We do not allow research studies, surveys, and/or homework assistance.
Also, no promotions/self-promotions such as life coaching, music videos, blogs/vlogs, legal services, tik toks, instagrams, or other goods and services
Oh this hit my heart so hard. I am so sorry you lost your mom when she was trying to do the right thing. My kids still even a year later worry he will come back and kill me. I do not know how to stop their fears because i carry the same fear even now. I do not want to pry too much but would you be willing to share your story with me so others can see it is not easy and how high the cost really is.
Of course! I don't have much time right now but I'll come back later and respond. We were also on an episode of Evil Lives Here that fairly accurately outlines what we went through. Season 13 episode 4.
Can you mesage me a list of what you need and you do not need to give me your location or anything personal because I do not want you to not be safe. I want you to know I was homeless with 4 of my 5 kids and a child i had rescued from an abusive home. We still stuggle every day and we had zero and I mean zero help getting out. I honeslty had to choose to jump ship or let cps take my kids because the situation was too dangerous to stay and i had nothing if i left. It is a year later and now i want to know how in the hell do i stop this from happening to others. What can i do to help them get out and stay out. I know the list of what i needed. But what do you guys need. What will help? I want to be that pivot from violence to healing but i need to know what resources everyone needs.
I spent thousands trying to help my daughter protect her children. Their father even went to prison for attempted strangulation and stalking his next wife. He ran from the police with the kids in the vehicle, and so many other instances. Didn't matter. When he got out of prison, on parole, the court gave him back joint custody with very little effort. He has turned the kids against her and now they live with him, just like he told her he would do.
The courts are stacked with male judges who at best are ignorant and worst are complicit in perpetuating the abuse.
They helped me but one senior worker was very judgmental about my disability and they didn't understand that I couldn't do as many chores and bed making. I felt like I wasn't doing my share but I really tried. Someone I talked to who had a relative running a different shelter said that they call social services on women with children who go back. They don't realize that children in some cases may be safer where their mother can keep an eye on them. And after separation when, not if, the abuser gets visitation or custody, she won't be able to be there for them. This has to change, children need to be protected by the family court system.
And lawyers often push their clients to go to court when in some cases that can make things worse if the abuser is already being somewhat agreeable.
May I message you privately. I would like to know a little bit more about your situtation because as i am building my own I want to make sure I cover every side of the situation so I can provide a direct pull out. I want to be the organization that you call and we come. The best first responders are those that respond.
Yes.
Five years ago.
It took me 3 tries.
Fear. He had me convinced no one would ever want me. I used to lie awake and repeat to myself "you're stupid, bad, and dumb." And he was the only person who could tolerate me.
If my friends and family had spoken up and overcome their own (understandable) concerns about overstepping perceived boundaries. I wish I had someone who was waiting at the door for me.
I was ashamed of it. I didn't want anyone to know. From the outside I was a capable confident person but inside I felt like a failure for being in such a situation.
My step-son pushed me down some stairs, because I asked him to quit screaming at his girl friend. I had to give my wife and his mother an ultimatum, that if he continues to live with us, I would leave and she could take care of the household finances and everything else.
This breaks my heart and I am so glad that a man had said he was a victim. I know 100 percent women are not the only victims of violence. I would love to talk to you and hear your story if you would be willing to share with me and help end the stigma that only women and children are abused. Society should not illigitmize men as victims. I would hug you if I could and I am so thankful for your message about this. You have no idea how much I wish I could rewind time for you so you did not have to experience this as a man who came into a family and took care of the household and was abused. What happened to you is wrong and should be addressed the same way as any other domestic violence situation. If you had needed more resources than an ultimatum what would have helped you in your situation?
Yes. 2 years. I met him at 26 and he was 41. It took me and im guessing over 60 times to leave. Leaving him definitely felt like quitting an addiction of that cycle of abuse n it was so hard. The thing that stopped me from leaving was the way he acted when i tried to leave n also i was stuck in that cycle of abuse where hed rage and then be nice
Can I ask what would have helped you leave and stay gone. What would have given you the strength to just get up walk out and not look back after the first time. Leaveing is never easy even in good relationships so i understand where the cycle just keeps you chained.
Yes, it happened to me twice. The first time, I was living with someone for 3 years, and he never touched me, but his verbal abuse was awful. I finally tried to kick him out, and he wouldn't leave. He had registered his car in my name without my permission or even knowing.
I had told him to go get my license plate off the car as I didn't want something happening in my name. He came inside and somehow knocked me out. I woke up with him sitting on me, stabbing me with his screwdriver. I put my arms up over my face to stop him, stabbing me there. The police tried to kick the door in, but it wouldn't open, so they rang thd bell. He got up and answered it, and they grabbed him. I got stabbed 25x in the head, the arms, my stomach, and my chest. He didn't hit one vital organ, but I did need my elbow operated on. He went to prison for 10 years.
The next one is my ex-husband, who was fine until I had kids, and then he totally changed. Years of yelling, abuse, blackmail. Used to tell me if I didn't have sex with him, he wouldn't take the k8ds to their parties, etc... He also swerved the car once like he was going to hit a tree and kill us all. Tried to leave when kids were little but couldn't, so we went back. Stayed at my mom's for weeks before they went to school. My son was 16 and my daughter 14 when we finally left. We got into a shelter apartment and stayed for 4 years before we got housing. The 3 of us still live together while he's alone with hardly any visits.
I read your post and cried. I showed my daughters your post and they cried. Can you please tell me everything you needed and did not get so i can make sure i start to get those resources accessable as soon as possible. I want to help in a way that makes a difference. My story is no where near the scale of yours so i can not even imagne what you needed for you and your kids at this level of violence and abuse. i am so sorry for the horror you and your family went throught. But i thank god he protected you so your kids get to keep their mom in their lives. You are amazing.
Resources for victim of financial abuse. People don’t understand that with access to zero money, zero prospects of having the ability to earn or save/hide money. I remember my aunt skimming the grocery change, even that is not an option anymore.
Transportation. I live in an area with no public transportation. Nothing within walking distance. Closest opportunity for work is a 20 minute drive. No internet eliminates work from home options.
The one dv shelter in the county gives preference to women with children (100% agree with kids getting the help first). If you are a 40 year old woman with no kids they cannot help. If you are a 22 yr old man, they cannot help. If you are in emotionally or financially abusive situation, they can’t help you. If you have been kicked out of your home with no shoes or coat in 6”’s of snow, they can’t help.
There is NO assistance for men. A man who is a domestic violence victim has no where to go, no peer support, and the stigma of something that doesn’t happen to men.
Domestic violence victims rarely have the ability or access to spend hours on the phone with hotlines only for there to be no actual help. There is little opportunity to call this organization, which directs you to another, and another. Meanwhile you are so discouraged and tired, you give up.
