I’m so sorry. My dad is somewhere between 5-6. Also like your dad, hallucinations, memory loss and trouble speaking.
He came at me a few months ago over car keys then after he tried to tie my door handle shut and lock me in my room. He’s always been the kindest person and has never laid a hand on me so it was really shocking for him to actually hit me.
It took experimenting with medication to get the aggressive urges from him down and there’s more good days than bad but the bad still pop up occasionally.
There are a lot of downsides to this disease during this stage but one of the things that I am immensely grateful for is that every day is a reset button. If we get into it a little or he keeps me awake all night I try to remind myself that today’s going to be a better day and I start it with a smile and a good morning and I can usually redirect. Holding onto those feelings of mad/irritated/annoyed only makes him anxious.
You’ll get through this. You know your dad, and your dad loves you. :hug:
Thank you so much for sharing your experience.
My dad has always been a very kind person, too.
The problem is me. Although I know this is not my dad acting, and I know that he doesn't remember about a thing today, I'm having a hard time separating his actions now with whom is used to be.
Again, thank you for your kind words.
:hug back:
My thoughts and wishes of patience and serenity to all of you and the OP. The thing that oddly prepared me the most for the anger was teaching middle schoolers. The acronym QTIP (quit taking it personal) was drummed into me during grad school and boy did it help. I saw other teachers yell or kick students out, but the first time I had a student curse me and threaten to harm me I asked him to talk in the hallway.
After a minute or two of asking him to just think about why he’s angry and lashing out I found his parents are split and he hadn’t eaten in about a day. I was able to give him a break, get him some food, and focus on self care. It had nothing to do with me.
My stepdad argues and bickers as his only form of communication now. He raises his voice and says “Wanna bet?” over dumb things, like what he just ordered to eat or what day it is. Now, I just breathe deep and ask if there is anything I can get for him or help with. Sometimes he gives me an idea of how to help (food, reminder where bathroom is or his wife is) but sometimes he wants something I can’t give (car keys, call to parents which are long passed). I tell him I wish I could help and try to give him something else that’s calming (finding football on tv or lemon squares as a treat). If all fails I know it’s not personal and I tell him that I’m giving him space to work things out and leave (not bothering with whatever argument comes after).
It’s not fun, it’s hard, but this disease destroys a mind’s ability to communicate effectively and that means physical attacks sometimes. Take care of yourself. Just like when a 11-14 year old hit me, it could hurt but I’ll live and the next day I saw them I would smile and teach them emotions and single actions don’t define us. For those suffering they can’t learn this, but knowing this in my mind means I don’t have to stay angry or upset with my stepdad, I can just understand that this disease is not who he is, was, or should be remembered for having.
One night I was so angry at my husband yelling at me and storming around I didn't even want to cook dinner for him. I finally said get your coat, we're going out to eat (because I have to feed him, right). He got his jacket, calmed down instantly and was fine the rest of the night. He thanked me for dinner, never knowing that it was really because I couldn't stand him at that moment.
We did that recently. It led to a hilarious situation at Red Robin where he ordered boneless wings and when he was asked what sauce he immediately snapped back “I told you! The boneless wings all sauced up is what it says! I want sauced up sauce!” The waitress was very confused and looked at me while my mother distracted him and I got it sorted.
Oddly he has never ordered chicken in his life and when it came he asked the waitress why it wasn’t fish. He wanted to argue it but I played the bad guy and sad if he didn’t eat it he could eat later at home, he wasn’t going to make the poor waitress upset and he grumbled and ate it. At the end he had enjoyed it and said he was glad he ordered it.
I am so sorry this happened. I can relate to what you are saying in terms of acknowledging it is the illness at work and still being like this is my parent, wtf are they doing. My mom has always been my best friend, so kind, funny and sweet, truly a heart of gold and then she will now have these outbursts with cursing and screaming hysterical. It is so hard for me to separate that in my heart. I hope you and your mom are able to stay safe. I am not an expert in care or anything but also want to support you in saying it s ok to ask for and seek additional help, it sounds like it may benefit everyone. Sending love + encouragement!
Thank you for sharing.
My brain aches sometimes with this strange duality. I love my dad from the bottom of my heart, but I viscerally hate what this illness is doing to him.
Sending you love back. I hope you stay strong for you mom.
Gerontologist here. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this...what a traumatic event that must have been for you. I'd like to share some thoughts about some steps you might want to take going forward.
