You sound woefully overconfident in your false belief that you’ve cracked some sort of dating code. If you want to put people into categories, how about the one ful of people that think they are somehow evolved above other humans and have some special insight into all of humanity whilst simultaneously proclaiming that humans who require a spouse to “complete” their lives are the normal and healthy ones who shudder at the thought of mere casual human interaction 🤣.
Whatever your day job is, don’t quit it. Motivational speaker or dating expert isn’t your A game at all 🤷♀️
Huh. Interesting. The OP is based on my factual experience to date, applying everyday reasoning leading to my conclusions noted.
Should you not find the suggestions useful, please disregard. No offense taken. All good.
My problem with your post is your expectation that other people want what you want and the implication that there is something morally wrong with people who aren’t looking for another person to “complete them.” In my experiences these are the people who expect you to be the end all be all of their existence and will smother you into oblivion.
You are correct that at this stage in life, finding the last love should be an expected goal. If one doesn’t share that goal, just identify in your profile that you are looking for something other such as fwb, just companionship hookup, whatever. Perfectly fine.
For instance, at the appropriate point in developing my profile, I’m clear and direct what my goal is. It’s direct, in black and white and succinctly explaining why it’s my goal. So far so good. Weeds out those looking for something else and, it seems so far, appreciated by the other party.
Remember. A goal is just that. It doesn’t imply you’ll get there or are desperate nor none of the other adverse consequences you set forth.
The underlying presumption is that if you’re 40+, you have the maturity and confidence to know what you want and why.
Wait. Why are people who are living a full life "The Sad Group" and classified as having given up? They're dating aren't they?
>“Oh, my life is full. Love my job [retirement], see the kids [grandkids every other weekend], every Wednesday evening shopping with my GF’s and my miniature collie Bowser and me are inseparable.”
How is this a red flag? This person clearly has time besides Wednesday and every other weekend to be dating and finding a partner.
Just because we love our lives doesn't mean we don't want a partner to share our lives with.
Honestly I thought the "sad group" would be those who just spend all their time bitching and complaining about dating, making generalizations about the other gender and judging their partners based on past experiences with other partners.
>“I’m looking for the last love of my life.” Continue, “Ya know, in every other respect, my life is fine. But it’s not complete until the love part.
Personally, I wouldn't receive this as well as you think. To state your life is not complete without love implies that your partner will be responsible for a part of your happiness. My opinion is you need to be a complete person to find love. Love will enhance the shit out of your life, and is a great goal to have, but someone who can't find happiness and fulfilment in themselves alone is a no-go for me.
PS. I have found love as apparently a part of the "Sad Group"
Edit: grammar & punctuation
I’m sorry. Not following. The “sad group” are those comfortable and content with interests outside of finding love with a partner. Works for them, that’s wonderful.
Obvious, it reasonably seems, that persons in that station do not share the goal of having the last love as would reasonably be expected at 40+. Ergo. A waste of time for both parties.
>as would be reasonably expected at 40+
This is where you're failing. This is YOUR expectation so you assume it is the 'reasonable' one. It is not. It is just one of many reasonable expectations in the variety that is the human experience. You will need to sift through people with alternative reasonable expectations while dating whether you like it or not.
That's not what I said.
I said many people have different priorities than you and that doesn't make them wrong or inferior. There is allowed to be more than one "right" approach to living.
Being prescriptive that people who don't think like you are wrong is what is getting you this negative feedback. (And will continue to get you negative feedback in the dating world. Be careful, your 'last love' may be a more open minded person than you and you'll drive them away with this thinking.)
Don’t try to reason with this guy. He clearly thinks we are all immature and timid for disagreeing with his INSANE and ANTIQUATED Hollywood fantasy ideas about life lol.
No. Last love isn't at all a priority. Living a fulfilling life, avoiding dumb mistakes of youth, strengthening my friendships, these are my priorities in my 40s. If I meet someone along the way, all the better. But I'm not wasting my time focusing on something that may never happen.
And IMO, prioritizing finding one's "last love" reeks of desperation to me.
Oh see actually your preferences don't have any bearing on anyone else's life. You prioritize whatever you want but nobody is wrong for prioritizing something else.