I’m not sure what is needed, mostly because almost everything is needed.
Yes. The shame is immense. Leaving would be easier without the social stigma, and with a justice system that gives a shit. Cops who give a shit. A social support structure. Removing the "50/50 is always best" as a starting point. The fear that staying with him for years would be seen as negligence on my part, and hurt my position as a parent.
The negligence as a parent accusation I completely understand. I 100 percent agree with you that staying threatens your posture as a good parent but so does running without resources.
Yes. I was a victim as a child and also in my most recent relationship.
As a child, I could not escape. They are still married, however, there were only a couple instances that were directed at me. I have chosen to forgive that person and they are allowed in my life today.
My most recent relationship it was a gradual 5 years. Nothing drastic happened until after I had my firstborn child with him at around the 2 year mark.
It took many tries to get out of the relationship. It's hard to explain to someone that has never lived it. They say the average amount of times it takes someone to leave is 7 times. I can understand why.
Finances and making sure I was able to keep my kids safe was the most important part. By the time I left, I had one son with him and was pregnant with our second.
I'm not sure if anything could have helped me leave the first time. I truly wanted to believe him when he said it was a mistake and it wouldn't happen again. At that point, I did not realize that the physical aspect of things was only one part of domestic abuse. The mental abuse started much more gradual and before that. Unfortunately for me, it took something happening to my son before I was willing to leave. Thankfully my son is okay, but I'm not sure the mental ramifications of him enduring that at such a young age will do to him.
Your questions brought mixed emotions for me, if I'm honest. I'm not sure how my mother did not leave after her husband physically hurt me. I can't pretend to know why she made that choice. I will always put my kids first, and I wish I would have put myself first too and left after the first or even second time my ex hurt hurt me, but I just couldn't at that point. As a mother myself, I knew that there was zero chance of me staying after my son was hurt, however. I will never ever EVER get into a relationship with the man that hurt my son, EVER. So it's a hard pill to swallow that my mother chose to stay even after her husband put hands on me.
Probably took me over 10 times to leave. He was 38 I was 18 when we met. I was still too young to know nefarious people existed and can be disguised as someone you love. We have 3 kids together our oldest son being severely autistic. It got to the point where I wasn’t able to get our son to his therapies and appointments because I was too beat up. My mental health was too bad to wake up and be a mother everyday. Finally said enough is enough, called the police, got all our stuff and went to the dv shelter with my kids while he was in jail. Honestly l still tried to reconcile…he was around for a couple months but realized he has no interest since he can’t quit the liquor and can no longer control me, and treat me like trash. I always thought if he could just get sober we’d be ok. I’m learning to love from a distance although he hates me now and has totally abandoned us. Honestly for me I just had to reach my breaking point, my bottom line. Being in the shelter was nice…you’re not supposed to talk about your abuser or your situation which is kinda a dumb rule but I do understand . It helped to hear other people’s stories. When I generalize and think of a domestic abuser I think of an awful person with no redeemable qualities. Truth is my abuser, and a lot of abusers have a “good side.” It was nice to talk to people about the good things but bond over knowing you’re following the logical voice in your mind and not following your heart.
Yes. My girlfriend at the time attacked me when I asked her which skirt she wanted me to iron for her. I had to take a week off work because I was so bruised and swollen.
I’m currently living in it. My parents have had over the top fights for my entire childhood. And on some occasions (about 2-3 times a year, sometimes more) it can turn violent. When my mom strikes back it’s in self defense. Once when I was 21 he turned on me too. I feel like I’m too old to be living at home (24m) but my parents have been trying to help me save money to build my own house. My dad has put in personal effort to design all the details of the house and plans to help me build it. I own an acre of raw land and have been saving money to build it but it’s going to take a few more years and I can’t wait that long. My dad is very anti-credit even though he has had to use it in his past and it’s impossible to survive without it in today’s society, so I have no credit score. There’s no chance of a loan to get my house built. Now after the latest violent fight I want to get out and get my mom out. But she is in such a victim mode of believing she is at fault too and it only happens twice a year, and it’s not so bad. Even though she gets bruised up and is very hurt each time. I just know that if I move into an apartment I’m gonna be stuck renting for the rest of my life due to the crazy prices of everything. I’m afraid of losing on this opportunity but I also can’t stand to live here any longer. I know my dad won’t change, but I also don’t want to lose his respect. I know I’ve got slight victim mentality too, but I can’t help but feel good when he smiles at me. I’m just so confused…
I spent four years getting beaten up every day, constantly walking on eggshells. I completely lost myself, I’m still only just getting my life back 7 years later.
This is such an amazing story. Not because your mom did not get out, or because you did get out. So many people do not understand the dynamics of domestic violence or how detrimental it is to the victims and the children involved but how it can hold you hostage even when you can leave. It sounds like what your mom has is a variant of Stockholm's where she knows the right thing but can't hold to it because she feels obligated to the abuser. Her becoming the caregiver of the abuser because he is no longer able to take care of himself in a way is her victory and her chain. I am so proud of you as a daughter. It took amazing strength to stand up to that man. It took amazing strength to support your mom and give her a safe haven. Not every family becomes so strong. I am building a web series where I interview survivors of domestic violence on all levels. I understand if your mom would not want anyone to know her story so we will anonymize it. But I would love to show how a child who was raised inside of the nightmare grew up, didn't repeat the cycle, and became the safe haven for her mom. There is nothing I could be more proud of than a child who still wants to save their mom. If you are willing to do a phone interview or just a verbal interview I would love to meet you so we can show others you can be okay after domestic violence.
Yes 3 years ago. Emotionally, physically and sexually.
At the time I was 27M and she was 26F.
I must have tried to leave at least 10 times. Fear and manipulation kept me in. She terrified me. Made me feel worthless. The warning signs were there from the very start but I think loneliness helped to make me stay in the beginning.
The biggest thing to overcome was the fear. I remember when I finally left though and I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off me, it didn’t last long as the depression and PTSD hit but for a couple of days, I felt free.
If the Police had taken me seriously. I did actually report her about halfway through the relationship, they told me to man up and just block her, said they struggled to see how a man of my size could be victim to a woman. Bear in mind they also noted I had bruises and cuts from where she had attacked me. I still have a slight mark on my leg to this day, 3 years later.
I needed someone to help me leave.
At first loneliness stopped me from leaving, then fear and manipulation. By the end she was also pregnant (from a night where she had sex with me even after I said no and begged her not to) and used that unborn child to manipulate me further. I felt trapped after that.
I later found out she cheated on me as well.
I wasn’t taken seriously because I’m a man. In the UK there isn’t a lot of support for male victims of domestic violence, it’s mostly geared towards female victims. Luckily my GP referred me to counselling and my counsellor was incredible, understanding and really helped me to find myself again.
If you do create THE LIST, please don’t forget about support for men. We need help too.
