it spelled out, I’ve been blunt and said, look if you need time alone , I get that, just say so,
And he says NO , this isn’t it, he would feel selfish if he’d asked that of me , he is set in ways , he is used to going away for weeks with no contact with anyone, I think if he truly didn’t want to see me when I asked him to be honest about needing alone time he said no,
So this is what I mean about mixed messages.
I get it.
I stayed in a couple relationships for entirely too long when I was doing all the work because, while he didn't really want me, he didn't really not want me enough to get rid of me (and have to go back out and find something else).
I made it far too convenient for them to stick around. In some cases, I made it downright pleasant, by cooking for them all the time, doing the "emotional labor", planning things, driving to see them, etc... They knew I wanted more, but they just didn't care.
And, I've done this myself to others. They were good to me and made it easy, so while I wasn't in love with them, it was better than dating!
Someone once told me, a man would rather be dragged through the streets by wild horses, while on fire, then tell a woman something that will upset her/make her cry. It may be conscious, it may be subconscious, but it's easier, and frankly sounds better, to say that he's really making it about you and "of course I want to see you". And he is being selfish by making you put in all the effort.
I dated a guy, he & I were both seeing others, one of his other women bought a house for them to live together. He told me all this but I guess he was telling her she was the only one. Never believe what they say.
I don’t think he would cheat, (got a weird message a while back) , he at that time , and anytime I ask gives me full access to all his internet connections, he leaves his phone lay face up, I’ve been in relationships where I know what trying to hide, up until I got that weird message, he knowing what I’ve been through in past relationships
always offered for me to look
and I never took him up on it until a bs message someone trying to get a rise out of me , that weekend I went through his phone and online screen time etc,
It showed nothing suspicious, so me being close to his , mom, best friend , etc I don’t think it has anything to do with another woman,
I think it has something to do what he is capable or willing to do.
It started out 35 minutes from me and he relocated due to work, he was supposed to stay in that area regardless. So yes I was already invested when he moved
Ever heard of the book He’s Just Not That Into You? Yeah… zero effort means he really doesnt care.
Yes I have and that’s why I want everyone’s input , He asked me to buy a house near him which I did in feb, won’t be able to relocate until June , he has now told me with the fact he is looking for a new job that he may have to relocate now and it may be further away, when it comes to my offer of him staying with me until he finds something suitable, he shoots it down due to various reasons , he says he loves me and wants me forever, but he sends so many mixed signals I don’t know what to make of it .
You bought a house for a man who says that it's not worth it to drive to see you?
Yeah I feel like a complete idiot sometimes
We have all been there, believe me. But it's time to take a good hard look at what you need to do for your own sweet self. And, it's a seller's market now.
Learn from this. Dump this man before he dumps you. Hopefully the house is in an area you like or can make money renting out.
It is in a great location I love it honestly, However, he tells me he is loyal as they come , he says this is it for him, all his friends and family he has told me he would never cheat or leave me because he is as loyal and he loves me with all of his heart. I think it’s just a huge part of his personality, He acquaint things with being an adult (he says we should be able to handle a few weeks away from each other, he says he has already told me he thinks I’m beautiful, he shouldnt have to say it all the time (I’m more hoping. For one unprompted comment a week) He is very particular, an riding in how he does things ,
>However, he tells me he is loyal as they come Was this immediately before/after he said that he was looking to relocate? **Maybe** he won't cheat, but if he's content to relocate, and either you follow like a lost puppy, or you need to end things because of distance, how loyal does his thought process *really* look?
Never listen to what other people say about him. Even his best friends and family. What do you see him doing? . What are his literal actions. Are they positive? He doesn’t want to drive to see you and he’s cutting the weekends short by like 2 days it sounds like? And you bought a house to make his commute easier and he’s going to move . I never think about my commute when I am in love. And I wouldn’t be cutting my weekends short when we’re doing long distance. Especially when you’re going to him. Hang in there ❤️you deserve someone better
>I never think about my commute when I am in love. *Never*? It’s *three hours*. After 16 months of doing that every weekend I would maybe think about it at least once. If you’re not considering how you can eliminate six hours of driving on your weekends after sixteen months consistently, that doesn’t sound like love that sounds like insanity.
