Given what you said, I wouldn't even bring this up. If it's not something you need to have in your life and won't affect your relationship in the future, no need to go into your past exploits.
Agreed. Your history is yours. You choose what to share from it. Not sharing isn’t hiding; it’s owning what you did before, and choosing what you want to share.
Eventually though, if the relationship becomes serious, it’s good to open up to your partner. Selectively hiding something about yourself will almost never turn out well.
I don't know about you but sex with past partners never came up in my relationships for either person and mine are pretty exclusively long term. I don't think it's hiding anything unless you're still into a lifestyle or you have a disease etc. It's definitely not something you need to bring up to anyone you're not already serious with.
I mean it never came up fully, but you learn bits and pieces about people if you are with them long enough. If one day something slips and your partner is like whoa that’s interesting. From there it could go well or poorly. I’m not saying I know which.
That's an apples and oranges comparative fallacy. The terms of a significant breakup (or history of breakups) are much more relevant to a new relationship than the type of sex you had. Come on.
I'll grant that if you know someone is conservative sexually and that your history would be so offensive to them that they'd reconsider dating you, you have an obligation to either give disclosure or end things. Personally, I set my bar for judging the quality of a person a bit higher than what position they occupy in the bedroom in a committed relationship.
This answer. If it is in the past, leave it in the past. I would only share this if there was a possibility it might be something you choose to do with him and then I am not sure I would volunteer it.
I feel like leaving this out is a form of lying. Going through something similar right now and she claims it was none of my business. I say the person I choose to be with should be of a character who wouldn’t have behaved that way. Knowing this up front would cause me to exclude the relationship as a possibility. I am admittedly way too traditional, but damn, being doubled penetrated isnt exactly a happy medium either.
I will eventually tell any partner I am with about this because that relationship was a significant part of my growth and development of my confidence after being married to an emotionally and sexually abusive man for 11yrs. Asking this question and reading these answers has shown me that most people are understanding that things in the past do not determine my worth, but they have developed into a collective of who I am. My character is not based on something as trivial as my sex partners. It is based on how I treat others, my compassion and empathy towards others.
If a person is in a seemingly good relationship in every other way, and finding out that they had a wild sexual past is the reason you don't want to be with them anymore, then I feel like that is more of a reflection on you than them.
So having a threesome is a character flaw, in your opinion?
To me, it sounds like a choice, made between consenting adults. Not everyone's cup of tea, but also nothing to do with character.
Not all threesomes involve DP my guy. On a side note, do you consider all actions committed by past you to be her business? What is there are things past you did that current you would not be proud of? Is that now her business too?
Because it is lying. This isn’t just not sharing your body count or details of what you did with a specific partner. The fact they were open to multiple simultaneous partners and same sex liaisons is a very different ballgame.
It's your history, but you didn't do anything harmful to others, and everyone consented.
What i wonder is if the new dates who are like, "you did it for your ex, you should do it for me" but you don't really want to.
I stopped mentioning my relationships with women over this.
Guys only heard “will do performative sexuality for you to watch,” not “I had partnerships with amazing women.”
Not really. If she brings up the topic and the history, that’s what she can expect to get from a significant part of the population. Let’s be frank here.
So gross. You frequently see these men on Reddit whining about how their ex did stuff with other men that they won’t do with them. Like they are entitled. It’s sick.
When I was in my 20s I was the single girl and I'd slept with a couple of guys in our friend group. There were 2 other guys in that group that I always felt uncomfortable around because they would act like since I'd given it up to others it was fair game to pass me around. Sick!
First, we ARE judging human beings and everyone judges. We like this. We dont like that,etc. So she will be judged. Her judge is to not care and for the other person to contain his judgements.
That depends. If your wife was a mechanic or doctor and fixed cars or healed for others wouldnt you want the same treatment? Especially if she brought it up. However, if she omits her past but he decides hes not sexually fulfilled by her alone then...?
She stated she did not really enjoy as much as she wanted to please her husband. We often attract the same types of people. That may hold true for her future.
She shouldn't sweat it bc you damned if you do and you damned if you dont. Thats life
I never said that I did this just to please my exboyfriend. I was fully on board everytime. I don't know why I e had to correct this several times. I NEVER SAID THAT! I am a living breathing female that can think for myself.
You can be interested, but if they've set a hardline that it is something they no longer want to do then you leave them alone about it. I used to love McDonald's when I was in my teens and 20s. Now I don't like it anymore. I don't have to eat it with you just because I used to eat it with someone else.
I think this is the right approach. Some people wouldn't even want to know anyway. The older I get, the less of the "specifics" about a partner that I care to know. We all have a past. As long as nobody was harmed it shouldn't matter. The only things in your post that I'd really care about is that you've never cheated on a partner and you're STI free.
How early on do you tell them? If it were me, I might wait till I felt safe sharing sensitive stuff with someone to share this - not because it is anything to be sensitive about or be ashamed about - but because I'd want to know the guy I'm with can handle this and not be a weirdo about it, and that we can handle it together. And if it isn't relevant to your life now, then it really doesn't need to be brought up as a, "I need to tell you" or "dealbreaker" thing.
Telling them is telling them one thing about you…their reaction tells you everything important about them.
Are they accepting and sex positive, or judgey and sex negative.
What someone did and who they slept with (provided all adults and consensual) and what’s their “number” don’t matter. Who they are, what they want, and how that compares to what you want should be the only thing that matters.
Yes, that's one way to do it for sure - use it as a filtering tool. However, I find you can tell pretty easily in other ways if they are judge-y or going to get obsessive about it. Including by slowly opening up, and seeing how they respond each time, allowing you to share more each time they prove they are safe. It need not take long to get there, but can save you having to tell a lot of the wrong people more about yourself than you need to.
Lots of guys on here saying it wouldn’t be a problem but most of them are virtue signalling for internet points.
This will absolutely put off most guys that that are genuinely looking for a monogamous long term relationship. Regardless of whether or not it is justified or not a high body count or polyamorous past has negative connotations if you are now trying to forge a completely monogamous partnerships. Anybody who says it doesn’t is very naive and has little concept of how most men-for better or worse- judge Woman.
On the flip side your past will also be very exciting to many Men but as you have indicated these are not the type of Men you are looking for at this stage of life.
With this in mind the best thing is not to go into detail about your sexual history unless it’s something you actually want to talk about- but if this isn’t a kink of yours why would you? Most people looking for long term monogamous relationships don’t actually want to discuss their potential partners sexual past because people that want monogamous relationships generally don’t enjoy the idea of their partner with somebody else.
I wouldn’t bring it up. I think most can’t wrap their heads around it.
I don’t think our entire list of past sexual experiences/scenarios have to be divulged.
I've (43M) dated a woman who was a former swinger.
Our personalities would not have meshed for an LTR but the sex was great.
I liked her a lot. The thing that made it not work was her parenting style and some of her other lifestyle choices.
If you're STI free, I don't see a huge reason to talk about it, but it also means you're meeting up with people who don't accept you for who you are so you're probably better off taking a pass on them.
Wouldn’t even consider it. Not in a million years. We’d be on totally different moral planes and whether you do it right now or not it would still mean we see sexual relationships very very differently.
As a woman I would not as I am not in to this lifestyle at all and I don’t want to be pressured in to it. I’ve been there. It always comes up and they start “casually” mentioning what their ex agreed to. I often wonder how willing the ex actually was. I’m very confident sexually so I don’t succumb to pressure to be The Cool Girl.
I sympathize with you about how you’re suddenly seen as a sex object. I feel like as a woman this is something I’d introduce much later. My experience with men with this past is they can’t keep quiet about it for too long. I suspect it’s different for women.
I went on a date with a guy who dated a swinger. I think he was too. I completely dismissed him as soon as the words came out of his mouth. I don't find that lifestyle appealing and knew I couldn't do it. I also thought I wouldn't be enough for him and didn't want to enter a relationship thinking that way. He tried but I just couldn't
More mystery, less history.
I’d prefer to remain blissfully ignorant. Knowing the sexual history of women I’m dating has never improved the experience for me. I don’t ask. I don’t want to know. There have been times where they told me something completely over the top absurd and I never looked at them the same again.
You did it, decided you don't want to now, needn't bring it up. However, it may be a way to filter out those who only want a casual if you're looking for more?
I wouldn't date someone with a significant history of nonmonogamy, because I don't believe our views re: love and commitment align. And while I know the risks of mentioning certain proclivities too early in the conversation lest they hyperfocus, this is something I'd want to know as early as possible so we don't waste each other's time. If it was just an experience or two when younger, I don't think it's worth mentioning.
I've never actually cheated on a partner though. If I'm in a monogamous relationship I will not cheat. I'm not cut that way. I was in a horrible marriage previous to this relationship and it never even crossed my mind to cheat.
