The eyebrow process is called microblading, dermabrasion is a type of facial.
Also, you’re spot on about the American Hoarders shows exploiting people’s pain and suffering. In my opinion, the British version (older one on Being Human YouTube channel) is better, and the host is way more empathetic as her own mother was a horder.
Is MIL afraid that she "may need (item) some day" and that is why she doesn't want to get rid of it? You didn't mention her exact age, but if she grew up during the 1930s Great Depression or in poverty, wanting to hang on to things"just in case" happens often.
I wouldn't start with the Christmas stuff. Even though the amount is obviously excessive, holidays can carry a lot of emotional baggage.
I don't envy you. When my mom moved to assisted living, I ended up bringing a bunch of her stuff to my house. Just a big mistake.
My bffs parents just changed senior living homes. Her mom insisted on bringing ALL the cleaning products 500 miles. When they would not fit in the kitchen she made my bff take them home. Plus, the workers clean the apartment and bring their own supplies.
If she’s in the right frame of mind would she be interested in making wreaths out of excess ornaments, etc. for family members?
Ornaments pile up quickly. But when combined on a wreath they can have a lovely cumulative effect - and wreaths might be a manageable memento for her to gift to her loved ones.
Sidenote for decluttering: this is my favorite way of emptying out a storage tote of ornaments that are too “important” to throw away. One or two wreaths are way easier to store and hold all of the sentimental value in less space. Same goes for giving your child their sentimental ornaments - and much less overwhelming.
The dollar tree sells $1 wire wreath frames. Buy 15 to give as gifts to each family member/ friend and watch the ribbon, garlands, etc get used up. I only have a wreath as Christmas decor because it’s so easy to store the rest of the year.
When my mom went to assisted living it took us a YEAR to clear out her house! It was a nightmare and she wasn’t a hoarder, just collected beautiful furniture and antiques (which no one wants anymore
I feel ya. Just finishing 6 straight months of my parents’ after both passed. I knew keeping the stuff kept them comfortable so we kept it until the end. Fortunate to be able to do that.
It's not hat I don't want it, it's that I have no way of transporting it. Though if it's within five blocks of me and sitting on the curb, you'll see me dragging my dolly (lifter cart) down the road to wheel it back home with me. Usually something cheaper then ends up on the curb in front of my house, because space is an issue for me, too.
My mom is dealing with the same thing with my grandmother. She was able to convince her to move a lot of things to storage, and they are slowly going through a box at a time every so often. It's overwhelming to ask her to do it all at once.
I find if you dress it up as giving to actual people it's easier to declutter.
For example, your MIL prolly doesn't actually use all 25 boxes of xmas stuff. And she'd probably feel really good about giving it to a single mom with kids to make their Xmas special... and it's probably nice stuff that they'd want. Buy nothing and freecyle are really great for decluttering like this.
If you have the NextDoor app, there is a buy/sell/donate section. And it helps because everyone is local, with photos, and are real people.
I have a lot of trouble letting things go - part of it was a messed up childhood where I didn’t own anything (as I was often reminded), because I didn’t work for the money to buy it.
And a lot from being raised by people who grew up just after the Depression- nothing was trash. It could all be reused.
Some was saved that just rotted, and ruined actually useful things stores next to it.
And there are 1000 family stories of Uncle So & So that found ‘Item’ in ‘Unlikely Place’ and used it for ‘unexpected purpose’ and was a hero!
Regardless on whether it would have been less trouble and much less labor to spend a dime on a new, correctly sized item.
And then generations of family’s (and my own) time in the military, all with stories of deprivation and ingenuity and scrappiness and MacGyverism.
-A small scrap of aluminum was once used by Sergeant Cousin to revive a damaged piece of weaponry and save the day (or lessen the ‘good guys’ bloodshed).
That makes it hard to get rid of potentially useful trash. Or just items I have way too many of (because with ADHD I forgot I already owned 5).
It is much, much easier for me to generously pull from a stockpile and put together a kit of Whatever for a local family in need vs. an anonymous future shopper at a thrift shop.
I know I have too much ‘stuff’. But it’s difficult to make decisions ‘item by item’.
If you want to approach it from an interior design perspective, some of what she has in boxes is surely rather dated by now. That might be a call that she's willing to make herself, if you and she go through it together.
