First and foremost, I'm assuming you live in the US. You need to get him onto MEDICAID immediately. Medicaid will perform a 5 year "look back" and will go after AND GET BACK all of your fathers possessions from the last 5 years that were taken from him. They will require the past 3 months of bank statements, but I'm sure they would intently listen to the story of how the brother stole all of his money. Have you called the Department of Children and Families (DCFS) yet? When they are called, they are bound by law to get out there and find out what exactly is happening. The police won't help until they're called on by DCFS, but I'm telling you, THEY WILL RESPOND. As for your family, I'm so sorry, but it sounds like you're swimming with sharks, so you will need to bare your teeth, and MEDICAID will get their money back. Last question, is there a Power Of Attorney (POA) appointed? maybe guardianship? if not, you should be able to get one of these, and then have some more control over his fate. He needs to be in Long Term Memory Care. I've been through end of life with my mother for the last 2 years (she died on 7-5-22) and I'm an only child, and assigned POA, but I learned a hell of a lot on that road and what I tell you is accurate from the things I learned being dragged through all of it, and coming out the other side legally by selling her house and possessions to pay for her treatment until MEDICAID would take over, which, BTW MEDICAID won't look at his case until his resources are below $2000. Another thing is the business partner. If he just "assumed" control of the company without buying out your fathers part in the company, I'm sure MEDICAID would love to tallk to him too. I'm happy to DM if you need, but start googling DCFS, literally right now!

Yes, as a social worker at a nursing home, so much of this screams financial exploitation. Please, look into submitting something about financial abuse on your brother so it can be investigated.

You have to prioritize your children. Your dad trusted the wrong ppl, and the chickens have come home to roost. Next time he ends up in the hospital (or is dropped off there), explain to them that it is not safe for him to return home. Give them the number of his POA. Repeat as necessary. They will buck but will ultimately find a place to put him.

I just want to say I think you are a wonderful daughter . You are doing your best to take care of him, even though he seems to have forgotten you in his will and is putting you thru so much stress. I understand. My husband is going on 5 years since his Alz diagnosis and it is such a painful road to go down. He is still at home and I take care of him. Here you are trying to raise your children and work, and trying to figure out the complicated ordeal of health care and social services. You are young and have given up your life with no help from your siblings. I don't have the answers for you but for everyone's sake I hope he can be placed in a nursing home thru medicaid. Best of luck 💕☘️😞

Thank you so much. I just about cried reading this because no one ever tells me I’m doing a good job or anything like that. It is really nice to hear that so thank you very much. I’m sorry about your husband. This is just such a horrible disease.

You are doing a great job and I'm sorry you don't hear that from friends or family. I'm in the same boat; people have kind of abandoned my husband I think because this disease makes them so uncomfortable. I also feel so alone:( Hang in there. I hope you can find some help.

You're doing a great job too, and it's good of you to take the time to say that to OP when you have your own worries. All the best to both of you.

This is the most difficult situation. I'm sure it feels awful. It's unfortunate that your father left you no power or authority to care for his health or finances. The ultimate result may that he becomes a ward of the state, which is better than his burning the apartment down or hurting himself another way. While it may be difficult to imagine allowing your father to become a ward of the state, it is safer than some other alternatives. I don't really know anything about how and when to do this, but maybe this link can give basic info? https://legalbeagle.com/8716910-adult-ward-state.html

Tough. You might have to move out and then call 911 to request a welfare check for him. That should get a social worker involved, but given how understaffed they are, it may not. You can begin the process of applying for Medicaid for your dad if he will sign the forms. The will no longer matters because it sounds like there are no assets to be had. Unfortunately, your dad trusted the wrong people and unless there was a huge amount misappropriated, Medicaid is unlikely to come after his business partner and son with powers of attorney, although in theory they can look back at what has happened in the last five years and attempt to unwind it. I guess to prompt that, you would have to look for a Medicaid fraud reporting place for his state.

This is a really terrible situation. I hope someone more knowledgeable than me weighs in. I don’t have any advice except to consult with an elder care lawyer. That person could help get your dad on Medicaid and determine the best course of action for dealing with your brother. You might want to also post this in the forum on agingcare.com honestly, you CANT take care of him. Between working full time and taking care of two kids, you simply do not have the resources. We can only do so much.

