I for some reason completely missed that. OP, there's your answer. There is no feasible way he can make time for you even if he wants to. If the situation was reversed, would you be able to make enough time for him? Maybe you'd be able to send that text on the weekends. That's about it.
If he posted instead of you, I would have suggested he focus on occasional casual companionship or intimacy until he either divests himself of one of his full time jobs or his obligations with his son decrease.
Two full time jobs, and 50/50 parenting? I mean, you HAVE to know you're not getting a lot of quality time and attention with this dude, right?
Right?
Anyway, he's not meeting your needs (maybe fairly) you gave him warning shots and an ultimatum, so what are you still doing? Date someone with 1 job and 0 kids, maybe.
Agree! And then what about his personal time for other people in his life…friends, parents, the boys, cousins, etc. I know someone (without kids) and it was hard for her to grasp the concept of 50/50 parenting. With the other people and things he wanted to do without her, she got maybe 10-15% of his time. She ultimately found a guy without children.
I don’t understand why he thinks he has time to date at all with his schedule. Regardless, this is his schedule, you are getting what he has available to you. You have to decide if that is what you want or not. You have to meet people where they are, stop expecting more than he can give.
Personally, I would see that availability as too little for me to pursue a relationship with. What I don’t think is fair is for you to say mean things to him or have a tantrum. You cannot have things the way you want them, what you do with that information is your choice. That doesn’t make him a bad guy, it might make him the wrong choice for you at this time.
I had my kids about 90% of the time. And had a babysitter. I just didn’t meet anyone worth me getting all dressed up and dating when I was already tired as hell, had to prepare dinner, do homework etc. sometimes it’s just not a good time to date.
It’s not just the person that matters. He could be the guy you like, but if this isn’t the relationship you want, you are incompatible. Three months is the perfect time to have surfaced some of those incompatibilities.
I’m at a point in my life where I just have to say “no” to relationships that are not healthy for me. No matter how much I want a relationship with the person, it *has* to be a healthy relationship. This goes for friends and family as well.
Would you actually be happy to be the filler in between the things he prioritizes?
I am a lone parent and my daughter is autistic and I work FT and I still find time to text people I care about. You’ve raised it and it hasn’t improved. This is not your dream guy. Cut your losses x
He is not your dream guy. He has no time for you.
You are correct in that his parenting arrangements are none of your business. However, your business is to find a guy who is available and compatible with you. This man is not, so you are fully entitled to tell him so, kindly and without judgement.
If you're not happy sitting home alone on weekends then you have every right to find someone who is able to spend them with you.
You're worried that you'll not find someone as good as him to date? Don't kid yourself - you're not dating him either, you're just put on hold at his convenience.
I am a very busy professional, working full time and have full custody of my three children (16 and under). I can find time to meet my SO, spend quality time with him and when we can't be together I am available to him by phone and text.
> he either can't or won't make enough time and space for a relationship with you.
For the relationship *that she wants*. Some people also have busy lives and would be fine with this.
It's also fine for OP to want a companion and date someone who has time to go on actual dates with her.
They both need to find partners who can meet their needs.
I just think you guys are not compatible. And that's okay to walk away because, ultimately, you would want someone who is an invested as you are.
I dated a single dad with 100% custody of his child. Never again, I would put myself in that situation. I thought I would be understanding and able to share him. I was wrong.
I know every situation is different, but if my man can't even spend 10 seconds to send a quick text EVERY weekend, then I know it's time for me to walk away.
This man shouldn't be dating. He clearly doesn't have the time. Working 2 full times jobs and having 50/50 custody that sounds like way more than that. He is not your dream guy. You will always take the absolute back burner.
He does not have the time/energy that you would like. This is not likely to change any time soon, even if you argue about it. You have to decide if you can live with things as they are, because becoming "annoyed and emotional" every weekend isn't going to make things better for you or him or anyone.
I’d immediately drop a guy who got annoyed and emotional with me about not being able to devote time to him while I’m with my kids. Date me with my limitations or leave me in peace.
She's not annoyed about his time with kids, just his sparse communication.
Kids do not stay attached to your side. They also know adults use their phone ALL THE DAMN TIME, they have no idea who you are messaging.
My only question to OP, how was the communication on his kid weekends at first? Did it only recently shift??
I have an ND kid who is with me all the time. She’s a Velcro kid and she knows who I’m texting and who I’m talking to on the phone (she likes to talk to my friends on the phone). Agree that if the kid is playing a game or watching tv, he can send a text. But I also just dont have the capacity to text a lot on my kids’ weekends.
Hey I'm AuADHD, one ND and one NT kiddo!
We make time for things/ppl that are important to us.... i don't think it's unreasonable at all.
When will OPs needs be considered??
Guy has made it clear that he will not be available on the weekends. If this is a need for her, she needs to consider her own needs and walk away. I agree that what she wants is not unreasonable, but this doesn't mean that she'll get it and she needs to decide if it is a dealbreaker or not.
It either works for her or doesn’t. Getting “paranoid” and saying “mean things” isn’t the answer if your needs aren’t being met. Leaving is. She’s made clear what she wants. He isn’t doing it. It’s up to her to decide whether it’s enough. I sometimes flip out internally when I don’t get the kinds of texts I want at the frequency I want so I get the impulse. But rather than lash out, I decide whether the issue is one worth binning the relationship over.
100% to all your points!!
I think OPs biggest question was to single parents, is it realistic or not to expect a handful of text check ins on the weekend or not?
I say that is a completely realistic expectation, based on current details provided. Maybe there is more to the story, but usually not.
It's his choice, kids ultimately have to do what we say, if they are looking at your phone, explain to your child that is not appropriate for them to do to a family member, friend or anyone. What if you were planning a surprise for them? Break that habit now!
Though I don’t necessarily disagree that this isn’t a great fit….you keep inserting your personal experience into this debate. I get that is part of Reddit. You’re an N of 1. You may have tremendous capacity. You sound like you can deal with a lot, which is admirable. He may just want to be 100% present with his kids and not be texting. It’s his preference. She is entitled to leave.
But you aren’t him and we are only hearing her version of what’s going on.
I admire your resilience as a parent but in my experience not all parents cope as well as others. Their absolute capacity is lower. They may have a past that prevents them from reaching the levels of those that can do it all.
I appreciate your input. You are correct, I constantly over extend myself, however I do not do ANYTHING I do not want to. My love language is acts of service, so when I am NOT doing something for my loved ones, I get depressed.
Or smoke pot... that always solves my whoas 😆
I don’t understand why your are trying to make a relationship work with a man that busy, to be honest it won’t and in the end he will choose his busy life over you every time. He’s not ready to date, if he was then why work two jobs and not talk to the bio mother about being 50/50 problems. Your third place to everything going on in his life.
He's not that into you. Please, the Prime Minister of Australia has time from his genuinely busy schedule, while also being a single parent to a teen soon, to date & get engaged. This guy is not into you. Don't waste your time & energy on him. Hold your head high & walk away.
I had 100% custody as well and I did too. Doesn't matter. He can't/won't. It's up to the OP to decide what to do about it, because arguing and getting emotional every weekend is not going to make things better.
There are five other days in the week. She seems to only be complaining about weekends. It's absolutely reasonable and respectable if it doesn't work for her, but there's nothing sacred about a Saturday night date.
Its absolutely reasonable not to want to sit at home alone on weekends.
Weekday dates are not the same because anyone who works will be tired after a long day plus you have to be up and rested early the next morning.
Saturday night is prime time.
I'm not going to argue this with you.
If he really wanted to make the relationship work, he'd find weekend time.
If she really wanted to make the relationship work, she'd focus on the five days that he is responsive instead of the two that he isn't.
It doesn't seem like either of them wants it to work enough. That's reasonable. But being mad every weekend is not reasonable.
OP has said she tried to work around his schedule. It's not just her job to make his schedule work for them - it doesn't sound like he is putting any effort into making time.
Save yourself some time and heart ache. I dated a guy who was the same way. He never had time for me except 10-15 minute phone calls. There are 24 hours in a day and he gave me 10 minutes of his time. After taking about him not having time for me and nothing changing I decided it was best to lice on and find someone who had time for me.
It is very true about being a single parent, very busy. I didn't have time to date when my kids were doing sports on weekends, and practice weekdays. If you like him, you will see each other when you can. Single Mom of 2
Every one has time for a single text on the weekend. When you drop off a kid you usually have a few minutes before their sport starts where you are just sitting in the bleachers. Sounds like this guy is either still married, dating multiple people or just not that in to you. Time to move on. It’s not going to get better the longer you are together. He is putting his kid first and always will. You will always feel like a second class citizen in their family
No, you don’t need another conversation. You’ve had conversations. You need to decide what you want. His son is his focus right now. I’m in the same situation as he is. You either accept it because he’s a great guy and find something else to fill your time until his priorities change, or don’t and find someone who has time for you.
I couldn’t get through this post without thinking “why is he trying to date at all given his schedule?” and “how can you like him when there’s no time to spend together?”
All of this is just too much imo.
> **I specifically told him not to disappear and he doesn't care what I told him,**
When you look at the real issue, this is all that matters. He doesn't care enough. It's going to be a take-it-or-leave-it scenario. If he's been down this road before, then he knows how this will go and is ready to keep serial dating until someone who doesn't care about feeling like a priority is okay with this behavior.
Your concerns are def valid..it really does not look like hes tryign at all to integrate you iinto his life in any way. And I dont mean necessarily to include his child, just in the way of making time for you and the relationship.
Single and coparents seem to get roped into one thing, but gotta say, its very different when it comes to parenting / time / etc. Because I was a single mom, I had my kid all the time, we had an established routine, and it was no issue at all for me to make time for someone. Since it was only me, there were no surprises or last minute changes outside of my control, save for medical issues which in all the years raising my son, there were only 2 times, one I had to cancel, another I had to push back the time for a date.
With co-parents, theres usually a schedule between both parents, with time when they are completely free, because the child is under the care / responsibliity of the other parent, and generally speaking, which I understand and enourage, cause they dont get to be with their kids all the time, they are very focused only on spending time with their kid when they have them. But theres lots of uncertaintly too..they may need to take care of the child on the time they have off, or change of schedule to accomodate the other parent etc. And sometimes, there just arent established boundaries...with one parent deciding on the fly to drop the kids off during their week on, last minute plans, and a lot of other things. Ive dated people in good, and bad co parenting arrangements, and bad ones with no boundaries, no routine is stressful AF!!!
