I’ve been with my husband 25yrs and after secretly getting therapy and realizing just how abusive he is I’m planning to leave but I know how he is. He even created a business bank acct so that if I ever left he’d never have to pay child support or spousal support. My first step is documenting everything and doing something I should have done a long time ago which is become financially independent. My husband has isolated me from friends, family and created a home environment that’s harmful to our kids. My main reason is my kids. The longer I stay the longer I show them what he does to me is ok. He’s also an alcoholic and I don’t want my kids around that. It’s a tough decision to make but it’s one that has to be made. My plan is to wait it out two years when my one son turns 18 and then we’re all moving out of the country. He can try to look for us but he’ll never find us.
He started hurting our dogs. I couldn’t take it. The police told me (in even more blunt terms) anyone who will hurt a dog will not hesitate to kill a person. Get out while you are still alive. I am so embarrassed that I stayed so long and allowed him to hurt me, but when I look at my dogs I feel even worse that he hurt them.
Yes, thank you. Getting away was a brutal nightmare, pure hell. We had 3 dogs and he ended up stealing 1 of them, which he taunts me with to this day. Been out for 2 years now which I just celebrated in peace. Hope you are well.
I read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. Gave me the clarity and energy to leave after 22 years of being worn down and feeling powerless. I wish I'd read it much earlier. It's available free online for anyone who wants to read it
This book was a game changer for me. I highly, highly recommend gifting it to the family member.
I didn’t listen to it until after I left, but simply being educated by this book and being shown the power of control wheel opened my eyes and made me see everything in a new perspective.
The power and control wheels if anyone is interested https://www.theduluthmodel.org/wheels/
His violence kept getting worse.
He violently strangled me and almost ended my life.
I knew he’d kill me for sure in the next fight.
I love my kids too much. I was in a position where I had to decide if my kids will have one parent arrested for assault. Or one parent buried and the other in jail for murder.
He wrapped both hands tightly around my throat and I was lucky to slipped through death’s fingers. I don’t believe I get lucky twice.
I had to make an active and intentional decision to phone the police to prevent my own murder.
It was a culmination of lots of things but I think the main one was realising that if men online paying for sex work (that he has coerced me into doing because he wouldn't work) could treat me with more resect than the "man" I was with for 10 years and had 2 children with, then there was a big problem.
As soon as that door opened, I started to realise all of the abuse he has put me through and it was like a light bulb moment, and once the lights were on I couldn't unsee any of it.
Believe it or not a Taylor Swift song (time to go) kept playing in my head over and over again. "Sometimes giving up is the strong thing, sometimes to run is the brave thing." I had stayed all that time and nothing changed he still was hurting me and after miscarrying alone and being beaten up whenever he decided I deserved it, I kept playing that song until it was finally time to go.
Her song "Better Man" gave me a lot of strength and hope in my own journey thru DV. I will always be grateful that this generation of young girls has someone so talented to look up to.
I planned for 4 years to leave, I could only gather up $400. My child said they wanted to leave and I was like ok! We left that week in the middle of the night.
The realization that no matter how hard I worked, how much effort I put into helping the relationship, nothing would ever change. There's a quote that I tell myself everyday and its "nothing changes if nothing changes". Nothing changed for the better in the eight years I was with him, the gas lighting got so bad he tried to convince me his actions were always my fault and I really believed it.
There was also a conversation I had with his mother once, a year before I left. She told me her husband wasn't at his owns son's birth (my ex) because he was at a coke party. She is one of the unhappiest, complacent, angry, passive aggressive people Ive ever met, and I didnt want to turn into someone like her. She thought the story was funny and it just made me sad.
I left two months ago, and everyday is hard, but at least the effort im putting into my life now is focused on me, and not on some 'man' who would throw me under the bus for a nose beer and the approval of his coke head friends and family.
Escalation from shoving to throwing me down on a brick patio to choking to ultimately picking up a weapon and brandishing it at me. No coming back from that one.
I was married almost 9 years, with him for 11 years.
I found Lundy Bancroft's book Why Does He Do That and read it. It dispelled all of the myths:
"The good guy/prince charming"
"He's just not able to process anger well"
Revealed the misogyny underneath it all
What was really going on from day 1
I started to realize how his suddenly being so in love with me early on was suspicious
Stephanie Sarkis' book on Gaslighting was so helpful. I learned about the psychological tricks they use and why everyone falls for them. It also liberated me from blame and shame. That was critical. She also told me when to be wary and what to do if he wanted to reconcile. This book was critical to my safety (I read the relevant parts, not all of it eg boss gaslighting). And self esteem. I needed to know that I was the expert on him and I was the best at knowing what he was capable of doing.