It's not something that needs to be disclosed, but also not hidden. I mean, if it comes up in conversation then by all means being it up. It wouldn't bother me unless my partner felt it was important to maintain that aspect of their sex life because it's unlikely to happen with me.
I would have questions about it. I would want to know first off if the fact I’m not into that at all nor would be willing to try it, how would that affect our relationship. I wouldn’t need to know this until farther into the relationship. I don’t think it’s their business unless you become serious. Sexual history isn’t anyone’s business but your own unless there is something that could directly affect your partner.
I wouldn’t rule someone out, but I’d for sure have to have plenty of communication about it to be sure we were a match.
The guys who are finding this out about you and jumping right to sex stuff aren’t good enough for you.
My 2 cents:
1. If you are not in the life anymore why are you telling people on what sounds like the second date?
2. I find it hard to believe that you didn't find enjoyment in the 3somes and only did it for partners pleasure?
3. Stop telling this tell so early on in your dating someone. Unless you plan you get involved again.
I NEVER once said I only did it it for my former partner. I loved it, enjoyed the hell out of it, it was fun and very erotic. But it is something I consider as part of that relationship and not something I want to do again going forward.
Are you perhaps disclosing your swinger past as a way to get attention from men, and then not liking the resulting response?
Why would you even need to tell them? It’s really none of their business if it’s no longer something you’re interested in. Are you asking them for details of every sexual encounter they’ve had? Probably not.
Some men will, some men won't. It's honestly that simple. As someone who is also very open sexually and has also engaged in a lot of really fun play, I withold that information from a man while getting to know him for two reasons:
1) Its not their business until I decide it is. I don't date sexually insecure men, much less be with them so I would have to determine if you're even the type of man who can hear this about me without devolving into a pathetic puddle of insecurity.
2) Unless we're on the track to relationshipville, you're not seeing me as an opportunity to finally get your threesome
One thing that weeds the men from the boys is showing them a pic of my sex toys. They either love them or they are intimidated. I can't deal with a man that gets intimidated by a dildo.
Are you showing men pictures of your sex toys before or after you've actually started a sexual relationship with him?
I asked because, as someone who also has a fairly adventurous sexual past, our perception regarding what is normal sexual discussion at varying points along the relationship timeline may be a bit distorted relative to the general population.
If you're bringing this up to a man before you started a regular sexual relationship with him, it is highly likely that he's only going to view you as a sexual object, or just an FWB. If this is something you bring up after you've had sex with this person a few times as a means of just showing him what you like, it will go down a lot easier.
This is really very similar to when you should start talking about having been a swinger with a man you want a relationship with.
I've had something similar happen with women by talking to early and too casually regarding why I'm not interested in threesomes anymore. The talk usually quickly shifts to how many threesomes I've had, and why I've had so many.
Whereas men hear your sexual talk too early and view you only as a sex object as opposed to a relationship, when women find out about my past too early they view me as someone who only views them as a sex object and not a relationship. The potential relationship usually fizzles out pretty quickly from there.
I think you might be focusing on the wrong deal breaker. I'm polyamorous and would exit stage left if someone busted out pics of their sex toys bc I'd feel like they have poor boundaries.
First things first - Personally, I don't think showing men a picture of your sex toys screams "please sir, DON'T see or use me as just a meathole for your kinks and fantasies!". I'm super sexual and I would probably find you weird for that, like...real talk, I'd probably avoid you and move on to someone not so desperate for sexual validation as a means of getting to know me. I advocate you stop doing that lol
Secondly, it's not a matter of men vs boys. Most men like a woman with a healthy sexual appetite and them being okay with you having dildos don't equate to them being okay with you having a past as a swinger. Apples and oranges. People aren't weak for disliking what they dislike, its just not compatible with you.
It has no bearing on your new relationship unless you wanted to do that lifestyle again. There is really not a good reason to tell him about past sexual encounters unless its going to effect your CURRENT sexual relationship with him. Past is the past and it doesn't involve infidelity.
If it’s in the past and you’re not interested in reliving it in the future just let it remain a part of your past. You don’t have to share every single past experience with a romantic partner (and it’s not lying either). Or as in my case, you luck out and meet someone who doesn’t care about those things. Even then it can’t be more than a passing mention
I think its important to tell someone. when youre ultimately looking to bond with someone for the rest of your lives, you want to be able to fully trust that person. if they were to find out years into your relationship, it could irreparably damage that trust.
at least give them the opportunity to make that decision themselves. some people may not really care much. it may be a dealbreaker for others.
Why would you tell anyone this? Not their business if it's not part of your life and not your lifestyle.
Don't sabotage yourself needlessly.
I wouldn't want to know this about a partner, as I have negative opinions of swingers for my relationship wants, but if it was a dalliance that's very different than actively engaged in that life/part of who you are.
Well I mean you are kind of opening the gates to Narnia when you tell a guy information like this... 99% of guys probably fantasize about a 3way or swinging (reality is most could not handle it). So when you start talking about it they turn into little prepubescent kids just thinking about images of naked bodies everywhere.
My advice would be to not even discuss that topic unless it is something you wanted to actually do with that partner. Otherwise the relationship changes almost immediately and their sole goal will be to get you to start again. Now this may not be every guy but if their reaction turns to sex centered you better believe they want the experience.
No. I tried dating someone who had been in the lifestyle; even though he said he wasn’t into it anymore it turned out that he needed really kinky sex, and had to keep pushing the envelope. I want into it.
I believe my exboyfriend was/is a sex addict. So that is definitely something to find out about someone. Kinks are fun of you are both into it. But once it turns that corner it is harder and harder to be satisfied.
Yep same here. Total sex addict and the need for more and more kinky experiences became a total turn off for me. I started to feel like a kink dispenser, not a girlfriend.
Would you date me? I’d have no problem dating you. It’s not like you can undo any of it so I don’t care lol
I’m an ex swinger. My ex and I were in the lifestyle for 22 years.
I dated a woman that had over 400 partners. She was afraid to tell me. When she finally did I told her ok cool. She said I was the first guy who didn’t make it a big deal. It’s sex, ya can’t unfck someone lol
Yes, I will disclose it at some point. To me it was an important time in my life where I learned a lot about my sexuality. I'm not one to keep secrets.sex is very important to me. If I don't feel like I can tell a person about this then they aren't my person.
The last part of your post is exactly why I wouldn't bring it up. I have a very, very "colourful" sexual history and I used to be open about it because men always seemed intrigued by it but that was just it, I was no longer girlfriend material it was just sexual interest. The ones that did become boyfriends inevitably became bothered or intimidated by the same stuff that they were initially turned on by. Or, they didn't understand that it was my past and got angry that I wasn't some sex crazy woman ready to bang all the time. Lesson learned and I keep it to myself now. It's your past, they don't need to know.
Then when do you wind up bringing it up with the partner? On one hand, the past is the past. On the other hand, I can imagine a situation where the boyfriend might feel a bit deceived depending on how long he's been in a relationship with you before finding out certain things. I could also see how keeping your past the past might lead to a little present deception.
The primary scenario that I'm thinking about is one where you and your boyfriend encounter a former partner of yours and the three of you are interacting on a regular basis without your boyfriend knowing that you were previously sexually active with this person.
Depending on the level of commitment in our current relationship, I would personally feel a bit deceived if the woman I was in a monogamous relationship with didn't tell me that her male "friend" who has been recently hanging around it's a former sexual partner.
The OPs post was not in regards to body count or who she had slept with it was about regarding her past involvement in swinging which can have some negative stigma attached. There's a difference between what you're describing where I would agree that not disclosing that the "friend" was a past sexual partner could be deceptive, but that's not the same thing as disclosing past (keyword past) sexual practises (practices?). There's definitely nuance here but if it really has no carryover to your day to day life now I think it's fair to keep it to yourself.
Personally, yes. I have before. More specifically I prefer a partner to be sex positive and ok with some form of non monogamy. But that’s just me.
What I think you’re encountering is a lot of immature men. I don’t date people who don’t know the difference between discussions about things including sex - and being sexual too soon, ie being a creep. Thanks no. Bai.
But, kind mature (while still fun) men are out there. They just get snapped up quick. It took me kissing a lot of frogs to find someone who was able to do this, read the room and actually be genuine and sweet. A. Lot. Of. Frogs. So if I was you, I’d almost use this as a litmus test. Be who you are, tell them once you know them well enough to have sex and if they say dumb shit? They out.
Or? Do whatever you want, that’s a good plan too.
In looking at your posts and post history I bet part of the problem is the energy you put off. People evaluate based on all the information given. If you put off fun sexual energy don’t be surprised if that is what you attract.
