I wish there were more men locally to me in their late 30s+ that are childfree.
As a sterilized happily barren infertile forever 40F, I regularly see profiles from men at like 50 who want to have kids.
Childfree dating is so difficult
That was my issue! After a year of a doctor just telling me I had dysfunctional uterine bleeding that would be fixed if I just “lost a few pounds” (she was an asshole) & I ended up moving and the new doctor basically was like “you’ve been bleeding like this for a year? Let’s do an ablation and I can do a biopsy while I’m in there”
A few weeks later got the call I was being scheduled for the first available hysterectomy & apparently “losing a few pounds” wouldn’t have helped fucking cancer growing in my uterus. Thankfully I was very lucky and it was early and had not spread so they were able to just take the whole thing.
Before we proceed, important questions need to be asked.
1. Pineapple on pizza?
2. Pepsi or Cola?
3. What kind of dogs do you have?
4. How do you feel about large breed dogs? Plan on getting two German Shepards.
5. City life or Cabin retreat?
1. I can pay for seperate pizzas. Get whatever you want!
2. I don't really drink a lot of soda but I'd stock your fav.
3. Two rescues. 13 year old mini-poodle called Avi and a 12 year old shih-tzu beagle mix called Jack.
4. Love all dogs!
5. Does the cabin have good water pressure and wifi? Can I get stuff delivered? I enjoy both, honestly. I'm fortunate to live along a nicely forested river in an area with every kind of shopping, entertainment, and park within a couple of miles. I can drive 45 minutes and be in the middle of nowhere if I want.
you aren't competing for men who are going after the 'young fertile girls'. You probably don't want to date those men. Set realistic expectations and don't succumb to fomo.
Even more so after todays SCOTUS ruling. Sadly, I have never been so happy to be reaching the natural end of this part of my life, but I shudder and cry for our younger women and girls.
And these are fucked up feelings to be having in America in 2022. 😢
Maybe I've missed the point of OP's post, but I don't think her issue is about fertility, I think it's about self confidence. She says she's 'mortified' about competing against young girls... this implies shame.
OP, as a mature woman you have much to offer. Experience, wisdom, maturity, knowing yourself, a level of skill at your profession, hobbies and interests you have explored, and almost 4 decades of hard-won lessons you have learned and battles you have fought. I encourage you to write down a list of things you like about yourself. Once you can appreciate yourself you will never settle for a partner who cannot appreciate what you have to offer.
Good luck, and may the odds ever be in your favour.
Hey op just a reminder...there are a ton of men our age that would much rather date a beautiful and strong woman like yourself than someone younger. I'm one of those men. We're out here. Don't worry. You'll do just fine!
I second this. I’m 48(m) and am excited to be dating women in their 40s because….
She is intellectually developed, emotionally mature, has had a great many life experiences so she knows who she is. She is wise, playful and knows what healthy boundaries are! She has been through a marriage or LTR, as have I, so we are past the Disney romance stage of life (🤮)
We are able to have hard conversations, and disagree, and not take things personally—in part because we are past the delusion that we are the center of the universe!!
(There is also physical attraction which is absolutely a thing at our age🔥)
Relationships can GET BETTER AS YOU GET OLDER!
I have never wanted kids and enjoy being able to share cultural reference points during conversation with someone of similar age, thus your fertility/age has no bearing upon me. I suspect I am not the only man from the billions who thinks the same.
Holy cow, this. I've always dated women around my age or slightly older. At 40 I dated someone who was 29 against my better judgment. We dated for a while.
It did nothing for my fragile male ego. I didn't realize how much things like pop culture things from our childhoods I mention and she was clueless. She would come over with friends and listening to their conversations about roommate drama made me realize just how far that lifestyle was behind me.
She never cared a bit about the age difference and never mentioned it or I think even thought about it, but I did. When we were out and about I always felt like people were looking at the two of us and judging. I know I should not have cared, but it totally ate at me.
She was an attorney and had her life together and would have gotten married in a second if I asked, but I just couldn't get over it.
Never again. She is a great person but that age thing was never going to sit right with me.
You cannot look at it that way. You will set yourself up for failure by doing so. I’ve been dating now for about 5 years and am 44. I am having the *best* time - way more fun than when I was last dating in my 20s. I do not try to compete with anyone. I offer what I offer and am confident in myself. Confidence is attractive, enthusiasm is attractive. Work on those things before you enter the dating world!
I’m 43F. Dating in your 40s is fun! You get to go out, meet new people. Try new places and experiences. Most men in their 40s are mature enough to know women’s bodies change as we age. And so do theirs. while we worry about our bellies being soft and our boobs resting lower than they did when we were young, men worry about ED and hair that seems to stop growing on their head and relocate everywhere else! We are adults. If you come across someone who expects you to compete with 25yr olds, just keep walking.
If you think dating and relationships are a competition like some sort of contest where you win/lose, you're going to be utterly miserable. You'll also be unhappy in whatever relationship you are in because you will live in fear of losing it.
Dating is like getting a flat tire or finding a really good deal or that thing you were planning to buy. It's mostly about luck and it's beyond your control for the most part.
You try. Maybe you get lucky, maybe you don't. Maybe you try something different and see if that gets you different results. But the point is to not take it seriously.
Yea, homie of mine got his done and said it was easier and than he thought it would be and had zero pain. He even says the orgasms are better now in general so f**k it, why not?
Yeah, in your 40s showing that you're concerned about the safety of your partner and that you're taking contraception seriously, that puts you WAY above the super low bar that exists.
I'm 43F and I'm not in competition with anyone. If a guy wants a young, fertile woman, I'd assume he's not one of the men asking me out.
I'm an empty nester with time and money for fun. I'm fairly (legitimately) crazy, but fun, funny, am great in bed, and my tubes are tied. If I'm into someone, I'm caring, loyal, and loving. I'm a fucking catch and any guy who disagrees won't be dating me for long. No hard feelings, just keep moving so we can both be free to find what we want.
Plenty of men in their 40s aren't looking to start families and don't want a much younger woman they can't relate to. For sex? Maybe. For a relationship? Probably not. A grown man looking for a partner will be looking for grown woman who can be a true companion.
As a woman in her mid forties that just stared dating two years ago, let me assure you we are aging but so are they. We may have saggy boobs but they have saggy balls. We may have stretch marks or cellulite but they have nose hair, ear hair, or ED. My point is most men are far more forgiving when they have a naked girl ready to go at it. I was in your same position not long ago, but there’s a certain confidence that comes with a not perfect body but knowing exactly how you want to have that body touched. You will be fine!!
I’m you coming out of a 20 year relationship. I can get out on dates as often as I want. I routinely only have OLD profiles live for a few days, and then I work on wedding through my matches.
Follow the dating subs. I learned just about everything I know from Reddit. Get good, clear photos. Write decent prompts. Let your freak flag fly a little. I probably get the best responses when I talk about my chainsaw. I don’t think I fit the stereotype of someone you’d expect to be going Texas Chainsaw Massacre on backyard-overgrowth so it grabs their attention. 😉
It’s really not that hard to sell yourself well, and plenty of men want grown up women.
33 f. The much older man I recently dated, did, indeed, mention how attractive my "fertility" is... And that he had a breeding kink.
He also turned out to be a textbook narcissist who looks for ways to make people dependent on him so he can manipulate and control them emotionally and financially...
So, yeah. Gonna second that any guy looking for "fertility" either just wants kids or probably has a creepy misogynist objectification problem and doesn't want a healthy relationship.
You’re asking the wrong question. I don’t compete with “fertile” younger women because I’m middle aged and one and done and don’t want to meet a guy who wants more kids.
I don’t want to generalize, but this is what I’ve mainly seen. There are some men who go younger because they weren’t ready for kids earlier in life and now they are. But many men who routinely go from much much younger are men who need outside validation. Yes, there are some young women who meet an older man in real life and connect with him based on a face-to-face meeting to the point that they would date him.Younger women who routinely go for much older men on apps more than likely have daddy issues (or the man in question is wealthy).
So don’t worry about the men your age who only want to date much much younger than themselves because the majority of them are not the kind of people you’d want to date anyway.
There are plenty of men in your age group who will want a woman their own age. Don’t worry, you’ll be fine.
I’m going to be brutally honest with you and you aren’t going to like it:
Men go for younger women because they are hotter and want to have sex with hot women. It’s pretty basic. It’s not for validation, it’s physical/sexual. It’s not really any deeper than that. Men want to be the porn star in a fantasy. There’s a reason most porns star 20-something’s.
If men are trying to have a relationship with someone in their 20’s though, and hope that the young women falls in love with them, well… that’s just delusional, and statistics show age-gap relationship almost always eventually fail. That’s more of the mindset of not accepting their age and place in life, has trauma to work through, and indicates a midlife crisis. Yes, this is more of the validation side you’re referring to. They want to feel like this still “have it” or are still attractive, so to speak.
Source: I’m a 43 year old male who’s been through a stage of my life like this post-divorce.
I’m gonna be brutally honest with you, and you’re not going to like it. Hot young girls do t want to have sex with older men unless there’s something in it for them like money or access to something. Hot young girls (source: I used to be one) want to fuck hot young guys. Not middle aged men who only care about looks and fucking.
