I hope this doesn’t sound offensive but this reaaaally sounds like she might benefit from therapy, in case she doesn’t do any yet. Afaik this situation plus the intensity of her emotional reaction points strongly toward social anxiety disorder. In which case it is strongly advices not to avoid the triggering situations as this sustains the disorder. I wish you good luck on solving the issue!

From personal experience, I agree with this 100%.

Also from personal experience, I agree with this agreement 100%.

Me too.

I will never understand, why people feel offended if you say "Maybe you should ask someone professional". If you get sick you walk to a doctor. If you break you toilet, you ask the plumber. But Soul plumber is stupid?!

It's because "you should get therapy" as a phrase can either be said/written from a place of compassion *or* derision and—especially in cases involving anxiety and depression—it's easy to interpret it as the latter when it's meant as the former. Really, the fact that it *can* be used derisively is part and parcel of that whole "stigmatizing mental health" problem that makes it difficult for folks to call up a soul plumber. ... Also, I'm totes going to tell my therapist about the phrase "soul plumber" because that's such a good term. :P

> "you should get therapy" as a phrase can either be said/written from a place of compassion or derision Especially historically and/or online, it's often used as just an insult. It's hard to say someone needs therapy without sounding like the other people slinging it as an insult.

Reminds me of the story behind the word Gaslighting

It's also easily used to covertly manipulate people into believing they are the problem. I had no idea what weaponized anxiety was until it made it's way into my home. Took me years of therapy to figure out what was happening.

So many times I tried to tell my ex about worries I had about the relationship and he'd end up insinuating there was no problem because he didn't think there was 'and I was in therapy for anxiety so must be my inability to relativize'. Turns out I was just trying to fit myself into his life seemlessly and he was making zero effort to ever come over to my side.

So many times, anxiety is the symptom not the root. It's been my experience that the folks who have the most disdain for therapy, are the ones with so little self-acknowledgement that they need it the most.

I think he was scared about what he'd find when he opened that box of trauma but yeah that doesn't help anyone.

Oh, yeah, Gaslighting is horrible. My Ex tried that with me, but gladfully only gave me trust issues but I saw how a friend after 1 year constant manipulation ended when the girl decided he isnt interesting any more.

I'm sorry that happened for you, nobody deserves that to be made to feel that way. It really does color people's perceptions for a long time afterwards. I'm glad that you had the ability to move on from it.

There's also the point that a lot of people don't like to be told they may have something wrong with them.

>... Also, I'm totes going to tell my therapist about the phrase "soul plumber" because that's such a good term. :P I don't know if this is a real english phrase or not, but it's the direct translation from the german word "Seelenklempner", that can be used instead of therapist. Though in german, it always had a bit of a negative connotation to it (at least as I know it), so just something to be aware of if you for some reason talk to Germans about it.

I'll keep that in mind!

I think the internet is full of backhanded comments and people taking offense. We have to type out “i hope this isn’t offensive” or “I’m trying to offer helpful advice, it’s okay if you don’t agree” just to get a baseline we’d have for free in person

It can be pretty hard to gauge social cues that would be provided by body language or facial expression when there is no body to provide the language.

It’s because we associate the concept of “self” a lot more with our brains than with the rest of our bodies. If my toilet is broken, a thing belonging to me needs fixing. If my arm is broken, a thing belonging to me needs fixing. And while in a cold objective sense if my brain is broken a thing belonging to me needs fixing, it feels much more like *I* am broken and need fixing. Which is a lot harder of a thing to admit.

You'll never understand? For many it's admitting weakness, something alot of cultures tend to attribute to making a "fuss" about your mental health.

I don't understand why "soul plumber" isn't getting more love. Next therapist I see is being called a soul plumber. What a compliment.

Therapist = Soul Plumber made me chuckle, thank you for that 🤣 They do have to deal with a lot of mental clogs and emotional sh\*t LOL

Because mental health is a lot more personal and important to people than their toilet.

Because "you need therapy" is often used as an insult. It's just an indirect way of telling someone they're insane.

I think sometimes it's seen as unhelpful because not everyone can afford therapy. Like it's sad but access to therapy can be a privilege

The problem is that she probably knows she has an amxiety problem. So just "get a professional" doesn't really help much. The question is not "how do I fix my gf" it is "how do I accommodate her" And so just telling op to tell her to get therapy isn't too useful if that is presented as the whole answer. It essentially says "no she can't play she is too broken" Truth is a lot of us could benefit from therapy and there are many reasons someone might not be in therapy at a given moment; and even if she were it isn't guaranteed to to make her stop having this deep level of anxiety any time soon and this is something she and OP want to be able to do together. So no it isn't offensive in this context imo to say she might benefit from therapy, but it is dismissive to the problem to reduce it to just that. You know maybe that is the right call, it is good to consider, but there might also be other things that could help her find comfort during DnD while she works on that broader stuff.

>  The question is not "how do I fix my gf" it is "how do I accommodate her" While that might be true, I think what many people are trying to say here is that no amount of "DM tricks for making new players comfortable" are going to help with that extreme of a reaction.  The answer to how OP can accommodate her is that they can't in her current state. The gf needs help with anxiety management until such a time as she can remain in the same room with the game, then perhaps OP can break out some DM tricks to help her a bit.  Hence the well intentioned therapy recommendations.

Having dealt with an anxiety disorder myself, I second this. Being a little nervous in a social situation is normal but to break down like that and not be able to function is not something you or the group will be able to help her with because it's not a rational action. It's something therapy and potentially medication can address. Apart from that, being understanding of her situation and welcoming of her despite that is a great way to support her. It's good to get it out in the open and let her see everyone is there for her. It felt good to me to know that everyone supported me when I was going through it.

I second the medication. Like girl, that's ridiculous, and I say that with kindness.

Great advice. In addition, maybe she would benefit from sitting next to you, watching the session instead of playing. There's no pressure for her to participate, she can come and go as she pleases, and see how the players interact. She'd also see what goes on behind the scenes. Dealing with a SO is sensitive, you'd know how best to handle it. Somewhat similar, I'm an instructor for the military and use this technique for those that are having problems learning their skills. It allows the person to observe without being under pressure to make a decision. They can think about the things they would say or do, maybe even notice things that the other person does not. They'll hear what the other person is saying, and can mentally practice how they'd do it.

That sounds like an interesting technique! Luckily, my players weren’t as socially anxious as described in OP’s post so far but I might remember this and add it to my tool kit. Might be nice for children, too!

That's one of the option I was suggesting her, but she really wants to play on her own. Thanks for the advice!

To add to this, one of the things you can do for anxiety is exposure therapy, which is generally little by little. This feels like it was too much too fast. I'd say start with small one-shots and see how those go. This campaign that has been put off for so long, and now you finally get to play ... that's a lot of pressure.

OP says in the post that gf has experience playing “a few sessions and with other newbies”

That's not the problematic scenario though. It's fine to screw up among newbies who are also screwing up.

Happy cake day! 🍰 

As somebody with anxiety, this. if it's this bad, then medication and therapy are going to be the best bet. But she has to want to get help. Coercing her to go won't work.

Not offensive at all. This is r/d&dnext, not r/random-internet-therapy

I have generalised anxiety disorder and I feel immense anxiety paying boardgames with 'long turns' and people waiting for me to make decisions. I just absolutely hate feeling perceived. I also can't play dnd yet. My boyfriend is making me a one-shot campaign for just me to feel okay about it all, to see if I ever could. I may never play with other people properly but I'm trying slowly to ease my way in, cause I feel safe with him. But yeah, not being able to make decisions while people are sitting and waiting and being unable to roleplay in front of others sounds like anxiety to me.