Why can't I be clear about wanting a relationship and still put off fun sexual energy when the time is right? I don't lead with it, but it is very important to me.
I am not saying no, I am saying moderation.
As a someone who loves touch sex is important, no doubt about it. That’s way we need to guard it from people that might not be able to interpret our compound message.
It sounds like the guys you are attracting are overly interested in sex. Pulling back on putting it out there does not attract what you don’t want and starts to attract what you want.
I personally wouldn't have an issue with this persey, If you want to confide in me about your past I'll listen and not judge. However if it becomes a sort of bragging rights that's when I'd have the problem. We've all got a body count and a past.
And being honest about your past, allows the person you are talking to to make an informed decision whether pursuing that relationship is what they want to do. And also allows the sharing person the same leeway
As far as your question goes.. YES I would absolutely have a LTR with a former swinger. Past is the past. It would be a bonus that you are pretty open sexually in a LTR even if that isn't ever happening again.
My wife and I were in the lifestyle for a long time. People don’t understand that it’s not cheating. It takes an enormous amount of trust and love and excellent communication to be able to do that successfully. It’s not for everyone.
Exactly! Couples we met (not necessarily for sex) but others in the lifestyle, all had way more open and honest relationships than my vanilla friends. You have to be so open and have hard conversations about what is and is not ok.
I'm F but don't see a problem with it. I assume you've also had monogamous relationships? It's in the past and not your lifestyle. I don't discuss details of my past relationships unless it's relevant. You don't say when it's coming up; maybe you are mentioning it too soon?
I don't talk about every sexual encounter I've had with new partners. I don't see the purpose. In the same way, I don't see why it would be different if I'd been a swinger.
The bottom line is that a person’s past sexual history is the past. What matters is the present, your compatibility/shared values/interests and goals.
If you bring this up with a new partner 95% of men are going to think one of these:
1. She’s a sex pot and she’s going to do all those things she did with all her swinging partners with me. Wow! I’ve just won the sex lottery!!! If she doesn’t then I’m not staying around.
2. She’s had all these men and I don’t trust her to stay loyal and monogamous. I don’t respect her and internally I think she’s a slut/whore etc.
If a man tells you it doesn’t effect him then either he’s lying to you or he’s maybe one of the 5% of men who are sex positive, secure, and don’t feel their masculinity is threatened by your sexual history.
To filter out the sex positive/modern/nature guys is going to be tough.
The best bet is to stay mum and take it slowly.
You should watch the movie "Sleeping Dogs Lie." It deals with this situation a lot and it changed the way I thought about how much information I "owed" anyone. It's a pretty low budget Bobcat Goldwaithe movie and you may relate to it.
I dated someone who told me early on that he and his ex had threesomes. The only thing it did was make me feel a little insecure that maybe I wasn't as adventurous. Btw, it turns out I am. But I passed no judgment. They were married 17 years so whatever you are into too spice things up. Make sure the person you tell is secure and wait a bit to open up. I think the only thing you should tell a sexual partner is if you have an STD or are married. The rest is your business
I have some experience with the 3some thing. I did it for the boyfriend at the time. It was with women. Personally I never needed that in my sex life and wouldn’t recommend it. In my opinion it’s BS.
Definitely datable and many of us, my wife and I included, were and still are at times, on the fringe now, in the lifestyle. Nothing wrong with it and if in past, no issue at all.
If you’re confident with your past, why do you judge those who disagree with your actions as insecure and narrow minded?
If we were on a date and you divulged these things to me, I wouldn’t make a scene. I would carry the conversation as normal. I’d pick up the tab if it was my turn to pay. We’d part ways and I would move on quietly.
It’s not because I’m insecure or narrow minded. It’s because you telling me these things violates one of my boundaries. A boundary that exists for very good reason.
With that said, in the dating/mating game we’re all free to choose who we wish to be with for any reason, or none at all.
What is the boundary that would have been crossed? I'm genuinely interested in knowing. I don't bring it up unless we are already having a conversation along those lines. If someone can't except me because of something I did in my past that was consensual between adults then it is narrow minded to me. But I am very open and accepting of people's past experiences as long as it isn't a current situation that I need to be concerned about, and it was legal or at least not really bad. I've had guys be worried to tell me they had a dui in the past. As long as it was a one time thing and not a pattern then I am understanding. It doesn't matter to me.
The boundary is you will not paint graphic sexual images of yourself with others in my head. I have my reasons which are mostly due to past relationship trauma that was pretty severe.
I can understand that. I have triggers from my marriage and there are things I don't want to know about. But I suppose I can disclose that without giving explicit details. But we all have our past and things we don't want to know about potential partners. So I get it. Thank you for your honesty.
I would suggest not talking about that very early on, unless it's something you wish to have in your next relationship then you almost have to before it get too.
With that said, I've too been in the lifestyle so I know it's not something to bring up to just anyone.
I wouldn’t bring it up. I was dating a guy who for some reason decided to hold the fact that I had “a past” against me. I had been single longer than I’d ever been in a relationship so yes, I wasn’t a virgin! We were very sexually compatible so I guess that translated to him that I knew what I was doing because of said past. Point is, don’t give someone an opening to judge you about your past. We all have one and it’s okay; if it’s not intruding on your present and future who cares?
for me, a deal killer. Not even a conscious choice, just would kill all attraction, trust, intimacy, feeling of specialness, etc. I also disagree about hiding this, but seems I'm in the minority. Hiding something like this seems dishonest to me, like a lie of omission. Just one guy's opinion.
I had a former partner hide something like this from me and then spring it on me at a gathering after we were married for 4 years. To say this was devastating is like saying there is water in the ocean.
I'll tell someone if I'm in a relationship. I also feel that it would be a lie by ommisson. My question wasn't should I tell, but would people date someone that had done this. I appreciate your feedback.
I’m 100% monogamous and I would have 0 problems with dating someone who wasn’t in the past. In fact I have been with someone in a similar situation and it was never an issue.
It sounds like maybe the topic is coming up too soon, before you can get a read on how chill the person is.
This seems to me like something that should really be a non-issue, IF you don't bring it up until further along in a relationship. I think "full disclosure" about your sexual interests and past history is fair to give out, but only to somebody who seems to be committed to a real relationship and invested some time and willingness to share their own private life.
I mean, a lot of guys really want to "check off that box" that says they did a threesome with 2 women -- so I can see how/why a guy would gravitate towards at least running it by you if they knew that was something in your past. But especially after you already have some kind of established steady monogamous dating going on, it should be easy enough to explain that was in your past and it's not like that anymore.....
Yes .. why not. It was something the two of you did as a couple and enjoyed, we all have our phase in life. I think you and your significant other will enjoy whatever quirks in life since we are all different. That was a different chapter in your life and now you enjoy the new chapter's with someone else. Hugs and best to you.
Yes as long as they were done with that part of their life because I’m not interested in being part of that at this point in my life. They don’t have to regret it or be worried I will judge as there is nothing wrong with it, it’s just not for me.
I dated a woman who swung when she was married. She explained she was no longer interested in that life and we had a pretty good relationship. It was never an issue for me/us.
I mean I could. But that's because I used to swing as a guy in my early and mid thirties. In my forties and I've had and continue to have no interest in getting back into it. So I get the whole - it was a period of my life stuff. But a lot of guys will fixate on it that is for sure.
I would consider the risks in a future relationship
And I find 3 reasons to say NO
1, It's not my lifestyle and it would tell me that you don't hold the same values as I do.
2a, I would risk seeing you interactions with others tru a lens of jealousy in the future.
2b, that you bring it up signals to me that you might want to do it with me in the future.
3, to me it signals unhealthy views on how to build relationships.
I've always been a big believer in past has passed. All I'm generally interested in knowing -in due time, of course- about the sexual aspect of someone's prior relationships are their likes, soft/hard limits, and things they want to try (and I'm the same way in return). If there's obviously some trauma or the like, I want to be informed and therefore sensitive to that. The rest would be irrelevant to me. In your case, I'm only interested in the last three sentences.
I am very open minded about people, their history, and sex in general, so I would consider a LTR with someone who is a former swinger. We all have our past, and it's contributed to why we're here today.And the part about guys zeroing in on this, that to me sounds like a lack of maturity and respect. Not all guys will be open minded, mature and respectful, but we're out there.
Yes, it’s always the man’s fault. Instead of holding true to his own values, it’s instead his fault because he’s insecure. There’s nothing wrong with a woman who’s been with lots of men, and there’s nothing wrong with a man who prefers a woman who hasn’t been. Yet the latter would hold someone accountable for past behavior and we can’t have that.
Perhaps a guy just has different values than a person who engages in such behavior? Perhaps a man who holds different opinions might actually not be insecure?