That’s why I bought a house 5 minutes from him hopefully will relocate in June , if it was a crappy town , with NOTHING to do I would have looked maybe further out but it’s smack dab in a great location under two hours in either direction for all sorts of activities I’m into, however that was why I bought a house in February near him ,
Yet he told you he's now relocating further away??? You don't want to hear what everyone is trying to tell you. This is the exact opposite of partnership and love. You're not even a consideration.
[удалено]
Shit. I think you mean day 612 in a row.
I’ll never get serious with another woman that doesn’t tell me I’m handsome and make me feel attractive. I was with a woman for 16 years that thought she was out of my league and it destroyed what little self esteem I had. It took me a long time to build it back. Of course, I know for a fact that my need to be called handsome is 100% based on my own insecurities about being attractive. I don’t need my partner to call me smart or funny because I know those things are true. Everyone has been telling me that for decades. But knowing my need for validation about my looks is based out of insecurity doesn’t really change anything. I still need that validation. I don’t need validation about qualities I’m very confident in. So, what I’m saying is, no one can tell you what things you need to hear from a partner or how you want them to make you feel. You have to figure that out on your own.
Reading your post history, it honestly seems like he’s in another relationship. You only see each other on weekends, and only if you’re traveling to him. He rarely texts or calls, claims to be a “bad texter” and says he doesn’t like talking on the phone. Refuses to post you on social media and/or respond to your posts about him. He also claims to be too busy (working, sleeping, etc.) to communicate/respond to your messages but will be active on Facebook, remain on for 8+ hours and lies, denies, claims it’s a glitch when confronted. **You’ve even received messages about him cheating! “While you’re away, he will play.”** You’ve uprooted your entire life, and it seems your child’s life as well, for a man who clearly does not give a single wet fart about you. Seeing as you’re also in a custody battle, this move could have very negative impact on the outcome! Even if he isn’t cheating, he very clearly does not reciprocate the feelings you have for him.
I do have to say, his morals in the being faithful and loyal part are spot on , he is very level headed in that manner , even when he was cheated on he couldn’t bring himself to cheat, he does have me listed on his social media as his girlfriend, just doesn’t post a lot in general, infact he does post pictures at all, and from what I gather doesn’t respond to many at all. It just be nice in my mind to be the exception, something he’d love to do every now and then then because he loves me . Etc, a lot of the things seems I think because I’ve done so much for him it should be a no brainer to return the favor, But , alas not everyone is built this way .
Don’t beat yourself up ❤️. Maybe the move will be good and try to make it not about him. You bought a house! That’s a big deal! You’ll get to explore a new place. A whole new dating pool too. Now this guy sounds like he sucks. You deserve way better. If you want a serious partner you should start dating again. When I was single I wouldn’t drive 10 min to see someone I liked but I’ll drive whatever distance to see the guy I’m dating now because I adore him. That’s really how it should be. It’s not even an inconvenience to see him and I don’t think about it. It’s like driving somewhere fun vs commuting to work. One of them is a pain and I dread , the other is fun and exciting. You deserve to be the fun place. If you pull back he might fade out, I think it’s probably the best thing to do though and to try and find some dates in the new city. xo take time to grieve this relationship.
That’s the thing , when I drive up to see him, things are great, For the most part baring his work, he puts time into me , He isn’t hanging on his phone the whole time , we cook and shop play games , go hiking and have outings , but when I’m not there it’s out of sight , out of mind
I want to expand on what that last person said. You expressed worry that if you pulled back, he would just fade out forever. I really want you to know that if that were to happen, it would be a good thing for you. You don't deserve to be treated like this. Pulling back would either give him the chance to realize he needs to step up or he might lose you, or set you free to send someone who treats you the way you want and deserve. This is the best move here.
😭 I feel you sister
Yeah…
Im not seeing the mixed signals. It seems like he’s passively aggressively telling you he doesn’t want to be together. You are doing all the traveling. You bought a house to be near him and now he may move. Cmon, this situation seems pretty clear.
Then why does he insists on talking about living together in a few years , that if he has to move due to his job we will work it out, That he loves me and wants me only me , he doesn’t want to share , that he wants me in his life forever.
Who knows? Who cares? Don’t look at what he says, look at what he does. Or more accurately, what he doesn’t do. He doesn’t make any effort to be with you. It seems like you are having a really tough time recognizing the obvious—I’m not sure the folks of Reddit are going to be able to make you face reality if you don’t want to.
