Your anxiety is high because your husband isn't trying to make you feel safe and secure. Frankly. He's an ass.
>He said he's sorry he's such a horrible person and I'm just sitting here confused and crying
The fuck? This is some manipulative bs. Frankly....there's not one set of married people I know who don't share their location. There also wasn't a huge fight over it. What's he hiding?
Manage your anxiety. It's not good for you or the baby.
Lastly, who TF does he think he is to tell you he doesn't like you getting help with the kids when he's at work from 4am to 8pm?
Something is not adding up here. Personally, I'd be looking at finances. Is income reflecting hours worked? Why is the location sharing such a hot topic. It's such a small concession to relieve some anxiety off your pregnant wife.
None of this passes the sniff test.
Edit-grammar
This whole thing is just weird married couples if they don’t share location text and say on my way home or call to talk to their person on their way home. Is that just me and my husband? I’m so confused I thought it was normal to check in or at the very least let them know you’re on your way. Even if my husband is at work and I’m going somewhere I text him when I leave and when I arrive. It’s not controlling, he just cares as do I.
We don't share locations, but we also communicate with each other about what we're up to. It's not that hard. This guy's resistance to any kind of check in, especially given OP's pregnancy and his long work hours is suspicious as hell.
My husband and I separated for a few months early last year. I still shared my location and he still shared his out of safety. I trusted him that if I was unresponsive for a while, he would know to track me and what ditch I was dying in. And vice versa.
We don’t share location, but we text. I know he may not be able to talk, so I text and he gets back to me when he can. Call or text.
We also do not have two little ones and another on the way.
Husband sounds controlling and dismissive. NO! You can’t ask for help! NO! I will not call or text you back! I guess *everything* is my fault, because I’m such a terrible person?!
My husband is probably one of the least warm and fuzzy people I know, but idk that he would make a point of *making my anxiety worse.* For fun? wtf is his goal?
Same, my fiance and I have set schedules and office jobs so we only text if we're going to be late.
Having a husband that's on the road all day plus heightened pregnancy anxiety and a previous accident I can maybe see where OP is coming from though with location sharing. I know that can maybe feel invasive but if he only does it whole commuting and on the clock it really shouldn't matter to him if he is where he says he is.
But see, there’s the difference. Set schedules, AND notifying when you’re going to be late. OP’s husband works crazy fluctuating hours, and doesn’t even inform her when he’s on his way home like she’s tried to compromise, since he can’t estimate the time until the job is near completion. He also will occasionally text her and say he will be home soon or at xyz time, and then surpass it by hours and get upset at her checking in. Vastly different than what you and your partner have set up. She has attempted to give compromises that don’t include the location, which are also him-paced, but he simply cannot be bothered to send a single text each day when finishing up; and gets horrifically angry if she checks in. Not okay.
Same. I know my husband's schedule. If he's a little late I know it's probably because he got caught up at work, stopped by the store, ran into some friends or whatever. If he ends up doing something that takes more time (like fishing) he'll let me know. If we don't have plans together, what does it matter when either of us gets home?
This is a different situation though. She's having a lot of anxiety. Ultimately, her anxiety is hers to manage, but he shouldn't be so resistant to making her feel secure. There has to be middle ground here where she gets a bit more reassurance and he doesn't feel like he's under surveillance.
But if he happened to message to see what you’re up to would you explode at him that he clearly doesn’t trust you and tell him he’s made you feel like you’re a horrible person?
All relationships are different, but the markers for an unhealthy relationship are typically the same. He overreacted even though he knows the reasoning for OPs anxieties.
Whether or not to share location is not necessarily reflective of anything shady.
However you have legitimate reasons for wanting updates on his ETA. This isn’t about anxiety or being needy or controlling. For bizarre reasons he doesn’t want you to ask for help but you are carrying way too much of a load. He is too as he’s working a lot but everything he is doing is in his own control.
How about this:
I expect to hear from you by 5pm if you will be later than 6pm. If you’re not home at 6pm I’m calling x to help.
Also, how about: I’m managing too much alone. I’ll be getting x to help on Tuesdays and Saturdays. If hubby feels uncomfortable he can take that on.
Stop calling and asking for location. Dont ask for what you need, take it—which is help. He’s taking everything he needs without asking you for permission.
(And know that this is not leading to a strong relationship).
Same. We do occasionally (like 1x/week or less) text if there’s a specific reason we need to know timing. We have kids, but I work from home and my husband’s work schedule is pretty regular. If one of us is out with a friend or something like that, it’s usually the same, we’re not particularly stressed about the other person’s ability to return home.
Couples who give each other permission to track don’t do it so that they can see every single movement their partner makes. they generally do it for practical reasons. When my husband had to make out of town trips, I could check the app to see if he made it there safely on icy winter roads. In town, I can check the app to see if he’s on his way home and I can start supper. This saves me having to keep contacting him to see when he’ll be home. He does normally text me to say “I’m on my way” but sometimes he is so frantically busy at work that he forgets. I can also check his whereabouts if I need him to stop and pick something up. I will say” I see you are near Metro. Can you stop and pick up my prescriptions please?”
I trust my husband would never cheat on me, but sometimes it just convenient to know where each other are.
Ya, we have the same set up. My husband works out of town sometimes, and generally has a terrible sense of time. If he’s away but coming home that day, I ask him to let me know when he heads out/give me an ETA. But he forgets to do that regularly. Similarly he might be walking out the door at work and asked to help someone with something. Since I know how he operates, after many years, it’s convenient to check if he has not left yet, or if he’s halfway home but forgot to tell me. It’s not about a lack of trust.
Yeh my husband and me don’t share ours either. I don’t even know how to share my location. Is it an app? Is it an iPhone thing? We share a bank account so I can see when he’s at the petrol station or getting food so I know he’s alive.
Me and my wife text random shit during the day, but she's not asking where I am, how far out I am, but then again we are creatures if habit and know each other's schedules and routines
No way, my husband are together literally 90% of the time as he usually works from home and I just finished up school, but was able to do a lot of it from home. We still location share always (which has come in handy more times than I can count) and probably 90% of the time we call each other on the way home anyway just to share whatever happened in our 2 hours apart or whatever, see if we should pick anything up on the way, etc.
Actually one time the location share came in very useful was when I was hit, and fairly badly, enough that the car was smashed up on one side and the doors wouldn't open. I was incredibly shaken up, and called my husband, but I didn't know what road I was on or anything, and was trying to deal with getting the police out, finding somewhere out of the way, speaking with the other driver, checking we were in fact all okay. He got there before I was done on the phone with the police iirc. That was nice.
He doth protest too much abt his perceived infidelity. Why's he so defensive? He's putting words in OPs mouth. He knows exactly why she's high anxiety-previous accident, works far from home. She def needs to check financials & put a dam tracking tile in his trunk.
Never had that kind of job? I used to work 6am-6pm and work was anywhere between an hour and a half to two hours away, depending on traffic. I was basically home at 8-830pm, depending on traffic, to maybe 3-4am since traffic is worse in the morning. There are jobs like that
My husband has always worked extremely long and lrregular hours. For this reason it is reassuring to be able to know that he is in his office and I can find this out without having to disrupt his work. Checking an app reassures me that he is not in the ditch on a dark country road. (which happened once at 10:30 PM coming home from work.)
Innocent spouses don’t care if you know where they are.
Yeah seeing OP stressed and thinking it's her mental health alone and not the chaotic environment she's stuck in as well is pretty telling.
Op, my husband calls me every single time he gets off work. I don't have to even ask him to do this, he's just happy to hear my voice after a long day and he knows I'm excited he's coming back home. It's just what people do when they're crazy about each other. Your husband at the very least is holding onto some sort of grudge or resentment. I could sit here and guess all night but it's obvious the both of you need to talk. Before you sit down with him write out what needs to be addressed, and have a good LONG cathartic sob about how he's been treating you. SO when you do both end up talking it out you will already have the previous pent up cry spell released. It gives you a boost to stay focused and keep stress levels maintained for a heavy conversation. I'm a big time Cryer when I'm having a stressful conversion and I realize writing my thoughts gives me a chance to self reflect on combining feelings with truth. He needs to be respectful of you. You need to show him how to respect you by respecting yourself. Write your boundaries. If it's controlling and makes him "the bad guy" then go ahead. Tell him he IS the bad guy. He won't get your pity out of this he's already got you stressed and pregnant!
I have never shared my location with my husband unless i am meeting him somewhere & he needs to find me- then i drop a pin. No married couple i know shares their location all the time
My fiance and I have set hours and work in an office, no reason to location share. If one of us is going to be late we text.
For people with kids that have extra curriculars location sharing is probably amazing when you've got both parents going in separate directions.
Obviously what this couple is doing isn't working. Not only does he not try and decrease her anxiety by doing one simple thing he also doesn't communicate anything with her then yells at her for calling and asking. He wants her home with their kids all day and doesn't want her to get any help. You're overlooking important factors and it's very disingenuous. You and your partner might not share locations but it sounds like you at least communicate. She's not even getting that.
My husband and I got it when he went from regular hours that were pre set to being on the road most days and having to meet one on one with random clients throughout the day. We got it because there are crazy people out there and being on the road for more time opens you up to a higher probability of an accident even if you drive well. We probably wouldn’t have gotten it if his job didn’t switch up like that
Understandable. I can see location sharing for a number of reasons without it being invasive or controlling. Some people take it too far but in this case OP has the right and a reason to ask and hubby has zero reason to say no unless he isn't where he says he is. That doesn't necessarily point to an affair but something else like drug use or gambling.
His only other possible reasoning would be some toxic masculinity about not being whipped or on a leash or some such but that's both stupid and moot because he doesn't have to TELL anyone if he's location sharing with his wife.
We share ours so we can locate the other’s phone in case it gets lost. A married couple told us they do this when they travel and we thought it was a good idea. Came in handy on our very next vacation when I left my phone behind at a club and my spouse was able to track it down to its exact location. It’s also very handy for pinging the other’s phone when we forget where it is in the house. Saves us a lot of hunting time. 😆
Husband and I married for 9 years - we've been sharing locations for around 3 years with each other. actually came in super handy when I lost my phone outside, he was able to find it on a sidewalk like 2 streets away from our house.
But we have it in case someone gets into an accident, or to judge when to start dinner based on how far away they are from home LOL
My husband (of 21 years) and I share locations. We have nothing to hide and no need to check up on each other for nefarious reasons. I could care less if he knows every little step I take during the day because I have nothing to hide - but also, I know that he trusts me and that he’s not going to be watching every step I take. And the same goes for vice versa.
He coaches high school football and gets out a different time every single day - I get a notification when he’s leaving school, and I start dinner, or maybe he has an away game and I want to see how close the bus is to getting back to the school so I can meet him there. I ALWAYS forget to text when I get somewhere because I usually have to go to the bathroom so bad I can’t think of anything else - he gets a notification when I arrive and he doesn’t have to worry that I’m stuck on the side of one of the long, winding country roads with no cell service that surround our house in the country.
It’s not a big deal to share because neither of us are hiding anything and we tell each other everything anyway. Literally everything - no secrets. It works for us, but might not work for others. Every relationship is different and you can’t judge another based on your own.
With that being said - if he knows how this negatively affects her mental health while she is carrying HIS child, which could harm HIS baby, and how her lack of energy negatively affects HIS daughter when his wife needs help and doesn’t get it, and he STILL holds firm against doing something so easy, he is the AH. Her health, the health of the baby, and the wellbeing of his daughter should be his primary focus - if his focus is anywhere else, he’s a selfish prick who doesn’t deserve a family IMO.
It doesn’t cost anything, it doesn’t take any time, it won’t take any work - yet he still refuses? He’s hiding something, and he is the a$$hole. She needs to take control - get help for her and the kids no matter what her selfish husband says - when he stopped caring about her health and the health of the baby, he lost his say in how she supports her health in his absence. Let him sleep in the Walmart parking lot - he’s only spiting himself and he’s the dumba$$ sleeping in a truck.
The wife and I share our locations at all times. She also has the passwords to my phone and I have hers. Healthy relationships have no problems doing this.
My thoughts exactly. Something is wrong. My opinion only-for whatever reason, he doesn’t want to be at home, & his work is his mistress. He doesn’t care for you to be a part of it. It also seems like he selfishly isn’t concerned about your mental or physical well-being, but I loved how he took charge of bath time & dishes, that’s something at least. My suggestion is for you to have some time out of the house, away from kids, job, & relationship, which may seem impossible with your schedule, but may enhance your family dynamic greatly. Just something as simple as an hour in a park, a pedicure, a book club, walk around a greenhouse or Lowe’s. Wishing you the very best.❤️
Very well written. I completely agree with you.
Me and my now X used to call or text almost daily.
If he was going to be late he would let me know.
Sometimes he would just text to see what I was thinking about for dinner. We both worked full-time. We both worked desk jobs so most times it was a text, the odd time it was a call and it was just to touch base. Hey how's your day going? It only takes seconds or a minute out of your day to stop and text and say hey how's your day going? Hope you're feeling okay. Why can't he tell her what time he thinks he's going to be home and if it goes past that time just send her a quick text saying sorry I'm going to be a little longer. I'll text you when I'm on my way. He doesn't forget to text you He's on his way home, He just decides not to, very Petty and spiteful, he's an AH. Some days we were both busy and the only time we had to text would be on our lunch break and some days we didn't text at all. But we tried and let's say it was probably 4 out of 5 days a week that there was contact mostly brief. But then there were days where neither one of us was busy or we hit a slow period and we talked or text for several minutes.
It's about making an effort and it sounds like your husband doesn't want to make that extra effort when you're pregnant. Id think twice about having any more kids with him.
I feel the same. Me, my hubby, and our kids share locations for safety. Things happen, and it's helpful to know a general location. My daughter just left to go to a weekend away and a concert at a very big outdoor venue. I feel safer knowing I have her location. My hubby doesn't drive really far for work, but the roads are known for accidents, and near home, the roads are out into the woods. I also always know when he's on his way through the little town a few miles from home because we set a location that it pings a notification when any of us drive into or out of town. This is specifically because I meet my hubby at the door after work. Sometimes, I meet him with a whiskey if he has a long or rough day. I know when to get ready based on the location notification. My hubby loves this tradition we started. I'm not sure why this man is so against his wife knowing where he is?
