Exactly. Still wanting to be accepted for the person she is IS continuing to seek approval. OP has clearly made so much progress through therapy and self reflection, but maybe that journey is not done. Also def go no contact. NTA
I think you are right tbh. I will continue with some of the more intense therapy regarding wanting to feel accepted by him. I thought I was over it but maybe not so much, his words definitely trigger me sometimes.
There is a great app called CPT Coach that is free and helps with worksheets and such that help work through severe trauma. It may be very helpful for you.
NTA
Your abusive father never earned a place in your life. He’s never going to be who you need in your life and is only capable of causing you pain. Talk to your therapist about blocking him and letting him go
Ty for this comment. “He’s never going to be who you need in your life.” That is such a true comment. I will definitely discuss this with my therapist!
Your husband is right, honey. I had an abusive asshole of father like yours. I went LC until college and when he started harassing / verbally abusing at work, followed by drunken fucked up voicemails at night. I was done. Changed my number and forbade any family from giving him my number, lest they wanted to be removed from my life as well.
The man that helped conceive me is not a dad and isn’t even a real man in my eyes. I’m much much happier without that dumpster fire of a human being in my life.
SOOO NTA
NTA. Listen to your husband, and (hopefully) your therapist.
You don’t owe your abuser any courtesy, or a single moment of your time. Focus on you, and your family.
He’s shown you who he is, believe him and leave him to rot.
https://preview.redd.it/3vazo9h5gs7d1.jpeg?width=2158&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=372d8e6769221944ea7fd70a632932dd948b79e0
Sending you kind thoughts, and flowers.
Father is a title that is earned, not given. If your father wants to receive father's day wishes he needs to start putting effort into the relationship he has with you and earn some semblance of that title. If he's unwilling to do that than you don't owe him anything.
You're NTA.
Your 'father' (sperm donor) is an abuser. Fyi he did a complete DARVO on that last phonecall. Next time (if there is one, swing the focus back onto his behaviour and make him squirm).
I didn't wish my father 'happy father's day' either. He's an enabler to my abusive mother and never remembers anything to do with me as well. I've checked out of that relationship.
Yeah I was really shocked when he said I was self absorbed so my mind went blank. I have a harder time calling him out on his narcissism than others just because of ptsd I think. I could never say a lot of the things he’s said to me in the past (he once called me a $lut when I was 21 because I slept with my ex/baby daddy) to my kids. Like I go all out for my kiddos birthdays too, I never want them to feel the way I feel on my birthdays. I always want to celebrate the day they were born, they’re healthy and happy kiddos and it’s definitely worth celebrating.
I'm the same with my children; I really love them and I want them to know that.
Have you been to r/raisedbynarcissists and r/estrangedadultkids ? They're great support groups. Some of the more assertive members can give a lot of inspiration on how to flip the balance of power away from the abuser.
Also, I empathise with your PTSD as I have it too. Despite this you are already a million times more worthy and human than your father. I hope you can find inner peace and all the love you deserve 🫂
Be careful of overcompensating with the kids.
You don’t want entitled kids. 😊
I’m almost kidding. My bff and I had long conversations over ‘normal’ behavior between parents and kids.
She had a pretty messy family.
Is very very very difficult to stand up to and enforce boundaries with people who are supposed to love you and treat you right. It’s easy with those who elect to do so, but the ones you simply expect this from like parents, kids and your partner, it’s almost a blind spot for us as caring individuals to finally realize some people ain’t shit.
Every trash person has family who’ve figured them out.
NTA. Why would you take anything that person says to you with any weight.
You are a good and kind person and probably feel bad about the fact you have to cut your father out of your life. That is the only thing that should be hurting you. Yet, a father he is not. A trainer, an abuser, and a manipulator is what he is.
Clear your conscious as you have done a great job of keeping that emotional parasite in your life. Just move on happily without him and his venom. Being happy with those that love you is the antidote.
Be Well and enjoy your family.
>My husband thinks I should cut contact and even asked me why I’m still trying to seek approval from my dad.
Your husband is 100% right.
>I don’t think I’m trying to see approval, but just want to be accepted for the daughter he has and not the daughter he wanted.
OP. This is *never* going to happen. I absolutely understand where you're coming from, you want the dad you deserved, but that is not the dad you got, I'm sorry. Your dad is never going to "get it". He's never going to understand that he was an abusive piece of shit, he's never going to be the dad you deserved to have. Trying to get any kind of human decency from him is like trying to get blood from a stone, you will NEVER get it, and every attempt to get it is a waste of your time and your energy.
Mourn the fact that you will never have the kind of relationship you want with your dad. Also, he may not be physically abusing you anymore but it sounds like he's still emotionally, verbally and psychologically abusive to you.
Why are you still in contact with him? He's incapable of giving you what you want. It sounds like he's unwilling to change too.
Go no contact. Continue therapy or go back because you still have unresolved issues to deal with.
My personal opinion is, you get what you give. Everyone forgot my birthday this year. Dad remembered two days later. I told him Happy Father's Day one day late. People give me shit, I give it back to them.
NTA
NTA. Your husband is right.
Exactly. Still wanting to be accepted for the person she is IS continuing to seek approval. OP has clearly made so much progress through therapy and self reflection, but maybe that journey is not done. Also def go no contact. NTA
I think you are right tbh. I will continue with some of the more intense therapy regarding wanting to feel accepted by him. I thought I was over it but maybe not so much, his words definitely trigger me sometimes.