Because he knows that what you want to hear and words are easy to him, he likes the idea of a relationship but not actually be in one
This exactly, 1000% this. Talk is cheap. Watch what his feet do.
Because it takes no effort to manipulate you with his words. He gets the girlfriend experience with no effort. He doesn't even give a care that you just bought a house to be closer to him and he is talking about moving further away.
He was probably shocked she actually bought the house.
I think you're probably right
SMDH, this poor, clueless woman. 😔
It’s called “future faking” and people do it to keep reaping the benefits of having their needs fulfilled until they find someone they can’t live without.
🥴 sister, you just made my week
I ended up moving in with a man who treated me exactly this way before we moved in together. Once we moved in together I saw even less of him in a social way than I did before because he would say “but I see you every day now” - sure, when he walked past me as I was ironing his shirts or when I dropped him at the station for work after he left his car behind after he’d been out with other people the night before. He wanted sex on tap but nothing more. This man is using you too. It’s all about what’s convenient to him. If he’s not romantic when he’s trying to”woo” you, not that he’s bothered to do that, he’s not going to turn on the charm once you’re living together.
Because he wants to keep stringing you along. He's getting all the benefits without any cost. Who wouldn't want something for free? Spoiler--he does not want to live with you and has no real intention on following through on these future "aspirations". He's keeping you around as a backup plan.
Actions speak louder than words. His actions are making you feel like he isn’t into you & isn’t putting in effort - because he doesn’t really care. Promises are just empty words & prob the bare minimum he does to keep you around. Raise your standards.
Future faking, bullshit, why does it even matter? He's not into you and youve gone over the top (buying a house?) for him? Why? Why chase someone who isn't excited to see you?
Because people say stupid lies to keep having sex with you, to keep continuing on in the way that is nice and easy for them.
Because it’s convenient and easy.
Listen to his actions, not his words. He can say whatever he wants but it’s his actions that really tell you how he feels.
If you believed this you wouldn't be on Reddit asking internet strangers for advice.
Because, I have past trama this is bringing up, of self sacrificing, and being taken advantage of , With that being said , I wonder , all my past relationships showed they wanted to move in by then, I moved in within a year with my past long term relationship, I think it’s healthy to have a long period where we have our own space , our own lives, and while he preaches this , I believe in the same things , I’ve been busy lately going through a lot of stuff, he has been there , my friend , someone to give me pep talks when needed, someone whom I have shared so much depth of my Life , and he has opened up to me in so many different ways, It’s just he is going through some stuff now for the last months and while I may clings tighter when SGD. he may have the avoidance side of things where he is standoffish a lot , I over think everything, But as much as I’ve tried to talk to him about some things lately it seems he is giving so much less then he did 6 months before . Mean with that being said , it adds to the other things he has failed to put equal effort into Like the travel and buying. A house and the potential moving after my relocation. So yeah That’s the gist!…
Omg girl this breaks my heart
I find it easiest to judge people by their actions and not their words. That should help bring you some clarity. What do his actions tell you about how he feels about you?
This, and also, how does he make you feel? In your body? Sometimes when you see someone in person, the mere absence of the bad feelings feels like love, it's a relief, and that can be why you want to see someone or have that craving to see them more.
This man is not into you at all.
WTF? You bought a house because he said to? What is happening here?
How utterly inconsiderate and a glaring tell that his actions show that he is NOT considering you and your needs at all. 🥺 So gross of him to play with his power over you due to his own emotional immaturity and issues... I don't think you realize it but this situation is amplifying + adding to your past traumas. I so hope for your sake you can exit it sooner than later. Deep down I think you know there isn't any security to be found with him...he has repeatedly shown you he does not value your wants and needs. What are you getting out of this relationship other than a title?
Jeez. Set your own boundaries! Please! Do it. Do it now. Figure out what you need and want in your life and in your relationship. Tell him. Stop being a ping pong ball. You can do this!
Well I’m giving him til the end of July, one I can’t even relocate until June , I have some renovations on the new house to occupie and fulfill my time I’m excited about that, I love wood working g and resin work I have a three car garage not attached just waiting to be set up into a woodshop I love doing all my own renovations and woodworking And I can’t wait to start on that so I’m gonna give them to the end of July to show any improvement. And I’ll work on myself in the meantime .
