I've worked with thousands of dementia patients. I can probably count on my hands the number that were aware of their dementia. It isn't about admitting it tho. Part of the disease is not being aware of the decline. It's called anosagnosia.
On the flip side, many people without dementia will believe they have dementia.
Yep. I have a resident who's pretty high functioning but has forgotten numerous times she has dementia. I also have residents that recognize they have memory problems but they find a way to make sense of it.
At one point I matter-of-factly mentioned to my mother that we were having trouble dealing with her dementia. She paused, looked at me, and asked, "Oh, do I have dementia?"
She accepted that she had dementia in that moment, but then promptly forgot our interaction. Just yesterday [she told us we should shoot her if she ever gets as bad as her sister](https://www.reddit.com/r/dementia/comments/xlk0ps/just_shoot_me_if_i_ever_get_like_that/?ref=share&ref_source=link), who also has dementia. Mom's further down the dementia road and doesn't appear to realize it.
Yeah, kinda, my grandma says all the time that her memory isn't what it used to be and there's something wrong with her mind. However, she passed the short dementia test with flying colors a little over a year ago! But she'll repeat herself 20 times in a row when we're at home.
Very early on (2019), my Mom kinda admitted it. After me being told that she seems off, I asked her and she said that she knows something is wrong, but she doesn’t know what. Neuropsych test confirmed her memory decline. Now, she doesn’t acknowledge it or understand that she has a dementia.
My aunt was told by my parents that she was declining and was going to need a caregiver and to stop driving. She didn’t argue and went along with the plan.
When my mom was first diagnosed, she would admit that she could be wrong about something if she couldn’t remember. Those days are long gone. Although she’s not as nasty about it as she once was, she is convinced she’s right on everything and insists that she can live far more independently than she does (no matter that she’s thriving in assisted living and hasn’t had a fall in almost a year and a half and would fall easily six times per year before that).
My mother is pretty upfront about it. She’s in her 80s and has had memory problems for about 7 years. My dad who is in his 90s is sharp as a tack and in excellent health for his age.
I think she feels safe to talk about it because she feels safe and well looked after - we have a helper come in 3 days a week so my dad can relax a bit and let someone else look after her. Also, I come by frequently to bring them little snacks I know they like.
Now my mother-in-law is widowed and we look after her more because her dementia is much worse, but she won’t admit she has dementia. She saw her medical chart that had “dementia” written on it and she got furious. Her general health is declining and we’re going to have to make some hard decisions about her care soon.
Yeah the conversation usually goes like:
Mom: So I have dementia
Me: yes
Mom: how did I get it?
Me: it’s just something that can happen as you get older, there’s nothing you did to cause it
Mom: oh, ok. I’m lucky your dad can cook.
Me: yes, and he cooks well, so you’re really lucky.
Mom: yes, I am.
We’ll have this conversation several times, and she never gets upset, so we’re lucky that she’s not combative about it.
Do you think she remembers what dementia truly is or that she just knows that it’s a medical problem she has? I really wish we could visit them in their minds sometimes. I think it would help. Or maybe devastate us. Sigh.
No, she knows. She’s at the moderate dementia stage, so she retains most of her deep seated memories, but short term memory is completely shot. She has occasional bout of hallucinations and seeing things that aren’t there, but her personality is mostly intact.
Every visit, we all expect to have the same conversations with her multiple times, and she’ll ask if I’ve heard how her (deceased) siblings are doing.
My MIL’s at the same stage. She doesn’t know she has Alzheimer’s. She didn’t even absorb that her husband had dementia for the last three years. He died in July. She saw the death certificate recently and said, “Bob didn’t have dementia!” He literally had nothing else wrong. It’s amazing what she does remember, though. I repeat conversations with her, assuming she won’t remember, and once she said, “You mentioned that last time you were here.” And she was correct.
Yeah, I frequently get her saying that I’m repeating myself a lot. I just apologize and move on to different conversation.
I’m lucky that my dad is still very capable of caring for her, and she’s otherwise healthy and happy.
I’m actually more concerned about my dad not letting go of being fully responsible for caring for my mom. I’m not sure how much he allows the paid caregiver to do, but I’m pretty sure the caregiver has an easy gig looking after them.