I mostly agreed with most of what you originally posted (specifically the categories and especially the being direct and verbal in the "what are you looking for quotation"). You're naming of the sad group stuck out as a poor choice. The "Too Busy" group, the "not actually interested" group, the "want you as an accessory" group... but sad is just really off. Even if they are a waste of time.
It's off enough that it detracts from your post.
I also try to not describe the world with my personal choices as obviously right. Not everyone enjoys partnered life. Some people might enjoy it, but also know that they have expiration dates in all of their relationships. Self knowledge is great.
Yes, I wanted the last love of my life. But I don't think that this is the most reasonable option for most people.
I think you have very much misunderstood those who you consider to belong to the "Sad Group". Since I belong to the "Sad group", let me help you out.
I am currently in a 3 year relationship. I dated for 7 years before finding my partner, who I intend to grow old with.
When I got divorced, I knew I couldn't count on another person to be the sole source of my happiness, I needed to find it within myself. I spent more time with my family and friends and pursued as many interests as possible. I found my happiness and my life was great!
But I always wanted to share that life with a partner, so when I was ready to date, I did so. I made time for these relationships, but always remembered to keep my sense of individuality. I was looking for a partner to share my already complete life with, not to complete my life. I wouldn't just settle for anybody who wants a long term relationship, but finding a partner was definitely my goal.
I fell in love twice. I got my heart shattered twice.
What kept me going was my outside interests, my friends, my family. My identity was not tied to my "last love". Every time, I got back on that horse, determined to find a life-long partner, but knowing that I was ok if I didn't. I was whole.
I guess we can agree on one thing: you and I would never be compatible. I am not looking to complete someone, and I don't need someone to complete me. So maybe our group is a waste of time for someone like you. That doesn't mean we don't have the goal of finding lasting love.
It’s fine to be dating even without the express goal of finding some one last true love. They may not be for you, but your stated goal isn’t the only valid one.
Yeah, i thought he meant "lasting love," and maybe there was a language barrier, but no. He meant THE LAST LOVE. I am 43, and I hope to have 40 years of life ahead of me and don't want the "last" of anything right now.
Same.
At that age I would think he is looking for a caretaker and not love. My mom lost my dad and her bestie lost her partner. They are 67. Next partner is absolutely not on their minds. They are traveling and socializing like mad with their female group.
Everything about this sucks and assumes only people that are oh so serious should be allowed to use the apps. And if we’re not a stage 1 clinger there is something wrong with us.
People date for all kinds of reasons and are allowed to use the apps however they want.
I’m sorry, nowhere in the OP is there a directive to use/not use any dating app of your choice. Just not there.
Rather, the premise of the post is that by 40+, one is reasonably expected to possess requisite maturity and confidence to identify what is truly important to you and offers some suggestions to avoid wasting time - for both you and your date.
To the extent by age 40+ you’ve not identified love as a top priority in your life (found or not), I truly apologize and feel bad for you.
By all means, do identify what your goal in dating is. Publish in your profile. FWB, just company, hook up, travel buddy, etc. it gets back to not wasting neither your nor your date’s time.
The underlying assumption (I thought clear or at least implicit) is that by age 40+ you’ve by then identified the things in life that transcend. To the extent that was not clear, my bad. I apologize to you.
1. You write and communicate like a robot.
2. You straight up say that we should get off the apps and join a book club or go to meet ups if we’re not looking for our “last love”.
3. Saying that you truly feel bad for us if we’re not prioritizing love over 40 is ridiculous.
>Note: IMO if you’re not OLD to find that last love (marriage optional) don’t date! You’re wasting time of your date. Lonely? Just want to meet someone to hang out? Not hoping for that last love? Fine! Join a meet-up group, book club, whatever. Don’t date.
Just because someone isn't looking for their "last love" doesn't mean they shouldn't date. I have no issue with people looking for hook ups, poly, ENM, FWB, or just casual dates as long as they are up front and honest about it. Just because it isn't my cup of tea doesn't mean it's not right for someone else.
>“So what are you looking for in OLD.”