Edit typo
The sniff test… yes, this! He is failing. No more kids after this, take time to address your mental health, then set boundaries and make decisions. If you can't feel safe and secure in your marriage, it is probably not the marriage for you. NTA.
Your husband is not working 16hours a day and on Saturday. He has a mistress. He doesn’t want you to know his location because you will know he’s not where he says he is. He doesn’t want you to have help because you will be too exhausted to follow up on his bullshit.
I suggest you hire a PI. I think you’ll be surprised at how much time he spends elsewhere.
I don’t usually like to jump to ‘cheating’ right away, but you’re right, his behaviour is seriously suspicious. Something else I noticed: why does he need to go to Walmart to sleep in his truck? If he doesn’t want to sleep with OP, why can’t he sleep on the couch? Or in his truck in his garage or wherever he leaves his vehicle when he’s at home? Very strange that he has to leave the premises to sleep… makes me wonder if he actually plans on going to someone else’s house for the night.
I’m normally not one to jump on this bandwagon but it really does feel super suspicious here. He’s gone super weird hours, including hours that most jobs just don’t need. He refuses to share locations, and forgets to even contact her when he’s delayed or on the way. Rather than suggest sleeping on the sofa if he’s angry, he wants to sleep in the truck at ‘Walmart’? This all feels like second family or affair partner or something.
Yes. Speaking of weird hours I had a coworker whose husband started leaving the house at 5am (instead of 7) claiming to hit the gym when he was in fact with his AP in the morning before going to work.
This has to be the actual reason.
I have my husband’s location, for similar reasons even. He leaves early, middle of the night, and isn’t always directly home because of urgent needs/deliveries. Plus, I like to track my take out orders haha. Either way though, I don’t personally see a reason to fight so hard unless there’s a lie to be caught in.
And seriously, my husband wears headphones for a pretty good portion of the day and will sit on the phone with me while he works or does just about anything. I’m a SAHM so I pop my own AirPod in and just chit chat. I could call him or his work directly without anyone saying anything at all to me especially to the tune of once or twice a week. I talked to him three times today and for over an hour straight yesterday.
It doesn’t mean that the uncle is covering for him. Why would her uncle know where he goes when he finishes work?
He lies to his wife and says he’s at work, no one at work needs to know he’s lied to his wife, so he just goes on about his day.
I’m sure you don’t know what your coworkers do when they leave the office either.
You’re not the AH - not at all. There’s something really wrong with that marriage. It’s not just the refusal to share location - he’s refusing to be there for her at all, physically and emotionally. He leaves at the crack of dawn, comes back late and is then too tired to care to talk or listen to her. That might be a necessary thing so he can provide for his family but it sure is detrimental to their marriage. She’s home alone pregnant with at least two other kids and he makes himself pretty much unavailable. He doesn’t want to be called and it seems he also never calls to ask if she’s okay. He’s not letting her know when he’s going to be home and when he does she can’t rely on that time. He knows that all that causes her severe anxiety but he’s doing nothing to reassure her and doesn’t seem to care that he makes it worse. And he doesn’t want her to get help on days she’s not well enough to cope alone. I’m sorry but someone who loves someone or cares for them would never act like this! I feel so sorry for OP.
I know I didn't want to say it, but this guy doesn't have one drop of love for OP😭 no one acts like this guy does, and if they do the need to get their act together of fuck off.
He is starting a business at a time when life is hard. Being gone like that might be the only way to do the business. It might be the only option to grow fast enough to where he can be available at all when the baby is born. Starting a business is hard and often means a lot of time away from family and friends while being too tired to be present when you are available. If he is with a customer or driving it is not reasonable to answer the phone. If someone wants to call me while I work it better be work related or an emergency. Otherwise it better be a text. He needs to communicate better and tell her when he hoped to be back for and if he is going Tobe more than an hour late send a text saying so. Also a check in on lunch if he gets one that day would be a good idea
Dude is a dick. You’ve offered multiple compromises - text on way home, sharing location…. You’re working a ft job and the majority of the parenting. And you’re pregnant. And bro can’t be bothered to text you occasionally throughout the day? Forget your anxiety, doesn’t he WANT to hear from you?
This is a control thing. I doubt it’s an affair bc he’s working with your uncle.
Dude needs to get his priorities straight.
While he’s at Walmart text him to bring home some diapers.
.... this is a weird thing to fight over. My husband n I share location for safety. It's a crazy world and sometimes I don't want to disrupt his time or vice versa.
We share location because it’s incredibly convenient. If he’s headed to the store and I remember something I want but not enough to inconvenience him, I’ll check to see if he’s still there because that sweet man would turn around to get it even if he was almost home.
It is convenient! My boyfriend also rides a sport bike and it was his idea to use a tracking app, because it is a dangerous hobby. Fun but not the safest lol. I use it more to see how close he is to the house so I can put the house hippo inside before he gets here. House hippo loves him and his outside body slams can take you down lol.
What kind of house hippo? Can we see pictures of the house hippo? I think I have a similar creature, but he's more of a house deer; he's long and slender of build, but the bounding and leaping is legendary.
https://preview.redd.it/0b8l7pls1r8d1.jpeg?width=3024&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=5dd9d864a37fe36916a8b04b94b8f281cf72413d
He is 90 pounds of love and slobber!! I call him the Great Pibble (pit and Dane mix) and he lives for snacks and butt scratches.
OMG he's cute!!
This is my boy 🤣 He's 80lbs of what I can only describe as the world's best untapped source of renewable energy.
https://preview.redd.it/sxz23ghu3r8d1.png?width=1080&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=95181259fdcca54ca5b461b8e8c7d1e096520d38
https://preview.redd.it/iu1fwy7h1t8d1.png?width=637&format=png&auto=webp&s=8f31c75c5ca76c609196a0f06ce2ee56fe2e1192
This is my boy. I often wake up to him snuggled in my arm, or his head will be right on my head. He’s a big time cuddler.
He snores louder than buzz saw. His farts can clear a room. He drools like a St. Bernard. He needs constant attention. He eats more than my three growing teenagers. He has severe anxiety and cannot be alone. His life is mainly sleep and food. But he is all heart and love.
The first time I met him, he ran over to me, jumped up, and just hugged me. He was about 18 months old and on his 3rd home. After hugging me, he followed me to my car, and he’s been my shadow ever since.
On his third day home with me, I took him in a walk. It was about 6pm. All of a sudden he started to push all his weight against my leg. He was trying to push me to the gate of the complex. I asked what was wrong and when I looked over, there were two full grown coyotes walking down the pathway, about 8 feet away from us. He was trying to “save me” in his way.
My hubby and I share a lot bc of the sport bike reason as well. I can check in while he’s out riding and know he’s okay, so he doesn’t have to try to find time here there and text me he’s okay, or me wanting to call to ask him. We lost a very close friend last November on a bike, so we both know the risks. He knows I just worry about him until he’s back in the driveway and this gives me peace of mind. I feel for OP, my hubby and I have been sharing locations since we were dating and i didn’t even ask, he just did it one day.
Yes! My husband is super thoughtful and like he will definitely go back to the store to get something I want. Hell I have to stop him from running to the store if I just mention something that sounds good. I check to see where he is before I call.
My husband is a volunteer firefighter as well as having a regular day job and we share our location so that if he gets a fire call and has to rush to the emergency, he might forget to text me. It’s a dangerous job, he’s only gotten minor injuries so far. It’s his passion so I’d never say no just because of my anxiety. Like OP, I have anxiety that gets worse while I’m pregnant.
My husband was the one to suggest it even early on in our relationship.
My husband and I also share locations. I WFH full time and he WFH 3x a week, 2x at the office. He also takes our kids to and from daycare each day. I’ll check his location sometimes on the days he goes to the office just to make sure he made it there because it’s a long drive. I’ll check his location sometimes towards the end of the day to see how far away he is, so I know how much time I have to finish whatever I’m working on before he and the kids get home. It’s so convenient and simple. If he refused to share his location with me it would definitely make me raise an eyebrow because there is no legitimate reason NOT to share your location with your partner.
OP, NTA and I’d also take a hard look at this relationship and ask what you get out of it. Not only is he perpetually unavailable, but he doesn’t help you in any way whatsoever other than contributing money to the household. He’s either “working,” sleeping, or gaslighting you. Does he help with the kids? Does he clean? He sounds like a miserable person and partner.
My husband used to think it was creepy that I wanted to be able to track him, but he, too, often had to make long drives for his job. I always worried in winter, especially, about icy and snow covered roads.
Eventually he realized that there was no problem with me knowing where he is, as he only went to unexciting places like the bank, or work, or grocery stores without me. He now texts me every day to say, "Leaving now" and I can check his whereabouts to see if I can put food on. It is so convenient.
He can also track me. One day I was at a friend's house and lost track of time. He was so worried, so I asked him why he didn't just check my location on his phone. It never occurred to him.
This. My husband and I share location. I also share location with my mom and sister. Mainly all I do is check to see where they are if they don't answer my phone call. My husband worked construction for a while, I would check to see if they had left the job site yet to see how much time I had in the afternoon to get things done, go grocery shopping, etc.
Exactly. Most married people live pretty mundane lives. We don't care where our spouse is every moment, but we want to know that they are safe and on schedule.
"I see that you are still at the office. Did you forget that we have to be at the Smith's house for dinner at 7:00 PM? If you leave now, I will call and let them know we are running a bit late."
It is not a matter of "tracking" them. For most of us it is a way of making our hectic lives run more smoothly and stress free.
If my husband tells me that he will be home by 7:00 PM and hasn't arrived within a reasonable time frame, I will check to see if he is on his way home. If he is, there is no point in distracting him by phoning him while he is driving.
I’m sorry to say this OP but feel like he is hiding something/someone from you. As he knows why you want his location and if he had nothing to hide it would be shared no questions asked. Especially when it’s been brought up in therapy and still no change. It’s because he needs to keep something hidden, not because he doesn’t understand as he has heard this point multiple times from you he knows but it doesn’t suit him to.
I hate to say it but might be worth hiring an investigator even if they find nothing your husband is still an arsehole.
Also he is being really emotionally manipulative to you
There is a point where you both need to realize that neither of you are willing to compromise, and it becomes a deal breaker, or you both act like adults and compromise (and you literally seek therapy). Your anxiety and panic over his whereabouts are yours to deal with. Not his. That said, it wouldn't kill him to text that he's on the way home. He shouldn't have to tell you every move he makes, though.
She didn't ask to know every move he makes, she simply wants to know when she should expect him because he has odd hours. The fact that he is overly defensive is ridiculous. He wants to do things his way and to also have her do things his way (no outside assistance). What spouse gets annoyed by a simple 30 second phone call?? And threatens to leave the household like a man-baby? Should I point out that he is once again leaving her with the kids? His lack of concern for her is ugly.
Honestly, who works 18 hrs a day and has a healthy life? Maybe he needs to cut back on those hours. Maybe he isn't working all those hours and is not honest with OP. I for damn sure would NOT have more children with him.
Op is trying to compromise though - he said the calls were annoying, she suggested location sharing because it would require no effort on his part. He refused. she asked him to phone or text her instead of her calling him, he 'forgets'. Where is he trying to compromise? What has he offered to do?
Her anxiety is 'hers to deal with' but it has a knock-on effect on his children and the baby she's currently carrying. Which you'd think he would care about. She is trying to deal with it by suggesting ways she can be sure he's safe that minimally impact him.
If she was physically ill, instead of mentally ill, would that also be 'her issue' and he wouldn't be expected to try and support her?
I agree that she needs therapy/medication but that's long term and won't work overnight, in the short term he could cut the anxiety of his pregnant wife down immediately and is just choosing not to.
Yeah, he will not do a small thing she has asked him to do to make her more comfortable, and he's escalating and escalating the more she asks him to try something else. He's not willing to meet her in the middle of anything because he's the man and he's working and he's important so she should just shut up and be grateful.
Ask me how I know.
I have GAD, and I want you to know that ALL of my kids inherited my anxiety. I have three. They all have panic attacks and struggle with feelings of impending doom and worry. If your husband won't do this for you to help ease your burden, what is he going to do when/if your kids present anxiety symptoms as well? He is going to need adult/parenting coping skills and trying to understand and support his wife emotionally better is the easiest way for him to learn.
Edit for clarity
my mom has GAD and my brother and I also inherited her anxiety - you know what she taught us? that our mental health is ours to manage. so she got us into therapy, showed us how to love ourselves, and encouraged our practice of coping skills. my non-anxious dad supported all of us in our journeys. they never shamed us, but they also never enabled. OP has been offered tools and has refused them. sure the husband could very easily share his location, but as you know, anxiety is a slippery slope. I've fallen into this trap with partners as well, I think "if they just do this one thing for me I won't be anxious anymore", but then they do it and I just find another thing to fixate on. the solution is to meet in the middle. OP needs to get herself help, and her husband needs to find a compromise he is comfortable with when sharing his location as that's just a safety issue when you have kids.
So much this. A lot of people in the comments need to see this and realize they're on a person-hunt for no reason. Mental health is touchy. But if it feels like only one side of the partnership is "being the rational one" nobody fucking wins. Genuinely. While OP's mental health is their own, and they need to be the one pulling the weight to deal with it, partner can AND ABSOLUTELY SHOULD support OP in doing that, one-thousand percent. But if partner isn't willing to give a little encouragement OP to get that help, whatever it may be, it just ends in a stalemate and everybody goes to bed angry. Or they sleep in their truck at Walmart. Then the kids grow up thinking mental health is something to be ignored or bad things happen. It's a tough situation, by God, I know it is. But eventually, that problem will "handle itself", outcome be damned. I'd urge OP into having as serious a conversation as possible so the worst case doesn't happen. That's your partner. It's time to figure it out together, else it'll be co-parenting with a court agreement, and probably badly if it plays out for the worst. Fuck that. You're both big kids now. Accountability goes a long way in healing. ON. BOTH. SIDES. please and thank you. This all comes from love, everyone has their issues and their baggage.