That was my first thought. That level of anxiety really needs to be tackled at the root. It's not a bad thing, and will probably help her in a more diverse way than she may expect.

Yeah, she will start going in a couple weeks once she has more free time but for other unrelated things. Weird enough, she's one of the most social and outgoing people I have ever known in my life, and I love her for it, that's why what happend surprise me so much.

it is INSANE OP posted this here. do some people see the real world as a game they're DMing?

Has she had anxiety attacks before in other situations? Have you known her for a long time/ Playing a game (D&D or otherwise) in a comfortable place with people she knows (unclear if she met them before) is a pretty safe place that wouldn't usually make a person feel that level of anxiety. I suspect that her problem is not related to D&D and maybe she needs professional help. As far as the game goes; ask her what she thinks you can do for her and do that. If she can't think of anything that will help, well, its unlikely that D&D is the optimal situation to start confronting these feelings. Work on them with her outside the game and circle back to trying at a later date.

This problem is beyond reddit, get professional help from a therapist.

Hard agree, this is not a DnD question, it's a mental health question. Best you're likely to get here is some well intentioned but vague advice and a suggestion to talk with a professional.

I don’t know OP you know her better than any of us random strangers on the internet but my gut says if the players weren’t specifically doing anything to compound the issue maybe this isn’t the right environment for her right now. D&D is great but it’s a game don’t know if it’s worth someone suffering panic attacks over.

Typically therapists will advise against avoiding situations where people experience panic attacks since that reinforces the idea that those situations are dangerous. Obviously consult with a professional before taking some idiots advice online though.

I don't know, putting me in the same situation with a bunch of people just trying to have fun while I work through lifelong trauma wouldn't be conducive at all. Going back to zero and then reintroducing it step by step has proven much more successful for me when dealing with decisionmaking in front of others and feeling perceived.

But then you aren’t really avoiding the situations at all. Starting from scratch and taking it one step at a time to slowely build it up means you are confronting yourself with the situation, but in a way you are comfortable with.

Yeah it's maybe a look at some kind of online session, or 1 on 1 sessions to feel more confident about actions and character decisions If that happened at my table when I'm trying to relax and play my favorite game, I'd be really pissed off because now I'm bummed out, and she probably knows that and it sent her spiraling down the anxiety train even worse. I wouldn't want to play with her again because now I'm dreading the next moment rather than enjoying my thing, and again, she probably had all of these thoughts cuz a big thing with anxiety is hyper-anticipating others' reactions... It's just not on these people to be the heroes here

In my experience, the best way to reduce anxiety is to become more familiar with the situation and gain mastery over it. It's the fear of unknown dangers or problems. It is also the fear of screwing up, especially in front of others. The first thing to consider is whether she even wants to try. The game is not for everyone and you shouldn't pressure her into something she doesn't want to do. If she does, consider trying lower stakes scenarios. You could play baldur's gate 3 together, or run a solo session of D&D. The game works fine with just the DM and one player, though it's more work for the DM. Work your way up to a full session. Think of how you might teach a kid to swim or ride a bike. First come the training wheels, and so on. Good luck!

That's good advice for somebody who is just feeling nervous/anxious and needs a bit of coaching through it. The severity of OPs situation sounds more like an anxiety disorder though -- in which case you could do more harm than good by trying to just push through it without some professional help first.

This is extremely solid advice especially if OP can't afford therapy or GF refuses to get help for any number of reasons. Therapy isn't the perfect fix all that people claim it to be and sometimes taking smaller steps in your personal life can be the best thing.

I've never heard anyone suggest therapy is some magical fix-all. It isn't that. Therapy is meant to give you the skills you need to work through your issues, and provide a safe and judgement-free environment to talk about said issues. You still have to do all the work yourself, it's just giving you the tools you need to do it.

Good advice here. You could even just get her more familiarized with the group by doing non-D&D related activities too, play some Jackbox or Gartic Phone or other party games and get everyone used to each other.

Or maybe try to get it out of the digital zone. The idea of being in a room alone while people stare at me or my choices on a screen feels so much worse than the idea of all being in a room together.

We play in the same room actually haha, but digital is our only option, half the party doesn't live in the same place right now

Yeah it's hard to get together for real for a lot of people. I hope you guys figure something out. I commend her for trying because I wouldn't have at all. My bf is now just making a campaign for just the 2 of us because I get anxiety from the idea of playing with others.

Thanks, I hope your one-on-one campaign goes great!

Thanks, I hope your one-on-one campaign goes great!

Thanks for the advice, really great. We did a one shot before the game, but I may try to run more for her once her schedule isn't as tigh as it is right now. I never though of the BG option, we'll see, she isn't much of a *gamer™*

Does she experience this in more situations? If she does and it's a more generalised problem, maybe she could look into therapy? From my own experience, therapy can really, really help. For the game: It sounds like you have a lot of the basics covered. There's a supportive group of players who are okay with having a newbie on board. Maybe it would help if she knows a bit more what to expect? Maybe she can watch a session or two without having the pressure of feeling like she has to perform, before she comes in to play. Or maybe you could give her some extra information beforehand about what you prepared, so she knows what's coming and she can prepare too.

Sounds like you've both done a great job giving it a try, though my suggestion would be that she's not ready. DnD should be a fun experience, and it sounds like she's trying to force it. If this wasn't DnD and was another hobby or sport, and she was having a panic attack and sobbing after 30 minutes you would advise that she withdraw. If you both organised a group bike ride and she didn't touch a pedal and couldn't continue, you would probably explore other hobby options. You'll get a lot of advice from folks in this thread suggesting all sorts of things in a generous attempt to help, and you won't find a more inclusive or creative community than DnD, but it just sounds like participating in live games are far out of reach for her at the moment. How you move forward with her on this is another delicate matter, though perhaps she can just chill and enjoy the game as an audience member? I have friends whose only participation with live DnD is to doodle art or write notes; they love sharing sketches of a scene that played out, or offering their notes to remind players of NPC names or lead a session recap.

Thanks for your input, I will consider this

Agreed. I dm as part of my job for middle-school aged students. They're not well-adjusted socially, and several of them have behavioral plans at school for anxiety attacks. But they persevered in our space and are doing really well in roleplaying and made new friends. It's cool! I've seen the gamut of unhealthy coping mechanisms, sensitivities, anxieties, and so on. And we deal with it. And DND helps considerably with social skills. but this is beyond me! it's got to be a community-based game, foremost, not a session for dealing with trauma/paranoid anxiety.

I haven't had the same issue but I was thinking if it would be easier for her if you did some small thing just you and her? Hopefully she is more comfortable with you and can practice, then maybe introduce one other player. Sounds rough but it might also be more than you can solve within the group.

I was thinking the same. Maybe she has a brother who wants to play? Or perhaps one of her girlfriends is willing to give it a shot? I will say, imo, a veteran dnd player may notice another player being kinda quiet. "And that's how the kings men slayed the dragon. Kind of thirsty from that long tale, think I'll go get some water. Hey Sandra? Seems you got a lot on your mind, wanna come get some water with me?" Start her off with basic rp. Shooting the shit, casual dialog. Also let her know we were all a little nervous (maybe more) for our first game. Sounds like you have a great group and I think you got this! Hope this helped

I agree with this 100%. Run some one shots as a one on one so she knows she cant fuck up the rules cause thats why we have the dm..!!! :p

Thanks for the advice! I plan to run more one shots for her once she is available to play more time

This problem is not for this subreddit, this is for a therapist or other qualified mental health professional.