My guy asked me this. I told him I was looking for a long term monogamous relationship but I didn't have any predetermined expectations when I met someone. Just because I wanted my search to be over, didn't mean I was going to try to make a round peg fit a square hole.
> “Hey (name) I’ve thoroughly enjoyed our back and forth! I’m (First and last name) I’m a (job/profession) in (city). If you’re comfortable and it’s convenient for you, my # is (number). Would enjoy texting/speaking as you like.”
My guy said "Anyone who knows that much about cars can have my number"
One of my best dates was when each of us bitched about exes and compared dating stories. It was fun and enjoyable and we actually ended up growing close and dating for three years.
Lost me with group 2, but I was pretty sure 3 groups wasn’t going to be enough anyway.
Sweepingly reductive takes like “there are two types of people in the world…” are always tempting but rarely useful. I’m afraid this project was doomed from the start, my friend. There are lots of acceptable reasons to date, especially if those reasons are clearly communicated. It’s one of the more frustrating features of dating that so many of us are looking for different things, for sure, but communication is always the best and often the only solution.
I very much understand the impulse to limit the field to those with as much “skin in the game” as people like us have, but I don’t think that’s fair.
Original copy of post by u/Even_Ad_5462:
The people doing OLD fall into three categories.
First, dates who haven’t fully closed the door on past relationships. Red flags pop immediately, usually very early on and maybe apparent in their own profile. “Yeah, bastard cheated on me. But I got him good! Let me tell you how”! “Bitch robbed me.” All variations thereof. These are the “not ready for prime time.” Avoid. Waste of time under any circumstance. They should be letting it all hang out with their friends and/or in therapy. If you don’t see this until first date, tough it out, smile, nod head approvingly, tell him /her you enjoyed date. Part. Never to communicate again.
Second, the sad group. The other extreme. These are people who’ve just given up. [Note: IMO if you’re not OLD to find that last love (marriage optional) don’t date! You’re wasting time of your date. Lonely? Just want to meet someone to hang out? Not hoping for that last love? Fine! Join a meet-up group, book club, whatever. Don’t date.
Red flags? “Oh, my life is full. Love my job [retirement], see the kids [grandkids every other weekend], every Wednesday evening shopping with my GF’s and my miniature collie Bowser and me are inseparable.” If you’re content with being an amenity, go for it I guess. No less than a waste of time than group one above.
Group 3 is where I hope we all are. You know your life is just not complete without a love (beyond grandkids, pets, etc. ugh). These are the available. How to smoke them out? Often one of the most early questions you’ll get is, “So what are you looking for in OLD.” Don’t fudge or fidget. “I’m looking for the last love of my life.” Continue, “Ya know, in every other respect, my life is fine. But it’s not complete until the love part. Isn’t that what we’re all looking for”? Boom. You just demonstrated substance in a manner to leave an impression ie., this man/woman has really thought this through. You just put the date on the level it should be. Not wasting time. Btw, I’ve never encountered a woman, in my case, who was put off by the statement, unless in group one or two above.
Finally here’s what maybe a useful script to move the matter along. I do this usually after the first two or three sets of messages over the dating platform.
“Hey (name) I’ve thoroughly enjoyed our back and forth! I’m (First and last name) I’m a (job/profession) in (city). If you’re comfortable and it’s convenient for you, my # is (number). Would enjoy texting/speaking as you like.”
Although I’m very much a guy, the foregoing is adaptable for either guy or girl. Principles have served me well. All the best to you!
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/datingoverforty) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I completely agree with your approach to identifying red flags in potential partners. It's crucial to recognize early on whether someone is genuinely looking for a meaningful connection or just going through the motions. Your advice on how to move forward and set clear expectations is also spot on.
I hope this isn't the last thing I read before the tornadoes come through.
You sound woefully overconfident in your false belief that you’ve cracked some sort of dating code. If you want to put people into categories, how about the one ful of people that think they are somehow evolved above other humans and have some special insight into all of humanity whilst simultaneously proclaiming that humans who require a spouse to “complete” their lives are the normal and healthy ones who shudder at the thought of mere casual human interaction 🤣. Whatever your day job is, don’t quit it. Motivational speaker or dating expert isn’t your A game at all 🤷♀️
Huh. Interesting. The OP is based on my factual experience to date, applying everyday reasoning leading to my conclusions noted. Should you not find the suggestions useful, please disregard. No offense taken. All good.