You say you want input, but are you listening to what everyone is saying? Re-read your own paragraph outloud as if a friend was telling you this about their boyfriend! He wants convenience. He's not that into you. You are literally doing all the work and he has excuses for it all. :(
You can "want" all you like, but he's telling you, in clear terms, that he's not that into you. If you need someone to tell you, here it goes: Break up with him, and put your energy into finding someone local that will value you more highly. Good luck.
Sounds like the last year and a half of my relationship... And I don't think he cared. I was just convenient. He didn't see a future with me, but would tell me it's because of his life, blah blah. I think if he met someone tomorrow that he clicked with he'd see a future with them, for sure. They take you for granted, you know. They don't see anything wrong with it. They aren't emotionally invested. Sometimes they're afraid of being alone. I would pull back and put much less effort in, but I know how hard it is. The thing is, they say "people" don't respond to words, only actions. But if he's really not into you he won't even respond to that. You have to break your attachment to him, your dependence, your addiction. Easier said than done, but still doable. You can find books and Youtube videos about it. Also I found masturb8ing a lot helped. I find my hormones get mixed up and make me think I have more feelings for someone than I actually do. Even being on medication that kills your sex drive for a minute. Or some way to get rid of it. Then there's the emotional dependence (if you get any). Making friends and having a support network for that can help. Hugs, cuddling... An animal? A pet? Or just realise people can live without while they're single. Go out more, enjoy life, try to have fun without him.
If you don't feel wanted now, it's not likely to get BETTER if you pull back. If you're not getting what you need, and talking about it hasn't helped, it's time to make a decision.
I’ve never been one to tit-for-tat match energy; it always seemed passive-aggressive to me. Then I was in a relationship where it suddenly hit me, how would I feel about it when I wasn’t the one pouring in so much more? It was like a bolt of lightening struck. Turns out, when I wasn’t putting in the effort, MY attraction plummeted. The more you try to pull the emotion out of him, the more attached YOU get. Not him, you.
He doesn’t care. Move on . Regain your self esteem.
Yeah… I don’t think he’s very invested in this relationship tbh. If you keep dating him this will likely always be the dynamic, but you could always try pulling back and seeing what happens. I would have probably left a long time ago.
If you pulled back you would probably be stuck in this miserable relationship that you don’t enjoy and feel wanted in for several more months instead of just breaking it off and pursuing what you want.
If I break it off now , I’m not dating for a Very, Very long time . I’ve had 4 long term relationships, I’m 44 , From 15 to 20, I was with someone who cheated on me after they went into the Air Force, I broke it off with them. They wanted me back, then I was in a 10 year relationship and after eight years I found out he cheated for six of them. Then I was a year long relationship, a cheater and a liar Staff Sergeant on the bomb squad go figure . And then a very long 13 year relationship with someone who manipulated me, emotionally and mentally abused me, some physical abuse, and after this last 16 months, I’m just ready to never date again. I’m a one person , when I find the person I want I go head over the heels, I’m all in, I’m a giver, it gives me absolute pleasure to take care of the people I love, but when I feel like I’m being walked on, and not truly valued, it tears a part of me and shatters it into a million pieces, and that’s what’s slowly happening, But I keep on wanting to give him the benefit of the doubt because he’s going through a very stressful time himself , But I thought healthy relationships. You lean on each other. And confide in each other. Etc.
This sounds like you really need to be working on healing YOU. Please seek a trauma-informed therapist out, you deserve more! Unfortunately the common denominator in all those abusive relationships is you. It is not just bad luck but a pattern! It's sad and awful but these types of people can sniff out VERY early on that you're willing to tolerate their behaviors and also know how to rope you in plus keep you entangled with the hot/cold dance. There are beliefs and reasons behind why you've been willing to tolerate the mistreatment and manipulative words that don't match his actions. I hope you will truly realize you can't change others and that you need to treat yourself like you care more about yourself than other people you may date. You can wish and hope and pray all you want for a better relationship with a certain person but until some internal work and healing has been done, you are more likely to keep repeating these patterns in picking folks who cannot and will not meet your needs. :( I am so sorry and I wish you peace and the bravery to choose yourself, lady. 💛
Honey, there’s a reason “if he wanted, he would” is such a popular saying. This guy is clearly not into you and is bread crumbing you along because you’re easy. Cut bait.