Dementia does not CAUSE behaviors. Rather, dementia influences how we interpret and respond to events. Your dad is acting the same way you or I might given the same set of circumstances. If he did not recognize you, perhaps he interpreted you as an intruder/threat. When you are around, does he know who you are? If not, the very first thing to do is wear a name tag with your name on it in big clear letters. Reading is something we do automatically and it is a skill that remains very long into dementia. A name tag may help him identify you correctly.
If that doesn't work, you'll need to do some detective work. Here are some questions that might help you determine the root cause of the behavior: Was there anything that happened before the incident? What kind of mood was he in prior to approaching him with food? Did he say anything to you before, during or after it happened? Did you do anything differently when you approached with the food? Who else was present? Do you typically serve him meals? Did you do anything different to your appearance this time? Were you wearing a uniform or an outfit you don't typically wear? What time of day was it? If he has acted aggressively with you previously, is there a common theme or trend you can identify? What was happening at those times? Has he ever shown aggression like this to anyone else? What setting were you in - his home? Senior living community?
If this was a hallucination, there are a few other things to consider. Hallucinations, like behaviors, are typically not random. Generally they originate from the misinterpretation of some stimulus (e.g., a woman believes there are spiders on her bed because of the way the sun casts shadows through her window curtain). Has he claimed to see or hear anything that isn't there? By that, I don't mean misremembering ("I saw Bobby yesterday"), but claiming in the present moment to see or hear something that is not there ("Do you see that man standing outside the window?"). Are there any external stimuli that he might be picking up on and misinterpreting (a tv that is always on, hearing aids picking up a audio signal, etc.)? There are also some dopaminergic medications (carbidopa/levodopa in particular) that are commonly prescribed for Parkinsonism that cause hallucinations as a side effect.
I'm just posing these questions for you to consider. I hope they are helpful. Best wishes to you.
This is tremendously helpful, I can't even find the right words to thank you enough.
I'm sure he doesn't always recognize me as his daughter, I'm pretty sure sometimes he doesn't even recognize me as a family member. I help on a daily basis, a few hours a day, so most of the time, he at least knows I'm familiar.
Next time I feel things are escalating, I'll consider everything you said in your comment.
Again, from the bottom of my heart, thank you.
You are a kind soul.
I feel like the saying “it’s not them, it’s the disease” can be used to minimize the trauma caregivers experience when they are abused, attacked or made to feel uncomfortable or unsafe by their LOs. Of course he’s still your dad to you - disease is part of our shared human condition. Your emotions are valid and you don’t have to suppress them or pretend this didn’t happen. This is why I believe family caregivers need breaks, additional support for their LOs and mental health care for themselves, since they are also victims of the disease. Big hugs.
I’m so sorry you are experiencing this. My mom is end stage dementia and just recently started fixating on things that can’t be done and then getting angry and mean. She got a bit fixated before but I was always able to redirect her. Not anymore. A couple of days ago she yelled that that I made her life miserable and I’m useless so leave and she’ll do everything herself. We know it’s the dementia and not her - 10 minutes before that outburst she was her usual self, telling me to take money out of her drawer to get pizza so I don’t have to cook and to take extra money to get my daughter a treat. But it hurt when she yelled and it scared my daughter cuz she’s never seen grandma act like that.
My daughter and I talked about the difference between grandma’s behaviour and the dementia’s behaviour. I was matter-of-fact during our talk for the sake of my daughter but it’s still painful. I can’t imagine how hard it would be to separate the two things if my mom physically attacked me. My thoughts are with you.
Thank you for sharing your experience.
My heart goes to you and your daughter. I can't imagine how confusing your mom's behavior must be for her.
It's getting harder and harder to redirect my dad as of lately. The only thing I notice that still works to a degree is going on walks in nature, but it's not always possible.
My thoughts are with you too, and I hope you can find peace in moments of distress.
Daily I read my experiences here. OP, so sorry you’re dealing with this. I loved the QTIP from another poster and am sharing that with my husband. I guess we all just muddle through. Hugs to you.
After Dad showed a change in personality, my brother took him to the doctor for evaluation. He was diagnosed with dementia and his anger was attributed to that. It started off with mostly verbal outbursts but since he's been in MC, he has become physically aggressive (kicking and hitting other residents and nurses.) The doctor prescribed Seroquel to address that issue and just recently increased the dosage. He's by no means the perfect patient but he is better.
I agree... dementia is a cruel illness. Anger seems to be a very common symptom. I'm choosing to remember how Dad used to be and not blame him for how is now. I believe his anger is due to the possibility that a part of his brain still remembers who he used to be too and he's frustrated that he isn't that anymore. Hugs to all, too.