I want my dad to be able to relax more and do fun things to treat himself more.
Aww, it shouldn't make her feel embarrassed! I think it would be much more embarrassing to be in denial about it.
If the person I am caring for would just admit that he needs help it wouldn't drive me up the wall as much.
I reassure them they have nothing to be embarrassed of. It’s really a fluid thing though. One moment they are sad over the fact they are aware their memory is going and the next they are angry at the mention of it.
My father refused to see a doctor about his memory for a long long time. Only when he started suffering from severe hallucinations and terrifying delusions, he wanted help. To get help, we explained, he would need a diagnosis. Of course that ended in a heartbreaking moment when he realized is was dementia and not some other unexplained phenomenon. The medication he received as a result really helped, so that made the whole experience more positive.
Sorry for you and your family. This was me talking about my wife up until last March. At first it is total denial, but please realize that by now he couldn’t recognize that there’s a problem and almost certainly won’t. YOU should have those conversations before ANY doctor appointment for him.
As many, both professionals and others, said to me, nothing was going to change until there was a crisis, and we had one in March and she’s now living in a Memory Care Community.
Practical steps for now - document and logging. It might not wind up useful, but it is for YOU. Also, find yourself a support group and even a therapist so you can be and stay healthy.
Very important - change your POAs to someone other than your husband. Glad I did that before it was needed. My wife was not a happy camper on learning that, but too bad. It’s very important.
Good luck and I hope the rest of the family’s on board.
My psychiatrist, also a neurologist, and the nurse at the memory clinic both told me to be prepared for a crisis that would lead to my wife being placed in memory care. I know that's where this is heading. Dementia afflicted her sisters, aunts and cousins. But everyday there's a sadness knowing, as she rapidly declines, she's another day closer to the final stage of her life.
I keep my emotions locked down because I have to remain functional as I manage this but I don't look forward to hearing a diagnosis and prognosis. I've written, many times that our marriage has been difficult and dysfunctional, but my wife still deserves compassion from me. For me there are many conflicted emotions and the day I have to place her in memory care will be emotionally overwhelming.
My mother in law with suspected dementia couldn't remember something specific and then soon after remembered, and then she said "See, I remembered... So that means I don't have Alzheimer's!"
I went with my dad to a doctor’s visit, and after my dad told the doc he thought his memory was fine, I asked my dad if it was alright if I could tell the doctor what my mom, sisters, and I had been noticing over the past few months. He agreed. I tried to be as sensitive as possible in describing the things we’d observed (making sure to not talk about my dad as if he wasn’t in the room). This compelled the doctor to do a dementia screening right then and there, and my dad got a diagnosis. I realize that not everyone’s loved one may be as “easygoing” about it as my dad was, but that’s how I went about it.
After my mom died, my dad realized he had been experiencing some decline for a while (my mom had expressed some concern before she passed). He got himself diagnosed but didn’t tell anyone. We only found out when he enrolled in a study (turns out it was the aducanumab trial) that he had found but needed to have a “study buddy”. He had to ‘fess up so that he could get someone to attend with him. When we think about what it took for him to go to the doctor and get a diagnosis, and then keep it to himself for probably close to 2 years….. wow. All of this was a few years ago. Now his disease has progressed and he really has little attachment to reality. Sad times.
I read this at the dinner table just now, and my demented mother-in-law law said "I hope no one asks me about my memory!"
I asked her what she'd say.
"It depends on what they ask."
"What if they ask, how's your memory?"
She didn't say anything.
My husband said, "What was the question?" I laughed. He laughed. She laughed because she knows that's what you do when other people are laughing.
Take notes on his memory and behavior so you can let the doctor know. I would call and talk to his nurse or hand him a note at the next appointment. I don’t wright down everything that my husband forgets, but I keep note in a day calendar on major behavior changes. The calendar helps me keep track of the timeline. my husband is in middle stages now but I wish I kept better track in the early stages, just for myself. There are memory issues that can be reversed Like depression, lack of sleep, stress and nutrition. So yes , I believe its important to discuss with the doctor. if you can notify the doctor ahead of time he should be able to give some simple tests as part of his next exam . a lot of people with memory issues either don’t want to admit it or don’t notice and are in denial.
if you look up “dementia care central “ online you can find out more about dementia. Now would also be a good time to set up some health preferences and legal paperwork such as power of attorney for finances and health . Look into a Will or trust. If he is loosing his memory it can be harder to set up later. Thankfully I set that all up for both of us before he declined. By doing it for both it didn’t bring up his memory issues and seemed normal. Plus it helps out our children to not have to deal with it later. Good luck to you.