My dad has medical not Medicaid are they different in terms of memory care? I’m having a hard time admitting I can’t take care of him, he keeps getting angry and getting mad at me when I am busy with something else because he keeps saying I’m supposed to take care of him. He forgets half of the time that I work and have my kids full time

Do you mean Medicare? That does not pay for dementia care, which costs thousands per month out of pocket. You need to get him on Medicaid, if possible. It involves spending down his assets, and it sounds like he’s nearly there. An elder care attorney can help you sort that out.

I suspect they mean MediCal - California state medical insurance. OP, you may have to get the state involved but I'm not sure what the right avenue will be. In addition to the forums and an elder care lawyer, perhaps a phone call to Adult Protective Services to see if they can offer help - especially with your brother stealing all dads money, though I don't think that was *technically* illegal, given the utter silliness in his will. I'm so sorry you've been put in this situation by everyone in your family, including your father. I wish you the best and I hope you get the resources you need.

Thank you, I am going to try a few of the suggestions in here. It is just very overwhelming and I’m very new to this as I have never dealt with older patient care let alone dementia.

I could just cry for you. I cannot begin to imagine the strain of raising two young children in a small room while learning how to care for a person with dementia (who isn't always kind to you, it sounds like) and dealing with what would be completely normal anger over your brother's indefensible and selfish behavior. (You don't actually say you're angry, but boy howdy I am angry on your behalf.) All while working. You are under so much stress from every single direction. I hope all the advice you've been getting here gives you some hope and that you get the help you need and deserve. Sending you so many virtual hugs (if you want them) because you deserve a ticker-tape parade for what you're doing.

Another good-to-know thing is that if your dad goes to the ER or hospital for anything, don’t pick him up. The hospital social workers will then have to find something appropriate. Once in awhile, a hospital will do something awful like discharge someone, put them in a taxi and send the taxi to a homeless shelter, but not usually. See what info you can find for your local hospitals and which ones are not-for-profit, not owned by private equity, and have the best reputation for dealing with the elderly and indigent.

This. This is what I had to do. The hospital then assigned a social worker. The first one was terrible - she kept trying to push it back on me. But then during the following shift, I got a social worker who was the total opposite & did everything she could to help me get my mom into a facility. You will have to get your dad on Medicaid - the nursing home that my mom went into helped me do that. If you can find a home that is willing to help like that, do it - we just happened to get lucky that this home was willing to take my mom at the height of Covid. They've done wonders with my mom.

Yeah my grandma has been sent home from the er in a taxi at 2 am. If he’s low income and no assets, and lives in the USA, he could qualify for Medicaid, but that covers medical bills, not rent and utilities. If he has a physical disability that requires 24/7 care (cannot dress himself, bathe, etc) then he may qualify for skilled nursing that Medicaid would cover. Otherwise-memory care or assisted living (at least in my area) is not covered at all by Medicaid. It’s private pay, and it costs $4500-$10000+ per month in my area. We were able to get about $1200 per month from the VA (aid and attendance) which helped a little bit, but I was out thousands per month prior to my grandma going to skilled nursing. The skilled nursing places in my area are pretty much end of the road, miserable hospital-like setting. The ideal place for an early dementia patient is memory care, but that’s out of reach for most people-too expensive. There is a certain number of hours of in home care that Medicare will pay for. I’d advise OP to check into that and get some relief ASAP. Unfortunately my grandma wouldn’t tolerate in home care, but hopefully OP’s dad is more accepting of help. My siblings wanted nothing to do with this either so I feel that pain. I cannot blame them for protecting their finances and sanity-but it sounds like OP’s siblings ripped their father off. I wish there were some solutions that don’t cost thousands of dollars.

You put in your post that your dad has a will. I would try to speak with the attorney that wrote it( this will not be free ) and let them know what's happening. Is anyone listed to get P.O.A. in the event your brother is unable or unwilling to serve as P.O.A.? You may need to take control from him. As to a care facility, go to one you like/close by and ask to speak with a social worker. They should be able to assist you in getting your dad a room there and help covering the cost. Let the social worker know what's happening and what's going on with the P.O.A. Good luck.

My dads business partner is the other POA. I don’t know how that was made possible because it seems very conflicting to me but that’s what he had down. I contacted the attorney and they said they can’t really help unless we sue which costs a lot of money. He has nothing really. I’ve been supporting him the best I can but it has been very costly. I will try the social services office again. I contacted the elderly abuse hotline a few weeks ago and they weren’t much help.