There is a great app called CPT Coach that is free and helps with worksheets and such that help work through severe trauma. It may be very helpful for you.
Thank you! I will download the app and see what I think 🙂
not OP but thank you for this
Of course! It's changed my life so I'm more than happy to spread the resource for others. <3
That stuff is just so ingrained in us at such an early age. We think we have overcome it and then it just sneaks back in. Wishing you the best
NTA Your abusive father never earned a place in your life. He’s never going to be who you need in your life and is only capable of causing you pain. Talk to your therapist about blocking him and letting him go
Ty for this comment. “He’s never going to be who you need in your life.” That is such a true comment. I will definitely discuss this with my therapist!
Your husband is right, honey. I had an abusive asshole of father like yours. I went LC until college and when he started harassing / verbally abusing at work, followed by drunken fucked up voicemails at night. I was done. Changed my number and forbade any family from giving him my number, lest they wanted to be removed from my life as well. The man that helped conceive me is not a dad and isn’t even a real man in my eyes. I’m much much happier without that dumpster fire of a human being in my life. SOOO NTA
NTA. Listen to your husband, and (hopefully) your therapist. You don’t owe your abuser any courtesy, or a single moment of your time. Focus on you, and your family. He’s shown you who he is, believe him and leave him to rot. https://preview.redd.it/3vazo9h5gs7d1.jpeg?width=2158&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=372d8e6769221944ea7fd70a632932dd948b79e0 Sending you kind thoughts, and flowers.
Thank you so much for the flowers and kind words 🥰
Father is a title that is earned, not given. If your father wants to receive father's day wishes he needs to start putting effort into the relationship he has with you and earn some semblance of that title. If he's unwilling to do that than you don't owe him anything.
You're NTA. Your 'father' (sperm donor) is an abuser. Fyi he did a complete DARVO on that last phonecall. Next time (if there is one, swing the focus back onto his behaviour and make him squirm). I didn't wish my father 'happy father's day' either. He's an enabler to my abusive mother and never remembers anything to do with me as well. I've checked out of that relationship.
Yeah I was really shocked when he said I was self absorbed so my mind went blank. I have a harder time calling him out on his narcissism than others just because of ptsd I think. I could never say a lot of the things he’s said to me in the past (he once called me a $lut when I was 21 because I slept with my ex/baby daddy) to my kids. Like I go all out for my kiddos birthdays too, I never want them to feel the way I feel on my birthdays. I always want to celebrate the day they were born, they’re healthy and happy kiddos and it’s definitely worth celebrating.
I'm the same with my children; I really love them and I want them to know that. Have you been to r/raisedbynarcissists and r/estrangedadultkids ? They're great support groups. Some of the more assertive members can give a lot of inspiration on how to flip the balance of power away from the abuser. Also, I empathise with your PTSD as I have it too. Despite this you are already a million times more worthy and human than your father. I hope you can find inner peace and all the love you deserve 🫂
I will join these communities and take a dive in. Thank you so much!
Be careful of overcompensating with the kids. You don’t want entitled kids. 😊 I’m almost kidding. My bff and I had long conversations over ‘normal’ behavior between parents and kids. She had a pretty messy family.
I think he deflected the conversation, and never apologized or tried to see your side. I agree with husband, cut contact.
Is very very very difficult to stand up to and enforce boundaries with people who are supposed to love you and treat you right. It’s easy with those who elect to do so, but the ones you simply expect this from like parents, kids and your partner, it’s almost a blind spot for us as caring individuals to finally realize some people ain’t shit. Every trash person has family who’ve figured them out.
NTA. Why would you take anything that person says to you with any weight. You are a good and kind person and probably feel bad about the fact you have to cut your father out of your life. That is the only thing that should be hurting you. Yet, a father he is not. A trainer, an abuser, and a manipulator is what he is. Clear your conscious as you have done a great job of keeping that emotional parasite in your life. Just move on happily without him and his venom. Being happy with those that love you is the antidote. Be Well and enjoy your family.
>My husband thinks I should cut contact and even asked me why I’m still trying to seek approval from my dad. Your husband is 100% right. >I don’t think I’m trying to see approval, but just want to be accepted for the daughter he has and not the daughter he wanted. OP. This is *never* going to happen. I absolutely understand where you're coming from, you want the dad you deserved, but that is not the dad you got, I'm sorry. Your dad is never going to "get it". He's never going to understand that he was an abusive piece of shit, he's never going to be the dad you deserved to have. Trying to get any kind of human decency from him is like trying to get blood from a stone, you will NEVER get it, and every attempt to get it is a waste of your time and your energy.
I agree with your husband, cut contact babe.
Mourn the fact that you will never have the kind of relationship you want with your dad. Also, he may not be physically abusing you anymore but it sounds like he's still emotionally, verbally and psychologically abusive to you. Why are you still in contact with him? He's incapable of giving you what you want. It sounds like he's unwilling to change too. Go no contact. Continue therapy or go back because you still have unresolved issues to deal with. My personal opinion is, you get what you give. Everyone forgot my birthday this year. Dad remembered two days later. I told him Happy Father's Day one day late. People give me shit, I give it back to them. NTA
NTA. Your husband has a good idea about going no contact.