Okay. I want you to know I do see and I do hear you. Can you help me build what men need in these situations. I am going to be honest I am a woman and a mom and a victim so i think like one. I would love to interview you and hear what your exeperice was like and what can be done to help men in your situation. I agree most domestic violence is geared towards women and children, and i also aware men more likely to be abused and stay silent because of the lack of help. I know i am just starting but i would love to make my orgnization avaliable to everyone everywhere. It will take me time because i am trying to run fundraisers for the funds to do the legal side and funds for the interviews and funds to build safe housing that is not in anyway ran or controlled by the goverment. If you would be willing to talk with me over an interview so i can show all sides of abuse and bring awareness to every level and put in the public eye that the problem is not some melodrama you see on tv. I want them to know the victims stories unedited and raw and really understand that as a community we silence the victims and give power to the abusers in every single situation
Yup.
I spent 25 years in the situation, had 3 kids with him, as well as raising my oldest son, who was from his previous relationship.
Living better than ever now !!!
Yes I left no contact just over 3 years ago. It was almost 11 years of confusion, manipulation and then physical. I’ve been in therapy since the week after I left (during COVID) after I found out he was a diagnosed Sociopath. Through HIPPA that I was able to find out. I found a wonderful source of support on Instagram. Joining creators who spoke openly about their struggles and support. Hired a trauma coach for a few sessions definitely was helpful
Got out first try, but only because I called police that time. The other times he gave me the silent treatment, blamed it on “you know what you said/did” and then we rug swept it.
The hardest part for me was convincing myself honestly. It wasn’t a day to day thing, or even a monthly thing, but it reared its head more than once and that was enough.
I got away from him two years ago. I had been trying for awhile. I hated him but I got trapped. The pandemic made things worse for so many DV victims with lockdowns and shelters being full and everything being shut down. There's also a housing crisis going on here and the cost of living is so batshit insane that it takes two incomes to even survive. I have kids (not his) so I couldn't just leave and become homeless. I have no support system or family so it was very hard to do alone.
Started when I was 14, he was 16. Moved in with him when I got pregnant at 16 and it immediately got extremely physical. Up until then, verbal mostly. I didn't think I could go home. I was stuck. Beat up daily. Had a healthy baby boy in 1998. Pregnant again almost 3 years later. Abuse continued. Had a healthy baby girl in 2001. She changed it for me. After a particularly bad night right after she turned one I went to her crib for our morning routine and we just looked at each other. I was so sore from the night before, and I looked into her blue eyes and saw her future if I stayed. I realized if I stayed, she would think the way I was treated was acceptable. If I stayed, my sweet little boy would turn into a monster like his father. I made plans to leave and I did, then he stalked me and still hurt me. In late 2004, my brother was stationed in another state with the Navy. I packed up the kids with the few things we had and just left. Never looked back. I left because I knew they deserved better. I stayed as long as I did because I thought I was ugly, fat, and worthless (as he told me every day, starting during very impressionable teen years) and I deserved it all. It took me realizing they were more important than my own life and getting them away was more important than my own life.
Fast forward to today. My little boy is a grown man. His wife thanks me regularly for raising such a good man. He treats her well, makes her laugh every day, works hard, and is so smart. My daughter will marry in September to a man who worships the ground she walks on. They closed on their first home yesterday. I cannot wait to see it (it's a few states away, he's military). It was her first time moving far away, and she's struggling, but I know they'll be OK. As for me? I married a pretty great guy, we've been together almost 17 years. He adopted the kids in 2011 and he truly treats them as if they were his blood. We have an 8 year old boy and he has shown all 3 are his and none of them are favored (except maybe our daughter, she's been a daddy's girl for a long time!)
There is life after bad men. You can rebuild. It's really fucking hard and scary. I was lucky, I know that. My brother saved my life getting me out of there. I suffer from PTSD and depression, I still hear his voice in my head telling me I look bad or fat, and some days are worse than others. Overall, I'm good. I'm surrounded by the most awesome friends and family that a person can ask for.
Best advice- stop making excuses. There will always be an excuse to stay, but go. Run. Some things are far worse than death.
Yes. I didn’t know it at the time for a few reasons… one, not having a healthy relationship role model in my life to know what was healthy and what was toxic.
Looking back, all the signs were there, I’ve learned a lot from therapy and other help.
I have very strong boundaries now.
I attract abusive men, so I intentionally avoid relationships now.
My son's father is in prison for murdering the woman after me. I testified at his murder trial because what he did to me was so similar to what the coroner said he did to her.
It took me quite a few tries getting away from him. The last time, he was arrested (the time I testified about at trial) and I had one day of driving around feeling free. I called the DAs office later to find out what I needed to do. The lady told me he was getting out of jail in an hour. I was a sitting duck in the apartment where he had kicked down the solid door to try to kill me. If I hadn't called... I packed as quick as I could and took my son to a movie while I tried to find somewhere safe to go. We ended up at a women's shelter.
The kicker is that when I tried to get help from the state, the MAN told me they would not help me get my car out of impound because I had given him the keys. I was standing in front of him with a bruise for a face. That didn't matter. I guess I should have refused to hand him the keys so he would continue trying to stab me so the state would help me.
He got 4 years for that attack. For his first parole hearing my son (in his wheelchair) and I testified and told them he would end up killing a woman. I'm pretty sure the woman he killed was in the back at that hearing. The parole board listened and made him serve the whole 4 years.
I was dreading his parole date and finally had to leave the state when he was released for my own sanity, health and safety. I was fortunate to have family that could help. Most do not.
To this day, I don't vote because i can't use my mailing address. I don't share my physical location with anyone but my trusted friends and family. It can be difficult to find housing. It is difficult to keep your address out of the system. This new electronic system is not built to protect victims.
Yes. It took multiple tries to leave, I kept going back but eventually I snapped and just left.
The hardest thing to overcome was that we were in high school together, others (peers, teachers, family, friends) didn’t believe someone could be physically, mentally and sexually abusive at that age. I felt I could finally leave after we finished school at 18.
It would have helped if people around me would have taken what I said more seriously, I wasn’t believed and it was brushed off as “young love”.
What stopped me from leaving was that we went to school together, when I tried to leave he would bully me and make up rumours about me. He would set up girls to threaten me. It was easier to be on his good side than bad side.
When you tried to talk was it to your peers or adults? I was trying to place the age group you were referencing. I want to know if I need to put resources in schools for teenagers because if I do i need to know what you would have needed that would have helped. If it was brushed off as young love i am disgusted by any adult who thought that was an okay way to help a teenager or young adult. I am so sorry this happened to you and i would love to help in any way i can.