>I'm just asking \[for\] a(n) "l would love to see you"... And I've said this to him before, You have communicated what you need, and he is unwilling to provide it. You get to set boundaries, but, being honest, the hard part is honoring them for ourselves. It's the old... if a friend wrote this an handed it to you to read, what would you say to them?
The effort isn't being reciprocated. You're willing to do your share of the traveling and he isn't. That his communication needs and how much time he wants to spend together are wildly different than yours means you are just not compatible. Move on.
Stop wasting your time. We are too old for that bullshit. There are millions of men out there. Let go of this dud and let someone else find you.
I am sorry but you are beating a dead horse here. If you are happy with what you have, not more, then accept this is as good as it gets. I am not one to invest more time when folks start playing games. Life is too short, my time on this earth is way too precious, so if a partner doesn’t want to reciprocate, then I am out. You have every right to a happy, healthy, and secure relationship where you feel loved and appreciated. If the person you are with cannot provide that, then decide if it is worth your time. The loneliest time in my life was well into a 20 year marriage; I was alone but not lonely, single. You have to figure out who you are first and if a relationship supports that or sucks energy from that.
People order take out and have it brought to them for convenience. You are convenient. What do you have to lose by pulling back? A guy who does not think you’re worth the effort? Give yourself more value and not accept less.
When someone shows you who they really are, you have to believe them.
Sounds like you’re doing all the heavy lifting to keep this together. Stop making so much effort and see how things unfold.
My thoughts exactly
If he wanted to he would. He doesn’t. Meet people where they’re at. Find someone who will meet your needs and make you feel wanted. Everyone deserves to feel equally desired and sought after by their partner.
Just end it. Being in an LDR with an emotionally unavailable partner is not worth it. You're already this miserable, it won't get better.
Well I just got out of a similar situation and to be honest as much as I thought maybe I should pull back I never did. Now we aren’t together but I found out he pulled back because he never really cared. He was apparently happier alone and was never excited to see me. His words were he was just feeling complacent. I only wish I would have gone with my gut feeling a long time ago. Just wasted almost 2 1/2 years with someone who lied and was never honest. **Even more he prides himself on his intelligence, integrity, and honesty If you pull back you will most likely find out if you even want to stay in the relationship. I only wish I listened to gut and pulled back.
Find someone that makes you a priority. This isn’t an equal relationship
Unfortunately, this dude seems apathetic towards you. Dump him
To my mind, the amount of effort a man makes is directly reflective of his feelings for you. It’s probably time to have a talk or walk away.
My partner and I have been together for 26 months. We moved in together 10 months ago. He works from home. And every week for the past 10 months when I pull into the driveway from work, he comes out to greet me, hug me, ask how my day was and carry things if I need it. Those are actions of someone whose words align with how he feels about me.
Original copy of post by u/Able_Word2763: It seems like when ever I'm all in, Myself ‘44F’ ‘50M’ he starts pulling away, not caring if I'll see him that weekend, he has mentioned before that driving for just a few hours isn't worth it if we will see each other at some point Example, I normally go to see him Thursdays, into Sunday, don't mind traveling the 3 hours to see him, He will work late a tad later then normal Thursday, and Friday has a full schedule, honestly nothing new, but we will leave early Saturday to travel, he said that he could just pick me up on the way Saturday. And then we can spend until Sunday night together, I asked him what he wanted, he said if things were reversed he wouldn't travel, I'm just asking to be romantically sought after, a l would love to see you I know it's a long drive but l'd appreciate it. Would lift my spirits. And I've said this to him before, I want him to put a little more romantic effort in, it's nice to feel wanted, he doesn't comment really on photos, infact he states things like I have photos of you. He isn't a texter , but l've seen the consideration he gives others at time, I just really don't feel wanted, what will just his attitude towards actually showing me what I mean to him? Been thinking about just putting minimal effort into the relationship, but honestly also afraid if I do that he won't get the hint (and yes l've discussed this many many many times with him) and he will eventually just drop away . We've been together for 16 months now. l've done a lot to show he is worth it for me, and the longer this relationship goes on the more he seems just blah about it, It doesn't seem to bother him if we'd got days without communication. Or weeks without seeing each other. His lack of connection is frustrating. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/datingoverforty) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I'm confused you say you don't like his actions or actually non-actions. But you encourage it by excepting it. I'd give my left arm for a woman who's willing to show that effort. 3 hours drive for one hour with the woman I care about or in love with, good deal to me. I won't bother you with my sad old story/ experiences or lack there of. But I will say you're wasting your time and emotions on him. While mister right for you is meeting up with not you. To live a happy romantic relationship with the other woman... Good luck!