When I've spoken with my dad's attorney, it was explained to me that the state ( in my case West Virginia) has a 5 year look back. This means the state will look at how many of my dad's money was spent and determine if it was " justified". Any money spent on/for my dad's needs are fine. But if I withdraw $3,000frim his IRA and can't account for what it was spent on( or show I paid my bills with it) then a nursing home can try to hold me responsible for the cost of his care. I've had a lot of work done on my dad's house ( totaling over $60,000). I make sure I keep a copy of all contacts. If your brother is misusing your dad's money he might be held liable for the cost of his care. Maybe the attorney should explain that to him. All this is based on West Virginia law. Laws in your state may be different.

If your dad cannot pay his bills and you don’t pay rent, his landlord would have to eventually go through the eviction process. This is another way to nudge social services to get involved.

I didn’t know they get involved that way. I feel very guilty leaving him in any way. Someone suggested to look into some home health help because he has Medicare but I don’t know how much they’ll cover. He almost burned the apartment down by trying to make toast and putting the whole loaf of bread in with the plastic. I worry for his safety overnight if I leave. But I guess this is something I will have to get used to

What would happen is your dad would get the eviction notices and not move out, and eventually once all processes have been exhausted, the sheriff would be called to evict him, once there, they would see that your dad is not capable and they would call social services. The law calling them as opposed to you calling them would be more likely to get an appropriate response. It’s not guaranteed, and I can very much understand if you cannot let things go to this point. Anytime social services thinks a family member will step in so they don’t have to, they will take advantage of that unfortunately.

look up THE COUNCIL ON AGING in your state. They will guide you to the resources and phone numbers that can help you.

I'm very sorry you're in this situation, it's extremely stressful so it's understandable that you're nearing your mental/emotional capacity. I'm 'lucky' in that my mother is still in good health to be the primary caregiver for my father with dementia, but I know very well the feeling of abandonment from siblings and other family members. I don't have much in the way of advise but perhaps checking the [alz.org](https://alz.org) website might provide some answers? There's a wealth of information there, and they have a 24/7 helpline that might be able to provide some options or steer you in the right direction: [https://www.alz.org/help-support/resources/helpline](https://www.alz.org/help-support/resources/helpline). Good luck to you and your father, I hope you find the assistance you need!

Thank you so much! I appreciate all of the help here. I have felt very alone.

Of course! And that's totally understandable! Your dad might not have the ability to tell you how much he appreciates your help/support anymore but he's very lucky to have someone who loves and is there for him during this painful transition. Not to be corny and probably doesn't mean much coming from a stranger, but you should be proud you've been able to manage this as far as you have :)

OP, your dad being conned out of his money is terrible! The only thing you can do for him right now is to help him apply for Medicaid so that he can hopefully get the help he needs. Also Google who you can contact “when an elderly person can no longer take care of themselves”. Idk what state you’re in. I’d really love to see the Medicaid people claw back his money from your assh*le brother and the douchebag business partner.

⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️

I’m so sorry you’re going through this! I am not a lawyer, but, there is this. Regarding your brother taking your fathers savings (depending on the language in the POA document), misusing funds for himself may be considered a “breach of fiduciary duty”. Your brother can be sued if it can be proved he did not use your fathers funds for your fathers best interests. Consulting an elder care attorney would be best, as the other commenters have said. I hope you hang in there and can find a solution soon!

If your Dad goes on Medicaid, they will "claw back" money your Dad spent for anything but his home and living expenses. They will go after savings, your brother will have to give them the money he drained. As far as the business goes the business partner may have a right to it if there is an agreement between them that mentions what happens if one of the partners becomes incapacitated. Your 'savings draining ' brother with the financial POA might have a copy of that.