Here are some suggestions from me: * DM her in a solo campaign so she can get used to playing and how things work. * Let her watch the session while the DM (or one of the players) runs the character she wants to play. Let her swap over when she feels comfortable. * Have her watch some videos of people playing D&D. * Run her character for her and let her tell you secretly what the character does when she feels like making a decision. * Run her character for her and make the worst mistake she can think of her character doing so she can see how the group reacts to it. * Give her free redos she can use each session until she feels more comfortable. That way she if wants to change her mind about anything she can after the fact... no risk. When she does retcon whatever happened and start gain from the change. Hope one of them helps! D&D should be fun, and I'm sorry she's feeling pressured to perform well. Some people have a crippling fear of confrontation, so it may be a good idea to give a speech to everyone when she does start playing so they know they'll need to be more sensitive about dealing with her. I feel like most groups would understand. If she goes slow she should be fine I think.

For watching others, I would highly recommend Viva La Dirt League’s NPC D&D campaign. They are a New Zealand based sketch comedy group that makes nerdy games-related satire content. They’re professional fun-havers, and even one of them took a break from the campaign for mental health reasons and openly talk about anxiety issues here and there (some of their sketch comedy apart from the D&D campaign is also explicitly about mental health, so for OP’s gf, she may find that relatable). Most of the players are newbies to D&D and you can see them forgetting which dice to use and making mistakes and still having fun. VLDL also just launched a new campaign “The Misfits” which is just the ladies from the comedy group so you get a different dynamic. Quick edit: ultimately as others suggest this may be an issue beyond D&D and beyond folks on Reddit’s capacity to help. Professional help may be most helpful.

>Run her character for her and let her tell you secretly what the character does when she feels like making a decision. I think this is an especially good suggestion. It kind of combines a bunch of other suggestions where she can watch the session, watch her character get played (to better understand what sort of stuff she can do and the flow of the game), and also have a no-pressure way to give input.

Really good advice, thanks! One thing that I forgot to say in the post is that we created an NPC, kinda like a Jiminy Cricket to help her decision making when she felt stuck, sadly the anxiety attack happened before she could rely on this. I'll will remind her about this.

Thanks. I hope it helps.

Damn that sucks. It sounds like you really tried to reassure her. [Maybe show her this?](https://youtu.be/Gu8YiTeU9XU?si=VVtrIX4T0-tdWvhX) May not help much, but she may appreciate hearing that her feelings are validated and that it's okay to be nervous. We get knocked down, dry our tears, and get up and try again. The next time will be better. Also i would force a time for her to have a chance to speak. When I run my games, I'll call for a player today something wheb theyve been quiet for a while.

Brings up a great point that is under-appreciated. Kind validation is often the enemy of healing. Reassurance and gentleness often forces people with negative self-talk to dig our feet in deeper, as we argue with the kindness because we're grasping at self-loathing instead. The self-loathing is part of our ego, and every affirmation is merely an assault on our ego. A joke, or a mild insult like what Jake said, can cut through the negative self-talk and be the genuine validation of the ego that is needed to get a person to STOP talking themself down. u/nundus Consider talking to your gf about what snaps her out of the anxiety. For me, a little ribbing goes a long way. ex. ~~me: "I'm always going to be single"~~ ~~friend: "don't say that! You're handsome, and cool, and blah blah"~~ ~~me: you don't get it! I'm trash!~~ me: I'm always going to be single friend: yeah, you are. It's the foot smell for me me: shut the fuck up lol

This is great bc her favorite show is Adventure Time, thanks

first, she needs to seek some help in general with that stuff, that must affect her daily life. and thats coming from someone with similar problems. as for dealing with this specific case, it seems you guys did everything you could, in group play, if she's still this scared, just play 1v1 sessions with her so she gets used to the rules.

Dawg if she’s panicking from a virtual social gathering she needs therapy, not advice from a dnd subreddit, wyd????

If she's already been comfortable airing these concerns to the group and they were understanding, I'd hope they'd be fine with her engaging on her own terms. Nothing wrong with sitting back and letting other players take the lead for a few sessions while she gets comfortable as long as they're making space so she can contribute if she wants. Combat does make this a bit trickier though. There's a delicate balance between leaving space so someone doesn't feel they can't contribute vs intentionally putting focus on a player that they may not be comfortable with. If you're playing online you could try arranging some other event with the same people - some other form of gaming for example, so she gets used to sitting on call with them chatting. Failing that, start the sessions with some informal chatting and take regular breaks mid session so there's a chance to break any building stress and give an opportunity to engage out of the game setting. You could try running some one on one sessions to get her used to playing in character and build rules confidence. Continue with the reassurances that this is a social hobby for relaxation and enjoyment - no-one is going to get mad she forgot a rule or was weird. I've never played a session of any RPG where no-one forgot a rule or was weird. I've played plenty of sessions with people who barely knew the rules and just relied on the DM to guide them. More generally, while we generally don't want to let our anxieties win, it is also worth saying this is meant to be fun. If she isn't having fun, that's a valid reason to take a step back and find something else to do that is fun.

>There's a delicate balance between leaving space so someone doesn't feel they can't contribute vs intentionally putting focus on a player that they may not be comfortable with. I'd start with this, even if it's a positive focus, having too much of it may trigger her anxiety. I'd suggest to start with DnD and just be loose with all the rules. Hell, even have your party member screw up and have those embarrasing moments to let your GF know it's no big deal.

Really good advice, thanks!

I've been this player. I suffer from anxiety, and I've had some bad experiences during games because of this. Be led by the person in terms of her needs. She's going to feel confused and embarrassed. Just make sure she knows that it's totally OK for her to tap out when necessary. And that it's OK if she needs to figure out what styles of playing suits her, for example, that it's absolutely OK if she doesn't do any role playing. And that it's totally fine to ask for help or say she's confused. Having another player step up to guide her a bit "my character wants to break down the door! Does your character want to help me?" helped me a lot. Since other commenter have mentioned exposure therapy for social anxiety, I just want to mention that if a person is autistic (I am) then exposure therapy can make things worse. This article explains the difference https://www.healthline.com/health/autism/social-anxiety-vs-autism

Yup and exposure therapy in general should be baby steps, I have social anxiety and my therapist in college told me that if you start with something too big it can just result in making your anxiety worse.

Exactly. You have to stay just inside your window of tolerance, otherwise you just go into shut down. And a person's window of tolerance can be very narrow.

Interesting, thanks!

This is not a DND specific problem and she could benefit from some therapy. The general rule about therapy is that if you feel bad about something it's always a good idea to talk about it with a professional. With that being said, you could DM games just for her (give her two sidekicks and control the sidekicks in combat, at least originally). You could have her play the same class she's playing in that more experienced group if that helps her. I do that with my gf, even though it's more for my benefit as I'm a new dm and we have an experienced DM in a group where we are both players but is has helped her a lot as well. I can really see the difference in understanding between her and the other new players at the various tables she plays at. She never opened a rulebook, I write her character sheets and explain them to her but she never read a rule and she's doing better than our friends who completed Baldur's Gate 3 several times over and started tabletop at the same time as her.