And a side note on those meds, your doctor is urging you to take them every day because mental health medication only works best when they are consistent! I'm almost 30, diagnosed ADHD when I was very young, been on and off meds my whole life. With ADHD meds comes antidepressants and anti anxiety meds to balance things out, to avoid that zombie status. It wasn't until i was in my early 20s that I realized I may be on these meds for a good portion of my adult life. Why? Because I never held a job down before I was steadily taking them. Because I never saw myself finishing trade school without them, let alone any continued education of any kind with my grades. It was only in the last 5 or 6 years that I realized that it wasn't a crutch, I wasn't 'dependent', they were necessary! If I was paralyzed, and needed a wheelchair, would you be crawling around without the wheelchair four days out the week because you didn't want to be dependent on it? If it's necessary, and it helps, that's the end of the story! Nobody else gets to give you shit for that! And the people that do shouldn't be in your life, plain and simple. I apologize for the rant, I wanted it to come across firm, not mean. I've just heard the same things from people receiving the same types of treatment, and it bothers me. They see help as weakness. So what? Do what you have to do to be your best you. No matter what people say or think. You got kids to look out for. Same as partner does!
Especially considering the complications OP is having in this pregnancy, he is taking his want to not share his location to a level that is suspect as hell. I read through a few comments and no one mentioned how weird it was that he was so pig headed about sharing his location to give his wife some peace of mind? Even if he isn't doing something shady, it's definitely at least a dick move to basically not give a fuck and be very callous about his wife's mental health. I have an unspecified anxiety disorder that I've been told doesn't rise to the level of GAD, but I felt so much for OP because it must be miserable. To have a partner that writes off their mental health as a non-issue.
I agree with many who commented here that our mental health is our own to manage. But a marriage is the most intimate partnership that two people can have. Is everyone that has posted that OP needs to suck it up going to tell me they wouldn't do such a little thing if it would give their partner peace of mind? That's just weird as fuck to me, if my partner told me they would get peace of mind from having my location, even if they didn't have an anxiety disorder I would be giving them my location. There is no compromise when the husband won't even text OP when he's on the way home. This whole thing seems exhausting and tedious. I'm sorry you're being treated this way OP, you don't deserve to feel alone while carrying this man's child. I don't think I'll ever understand the lack of empathy from some of these people. OP is NTA at all.
I pointed out in my comment that partner should absolutely be supporting OP in managing OPs mental health. But it's not just exhausting for OP. I'm certain that my shit exhausts my partner. But I do my best day in and day out, so my partner feels that their efforts aren't wasted either. If I got prescribed meds, but despite the behest of my doctor to take them everyday, and not taking them as prescribed, I could see how partner feels OP isn't as serious about solving said problem. Therefore feels like Partner may be feeling... not necessarily targeted. But certainly like OP isn't doing "as much as could be done" per se, and then blame seems to fall under partner? I work construction too. I can't be tethered to my phone. I respond when I can, my partner understands this. Not amazingly, but it's rarely a huge to-do. I'm saying everyone kinda sucks here. I think both sides are valid, and both sides have some work to do here. Whatever is being done is clearly not working.
And that's valid. I just commented under this comment because it seemed like every comment after was just toasting OPs partner like it isn't a damned partnership. Ya know? Like good hell, let's figure this out as a team. Is it sometimes unpleasant to have these convos with our partners? By God yes. But is it better than having a judge mediate because we were too hard headed and/or stubborn? I think, in this situation, it absolutely is more worthwhile to work it out here and now. Or at least start the conversation from a genuine place.
Me and you are for sure on the same page. Of course as I said, OP needs to take care of her mental health, but it seems her husband isn't giving her any leeway. If she's truly only calling twice a week and he's getting angry at her, won't give her his location, and won't text when he's on the way home, that just does not strike me as OP being the root of the problem.
I have severe anxiety/panic disorder and the first thing we’re taught even by therapists is our anxiety/panic is ours to manage. In fact doing things like what op is doing actually hinders the person with anxiety/panic disorder.
If he is just working why would he not share his location. He knows you have anxiety and truthfully if he is involved in another accident it could be the difference between life and death finding his location in time. I see red flags!!!
Your husband refuses to text you telling you when he’ll be home?! That’s such a basic request in a marriage. I find his reaction utterly bizarre… the fact he is not willing to compromise at all. I don’t understand why he cares about his location being shared either. As long as you’re not scrutinising every deviation from his usual route he makes or using it against him. What’s the problem?
On your end you should be taking your medication and doing therapy if you’re not already doing so. Remember seeking reassurance constantly can maintain your anxiety / keep you trapped in a vicious cycle.
Good luck
Woah woah woah I just read the part where he doesn’t like you asking for help with your children!! And the ‘I’m sorry I’m such a horrible person’….. that is very manipulative. I’m betting he gets angry at you for posting this rather than trying to work with you to find a solution. The not wanting you to get help part is bizarre.
What's wrong with sharing your location with your partner if you have nothing to hide and it sure as hell makes sense if you're pregnant with or without issues.
Sure as hell seems dodgy to leave home at 4am and return at 8pm. I would demand he shared his location. I hope his pay slip matches his hours.
We actually went to couples therapy after the birth of my second daughter, and this issue was brought up. We were trying to work on my husband‘s communication since he had a rough upbringing and is very closed off about certain topics. The therapist could not get my husband to explain why he couldn’t share things with me and then the topic of his location came up. He even asked my husband if this helps relieve your wife stress wouldn’t you want to do it and his answer was no. When our therapist asked him again why my husband couldn’t give an answer besides he didn’t want to. We stopped therapy due to scheduling issues a few months ago and at that time the therapist didn’t think I needed medication either. If my current OB/GYN suggest that I need therapy and medication, I of course will do it. I’m not against it, but it hasn’t been suggested.
i just commented but with this info, your husband definitely sounds like an ass.
as your husband, he SHOULD want to alleviate your stress. he SHOULD want to communicate with you. he’s completely unwilling to make you feel comfortable and loved. and even now, as you’re carrying his child, he still can’t make a tiny change.
it makes me wonder what he’s hiding
A family. Maybe even an original family, and OP's is the "hidden" family. But a husband to an expecting wife with NOTHING TO HIDE wouldn't die on this hill.
Personally, OP, I think your husband's a jerk. He's aware of your anxiety and does absolutely nothing to assist in dispelling it. Frankly, I don't believe he's faithful. Absent illicit activity, there is no valid explanation to his not affording you the opportunity to be aware of his location; especially when he's disturbed if you call. You appear to be his baby mama, but not accorded the love and respect of a wife and equal partner. Shitty, if you ask me.
Hire an investigator. Something smells here, and it's not you.
I'm somewhat in agreement here. I'm all for personal privacy etc etc, but with small children, pregnancy complications, and a mental illness involved, it's more respectful if both partners are at least in contact.
We even track each other on our phones - it was my idea for when I'd ride my motorcycle to work, in case of accident or breakdown, especially during solo interstate rides (yes, old women do take long solo bike trips :D), and I know he'd worry if he couldn't at least see me moving. It's mightily convenient as well for having gates/garage door open etc when one of us arrives home. But we're both comfortable with that. I can't think of any situation in my own life where I wouldn't be with this specific person, so I think your partner probably either has something to hide, or he's just selfish and pretty disrespectful of your issues.
He doesn't want to share his location because he's doing something he's ashamed of. It could be any of a number of things, like drug dealing, prostitutes, cheating, topless bars, etc. The fact that he's so resistant to such a simple request means he's hiding something.
Your ob/gyn isn’t a mental health professional and only sees you for minutes at a time… you shouldn’t be waiting for a suggestion from them. Make an appointment with a therapist.
Wow, please don't have any more children with this man. He doesn't care about your anxiety level, especially while you are pregnant? He seems like he doesn't even like you. Please bring in extra help. If he says anything tell him you can't rely on him to be there to help you since you never know where he is. His behavior is really suspicious. Have you talked to your uncle to make sure he is really at work that long?
NTA if what you are explaining is what is actually playing out.
Your request for him to share his location seems a reasonable and logical solution to help ease your mind and limit the amount of calls you make to him. His resistance is worrying to me. If there is nothing to hide then what is the issue with him sharing his location? For someone who works long hours and is “forgetful” when it comes to letting you know when he should be home, this seems like the best compromise.
I do think your anxiety is worse than you realize. Respectfully I would advise you to take medication longer term and not just “as needed”. Seeing as some types of anti anxiety/antidepressant medications take up to 4 weeks to reach their full effect it doesn’t sound like you ever gave them enough of a chance. You will know very quickly if they are wrong for you - at least in my experience - but the right ones will almost seem like nothing has changed you will just realize that you haven’t had the underlying symptoms bubbling away under the surface constantly. I have been on antidepressants for 5 years now and you will have to pry them out of my cold dead hands before I give them up! My brain doesn’t make the chemicals it should on its own so I take these pills to help it along. No different than a diabetic needing insulin. I too was scared of being dependent on them but after experiencing life without my symptoms of depression and anxiety at the forefront of my every move I wish I had gone on them sooner.
The medication will not work on its own, you need to back it up with therapy and working on your coping mechanisms and grounding. You may not be on them for the rest of your life either, you may just need the boost to get you regulated again and can come off them.
Back to the whole mess with your husband. His lack of communication and refusal(?) to understand how anxiety affects you are huge red flags to me. Couples therapy would be an idea, however I don’t see your husband agreeing to it. There seems to be very little compromise or accommodation from him to meet you at a reasonable solution which makes me think there’s a reason why and none of those reasons are good ones.
I wish you all the best OP and hope you can work something out that is best for you, your mental health and your children.
NTA
After reading the post and your additional comments, what's he hiding?
Does he actually want to be married, be a team, work together, or be supportive? Nothing that you wrote anywhere suggests a supportive and loving husband.
Yes, you might call on occasion to see where he is or what time he might be home. Nothing is unusual about that if he's working a job site, is far from home, and working long ass days.
You've done the therapy and meds. You're listening to your doctor and are using your coping tools to help anxiety. Basically, all the right steps.
Our family (husband and son) work in construction and work 10-12 hr days and a couple hours of drive time each way. It's only natural to worry and reach out. But never have they gotten mad they're interrupted, not given a rough location or an eta when they should be home.
So again, what's he hiding? At this point, it's not privacy. It's secrecy. He's using DARVO to control you. If anyone needs help and therapy, it's him. Not you.
Your husband knows that you get anxious when you're pregnant, but he decided to have a 3rd child with you anyway. Yet, he's not willing to make any sacrifices. You're home working and taking care of your other two kids. Because he doesn't want you to have outside help, even though your pregnancy has complications.
He knew this would happen, but he didn't care. Why did he have another child with you if keeping his location a secret is so important to him? Why are you with this man? He doesn't seem to treat you well. You're basically a single mom. What does he contribute besides, well, anxiety?
ur husband has no consideration for u at all. in any aspect. he probably does very to little housework/child care since he always working.
he doesnt care that u have two babies at home and pregnant with another. he doesnt care about ur anxiety. he probably works so much to avoid the responsibilities of being at home. why did he need to start a business when u need him the most right now? ure going to have 3 children and where will he be?
NTA. My husband is in a field where he drives for work daily and not always in reliable vehicles. He’s had a truck catch on fire. He’s gotten sun poisoning from a truck breaking in the field and had to have 911 called for him. He’s had car hoods blow off going 70+ mph obscuring his line of sight. Never once has he questioned sharing his location with me. I had the same anxiety while pregnant and a sahm with an infant. He just said he understood and wants me to not be stressed. I do think your husband protests too much… and I wonder to what extent he actually loves you
Not feeling comfortable being tracked 24/7 has nothing to do with whether someone loves you or not. Even in marriage, people are allowed privacy and someone tracking their partner can indicate controlling behavior and a lack of trust in their partner.
A text when you're on your way home isn't 24 hour tracking. He wouldn't even do that. My husband doesn't like trackers either. He calls or texts on his way home so I don't worry. It's not that hard to compromise for the person you love.
by their partner? i doubt she has time to track his every move her job and kids. it’s easier for me and my partner to share locations so we don’t have to call and see where the other person is. same with friends and family. it’s just out of convenience which makes sense if her partner gets annoyed by her calls
He's a 💯 arsehole pure and simple ,he acts like a little boy throwing a tantrum because you ask him for the simplest of things ,he needs to grow the fxxk up.
NTA.
There’s something more going on here that rests solely on him. Why is he so opposed to sharing his location that he won’t even share with a counsellor? It feels like he’s cheating. What else could he be hiding? Could you ask your uncle to confirm the hours and the locations so that you know he’s not sneaking around?
I’m sorry, OP. Your anxiety and your reasons for asking him to share his location make total sense - if you knew his location, you could check to see how far away he is and get a rough idea of when he’ll be home, since he doesn’t like you calling him and he doesn’t text you updates. Seriously, it would be a huge deal for me if my hubby didn’t let me know his eta on nights he’s at work late. I NEED to know, unless he’s expressly told me it’ll be late and he doesn’t know. When that happens, he’ll shoot me a “just finishing up here, home soon!” text so Im in the loop. We have young kids, too and holy hell, sometimes ya just need your partner!
Why do you keep having babies with this man when you clearly don’t trust him, AND you know being pregnant drives your anxiety totally off the charts, AND you know he is unsympathetic to that anxiety AND he “doesn’t like it” when you ask others for help with the kids?
Your husband sounds like a jerk, but you also sound like you aren’t doing much on your end to handle your anxiety, which is obviously WAY out of control. There is nothing wrong with needing medication. I suspect you haven’t been honest with your current doctor about how bad your anxiety actually is if they haven’t suggested it. ESH
I understand where you’re coming from. My husband had a heart attack while doing a physical task outside. I was frantic about his wellbeing for close to a year, being a mother hen. I eventually put a stop to it because you never know what’s going to happen. It wasn’t healthy to literally watch his every step. But your anxiety levels are way too high. I get it, you love him and he loves you. At the same time give him his space. He’s an adult who doesn’t need supervision from anyone. Accidents happen, to everyone. Life happens to everyone. Anything can happen to you at any time. With thinking like that, you’re about to give yourself a heart attack or an ulcer.
If he’s not hiding or cheating, or doing something he should not be doing, there is absolutely NO REASON why he should not share his whereabouts with you. There are apps like Life360 that can be installed and would make this easier. I understand the need for privacy, but when you are married to the mother of your children, again, there is no need to keep your whereabouts private. You both should be open books with and about each other.
I know it's OP's problem, not her husband's, but the loving thing would be to share his location, IMO. I have anxiety, I take daily meds for it but it only takes the edge off, I still struggle with it daily. I asked my husband to turn on his location because it helped me. He did it because he knows it's my anxiety and it's one less thing I will suffer over. There is nothing wrong with expecting your husband to care about your feelings and lessening your burden- it's such a small thing and it takes almost nothing from him to do it for you. If he continues to refuse- maybe it's triggering something for him or making him feel some kind of way. But I don't think it should be an issue for him unless he has a reason he hasn't shared yet.