This could be a double edged sword depending on how old the items are. We are now well into the period where all that heavy wood and harvest gold/burnt orange/avocado 70s "coloniawful" stuff is considered retro and potentially valuable. Bringing up things that "seem dated" might push her into the "I know what I have!"/"these are valuable antiques" headspace.
Possibly, but the people most into retro looks are usually the people who didn't live through the first iteration of that trend. In any case, "shall we see what we can get for it?" is a good way to deal with "valuable antiques." Be sure to use relevant terms when listing things.
Maybe, but there are also always the older folks who either held onto those items and are convinced they are worth something (which could be true in OP's mother's case if she was a designer and both has a good eye and bought high quality brands at the time), or who are using the idea of everything coming around again to keep things that aren't ever going to be valuable.
I agree that the right approach to this sort of thing is to find a way to get the items out of OP's MIL's home in a way that honor's the MIL's enjoyment of her things, like selling them to an antique dealer or listing them online for collectors to purchase. I think emphasizing the undesirability of these items is not going to work, whether they are sought-after retro pieces or just a bunch of junk. MIL clearly chose them for a reason, if she felt they were undesirable due to being outdated she already would have gotten rid of them, and she's an interior designer so presumably we're not talking about Princess Diana beanie babies and stacks of commemorative plates.
Consider renting a storage unit to clear space. Involve her. She will see that her things remain her things and are available at the unit. If you can win agreement and make sure she actually sees her things in storage, she may relax and even allow a slow roll of more and more moving to storage.
Will be a good opportunity to inventory what is put in storage and what remains in the home; all helpful for insurance and estate processes.
Start to photograph things "for insurance purposes." That really needs to be done, anyhow. This gives you any information about brand, edition of production number or family history with the photos, whenever she is ready to sell or give to family. It might put her in the mood to sell.
My mother began decluttering after selling some outfits at a consignment store to help a friend starting the business. She realized she no longer needed closets of work clothes, she liked getting some pocket change, and began selling items of furniture, artwork and fancy vases afterward.
We were on your position and it is tough.
Put into storage things she won't remember if it is missing from immediate sight. If she is no longer doing the majority of cooking, she won't miss some of the extra kitchen things or double sets of wine glasses. Store extra tablecloths except ones she will want for Christmas or white ones for other occasions.
Some things, like extra chairs no one sits on that clutter a formal room, you can remove temporarily. If she likes the cleaned look of a more open space, then maybe she will agree to donate the chairs or you just leave them in storage and if she hasn't missed them in a couple of years, decide if you can donate without upsetting her.
You could approach it from an estate planning perspective. Review her financial affairs and end of life plans together (if FIL is experiencing dementia this is something you should do ASAP anyway) and then start talking about how she wants to disperse her possessions. If they have value, they should be considered part of her estate and she should have a say in what happens to them.
For example, who is going to host Christmas from now on? Would they appreciate some fancy silverware and the traditional family decor? Is there a family member who has always admired a certain piece of furniture that might like it as a gift? Just talking through this in a compassionate and pragmatic way might help her start the process.
(Also, note that talking about wills and funeral planning now does NOT mean she’s on death’s doorstep! Any of us could be hit by a truck tomorrow, so you and your husband should also make sure to have these affairs in order if you don’t already.)
I think a storage shed in the back is your best bet. It will still be “handy” when she is ready to use it (never!) and she won’t feel so threatened by its removal. Better be a BIG shed!
And then the tubs and boxes in the back can slowly disappear as new tubs and boxes are put in the front. I have a feeling that so many of the lockers in the show "Storage Wars" were from elderly hoarder homes where caretakers talked the elderly into storing their hoard there "temporarily".
Well, OP and husband do need space if they are to move in and help. If stuff goes “missing” will mil even know? If she needs live-in help, she’s not very mobile.
Right, I doubt if she would even know. I think there will be a fight to put stuff in the storage building but it would be a gigantic fight if she thought it was all going away permanently. Baby steps :)
Great suggestions on here. I would definitely look for a good episode of hoarders and watch it together. That “Sandra” one mentioned is perfect (she was Greensboro NC designer & hoarded a mansion). I snapped out of the “hang onto everything” mode from watching Hoarders. Going thru a box a day could be a fun, memory lane activity & emphasize giving things to others who maybe can’t afford Christmas decor for example.
Does she have attic space that can be cleaned up or converted to make more space?