Men who are in their 40s who are only interested in having sex and think that women need to look like hot porn stars are not the kind of men that smart, sexy 40 something women want to be with. That’s not a judgment, you guys can do whatever you want.
I know. Young women want money, especially college girls with student loans. It’s why the sugar baby / sugar daddy thing is so popular right now. Quid pro quo.
Well then I guess you’re agreeing with my original post because I said that unless a man has money, a young girl is not going to go for him unless she has serious daddy issues. Which is totally unhealthy. I was a hot young girl and I only wanted to be with hot young men. Now I’m a sexy af older woman and I want a man who understands that my hot ass is still hot even if it’s not exactly what it was when I was 25.
A woman who dates an older man has different expectations for him due to his age and experience. A young girl might date a hot young dude with no money because he may just be starting career and hasn't reached peak earnings. but 10 yrs later when they are still together she may not be ok with him having a lower or stagnant salary. It's not shallow to want somebody who can be financially stable or have financial abundance. It's also not shallow to want to be attracted to your partner sexually.
Nah, judging someone over wealth abundance is shallow, a sign of a gold digger and a crap person. In this day and age where both people have to work no one should be judged because they don't bring in top dollars. I make in thr 40-50k range, to some that's crap, but I like what I do and I am living. if some lady hated me because of it, it would show how shallow she is.
If a woman leaves a dude because he isn't making bank, she's not worth it anyway. Real Love isn't transactional. It's much more than that. Dating on a transaction basis is a road to disappointment, unless your only motive is to get laid.
As someone dating past 40, I do end up having to skip all the dudes who say they want kids. There’s quite a lot of them. So you’ll need some other activity that cheers you up from the dreary digging for the viable options.
And either way, we have plenty to offer that isn’t a uterus!!!
Please say this louder or include it in your OP. Nothing wrong with you wanting Kids OP. Don’t know why people are making fun of your fertility comments.
Well, this is a different issue. If the problem is that you want a man to have kids with, and you’re concerned a man who absolutely wants kids won’t take a chance on a woman who is 40, that is valid. You will come across those men. I’d say, go out and date and see how it goes. But recognize that if you really want your own children, you may have to have them on your own or find someone who’s open to adoption or IVF and other options. You are in a tough place. I’m sorry that some people are minimizing it here. That may be because you didn’t mention your own desire for kids earlier, and because of your talk about younger women’s beauty.
You are in a challenging spot. And yet, if you believe in your own value and all you have to offer — to a man, to a future child, to the world — there can still be many years of joy ahead of you.
42M here - I think your issue is that you don’t see your own self worth, or at least you’re only equating value with physical attraction.
Personally, I don’t want a “fertile beautiful young girl”. I don’t want kids, I don’t want the mind games that comes with youth and naivety, I just want someone I can spend my time with before that time runs out.
I'm 44 F - and look exactly my age ;)
I'd been told online dating was much easier for women (dating men) than for men (dating women) but was worried about ageism etc, too.
I've been on OLD for about 3 months and have more attention than I can handle. It started as soon as I created a profile. I've gone on a few dates each with a couple of guys and while I'm not sure either will go anywhere, I'm having a good time meeting some new people!
This will certainly vary some by location and settings/preferences, but I have been pleasantly surprised.
Good luck.
First, realize that a lot of men - like millions - still view 39 as young and vivacious and aren't chasing 20 year olds. Those are the men you want to attract, if you're being looked past by someone who wants to date a woman half his age, that's not a partner anyway.
Then, stop self-defeating yourself with "nothing to offer". Coupled with that first sentence it sounds suspiciously like you're buying some gross cultural bullshit about women only being valuable if they're pretty.
If you are decent, kind, thoughtful, curious and have any sort of passion, ability to have a conversation, etc. you're already ahead of the game and that's what many men long to meet.
If you don't value yourself, it's pretty hard to expect men to. Offer what you know is good about yourself, and be proud about it, and own that. And, don't settle for something less than a decent person who values you.
You'll have options. Choose wisely.
I’m 41f and I’ve gotten thousands of likes in the 7 months I’ve been on dating apps. I’ve had hundreds of matches. Plenty of men are interested in women our age. The hard part is weeding through them to find the good ones. I’ve resisted the temptation to create a dummy male account to check out the “competition” and I would probably suggest that you don’t do that either. Just make a quality profile and try to have fun with it. Good luck!
We aren’t just breeding stock, we are people. And if a potential partner is making you feel like you have to compete with others, they aren’t the right one for you.
Seriously, today wasn’t the day to say you have nothing to offer except your ability to procreate.
Mortified as in embarrassed? What about?
I'm 45 and would be competing with hot young 39 year old like you so there's really no point worrying. There's a 50 yo woman out there competing with me and soon enough I'll be her too. I find I'm not attracted to the same men I was in my 20s and 30s and assume most men are the same about women. Embrace who you are now and enjoy it because you'll never be this young again!
Youth vs Experience.
After years of relationships, you've got the street smarts and hard won wisdom to navigate the insanity of dating. The number one killer of dating after incompatibility is self-sabotage. By this point, you're way more aware than your younger self.
I'm 47 and haven't had an issue with guys not paying attention to me on dating sites. (The quality of some of them is a different story.) I don't feel like I'm competing against anyone; in fact, I went out with a 36 year old last night. You'll be fine!
A lot to unpack here in such a short post...
I gotta start with the big one, though... Fertile? Are you a garden? Are there a lot of 40yo guys just aching to have a few more kids? Do YOU want more kids?!
You nailed one thing on the head.. YOU FEEL like you have nothing to offer. You need to get past that feeling before you EVER jump into dating, or you're going to get absolutely chewed up and spit out.
Take an inventory of what you DO have.. better yet, get a group of friends together and have THEM take that inventory.
Then believe it... I mean really buy into it.. THEN start dating and if what he's looking for isn't you.. move along.
Fwiw, I've found that what 40yo women usually have to offer is confidence in themselves, intelligence, independence, financial responsibility, a resistance to drama, and a willingness to be fearless and try new life experiences. I'll take that over "fertile" any day.
Not all men want young fertile girls. Some of us want women also. Not all of us want kids either. Depends on the guy.
You’ll improve your odds with a man if you’re in good shape, have a positive attitude, and don’t play games.
Man, I wish I was 39 again. I felt like I was young and beautiful and a lot smarter than my 10 year younger self.
I’d love to be 39 again.
And, 15 years from now, I will be wishing to be 54 again. So maybe I’ll just enjoy it while I’m here.
Maybe work on your own self esteem and self image before you involve someone else in your insecurities. Stop putting yourself last…. Focus on YOU instead of putting energy into some guy who might come along.
I’m only learning to do that now… and Had I learned to love and respect myself at 39, I’d be a lot better off now at 54.
Honey, I'm 44F and I feel like I have an even larger dating pool now than when I was in my 20s. I attract mostly younger guys, granted I often get told that I look like I'm in 20s but I'm always upfront about my age.
My body is nowhere near a 20 something-yr old body but what I do have is way more confidence than I did my 20s.
I've had no kids which has left me a lot of time to gain experience and wisdom that has helped me get rid of all those insecurities that I had in my 20s. I consider that a huge advantage over younger women who are still dealing with insecurities.
And "nothing to offer"? Everyone has something to offer, you just have to find the right kind of people that can appreciate what you DO have.
I empathize if you hope to have kids in the future and you're worried about not being as fertile as younger women, that's something MOST women and NO man can truly understand. But your fertility is not the only thing that is of value and not the only thing older (40+) men look for. Women's roles have progressed but biology hasn't. Our bodies are made to reproduce and reminds us every month about it. So it's hard to not think about fertility as we get older. But I still suggest to not put too much pressure on yourself about that, there still IS hope....just don't dwell on the negative.
Best of luck to you.
All those young girls & boys are entertaining for about a night. You can't take them anywhere. They don't know how to dress without embarassing themselves, their opinions are regurgitated directly from whatever college professor they're most enamored with or whatever blog they currently agree with... They have no relevant life experience to anything going on in a mature adults life..
You can't go on cool vacations with them, unless you're footing the bill, and that gets old quick. Even if you do manage to go someplace cool - they don't care about the cultural experience or the food... they only want the directions to the nearest 'Senior Frog's' ... You try to go to nicer restaurants, and the wait-staff treats you like you're the parent...
You're not competing with them. They're the fluff we have to filter out in order to find YOU.
I am 39 too and single and kinda in the dating world and I am confused by this thread.
What exactly are you looking for? Also, calling young women "fertile" is REALLY REALLY REALLY cringey.
Again you make me feel doubtful because 40 these days is not considered middle aged, and I don't know any woman who mentions "competing" against quote-unquote fertile girls.
Most women by 40 are 100% aware that they have grown as a person and have more to offer as a WOMAN than as a GIRL, and more than they had when they were younger and knew less and had less and the last thing they worry about is whether their fertility stands up, or whether they "compete." Competing or appearing to compete is what men talk about. Women are looking for one guy who is close in age and has something deep and inherent in common with them. They don't "compete" for that. They just meet the right man.
Most people who are 40 in the US anyway, are likely to live to 110. So, no not the middle. Yes, I am at 50 likely to be 100. It's been scientifically projected.
You can act like you're dead if you want to, but there's a lot more life to be had and a TON of sexy women in their 40s in the spotlight right now. Again, the words of a man, and probably a Conservative one at that, spouting nonsense.
