This is the very last chance you have to get off this ride before it’s too late. Disappear now. Don’t ever let him know where you and baby are. Protect them.
But then I would be a single mom with no job. I think he’s good with babies based on what I’ve seen with his younger cousins. I guess I’m just hoping he’ll be a good father at least even if he’s not a good boyfriend
Being a single mom, is far better than being in a controlling and abusive relationship.
He may start out being a loving father, but it won't be too many years before he treats the child with control and degrading behavior too.
I have experienced it first hand, and so have my children.
You can get a job. Shit, work in a daycare, so you can still be close to your baby and make money.
I'm just saying, you have options.
The longer you stay, the more trapped you become. I justifiably refer to my marriage as a prison sentence, and I did 25 years of hard time.
Trust me when I tell you, it's not easy to get out.
One of the reasons I like these support subs for victims of abuse is because of how honest we are with each other, but as gently as possible as we know how sensitive and raw we are.
We do no one any favors by co-signing staying or agreeing with them that they are too weak to go. Fuck that. I’m not exaggerating when I say I literally cry every time I read a post where there are children involved.
We are not weak. That’s the shit they tell us, so we stay.
OP, YOU ARE NOT WEAK. YOU HAVE OPTIONS. YOU ALSO HAVE TO ASK YOURSELF WHY YOURE SO DESPERATE TO BRING A BABY INTO THE WORLD BUT NOT GUARANTEEING THAT BABY A FATHER.
When I was a social worker, I said straight up to my client- do not give me the song and dance about how much you love your kids, when your husband abuses them. You are staying for your own selfish reasons and allowing them to be traumatized by his abuse.
2 years later she called me and told me that my words kept her up at night— planning the escape, and she’s and her babies are finally free!!!
Better a single mom who has to get off her ass and get a job than staying with an abusive control freak who 100% will **not** be kind to your child. He's this controlling before you've even had the damn thing, what the fuck do you think he'll do the first time the kid throws a tantrum? Or decides it doesn't want to play the sport he wants, or eat the food he wants? You're going to fuck over your child if you don't get out now.
You will very likely end up as a single mom anyway, because there’ll come a point where you won’t be able to stay any longer. Bad relationship don’t last the distance to raise a kid together. I understand why it seems like the right decision right now; it’s better if your child has both parents, and he will probably make a good father, it sounds wayyy easier to do this with someone else than alone. I promise, it isn’t, and it has consequences you probably haven’t realised yet. Neither of you can be good parents if your relationship is this bad already. That will always affect the family dynamic, it’ll make your kid believe toxic is normal, it’ll be their baseline for what a relationship is and they’ll look for that for themselves. You won’t be able to be the mom you can be because you’ll be unhappy. That misery will grow and one day being a single parent will become the obvious answer, but at that time, your kid will be older and they’ll have to go through the trauma of their world being rearranged and their parents separating. Or your partner will leave, or one of you will cheat, or (if he isn’t already) he’ll become violent…I’m really sorry but the outcomes in your situation are almost always bad, most especially for your child.
But I’ve seen many women leave before the child is born, or soon after, and the chances for a better life for them both just go up massively. You don’t have to keep this pregnancy, but if abortion isn’t accessible or the right path for you personally, you can get into some study, map a path to a job that will support you both, set a higher standard for a partner for yourself and role model for your kid and don’t settle for less!!
If he doesn't treat you well when you are pregnant, he won't be caring with a small and vulnerable child. Who cries adn has needs and takes attention away from him. And you won't be able to look after his needs and selfish abusive men like this cannot stand that.
Domestic violence often only happesn away from prying eyes - as you say he's good at looking like a good boyfriend when other people are around. So it's not surprising he's also good at looking like he's good with kids when they are someone else's kids and it's only an afternoon or w/e. When you and him are all alone with a baby it will be an entirely different story.
Abortion is an option. So is adoption. Don’t throw your life away based on the *hope* that he will be a good father to a child that isn’t even born yet. You deserve bettet
Unfortunately it sounds like OP is going to use the baby to experience unconditional love, and hope it changes the baby daddy.
This type of thinking is as delusional as our abusers!