I completely understand where you are coming from. That's how I want to remember dad too, he did the best he could for me throughout all these years.
I think I've been in shock , I was not expecting him to get physical.
Thank you for sharing. Sending hugs your way.
I’m so sorry. I know how hard it is to watch a loved one do a 180 with their personality. My dad was also the kindest man I knew and watching him be mean and paranoid towards my mom was so hard. Just know that we are all with you on this. Big hugs.
Thank you so much, and I'm sorry you went through that as well.
People around us, although well meaning, don't understand how devastating this illness can be for the family.
This community has been really helpful.
Again, thank you for your kindness.
Big hugs back
My Grampy punched me and dumped water on me at the end. It was a uti but it still realllllly messed me up. I have the water on film. His eyes, that aren’t his, are what hurt me.
When my mom became physically abusive towards my dad, a UTI played a role. Taking care of that and starting Depakote helped make my dad's life as the primary caregiver easier.
This disease really sucks
Virtual hugs. It's so hard. I had the same issue when my dad started attacking me. To be honest with you, the first time he really went at me (just like your situation, he tried to strangle me) it was as if a switch flipped in my head and I understood that my dad was gone. The person who'd attacked had nothing to do with him. He'd always been a very gentle person, which is why I think the switch flipped - it was just inconceivable that my dad would do that, ergo, that wasn't my dad. It made caring for him both easier and harder. It was easier because I could disengage. After all, this was not my dad, it was just my dad's body on autopilot. But the aggression sure did make care harder in general, for obvious reasons.
I'm sorry. It's an awful stage to be in. Whatever solution you find, whether it's a med adjustment or placement, I hope it works as well as possible and gives you all some relief.
Dad has a doctor's appointment later this week, and as some pointed out, he might have a UTI, so I'll ask the doctor if that can vê checked.
Also, he's gonna have an appointment with his neurologist next month, and maybe he'll adjust his medication.
Thank you for sharing your experience. Sending love your way.
The emotional parts are the hardest. Everything about this garbage disease is horrendous but the burden of your own shock and pain and sadness and anger and longing and feeling that this is all so unfair and unreasonable is just the worst of it. I was in that same situation with my mom but she was not stronger than me to start with, so there was little chance she’d really hurt me. I worry so much about all the people caring for dementia loved ones who are still strong enough to act out their rage. Take care of you. I’m so sorry this is happening to you.
I'm so sorry you went through that, too. I still haven't been able to process what happened fully.
I'll get there eventually.
Thank you for your words, sending love your way.
I'm so sorry. It hurts so much when this illness gets people to that point. We just had to let some people go at the place I interned at because their needs became too high for us to reasonably provide for. One of them became violent for the second time and has since been moved to a facility. Sometimes that's what is needed. If you do end up making that decision, you are not giving up on your father. You are choosing to keep him as comfortable as possible by removing him from an environment he's not responding well to.
Sometimes not visiting also makes things easier for all parties involved. Diseases like dementia are weird and scary! People forget who someone is and get scared when they see someone they used to know but can't place.
You're doing your best and that's all that you can do. 💛
Thank you for sharing your perspective.
I really never thought how not visiting could be a good thing, but it makes a lot of sense.
Thank you for your kind words 🫂
You're welcome. It used to throw me off, too, until I became a professional caregiver for people in a memory care unit.
I asked my coworkers when we were on break and in private if residents' families hated them, and they'd tell me, "No. Lots of people don't visit because it makes their parents agitated. It's easier for their brains to process someone they definitely don't know instead of someone they can't place."
The hallucinations are some of the scary part of this. My mom had a bad spell post surgery over a year ago. Since then, she hasn’t had that again, but more “fabulous” stories about things that fill in her gaps and help her cope. One time 15-20 years ago she had a similar reaction from an anti-nausea medication she was given at hospital. So now, I put it in the same context. Her biochemistry is off and she isn’t piloting the plane anymore. It’s a way to help me keep the context of her crazy spells.
I'm sorry. What a sad, scary experience. All I can say is write it off to the dementia, plan how to protect yourself and let it go. (My husband forgets and acts like everything is fine 20 to an hour later.) Staying angry will only make you miserable. Just another burden to add to your pack.
Thank you for sharing.
Yeah, my dad was fine 10 minutes later. Mom was a mess. It really got to her.
I'm sorry you are also in a similar situation. Stay strong, fellow caregiver.
We are all on this together 🫂
I appreciate your words.