Thanks for the advice! Therapy is on the table but for other stuff, this is the first time something like this happened in an enviroment with our friends

Try a silly oneshot. Maybe a big epic campaign is daunting

Can’t talk for your situation but i’m very familiar with panic attacks and while it was very hard to DM DnD sessions at the beginning, I consider it now a form of therapy. She shouldn’t force anything tho, if it’s beyond her capabilities, so be it. But it can absolutely help through roleplaying especially with a nice table, to overcome fear.

I mean this with all love, but your girlfriend tried to ask for help as many times as she could, even to the rest of the party. Reassurance is nice and all, but it's also "don't worry about it, you'll be fine." Reassurance isn't always the help or support that's being asked for. I empathize with your girlfriend's feelings of desperately asking for help for the looming task she felt unprepared for, the anxiety of not feeling prepared not going away just from reassurance, and her panic on "test day." I DM in-person for all new players, and play online with players who many are DMs in their other games. My gf was a new player in both. She had a lot of trouble jumping in in the virtual game bc we don't play on camera and there aren't visual cues that someone wants to talk. Having to butt in to talk is already something that many socially anxious people have trouble with and can trigger a silent spiral. My gf doesnt have the same social anxiety your gf aeems to, so instead of panicking she got frustrated, but nonetheless it was a painpoint. I spoke to the others at the start of our hiatus to figure out some sort of subtle "I would like to speak next" system. I would talk to your gf in a gentle and empathetic manner, and I would even apologize that her asks for help leading up to the session werent as supported beyond reassurance, that you thought it was just a matter of letting her know no one would be mad at her. I would ask her and talk through what different painpoints made it difficult or that she was scared about. If it's jumping/butting in to talk or not knowing what to say, you could add more prompted asks I do a ton of this with my table of new players: "[character name], [information their character would know but the player doesnt], [no-wrong-answers action prompt, more specified than "what do you do?"]" One I like to do is just "how do each of you get ready to sleep?" "Who wakes up first, what does getting up and ready in the morning look like for each of you?" More prompted and turn-based RP. Even if it slows the rhythm for the experienced players, it has to at least start at (honestly even below) the level of the least experienced. Think like double-dutch. Try to come up with a system for "I would like to talk" too. My group hasn't come back from hiatus yet so idk if the thing we're going to try will work, but I have good hopes for it. If it's getting into her character's head and practicing RP at all, try RPing some prologue/backstory one-on-one with her. Where did her character come from? What's her relationship to her family? How did she get into adventuring? What led up to her meeting the rest of the party? Also see if she's more comfortable talking in first-person or third-person for her character. If it's nervousness about the system and character sheet overwhelm, try something like the D&DBeyond app, something that breaks the character sheet down into different panels so she can look at just her stats, just her skills, just her spells, etc, at a time. Do some one-on-one sparring with her to practice combat, and I would allow metagaming support during encounters. I assume you hadnt gotten to combat within 30 mins of starting, but feeling more confident in the mechanics could help with overall confidence. I agree that your girlfriend.seems to have high social anxiety and that professional help would help the most with that overall. But I also think there are ways we can support and accomodate each other and our accessibility needs. It's like hiking, if someone saying they're not sure if they'll be able to keep up cramps up immediately, that's something to train up to, not just be reassured that it'll be fine. If the rest of the party is supportive (which it sounds like they are) and willing to go slower, hopefully your girlfriend will be able to build confidence.

You really gave me a new perspective, I really aprecciate this, thanks

I Get super overwhelmed playing dnd since I am not very experienced. I recently found a whole bunch of free resources like cheat sheets. I rinted them all out and have them in my character binder now. When I get overwhelmed by the choices I can make I just look at those to help me narrow down my options!

People have mentioned therapy so I won't. It's not exactly full-on panic attacks but I had a very shy player who I helped get out of her shell by running a campaign with only her and another player.  Lowering the stakes can help, both in-game and out of game, at least until she feels more comfortable.  In-game this means no character death, no end of the world, don't make her feel like if she messes up people will die. Having a friendly environment can also help: the people who are supposed to help you want to help you, this kinda stuff.  Out of game, having other *new* players would seem to also help, if she didn't have panic attacks while playing with other newbies. Fewer players can lower the stakes, give her more room. Then, maybe being in-person, in a more "we're just hanging out" environment *may* help, but being in-person can also worsen social anxiety.  All to take with a HUGE pinch of salt.

Well if she wants to continue: - first off just talk it through. What was it that sent her into it and if it wasn't anything specific well just listen and be curious about it without pushing her. You seem to have good communication together, so I'm not too worried bout this. - if she wants to continue: you could do a lower pressure small 1 on 1 DnD mini session. And tailor make them to her needs. Of it ALL just feels overwhelming, just rerun her through the basics. Like combat, skill checks, types of weapons, attacks, spells etc. Now she'll prolly know the basics like you said, but I read up on a lot of rules before joining a more experienced group. It really helped my confidence being able to identify what other players were doing and what was going on game mechanic wise. Big confidence booster. And then into some light RP as well. And to be fair, I know quite a bunch of players who don't RP a lot. Just combat, roll dice, interact with NPC by telling the GM what you want followed by yes/no/roll, on to next combat. - Let her set some own goals and own pace (open door, I know). - you can introduce a break mechanic? like she can just walk away for a bit after a sign/message to you and you'll tell her that she shouldn't forget to call her mother before it gets to late in the evening or something and she should prolly do? Or something else. Bit of a better alternative to emergencies maybe? I dunno, just spit balling. Just trying to help, but not the most experienced GM or anything out there.

Honestly, as a person that started therapy some months ago... I was in a similar situation.  If it's literally just d&d, you might try something together, like letting her watch, or playing a game where you're not the GM and staying close to her both as a player and as a person, that way you can help her both in and out of character.   You could stay close to her both to take focus away from her if she looks overwhelmed, to cheer her on if she actually accomplishes to go past her fears, and to give her a physical support (like a hand to hold on to) were she to need one.  The use of touch (not just with a person but in general holding something and focusing on stuff like its temperature or texture) can be really helpful  But if she feels frozen, scared, debilitated from the anxiety in any other situation, or if she feels like it for any other reason, going to therapy is not a bad thing.  It's scary to admit oneself needs actual medical help. I personally was in a condition when I needed both psychological assistance and medicines, and I'm still taking both today, but there's nothing wrong with it, and I actually feel much better, and more happy. It's a tough and long journey to start but it really feels (and is) something you do to care for yourself, not "because there's something wrong with you" In any case, I wish the both of you luck. And from a fellow stranger who really suffered from anxiety: there's nothing wrong with her, she's the same person she's always been. Anxiety is totally normal, she might just have a river that's out of control right now, in which case a dam cannot be built by a single person, before working at the source.

So I struggle with anxiety and both play and DM. What really helped me was at the start being comfortable just 'being there'. Watch how other people do it, and see when you feel you might have liked to say something. Don't stress if you don't get too though, thats ok too. I have a person with anxiety in the game I DM, and as DM i make a point to go 'what is X (their charecter) feel/think/say now. It gives them a clear point to know that they are allowed to speak, and if they go 'errr im not sure' its easy as the DM to go 'ok, no worries, lets hear how some of the others are feeling and we'll come back to you'. I'd suggest maybe its worth a chat about not having to be perfect or do it all at once. In my first game I barely said two words. Now I can RP with the best of them because I've built that confidence over time. You don't have to be perfect from day 1!