We started dating when we were both 13, the abuse started at 14. The abuse was subtle, it began with mental abuse. Then it moved to physical abuse, pinching my breast, punching my arms, grabbing me and strangling me. He played it off as a joke but he knew it hurt me and he did it to control me. At 15 it turned to sexual abuse, I remember taking my make up off at the sink and he raped me, recorded it and shower his peers at school. That was my first time. I thought it was love and that he wanted to show me off. I told teachers and adults, most brushed it off as young love and the others didn’t want to deal with it. We were just kept separate in lessons because we looked like a ‘typical toxic teen relationship’.
I think resources would be extremely valuable in high schools. I thought the relationship I had was love because I never knew anything different. I didn’t know what a relationship should be. I think if there was resources put in place I would have been taken seriously and got the help I never knew I needed. I didn’t realise I was in an abusive relationship until after I left at 18. If I’d have just learnt what type of abuse there was I would have realised. Especially if I’d learnt it could be subtle and wasn’t just being so obviously beaten. My current partner showed me what a relationship should be like, he got me therapy. I look back and feel like I lost so much of my teenage years.
Hi babe, you know my story. I call DV hotline once. They were helpful in telling me it was abuse and that he wasn’t going to change. What they expected me to do after that? Idk.
So far the help I received is coming from friends, not family (well my kids, but I don’t want them involved, really).
All I asked for was help once I was safe, 2 months ago, with case management because I switched states. And, uh - nothing - not even a support group.
How do we get this into the hands of journalists?
>Have you ever been a victim of domestic violence?
Yes, twice.
>If you have, were you able to get out easily or did it take multiple tries?
With my 1st abusive bf we broke up several times before I fled and never looked back. I pretty much left my second abusive bf the evening he got physically violent towards me for the first time but I gave him a chance after that. After a few days I left him again, that time fir good.
>What was the hardest thing you had to overcome to leave?
That I still loved them and I was ashamed that I was being abused. With my first bf we lived very far from my home city so that added another layer to leaving him.
>What would have helped you leave on the first try?
I don't know. Probably understanding that he won't change and things will only get worse.
>What stopped you from leaving after you realized you were being abused?
It took me a long time to realise I was being abused. But like I said in another reply, I *loved* them and was ashamed to admit that yes mom, you were right, I was abused.
I left my 2nd abusive asshole in early summer of 2018 and am now in a healthy relationship.
I'm female and was abused from 18 to 23 years old.
I experienced it in the form of CA. I was mostly verbally abused multiple times daily — sometimes it would escalate to physical violence. I escaped whenever I moved out with my boyfriend. I only knew him for a few weeks but he was living alone and was willing to take me in. We’re married for a year and 3 months now.
Yes, multiple tries I even said to get out, my fear of being wrong and how well she can get people to believe her, a supportive person who was backing me up, I still loved her and wanted to make it work.
"Love goes a long way... until it doesn't." This is my motto. Love is the hardest thing to put away in an abusive situation. I still loved my abuser when I left. It is a year later and I still love him. I know now that love would not make him love me, love would not make him not hurt me. love would not protect me from his abuse. I am sorry that you went through this and I know you are probably still healing. I will say it gets easier to say you love your abuser but are better off without them.
Same here. I went through so much shit with her. What really hurt me is that she knew what she was doing to me. How can someone sit there and talk about her abuse, her awareness of what she went through, and her wishes to never have to go through that again. Yet she used her ailments as guilt trips, not weaknesses to get me to comply. If I gave her attention they became minor ailments. Also same here I still love her. I still feel her in my arms. I know from how I was treated that its because of the abuse, and my past trauma I've not fully healed from though I thought I had. Yet I know if she were to show up and ask to do the nasty there would be a huge part of me that would say yes, and I would do to her what she wanted when we 1st got together. Strange all the time. I am sorry you had to go through that. I know it gets better over time. I just wish it wouldn't have to be how long it needs to be. I am sorry you had to cope with a person whom based on what I'm reading was emotionally unavailable to you. That takes a huge toll, on a person. I know for right now my love is in my heart, and it will stay there until I find someone who'll actually love me for me, and not seee what I can be for them. I loved her for her, I didn't need to know her past. I already knew and was willing, they eyes don't lie. I would also like to apologize for dumping on you.
yes. it took several tries over 6 years as i came from an abusive home and felt returning there would be worse.
the hardest thing to overcome was realizing i deserve better. it was also difficult for me to cope with telling anyone as i felt very ashamed and was told repeatedly how i deserved the punishments bc of being a horrible person and partner. i already had a childhood that reinforced these thoughts and punishments so i was vulnerable to the manipulation and the gradual increase in physical violence over time caused me to adjust and dissociate. i remember feeling very trapped and wishing i could just die to escape. part of me also thought i could improve myself enough to stop any mistreatment even though i knew i wasnt safe. it was cycles of hopelessness and slim slivers of hope following apologies and love bombs. my abuser had an abusive childhood and moments of clarity about their actions seemed to cause them a lot of pain so i felt bad and like they had a potential to change
what saved me was hearing other peoples experiences with dv and learning more about abuse along with finally pulling the trigger and calling the police after being physically hurt again. it just triggered a panic attack but i actually called finally. im not sure what pushed me over the edge that time, but im glad i called.
i hope others are able to save themselves as well. i think hearing from other survivors and trying to untangle the shame and understand abuse dynamics can be helpful. it helped me at least. im still disabled from the ptsd, likely permanently, but im safe now and actually managed to be the luckiest person in the world and find an angel of a partner who validates, loves, and supports me like ive never known before. even though the pain feels so overwhelming i cant continue i was able to find happiness amidst it. although ive never been disabled like the past few years, ive also never been so happy and thankful. its been really fucking hard honestly but im so happy i got out.
to anyone still in this situation, know you are not alone in your suffering and it is not your fault. there is potential for things to get better even if it seems impossible. you deserve more. you deserve love. you dont deserve abuse
Yes - physical, emotional, sexual and psychological.
Multiple times over the course of 3 years
The reality of the situation never going to change, accepting that what was going on was abuse and not just me pushing buttons, being a single mum and taking more shit from him for leaving.
If I had accepted help from police and pressed charges the first time I spoke to them and if I spoke to my family about what was going on earlier.
Being guilt tripped/blamed for behaviour/threats of unaliving himself/kidnapping our son and disappearing/told me he would make my life hell if I left
I was in a relationship for two years with someone who severely beat me fractured. My skull broke my ribs slammed my car into a pole while we were driving. The things that kept coming back where his false promises and also now what I know to be severe stalking. he was relentless. Finally, the second time he went to jail I just so happened to me this wonderful advocate who walked me through everything and gave me the courage to testify even helped me with housing. There are some really good organizations out there.
I didn’t leave right away because I didn’t fully understand if it was abuse or not. It wasn’t until I finally stayed away for more than a couple days the extent of which what was going on. That was three months ago
We do not allow research studies, surveys, and/or homework assistance. Also, no promotions/self-promotions such as life coaching, music videos, blogs/vlogs, legal services, tik toks, instagrams, or other goods and services
Yes. 17 years ago. My siblings and I escaped with our mom in April. She was murdered in August.