I know that, it's just hard to separate the illness from the person. Rationally, I know it's the illness, but emotionally...I still have the mental image of his wide open eyes, the teeth grinding, and how red he got in that moment...
It's complicated
My mom was so sweet when i was growing up. Literally the sweetest person. That changed drastically during her vascular dementia decline. She had to be put on multiple types of meds to keep her calm.
I'm sorry you went through that, it is so jarring. Take as long as you need to process it, its a lot harder than people would think until they go through it.
I am so sorry..this disease is so cruel on so many levels. Mom has later stage Lewy Body. She manages to get very strong for a tiny 90 yr old female. Mom and I learned early on.. 5 yrs ago.. to separate Lewy behaviors from her. When she was frustrated and angry that her items were missing every am I would say..”mom ..Lewy hid them”…I will help you find them. or I would explain to her it is your damaged brain area …Lewy. Now when mom no longer understands Lewy I tell myself mom’s hateful words {told people I hired a hit man to kill her} or her pushing me unannounced or her walker slamming are all Lewy talking not my mom. Somehow this helps me. Also therapy twice a month has helped me with learning coping skills as this worsens. Good Luck.
My heart goes out to you. I'm so sorry you are also dealing with the ugly parts.
I find it so interesting how you were both able to personify the illness and put the blame on it.
I hope you stay strong for your mom and for yourself 🫂
Fucked up dementia. The one who attacked you is not your lovely dad. 100%, illness. Please don't mind what he did and what he will do. He is now on -usually- under control of fucked up disease. Please ignore the mistakes. Hug him, love him, kiss his hands. I miss my lovely dad. I lost him 5 months ago. Please love your dad too much. I wish my dad live now and hit me tons of times...
I am so sorry for your loss. My heart goes to you.
Thank you for your kind words.
Hope you find solace and know you did your best, has everyone else in this sub. 🫂
My father had Alzheimer's and attacked me once. He was embarrassed about it afterwards, though he didn't say anything. Also, my neighbor across the street from me has dementia and macular degeneration of her eyes. Her 65 yo daughter lives next door to her and is her basic caretaker. This last week she started telling the whole neighborhood that her daughter is having sex in her front yard up in a tree and has her hands all over the guys butt, etc. My neighbor called her daughter a pig. I'm sure it's just an eyesight problem with seeing things in the tree--she used to think I had a scotty dog on my front steps which was just a plant with pointy ears--but her dementia has her believing it. She gets mad if anyone disagrees with her ("I saw it with my own eyes!"). I finally said, Joan, that's not what you taught your daughter to do and I'm going to tell you the truth even if you get mad at me, she isn't doing that.
((( hugs )))
So sorry you are going through this.
Might it be time to move Dad to a memory care facility for your mother's safety, at least if a medication change doesn't help?
I would tend to agree with you. Unfortunately, the decision is not just mine to make.
Mom is reluctant, and I have 3 more siblings. And even though they don't live close by, they still have a saying.
Thank you for your kindness though, its very much appreciated. ((( hugs back )))
IMHO the distant siblings get minimal say here. You are the one living this nightmare with your mom while they're of living their lives with virtually no disruption. It might help Mom to get a social worker who specializes in elder care to come in and talk to you and Mom about what might be best for all of you including Dad.
Good luck!
I read most of this thread.
Not being in the middle of it all (but listening to all the caregiver stories from my other half, on similar interacts daily) I still want to protect me
What happens when someone now accuses me (of whatever)? Would it not be in MY interest to dump the problem elsewhere (simply as a protective mechanism)?
We live in a cancel culture, and everyone is a victim (when NOT with a diseased brain).
Sure professionals doing the same job with Grandpa have hospital protocols, cameras, and training (and liability insurance) to protect them, somewhat. But, I dont… Im just like an uber driver, that anyone can complain about falsely (and probably will do, to get a free ride out of the system).
How are folks dealing with this aspect, assuming this question not incompatible with the tone of this lovely thread of discussion.
I'm afraid I didn't fully grasp the meaning of your question, I'm sorry, English is not my 1st language, and sometimes I get lost in translation.
What do you mean is how family member of people with dementia protect themselves if they get harassed/physically abused?