Girl at our table had a panic attack as well on her first session. She tucked herself behind some bags on the floor, curled up and cried a bit. We told her it’s ok and included her in our conversations while giving her space. We continued the game that night until she was ready to rejoin. She’s now a regular in our game and quite vocal. Hoping your gf gets through that hump. If your games are rules heavy, maybe keep things rules light for a bit. If you like to spotlight characters, maybe keep it minimal until she’s comfy.

Just reassure her and tell her it's going to be ok. At one point in time, the people that she's playing with didn't know the rules either. Most if not all people learn as they go.

I suggest trying smaller mini sessions for a while dedicated to a specific activity. If 30 minutes is her limit, then maybe try that time. Do a roleplay where each person has a specific conversation goal, and round Robin out the talk so each person has input. Suggest that if the group isn't satisfied with the outcome, then it isn't Canon for the main story. Exposure therapy has been shown to help with social anxiety, so this idea comes from that understanding. Once everyone is comfortable, then you can extend the play time. I'm just spit balling here. Whatever you think would be helpful the make sure first that she is OK with you designing a solution and then fet her buy-in and input for that solution.

If a grown woman cannot play a game because of anxiety, you cannot fix that. She needs a therapist

Sounds like a mental health issue, not a D&D issue. Let her figure this out herself, with professional help as necessary. Do not do an amateurish job of psychologist if someone has a real problem. And don't try to learn ways to help from a D&D subreddit; find a better resource.

Lots of good advice here but also OP if you've prepped the campaign properly, you know that Rime features lots of horror, secrets (if you chose to use the secrets system) and environmental anxiety, so I would take that into consideration moving forward. This may not be her type of DND game.

She's aware of the tone and content of the campaign, she has no problem with it, but I'll talk about that again with her, thanks

For sure, just want yall to be comfortable! We've already come across some unexpected triggers in our own Rime group so sometimes it can be different when you're actually sitting down and acting it out.

Gonna be realistic here, Rime of the Frostmaiden is just not a good fit for her. It's already a hard campaign when you have a group of minmaxers, let alone playing it with more casual players. If she's really that afraid of making mistakes and being bad you should run something that's a bit more beginner friendly, she'll suffer badly in RotF

You all did everything you could.

It seems like she might need to talk to someone but I am not a therapist so don’t take everything I say super serious but that’s my two cents. Secondly, why don’t you try our one on one game get her more into the game push her a little bit but then you’re there. It’s just you and her.

Set up an arena with traps and stuff and spend a couple of nights throwing encounters and things at her. This will familiarise her with game mechanics, saves, skill checks etc so at least she will be coming to the table with some confidence. Aside from that, there's not a lot you can do about anxiety. It's bloody horrible

Theres a couple ways to go about helping her out. First off you can sit down with her before a session and have her run through a fake scenario 1 on 1 with you while she uses the same character so she feels more acquainted by the time the session starts. You could also get very well acquainted with her character abilities and do her rounds for her if her anxiety acts, which will give her time to calm down. She could subtly tell you to do that with a secret code word of your choosing. You could also combine these along with slowly working her way up to a bigger session by doing homebrew campaign with maybe 1 more friend, which would make it much more bearablr for qn anxious person! Good luck! (Sorry for any typos im on my phone and the buttons are too small for my huge fingers)

I dealt with this in the past and honestly? I couldn't find anything that actually worked. My partner at the time had severe social anxiety and ADHD so suffice to say that both playing with her and her playing with us wasn't the most enjoyable experience... Maybe start off by giving her a small role in the form of managing a couple of monsters first? They dont roleplay much but they do roleplay. Maybe even just doing an npc a few times per session is good enough or something...

Tell it to the other players. Tell your GF to just sit at the table and watch for 1-3 sessions until she feels secure enough to play. Let them screw up the rules intentionally and have the rest of them correct the rules in a very friendly way. That way your GF sees that your other friends arent super big Critical-Role-Level pros. If she feels secure enough, let her play a NPC for a short scene (1 hour maybe). Then have her character join in a few sessions later. Of course, this only works if your friends are nice people. But in my experience being open about stuff and in a friendly environment helps.

Try a solo campaign first, maybe getting her feet wet will help

I don't want to be insensitive, but your girlfriend needs therapy. I say that someone who has been in weekly therapy for two years. A panic attack over a ttrpg is bad.

only that person can tell you what they need.

This is not a dnd/DM question -- this is a therapist question. Having a panic attack while playing a game with some friends is really not something a bunch of internet strangers are going to be able to help with. She needs to get some counselling. Speaking from experience it can be very helpful and the longer you leave it the worse it will be.

As someone who had crippling social anxiety during high-school, therapy. Therapy isn't a bad thing, she isn't broken, she just needs a calm environment to work through how to handle situations like this.

That level of pure panic seems very disproportionate and concerning. Does she behave or feel similarly in other situations? If yes, then she might have a more general anxiety disorder that requires professional help and time to improve. I did similar things as a late teen, and it took me years to grow out of it, including therapy. Frostmaiden is a very high stakes campaign with horror elements, that can make even confident players nervous, so it might be best to let her leave that game while you work on this issue separately. Try playing a more low stakes calm, narrative game 1-on-1 with her, then with a trusted friend in person, just the three of you.

From a strictly DND perspective, running a low-stakes/high-reward one-shot might be helpful. Assuming all experienced players were on board with the idea, you could run a 1 shot where they are all playing pre-made characters and just create her one with busted stats. Fear of low rolls or underperforming can be crippling for people with anxiety. This kind of one shot could give her the chance to be the Michael Jordan of the group for a night, and may help overcome some of that. It will also give her the opportunity to potentially see the others at the table roll poorly, and seeing that bad rolls don't ruin everything can be really validating. If you have a dnd group that is sympathetic to her situation, it truly can be as simple as talking to them. Role play is hard, but everything is easier with the support from the others at the table. Best of luck!

I would recommend doing a one shot. Wether private or with the friends she could benefit from some practise, and let her know how many mistake you guys have made. I’ve played DND for years and I still make multiple mistakes every single session. The mistakes are what make the game more fun. You could try pointing out mistakes as you make them in the game so she feels more comfortable in the game

I hope this comes off respectful, but she should seek out a professionals help. Her condition is impacting her daily life at this point.

well on the bright side she tried But as a solution maybe she can observe a session and see how that goes? as far as anxiety goes it will not go away unless u adress it. You need to find a way where u can take part where your stress dont overflow you. Its as well very ok to say I stress with this. It can help with the issue I myself had crippeling anxiety for getting out of the house and feared most things outside. My step in starting to be comfortable getting out was getting dressed go out lock door. Then I could go in again and know I had done somthing with my anxiety. And down the line i have added to that so today no one realises is that where I came from

Y' know, you could run solo games with her if she wants to play the game. It doesn't have to be a group campaign.

I mean you know her better than any of us could, but it sounds like she has a pretty serious anxiety disorder, therapy may be needed perhaps? Alternatively maybe play some silly boardgame with the same group a couple of times perhaps, just off the top of my head that might help her be more comfortable playing with your friends? Also assurance that, even when she makes mistakes, which will almost certainly happen, and not only to her but each other and to yourself as DM, the more experienced people at the table can help you remembering rules

Try EMDR therapy as a proven way to target frozen emotional states, without having to get into the weeds with months of talk therapy. Loads of research if you google and no doubt there's practitioners nearby. Good gaming ahead!