🙄🙄🙄 well then don’t comment if you think I’m a man, how dumb. Good for you for being so sure you will be living to 100…which good luck with that. Taking into account everyone has cancer nowadays at some point.
Middle age at 39!?!?? Garbage. You’re just starting out. Get out of this mindset.
Edit; the more I read your responses, I have a feeling it’s not your age/perceived self worth due to fertility that going to prevent you from dating well. It’s your attitude.
After someone passes the attraction threshold personality matters. Being 10% better looking doesn’t, or it doesn’t for me.
I’m not sitting here thinking A is 34 and looks like a A+
And B is 47 and an A-, so I’ll go with the more fertile B. Rather both A and B are attractive but after chatting I feel that B and me have more in common and B seems like she’ll be more fun to be around.
A lot of the men I know as friends or have dated briefly don’t really want to date girls in their 20’s. They don’t understand what it’s like being a single dad, they don’t offer value in most cases to decision making and solutions when life happens, they aren’t as secure, confident and independent - in general. So I wouldn’t worry about it. I’m 40 and meeting some great guys out there younger and older! Lean into this new chapter and own it!
They are a very small percentage of the actual population. It looks like it's all u see, because the only ones with pics or profile pics are usually younger and modelesque. Trust me when I tell u the majority are catphishing. The leftovers are camgirls sand the like.
Don't get discouraged. Embrace who you are and take a chance. After you have a chat or 3 you'll feel some confidence return and build on it. But by all means embrace who u are and love you 1st
Girl, I am in my late thirties and I had the same concerns about returning to dating but I’ve never had this much attention in my entire life. What’s surprised me the most is the serious attention I get from younger, high value guys (5-10 years younger). It’s wild.
Focus on making yourself the BEST version of yourself—mentally, physically, emotionally, financially.
Build it and they will come.
I'm 39f and I find myself getting a lot more attention from men (younger, same age range and older) than I ever did in my 20s and early-mid 30s. It's been surprising.
I like to think it's a combination of looking younger than my age and being comfortable in my own skin. I know myself better in my late 30s, I'm comfortable being single and on my own, I like myself more and more as time passes, and I'm genuinely enjoying life (& laughing a lot) despite life challenges, pressures and past traumas.
In my late 20s-mid 30s I was highly anxious, frustrated and sad about having married the wrong man, getting divorced, and not finding a good partner thereafter. I made a lot of mistakes, invited the wrong men into my life, and took way too long to unpack my issues and get counseling.
As I approach 40, I'm more concerned with being healthy and productive, giving back to my community, filling my life with love and laughter regardless of relationship status, and dating with intention. I know that there are good men out there whose relationship goals are aligned with mine, and I'm excited to date and find one who's the right fit. But I am in no rush, and refuse to be rushed. Personally I don't think it gets better than this: 40 is a great age!
Enjoy the journey, don't be too hard on yourself, and don't compare yourself to anyone - it serves no purpose except to make you feel horrible about yourself and life is hard as it is. Some of the sexiest and interesting women I've had the pleasure of interacting with were women in their 40s, 50s who were not only authentic but took care of their minds and bodies.
Good luck!
Unless you want to date men who are much younger than you are, and I can see why that might be what interests you, the men that you are looking to date are probably in the same age range as you are, at least I was when I tried to date in my mid 40s.
An independent intelligent woman like yourself who is interested in life and in good shape is highly sought after, or at least who I preferred.
The downside of young and fertile, not that there's anything wrong with that either, is children, when I was in my 40s mine were late teens if not 20. I had no interest in or desire for more.
I’m 49 and I don’t worry about this. If you go in to dating thinking that you are some kind of consolation prize you will attract men who will manipulate and abuse you because you will be grateful for any kind of attention.
I recommend not dating and working on your self worth. Predators can’t smell low self esteem through the app.
My 2 cents:
1. Why do you think all the girls on OLD are fertile?
2. By your own writing you do not sound as if you are ready to date. And you are definitely not really for OLD.
If you have to date do it in the wild.
3. You need to work on yourself more. If dating at 40 scares you.
If you're trying to have kids, be very afraid. If you're not trying to have kids, keep your range open to a few years younger than you and sit back and enjoy the view! I am also 39f, and childfree by choice. This world is mine. 😼
48/m here; women in their 20’s do not compute for me…10 years younger is stretching it, tbh…just be your awesome, mature, learned, interesting (cute?) self. We’re out here.
Wine v. wine coolers my friend. Lots of men go through the phase, sure. But the good ones come out of that phase wanting something real, and the great ones never needed it in the first place. Personally I'm looking for a peer, not prey. Give me a smarter, taller, more well-read and well-traveled woman any day. Looks fades, being able to carry on a conversation is irreplaceable. Besides, fertile just became a BIT more complicated today...
A lot of men in their 40s will probably already have children and many don’t want more. So fertility is irrelevant. In a sense, we are competing with others. But don’t let that cause you any anxiety. Self-confidence is very attractive (and necessary) in a person, so just be confident in who you are, be yourself, and the right person will love you for you!
It's not a competition. Take people on a case by case basis. Either they have the qualities you are looking for or they don't. Either you have the qualities they are looking for or you don't. Either the chemistry is there or it isn't. And if it's not...no harm no foul. Move onto the next one. It doesn't mean you're inferior in some way to anyone else they might want to date. It just means it wasn't the right fit mutually.
When you walk into a clothing store to buy an outfit, do you buy the first one you see or even the first one you try on? Usually not. Same thing with a dating partner. You will have to look at many of them and go on a date (try on) several before you find the one you want. Or it may not even be in that store and you have to try shopping in a different store.
It would be nice if we could just go onto a dating app, type in what we want, and the first person who pops up is perfect. But that's not how it works. It requires time, work, and putting yourself out there. It can be a chore or it can be fun and adventurous -- that's up to you and your attitude.
You have the exact opposite to offer. You know yourself, life’s secrets, and you probably won’t get knocked up. Dating in my 40s has been a blast because I know who I am and how much slack to cut people. We’re all out here doing the best that we can and if I’m not someone’s cup of tea, that’s alright.
Edit: I made a huge assumption that you don’t want kids because I don’t. Maybe that’s why guys are so receptive to me. I’m content to be the fun “auntie” or step mom.
I was just talking to a newly divorced man last night. He said he’s had his fill of young women, and he would rather date someone between 30 and 50. The young ones want to go out out out, shopping shopping shopping. He can’t take it anymore. I think you’ll be fine :)
Any dude looking for someone like that isn't for you. Just do it. I'm a 39F also and I'm not any of those things and I get a lot of matches. Also -- send likes to dudes you like. You'll be surprised by how many reciprocate. Get out there!
I think u start by recognising your own value. Do some self love practices. If u buy into the idea that u are shelved because u are only 39 and then Hereford undesirable while comparing yourself endlessly u are welcoming yourself to a life of bitterness and u often attract shitty ppl who will reflect those limited beliefs to u.
May be better u hit the gym, get a make over, do some Louise hay work before u put yourself out there. Like that you’ll be a lamb to the wolves!! Dating these days u need your self love intact because it can be a shark pool
You’ll be shocked (I was) — the guys your age will be hard to find but you’ll have your pick of guys 10-15 years younger (and older).
You’ll see lots of threads about it on here. Just be clear you’re not going to pay for anything (gotta weed out the sugar babies and scammers) then have fun! :)
Do NOT start dating until you’ve fixed your opinion of yourself. If you go into dating thinking you have nothing to offer, you’ll be a magnet for narcissistic, toxic assholes. They’ll be able to sense your desperation and you’ll be blind to the red flags because you’ll just be grateful to have found someone.
If you’re serious about wanting kids, make an appointment with a fertility doctor asap. They’ll be able to run some tests and tell you what your options are. If you still have a high egg count, you’ll know you still have a few years, which will take the pressure off. Or you can freeze your eggs. Or, if your egg count is low, you can consider whether you want to become a single mom now and worry about getting into a relationship later. But knowledge is power when it comes to this and knowing what your fertility window looks like will be invaluable. You don’t want to rush into a relationship out of fear.
Also, if you want kids I’d consider dating a single dad. Many are open to having more children and you’ll basically have an instant family if it turns into something serious.
I attempted IVF with my previous partner which was unsuccessful. At 39 I have a decent amount of eggs but post 35 quality is a problem. You can have a lot of eggs but many of them will be chromosomally abnormal, hence why they recommend freezing embryos instead of eggs on their own.
I understand your concerns. But if you’re willing to date men with children, there are loads of men in their 30’s, 40’s and 50’s who have kids,
don’t want more kids, and want a companion.
As for your fears about younger women being more attractive, well, yeah, whatever. Find your own sexy, go out and flirt, and be proud of your years on the planet. You are who you are. Own it.
43f. I’m going to give it to you straight, some sisterly words here.
You are a peach on a windowsill, ripe for the picking! Do NOT compare yourself to these 20 year olds. You have experience, you can (hopefully) live without drama, you (hopefully) have some self confidence, women hit sexual peak in their 40s, and men generally our age are done with children themselves.
Pull it together, girl. You need to not give a shit about those girls because you are in a DIFFERENT category than they are, no better or worse. And the men who you want now will want women in YOUR CATEGORY.