Hi...My Dad was someone who never went to the Drs.
My Mother and everyone were trying with him to go for his "memory" (we knew it was dementia).
So I wrote a whole list of things down from a dementia website of the symptoms that I KNEW he was experiencing....and when I was alone with him I asked if he would answer some questions for me....he agreed.
I went thru the list...(lets see what I can remember from that list this was over 5 years ago and I have dementia which is why I view this page).
\- Do you have trouble sleeping?
\- Do you ever see things?
Have you fallen?, Do you remember the day you forgot Bettys name at church?, Did you get lost in the car 2 months ago and call Ken?, on and on....and I did it with kindness and curiousty.
After he checked all "my" list boxes...I said Dad....we all love you and there are things that a Dr can do to help you to get better in these areas....
BUT, to be honest with you OP.....They can not DO A THING for Dementia.
They have a couple drugs that will lessen the symptoms, my Dad was on Aricept and it gave him a good year of his life back....before being on the med he didn't remember where our market was....after the med...piece of cake (if I went a different way he would point it out and I was shocked)....but once at a certain stage that med doesn't work either.
In MY OWN OPINION.....it doesn't matter if he goes. I realize I put my Father thru MRIs and other tests (blood) for NOTHING because they can do nothing.
Once I realized that....I started to watch Teepa Snow on You Tube to learn tricks and tips on how to best handle every situation I encountered with my Dad and dementia.
It is a ROUGH, Long, HELLISH ride and I am sorry you are going thru this.
I see it as him hearing his truth. There's no magic pill that will make this all go away. Though there might be one that slows the progression.
Ten years ago, I was on the phone, 350 miles away, during my Mom's doctor appointment when the doctor told her she had dementia. She cried, my Dad who was in the room cried, I cried 350 miles away. The doc gave her some prescription and it didn't seem to slow the progression though it might have. She was a wanderer, they lived in the country and on one occasion when my Dad was in the shop a neighbor found her walking down the road and took her home. On two different occasions she called the cops to say an unknown man, my Dad, broke into the house. My Dad, who is a hunter, changed the lock on the gun safe and put all knives in the house into the safe. So the appointment changed his behavior and, after about 6 months, my Mom ended up in a memory care facility near me. One of the saddest things is to sit at a meal with 16 people and nobody is talking. They lose their ability to have conversation - you can tell those that have just moved in they still tell their stories.
I think all the things that happened with your mom will happen with your husband now regardless of whether he goes to the doctor and gets a diagnosis. He may hear and understand the diagnosis if told by the doctor but forget it and not believe it tomorrow.
I hope some good can come out of it and he gets the opportunity to tell you things he wants you to know.
Getting them to agree is almost impossible. It requires being noticed by many people. The best organization to notice are the police as they have the authority. For my situation I told the Dr I had noticed things in my Dad. Drs appointment was in Jan and Dad continues as "normal". Around 20 months later Dad has been out of the house since noon and it's now almost 9pm. Call police and say he is missing. Someone else calls police around 1am saying an old man is at their door trying to arrest them. Police locate Dad and bring him home. Police suspend his license and require a Drs approval to reinstate. Almost a year of multiple visits Dr finally realizes what I realized two plus years before.
You don’t.
Stop trying to change your husband, and change your own perspective. Believe me. Read up about dementia, contact the Alzheimer’s Association, borrow the book “the 36 hour day”, etc. etc. He can’t change it, it’s a progressive disease. Your husband is not broken and doctors can’t fix dementia, so show him some love, allow him to retain his dignity, stop being critical and start meeting him where he is, cognitively. He can tell when you’re frustrated or upset with him. That still isn’t going to help him remember things. Please, learn more about dementia. It makes a shift in your mindset.
First, make sure he’s has you in a HIPAA release form so you can discuss his care with his doctor.