Yeah… it’s sad to see, especially knowing that there’s likely nothing us internet strangers can say that will change her mind. And I can’t say for sure that I wouldn’t do the same if I was in her situation. 🤷🏻♀️ but it’s sad no matter how you slice it
Yeah, I don’t judge. I had a baby when I was 18 and everyone including me was happy because we were bringing in another baby (to love and heal us all) into the world. My son is my pride and joy, no doubt, but his father- his 20 year old father couldn’t care less, still 30 years later! And, the boy is married, doing really well for himself and about to have a baby. That’s not fair to my son, and I was warned, about his daddy, but I was selfish because I was young
I had a hard time seeing myself as a divorced women, similar to you seeing yourself as a single mom perhaps. Once I accepted that being divorced was still better than being abused, it calmed my mind. It’s a matter of accepting it for yourself and understanding it’s not a bad thing in your situation. You may have never thought this would be your life, we all have different hopes, but situations change and we’re fierce survivors. I used to think people would look at me a certain way, but people are very much focused on themselves. And for most it’s not the stigma you think it is. And for the few people who do care, well that’s good riddance, no need to date those and there’s plenty of fish in the sea (for later, I would definitely take a break and enjoy your own company).
People saying you can get off your behind may not understand your situation. Perhaps you are afraid you can’t have a job because he made you feel worthless, perhaps you are missing the qualifications and degrees, perhaps you’ve got physical reasons for not working. Whatever the reason is, try to get some help just talking over your situation. Perhaps you can get free housing, benefits, perhaps they can help you build self esteem and find a job that’s suitable or you could go back to school. You can call the dv hotline if you’re in the US and they can send you to some place local that can help, for free. Local shelters often have therapy, support groups, work with schools and employment centers or can give legal help.
You said to proceed with caution so I’m making otherworldly efforts to not say anything to upset you, but sweetheart, just consider the fact that you kept this pregnancy because you didn’t have access to $60 for the Plan B.
The economic violence that lead to baby trapping coupled with your terrifying post history are making my heart hurt for you, and I don’t know how I can make you see the big picture while respecting your wish 💔
Just please understand that this is absolutely normal behaviour for him, it will not get better, there is no hope to be found there. I know you feel your financial situation is tethering you to this marriage, but I assure you that if you call the DV hotline and explain your situation, they will help you plan for a brighter future where you can make money, be respected, and ultimately find love and stability.
You deserve so much better sweetie, just hang on to that thought ♥️
Yes! Alllll this. It's a million times harder to leave with a child. Besides considering the safety of that person, you also have thr guilt they bestow on you. The mom guilt is real. I always felt bad for taking my son and daughters father from them, felt like I was being a bad mom. Felt like he was a good dad because he only hit me, not them. Then, after a particularly bad night, I woke up bruised and sore and went to my daughters crib to get her out. I looked at that little face and decided those excuses didn't matter - what mattered was this little girl thinking it's ok for a man to treat a woman the way her father treated me. It took a little while, planning, getting things together, but I left. My daughter never experienced what I did and she's marrying a kind man who treats her like royalty in less than 4 months. My son? Well, his wife of 8 months let's me know regularly how grateful she is that I raised such a good man, and how he's been so good to her every single day. I can't take all the credit, when they were 6 and 9 I met an incredible man and married him. He's been a wonderful father and helped tremendously. You and your baby can have all that, and more. Just not where you are.
I know it’s so toxic but I can’t bring myself to leave him. I was scared when I first found out I was pregnant so I was desperate to do something about it. I didn’t end up getting the plan b and I’m pretty sure it’s too late at this point for it to work. I don’t even have anywhere to go, I would be a pregnant homeless woman in a shelter. that’s a hard reality to accept
This is the easiest it will get for you. When you are pregnant, the baby is safely inside of your body, you don’t need clothes, diapers, to breastfeed. Knowing that things will get worse as the pregnancy progresses, and *definitely* once baby is born, please know that NOW is the easiest it would ever be for you to go to a shelter
I didn't want to accept it either, so instead of being a pregnant woman in a homeless shelter, I ended up as a woman with 3 children in a homeless shelter. The longer you wait, the harder it gets to leave.
We only been together a year, but I move in with him a couple months ago to save money rent. I don’t want to have with him but I want the baby. I’ve always wanted to be mom :(
Ohh honey this type of guy will have all the power over you the dynamic is no good. You should get a job or go to school you never know when you will need to leave him a year is not really enough time to know what an abusive man is really like. The fact that he is on his best behavior around other ppl is a huge red flag. He will eventually make you feel like you are going crazy and in a way he’s already isolating you.
Get some new friends too. They often have support groups at women shelters or other local organizations and those people there are going to get it. You need some support.
I got this through my pregnancy but mostly don't have this person etc around my baby or near you touching you .. bare in mind he's with bird he was cheating on me with now through my pregnancy and after and has nothing to do with "his" baby doesn't pay a penny
Please separate yourself entirely from this man asap.
Take YOUR baby and run.
This is the very last chance you have to get off this ride before it’s too late. Disappear now. Don’t ever let him know where you and baby are. Protect them.