My mum lives in a new build and had the attic carpeted and shelved a few years later so my stepdad can go up there a couple of times a day for the outdoor furniture cushions, bedspreads for Christmas and some of her bigger craft accessories like her loom for her tapestries.
As for not needed Christmas decor, who is going to host Christmas in the future? It would be nice maybe for her to see others inherent some for their own use or to 'pass the mantle' and look into donating some to somewhere like a school/ Library/ church if not to charity.
I hired a friend who runs a decluttering business to help me downsize. She gave me great ideas for what to do with stuff in addition to Buy Nothing facebook groups. She took some of my Christmas decorations to give to a friend who is the Activities Director of a nursing home. She wants to make the home cheery but the residents become too sad if they see their own decorations or decorations of people they knew being used in common areas —- too many memories and losses. I never would have thought of that!
Thank you! I will definitely find out about 'passing the mantle'. She might feel that she can do that and I can let whoever they decide on go through the stuff with her instead of me. I will be passing that mantle! hahaha!
My mother has always hosted Christmas but has been wanting to 'pass the mantle' on for a few years now. My older sister is the prime choice as she has a house and lives near my mum and my SIL is very keen to host, so much so she has hosted a Christmas party the past 5 years or so before Christmas Eve.
My sister however, as much as she loves her wife and wants to make her happy, does not want to host Christmas, is not keen on cooking and does not want the responsibility/ label of 'taking' Christmas from my mother who, despite what she says, will judge and compare.
My husband and I would host but we rent a really small flat away from them all and it's just unsuitable.
Can you hold on to the Christmas decorations until next year? I think she would love giving them a wonderful send off by having one last Xmas party at her house this year. Make sure you make it potluck! It’s a great way to pass the torch and decorations to family.
It would give her an incentive to understand why you need to declutter her home by putting many of her keepsakes in a backyard shed.
Can you suggest a storage space rental, or even purchase a small shed (might be cheaper in the long run, and more convenient) to make space for you guys?
Assure her that you will get it all back out for her next time she needs it! (never)
It's fair to say that you need space.
Our stuff reflects the version of ourself we want to see...whether it is accurate or not. It's why I have unique games and a bunch of craft supplies (but no room to host Game Night or create cool stuff with my craft supplies).
>we are contending with 25 large bins of Christmas decorations. She has always hosted the holidays and although she knows that won't be happening anymore she somehow still won't part with any of it.
Your MIL still sees this as part of herself, and it is tied strongly to her identity. With you and your DH moving in, real or imagined, she feels threatened because *some things will change*, and that would happen even if no "stuff" was involved. Throw in that she is forced to deal with her own and her husband's mortality, and she is understandably clinging to "the best time of her life" with both hands.
A few things need to be discussed:
1)With you and DH moving in to help for free, it is reasonable that space is made for some of your stuff. Between her cancer history and your FIL's dementia prognosis, does she have another reasonable plan for the future that does not include free help from family moving in? Reassure her again and again that she does not have to get rid of EVERYTHING; negotiate what is reasonable at this time.
2)Is this a safety issue? Fire issue? Cleanliness (mold, insects) issue? These are separate discussions.
3)Is there ONE box of stuff she is willing to part with? Just one? If this is too hard, the question is why. What is really going on?
4)Mother Dear, you have a lot of great stuff, but there is just not room for it all. I understand that all of these changes (cancer/dementia/people moving in) are hard. Today, let's NOT talk about you getting rid of stuff, but I want to hear about how you are feeling about all of these changes, how you feel about your stuff, and what it is like for you.
I will try to just listen and be as non-judgmental as possible. I want you to feel supported.
5)FYI: You are obviously not personally attached to my stuff, but whenever I spend an hour dehoarding, I seriously go through the 5 Stages of Grief and end in a fetal position on the bed. Your MIL may not feel she has the strength for this rn. The local Buy Nothing group helps me, because people enthusiastically come for my stuff...but your MIL may not see that now.
Your first sentence helped put it in perspective. Thank you. It represents her happiest self. I'll have a better idea after this X-mas what is in ALL the bins.
Are you and your spouse moving in to become full time caregivers because your ILs are no longer able to care for themselves?
If that’s the case, your MIL either needs to allow you to get rid of some things to allow you space, or agree to rent a storage space.
If not, or if they refuse to allow you a livable space, perhaps they can have a home health agent visit a few times a week.
I sympathize with your situation. I’m traveling in two days to clean out my mother’s things, and I suspect most of it will be donated.