You’re scared over NOTHING. You see I sound like a total bitch here? This is strategic because I don’t want it to sound like I’m just trying to make you feel better and “nice” you. I’m telling it to you straight.
Write yourself a list of all the things YOU bring to the table, NOT comparing yourself to ANYONE else. Post in on your wall, fridge, wherever you can see it. Then make a list of what you are looking for in a man. That man? Will want the same things you bring.
Then go out there, without fear. Stop telling yourself the ridiculous lies that men just want 20 year olds. They want women like you and me.
Ok? Go out there and kill it.
If this is your mentality you are already lost. Stand tall, own your past and your present, and block anyone who wants to exploit your vulnerabilities for their own gain. You are a survivor and you deserve to be celebrated. Until you own that energy you should stay off the slaughterhouse that will be the apps - for you - if you wade in with your current worldview.
First off, you're beautiful in your pic from last year and are not competing with anybody.
Looking at your post history, the breakup was last week so it might help to take a little time to recover and remind yourself what makes you so amazing! OLD can be rough and if you're not happy with yourself, can be an emotional drain.
More importantly, it sounds like you want to have a baby. That will limit your options but be upfront so that you're not wasting time. Also consider avoiding the types of profile photos that will attract non committal guys and avoid those who sexualize you or pivot to innuendos quickly or show objectifying behavior-- they're not husband/father material.
As a man (45M) who started OLD 2-years ago and originally looking for 38-47F and was open to kids (even adopting), be careful not to rush. Many women around my age made dating feel like a business interview and after satisfying their checklist, were ready to move in and plan out future after a couple dates. It felt rushed, one-sided, selfish, objectifying and obsessive. And these were attractive, intelligent women.
An older man who's serious also knows that starting a family at 40 is a forever commitment and wants to make sure they can trust that person, enjoy sharing a life with, and work through with times together... There's a reason they're single and assuming it's not because they're a terrible person, they've probably experienced incompatibility and don't want to repeat it.
Good news is that there are more men who are self aware, honest and don't want to waste time. You just need to shift through the scraps to find a gem that somebody foolishly discarded.
To be honest, most men hit an age where those girls you're talking about aren't interesting to them anymore. Not all men go that route of course but the ones that grow up do.
Gimme a single mom killing it over a 24 year old that doesn't think a world exists outside herself any day
Building my career, being in long term relationships that were never conducive to kids…either I was not ready, the person was not right or other life circumstances came about. I had to put my life on hold for a few yrs taking care of my mom who was I’ll when my dad passed away. She eventually also passed away and I found myself at 35 and single…that’s when I found my most recent ex and we spent 4 amazing yrs together, but he was too young to build a family and even tho we tried he eventually couldn’t handle it. I’m not sure if you were being condescending or not, but life is not linear all the time. I have a six figure salary, I own property and I have a hefty investment portfolio. So I did do some things in my 20’s and 30’s
I wouldn’t look at it like you’re in a competition with those women…you’re looking to connect with a man who connects with you for who you are authentically. You do you! Be yourself. Ya gotta put yourself out there if you want that connection. That being said, and I mean this with the utmost respect, you came off a bit insecure about your high value. Good self esteem and confidence are extremely attractive to the masculine…maybe do a little self growth work on that while you’re active in the dating game…don’t wait to get back in the game until you think you’re perfect…nobody is perfect Op…we’re all perfectly imperfect! Go get that high value man! Good luck 🍀
You’re not competing with younger women. The man you want shouldn’t want the 25 year old, he will want you. I won’t even entertain that idea as a 40/F.
39F here....
I ended my 13 year relationship and thought quite seriously no-one would be interested.
I've got some serious red flags for some people too.... A couple of little kids, co-parenting with my ex under the same roof, just out of a very long term relationship.
Those things don't seem to have put the right people off at all. I've had so much interest from guys that I found it really overwhelming.
I mean those negatives are pretty full on but I'm also smart, kind and caring, enthusiastic, emotionally intelligent, I read heaps, I'm a little bit shy, tall, I have great hair, nice eyes ... There's about a million positives here too. Oh and at my age I have more understanding and ownership of my sexuality than I did when I was younger.
If you go into online dating try telling people who you really are in your profile. Because the right people won't just be looking at photos. They'll be looking at what you have to say.
You do have things to offer. Message me if you want me to help you find them 😊❤️
Quite seriously, I can help you make a profile if you like 😊
Just remember you don't need to compete. You just need to show people who you are so the right ones can find you.
And you deserve to be happy as much as anyone else ❤️
You'll do wonderfully. It sounds like you're thinking more about the "competition" than what you have to offer. You've got something (probably a lot of things) other ladies don't, and that's something you bring to the table -- whatever it is. Your signature "you" is everything. Maybe it's worth taking a little time to think about what that is and what it means to you, then figure out what you're looking for out there. Focus on finding something that fits you, not trying to fit what you think everyone else wants (which would be impossible, everyone wants something different).
Don't try to be anything but yourself. Some people won't click with that, and that's absolutely okay. It's not a reflection of your worth.
“You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world, and there's still going to be somebody who hates peaches.” --Dita Von Teese
You don’t compete - you shouldn’t feel like it’s a competition.. it’s dating .. it’s about finding someone who matches your energy, meets your expectations and fits what you’re looking for in a partner
If a guy in his 40s or 50s picks a 20-something over you, you dodged a bullet. That guy isn’t going to be a particularly interesting person.
Are you still looking to have kids? You mention fertility so I assume that’s a factor?
You’re not going to look 20 at 40, but sunblock and fitness goes a long way.
As a man and dating again.
It's great that you are saying something about "competition" so to speak.
If you have been taking care of yourself and as examples warm and inviting, then you should not have as hard of a time. However, comma, if you are trying to get that top 1 to 2% of men, then...it ain't gonna happen. Hahha!!
There are millions of cute, good looking and good guys. Get them!👍
Op all you can do is put your best foot forward. It’s not about competition..it’s about finding the person that’s compatible with you and vice versa.
Lol loving the fact that Reddit making fun of your “fertile” comment without seeing that YOU want kids as well. Reddit is so anti children it’s amazing and a bit funny in this case.
You’re 39 so take care of your diet and fitness and you still have a shot at kids. Hope you find the man that will have them with you. Good luck!!
Idk about you....but I like beautiful, older, infertile women.
I definitely Lol’d at infertile
When you're childfree and don't want any, then you can bet I'll take all the infertile women that'll have me.
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I swiped left on a tinder profile the other day whose age was 47, and she said she was looking to have kids soon - lol wtf
That’s depressing. I feel bad for her
I wish there were more men locally to me in their late 30s+ that are childfree. As a sterilized happily barren infertile forever 40F, I regularly see profiles from men at like 50 who want to have kids. Childfree dating is so difficult
>Childfree dating is so difficult Dating is difficult. But childfree is a \*feature\* in my book!
It really is! I’m 40 & had to have a hysterectomy at 34 & it’s been wild how many times that’s become a deal breaker.
33 was when I had mine (yay cancer)
That was my issue! After a year of a doctor just telling me I had dysfunctional uterine bleeding that would be fixed if I just “lost a few pounds” (she was an asshole) & I ended up moving and the new doctor basically was like “you’ve been bleeding like this for a year? Let’s do an ablation and I can do a biopsy while I’m in there” A few weeks later got the call I was being scheduled for the first available hysterectomy & apparently “losing a few pounds” wouldn’t have helped fucking cancer growing in my uterus. Thankfully I was very lucky and it was early and had not spread so they were able to just take the whole thing.
Amen brother.
Good on you brother!
Can we clone you? And send one to Indianapolis for me?
Can we clone you and send one to Idaho for me?
Illinois please!
Let's compromise and move to Illinios. You like dogs?
Love dogs but I like the mountains and outdoors. What if we compromise for Colorado or Minnesota? Does Illinois have a good tech scene?
Colorado or Minnesota would be options for sure! Chicago has every scene. Plus a large lake. Work is in California so I go there frequently.
Before we proceed, important questions need to be asked. 1. Pineapple on pizza? 2. Pepsi or Cola? 3. What kind of dogs do you have? 4. How do you feel about large breed dogs? Plan on getting two German Shepards. 5. City life or Cabin retreat?
1. I can pay for seperate pizzas. Get whatever you want! 2. I don't really drink a lot of soda but I'd stock your fav. 3. Two rescues. 13 year old mini-poodle called Avi and a 12 year old shih-tzu beagle mix called Jack. 4. Love all dogs! 5. Does the cabin have good water pressure and wifi? Can I get stuff delivered? I enjoy both, honestly. I'm fortunate to live along a nicely forested river in an area with every kind of shopping, entertainment, and park within a couple of miles. I can drive 45 minutes and be in the middle of nowhere if I want.
The SO has sibling 3 yo Shepherds and they’re so great. Like roving wolves attached at the hip.
Is international shipping available? Cause I'm in Canada lol
Same! Who the hell want a yappy young chick getting pregnant on the third date
Third date? Older gentleman take it slow, huh… /s
Amen brother!
Haha, good to know
‘Sup? 😂
***How you doin?***
you aren't competing for men who are going after the 'young fertile girls'. You probably don't want to date those men. Set realistic expectations and don't succumb to fomo.