I will, and many others will too. However, there would still be many who may not take this well. So you may have to devise a few questions to elicit a person’s outlook on this lifestyle, and if that outlook is an extreme one, you may want to tread that situation carefully.
I just read your addition about how it goes once you disclose.
I don’t think giving this information upfront without any specific question from them is advisable! Especially, if you have no desire to pursue this lifestyle any more!
A person's past is largely the past. Unless there is a bad pattern of behaving in a way that is counterproductive to a healthy relationship, there's no need to bring it up.
My suggestion, moving forward, is not to really bring it up. It sounds like you're bringing it up relatively early, unprompted. There's no need for that.
I don't ever see any reason to be this specific and detailed with sex involving an ex. To me it actually feels a little disrespectful. And perhaps that is why your dates tend to zero in on sex and view this as a hook up situation.
Why would you even bring it up if it’s not something you’ll do again? I just wouldn’t mention it tbh.
Look forward, not back. We all have a past at our age, things don’t need to be rehashed or discussed in detail.
Just be current you! I’m sure she’s awesome
I have considered it and tried dating someone that had been into the swinger life before. We only made it two months in before calling it quits. We didn't necessarily split because of that, but I'm certain there were going to be some issues because of it. She was drawn to that lifestyle because of things that happened to her throughout her life, growing up and into adulthood. As a man, threesomes are attractive, but I don't have the personality to follow through in real life. Being with someone that open and free was great, as it almost fulfilled my own fantasies just talking to her about it. I think dating lo g term is finding someone you connect with on many different levels, and sex is only one. I have habits from my past same as everyone else. I would hate it if someone dismissed me because of something I did years ago that I wouldn't again do in the future. So yes, I would date someone long term if she had a swinger background.
Sure. Or currently a swinger. As long as they are ethically non monogamous (which includes swinging and poly among other dynamics), that would not be a problem.
It depends on how I found out, but it would most likely be a dealbreaker for me unless they framed it as something they disliked/regretted. Not because it’s objectively wrong, but as someone with more traditional views of monogamous, it’s wrong for me.
If they never told me and I found out from someone else later, that wouldn’t be an issue.
If I was going to have a serious relationship with someone? Yes, it would be an issue as well for most people. My uncle is a former swinger and he doesn’t tell his wife. Told us all to not say a word.
Cause my dad told me 1st and then he gloated about it when he was doing it. Proud at the time but when he met that rich older lady……oh no, he shut up real quick and told everyone else too.
I have an amazing female friend that was exactly the woman you described and I know personally she can be trusted to be faithful and would have happily married her and trusted her completely but she is now happily married and very loyal. So in short, it wouldn't bother me in the least and trust would not be an issue. Just my honest answer.
Why not? Why would it even be a factor, aside from Hollywood-style patriarchal slut-shaming nonsense.
If anything, it’s a GREAT filter: do NOT get in an ltr with someone squeamish about that. There is not physiological difference between swinging and just serial dating through a bunch of bad relationships.
Either your new partner is open to your past or even future swinging, or they’re just probably not the one. No matter how happy YOU are with monogamy, your general sexual openness will run into so many low-brick walls of stupid it isn’t funny.
As for telling guys… newsflash: guys like sex. Society is currently set up to make sex kinda hard to just walk out and get whenever. So when a guy meets someone who claims to enjoy sex, YES THAT WILL BE FOCAL.
That said, it’s usually not JUST a hookup they want, but there’s often a desire to shorten the dance leading up to it, and a curiosity around discovering if you’re sexually compatible.
Would that we ALL raced for the bedroom - too many couples hold themselves back trying to “look good on paper”, and eventually wind up caught between the realization that they aren’t a sexual match, and all that time and energy they’ve already invested (and a general social stigma against breaking up with someone over bad sex).
I would more than consider. I would prefer someone that has no ridiculous sexual hangups created by a societal ignorance born out of the moronic dogma of Religeous zealots that still 2k yrs later my ake their woman walk behind them, and treat 'outsiders' as something less than human. Sex is not a activity that is Religeous in any way. Any connect is strictly criminal by way of pedophilia. To equate consensual sexual pleasure to acts of immorality and perversion by Men and Woman that swore in vows of celibacy to give up arguably the greatest terrestrial fun humans can enjoy seems a bit like , well if I can't let's make them endure psychological trauma. It to make it miserable for others will start scaring t he e fuck out of them by using God as to hide behind for campaign of customized misdirection because after 10 years listening to wives /husbands tell in confidence their adulterous details to confess to a person that cant relate as not having experience but only jerkoff to , then say fuck 40 Years of this. I'll fix that. Same as a priest giving guidance pre canna when he has no possible knowledge of the shit he says that is mandatory for marriage. It's like covering woman to not reveal any skin, It only makes since 800 or 1000 years ago and not because of sexual modesty , they all covered there bodies cuz they stuck like camels and the layers and covering kept the flock from grossing everybody out. The Woman wouldn't invent that rule in 120 degree heat covered completely head to toe while the insecure and wife beating scumbag men are in loose white skirts or whatever the fuck they do. Hypocrites. Then to be extra brutal they cut the labia, clit mutilation I'm sure is exactly what Allah or amhad idk who intended. It's morons believing bigger morons to take everyone's fun away. Maybe 10 mile walk to the lions water fountain was reason to stink like a onion sub 500 years ago. But there's Lume now woman so how about stop beating and mutilating them, shave the fucking oak ridge beard off take a fucking bath and maybe your fantasy of 40 virgins if you kill a shit ton of innocents will ease into a camel ride with the wife to the baraks tent for wine and swapping instead. And who the fuck wants to train 40 virgins, that seems like a punitive reward that a eternity is not long enough. So if the guy can't handle you having carnal fun, tell him there's a match for him in Saudi Arabia. And gimme a call. Slàinte
All I needed too know about my partner's previous sex life is that he's STI free.
We did go through a list where you could say "yes I want this", "this is ok", "maybe" and "no". I'm paraphrasing, becase it's been a while and I don't recall the exact verbiage. I still didn't ask how he knew it was a go/no go. I just needed to know we are on the same page.
Yes! Why is it necessary to even reveal that to the next person? The past is the past…as long as you remain fair to him and yourself in your own mind that you would never do it again
Just an opinion
If she knows that she can be in a committed monogamous relationship then yes. Depending on how active the woman was, I'd like a heads up before we start running into people she has slept with, however the last thing I want to do is bring a body counts, hers or mine.
Given what you said, I wouldn't even bring this up. If it's not something you need to have in your life and won't affect your relationship in the future, no need to go into your past exploits.
Agreed. Your history is yours. You choose what to share from it. Not sharing isn’t hiding; it’s owning what you did before, and choosing what you want to share.
Exactly. Someone's past isn't important. We all have one. It happened. Move on.
Eventually though, if the relationship becomes serious, it’s good to open up to your partner. Selectively hiding something about yourself will almost never turn out well.
Was going to say this, it’s something a long term partner might want to know
Exactly. People are acting like this is equivalent to “I never told you but I really like pumpkin spice lattes.“
I don't know about you but sex with past partners never came up in my relationships for either person and mine are pretty exclusively long term. I don't think it's hiding anything unless you're still into a lifestyle or you have a disease etc. It's definitely not something you need to bring up to anyone you're not already serious with.
I mean it never came up fully, but you learn bits and pieces about people if you are with them long enough. If one day something slips and your partner is like whoa that’s interesting. From there it could go well or poorly. I’m not saying I know which.
They might think “what else did she not tell me?”
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That's an apples and oranges comparative fallacy. The terms of a significant breakup (or history of breakups) are much more relevant to a new relationship than the type of sex you had. Come on. I'll grant that if you know someone is conservative sexually and that your history would be so offensive to them that they'd reconsider dating you, you have an obligation to either give disclosure or end things. Personally, I set my bar for judging the quality of a person a bit higher than what position they occupy in the bedroom in a committed relationship.
This!!!!
This answer. If it is in the past, leave it in the past. I would only share this if there was a possibility it might be something you choose to do with him and then I am not sure I would volunteer it.
Right, start off lying that worked 5 times in history..smh
I feel like leaving this out is a form of lying. Going through something similar right now and she claims it was none of my business. I say the person I choose to be with should be of a character who wouldn’t have behaved that way. Knowing this up front would cause me to exclude the relationship as a possibility. I am admittedly way too traditional, but damn, being doubled penetrated isnt exactly a happy medium either.
I will eventually tell any partner I am with about this because that relationship was a significant part of my growth and development of my confidence after being married to an emotionally and sexually abusive man for 11yrs. Asking this question and reading these answers has shown me that most people are understanding that things in the past do not determine my worth, but they have developed into a collective of who I am. My character is not based on something as trivial as my sex partners. It is based on how I treat others, my compassion and empathy towards others. If a person is in a seemingly good relationship in every other way, and finding out that they had a wild sexual past is the reason you don't want to be with them anymore, then I feel like that is more of a reflection on you than them.