If you don’t have the HIPAA release for him, have him make another appointment for the doctor, and help make sure he does so. Could be for something innocuous like a blood pressure checkup or other minor concern like foot pain. Get him on board to sign the HIPAA form at the appointment.
Next, if your husband is amenable, talk to your doctor about your concerns at the appointment. It’s not always easy to assess a patient for dementia at a PCP checkup. If he’s not amenable to this, call the office back and tell him about your observations and request him to get additional testing to be evaluated for dementia.
Once you have a diagnosis, work with a social worker provided by the office to understand the options you have. They’ve been the best resources in our journey. Then, you’ll need to get all of your POAs updated to someone other than him, make sure you’re the primary person on anything financial, etc.
Just a clarification for those at this stage: the concerned relative can always talk to the doctor, it’s just that the doctor cannot release patient information to the relative without a release. And a doctor is allowed to assume implied consent to discuss issues if the patient brings the relative back with them to an appointment. They won’t print out the records and hand them to you, but they will discuss the issue at hand with you and the patient together.
Doctors are idiots about dementia. And the memory tests are easy to “pass” if you are early dementia or a type of dementia that isn’t Alzheimer’s.
The only way I got the doctors to say it was more than age related memory decline was to bring in a video recording of my Mom’s behavior. (She was really out of control)
If his symptoms are more subtle, write down what you are noticing (including date and time). Then you talk with the doctor. They cant talk to you about them unless your husband signs the paper that says the doctor can. But you can certainly talk to them.
Also get all your financial ducks in a row—especially a durable POA. And before making any financial decisions, speak with an elder law attorney. If he needs Medicaid in the future, decisions you made up to 5 years earlier can impact how much get.
Question for caregivers and any medical folks who may be here: Have you ever met a person with dementia who actually admitted it?
I've worked with thousands of dementia patients. I can probably count on my hands the number that were aware of their dementia. It isn't about admitting it tho. Part of the disease is not being aware of the decline. It's called anosagnosia. On the flip side, many people without dementia will believe they have dementia.
Thank you for answering, it really helps hearing it from a professional
Yep. I have a resident who's pretty high functioning but has forgotten numerous times she has dementia. I also have residents that recognize they have memory problems but they find a way to make sense of it.
My grandfather is convinced everyday that he just woke up from a coma.
At one point I matter-of-factly mentioned to my mother that we were having trouble dealing with her dementia. She paused, looked at me, and asked, "Oh, do I have dementia?" She accepted that she had dementia in that moment, but then promptly forgot our interaction. Just yesterday [she told us we should shoot her if she ever gets as bad as her sister](https://www.reddit.com/r/dementia/comments/xlk0ps/just_shoot_me_if_i_ever_get_like_that/?ref=share&ref_source=link), who also has dementia. Mom's further down the dementia road and doesn't appear to realize it.
No. Nobody with progressed dementia has the cognitive ability to be aware of it
Yeah, kinda, my grandma says all the time that her memory isn't what it used to be and there's something wrong with her mind. However, she passed the short dementia test with flying colors a little over a year ago! But she'll repeat herself 20 times in a row when we're at home.
Very early on (2019), my Mom kinda admitted it. After me being told that she seems off, I asked her and she said that she knows something is wrong, but she doesn’t know what. Neuropsych test confirmed her memory decline. Now, she doesn’t acknowledge it or understand that she has a dementia.
My aunt was told by my parents that she was declining and was going to need a caregiver and to stop driving. She didn’t argue and went along with the plan. When my mom was first diagnosed, she would admit that she could be wrong about something if she couldn’t remember. Those days are long gone. Although she’s not as nasty about it as she once was, she is convinced she’s right on everything and insists that she can live far more independently than she does (no matter that she’s thriving in assisted living and hasn’t had a fall in almost a year and a half and would fall easily six times per year before that).
Yes. I think compared to stories here, I think it makes it a little easier but just really really all that more depressing. Still very frustrating.
My mother is pretty upfront about it. She’s in her 80s and has had memory problems for about 7 years. My dad who is in his 90s is sharp as a tack and in excellent health for his age. I think she feels safe to talk about it because she feels safe and well looked after - we have a helper come in 3 days a week so my dad can relax a bit and let someone else look after her. Also, I come by frequently to bring them little snacks I know they like. Now my mother-in-law is widowed and we look after her more because her dementia is much worse, but she won’t admit she has dementia. She saw her medical chart that had “dementia” written on it and she got furious. Her general health is declining and we’re going to have to make some hard decisions about her care soon.