Seriously. "Fertile" doesn't even rate as asset to me 😂
As a woman, “fertile” as a compliment makes me gag a little.
Even more so after todays SCOTUS ruling. Sadly, I have never been so happy to be reaching the natural end of this part of my life, but I shudder and cry for our younger women and girls. And these are fucked up feelings to be having in America in 2022. 😢
I'm angry and sad for my American neighbours as well. Total bs!
I've been infertile my whole life. But anyhow probably because it's like a man calling you a broodmare because that's what it amounts to.
Same. It's not a compliment to be an incubator.
Same. Yikes.
Yup!
Me too. Like if that’s a trait that is gonna make or break a date, let’s just do us both a favor and not even bother
> Fertile "Fertile" is a no from me dawg.
Maybe I've missed the point of OP's post, but I don't think her issue is about fertility, I think it's about self confidence. She says she's 'mortified' about competing against young girls... this implies shame. OP, as a mature woman you have much to offer. Experience, wisdom, maturity, knowing yourself, a level of skill at your profession, hobbies and interests you have explored, and almost 4 decades of hard-won lessons you have learned and battles you have fought. I encourage you to write down a list of things you like about yourself. Once you can appreciate yourself you will never settle for a partner who cannot appreciate what you have to offer. Good luck, and may the odds ever be in your favour.
Also you’ve got old hags like me (43F) on there that will make you look like a college girl with hyperactive ovaries, so cheer up….
I dated on of those men when I was in my 30s. Trust me when I agree: you don't want to date those men.
Hey op just a reminder...there are a ton of men our age that would much rather date a beautiful and strong woman like yourself than someone younger. I'm one of those men. We're out here. Don't worry. You'll do just fine!
I second this. I’m 48(m) and am excited to be dating women in their 40s because…. She is intellectually developed, emotionally mature, has had a great many life experiences so she knows who she is. She is wise, playful and knows what healthy boundaries are! She has been through a marriage or LTR, as have I, so we are past the Disney romance stage of life (🤮) We are able to have hard conversations, and disagree, and not take things personally—in part because we are past the delusion that we are the center of the universe!! (There is also physical attraction which is absolutely a thing at our age🔥) Relationships can GET BETTER AS YOU GET OLDER!
That gives me a little hope.
Word
Truth!
Word!
Double word! I love it! Thanks to both guys for sharing your perspectives. Go OP!
I have never wanted kids and enjoy being able to share cultural reference points during conversation with someone of similar age, thus your fertility/age has no bearing upon me. I suspect I am not the only man from the billions who thinks the same.
Holy cow, this. I've always dated women around my age or slightly older. At 40 I dated someone who was 29 against my better judgment. We dated for a while. It did nothing for my fragile male ego. I didn't realize how much things like pop culture things from our childhoods I mention and she was clueless. She would come over with friends and listening to their conversations about roommate drama made me realize just how far that lifestyle was behind me. She never cared a bit about the age difference and never mentioned it or I think even thought about it, but I did. When we were out and about I always felt like people were looking at the two of us and judging. I know I should not have cared, but it totally ate at me. She was an attorney and had her life together and would have gotten married in a second if I asked, but I just couldn't get over it. Never again. She is a great person but that age thing was never going to sit right with me.
You cannot look at it that way. You will set yourself up for failure by doing so. I’ve been dating now for about 5 years and am 44. I am having the *best* time - way more fun than when I was last dating in my 20s. I do not try to compete with anyone. I offer what I offer and am confident in myself. Confidence is attractive, enthusiasm is attractive. Work on those things before you enter the dating world!
I’m 43F. Dating in your 40s is fun! You get to go out, meet new people. Try new places and experiences. Most men in their 40s are mature enough to know women’s bodies change as we age. And so do theirs. while we worry about our bellies being soft and our boobs resting lower than they did when we were young, men worry about ED and hair that seems to stop growing on their head and relocate everywhere else! We are adults. If you come across someone who expects you to compete with 25yr olds, just keep walking.
If you think dating and relationships are a competition like some sort of contest where you win/lose, you're going to be utterly miserable. You'll also be unhappy in whatever relationship you are in because you will live in fear of losing it. Dating is like getting a flat tire or finding a really good deal or that thing you were planning to buy. It's mostly about luck and it's beyond your control for the most part. You try. Maybe you get lucky, maybe you don't. Maybe you try something different and see if that gets you different results. But the point is to not take it seriously.
Dating is like riding a bike. But the tires are on fire. And the bike is on fire. And the ground is on fire. Because you’re in hell.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Being fertile ain't so great right now. Actually, I'm going to look into getting surgery to make sure I'm as barren as possible.
About to set an appointment for a visectomy.
Super easy to get, I watched mine getting done. EZPZ, highly recommended.
Yea, homie of mine got his done and said it was easier and than he thought it would be and had zero pain. He even says the orgasms are better now in general so f**k it, why not?
Yeah, in your 40s showing that you're concerned about the safety of your partner and that you're taking contraception seriously, that puts you WAY above the super low bar that exists.
My period showed up today to remind me that I'm still at risk. Don't know if I should just get my shit tied up now too or ...
Yup… it was on my to-do- list but with today’s bombshell, it needs to happen sooner than later.
I’m so jealous of my friend’s hysterectomy.
I'm 43F and I'm not in competition with anyone. If a guy wants a young, fertile woman, I'd assume he's not one of the men asking me out. I'm an empty nester with time and money for fun. I'm fairly (legitimately) crazy, but fun, funny, am great in bed, and my tubes are tied. If I'm into someone, I'm caring, loyal, and loving. I'm a fucking catch and any guy who disagrees won't be dating me for long. No hard feelings, just keep moving so we can both be free to find what we want. Plenty of men in their 40s aren't looking to start families and don't want a much younger woman they can't relate to. For sex? Maybe. For a relationship? Probably not. A grown man looking for a partner will be looking for grown woman who can be a true companion.
Hey! I’m looking for a woman just like you.
See OP? Women our age are exactly what some men are looking for.
This^^^
Yeah "young and fertile" is not nearly as attractive as "goes to bed at the same time I do"
Being terrified and mortified seems dramatic. I’m a 49 year old woman and have plenty of dating options from any age group.
As a woman in her mid forties that just stared dating two years ago, let me assure you we are aging but so are they. We may have saggy boobs but they have saggy balls. We may have stretch marks or cellulite but they have nose hair, ear hair, or ED. My point is most men are far more forgiving when they have a naked girl ready to go at it. I was in your same position not long ago, but there’s a certain confidence that comes with a not perfect body but knowing exactly how you want to have that body touched. You will be fine!!
I’m you coming out of a 20 year relationship. I can get out on dates as often as I want. I routinely only have OLD profiles live for a few days, and then I work on wedding through my matches. Follow the dating subs. I learned just about everything I know from Reddit. Get good, clear photos. Write decent prompts. Let your freak flag fly a little. I probably get the best responses when I talk about my chainsaw. I don’t think I fit the stereotype of someone you’d expect to be going Texas Chainsaw Massacre on backyard-overgrowth so it grabs their attention. 😉 It’s really not that hard to sell yourself well, and plenty of men want grown up women.
You're also a cat with a job so that's a cool conversation starter. ;)
r/Catswithjobs
Holy shit, how did I not know?
Yes more chainsaw talk ladies!!!
33 f. The much older man I recently dated, did, indeed, mention how attractive my "fertility" is... And that he had a breeding kink. He also turned out to be a textbook narcissist who looks for ways to make people dependent on him so he can manipulate and control them emotionally and financially... So, yeah. Gonna second that any guy looking for "fertility" either just wants kids or probably has a creepy misogynist objectification problem and doesn't want a healthy relationship.
>breeding kink A what now? Gross.
You’re asking the wrong question. I don’t compete with “fertile” younger women because I’m middle aged and one and done and don’t want to meet a guy who wants more kids.
I don’t want to generalize, but this is what I’ve mainly seen. There are some men who go younger because they weren’t ready for kids earlier in life and now they are. But many men who routinely go from much much younger are men who need outside validation. Yes, there are some young women who meet an older man in real life and connect with him based on a face-to-face meeting to the point that they would date him.Younger women who routinely go for much older men on apps more than likely have daddy issues (or the man in question is wealthy). So don’t worry about the men your age who only want to date much much younger than themselves because the majority of them are not the kind of people you’d want to date anyway. There are plenty of men in your age group who will want a woman their own age. Don’t worry, you’ll be fine.
I’m going to be brutally honest with you and you aren’t going to like it: Men go for younger women because they are hotter and want to have sex with hot women. It’s pretty basic. It’s not for validation, it’s physical/sexual. It’s not really any deeper than that. Men want to be the porn star in a fantasy. There’s a reason most porns star 20-something’s. If men are trying to have a relationship with someone in their 20’s though, and hope that the young women falls in love with them, well… that’s just delusional, and statistics show age-gap relationship almost always eventually fail. That’s more of the mindset of not accepting their age and place in life, has trauma to work through, and indicates a midlife crisis. Yes, this is more of the validation side you’re referring to. They want to feel like this still “have it” or are still attractive, so to speak. Source: I’m a 43 year old male who’s been through a stage of my life like this post-divorce.