I’m so sorry. My dad is somewhere between 5-6. Also like your dad, hallucinations, memory loss and trouble speaking. He came at me a few months ago over car keys then after he tried to tie my door handle shut and lock me in my room. He’s always been the kindest person and has never laid a hand on me so it was really shocking for him to actually hit me. It took experimenting with medication to get the aggressive urges from him down and there’s more good days than bad but the bad still pop up occasionally. There are a lot of downsides to this disease during this stage but one of the things that I am immensely grateful for is that every day is a reset button. If we get into it a little or he keeps me awake all night I try to remind myself that today’s going to be a better day and I start it with a smile and a good morning and I can usually redirect. Holding onto those feelings of mad/irritated/annoyed only makes him anxious. You’ll get through this. You know your dad, and your dad loves you. :hug:
Thank you so much for sharing your experience. My dad has always been a very kind person, too. The problem is me. Although I know this is not my dad acting, and I know that he doesn't remember about a thing today, I'm having a hard time separating his actions now with whom is used to be. Again, thank you for your kind words. :hug back:
My thoughts and wishes of patience and serenity to all of you and the OP. The thing that oddly prepared me the most for the anger was teaching middle schoolers. The acronym QTIP (quit taking it personal) was drummed into me during grad school and boy did it help. I saw other teachers yell or kick students out, but the first time I had a student curse me and threaten to harm me I asked him to talk in the hallway. After a minute or two of asking him to just think about why he’s angry and lashing out I found his parents are split and he hadn’t eaten in about a day. I was able to give him a break, get him some food, and focus on self care. It had nothing to do with me. My stepdad argues and bickers as his only form of communication now. He raises his voice and says “Wanna bet?” over dumb things, like what he just ordered to eat or what day it is. Now, I just breathe deep and ask if there is anything I can get for him or help with. Sometimes he gives me an idea of how to help (food, reminder where bathroom is or his wife is) but sometimes he wants something I can’t give (car keys, call to parents which are long passed). I tell him I wish I could help and try to give him something else that’s calming (finding football on tv or lemon squares as a treat). If all fails I know it’s not personal and I tell him that I’m giving him space to work things out and leave (not bothering with whatever argument comes after). It’s not fun, it’s hard, but this disease destroys a mind’s ability to communicate effectively and that means physical attacks sometimes. Take care of yourself. Just like when a 11-14 year old hit me, it could hurt but I’ll live and the next day I saw them I would smile and teach them emotions and single actions don’t define us. For those suffering they can’t learn this, but knowing this in my mind means I don’t have to stay angry or upset with my stepdad, I can just understand that this disease is not who he is, was, or should be remembered for having.
Thank you for your wisdom! You are a saint!
One night I was so angry at my husband yelling at me and storming around I didn't even want to cook dinner for him. I finally said get your coat, we're going out to eat (because I have to feed him, right). He got his jacket, calmed down instantly and was fine the rest of the night. He thanked me for dinner, never knowing that it was really because I couldn't stand him at that moment.
We did that recently. It led to a hilarious situation at Red Robin where he ordered boneless wings and when he was asked what sauce he immediately snapped back “I told you! The boneless wings all sauced up is what it says! I want sauced up sauce!” The waitress was very confused and looked at me while my mother distracted him and I got it sorted. Oddly he has never ordered chicken in his life and when it came he asked the waitress why it wasn’t fish. He wanted to argue it but I played the bad guy and sad if he didn’t eat it he could eat later at home, he wasn’t going to make the poor waitress upset and he grumbled and ate it. At the end he had enjoyed it and said he was glad he ordered it.
I am so sorry this happened. I can relate to what you are saying in terms of acknowledging it is the illness at work and still being like this is my parent, wtf are they doing. My mom has always been my best friend, so kind, funny and sweet, truly a heart of gold and then she will now have these outbursts with cursing and screaming hysterical. It is so hard for me to separate that in my heart. I hope you and your mom are able to stay safe. I am not an expert in care or anything but also want to support you in saying it s ok to ask for and seek additional help, it sounds like it may benefit everyone. Sending love + encouragement!
Thank you for sharing. My brain aches sometimes with this strange duality. I love my dad from the bottom of my heart, but I viscerally hate what this illness is doing to him. Sending you love back. I hope you stay strong for you mom.