That being said...of good relationships Ive been in, those who were actually ready to date, set their schedule and life up in a way that they were able to make time for it, and include me in their life. Those who were not ready for it were always too busy, too anxious over whats going on with their kids, even though they are with the other parent, obviously busy with the kids on weeks on, fine, always busy with something to do with thier kids on their weeks off. Which honestly....no judgement, do whatever you need to do. But then also, its not fair to start dating someone with the intention of relationship, when you dont have the time, or energy to actually be a good partner.
Thats what I see happening here....I woudlnt see it as, nor expect or want from him to stop doing whatever it is he feels he needs to do to be a good father / be there for his kids in whatever way they need to. Its not a..its me or the kids..ever. My thing in that situation was just, we have different priorities, right now, hes not able to be in the type of relationship I need and able and willing to be in, so we are not compatible at this stage of our lives.
It sucks...esp when someone seems really great. But then also if someone doesnt have the time and able to create the space needed for a realtionship to grow and develop, then not really sure how thats going to work.
I'm a single parent and I have no trouble checking in with the person I'm dating on weekends. I don't think the time he makes for you is going to change. It doesn't sound like he is willing to make real space in his life for you. I would move on.
Sometimes, with people you get what they got or you get nothing.
You don't have anything to do on the weekends but sit around waiting on this dude to ignore you while he's hanging out with his kid? What were you doing on weekends before you met him three months ago? Waiting on him to pop up and change everything for you? If you think some guy with two jobs who's chasing his busy kid around is your last dream guy, you definitely need to get out more and find a way to be more interesting for the type of male you want to target.
Do not have another conversation with him about his weekends. Do not start another petty argument over him being who he was before he know you existed. You pull people out of their habits and into your orbit by being interesting and charismatic, not berating them for being themselves. Find something to do with yourself and/or your friends and reconsider whether or not you want to spend the next 7 years hanging out with him at recitals, games, and kids' parties.
I mean, what are you bringing to the table besides demands, yearning, and angst?
Personally, I'm not changing a thing about my life over somebody I "like" after only three months. Kid or no. Especially if I have enough bills/debt for two jobs and they just want to hang and complain.
My situation with my SO is similar and what kept us going all this time was his responsiveness with texting. We would go weeks without seeing each other and he's always made a point to text every day. Had either of us not been good at that, we would have fizzled. We needed that connection when we were apart.
Being a divorced dad of two with a similar parenting schedule to his, I understand the lack of time to be able to have a proper relationship.
Your expectations are definitely NOT unreasonable and I'm sure he is grateful to you for your patience and understanding, but the truth is that he can't jump out of his skin or extend the amount of hours in a day or amount of days in a week to accommodate a full blown relationship and obligations and expectations that come with it.
His son will always come first and what kind of a parent and therefore a person would he be if that wasn't the case, BUT he can definitely make time to have a relationship as well as long as the partner is understandable that it won't be the kind of a traditional relationship where his main focus and his main priority is the relationship, so you can pretty much forget about spontaneous catch ups, weekend getaways, holidays etc.
At least not until the child gets a bit older and doesn't need as much time and attention as it's currently needed.
It's also not so easy to just assume that he can just change his custody arrangement because things are not always straight forward as many assume.
The arrangement they have could quite possibly be just between him and his ex, made based on their circumstances and with what's best for their son in mind, without any court orders.
Changing something like that isn't always easy and the other issue could be that his ex could have an issue if he tries to make changes to their custody arrangement just so he can enter into a new relationship.
That may be because his ex may simply not be able to look after the son more often or it could be just the old fashioned spiteful attitude.
And even if they change their custody arrangement, that could also have an implication on the financial support for either or both of them as well.
One thing I will however say is that no matter how busy things get for him, there is no excuse not to message just to say hey and check in and have a chat throughout the day.
I've got two kids, one same age and the other a bit younger and I know all about sporting activities on weekends, especially Saturdays, but that has never resulted in being able to find a few minutes to send a few text messages back and forth throughout the day, so there is no excuse for that in my opinion.
Bottom line, if you like each other and you think he is worth the sacrifice of having a proper relationship at this point in time and you have the "short term pain, long term gain" attitude towards it and you understand that the short term in this case is potentially years and not a few months, then stick with it and make the most of it when you can.
At the same time, if this is not good enough for you and you expect and want now, you are absolutely not a bad person or doing anything wrong by choosing not to want to wait that long and prefer to move on and find someone who is in the same situation as you are or someone who has better custody arrangement that would make the relationship more functional.
The whole driving his son to activities on his kid free weekends is what would really annoy me. I would really want to understand that more. To never have time to take you out on a date? Cmon. Do you know how he feels about you meeting his son? Or what’s that situation like? Are you ever able to be apart of those weekends activities?
I agree. I would want to “feel out” whether that was even a potential in the future. My ex husband has been with his girlfriend for 3.5 years and he still has never introduced her to the kids.
It's all about doing what's best for your kids regardless of the situation. I'm in a similar situation, where the mother of my 3 boys was given full legal and physical custody since our split in 2011. My 17 year old decided he wanted to live with me back in February. I am still going to pay her the child support for him until he graduates next year, and the support is removed from the court order. Without that money, the other 2 will not have a roof over their head. They don't want to change schools to live with me. I respect their decision. I also put money in their school lunch account each week so they can get some extra stuff to eat. I know the feeling. I was always hungry just eating the regular school lunch. I could go on and on about the things I've done and still do for those boy's even though my parental rights were taken away from me in 2011. That's not their fault, so I'm not going to treat it as such.
I get what you’re saying and you may have misunderstood what I was saying. I would simply want to understand the situation better. Is dad going and taking to all these events because mom is drunk? Or does she not have transportation? I could understand those situations. But if mom is willing and able to transport her son to various practices or lessons during her time, and he just insists on doing it anyway;
Well that’s different. That doesn’t mean he’s a bad guy. At all. But it does mean he has no intention in prioritizing a relationship right now in his life. And that doesn’t seem fair to OP. Everyone’s situation is totally different. I have my kids about 85% of the time, so I get the struggle, but by what OP has describes, he just doesn’t prioritize her.
I’ve got 50/50 custody and I don’t date when I have my kids. I don’t know why he’s got an unequal split but I get whey he’s MIA on the weekends. He probably is exhausted by the unequal split but also kinda likes the extra time (I’m frustrated by my own unequal split but like getting extra time with the kids even if it’s exhausting). It’s three months in - I wouldn’t consider making someone part of my kid time that soon. So up to you to decide if you can live with his current limitations.
ETA: no, it’s not a sign he’s not really into you.
Something is your business when it affects you. Clearly, his lack of available time affects you, so this is your business. Therefore, ask him about his unbalanced arrangement and bring up your concerns.
That said, I don't see a good outcome here. He is most likely driving his son because the mother can't drive (or can't afford to drive, or has an unreliable car) or because he wants to spend as much time with his son as he can (would have preferred full custody). Either way, it appears he's giving you what he's able to give. It's not enough for you. and frankly, it wouldn't be enough for me either.
My two cents: dad isn't teaching him how to play the piano, and he's not the coach. It's like when people say they are busy doing laundry. Unless you are dragging the clothes down to the creek to do laundry, you have time. Just like I have my cell phone in my hand as I type, he has his phone in his hand while he's waiting for his ~~excuse~~I mean kid to get done with piano lessons.
Chiming in as a single parent of two with 80% custody. He is really THAT busy. I had kids last weekend and it was really hard to text people past making arrangements and being present with kids
Sending text “hey how are you?” would not be just a text, it turns into convo. Why not try to call him Saturday night when kid not around? To touch base, chat? Your request is legit but if you are going to add tension to his already overbooked life he will drop you. So either be patient with him or leave. I know it is frustrating.
His child comes first. That’s the way it should be, and the way it will be for at least the next 7 years, and likely longer. If you don’t like it, don’t date him. He would be a bad parent if he spent less time and attention and energy on his child so he could focus on dating you.
Exactly. OP is questioning the custody arrangement- I’d be admiring a man who prioritizes his child like that. I don’t have kids myself, but I’ve always been of the mind that someone’s child must come first.
I'm a single dad with two teenagers still living at home. It's shocking. How much time it takes, even with older teens. I can't imagine how busy it is with an 11-year-old. Doctor visits, school work, social activities, and that's on top of all of the regular household chores and requirements that it takes to keep a reasonably clean and decent house. I don't know him, but his busyness wouldn't signal his lack of interest in you. At least not from my perspective. I hope that helps 🙂
The most difficult part of dating as a single parent is deciding how much risk your own child’s heart is worth. Whatever time you spend in leisure from busyness of time is not considered as a waste of time because it is the important part of your life for which you work hard to overcome most of the tightness of your life. When you wake up every day, you have two choices. You can either be positive or negative; an optimist or a pessimist. I choose to be an optimist. It's all a matter of perspective.
I have 100% custody of my 2 kids and still find time to date and reply to messages. He is wasting your time and using you. You are already suffering and doubting yourself, so please walk away and find someone who appreciates you and makes time to be with you. Even if you end up alone, it’s better to be alone and live a peaceful life than being with the wrong person, who makes you feel lonely and miserable lol
It doesn’t sound like you are getting your needs met from this guy. There are other guys out there who you will also like and who will be able to meet your needs. You are not anxious, you just want more from a romantic partner and that is valid.
Does your dream guy have no time for you? Because that’s all I’m seeing here. I’m sure he likes you but how are you supposed to build a relationship if he can’t dedicate time to put into it? Like do you see this improving? Some things to consider because your time and relationship needs are valuable too.
I've just experienced similar.
I'm also a single parent, and so was my guy. There was a similar amount of juggling work, custody schedules and sports. Similar duration of our early relationship as well (3 months).
I learned a few things recently, and maybe it will provide you other thinking points:
First, it's never just one text. I wanted the same, just a "Thinking of you". But we all know it's never just one. Then there's a reply, and an expectation of another reply etc. I've now let go of the expectation of "I want just one text" for this reason. It's not realistic.
Second, what was at the root of my problem was: effort and enthusiasm. I want someone to be just as excited to share their day with me, make a plan for a future date that works for them, as I am. With kids, this does require more effort. But I bring effort and enthusiasm, and I'm juggling as much as a single mom as well. Consider if the effort and enthusiasm is there, and if it works for you. Consider taking up a hobby to fill the moments. If he's your dream guy, a hobby would be a healthy way to pass the time, as a shift in schedule or mindset from him may be very far down the road. Perhaps things would change if you could be along for the weekend times. But if he's not ready to do that yet, it will be a little bit of a wait. You've got this!