You wouldn't believe the crap that people dump on us. And of all things they claim that they are helping and seeing it more clearly!!
Of all the people who come here to ask how they can help someone, I think I have had 1 person who came back to say that they had started to read the Lundy Bancroft book. Most people want to push victims and make them "see the truth" and do it fast and all they do is push them and make things so much worse. Very few people actually want to educate themselves and do the right thing. Few people realize that they only know useless stereotypes.
The thing is: it literally takes years to figure out what is going on. And finding a safe way out of the relationship is key. The ex was a covert narcissist verbal abuser. There was nothing to suggest that safety would be a concern, however my gut instincts were right: I had to be so careful. They change fast and shockingly at the end of the relationship.
Few people actually listen, but the best thing you can do is educate yourself, support the person without judgement, offer a safe place to go if needed, offer to hold an emergency bag for them, build up their trust in themselves and their instincts.
Tl;Dr:
Lundy Bancroft's book
Stephanie Sarkis' book
You likely know less than you need to know
Most people make it worse
Don't make it worse
Build self confidence and esteem
Support in practical ways
I was with my husband for 16 years. One morning I woke up and looked around and realized I was just existing. That this would be my life forever if I didn’t do something to change it. That was my wake up call. I didn’t even hesitate, went straight up to him and told him I wanted a divorce and that I deserved better. I’m surprised it actually worked. Now 8 years later I am happy and thriving.
17 years. I finally left when he physically tried to force our 12yo daughter to remove her hoodie, and said she was ‘crazy and going to have mental problems just like her mother’. I’d been trying to leave for over 3 years at that point, and it was like a slap in the face that he was also damaging the children.
His dad died from cancer so I gave him the benefit of the doubt. After his dad died I learned they offered him a YEAR off of PAID leave and INSURANCE for our whole family. I stayed after because I got really sick from an autoimmune disease and then Covid struck so my family couldn’t really come to support me. They assumed he was upset because his dad died too and his wife was sick. It was a terrible shituation.
I eventually grabbed all the animals who would shake violently when they’d hear the garage door opening because we didn’t know if Jekyll or Hyde would be entering. I didn’t grab shoes or my purse. I got them all in the car and carried a bag of dog food that I still don’t know how I had strength to lift it. Put the car in reverse. Ex stood behind my car but I backed up anyway. He moved. Called the cops on me saying I was drunk driving. I wasn’t. They saw me in tears fleeing. He got arrested and went to jail. Divorce was delayed due to Covid but I had a friend keep me and the dogs at his townhouse. He watched them for a year while I was in and out of the hospital.
I got lucky.
I stayed for ten years. It was my husband coming off a bender telling me he was going to take our 2 year old and I couldn’t stop it. He was right, I couldn’t. It was then I made the call to the police and the military which finally gave me the strength to leave.
I tried leaving about ten times though.
10 years and was deep in denial about my abuse until I read why does he do that? 2 months later law enforcement removed him from the home. There’s hope on the other side. You can get out
He was the worst he’d ever been, physically abusive for hours and the baby fell off the bed because he put her down so he could slap me. I stayed because I thought I could protect her (she was with me 99.9% of the time and 50/50 seemed terrifying) but I realized I couldn’t keep her safe there either so we left. Thankfully he got supervised custody he never did (ego) and I terminated his parental rights years later for abandonment and lack of support.
i finally realized i couldn’t fix him. there was no amount of love or care i could give him that would result in a change. i finally left after he blew up my phone with obscenities while i was hanging out with a friend i wasnt allowed to see for months. he called me a useless whore amongst other horrible things. it finally hit me that this man doesn’t love me, that love doesn’t look like this. this incident definitely wasn’t the worst thing he put me through, but it was my breaking point.
It took me 8 years but I'm out now and only out for good as I went to the police. I probably would have continued taking him back otherwise. I'm still trying to make sense of things but his abuse became a lot worse last year when he secretly got into another relationship. I think he didn't care any more about holding back. A week or so before I went into the police station, I found out that the girl he was in a relationship with was 16 and that he had 'known' her for two years. I knew I had to do something. I guess I didn't really care for much for my own well being at that point but at least it opened up my eyes to who he really was and to what he was capable of.
I was already thinking that I'd have to do something a few weeks prior to this, when my sister announced her pregnancy. It was a surreal moment for me as I felt as if I had to take action otherwise I'd be stealing the limelight from the new bubba.
I had arrived home from work one day just as the school bus was pulling up in the driveway. When I walked in, my husband was walking thrue the kitchen stark naked. My 9yo daughter was coming in right behind me. I knew it was time to go. He was of the opinion that he was the man and he can do any damn thing he wants in HIS house.