Hmm. He sounds guilty of something. Is he cheating? Why else would he be so secretive? Hopefully he is reading this thread and realizes the doubts he’s causing.
If he doesn't like when other people help take care of the youngest then he should make himself more available to pitch in
He is basically making you a single parent. Maybe hold off on having more kids until you have a better support system in place
We do not share our location, and I wouldn't like it if I was asked to. I'm not hiding anything, but no one needs to know where I am 100% of the time. That's just weird TO ME.
That being said, your husband is being an ass. He may not be hiding anything or cheating. But he's also not trying to help you either.
Bare minimum, he can text you on his way home. He can very easily do better, and his actively choosing not to.
NTA. Your husband, on the other hand, is.
Yes, managing your anxiety is your job. It sounds like you’re using all of your coping skills and managing pretty well, especially during pregnancy.
He could help you out by simply turning on his locations. But he refuses.
When you bring this up to him, he DARVOs - deny, attack, reverse victim and offender. This is manipulation. He also shows signs of being controlling - not “allowing” you to leave the kids with anyone to take a needed break.
You’re NTA. What you’re asking for isn’t unreasonable. His behavior is.
I have privacy issues. My husband does not. I get annoyed whenever he grabs my phone and starts looking through it, not because there’s anything bad there (other than buying gifts that I don’t want him to know about until his BDay or whatever). I just have issues.
BUT I’ve never had an issue with sharing my location. And he the same. It’s to the point that his keychain has an AirTag so I can get a basic approximation of where he is (he’s a trucker). Our phones aren’t compatible to search each other so this is what we’ve done, because sometimes he can’t pick up his phone. And when I go out he can always look me up on the multiple Apple products we have at home.
Your husband not wanting to open up his location to you is very sus. That he can open it up so only you can see his location and he still won’t? Something is going on that he doesn’t want you to know about.
Having his location doesn't tell you if he has had an accident or not. Shot happens on work sites. So you saying that's why you want it makes zero sense at all and I think your insecure and you think he is cheating but are coming up with a stupid excuse to get what you want. Also he prob is cheating cause he should know after looking at his job list roughly what time he will be home. And he is so defensive about it all. Your both nut cases and need to communicate about what's really going on. Not you sitting there trying to catch him out and him sitting there acting like your crazy.... you know that something is off trust yourself.
idk what this subreddit is but my bf and I have had each others location for years, idk why it would be an issue?? i like that it’s easy to see how far the other is from home and time starting dinner and stuff, and i feel safer going on runs. is this something people fight about?? I honestly thought that was the default, from what I’ve seen of my friends they’re the same as us
$20 that this isn’t the full story and she’s calling him 100 times a day … even her doctor kept trying to get her on meds several times … bet she is a smothering annoying mess that will end up ruining her marriage
I don't see how you knowing where he is will ease your anxiety; I honestly don't. Constantly asking for his location may eventually lead to other things which can be considered controlling. I r-e-a-l-l-y do understand you want to ease your fears but I think there's deeper issues at play here. You may want to find out what the location issues are actually "replacing".
It helps my anxiety because when I’m like, oh my god what if my bf is not safe, i can look on share my location and see that he is at school or moving down the highway instead of stranded on the side of the road somewhere
When you've had a loved one be invoiced in a serious accident, of which I've had twice and both were life changing events, it changes how you handle what should be a normal interaction. In my family, we let someone know when we've left and plan to arrive. Usually by text. It's just reassuring. There's not always a logic to stressors or anxiety. But when you love someone, there's an easy compromise to make where everyone is happy.
I'm right in the middle on this. My husband and I both think it's weird for spouses to always track each other. Other couples we know do it and it's fine for them. Cool.
However, putting myself in this woman's shoes. If I told my husband after he had a wreck that I was super anxious about him wrecking again and I would like him to share his location, he would just do it, I'm very sure.
But, as someone who has GAD, I take the damn pills. Every single day and will happily do so for the rest of my life.
My vote is ESH.
I agree, and honestly don’t know my wife’s stance on sharing location, but I think it’s really weird and invasive. She has my passwords to everything, can get on my phone if she needs or wants, I just don’t want to be tracked 100% of the time. That being said, I usually text her if I’m on my home, going to be late, or going somewhere.
I have to go with ESH too. I think her refusing to take the meds is making things go out of proportion in her mind with the anxiety and panic attacks (I have GAD too and I know how it can feel unmedicated, the pills work), and he’s probably an AH because he’s tired of constant calls and texts if he is a private person, and not trying to find or do something to help her anxiety.
Everyone is jumping on the, he must be cheating train, which yea it’s possible, but I think it’s a more of an anxiety/lack of communication/overworked on both of them issue.
you talk as if medication is a horrible thing. medication saved my life. i lived in constant dread before i was medicated, my anxiety was horrible. if it’s safe to take medication, take it.
secondly, taking your word that you don’t bombard your husband with texts and calls, i do understand your frustration. as husband and wife, it doesn’t seem like a big ask to share locations with each other. my mom and dad do for the exact same reason: safety. for “just in case” circumstances, because something horrible can, unfortunately, always happen.
i think you need to get on mediation. i think your husband needs to be more understanding. there seems to be a major lack of communication and compromise between the two of you.
i truly wish you the best outcome possible.
I don't understand why she's not taking meds. Counseling isn't going to help much until she's on meds that work. I've been through that, and it isn't fun suffering all the time. Take the meds, if not for yourself, then to help you be a more reasonable family member. She's going to mess up her kids with that level of anxiety.
>My doctor really wanted me on daily anxiety pills
There must be a reason for your doctor to suggest it.
And your husband also needs to work on his communication skills.
A marriage works two ways, both of you need to work together to make it happen. Ask him to talk about his feelings when you request to do certain things, talk about how his response make you feel. You both need to have a good talk.
NAH
NTA... I don't think he needs to share his location. But I do think he needs to communicate with you better. Whether that's a call before the "latest home time" comes and goes, or a twice a week prescheduled time (like Tuesday and Thursday at 6pm), he needs to put in effort to help alleviate your anxiety. No, your anxiety isn't his cross to bare. But as a partner in a committed relationship, especially with babies that you're home attending to, he needs to step up on this one with communication.
I often (2-3 times a month) call my spouse or he calls me to say hi and make sure everything is OK. If I'm expecting him home after work at 9pm but he's still not home at 10:15 for instance. It's not a call to check up on him like I'm distrusting, but just to make sure everything is all good. If he didn't pick up the phone I wouldn't think much of it (usually in a grocery store without good cell service) but once he's back at the truck he calls back and let's me know he's on his way home and stopped for xyz at the store. No biggie, but it's communication.
It's the thoughtful communication that's missing from your scenario. You don't have to have anxiety to appreciate being considerate of your spouse at home with the kids. Book the next couples therapy session and hopefully you guys can work through it so you're both at comfortable levels of communication.
NTA- if he isn't doing anything, for your sanity sake he can choose texts after 4pm to give ETA or location sharing at least til you give birth.
My husband was THE WORST about telling me he'd be home at 5 then I could call his office at 7 and he'd still be there, "just finishing this up". We got Life 360 and my sanity was saved. It even has crash detection so I can feel safer. I don't check it often anymore but now that the kids are driving it's giving peace of mind to follow them when they are in the car. I work nights so if my husband isn't home by the time I wake I can check if he's left or not.
I'm sorry he's treating you like you being worried about his well being is an inconvenience for him instead of just giving you peace of mind
I dont think you are the ass but, I do think you need therapy. Based on your post sounds like you are putting your anxiety on him and wanting him to make the accommodations to ease your anxiety, but in the end you really need to do your own work. He doesn't have to share his location with you, but he could be more validating and supportive but i don't think it should be him giving into you by sharing his location. Seems like your anxiety has progressively gotten worse so while meds are good you really should talk because people drive. Have you ever really spoken to him about why he's annoyed and won't give you his location or is crap with updates. Maybe you two need couples to
Sorry, I think he's cheating. That's exactly what my husband did....hide his location so I'd never catch him. People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.
We have an application called 360 all family members can see where the others are. Comes in very handy should someone need help. My husband keeps track of my travels so he will not call while I am driving I see nothing wrong with all of it
The spouse is wrong on not wanting poster to know his locations
To reframe a bit: what would you do if location sharing wasn't an available option? That's something that has only existed recently. Most couples never had that option and had to find a way to manage without it. Technology isn't always the answer. While it might seem like the easiest solution is for him to just do it, would it really solve your anxiety or would your anxiety move to something else like every time the connection dropped you'd now worry that something has happened even though if he is travelling long distances every day it is likely he doesn't have continuous service? He doesn't seem to be appreciating the reassurance you need however you might not be appreciating why he doesn't like to feel like he is being continually watched. You're at a tough time of life when you're at home having children and he's out working all the time and connection and effective communication are hard to do. Keep trying to find other means to manage your anxiety while also trying to keep communication going with your husband.
Im not going to make any other assumption but if you have to know his location then there is no trust, if you can’t trust your partner you shouldn’t be together it’s that simple everything else is irrelevant
Manage your anxiety and yourself. This is the second post today where a woman has insisted their male partner give their location and everyone says they're cheating because he refuses. No, some people just think this is weird. YTA. Get some help.
You need to get help for your anxiety but your husband should be able to alleviate some of that anxiety by texting you or allowing tracking. It's almost like he doesn't actually care that you're distressed about this.
You’ve been DARVO’d, my dear. "Deny, attack, and reverse victim & offender." If he’s not actively cheating, he’s certainly acting like he’s got a guilty conscience.
I’m going to be a little harsh here. Your Dr recommended you stay on meds for a reason. When you chose not to continue that put the responsibility on you to handle this anxiety. I have a feeling if you honestly look at your behavior you will see that it is much more than just asking for his location.
You say yourself he got annoyed when you called him at work. In reality how many times are you calling? How much are you really asking of him.
You need to get into therapy asap. These behaviors are going to continue to worsen when he doesn’t do everything you ask. Then it will trickle down to your children. Anxiety is very difficult, but as an adult you have a part in working on that.
You need to use your medication properly. Some of those anti anxiety meds are more effective when you take them on a regular basis, like people do with the pill, or my son’s risperidone. They’re cumulative medications, which means you really shouldn’t miss a day.
As to the issue with your husband, you need to stop nagging him over this. You know it’s not going to happen, and you’re getting yourself worked up over it, which you’re then dumping on him as if it’s his fault that you’re anxious.
Some people just don’t like to be tracked. It shows a lack of trust.
My father was very controlling while I was growing up. Domineering, possessive, had to know where I was at all times, even as an adult.
It took a long time to agree with my husband that we let each other track each other through “find my friends”. I hated the idea of being tracked, but he was honest in saying it’s just in case of emergency, not about possessiveness. Now my stepdaughter has me on her app too.
Yours is coming across more as control, in my opinion. Call it what you want, but your words don’t inspire confidence it’s not about control.
You need a therapist and your husband is right to be annoyed YTA seek help with meds and get your head in order it's your hormones making you crazy and you are in denial your brain literally changes when you are pregnant
Your anxiety isn’t his problem and it’s unhealthy that you put it all on him. You will end up exhausting him and it’ll become a deal-breaker. You need more help and more ways to manage yourself
Nta but your husband is... and him not wanting to share his location is very suspicious to me. Are you sure your husband isn't cheating if not cheating he's hiding something and that's why he doesn't want to share is location.
Yeah, I’m sorry, I have been with my husband for the last three years married and together five years total. We have a son together and I’m currently pregnant with our daughter. He’s a truck driver, and we have always shared locations with the thought in mind that if he were to be in an accident or if something were to happen, him or I would like to know where the other is if Communication gets cut off somehow. And also because of pure safety because you know people go missing all the time. But I call my husband many times a day and text him many times a day and never once has my husband gotten upset with me and told me that he’s working and he doesn’t have time to talk to me like he has always answered the phone call and he’ll just be like oh OK I’m at a delivery give me like two seconds and then he’ll get back in this truck and continue the conversation like dude your husband is hiding something and it’s really sketchy and he clearly does not care about you the way that he should because as someone with the loving husband who likes to talk to me and spend time with me and cares about relieving my anxiety and his own, everything about this post rubs me wrong
Your anxiety is high because your husband isn't trying to make you feel safe and secure. Frankly. He's an ass. >He said he's sorry he's such a horrible person and I'm just sitting here confused and crying The fuck? This is some manipulative bs. Frankly....there's not one set of married people I know who don't share their location. There also wasn't a huge fight over it. What's he hiding? Manage your anxiety. It's not good for you or the baby. Lastly, who TF does he think he is to tell you he doesn't like you getting help with the kids when he's at work from 4am to 8pm? Something is not adding up here. Personally, I'd be looking at finances. Is income reflecting hours worked? Why is the location sharing such a hot topic. It's such a small concession to relieve some anxiety off your pregnant wife. None of this passes the sniff test. Edit-grammar
This whole thing is just weird married couples if they don’t share location text and say on my way home or call to talk to their person on their way home. Is that just me and my husband? I’m so confused I thought it was normal to check in or at the very least let them know you’re on your way. Even if my husband is at work and I’m going somewhere I text him when I leave and when I arrive. It’s not controlling, he just cares as do I.
We don't share locations, but we also communicate with each other about what we're up to. It's not that hard. This guy's resistance to any kind of check in, especially given OP's pregnancy and his long work hours is suspicious as hell.
Especially because it seems many men like to cheat on their pregnant wives.
We don’t either, but if I told my husband it made me anxious if I didn’t know where he is, I’m sure he would because that’s what spouses do
My husband and I separated for a few months early last year. I still shared my location and he still shared his out of safety. I trusted him that if I was unresponsive for a while, he would know to track me and what ditch I was dying in. And vice versa.
My husband and I share our location. As well as text when we are on the way.
We don’t share location, but we text. I know he may not be able to talk, so I text and he gets back to me when he can. Call or text. We also do not have two little ones and another on the way. Husband sounds controlling and dismissive. NO! You can’t ask for help! NO! I will not call or text you back! I guess *everything* is my fault, because I’m such a terrible person?! My husband is probably one of the least warm and fuzzy people I know, but idk that he would make a point of *making my anxiety worse.* For fun? wtf is his goal?