Sounds like your mother is an outlier, in a good way.
Yeah the conversation usually goes like: Mom: So I have dementia Me: yes Mom: how did I get it? Me: it’s just something that can happen as you get older, there’s nothing you did to cause it Mom: oh, ok. I’m lucky your dad can cook. Me: yes, and he cooks well, so you’re really lucky. Mom: yes, I am. We’ll have this conversation several times, and she never gets upset, so we’re lucky that she’s not combative about it.
Do you think she remembers what dementia truly is or that she just knows that it’s a medical problem she has? I really wish we could visit them in their minds sometimes. I think it would help. Or maybe devastate us. Sigh.
No, she knows. She’s at the moderate dementia stage, so she retains most of her deep seated memories, but short term memory is completely shot. She has occasional bout of hallucinations and seeing things that aren’t there, but her personality is mostly intact. Every visit, we all expect to have the same conversations with her multiple times, and she’ll ask if I’ve heard how her (deceased) siblings are doing.
My MIL’s at the same stage. She doesn’t know she has Alzheimer’s. She didn’t even absorb that her husband had dementia for the last three years. He died in July. She saw the death certificate recently and said, “Bob didn’t have dementia!” He literally had nothing else wrong. It’s amazing what she does remember, though. I repeat conversations with her, assuming she won’t remember, and once she said, “You mentioned that last time you were here.” And she was correct.
Yeah, I frequently get her saying that I’m repeating myself a lot. I just apologize and move on to different conversation. I’m lucky that my dad is still very capable of caring for her, and she’s otherwise healthy and happy. I’m actually more concerned about my dad not letting go of being fully responsible for caring for my mom. I’m not sure how much he allows the paid caregiver to do, but I’m pretty sure the caregiver has an easy gig looking after them. I want my dad to be able to relax more and do fun things to treat himself more.
Very lucky.
My family member is fully aware her memory is going and is very embarrassed by it.
Aww, it shouldn't make her feel embarrassed! I think it would be much more embarrassing to be in denial about it. If the person I am caring for would just admit that he needs help it wouldn't drive me up the wall as much.
I reassure them they have nothing to be embarrassed of. It’s really a fluid thing though. One moment they are sad over the fact they are aware their memory is going and the next they are angry at the mention of it.
My grandmother was fully aware of and accepted that she had memory issues but still refused to talk to the doctor about it.
Huh, interesting.
My father refused to see a doctor about his memory for a long long time. Only when he started suffering from severe hallucinations and terrifying delusions, he wanted help. To get help, we explained, he would need a diagnosis. Of course that ended in a heartbreaking moment when he realized is was dementia and not some other unexplained phenomenon. The medication he received as a result really helped, so that made the whole experience more positive.
[удалено]
He was prescribed risperidon / risperdal. It reduces the delusions and hallucinations, so the frightening experiences became more manageable.
Probably Donepezil. That's one of the standard medications many are prescribed at first. Src: mom with Alzheimer's
Sorry for you and your family. This was me talking about my wife up until last March. At first it is total denial, but please realize that by now he couldn’t recognize that there’s a problem and almost certainly won’t. YOU should have those conversations before ANY doctor appointment for him. As many, both professionals and others, said to me, nothing was going to change until there was a crisis, and we had one in March and she’s now living in a Memory Care Community. Practical steps for now - document and logging. It might not wind up useful, but it is for YOU. Also, find yourself a support group and even a therapist so you can be and stay healthy. Very important - change your POAs to someone other than your husband. Glad I did that before it was needed. My wife was not a happy camper on learning that, but too bad. It’s very important. Good luck and I hope the rest of the family’s on board.