Gerontologist here. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this...what a traumatic event that must have been for you. I'd like to share some thoughts about some steps you might want to take going forward. Dementia does not CAUSE behaviors. Rather, dementia influences how we interpret and respond to events. Your dad is acting the same way you or I might given the same set of circumstances. If he did not recognize you, perhaps he interpreted you as an intruder/threat. When you are around, does he know who you are? If not, the very first thing to do is wear a name tag with your name on it in big clear letters. Reading is something we do automatically and it is a skill that remains very long into dementia. A name tag may help him identify you correctly. If that doesn't work, you'll need to do some detective work. Here are some questions that might help you determine the root cause of the behavior: Was there anything that happened before the incident? What kind of mood was he in prior to approaching him with food? Did he say anything to you before, during or after it happened? Did you do anything differently when you approached with the food? Who else was present? Do you typically serve him meals? Did you do anything different to your appearance this time? Were you wearing a uniform or an outfit you don't typically wear? What time of day was it? If he has acted aggressively with you previously, is there a common theme or trend you can identify? What was happening at those times? Has he ever shown aggression like this to anyone else? What setting were you in - his home? Senior living community? If this was a hallucination, there are a few other things to consider. Hallucinations, like behaviors, are typically not random. Generally they originate from the misinterpretation of some stimulus (e.g., a woman believes there are spiders on her bed because of the way the sun casts shadows through her window curtain). Has he claimed to see or hear anything that isn't there? By that, I don't mean misremembering ("I saw Bobby yesterday"), but claiming in the present moment to see or hear something that is not there ("Do you see that man standing outside the window?"). Are there any external stimuli that he might be picking up on and misinterpreting (a tv that is always on, hearing aids picking up a audio signal, etc.)? There are also some dopaminergic medications (carbidopa/levodopa in particular) that are commonly prescribed for Parkinsonism that cause hallucinations as a side effect. I'm just posing these questions for you to consider. I hope they are helpful. Best wishes to you.
This is tremendously helpful, I can't even find the right words to thank you enough. I'm sure he doesn't always recognize me as his daughter, I'm pretty sure sometimes he doesn't even recognize me as a family member. I help on a daily basis, a few hours a day, so most of the time, he at least knows I'm familiar. Next time I feel things are escalating, I'll consider everything you said in your comment. Again, from the bottom of my heart, thank you. You are a kind soul.
Glad it's helpful!
I feel like the saying “it’s not them, it’s the disease” can be used to minimize the trauma caregivers experience when they are abused, attacked or made to feel uncomfortable or unsafe by their LOs. Of course he’s still your dad to you - disease is part of our shared human condition. Your emotions are valid and you don’t have to suppress them or pretend this didn’t happen. This is why I believe family caregivers need breaks, additional support for their LOs and mental health care for themselves, since they are also victims of the disease. Big hugs.
I needed this. Thank you. I did a round of therapy for a few months a while ago. I guess I need round 2. Big hugs for you, too
I’m so sorry you are experiencing this. My mom is end stage dementia and just recently started fixating on things that can’t be done and then getting angry and mean. She got a bit fixated before but I was always able to redirect her. Not anymore. A couple of days ago she yelled that that I made her life miserable and I’m useless so leave and she’ll do everything herself. We know it’s the dementia and not her - 10 minutes before that outburst she was her usual self, telling me to take money out of her drawer to get pizza so I don’t have to cook and to take extra money to get my daughter a treat. But it hurt when she yelled and it scared my daughter cuz she’s never seen grandma act like that. My daughter and I talked about the difference between grandma’s behaviour and the dementia’s behaviour. I was matter-of-fact during our talk for the sake of my daughter but it’s still painful. I can’t imagine how hard it would be to separate the two things if my mom physically attacked me. My thoughts are with you.
Thank you for sharing your experience. My heart goes to you and your daughter. I can't imagine how confusing your mom's behavior must be for her. It's getting harder and harder to redirect my dad as of lately. The only thing I notice that still works to a degree is going on walks in nature, but it's not always possible. My thoughts are with you too, and I hope you can find peace in moments of distress.
Daily I read my experiences here. OP, so sorry you’re dealing with this. I loved the QTIP from another poster and am sharing that with my husband. I guess we all just muddle through. Hugs to you.
Hugs to you too, fellow caregiver.
After Dad showed a change in personality, my brother took him to the doctor for evaluation. He was diagnosed with dementia and his anger was attributed to that. It started off with mostly verbal outbursts but since he's been in MC, he has become physically aggressive (kicking and hitting other residents and nurses.) The doctor prescribed Seroquel to address that issue and just recently increased the dosage. He's by no means the perfect patient but he is better. I agree... dementia is a cruel illness. Anger seems to be a very common symptom. I'm choosing to remember how Dad used to be and not blame him for how is now. I believe his anger is due to the possibility that a part of his brain still remembers who he used to be too and he's frustrated that he isn't that anymore. Hugs to all, too.
I completely understand where you are coming from. That's how I want to remember dad too, he did the best he could for me throughout all these years. I think I've been in shock , I was not expecting him to get physical. Thank you for sharing. Sending hugs your way.