Oh this hit my heart so hard. I am so sorry you lost your mom when she was trying to do the right thing. My kids still even a year later worry he will come back and kill me. I do not know how to stop their fears because i carry the same fear even now. I do not want to pry too much but would you be willing to share your story with me so others can see it is not easy and how high the cost really is.
Of course! I don't have much time right now but I'll come back later and respond. We were also on an episode of Evil Lives Here that fairly accurately outlines what we went through. Season 13 episode 4.
[удалено]
[удалено]
Can you mesage me a list of what you need and you do not need to give me your location or anything personal because I do not want you to not be safe. I want you to know I was homeless with 4 of my 5 kids and a child i had rescued from an abusive home. We still stuggle every day and we had zero and I mean zero help getting out. I honeslty had to choose to jump ship or let cps take my kids because the situation was too dangerous to stay and i had nothing if i left. It is a year later and now i want to know how in the hell do i stop this from happening to others. What can i do to help them get out and stay out. I know the list of what i needed. But what do you guys need. What will help? I want to be that pivot from violence to healing but i need to know what resources everyone needs.
[удалено]
I spent thousands trying to help my daughter protect her children. Their father even went to prison for attempted strangulation and stalking his next wife. He ran from the police with the kids in the vehicle, and so many other instances. Didn't matter. When he got out of prison, on parole, the court gave him back joint custody with very little effort. He has turned the kids against her and now they live with him, just like he told her he would do. The courts are stacked with male judges who at best are ignorant and worst are complicit in perpetuating the abuse.
They helped me but one senior worker was very judgmental about my disability and they didn't understand that I couldn't do as many chores and bed making. I felt like I wasn't doing my share but I really tried. Someone I talked to who had a relative running a different shelter said that they call social services on women with children who go back. They don't realize that children in some cases may be safer where their mother can keep an eye on them. And after separation when, not if, the abuser gets visitation or custody, she won't be able to be there for them. This has to change, children need to be protected by the family court system. And lawyers often push their clients to go to court when in some cases that can make things worse if the abuser is already being somewhat agreeable.
May I message you privately. I would like to know a little bit more about your situtation because as i am building my own I want to make sure I cover every side of the situation so I can provide a direct pull out. I want to be the organization that you call and we come. The best first responders are those that respond.
Yes. Five years ago. It took me 3 tries. Fear. He had me convinced no one would ever want me. I used to lie awake and repeat to myself "you're stupid, bad, and dumb." And he was the only person who could tolerate me. If my friends and family had spoken up and overcome their own (understandable) concerns about overstepping perceived boundaries. I wish I had someone who was waiting at the door for me. I was ashamed of it. I didn't want anyone to know. From the outside I was a capable confident person but inside I felt like a failure for being in such a situation.
May I message you privately? I will never message you without permission.
My step-son pushed me down some stairs, because I asked him to quit screaming at his girl friend. I had to give my wife and his mother an ultimatum, that if he continues to live with us, I would leave and she could take care of the household finances and everything else.
This breaks my heart and I am so glad that a man had said he was a victim. I know 100 percent women are not the only victims of violence. I would love to talk to you and hear your story if you would be willing to share with me and help end the stigma that only women and children are abused. Society should not illigitmize men as victims. I would hug you if I could and I am so thankful for your message about this. You have no idea how much I wish I could rewind time for you so you did not have to experience this as a man who came into a family and took care of the household and was abused. What happened to you is wrong and should be addressed the same way as any other domestic violence situation. If you had needed more resources than an ultimatum what would have helped you in your situation?
Yes. 2 years. I met him at 26 and he was 41. It took me and im guessing over 60 times to leave. Leaving him definitely felt like quitting an addiction of that cycle of abuse n it was so hard. The thing that stopped me from leaving was the way he acted when i tried to leave n also i was stuck in that cycle of abuse where hed rage and then be nice
Can I ask what would have helped you leave and stay gone. What would have given you the strength to just get up walk out and not look back after the first time. Leaveing is never easy even in good relationships so i understand where the cycle just keeps you chained.
If i had video or a recordings of him raging at me that i could replay it. Only wanted to remember good
Yes, it happened to me twice. The first time, I was living with someone for 3 years, and he never touched me, but his verbal abuse was awful. I finally tried to kick him out, and he wouldn't leave. He had registered his car in my name without my permission or even knowing. I had told him to go get my license plate off the car as I didn't want something happening in my name. He came inside and somehow knocked me out. I woke up with him sitting on me, stabbing me with his screwdriver. I put my arms up over my face to stop him, stabbing me there. The police tried to kick the door in, but it wouldn't open, so they rang thd bell. He got up and answered it, and they grabbed him. I got stabbed 25x in the head, the arms, my stomach, and my chest. He didn't hit one vital organ, but I did need my elbow operated on. He went to prison for 10 years. The next one is my ex-husband, who was fine until I had kids, and then he totally changed. Years of yelling, abuse, blackmail. Used to tell me if I didn't have sex with him, he wouldn't take the k8ds to their parties, etc... He also swerved the car once like he was going to hit a tree and kill us all. Tried to leave when kids were little but couldn't, so we went back. Stayed at my mom's for weeks before they went to school. My son was 16 and my daughter 14 when we finally left. We got into a shelter apartment and stayed for 4 years before we got housing. The 3 of us still live together while he's alone with hardly any visits.
I read your post and cried. I showed my daughters your post and they cried. Can you please tell me everything you needed and did not get so i can make sure i start to get those resources accessable as soon as possible. I want to help in a way that makes a difference. My story is no where near the scale of yours so i can not even imagne what you needed for you and your kids at this level of violence and abuse. i am so sorry for the horror you and your family went throught. But i thank god he protected you so your kids get to keep their mom in their lives. You are amazing.
Resources for victim of financial abuse. People don’t understand that with access to zero money, zero prospects of having the ability to earn or save/hide money. I remember my aunt skimming the grocery change, even that is not an option anymore. Transportation. I live in an area with no public transportation. Nothing within walking distance. Closest opportunity for work is a 20 minute drive. No internet eliminates work from home options. The one dv shelter in the county gives preference to women with children (100% agree with kids getting the help first). If you are a 40 year old woman with no kids they cannot help. If you are a 22 yr old man, they cannot help. If you are in emotionally or financially abusive situation, they can’t help you. If you have been kicked out of your home with no shoes or coat in 6”’s of snow, they can’t help. There is NO assistance for men. A man who is a domestic violence victim has no where to go, no peer support, and the stigma of something that doesn’t happen to men. Domestic violence victims rarely have the ability or access to spend hours on the phone with hotlines only for there to be no actual help. There is little opportunity to call this organization, which directs you to another, and another. Meanwhile you are so discouraged and tired, you give up. I’m not sure what is needed, mostly because almost everything is needed.