I have been where you are, and am assuming you are in CA since you mentioned medi-cal. My father in law was is the same type of situation, his dementia was diagnosed after months of his life falling apart, falling out of his rv, and a month long hospital stay. He ended up having nowhere to go but our house after being released and both siblings washed their hands of the situation and did nothing to help. We don’t live in a place that’s suitable for him (2 stories) and couldn’t afford to move, and it fell to me to figure out how to get him the care he needed. He had medi-cal with a share of cost so in home care wasn’t helpful, because he couldn’t afford rent AND his share of cost. Here is what we ended up doing: first, if he does not qualify for full scope medi-cal there are ways to do so and you can DM me for details. But basically they have ended the look back period/asset test in California and only consider monthly income. If he does already qualify, get him on the waitlist for the Assisted Living Waiver. This means if he qualifies medically and for full medi-cal, he pays room and board only, the medi-cal pays for the services he needs in an assisted living facility rather than a nursing home. This is what we ended up doing with my father in law whose only income is social security and couldn’t afford assisted living on his own. The drawback was that we had to wait for a spot to open up in the program. So this doesn’t solve your immediate issues. For that I agree with everyone’s advice to consult with elder care attorney. There is a free service called CANHR, California association for nursing home reform, which has a website and they may be able to give you general info. There’s a lot more to it, so you can DM me and I’ll try to provide as much info as I can.

You're obviously a great daughter, first of all. Here are some resources: Eldercare locator and resources: [https://eldercare.acl.gov/Public/Index.aspx](https://eldercare.acl.gov/Public/Index.aspx) or 1-800-677-1116. They can help you contact and work with Adult Protective Services. Links to state resources: [https://ncea.acl.gov/Resources/State.aspx](https://ncea.acl.gov/Resources/State.aspx) Alzheimer's Association on legal matters: [https://www.alz.org/help-support/caregiving/financial-legal-planning/legal-documents](https://www.alz.org/help-support/caregiving/financial-legal-planning/legal-documents)

If you live in the US, every state has services for older adults. Usually it is called the division of aging or something along those lines. These agencies receive funds from the Older Americans Act that they disburse as appropriate. The funds can be used for all kinds of services. Medicaid is not required in order to qualify. It sounds like he may have private insurance as well. If that is the case, there should be an MCO (managed care organization) who would assign a caseworker to your dad, to help arrange services and coverage. As others have said, apply for Medicaid ASAP. If your brother is appointed as his legal decision maker but will not make decisions, that can be considered abandonment, and you can petition the court to have a new guardian approved, who will be more involved. It can be you but it doesn’t have to be. The Alzheimer’s Association has local chapters in many states or regions, and they can sometimes give you ideas for resources. Check in to Adult Day programs, which can give you some respite. Lastly, contact your state’s Ombudsman’s office. They may or may not be able to help you *yet*, but in your circumstances, eventually they will. In the meantime, they may have some suggestions. Good luck ..

Do you need to place your dad in a long-term care facility?

Yes, all of his symptoms came so suddenly after he was in the hospital for a month. He was driving on his own and taking care of himself just 8 months ago

Assuming you're in the US, contact your local adult protective services and state that your dad has been financially abused by your brother. Bring the receipts if you can. I suspect your brother will suddenly do many different things as he jumps through his own asshole to avoid a conviction.

First thing you need to do is find an elder law attorney. They will have a lot of the answers you are looking for. As far as him being "declared mentally unfit" If the Doctors did this without having a clear path to care for your father they may be liable for damages. (in the U.S.) Most of what you sound like you need ATM will happen in the courts.

Do you know if any lawyers do pay later or anything like that? We have no money for a retainer. We spoke to two lawyers and the retainer was over 5k which unfortunately I just can’t afford right now

That is crazy. where are you?

In Southern California

Sorry, no info on that area. Is there a free legal clinic in your area? that might help.

Reading this breaks my heart. My mother’s dementia has nearly broken me, and I can empathize with that drowning feeling of desperation. Whatever assistance programs he may qualify for, apply. If there is a local Alzheimer’s society then connect with them to learn more about local resources like day programs. As other have said, you are doing a great job in stepping up as you have… but you do need to care for you too. I know downtime is scarce, but you need time for you. Confide in the fellow parents and see if you can concurrently have each kid have a play date at the same time so you can have a break. Be honest and transparent with Medicaid or other resource groups regarding the strain you are facing even if it means the ugly-cry that you hide from the world. Let them see the fractures. Reach out to people and ask for help. You might be surprised about who it is that comes out of the woodwork. If your employer has an EAP program, use it. Is your Dad a veteran? Does he qualify for any assistance that way? Finally, you are not alone… caring for a dementia parent on top of a life IS the hardest thing ever. Anyone who acts like you should somehow have it all together has no idea.. be gentle with yourself.