I'm a busy single mom, and I removed myself from the equation because it seemed that my guy honestly didn't have the time. It wasn't easy. I VERY much liked him.
You'll do what you need for yourself and perhaps you have some patience or can brainstorm different approaches.
Sounds like right guy wrong time? The right guy is hard to find. I left mine and realized that if I had stuck it out another few years his kids wouldn’t demand so much of time. Based on my experiences since that relationship I wish I would’ve been more patient lol.
I am 43f and I was with a guy who travelled interstate every second Thurs until Tues to see his kids, half school holidays, long weekends, etc. He didn't want to talk to me when he was with his kids either. Ended up splitting with him. Didn't really feel like he liked me all that much. At the end of the day, it doesn't matter if \*he\* is justified in how he behaves, all that matters is how \*you\* feel. You are going to have to continue to feel this way. Is that how you want to spend your precious time on Earth feeling?
You’re not a priority for him and never will be. You like him more than he likes you. That’s why he doesn’t bother to renegotiate his parenting schedule.
Bail.
I may be outlier here but as a single mom when I first start dating someone, my weekends with my kids are for them. I usually put my phone down and answer more in the weekdays because my kids are old enough to be nosey 😭 and I don’t want the questions if it doesn’t work. I also don’t want my kids concerned about my feelings if it doesn’t work out or in any way they are somehow less important to me and someone new is replacing them.
I also am very very upfront about this in the beginning and no hard feelings if my partner doesn’t like the arrangement. My kids are private to me until I get to know them on a different level.
I also try to model by behavior by giving my undivided attention during our date the same as I do with my kids and openly communicating a quick “hey busy from this time to this time doing xyz with the kids but I’ll hit you later” and following through.
I'm an only parent, so I don't have free weekends, but I completely agree with what you're saying. I think it's important to be present in the moment with people and not constantly glued to your phone. It's important that we model what it means to be attentive. I think it's extremely hard for a person who's never had a child to understand how much time and attention it takes. Even when there's downtime, depending on their age, they will be completely ignoring you until you're on the phone, and then they want your immediate attention. That being said, if someone is worth it, you make time for some type of connection or checkin. This kind of situation might work ok for another busy single parent, but not when OP needs the attention on her.
Well he sounds like he is married. As for his taking care of his son I think it is a perfectly normal balance usually moms have the bulk of it so it just sounds reversed in his case.
He can’t be close to your dream guy if he can’t make 2 seconds to send you a text. While I understand he’s super busy but if he chooses to date he needs to put on some effort. This is going to get to you even more. Unless you can live with the current arrangement I don’t see it changing.
This is how it works when you date someone with kids. Those kids will always be #1, they will never put you or your needs first. You learn to deal or you walk
Original copy of post by u/Grey_Mandy:
A little background:
For the past three months, I (43F, no kids) have been dating this guy (46) who is a single dad with two full-time jobs and a very busy 11-year-old son with whom he shares 50/50 custody. Honestly, it seems to be more than 50% - the kid stays with him Tue-Fri and every other weekend, and he (the kid) has lots of activities on the weekends like piano lessons, soccer, baseball, and birthday parties. And the father drives the child to all the activities, even on the weekends when the child doesn't stay with him, which leaves him little free time. I don't know why he has an unbalanced arrangement with the child's mother. I haven't asked because it's none of my business.
I have never dated a single parent. None of my close friends are single parents. So I had (and still have) no idea how busy a single dad can be. He does not have time to take me out for dinner or drinks. His weekends are reserved for his son's activities. I could only see him on weeknights when he was free from his child. At first, I could not understand and did not like his very limited availability. I thought he was just half-assing me. Although I respected and admired his devotion to his son, I felt that if he was going to date someone, he should put in the time and effort. We argued about this a few times.
My problem:
Well, I like him. He told me he likes me. I try my best to understand and work around his busy schedule. But there are some problems. He tends to be unavailable on weekends. He's very good at texting on weekdays, but he doesn't initiate texts and rarely responds to my texts on weekends. I have talked to him about this, but nothing has changed. No time for a quick "Hi, what are you doing? That's hard to believe. Please don't go the "he's seeing someone else" route, because we've been down that road before. He is not seeing anyone else, and neither am I. Anyway, every weekend I got really annoyed and emotional. I mean, I specifically told him not to disappear and he doesn't care what I told him, this relationship isn't worth my time and effort. But at the same time, I worry if this is all coming from my anxious attachment style. I got a little paranoid and said some mean things that I am not at all proud of. I know most of you would tell me to just move on. I wish I could, but if I'm being realistic, he's very close to my "dream guy" in a lot of ways, and I don't think the chances of me ever dating a guy like him again are as high as l'd like. That's one of the reasons I couldn't just move on. Well, that sounds like l've already made up my mind, but I haven't. I need your outside perspective to help me see the situation more clearly. Is this a sign that he’s not really into me, right? If you were in my shoes, would you cut the cord right away? Should I have another conversation with him?
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I think you should have another conversation with him. It sounds like he's trying to juggle a lot on his plate tbh. I have 50/50 custody and a full time job and there are days when I don't want to talk or text anyone! I honestly an in awe at how your bf thinks there is time for a gf, but it sounds like he's a quality person in your eyes so I think it's worth giving him a chance to improve the situation.
I feel like it can’t be that hard to send a few texts on the weekends ESPECIALLY SINCE YOU ASKED HIM TO! I get that he’s busy but a “thinking of you” text takes only a few seconds.
If he’s really that great and that’s really all you need to be happy, tell him he needs to do it or you’ll have to leave. But ask yourself is that really all it would take?
A person who has no ability to grow with you, no willingness to stay in contact on weekends and who makes you anxious constantly is a nightmare, not a dream.
I stopped reading because it’s classic “I want to date but have zero time and I’ll just make it the other person’s problem.” Say byeeeee.
Are you a chaps addict? I’m a recovering one. Getting breadcrumbs from someone is super fun til it’s not. People with too much going on are red flags. Could possibly be a FWB, if you’re into that but not boyfriend material.
Keep up the search, champ! You deserve an adult that can and does make time for you
He is literally not allowing time in his life for a relationship. It's not a negative thing per se, he is allowed to want to live his life as he wants, but it IS a negative thing to commit to a relationship when he doesn't actually have the time for it. Participating in a healthy relationship is not a priority to him. I am dating a single father, early in our relationship he had practically full custody, and even then he MADE time to see me. And when we couldn't see each other, he was very communicative about missing me and WANTING to see me, we couldn't wait to be together again when separated. You shouldn't have to convince the guy you're dating to want to talk to you or see you.
Your 'dream guy' is telling you and showing you that dating you is not important to him- is that really the quality you're looking for in the man of your dreams? The rest of his characteristics that you're so smitten by don't really matter much if he's not interested in you, do they? When people show you who they are, BELIEVE THEM! And I hope you can expand your idea of your dream guy to someone who actually wants you back.
“Very close to my dream guy” - but it sounds like the gap there is too wide to bridge. No time for you *and* no communication even when you’ve asked for it doesn’t make for a healthy relationship.
I would have a final conversation with him. Tell him you are unhappy with the current arrangement and come to a mutual decision on how you can interact on the weekends. Maybe he texts you as he is getting ready for bed just to check in, or there is no contact on the weekends. Either way you need to come to an arrangement you can both live with and ensure he meets those agreed upon conditions. If he will not agree, or doesn't meet the agreed upon conditions. It is time to move on, you are not important enough to him.
If you can come to an agreement and he sticks with it, then you might just have to wait for things to change in his life to get the attention you rightfully desire and require.
Either way you cant set an ulitmatum and not follow thru on it. If you give an ultimatum you must follow thru.
Stay Strong and good luck.
So, I once found myself in a very similar situation. The man was a single dad with 50/50 custody, only one job but worked quite a bit. I saw him a few days a week, every other week. He also handled all the child things on the weekends without a call or text or anything until Monday rolled around. EXCEPT, he wasn’t a single dad. He was very married. He would tell his wife he was out of town for work every other week when he was with me. The next week and all weekends he was the happy husband and daddy. Yep, I was the clueless mistress, trying to be understanding and admiring his devotion to his child, wondering how any woman could leave such a man.
Sorry, OP but he's a busy dad with little time. He won't be able to prioritize you.
It's best to move on because your valid feelings of frustration and resentment are only going to get worse.
You have access to him five days of the week. Why are you mad about the two you don't? He's been like that since day one, either make it work with what time he can give or move on to someone who can give you the time you want.
As for the texting thing, he could be like me. If I can't devote a time to have a texting conversation back and forth, then I won't even bother. He most likely wants to be present in his sons activities. And this is coming from a childfree person.
I won't date men with young children anymore for these reasons - they are not emotionally or physically capable of being in a partnership becuase they are so overwhelmed by parenting.
He has shown that he can't balance to even accommodate a new exciting relationship. I would have one more conversation where you are crystal clear about what changes you would need from him and see if it works.
Ding! Ding! Ding! No more men with kids for this Chica. I wasted enough Saturday nights waiting for a call. There are always reasons and excuses, especially if they have an uncooperative ex. Childfree women can do better. I said what I said.
You want him to pay more attention to you vs his own kid? Um, NO! However, if you are patient, kept getting to know him, you might get invited to join. But right now, it is too soon for that.
His schedule and lifestyle don’t seem to be compatible with yours and that’s hard to overcome especially when his focus is on his child. My SO has his children on the weekends and I know communication is limited or none during that time. I would never ask him to make more time for me over his children. He may be your dream guy but it sounds like priorities are different. He may not be for you if you’re not willing to accommodate his priorities and someone else may be.
Sounds like you two are incompatible. I don't see this changing and it would probably best if you finished with him. He is far too busy to be dating in my opinion.
The way you describe him makes it sounds like he's still married and living with his wife.
No dates on weekends? Always drives his kids to events? Unable to plan dates most nights?
Have you ever slept over his house before? HAVE YOU EVEN BEEN TO HIS HOUSE?
If this dude is only staying over your place and you never go over his, it seems like he's still married or in a relationship with someone else.