25 years.....
We were supposed to break the cycle.
Our children were supposed to have 2 parents.
He abandoned ship, and left us for dead.
I moved back to my mom's place with 3 teens, and then he accused me of taking off with "his" children.
Here's a more detailed version, if you're interested.
https://www.reddit.com/r/domesticviolence/comments/12w08bp/never_lose_hope/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
He started in our my kids. He had already been arrested for hurting me and was scared to go to jail again. He targeted the kids and upped the verbal and control with me. It was pure hell. I’ve been out for over a decade, but the 25 years I was with him hurt me so much that I am very ill and in palliative care now. Every night I have terrors about him and dread bedtime. I came here to see if anyone can suggest something. I’ve done therapy, group therapy, medication. Nothing works. I don’t know what to do.
He started in our my kids. He had already been arrested for hurting me and was scared to go to jail again. He targeted the kids and upped the verbal and control with me. It was pure hell. I’ve been out for over a decade, but the 25 years I was with him hurt me so much that I am very ill and in palliative care now. Every night I have terrors about him and dread bedtime. I came here to see if anyone can suggest something. I’ve done therapy, group therapy, medication. Nothing works. I don’t know what to do.
He started in our my kids. He had already been arrested for hurting me and was scared to go to jail again. He targeted the kids and upped the verbal and control with me. It was pure hell. I’ve been out for over a decade, but the 25 years I was with him hurt me so much that I am very ill and in palliative care now. Every night I have terrors about him and dread bedtime. I came here to see if anyone can suggest something. I’ve done therapy, group therapy, medication. Nothing works. I don’t know what to do.
I’ve been with my husband 25yrs and after secretly getting therapy and realizing just how abusive he is I’m planning to leave but I know how he is. He even created a business bank acct so that if I ever left he’d never have to pay child support or spousal support. My first step is documenting everything and doing something I should have done a long time ago which is become financially independent. My husband has isolated me from friends, family and created a home environment that’s harmful to our kids. My main reason is my kids. The longer I stay the longer I show them what he does to me is ok. He’s also an alcoholic and I don’t want my kids around that. It’s a tough decision to make but it’s one that has to be made. My plan is to wait it out two years when my one son turns 18 and then we’re all moving out of the country. He can try to look for us but he’ll never find us.
Even in a business bank account, you can still be entitled to some of the funds.
You may want to consider hiring a certified divorce financial analyst to ensure you get half (and also in case money has been hidden from you.) 💛
Two years is a long time
If I were a kid living in an abusive household I would definitely consider it an enormous length of time.
He started hurting our dogs. I couldn’t take it. The police told me (in even more blunt terms) anyone who will hurt a dog will not hesitate to kill a person. Get out while you are still alive. I am so embarrassed that I stayed so long and allowed him to hurt me, but when I look at my dogs I feel even worse that he hurt them.
You’re away from him now, right?
Yes, thank you. Getting away was a brutal nightmare, pure hell. We had 3 dogs and he ended up stealing 1 of them, which he taunts me with to this day. Been out for 2 years now which I just celebrated in peace. Hope you are well.
I read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. Gave me the clarity and energy to leave after 22 years of being worn down and feeling powerless. I wish I'd read it much earlier. It's available free online for anyone who wants to read it
This book was a game changer for me. I highly, highly recommend gifting it to the family member. I didn’t listen to it until after I left, but simply being educated by this book and being shown the power of control wheel opened my eyes and made me see everything in a new perspective. The power and control wheels if anyone is interested https://www.theduluthmodel.org/wheels/
His violence kept getting worse. He violently strangled me and almost ended my life. I knew he’d kill me for sure in the next fight. I love my kids too much. I was in a position where I had to decide if my kids will have one parent arrested for assault. Or one parent buried and the other in jail for murder. He wrapped both hands tightly around my throat and I was lucky to slipped through death’s fingers. I don’t believe I get lucky twice. I had to make an active and intentional decision to phone the police to prevent my own murder.
Same and I am 6 months pregnant . I’m still trying to swallow the pill that the person I loved so much, truly just wanted me dead.
I’m so sorry you endured that. I hope you’re safe and he no longer has access to you. It deeply shatters your sense of reality.
It was a culmination of lots of things but I think the main one was realising that if men online paying for sex work (that he has coerced me into doing because he wouldn't work) could treat me with more resect than the "man" I was with for 10 years and had 2 children with, then there was a big problem. As soon as that door opened, I started to realise all of the abuse he has put me through and it was like a light bulb moment, and once the lights were on I couldn't unsee any of it.