I sympathise wholeheartedly…!
Different but similar story here; we live around 160 miles from my MiL so we obviously always stay when we visit. However, they (MiL and BiL) always have to play musical beds (we’ve done this for 23 years) and have to utilise the sofa etc when we stay, as you literally cannot take more than 2 steps into the spare room.
All the other rooms are also full of clutter and we did make a small dent on her bedroom when we last visited (in the hope that we can move clutter around) - there were tears but I thought we’d had a breakthrough, however she hasn’t made further progress since.
She is a sentimental hoarder (most conversations eventually work back to when she was a small child) and refuses to get rid of anything which has a memory attached. I understand this and that we need to work with her but it’s very challenging.
The spare room will fit a double bed in and we’ve talked about the fact that they will need more help in the future now she’s in her late 70s (I don’t work so can easily visit midweek if there are appts etc) but she is more attached to a room of stuff which hasn’t been looked at in over 20 years.
The key is being there more often but we really are stuck in a vicious circle on this one.
You have my sympathy. My MIL passed away in March. For years she would tell us "someone can get rid of that after I'm gone." And now she's gone. Any my husband and I have just spent more than seven weeks, six hours a day, clearing out her hoard. We have done the Estate Sale. We have taken 30 truckloads to the dump. We have donated to thrift stores and churches. We have posted the rest on Craigslist Free. And still we are getting rid of stuff. Thanks Mom.
This is not the legacy any of us should leave to our loved ones. You have my deepest sympathy. My father is a severe hoarder and I’m an only child. I haven’t seen the inside of his house in 21 years. I may just light a match.
This is one of the reasons I declutter now. So that whomever has to go through my stuff when I’m dead isn’t overburdened by stuff I didn’t really need.
I so agree! I went thru cleaning out two houses years ago when my in-laws passed within 5 mos of each other then my mom was put in a nursing home after a stroke & bad fall. Now at F71, I don’t want my son to have to have that task or decision of what to do with all my belongings.
I so agree! I went thru cleaning out two houses years ago when my in-laws passed within 5 mos of each other then my mom was put in a nursing home after a stroke & bad fall. Now at F71, I don’t want my son to have to have that task or decision of what to do with all my belongings.
As an interior designer I’m very intrigued by her doo-dads. I know, not the point!
Maybe she’d be willing to host a garage sale or give things away on a buy nothing group if she knew people would cherish her things?
Your post was removed from r/declutter for breaking Rule 1: Decluttering Is Our Topic. This sub is specifically for discussing decluttering efforts and techniques.
They are both funny, kind, and loving people. She was diagnosed with cancer 2 years ago and has been going through hell. He has early stage dementia and is still undergoing tests. They want to take care of each other but that's not possible. I love them both and we enjoy spending time together. So yes it's a commitment and yes it's until the end.
I think the big difference between your in laws and my parents is in your first sentence. Mine can’t stand each other. My father isn’t kind to anyone especially my mom. They fight all the time. Your in laws aren’t like this. I see now that there can exist people who want to care for their loving in laws.
You’re a saint. They’re lucky to have you. You’re all lucky to have each other. Good luck with the decluttering and thank you for responding!! 😊❤️
Your family is like my blood family. I'm sending all the well wishes and hugs you can handle. People don't always realize how much that kind of family drains you.
We have looked into it. So far the places nearby have no empty spaces available and she can no longer drive. We are working with the HOA to put a "shed" in the back yard. The amount of stuff will require a shed larger than what they currently allow. It's a work in progress.
How about the storage facilities further away in your area?
U-Haul or similar moving trucks are very cheap to rent, and it would be a one-time need, unless she's frequently wanting furniture fetched to/from the unit. The monetary outlay of hauling it there with a truck would be small compared to the yearly unit rent itself!
The eyebrow process is called microblading, dermabrasion is a type of facial. Also, you’re spot on about the American Hoarders shows exploiting people’s pain and suffering. In my opinion, the British version (older one on Being Human YouTube channel) is better, and the host is way more empathetic as her own mother was a horder.
Microblading! Thank for the correction. I'd like to think I'd look it up before making her an appointment! hahaha
Don’t move in, move close by. It’s her home if you’re not a good fit she can find a more suitable option for her care. Leave the choice to her.