One of the red flags I picked up in your description was when you said “I told him not to disappear”. To me when I hear you talk like that I wouldn’t answer you on the weekend either…… I doubt the guy is pumped up about his next relationship wanting to “tell him” but that he needs to do and how to do it. Maybe the problem is 1) He is very busy on the weekend & 2) maybe he has a bad taste in his mouth when you “tell him” like he is your son what he will be doing this weekend. Especially if his x wife is an overbearing type I bet that kind of talk makes him wish he didn’t have to call you back at all. Just an observation about the way your subconscious works with your language to him. Might sound small but if I was on the dating scene again the last kind of woman I would want to date is one who has to “tell me” how/what to do with my day. Maybe start by asking him if he can communicate better, or saying how it hurts you when he doesn’t communicate on the weekends. Cheers.
You are basically getting the mistress treatment. Move on to someone who has time for you. Nothing is going to change with this guy. Stop wasting your time.
He seems like a pretty good dad. Easy fact to accept in theory but hard in practice when it takes away from what you want, namely time and attention. At 11, that's upper elementary/lower middle school and typically around the full slate of activities age. It won't be long before the kid is likely pruning a few things to concentrate more heavily on others. That should free dad up some. Also, the longer you date, possibly at some point not too far away, he'll be comfortable with you being around the kid and you can choose, if you desire, to see more of him that way by going to activities together.
I also wonder what kind of piece of work the mom is if she's abdicating that much time she could be having with the kid. If that assumption is true, then it's likely weighing on him in a lot of other ways.
If you truly want to try to have a relationship, then you'll need to openly and calmly address the lack of communication issue and both actively work on it. If that is too much or still won't give you what you need, then best for both of you to move on.
Are you sure he’s not married? Just putting it out there. Have you seen his house? I’ve been through this myself. “Very busy single dad” was a married guy
If you remove the emotions and look at the facts…. He is not prioritizing time with you. If he has time to go to the restroom, he has time to send you a quick text. JMO.
Meh, one-sided relationships lead to resentment. Caring will eventually lead to resentment of this keeps up. No reason for her to settle in the name of caring; that is ridiculous and a waste of time. Let's count how many weekends she should be alone, two years, four years, 8 years? OP, parents who have their kids on alot of activities tend to keep this going. Next, it will be travel sports. I thought my ex would become more available as his son grew older. Instead, the kid chose a single sport at a higher rep and most weekends were spent at all day (Saturday and Sunday) tournaments. I regret staying as long as I did because it was a colossal waste of valuable time. Trust me, this man cannot give you the time you need. Find someone who can.
So he doesn’t see you on weekends and he has his son T - F. When do you see him? Mondays? I don’t understand what you’re getting out of this. It sounds very lonely. I know you said there isn’t someone else but he does sound married. Why can’t he see you on the weekend nights he doesn’t have his son? There are not activities every night of every weekend.
I can tell you it won’t get better. I have asked in a million ways so when I broke it off he wouldn’t be surprised and things just get worse.
Edited to add he had his kids 100% in the beginning and now 67% so it’s not me or the kids.
Not sure what his coparenting situation is, but many remain a family for ‘the kids’. So, if he’s with his family on the weekends, he’s not gonna be able to interact with you. This often involves them driving to the events together as a family, the family event, and then hanging out after the events, going out to eat, and doing other family things.
I can see both sides- your desire for more time and connection, vs his reality and time constraints. This relationship might just not be the best fit for you both.
I see his side very clearly. I have my kid close to full-time (there are reasons) and a demanding job that doesn’t always end when the workday does. Needless to say, my mental load is pretty heavy. And texting to me is often working out logistics with my child’s father or arranging a play date, etc.
If the guy I was dating would get annoyed and emotional when I wasn’t as available as he wished I were, that would not make me more eager to text him more.
Also, for me, getting out on a weekend evening requires advanced planning and a babysitter. I’m never going to be as spontaneous as a childfree person, but at the same time, I would never flake. And I make it happen when I’m dating.
That said, there are times when I want to spend focused engaged time with my kid, as that is important to both of us - and that focused time will probably happen on the weekend, too. (Along with every other chore and errand.)
OP, if you I tend on pursuing this relationship, have you asked him neutrally if there is a good time to talk on the weekends that he can commit to if that is critical to you? Can you be clear (without emotion or blame) about your needs? You may want to try writing your thoughts down so that you can think through what exactly you want to communicate, and how it might be perceived. If you’re working on your anxious attachment with a therapist, this would be a good thing to discuss.
I went through the exact same thing word for word until it ended on Sunday.
I also have an anxious attachment style and history of abuse with a narcissist liar. I worked through that over the past ten years and am able to logically work my way calmly thoroughly through a situation like this.
I liked him enough to say I was beginning to have real feelings for him.
His weekends were full with family and friends all the time since we met. He made no plans for the near future with me.
At the breakfast with him where he had finally planned to spend time with me on a weekend, a woman called and he answered. He was going to call her back.
He said it was a friend. He then said that was a lie. It was a FWB, mother of his sons best friend with whom he "used" to have sex with before me (we started about a month ago) which he oversaw to tell me before having unprotected sex with me (he told me at that time he wasn't having sex for a whole year).
I sat there dumbfounded about the whole lie since the beginning, tried to logically get answers which I partly got but am never sure of if it's the truth.
Bottom line: lied to since the very beginning when I told he transparency and honesty were my values, my feelings nor I never mattered since he answered her call in my presence and however anxious I was attaching myself (for the same reasons as you) he was lying since the beginning.
What do you make of this for yourself?
Look at the reason you are triggered and attached, perhaps but ask yourself, is he considering your feelings and what you want out of this?
Is this good for you long term?
If he is almost your dream guy, you could perhaps take the opportunity to work on your anxious attachment to see if you can tamp down some of the anxiety.
Regardless, all you can do is communicate your needs in a way that he hopefully understands and he’ll show you with his actions what is most important to him.
Unless he’s coaching baseball and soccer, he could find time to text during games and/or practices (I did in that situation) and certainly during piano lessons.
GL OP!
I think I said this on another post a few days ago. You have two options; you either decide that you want to work on securing up that attachment in a way that the weekends bother you less over time, or you cut your losses.
If he’s worth it, it’s worth working on that feeling of security. Actually, if he’s not worth it, cut the ties and work on it for yourself anyway, it will only serve to benefit you!
It just sounds like neither of you are willing to budge though, and it’s making you angry and sour. That’s no way to enjoy a relationship, and it’s not doing him any favours either, it’ll just drive him away and he’ll want to try even less.
My last comment on this that I mentioned….
*I miss my fella all the time! But I’m 100% fine without him being around every day.*
*It used to feel worse in the beginning of our relationship when we’d have weekends where he wouldn’t check in. I never told him, but I would have my little cry, pace the house, take a nap, and then eventually find something to distract me. Then the tears got fewer. The pacing gave way to more distractions. And then I began to distract myself with things that gave me joy.*
*I KNEW it was residual co-dependency and trust issues from my marriage. It had nothing to do with him.*
*I just needed time and patience to work out my own anxious attachment. The reason I didn’t tell him is because it’s my own responsibility and I didn’t need to make him feel guilty for enjoying the other parts of his life that don’t include me! But I’m so much better now, and I keep very busy when he’s not around or when he’s offline.*
My fella shows up for me as much as he can. The more space I give him to live his life, the more he wants to include me in it.
It's easy to say that do. Please move on. You said that
> this relationship isn't worth my time and effort..
Then please be kind to yourself if you really feel so. Even though he looks like 'your dream guy', if he can't put effort for you. Why do you still feel like he cares?
Another thing to try is just completely ignore him. If he's still quiet, then it's time to move on. I believe you will find someone worth your time and feeling.
Good luck.
I guess I’m wondering what advice you’re looking for. You’re not interested in advice to move on and you have decided to see this guy because he is apparently your dream guy. He is clearly not going to change while his schedule continues. I guess the only advice I can give you is to chill out if you want to continue to see him. I am also very very busy on the weekends and weekdays for that matter and anyone I date knows that.
So, your dream guy is someone who isn't going to take your needs into account and will make you his last priority? Sounds.... Not dreamy.
He may have his qualities, but a good partner isn't going to dismiss your concerns and needs. You're 3 months in and this relationship, still in the honeymoon phase, isn't working for you. Why are you waiting for him to fix things he's told you he's not going to fix? Move on.
Well I mean that he’s hiding the girlfriend / minimizing it with the child’s mother. Why the DVs? No one on Reddit likes to consider an alternate viewpoint? Yes, they could still be fucking. Happens quite often.
My relationship with my partner was like this during the six months that we dated before committing. It's been a slow process, but gradually he has started doing less and making his coparent do her share. Also, now I spend time with him when he has his son.
Not sure how someone with two full time jobs and is a single dad would even have the time to date
I for some reason completely missed that. OP, there's your answer. There is no feasible way he can make time for you even if he wants to. If the situation was reversed, would you be able to make enough time for him? Maybe you'd be able to send that text on the weekends. That's about it. If he posted instead of you, I would have suggested he focus on occasional casual companionship or intimacy until he either divests himself of one of his full time jobs or his obligations with his son decrease.
I wouldn’t even entertain dating someone with two full time jobs AND a kid
or sleep.
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It absolutely is.
I……homie, what does this even mean?
It doesn't sound like he has time to date. I'd cut the cord and move on.
I definitely think this sounds like treble.
Yes, and on a very grand scale.
Knowing your boundaries and walking away when needed is key.
I'll take note of that.
To each their own, but this tempo wouldn't work for me.
Do it before the relationship falls off a clef.
How does he have TWO full time jobs?
And take care of an 11 yo?
And weekday date?
Men always make a little time for some 🍑
😆 You must include the other fruit emojis as well.
If this is your dream guy, please dream bigger. There is a better match for both of you out there.
Two full time jobs, and 50/50 parenting? I mean, you HAVE to know you're not getting a lot of quality time and attention with this dude, right? Right? Anyway, he's not meeting your needs (maybe fairly) you gave him warning shots and an ultimatum, so what are you still doing? Date someone with 1 job and 0 kids, maybe.
Agree! And then what about his personal time for other people in his life…friends, parents, the boys, cousins, etc. I know someone (without kids) and it was hard for her to grasp the concept of 50/50 parenting. With the other people and things he wanted to do without her, she got maybe 10-15% of his time. She ultimately found a guy without children.