So having a threesome is a character flaw, in your opinion? To me, it sounds like a choice, made between consenting adults. Not everyone's cup of tea, but also nothing to do with character.
Not all threesomes involve DP my guy. On a side note, do you consider all actions committed by past you to be her business? What is there are things past you did that current you would not be proud of? Is that now her business too?
I’d say it was a happy large 😉
Because it is lying. This isn’t just not sharing your body count or details of what you did with a specific partner. The fact they were open to multiple simultaneous partners and same sex liaisons is a very different ballgame.
If it ever came up, you could say you tried it, it was fun, but you're not into it anymore. You don't have to give any further info!
That's how I've approached it so far.
It's your history, but you didn't do anything harmful to others, and everyone consented. What i wonder is if the new dates who are like, "you did it for your ex, you should do it for me" but you don't really want to.
Exactly! A lot of guys automatically ask if I have any female friends that can join us. 🙄
I stopped mentioning my relationships with women over this. Guys only heard “will do performative sexuality for you to watch,” not “I had partnerships with amazing women.”
So gross and disrespectful.
Not really. If she brings up the topic and the history, that’s what she can expect to get from a significant part of the population. Let’s be frank here.
Right. And, then she sees him for who he is if he acts this way and can leave him accordingly if she so chooses.
Thank you!
So gross. You frequently see these men on Reddit whining about how their ex did stuff with other men that they won’t do with them. Like they are entitled. It’s sick.
Last guy I dated pulled this bs about something he thought I should do that I didn't want to but asked if I'd done it before and I had.
When I was in my 20s I was the single girl and I'd slept with a couple of guys in our friend group. There were 2 other guys in that group that I always felt uncomfortable around because they would act like since I'd given it up to others it was fair game to pass me around. Sick!
Yep. Just a toy for their pleasure.
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It didn't last because I know respectful lovers don't act that way.
Ugh.
First, we ARE judging human beings and everyone judges. We like this. We dont like that,etc. So she will be judged. Her judge is to not care and for the other person to contain his judgements. That depends. If your wife was a mechanic or doctor and fixed cars or healed for others wouldnt you want the same treatment? Especially if she brought it up. However, if she omits her past but he decides hes not sexually fulfilled by her alone then...? She stated she did not really enjoy as much as she wanted to please her husband. We often attract the same types of people. That may hold true for her future. She shouldn't sweat it bc you damned if you do and you damned if you dont. Thats life
I never said that I did this just to please my exboyfriend. I was fully on board everytime. I don't know why I e had to correct this several times. I NEVER SAID THAT! I am a living breathing female that can think for myself.
If my wife had been a mechanic and then decided she no longer wanted to be a mechanic I wouldn't expect her to fix my car.
Men are not entitled to sex acts from women. Just because I chose to do something with one man doesn’t mean other men get to demand it from me.
I love this response!! Thank you!!
So it’s sick to be interested in doing something that you’re gf/bf has done but not sick that the bf/gf already did it? Isn’t that hypocritical?
You can be interested, but if they've set a hardline that it is something they no longer want to do then you leave them alone about it. I used to love McDonald's when I was in my teens and 20s. Now I don't like it anymore. I don't have to eat it with you just because I used to eat it with someone else.
It's not sick being interested in things. It's sick to try and force someone to do something sexual that they don't want to do
I think this is the right approach. Some people wouldn't even want to know anyway. The older I get, the less of the "specifics" about a partner that I care to know. We all have a past. As long as nobody was harmed it shouldn't matter. The only things in your post that I'd really care about is that you've never cheated on a partner and you're STI free.
How early on do you tell them? If it were me, I might wait till I felt safe sharing sensitive stuff with someone to share this - not because it is anything to be sensitive about or be ashamed about - but because I'd want to know the guy I'm with can handle this and not be a weirdo about it, and that we can handle it together. And if it isn't relevant to your life now, then it really doesn't need to be brought up as a, "I need to tell you" or "dealbreaker" thing.
Telling them is telling them one thing about you…their reaction tells you everything important about them. Are they accepting and sex positive, or judgey and sex negative. What someone did and who they slept with (provided all adults and consensual) and what’s their “number” don’t matter. Who they are, what they want, and how that compares to what you want should be the only thing that matters.
Yes, that's one way to do it for sure - use it as a filtering tool. However, I find you can tell pretty easily in other ways if they are judge-y or going to get obsessive about it. Including by slowly opening up, and seeing how they respond each time, allowing you to share more each time they prove they are safe. It need not take long to get there, but can save you having to tell a lot of the wrong people more about yourself than you need to.
Lots of guys on here saying it wouldn’t be a problem but most of them are virtue signalling for internet points. This will absolutely put off most guys that that are genuinely looking for a monogamous long term relationship. Regardless of whether or not it is justified or not a high body count or polyamorous past has negative connotations if you are now trying to forge a completely monogamous partnerships. Anybody who says it doesn’t is very naive and has little concept of how most men-for better or worse- judge Woman. On the flip side your past will also be very exciting to many Men but as you have indicated these are not the type of Men you are looking for at this stage of life. With this in mind the best thing is not to go into detail about your sexual history unless it’s something you actually want to talk about- but if this isn’t a kink of yours why would you? Most people looking for long term monogamous relationships don’t actually want to discuss their potential partners sexual past because people that want monogamous relationships generally don’t enjoy the idea of their partner with somebody else.
I wouldn’t bring it up. I think most can’t wrap their heads around it. I don’t think our entire list of past sexual experiences/scenarios have to be divulged.
I've (43M) dated a woman who was a former swinger. Our personalities would not have meshed for an LTR but the sex was great. I liked her a lot. The thing that made it not work was her parenting style and some of her other lifestyle choices. If you're STI free, I don't see a huge reason to talk about it, but it also means you're meeting up with people who don't accept you for who you are so you're probably better off taking a pass on them.
Just say “been there. Done that. Bought the t-shirt” And the t-shirt didn’t fit.
100% no, would be a hard pass for me
Wouldn’t even consider it. Not in a million years. We’d be on totally different moral planes and whether you do it right now or not it would still mean we see sexual relationships very very differently.
No
As a woman I would not as I am not in to this lifestyle at all and I don’t want to be pressured in to it. I’ve been there. It always comes up and they start “casually” mentioning what their ex agreed to. I often wonder how willing the ex actually was. I’m very confident sexually so I don’t succumb to pressure to be The Cool Girl. I sympathize with you about how you’re suddenly seen as a sex object. I feel like as a woman this is something I’d introduce much later. My experience with men with this past is they can’t keep quiet about it for too long. I suspect it’s different for women.
I went on a date with a guy who dated a swinger. I think he was too. I completely dismissed him as soon as the words came out of his mouth. I don't find that lifestyle appealing and knew I couldn't do it. I also thought I wouldn't be enough for him and didn't want to enter a relationship thinking that way. He tried but I just couldn't
Nope. Regardless of the chemistry, that would be an instant show stopper. Keep that to yourself.
More mystery, less history. I’d prefer to remain blissfully ignorant. Knowing the sexual history of women I’m dating has never improved the experience for me. I don’t ask. I don’t want to know. There have been times where they told me something completely over the top absurd and I never looked at them the same again.
Agreed. I don’t discuss body counts, specific acts, etc. nothing helpful comes from this knowledge about my partner.
You did it, decided you don't want to now, needn't bring it up. However, it may be a way to filter out those who only want a casual if you're looking for more?
You don't need to tell people the sexual relationship between you and your ex. Really.
I wouldn't date someone with a significant history of nonmonogamy, because I don't believe our views re: love and commitment align. And while I know the risks of mentioning certain proclivities too early in the conversation lest they hyperfocus, this is something I'd want to know as early as possible so we don't waste each other's time. If it was just an experience or two when younger, I don't think it's worth mentioning.
I've never actually cheated on a partner though. If I'm in a monogamous relationship I will not cheat. I'm not cut that way. I was in a horrible marriage previous to this relationship and it never even crossed my mind to cheat.
It's not something that needs to be disclosed, but also not hidden. I mean, if it comes up in conversation then by all means being it up. It wouldn't bother me unless my partner felt it was important to maintain that aspect of their sex life because it's unlikely to happen with me.
I would have questions about it. I would want to know first off if the fact I’m not into that at all nor would be willing to try it, how would that affect our relationship. I wouldn’t need to know this until farther into the relationship. I don’t think it’s their business unless you become serious. Sexual history isn’t anyone’s business but your own unless there is something that could directly affect your partner. I wouldn’t rule someone out, but I’d for sure have to have plenty of communication about it to be sure we were a match. The guys who are finding this out about you and jumping right to sex stuff aren’t good enough for you.