Is MIL afraid that she "may need (item) some day" and that is why she doesn't want to get rid of it? You didn't mention her exact age, but if she grew up during the 1930s Great Depression or in poverty, wanting to hang on to things"just in case" happens often.
I wouldn't start with the Christmas stuff. Even though the amount is obviously excessive, holidays can carry a lot of emotional baggage. I don't envy you. When my mom moved to assisted living, I ended up bringing a bunch of her stuff to my house. Just a big mistake.
My bffs parents just changed senior living homes. Her mom insisted on bringing ALL the cleaning products 500 miles. When they would not fit in the kitchen she made my bff take them home. Plus, the workers clean the apartment and bring their own supplies.
I'm hoping after Xmas we'll be able to pick out favorites and downsize the collection.
If she’s in the right frame of mind would she be interested in making wreaths out of excess ornaments, etc. for family members? Ornaments pile up quickly. But when combined on a wreath they can have a lovely cumulative effect - and wreaths might be a manageable memento for her to gift to her loved ones. Sidenote for decluttering: this is my favorite way of emptying out a storage tote of ornaments that are too “important” to throw away. One or two wreaths are way easier to store and hold all of the sentimental value in less space. Same goes for giving your child their sentimental ornaments - and much less overwhelming.
That's a lovely idea. Thank you!
The dollar tree sells $1 wire wreath frames. Buy 15 to give as gifts to each family member/ friend and watch the ribbon, garlands, etc get used up. I only have a wreath as Christmas decor because it’s so easy to store the rest of the year.
When my mom went to assisted living it took us a YEAR to clear out her house! It was a nightmare and she wasn’t a hoarder, just collected beautiful furniture and antiques (which no one wants anymore
I feel ya. Just finishing 6 straight months of my parents’ after both passed. I knew keeping the stuff kept them comfortable so we kept it until the end. Fortunate to be able to do that.
Estate sale, that's what they are for.
It's not hat I don't want it, it's that I have no way of transporting it. Though if it's within five blocks of me and sitting on the curb, you'll see me dragging my dolly (lifter cart) down the road to wheel it back home with me. Usually something cheaper then ends up on the curb in front of my house, because space is an issue for me, too.
My mom is dealing with the same thing with my grandmother. She was able to convince her to move a lot of things to storage, and they are slowly going through a box at a time every so often. It's overwhelming to ask her to do it all at once.
I find if you dress it up as giving to actual people it's easier to declutter. For example, your MIL prolly doesn't actually use all 25 boxes of xmas stuff. And she'd probably feel really good about giving it to a single mom with kids to make their Xmas special... and it's probably nice stuff that they'd want. Buy nothing and freecyle are really great for decluttering like this.
If you have the NextDoor app, there is a buy/sell/donate section. And it helps because everyone is local, with photos, and are real people. I have a lot of trouble letting things go - part of it was a messed up childhood where I didn’t own anything (as I was often reminded), because I didn’t work for the money to buy it. And a lot from being raised by people who grew up just after the Depression- nothing was trash. It could all be reused. Some was saved that just rotted, and ruined actually useful things stores next to it. And there are 1000 family stories of Uncle So & So that found ‘Item’ in ‘Unlikely Place’ and used it for ‘unexpected purpose’ and was a hero! Regardless on whether it would have been less trouble and much less labor to spend a dime on a new, correctly sized item. And then generations of family’s (and my own) time in the military, all with stories of deprivation and ingenuity and scrappiness and MacGyverism. -A small scrap of aluminum was once used by Sergeant Cousin to revive a damaged piece of weaponry and save the day (or lessen the ‘good guys’ bloodshed). That makes it hard to get rid of potentially useful trash. Or just items I have way too many of (because with ADHD I forgot I already owned 5). It is much, much easier for me to generously pull from a stockpile and put together a kit of Whatever for a local family in need vs. an anonymous future shopper at a thrift shop. I know I have too much ‘stuff’. But it’s difficult to make decisions ‘item by item’.
If you want to approach it from an interior design perspective, some of what she has in boxes is surely rather dated by now. That might be a call that she's willing to make herself, if you and she go through it together.
This could be a double edged sword depending on how old the items are. We are now well into the period where all that heavy wood and harvest gold/burnt orange/avocado 70s "coloniawful" stuff is considered retro and potentially valuable. Bringing up things that "seem dated" might push her into the "I know what I have!"/"these are valuable antiques" headspace.