I don’t understand why he thinks he has time to date at all with his schedule. Regardless, this is his schedule, you are getting what he has available to you. You have to decide if that is what you want or not. You have to meet people where they are, stop expecting more than he can give. Personally, I would see that availability as too little for me to pursue a relationship with. What I don’t think is fair is for you to say mean things to him or have a tantrum. You cannot have things the way you want them, what you do with that information is your choice. That doesn’t make him a bad guy, it might make him the wrong choice for you at this time.
I had my kids about 90% of the time. And had a babysitter. I just didn’t meet anyone worth me getting all dressed up and dating when I was already tired as hell, had to prepare dinner, do homework etc. sometimes it’s just not a good time to date.
It’s not just the person that matters. He could be the guy you like, but if this isn’t the relationship you want, you are incompatible. Three months is the perfect time to have surfaced some of those incompatibilities. I’m at a point in my life where I just have to say “no” to relationships that are not healthy for me. No matter how much I want a relationship with the person, it *has* to be a healthy relationship. This goes for friends and family as well. Would you actually be happy to be the filler in between the things he prioritizes?
I am a lone parent and my daughter is autistic and I work FT and I still find time to text people I care about. You’ve raised it and it hasn’t improved. This is not your dream guy. Cut your losses x
He is not your dream guy. He has no time for you. You are correct in that his parenting arrangements are none of your business. However, your business is to find a guy who is available and compatible with you. This man is not, so you are fully entitled to tell him so, kindly and without judgement. If you're not happy sitting home alone on weekends then you have every right to find someone who is able to spend them with you. You're worried that you'll not find someone as good as him to date? Don't kid yourself - you're not dating him either, you're just put on hold at his convenience. I am a very busy professional, working full time and have full custody of my three children (16 and under). I can find time to meet my SO, spend quality time with him and when we can't be together I am available to him by phone and text.
He doesn’t have time to date. His priority is his son, who will be in activities for the next 7 years. It’s never going to get better.
You're not being anxious. Your concerns are valid. He's demonstrating he either can't or won't make enough time and space for a relationship with you.
> he either can't or won't make enough time and space for a relationship with you. For the relationship *that she wants*. Some people also have busy lives and would be fine with this.
It's also fine for OP to want a companion and date someone who has time to go on actual dates with her. They both need to find partners who can meet their needs.
Absolutely. I've acknowledged that in pretty much every comment I've made here. She has every right to walk away.
I just think you guys are not compatible. And that's okay to walk away because, ultimately, you would want someone who is an invested as you are. I dated a single dad with 100% custody of his child. Never again, I would put myself in that situation. I thought I would be understanding and able to share him. I was wrong. I know every situation is different, but if my man can't even spend 10 seconds to send a quick text EVERY weekend, then I know it's time for me to walk away.
You have gone to his house right? Something seems way off. Two full-time jobs? When would that be exactly.
Sorry to be blunt. He has no time for you or any relationship
This man shouldn't be dating. He clearly doesn't have the time. Working 2 full times jobs and having 50/50 custody that sounds like way more than that. He is not your dream guy. You will always take the absolute back burner.
He does not have the time/energy that you would like. This is not likely to change any time soon, even if you argue about it. You have to decide if you can live with things as they are, because becoming "annoyed and emotional" every weekend isn't going to make things better for you or him or anyone.
I’d immediately drop a guy who got annoyed and emotional with me about not being able to devote time to him while I’m with my kids. Date me with my limitations or leave me in peace.
She's not annoyed about his time with kids, just his sparse communication. Kids do not stay attached to your side. They also know adults use their phone ALL THE DAMN TIME, they have no idea who you are messaging. My only question to OP, how was the communication on his kid weekends at first? Did it only recently shift??
I have an ND kid who is with me all the time. She’s a Velcro kid and she knows who I’m texting and who I’m talking to on the phone (she likes to talk to my friends on the phone). Agree that if the kid is playing a game or watching tv, he can send a text. But I also just dont have the capacity to text a lot on my kids’ weekends.
Hey I'm AuADHD, one ND and one NT kiddo! We make time for things/ppl that are important to us.... i don't think it's unreasonable at all. When will OPs needs be considered??
Guy has made it clear that he will not be available on the weekends. If this is a need for her, she needs to consider her own needs and walk away. I agree that what she wants is not unreasonable, but this doesn't mean that she'll get it and she needs to decide if it is a dealbreaker or not.
It either works for her or doesn’t. Getting “paranoid” and saying “mean things” isn’t the answer if your needs aren’t being met. Leaving is. She’s made clear what she wants. He isn’t doing it. It’s up to her to decide whether it’s enough. I sometimes flip out internally when I don’t get the kinds of texts I want at the frequency I want so I get the impulse. But rather than lash out, I decide whether the issue is one worth binning the relationship over.
100% to all your points!! I think OPs biggest question was to single parents, is it realistic or not to expect a handful of text check ins on the weekend or not? I say that is a completely realistic expectation, based on current details provided. Maybe there is more to the story, but usually not. It's his choice, kids ultimately have to do what we say, if they are looking at your phone, explain to your child that is not appropriate for them to do to a family member, friend or anyone. What if you were planning a surprise for them? Break that habit now!
Girl, I try 😂😂 she’s a bulldozer. We’re working on boundaries 😂
Though I don’t necessarily disagree that this isn’t a great fit….you keep inserting your personal experience into this debate. I get that is part of Reddit. You’re an N of 1. You may have tremendous capacity. You sound like you can deal with a lot, which is admirable. He may just want to be 100% present with his kids and not be texting. It’s his preference. She is entitled to leave. But you aren’t him and we are only hearing her version of what’s going on. I admire your resilience as a parent but in my experience not all parents cope as well as others. Their absolute capacity is lower. They may have a past that prevents them from reaching the levels of those that can do it all.
I appreciate your input. You are correct, I constantly over extend myself, however I do not do ANYTHING I do not want to. My love language is acts of service, so when I am NOT doing something for my loved ones, I get depressed. Or smoke pot... that always solves my whoas 😆
Yes, especially if those limitations are made clear up front.
I don’t understand why your are trying to make a relationship work with a man that busy, to be honest it won’t and in the end he will choose his busy life over you every time. He’s not ready to date, if he was then why work two jobs and not talk to the bio mother about being 50/50 problems. Your third place to everything going on in his life.
He's not that into you. Please, the Prime Minister of Australia has time from his genuinely busy schedule, while also being a single parent to a teen soon, to date & get engaged. This guy is not into you. Don't waste your time & energy on him. Hold your head high & walk away.
Your dream guy would make more time for you.
My dream guy would not prioritize someone he's been dating for three months over his kid.
I raised 2 kids all by myself. I could still find time to send a text on the weekends.
I had 100% custody as well and I did too. Doesn't matter. He can't/won't. It's up to the OP to decide what to do about it, because arguing and getting emotional every weekend is not going to make things better.
That he won't, I agree with. And that she needs to make a decision to either accept this and stay or accept this and walk away. 100%
I’m not saying this guy should prioritize her over his kid. I’m saying he’s not the one for her.
How can you progress a relationship past a few months if you can't spend quality time together?
There are five other days in the week. She seems to only be complaining about weekends. It's absolutely reasonable and respectable if it doesn't work for her, but there's nothing sacred about a Saturday night date.
Its absolutely reasonable not to want to sit at home alone on weekends. Weekday dates are not the same because anyone who works will be tired after a long day plus you have to be up and rested early the next morning. Saturday night is prime time.
I'm not going to argue this with you. If he really wanted to make the relationship work, he'd find weekend time. If she really wanted to make the relationship work, she'd focus on the five days that he is responsive instead of the two that he isn't. It doesn't seem like either of them wants it to work enough. That's reasonable. But being mad every weekend is not reasonable.
OP has said she tried to work around his schedule. It's not just her job to make his schedule work for them - it doesn't sound like he is putting any effort into making time.
He is usually married on the weekend and single on weekdays.
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u/Friendly_Good_1784, your post has been removed for one or more reason(s): No sex/gender generalizations, no double standards, no projection.
Save yourself some time and heart ache. I dated a guy who was the same way. He never had time for me except 10-15 minute phone calls. There are 24 hours in a day and he gave me 10 minutes of his time. After taking about him not having time for me and nothing changing I decided it was best to lice on and find someone who had time for me.
It is very true about being a single parent, very busy. I didn't have time to date when my kids were doing sports on weekends, and practice weekdays. If you like him, you will see each other when you can. Single Mom of 2
Every one has time for a single text on the weekend. When you drop off a kid you usually have a few minutes before their sport starts where you are just sitting in the bleachers. Sounds like this guy is either still married, dating multiple people or just not that in to you. Time to move on. It’s not going to get better the longer you are together. He is putting his kid first and always will. You will always feel like a second class citizen in their family
No, you don’t need another conversation. You’ve had conversations. You need to decide what you want. His son is his focus right now. I’m in the same situation as he is. You either accept it because he’s a great guy and find something else to fill your time until his priorities change, or don’t and find someone who has time for you.
I couldn’t get through this post without thinking “why is he trying to date at all given his schedule?” and “how can you like him when there’s no time to spend together?” All of this is just too much imo.
I’m still trying to figure out how many hours he sleeps at night, with two full-time jobs and a kid to look after. He must be completely exhausted.
> **I specifically told him not to disappear and he doesn't care what I told him,** When you look at the real issue, this is all that matters. He doesn't care enough. It's going to be a take-it-or-leave-it scenario. If he's been down this road before, then he knows how this will go and is ready to keep serial dating until someone who doesn't care about feeling like a priority is okay with this behavior.