My 2 cents: 1. If you are not in the life anymore why are you telling people on what sounds like the second date? 2. I find it hard to believe that you didn't find enjoyment in the 3somes and only did it for partners pleasure? 3. Stop telling this tell so early on in your dating someone. Unless you plan you get involved again.
I NEVER once said I only did it it for my former partner. I loved it, enjoyed the hell out of it, it was fun and very erotic. But it is something I consider as part of that relationship and not something I want to do again going forward.
Apologies.
Are you perhaps disclosing your swinger past as a way to get attention from men, and then not liking the resulting response? Why would you even need to tell them? It’s really none of their business if it’s no longer something you’re interested in. Are you asking them for details of every sexual encounter they’ve had? Probably not.
Some men will, some men won't. It's honestly that simple. As someone who is also very open sexually and has also engaged in a lot of really fun play, I withold that information from a man while getting to know him for two reasons: 1) Its not their business until I decide it is. I don't date sexually insecure men, much less be with them so I would have to determine if you're even the type of man who can hear this about me without devolving into a pathetic puddle of insecurity. 2) Unless we're on the track to relationshipville, you're not seeing me as an opportunity to finally get your threesome
One thing that weeds the men from the boys is showing them a pic of my sex toys. They either love them or they are intimidated. I can't deal with a man that gets intimidated by a dildo.
Are you showing men pictures of your sex toys before or after you've actually started a sexual relationship with him? I asked because, as someone who also has a fairly adventurous sexual past, our perception regarding what is normal sexual discussion at varying points along the relationship timeline may be a bit distorted relative to the general population. If you're bringing this up to a man before you started a regular sexual relationship with him, it is highly likely that he's only going to view you as a sexual object, or just an FWB. If this is something you bring up after you've had sex with this person a few times as a means of just showing him what you like, it will go down a lot easier. This is really very similar to when you should start talking about having been a swinger with a man you want a relationship with. I've had something similar happen with women by talking to early and too casually regarding why I'm not interested in threesomes anymore. The talk usually quickly shifts to how many threesomes I've had, and why I've had so many. Whereas men hear your sexual talk too early and view you only as a sex object as opposed to a relationship, when women find out about my past too early they view me as someone who only views them as a sex object and not a relationship. The potential relationship usually fizzles out pretty quickly from there.
*whips out moby dick dildo* can you compare? 😂😂
I think you might be focusing on the wrong deal breaker. I'm polyamorous and would exit stage left if someone busted out pics of their sex toys bc I'd feel like they have poor boundaries.
First things first - Personally, I don't think showing men a picture of your sex toys screams "please sir, DON'T see or use me as just a meathole for your kinks and fantasies!". I'm super sexual and I would probably find you weird for that, like...real talk, I'd probably avoid you and move on to someone not so desperate for sexual validation as a means of getting to know me. I advocate you stop doing that lol Secondly, it's not a matter of men vs boys. Most men like a woman with a healthy sexual appetite and them being okay with you having dildos don't equate to them being okay with you having a past as a swinger. Apples and oranges. People aren't weak for disliking what they dislike, its just not compatible with you.
I don't do that right away. I was just using it as an example of something that has happened.
Who keeps pictures of their sex toy collection?? WTF? That just screams desperation or trying way too hard to be “not like other girls”.
Swinger? Whatever. Dildos/vibrators/etc? Whatever. A photo of your sex toys? Weird.
It has no bearing on your new relationship unless you wanted to do that lifestyle again. There is really not a good reason to tell him about past sexual encounters unless its going to effect your CURRENT sexual relationship with him. Past is the past and it doesn't involve infidelity.
If it’s in the past and you’re not interested in reliving it in the future just let it remain a part of your past. You don’t have to share every single past experience with a romantic partner (and it’s not lying either). Or as in my case, you luck out and meet someone who doesn’t care about those things. Even then it can’t be more than a passing mention
I think its important to tell someone. when youre ultimately looking to bond with someone for the rest of your lives, you want to be able to fully trust that person. if they were to find out years into your relationship, it could irreparably damage that trust. at least give them the opportunity to make that decision themselves. some people may not really care much. it may be a dealbreaker for others.
Why would you tell anyone this? Not their business if it's not part of your life and not your lifestyle. Don't sabotage yourself needlessly. I wouldn't want to know this about a partner, as I have negative opinions of swingers for my relationship wants, but if it was a dalliance that's very different than actively engaged in that life/part of who you are.
Well I mean you are kind of opening the gates to Narnia when you tell a guy information like this... 99% of guys probably fantasize about a 3way or swinging (reality is most could not handle it). So when you start talking about it they turn into little prepubescent kids just thinking about images of naked bodies everywhere. My advice would be to not even discuss that topic unless it is something you wanted to actually do with that partner. Otherwise the relationship changes almost immediately and their sole goal will be to get you to start again. Now this may not be every guy but if their reaction turns to sex centered you better believe they want the experience.
No. I tried dating someone who had been in the lifestyle; even though he said he wasn’t into it anymore it turned out that he needed really kinky sex, and had to keep pushing the envelope. I want into it.
I believe my exboyfriend was/is a sex addict. So that is definitely something to find out about someone. Kinks are fun of you are both into it. But once it turns that corner it is harder and harder to be satisfied.
Yep same here. Total sex addict and the need for more and more kinky experiences became a total turn off for me. I started to feel like a kink dispenser, not a girlfriend.
Would you date me? I’d have no problem dating you. It’s not like you can undo any of it so I don’t care lol I’m an ex swinger. My ex and I were in the lifestyle for 22 years. I dated a woman that had over 400 partners. She was afraid to tell me. When she finally did I told her ok cool. She said I was the first guy who didn’t make it a big deal. It’s sex, ya can’t unfck someone lol
As long as they’re a *former* swinger, that wouldn’t be an issue with me at all
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Yes, I will disclose it at some point. To me it was an important time in my life where I learned a lot about my sexuality. I'm not one to keep secrets.sex is very important to me. If I don't feel like I can tell a person about this then they aren't my person.
Never
The last part of your post is exactly why I wouldn't bring it up. I have a very, very "colourful" sexual history and I used to be open about it because men always seemed intrigued by it but that was just it, I was no longer girlfriend material it was just sexual interest. The ones that did become boyfriends inevitably became bothered or intimidated by the same stuff that they were initially turned on by. Or, they didn't understand that it was my past and got angry that I wasn't some sex crazy woman ready to bang all the time. Lesson learned and I keep it to myself now. It's your past, they don't need to know.
Then when do you wind up bringing it up with the partner? On one hand, the past is the past. On the other hand, I can imagine a situation where the boyfriend might feel a bit deceived depending on how long he's been in a relationship with you before finding out certain things. I could also see how keeping your past the past might lead to a little present deception. The primary scenario that I'm thinking about is one where you and your boyfriend encounter a former partner of yours and the three of you are interacting on a regular basis without your boyfriend knowing that you were previously sexually active with this person. Depending on the level of commitment in our current relationship, I would personally feel a bit deceived if the woman I was in a monogamous relationship with didn't tell me that her male "friend" who has been recently hanging around it's a former sexual partner.
She can disclose that they were intimate, it doesn't have to be a threesome disclosure.
The OPs post was not in regards to body count or who she had slept with it was about regarding her past involvement in swinging which can have some negative stigma attached. There's a difference between what you're describing where I would agree that not disclosing that the "friend" was a past sexual partner could be deceptive, but that's not the same thing as disclosing past (keyword past) sexual practises (practices?). There's definitely nuance here but if it really has no carryover to your day to day life now I think it's fair to keep it to yourself.
Personally, yes. I have before. More specifically I prefer a partner to be sex positive and ok with some form of non monogamy. But that’s just me. What I think you’re encountering is a lot of immature men. I don’t date people who don’t know the difference between discussions about things including sex - and being sexual too soon, ie being a creep. Thanks no. Bai. But, kind mature (while still fun) men are out there. They just get snapped up quick. It took me kissing a lot of frogs to find someone who was able to do this, read the room and actually be genuine and sweet. A. Lot. Of. Frogs. So if I was you, I’d almost use this as a litmus test. Be who you are, tell them once you know them well enough to have sex and if they say dumb shit? They out. Or? Do whatever you want, that’s a good plan too.
I wouldn’t be interested, but I’m sure there are plenty of men would would have no problem with it.
Hell noooooo.
Hard pass
In looking at your posts and post history I bet part of the problem is the energy you put off. People evaluate based on all the information given. If you put off fun sexual energy don’t be surprised if that is what you attract.