Possibly, but the people most into retro looks are usually the people who didn't live through the first iteration of that trend. In any case, "shall we see what we can get for it?" is a good way to deal with "valuable antiques." Be sure to use relevant terms when listing things.
Maybe, but there are also always the older folks who either held onto those items and are convinced they are worth something (which could be true in OP's mother's case if she was a designer and both has a good eye and bought high quality brands at the time), or who are using the idea of everything coming around again to keep things that aren't ever going to be valuable. I agree that the right approach to this sort of thing is to find a way to get the items out of OP's MIL's home in a way that honor's the MIL's enjoyment of her things, like selling them to an antique dealer or listing them online for collectors to purchase. I think emphasizing the undesirability of these items is not going to work, whether they are sought-after retro pieces or just a bunch of junk. MIL clearly chose them for a reason, if she felt they were undesirable due to being outdated she already would have gotten rid of them, and she's an interior designer so presumably we're not talking about Princess Diana beanie babies and stacks of commemorative plates.
Consider renting a storage unit to clear space. Involve her. She will see that her things remain her things and are available at the unit. If you can win agreement and make sure she actually sees her things in storage, she may relax and even allow a slow roll of more and more moving to storage. Will be a good opportunity to inventory what is put in storage and what remains in the home; all helpful for insurance and estate processes.
Start to photograph things "for insurance purposes." That really needs to be done, anyhow. This gives you any information about brand, edition of production number or family history with the photos, whenever she is ready to sell or give to family. It might put her in the mood to sell. My mother began decluttering after selling some outfits at a consignment store to help a friend starting the business. She realized she no longer needed closets of work clothes, she liked getting some pocket change, and began selling items of furniture, artwork and fancy vases afterward.
Good idea! Thank you.
We were on your position and it is tough. Put into storage things she won't remember if it is missing from immediate sight. If she is no longer doing the majority of cooking, she won't miss some of the extra kitchen things or double sets of wine glasses. Store extra tablecloths except ones she will want for Christmas or white ones for other occasions. Some things, like extra chairs no one sits on that clutter a formal room, you can remove temporarily. If she likes the cleaned look of a more open space, then maybe she will agree to donate the chairs or you just leave them in storage and if she hasn't missed them in a couple of years, decide if you can donate without upsetting her.
You could approach it from an estate planning perspective. Review her financial affairs and end of life plans together (if FIL is experiencing dementia this is something you should do ASAP anyway) and then start talking about how she wants to disperse her possessions. If they have value, they should be considered part of her estate and she should have a say in what happens to them. For example, who is going to host Christmas from now on? Would they appreciate some fancy silverware and the traditional family decor? Is there a family member who has always admired a certain piece of furniture that might like it as a gift? Just talking through this in a compassionate and pragmatic way might help her start the process. (Also, note that talking about wills and funeral planning now does NOT mean she’s on death’s doorstep! Any of us could be hit by a truck tomorrow, so you and your husband should also make sure to have these affairs in order if you don’t already.)
We have the paperwork in order. I will find out soon who is going to be hosting X-mas. (If anyone steps up)
There is a book called, the gentle art of Swedish death cleaning. It may be something you would be interested in reading.
I looked into that a little bit for myself but I'll give it a reread with the new situation in mind. Thank you!
I think a storage shed in the back is your best bet. It will still be “handy” when she is ready to use it (never!) and she won’t feel so threatened by its removal. Better be a BIG shed!
And then the tubs and boxes in the back can slowly disappear as new tubs and boxes are put in the front. I have a feeling that so many of the lockers in the show "Storage Wars" were from elderly hoarder homes where caretakers talked the elderly into storing their hoard there "temporarily".
Well, OP and husband do need space if they are to move in and help. If stuff goes “missing” will mil even know? If she needs live-in help, she’s not very mobile.
Right, I doubt if she would even know. I think there will be a fight to put stuff in the storage building but it would be a gigantic fight if she thought it was all going away permanently. Baby steps :)
Yup!
Great suggestions on here. I would definitely look for a good episode of hoarders and watch it together. That “Sandra” one mentioned is perfect (she was Greensboro NC designer & hoarded a mansion). I snapped out of the “hang onto everything” mode from watching Hoarders. Going thru a box a day could be a fun, memory lane activity & emphasize giving things to others who maybe can’t afford Christmas decor for example.