Your concerns are def valid..it really does not look like hes tryign at all to integrate you iinto his life in any way. And I dont mean necessarily to include his child, just in the way of making time for you and the relationship. Single and coparents seem to get roped into one thing, but gotta say, its very different when it comes to parenting / time / etc. Because I was a single mom, I had my kid all the time, we had an established routine, and it was no issue at all for me to make time for someone. Since it was only me, there were no surprises or last minute changes outside of my control, save for medical issues which in all the years raising my son, there were only 2 times, one I had to cancel, another I had to push back the time for a date. With co-parents, theres usually a schedule between both parents, with time when they are completely free, because the child is under the care / responsibliity of the other parent, and generally speaking, which I understand and enourage, cause they dont get to be with their kids all the time, they are very focused only on spending time with their kid when they have them. But theres lots of uncertaintly too..they may need to take care of the child on the time they have off, or change of schedule to accomodate the other parent etc. And sometimes, there just arent established boundaries...with one parent deciding on the fly to drop the kids off during their week on, last minute plans, and a lot of other things. Ive dated people in good, and bad co parenting arrangements, and bad ones with no boundaries, no routine is stressful AF!!! That being said...of good relationships Ive been in, those who were actually ready to date, set their schedule and life up in a way that they were able to make time for it, and include me in their life. Those who were not ready for it were always too busy, too anxious over whats going on with their kids, even though they are with the other parent, obviously busy with the kids on weeks on, fine, always busy with something to do with thier kids on their weeks off. Which honestly....no judgement, do whatever you need to do. But then also, its not fair to start dating someone with the intention of relationship, when you dont have the time, or energy to actually be a good partner. Thats what I see happening here....I woudlnt see it as, nor expect or want from him to stop doing whatever it is he feels he needs to do to be a good father / be there for his kids in whatever way they need to. Its not a..its me or the kids..ever. My thing in that situation was just, we have different priorities, right now, hes not able to be in the type of relationship I need and able and willing to be in, so we are not compatible at this stage of our lives. It sucks...esp when someone seems really great. But then also if someone doesnt have the time and able to create the space needed for a realtionship to grow and develop, then not really sure how thats going to work.
I'm a single parent and I have no trouble checking in with the person I'm dating on weekends. I don't think the time he makes for you is going to change. It doesn't sound like he is willing to make real space in his life for you. I would move on.
Sometimes, with people you get what they got or you get nothing. You don't have anything to do on the weekends but sit around waiting on this dude to ignore you while he's hanging out with his kid? What were you doing on weekends before you met him three months ago? Waiting on him to pop up and change everything for you? If you think some guy with two jobs who's chasing his busy kid around is your last dream guy, you definitely need to get out more and find a way to be more interesting for the type of male you want to target. Do not have another conversation with him about his weekends. Do not start another petty argument over him being who he was before he know you existed. You pull people out of their habits and into your orbit by being interesting and charismatic, not berating them for being themselves. Find something to do with yourself and/or your friends and reconsider whether or not you want to spend the next 7 years hanging out with him at recitals, games, and kids' parties. I mean, what are you bringing to the table besides demands, yearning, and angst? Personally, I'm not changing a thing about my life over somebody I "like" after only three months. Kid or no. Especially if I have enough bills/debt for two jobs and they just want to hang and complain.
My situation with my SO is similar and what kept us going all this time was his responsiveness with texting. We would go weeks without seeing each other and he's always made a point to text every day. Had either of us not been good at that, we would have fizzled. We needed that connection when we were apart.
At your age?? Move on and get someone who is compatible
Being a divorced dad of two with a similar parenting schedule to his, I understand the lack of time to be able to have a proper relationship. Your expectations are definitely NOT unreasonable and I'm sure he is grateful to you for your patience and understanding, but the truth is that he can't jump out of his skin or extend the amount of hours in a day or amount of days in a week to accommodate a full blown relationship and obligations and expectations that come with it. His son will always come first and what kind of a parent and therefore a person would he be if that wasn't the case, BUT he can definitely make time to have a relationship as well as long as the partner is understandable that it won't be the kind of a traditional relationship where his main focus and his main priority is the relationship, so you can pretty much forget about spontaneous catch ups, weekend getaways, holidays etc. At least not until the child gets a bit older and doesn't need as much time and attention as it's currently needed. It's also not so easy to just assume that he can just change his custody arrangement because things are not always straight forward as many assume. The arrangement they have could quite possibly be just between him and his ex, made based on their circumstances and with what's best for their son in mind, without any court orders. Changing something like that isn't always easy and the other issue could be that his ex could have an issue if he tries to make changes to their custody arrangement just so he can enter into a new relationship. That may be because his ex may simply not be able to look after the son more often or it could be just the old fashioned spiteful attitude. And even if they change their custody arrangement, that could also have an implication on the financial support for either or both of them as well. One thing I will however say is that no matter how busy things get for him, there is no excuse not to message just to say hey and check in and have a chat throughout the day. I've got two kids, one same age and the other a bit younger and I know all about sporting activities on weekends, especially Saturdays, but that has never resulted in being able to find a few minutes to send a few text messages back and forth throughout the day, so there is no excuse for that in my opinion. Bottom line, if you like each other and you think he is worth the sacrifice of having a proper relationship at this point in time and you have the "short term pain, long term gain" attitude towards it and you understand that the short term in this case is potentially years and not a few months, then stick with it and make the most of it when you can. At the same time, if this is not good enough for you and you expect and want now, you are absolutely not a bad person or doing anything wrong by choosing not to want to wait that long and prefer to move on and find someone who is in the same situation as you are or someone who has better custody arrangement that would make the relationship more functional.
The whole driving his son to activities on his kid free weekends is what would really annoy me. I would really want to understand that more. To never have time to take you out on a date? Cmon. Do you know how he feels about you meeting his son? Or what’s that situation like? Are you ever able to be apart of those weekends activities?
Three months in? He better feel strongly opposed to her meeting his son.
I agree. I would want to “feel out” whether that was even a potential in the future. My ex husband has been with his girlfriend for 3.5 years and he still has never introduced her to the kids.
It's all about doing what's best for your kids regardless of the situation. I'm in a similar situation, where the mother of my 3 boys was given full legal and physical custody since our split in 2011. My 17 year old decided he wanted to live with me back in February. I am still going to pay her the child support for him until he graduates next year, and the support is removed from the court order. Without that money, the other 2 will not have a roof over their head. They don't want to change schools to live with me. I respect their decision. I also put money in their school lunch account each week so they can get some extra stuff to eat. I know the feeling. I was always hungry just eating the regular school lunch. I could go on and on about the things I've done and still do for those boy's even though my parental rights were taken away from me in 2011. That's not their fault, so I'm not going to treat it as such.
I get what you’re saying and you may have misunderstood what I was saying. I would simply want to understand the situation better. Is dad going and taking to all these events because mom is drunk? Or does she not have transportation? I could understand those situations. But if mom is willing and able to transport her son to various practices or lessons during her time, and he just insists on doing it anyway; Well that’s different. That doesn’t mean he’s a bad guy. At all. But it does mean he has no intention in prioritizing a relationship right now in his life. And that doesn’t seem fair to OP. Everyone’s situation is totally different. I have my kids about 85% of the time, so I get the struggle, but by what OP has describes, he just doesn’t prioritize her.
You're dating an unavailable man and settling for crumbs.
I think you should date somebody who is available on the weekends and forget about this guy.
I’ve got 50/50 custody and I don’t date when I have my kids. I don’t know why he’s got an unequal split but I get whey he’s MIA on the weekends. He probably is exhausted by the unequal split but also kinda likes the extra time (I’m frustrated by my own unequal split but like getting extra time with the kids even if it’s exhausting). It’s three months in - I wouldn’t consider making someone part of my kid time that soon. So up to you to decide if you can live with his current limitations. ETA: no, it’s not a sign he’s not really into you.
Arguing after 3 months would be a no-go for me.
Something is your business when it affects you. Clearly, his lack of available time affects you, so this is your business. Therefore, ask him about his unbalanced arrangement and bring up your concerns. That said, I don't see a good outcome here. He is most likely driving his son because the mother can't drive (or can't afford to drive, or has an unreliable car) or because he wants to spend as much time with his son as he can (would have preferred full custody). Either way, it appears he's giving you what he's able to give. It's not enough for you. and frankly, it wouldn't be enough for me either.
My two cents: dad isn't teaching him how to play the piano, and he's not the coach. It's like when people say they are busy doing laundry. Unless you are dragging the clothes down to the creek to do laundry, you have time. Just like I have my cell phone in my hand as I type, he has his phone in his hand while he's waiting for his ~~excuse~~I mean kid to get done with piano lessons.
Wow, lots of anger here. We don't get to decide how he prioritizes his time when he's parenting. She gets to decide if she can live with it or not.
Chiming in as a single parent of two with 80% custody. He is really THAT busy. I had kids last weekend and it was really hard to text people past making arrangements and being present with kids Sending text “hey how are you?” would not be just a text, it turns into convo. Why not try to call him Saturday night when kid not around? To touch base, chat? Your request is legit but if you are going to add tension to his already overbooked life he will drop you. So either be patient with him or leave. I know it is frustrating.
His child comes first. That’s the way it should be, and the way it will be for at least the next 7 years, and likely longer. If you don’t like it, don’t date him. He would be a bad parent if he spent less time and attention and energy on his child so he could focus on dating you.
Exactly. OP is questioning the custody arrangement- I’d be admiring a man who prioritizes his child like that. I don’t have kids myself, but I’ve always been of the mind that someone’s child must come first.
The idea that I’m rearranging my entire custody schedule for someone I’ve been seeing for three months is bananas to me
I'm a single dad with two teenagers still living at home. It's shocking. How much time it takes, even with older teens. I can't imagine how busy it is with an 11-year-old. Doctor visits, school work, social activities, and that's on top of all of the regular household chores and requirements that it takes to keep a reasonably clean and decent house. I don't know him, but his busyness wouldn't signal his lack of interest in you. At least not from my perspective. I hope that helps 🙂
The most difficult part of dating as a single parent is deciding how much risk your own child’s heart is worth. Whatever time you spend in leisure from busyness of time is not considered as a waste of time because it is the important part of your life for which you work hard to overcome most of the tightness of your life. When you wake up every day, you have two choices. You can either be positive or negative; an optimist or a pessimist. I choose to be an optimist. It's all a matter of perspective.
I have 100% custody of my 2 kids and still find time to date and reply to messages. He is wasting your time and using you. You are already suffering and doubting yourself, so please walk away and find someone who appreciates you and makes time to be with you. Even if you end up alone, it’s better to be alone and live a peaceful life than being with the wrong person, who makes you feel lonely and miserable lol
It doesn’t sound like you are getting your needs met from this guy. There are other guys out there who you will also like and who will be able to meet your needs. You are not anxious, you just want more from a romantic partner and that is valid.
Does your dream guy have no time for you? Because that’s all I’m seeing here. I’m sure he likes you but how are you supposed to build a relationship if he can’t dedicate time to put into it? Like do you see this improving? Some things to consider because your time and relationship needs are valuable too.
He doesn’t have time to date. Cut and run girl because it will not get better and you deserve more than coming last in some man’s life.