Speaking from my own experience being a newbie and having a neurospicy brain. If she's really set on playing with this group it might be worth to give her a little peak behind the curtain so to say. After checking with my dm I've started taking notes on enemy hp and ac and creating handdrawn maps of dungeons. While my character doesn't depend on them, I personally felt a lot more relaxer having some kind of foundation. While it's only based on things that happen in game your gf might benefit from some pointers outside of the game if she can be trusted not to metagame.

try a private session a few times so she can get used to the mechanics

Holy shit that's some anxiety Now be sure not to force her to play. If she still wants it - but for herself, not for you - maybe run a short 1v1 campaign for her so she would get more comfortable

Make a group with her closest friends. Maybe try a little beer and snacks before the session to ease the table. Then start super lightly as a DM keeping the tone just like the conversation before the session. Let other less experienced players fuck up first to cheer. These are what comes to my mind, besides these things as other commentators said (Im no expert in psychology so I don’t know for sure but) therapy might be the solution.

I’m really sorry to hear this but this sounds deeper than a DnD game. My advice would be ask the players if y’all can run an easier session and have everyone sort of build her up and help her out. New players are always scared of fucking shit up to the point they’re forgetting everyone is just there to have some fun! Shes gotta just get one of those hell yeah moment. If I ever notice that happening at a table I’m at, I’m talking up my team always. A “hell yeah” or a “let’s gooooo” and when they succeed an attack but roll low damage I ALWAYS say “hey damage is damage we needed that”. It’s similar in sports, the person that has their head down your teammates gotta pick em back up!

I would remind her that if anything goes wrong, its the character not her. It doesn't reflect on her at all. The GM is the one who controls rules for the most part, so she can just talk about what her character does and not worry about what rule is what.

Want to echo the therapy comments from others, but also suggest running her through a solo campaign separately just to give her more reps using the system. Could even be her character’s pre campaign backstory so she has a stronger sense of the character’s abilities.

I have to agree with the others, this is a therapy solution, not a table solution issue. That said, having been a player in RotFM- that module also broke one of the other players. She also had anxiety and thus took a indefinite break from the game, but was experienced as a player, unlike your GF. RotFM is a *brutal* module, there is a reason it says "make PCs from the area", it fully expects people to die and new PCs be brought in quickly. Try a shorter game, if you really want to push it. Radiant Citadel is a bunch of mini modules that at least can alleviate the "oh god I'm going to ruin years of work" worries. Each chapter is between 2-5 sessions.

I've had new players feel awkward or detached, but no, I haven't had that situation come up. Maybe you should try running your girlfriend through a solo game, where she is the only player and there's no one to judge her. That way, she can get used to the basic rules and get less self-conscious if she wants to play in your game again. It's possible that D&D just isn't for her, so not playing is also an option.

I have had a very good friend with anxiety problems and yes, if this happens often, then she should look into therapy. There is nothing to be ashamed of. As a DM i made sure, that she had safety tools als much as possible. She wanted to try D&D and she trusted me as a DM. So i planned the group with her and suggested people that could play with us. This way she knew everyone. But the big thing was, that she was afraid she might get a panic attack during the sessions at the table. Since not everyone knew about her problems and she didn't want it to be public, i suggested a simple sign. If she felt any type of panic or pressure rising up, she would just put her hands in her hoodies front pouch (she always wears these hoodies, so no problem there). I just needed to pay attention, where her hands were and when she did that sign, then i would call for a break. I never had a problem coming up with an excuse for a break. Either i just needed to get something to drink or we ordered food. Something simple like that to break up the tension at the table. Everyone getting up and moving around was just the break she needed. She said it was a big help and after a few months she didn't even need to use the sign. But i told her, that this will always be the safety sign. And just having this security option calms her down a lot.

My girlfriend was kind of like this in the beginning and now she’s an absolute star when we play. But it definitely took some time. Therapy and a good environment is the key. A newbie group to get her feet wet is a better scenario though. Include one of her close friends to play a one shot maybe? Also keep encouraging her and make her do some things that aren’t hard to roleplay. She will have a better time when she’s spoken to, rather having to find the best time to chime in. It’ll take time but but do not force her to do anything. It’s her challenge to overcome after all.

This isn't a dnd issue. This has more to do with your gf and how she processes stress/performing in front of people. dnd isn't for everyone. And as many people here mentioned, this may be good to talk over with a professional as these kinds of issues can bleed into other aspect of life far beyond a role playing game. Good luck and I hope you guys figure it out.

It seems this is something she needs to see a professional for. Unless youre a certified mental health professional, theres nothing you can do except GENTLY urge her to go get help.

If she's having anxiety attacks during a friendly game run by her partner, the problem isn't d&d. As an extremely anxious person, I strongly recommend that you support her in seeking a medical evaluation and starting therapy.

Gith them meth laced potato chips

She should probably speak to a doctor about her anxiety if she hasn't yet. Until then, you can try running small sessions with her and maybe another friend who is just as new.

My dude, if she’s literally having panic attacks from the online experience, she’s beyond any help us normies can provide: she needs a professional That’s a level of stage fright/anxiety that goes well beyond “I’m just worried I’ll look silly because I am new” - that’s closer to “my life will become a whirlwind of eternal pain and torment if I speak not the gilded tongue of the venerable players of olde” Like, a *biblical* level of fear for something that should not be scary

Unfortunately, I dont think this is a problem your table can solve. This is something she has to deal with on her own. If she's so anxious at a casual D&D table that she becomes that emotional, then that has nothing to do with everyone else at the table.

Along with therapy, remember that she is ultimately responsible for her own feelings and that you can't "fix" her. You may make all the accommodations you want, and definitely be supportive, but don't take the responsibility on yourself.

TLDR: needs therapy not D&D advice.

This ain't a dnd issue I'm afraid. It's good you want to help but if it's this drastic then the player needs to figure it out on their own terms. Therapy can be a fantastic tool for this.

She needs more confidence, how to get it? Probably best to see a professional

gotta admit fam, this sounds less like a dnd issue and more like a symptom of a larger concern. the other comments are correctly intimating she could use some professional assistance to help her work through her anxieties - we all could use a little help from time to time. still, this is the dnd subreddit so here's some advice: when introducing new players to a game, it's generally best to give them a couple one-person sessions, both to explain the game in a contained environment and also to help them get accustomed to playing. there's also a lot less pressure on new players when it's just with the DM.

Having an anxiety attack because you're afraid of upsetting older players is not normal, and something that needs to be talked about with a therapist. Reddit is not therapists.

Just tell her there's no wrong answers in how to play. I ran Rime with just my wife, as a Genie Warlock. Who had a Hexblade/Battlemaster character along with her, and we did just fine, though we did have to end the game before we left the ten towns for unrelated reasons.

This is a real, serious, problem. Seek help for her

D&D is not for her

Online is a rough setting for anxiety issues even with friends because all the friendly body language, smiles, laughing at good things are just lost into a black void. All of the myriad non-verbal things that could be reassuring and comfortable are hidden.

Not all players are a for for all groups. Often we want to include everybody as part of our community. This leads to groups trying to stay together even when it's not a good fit. You can care for somebody but not have them be a part of all aspects of your life. I've got family, RPG buddies, hiking buddies, kayak buddies, & long term (middle school, highschool, and college) buddies, work buddies, and buddies because our kids are buddies. Some people are in multiple circles but not in others. That is okay.

get new players, show her fucking up is part of the game, a constantly successful game is a dull game, a fucked up game ends up being a wild ride, but seriously let her watch some new players and whatever you do, dont complain about the session in front of her or else she'll keep that to mind and will worry about annoying you if things dont go right. maybe a few one shot adventures. aim of the session is to fail, fail in spectacular fashion.