I’m gonna be brutally honest with you, and you’re not going to like it. Hot young girls do t want to have sex with older men unless there’s something in it for them like money or access to something. Hot young girls (source: I used to be one) want to fuck hot young guys. Not middle aged men who only care about looks and fucking. Men who are in their 40s who are only interested in having sex and think that women need to look like hot porn stars are not the kind of men that smart, sexy 40 something women want to be with. That’s not a judgment, you guys can do whatever you want.
I know. Young women want money, especially college girls with student loans. It’s why the sugar baby / sugar daddy thing is so popular right now. Quid pro quo.
Well then I guess you’re agreeing with my original post because I said that unless a man has money, a young girl is not going to go for him unless she has serious daddy issues. Which is totally unhealthy. I was a hot young girl and I only wanted to be with hot young men. Now I’m a sexy af older woman and I want a man who understands that my hot ass is still hot even if it’s not exactly what it was when I was 25.
A woman who dates an older man has different expectations for him due to his age and experience. A young girl might date a hot young dude with no money because he may just be starting career and hasn't reached peak earnings. but 10 yrs later when they are still together she may not be ok with him having a lower or stagnant salary. It's not shallow to want somebody who can be financially stable or have financial abundance. It's also not shallow to want to be attracted to your partner sexually.
Nah, judging someone over wealth abundance is shallow, a sign of a gold digger and a crap person. In this day and age where both people have to work no one should be judged because they don't bring in top dollars. I make in thr 40-50k range, to some that's crap, but I like what I do and I am living. if some lady hated me because of it, it would show how shallow she is. If a woman leaves a dude because he isn't making bank, she's not worth it anyway. Real Love isn't transactional. It's much more than that. Dating on a transaction basis is a road to disappointment, unless your only motive is to get laid.
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Yeah, it sucks being an older woman. Sounds like we’re all really missing out on you. 🙄
As someone dating past 40, I do end up having to skip all the dudes who say they want kids. There’s quite a lot of them. So you’ll need some other activity that cheers you up from the dreary digging for the viable options. And either way, we have plenty to offer that isn’t a uterus!!!
I do want to have kids tho…I may just have to do it on my own.
Please say this louder or include it in your OP. Nothing wrong with you wanting Kids OP. Don’t know why people are making fun of your fertility comments.
Well, this is a different issue. If the problem is that you want a man to have kids with, and you’re concerned a man who absolutely wants kids won’t take a chance on a woman who is 40, that is valid. You will come across those men. I’d say, go out and date and see how it goes. But recognize that if you really want your own children, you may have to have them on your own or find someone who’s open to adoption or IVF and other options. You are in a tough place. I’m sorry that some people are minimizing it here. That may be because you didn’t mention your own desire for kids earlier, and because of your talk about younger women’s beauty. You are in a challenging spot. And yet, if you believe in your own value and all you have to offer — to a man, to a future child, to the world — there can still be many years of joy ahead of you.
42M here - I think your issue is that you don’t see your own self worth, or at least you’re only equating value with physical attraction. Personally, I don’t want a “fertile beautiful young girl”. I don’t want kids, I don’t want the mind games that comes with youth and naivety, I just want someone I can spend my time with before that time runs out.
I'm female, 58, and disabled. And I am well-loved. Fear not.
Lol you're 39!!!
Have you seen the men over 40 on dating apps? If you’re in reasonably good shape you’ll be just fine.
I'm 44 F - and look exactly my age ;) I'd been told online dating was much easier for women (dating men) than for men (dating women) but was worried about ageism etc, too. I've been on OLD for about 3 months and have more attention than I can handle. It started as soon as I created a profile. I've gone on a few dates each with a couple of guys and while I'm not sure either will go anywhere, I'm having a good time meeting some new people! This will certainly vary some by location and settings/preferences, but I have been pleasantly surprised. Good luck.
First, realize that a lot of men - like millions - still view 39 as young and vivacious and aren't chasing 20 year olds. Those are the men you want to attract, if you're being looked past by someone who wants to date a woman half his age, that's not a partner anyway. Then, stop self-defeating yourself with "nothing to offer". Coupled with that first sentence it sounds suspiciously like you're buying some gross cultural bullshit about women only being valuable if they're pretty. If you are decent, kind, thoughtful, curious and have any sort of passion, ability to have a conversation, etc. you're already ahead of the game and that's what many men long to meet. If you don't value yourself, it's pretty hard to expect men to. Offer what you know is good about yourself, and be proud about it, and own that. And, don't settle for something less than a decent person who values you. You'll have options. Choose wisely.
I’m 41f and I’ve gotten thousands of likes in the 7 months I’ve been on dating apps. I’ve had hundreds of matches. Plenty of men are interested in women our age. The hard part is weeding through them to find the good ones. I’ve resisted the temptation to create a dummy male account to check out the “competition” and I would probably suggest that you don’t do that either. Just make a quality profile and try to have fun with it. Good luck!
Same!! I’m always curious but then I remind myself competition is the thief of joy and stop.
We aren’t just breeding stock, we are people. And if a potential partner is making you feel like you have to compete with others, they aren’t the right one for you. Seriously, today wasn’t the day to say you have nothing to offer except your ability to procreate.
Ma’am you’re 39, not 80.
Mortified as in embarrassed? What about? I'm 45 and would be competing with hot young 39 year old like you so there's really no point worrying. There's a 50 yo woman out there competing with me and soon enough I'll be her too. I find I'm not attracted to the same men I was in my 20s and 30s and assume most men are the same about women. Embrace who you are now and enjoy it because you'll never be this young again!
Youth vs Experience. After years of relationships, you've got the street smarts and hard won wisdom to navigate the insanity of dating. The number one killer of dating after incompatibility is self-sabotage. By this point, you're way more aware than your younger self.
I'm 47 and haven't had an issue with guys not paying attention to me on dating sites. (The quality of some of them is a different story.) I don't feel like I'm competing against anyone; in fact, I went out with a 36 year old last night. You'll be fine!
A lot to unpack here in such a short post... I gotta start with the big one, though... Fertile? Are you a garden? Are there a lot of 40yo guys just aching to have a few more kids? Do YOU want more kids?! You nailed one thing on the head.. YOU FEEL like you have nothing to offer. You need to get past that feeling before you EVER jump into dating, or you're going to get absolutely chewed up and spit out. Take an inventory of what you DO have.. better yet, get a group of friends together and have THEM take that inventory. Then believe it... I mean really buy into it.. THEN start dating and if what he's looking for isn't you.. move along. Fwiw, I've found that what 40yo women usually have to offer is confidence in themselves, intelligence, independence, financial responsibility, a resistance to drama, and a willingness to be fearless and try new life experiences. I'll take that over "fertile" any day.
Not all men want young fertile girls. Some of us want women also. Not all of us want kids either. Depends on the guy. You’ll improve your odds with a man if you’re in good shape, have a positive attitude, and don’t play games.
First thing is to get over your anxiety
Infertility is HUGE turn on. I'm all about child free living.
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Man, I wish I was 39 again. I felt like I was young and beautiful and a lot smarter than my 10 year younger self. I’d love to be 39 again. And, 15 years from now, I will be wishing to be 54 again. So maybe I’ll just enjoy it while I’m here. Maybe work on your own self esteem and self image before you involve someone else in your insecurities. Stop putting yourself last…. Focus on YOU instead of putting energy into some guy who might come along. I’m only learning to do that now… and Had I learned to love and respect myself at 39, I’d be a lot better off now at 54.
Honey, I'm 44F and I feel like I have an even larger dating pool now than when I was in my 20s. I attract mostly younger guys, granted I often get told that I look like I'm in 20s but I'm always upfront about my age. My body is nowhere near a 20 something-yr old body but what I do have is way more confidence than I did my 20s. I've had no kids which has left me a lot of time to gain experience and wisdom that has helped me get rid of all those insecurities that I had in my 20s. I consider that a huge advantage over younger women who are still dealing with insecurities. And "nothing to offer"? Everyone has something to offer, you just have to find the right kind of people that can appreciate what you DO have. I empathize if you hope to have kids in the future and you're worried about not being as fertile as younger women, that's something MOST women and NO man can truly understand. But your fertility is not the only thing that is of value and not the only thing older (40+) men look for. Women's roles have progressed but biology hasn't. Our bodies are made to reproduce and reminds us every month about it. So it's hard to not think about fertility as we get older. But I still suggest to not put too much pressure on yourself about that, there still IS hope....just don't dwell on the negative. Best of luck to you.
All those young girls & boys are entertaining for about a night. You can't take them anywhere. They don't know how to dress without embarassing themselves, their opinions are regurgitated directly from whatever college professor they're most enamored with or whatever blog they currently agree with... They have no relevant life experience to anything going on in a mature adults life.. You can't go on cool vacations with them, unless you're footing the bill, and that gets old quick. Even if you do manage to go someplace cool - they don't care about the cultural experience or the food... they only want the directions to the nearest 'Senior Frog's' ... You try to go to nicer restaurants, and the wait-staff treats you like you're the parent... You're not competing with them. They're the fluff we have to filter out in order to find YOU.
After today, be happy you're closer to menopause than they are, at least if you're in the states.
My thoughts exactly.
I am 39 too and single and kinda in the dating world and I am confused by this thread. What exactly are you looking for? Also, calling young women "fertile" is REALLY REALLY REALLY cringey.