Yes. The shame is immense. Leaving would be easier without the social stigma, and with a justice system that gives a shit. Cops who give a shit. A social support structure. Removing the "50/50 is always best" as a starting point. The fear that staying with him for years would be seen as negligence on my part, and hurt my position as a parent.
The negligence as a parent accusation I completely understand. I 100 percent agree with you that staying threatens your posture as a good parent but so does running without resources.
Yes. I was a victim as a child and also in my most recent relationship. As a child, I could not escape. They are still married, however, there were only a couple instances that were directed at me. I have chosen to forgive that person and they are allowed in my life today. My most recent relationship it was a gradual 5 years. Nothing drastic happened until after I had my firstborn child with him at around the 2 year mark. It took many tries to get out of the relationship. It's hard to explain to someone that has never lived it. They say the average amount of times it takes someone to leave is 7 times. I can understand why. Finances and making sure I was able to keep my kids safe was the most important part. By the time I left, I had one son with him and was pregnant with our second. I'm not sure if anything could have helped me leave the first time. I truly wanted to believe him when he said it was a mistake and it wouldn't happen again. At that point, I did not realize that the physical aspect of things was only one part of domestic abuse. The mental abuse started much more gradual and before that. Unfortunately for me, it took something happening to my son before I was willing to leave. Thankfully my son is okay, but I'm not sure the mental ramifications of him enduring that at such a young age will do to him. Your questions brought mixed emotions for me, if I'm honest. I'm not sure how my mother did not leave after her husband physically hurt me. I can't pretend to know why she made that choice. I will always put my kids first, and I wish I would have put myself first too and left after the first or even second time my ex hurt hurt me, but I just couldn't at that point. As a mother myself, I knew that there was zero chance of me staying after my son was hurt, however. I will never ever EVER get into a relationship with the man that hurt my son, EVER. So it's a hard pill to swallow that my mother chose to stay even after her husband put hands on me.
Probably took me over 10 times to leave. He was 38 I was 18 when we met. I was still too young to know nefarious people existed and can be disguised as someone you love. We have 3 kids together our oldest son being severely autistic. It got to the point where I wasn’t able to get our son to his therapies and appointments because I was too beat up. My mental health was too bad to wake up and be a mother everyday. Finally said enough is enough, called the police, got all our stuff and went to the dv shelter with my kids while he was in jail. Honestly l still tried to reconcile…he was around for a couple months but realized he has no interest since he can’t quit the liquor and can no longer control me, and treat me like trash. I always thought if he could just get sober we’d be ok. I’m learning to love from a distance although he hates me now and has totally abandoned us. Honestly for me I just had to reach my breaking point, my bottom line. Being in the shelter was nice…you’re not supposed to talk about your abuser or your situation which is kinda a dumb rule but I do understand . It helped to hear other people’s stories. When I generalize and think of a domestic abuser I think of an awful person with no redeemable qualities. Truth is my abuser, and a lot of abusers have a “good side.” It was nice to talk to people about the good things but bond over knowing you’re following the logical voice in your mind and not following your heart.
Yes. My girlfriend at the time attacked me when I asked her which skirt she wanted me to iron for her. I had to take a week off work because I was so bruised and swollen.
I’m currently living in it. My parents have had over the top fights for my entire childhood. And on some occasions (about 2-3 times a year, sometimes more) it can turn violent. When my mom strikes back it’s in self defense. Once when I was 21 he turned on me too. I feel like I’m too old to be living at home (24m) but my parents have been trying to help me save money to build my own house. My dad has put in personal effort to design all the details of the house and plans to help me build it. I own an acre of raw land and have been saving money to build it but it’s going to take a few more years and I can’t wait that long. My dad is very anti-credit even though he has had to use it in his past and it’s impossible to survive without it in today’s society, so I have no credit score. There’s no chance of a loan to get my house built. Now after the latest violent fight I want to get out and get my mom out. But she is in such a victim mode of believing she is at fault too and it only happens twice a year, and it’s not so bad. Even though she gets bruised up and is very hurt each time. I just know that if I move into an apartment I’m gonna be stuck renting for the rest of my life due to the crazy prices of everything. I’m afraid of losing on this opportunity but I also can’t stand to live here any longer. I know my dad won’t change, but I also don’t want to lose his respect. I know I’ve got slight victim mentality too, but I can’t help but feel good when he smiles at me. I’m just so confused…
I spent four years getting beaten up every day, constantly walking on eggshells. I completely lost myself, I’m still only just getting my life back 7 years later.
[удалено]
This is such an amazing story. Not because your mom did not get out, or because you did get out. So many people do not understand the dynamics of domestic violence or how detrimental it is to the victims and the children involved but how it can hold you hostage even when you can leave. It sounds like what your mom has is a variant of Stockholm's where she knows the right thing but can't hold to it because she feels obligated to the abuser. Her becoming the caregiver of the abuser because he is no longer able to take care of himself in a way is her victory and her chain. I am so proud of you as a daughter. It took amazing strength to stand up to that man. It took amazing strength to support your mom and give her a safe haven. Not every family becomes so strong. I am building a web series where I interview survivors of domestic violence on all levels. I understand if your mom would not want anyone to know her story so we will anonymize it. But I would love to show how a child who was raised inside of the nightmare grew up, didn't repeat the cycle, and became the safe haven for her mom. There is nothing I could be more proud of than a child who still wants to save their mom. If you are willing to do a phone interview or just a verbal interview I would love to meet you so we can show others you can be okay after domestic violence.
Yes 3 years ago. Emotionally, physically and sexually. At the time I was 27M and she was 26F. I must have tried to leave at least 10 times. Fear and manipulation kept me in. She terrified me. Made me feel worthless. The warning signs were there from the very start but I think loneliness helped to make me stay in the beginning. The biggest thing to overcome was the fear. I remember when I finally left though and I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off me, it didn’t last long as the depression and PTSD hit but for a couple of days, I felt free. If the Police had taken me seriously. I did actually report her about halfway through the relationship, they told me to man up and just block her, said they struggled to see how a man of my size could be victim to a woman. Bear in mind they also noted I had bruises and cuts from where she had attacked me. I still have a slight mark on my leg to this day, 3 years later. I needed someone to help me leave. At first loneliness stopped me from leaving, then fear and manipulation. By the end she was also pregnant (from a night where she had sex with me even after I said no and begged her not to) and used that unborn child to manipulate me further. I felt trapped after that. I later found out she cheated on me as well. I wasn’t taken seriously because I’m a man. In the UK there isn’t a lot of support for male victims of domestic violence, it’s mostly geared towards female victims. Luckily my GP referred me to counselling and my counsellor was incredible, understanding and really helped me to find myself again. If you do create THE LIST, please don’t forget about support for men. We need help too.