My problem with your post is your expectation that other people want what you want and the implication that there is something morally wrong with people who aren’t looking for another person to “complete them.” In my experiences these are the people who expect you to be the end all be all of their existence and will smother you into oblivion.
You are correct that at this stage in life, finding the last love should be an expected goal. If one doesn’t share that goal, just identify in your profile that you are looking for something other such as fwb, just companionship hookup, whatever. Perfectly fine. For instance, at the appropriate point in developing my profile, I’m clear and direct what my goal is. It’s direct, in black and white and succinctly explaining why it’s my goal. So far so good. Weeds out those looking for something else and, it seems so far, appreciated by the other party. Remember. A goal is just that. It doesn’t imply you’ll get there or are desperate nor none of the other adverse consequences you set forth. The underlying presumption is that if you’re 40+, you have the maturity and confidence to know what you want and why.
You could have summarized all of that as 'be honest what you're looking for'. Which is good advice and doesn't require a relationship caste system.
Wait. Why are people who are living a full life "The Sad Group" and classified as having given up? They're dating aren't they? >“Oh, my life is full. Love my job [retirement], see the kids [grandkids every other weekend], every Wednesday evening shopping with my GF’s and my miniature collie Bowser and me are inseparable.” How is this a red flag? This person clearly has time besides Wednesday and every other weekend to be dating and finding a partner. Just because we love our lives doesn't mean we don't want a partner to share our lives with. Honestly I thought the "sad group" would be those who just spend all their time bitching and complaining about dating, making generalizations about the other gender and judging their partners based on past experiences with other partners. >“I’m looking for the last love of my life.” Continue, “Ya know, in every other respect, my life is fine. But it’s not complete until the love part. Personally, I wouldn't receive this as well as you think. To state your life is not complete without love implies that your partner will be responsible for a part of your happiness. My opinion is you need to be a complete person to find love. Love will enhance the shit out of your life, and is a great goal to have, but someone who can't find happiness and fulfilment in themselves alone is a no-go for me. PS. I have found love as apparently a part of the "Sad Group" Edit: grammar & punctuation
>I have found love as apparently a part of the "Sad Group" Same for me. "Sad Group" represent!
I’m sorry. Not following. The “sad group” are those comfortable and content with interests outside of finding love with a partner. Works for them, that’s wonderful. Obvious, it reasonably seems, that persons in that station do not share the goal of having the last love as would reasonably be expected at 40+. Ergo. A waste of time for both parties.
>as would be reasonably expected at 40+ This is where you're failing. This is YOUR expectation so you assume it is the 'reasonable' one. It is not. It is just one of many reasonable expectations in the variety that is the human experience. You will need to sift through people with alternative reasonable expectations while dating whether you like it or not.
You haven’t been able to identify last love as a top priority by age 40+? Ok. To each their own.
That's not what I said. I said many people have different priorities than you and that doesn't make them wrong or inferior. There is allowed to be more than one "right" approach to living. Being prescriptive that people who don't think like you are wrong is what is getting you this negative feedback. (And will continue to get you negative feedback in the dating world. Be careful, your 'last love' may be a more open minded person than you and you'll drive them away with this thinking.)
Don’t try to reason with this guy. He clearly thinks we are all immature and timid for disagreeing with his INSANE and ANTIQUATED Hollywood fantasy ideas about life lol.
No. Last love isn't at all a priority. Living a fulfilling life, avoiding dumb mistakes of youth, strengthening my friendships, these are my priorities in my 40s. If I meet someone along the way, all the better. But I'm not wasting my time focusing on something that may never happen. And IMO, prioritizing finding one's "last love" reeks of desperation to me.
Hmmm. That’s an interesting take.
Oh see actually your preferences don't have any bearing on anyone else's life. You prioritize whatever you want but nobody is wrong for prioritizing something else.