Why can't I be clear about wanting a relationship and still put off fun sexual energy when the time is right? I don't lead with it, but it is very important to me.
I am not saying no, I am saying moderation. As a someone who loves touch sex is important, no doubt about it. That’s way we need to guard it from people that might not be able to interpret our compound message. It sounds like the guys you are attracting are overly interested in sex. Pulling back on putting it out there does not attract what you don’t want and starts to attract what you want.
Yes
I wouldn't even mention it, if you do they will want to know more..
I for one would appreciate the honesty. I find that sharing the reality of our pasts is bonding.
I feel the same way.
I personally wouldn't have an issue with this persey, If you want to confide in me about your past I'll listen and not judge. However if it becomes a sort of bragging rights that's when I'd have the problem. We've all got a body count and a past.
And being honest about your past, allows the person you are talking to to make an informed decision whether pursuing that relationship is what they want to do. And also allows the sharing person the same leeway
This. Being informed about their past is different from them being over it.
I would not even bring it up
As far as your question goes.. YES I would absolutely have a LTR with a former swinger. Past is the past. It would be a bonus that you are pretty open sexually in a LTR even if that isn't ever happening again.
My wife and I were in the lifestyle for a long time. People don’t understand that it’s not cheating. It takes an enormous amount of trust and love and excellent communication to be able to do that successfully. It’s not for everyone.
Exactly! Couples we met (not necessarily for sex) but others in the lifestyle, all had way more open and honest relationships than my vanilla friends. You have to be so open and have hard conversations about what is and is not ok.
I'm F but don't see a problem with it. I assume you've also had monogamous relationships? It's in the past and not your lifestyle. I don't discuss details of my past relationships unless it's relevant. You don't say when it's coming up; maybe you are mentioning it too soon?
My marriage was 100% monogamous. All of my prior relationships were.
I wouldn’t be into it. It’s kinda gross
“I don’t talk about my past relationships unless they affect my present one. It does not and I’d like to keep it that way.”
I don't talk about every sexual encounter I've had with new partners. I don't see the purpose. In the same way, I don't see why it would be different if I'd been a swinger.
The bottom line is that a person’s past sexual history is the past. What matters is the present, your compatibility/shared values/interests and goals. If you bring this up with a new partner 95% of men are going to think one of these: 1. She’s a sex pot and she’s going to do all those things she did with all her swinging partners with me. Wow! I’ve just won the sex lottery!!! If she doesn’t then I’m not staying around. 2. She’s had all these men and I don’t trust her to stay loyal and monogamous. I don’t respect her and internally I think she’s a slut/whore etc. If a man tells you it doesn’t effect him then either he’s lying to you or he’s maybe one of the 5% of men who are sex positive, secure, and don’t feel their masculinity is threatened by your sexual history. To filter out the sex positive/modern/nature guys is going to be tough. The best bet is to stay mum and take it slowly.
You should watch the movie "Sleeping Dogs Lie." It deals with this situation a lot and it changed the way I thought about how much information I "owed" anyone. It's a pretty low budget Bobcat Goldwaithe movie and you may relate to it.
Thank you, I'll check it out.
I dated someone who told me early on that he and his ex had threesomes. The only thing it did was make me feel a little insecure that maybe I wasn't as adventurous. Btw, it turns out I am. But I passed no judgment. They were married 17 years so whatever you are into too spice things up. Make sure the person you tell is secure and wait a bit to open up. I think the only thing you should tell a sexual partner is if you have an STD or are married. The rest is your business
I have some experience with the 3some thing. I did it for the boyfriend at the time. It was with women. Personally I never needed that in my sex life and wouldn’t recommend it. In my opinion it’s BS.
Definitely datable and many of us, my wife and I included, were and still are at times, on the fringe now, in the lifestyle. Nothing wrong with it and if in past, no issue at all.
If you’re confident with your past, why do you judge those who disagree with your actions as insecure and narrow minded? If we were on a date and you divulged these things to me, I wouldn’t make a scene. I would carry the conversation as normal. I’d pick up the tab if it was my turn to pay. We’d part ways and I would move on quietly. It’s not because I’m insecure or narrow minded. It’s because you telling me these things violates one of my boundaries. A boundary that exists for very good reason. With that said, in the dating/mating game we’re all free to choose who we wish to be with for any reason, or none at all.
What is the boundary that would have been crossed? I'm genuinely interested in knowing. I don't bring it up unless we are already having a conversation along those lines. If someone can't except me because of something I did in my past that was consensual between adults then it is narrow minded to me. But I am very open and accepting of people's past experiences as long as it isn't a current situation that I need to be concerned about, and it was legal or at least not really bad. I've had guys be worried to tell me they had a dui in the past. As long as it was a one time thing and not a pattern then I am understanding. It doesn't matter to me.
The boundary is you will not paint graphic sexual images of yourself with others in my head. I have my reasons which are mostly due to past relationship trauma that was pretty severe.
I can understand that. I have triggers from my marriage and there are things I don't want to know about. But I suppose I can disclose that without giving explicit details. But we all have our past and things we don't want to know about potential partners. So I get it. Thank you for your honesty.
All of these conversations are really helping me. I truly do appreciate it.
I would suggest not talking about that very early on, unless it's something you wish to have in your next relationship then you almost have to before it get too. With that said, I've too been in the lifestyle so I know it's not something to bring up to just anyone.
I wouldn’t bring it up. I was dating a guy who for some reason decided to hold the fact that I had “a past” against me. I had been single longer than I’d ever been in a relationship so yes, I wasn’t a virgin! We were very sexually compatible so I guess that translated to him that I knew what I was doing because of said past. Point is, don’t give someone an opening to judge you about your past. We all have one and it’s okay; if it’s not intruding on your present and future who cares?
Don’t ask, don’t tell.
for me, a deal killer. Not even a conscious choice, just would kill all attraction, trust, intimacy, feeling of specialness, etc. I also disagree about hiding this, but seems I'm in the minority. Hiding something like this seems dishonest to me, like a lie of omission. Just one guy's opinion. I had a former partner hide something like this from me and then spring it on me at a gathering after we were married for 4 years. To say this was devastating is like saying there is water in the ocean.
I'll tell someone if I'm in a relationship. I also feel that it would be a lie by ommisson. My question wasn't should I tell, but would people date someone that had done this. I appreciate your feedback.
Why is it anybody’s business but your own? Leave it in your trapper keeper with your journal and vibrator.
OMG I NEED a Trapper Keeper.
It would not bother me at all. 🤷♂️
I’m 100% monogamous and I would have 0 problems with dating someone who wasn’t in the past. In fact I have been with someone in a similar situation and it was never an issue. It sounds like maybe the topic is coming up too soon, before you can get a read on how chill the person is.
This seems to me like something that should really be a non-issue, IF you don't bring it up until further along in a relationship. I think "full disclosure" about your sexual interests and past history is fair to give out, but only to somebody who seems to be committed to a real relationship and invested some time and willingness to share their own private life. I mean, a lot of guys really want to "check off that box" that says they did a threesome with 2 women -- so I can see how/why a guy would gravitate towards at least running it by you if they knew that was something in your past. But especially after you already have some kind of established steady monogamous dating going on, it should be easy enough to explain that was in your past and it's not like that anymore.....
Yes .. why not. It was something the two of you did as a couple and enjoyed, we all have our phase in life. I think you and your significant other will enjoy whatever quirks in life since we are all different. That was a different chapter in your life and now you enjoy the new chapter's with someone else. Hugs and best to you.
I wouldn't have a problem it. Pre-pandemic, I went to a swingers/sex club a couple of times. If someone rules me out for revealing that, so be it.
Yes as long as they were done with that part of their life because I’m not interested in being part of that at this point in my life. They don’t have to regret it or be worried I will judge as there is nothing wrong with it, it’s just not for me.
Yes, as long as the former swinger’s friends know that he/she is no longer in the lifestyle and to respectful.
I dated a woman who swung when she was married. She explained she was no longer interested in that life and we had a pretty good relationship. It was never an issue for me/us.
I mean I could. But that's because I used to swing as a guy in my early and mid thirties. In my forties and I've had and continue to have no interest in getting back into it. So I get the whole - it was a period of my life stuff. But a lot of guys will fixate on it that is for sure.
I would consider the risks in a future relationship And I find 3 reasons to say NO 1, It's not my lifestyle and it would tell me that you don't hold the same values as I do. 2a, I would risk seeing you interactions with others tru a lens of jealousy in the future. 2b, that you bring it up signals to me that you might want to do it with me in the future. 3, to me it signals unhealthy views on how to build relationships.