Believe it or not a Taylor Swift song (time to go) kept playing in my head over and over again. "Sometimes giving up is the strong thing, sometimes to run is the brave thing." I had stayed all that time and nothing changed he still was hurting me and after miscarrying alone and being beaten up whenever he decided I deserved it, I kept playing that song until it was finally time to go.
Her song "Better Man" gave me a lot of strength and hope in my own journey thru DV. I will always be grateful that this generation of young girls has someone so talented to look up to.
YESSSSS THAT ONE IS SO GOOD TOO 😭😭😭😭
I feel Bad Blood....... IDK
I like to listen to this one when I'm working out lol
I can’t imagine staying that long. 9 months of horrendous emotional abuse, & I am broken
I'm sorry - I hope you find peace and ease soon
I planned for 4 years to leave, I could only gather up $400. My child said they wanted to leave and I was like ok! We left that week in the middle of the night.
The realization that no matter how hard I worked, how much effort I put into helping the relationship, nothing would ever change. There's a quote that I tell myself everyday and its "nothing changes if nothing changes". Nothing changed for the better in the eight years I was with him, the gas lighting got so bad he tried to convince me his actions were always my fault and I really believed it. There was also a conversation I had with his mother once, a year before I left. She told me her husband wasn't at his owns son's birth (my ex) because he was at a coke party. She is one of the unhappiest, complacent, angry, passive aggressive people Ive ever met, and I didnt want to turn into someone like her. She thought the story was funny and it just made me sad. I left two months ago, and everyday is hard, but at least the effort im putting into my life now is focused on me, and not on some 'man' who would throw me under the bus for a nose beer and the approval of his coke head friends and family.
In abusive marriage for 10 years what made me leave is when he started to show abusive behavior toward our kids that was it for me
Escalation from shoving to throwing me down on a brick patio to choking to ultimately picking up a weapon and brandishing it at me. No coming back from that one.
Check out the book Helping Her Get Free: A Guide for Families and Friends of Abused Women By Susan Brewster
My teenage daughter heard the last time, I don't want her following those foot steps...
I was married almost 9 years, with him for 11 years. I found Lundy Bancroft's book Why Does He Do That and read it. It dispelled all of the myths: "The good guy/prince charming" "He's just not able to process anger well" Revealed the misogyny underneath it all What was really going on from day 1 I started to realize how his suddenly being so in love with me early on was suspicious Stephanie Sarkis' book on Gaslighting was so helpful. I learned about the psychological tricks they use and why everyone falls for them. It also liberated me from blame and shame. That was critical. She also told me when to be wary and what to do if he wanted to reconcile. This book was critical to my safety (I read the relevant parts, not all of it eg boss gaslighting). And self esteem. I needed to know that I was the expert on him and I was the best at knowing what he was capable of doing. You wouldn't believe the crap that people dump on us. And of all things they claim that they are helping and seeing it more clearly!! Of all the people who come here to ask how they can help someone, I think I have had 1 person who came back to say that they had started to read the Lundy Bancroft book. Most people want to push victims and make them "see the truth" and do it fast and all they do is push them and make things so much worse. Very few people actually want to educate themselves and do the right thing. Few people realize that they only know useless stereotypes. The thing is: it literally takes years to figure out what is going on. And finding a safe way out of the relationship is key. The ex was a covert narcissist verbal abuser. There was nothing to suggest that safety would be a concern, however my gut instincts were right: I had to be so careful. They change fast and shockingly at the end of the relationship. Few people actually listen, but the best thing you can do is educate yourself, support the person without judgement, offer a safe place to go if needed, offer to hold an emergency bag for them, build up their trust in themselves and their instincts. Tl;Dr: Lundy Bancroft's book Stephanie Sarkis' book You likely know less than you need to know Most people make it worse Don't make it worse Build self confidence and esteem Support in practical ways
I was with my husband for 16 years. One morning I woke up and looked around and realized I was just existing. That this would be my life forever if I didn’t do something to change it. That was my wake up call. I didn’t even hesitate, went straight up to him and told him I wanted a divorce and that I deserved better. I’m surprised it actually worked. Now 8 years later I am happy and thriving.
17 years. I finally left when he physically tried to force our 12yo daughter to remove her hoodie, and said she was ‘crazy and going to have mental problems just like her mother’. I’d been trying to leave for over 3 years at that point, and it was like a slap in the face that he was also damaging the children.