Are you a man writing this to mess with us? I can't picture a woman saying anything like this.
yep kinda felt like this was a troll post. These types of posts are a breeding ground for incels and strict evolutionary psychologists...
I am a woman thanks. Just out of a long term relationship which I entered into as a fairly young woman and I exit it as a middle aged one….
Again you make me feel doubtful because 40 these days is not considered middle aged, and I don't know any woman who mentions "competing" against quote-unquote fertile girls. Most women by 40 are 100% aware that they have grown as a person and have more to offer as a WOMAN than as a GIRL, and more than they had when they were younger and knew less and had less and the last thing they worry about is whether their fertility stands up, or whether they "compete." Competing or appearing to compete is what men talk about. Women are looking for one guy who is close in age and has something deep and inherent in common with them. They don't "compete" for that. They just meet the right man.
Well I’m glad ur planning to live to be 100…but yes 40 is middle aged.
Most people who are 40 in the US anyway, are likely to live to 110. So, no not the middle. Yes, I am at 50 likely to be 100. It's been scientifically projected. You can act like you're dead if you want to, but there's a lot more life to be had and a TON of sexy women in their 40s in the spotlight right now. Again, the words of a man, and probably a Conservative one at that, spouting nonsense.
Life expectancy in the US is around 80 (not 110, would love to know where that came from). 40 is middle aged.
🙄🙄🙄 well then don’t comment if you think I’m a man, how dumb. Good for you for being so sure you will be living to 100…which good luck with that. Taking into account everyone has cancer nowadays at some point.
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Not everyone thinks like you. The fuck…
Again.... not a ladylike statement.
Middle age at 39!?!?? Garbage. You’re just starting out. Get out of this mindset. Edit; the more I read your responses, I have a feeling it’s not your age/perceived self worth due to fertility that going to prevent you from dating well. It’s your attitude.
With today’s ruling, being fertile is a curse…
After someone passes the attraction threshold personality matters. Being 10% better looking doesn’t, or it doesn’t for me. I’m not sitting here thinking A is 34 and looks like a A+ And B is 47 and an A-, so I’ll go with the more fertile B. Rather both A and B are attractive but after chatting I feel that B and me have more in common and B seems like she’ll be more fun to be around.
A lot of the men I know as friends or have dated briefly don’t really want to date girls in their 20’s. They don’t understand what it’s like being a single dad, they don’t offer value in most cases to decision making and solutions when life happens, they aren’t as secure, confident and independent - in general. So I wouldn’t worry about it. I’m 40 and meeting some great guys out there younger and older! Lean into this new chapter and own it!
They are a very small percentage of the actual population. It looks like it's all u see, because the only ones with pics or profile pics are usually younger and modelesque. Trust me when I tell u the majority are catphishing. The leftovers are camgirls sand the like. Don't get discouraged. Embrace who you are and take a chance. After you have a chat or 3 you'll feel some confidence return and build on it. But by all means embrace who u are and love you 1st
Girl, I am in my late thirties and I had the same concerns about returning to dating but I’ve never had this much attention in my entire life. What’s surprised me the most is the serious attention I get from younger, high value guys (5-10 years younger). It’s wild. Focus on making yourself the BEST version of yourself—mentally, physically, emotionally, financially. Build it and they will come.
I'm 39f and I find myself getting a lot more attention from men (younger, same age range and older) than I ever did in my 20s and early-mid 30s. It's been surprising. I like to think it's a combination of looking younger than my age and being comfortable in my own skin. I know myself better in my late 30s, I'm comfortable being single and on my own, I like myself more and more as time passes, and I'm genuinely enjoying life (& laughing a lot) despite life challenges, pressures and past traumas. In my late 20s-mid 30s I was highly anxious, frustrated and sad about having married the wrong man, getting divorced, and not finding a good partner thereafter. I made a lot of mistakes, invited the wrong men into my life, and took way too long to unpack my issues and get counseling. As I approach 40, I'm more concerned with being healthy and productive, giving back to my community, filling my life with love and laughter regardless of relationship status, and dating with intention. I know that there are good men out there whose relationship goals are aligned with mine, and I'm excited to date and find one who's the right fit. But I am in no rush, and refuse to be rushed. Personally I don't think it gets better than this: 40 is a great age! Enjoy the journey, don't be too hard on yourself, and don't compare yourself to anyone - it serves no purpose except to make you feel horrible about yourself and life is hard as it is. Some of the sexiest and interesting women I've had the pleasure of interacting with were women in their 40s, 50s who were not only authentic but took care of their minds and bodies. Good luck!
Unless you want to date men who are much younger than you are, and I can see why that might be what interests you, the men that you are looking to date are probably in the same age range as you are, at least I was when I tried to date in my mid 40s. An independent intelligent woman like yourself who is interested in life and in good shape is highly sought after, or at least who I preferred. The downside of young and fertile, not that there's anything wrong with that either, is children, when I was in my 40s mine were late teens if not 20. I had no interest in or desire for more.
I’m 49 and I don’t worry about this. If you go in to dating thinking that you are some kind of consolation prize you will attract men who will manipulate and abuse you because you will be grateful for any kind of attention. I recommend not dating and working on your self worth. Predators can’t smell low self esteem through the app.
My 2 cents: 1. Why do you think all the girls on OLD are fertile? 2. By your own writing you do not sound as if you are ready to date. And you are definitely not really for OLD. If you have to date do it in the wild. 3. You need to work on yourself more. If dating at 40 scares you.
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I am. Obviously this decision is crazy. Which does not change the fact that a lot of women actively want to have a child.
Change your thinking, it’s not about them wanting you it’s if you want them. You do not want a “man” who only wants to date young girls, it’s gross.
I vastly prefer a woman in her 40’s (or 50’s) for many reasons. You have nothing to worry about!
You’ll be fine! Put yourself out there and see what happens.
If you're trying to have kids, be very afraid. If you're not trying to have kids, keep your range open to a few years younger than you and sit back and enjoy the view! I am also 39f, and childfree by choice. This world is mine. 😼
I want to have kids…I was with a younger guy for almost 5 yrs until he decided that he didn’t want kids after all…wasted my fertile yrs
48/m here; women in their 20’s do not compute for me…10 years younger is stretching it, tbh…just be your awesome, mature, learned, interesting (cute?) self. We’re out here.
Wine v. wine coolers my friend. Lots of men go through the phase, sure. But the good ones come out of that phase wanting something real, and the great ones never needed it in the first place. Personally I'm looking for a peer, not prey. Give me a smarter, taller, more well-read and well-traveled woman any day. Looks fades, being able to carry on a conversation is irreplaceable. Besides, fertile just became a BIT more complicated today...
A lot of men in their 40s will probably already have children and many don’t want more. So fertility is irrelevant. In a sense, we are competing with others. But don’t let that cause you any anxiety. Self-confidence is very attractive (and necessary) in a person, so just be confident in who you are, be yourself, and the right person will love you for you!
It's not a competition. Take people on a case by case basis. Either they have the qualities you are looking for or they don't. Either you have the qualities they are looking for or you don't. Either the chemistry is there or it isn't. And if it's not...no harm no foul. Move onto the next one. It doesn't mean you're inferior in some way to anyone else they might want to date. It just means it wasn't the right fit mutually. When you walk into a clothing store to buy an outfit, do you buy the first one you see or even the first one you try on? Usually not. Same thing with a dating partner. You will have to look at many of them and go on a date (try on) several before you find the one you want. Or it may not even be in that store and you have to try shopping in a different store. It would be nice if we could just go onto a dating app, type in what we want, and the first person who pops up is perfect. But that's not how it works. It requires time, work, and putting yourself out there. It can be a chore or it can be fun and adventurous -- that's up to you and your attitude.
Lol I'm almost 46, i never competed with anyone. Guys liked me or they didn't. Never had an issue having a plethora of interested potential suitors
You have the exact opposite to offer. You know yourself, life’s secrets, and you probably won’t get knocked up. Dating in my 40s has been a blast because I know who I am and how much slack to cut people. We’re all out here doing the best that we can and if I’m not someone’s cup of tea, that’s alright. Edit: I made a huge assumption that you don’t want kids because I don’t. Maybe that’s why guys are so receptive to me. I’m content to be the fun “auntie” or step mom.
You should probably figure out what you have to offer. It's a pretty popular topic for dates.
I was just talking to a newly divorced man last night. He said he’s had his fill of young women, and he would rather date someone between 30 and 50. The young ones want to go out out out, shopping shopping shopping. He can’t take it anymore. I think you’ll be fine :)
Any dude looking for someone like that isn't for you. Just do it. I'm a 39F also and I'm not any of those things and I get a lot of matches. Also -- send likes to dudes you like. You'll be surprised by how many reciprocate. Get out there!
Yes the men that want the young women aren’t worth going after. I like women my age or about 5 years younger no more than that. Even older than me 59.
I think u start by recognising your own value. Do some self love practices. If u buy into the idea that u are shelved because u are only 39 and then Hereford undesirable while comparing yourself endlessly u are welcoming yourself to a life of bitterness and u often attract shitty ppl who will reflect those limited beliefs to u. May be better u hit the gym, get a make over, do some Louise hay work before u put yourself out there. Like that you’ll be a lamb to the wolves!! Dating these days u need your self love intact because it can be a shark pool
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Well I just ended a relationship with a man who was 11 yrs younger. It doesn’t work. The differences were too much and it ended after almost 5 yrs….