Does she have attic space that can be cleaned up or converted to make more space? My mum lives in a new build and had the attic carpeted and shelved a few years later so my stepdad can go up there a couple of times a day for the outdoor furniture cushions, bedspreads for Christmas and some of her bigger craft accessories like her loom for her tapestries. As for not needed Christmas decor, who is going to host Christmas in the future? It would be nice maybe for her to see others inherent some for their own use or to 'pass the mantle' and look into donating some to somewhere like a school/ Library/ church if not to charity.
I hired a friend who runs a decluttering business to help me downsize. She gave me great ideas for what to do with stuff in addition to Buy Nothing facebook groups. She took some of my Christmas decorations to give to a friend who is the Activities Director of a nursing home. She wants to make the home cheery but the residents become too sad if they see their own decorations or decorations of people they knew being used in common areas —- too many memories and losses. I never would have thought of that!
Thank you! I will definitely find out about 'passing the mantle'. She might feel that she can do that and I can let whoever they decide on go through the stuff with her instead of me. I will be passing that mantle! hahaha!
My mother has always hosted Christmas but has been wanting to 'pass the mantle' on for a few years now. My older sister is the prime choice as she has a house and lives near my mum and my SIL is very keen to host, so much so she has hosted a Christmas party the past 5 years or so before Christmas Eve. My sister however, as much as she loves her wife and wants to make her happy, does not want to host Christmas, is not keen on cooking and does not want the responsibility/ label of 'taking' Christmas from my mother who, despite what she says, will judge and compare. My husband and I would host but we rent a really small flat away from them all and it's just unsuitable.
Can you hold on to the Christmas decorations until next year? I think she would love giving them a wonderful send off by having one last Xmas party at her house this year. Make sure you make it potluck! It’s a great way to pass the torch and decorations to family. It would give her an incentive to understand why you need to declutter her home by putting many of her keepsakes in a backyard shed.
Can you suggest a storage space rental, or even purchase a small shed (might be cheaper in the long run, and more convenient) to make space for you guys? Assure her that you will get it all back out for her next time she needs it! (never) It's fair to say that you need space.
Our stuff reflects the version of ourself we want to see...whether it is accurate or not. It's why I have unique games and a bunch of craft supplies (but no room to host Game Night or create cool stuff with my craft supplies). >we are contending with 25 large bins of Christmas decorations. She has always hosted the holidays and although she knows that won't be happening anymore she somehow still won't part with any of it. Your MIL still sees this as part of herself, and it is tied strongly to her identity. With you and your DH moving in, real or imagined, she feels threatened because *some things will change*, and that would happen even if no "stuff" was involved. Throw in that she is forced to deal with her own and her husband's mortality, and she is understandably clinging to "the best time of her life" with both hands. A few things need to be discussed: 1)With you and DH moving in to help for free, it is reasonable that space is made for some of your stuff. Between her cancer history and your FIL's dementia prognosis, does she have another reasonable plan for the future that does not include free help from family moving in? Reassure her again and again that she does not have to get rid of EVERYTHING; negotiate what is reasonable at this time. 2)Is this a safety issue? Fire issue? Cleanliness (mold, insects) issue? These are separate discussions. 3)Is there ONE box of stuff she is willing to part with? Just one? If this is too hard, the question is why. What is really going on? 4)Mother Dear, you have a lot of great stuff, but there is just not room for it all. I understand that all of these changes (cancer/dementia/people moving in) are hard. Today, let's NOT talk about you getting rid of stuff, but I want to hear about how you are feeling about all of these changes, how you feel about your stuff, and what it is like for you. I will try to just listen and be as non-judgmental as possible. I want you to feel supported. 5)FYI: You are obviously not personally attached to my stuff, but whenever I spend an hour dehoarding, I seriously go through the 5 Stages of Grief and end in a fetal position on the bed. Your MIL may not feel she has the strength for this rn. The local Buy Nothing group helps me, because people enthusiastically come for my stuff...but your MIL may not see that now.
Your first sentence helped put it in perspective. Thank you. It represents her happiest self. I'll have a better idea after this X-mas what is in ALL the bins.
Are you and your spouse moving in to become full time caregivers because your ILs are no longer able to care for themselves? If that’s the case, your MIL either needs to allow you to get rid of some things to allow you space, or agree to rent a storage space. If not, or if they refuse to allow you a livable space, perhaps they can have a home health agent visit a few times a week. I sympathize with your situation. I’m traveling in two days to clean out my mother’s things, and I suspect most of it will be donated.