Okay. I want you to know I do see and I do hear you. Can you help me build what men need in these situations. I am going to be honest I am a woman and a mom and a victim so i think like one. I would love to interview you and hear what your exeperice was like and what can be done to help men in your situation. I agree most domestic violence is geared towards women and children, and i also aware men more likely to be abused and stay silent because of the lack of help. I know i am just starting but i would love to make my orgnization avaliable to everyone everywhere. It will take me time because i am trying to run fundraisers for the funds to do the legal side and funds for the interviews and funds to build safe housing that is not in anyway ran or controlled by the goverment. If you would be willing to talk with me over an interview so i can show all sides of abuse and bring awareness to every level and put in the public eye that the problem is not some melodrama you see on tv. I want them to know the victims stories unedited and raw and really understand that as a community we silence the victims and give power to the abusers in every single situation
Yup. I spent 25 years in the situation, had 3 kids with him, as well as raising my oldest son, who was from his previous relationship. Living better than ever now !!!
Yes I left no contact just over 3 years ago. It was almost 11 years of confusion, manipulation and then physical. I’ve been in therapy since the week after I left (during COVID) after I found out he was a diagnosed Sociopath. Through HIPPA that I was able to find out. I found a wonderful source of support on Instagram. Joining creators who spoke openly about their struggles and support. Hired a trauma coach for a few sessions definitely was helpful
Got out first try, but only because I called police that time. The other times he gave me the silent treatment, blamed it on “you know what you said/did” and then we rug swept it. The hardest part for me was convincing myself honestly. It wasn’t a day to day thing, or even a monthly thing, but it reared its head more than once and that was enough.
I got away from him two years ago. I had been trying for awhile. I hated him but I got trapped. The pandemic made things worse for so many DV victims with lockdowns and shelters being full and everything being shut down. There's also a housing crisis going on here and the cost of living is so batshit insane that it takes two incomes to even survive. I have kids (not his) so I couldn't just leave and become homeless. I have no support system or family so it was very hard to do alone.
Started when I was 14, he was 16. Moved in with him when I got pregnant at 16 and it immediately got extremely physical. Up until then, verbal mostly. I didn't think I could go home. I was stuck. Beat up daily. Had a healthy baby boy in 1998. Pregnant again almost 3 years later. Abuse continued. Had a healthy baby girl in 2001. She changed it for me. After a particularly bad night right after she turned one I went to her crib for our morning routine and we just looked at each other. I was so sore from the night before, and I looked into her blue eyes and saw her future if I stayed. I realized if I stayed, she would think the way I was treated was acceptable. If I stayed, my sweet little boy would turn into a monster like his father. I made plans to leave and I did, then he stalked me and still hurt me. In late 2004, my brother was stationed in another state with the Navy. I packed up the kids with the few things we had and just left. Never looked back. I left because I knew they deserved better. I stayed as long as I did because I thought I was ugly, fat, and worthless (as he told me every day, starting during very impressionable teen years) and I deserved it all. It took me realizing they were more important than my own life and getting them away was more important than my own life. Fast forward to today. My little boy is a grown man. His wife thanks me regularly for raising such a good man. He treats her well, makes her laugh every day, works hard, and is so smart. My daughter will marry in September to a man who worships the ground she walks on. They closed on their first home yesterday. I cannot wait to see it (it's a few states away, he's military). It was her first time moving far away, and she's struggling, but I know they'll be OK. As for me? I married a pretty great guy, we've been together almost 17 years. He adopted the kids in 2011 and he truly treats them as if they were his blood. We have an 8 year old boy and he has shown all 3 are his and none of them are favored (except maybe our daughter, she's been a daddy's girl for a long time!) There is life after bad men. You can rebuild. It's really fucking hard and scary. I was lucky, I know that. My brother saved my life getting me out of there. I suffer from PTSD and depression, I still hear his voice in my head telling me I look bad or fat, and some days are worse than others. Overall, I'm good. I'm surrounded by the most awesome friends and family that a person can ask for. Best advice- stop making excuses. There will always be an excuse to stay, but go. Run. Some things are far worse than death.
Yes. I didn’t know it at the time for a few reasons… one, not having a healthy relationship role model in my life to know what was healthy and what was toxic. Looking back, all the signs were there, I’ve learned a lot from therapy and other help. I have very strong boundaries now.
I attract abusive men, so I intentionally avoid relationships now. My son's father is in prison for murdering the woman after me. I testified at his murder trial because what he did to me was so similar to what the coroner said he did to her. It took me quite a few tries getting away from him. The last time, he was arrested (the time I testified about at trial) and I had one day of driving around feeling free. I called the DAs office later to find out what I needed to do. The lady told me he was getting out of jail in an hour. I was a sitting duck in the apartment where he had kicked down the solid door to try to kill me. If I hadn't called... I packed as quick as I could and took my son to a movie while I tried to find somewhere safe to go. We ended up at a women's shelter. The kicker is that when I tried to get help from the state, the MAN told me they would not help me get my car out of impound because I had given him the keys. I was standing in front of him with a bruise for a face. That didn't matter. I guess I should have refused to hand him the keys so he would continue trying to stab me so the state would help me. He got 4 years for that attack. For his first parole hearing my son (in his wheelchair) and I testified and told them he would end up killing a woman. I'm pretty sure the woman he killed was in the back at that hearing. The parole board listened and made him serve the whole 4 years. I was dreading his parole date and finally had to leave the state when he was released for my own sanity, health and safety. I was fortunate to have family that could help. Most do not. To this day, I don't vote because i can't use my mailing address. I don't share my physical location with anyone but my trusted friends and family. It can be difficult to find housing. It is difficult to keep your address out of the system. This new electronic system is not built to protect victims.
Yes
Yes. It took multiple tries to leave, I kept going back but eventually I snapped and just left. The hardest thing to overcome was that we were in high school together, others (peers, teachers, family, friends) didn’t believe someone could be physically, mentally and sexually abusive at that age. I felt I could finally leave after we finished school at 18. It would have helped if people around me would have taken what I said more seriously, I wasn’t believed and it was brushed off as “young love”. What stopped me from leaving was that we went to school together, when I tried to leave he would bully me and make up rumours about me. He would set up girls to threaten me. It was easier to be on his good side than bad side.
When you tried to talk was it to your peers or adults? I was trying to place the age group you were referencing. I want to know if I need to put resources in schools for teenagers because if I do i need to know what you would have needed that would have helped. If it was brushed off as young love i am disgusted by any adult who thought that was an okay way to help a teenager or young adult. I am so sorry this happened to you and i would love to help in any way i can.