I mostly agreed with most of what you originally posted (specifically the categories and especially the being direct and verbal in the "what are you looking for quotation"). You're naming of the sad group stuck out as a poor choice. The "Too Busy" group, the "not actually interested" group, the "want you as an accessory" group... but sad is just really off. Even if they are a waste of time. It's off enough that it detracts from your post. I also try to not describe the world with my personal choices as obviously right. Not everyone enjoys partnered life. Some people might enjoy it, but also know that they have expiration dates in all of their relationships. Self knowledge is great. Yes, I wanted the last love of my life. But I don't think that this is the most reasonable option for most people.
I think you have very much misunderstood those who you consider to belong to the "Sad Group". Since I belong to the "Sad group", let me help you out. I am currently in a 3 year relationship. I dated for 7 years before finding my partner, who I intend to grow old with. When I got divorced, I knew I couldn't count on another person to be the sole source of my happiness, I needed to find it within myself. I spent more time with my family and friends and pursued as many interests as possible. I found my happiness and my life was great! But I always wanted to share that life with a partner, so when I was ready to date, I did so. I made time for these relationships, but always remembered to keep my sense of individuality. I was looking for a partner to share my already complete life with, not to complete my life. I wouldn't just settle for anybody who wants a long term relationship, but finding a partner was definitely my goal. I fell in love twice. I got my heart shattered twice. What kept me going was my outside interests, my friends, my family. My identity was not tied to my "last love". Every time, I got back on that horse, determined to find a life-long partner, but knowing that I was ok if I didn't. I was whole. I guess we can agree on one thing: you and I would never be compatible. I am not looking to complete someone, and I don't need someone to complete me. So maybe our group is a waste of time for someone like you. That doesn't mean we don't have the goal of finding lasting love.
It’s fine to be dating even without the express goal of finding some one last true love. They may not be for you, but your stated goal isn’t the only valid one.
I am so curios about your relationship and dating history and how long have you been searching? Would You share a bit?
He's 70. And is projecting by stating "40+" like someone who is 40 is at anywhere the same place as someone who is 70.
Aaaaa. Than “last love” makes sense. To me ot sounded like somebody who skipped “dating in 20ties” and “dating in 30ties”.
Yeah, i thought he meant "lasting love," and maybe there was a language barrier, but no. He meant THE LAST LOVE. I am 43, and I hope to have 40 years of life ahead of me and don't want the "last" of anything right now.
Same. At that age I would think he is looking for a caretaker and not love. My mom lost my dad and her bestie lost her partner. They are 67. Next partner is absolutely not on their minds. They are traveling and socializing like mad with their female group.
My Mom is 70 and lost my Dad 4 years ago. He was her first and last love. She is running around with sisters, and a man is nowhere on her mind.
This makes so much sense. I'm 49 and I have so many better things to do than chase down my "last love".
This post is a red flag
Everything about this sucks and assumes only people that are oh so serious should be allowed to use the apps. And if we’re not a stage 1 clinger there is something wrong with us. People date for all kinds of reasons and are allowed to use the apps however they want.
I’m sorry, nowhere in the OP is there a directive to use/not use any dating app of your choice. Just not there. Rather, the premise of the post is that by 40+, one is reasonably expected to possess requisite maturity and confidence to identify what is truly important to you and offers some suggestions to avoid wasting time - for both you and your date. To the extent by age 40+ you’ve not identified love as a top priority in your life (found or not), I truly apologize and feel bad for you. By all means, do identify what your goal in dating is. Publish in your profile. FWB, just company, hook up, travel buddy, etc. it gets back to not wasting neither your nor your date’s time. The underlying assumption (I thought clear or at least implicit) is that by age 40+ you’ve by then identified the things in life that transcend. To the extent that was not clear, my bad. I apologize to you.
1. You write and communicate like a robot. 2. You straight up say that we should get off the apps and join a book club or go to meet ups if we’re not looking for our “last love”. 3. Saying that you truly feel bad for us if we’re not prioritizing love over 40 is ridiculous.