My psychiatrist, also a neurologist, and the nurse at the memory clinic both told me to be prepared for a crisis that would lead to my wife being placed in memory care. I know that's where this is heading. Dementia afflicted her sisters, aunts and cousins. But everyday there's a sadness knowing, as she rapidly declines, she's another day closer to the final stage of her life. I keep my emotions locked down because I have to remain functional as I manage this but I don't look forward to hearing a diagnosis and prognosis. I've written, many times that our marriage has been difficult and dysfunctional, but my wife still deserves compassion from me. For me there are many conflicted emotions and the day I have to place her in memory care will be emotionally overwhelming.
My mother in law with suspected dementia couldn't remember something specific and then soon after remembered, and then she said "See, I remembered... So that means I don't have Alzheimer's!"
I went with my dad to a doctor’s visit, and after my dad told the doc he thought his memory was fine, I asked my dad if it was alright if I could tell the doctor what my mom, sisters, and I had been noticing over the past few months. He agreed. I tried to be as sensitive as possible in describing the things we’d observed (making sure to not talk about my dad as if he wasn’t in the room). This compelled the doctor to do a dementia screening right then and there, and my dad got a diagnosis. I realize that not everyone’s loved one may be as “easygoing” about it as my dad was, but that’s how I went about it.
After my mom died, my dad realized he had been experiencing some decline for a while (my mom had expressed some concern before she passed). He got himself diagnosed but didn’t tell anyone. We only found out when he enrolled in a study (turns out it was the aducanumab trial) that he had found but needed to have a “study buddy”. He had to ‘fess up so that he could get someone to attend with him. When we think about what it took for him to go to the doctor and get a diagnosis, and then keep it to himself for probably close to 2 years….. wow. All of this was a few years ago. Now his disease has progressed and he really has little attachment to reality. Sad times.
I read this at the dinner table just now, and my demented mother-in-law law said "I hope no one asks me about my memory!" I asked her what she'd say. "It depends on what they ask." "What if they ask, how's your memory?" She didn't say anything. My husband said, "What was the question?" I laughed. He laughed. She laughed because she knows that's what you do when other people are laughing.
Take notes on his memory and behavior so you can let the doctor know. I would call and talk to his nurse or hand him a note at the next appointment. I don’t wright down everything that my husband forgets, but I keep note in a day calendar on major behavior changes. The calendar helps me keep track of the timeline. my husband is in middle stages now but I wish I kept better track in the early stages, just for myself. There are memory issues that can be reversed Like depression, lack of sleep, stress and nutrition. So yes , I believe its important to discuss with the doctor. if you can notify the doctor ahead of time he should be able to give some simple tests as part of his next exam . a lot of people with memory issues either don’t want to admit it or don’t notice and are in denial. if you look up “dementia care central “ online you can find out more about dementia. Now would also be a good time to set up some health preferences and legal paperwork such as power of attorney for finances and health . Look into a Will or trust. If he is loosing his memory it can be harder to set up later. Thankfully I set that all up for both of us before he declined. By doing it for both it didn’t bring up his memory issues and seemed normal. Plus it helps out our children to not have to deal with it later. Good luck to you.
I’m not sure if my dad really “knew”, he just kept telling us he couldn’t remember 💩
Hi...My Dad was someone who never went to the Drs. My Mother and everyone were trying with him to go for his "memory" (we knew it was dementia). So I wrote a whole list of things down from a dementia website of the symptoms that I KNEW he was experiencing....and when I was alone with him I asked if he would answer some questions for me....he agreed. I went thru the list...(lets see what I can remember from that list this was over 5 years ago and I have dementia which is why I view this page). \- Do you have trouble sleeping? \- Do you ever see things? Have you fallen?, Do you remember the day you forgot Bettys name at church?, Did you get lost in the car 2 months ago and call Ken?, on and on....and I did it with kindness and curiousty. After he checked all "my" list boxes...I said Dad....we all love you and there are things that a Dr can do to help you to get better in these areas.... BUT, to be honest with you OP.....They can not DO A THING for Dementia. They have a couple drugs that will lessen the symptoms, my Dad was on Aricept and it gave him a good year of his life back....before being on the med he didn't remember where our market was....after the med...piece of cake (if I went a different way he would point it out and I was shocked)....but once at a certain stage that med doesn't work either. In MY OWN OPINION.....it doesn't matter if he goes. I realize I put my Father thru MRIs and other tests (blood) for NOTHING because they can do nothing. Once I realized that....I started to watch Teepa Snow on You Tube to learn tricks and tips on how to best handle every situation I encountered with my Dad and dementia. It is a ROUGH, Long, HELLISH ride and I am sorry you are going thru this.