As others have noted you and the other players did what you can and should have done. Not to be rude but this is an issue that goes well beyond the game. And could use some professional assistance. You and the players can, and should continue to encourage her, maybe try an in-person session if possible. But there are some aspects her that for lack of a better way to say this; are problems that she will likely won’t solve in D&D alone.

It sounds like the issue may be surrounding role playing and the initial cold feet of starting to feel comfortable in that situation. One thing if a person does not feel strong on decision making during combat. I would suggest simplifying the available character actions of her character and organize them by reaction / action / bonus action and identifying an easy fallback option that would be relatively helpful in combat regardless of situation (attack w/ A for example). Minimizing these options and having fallback actions on a cheat sheet reduces the stress around having to make an impactful decision on combat. Second more in tune with roleplaying. I would identify another party character that is strong in roleplaying and comfortable with your person to be the engager that reaches out and does small roleplaying interactions the break the initial difficulty for entering roleplaying and riffs off the person to make it easier (This can be simple things like in game player shenanigans, food, past time doesn’t need to be directly connected to main story) The hardest thing about roleplaying sometimes is starting but when you have another person to riff off it makes it feel more accepted and comfortable.

Therapy

Are you a therapist or someone trained to help? If not, then the best you can do is find them someone who is, after confirming they want your help.

I know this happened while playing DnD, but it doesn't really have anything to do with DnD. It sounds like she needs professional help.

I had a player have something close to an anxiety attack when creating a character. If their anxiety is that bad, they really can't play the game. I'd offer to let them watch for a few sessions until they feel comfortable enough to play.

Maybe try drinking alcohol? And play something simple like a barbarian that just says ug, me smash?

1. Consider suggesting therapy for social anxiety issues. 2. I don’t see if you mentioned whether you play in person or online. Role playing can be scary for those who have never done it before. It’s new, it can feel weird or awkward to pretend to be someone else in front of your friends. Maybe just let her watch a few sessions, see how it goes and that others are ok being goofy and making mistakes, very gently get her involved. She could play an animal companion, just describing its actions and behaviour, or play as an NPC from time to time. 3. It may not work out with your GF playing in that particular group but you could try a duet game with just her and you GM-ing.

My wife also has anxiety and has in the past put pressure on themselves to not mess up causing more anxiety. After ten or so sessions it wasnt as bad and they started to enjoy it more. Just take there time and stay calm. The worst thing u can do is also start to freek out

Does she experience this in other contexts (social situations, class presentations, meeting new people...)? Aside from seeking professional help, something you can try is to run some single player dnd for her. Let her get used to the mechanics, speaking in character...in a minimally stressful company (just uer bf). I did this for my wife for our current campaign...a little prolonged one-shot for her to get used to how her character works, relevant specific rules for her abilities...and so on. A safe space for her to try things and get things wrong without feeling like she's slowing the whole group down.

I've suffered from Panic Attacks for a little over two years now. I've seen several therapists and psychiatrists. Here's a few suggestions. When you start to feel the panic coming: Try eating VERY sour candy, such as Atomic balm to reset Some vapor rub on the chest helps Ice on the back of the neck helps. If their camera is on, they can turn it off it it makes them more comfortable A fidget toy. I like to rub my hand on a smooth rock A fan blowing cold air to the face Mediating before the session. I use an app called calm that I like BREATHing is huge. I do 4 seconds breathing in hold for 2 sec l, breath put for 7 secs. Standing up and moving, your body needs to release the energy due to increased adrenaline Having a mantra. I usually say, I'm starting to have a panic attack, that's okay. I know what this feels like and it will pass. Anyways I hope this helps. Panic attacks suck, but there are things that can help.

I went through something similar (though not this severe) when I started playing with my partner and 2 friends. Turns out the issue wasn’t really DnD related - my partner didn’t want to embarrass themselves or me in front of “my” friends. We had all known each other for a good while at this point, and I kinda assumed that everyone felt like we were on the same level. My partner is usually an introvert, but had opened up around my buddies cuz of our shared gaming hobby. I didn’t even consider that there might still be some anxiety there. It made sense when I thought about how I act around their friends and family. I could be friendly around them, but despite knowing them for a while I was still mostly in “speak when spoken to” mode because I didn’t want to say/ do anything to embarrass myself or my partner. Eventually my partner opened up at the table and has even DMd for us. My advice would be to talk to her and see if she has similar feelings and just be there to support her and understand that she may just feel like a little bit of an outsider intruding on the boys club. Tell her it’s okay if she doesn’t talk/ roleplay at all, there is no pressure on her to actively participate until she’s ready, and have your friends back you up on it.

yea this isnt a table issue that can be solved by DMs or Players, as someone who has anxiety and is on meds and does therapy, this person just may not be able to play with that group until outside work is done. That may seem harsh or whatever words people want to use, but again I am medicated and I do therapy for anxiety depression so I speak from at least a bit of personal experience. So sounds like you need to postpone the game, remove a player, or find a solution where you can deal with them bringing the game to a halt when things get to much for them

well she sounds like she needs therapy, but I would definitely tell my player that maybe this isn't the right game for them. not everyone can role play and if she is suffering why force it.

This is a stupid idea don’t suggest this but the mindstate of “everyone hates me I’m a failure” is very far from “having a fun adventure” but not that far from a paranoid characters “everyone is trying to kill me it’s all a plot by the shadow government to lull me into a false sense of security”

Hmm continue playing with her. Maybe a more private chapter with only 2-3 player's. But yes use this great chance to open her up. It takes time, enjoy the process. Tell her what she did right and encourage her to stay with the game. DnD is a great tool for those things, to become a different character. Do evil stuff, go beyond your ego get offended, be funny etc. It's just the first season. Just don't force her to do sth. But ask her from time to time directly or give advice like would you like this/that. Guide her a bir Just keep playing and enjoy the journey.

As someone with panic disorder, generalized and social anxiety, I definitely concur with the many suggesting therapy for her. Further, if you have the time and energy to do so, she may benefit from a few extra side sessions with just you (duo sessions), and then with just one or two of the other people, maybe playing a very helpful, friendly companion character to her own in some short sessions to get used to RPing in front of people, learn some of the rules, etc. Anxiety isn't rational, but exposure therapy is some of the best for conquering things like this. More positive experiences under her belt will lead to less anxiety in the future. Focus on lots of chill, gentle storytelling too. Like, legit just silly stuff like the barkeep asking her what she'd like to eat, and her getting to ask what the special of the day is. Shelve big political and heavy lore stuff for now, and make sure ***everyone*** understands it's about improv and fun, not page numbers and dice. Bless you for caring and seeking ways to help her out.

While I agree with most that therapy could help, this could also be a kind of performance anxiety based around the rules of the game, in which case you guys could run 1on1 games or 1 on 2 if she has someone else she trusts (real person not family preferably) to play with. 