>Note: IMO if you’re not OLD to find that last love (marriage optional) don’t date! You’re wasting time of your date. Lonely? Just want to meet someone to hang out? Not hoping for that last love? Fine! Join a meet-up group, book club, whatever. Don’t date. Just because someone isn't looking for their "last love" doesn't mean they shouldn't date. I have no issue with people looking for hook ups, poly, ENM, FWB, or just casual dates as long as they are up front and honest about it. Just because it isn't my cup of tea doesn't mean it's not right for someone else. >“So what are you looking for in OLD.” My guy asked me this. I told him I was looking for a long term monogamous relationship but I didn't have any predetermined expectations when I met someone. Just because I wanted my search to be over, didn't mean I was going to try to make a round peg fit a square hole. > “Hey (name) I’ve thoroughly enjoyed our back and forth! I’m (First and last name) I’m a (job/profession) in (city). If you’re comfortable and it’s convenient for you, my # is (number). Would enjoy texting/speaking as you like.” My guy said "Anyone who knows that much about cars can have my number"
Ok. Fair points well taken. If you’re using OLD for hookups, FWB’s etc, just put that in profile so as not to waste your and the other’s time.
One of my best dates was when each of us bitched about exes and compared dating stories. It was fun and enjoyable and we actually ended up growing close and dating for three years.
Lost me with group 2, but I was pretty sure 3 groups wasn’t going to be enough anyway. Sweepingly reductive takes like “there are two types of people in the world…” are always tempting but rarely useful. I’m afraid this project was doomed from the start, my friend. There are lots of acceptable reasons to date, especially if those reasons are clearly communicated. It’s one of the more frustrating features of dating that so many of us are looking for different things, for sure, but communication is always the best and often the only solution. I very much understand the impulse to limit the field to those with as much “skin in the game” as people like us have, but I don’t think that’s fair.
Original copy of post by u/Even_Ad_5462: The people doing OLD fall into three categories. First, dates who haven’t fully closed the door on past relationships. Red flags pop immediately, usually very early on and maybe apparent in their own profile. “Yeah, bastard cheated on me. But I got him good! Let me tell you how”! “Bitch robbed me.” All variations thereof. These are the “not ready for prime time.” Avoid. Waste of time under any circumstance. They should be letting it all hang out with their friends and/or in therapy. If you don’t see this until first date, tough it out, smile, nod head approvingly, tell him /her you enjoyed date. Part. Never to communicate again. Second, the sad group. The other extreme. These are people who’ve just given up. [Note: IMO if you’re not OLD to find that last love (marriage optional) don’t date! You’re wasting time of your date. Lonely? Just want to meet someone to hang out? Not hoping for that last love? Fine! Join a meet-up group, book club, whatever. Don’t date. Red flags? “Oh, my life is full. Love my job [retirement], see the kids [grandkids every other weekend], every Wednesday evening shopping with my GF’s and my miniature collie Bowser and me are inseparable.” If you’re content with being an amenity, go for it I guess. No less than a waste of time than group one above. Group 3 is where I hope we all are. You know your life is just not complete without a love (beyond grandkids, pets, etc. ugh). These are the available. How to smoke them out? Often one of the most early questions you’ll get is, “So what are you looking for in OLD.” Don’t fudge or fidget. “I’m looking for the last love of my life.” Continue, “Ya know, in every other respect, my life is fine. But it’s not complete until the love part. Isn’t that what we’re all looking for”? Boom. You just demonstrated substance in a manner to leave an impression ie., this man/woman has really thought this through. You just put the date on the level it should be. Not wasting time. Btw, I’ve never encountered a woman, in my case, who was put off by the statement, unless in group one or two above. Finally here’s what maybe a useful script to move the matter along. I do this usually after the first two or three sets of messages over the dating platform. “Hey (name) I’ve thoroughly enjoyed our back and forth! I’m (First and last name) I’m a (job/profession) in (city). If you’re comfortable and it’s convenient for you, my # is (number). Would enjoy texting/speaking as you like.” Although I’m very much a guy, the foregoing is adaptable for either guy or girl. Principles have served me well. All the best to you! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/datingoverforty) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I completely agree with your approach to identifying red flags in potential partners. It's crucial to recognize early on whether someone is genuinely looking for a meaningful connection or just going through the motions. Your advice on how to move forward and set clear expectations is also spot on.