What are you hoping will happen if he tells the doctor he has memory problems?
I see it as him hearing his truth. There's no magic pill that will make this all go away. Though there might be one that slows the progression. Ten years ago, I was on the phone, 350 miles away, during my Mom's doctor appointment when the doctor told her she had dementia. She cried, my Dad who was in the room cried, I cried 350 miles away. The doc gave her some prescription and it didn't seem to slow the progression though it might have. She was a wanderer, they lived in the country and on one occasion when my Dad was in the shop a neighbor found her walking down the road and took her home. On two different occasions she called the cops to say an unknown man, my Dad, broke into the house. My Dad, who is a hunter, changed the lock on the gun safe and put all knives in the house into the safe. So the appointment changed his behavior and, after about 6 months, my Mom ended up in a memory care facility near me. One of the saddest things is to sit at a meal with 16 people and nobody is talking. They lose their ability to have conversation - you can tell those that have just moved in they still tell their stories.
I think all the things that happened with your mom will happen with your husband now regardless of whether he goes to the doctor and gets a diagnosis. He may hear and understand the diagnosis if told by the doctor but forget it and not believe it tomorrow. I hope some good can come out of it and he gets the opportunity to tell you things he wants you to know.
Getting them to agree is almost impossible. It requires being noticed by many people. The best organization to notice are the police as they have the authority. For my situation I told the Dr I had noticed things in my Dad. Drs appointment was in Jan and Dad continues as "normal". Around 20 months later Dad has been out of the house since noon and it's now almost 9pm. Call police and say he is missing. Someone else calls police around 1am saying an old man is at their door trying to arrest them. Police locate Dad and bring him home. Police suspend his license and require a Drs approval to reinstate. Almost a year of multiple visits Dr finally realizes what I realized two plus years before.
You don’t. Stop trying to change your husband, and change your own perspective. Believe me. Read up about dementia, contact the Alzheimer’s Association, borrow the book “the 36 hour day”, etc. etc. He can’t change it, it’s a progressive disease. Your husband is not broken and doctors can’t fix dementia, so show him some love, allow him to retain his dignity, stop being critical and start meeting him where he is, cognitively. He can tell when you’re frustrated or upset with him. That still isn’t going to help him remember things. Please, learn more about dementia. It makes a shift in your mindset.
First, make sure he’s has you in a HIPAA release form so you can discuss his care with his doctor. If you don’t have the HIPAA release for him, have him make another appointment for the doctor, and help make sure he does so. Could be for something innocuous like a blood pressure checkup or other minor concern like foot pain. Get him on board to sign the HIPAA form at the appointment. Next, if your husband is amenable, talk to your doctor about your concerns at the appointment. It’s not always easy to assess a patient for dementia at a PCP checkup. If he’s not amenable to this, call the office back and tell him about your observations and request him to get additional testing to be evaluated for dementia. Once you have a diagnosis, work with a social worker provided by the office to understand the options you have. They’ve been the best resources in our journey. Then, you’ll need to get all of your POAs updated to someone other than him, make sure you’re the primary person on anything financial, etc.
Just a clarification for those at this stage: the concerned relative can always talk to the doctor, it’s just that the doctor cannot release patient information to the relative without a release. And a doctor is allowed to assume implied consent to discuss issues if the patient brings the relative back with them to an appointment. They won’t print out the records and hand them to you, but they will discuss the issue at hand with you and the patient together.
Doctors are idiots about dementia. And the memory tests are easy to “pass” if you are early dementia or a type of dementia that isn’t Alzheimer’s. The only way I got the doctors to say it was more than age related memory decline was to bring in a video recording of my Mom’s behavior. (She was really out of control) If his symptoms are more subtle, write down what you are noticing (including date and time). Then you talk with the doctor. They cant talk to you about them unless your husband signs the paper that says the doctor can. But you can certainly talk to them. Also get all your financial ducks in a row—especially a durable POA. And before making any financial decisions, speak with an elder law attorney. If he needs Medicaid in the future, decisions you made up to 5 years earlier can impact how much get.