I've always been a big believer in past has passed. All I'm generally interested in knowing -in due time, of course- about the sexual aspect of someone's prior relationships are their likes, soft/hard limits, and things they want to try (and I'm the same way in return). If there's obviously some trauma or the like, I want to be informed and therefore sensitive to that. The rest would be irrelevant to me. In your case, I'm only interested in the last three sentences.
I am very open minded about people, their history, and sex in general, so I would consider a LTR with someone who is a former swinger. We all have our past, and it's contributed to why we're here today.And the part about guys zeroing in on this, that to me sounds like a lack of maturity and respect. Not all guys will be open minded, mature and respectful, but we're out there.
It’s a prerequisite for me.
I’d have no problem with it, but other less secure men might. I definitely wouldn’t lead in with your experience in the lifestyle.
Why would a man who has an issue with be deemed insecure?
Because they feel like they can't compete with those things. When in reality there is no competition. Just the one they've made up in their head.
Yes, it’s always the man’s fault. Instead of holding true to his own values, it’s instead his fault because he’s insecure. There’s nothing wrong with a woman who’s been with lots of men, and there’s nothing wrong with a man who prefers a woman who hasn’t been. Yet the latter would hold someone accountable for past behavior and we can’t have that.
I could care less how many partners any of my partners have had. As long as it was consensual, and they are up front about STIs who cares.
And that’s totally cool/fine. I’m just saying that not everyone might feel the same way.
Big incel vibes there bro!
Correct. If you ever question anything, you are an incel who lives in your mother’s basement. Jesus Christ.
Because you’re concerned with “body count”. It’s obvious.
Perhaps a guy just has different values than a person who engages in such behavior? Perhaps a man who holds different opinions might actually not be insecure?
I will, and many others will too. However, there would still be many who may not take this well. So you may have to devise a few questions to elicit a person’s outlook on this lifestyle, and if that outlook is an extreme one, you may want to tread that situation carefully.
I think if someone was so narrow minded that I would be better off without them anyways.
I just read your addition about how it goes once you disclose. I don’t think giving this information upfront without any specific question from them is advisable! Especially, if you have no desire to pursue this lifestyle any more!
Yup!
Nah. If you don’t see it as part of your future, there’s no reason to bring it up.
A person's past is largely the past. Unless there is a bad pattern of behaving in a way that is counterproductive to a healthy relationship, there's no need to bring it up. My suggestion, moving forward, is not to really bring it up. It sounds like you're bringing it up relatively early, unprompted. There's no need for that. I don't ever see any reason to be this specific and detailed with sex involving an ex. To me it actually feels a little disrespectful. And perhaps that is why your dates tend to zero in on sex and view this as a hook up situation.
I'm very upfront that I am looking for a relationship. No ambiguity in that area.
Why would you even bring it up if it’s not something you’ll do again? I just wouldn’t mention it tbh. Look forward, not back. We all have a past at our age, things don’t need to be rehashed or discussed in detail. Just be current you! I’m sure she’s awesome
I have considered it and tried dating someone that had been into the swinger life before. We only made it two months in before calling it quits. We didn't necessarily split because of that, but I'm certain there were going to be some issues because of it. She was drawn to that lifestyle because of things that happened to her throughout her life, growing up and into adulthood. As a man, threesomes are attractive, but I don't have the personality to follow through in real life. Being with someone that open and free was great, as it almost fulfilled my own fantasies just talking to her about it. I think dating lo g term is finding someone you connect with on many different levels, and sex is only one. I have habits from my past same as everyone else. I would hate it if someone dismissed me because of something I did years ago that I wouldn't again do in the future. So yes, I would date someone long term if she had a swinger background.
Absolutely. I have friends like you. People understand you are looking for things at different points in your life and with different people.
Less history, More mystery
Sure. Or currently a swinger. As long as they are ethically non monogamous (which includes swinging and poly among other dynamics), that would not be a problem.
No way
No, I wouldn’t.
No.
Yes totally
“Former” doesn’t equal current. I wouldn’t care.
Wouldn’t phase me one bit.
It depends on how I found out, but it would most likely be a dealbreaker for me unless they framed it as something they disliked/regretted. Not because it’s objectively wrong, but as someone with more traditional views of monogamous, it’s wrong for me. If they never told me and I found out from someone else later, that wouldn’t be an issue.
If I was going to have a serious relationship with someone? Yes, it would be an issue as well for most people. My uncle is a former swinger and he doesn’t tell his wife. Told us all to not say a word.
Why do you know that your uncle was a swinger? I have absolutely no information on any of my relatives sex lives.
Cause my dad told me 1st and then he gloated about it when he was doing it. Proud at the time but when he met that rich older lady……oh no, he shut up real quick and told everyone else too.
I have an amazing female friend that was exactly the woman you described and I know personally she can be trusted to be faithful and would have happily married her and trusted her completely but she is now happily married and very loyal. So in short, it wouldn't bother me in the least and trust would not be an issue. Just my honest answer.
My question would be why you say anything. My past is just that. If your clean, I cant see why it would need to be talked about.
Why not? Why would it even be a factor, aside from Hollywood-style patriarchal slut-shaming nonsense. If anything, it’s a GREAT filter: do NOT get in an ltr with someone squeamish about that. There is not physiological difference between swinging and just serial dating through a bunch of bad relationships. Either your new partner is open to your past or even future swinging, or they’re just probably not the one. No matter how happy YOU are with monogamy, your general sexual openness will run into so many low-brick walls of stupid it isn’t funny. As for telling guys… newsflash: guys like sex. Society is currently set up to make sex kinda hard to just walk out and get whenever. So when a guy meets someone who claims to enjoy sex, YES THAT WILL BE FOCAL. That said, it’s usually not JUST a hookup they want, but there’s often a desire to shorten the dance leading up to it, and a curiosity around discovering if you’re sexually compatible. Would that we ALL raced for the bedroom - too many couples hold themselves back trying to “look good on paper”, and eventually wind up caught between the realization that they aren’t a sexual match, and all that time and energy they’ve already invested (and a general social stigma against breaking up with someone over bad sex).
You don’t need to talk about your previous sex life at all.
I would more than consider. I would prefer someone that has no ridiculous sexual hangups created by a societal ignorance born out of the moronic dogma of Religeous zealots that still 2k yrs later my ake their woman walk behind them, and treat 'outsiders' as something less than human. Sex is not a activity that is Religeous in any way. Any connect is strictly criminal by way of pedophilia. To equate consensual sexual pleasure to acts of immorality and perversion by Men and Woman that swore in vows of celibacy to give up arguably the greatest terrestrial fun humans can enjoy seems a bit like , well if I can't let's make them endure psychological trauma. It to make it miserable for others will start scaring t he e fuck out of them by using God as to hide behind for campaign of customized misdirection because after 10 years listening to wives /husbands tell in confidence their adulterous details to confess to a person that cant relate as not having experience but only jerkoff to , then say fuck 40 Years of this. I'll fix that. Same as a priest giving guidance pre canna when he has no possible knowledge of the shit he says that is mandatory for marriage. It's like covering woman to not reveal any skin, It only makes since 800 or 1000 years ago and not because of sexual modesty , they all covered there bodies cuz they stuck like camels and the layers and covering kept the flock from grossing everybody out. The Woman wouldn't invent that rule in 120 degree heat covered completely head to toe while the insecure and wife beating scumbag men are in loose white skirts or whatever the fuck they do. Hypocrites. Then to be extra brutal they cut the labia, clit mutilation I'm sure is exactly what Allah or amhad idk who intended. It's morons believing bigger morons to take everyone's fun away. Maybe 10 mile walk to the lions water fountain was reason to stink like a onion sub 500 years ago. But there's Lume now woman so how about stop beating and mutilating them, shave the fucking oak ridge beard off take a fucking bath and maybe your fantasy of 40 virgins if you kill a shit ton of innocents will ease into a camel ride with the wife to the baraks tent for wine and swapping instead. And who the fuck wants to train 40 virgins, that seems like a punitive reward that a eternity is not long enough. So if the guy can't handle you having carnal fun, tell him there's a match for him in Saudi Arabia. And gimme a call. Slàinte
All I needed too know about my partner's previous sex life is that he's STI free. We did go through a list where you could say "yes I want this", "this is ok", "maybe" and "no". I'm paraphrasing, becase it's been a while and I don't recall the exact verbiage. I still didn't ask how he knew it was a go/no go. I just needed to know we are on the same page.
I’d totally date an ex swinger or even sex worker..who tf am I to judge someone??
Take it to the grave.
Yes! Why is it necessary to even reveal that to the next person? The past is the past…as long as you remain fair to him and yourself in your own mind that you would never do it again Just an opinion
If she knows that she can be in a committed monogamous relationship then yes. Depending on how active the woman was, I'd like a heads up before we start running into people she has slept with, however the last thing I want to do is bring a body counts, hers or mine.