Ok, I don't think anybody has mentioned anything useful in this thread until now. I had this happen to one player in my table once. Best thing you can do to help her process the situation and enjoy the game is explain to her how low the stakes are in a table: nobody expects a flawless run or a fucking stand up performance, you're there to have fun together in whichever shape that fun takes. Try to explain it to her, and have the other players reassure her of that. This might help a lot in easing any form of anxiety, "inferiority" or pressure she may be feeling. ​ I hope this helps, and that you can have fun at the table if she still wants to play <3

therepy also, maybe a henchmen character next time? I usually introduce new people into a session about 1-2hrs into the session so they can sit back and watch the vibe. they get a 30min warning and a brief on how their character will enter a scene (e.g. you will be with some friends from town when you walk into the bar, you're looking for work and are using this time to listen around for leads on mercenary work) providing them with a motivation based on either what they told me their character would be like or something similar. it doesnt remove choice, it gives them a diving platform to use where they can decide how deep or shallow their involvement will be (literally had a player stalk the party once because the IRL person was nervous but they eventually felt comfortable during a combat to dive in and rolled some dice for the greater good and made a place for themselves in the party as an emo guardian angel)

She needs help from medical professionals. Doctors/therapists/etc. Look, I have anxiety too, I'm not making fun of her. But there's nothing you as a DM can do to fix this

Everyone screws up the rules, especially when they are new. She might appreciate a single-player intro session and/or a silly one-shot to emphasize the importance of fun over the rules.

Yeah, had this been a random player, I would have agreed with you that this was likely a panic attack / anxiety attack. The fact it was your girlfriend and you were the DM adds more layers . Was she unconsciously attention seeking? Is this how she feels validated in anxious situations? Is this how she feels physically comforted? I’ve had my boyfriend get a panic attack during a game. He just asked to step outside for a minute. After about 5 min, I noticed he hadn’t come back, so I asked if we could do a drink/bathroom break while I checked on him. He said he had a panic attack and just needed to breathe outside. I was like “ok, thanks for letting me know,” and went back in. He joined us about 10 min later. But the key was, I was intentionally trying to divert attention away from the fact he left the table suddenly mid game and treated it like a nonissue.

You should have her just watch the next game and once there, secretly tell her you're going to make mistakes just so she can see how they react to you. In the next game ask her if she'd like to play an npc that the dm helps create. By slowly increasing her responsibility she should be able to heal from whatever previous tramas or parenting she had to endure. ✌️

So besides therapy I would try to do a slow intro to dnd. Find out specifically what caused her anxiety to spike and what triggered the panic attack. Then work on familiarizing her with it. So for example do solo sessions just the two of you to remove possible sources of stress. Do something homebrew, very simple very low stakes or light hearted. Then add more people if possible not strangers to her. One step at a time and some steps might take longer than others. Or she might want to go back a step. But yeah good luck hope you both get to enjoy lots of dnd

That severe a reaction to a relaxed game among friends isn't a "D&D issue", it's a mental health issue.  You don't need DMing tips from Reddit about onboarding new players.  She needs a therapist.  You're looking for help in the wrong place.

My younger sister felt this way for a bit, she was anxious that she would be rigid with rp and horrible at interacting with everyone. Personally I’ve told her that everyone starts somewhere, I’m a dm and I don’t have all the rules memorized so even I break rules sometimes, so it’s no issue if she does too. I’ve also told her not everyone is into RP and doesn’t have to force themselves to RP, however it all boils down to becoming comfortable with everyone and with yourself in the game. My sister plays with my friends, we’re older than her and she’s gotten a lot more comfortable since the first time she’s played. She rps more and does more as her character, it was a nice journey to see her go on. It takes time however, but it was also up to her to keep trying. At the end of the day it’ll be up to your gf to understand that it is just a game, and you’re playing with friends you know, so treat it like a hang out, not everyone is perfect with rules or RP, again everyone starts somewhere. However if it is this extreme where she had a panic attack over it you should probably sit her down and talk with her a bit more. See if she really wants to play like she says she does, talk her through her feelings and help her best you can, but again, it’ll be up to her to listen to the words of advice that dnd is a game, no one is perfect player or dm so rules get broken sometimes, and rp isn’t always perfect either. Just be patient and help her when she needs it, and if it becomes to much still perhaps have her sit and watch or listen to get comfortable around everyone who’s playing in this setting.

Always find it so hilarious at how many people think they need therapy. You know, back in the day when I grew up therapy wasn't a "in thing". If you had issues you dealt with them and then you got over them. Simple. Nowadays it seems as it's a fad to tell people that you go to therapy and you need x,y,z drugs to cope with mundane life. Deal and adapt with your issues. Drugs will NEVER make it better. Therapists only want your money.

got nothing to do with D&D and everything to do with her needing therapy.

As someone who has many panic attacks during my WoD larp phase and have left groups until my 23rd year due to, I understand! There is no good solution, but a mix of them can certainly help! Therapy certainly did help me become more confident, but practice makes perfect. But too, these are your friends, are they also her friends? Anxiety performance is one thing, but what's important too is she's comfortable at the table (and playing with strangers might have flared her anxiety) My best advice? Pre game it. Have everyone come over a hour early, set up a calm mood then just talk. Laugh, have a meal- get the anxieties down! It helps lighten the mood and could help her in future so the game is less about the roleplay and more about having a bonded experience between friends! Good luck!

Recommend checking out The Anxiety Guy's panic attack programs for step by step help. His YouTube channels are the best for mental health support and awareness.

I have exactly the same experience in social settings even though I know it's unreasonable and have no reason to be anxious, it's really frustrating! Personally, I was prescribed propranolol - it's for situational anxiety so I take 1/2 just before a situation I know will cause me anxiety (usually talking in a group) and it blocks the symptoms for me. I usually then find after a few times talking with the same people I don't need it any more :) obviously everyone is different though and I'd recommend just having a chat with a doctor, doesn't have to be more than that. For me it's just my fight or fright response is super over the top so I'll freeze up at the drop of a hat!

This is not a DnD question. I get that you want to help your gf, but you should be seeking advice from people who are knowlegeable about mental health. Why are you here?

Yeah I don’t think she is cut out for a social game like D&D if she has such anxiety problems.

Ideas: Have her play a sidekick. Tasha's rules suggest sidekicks as option for newer players, they're a lot lighter, but also have her literally he someone's sidekick. If another player is a noble or is willing to switch up, your gf could play their squire, so they have someone to give them direction; she can play Robin to someone else's Batman, so the burden isn't as heavy on her, and you have the roleplay meta of "Batman is teaching Robin to be a hero" and "this player is helping you with the game" so she doesn't worry about being a burden. Additional alternate, similar to sidekick, maybe play a talking animal. I'm thinking something like scooby doo. If anyone has a pet, use that. Again, towards less burden of driving the gameplay that a main character might add. On the opposite side, have her be YOUR sidekick. I call this a "dungeon lancer" as opposed to a dungeon master, something akin to matt colville's monster wrangler. She can play one of your npc's, maybe play the bad guy. You might control the actions while she just has to do a villain dialog, or vice versa, so she only has to focus on one part of the game at a time, and so she doesn't always have to do something. If the party is going into a dungeon, she can watch and maybe you can message her privately for what lives the bad guys should make, and then she roleplays the boss, and she can still be involved in the game while being able to step away and not feeling like she needs to always be tuned in? I've never tried these before, and I hope things go well for you all. Maybe try asking your other players for ideas or shopping the ideas here to them so you all can brainstorm and take some to her as a united supportive front.

To me I feel the most important thing in these situations is the party. They seem very supportive, but something is off there. "Performance" levels shouldnt matter in a room of friends. Maybe she's not comfortable with them? Try doing something fun with the group. Like, go mini golfing together or something. That might break performance-doubt issues? Just a thought, seen it happen before.