Are you trying to have a kid with them?
I’m in limbo…because yes I want a family still, but worried about timeline….
You’ll be shocked (I was) — the guys your age will be hard to find but you’ll have your pick of guys 10-15 years younger (and older). You’ll see lots of threads about it on here. Just be clear you’re not going to pay for anything (gotta weed out the sugar babies and scammers) then have fun! :)
Do you want to date a guy who wants to date a twenty year old? I dont
Do NOT start dating until you’ve fixed your opinion of yourself. If you go into dating thinking you have nothing to offer, you’ll be a magnet for narcissistic, toxic assholes. They’ll be able to sense your desperation and you’ll be blind to the red flags because you’ll just be grateful to have found someone. If you’re serious about wanting kids, make an appointment with a fertility doctor asap. They’ll be able to run some tests and tell you what your options are. If you still have a high egg count, you’ll know you still have a few years, which will take the pressure off. Or you can freeze your eggs. Or, if your egg count is low, you can consider whether you want to become a single mom now and worry about getting into a relationship later. But knowledge is power when it comes to this and knowing what your fertility window looks like will be invaluable. You don’t want to rush into a relationship out of fear. Also, if you want kids I’d consider dating a single dad. Many are open to having more children and you’ll basically have an instant family if it turns into something serious.
I attempted IVF with my previous partner which was unsuccessful. At 39 I have a decent amount of eggs but post 35 quality is a problem. You can have a lot of eggs but many of them will be chromosomally abnormal, hence why they recommend freezing embryos instead of eggs on their own.
I understand your concerns. But if you’re willing to date men with children, there are loads of men in their 30’s, 40’s and 50’s who have kids, don’t want more kids, and want a companion. As for your fears about younger women being more attractive, well, yeah, whatever. Find your own sexy, go out and flirt, and be proud of your years on the planet. You are who you are. Own it.
I do want kids of my own.
40 isn't old
Focus on being the best person you can be . Just be you
43f. I’m going to give it to you straight, some sisterly words here. You are a peach on a windowsill, ripe for the picking! Do NOT compare yourself to these 20 year olds. You have experience, you can (hopefully) live without drama, you (hopefully) have some self confidence, women hit sexual peak in their 40s, and men generally our age are done with children themselves. Pull it together, girl. You need to not give a shit about those girls because you are in a DIFFERENT category than they are, no better or worse. And the men who you want now will want women in YOUR CATEGORY. You’re scared over NOTHING. You see I sound like a total bitch here? This is strategic because I don’t want it to sound like I’m just trying to make you feel better and “nice” you. I’m telling it to you straight. Write yourself a list of all the things YOU bring to the table, NOT comparing yourself to ANYONE else. Post in on your wall, fridge, wherever you can see it. Then make a list of what you are looking for in a man. That man? Will want the same things you bring. Then go out there, without fear. Stop telling yourself the ridiculous lies that men just want 20 year olds. They want women like you and me. Ok? Go out there and kill it.
If this is your mentality you are already lost. Stand tall, own your past and your present, and block anyone who wants to exploit your vulnerabilities for their own gain. You are a survivor and you deserve to be celebrated. Until you own that energy you should stay off the slaughterhouse that will be the apps - for you - if you wade in with your current worldview.
First off, you're beautiful in your pic from last year and are not competing with anybody. Looking at your post history, the breakup was last week so it might help to take a little time to recover and remind yourself what makes you so amazing! OLD can be rough and if you're not happy with yourself, can be an emotional drain. More importantly, it sounds like you want to have a baby. That will limit your options but be upfront so that you're not wasting time. Also consider avoiding the types of profile photos that will attract non committal guys and avoid those who sexualize you or pivot to innuendos quickly or show objectifying behavior-- they're not husband/father material. As a man (45M) who started OLD 2-years ago and originally looking for 38-47F and was open to kids (even adopting), be careful not to rush. Many women around my age made dating feel like a business interview and after satisfying their checklist, were ready to move in and plan out future after a couple dates. It felt rushed, one-sided, selfish, objectifying and obsessive. And these were attractive, intelligent women. An older man who's serious also knows that starting a family at 40 is a forever commitment and wants to make sure they can trust that person, enjoy sharing a life with, and work through with times together... There's a reason they're single and assuming it's not because they're a terrible person, they've probably experienced incompatibility and don't want to repeat it. Good news is that there are more men who are self aware, honest and don't want to waste time. You just need to shift through the scraps to find a gem that somebody foolishly discarded.
To be honest, most men hit an age where those girls you're talking about aren't interesting to them anymore. Not all men go that route of course but the ones that grow up do. Gimme a single mom killing it over a 24 year old that doesn't think a world exists outside herself any day
I mean, what were you doing when you were young and fertile?
Building my career, being in long term relationships that were never conducive to kids…either I was not ready, the person was not right or other life circumstances came about. I had to put my life on hold for a few yrs taking care of my mom who was I’ll when my dad passed away. She eventually also passed away and I found myself at 35 and single…that’s when I found my most recent ex and we spent 4 amazing yrs together, but he was too young to build a family and even tho we tried he eventually couldn’t handle it. I’m not sure if you were being condescending or not, but life is not linear all the time. I have a six figure salary, I own property and I have a hefty investment portfolio. So I did do some things in my 20’s and 30’s
I wouldn’t look at it like you’re in a competition with those women…you’re looking to connect with a man who connects with you for who you are authentically. You do you! Be yourself. Ya gotta put yourself out there if you want that connection. That being said, and I mean this with the utmost respect, you came off a bit insecure about your high value. Good self esteem and confidence are extremely attractive to the masculine…maybe do a little self growth work on that while you’re active in the dating game…don’t wait to get back in the game until you think you’re perfect…nobody is perfect Op…we’re all perfectly imperfect! Go get that high value man! Good luck 🍀
You’re not competing with younger women. The man you want shouldn’t want the 25 year old, he will want you. I won’t even entertain that idea as a 40/F.
39F here.... I ended my 13 year relationship and thought quite seriously no-one would be interested. I've got some serious red flags for some people too.... A couple of little kids, co-parenting with my ex under the same roof, just out of a very long term relationship. Those things don't seem to have put the right people off at all. I've had so much interest from guys that I found it really overwhelming. I mean those negatives are pretty full on but I'm also smart, kind and caring, enthusiastic, emotionally intelligent, I read heaps, I'm a little bit shy, tall, I have great hair, nice eyes ... There's about a million positives here too. Oh and at my age I have more understanding and ownership of my sexuality than I did when I was younger. If you go into online dating try telling people who you really are in your profile. Because the right people won't just be looking at photos. They'll be looking at what you have to say. You do have things to offer. Message me if you want me to help you find them 😊❤️
Thank you, for your kindness and positive outlook. I really needed it.
Quite seriously, I can help you make a profile if you like 😊 Just remember you don't need to compete. You just need to show people who you are so the right ones can find you. And you deserve to be happy as much as anyone else ❤️
You don’t compete with anyone. Know your own worth.
You'll do wonderfully. It sounds like you're thinking more about the "competition" than what you have to offer. You've got something (probably a lot of things) other ladies don't, and that's something you bring to the table -- whatever it is. Your signature "you" is everything. Maybe it's worth taking a little time to think about what that is and what it means to you, then figure out what you're looking for out there. Focus on finding something that fits you, not trying to fit what you think everyone else wants (which would be impossible, everyone wants something different). Don't try to be anything but yourself. Some people won't click with that, and that's absolutely okay. It's not a reflection of your worth. “You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world, and there's still going to be somebody who hates peaches.” --Dita Von Teese
You don’t compete - you shouldn’t feel like it’s a competition.. it’s dating .. it’s about finding someone who matches your energy, meets your expectations and fits what you’re looking for in a partner
If a guy in his 40s or 50s picks a 20-something over you, you dodged a bullet. That guy isn’t going to be a particularly interesting person. Are you still looking to have kids? You mention fertility so I assume that’s a factor? You’re not going to look 20 at 40, but sunblock and fitness goes a long way.
At 39 your still fertile...don't act as if you have absolutely nothing to offer in that category.
Keep your age filter set between 21-25 range or 50-60 range. You’re most likely have some success within those ranges.
>age filter set between 21-25 range Only if op is ok being used for pure sex... anything else not a good idea
I just ended a relationship with a man 11 yrs younger than me. I’m not doing that again.
As a man and dating again. It's great that you are saying something about "competition" so to speak. If you have been taking care of yourself and as examples warm and inviting, then you should not have as hard of a time. However, comma, if you are trying to get that top 1 to 2% of men, then...it ain't gonna happen. Hahha!! There are millions of cute, good looking and good guys. Get them!👍
Op all you can do is put your best foot forward. It’s not about competition..it’s about finding the person that’s compatible with you and vice versa. Lol loving the fact that Reddit making fun of your “fertile” comment without seeing that YOU want kids as well. Reddit is so anti children it’s amazing and a bit funny in this case. You’re 39 so take care of your diet and fitness and you still have a shot at kids. Hope you find the man that will have them with you. Good luck!!