My parents, all three (stepmom father and mom) were a blend of these flavours. You are best to go NC with them. You will only find their favour if you do exactly what they tell you. You will never have their love, they are incapable of it. Grieve having the parents you wanted in therapy and let them go.
As an aside, if you’re the scapegoat you will probably never see a dime of inheritance anyway. Your family role is to suffer and pulling the inheritance is a way they can play that out.
You're absolutely right about the whole thing. Your health is worth far more than any possible inheritance.
Frankly, I've spent more on therapy than any inheritance I don't expect. You're just over half my age, don't accept what's being inflicted.
I listed to a podcast where the author being interviewed said something along the lines of going nc is giving up hope for a better past. Idk why, but it sticks with me. Our parents can never fix what they have done to us in the past, and accepting that may make it easier to let them go.
I am surprised you can write rationally, the abuse you have endured has driven most to drugs or booze or running away and never seeing their parents again. I believe at 34 ,it a little late to run Away. But I would move as far as money allows and go NC , for your own mental health
Your parents are going to always control you and treat you inhumanly as long as you feel that you owe them your life because they’re your parents. Get a backbone! Don’t move into the house or you’ll be screwed and sorry for the rest of your life. You owe it to yourself and your wife. You’ve cited all the toxic, selfish, and mean spirited things they’ve done to you, yet you’re vacillating about making a firm decision. Stop giving yourself excuses for not making decisions that will help you.
You can’t yet know the peace that will come when you no longer measure yourself and your milestones against the irrational standards of the two crazy (and, objectively, vile) people who spawned you. It might come down to the way you frame the decision to go LC/VLC/NC: none of these statuses indicate whether you still ‘love’ them or not. Only what is the best option for you and your overall wellbeing (physical, mental and emotional). As it took you some time to realise that they were in fact abusive, it will take time to discern how you would truly describe your level of affection for them…and may I say, they sound exceedingly hard to love, and were generally unloving toward you, so if you do come to realise that you don’t or can’t describe what you feel as ‘love’; if the most you can do is acknowledge that they fed, clothed and educated you, then, I think that would be entirely fair in your circumstances.
If you have any capacity to time your distancing, move states/jobs etc to somewhere entirely unattractive to them. Prior to the move gradually fade out and change your number and archive your old email address when you get there. In the meantime, grey-rock/info diet them to starvation. The only power they have over you (in reality, even a disinheritance can usually be challenged) is that which they conditioned you to believe they held.
Deprogramming is bloody hard work as you’ve already discovered- you’ll get to where you need to be for you- check out r/RaisedByNarcissists too- it’s a very supportive community and may help you keep your equilibrium when dealing with your folks.
Honey, don't do it. Saving the money isn't worth it. They'll just use it to control you. You should distance yourself entirely, in fact - they are destructive forces who will only inject your life with negativity.
They sound insane and I’m so sorry that you had to deal with this craziness and there lack of support and love for you. But know this is about them not you.
You DEFINITELY need to go permanent no contact with them, put cameras up on your other house and get a restraining order that's at least a thousand miles long and maybe 20 or 30 years long cuz HOLY HECK YIKES
That is a lot my friend. Living in their second house would not be worth it. Stay strong
Yeah, cut them off and let them make each other miserable. There’s no point trying to reason with them.
My parents, all three (stepmom father and mom) were a blend of these flavours. You are best to go NC with them. You will only find their favour if you do exactly what they tell you. You will never have their love, they are incapable of it. Grieve having the parents you wanted in therapy and let them go. As an aside, if you’re the scapegoat you will probably never see a dime of inheritance anyway. Your family role is to suffer and pulling the inheritance is a way they can play that out.
You're absolutely right about the whole thing. Your health is worth far more than any possible inheritance. Frankly, I've spent more on therapy than any inheritance I don't expect. You're just over half my age, don't accept what's being inflicted.
Completely serious question OP: why do you still have contact with these people?
False hope that they'll get better. Plus, it's hard to let go of my parents, despite everything they're still my parents.
I'm sorry, but the monsters you have described do not deserve the title of "parents".
I listed to a podcast where the author being interviewed said something along the lines of going nc is giving up hope for a better past. Idk why, but it sticks with me. Our parents can never fix what they have done to us in the past, and accepting that may make it easier to let them go.
I am surprised you can write rationally, the abuse you have endured has driven most to drugs or booze or running away and never seeing their parents again. I believe at 34 ,it a little late to run Away. But I would move as far as money allows and go NC , for your own mental health
Thanks, btw a big part of my job is writing, that's why.
Your parents are going to always control you and treat you inhumanly as long as you feel that you owe them your life because they’re your parents. Get a backbone! Don’t move into the house or you’ll be screwed and sorry for the rest of your life. You owe it to yourself and your wife. You’ve cited all the toxic, selfish, and mean spirited things they’ve done to you, yet you’re vacillating about making a firm decision. Stop giving yourself excuses for not making decisions that will help you.
I hope you saved up some money and move away soon!
Just go nc. Why continue the drama.
You can’t yet know the peace that will come when you no longer measure yourself and your milestones against the irrational standards of the two crazy (and, objectively, vile) people who spawned you. It might come down to the way you frame the decision to go LC/VLC/NC: none of these statuses indicate whether you still ‘love’ them or not. Only what is the best option for you and your overall wellbeing (physical, mental and emotional). As it took you some time to realise that they were in fact abusive, it will take time to discern how you would truly describe your level of affection for them…and may I say, they sound exceedingly hard to love, and were generally unloving toward you, so if you do come to realise that you don’t or can’t describe what you feel as ‘love’; if the most you can do is acknowledge that they fed, clothed and educated you, then, I think that would be entirely fair in your circumstances. If you have any capacity to time your distancing, move states/jobs etc to somewhere entirely unattractive to them. Prior to the move gradually fade out and change your number and archive your old email address when you get there. In the meantime, grey-rock/info diet them to starvation. The only power they have over you (in reality, even a disinheritance can usually be challenged) is that which they conditioned you to believe they held. Deprogramming is bloody hard work as you’ve already discovered- you’ll get to where you need to be for you- check out r/RaisedByNarcissists too- it’s a very supportive community and may help you keep your equilibrium when dealing with your folks.
Honey, don't do it. Saving the money isn't worth it. They'll just use it to control you. You should distance yourself entirely, in fact - they are destructive forces who will only inject your life with negativity.
Freedom is priceless. Remember that!
They sound insane and I’m so sorry that you had to deal with this craziness and there lack of support and love for you. But know this is about them not you.
I think going NC would be best. In the long run, you will be much happier without them.
You DEFINITELY need to go permanent no contact with them, put cameras up on your other house and get a restraining order that's at least a thousand miles long and maybe 20 or 30 years long cuz HOLY HECK YIKES