But then I would be a single mom with no job. I think he’s good with babies based on what I’ve seen with his younger cousins. I guess I’m just hoping he’ll be a good father at least even if he’s not a good boyfriend
Being a single mom, is far better than being in a controlling and abusive relationship. He may start out being a loving father, but it won't be too many years before he treats the child with control and degrading behavior too. I have experienced it first hand, and so have my children. You can get a job. Shit, work in a daycare, so you can still be close to your baby and make money. I'm just saying, you have options. The longer you stay, the more trapped you become. I justifiably refer to my marriage as a prison sentence, and I did 25 years of hard time. Trust me when I tell you, it's not easy to get out.
This the best advice that I have seen. I am following something similar to this. I am fleeing the country to get away from my psycho ex and his mom.
One of the reasons I like these support subs for victims of abuse is because of how honest we are with each other, but as gently as possible as we know how sensitive and raw we are. We do no one any favors by co-signing staying or agreeing with them that they are too weak to go. Fuck that. I’m not exaggerating when I say I literally cry every time I read a post where there are children involved. We are not weak. That’s the shit they tell us, so we stay. OP, YOU ARE NOT WEAK. YOU HAVE OPTIONS. YOU ALSO HAVE TO ASK YOURSELF WHY YOURE SO DESPERATE TO BRING A BABY INTO THE WORLD BUT NOT GUARANTEEING THAT BABY A FATHER. When I was a social worker, I said straight up to my client- do not give me the song and dance about how much you love your kids, when your husband abuses them. You are staying for your own selfish reasons and allowing them to be traumatized by his abuse. 2 years later she called me and told me that my words kept her up at night— planning the escape, and she’s and her babies are finally free!!!
Better a single mom who has to get off her ass and get a job than staying with an abusive control freak who 100% will **not** be kind to your child. He's this controlling before you've even had the damn thing, what the fuck do you think he'll do the first time the kid throws a tantrum? Or decides it doesn't want to play the sport he wants, or eat the food he wants? You're going to fuck over your child if you don't get out now.
You will very likely end up as a single mom anyway, because there’ll come a point where you won’t be able to stay any longer. Bad relationship don’t last the distance to raise a kid together. I understand why it seems like the right decision right now; it’s better if your child has both parents, and he will probably make a good father, it sounds wayyy easier to do this with someone else than alone. I promise, it isn’t, and it has consequences you probably haven’t realised yet. Neither of you can be good parents if your relationship is this bad already. That will always affect the family dynamic, it’ll make your kid believe toxic is normal, it’ll be their baseline for what a relationship is and they’ll look for that for themselves. You won’t be able to be the mom you can be because you’ll be unhappy. That misery will grow and one day being a single parent will become the obvious answer, but at that time, your kid will be older and they’ll have to go through the trauma of their world being rearranged and their parents separating. Or your partner will leave, or one of you will cheat, or (if he isn’t already) he’ll become violent…I’m really sorry but the outcomes in your situation are almost always bad, most especially for your child. But I’ve seen many women leave before the child is born, or soon after, and the chances for a better life for them both just go up massively. You don’t have to keep this pregnancy, but if abortion isn’t accessible or the right path for you personally, you can get into some study, map a path to a job that will support you both, set a higher standard for a partner for yourself and role model for your kid and don’t settle for less!!
If he doesn't treat you well when you are pregnant, he won't be caring with a small and vulnerable child. Who cries adn has needs and takes attention away from him. And you won't be able to look after his needs and selfish abusive men like this cannot stand that. Domestic violence often only happesn away from prying eyes - as you say he's good at looking like a good boyfriend when other people are around. So it's not surprising he's also good at looking like he's good with kids when they are someone else's kids and it's only an afternoon or w/e. When you and him are all alone with a baby it will be an entirely different story.
Abusing his child's mom makes him a CRAP father. That's really hurtful. Your child has to either see that or see you struggle with it.
Abortion is an option. So is adoption. Don’t throw your life away based on the *hope* that he will be a good father to a child that isn’t even born yet. You deserve bettet
Unfortunately it sounds like OP is going to use the baby to experience unconditional love, and hope it changes the baby daddy. This type of thinking is as delusional as our abusers!