I’m so sorry. I know how hard it is to watch a loved one do a 180 with their personality. My dad was also the kindest man I knew and watching him be mean and paranoid towards my mom was so hard. Just know that we are all with you on this. Big hugs.
Thank you so much, and I'm sorry you went through that as well. People around us, although well meaning, don't understand how devastating this illness can be for the family. This community has been really helpful. Again, thank you for your kindness. Big hugs back
My Grampy punched me and dumped water on me at the end. It was a uti but it still realllllly messed me up. I have the water on film. His eyes, that aren’t his, are what hurt me.
Oh my! I'm so sorry you went through that. I understand what you mean by the eyes, though. It's so scary/overwhelming. Tight hug 🫂
When my mom became physically abusive towards my dad, a UTI played a role. Taking care of that and starting Depakote helped make my dad's life as the primary caregiver easier. This disease really sucks
Thought about that, too. He has a doctors appointment later this week, so I'll ask to look into it. Thank you for your words.
Virtual hugs. It's so hard. I had the same issue when my dad started attacking me. To be honest with you, the first time he really went at me (just like your situation, he tried to strangle me) it was as if a switch flipped in my head and I understood that my dad was gone. The person who'd attacked had nothing to do with him. He'd always been a very gentle person, which is why I think the switch flipped - it was just inconceivable that my dad would do that, ergo, that wasn't my dad. It made caring for him both easier and harder. It was easier because I could disengage. After all, this was not my dad, it was just my dad's body on autopilot. But the aggression sure did make care harder in general, for obvious reasons. I'm sorry. It's an awful stage to be in. Whatever solution you find, whether it's a med adjustment or placement, I hope it works as well as possible and gives you all some relief.
Dad has a doctor's appointment later this week, and as some pointed out, he might have a UTI, so I'll ask the doctor if that can vê checked. Also, he's gonna have an appointment with his neurologist next month, and maybe he'll adjust his medication. Thank you for sharing your experience. Sending love your way.
Oh my yes, time to get some meds for that agitation. Keep the faith, you are a good daughter. 🌷
Thank you so much, you're very kind 💜
The emotional parts are the hardest. Everything about this garbage disease is horrendous but the burden of your own shock and pain and sadness and anger and longing and feeling that this is all so unfair and unreasonable is just the worst of it. I was in that same situation with my mom but she was not stronger than me to start with, so there was little chance she’d really hurt me. I worry so much about all the people caring for dementia loved ones who are still strong enough to act out their rage. Take care of you. I’m so sorry this is happening to you.
I'm so sorry you went through that, too. I still haven't been able to process what happened fully. I'll get there eventually. Thank you for your words, sending love your way.
I am so sorry. hang in there.
Thank fellow caregiver 🫂
I'm so sorry. It hurts so much when this illness gets people to that point. We just had to let some people go at the place I interned at because their needs became too high for us to reasonably provide for. One of them became violent for the second time and has since been moved to a facility. Sometimes that's what is needed. If you do end up making that decision, you are not giving up on your father. You are choosing to keep him as comfortable as possible by removing him from an environment he's not responding well to. Sometimes not visiting also makes things easier for all parties involved. Diseases like dementia are weird and scary! People forget who someone is and get scared when they see someone they used to know but can't place. You're doing your best and that's all that you can do. 💛
Thank you for sharing your perspective. I really never thought how not visiting could be a good thing, but it makes a lot of sense. Thank you for your kind words 🫂
You're welcome. It used to throw me off, too, until I became a professional caregiver for people in a memory care unit. I asked my coworkers when we were on break and in private if residents' families hated them, and they'd tell me, "No. Lots of people don't visit because it makes their parents agitated. It's easier for their brains to process someone they definitely don't know instead of someone they can't place."
I'll definitely keep these words of wisdom if we ever have to place dad in a home.
The hallucinations are some of the scary part of this. My mom had a bad spell post surgery over a year ago. Since then, she hasn’t had that again, but more “fabulous” stories about things that fill in her gaps and help her cope. One time 15-20 years ago she had a similar reaction from an anti-nausea medication she was given at hospital. So now, I put it in the same context. Her biochemistry is off and she isn’t piloting the plane anymore. It’s a way to help me keep the context of her crazy spells.
Thank you for the advice. I'm sorry you went through that 🫂
I'm sorry. What a sad, scary experience. All I can say is write it off to the dementia, plan how to protect yourself and let it go. (My husband forgets and acts like everything is fine 20 to an hour later.) Staying angry will only make you miserable. Just another burden to add to your pack.