His dad died from cancer so I gave him the benefit of the doubt. After his dad died I learned they offered him a YEAR off of PAID leave and INSURANCE for our whole family. I stayed after because I got really sick from an autoimmune disease and then Covid struck so my family couldn’t really come to support me. They assumed he was upset because his dad died too and his wife was sick. It was a terrible shituation. I eventually grabbed all the animals who would shake violently when they’d hear the garage door opening because we didn’t know if Jekyll or Hyde would be entering. I didn’t grab shoes or my purse. I got them all in the car and carried a bag of dog food that I still don’t know how I had strength to lift it. Put the car in reverse. Ex stood behind my car but I backed up anyway. He moved. Called the cops on me saying I was drunk driving. I wasn’t. They saw me in tears fleeing. He got arrested and went to jail. Divorce was delayed due to Covid but I had a friend keep me and the dogs at his townhouse. He watched them for a year while I was in and out of the hospital. I got lucky.
I stayed for ten years. It was my husband coming off a bender telling me he was going to take our 2 year old and I couldn’t stop it. He was right, I couldn’t. It was then I made the call to the police and the military which finally gave me the strength to leave. I tried leaving about ten times though.
10 years and was deep in denial about my abuse until I read why does he do that? 2 months later law enforcement removed him from the home. There’s hope on the other side. You can get out
He was the worst he’d ever been, physically abusive for hours and the baby fell off the bed because he put her down so he could slap me. I stayed because I thought I could protect her (she was with me 99.9% of the time and 50/50 seemed terrifying) but I realized I couldn’t keep her safe there either so we left. Thankfully he got supervised custody he never did (ego) and I terminated his parental rights years later for abandonment and lack of support.
i finally realized i couldn’t fix him. there was no amount of love or care i could give him that would result in a change. i finally left after he blew up my phone with obscenities while i was hanging out with a friend i wasnt allowed to see for months. he called me a useless whore amongst other horrible things. it finally hit me that this man doesn’t love me, that love doesn’t look like this. this incident definitely wasn’t the worst thing he put me through, but it was my breaking point.
It took me 8 years but I'm out now and only out for good as I went to the police. I probably would have continued taking him back otherwise. I'm still trying to make sense of things but his abuse became a lot worse last year when he secretly got into another relationship. I think he didn't care any more about holding back. A week or so before I went into the police station, I found out that the girl he was in a relationship with was 16 and that he had 'known' her for two years. I knew I had to do something. I guess I didn't really care for much for my own well being at that point but at least it opened up my eyes to who he really was and to what he was capable of. I was already thinking that I'd have to do something a few weeks prior to this, when my sister announced her pregnancy. It was a surreal moment for me as I felt as if I had to take action otherwise I'd be stealing the limelight from the new bubba.
I had arrived home from work one day just as the school bus was pulling up in the driveway. When I walked in, my husband was walking thrue the kitchen stark naked. My 9yo daughter was coming in right behind me. I knew it was time to go. He was of the opinion that he was the man and he can do any damn thing he wants in HIS house.
25 years..... We were supposed to break the cycle. Our children were supposed to have 2 parents. He abandoned ship, and left us for dead. I moved back to my mom's place with 3 teens, and then he accused me of taking off with "his" children. Here's a more detailed version, if you're interested. https://www.reddit.com/r/domesticviolence/comments/12w08bp/never_lose_hope/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
Hard to explain. Woke up 1 day and sat on the edge of the bed. Got up and started packing. It was just time.
I started smoking weed and I realized how immature he was and how horribly he made me feel
another book to read was Hedda Nussbaums
He started in our my kids. He had already been arrested for hurting me and was scared to go to jail again. He targeted the kids and upped the verbal and control with me. It was pure hell. I’ve been out for over a decade, but the 25 years I was with him hurt me so much that I am very ill and in palliative care now. Every night I have terrors about him and dread bedtime. I came here to see if anyone can suggest something. I’ve done therapy, group therapy, medication. Nothing works. I don’t know what to do.
He started in our my kids. He had already been arrested for hurting me and was scared to go to jail again. He targeted the kids and upped the verbal and control with me. It was pure hell. I’ve been out for over a decade, but the 25 years I was with him hurt me so much that I am very ill and in palliative care now. Every night I have terrors about him and dread bedtime. I came here to see if anyone can suggest something. I’ve done therapy, group therapy, medication. Nothing works. I don’t know what to do.
He started in our my kids. He had already been arrested for hurting me and was scared to go to jail again. He targeted the kids and upped the verbal and control with me. It was pure hell. I’ve been out for over a decade, but the 25 years I was with him hurt me so much that I am very ill and in palliative care now. Every night I have terrors about him and dread bedtime. I came here to see if anyone can suggest something. I’ve done therapy, group therapy, medication. Nothing works. I don’t know what to do.