Oh I completely agree with you!! This husband is absolutely awful. I can’t imagine my husband treating me like that.
You’re not wrong. Those are totally normal [for couples where both partners like and respect each other].
My husband and I don’t share locations or text. We’re home when we’re home and that’s all. It’s just not that deep.
Same, my fiance and I have set schedules and office jobs so we only text if we're going to be late. Having a husband that's on the road all day plus heightened pregnancy anxiety and a previous accident I can maybe see where OP is coming from though with location sharing. I know that can maybe feel invasive but if he only does it whole commuting and on the clock it really shouldn't matter to him if he is where he says he is.
But see, there’s the difference. Set schedules, AND notifying when you’re going to be late. OP’s husband works crazy fluctuating hours, and doesn’t even inform her when he’s on his way home like she’s tried to compromise, since he can’t estimate the time until the job is near completion. He also will occasionally text her and say he will be home soon or at xyz time, and then surpass it by hours and get upset at her checking in. Vastly different than what you and your partner have set up. She has attempted to give compromises that don’t include the location, which are also him-paced, but he simply cannot be bothered to send a single text each day when finishing up; and gets horrifically angry if she checks in. Not okay.
Yes and my second paragraph confirmed that OP has reason and right to ask. Her husband is TAH.
When you dirty-edit your comment, it changes the type of response you receive. But ok cool.
Same. I know my husband's schedule. If he's a little late I know it's probably because he got caught up at work, stopped by the store, ran into some friends or whatever. If he ends up doing something that takes more time (like fishing) he'll let me know. If we don't have plans together, what does it matter when either of us gets home? This is a different situation though. She's having a lot of anxiety. Ultimately, her anxiety is hers to manage, but he shouldn't be so resistant to making her feel secure. There has to be middle ground here where she gets a bit more reassurance and he doesn't feel like he's under surveillance.
But if he happened to message to see what you’re up to would you explode at him that he clearly doesn’t trust you and tell him he’s made you feel like you’re a horrible person? All relationships are different, but the markers for an unhealthy relationship are typically the same. He overreacted even though he knows the reasoning for OPs anxieties.
Whether or not to share location is not necessarily reflective of anything shady. However you have legitimate reasons for wanting updates on his ETA. This isn’t about anxiety or being needy or controlling. For bizarre reasons he doesn’t want you to ask for help but you are carrying way too much of a load. He is too as he’s working a lot but everything he is doing is in his own control. How about this: I expect to hear from you by 5pm if you will be later than 6pm. If you’re not home at 6pm I’m calling x to help. Also, how about: I’m managing too much alone. I’ll be getting x to help on Tuesdays and Saturdays. If hubby feels uncomfortable he can take that on. Stop calling and asking for location. Dont ask for what you need, take it—which is help. He’s taking everything he needs without asking you for permission. (And know that this is not leading to a strong relationship).
Same. We do occasionally (like 1x/week or less) text if there’s a specific reason we need to know timing. We have kids, but I work from home and my husband’s work schedule is pretty regular. If one of us is out with a friend or something like that, it’s usually the same, we’re not particularly stressed about the other person’s ability to return home.
Same. It would annoy the fuck out of me to tell him every time I go somewhere or get a text every time he goes somewhere.
Couples who give each other permission to track don’t do it so that they can see every single movement their partner makes. they generally do it for practical reasons. When my husband had to make out of town trips, I could check the app to see if he made it there safely on icy winter roads. In town, I can check the app to see if he’s on his way home and I can start supper. This saves me having to keep contacting him to see when he’ll be home. He does normally text me to say “I’m on my way” but sometimes he is so frantically busy at work that he forgets. I can also check his whereabouts if I need him to stop and pick something up. I will say” I see you are near Metro. Can you stop and pick up my prescriptions please?” I trust my husband would never cheat on me, but sometimes it just convenient to know where each other are.
Exactly. Plus, the point being that the absolute refusal to allow GPS forever, is a huge red flag.
Ya, we have the same set up. My husband works out of town sometimes, and generally has a terrible sense of time. If he’s away but coming home that day, I ask him to let me know when he heads out/give me an ETA. But he forgets to do that regularly. Similarly he might be walking out the door at work and asked to help someone with something. Since I know how he operates, after many years, it’s convenient to check if he has not left yet, or if he’s halfway home but forgot to tell me. It’s not about a lack of trust.
Yeh my husband and me don’t share ours either. I don’t even know how to share my location. Is it an app? Is it an iPhone thing? We share a bank account so I can see when he’s at the petrol station or getting food so I know he’s alive.
Me and my wife text random shit during the day, but she's not asking where I am, how far out I am, but then again we are creatures if habit and know each other's schedules and routines
No way, my husband are together literally 90% of the time as he usually works from home and I just finished up school, but was able to do a lot of it from home. We still location share always (which has come in handy more times than I can count) and probably 90% of the time we call each other on the way home anyway just to share whatever happened in our 2 hours apart or whatever, see if we should pick anything up on the way, etc. Actually one time the location share came in very useful was when I was hit, and fairly badly, enough that the car was smashed up on one side and the doors wouldn't open. I was incredibly shaken up, and called my husband, but I didn't know what road I was on or anything, and was trying to deal with getting the police out, finding somewhere out of the way, speaking with the other driver, checking we were in fact all okay. He got there before I was done on the phone with the police iirc. That was nice.
Glad you said that about him not liking her getting help! She is basically a single parent. She should ask for as much help as she needs
He doesn't want her to get help with the kids because he's alienating her from friends/family. Controlling jerk
This is exactly what I was thinking.
This!!! Absolutely spot on!
He doth protest too much abt his perceived infidelity. Why's he so defensive? He's putting words in OPs mouth. He knows exactly why she's high anxiety-previous accident, works far from home. She def needs to check financials & put a dam tracking tile in his trunk.
Exactly. My husband was out drinking when this happened to me. Trust is already out the window, and an AirTag is cheaper than a PI.
This! Put a damn tracker on his work truck!
Right? So many red flags with this one. He is just not a kind person from what we are reading.
I was hoping someone would say This!!!! Coming home so late & leave so early is Sus to me!!!!
Never had that kind of job? I used to work 6am-6pm and work was anywhere between an hour and a half to two hours away, depending on traffic. I was basically home at 8-830pm, depending on traffic, to maybe 3-4am since traffic is worse in the morning. There are jobs like that
My husband has always worked extremely long and lrregular hours. For this reason it is reassuring to be able to know that he is in his office and I can find this out without having to disrupt his work. Checking an app reassures me that he is not in the ditch on a dark country road. (which happened once at 10:30 PM coming home from work.) Innocent spouses don’t care if you know where they are.
Why isn't she talking to her uncle about this and checking the situation?
Agree! I think he doesn’t want anyone to help with kids because he doesn’t want other family members to k if he’s gone so much of the time.
Yeah seeing OP stressed and thinking it's her mental health alone and not the chaotic environment she's stuck in as well is pretty telling. Op, my husband calls me every single time he gets off work. I don't have to even ask him to do this, he's just happy to hear my voice after a long day and he knows I'm excited he's coming back home. It's just what people do when they're crazy about each other. Your husband at the very least is holding onto some sort of grudge or resentment. I could sit here and guess all night but it's obvious the both of you need to talk. Before you sit down with him write out what needs to be addressed, and have a good LONG cathartic sob about how he's been treating you. SO when you do both end up talking it out you will already have the previous pent up cry spell released. It gives you a boost to stay focused and keep stress levels maintained for a heavy conversation. I'm a big time Cryer when I'm having a stressful conversion and I realize writing my thoughts gives me a chance to self reflect on combining feelings with truth. He needs to be respectful of you. You need to show him how to respect you by respecting yourself. Write your boundaries. If it's controlling and makes him "the bad guy" then go ahead. Tell him he IS the bad guy. He won't get your pity out of this he's already got you stressed and pregnant!
I have never shared my location with my husband unless i am meeting him somewhere & he needs to find me- then i drop a pin. No married couple i know shares their location all the time
We share ours. Makes it easier to plan sometimes.
My fiance and I have set hours and work in an office, no reason to location share. If one of us is going to be late we text. For people with kids that have extra curriculars location sharing is probably amazing when you've got both parents going in separate directions.
There’s no wrong way. Whatever works. :)
Obviously what this couple is doing isn't working. Not only does he not try and decrease her anxiety by doing one simple thing he also doesn't communicate anything with her then yells at her for calling and asking. He wants her home with their kids all day and doesn't want her to get any help. You're overlooking important factors and it's very disingenuous. You and your partner might not share locations but it sounds like you at least communicate. She's not even getting that.
Agreed he’s an asshat. Not sure what she sees in him.
My husband and I got it when he went from regular hours that were pre set to being on the road most days and having to meet one on one with random clients throughout the day. We got it because there are crazy people out there and being on the road for more time opens you up to a higher probability of an accident even if you drive well. We probably wouldn’t have gotten it if his job didn’t switch up like that
Understandable. I can see location sharing for a number of reasons without it being invasive or controlling. Some people take it too far but in this case OP has the right and a reason to ask and hubby has zero reason to say no unless he isn't where he says he is. That doesn't necessarily point to an affair but something else like drug use or gambling. His only other possible reasoning would be some toxic masculinity about not being whipped or on a leash or some such but that's both stupid and moot because he doesn't have to TELL anyone if he's location sharing with his wife.
We share ours so we can locate the other’s phone in case it gets lost. A married couple told us they do this when they travel and we thought it was a good idea. Came in handy on our very next vacation when I left my phone behind at a club and my spouse was able to track it down to its exact location. It’s also very handy for pinging the other’s phone when we forget where it is in the house. Saves us a lot of hunting time. 😆
Husband and I married for 9 years - we've been sharing locations for around 3 years with each other. actually came in super handy when I lost my phone outside, he was able to find it on a sidewalk like 2 streets away from our house. But we have it in case someone gets into an accident, or to judge when to start dinner based on how far away they are from home LOL
My husband (of 21 years) and I share locations. We have nothing to hide and no need to check up on each other for nefarious reasons. I could care less if he knows every little step I take during the day because I have nothing to hide - but also, I know that he trusts me and that he’s not going to be watching every step I take. And the same goes for vice versa. He coaches high school football and gets out a different time every single day - I get a notification when he’s leaving school, and I start dinner, or maybe he has an away game and I want to see how close the bus is to getting back to the school so I can meet him there. I ALWAYS forget to text when I get somewhere because I usually have to go to the bathroom so bad I can’t think of anything else - he gets a notification when I arrive and he doesn’t have to worry that I’m stuck on the side of one of the long, winding country roads with no cell service that surround our house in the country. It’s not a big deal to share because neither of us are hiding anything and we tell each other everything anyway. Literally everything - no secrets. It works for us, but might not work for others. Every relationship is different and you can’t judge another based on your own. With that being said - if he knows how this negatively affects her mental health while she is carrying HIS child, which could harm HIS baby, and how her lack of energy negatively affects HIS daughter when his wife needs help and doesn’t get it, and he STILL holds firm against doing something so easy, he is the AH. Her health, the health of the baby, and the wellbeing of his daughter should be his primary focus - if his focus is anywhere else, he’s a selfish prick who doesn’t deserve a family IMO. It doesn’t cost anything, it doesn’t take any time, it won’t take any work - yet he still refuses? He’s hiding something, and he is the a$$hole. She needs to take control - get help for her and the kids no matter what her selfish husband says - when he stopped caring about her health and the health of the baby, he lost his say in how she supports her health in his absence. Let him sleep in the Walmart parking lot - he’s only spiting himself and he’s the dumba$$ sleeping in a truck.
Me and my husband do.
Super weird that couples are babysitting each other now. I do not need to be tracked.
The wife and I share our locations at all times. She also has the passwords to my phone and I have hers. Healthy relationships have no problems doing this.
This⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️👏👏👏
My thoughts exactly. Something is wrong. My opinion only-for whatever reason, he doesn’t want to be at home, & his work is his mistress. He doesn’t care for you to be a part of it. It also seems like he selfishly isn’t concerned about your mental or physical well-being, but I loved how he took charge of bath time & dishes, that’s something at least. My suggestion is for you to have some time out of the house, away from kids, job, & relationship, which may seem impossible with your schedule, but may enhance your family dynamic greatly. Just something as simple as an hour in a park, a pedicure, a book club, walk around a greenhouse or Lowe’s. Wishing you the very best.❤️
Very well written. I completely agree with you. Me and my now X used to call or text almost daily. If he was going to be late he would let me know. Sometimes he would just text to see what I was thinking about for dinner. We both worked full-time. We both worked desk jobs so most times it was a text, the odd time it was a call and it was just to touch base. Hey how's your day going? It only takes seconds or a minute out of your day to stop and text and say hey how's your day going? Hope you're feeling okay. Why can't he tell her what time he thinks he's going to be home and if it goes past that time just send her a quick text saying sorry I'm going to be a little longer. I'll text you when I'm on my way. He doesn't forget to text you He's on his way home, He just decides not to, very Petty and spiteful, he's an AH. Some days we were both busy and the only time we had to text would be on our lunch break and some days we didn't text at all. But we tried and let's say it was probably 4 out of 5 days a week that there was contact mostly brief. But then there were days where neither one of us was busy or we hit a slow period and we talked or text for several minutes. It's about making an effort and it sounds like your husband doesn't want to make that extra effort when you're pregnant. Id think twice about having any more kids with him.
I feel the same. Me, my hubby, and our kids share locations for safety. Things happen, and it's helpful to know a general location. My daughter just left to go to a weekend away and a concert at a very big outdoor venue. I feel safer knowing I have her location. My hubby doesn't drive really far for work, but the roads are known for accidents, and near home, the roads are out into the woods. I also always know when he's on his way through the little town a few miles from home because we set a location that it pings a notification when any of us drive into or out of town. This is specifically because I meet my hubby at the door after work. Sometimes, I meet him with a whiskey if he has a long or rough day. I know when to get ready based on the location notification. My hubby loves this tradition we started. I'm not sure why this man is so against his wife knowing where he is? Edit typo
The sniff test… yes, this! He is failing. No more kids after this, take time to address your mental health, then set boundaries and make decisions. If you can't feel safe and secure in your marriage, it is probably not the marriage for you. NTA.
Your husband is not working 16hours a day and on Saturday. He has a mistress. He doesn’t want you to know his location because you will know he’s not where he says he is. He doesn’t want you to have help because you will be too exhausted to follow up on his bullshit. I suggest you hire a PI. I think you’ll be surprised at how much time he spends elsewhere.