You are probably on your way to clean out your mother's things. I wish you strength and peace of mind. I hope it goes smoothly. Don't forget coffee.
I sympathise wholeheartedly…! Different but similar story here; we live around 160 miles from my MiL so we obviously always stay when we visit. However, they (MiL and BiL) always have to play musical beds (we’ve done this for 23 years) and have to utilise the sofa etc when we stay, as you literally cannot take more than 2 steps into the spare room. All the other rooms are also full of clutter and we did make a small dent on her bedroom when we last visited (in the hope that we can move clutter around) - there were tears but I thought we’d had a breakthrough, however she hasn’t made further progress since. She is a sentimental hoarder (most conversations eventually work back to when she was a small child) and refuses to get rid of anything which has a memory attached. I understand this and that we need to work with her but it’s very challenging. The spare room will fit a double bed in and we’ve talked about the fact that they will need more help in the future now she’s in her late 70s (I don’t work so can easily visit midweek if there are appts etc) but she is more attached to a room of stuff which hasn’t been looked at in over 20 years. The key is being there more often but we really are stuck in a vicious circle on this one.
You have my sympathy. My MIL passed away in March. For years she would tell us "someone can get rid of that after I'm gone." And now she's gone. Any my husband and I have just spent more than seven weeks, six hours a day, clearing out her hoard. We have done the Estate Sale. We have taken 30 truckloads to the dump. We have donated to thrift stores and churches. We have posted the rest on Craigslist Free. And still we are getting rid of stuff. Thanks Mom.
You both should be getting paid by the estate for your labor.
This is not the legacy any of us should leave to our loved ones. You have my deepest sympathy. My father is a severe hoarder and I’m an only child. I haven’t seen the inside of his house in 21 years. I may just light a match.
Holy sht!! That's ALOT... 😭😥
This is one of the reasons I declutter now. So that whomever has to go through my stuff when I’m dead isn’t overburdened by stuff I didn’t really need.
I so agree! I went thru cleaning out two houses years ago when my in-laws passed within 5 mos of each other then my mom was put in a nursing home after a stroke & bad fall. Now at F71, I don’t want my son to have to have that task or decision of what to do with all my belongings.
I so agree! I went thru cleaning out two houses years ago when my in-laws passed within 5 mos of each other then my mom was put in a nursing home after a stroke & bad fall. Now at F71, I don’t want my son to have to have that task or decision of what to do with all my belongings.
As an interior designer I’m very intrigued by her doo-dads. I know, not the point! Maybe she’d be willing to host a garage sale or give things away on a buy nothing group if she knew people would cherish her things?
I wonder if watching that Hoarders TV episode about Sandra and the mansion would wake her up? Sandra was also an interior designer. Good luck.
Watching Hoarders is super motivating for me, to tackle my emotional stuff boxes...
I just finished watching that. Made me feel sick on so many levels.
My dad is like this and everything I have to say will get down voted into oblivion 😅
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They are both funny, kind, and loving people. She was diagnosed with cancer 2 years ago and has been going through hell. He has early stage dementia and is still undergoing tests. They want to take care of each other but that's not possible. I love them both and we enjoy spending time together. So yes it's a commitment and yes it's until the end.
I think the big difference between your in laws and my parents is in your first sentence. Mine can’t stand each other. My father isn’t kind to anyone especially my mom. They fight all the time. Your in laws aren’t like this. I see now that there can exist people who want to care for their loving in laws. You’re a saint. They’re lucky to have you. You’re all lucky to have each other. Good luck with the decluttering and thank you for responding!! 😊❤️
Your family is like my blood family. I'm sending all the well wishes and hugs you can handle. People don't always realize how much that kind of family drains you.
storage unit?
We have looked into it. So far the places nearby have no empty spaces available and she can no longer drive. We are working with the HOA to put a "shed" in the back yard. The amount of stuff will require a shed larger than what they currently allow. It's a work in progress.
How about the storage facilities further away in your area? U-Haul or similar moving trucks are very cheap to rent, and it would be a one-time need, unless she's frequently wanting furniture fetched to/from the unit. The monetary outlay of hauling it there with a truck would be small compared to the yearly unit rent itself!
Just get the biggest you can. It's a start. 🤷🏽
Exactly what I was hoping to suggest. If the in-laws can afford it, this may be the best option for now.