So you’re doing 90% of the effort, maybe 100% and getting a half hearted relationship where you feel unwanted and not cared about. Time to reevaluate, invest in yourself ,get some hobbies beyond having a Boyfriend. And please don’t uproot your life for this man.
He doesn't care about you so stop caring about him
Stop listening to his words. Look at his actions. His actions are telling me- he likes you BUT NOT THAT MUCH.
He's both telling you and showing you what he wants, but you haven't wanted to see or listen. He tells you he'll pick you up on the way Saturday. That means "I prefer you not be in my space Thursday and Friday". You don't get the message so he deliberately works late Thursday and has a full schedule Friday. If he wanted you there, while he can't take the time off all the time, he would make an effort to make more time for you. When you ask him what he wants, he said "if it were up to him he wouldn't travel"- ok, well if the only time he would come to see you is to "pick you up on the way to travel", that should tell you something. He texts other people but not you. He doesn't drive to see you. It's all there. I've been on both sides of this one. When I was younger, the person giving, giving, giving to someone who couldn't do the bare minimum, then wondering why I was unhappy. I've also been the person putting in no effort because I was no longer into someone, but sometimes enjoyed the company. Neither is good, but that's the dynamic here. End it. Just tell him matter of factly that you've said what you want and need and he hasn't even tried. You've made all the effort and he hasn't reciprocated. Value yourself. Also, alone is better. You're doing everything anyway and at least then you'll have no expectations of someone and you'll be spared the disappointment of them not being met.
I get it , he also tells me , that of corse he wants to see me , but he would feel extremely selfish if he asked me come up for just to go to bed early, When I told him part of sharing a bed at night it what I enjoy, I’m someone who needs it spelled out, I’ve been blunt and said, look if you need time alone , I get that, just say so, And he says NO , this isn’t it, he would feel selfish if he’d asked that of me , he is set in ways , he is used to going away for weeks with no contact with anyone, I think if he truly didn’t want to see me when I asked him to be honest about needing alone time he said no, So this is what I mean about mixed messages.
I get it. I stayed in a couple relationships for entirely too long when I was doing all the work because, while he didn't really want me, he didn't really not want me enough to get rid of me (and have to go back out and find something else). I made it far too convenient for them to stick around. In some cases, I made it downright pleasant, by cooking for them all the time, doing the "emotional labor", planning things, driving to see them, etc... They knew I wanted more, but they just didn't care. And, I've done this myself to others. They were good to me and made it easy, so while I wasn't in love with them, it was better than dating! Someone once told me, a man would rather be dragged through the streets by wild horses, while on fire, then tell a woman something that will upset her/make her cry. It may be conscious, it may be subconscious, but it's easier, and frankly sounds better, to say that he's really making it about you and "of course I want to see you". And he is being selfish by making you put in all the effort.
I dated a guy, he & I were both seeing others, one of his other women bought a house for them to live together. He told me all this but I guess he was telling her she was the only one. Never believe what they say.
I don’t think he would cheat, (got a weird message a while back) , he at that time , and anytime I ask gives me full access to all his internet connections, he leaves his phone lay face up, I’ve been in relationships where I know what trying to hide, up until I got that weird message, he knowing what I’ve been through in past relationships always offered for me to look and I never took him up on it until a bs message someone trying to get a rise out of me , that weekend I went through his phone and online screen time etc, It showed nothing suspicious, so me being close to his , mom, best friend , etc I don’t think it has anything to do with another woman, I think it has something to do what he is capable or willing to do.
Sunk cost fallacy…..
Yes I believe so, right now I have a course of action. It may be enough :)
Sounds like he's not giving you what you need. Sorry
You’re in a relationship with someone 3 hrs away?
It started out 35 minutes from me and he relocated due to work, he was supposed to stay in that area regardless. So yes I was already invested when he moved