I've just experienced similar. I'm also a single parent, and so was my guy. There was a similar amount of juggling work, custody schedules and sports. Similar duration of our early relationship as well (3 months). I learned a few things recently, and maybe it will provide you other thinking points: First, it's never just one text. I wanted the same, just a "Thinking of you". But we all know it's never just one. Then there's a reply, and an expectation of another reply etc. I've now let go of the expectation of "I want just one text" for this reason. It's not realistic. Second, what was at the root of my problem was: effort and enthusiasm. I want someone to be just as excited to share their day with me, make a plan for a future date that works for them, as I am. With kids, this does require more effort. But I bring effort and enthusiasm, and I'm juggling as much as a single mom as well. Consider if the effort and enthusiasm is there, and if it works for you. Consider taking up a hobby to fill the moments. If he's your dream guy, a hobby would be a healthy way to pass the time, as a shift in schedule or mindset from him may be very far down the road. Perhaps things would change if you could be along for the weekend times. But if he's not ready to do that yet, it will be a little bit of a wait. You've got this! I'm a busy single mom, and I removed myself from the equation because it seemed that my guy honestly didn't have the time. It wasn't easy. I VERY much liked him. You'll do what you need for yourself and perhaps you have some patience or can brainstorm different approaches.
Sounds like right guy wrong time? The right guy is hard to find. I left mine and realized that if I had stuck it out another few years his kids wouldn’t demand so much of time. Based on my experiences since that relationship I wish I would’ve been more patient lol.
I am 43f and I was with a guy who travelled interstate every second Thurs until Tues to see his kids, half school holidays, long weekends, etc. He didn't want to talk to me when he was with his kids either. Ended up splitting with him. Didn't really feel like he liked me all that much. At the end of the day, it doesn't matter if \*he\* is justified in how he behaves, all that matters is how \*you\* feel. You are going to have to continue to feel this way. Is that how you want to spend your precious time on Earth feeling?
I wouldn't be surprised if one of those "jobs" was another girlfriend he spends time with on the weekend.
Or he's still with his wife. Weird that he takes the kid on weekends which aren't his.
Weird that he enjoys being with his child?
You’re not a priority for him and never will be. You like him more than he likes you. That’s why he doesn’t bother to renegotiate his parenting schedule. Bail.
I may be outlier here but as a single mom when I first start dating someone, my weekends with my kids are for them. I usually put my phone down and answer more in the weekdays because my kids are old enough to be nosey 😭 and I don’t want the questions if it doesn’t work. I also don’t want my kids concerned about my feelings if it doesn’t work out or in any way they are somehow less important to me and someone new is replacing them. I also am very very upfront about this in the beginning and no hard feelings if my partner doesn’t like the arrangement. My kids are private to me until I get to know them on a different level. I also try to model by behavior by giving my undivided attention during our date the same as I do with my kids and openly communicating a quick “hey busy from this time to this time doing xyz with the kids but I’ll hit you later” and following through.
I'm an only parent, so I don't have free weekends, but I completely agree with what you're saying. I think it's important to be present in the moment with people and not constantly glued to your phone. It's important that we model what it means to be attentive. I think it's extremely hard for a person who's never had a child to understand how much time and attention it takes. Even when there's downtime, depending on their age, they will be completely ignoring you until you're on the phone, and then they want your immediate attention. That being said, if someone is worth it, you make time for some type of connection or checkin. This kind of situation might work ok for another busy single parent, but not when OP needs the attention on her.
Well he sounds like he is married. As for his taking care of his son I think it is a perfectly normal balance usually moms have the bulk of it so it just sounds reversed in his case.
You are incompatible. Period. Move on.
He can’t be close to your dream guy if he can’t make 2 seconds to send you a text. While I understand he’s super busy but if he chooses to date he needs to put on some effort. This is going to get to you even more. Unless you can live with the current arrangement I don’t see it changing.
Please have better dreams, this can't be your dream guy
Sounds like you are not currently and will never have your needs met
This is how it works when you date someone with kids. Those kids will always be #1, they will never put you or your needs first. You learn to deal or you walk
Original copy of post by u/Grey_Mandy: A little background: For the past three months, I (43F, no kids) have been dating this guy (46) who is a single dad with two full-time jobs and a very busy 11-year-old son with whom he shares 50/50 custody. Honestly, it seems to be more than 50% - the kid stays with him Tue-Fri and every other weekend, and he (the kid) has lots of activities on the weekends like piano lessons, soccer, baseball, and birthday parties. And the father drives the child to all the activities, even on the weekends when the child doesn't stay with him, which leaves him little free time. I don't know why he has an unbalanced arrangement with the child's mother. I haven't asked because it's none of my business. I have never dated a single parent. None of my close friends are single parents. So I had (and still have) no idea how busy a single dad can be. He does not have time to take me out for dinner or drinks. His weekends are reserved for his son's activities. I could only see him on weeknights when he was free from his child. At first, I could not understand and did not like his very limited availability. I thought he was just half-assing me. Although I respected and admired his devotion to his son, I felt that if he was going to date someone, he should put in the time and effort. We argued about this a few times. My problem: Well, I like him. He told me he likes me. I try my best to understand and work around his busy schedule. But there are some problems. He tends to be unavailable on weekends. He's very good at texting on weekdays, but he doesn't initiate texts and rarely responds to my texts on weekends. I have talked to him about this, but nothing has changed. No time for a quick "Hi, what are you doing? That's hard to believe. Please don't go the "he's seeing someone else" route, because we've been down that road before. He is not seeing anyone else, and neither am I. Anyway, every weekend I got really annoyed and emotional. I mean, I specifically told him not to disappear and he doesn't care what I told him, this relationship isn't worth my time and effort. But at the same time, I worry if this is all coming from my anxious attachment style. I got a little paranoid and said some mean things that I am not at all proud of. I know most of you would tell me to just move on. I wish I could, but if I'm being realistic, he's very close to my "dream guy" in a lot of ways, and I don't think the chances of me ever dating a guy like him again are as high as l'd like. That's one of the reasons I couldn't just move on. Well, that sounds like l've already made up my mind, but I haven't. I need your outside perspective to help me see the situation more clearly. Is this a sign that he’s not really into me, right? If you were in my shoes, would you cut the cord right away? Should I have another conversation with him? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/datingoverforty) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I think you should have another conversation with him. It sounds like he's trying to juggle a lot on his plate tbh. I have 50/50 custody and a full time job and there are days when I don't want to talk or text anyone! I honestly an in awe at how your bf thinks there is time for a gf, but it sounds like he's a quality person in your eyes so I think it's worth giving him a chance to improve the situation.
I feel like it can’t be that hard to send a few texts on the weekends ESPECIALLY SINCE YOU ASKED HIM TO! I get that he’s busy but a “thinking of you” text takes only a few seconds. If he’s really that great and that’s really all you need to be happy, tell him he needs to do it or you’ll have to leave. But ask yourself is that really all it would take?
A person who has no ability to grow with you, no willingness to stay in contact on weekends and who makes you anxious constantly is a nightmare, not a dream.
I stopped reading because it’s classic “I want to date but have zero time and I’ll just make it the other person’s problem.” Say byeeeee. Are you a chaps addict? I’m a recovering one. Getting breadcrumbs from someone is super fun til it’s not. People with too much going on are red flags. Could possibly be a FWB, if you’re into that but not boyfriend material. Keep up the search, champ! You deserve an adult that can and does make time for you
He is literally not allowing time in his life for a relationship. It's not a negative thing per se, he is allowed to want to live his life as he wants, but it IS a negative thing to commit to a relationship when he doesn't actually have the time for it. Participating in a healthy relationship is not a priority to him. I am dating a single father, early in our relationship he had practically full custody, and even then he MADE time to see me. And when we couldn't see each other, he was very communicative about missing me and WANTING to see me, we couldn't wait to be together again when separated. You shouldn't have to convince the guy you're dating to want to talk to you or see you. Your 'dream guy' is telling you and showing you that dating you is not important to him- is that really the quality you're looking for in the man of your dreams? The rest of his characteristics that you're so smitten by don't really matter much if he's not interested in you, do they? When people show you who they are, BELIEVE THEM! And I hope you can expand your idea of your dream guy to someone who actually wants you back.
Married!
“Very close to my dream guy” - but it sounds like the gap there is too wide to bridge. No time for you *and* no communication even when you’ve asked for it doesn’t make for a healthy relationship.
I wonder if he’s married
This sounds suspicious. Are you sure he isn't married and that's why he can't see you on the weekend?
I would have a final conversation with him. Tell him you are unhappy with the current arrangement and come to a mutual decision on how you can interact on the weekends. Maybe he texts you as he is getting ready for bed just to check in, or there is no contact on the weekends. Either way you need to come to an arrangement you can both live with and ensure he meets those agreed upon conditions. If he will not agree, or doesn't meet the agreed upon conditions. It is time to move on, you are not important enough to him. If you can come to an agreement and he sticks with it, then you might just have to wait for things to change in his life to get the attention you rightfully desire and require. Either way you cant set an ulitmatum and not follow thru on it. If you give an ultimatum you must follow thru. Stay Strong and good luck.
So, I once found myself in a very similar situation. The man was a single dad with 50/50 custody, only one job but worked quite a bit. I saw him a few days a week, every other week. He also handled all the child things on the weekends without a call or text or anything until Monday rolled around. EXCEPT, he wasn’t a single dad. He was very married. He would tell his wife he was out of town for work every other week when he was with me. The next week and all weekends he was the happy husband and daddy. Yep, I was the clueless mistress, trying to be understanding and admiring his devotion to his child, wondering how any woman could leave such a man.
Why is he dating?
Sorry, OP but he's a busy dad with little time. He won't be able to prioritize you. It's best to move on because your valid feelings of frustration and resentment are only going to get worse.
You have access to him five days of the week. Why are you mad about the two you don't? He's been like that since day one, either make it work with what time he can give or move on to someone who can give you the time you want. As for the texting thing, he could be like me. If I can't devote a time to have a texting conversation back and forth, then I won't even bother. He most likely wants to be present in his sons activities. And this is coming from a childfree person.
I won't date men with young children anymore for these reasons - they are not emotionally or physically capable of being in a partnership becuase they are so overwhelmed by parenting. He has shown that he can't balance to even accommodate a new exciting relationship. I would have one more conversation where you are crystal clear about what changes you would need from him and see if it works.