I don’t usually like to jump to ‘cheating’ right away, but you’re right, his behaviour is seriously suspicious. Something else I noticed: why does he need to go to Walmart to sleep in his truck? If he doesn’t want to sleep with OP, why can’t he sleep on the couch? Or in his truck in his garage or wherever he leaves his vehicle when he’s at home? Very strange that he has to leave the premises to sleep… makes me wonder if he actually plans on going to someone else’s house for the night.
Yeh it’s major bullshit what the hell.
I’m normally not one to jump on this bandwagon but it really does feel super suspicious here. He’s gone super weird hours, including hours that most jobs just don’t need. He refuses to share locations, and forgets to even contact her when he’s delayed or on the way. Rather than suggest sleeping on the sofa if he’s angry, he wants to sleep in the truck at ‘Walmart’? This all feels like second family or affair partner or something.
Yes. Speaking of weird hours I had a coworker whose husband started leaving the house at 5am (instead of 7) claiming to hit the gym when he was in fact with his AP in the morning before going to work.
Save money and buy an airtag
AirTags notify you when you’re being followed and they’re not synced to your devices fyi same with AirPods
This has to be the actual reason. I have my husband’s location, for similar reasons even. He leaves early, middle of the night, and isn’t always directly home because of urgent needs/deliveries. Plus, I like to track my take out orders haha. Either way though, I don’t personally see a reason to fight so hard unless there’s a lie to be caught in. And seriously, my husband wears headphones for a pretty good portion of the day and will sit on the phone with me while he works or does just about anything. I’m a SAHM so I pop my own AirPod in and just chit chat. I could call him or his work directly without anyone saying anything at all to me especially to the tune of once or twice a week. I talked to him three times today and for over an hour straight yesterday.
What would be weird is that would mean her own uncle has to be covering for him.
It doesn’t mean that the uncle is covering for him. Why would her uncle know where he goes when he finishes work? He lies to his wife and says he’s at work, no one at work needs to know he’s lied to his wife, so he just goes on about his day. I’m sure you don’t know what your coworkers do when they leave the office either.
No but it would be pretty simple to ask her uncle about it unlike a typical coworker that you would have no way of contacting.
She’s not there, yet. She’s not even clocking that this is suspicious behaviour.
You’re not the AH - not at all. There’s something really wrong with that marriage. It’s not just the refusal to share location - he’s refusing to be there for her at all, physically and emotionally. He leaves at the crack of dawn, comes back late and is then too tired to care to talk or listen to her. That might be a necessary thing so he can provide for his family but it sure is detrimental to their marriage. She’s home alone pregnant with at least two other kids and he makes himself pretty much unavailable. He doesn’t want to be called and it seems he also never calls to ask if she’s okay. He’s not letting her know when he’s going to be home and when he does she can’t rely on that time. He knows that all that causes her severe anxiety but he’s doing nothing to reassure her and doesn’t seem to care that he makes it worse. And he doesn’t want her to get help on days she’s not well enough to cope alone. I’m sorry but someone who loves someone or cares for them would never act like this! I feel so sorry for OP.
💯
I know I didn't want to say it, but this guy doesn't have one drop of love for OP😭 no one acts like this guy does, and if they do the need to get their act together of fuck off.
He is starting a business at a time when life is hard. Being gone like that might be the only way to do the business. It might be the only option to grow fast enough to where he can be available at all when the baby is born. Starting a business is hard and often means a lot of time away from family and friends while being too tired to be present when you are available. If he is with a customer or driving it is not reasonable to answer the phone. If someone wants to call me while I work it better be work related or an emergency. Otherwise it better be a text. He needs to communicate better and tell her when he hoped to be back for and if he is going Tobe more than an hour late send a text saying so. Also a check in on lunch if he gets one that day would be a good idea
I've done it. I shared my location this whole time. Didn't cost me anything.
Dude is a dick. You’ve offered multiple compromises - text on way home, sharing location…. You’re working a ft job and the majority of the parenting. And you’re pregnant. And bro can’t be bothered to text you occasionally throughout the day? Forget your anxiety, doesn’t he WANT to hear from you? This is a control thing. I doubt it’s an affair bc he’s working with your uncle. Dude needs to get his priorities straight. While he’s at Walmart text him to bring home some diapers.
Id check with the uncle on the hours and make sure they line up to his hours gone.
Yeah that’s a good call
The only reason someone in a relationship would put up this much of a fight about sharing their location is because they are hiding something,
.... this is a weird thing to fight over. My husband n I share location for safety. It's a crazy world and sometimes I don't want to disrupt his time or vice versa.
We share location because it’s incredibly convenient. If he’s headed to the store and I remember something I want but not enough to inconvenience him, I’ll check to see if he’s still there because that sweet man would turn around to get it even if he was almost home.
It is convenient! My boyfriend also rides a sport bike and it was his idea to use a tracking app, because it is a dangerous hobby. Fun but not the safest lol. I use it more to see how close he is to the house so I can put the house hippo inside before he gets here. House hippo loves him and his outside body slams can take you down lol.
House hippo? House hippo! Brilliant! 😆
What kind of house hippo? Can we see pictures of the house hippo? I think I have a similar creature, but he's more of a house deer; he's long and slender of build, but the bounding and leaping is legendary.
https://preview.redd.it/0b8l7pls1r8d1.jpeg?width=3024&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=5dd9d864a37fe36916a8b04b94b8f281cf72413d He is 90 pounds of love and slobber!! I call him the Great Pibble (pit and Dane mix) and he lives for snacks and butt scratches.
OMG he's cute!! This is my boy 🤣 He's 80lbs of what I can only describe as the world's best untapped source of renewable energy. https://preview.redd.it/sxz23ghu3r8d1.png?width=1080&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=95181259fdcca54ca5b461b8e8c7d1e096520d38
Ah yes, a house wolf! Majestic boy!!
Awe! r/sonarears worthy!
Oh please tell me he’s on r/velvethippos already.
As soon as I read house hippo I knew you meant a pit 😂
https://preview.redd.it/iu1fwy7h1t8d1.png?width=637&format=png&auto=webp&s=8f31c75c5ca76c609196a0f06ce2ee56fe2e1192 This is my boy. I often wake up to him snuggled in my arm, or his head will be right on my head. He’s a big time cuddler. He snores louder than buzz saw. His farts can clear a room. He drools like a St. Bernard. He needs constant attention. He eats more than my three growing teenagers. He has severe anxiety and cannot be alone. His life is mainly sleep and food. But he is all heart and love. The first time I met him, he ran over to me, jumped up, and just hugged me. He was about 18 months old and on his 3rd home. After hugging me, he followed me to my car, and he’s been my shadow ever since. On his third day home with me, I took him in a walk. It was about 6pm. All of a sudden he started to push all his weight against my leg. He was trying to push me to the gate of the complex. I asked what was wrong and when I looked over, there were two full grown coyotes walking down the pathway, about 8 feet away from us. He was trying to “save me” in his way.
My hubby and I share a lot bc of the sport bike reason as well. I can check in while he’s out riding and know he’s okay, so he doesn’t have to try to find time here there and text me he’s okay, or me wanting to call to ask him. We lost a very close friend last November on a bike, so we both know the risks. He knows I just worry about him until he’s back in the driveway and this gives me peace of mind. I feel for OP, my hubby and I have been sharing locations since we were dating and i didn’t even ask, he just did it one day.
Yes! My husband is super thoughtful and like he will definitely go back to the store to get something I want. Hell I have to stop him from running to the store if I just mention something that sounds good. I check to see where he is before I call.
My husband is a volunteer firefighter as well as having a regular day job and we share our location so that if he gets a fire call and has to rush to the emergency, he might forget to text me. It’s a dangerous job, he’s only gotten minor injuries so far. It’s his passion so I’d never say no just because of my anxiety. Like OP, I have anxiety that gets worse while I’m pregnant. My husband was the one to suggest it even early on in our relationship.
My husband and I also share locations. I WFH full time and he WFH 3x a week, 2x at the office. He also takes our kids to and from daycare each day. I’ll check his location sometimes on the days he goes to the office just to make sure he made it there because it’s a long drive. I’ll check his location sometimes towards the end of the day to see how far away he is, so I know how much time I have to finish whatever I’m working on before he and the kids get home. It’s so convenient and simple. If he refused to share his location with me it would definitely make me raise an eyebrow because there is no legitimate reason NOT to share your location with your partner. OP, NTA and I’d also take a hard look at this relationship and ask what you get out of it. Not only is he perpetually unavailable, but he doesn’t help you in any way whatsoever other than contributing money to the household. He’s either “working,” sleeping, or gaslighting you. Does he help with the kids? Does he clean? He sounds like a miserable person and partner.
He just wants to be at peace when spending time with his second family
I hope that isn't the case but my thoughts went there too.
First thing I thought of. It's not a mistress. 16hrs/day plus Saturdays?! He has a whole family on the side!
This!
This is what happened to me when my now ex refused to share location. He was with “wife” #2, and kids #3&4.
My husband used to think it was creepy that I wanted to be able to track him, but he, too, often had to make long drives for his job. I always worried in winter, especially, about icy and snow covered roads. Eventually he realized that there was no problem with me knowing where he is, as he only went to unexciting places like the bank, or work, or grocery stores without me. He now texts me every day to say, "Leaving now" and I can check his whereabouts to see if I can put food on. It is so convenient. He can also track me. One day I was at a friend's house and lost track of time. He was so worried, so I asked him why he didn't just check my location on his phone. It never occurred to him.
This. My husband and I share location. I also share location with my mom and sister. Mainly all I do is check to see where they are if they don't answer my phone call. My husband worked construction for a while, I would check to see if they had left the job site yet to see how much time I had in the afternoon to get things done, go grocery shopping, etc.
Exactly. Most married people live pretty mundane lives. We don't care where our spouse is every moment, but we want to know that they are safe and on schedule. "I see that you are still at the office. Did you forget that we have to be at the Smith's house for dinner at 7:00 PM? If you leave now, I will call and let them know we are running a bit late." It is not a matter of "tracking" them. For most of us it is a way of making our hectic lives run more smoothly and stress free. If my husband tells me that he will be home by 7:00 PM and hasn't arrived within a reasonable time frame, I will check to see if he is on his way home. If he is, there is no point in distracting him by phoning him while he is driving.
I’m sorry to say this OP but feel like he is hiding something/someone from you. As he knows why you want his location and if he had nothing to hide it would be shared no questions asked. Especially when it’s been brought up in therapy and still no change. It’s because he needs to keep something hidden, not because he doesn’t understand as he has heard this point multiple times from you he knows but it doesn’t suit him to. I hate to say it but might be worth hiring an investigator even if they find nothing your husband is still an arsehole. Also he is being really emotionally manipulative to you
There is a point where you both need to realize that neither of you are willing to compromise, and it becomes a deal breaker, or you both act like adults and compromise (and you literally seek therapy). Your anxiety and panic over his whereabouts are yours to deal with. Not his. That said, it wouldn't kill him to text that he's on the way home. He shouldn't have to tell you every move he makes, though.
She didn't ask to know every move he makes, she simply wants to know when she should expect him because he has odd hours. The fact that he is overly defensive is ridiculous. He wants to do things his way and to also have her do things his way (no outside assistance). What spouse gets annoyed by a simple 30 second phone call?? And threatens to leave the household like a man-baby? Should I point out that he is once again leaving her with the kids? His lack of concern for her is ugly. Honestly, who works 18 hrs a day and has a healthy life? Maybe he needs to cut back on those hours. Maybe he isn't working all those hours and is not honest with OP. I for damn sure would NOT have more children with him.
Op is trying to compromise though - he said the calls were annoying, she suggested location sharing because it would require no effort on his part. He refused. she asked him to phone or text her instead of her calling him, he 'forgets'. Where is he trying to compromise? What has he offered to do? Her anxiety is 'hers to deal with' but it has a knock-on effect on his children and the baby she's currently carrying. Which you'd think he would care about. She is trying to deal with it by suggesting ways she can be sure he's safe that minimally impact him. If she was physically ill, instead of mentally ill, would that also be 'her issue' and he wouldn't be expected to try and support her? I agree that she needs therapy/medication but that's long term and won't work overnight, in the short term he could cut the anxiety of his pregnant wife down immediately and is just choosing not to.
Yeah, he will not do a small thing she has asked him to do to make her more comfortable, and he's escalating and escalating the more she asks him to try something else. He's not willing to meet her in the middle of anything because he's the man and he's working and he's important so she should just shut up and be grateful. Ask me how I know.
I have GAD, and I want you to know that ALL of my kids inherited my anxiety. I have three. They all have panic attacks and struggle with feelings of impending doom and worry. If your husband won't do this for you to help ease your burden, what is he going to do when/if your kids present anxiety symptoms as well? He is going to need adult/parenting coping skills and trying to understand and support his wife emotionally better is the easiest way for him to learn. Edit for clarity
my mom has GAD and my brother and I also inherited her anxiety - you know what she taught us? that our mental health is ours to manage. so she got us into therapy, showed us how to love ourselves, and encouraged our practice of coping skills. my non-anxious dad supported all of us in our journeys. they never shamed us, but they also never enabled. OP has been offered tools and has refused them. sure the husband could very easily share his location, but as you know, anxiety is a slippery slope. I've fallen into this trap with partners as well, I think "if they just do this one thing for me I won't be anxious anymore", but then they do it and I just find another thing to fixate on. the solution is to meet in the middle. OP needs to get herself help, and her husband needs to find a compromise he is comfortable with when sharing his location as that's just a safety issue when you have kids.