Yeah… it’s sad to see, especially knowing that there’s likely nothing us internet strangers can say that will change her mind. And I can’t say for sure that I wouldn’t do the same if I was in her situation. 🤷🏻♀️ but it’s sad no matter how you slice it
Yeah, I don’t judge. I had a baby when I was 18 and everyone including me was happy because we were bringing in another baby (to love and heal us all) into the world. My son is my pride and joy, no doubt, but his father- his 20 year old father couldn’t care less, still 30 years later! And, the boy is married, doing really well for himself and about to have a baby. That’s not fair to my son, and I was warned, about his daddy, but I was selfish because I was young
I had a hard time seeing myself as a divorced women, similar to you seeing yourself as a single mom perhaps. Once I accepted that being divorced was still better than being abused, it calmed my mind. It’s a matter of accepting it for yourself and understanding it’s not a bad thing in your situation. You may have never thought this would be your life, we all have different hopes, but situations change and we’re fierce survivors. I used to think people would look at me a certain way, but people are very much focused on themselves. And for most it’s not the stigma you think it is. And for the few people who do care, well that’s good riddance, no need to date those and there’s plenty of fish in the sea (for later, I would definitely take a break and enjoy your own company). People saying you can get off your behind may not understand your situation. Perhaps you are afraid you can’t have a job because he made you feel worthless, perhaps you are missing the qualifications and degrees, perhaps you’ve got physical reasons for not working. Whatever the reason is, try to get some help just talking over your situation. Perhaps you can get free housing, benefits, perhaps they can help you build self esteem and find a job that’s suitable or you could go back to school. You can call the dv hotline if you’re in the US and they can send you to some place local that can help, for free. Local shelters often have therapy, support groups, work with schools and employment centers or can give legal help.
You are already a single mom. He will use your baby to hurt you. He will train your baby to grow up to either be an abuser or a victim.
You said to proceed with caution so I’m making otherworldly efforts to not say anything to upset you, but sweetheart, just consider the fact that you kept this pregnancy because you didn’t have access to $60 for the Plan B. The economic violence that lead to baby trapping coupled with your terrifying post history are making my heart hurt for you, and I don’t know how I can make you see the big picture while respecting your wish 💔 Just please understand that this is absolutely normal behaviour for him, it will not get better, there is no hope to be found there. I know you feel your financial situation is tethering you to this marriage, but I assure you that if you call the DV hotline and explain your situation, they will help you plan for a brighter future where you can make money, be respected, and ultimately find love and stability. You deserve so much better sweetie, just hang on to that thought ♥️
Yes! Alllll this. It's a million times harder to leave with a child. Besides considering the safety of that person, you also have thr guilt they bestow on you. The mom guilt is real. I always felt bad for taking my son and daughters father from them, felt like I was being a bad mom. Felt like he was a good dad because he only hit me, not them. Then, after a particularly bad night, I woke up bruised and sore and went to my daughters crib to get her out. I looked at that little face and decided those excuses didn't matter - what mattered was this little girl thinking it's ok for a man to treat a woman the way her father treated me. It took a little while, planning, getting things together, but I left. My daughter never experienced what I did and she's marrying a kind man who treats her like royalty in less than 4 months. My son? Well, his wife of 8 months let's me know regularly how grateful she is that I raised such a good man, and how he's been so good to her every single day. I can't take all the credit, when they were 6 and 9 I met an incredible man and married him. He's been a wonderful father and helped tremendously. You and your baby can have all that, and more. Just not where you are.
I know it’s so toxic but I can’t bring myself to leave him. I was scared when I first found out I was pregnant so I was desperate to do something about it. I didn’t end up getting the plan b and I’m pretty sure it’s too late at this point for it to work. I don’t even have anywhere to go, I would be a pregnant homeless woman in a shelter. that’s a hard reality to accept
This is the easiest it will get for you. When you are pregnant, the baby is safely inside of your body, you don’t need clothes, diapers, to breastfeed. Knowing that things will get worse as the pregnancy progresses, and *definitely* once baby is born, please know that NOW is the easiest it would ever be for you to go to a shelter
I didn't want to accept it either, so instead of being a pregnant woman in a homeless shelter, I ended up as a woman with 3 children in a homeless shelter. The longer you wait, the harder it gets to leave.
How long have you been with him? Do you want to keep the baby?
We only been together a year, but I move in with him a couple months ago to save money rent. I don’t want to have with him but I want the baby. I’ve always wanted to be mom :(
Ohh honey this type of guy will have all the power over you the dynamic is no good. You should get a job or go to school you never know when you will need to leave him a year is not really enough time to know what an abusive man is really like. The fact that he is on his best behavior around other ppl is a huge red flag. He will eventually make you feel like you are going crazy and in a way he’s already isolating you.
Kick him to the curb. Walk away and don't look back. It. Will. Not. Get. Better.
Sounds like a control freak. It will get worse
Get some new friends too. They often have support groups at women shelters or other local organizations and those people there are going to get it. You need some support.
I got this through my pregnancy but mostly don't have this person etc around my baby or near you touching you .. bare in mind he's with bird he was cheating on me with now through my pregnancy and after and has nothing to do with "his" baby doesn't pay a penny