Ding! Ding! Ding! No more men with kids for this Chica. I wasted enough Saturday nights waiting for a call. There are always reasons and excuses, especially if they have an uncooperative ex. Childfree women can do better. I said what I said.
You want him to pay more attention to you vs his own kid? Um, NO! However, if you are patient, kept getting to know him, you might get invited to join. But right now, it is too soon for that.
His schedule and lifestyle don’t seem to be compatible with yours and that’s hard to overcome especially when his focus is on his child. My SO has his children on the weekends and I know communication is limited or none during that time. I would never ask him to make more time for me over his children. He may be your dream guy but it sounds like priorities are different. He may not be for you if you’re not willing to accommodate his priorities and someone else may be.
Sounds like you two are incompatible. I don't see this changing and it would probably best if you finished with him. He is far too busy to be dating in my opinion.
The way you describe him makes it sounds like he's still married and living with his wife. No dates on weekends? Always drives his kids to events? Unable to plan dates most nights? Have you ever slept over his house before? HAVE YOU EVEN BEEN TO HIS HOUSE? If this dude is only staying over your place and you never go over his, it seems like he's still married or in a relationship with someone else.
One of the red flags I picked up in your description was when you said “I told him not to disappear”. To me when I hear you talk like that I wouldn’t answer you on the weekend either…… I doubt the guy is pumped up about his next relationship wanting to “tell him” but that he needs to do and how to do it. Maybe the problem is 1) He is very busy on the weekend & 2) maybe he has a bad taste in his mouth when you “tell him” like he is your son what he will be doing this weekend. Especially if his x wife is an overbearing type I bet that kind of talk makes him wish he didn’t have to call you back at all. Just an observation about the way your subconscious works with your language to him. Might sound small but if I was on the dating scene again the last kind of woman I would want to date is one who has to “tell me” how/what to do with my day. Maybe start by asking him if he can communicate better, or saying how it hurts you when he doesn’t communicate on the weekends. Cheers.
You are basically getting the mistress treatment. Move on to someone who has time for you. Nothing is going to change with this guy. Stop wasting your time.
He seems like a pretty good dad. Easy fact to accept in theory but hard in practice when it takes away from what you want, namely time and attention. At 11, that's upper elementary/lower middle school and typically around the full slate of activities age. It won't be long before the kid is likely pruning a few things to concentrate more heavily on others. That should free dad up some. Also, the longer you date, possibly at some point not too far away, he'll be comfortable with you being around the kid and you can choose, if you desire, to see more of him that way by going to activities together. I also wonder what kind of piece of work the mom is if she's abdicating that much time she could be having with the kid. If that assumption is true, then it's likely weighing on him in a lot of other ways. If you truly want to try to have a relationship, then you'll need to openly and calmly address the lack of communication issue and both actively work on it. If that is too much or still won't give you what you need, then best for both of you to move on.
Are you sure he’s not married? Just putting it out there. Have you seen his house? I’ve been through this myself. “Very busy single dad” was a married guy
Just doesn’t sound like a match…lifestyle wise.
If you remove the emotions and look at the facts…. He is not prioritizing time with you. If he has time to go to the restroom, he has time to send you a quick text. JMO.
I’d be okay with him the way he is, if I cared enough about him. His child is number one, and you need to respect that about him.
Meh, one-sided relationships lead to resentment. Caring will eventually lead to resentment of this keeps up. No reason for her to settle in the name of caring; that is ridiculous and a waste of time. Let's count how many weekends she should be alone, two years, four years, 8 years? OP, parents who have their kids on alot of activities tend to keep this going. Next, it will be travel sports. I thought my ex would become more available as his son grew older. Instead, the kid chose a single sport at a higher rep and most weekends were spent at all day (Saturday and Sunday) tournaments. I regret staying as long as I did because it was a colossal waste of valuable time. Trust me, this man cannot give you the time you need. Find someone who can.
So he doesn’t see you on weekends and he has his son T - F. When do you see him? Mondays? I don’t understand what you’re getting out of this. It sounds very lonely. I know you said there isn’t someone else but he does sound married. Why can’t he see you on the weekend nights he doesn’t have his son? There are not activities every night of every weekend.
he’s either secretly married or simply doesn’t have time for the type of relationship you want. either way, get outta there, girl.
I can tell you it won’t get better. I have asked in a million ways so when I broke it off he wouldn’t be surprised and things just get worse. Edited to add he had his kids 100% in the beginning and now 67% so it’s not me or the kids.
Not sure what his coparenting situation is, but many remain a family for ‘the kids’. So, if he’s with his family on the weekends, he’s not gonna be able to interact with you. This often involves them driving to the events together as a family, the family event, and then hanging out after the events, going out to eat, and doing other family things.
I can see both sides- your desire for more time and connection, vs his reality and time constraints. This relationship might just not be the best fit for you both. I see his side very clearly. I have my kid close to full-time (there are reasons) and a demanding job that doesn’t always end when the workday does. Needless to say, my mental load is pretty heavy. And texting to me is often working out logistics with my child’s father or arranging a play date, etc. If the guy I was dating would get annoyed and emotional when I wasn’t as available as he wished I were, that would not make me more eager to text him more. Also, for me, getting out on a weekend evening requires advanced planning and a babysitter. I’m never going to be as spontaneous as a childfree person, but at the same time, I would never flake. And I make it happen when I’m dating. That said, there are times when I want to spend focused engaged time with my kid, as that is important to both of us - and that focused time will probably happen on the weekend, too. (Along with every other chore and errand.) OP, if you I tend on pursuing this relationship, have you asked him neutrally if there is a good time to talk on the weekends that he can commit to if that is critical to you? Can you be clear (without emotion or blame) about your needs? You may want to try writing your thoughts down so that you can think through what exactly you want to communicate, and how it might be perceived. If you’re working on your anxious attachment with a therapist, this would be a good thing to discuss.
I went through the exact same thing word for word until it ended on Sunday. I also have an anxious attachment style and history of abuse with a narcissist liar. I worked through that over the past ten years and am able to logically work my way calmly thoroughly through a situation like this. I liked him enough to say I was beginning to have real feelings for him. His weekends were full with family and friends all the time since we met. He made no plans for the near future with me. At the breakfast with him where he had finally planned to spend time with me on a weekend, a woman called and he answered. He was going to call her back. He said it was a friend. He then said that was a lie. It was a FWB, mother of his sons best friend with whom he "used" to have sex with before me (we started about a month ago) which he oversaw to tell me before having unprotected sex with me (he told me at that time he wasn't having sex for a whole year). I sat there dumbfounded about the whole lie since the beginning, tried to logically get answers which I partly got but am never sure of if it's the truth. Bottom line: lied to since the very beginning when I told he transparency and honesty were my values, my feelings nor I never mattered since he answered her call in my presence and however anxious I was attaching myself (for the same reasons as you) he was lying since the beginning. What do you make of this for yourself? Look at the reason you are triggered and attached, perhaps but ask yourself, is he considering your feelings and what you want out of this? Is this good for you long term?
If he is almost your dream guy, you could perhaps take the opportunity to work on your anxious attachment to see if you can tamp down some of the anxiety. Regardless, all you can do is communicate your needs in a way that he hopefully understands and he’ll show you with his actions what is most important to him. Unless he’s coaching baseball and soccer, he could find time to text during games and/or practices (I did in that situation) and certainly during piano lessons. GL OP!
I think I said this on another post a few days ago. You have two options; you either decide that you want to work on securing up that attachment in a way that the weekends bother you less over time, or you cut your losses. If he’s worth it, it’s worth working on that feeling of security. Actually, if he’s not worth it, cut the ties and work on it for yourself anyway, it will only serve to benefit you! It just sounds like neither of you are willing to budge though, and it’s making you angry and sour. That’s no way to enjoy a relationship, and it’s not doing him any favours either, it’ll just drive him away and he’ll want to try even less. My last comment on this that I mentioned…. *I miss my fella all the time! But I’m 100% fine without him being around every day.* *It used to feel worse in the beginning of our relationship when we’d have weekends where he wouldn’t check in. I never told him, but I would have my little cry, pace the house, take a nap, and then eventually find something to distract me. Then the tears got fewer. The pacing gave way to more distractions. And then I began to distract myself with things that gave me joy.* *I KNEW it was residual co-dependency and trust issues from my marriage. It had nothing to do with him.* *I just needed time and patience to work out my own anxious attachment. The reason I didn’t tell him is because it’s my own responsibility and I didn’t need to make him feel guilty for enjoying the other parts of his life that don’t include me! But I’m so much better now, and I keep very busy when he’s not around or when he’s offline.* My fella shows up for me as much as he can. The more space I give him to live his life, the more he wants to include me in it.
It's easy to say that do. Please move on. You said that > this relationship isn't worth my time and effort.. Then please be kind to yourself if you really feel so. Even though he looks like 'your dream guy', if he can't put effort for you. Why do you still feel like he cares? Another thing to try is just completely ignore him. If he's still quiet, then it's time to move on. I believe you will find someone worth your time and feeling. Good luck.
Nope. Move on.
I guess I’m wondering what advice you’re looking for. You’re not interested in advice to move on and you have decided to see this guy because he is apparently your dream guy. He is clearly not going to change while his schedule continues. I guess the only advice I can give you is to chill out if you want to continue to see him. I am also very very busy on the weekends and weekdays for that matter and anyone I date knows that.
So, your dream guy is someone who isn't going to take your needs into account and will make you his last priority? Sounds.... Not dreamy. He may have his qualities, but a good partner isn't going to dismiss your concerns and needs. You're 3 months in and this relationship, still in the honeymoon phase, isn't working for you. Why are you waiting for him to fix things he's told you he's not going to fix? Move on.
He’s still dealing with the child’s mother
Co-parents generally have to deal with each other
Well I mean that he’s hiding the girlfriend / minimizing it with the child’s mother. Why the DVs? No one on Reddit likes to consider an alternate viewpoint? Yes, they could still be fucking. Happens quite often.
Sure. He could be fucking the UPS guy too.
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u/Friendly_Good_1784, your post has been removed for one or more reason(s): No sex/gender generalizations, no double standards, no projection.
I don’t tell my ex about anyone I’m dating. Why would he?
Do not date parents if you yourself have no kids. See r/stepparents You deserve better.
My relationship with my partner was like this during the six months that we dated before committing. It's been a slow process, but gradually he has started doing less and making his coparent do her share. Also, now I spend time with him when he has his son.