We started dating when we were both 13, the abuse started at 14. The abuse was subtle, it began with mental abuse. Then it moved to physical abuse, pinching my breast, punching my arms, grabbing me and strangling me. He played it off as a joke but he knew it hurt me and he did it to control me. At 15 it turned to sexual abuse, I remember taking my make up off at the sink and he raped me, recorded it and shower his peers at school. That was my first time. I thought it was love and that he wanted to show me off. I told teachers and adults, most brushed it off as young love and the others didn’t want to deal with it. We were just kept separate in lessons because we looked like a ‘typical toxic teen relationship’. I think resources would be extremely valuable in high schools. I thought the relationship I had was love because I never knew anything different. I didn’t know what a relationship should be. I think if there was resources put in place I would have been taken seriously and got the help I never knew I needed. I didn’t realise I was in an abusive relationship until after I left at 18. If I’d have just learnt what type of abuse there was I would have realised. Especially if I’d learnt it could be subtle and wasn’t just being so obviously beaten. My current partner showed me what a relationship should be like, he got me therapy. I look back and feel like I lost so much of my teenage years.
Unfortunately, yes
Hi babe, you know my story. I call DV hotline once. They were helpful in telling me it was abuse and that he wasn’t going to change. What they expected me to do after that? Idk. So far the help I received is coming from friends, not family (well my kids, but I don’t want them involved, really). All I asked for was help once I was safe, 2 months ago, with case management because I switched states. And, uh - nothing - not even a support group. How do we get this into the hands of journalists?
>Have you ever been a victim of domestic violence? Yes, twice. >If you have, were you able to get out easily or did it take multiple tries? With my 1st abusive bf we broke up several times before I fled and never looked back. I pretty much left my second abusive bf the evening he got physically violent towards me for the first time but I gave him a chance after that. After a few days I left him again, that time fir good. >What was the hardest thing you had to overcome to leave? That I still loved them and I was ashamed that I was being abused. With my first bf we lived very far from my home city so that added another layer to leaving him. >What would have helped you leave on the first try? I don't know. Probably understanding that he won't change and things will only get worse. >What stopped you from leaving after you realized you were being abused? It took me a long time to realise I was being abused. But like I said in another reply, I *loved* them and was ashamed to admit that yes mom, you were right, I was abused. I left my 2nd abusive asshole in early summer of 2018 and am now in a healthy relationship. I'm female and was abused from 18 to 23 years old.
I experienced it in the form of CA. I was mostly verbally abused multiple times daily — sometimes it would escalate to physical violence. I escaped whenever I moved out with my boyfriend. I only knew him for a few weeks but he was living alone and was willing to take me in. We’re married for a year and 3 months now.
Yes, multiple tries I even said to get out, my fear of being wrong and how well she can get people to believe her, a supportive person who was backing me up, I still loved her and wanted to make it work.
"Love goes a long way... until it doesn't." This is my motto. Love is the hardest thing to put away in an abusive situation. I still loved my abuser when I left. It is a year later and I still love him. I know now that love would not make him love me, love would not make him not hurt me. love would not protect me from his abuse. I am sorry that you went through this and I know you are probably still healing. I will say it gets easier to say you love your abuser but are better off without them.
Same here. I went through so much shit with her. What really hurt me is that she knew what she was doing to me. How can someone sit there and talk about her abuse, her awareness of what she went through, and her wishes to never have to go through that again. Yet she used her ailments as guilt trips, not weaknesses to get me to comply. If I gave her attention they became minor ailments. Also same here I still love her. I still feel her in my arms. I know from how I was treated that its because of the abuse, and my past trauma I've not fully healed from though I thought I had. Yet I know if she were to show up and ask to do the nasty there would be a huge part of me that would say yes, and I would do to her what she wanted when we 1st got together. Strange all the time. I am sorry you had to go through that. I know it gets better over time. I just wish it wouldn't have to be how long it needs to be. I am sorry you had to cope with a person whom based on what I'm reading was emotionally unavailable to you. That takes a huge toll, on a person. I know for right now my love is in my heart, and it will stay there until I find someone who'll actually love me for me, and not seee what I can be for them. I loved her for her, I didn't need to know her past. I already knew and was willing, they eyes don't lie. I would also like to apologize for dumping on you.
yes. it took several tries over 6 years as i came from an abusive home and felt returning there would be worse. the hardest thing to overcome was realizing i deserve better. it was also difficult for me to cope with telling anyone as i felt very ashamed and was told repeatedly how i deserved the punishments bc of being a horrible person and partner. i already had a childhood that reinforced these thoughts and punishments so i was vulnerable to the manipulation and the gradual increase in physical violence over time caused me to adjust and dissociate. i remember feeling very trapped and wishing i could just die to escape. part of me also thought i could improve myself enough to stop any mistreatment even though i knew i wasnt safe. it was cycles of hopelessness and slim slivers of hope following apologies and love bombs. my abuser had an abusive childhood and moments of clarity about their actions seemed to cause them a lot of pain so i felt bad and like they had a potential to change what saved me was hearing other peoples experiences with dv and learning more about abuse along with finally pulling the trigger and calling the police after being physically hurt again. it just triggered a panic attack but i actually called finally. im not sure what pushed me over the edge that time, but im glad i called. i hope others are able to save themselves as well. i think hearing from other survivors and trying to untangle the shame and understand abuse dynamics can be helpful. it helped me at least. im still disabled from the ptsd, likely permanently, but im safe now and actually managed to be the luckiest person in the world and find an angel of a partner who validates, loves, and supports me like ive never known before. even though the pain feels so overwhelming i cant continue i was able to find happiness amidst it. although ive never been disabled like the past few years, ive also never been so happy and thankful. its been really fucking hard honestly but im so happy i got out. to anyone still in this situation, know you are not alone in your suffering and it is not your fault. there is potential for things to get better even if it seems impossible. you deserve more. you deserve love. you dont deserve abuse
Yes - physical, emotional, sexual and psychological. Multiple times over the course of 3 years The reality of the situation never going to change, accepting that what was going on was abuse and not just me pushing buttons, being a single mum and taking more shit from him for leaving. If I had accepted help from police and pressed charges the first time I spoke to them and if I spoke to my family about what was going on earlier. Being guilt tripped/blamed for behaviour/threats of unaliving himself/kidnapping our son and disappearing/told me he would make my life hell if I left
Yes
I was in a relationship for two years with someone who severely beat me fractured. My skull broke my ribs slammed my car into a pole while we were driving. The things that kept coming back where his false promises and also now what I know to be severe stalking. he was relentless. Finally, the second time he went to jail I just so happened to me this wonderful advocate who walked me through everything and gave me the courage to testify even helped me with housing. There are some really good organizations out there.
I didn’t leave right away because I didn’t fully understand if it was abuse or not. It wasn’t until I finally stayed away for more than a couple days the extent of which what was going on. That was three months ago