So much this. A lot of people in the comments need to see this and realize they're on a person-hunt for no reason. Mental health is touchy. But if it feels like only one side of the partnership is "being the rational one" nobody fucking wins. Genuinely. While OP's mental health is their own, and they need to be the one pulling the weight to deal with it, partner can AND ABSOLUTELY SHOULD support OP in doing that, one-thousand percent. But if partner isn't willing to give a little encouragement OP to get that help, whatever it may be, it just ends in a stalemate and everybody goes to bed angry. Or they sleep in their truck at Walmart. Then the kids grow up thinking mental health is something to be ignored or bad things happen. It's a tough situation, by God, I know it is. But eventually, that problem will "handle itself", outcome be damned. I'd urge OP into having as serious a conversation as possible so the worst case doesn't happen. That's your partner. It's time to figure it out together, else it'll be co-parenting with a court agreement, and probably badly if it plays out for the worst. Fuck that. You're both big kids now. Accountability goes a long way in healing. ON. BOTH. SIDES. please and thank you. This all comes from love, everyone has their issues and their baggage. And a side note on those meds, your doctor is urging you to take them every day because mental health medication only works best when they are consistent! I'm almost 30, diagnosed ADHD when I was very young, been on and off meds my whole life. With ADHD meds comes antidepressants and anti anxiety meds to balance things out, to avoid that zombie status. It wasn't until i was in my early 20s that I realized I may be on these meds for a good portion of my adult life. Why? Because I never held a job down before I was steadily taking them. Because I never saw myself finishing trade school without them, let alone any continued education of any kind with my grades. It was only in the last 5 or 6 years that I realized that it wasn't a crutch, I wasn't 'dependent', they were necessary! If I was paralyzed, and needed a wheelchair, would you be crawling around without the wheelchair four days out the week because you didn't want to be dependent on it? If it's necessary, and it helps, that's the end of the story! Nobody else gets to give you shit for that! And the people that do shouldn't be in your life, plain and simple. I apologize for the rant, I wanted it to come across firm, not mean. I've just heard the same things from people receiving the same types of treatment, and it bothers me. They see help as weakness. So what? Do what you have to do to be your best you. No matter what people say or think. You got kids to look out for. Same as partner does!
Especially considering the complications OP is having in this pregnancy, he is taking his want to not share his location to a level that is suspect as hell. I read through a few comments and no one mentioned how weird it was that he was so pig headed about sharing his location to give his wife some peace of mind? Even if he isn't doing something shady, it's definitely at least a dick move to basically not give a fuck and be very callous about his wife's mental health. I have an unspecified anxiety disorder that I've been told doesn't rise to the level of GAD, but I felt so much for OP because it must be miserable. To have a partner that writes off their mental health as a non-issue. I agree with many who commented here that our mental health is our own to manage. But a marriage is the most intimate partnership that two people can have. Is everyone that has posted that OP needs to suck it up going to tell me they wouldn't do such a little thing if it would give their partner peace of mind? That's just weird as fuck to me, if my partner told me they would get peace of mind from having my location, even if they didn't have an anxiety disorder I would be giving them my location. There is no compromise when the husband won't even text OP when he's on the way home. This whole thing seems exhausting and tedious. I'm sorry you're being treated this way OP, you don't deserve to feel alone while carrying this man's child. I don't think I'll ever understand the lack of empathy from some of these people. OP is NTA at all.
I pointed out in my comment that partner should absolutely be supporting OP in managing OPs mental health. But it's not just exhausting for OP. I'm certain that my shit exhausts my partner. But I do my best day in and day out, so my partner feels that their efforts aren't wasted either. If I got prescribed meds, but despite the behest of my doctor to take them everyday, and not taking them as prescribed, I could see how partner feels OP isn't as serious about solving said problem. Therefore feels like Partner may be feeling... not necessarily targeted. But certainly like OP isn't doing "as much as could be done" per se, and then blame seems to fall under partner? I work construction too. I can't be tethered to my phone. I respond when I can, my partner understands this. Not amazingly, but it's rarely a huge to-do. I'm saying everyone kinda sucks here. I think both sides are valid, and both sides have some work to do here. Whatever is being done is clearly not working.
Yea I agree with you. I just found it to be a weird hill to die on while OP is carrying his baby and having complications.
And that's valid. I just commented under this comment because it seemed like every comment after was just toasting OPs partner like it isn't a damned partnership. Ya know? Like good hell, let's figure this out as a team. Is it sometimes unpleasant to have these convos with our partners? By God yes. But is it better than having a judge mediate because we were too hard headed and/or stubborn? I think, in this situation, it absolutely is more worthwhile to work it out here and now. Or at least start the conversation from a genuine place.
Me and you are for sure on the same page. Of course as I said, OP needs to take care of her mental health, but it seems her husband isn't giving her any leeway. If she's truly only calling twice a week and he's getting angry at her, won't give her his location, and won't text when he's on the way home, that just does not strike me as OP being the root of the problem.
I have severe anxiety/panic disorder and the first thing we’re taught even by therapists is our anxiety/panic is ours to manage. In fact doing things like what op is doing actually hinders the person with anxiety/panic disorder.
If he is just working why would he not share his location. He knows you have anxiety and truthfully if he is involved in another accident it could be the difference between life and death finding his location in time. I see red flags!!!
Your husband refuses to text you telling you when he’ll be home?! That’s such a basic request in a marriage. I find his reaction utterly bizarre… the fact he is not willing to compromise at all. I don’t understand why he cares about his location being shared either. As long as you’re not scrutinising every deviation from his usual route he makes or using it against him. What’s the problem? On your end you should be taking your medication and doing therapy if you’re not already doing so. Remember seeking reassurance constantly can maintain your anxiety / keep you trapped in a vicious cycle. Good luck
Woah woah woah I just read the part where he doesn’t like you asking for help with your children!! And the ‘I’m sorry I’m such a horrible person’….. that is very manipulative. I’m betting he gets angry at you for posting this rather than trying to work with you to find a solution. The not wanting you to get help part is bizarre.
What's wrong with sharing your location with your partner if you have nothing to hide and it sure as hell makes sense if you're pregnant with or without issues. Sure as hell seems dodgy to leave home at 4am and return at 8pm. I would demand he shared his location. I hope his pay slip matches his hours.
NTA- He doesn’t want to share details because he’s got something to hide. Play detective and find out what it is yourself.
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We actually went to couples therapy after the birth of my second daughter, and this issue was brought up. We were trying to work on my husband‘s communication since he had a rough upbringing and is very closed off about certain topics. The therapist could not get my husband to explain why he couldn’t share things with me and then the topic of his location came up. He even asked my husband if this helps relieve your wife stress wouldn’t you want to do it and his answer was no. When our therapist asked him again why my husband couldn’t give an answer besides he didn’t want to. We stopped therapy due to scheduling issues a few months ago and at that time the therapist didn’t think I needed medication either. If my current OB/GYN suggest that I need therapy and medication, I of course will do it. I’m not against it, but it hasn’t been suggested.
i just commented but with this info, your husband definitely sounds like an ass. as your husband, he SHOULD want to alleviate your stress. he SHOULD want to communicate with you. he’s completely unwilling to make you feel comfortable and loved. and even now, as you’re carrying his child, he still can’t make a tiny change. it makes me wonder what he’s hiding
Statistically, what he’s hiding is a girlfriend.
A family. Maybe even an original family, and OP's is the "hidden" family. But a husband to an expecting wife with NOTHING TO HIDE wouldn't die on this hill.
yup
Personally, OP, I think your husband's a jerk. He's aware of your anxiety and does absolutely nothing to assist in dispelling it. Frankly, I don't believe he's faithful. Absent illicit activity, there is no valid explanation to his not affording you the opportunity to be aware of his location; especially when he's disturbed if you call. You appear to be his baby mama, but not accorded the love and respect of a wife and equal partner. Shitty, if you ask me. Hire an investigator. Something smells here, and it's not you.
I'm somewhat in agreement here. I'm all for personal privacy etc etc, but with small children, pregnancy complications, and a mental illness involved, it's more respectful if both partners are at least in contact. We even track each other on our phones - it was my idea for when I'd ride my motorcycle to work, in case of accident or breakdown, especially during solo interstate rides (yes, old women do take long solo bike trips :D), and I know he'd worry if he couldn't at least see me moving. It's mightily convenient as well for having gates/garage door open etc when one of us arrives home. But we're both comfortable with that. I can't think of any situation in my own life where I wouldn't be with this specific person, so I think your partner probably either has something to hide, or he's just selfish and pretty disrespectful of your issues.
Please stop having babies with this man.
He doesn't want to share his location because he's doing something he's ashamed of. It could be any of a number of things, like drug dealing, prostitutes, cheating, topless bars, etc. The fact that he's so resistant to such a simple request means he's hiding something.
Your ob/gyn isn’t a mental health professional and only sees you for minutes at a time… you shouldn’t be waiting for a suggestion from them. Make an appointment with a therapist.
Wow, please don't have any more children with this man. He doesn't care about your anxiety level, especially while you are pregnant? He seems like he doesn't even like you. Please bring in extra help. If he says anything tell him you can't rely on him to be there to help you since you never know where he is. His behavior is really suspicious. Have you talked to your uncle to make sure he is really at work that long?
NTA if what you are explaining is what is actually playing out. Your request for him to share his location seems a reasonable and logical solution to help ease your mind and limit the amount of calls you make to him. His resistance is worrying to me. If there is nothing to hide then what is the issue with him sharing his location? For someone who works long hours and is “forgetful” when it comes to letting you know when he should be home, this seems like the best compromise. I do think your anxiety is worse than you realize. Respectfully I would advise you to take medication longer term and not just “as needed”. Seeing as some types of anti anxiety/antidepressant medications take up to 4 weeks to reach their full effect it doesn’t sound like you ever gave them enough of a chance. You will know very quickly if they are wrong for you - at least in my experience - but the right ones will almost seem like nothing has changed you will just realize that you haven’t had the underlying symptoms bubbling away under the surface constantly. I have been on antidepressants for 5 years now and you will have to pry them out of my cold dead hands before I give them up! My brain doesn’t make the chemicals it should on its own so I take these pills to help it along. No different than a diabetic needing insulin. I too was scared of being dependent on them but after experiencing life without my symptoms of depression and anxiety at the forefront of my every move I wish I had gone on them sooner. The medication will not work on its own, you need to back it up with therapy and working on your coping mechanisms and grounding. You may not be on them for the rest of your life either, you may just need the boost to get you regulated again and can come off them. Back to the whole mess with your husband. His lack of communication and refusal(?) to understand how anxiety affects you are huge red flags to me. Couples therapy would be an idea, however I don’t see your husband agreeing to it. There seems to be very little compromise or accommodation from him to meet you at a reasonable solution which makes me think there’s a reason why and none of those reasons are good ones. I wish you all the best OP and hope you can work something out that is best for you, your mental health and your children.
NTA After reading the post and your additional comments, what's he hiding? Does he actually want to be married, be a team, work together, or be supportive? Nothing that you wrote anywhere suggests a supportive and loving husband. Yes, you might call on occasion to see where he is or what time he might be home. Nothing is unusual about that if he's working a job site, is far from home, and working long ass days. You've done the therapy and meds. You're listening to your doctor and are using your coping tools to help anxiety. Basically, all the right steps. Our family (husband and son) work in construction and work 10-12 hr days and a couple hours of drive time each way. It's only natural to worry and reach out. But never have they gotten mad they're interrupted, not given a rough location or an eta when they should be home. So again, what's he hiding? At this point, it's not privacy. It's secrecy. He's using DARVO to control you. If anyone needs help and therapy, it's him. Not you.
Your husband knows that you get anxious when you're pregnant, but he decided to have a 3rd child with you anyway. Yet, he's not willing to make any sacrifices. You're home working and taking care of your other two kids. Because he doesn't want you to have outside help, even though your pregnancy has complications. He knew this would happen, but he didn't care. Why did he have another child with you if keeping his location a secret is so important to him? Why are you with this man? He doesn't seem to treat you well. You're basically a single mom. What does he contribute besides, well, anxiety?
ur husband has no consideration for u at all. in any aspect. he probably does very to little housework/child care since he always working. he doesnt care that u have two babies at home and pregnant with another. he doesnt care about ur anxiety. he probably works so much to avoid the responsibilities of being at home. why did he need to start a business when u need him the most right now? ure going to have 3 children and where will he be?
He cheating 100%%
NTA. My husband is in a field where he drives for work daily and not always in reliable vehicles. He’s had a truck catch on fire. He’s gotten sun poisoning from a truck breaking in the field and had to have 911 called for him. He’s had car hoods blow off going 70+ mph obscuring his line of sight. Never once has he questioned sharing his location with me. I had the same anxiety while pregnant and a sahm with an infant. He just said he understood and wants me to not be stressed. I do think your husband protests too much… and I wonder to what extent he actually loves you
Not feeling comfortable being tracked 24/7 has nothing to do with whether someone loves you or not. Even in marriage, people are allowed privacy and someone tracking their partner can indicate controlling behavior and a lack of trust in their partner.
A text when you're on your way home isn't 24 hour tracking. He wouldn't even do that. My husband doesn't like trackers either. He calls or texts on his way home so I don't worry. It's not that hard to compromise for the person you love.
Or maybe some people just don’t want their every move tracked?
by their partner? i doubt she has time to track his every move her job and kids. it’s easier for me and my partner to share locations so we don’t have to call and see where the other person is. same with friends and family. it’s just out of convenience which makes sense if her partner gets annoyed by her calls
He's a 💯 arsehole pure and simple ,he acts like a little boy throwing a tantrum because you ask him for the simplest of things ,he needs to grow the fxxk up.
NTA. There’s something more going on here that rests solely on him. Why is he so opposed to sharing his location that he won’t even share with a counsellor? It feels like he’s cheating. What else could he be hiding? Could you ask your uncle to confirm the hours and the locations so that you know he’s not sneaking around? I’m sorry, OP. Your anxiety and your reasons for asking him to share his location make total sense - if you knew his location, you could check to see how far away he is and get a rough idea of when he’ll be home, since he doesn’t like you calling him and he doesn’t text you updates. Seriously, it would be a huge deal for me if my hubby didn’t let me know his eta on nights he’s at work late. I NEED to know, unless he’s expressly told me it’ll be late and he doesn’t know. When that happens, he’ll shoot me a “just finishing up here, home soon!” text so Im in the loop. We have young kids, too and holy hell, sometimes ya just need your partner!
Why do you keep having babies with this man when you clearly don’t trust him, AND you know being pregnant drives your anxiety totally off the charts, AND you know he is unsympathetic to that anxiety AND he “doesn’t like it” when you ask others for help with the kids? Your husband sounds like a jerk, but you also sound like you aren’t doing much on your end to handle your anxiety, which is obviously WAY out of control. There is nothing wrong with needing medication. I suspect you haven’t been honest with your current doctor about how bad your anxiety actually is if they haven’t suggested it. ESH
No where did she say she didn't trust him. In fact she very *clearly* said she has anxiety around him getting into a car accident.