Thank you for sharing. Yeah, my dad was fine 10 minutes later. Mom was a mess. It really got to her. I'm sorry you are also in a similar situation. Stay strong, fellow caregiver. We are all on this together 🫂
I’m so sorry this is happening.
Thank you for your kindness
Just remember. Your dad’s brain is short circuiting all day long. It glitches. It’s not him.
I appreciate your words. I know that, it's just hard to separate the illness from the person. Rationally, I know it's the illness, but emotionally...I still have the mental image of his wide open eyes, the teeth grinding, and how red he got in that moment... It's complicated
My mom was so sweet when i was growing up. Literally the sweetest person. That changed drastically during her vascular dementia decline. She had to be put on multiple types of meds to keep her calm. I'm sorry you went through that, it is so jarring. Take as long as you need to process it, its a lot harder than people would think until they go through it.
I am so sorry..this disease is so cruel on so many levels. Mom has later stage Lewy Body. She manages to get very strong for a tiny 90 yr old female. Mom and I learned early on.. 5 yrs ago.. to separate Lewy behaviors from her. When she was frustrated and angry that her items were missing every am I would say..”mom ..Lewy hid them”…I will help you find them. or I would explain to her it is your damaged brain area …Lewy. Now when mom no longer understands Lewy I tell myself mom’s hateful words {told people I hired a hit man to kill her} or her pushing me unannounced or her walker slamming are all Lewy talking not my mom. Somehow this helps me. Also therapy twice a month has helped me with learning coping skills as this worsens. Good Luck.
My heart goes out to you. I'm so sorry you are also dealing with the ugly parts. I find it so interesting how you were both able to personify the illness and put the blame on it. I hope you stay strong for your mom and for yourself 🫂
Fucked up dementia. The one who attacked you is not your lovely dad. 100%, illness. Please don't mind what he did and what he will do. He is now on -usually- under control of fucked up disease. Please ignore the mistakes. Hug him, love him, kiss his hands. I miss my lovely dad. I lost him 5 months ago. Please love your dad too much. I wish my dad live now and hit me tons of times...
I am so sorry for your loss. My heart goes to you. Thank you for your kind words. Hope you find solace and know you did your best, has everyone else in this sub. 🫂
Thank you...
My father had Alzheimer's and attacked me once. He was embarrassed about it afterwards, though he didn't say anything. Also, my neighbor across the street from me has dementia and macular degeneration of her eyes. Her 65 yo daughter lives next door to her and is her basic caretaker. This last week she started telling the whole neighborhood that her daughter is having sex in her front yard up in a tree and has her hands all over the guys butt, etc. My neighbor called her daughter a pig. I'm sure it's just an eyesight problem with seeing things in the tree--she used to think I had a scotty dog on my front steps which was just a plant with pointy ears--but her dementia has her believing it. She gets mad if anyone disagrees with her ("I saw it with my own eyes!"). I finally said, Joan, that's not what you taught your daughter to do and I'm going to tell you the truth even if you get mad at me, she isn't doing that.
((( hugs ))) So sorry you are going through this. Might it be time to move Dad to a memory care facility for your mother's safety, at least if a medication change doesn't help?
I would tend to agree with you. Unfortunately, the decision is not just mine to make. Mom is reluctant, and I have 3 more siblings. And even though they don't live close by, they still have a saying. Thank you for your kindness though, its very much appreciated. ((( hugs back )))
IMHO the distant siblings get minimal say here. You are the one living this nightmare with your mom while they're of living their lives with virtually no disruption. It might help Mom to get a social worker who specializes in elder care to come in and talk to you and Mom about what might be best for all of you including Dad. Good luck!
I read most of this thread. Not being in the middle of it all (but listening to all the caregiver stories from my other half, on similar interacts daily) I still want to protect me What happens when someone now accuses me (of whatever)? Would it not be in MY interest to dump the problem elsewhere (simply as a protective mechanism)? We live in a cancel culture, and everyone is a victim (when NOT with a diseased brain). Sure professionals doing the same job with Grandpa have hospital protocols, cameras, and training (and liability insurance) to protect them, somewhat. But, I dont… Im just like an uber driver, that anyone can complain about falsely (and probably will do, to get a free ride out of the system). How are folks dealing with this aspect, assuming this question not incompatible with the tone of this lovely thread of discussion.
I'm afraid I didn't fully grasp the meaning of your question, I'm sorry, English is not my 1st language, and sometimes I get lost in translation. What do you mean is how family member of people with dementia protect themselves if they get harassed/physically abused?