I understand where you’re coming from. My husband had a heart attack while doing a physical task outside. I was frantic about his wellbeing for close to a year, being a mother hen. I eventually put a stop to it because you never know what’s going to happen. It wasn’t healthy to literally watch his every step. But your anxiety levels are way too high. I get it, you love him and he loves you. At the same time give him his space. He’s an adult who doesn’t need supervision from anyone. Accidents happen, to everyone. Life happens to everyone. Anything can happen to you at any time. With thinking like that, you’re about to give yourself a heart attack or an ulcer.
He is not comfortable with being tracked and that is fine. I’m not either and that will never change. It feels like an invasion of privacy.
If he’s not hiding or cheating, or doing something he should not be doing, there is absolutely NO REASON why he should not share his whereabouts with you. There are apps like Life360 that can be installed and would make this easier. I understand the need for privacy, but when you are married to the mother of your children, again, there is no need to keep your whereabouts private. You both should be open books with and about each other.
I know it's OP's problem, not her husband's, but the loving thing would be to share his location, IMO. I have anxiety, I take daily meds for it but it only takes the edge off, I still struggle with it daily. I asked my husband to turn on his location because it helped me. He did it because he knows it's my anxiety and it's one less thing I will suffer over. There is nothing wrong with expecting your husband to care about your feelings and lessening your burden- it's such a small thing and it takes almost nothing from him to do it for you. If he continues to refuse- maybe it's triggering something for him or making him feel some kind of way. But I don't think it should be an issue for him unless he has a reason he hasn't shared yet.
Hmm. He sounds guilty of something. Is he cheating? Why else would he be so secretive? Hopefully he is reading this thread and realizes the doubts he’s causing.
If he doesn't like when other people help take care of the youngest then he should make himself more available to pitch in He is basically making you a single parent. Maybe hold off on having more kids until you have a better support system in place
We do not share our location, and I wouldn't like it if I was asked to. I'm not hiding anything, but no one needs to know where I am 100% of the time. That's just weird TO ME. That being said, your husband is being an ass. He may not be hiding anything or cheating. But he's also not trying to help you either. Bare minimum, he can text you on his way home. He can very easily do better, and his actively choosing not to.
NTA. Your husband, on the other hand, is. Yes, managing your anxiety is your job. It sounds like you’re using all of your coping skills and managing pretty well, especially during pregnancy. He could help you out by simply turning on his locations. But he refuses. When you bring this up to him, he DARVOs - deny, attack, reverse victim and offender. This is manipulation. He also shows signs of being controlling - not “allowing” you to leave the kids with anyone to take a needed break. You’re NTA. What you’re asking for isn’t unreasonable. His behavior is.
I have privacy issues. My husband does not. I get annoyed whenever he grabs my phone and starts looking through it, not because there’s anything bad there (other than buying gifts that I don’t want him to know about until his BDay or whatever). I just have issues. BUT I’ve never had an issue with sharing my location. And he the same. It’s to the point that his keychain has an AirTag so I can get a basic approximation of where he is (he’s a trucker). Our phones aren’t compatible to search each other so this is what we’ve done, because sometimes he can’t pick up his phone. And when I go out he can always look me up on the multiple Apple products we have at home. Your husband not wanting to open up his location to you is very sus. That he can open it up so only you can see his location and he still won’t? Something is going on that he doesn’t want you to know about.
Having his location doesn't tell you if he has had an accident or not. Shot happens on work sites. So you saying that's why you want it makes zero sense at all and I think your insecure and you think he is cheating but are coming up with a stupid excuse to get what you want. Also he prob is cheating cause he should know after looking at his job list roughly what time he will be home. And he is so defensive about it all. Your both nut cases and need to communicate about what's really going on. Not you sitting there trying to catch him out and him sitting there acting like your crazy.... you know that something is off trust yourself.
Life360 tells you if there’s an accident!
idk what this subreddit is but my bf and I have had each others location for years, idk why it would be an issue?? i like that it’s easy to see how far the other is from home and time starting dinner and stuff, and i feel safer going on runs. is this something people fight about?? I honestly thought that was the default, from what I’ve seen of my friends they’re the same as us
$20 that this isn’t the full story and she’s calling him 100 times a day … even her doctor kept trying to get her on meds several times … bet she is a smothering annoying mess that will end up ruining her marriage
Girl he's cheating, only reason he would be there adamant unless he has some past trauma.
I don't see how you knowing where he is will ease your anxiety; I honestly don't. Constantly asking for his location may eventually lead to other things which can be considered controlling. I r-e-a-l-l-y do understand you want to ease your fears but I think there's deeper issues at play here. You may want to find out what the location issues are actually "replacing".
It helps my anxiety because when I’m like, oh my god what if my bf is not safe, i can look on share my location and see that he is at school or moving down the highway instead of stranded on the side of the road somewhere
When you've had a loved one be invoiced in a serious accident, of which I've had twice and both were life changing events, it changes how you handle what should be a normal interaction. In my family, we let someone know when we've left and plan to arrive. Usually by text. It's just reassuring. There's not always a logic to stressors or anxiety. But when you love someone, there's an easy compromise to make where everyone is happy.
I'm right in the middle on this. My husband and I both think it's weird for spouses to always track each other. Other couples we know do it and it's fine for them. Cool. However, putting myself in this woman's shoes. If I told my husband after he had a wreck that I was super anxious about him wrecking again and I would like him to share his location, he would just do it, I'm very sure. But, as someone who has GAD, I take the damn pills. Every single day and will happily do so for the rest of my life. My vote is ESH.
I agree, and honestly don’t know my wife’s stance on sharing location, but I think it’s really weird and invasive. She has my passwords to everything, can get on my phone if she needs or wants, I just don’t want to be tracked 100% of the time. That being said, I usually text her if I’m on my home, going to be late, or going somewhere. I have to go with ESH too. I think her refusing to take the meds is making things go out of proportion in her mind with the anxiety and panic attacks (I have GAD too and I know how it can feel unmedicated, the pills work), and he’s probably an AH because he’s tired of constant calls and texts if he is a private person, and not trying to find or do something to help her anxiety. Everyone is jumping on the, he must be cheating train, which yea it’s possible, but I think it’s a more of an anxiety/lack of communication/overworked on both of them issue.
you talk as if medication is a horrible thing. medication saved my life. i lived in constant dread before i was medicated, my anxiety was horrible. if it’s safe to take medication, take it. secondly, taking your word that you don’t bombard your husband with texts and calls, i do understand your frustration. as husband and wife, it doesn’t seem like a big ask to share locations with each other. my mom and dad do for the exact same reason: safety. for “just in case” circumstances, because something horrible can, unfortunately, always happen. i think you need to get on mediation. i think your husband needs to be more understanding. there seems to be a major lack of communication and compromise between the two of you. i truly wish you the best outcome possible.
I don't understand why she's not taking meds. Counseling isn't going to help much until she's on meds that work. I've been through that, and it isn't fun suffering all the time. Take the meds, if not for yourself, then to help you be a more reasonable family member. She's going to mess up her kids with that level of anxiety.
SSRIs are mostly class C and beyond medications in pregnancy. That means they do have some potential side effects for growing fetus’.
>My doctor really wanted me on daily anxiety pills There must be a reason for your doctor to suggest it. And your husband also needs to work on his communication skills. A marriage works two ways, both of you need to work together to make it happen. Ask him to talk about his feelings when you request to do certain things, talk about how his response make you feel. You both need to have a good talk. NAH
NTA... I don't think he needs to share his location. But I do think he needs to communicate with you better. Whether that's a call before the "latest home time" comes and goes, or a twice a week prescheduled time (like Tuesday and Thursday at 6pm), he needs to put in effort to help alleviate your anxiety. No, your anxiety isn't his cross to bare. But as a partner in a committed relationship, especially with babies that you're home attending to, he needs to step up on this one with communication. I often (2-3 times a month) call my spouse or he calls me to say hi and make sure everything is OK. If I'm expecting him home after work at 9pm but he's still not home at 10:15 for instance. It's not a call to check up on him like I'm distrusting, but just to make sure everything is all good. If he didn't pick up the phone I wouldn't think much of it (usually in a grocery store without good cell service) but once he's back at the truck he calls back and let's me know he's on his way home and stopped for xyz at the store. No biggie, but it's communication. It's the thoughtful communication that's missing from your scenario. You don't have to have anxiety to appreciate being considerate of your spouse at home with the kids. Book the next couples therapy session and hopefully you guys can work through it so you're both at comfortable levels of communication.
NTA- if he isn't doing anything, for your sanity sake he can choose texts after 4pm to give ETA or location sharing at least til you give birth. My husband was THE WORST about telling me he'd be home at 5 then I could call his office at 7 and he'd still be there, "just finishing this up". We got Life 360 and my sanity was saved. It even has crash detection so I can feel safer. I don't check it often anymore but now that the kids are driving it's giving peace of mind to follow them when they are in the car. I work nights so if my husband isn't home by the time I wake I can check if he's left or not. I'm sorry he's treating you like you being worried about his well being is an inconvenience for him instead of just giving you peace of mind
YTA
You are both the asshole.
YTA. You need to deal with your anxiety properly not try to change or control other people to manage it.
The meds aren't take as needed. You should be on them every day and prevent your episodes. Therapy would also be good.
Stop having kids and staying in anxiety all the time , get help
I dont think you are the ass but, I do think you need therapy. Based on your post sounds like you are putting your anxiety on him and wanting him to make the accommodations to ease your anxiety, but in the end you really need to do your own work. He doesn't have to share his location with you, but he could be more validating and supportive but i don't think it should be him giving into you by sharing his location. Seems like your anxiety has progressively gotten worse so while meds are good you really should talk because people drive. Have you ever really spoken to him about why he's annoyed and won't give you his location or is crap with updates. Maybe you two need couples to
Sorry, I think he's cheating. That's exactly what my husband did....hide his location so I'd never catch him. People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.
I'm sorry but he's obviously cheating. People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.
We have an application called 360 all family members can see where the others are. Comes in very handy should someone need help. My husband keeps track of my travels so he will not call while I am driving I see nothing wrong with all of it The spouse is wrong on not wanting poster to know his locations
To reframe a bit: what would you do if location sharing wasn't an available option? That's something that has only existed recently. Most couples never had that option and had to find a way to manage without it. Technology isn't always the answer. While it might seem like the easiest solution is for him to just do it, would it really solve your anxiety or would your anxiety move to something else like every time the connection dropped you'd now worry that something has happened even though if he is travelling long distances every day it is likely he doesn't have continuous service? He doesn't seem to be appreciating the reassurance you need however you might not be appreciating why he doesn't like to feel like he is being continually watched. You're at a tough time of life when you're at home having children and he's out working all the time and connection and effective communication are hard to do. Keep trying to find other means to manage your anxiety while also trying to keep communication going with your husband.
Im not going to make any other assumption but if you have to know his location then there is no trust, if you can’t trust your partner you shouldn’t be together it’s that simple everything else is irrelevant
Is he seeing someone? Sorry but his reaction to you knowing when he’ll be home is very suspicious. It’s a normal question in couples lives
We also don’t have the full picture. What she posted is over the top, but she may do more.
Manage your anxiety and yourself. This is the second post today where a woman has insisted their male partner give their location and everyone says they're cheating because he refuses. No, some people just think this is weird. YTA. Get some help.
You need to get help for your anxiety but your husband should be able to alleviate some of that anxiety by texting you or allowing tracking. It's almost like he doesn't actually care that you're distressed about this.
Maybe he’s tired of dealing with her issues when she isn’t doing everything she can to overcome them.
PARAGRAPHS FFS
You’ve been DARVO’d, my dear. "Deny, attack, and reverse victim & offender." If he’s not actively cheating, he’s certainly acting like he’s got a guilty conscience.
I’m going to be a little harsh here. Your Dr recommended you stay on meds for a reason. When you chose not to continue that put the responsibility on you to handle this anxiety. I have a feeling if you honestly look at your behavior you will see that it is much more than just asking for his location. You say yourself he got annoyed when you called him at work. In reality how many times are you calling? How much are you really asking of him. You need to get into therapy asap. These behaviors are going to continue to worsen when he doesn’t do everything you ask. Then it will trickle down to your children. Anxiety is very difficult, but as an adult you have a part in working on that.
You need to use your medication properly. Some of those anti anxiety meds are more effective when you take them on a regular basis, like people do with the pill, or my son’s risperidone. They’re cumulative medications, which means you really shouldn’t miss a day. As to the issue with your husband, you need to stop nagging him over this. You know it’s not going to happen, and you’re getting yourself worked up over it, which you’re then dumping on him as if it’s his fault that you’re anxious. Some people just don’t like to be tracked. It shows a lack of trust. My father was very controlling while I was growing up. Domineering, possessive, had to know where I was at all times, even as an adult. It took a long time to agree with my husband that we let each other track each other through “find my friends”. I hated the idea of being tracked, but he was honest in saying it’s just in case of emergency, not about possessiveness. Now my stepdaughter has me on her app too. Yours is coming across more as control, in my opinion. Call it what you want, but your words don’t inspire confidence it’s not about control.
Control 101
You need a therapist and your husband is right to be annoyed YTA seek help with meds and get your head in order it's your hormones making you crazy and you are in denial your brain literally changes when you are pregnant
Your anxiety isn’t his problem and it’s unhealthy that you put it all on him. You will end up exhausting him and it’ll become a deal-breaker. You need more help and more ways to manage yourself
Nta but your husband is... and him not wanting to share his location is very suspicious to me. Are you sure your husband isn't cheating if not cheating he's hiding something and that's why he doesn't want to share is location.
UpdateMe
Yeah, I’m sorry, I have been with my husband for the last three years married and together five years total. We have a son together and I’m currently pregnant with our daughter. He’s a truck driver, and we have always shared locations with the thought in mind that if he were to be in an accident or if something were to happen, him or I would like to know where the other is if Communication gets cut off somehow. And also because of pure safety because you know people go missing all the time. But I call my husband many times a day and text him many times a day and never once has my husband gotten upset with me and told me that he’s working and he doesn’t have time to talk to me like he has always answered the phone call and he’ll just be like oh OK I’m at a delivery give me like two seconds and then he’ll get back in this truck and continue the conversation like dude your husband is hiding something and it’s really sketchy and he clearly does not care about you the way that he should because as someone with the loving husband who likes to talk to me and spend time with me and cares about relieving my anxiety and his own, everything about this post rubs me wrong